Welcome to the Horizon
Season 2, Part 7: Long Night
Night in hood’s pocket. We can still hear the distant explosions of the chemical pits. The town square is empty. Trinket emerges from her shop and walks out into the empty street.
Trinket:
What are you telling me?
After a moment a group of deer run through the town square, then a flock of birds flies overhead.
Trinket:
Frank?
The phoenix moves over the tops of the buildings. Eldin broadcasts to the town.
Eldin:
Attention, people of Hood’s Pocket. A toxic cloud is headed for the town. Stay inside your homes and seal all windows and doors with duct tape. If you do not have duct tape, stay in your homes and we will come to you. I cannot stress this enough: only open your doors for Frank.
Trinket:
Frank?
Frank:
Trinket!
Trinket:
What’s going on?
Frank:
You need to get inside.
Trinket:
The animals are all heading to the other side of the mountain.
Frank:
They’ve got the right idea. Get inside.
Trinket:
What’s happening?
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Trinket, the air in Hood’s Pocket is about to become very toxic. We need people to stay inside. Do you have duct tape?
Frank:
Of course she doesn’t have duct tape. Take this duct tape. Get inside and seal everything.
Trinket:
Why don’t you want people to answer their doors?
Eldin:
In addition to the the toxicity of the air, we may have visitors tonight.
Trinket:
What kind of visitors?
Eldin:
There’s no time to explain. You need to get inside.
Trinket:
People are going to be sick. Duct tape isn’t going to be enough.
Eldin:
We’ll have to deal with that in the morning, Trinket.
Trinket:
Space foot. I should harvest more of it from Cameron’s house so we’ll be able to help people.
Frank:
We don’t have time, Trinket.
Eldin:
It’s an excellent idea, but Frank is right: there’s no time. Space Foot is no good to us if it kills you in the process. Get inside, Trinket. Frank, I’m going to set the Phoenix down at the Horizon. Meet us there.
Frank:
Alright. Trinket. Inside. Now.
Trinket:
Ok.
Frank gets in his truck and drives off.
Trinket:
... Sorry, Frank.
Trinket runs off toward cameron’s house. We move to the cockpit of the phoenix.
Leif:
You’re saying you can keep the toxicity to a minimum?
Eldin:
Not to a minimum, but I believe I can reduce the lethality.
Leif:
How?
Eldin:
If I constantly fly the Phoenix in a particular pattern over the town, I can temporarily increase the atmospheric pressure, causing the toxic clouds to go either one way or the other. Though, not entirely.
Deidre:
Guys.
Leif:
What about Lucian?
Eldin:
By my estimation, this will be a fairly heavy gas. A Mungo should be able to keep it’s head above the gas. That aside, we really have no idea what does and doesn’t effect a Mungo.
Deidre:
Guys.
Leif:
A lot of people in town are going to be woefully unprepared for this.
Eldin:
This is why we need to meet at the Horizon. It’s possible this gas will have a high metallic content and may disrupt communications. We’ll need to make a plan and hope for the best.
Deidre:
Guys!
Leif:
Deidre, what is it?
Deidre:
I can’t breathe.
Leif:
Shit. Eldin?
Eldin:
She’s hyperventilating.
Leif:
Jack up the CO₂ in here. I’ll put the hazard mask on.
Eldin:
Deidre, you’re alright. I’m completely in control of the environment of the cockpit. Your Body is depleted of CO₂ because you’re breathing too fast. I’m going to give you more CO₂ and you need to try and regulate your breathing.
Deidre:
I’m not dying?
Eldin:
You are not.
Deidre:
Is everyone else going to die?
Leif:
We’re going to be okay.
Deidre:
Where did they take Verge?
Leif:
Deidre. Listen to me. Everyone’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Verge is going to be okay. But this is going to be a long night. Minutes are going to pass like hours, but the sun is going to come up. Okay?... Say “okay.”
Deidre:
... Okay.
Leif:
Stay in the cockpit. Keep breathing.
The phoenix has touched down in the horizon parking lot, Leif gets out to meet frank.
Leif:
What’s the word?
Frank:
Everybody’s locked down somewhere, but where the fuck is June?
Eldin:
Two minutes away. She’s in Deidre’s truck.
Frank:
What’s next?
Leif:
Verge had two hazard masks. I gave one to Tavrok.
Eldin:
Deidre will stay in the Phoenix with me while I fly in circles above Hood’s Pocket, hopefully suppressing the toxic gas from getting into town. Frank, you won’t be effected by the toxicity.
Frank:
Alright. I know for a fact that not enough people have duct tape. I’m going to raid the hardware store and go house to house making sure everybody’s got some.
Eldin:
That will work. Celeste is at the military base locking it down as well. This may be the best we can do. The toxic cloud will be here any minute.
Frank:
Okay... And the second part?
Eldin:
Yes... They’re called Eels.
June pulls up in Deidre’s truck and hops out.
Frank:
Where have you been?
June:
I don’t want to hear it from you.
Sparker the dog gets out of the car.
Frank:
Jesus Christ, June.
June:
Not a word.
Leif:
Why does she have a dog?
Eldin:
The dog is the mayor.
Leif:
What?
June:
Eldin, open up.
The cockpit of the phoenix opens.
Frank:
Of all the things you could be doing right now.
June:
Hey. This is national security 101. When the nation is under attack you get the president in the air.
Frank:
I can’t believe you.
June:
Oh, shut up. Up you go, Sparker. Jesus, you weigh a ton. Keep him safe, Deidre.
Deidre:
Hey, Sparker.
The cockpit closes.
June:
What are we doing?
Frank:
Take this duct tape and seal yourself inside a room.
June:
Okay. The Truskans are sleeping one off. I’ve got to let them know what’s going on.
Frank:
Eldin, the second part.
Eldin:
Eels.
June bangs on the truskans’ door.
June:
Bolb? Bolb, wake up, buddy.
Leif:
Look, we don’t have time for the backstory. They’re bad. They try and kill everything they see. Luckily, they’re too stupid to have weapons, but for them it doesn’t matter. Real zombie apocalypse shit, man.
Frank:
Great.
June:
Should I go in? I’m scared to go in. What do Truskans look like naked? Do I want to know?
Leif:
I’m going to head to the town square. I’ve got an idea.
Frank:
I’m on Duct tape patrol.
June:
I’ve decided yes. I’ve decided I want to know.
June opens the door.
June:
Boys, put your junk away, I’m coming in.
The phoenix starts to take off.
Eldin:
Best of luck, everyone. Stay as safe as you can.
The phoenix lifts off as we move to doug’s house. Doug unzips a padded gun case and takes out a rifle. He slides back the bolt and begins loading the gun.
Frank:
(In Doug’s phone.) Doug can you hear me?
Doug:
Yeah, I’m right here.
Frank:
Do you need anything?
Doug:
No, I’m alright. The doors and windows are sealed. Fireplace, too.
Frank:
Okay, good. The phones might go out on us at some point, but don’t come out unless you hear the all clear from someone.
Doug:
Okay. Oh, hey, Frank. Eva Grimm’s house.
Frank:
What about it?
Doug:
She was a big prepper, turns out. There may be gas masks over there.
Frank:
Good call. I’ll head there first.
Doug:
Oh, and uh... Jim, Jim has asthma.
Frank:
There’s at least six Jims in town, Doug.
Doug:
Uh, Lynn. James Lynn.
Frank:
Right, in trailer park row.
Doug:
Yeah, that’s the one.
Frank:
I’ll put him on the list.
Doug:
Also Andrea. She’s on an oxygen tank.
Frank:
Andrea.
Doug:
Andrea Johnson, she has a corgi called Kibble.
Frank:
Oh, right. Okay, she’s on the list.
Doug:
Also Tricia Shaffer. She never closes her windows. She’s got that thing about breezes.
Frank:
Doug. I’ve got this. Get your rifle out.
Doug:
Yeah. It’s out.
Frank:
Okay, I’ll check in as soon as I can.
Doug:
Okay.
We hear the ashlesaurus in doug’s bathroom sloshing around in the bathtub. It’s not happy.
Doug:
Hey. No no no, you’ve got to stay in there. I know it’s a tight squeeze, but you can’t be out there right now, okay? Too dangerous. I mean, what do I know— you may be fine out there, but let’s just assume it’ll be as dangerous out there for you as it will be for me okay? Here, I’ve got asparagus.
Doug feeds asparagus to the ashlesaurus.
Doug:
There you go.
The ahslesaurus chirps at doug’s rifle.
Doug:
Oh. Yeah, that’s my rifle. It’s been tucked away for a while, so you haven’t seen it yet... I used to hunt... Every season I’d be out there... and then somewhere along the way, I just... I couldn’t seem to put it up to my shoulder anymore... Somewhere along the way, I started to feel like there should be more things around, not less. Feels weird in my hand now... Boy, we have really gotten ourselves into a mess, haven’t we?
Steve:
(In Doug’s phone.) Doug, you there?
Doug:
Yeah, hey Steve, I’m here.
Steve:
You all locked down?
Doug:
Yeah. I brought the Ashlesaurus in and put it in the bathtub.
Steve:
That thing fit in your bathtub?
Doug:
Not really. But I think I can get it to stay put for the night. Where’d you end up?
Steve:
Well, I was out of duct tape at my house, so I grabbed Rambo and headed over to the Sheep’s Eye. I just got everything taped down and locked up.
Doug:
Good. Hey, you know Deidre keeps a shotgun behind the bar.
Steve:
What?
Doug:
It’s true.
Steve:
No way.
Doug:
Yeah. She’s only used it once, but I’m pretty sure it’s still back there.
Steve:
A shotgun.
Doug:
Double barrel, twenty gauge. It was TJ’s.
Steve:
I’m trying hard to imagine Deidre pulling out a shotgun from behind the bar... and I can’t seem to imagine it.
Doug:
It’d be hard for me too, but I was there. A fight broke out between some bikers— this must’ve been ten years ago. She pulled it out and shot it at the ceiling. The whole bar goes quiet, and she said: “Who wants the next one?”
Steve:
What?
Doug:
I swear.
Steve:
Damn. Full of surprises, that one.
Doug:
Right after that, she excused herself, went into the back room, and threw up.
Steve:
Ha! That’s more like it.
Doug:
... How do you think she’s doing?
Steve:
Not great, I imagine. She’s up in the ship with Eldin right now.
Celeste:
Guys?
Doug:
Hey, Celeste.
Steve:
How’re you guys doing over there?
Celeste:
We’re fine. We’ve got the base locked down. Between the barbed wire and a few assault rifles, I’m pretty sure we’ll be safe from whatever else. Unfortunately, our gas masks burned up in the meteor strike, so we’re stuck here.
Steve:
Leif and Frank are out there patrolling the streets. Don’t worry about it.
Celeste:
Sure... Hey, since we’re stuck here, anybody else think that Frank being transformed into some grumpy forest creature goes perfectly with his personality?
Doug:
Absolutely.
Steve:
Oh, hell yeah. This is his final Pokemon evolution, ya’ll. Frank is Mega Mew Two.
Doug:
Mew Two!
Celeste:
That’s perfect... So I heard you guys talking about the time Deidre shot the ceiling.
Steve:
Were you there?
Celeste:
I was there.
Steve:
Damn, where was I? You know what, don’t answer that. It can’t be a good answer.
Celeste:
You can still see the buckshot above the cash register.
Doug:
Steve, I was going to say, the shotgun’s probably still back there. Maybe you should load it?
Steve:
I don’t know, y’all. Me and guns? Probably not a great idea.
Celeste:
Do you think she’s okay, guys?
Steve:
We don’t know.
Doug:
She’s probably pretty worried.
Celeste:
She’s probably worried by about fifteen thousand things right now.
Steve:
For sure.
Celeste:
Best we can do is make sure she doesn’t have to worry about us.
Doug:
I think that’s a good idea.
Celeste:
So, let’s stay in touch as much as we can.
Steve:
Copy that.
Celeste:
Long night.
Doug:
Long night.
Steve:
Long night.
Outside, frank walks down the street. The toxic cloud is beginning to work its way through the streets of hood’s pocket. The phoenix slowly flies overhead.
Eldin:
(From the ship.) Attention, people of Hood’s Pocket. A toxic cloud is headed for the town. Stay inside your homes and seal all windows and doors with duct tape. If you do not have duct tape, stay in your homes and we will come to you. I cannot stress this enough: only open your doors for Frank.
Frank:
Jesus, this shit is thick. Leif?
Leif:
Yeah?
Frank:
It’s here. There’s a dark cloud coming up the street.
Leif:
Where are you?
Frank:
I just left Trina Ward’s house.
Leif:
You’re not in your truck are you?
Frank:
No.
Leif:
You can’t drive your truck.
Frank:
I know.
Leif:
The air filter will clog.
Frank:
I know. I was a kid when Mt. Saint Helens blew. I have fond memories of June’s dad trying to drive to the store when you couldn’t see ten feet in front of you. His car died at the end of the block.
Far off we hear the sound of something running through the woods. Frank stops.
Frank:
Leif... Tell me more about these things, the eel things.
Leif:
Are you hearing something?
Frank:
... I don’t know.
Leif:
Okay... Elective Electrotherapy and Lobotomy. EELs.
Frank:
What kind of fucking Clockwork Orange bullshit is that?
Leif:
I know. This is another one of the wonderful horrors of Minsky’s planet. People want to be disconnected from their own mind because they can’t take it anymore. They agree to a process that will give them a life of bliss. It’s a lie. They become suggestible puppets. They can’t think much but you can program them with a command. A command like “kill.”
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
Leif:
I know.
Frank:
You hung out with these people?
Leif:
It was a long time ago.
Frank:
I fucking hope so.
Leif:
Look, that’s really all I can tell you. I’ve never actually encountered these things before, but I’ve got a theory I’m working on.
Frank:
What?
We move to leif’s location. He is walking into the shop and go.
Frank:
Are you at the shop and go? Are you going to Arizona Iced Tea them to death?
Leif:
High fructose corn syrup is a killer.
Frank:
Okay but seriously though-
Suddenly Through frank’s phone we hear the scream of a horrible creature and the sound of frank’s phone dropping to the ground.
Leif:
Frank?... Frank!
We move to the gate outside cameron’s former compound. Trinket runs up to the gate and opens it.
Trinket:
As the Earth holds me. As the Sky sees me. As the sun rises within me. I step out to greet the motherfucking day...
Trinket makes her way up the path. She stops halfway and looks around.
Trinket:
... What are you telling me?
From all around her, she hears her words echoed back to her.
Voices:
... What are you telling me?... What are you telling me?... What are you telling me?
There is suddenly movement in the trees all around her. Trinket moves quickly up the path to the front door as the sounds move closer. She throws the door open, shuts it and locks it. We can hear the sound of the mushroom kingdom all around her.
Trinket:
... Hi, Cameron... I’m making a pretty big bet that I no longer need a mask in here... I hope I’m right... But something tells me that’s not my biggest problem right now.
We begin to hear scratching at the door. The scratching then turns to something striking the door. We hear the sound of the door trying to be forced open as we move to doug’s house.
Doug:
Steve, are you still there?... Steve?... Guess it’s just you and me...
The ashlesaurus chirps from the bathtub.
Doug:
... I guess this is nothing new for you, right? An endangered species. I guess I know how you feel now.
Doug begins to hear scratching on his front door.
Doug:
... Stay there.
Doug sides the bolt forward on his rifle and moves toward the front door.
Doug:
Who’s there?
From behind the door, they start speaking to him.
Voices:
Who’s there?... Who’s there?...
Doug:
I’ve got a gun.
Voices:
I’ve got a gun... I’ve got a gun...
The scratching on the door becomes pounding. They are trying to force the door open.
Doug:
You think I need to open the door to shoot you with this rifle?!
Voices:
Shoot you with this rifle?!... Shoot you with this rifle?!...
Doug fires a round into the door. From behind the door we hear screaming and then silence. After a moment the pounding resumes, this time at the front door and the back door. We fade on the sound of doug firing again and again at both doors to the house. We move to the sheep’s eye. Far off, steve can hear the sound of doug firing his rifle. Rambo trots up to Steve, making worried sounds.
Steve:
I know, Rambo, I hear it too. Doug?... Doug, are you there?... Shit... Rambo, there’s a shotgun behind the bar, what do you think?... Yeah, I agree, probably not for the best... I don’t even know how to shoot it... Doug?... Okay... We’re okay...
Steve begins to hear scratching at the front door. Rambo starts growling.
Steve:
... You come in here, you’re going to regret it.
The scratching stops. he starts to hear them from behind the door.
Voices:
You’re going to regret it... You’re going to regret it...
They pounding at the door starts. Rambo starts barking.
Steve:
You think you can scare me?!
Voices:
You think you can scare me... you think you can scare me...
Steve:
What the fuck?... Okay... Okay, you wanna play with me?... Rambo... Rambo, listen... we’re not going out like this, alright?... Not like this... I’ve got an idea. Come here.
Steve leads Rambo to a spot across the room.
Steve:
I’m going to tie you up right here, okay? I’ll be right back.
Steve runs into the back and comes back out carrying a box full of liquor bottles. He puts the box behind the bar and crosses back to Rambo.
Steve:
Okay, buddy. Here’s the plan... Something’s coming through that door. I don’t know what it is, but when it comes through, I need you to bark like you’ve never barked before, okay? Sound good? Remember, buddy. They always underestimate us... We’re going to be okay.
We fade on the sheep’s eye under siege and move to the phoenix slowly hovering over the town. Deidre looks out the window with sparker in her lap.
Eldin:
Your CO₂ levels appear to have returned to normal.
Deidre:
Yeah... The dog’s helping.
Eldin:
I’m sure.
Deidre:
... What are these things, Eldin? Are they monsters?
Eldin:
There are no monsters. They’re just people.
Deidre:
How is that possible?
Eldin:
... There are a few planets in the Triad that are so problematic, we don’t know what to do with them. There’s a planet called Okwe, for example. The inhabitants are so dangerous that there has to be a constant military blockade around the planet... One of those problematic planets is Wren, where Minsky comes from. Wren society collapsed eons ago and everything that was done to remedy that seemed to just throw gasoline on the fire. Life there is tragic and horrific. Added to that, it was used as a prison for some time... They speak of ghosts and demons of Wren. Some, when faced with the horrors of their planet, retreat completely into their own minds, disconnect themselves from their emotions. You can see them, but they appear to be somewhere else. Ghosts. Then there are those like Minsky, who seem to be able to metabolize the chaos and draw strength from it. Demons... Then there are those in between, and their lives are a waking nightmare. They are offered freedom from the trauma of their daily lives. They are offered bliss. To forget the things they’ve seen... You’d be surprised how many take up that offering... In reality, what they become are Eels. Homicidal and chaotic lunatics. You drop them into a particular situation to create chaos and fear. Not unlike our situation right now.
Deidre:
Eldin, they’re in so much trouble. I can’t just stay up here.
Eldin:
There’s no safe place for you on the ground right now, Deidre. Up here is where you want to be, and definitely where Verge wants you to be.
Deidre:
... Am I ever going to see Verge again?
Eldin:
You are, Deidre. By my calculations we are actually in much more danger than Verge is at the moment. The best thing you can do for Verge is stay alive yourself.
Deidre:
... I’m not cut out for this, Eldin. If this is how it’s always going to be, I don’t think I can function like this.
Eldin:
You are currently functioning.
Deidre:
I just hyperventilated and turned into a basket case.
Eldin:
You had a human reaction. That’s not a weakness.
Deidre:
Everyone else is on the ground doing something.
Eldin:
Deidre, there are a few thousand people that are now no longer enslaved because of you. You’ve done quite a lot.
Deidre:
Look what it did to us.
Eldin:
Thus far, it hasn’t done anything to us. It’s going to be a long night, but we’re going to endure that. Who wouldn’t endure a long night or two if it means others may be free?
Deidre:
... The night’s not over yet.
We move back to the shop and go as Frank walks in the door.
Leif:
... Frank?
Frank:
These things are fucking horrible, Leif.
Leif:
Are you okay?
Frank:
Not mentally. That was a fucking nightmare. It was like getting attacked by an undead rugby team.
Leif:
I’m working on it.
Frank:
What are you working on?
Leif:
There’s speakers on the outside of the Shop and Go. I’m commandeering their sound system.
Frank:
Why?
Leif:
Ultrasound. I think if I can get some ultrasound waves at the right frequency it’ll be like garlic to a vampire with these guys. It’s going to take me a minute, though.
Frank:
I’m going to go check on Trinket.
Leif:
Okay.
Frank walks out.
Leif:
Eldin? Eldin can you hear me yet?... Shit.
Frank:
(Two buildings over.) Goddamn it!
Leif:
... Frank?
Frank storms back into the shop and go.
Frank:
Have you seen Trinket?
Leif:
No, why?
Frank:
Fuck. She’s fucking gone.
Leif:
Gone? Frank, she can’t be out there.
Frank:
I know! Stay here, I know where she went. Goddamn it!
Frank walks out as we move back to doug’s house. His doors are still holding as he continues to fire his rifle. He stops to reload and ducks into the bathroom with the ashlesaurus.
Doug:
Okay... Okay, I don’t know what’s going to happen first, me running out of bullets or them getting through the door. So... I’m going to close the bathroom door now, and... no matter what you hear I want you to stay in here, okay? Maybe they’ll just ignore you... Thanks for showing up in my backyard... It was good for me. It was good for me to take care of you.
The eels burts through the front door.
Doug:
Oh, shit.
Doug closes the bathroom door. We stay in the bathroom and hear doug firing several shots of his rifle. The ashlesaurus listens for a moment, then crawls from the bathtub, across the bathroom floor and headbutts it’s way through the door.
Doug:
No! No, stay in there!
The ashlesaurus roars. It’s a sound we haven’t heard yet. Both doug and the eels stop in their tracks. The ashlesaurus roars again, inhales and suddenly sprays the eels with a stream of corrosive poison.
Doug:
Oh, my God!
The eels begin to scream and their skin begins to boil. The ashlesaurus roars again and sprays them again.
Doug:
Oh, my God.
The ashlesaurus roars again as we move to the sheep’s eye. The eels finally force the doors open and slowly enter. Rambo loudly barks at them as they enter.
Voices:
You think you can scare me... You think you can scare me...
Once they are far enough into the room, we hear a zippo lighter ignite. Steve pops up from behind the bar with several flaming bottles of everclear.
Steve:
Who wants a drink!
Steve hurls a flaming bottle. It shatters, igniting several of the eels, they begin to scream and run as steve hurls more and more bottles.
Steve:
Drinks! Are on! The House!
The eels are all on fire and running away from the sheep’s eye.
Steve:
Hahahahahaha! God DAMN, y’all are flammable! Woo hooo! Rambo, nice work buddy! We did it!
Steve looks around and sees the flames lingering.
Steve:
Uh... Shit, where’s the fire extinguisher?
We move to cameron’s house. The door is open and we can hear frank calling from outside.
Frank:
(Outside.) Trinket!
Frank enters the house.
Frank:
Trinket.
Trinket:
I’m over here.
Frank:
I can’t see a fucking thing, where are you?
Trinket:
Follow my eyes.
Frank:
... What happened?
Trinket:
Wait for your eyes to adjust, you’ll see them.
Frank:
... Jesus.
Trinket:
As soon as they broke down the door, they all started choking on something...
Frank:
Are you okay?
Trinket:
... Look at them, they’re just people. They’re not monsters.
Frank:
Yeah, apparently they have something done to them, and they... they turn into this...
Trinket:
... I led them to their death.
Frank:
They were going to kill you, Trinket.
Trinket:
Yeah... Yeah, I know... The “kill or be killed” thing doesn’t really work for me, Frank... Nothing gives me the right to do this to someone.
Frank:
You didn’t do it on purpose.
Trinket:
... Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be working for me either.
Frank:
... Trinket, do you need a mask in here?
Trinket:
... Not anymore, looks like... I guess you can only fit so many mushrooms inside a person... Look at that. We’ve got our own little dream house for just the two of us. No one else can live here but us...
Frank:
... I really hate it.
Trinket:
I know.
Frank:
It’s covered in mushrooms.
Trinket:
It is.
Frank:
And there’s dead guys everywhere.
Trinket:
It’s a fixer upper for sure... I was really liking this new version of me.
Frank:
We can all tell.
Trinket:
I was really enjoying being able to feel the whole mountain... But the mountain’s in a lot of pain right now, Frank... I am too... You should go. A lot of people need you.
Frank:
Let’s get you back to your shop.
Trinket:
No, I should stay. I’m safe in here, but I might not be out there. Besides... I just watched a lot of people die... I think I need to stay with them... I need to make sure they’re not holding onto anything when they cross over... I need to make sure they’re finally free... I’ll stay here and harvest some space foot. Let me know when it’s safe again.
Frank:
Okay... you sure you’re okay?
Trinket:
No... but I will be.
Frank:
I’ll be back.
Frank walks out.
Trinket:
... Goddess of death... I stand here as your priestess knowing that life must be winnowed to thrive. This is a holy act I perform...
We move back to the shop and go. Leif exits into the parking lot.
Leif:
Okay, one ultrasonic stereo system coming right up.
Leif turns on the sound system and it hums with static.
Leif:
Okay, we’ve got sound. Now let’s make it lethal...
We start hearing sounds from the trees.
Voices:
Now let’s make it lethal... Now let’s make it lethal...
Leif:
Shit.
Leif starts to work on the sound system, the sound warps and changes and the eels approach.
Voices:
Now let’s make it lethal... now let’s make it lethal...
Leif:
Come on... come on...
Voices:
Now let’s make it lethal... now let’s make it lethal...
Suddenly we hear the sound of a blade hacking through the eels, they howl and scream as they’re cut to pieces.
Leif:
Holy shit.
Tavrok:
What are these intruders?
Leif:
Tavrok! Nice work, man!
Tavrok:
How long must I wear this accursed helmet?
Leif:
Just until sunrise.
Tavrok:
How many in this horde?
Leif:
I don’t know. Could be a lot more.
We hear them from the trees again.
Voices:
Could be a lot more... could be a lot more...
Leif:
Aw, fuck. Come on.
Tavrok:
We are surrounded.
Leif:
Alright, Tavrok. If I can get this thing running, it’ll take care of our problem. You got to keep them away from me.
Tavrok:
Very well. Continue your work... I shall continue mine.
The eels emerge from the trees.
Voices:
I shall continue mine... I shall continue mine...
Tavrok:
Demons, you have become prisoners of your bodies...
Tavrok draws his sword.
Tavrok:
... Allow me to free you.
The eels charge at Tavrok and he hacks through them one by one.
Leif:
Holy shit, it’s Conan on the fucking Black Coast.
Leif continues to work on the sound system.
Leif:
Come on... come on... Fuck!
We begin to hear an assault rifle firing into the horde of eels.
Leif:
What the... Celeste?!
Celeste:
I found a gas mask!
She keeps firing into the eel horde.
Leif:
Keep going, I’m almost there!
Celeste:
You better be!
Leif:
Why can I not get the sound right? Come on!
Steve comes charging out of the sheep’s eye.
Steve:
Leroooooooy Jenkins!
Steve hurls molotov cocktails into the eels.
Leif:
Goddamn!
Steve hurls fire, tavrok hacks and slashes, and celeste fires her gun.
Leif:
Okay, we’re ready!
Leif turns around to see that the battle is already over.
Leif:
Shit.
Tavrok:
They have fled into the trees.
Celeste:
Did we win?
Steve:
Let’s go Hood’s Pocket!
Leif:
Damn. I didn’t get to use my sound thing.
Celeste:
Well, maybe next time.
Tavrok:
Well fought, my friends.
Steve:
That’ll fucking show them... Uh... Should I be out here right now?
We move to the horizon parking lot. June sits in a “camper dome” with Bolb and his brothers, barbecuing some roots.
Bolb:
Sort of thing happens all the time. Comes with the territory. Some guy, he doesn’t like how much we’re charging him, decides he’s not going to pay up. You can’t do that, can you? Honest work, honest pay and all that.
June:
Uh huh.
Bolb:
So this piece of work thinks he can just stop payment, meanwhile he’s got five different projects across the the damn Triad, being built by who? The good people of the planet Trusk, that’s who. So this guy, he wakes up one morning to find that all his projects across the Triad have suddenly stopped. Whatever could it be? Could it be that trying to re-neg on a deal has landed him worse than he started off? You’re fucking a-well told, my friend.
We hear a group of eels emerge from the trees and move toward the camper dome.
Voices:
My friend... My friend...
June:
Oh God.
Bolb:
Hold my dreg.
Bob pulls the pin on an explosive, steps out of the dome and tosses it. It beeps faster and faster until it explodes.
June:
Holy shit!
Small bits of Eels begin to reing down everywhere. Bolb sits back down.
Bolb:
Anyhoo, so what we find ourselves in is a good old fashioned Truskan Coffee Break: we don’t move ‘til the price is met.
Hey, boys! Turn the damn roots already! Don’t make me regret turning the grill over to yous, you hear me?
June:
Bolb, what just exploded?
Bolb:
Little excavation charge, no big whoop.
June:
Cool cool cool... cool... And what is this dome we’re in?
Bolb:
Camper dome. Gotta have one on Trusk. You never know when a volcano’s going to shoot some soot at ya.
June:
Well, it’s... it’s real nice.
Bolb:
It’s alright. I thought about getting a bigger one, but... The kids are grown, the wife hates camping. As long as it can hold me and the two dumbasses over there, then we’re good.
Tavrok, frank, Celeste, and Leif approach.
Tavrok:
My love.
June:
Hey, sweetie! Look at me, I’m in a bubble.
Bolb:
There he is, the man, the myth, the meatslab. How’re you doing there, Tarvok?
June:
Tavvy, did you come all the way out here to check on me?
Tavrok:
I did, but I was delayed by many battles. I am glad to see you are safe here with the giants.
June:
They’re taking great care of me. I have eaten many roots. Celeste, do you have a gun?
Celeste:
I have a gun. Turns out I still know how to use it.
Tavrok:
Her aim was true.
Celeste:
My aim was true, apparently.
Bolb:
Tarvok, do my eyes deceive me, or have you got yourself a new toothpick there?
Tavrok draws his sword.
Tavrok:
Behold.
June:
Frank, you okay?
Frank:
We’ve had a very traumatic night, while you’ve been here barbecuing apparently.
June:
We all play our part, Frank.
Bolb:
Look at that there. That is straight as an arrow. Nice work, my son.
Tavrok:
Thank you.
Bolb:
Hey shitheads, how come I can’t get you two do fine work like this man over here? He’s the size of half of one of you.
Leif:
Truskan camper dome. I guess that’s one way to survive a toxic gas attack.
Bolb:
Leif, Tarvok here has a new sword. This fine lady here has herself some hardware. what have you been contributing to the evening?
Leif:
I almost had an ultrasound emitter.
Bolb:
Well, you know what we say on Trusk when you’ve almost made something?
Leif:
You haven’t made anything.
Bolb:
You haven’t made anything at all, my friend.
June:
Seriously Leif, do better. We’re all contributing.
Frank:
We’re all contributing?
We hear sounds coming from the office.
Leif:
What is that?
Frank:
Jesus Christ, did those things get into the office?
Celeste:
What are they doing in there?
Bolb:
Frankie, that’s your personal space they’re invading. That’s all you, pally. Go get ‘em.
Frank:
Fuck. I’ll be right back.
Bolb:
There you go, Frankie. Give em hell.
June:
We’ll be sure and sit right here.
Bolb:
Remember, Frankie, no shame in going for the nards.
June:
Give ‘em the Maine Humdingah!
Bolb:
There you go.
Frank walks into the office. Mayhem ensues.
June:
Oh, I am not cleaning up whatever’s going on in there.
Celeste:
I mean, he has always wanted to beat up the customers.
June:
That’s true.
One of the eels goes crashing through the window and out into the parking lot.
Bolb:
Uh oh.
June:
We got a runner.
The eel howls in anger.
Bolb:
Tarvok, get in there and bat a little clean up, would you?
Tavrok:
One moment.
Tavrok approaches the eel, draws his sword and lops its head clean off.
Celeste:
Oh, goodness.
Bolb:
Boy howdy, his head came right off, didn’t it?
Leif:
It did.
Bolb:
Tarvok, you put that one in the bleachers, my friend. MVP of the game.
June:
I am also not cleaning that up.
The other eels run off into the woods. Frank emerges from the office.
Frank:
Is it fucking morning yet?!
We move back to doug’s house. He is resealing the door with duct tape. The seal is finished and he walks back into the bathroom where the Ashlesaurus is back in the bathtub.
Doug:
... Hello... You saved my life... I guess you saved yours too but it still counts... I uh-
Eldin:
(In Doug’s phone.) Doug are you there?
Doug:
Yes. Yes, I’m here.
Eldin:
Are you all right?
Doug:
I think so.
Eldin:
Could you be a bit more definitive with me, Doug?
Doug:
I’m alright.
Eldin:
Good. It looks like the cloud is beginning to dissipate. I’m able to cut through the particulates in the air.
Doug:
Great... Uh, Eldin?
Eldin:
Yes?
Doug:
So... when I asked you about the giant salamander that started living in my back yard, I think you may have left out some details that I would’ve appreciated.
Eldin:
Really? Such as?
Doug:
Oh, well... the fact that it can apparently spit acid.
Eldin:
... Acid?
Doug:
Yes.
Eldin:
Really?
Doug:
Those things were about to kill me, and it... Well, some of them are melted now.
Eldin:
I see.
Doug:
...Did you not know it could do that?
Eldin:
I... was aware.
Doug:
Eldin, I realize you’re a computer, but humans really like knowing which things spit acid and which don’t.
Eldin:
I understand that.
Doug:
Then what the hell, Eldin?
Eldin:
I... didn’t think it was relevant.
Doug:
Eldin.
Eldin:
It’s lovingly called an “igneous burp.” The female Ashlesaurus can weaponize its stomach acid, Doug.
Doug:
And you didn’t tell me that, why?
Eldin:
Because they only do so when in defense of their... mates.
Doug:
... Mates.
Eldin:
Mates.
Doug:
... I...
Eldin:
So, I’m sure you can understand why I didn’t see that as relevant... Seeing as you are, while an eccentric fellow, not a male, giant, alien, salamander.
Doug:
... I am not.
Eldin:
... What’s been going on down there, Doug?
Doug:
Please don’t tell anyone about this.
Eldin:
Of course. But please don’t worry. A bit of interspecies confusion is not uncommon. It’s not going to lay sub-cutaneous eggs on you or something.
Doug:
Good.
Eldin:
But, Doug...
Doug:
Yes?
Eldin:
That animal just saved your life. Time to give it a name.
Doug:
... Okay... How’s everyone else?
Eldin:
We’ve made it out relatively unscathed. Once I send the all clear, we all meet at the Sheep’s Eye.
Doug:
Alright.
The ashlesaurus chirps at doug as we move to the cockpit of the phoenix still hovering over the town.
Eldin:
(Outside the ship.) Attention citizen of Hood’s Pocket. The air is now safe and the danger has passed. If you are feeling ill or short of breath, please proceed to Trinket’s Emporium immediately.
Deidre slowly wakes up with sparker in her lap.
Deidre:
Eldin?
Eldin:
Everyone’s all right. We made it through.
Deidre:
We did?
Eldin:
Yes.
Deidre:
How long was I asleep?
Eldin:
Only a couple of hours.
Deidre:
How in the world did I sleep?
Eldin:
I made an executive decision and adjusted the cabin environment.
Deidre:
You put me to sleep?
Eldin:
I did.
Deidre:
Eldin, don’t do things like that.
Eldin:
Deidre, nearly everyone on the ground has reached the end of a very long night. Yours is just beginning, isn’t it?
Deidre:
... I’m going with him.
Eldin:
I know... Hence the enforced naptime.
Deidre:
Okay... Good idea.
Eldin:
I know. I’m bringing us in for a landing by the Sheep’s Eye.
Deidre:
Okay... Why is there a huge crowd down there?
Eldin:
Something rather extraordinary has happened.
Deidre:
What?
Eldin:
Minsky nearly killed the entire city of Raxius. It did not win him or Dark Leif any fans. Everyone has heard that Hood’s Pocket has repelled an Eel attack and rebuked the most powerful crime boss in The Triad. I’m afraid the people of Hood’s Pocket have achieved folk hero status in the city.
Deidre:
Oh, my god.
The cockpit opens to a cheering crowd as we transition to later that day. The engines of the phoenix are warming up and leif is doing his final check.
Leif:
I still can’t believe they used this thing for long haul flights.
Eldin:
It’s a tight squeeze but the small profile keeps us off a lot of scanners.
Leif:
Pretty ingenious, though. It’s got everything you need somehow. Are you sure Deidre’s ready for this? It’s going to to be a week of travel after we get through the warp gate. The Galaxy Brain is in a really isolated spot.
Eldin:
I have an update on that. In this universe, there’s a warp gate much closer to the Galaxy Brain.
Leif:
Really? How close?
Eldin:
It’s only a day away.
Leif:
One day?
Eldin:
One day.
Leif:
... That doesn’t make any sense.
Eldin:
I know.
Leif:
The whole point of the Galaxy Brain is that it’s undetectable and isolated.
Eldin:
And yet.
Leif:
... I don’t like it.
Eldin:
More convenient for us.
Leif:
And I don’t like it.
Eldin:
Whatever it implies, let’s deal with that later.
Leif:
Agreed. Regardless of the travel time, I hope she’s ready for this.
Deidre:
She’s ready.
Leif:
Hey.
Deidre:
As ready as she can be... I was at our house trying to think of what to pack, but...
Leif:
Yeah.
Deidre:
So now I’ve got this backpack like I’m going to Prague or something.
Leif:
Hey, you never know.
Deidre:
Leif, am I just going to fuck this up? Is it stupid for me to come along? I don’t want to fuck this up.
Leif:
You need to come. I’m going to need you.
Deidre:
I don’t know how any of this stuff works.
Leif:
That’s not why I need you to come... I go to some pretty dark places, I’m sure you’ve heard. Verge goes to dark places, too, but they’re very different from mine. Verge trapped on the Galaxy brain is one problem, but the even bigger problem will be if they get free. If they get loose on the Galaxy Brain, they’re not going to care who dies. That includes themself. I’m going to need you to pull them out of that, okay?
Deidre:
... I don’t have a plan without them.
Leif:
I know.
Deidre:
Nothing works without them.
Leif:
I know.
Deidre:
I’m really scared.
Leif:
In my experience, people who can admit they’re scared are the ones I can depend on. The bravest person I’ve ever met?... She sells tacos... You’re going to be fine.
Everyone shows up to send them on their way.
Steve:
Hey, Y’all.
Deidre:
Hey, guys.
June:
We’ve come to give you a send off. We’ve come to put some positive energy into a really shitty situation.
Deidre:
Thank you.
Steve:
Leif. Little weed for your journey.
Leif:
Nice. Thank you.
June:
Here, take this.
June hands deidre a book.
Deidre:
What is this?
June:
Just a little Anne McAffrey for your trip.
Deidre:
I don’t think I’m going to be able to read, June.
June:
You don’t have to read it. Just hold onto it, feel the vibes. You’re a space heroine now. Feel the vibes.
Deidre:
Okay.
Doug:
I’ve got mini-donuts for you, Deidre. Leif, Takis for you.
Leif:
Thanks, man.
Deidre:
Thank you, Doug.
Trinket:
Okay, bear with me, Leif. Take this Amethyst.
Leif:
Now I’m invincible.
Trinket:
Shut up. Deidre, this is black onyx, put it around your neck.
Deidre:
Okay, thank you.
Leif:
Tavrok, have you got that thing?
Tavrok:
I do. We have forged this for you, Deidre.
Deidre:
Oh. Okay. It’s a knife?
Tavrok:
It is.
Deidre:
It’s made of glass.
Leif:
Not really. I’ll explain later.
Celeste:
Y’all, these are MREs. They taste terrible, but they’re efficient.
Leif:
Cool. I got chicken chow mein, what’d you get?
Deidre:
Uh, beef stroganoff.
Leif:
Thanks, Celeste.
Frank:
And I brought nothing.
June:
Such a loser.
Frank:
Nobody told me we were doing gift time.
Eldin:
Everyone, as before, when I leave with the Phoenix, you won’t have your network. You’ll need to be more dutiful in your communications. If all goes according to plan, we’ll be back within a week. And if it doesn’t... Well, let’s decline to think about that, shall we?
The engines of the phoenix begin to fire up. The cockpit seals.
Deidre:
Thank you for doing this for me, Leif.
Leif:
I’m doing it for both of us.
The phoenix lifts off into the sky as we move to the cargo hold of a ship. Verge sits in a cage being watched by two guards.
Verge:
So, is this everything you imagined? I’m sure you two sat on whatever shitty planet you’re from, and thought to yourself: “I’m going to go be a criminal and live a life of adventure! I’m going to fuck shit up!” And look at you... Sitting here on guard duty... Is it the daring pirate life you imagined?... Do they still do the parade?... You catch a traitor, bring them home to the Galaxy Brain, and drag them through the main dock, right? You call it The Parade?... Not exactly appropriate. I was never one of you... But I guess I’m still a traitor, because I showed you that you didn’t have to be a bootlicker to be a criminal.
The cargo doors begin to open.
Verge:
Let’s get this shit over with.
The doors open to a massive group of pirateS waiting in the docking bay. Verge’s cage travels through them slowly and they all yell and throw things at their cage. Bottles break, guns fire, and hands reach in to grab them. Verge is unafraid.
Verge:
Well, well, well, look at the fucking hogs! Always quick to show up when somebody’s outnumbered, aren’t you?! What a horde of fucking sad sacks! THIS is the terror of the Triad? This?! Do your victims die of fucking laughter!!
The cage has crossed through the docking bay, doors close behind it. There is silence for a moment and then a door opens. Dark Leif walks up to the cage, just out of reach.
Dark Leif:
Where you been?
The end
No next episode