Midnight Burger
Chapter 52: Old Friends
Here the sound of jezinka’s cannon firing into the sky again. Ava sits with karl, as jezinka coasts from one side of the room to the other making adjustments. The cannon fires again.
Ava:
Karl I’m going to go ahead and put this in the category of “bad.” Do you feel comfortable with that?...
Okay, let’s game this out. We have a big gun. It’s being proposed that this big gun can destroy the diner right?
Let’s consider for a moment all the things the diner has been through and NOT been destroyed. A black hole one time, etcetera... What then could be made that would destroy it? That’s the question, right?
It can’t be a question of a high level of energy, because what has more energy than a black hole? Also, if it did have more energy than a black hole, it would rip apart basically everything as soon as it was fired, right? So then it must be something else. Some sort of Achilles Heel.
Karl meows.
Ava:
Yeah, I hear you, they could just be fooling themselves. She says she’s going to destroy the diner, but what the hell does she know?
Karl meows.
Ava:
I know. More data.
Ava approaches jezinka.
Ava:
Hi.
Jezinka ignores her.
Ava:
So, Jezinka, this big gun of yours. How does it work?
Jezinka:
New energy.
Ava:
New energy. Can you expand on that?
Jezinka:
No.
Ava:
Okay... So, what phase of the testing are you in?
Jezinka:
Efficacy testing is complete.
Ava:
It’s... complete. You know it works?
Jezinka:
Correct.
Ava:
The diner’s destroyed?
Jezinka:
No.
Ava:
How do you know it works?
Jezinka:
There have been several successful tests on targets in the testing field.
Ava:
The testing field? What is that?
Jezinka:
My father has collected a field of test targets.
Ava:
Test... The other constructs? The ones scattered all around the castle?
Jezinka:
For an ample period of time, my father has been collecting similar targets and arranging them in the testing field.
Ava:
Oh.
Jezinka:
It is important to continue maintenance testing. I will test now.
Ava:
That’s okay.
The giant cannon begins to rotate downward.
Ava:
Jezinka, don’t do this on my account. It’s really fine.
Jezinka:
It is important to continue maintenance testing.
Ava:
I really take your word for it.
Jezinka brings up an image.
Jezinka:
Here is our current target.
Ava:
The Stone Fox.
Jezinka:
It is the most recent acquisition. Testing will identify deviations.
Ava:
Maybe skip it though.
Jezinka:
Please secure yourself for energy release.
The cannon powers up.
Ava:
Energy release?
The canon fires and there is a massive release of energy outside the castle. Everything shakes.
Jezinka:
The target has been destroyed.
Ava:
It’s gone... You destroyed it.
Jezinka:
As I said, the testing phase for the weapon has ended.
Ava:
What phase are you in now?
Jezinka:
Targeting. The constructs in the targeting field do not require acquisition in a targeting matrix. In order to destroy an extrasolar target, there will need to be complex targeting schemes.
Ava:
So, how far along are you in testing the targeting?
Jezinka:
Testing is nearly complete. All that is required now is a target within range.
Ava:
What’s your range?
Jezinka:
As soon as Midnight Burger is detected in the Cyrptessia system, I will target the weapon and fire.
Ava:
... Fucking great.
Karl meows.
Ava:
Any ideas, Karl?
We transition to a private plane flying through the sky. Ava and MARGUERITE are very comfortable.
Marguerite:
This is how you do it.
Ava:
Agreed.
Marguerite:
We’ve been flying wrong our whole lives.
Ava:
Incorrectly.
Marguerite:
We were supposed to be flying privately this whole time.
Ava:
We were.
Marguerite:
Instead we were flying publicly.
Ava:
I didn’t realize how terrible it was until now.
Marguerite:
These seats are leather.
Ava:
I may not be able to leave this plane.
Marguerite:
Why would we leave?
Ava:
It’s nicer than my house.
Marguerite:
Can we get her to take the long way to wherever we’re going?
Ava:
... Where are we going?
Marguerite:
No idea.
Ava:
Do we want to know?
Marguerite:
No idea.
Ex approaches.
Ex:
Good morning.
Marguerite:
Hello.
Ex:
Can I get you anything to drink?
Marguerite:
To drink? Hm... How deep are we going into the lap of luxury here?
Ava:
Two mimosas please.
Marguerite:
Alright then.
Ex:
No problem. Please look over these NDAs while you wait.
Marguerite:
Okay... NDAs.
Ava:
Guess it was just a matter of time.
Marguerite:
Are we going to be asked to make weapons of mass destruction?
Ava:
It’s possible.
Marguerite:
Okay, do you know how to make a weapon of mass destruction? Because I have no idea.
Ava:
Why would I know?
Marguerite:
You’re a physicist.
Ava:
We’re both physicists.
Marguerite:
Right, but my physics is the star-gaze-y physics, and your physics is closer to the making-things-blow-up physics.
Ava:
I guess I can figure it out.
Marguerite:
Great. And we’re okay with that morally?
Ava:
As long as we get to stay on the plane.
Marguerite:
... So, that was one of them, right?
Ava:
What?
Marguerite:
Her, she’s one of the android things? There’s two of them right?
Ava:
That was one of them?
Marguerite:
I think so.
Ava:
Wow. It’s not as impressive as the leather seats, but it’s nice work.
Caspar approaches and sits opposite them.
Caspar:
Hey there.
Marguerite:
Well, well, well.
Ava:
Mr. Motorboat.
Caspar:
Everything alright? You guys are comfortable?
Ava:
So comfortable.
Caspar:
I realize this is a rather unusual situation.
Ava:
We don’t know what you mean.
Marguerite:
An android just took our drink order, and we’re looking over these NDAs while we’re being flown to an undisclosed location, and I’m like, “God, again?”
Ava:
Just another Tuesday.
Caspar:
Sure. I promise all will be explained to you.
Ava:
We can’t wait for that explanation.
Marguerite:
We can’t. Hey Caspar, did you know that I can get the internet on my phone?
Caspar:
I’ve heard about that. I hear it’s very popular.
Marguerite:
When the most powerful woman on the planet tells you to get on a plane, you just kind of do it. It’s obligatory.
Ava:
But then there’s you.
Marguerite:
Right. And I was like, “Who’s this guy?”
Caspar:
I get that a lot.
Marguerite:
The ex-husband of the most powerful woman on the planet.
Caspar:
That’s me.
Ava:
Who walked into my office asking for a motorboat.
Caspar:
Phrasing. Look... I realize that an android just took your drink order, and yet I’m really the odd one out on this plane.
Ava:
Because you teach middle school history and everyone else on this plane can crush walnuts with their intellect?
Caspar:
Something like that.
Ex:
Okay, two mimosas.
Ava:
Fantastic.
Marguerite:
We didn’t read these NDAs but we signed them anyway.
Ex:
Great.
Ava:
We’re totally fine with whatever death ray laser you guys are building.
Ex:
That’s great to know. Let me know if you need anything else.
Marguerite:
We will. Everything is so great by the way, you’re doing such a great job.
Ex:
Thank you.
Marguerite:
How’s your day going? Are you having a good day?
Ex:
I am, thank you for asking.
Marguerite:
Of course.
Caspar:
Could I get something to drink?
Ex walks away.
Caspar:
Ma’am? Robot ma’am, could I have a beverage? You know what? I’ll be right back.
Caspar walks toward the back of the plane.
Ava:
Seriously?
Marguerite:
What?
Ava:
You’re hitting on the android?
Marguerite:
I’m not hitting on the android.
Ava:
“How’s your day going. Are you having a good day?”
Marguerite:
That’s not hitting on someone.
Ava:
So really something just needs to be shaped like a woman. Do you hit on the hula girls that truckers keep on their dashboard too?
Marguerite:
Those are pretty hot.
Ava:
Cheers, dummy.
Marguerite:
Cheers, dummy.
Caspar pulls open the curtain and walks into the flight attendant area.
Caspar:
Hey. What’s up?
Ex:
This is stupid. Why am I doing this? Why don’t we just tell them everything?
Caspar:
We can’t dump it all on them at once. We need to slowly introduce all of the completely ridiculous aspects of this story one at a time.
Ex:
Human beings are so slow.
Caspar:
Don’t complain to me about slowness. Right before this, you were literally watching trees grow.
Ex:
Fine.
Caspar:
We’ve got the NDAs signed, which Philomena was really worried about. Now I’m going to go talk to her and we will get to the nitty gritty of the situation, okay?
Ex:
Fine.
Caspar:
Fine.
Caspar closes the curtain. After a moment he reopens the curtain.
Caspar:
I would like to just say, you’re a super powerful android who can see through time and space and you could TOTALLY tell us exactly what’s going to happen and all of the right things to do, but you’re just not doing that, and I haven’t complained about that at all.
Ex:
Spoilers, Caspar.
Caspar:
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Caspar closes the curtain and makes his way to the front of the plane where Philomena is on a video call.
Philomena:
... Yes, I’ve seen the numbers and they don’t make any sense. We’re going to have to start the process over from the beginning. Recalibrate the units and go back to square one. I don’t know how to solve this problem right now and I don’t have time. Set everything back to zero and wait for my go ahead.
Caspar:
Hi.
Philomena:
Hi.
Caspar:
What’s going on? Important things?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
Things I wouldn’t understand, I’m assuming.
Philomena:
I’m trying to bring back Two and Three.
Caspar:
Two are Three were zapped into a random place in the multiverse.
Philomena:
Their minds were backed up to the mainframe on campus. I’m trying to load those minds into new simulacrums, but something’s not working.
Caspar:
You can just reboot them into new bodies?
Philomena:
Theoretically I can, but something’s not working.
Caspar:
Would you like my two cents? Maybe I can solve the problem.
Philomena:
No, thank you. Are we ready to do this?
Caspar:
As ready as we’re ever going to be.
Philomena:
You really think they’re going to buy this?
Caspar:
It’s a thoroughly unbelievable story, but we’ve got pretty compelling evidence.
Philomena:
And they’re not going to just freak out and join a nunnery?
Caspar:
Those two joining a nunnery is actually a more unbelievable story than the one we’re about to tell them.
Philomena:
Fine, let’s go.
Caspar:
Okay.
Caspar and Philomena walk to the back of the plane.
Philomena:
Hello. I’m Philomena.
Marguerite:
Hello.
Ava:
You have a lovely plane.
Philomena:
Thank you.
Marguerite:
Will we all get one of these when it’s Utopia?
Philomena:
No.
Marguerite:
Another strike for Utopia.
Philomena:
I’ve been asking around about you two.
Ava:
Ruh-ro.
Marguerite:
That’s almost never followed by something good.
Ava:
Did they talk about how good we are at parties?
Marguerite:
Or would be if we ever went to them?
Ava:
If you’ve talked to Professor Alyssa Keithley at CalTech, I don’t know how the lab mice got out and she can’t prove anything.
Marguerite:
I actually suffer from delayed onset childhood, you can look it up, I actually age backward Benjamin Button style but only mentally.
Philomena:
Professor Maddox, you are working on something so secretive that you write in an antiquated form of Dutch shorthand. And Professor Sagnier, you are rumored to have a stack of notes on your kitchen table that you’ve never shown to anyone. Both of these projects are apparently revolutionary and would change the face of physics.
Marguerite:
...
Ava:
...
Marguerite:
Is that why you write in that shorthand?
Ava:
What’s with the notes on your kitchen table?
Marguerite:
You first.
Ava:
You first.
Marguerite:
Wait, how do you know this?
Philomena:
I know this because Caspar told me.
Caspar:
Hi, there.
Ava:
Mr. Motorboat?
Caspar:
I really need that to not be my nickname.
Marguerite:
Is he your private investigator or something?
Philomena:
He’s not. I’ve been waiting until we were in the air to tell you this because I need you two to be a captive audience for a while.
Ava:
Now I’m uncomfortable.
Marguerite:
I am too. It’s a new feeling.
Ex enters from the back with two tablets.
Ex:
Ladies, here are a couple of tablets. There’s going to be some data you’re going to need to look at.
Marguerite:
Okay.
Ava:
Sure.
Philomena:
I’m going to make a phone call, okay?
Ava:
... Sure.
Philomena’s phone rings. Eventually caspar picks up.
Caspar:
(On the phone.) Several calls in the past week. Maybe it really is the end times like they’re saying on all the wrong news channels.
Philomena:
Hi, there.
Caspar:
How’s it going?
Philomena:
I’ll be there.
Caspar:
You’ll be there?
Philomena:
David’s gallery thing, I’ll be there.
Caspar:
Oh, yeah?
Philomena:
Yeah. It’s on my calendar. I’ll be there.
Caspar:
Okay, that’s great.
Philomena:
Okay... What do I do? Do I bring a gift to an art opening?
Caspar:
I think you just wear a turtleneck and go for it.
Philomena:
Okay... Okay, then I’ll see you there.
Caspar:
I think this is really great, Phil.
Philomena:
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Caspar:
Okay, I’ll see you then.
Philomena:
I’ll see you then.
Philomena hangs up.
Ava:
... But he’s right there.
Philomena:
Yes.
Marguerite:
So, who were you talking to?
Philomena:
Him.
Marguerite:
Uh...
Philomena:
I need the two of you to use thoses very big brains of yours to zoom all the way out... A few days ago, this Caspar showed up on my Campus. I knew it wasn’t my ex-husband, but I didn’t know how it wasn’t my ex-husband. Long story short, we performed a scan of him with a spectrometer. That scan revealed that, at the molecular level, his body reflects light at a slightly different frequency that anyone on board this plane. Or this planet. What does that mean, Dr. Sagnier?
Marguerite:
... That would mean that... he’s from a different universe.
Ex:
That data is on your tablets now.
Caspar:
I’m from a different universe than yours. The motorboat I need you to build me is the vessel that’s going to get me back to where I need to go without killing me.
Marguerite:
Is this data right?
Ava:
It’s right.
Caspar:
Look. You’re both very smart people, and I’m sure you’re both thinking of all the ways this can’t be true. So, Ex is going to speed things along for us, okay?
Ex:
Don’t freak out.
Marguerite:
How is she going to speed things along?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Marguerite:
What is she going to do?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Ex vanishes.
Marguerite:
HO MOMMA.
Ava:
What.
Marguerite:
She’s gone.
Ava:
I know.
Marguerite:
Where did she go?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Ex reappears.
Marguerite:
BACK NOW, SHIT.
Ex hands a small red teddy bear to MARGUERITE.
Ex:
Here you go, Marguerite.
Marguerite:
What... This...
Ava:
A teddy bear?
Ex:
Do you want to tell Ava what that is?
Marguerite:
This can’t...
Ex:
You wrote his name on the tag, remember?
Marguerite:
I... this... this is August.
Ex:
Your mom accidentally gave him to Goodwill right?
Marguerite:
You... you found my teddy bear... from when I was a child?
Ex:
No, Marguerite, I didn’t. I went to a universe where you never lost it, and it was sitting in a box, in an attic.
Marguerite:
I... think... we would like... more mimosas, please.
Ex:
One second.
Caspar:
Ava, the research that Marguerite has on her kitchen table is research that confirms the big bounce theory.
Marguerite:
It confirms it?
Caspar:
In another universe, she shows this research to you. And when you combine her research with your research on a single point of null entropy in the universe, you leave your job and you go and find it. When you find it, that’s when you meet me.
Ava:
...
Caspar:
How’re you doing?
Ava:
... From the beginning.
Caspar:
Okay... once upon a time, my son ran away from home...
We move back to krok’s castle. Jezinka’s cannon fires into the sky again while ava talks to karl.
Ava:
You know what the problem is, Karl? I’m not the save-the-day one. I’m the one who gets some sort of weird idea and then someone else does the save-the-day thing. I’m a muse, Karl. I inspire people. But now, here we are... As soon as Jezinka figures out how to target that thing, and as soon as the diner gets back to Cryptessia, it’s going to get blown to bits. And we– that’s you and I, Karl. We have to figure out a way to stop it.
The cannon fires again.
Ava:
There does not appear to be an off switch or a way to unplug it from the wall. And a cannon as long as a football field does not seem susceptible to me spilling coffee on it... What’s the biggest flaw with any scientific endeavor, Karl? I’ve told you this a million times... Us. Humans. Thinking people. Our short-sightedness, our prejudices, our hubris... Jezinka is the weak link here... Okay... Okay... Remember when I asked her why she was doing this?... She said, “It’s what I do.” And then I said, “Why?” And then she said... “I have answered your question.”... I met this guy at a conference one time named Danny Marz... Danny designed weapons... You see, Karl, if you get enough scientists in a room, it’s inevitable that there will be a few who have shoes that are a little too nice, drive cars that are a little too fast, always buying drinks at the bar... Defense contractors. They’re all over the place, but I remember Danny because he was a loud one and he was a talker. Could not shut up about what he did for a living. And he was completely oblivious to how much he disgusted the other scientists who were all dedicating their lives to observing space rocks and studying meerkats or whatever... Danny stood there, holding court at the bar, while he described his crowning achievement. It’s called a “daisy-cutter,” apparently. It’s a bomb. When you drop it, it doesn’t explode when it hits the ground, it explodes right before it hits the ground. It’s designed to leave the ground under it untouched, while shredding all of the human beings standing on it. Cutting down the daisies. Danny had apparently designed the next-generation daisy cutter and talked at length about how much more efficiently his bomb massacres people. It was fascinating to listen to him talk because... he could’ve been talking about anything. He could’ve been talking about a vegetable spiralizer. But he was talking about this... Late that night, one of the zoologists got a little drunk and decided to lay into him and call him a murderer– made a whole scene. Danny just stood there while he got tore into by this lady and at the end of her diatribe against him he simply shrugged his shoulders and said... “It’s what I do.” ... Maybe Danny just needed something else to do, Karl?... Wish me luck.
Ava approaches jezinka.
Ava:
So, Jezinka. When you say this thing uses “new energy,” what do you mean by that?
Jezinka:
The weapon is powered by harvesting quantum vacuum fluctuations.
Ava:
You’re... you’re harvesting vacuum fluctuations?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
... Jesus fucking Christ. Okay... Uh, anyway... hey, have you ever wondered what else this technology can do?
Jezinka stops.
Jezinka:
What else?
Ava:
Yeah... Jezinka?
Jezinka:
An expansion of applications?
Ava:
Yes.
Jezinka:
I was asked to create the weapon.
Ava:
Right... Jezinka, do you ever have ideas come to you? In idle moments? Maybe you had a weird dream, or somebody says something, and it sends you down a rabbit hole?
Jezinka:
What is a rabbit hole?
Ava:
It’s a place where new information leads you. You get curious, and you find your mind going to a different place.
Jezinka:
I am presented with problems and I orchestrate their solutions.
Ava:
Right.
Jezinka goes back to work.
Ava:
Wanna mess around?
Jezinka stops.
Jezinka:
Please define “mess around.”
Ava:
What if I presented you with a problem and you came up with a solution?
Jezinka:
I am currently engaged.
Ava:
Sure, with the big gun. But what if the big gun was a dual purpose device?
Jezinka:
You’re proposing multiple applications?
Ava:
What if your weapon could also be something else?
Jezinka:
Please define the problem to solve.
Ava:
I don’t know... The weapon can deliver energy... Can it also deliver information?
Jezinka:
...
Ava:
... Jezinka?
Jezinka:
Please define the data set.
Ava:
Oh. Okay. Gee, I don’t know, let’s start small. How about a simple audio recording?
Jezinka:
... I can solve this problem.
Ava:
Oh, yeah?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
Great.
Jezinka:
... May I have the organism?
Ava:
The... Karl?
Jezinka:
May I have the Karl?
Ava:
Okay... Karl? You’re up.
We move to effie and zebulon’s ship. All is quiet on deck but effie slowly paces.
Zebulon:
Dear?
Effie:
Yes, dear.
Zebulon:
Everything all right?
Effie:
... Yes, dear I believe so.
Zebulon:
Alright.
Effie continues to wander a bit.
Zebulon:
You seem to be wandering a bit about the ship, dear.
Effie:
... How are things, dear?
Zebulon:
Things?
Effie:
Any pressing matters at the moment?
Zebulon:
All continues apace. We’ve just disembarked a batch of the infirmed and are docked with the flagship, awaiting our next deployment.
Effie:
... Any funny business afoot out there?
Zebulon:
Well, that’s not the sort of thing I can check on from where I sit, but I don’t observe anything out of sorts at the moment.
Effie:
... Dear, I do believe I’m having a notion.
Zebulon:
Really?
Effie:
I believe so.
Zebulon:
Been a while, dear.
Effie:
It has... My notions have a propensity to begin in my knees and, as you know dear, these knees are not my own.
Zebulon:
They are not. They are, in fact, knees of iron made in some sort of foundry.
Effie:
And yet I am having a notion.
Zebulon:
Perhaps these new legs of yours are not unlike the legs of a foal. Awkward and stumbling at first but, once given the chance, can break into a run.
Effie:
Indeed... Where’s David?
Zebulon:
I’m unsure. David, may we have a word?
David:
(Through the comms panel.) Hey, y’all, what’s up?
Effie:
David, what’s the present state of your duties?
David:
My duties? My duties are complete, I was about to go have some dinner. What’s going on?
Effie:
...
David:
Effie?
Effie:
David, come on down to the ship. I’m having a notion.
David:
A what?
Effie:
A notion, David.
David:
I don’t know what that means.
Zebulon:
David, Effie has, throughout our lives, had a bit of a notion now and then about things.
David:
You guys keep saying “notion” like it’s going to suddenly become clear to me.
Effie:
David, I am getting dangerously close to repeating myself. Do I have to repeat myself?
David:
Okay, Jeez. I’ll be right there.
Zebulon:
What’s it to be, dear?
Effie:
... Put some coal in the engine, dear. I believe we’ll set out and follow my knees around for a bit.
Zebulon:
I’ll get the pistons firing dear.
We move back to philomena’s plane. Caspar sits across from philomena.
Philomena:
How do you think they’re doing?
Caspar:
They seem to be doing fine.
Philomena:
How could they possibly be doing fine? I’m not doing fine.
Caspar:
I can tell. Ava gets this look in her eyes when she’s suddenly not bored anymore.
Philomena:
Does she?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Philomena:
I don’t want them stepping off this plane and making a call to the New York Times.
Caspar:
They signed the NDAs.
Philomena:
Yes, because nobody’s broken an NDA before.
Caspar:
I don’t understand what you’re worried about.
Philomena:
I’m worried about my life’s work, Caspar. I’ve been building Inmelda and Scott for my entire life. If it gets derailed because of this plan, I will be nonplussed, to say the least.
Caspar:
Oh, you’ll be nonplussed. So you’re running a goofy errand for a minute, that’s not going to suddenly get people to change their mind about utopia.
Philomena:
Yes, it will.
Caspar:
What are you talking about?
Philomena:
There’s a particular psychology around changing the world, Caspar.
Caspar:
How so?
Philomena:
I want you to watch something.
Caspar:
Okay.
Philomena:
Take my phone. Look at that.
Caspar:
“This lion was kept in a cage all its life. We set it free. What happens next will shock you.” Are you sure it’s going to shock me?
Philomena:
Click it.
Caspar:
Okay.
Philomena:
Now, I want you to watch that lion. Look at the look on it’s face. The side of its cage opens and suddenly it sees a big, wide, beautiful world. What does it do?
Caspar:
... It cowers in the corner.
Philomena:
Right. A better world is about six feet away, but it has no idea what a better world is. It has no idea there was even the possibility of endless grasslands and a big blue sky. And because it can’t imagine that better world, that better world becomes terrifying. People are the same way. They’ll look for any excuse they can to stick with the thing they know. Even if the thing they know is killing them. I’ve almost got them at the edge of the cage, Caspar. One wrong move and they retreat back into the darkness. And if you don’t believe me, keep in mind that the electric car was invented in 1884.
Caspar:
... You can actually find miniature models earlier than that— you can go back to—
Philomena:
Caspar.
Caspar:
Sorry.
Philomena:
So I’m sure you can imagine if news broke that I was going on a top secret mission to create a transdimensional motorboat, that people would be scared back into the corner of the cage.
Caspar:
I understand... Turns out that video did shock me. Okay, I’ll go check on them, make sure they’re going to be alright.
Philomena:
Thank you.
Caspar:
What was that thing you were talking to other me about? A gallery opening?
Philomena:
David has a showing at a gallery in Baltimore.
Caspar:
That’s great. You’re going to go?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
I think that’s great. How do you have a gallery showing when you’re a street artist?
Philomena:
I have no idea.
Caspar:
Okay, I’m going. Hey. What did you say you named your company?
Philomena:
... I already did this with one Caspar, I’m not doing it with another.
Caspar:
Inmelda and Scott?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
Your hamster?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
From when you were eight years old?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
Is in the name of your International corporation?
Philomena:
In the early days, investors felt more comfortable if I implied I had a partner.
Caspar:
So you just put the name of your hamster in the company name.
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
That’s going to be amazing for historians a hundred years from now.
Philomena:
I am now done talking to you.
Caspar:
Okay.
At the back of the plane, Ex talks with Ava and Marguerite.
Marguerite:
So, you’re the motorboat?
Ex:
I’m the motor. We need the boat.
Marguerite:
It was a much simpler world just a few minutes ago.
Ex:
It was. I know how you feel.
Marguerite:
How?
Ex:
Well, I used to be a programmed robot, but then something happened to me and I had to spend several decades at the bottom of a river in Kentucky putting myself back together again.
Marguerite:
...
Ava:
...
Marguerite:
Sure.
Ava:
I have a question.
Marguerite:
Thank God.
Ava:
What are you doing here?
Ex:
Me?
Ava:
You can travel through space, time, and dimension, and you’re just hanging out with us humans?
Ex:
Yeah.
Ava:
Why?
Ex:
Well, I pulled myself up out of that river, and part of freeing my mind was knowing how powerful I was. But I didn’t know what any of that meant. I had to figure that out. I had to figure a lot of things out. And the first person I thought to talk to was Caspar.
Caspar:
Hey, guys. Did you know that Philomena named her world changing company after her hamster?
Ava:
This guy.
Ex:
Uh-huh.
Marguerite:
Caspar, I have a question.
Caspar:
Okay.
Marguerite:
When you walked into Ava’s office, you knew both of us. How did you know me?
Caspar:
Oh, right, I skipped that part. At a certain point, we ran into a time traveling dimension spanning movie theater and you were there.
Marguerite:
I was there?
Caspar:
Yeah, you and Polly Jean.
Marguerite:
... Polly Jean.
Ava:
Polly Jean? Wife of the Dean?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Ava:
What was she doing there?
Caspar:
They were together.
Ava:
What?
Marguerite:
W-what?
Caspar:
Yeah, they were secretly together and then the dean found out, and that’s how Marguerite lost her job.
Ava:
That’s crazy.
Marguerite:
S-so crazy.
Caspar:
Yeah, you guys actually got married at the diner.
Marguerite:
WHAT?!
Caspar:
...
Ava:
...
Ex:
...
Marguerite:
... What?
Caspar:
(To Ex.) Are you reading Marguerite’s mind right now?
Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
So she, uh...
Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Ava:
Could I have a moment alone with my colleague, please?
Caspar:
Sure.
Ex:
Sure. Can I get you guys anything?
Marguerite:
Could I have nine shots of vodka, please?
Ex:
Sure.
Caspar and ex excuse themselves.
Ava:
It’s so crazy how different these alternate realities are from our own, isn’t it? I wonder if in one of these realities, you actually tell me things.
Marguerite:
I was going to tell you.
Ava:
Uh-huh.
Marguerite:
... And then I didn’t do that.
Ava:
Correct.
Marguerite:
... Married?
Ava:
So while I’m reeling from the fact that you’re sleeping with the dean’s wife, and you’re reeling from the fact that you actually committed to a relationship, can we talk about the other thing?
Marguerite:
There’s another thing?
Ava:
The Big Bounce Theory?
Marguerite:
Oh. Right. I guess I figured it out.
Ava:
You guess?
Marguerite:
Ava, I’ve got a stack of notebooks on my kitchen table that I thought was mostly me riffing. But apparently I nailed it.
Ava:
You didn’t think you might be onto something?
Marguerite:
Of course, I didn’t. I had little monsters doodled in the margins, I didn’t think I was about to blow the doors off of astrophysics... What about you, What is this point of null entropy thing?
Ava:
A diner, apparently.
Marguerite:
Huh... Look at us.
Ava:
Eat our dust, Vera Rubin.
Marguerite:
So...
Ava:
So... Motorboat.
Marguerite:
Right. How do we do that?
Ava:
I’ve got some ideas.
Marguerite:
Thank God.
We move back to krok’s castle. Jezinka zips back and forth working on Ava’s project.
Ava:
Why the keyboard? I’m sure you could’ve invented a better way to communicate.
Jezinka:
The sound of the keys is comforting. In addition, speech holds too many variables. The meaning of a word can change with tone and inflection. I cannot understand it. With the keyboard I cannot be misunderstood.
Ava:
I see... Jezinka, you said that this weapon is powered with “new energy”?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
By harvesting quantum vacuum fluctuations?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
Do you know what that is?
Jezinka:
Energy generated spontaneously in a void.
Ava:
Yes. Even in the widest voids in the universe, there’s activity. Energy spontaneously bubbles up and dissipates again in the blink of an eye... That energy isn’t supposed to be harvested, Jezinka. That energy is supposed to be allowed to return to nothing again... I don’t know what happens if that new energy is unleashed into the universe. There might be serious ramifications.
Jezinka:
There is a relationship between the proposed targets and the given energy in the universe. It appears immune to influence. I theorized that new energy introduced into the universe would be an effective agent against the proposed targets. My theory was correct.
Ava:
There are some things that you just don’t fuck with, Jezinka.
Jezinka:
If something can be made, there is a compulsion to make it.
Ava:
I understand that compulsion.
Jezinka:
You have asked me to add a data delivery subroutine to my weapon. I am now adding it. I am compelled to.
Ava:
I know.
Jezinka:
If a thing can be made, I am compelled to make this thing. Are you saying that there are things that should not be made?
Ava:
Yes, I am.
Jezinka:
How do you know which things should be made and which things shouldn’t?
Ava:
You’ve made a very destructive weapon. Do you understand how that could be a bad thing?
Jezinka:
Destruction is everywhere. The weapon is only a small part of that. Why is the destruction created by the weapon different from the destruction that occurs due to other sources?
Ava:
Because you’re choosing to make it. Choosing to make a destructive weapon is not the same as a solar flare wiping out your planet.
Jezinka:
But I make things.
Ava:
Make other things.
Jezinka:
When I am asked to make things, I must know if they can be made.
Ava:
I know... I understand this feeling too, I... I get it.
Jezinka:
I become disturbed if I cannot know.
Ava:
I know.
Jezinka:
Where does this feeling come from?
Ava:
...I don’t know... The target you are trying to destroy, there are people who live there. Do you understand that you’ll destroy them too?
Jezinka:
They have been asked to leave.
Ava:
They’re still there.
Jezinka:
Why will they not leave a place that is marked for destruction?
Ava:
Why won’t you choose to not destroy it?
Jezinka:
To vacate the target is a simple choice.
Ava:
Can you understand what it’s like for them?
Jezinka:
I cannot.
Jezinka continues her work.
Ava:
Right. Empathy’s not really your thing, is it?
An alarm starts to sound at jezinka’s terminal. Jezinka rushes to attend to it.
Ava:
What is that?... Jezinka?
Jezinka:
Target has been detected. Quadrant 3.
Ava:
Shit.
Jezinka:
Beginning targeting sequence.
Ava:
Shit... How long does the targeting sequence take?
Jezinka:
Unclear. This will be the alpha test of the targeting procedure.
Ava:
Any chance it takes more than twelve hours?
Jezinka:
Unlikely.
Ava:
... Shit.
We move to a forest in northern california. Philomena’s plane does a vertical landing in the middle of the forest. The door opens and the stairs deploy from the side of the plane.
Caspar:
Okay, here we are.
Philomena:
There’s nothing here.
Ava:
Where are we?
Caspar:
Humboldt County.
Marguerite:
What are we doing here?
Caspar:
We need somebody to design the motorboat right?
Philomena:
You’re sure this is the guy?
Caspar:
Well, you wanted an unconventional choice for an engineer. This is definitely the guy.
Philomena:
Why have I never heard of him?
Caspar:
You don’t want a guy you’ve heard of. You want a guy you’ve never heard of.
Philomena:
Do you have any idea how complex this project is going to be?
Caspar:
You’ve got to trust me. He’s the right guy.
Ava:
I don’t like nature.
Marguerite:
I don’t like leaving the plane. We like the plane.
Caspar:
Trust me!
Caspar walks closer to the treeline.
Caspar:
Leif?! Leif, are you out there?! I know you saw the plane land, man, c’mon.
Marguerite:
In his defense, this is exactly where I imagine engineers living.
Ex:
He’s here, just give him a minute.
Caspar:
Leif, you don’t know me, but I swear to God you really want to talk to me. C’mon, man... Okay, I’m going to go a little deeper into the woods.
Marguerite:
Do you need breadcrumbs?
Ava:
A ball of twine?
Caspar:
I’m fine.
Ava:
I never knew my father, but I don’t imagine he would go through this much trouble to get back to me.
Marguerite:
My dad would if it was an excuse to use the RV.
Ex:
I mean, since it’s just us girls, he’s got all sorts of reasons to get back there.
Ava:
Like what?
Ex:
I probably shouldn’t say.
Philomena:
“Ava gets this look in her eyes when she’s suddenly not bored anymore.” He said that to me on the plane.
Marguerite:
Hello.
Ava:
What does that mean?
Philomena:
You don’t know what that means?
Ava:
No.
Philomena:
Anybody what to help her out?
Marguerite:
You’ll have to forgive her, Philomena, she doesn’t yet understand human beings.
Ex:
Girl, me too.
Marguerite:
Especially the male ones.
Ava:
Neither do you, dude.
Marguerite:
They may not be my thing, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t left a trail of broken man-hearts behind me.
Philomena:
You don’t know what that means, when a man notices something like that about you?
Ava:
I’ve been focusing on other things.
Marguerite:
He hasn’t.
Philomena:
Did you guys have to use those Cray C90s in college?
Marguerite:
Oh yeah, I remember those.
Ava:
We called ours “Mick and Jagger.”
Marguerite:
Ours was “Dances with Burritos.”
Ex:
What is it?
Philomena:
You load your data into this huge machine and you wait for hours to hear back if your numbers are all wrong and you just wasted the last six months of your life. I mention this in passing on date number two with the other Caspar. He somehow makes it to date number three, and he brings me a jigsaw puzzle so I’ll have something to do while I wait for my data to come back.
Marguerite:
That’s not bad.
Ava:
Isn’t that kind of creepy, though?
Philomena:
It can be. It’s a fine line.
Ava:
You’re saying...
Marguerite:
Stand back, she’s starting to get it.
Ava:
I’m uncomfortable.
Caspar:
(In past the treeline.) Goddamn it!
Ex:
Uh oh.
Philomena:
What happened?
Marguerite:
Should’ve brought breadcrumbs.
Ex:
I should go check.
Ex teleports into the forest and materializes in front of caspar. He is trapped inside a shell of hardened foam.
Caspar:
Get me out of this!
Ex:
What the fuck, dude.
Caspar:
I’ve been foamed.
Ex:
What happened?
Caspar:
I was sprayed by some kind of foam and it instantly hardened around me and now I’m trapped in some sort of silicone chocolate sundae.
Ex:
Gee, I wonder who’s responsible for this?
Caspar:
Would you get me out of this, please?
Ex:
Hold still.
Marguerite:
What the fuck?
Ava:
You look like Grimace.
Philomena:
What is this?
Caspar:
Just another one of his goddamn things that he goddamn makes.
Ex tears open the hardened foam.
Ex:
There. Be free.
Caspar:
It’s all over my damn clothes. Leif?! Leif, get out here, man. Come on.
Off Grid Leif:
(From behind some trees.) I’ve got more where that came from.
Caspar:
Leif, no one knows that better than me. Come out here.
Off Grid Leif:
Who are you?
Caspar:
I’m Caspar, we need your help.
Ex:
We have to make a motorboat.
Off Grid Leif emerges from the trees.
Off Grid Leif:
A what?
Ex:
Wow.
Caspar:
That is an amazing beard.
Ex:
He really went full nordic fisherman.
Off Grid Leif:
Philomena Scott?
Philomena:
Hi.
Off Grid Leif:
What the fuck is going on?
Ava:
This’ll be fun to watch.
Marguerite:
Yeah, this was us twenty-four hours ago.
Ava:
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Caspar:
Okay... Okay let me explain... I’m really getting “explaining everything fatigue,” how about you?
Ex:
Kind of.
Caspar:
You want to just do the thing?
Ex:
Okay.
Caspar:
One moment, Leif.
Ex vanishes.
Off Grid Leif:
Uhh....
Caspar:
She’ll just be a second... Really nice up here aside from the foam... How are the winters? A lot of snow?
Off Grid Leif:
Where the fuck did she go?
Caspar:
Y’all, we should stand back, Ex is really swinging for the fences on this one.
Philomena:
Swinging for the fences how?
Ex reappears sitting atop the nancy sinatra. The steel hull thuds onto the ground and echoes for miles.
Off Grid Leif:
Holy shit!
Ex:
Oh my God, I did it!
Ava:
Whoa.
Marguerite:
Motherfucker.
Caspar:
You did it!
Ex:
That was fun!
Caspar:
Next time? Dodger Stadium.
Off Grid Leif:
What the fuck is that?
Caspar:
Leif. This is the Nancy Sinatra.
Off Grid Leif:
What is it?
Caspar:
It’s your ship.
Off Grid Leif:
... What?
We move back to the mucklewains. They are wandering aimlessly through cryptessia with david.
Effie:
There, right here. Go through that gateway there.
Zebulon:
Here I go, dear.
The ship ducks into a warp tunnel.
David:
... Soooooooo, what are we doing?
Effie:
Just having a look see.
David:
A look see at what, Effie?
Effie:
Having a look see.
David:
Okay... I was just thinking, there’s a war on.
Effie:
Never mind that now.
David:
Never mind the war.
Effie:
David.
Zebulon:
Bit of patience, David.
David:
Uh huh...
Effie:
This feels like the right track.
David:
See the key to having patience is knowing what one is being patient for.
Effie:
I’ve got a feeling, is all.
David:
A feeling.
Effie:
Yes, David. A feeling.
David:
Okay... What does this feeling feel like, exactly?
Effie:
I’ve got a feeling in my knees.
David:
In your knees.
Effie:
Yes.
David:
Your robotic knees.
Zebulon:
Oh dear.
Effie:
Well they’re the only knees I have at the moment, aren’t they?
David:
Have you considered an oil can?
Effie:
Have you considered me tanning your backside?
Zebulon:
Anyone for a nice game of checkers?
David:
Is this how it usually works, Zebulon? Effie gets a feeling and everybody takes off in a spaceship?
Zebulon:
Generally speaking, that is how we comport ourselves, David.
David:
Okay... Well, this is a weird one but it does get me out of orientation duty... Think we’ll be back for karaoke tonight?
Effie:
I’m sure I don’t know, David.
David:
... You slayed Cotton Eyed Joe the other night.
Effie:
... I do like that Cotton Eyed Joe.
David:
It’s important to do things like that, you know... Really takes the edge off in a time of war.
Effie:
David... I do realize that sojourns such as these make me seem a few bristles short of a broom. But just as it’s important to sing a song or two with one’s compatriots, it is also important to listen to one’s knees from time to time.
Zebulon:
Stepping out of our routines creates opportunities for the angels, David.
David:
Okay, fine. Let’s follow some knees, y’all.
The ship exits the warp tunnel.
Zebulon:
We have emerged.
Effie:
Yes... Alright... Let’s drop anchor right here, husband.
Zebulon:
Slowing to a crawl.
David:
What now?
Effie:
We’re going to sit ourselves down and wait.
David:
Fantastic... Anyone want to play “I spy”?
Effie:
David.
We move back to the woods. In Leif’s house there is a spirited discussion going on between ava, leif, marguerite, and philomena. Ex and caspar are outside. Caspar is grilling hot dogs.
Off Grid Leif:
There’s no material in existence that can protect the human mind from the rigors of interdimensional travel!
Ava:
No duh, dude, that’s why we have to think about it in another way!
Off Grid Leif:
What other way!
Marguerite:
It needs to make it’s own reality.
Philomena:
Adaptive crystalline can do that if it’s constructed correctly.
Off Grid Leif:
I understand the concept, but there’s no way to build that!
Philomena:
This is going nowhere again.
Caspar:
This is good. This feels like home.
Ex:
Caspar, it’s been three days. Why are humans so slow?
Caspar:
Hey. You love this. You love humans.
Ex:
Do I?
Caspar:
Yes. You love traveling naturally through the time stream.
Ex:
I don’t know about that.
Caspar:
You’re tubing right now. You’re in an inner-tube floating down a lazy river. I’m making hot dogs, you’re in an inner-tube, all we need is a tire swing and a twelve pack of Natural Light and we’re in business.
Ex:
Have you noticed how your attitude changes when you’re around her?
Caspar:
What are you talking about?
Ex:
It does.
Caspar:
That’s not true.
Ex:
You’re a little fuzzier than you usually are.
Caspar:
Fuzzier?
Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m grilling hot dogs. I’m never happier than when I’m grilling hot dogs. You know this about me, by the way, because you can read my mind.
Ex:
I’m trying not to do that right now. I’m trying to keep us on a level playing field.
Caspar:
A level playing field.
Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
You just Criss Angel-ed a spaceship into the forest. We’re never going to be on a level playing field.
Ex:
But I’m trying, that’s the important part.
Caspar:
And so are the people inside the house. So, just hang out in your inner-tube for a while, okay?
Ex:
Okay.
Philomena walks out of the house.
Philomena:
We’re breaking for the night.
Caspar:
Again?
Philomena:
Again.
Caspar:
Are you getting anywhere in there?
Philomena:
We are.
Caspar:
It doesn’t sound like you’re getting anywhere.
Philomena:
I know it doesn’t sound like it, but we are.
Caspar:
You’re just yelling at each other.
Philomena:
This is how it works. Researchers pull one way, engineers pull the other way, and the more they pull, the more they find a wide enough window of opportunity that they can both exist in. Leif is trying to pull them from the world of the possible into the world of the probable, that’s all.
Caspar:
I don’t think you know them the way that I do.
Philomena:
And I don’t think you know project management the way that I do, because I am the successful international businesswoman and you are the guy making the hot dogs.
Caspar:
How dare you.
Philomena:
Give me a hot dog.
Caspar makes her a hot dog.
Caspar:
Here.
Philomena:
Thank you. I’ve got about a million text messages to return, I’ll be on the plane.
Ex:
Hi, Mom.
Philomena:
Hello, sweetie.
Philomena heads toward the plane.
Caspar:
... She didn’t have to add that last part about the hot dogs. That was out of bounds.
Ava and MARGUERITE emerge from the house.
Marguerite:
I know everybody’s frustrated, but I’ve never made a thing before and I’m having fun making a thing.
Ava:
We have made exactly zero things so far.
Marguerite:
I know, but it’s still fun.
Caspar:
Good evening, ladies. Another day, another dollar. Who wants a hot dog?
Marguerite:
Yes, please.
Ava:
Do you have hot mustard yet?
Caspar:
We do not have hot mustard yet.
Ava:
What kind of hot dog stand is this?
Caspar:
You know what? The free kind. The out-of-the-kindness-of-my-heart kind of hot dog stand.
Ava:
Fine. Give me the hot dog.
Marguerite:
Ex, we’ve decided to have girls night on the plane. Are you coming?
Ex:
That sounds like fun.
Marguerite:
If Ava gets drunk enough she’ll do her James Chadwick impression.
Ex:
Who’s that?
Ava:
He discovered the Neutron.
Caspar:
Most people do Christopher Walken but whatever.
Marguerite:
Let’s go.
Ex:
Okay, I’ll be right there.
Marguerite:
Thanks, hot dog man.
Caspar:
Please come again, we’re always open.
Ex:
This’ll be fun. I haven’t acted drunk since the Yarg.
Caspar:
Why is she acting weird toward me?
Ex:
Who, Ava?
Caspar:
Yeah, these past few days, she’s been weird.
Ex:
It’s a weird situation.
Caspar:
I know that woman. There are no weird situations for her.
Ex:
It’s just weird, you know... Weird...
Caspar:
... What did you do?
Ex:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
You know what I mean. What did you do?
Ex:
Nothing.
Caspar:
Now who’s the mind reader?
Ex:
It’s not a big deal.
Caspar:
What’s not a big deal, Ex?
Ex:
I... MAY have mentioned something when we first got here about, y’know, the fuzziness.
Caspar:
Why are you twelve years old?
Ex:
I’m not the only one who noticed.
Caspar:
Just the only one who said something out loud.
Ex:
Caspar, I’m going to tell you the thing that I’ve probably told you a million times.
Caspar:
What?
Ex:
Fucking relax.
Ex disappears.
Off Grid Leif:
You ever get used to that?
Caspar:
I’ll let you know. Hot dog?
Off Grid Leif:
Sure.
Caspar makes him a hot dog. Leif sits.
Off Grid Leif:
... Quite a week.
Caspar:
Sure.
Off Grid Leif:
... A space pirate?
Caspar:
Oh yes, oh yes. A pirate, he.
Off Grid Leif:
... I finally had a look at that ship that is, apparently, mine.
Caspar:
How’s it look?
Off Grid Leif:
Pretty impressive. Fusion drive that small with that much output. Did I build that?
Caspar:
I don’t think so. I think you told me that was made on a planet called Trusk.
Off Grid Leif:
Trusk.
Caspar:
Yeah. You have built something like that though. It was a dark matter engine.
Off Grid Leif:
Dark matter?
Caspar:
Yeah, you called it Uncle Rogue.
Off Grid Leif:
Nice... Dark matter.
Caspar:
Dark matter.
Off Grid Leif:
... There’s a lot of stuff in there that... Who’s BertBert?
Caspar:
She’s a friend of yours. She’s from a planet called Sigius. She’s uh... blue.
Off Grid Leif:
Blue.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Off Grid Leif:
... That engine can’t get me to another planet.
Caspar:
There’s a network of warp gates all over the place.
Off Grid Leif:
Wow.
Caspar:
Although... Those gates were built by a race called the Teds, and the Teds don’t like it when Earthlings have breakthrough innovations. And they don’t seem to have stopped Philomena, so... maybe they’re not out there in this universe... Who knows what’s out there.
Off Grid Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
... You know, Leif, Ex is probably going to have to send that ship back to where she found it. There’s another version of you out there that might need it someday.
Off Grid Leif:
Yeah... that’s fine. I already made notes.
Caspar:
... Hey, Leif... Don’t build a spaceship and leave Earth, okay?
Off Grid Leif:
Why?
Caspar:
Just don’t.
Off Grid Leif:
You’re telling me to not do the coolest thing anyone has ever done?
Caspar:
Yes.
Off Grid Leif:
What a shitty thing to tell someone.
Caspar:
... How’d you end up out here?
Off Grid Leif:
I was born here.
Caspar:
You left though. Why’d you come back?
Off Grid Leif:
... Mom passed away... My Dad finally made good on his threats and moved down to Paraguay.
Caspar:
Paraguay?
Off Grid Leif:
I don’t know. He said global collapse was coming and he was going to ride it out in Paraguay. Whatever. Anyway, all this land was here, and I was sick of making toys for rich assholes, so I moved in.
Caspar:
And it’s just been you out here?
Off Grid Leif:
Yeah. About ten years now. It’s not so bad. Nobody messes with you.
Caspar:
Leif... You’re no good on your own, man.
Off Grid Leif:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
You are absolutely no good on your own. You get up to no good at all by yourself.
Off Grid Leif:
That’s not true.
Caspar:
Leif, I haven’t been inside that big workshop of yours over there, but I know for a fact that you’ve got several things in there that you should not, under any circumstances, be building. Right?
Off Grid Leif:
... They’re for self defense.
Caspar:
No they’re not. I don’t even know what they are, and I know they’re not.
Off Grid Leif:
How do you know?
Caspar:
Leif. Do not build a space ship and go to space. Or if you do, build a really big one. One that can be full of people saying “Hey, don’t build that, dude.”... I know you know what I mean... You need people adding layers to your life. You’re Mick Fleetwood, okay? You need the full Fleetwood Mac experience.
Off Grid Leif:
Fleetwood Mac hated each other.
Caspar:
That was cocaine’s fault!
Off Grid Leif:
... Layers.
Caspar:
Layers.
Off Grid Leif:
... Layers.
Caspar:
Yes, layers.
Off Grid Leif:
... Layers.
Caspar:
Why are we still saying layers.
Off Grid Leif:
Layers.
Caspar:
Layers- Oh! You’re doing the thing where you have an idea. Got it. What are you thinking?
Off Grid Leif:
Layers... Go get the girls. I’ve got an idea.
Caspar:
Now we’re talking!
Off Grid Leif:
Caspar.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Off Grid Leif:
... Am I happy?
Caspar:
I mean... Who’s happy, man?... You’re better.
Off Grid Leif:
Okay... Let’s get you home.
Back on the mucklewains’ ship. They are playing a boardgame.
Zebulon:
I have given this much thought. And I now feel that I must speak... As we all know, final judgment waits for us all in that heavenly realm. But we here in this realm of flesh and blood must do our utmost to strive towards a righteous and considered judgment of our peers while we all await the judgment of God. And while I am but a man, it falls to me this day to eek out but a fraction of our Lord’s wisdom. Which is why, after much deliberation, I say unto you... that the heinous murder was perpetrated by one Colonel Mustard, in the dining hall, with the candlestick.
David:
... He’s right.
Effie:
Gol durn.
David:
That’s three in a row.
Zebulon:
May his punishment be tempered with mercy.
David:
Zebulon, you missed your calling. I’m going to get you a magnifying glass and a funny hat.
Effie:
Y’all.
Zebulon:
Well now, David, tell me more about this hat.
Effie:
Y’all.
Zebulon:
What is it, dear?
David:
Effie?
Effie:
... Zebulon, flip us around.
Zebulon:
One moment.
We hear the thrusters of the ship spin it around.
Effie:
There. Right there. Send us in that direction, nice and slow like.
Zebulon:
Very well dear, nice and slow.
The thrusters fire, moving them forward.
David:
Effie, what’s happening?
Effie:
Something’s about to come knocking...
Back in the forest, the “motorboat” is assembling itself.
Leif:
I’m not easily impressed, but this stuff is pretty impressive.
Philomena:
Thank you.
Leif:
It just locks into place. This would take years in a conventional shop.
Philomena:
And it’s just a cocktail of irradiated silicates.
Marguerite:
I don’t understand any of this, but I feel like my contributions were essential.
Philomena:
Your cosmic radiation numbers were very important, Marguerite.
Marguerite:
Gee thanks, boss.
Leif:
Congratulations, Marguerite, you’re an engineer.
Marguerite:
Okay, don’t tell Ava.
Caspar:
Are you having flashbacks to the womb watching this?
Ex:
A little bit, yeah.
Caspar:
You’re going to have a Wonder Woman’s airplane now.
Ex:
I can finally take the kids on a trip.
Caspar:
Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon...
Ex:
... Hey. You know that thing you’re thinking about saying?
Caspar:
Yeah?
Ex:
You should say it.
Caspar:
Really?
Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
It’s not too weird?
Ex:
It’s totally weird, but you should say it.
Caspar:
Okay, here we go.
Caspar walks over to ava.
Caspar:
Hey.
Ava:
Hello.
Caspar:
It’s almost time for me to leave you.
Ava:
I hope we don’t kill you.
Caspar:
Me, too. So, can we have a moment of radical honesty between the two of us?
Ava:
Oh, I bet this will be great.
Caspar:
I would like to make a suggestion.
Ava:
I bet you would.
Caspar:
There’s a gallery opening in Baltimore. I think you should go.
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
A gallery opening-
Ava:
Yeah, I heard you. What are you talking about?
Caspar:
You should go. Art is important.
Ava:
Why?
Caspar:
It’s for Philomena’s son. Philomena’s a friend of yours now, you should go check it out, y’know? Be that supportive person.
Ava:
Uh-huh... Who else is going to be there?
Caspar:
Many people, I’m sure.
Ava:
Anyone else of note that you would like to mention?
Caspar:
Well, I don’t know much about who’s who in the art world-
Ava:
You’re going to be there.
Caspar:
I may be there. It’s possible. I’m supportive, I support people.
Ava:
... Are you trying to set me up... with you?
Caspar:
I don’t think I would frame it in that exact way. I think—
Ava:
No, thank you.
Caspar:
Baltimore’s lovely.
Ava:
No, thank you.
Caspar:
Utopia’s coming, there’s going to be a lot more art out there.
Ava:
You misrepresented yourself to me.
Caspar:
I don’t think that’s true.
Ava:
There was a whole other side to your story that you were not telling me.
Caspar:
Ava, there’s not an etiquette book written that covers appropriate behavior for our specific situation.
Ava:
We don’t have a situation.
Caspar:
You know what I mean... Baltimore. You should think about it.
Ava:
Give me one reason to go that benefits me and not this other version of you?
Caspar:
I think there is one very important thing that the two of you have in common.
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
He also thinks that everything you say is amazing.
Ava:
...
Caspar:
...
Leif:
And we are complete.
Ex:
Caspar, come look!
Caspar:
Okay, here we go, let’s see our... ship...
Philomena:
What do you think?
Caspar:
It’s... it’s a box.
Ex:
It is.
Caspar:
It is a glass box.
Marguerite:
It’s a cube.
Leif:
It’s actually several complex layers of functionality. About 7500 layers, as a matter of fact.
Caspar:
All in the shape of a box.
Marguerite:
Cube.
Leif:
Correct.
Caspar:
Why is it a box?
Leif:
What shape did you want it to be?
Marguerite:
You didn’t think it was going to actually be a motorboat did you?
Ex:
I like it.
Caspar:
I’m literally just getting back into a box.
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
Shouldn’t this, I don’t know, have wings or something?
Leif:
There’s no reason for it to be aerodynamic.
Caspar:
But it would make me feel better.
Leif:
Exactly. Zero reasons.
Caspar:
So, Ex and I just get inside this thing and then...
Philomena:
That’s the idea.
Ex:
What do you think?
Caspar:
... Who’s idea was this?
Ex:
Yours.
Caspar:
Right... Okay... Fuck it... Uh... Listen everybody, I know that none of you know me at all, but... But it’s been great seeing all of you again... Thank you all so much... Ava?
Ava:
... Go get her, Tiger.
Ex:
Here we go.
Caspar:
Okay... Phil... Thank you.
Philomena:
... It’s been illuminating.
Caspar and ex walk inside the cube.
Caspar:
Okay... Okay, this should be okay... Alright, we’re inside, how does it work from here? Do I have to power it up-
The cube disappears.
Leif:
... Liftoff.
Ava:
Cool.
Marguerite:
What a fucking week.
Philomena:
... Alright, everyone. Good work... Let’s take about 48 hours off and come back strong on Monday, alright?
Ava:
Um.
Marguerite:
What?
Leif:
What are you talking about?
Philomena:
You all work for me now.
Ava:
We do?
Marguerite:
What was in that NDA?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Marguerite:
Did she buy us?
Ava:
Maybe?
Leif:
What the hell are you talking about?
Philomena:
We made a lot of breakthroughs this week, Leif. Time to put them to work.
Ava:
What are we doing?
Philomena:
Colonizing the solar system.
Leif:
What?
Ava/Marguerite:
I call Europa.
Marguerite:
Damn.
Ava:
We can share.
Marguerite:
Okay.
Philomena:
Let’s go.
Philomena starts to walk toward the plane.
Leif:
Hey.
Marguerite:
Leif, c’mon!
Leif:
Hey, I’m nobody’s employee!
Philomena:
Suit yourself.
Ava:
More planets for us, I guess.
Leif:
Hey, you guys aren’t going to Mars are you?... Mars sucks, don’t go to Mars.
Marguerite:
Leif, stop being a smart idiot.
Leif:
... Fuck. Okay, give me five minutes.
Philomena:
Two minutes.
We move back to krok’s castle. Jezinka is hard at work trying to target the diner.
Ava:
Jezinka... Jezinka, how can I convince you to not do this?... I know how you feel, if that means anything... I can be... Let’s just call it obsessive. Nothing mattered to me except for the answers that I was looking for. I haven’t cared about much else. I uh... I wouldn’t admit this to anyone else, but I went to Denmark and came all the way back here in search of answers, when maybe I should’ve... I don’t know, maybe I should’ve looked for something else... Again, I’ll only admit this to you, but I think... I think there may be more than one important thing in my life. And maybe I’m not as single-minded as I thought... One of those important things is the thing you’re trying to destroy right now... How do I make you stop? How do I tell you that there’s more to the universe than our obsessions?
An alarm begins to sound on Jezinka’s terminals. Jezinka begins to rush back and fourth checking her instruments.
Ava:
That doesn’t sound good. What’s happening?... Jezinka?
Jezinka:
Target confusion.
Ava:
What?
Jezinka:
The signal is being detected in two distinct locations.
Ava:
Two locations?
Jezinka:
They are on opposite sides of the target environment.
Ava:
Two diners?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
... Somebody’s back... Jezinka, it’s impossible for there to be two diners. The signal is unique.
Jezinka:
Correct.
Ava:
Therefore, it must be a flaw in your targeting matrix.
Jezinka:
This appears to be true.
Ava:
I think the only thing you can do is start from scratch to identify the problem. There may be a fundamental flaw in your calculations.
Jezinka:
I fear you are correct.
Ava:
It’s a shame. You were almost there.
Jezinka:
I will archive this matrix and begin a new file.
Ava:
I think that’s the most responsible thing... Hey before you do, how about we try out my little side project.
Jezinka:
Side project?
Ava:
You were saying you could deliver an audio recording on the back of the energy cascade?
Jezinka:
Yes. Perhaps then this work session will not be devoid of progress.
Ava:
Yes. Consolation prize.
Jezinka:
I will prime the weapon. Please proceed to the data inputs to create audio file.
Ava:
Okay.
Ava crosses to the weapon.
Jezinka:
Begin speaking now.
Ava:
Is this thing on?... Kazi, listen closely... it’s all bullshit...
We move to the silence of deep space in cryptessia. The silence is suddenly shattered by the cube popping into existence.
Caspar:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...
Ex:
We did it.
Caspar:
Did we do it?
Ex:
I think so.
Caspar:
Why are we floating in space?
Ex:
I wasn’t sure where to go.
Caspar:
Okay, I mean I guess I’m not either. Whoa! No gravity! No gravity in the cube!
Ex:
Yeah, I think they may have forgot about that.
Caspar:
How do you forget about gravity!
Ex:
It is kind of important.
Caspar:
How are you standing?!
Ex:
I don’t know.
Caspar:
Well this is fucking great. I’ve got to travel around like a cork in the damn ocean!
Ex:
Grab onto something.
Caspar:
It’s a cube!
The cube is suddenly hit with a searchlight.
Caspar:
What is that? What is that light?
Ex:
It’s a ship.
Caspar:
Shit, are we being abducted?
Ex:
I hope not, for their sake.
David:
(Coming through in the cube.) You know, when you finally got back, I didn’t think you’d be wrapped up in a fun little present.
Caspar:
David!
Effie:
Caspar, what on earth are you doing floating around in that square?
Caspar:
Effie!
Ex:
Hey, you guys!
Zebulon:
Well, I’ll be!
Effie:
Hello, there, darlin. Well this is making much more sense. Was it you that drug him all the way back here?
Ex:
It was. Hi David!
David:
Hi, who are you?
Ex:
You didn’t tell David about me?
Caspar:
Can we deal with that later please? I am upside down!
Zebulon:
Stay where you are, y’all. I’ll bring that odd craft of yours inside our own.
Caspar:
We’ll just be floating here!
David:
I can’t wait to hear this story.
Caspar:
David... I’m back.
David:
... Took you long enough, Dad.
Caspar:
I know!
Kazi:
(In Caspar’s head.) Oh, hello there, Caspar. Welcome back. We have much to discuss.
Caspar:
Oh, fucking great.
The end.