Midnight Burger
Chapter 51: Demon Time
We hear the sound of a massive celebration on sigius. Justin goes live on the undersignal.
Justin:
This is Justin broadcasting on the Undersignal. I am talking to you at the end of a historic day here on Sigius. Midnight Burger has returned to us and the party has been non stop. Midnight Burger’s relationship to this planet is a very important one, and today did nothing but solidify that relationship. As you may know, the planet’s intense efforts to summon the diner to Sigius paid off in a gratifying fashion when we were able to retrieve the mission data from The Vargan, the very first extrasolar mission undertaken by the Original Coalition generations ago.
That wasn’t the only surprise onboard Midnight Burger when it landed. Inside the diner was an entirely different crew than then one we’ve come to know. Two Earthlings and an Urt Sourcer. Now, I can’t tell you much about the Urt, I’m told he was immediately whisked away by diplomatic services and put in contact with his home planet, but I do know that one of the earthlings is a former armed forces pilot and the other is a Barista, an antiquated Earth profession who specializes in making caffeinated beverages.
We begin to hear a countdown.
Justin:
Okay, I’ll have more on all that later, as I’m sure you can hear the countdown has begun. Gloria is now back onboard Midnight Burger and it’s twelve hours are up. It’s hard to say right now how this day has effected everyone here on Sigius, it’s all happening too fast. But I will give you this quote from Owen Saucedo. He’s a scale farmer from the Southern Stills who came all the way to the capital just for this day: “Nothing can change the fact that I’m a Sigian, but I feel like this day made me more Sigian than I was before.”
Here it comes, everyone. Wonder when we’ll see it again?
We hear the air crack and the diner vanish. The crowd goes wild and slowly fades to the echoing halls of krok’s castle. the silence is suddenly shattered by Krok’s thunderous teleportation. Krok and ava walk out into the hall.
Ava:
No party for my arrival?
Krok:
I attempted a party did I not? The first time you arrived?
Ava:
Oh right.
Krok:
Fool me once.
Ava:
I hate parties anyway.
Karl sagan meows angrily.
Ava:
Thanks for letting me bring my cat.
Krok:
It’s important for you to be comfortable. You won’t be leaving again.
Ava:
Okay. Do I get a prison jumpsuit or anything? Ball and chain?
Krok:
You may wear a gorilla suit, it makes no difference to me.
Ava:
Krok. I feel like you’re a little bit mad at me.
Krok:
It is immeasurably difficult to surprise me, Doctor.
Ava:
You must be insufferable on movie night.
Krok:
So you can imagine how shocked I was to see that a beacon was sounding all the way from Earth.
Ava:
And a few hundred years in the past at that.
Krok:
How did you manage to get my attention?
Ava:
Well I had this thing that did this one particular thing but then I thought “hey why don’t I take this thing and do this other thing with it.”
Krok:
That sounds hardly scientific.
Ava:
I’ve decided to abandon science, I’m getting really into crystals lately.
Krok:
How are you here, Doctor?
Ava:
Don’t worry about it, Krok. I’m here because I’m magical. I’m here because I decided to be. What do you want, a bunch of math? You don’t seem like a math guy.
Krok:
You chose to be here?
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
After all that you went through to leave?
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
Why?
Ava:
Maybe I wanted to be here. But nobody forces me to do anything. I left so I could choose to come back.
Krok:
You risked you life for a bit of agency?
Ava:
Honestly, I risked my life because I was curious about what would happen if I risked my life.
Krok:
And if it killed you?
Ava:
Honestly, I was a little curious about that too.
Krok:
... You’re unlike your compatriots.
Ava:
Am I?
Krok:
They appear to be supremely fixated on rather Byzantine concepts of right and wrong. You don’t seem bound by such things.
Ava:
I’m bound by the usual things. Time, gravity, coffee. Can I get some coffee in here, by the way? I’ve been in renaissance Denmark, and Europe without caffeine is a dark, dark place.
Krok:
Of course.
A mystery man drops into the room with coffee.
Ava:
Wow. Look at that. So they just drop out of the sky with whatever I want?
Krok:
Within reason.
Ava:
Got it. Can I get some pool floaties and nine dixie cups, please?
Krok:
Why in the world would you ask for those things?
Ava:
You said within reason.
Krok:
That’s within reason?
Ava:
Depends on the situation.
The mystery man pours the coffee.
Ava:
Thanks, Bosco. You can hold off on the dixie cups and pool floaties, but I will be needing a tailored cigarette or five as soon as humanly possible. Also any clothing that doesn’t involve a goddamn corset, please.
Ava drinks the coffee.
Ava:
Oh, yes... that’ll do just fine.
Krok:
One might feel you’ve returned here simply for the coffee.
Ava:
Well, I certainly wasn’t going to wait a hundred years for Europe to figure it out.
Krok:
... Should I assume your fellow agitators have survived the crossing as well?
Ava:
How would I know?
The entire castle starts to quake. We hear a massive weapon on the roof power up and fire.
Ava:
Problems with the hot water heater? I hear that’s common in old places like this.
Krok:
Speaking of agitators. I have small number in kingdom.
Ava:
So Kazi didn’t obediently slink off to another system, then?
Krok:
She did not. She’s a rebel to the end. She’s assembled an ineffectual little band of merry men and is attempting to fight me from the shadows.
Ava:
Kids, am I right?
Krok:
They’ll be done away with soon enough. It’s a shame. She’s quite brilliant. She would be a treasured asset to my efforts here.
Ava:
Your efforts. I’ve been thinking about your efforts ever since I left.
Krok:
Have you?
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
And?
Ava:
I still think they’re real dumb, Krok.
Krok:
Oh? Enlighten me.
Ava:
Circling back to it: You want to take an entropic universe and turn it into a recursive one. You want to take a universe that constantly careens toward its own ending, and make it last forever.
Krok:
That’s correct.
Ava:
Why, though?
Krok:
Don’t you protect the things you love?
Ava:
No.
Krok:
... No?
Ava:
No.
Krok:
Why?
Ava:
Because you can’t protect anything. Everything dies.
Krok:
In your life, there is nothing you’ve moved to protect?
Ava:
Not that comes to mind.
Krok:
I see... The universe is not the same for me.
Ava:
How so?
Krok:
For one such as you, your life is a game you’ve been placed within. And your life consists of learning the rules of this game as you play it.
Ava:
That’s not bad.
Krok:
The universe is not so rigid for me. It is a thing to be manipulated. And if I can manipulate it, the question then becomes: what is the world I wish to make?
Ava:
Okay... I’m skeptical.
Krok:
I’d expect nothing less. You came all the way back here to tell me that?
Ava:
No.
Krok:
Then why?
Ava:
... Secrets of the universe, Krok.
Krok:
What of them?
Ava:
You have them. Gimmie.
Krok:
Hm... dinner’s at seven.
Krok walks off.
Ava:
Okay. I’d like chicken nuggets please. The ones shaped like little dinosaurs.
Krok:
Whatever you like.
Ava:
Excellent... Karl?... Goddamn it, where did you go?
We move to the diner traveling though space/time. On the roof, Voon reviews a message from the URT homrworld.
Urt Prime Curator:
Greetings, Sourcer. Your data has been logged and is currently under review. Please rest assured that your endeavors will greatly enrich ours. I have been informed that you have not had interaction with the home world since being assigned to your terminal mission. I wish to expand upon your understanding.
We hear the wheelchair lift being activated.
Phil:
(From the ground floor.) Coming up!
Urt High Curator:
As you are aware, there is no reassignment from a terminal mission. It is meant to be a mission that continues throughout your entire lifespan. Your terminal mission distinguishes itself from others in that it is classified 0.3. There are only three Sourcers in our current temporal locus to have been assigned to a Zero Terminal Mission. Please be aware of your importance to your planet and our mission. Knowledge above all.
Phil:
Voon, how’re you doing?
Voon:
Good evening, Captain.
Phil:
Who’s that?
Voon:
I was reviewing a message from the High Curator on Urt.
Phil:
Is that like the president?
Voon:
We do not have a centralized leader as you do on Earth, rather we have three councils: Curation, Invention, and Integration. My immediate council is the council of curation.
Phil:
So, what’s the news?
Voon:
There is less than I was expecting. It appears that the mission I have been tasked with has only been undertaken by two other Urts in our history.
Phil:
That sounds pretty top secret.
Voon:
I had suspected as much.
Phil:
So it’s all about places like the diner?
Voon:
Yes. As I had previously surmised, there is an elusive relationship between my planet and places such as Midnight Burger, but that relationship is unknown. There was an Urt presence here at the diner before my arrival, as indicated by the Urt door in the deep freeze. And according to Fiona, there are many places like the diner throughout existence. But we have yet to encounter another, so it has been difficult to develop a theory. Now, however, I have received sparse accounts from my home world. Let me show you. Em, display new packet imagery, media only.
Em floats over to voon and displays holographic images.
Voon:
As you can see, there have been reports from others with my same assignment. These are dispatches from other places like the diner. We have here what appears to be a designated stop for rail guided locomotion.
Phil:
That’s a train station.
Voon:
Also an establishment which appears to belong to an Earthling named Tim Horton.
Phil:
Sure.
Voon:
But this one is curious. There appears to be no actual structure involved but there is a refreshment station and small chairs made of plastic material.
Phil:
That’s trà đá (cha da).
Voon:
Please explain.
Phil:
It was after the war. Old folks in Hanoi started selling iced tea on the street; trà đá, iced tea. It turned into the place everybody crossed paths. Guys would park their mopeds there, some old dudes would play a chess game. And it all revolved around some old lady selling iced tea and crackers.
Voon:
These places, they all seem to be wildly different with only core similarities.
Phil:
So, why would your people start building things in these places?
Voon:
Why did I? I built a lift so that you may come to the roof. I imagine they built things because... because it’s what we do. We cannot help ourselves.
Phil:
... You’re looking a little overwhelmed, Voon.
Voon:
There is much to process.
Phil:
Why don’t you come downstairs for a while. Come meet our new passenger. She’s got lots of stories to tell about this place. Maybe it’ll shed some light.
Voon:
Yes, of course.
Downstairs, gloria and Fiona are catching up.
Gloria:
Fiona.
Fiona:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Eight years?
Fiona:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Oh my God.
Fiona:
I would stop noticing for a while. But every year Peter would come along and remind me how much time had passed.
Gloria:
Are you okay?
Fiona:
I’m okay. I went through years wondering what all of it was for but then, every day the doors open and there was a lot to distract me from that feeling. But then the guys came along and... and others and... it kind of became my life. How long was it for you?
Gloria:
Just a few months.
Fiona:
Damn. Time travel.
Gloria:
I’m so sorry.
Fiona:
No, it’s fine, really. I... Everything in my head was a lie, it was something that was put there. But then I spent eight years here and... that was mine. That was eight years of my life I had just lived. I hate to say it, but I needed it. And it was like... it was like it knew that.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Fiona:
Do you know what I mean?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Fiona:
Does it... is the diner alive?
Gloria:
I don’t know. I mean... Every once and a while I feel like it’s watching me. Every once and a while it listens to me. Maybe not alive the way we think of it... but not NOT alive.
Fiona:
I’m so glad you’re back.
Gloria:
Good.
Fiona:
Are you glad you’re back?
Gloria:
Am I?
Fiona:
I saw that guy, what was his name?
Gloria:
Brodie.
Fiona:
That was a pretty steamy goodbye you two had.
Gloria:
Yeah. He’s great. But we’ve both got things to do. He has dreams of repopulating Earth with Scottish people, and I am not the candidate for that particular position.
Fiona:
Speaking of having things to do.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Fiona:
We’re probably heading back to Cryptessia now, aren’t we?
Gloria:
I don’t know. Leif, Caspar, and Ava are still out there somewhere. So we’re either finding them or we’re going back in.
Fiona:
I haven’t been back.
Gloria:
This whole time?
Fiona:
I don’t think so.
Gloria:
I know we’re going back eventually. This thing doesn’t leave unfinished business. When we got on Clementine’s trail, it did not let up until we got her.
Fiona:
What do we do when we land in Cryptessia and there’s a whole army waiting for us?
Gloria:
Improvise?
Fiona:
Yeah... You know the first year here was pretty terrifying. It was just me and Peter and I didn’t know what was coming through the door. Then it started to get easier... some other people showed up and... a couple of years ago I looked around and kind of felt like, “Wait, am I good at this? Am I doing okay?” And then as soon as we started talking about Cryptessia, I went back to year one again.
Gloria:
I know.
Fiona:
I mean, aren’t we essentially trying to fight God? How do we win this exactly?
Gloria:
I don’t know, Fiona. What I do know is that we’re not going to be able to do anything with all of us spread to the four winds. We’ve got to get back together or we’re screwed.
Fiona:
... Okay.
Gloria:
Fiona. Look at you. You’re doing amazing. Most people would’ve hopped off at the first safe place.
Fiona:
Yeah... some people did.
The back door opens.
Phil:
Alright, y’all. I have convinced Voon to come down from the roof.
Fiona:
There you are. Voon are you doing okay?
Voon:
Yes, Fiona. Please forgive my anti-social behavior. I had much data to review from my home world.
Fiona:
Anything fun?
Voon:
It was supplemental for the most part. More information supporting that which we already know.
Fiona:
So, Gloria, Voon is an Urt.
Gloria:
Really?
Fiona:
He came on board a long time ago. He’s been a big help.
Gloria:
You know, I know a guy who’s a big fan of your planet.
Voon:
Yes, Fiona has told me of your colleague’s affection for my planet and our endeavors. It is very complementary.
Gloria:
It’s not just him. Some sort of device from your planet got us out of a very sticky situation one time. Remember I told you about that Brunch planet?
Fiona:
Oh, right.
Voon:
Yes, I have been debriefed about this device. It’s fascinating. A quantum bubble processor. During my enlightenment phase, such things were only a theory.
Gloria:
Damn, I wish Leif was here. I hope all that stuff on the roof has been helpful.
Phil:
It would be, but he won’t touch it.
Gloria:
Why not? Leif used it all the time.
Phil:
Because Voon is a man of principles. Aren’t you, Voon?
Voon:
There are several levels of aggressive security measures in your colleague’s systems, but even if there were not, it is against my core principles. Urts believe technology is an extension of the self. To violate that technology without express, informed consent would be immoral.
Phil:
And he believes it so strongly that he got shrunk down to the size of a ken doll one time.
Gloria:
What?
Voon:
It’s true, I became trapped in a Diminuator.
Gloria:
It shrunk you?
Voon:
The effect was temporary.
Phil:
He rode around on my shoulder for two weeks, like a cockatoo.
Gloria:
Oh my God.
Fiona:
Ok, but, seriously though, Pocket Voon was adorable.
Voon:
The shift in perspective was illuminating. It was how we discovered the inscriptions under the table.
Gloria:
The what?
Fiona:
That’s right! Did you not know about this?
Gloria:
No.
Phil:
It’s table seven, right?
Fiona:
Table seven.
Phil turns over one of the tables to reveal the underside.
Phil:
Check it out.
Fiona:
It looks like, when people decide to leave, they scratch their name into the underside of this table. Look.
Gloria:
... There’s so many names.
Fiona:
Caspar wasn’t the first one here. The Thegronis told me about Marissa and Cody McClure, but look at all of those names.
Gloria:
Lily Starling, Emmett Hale, Fernandez Campbell...
Fiona:
Who knows how many times this place has changed hands.
Gloria:
Wow.
The diner comes to a stop and we hear the faint sounds of a forest outside.
Phil:
Looks like it’s time to go to work.
Fiona:
Peter, zone defense.
Peter:
Zone defense.
Gloria:
Do you guys have any way of knowing where you are?
Fiona:
Yeah, Voon can you do a sky scan?
Voon:
Of course. One moment.
Em hovers through the door and begins scanning the area.
Phil:
Looks like a regular old forest to me.
Gloria:
It looks... I’m going to go out there.
Fiona:
Are you sure?
Gloria:
Yeah, I need to get a closer look.
Fiona:
We’ll come with you.
Everyone walks out into the parking lot. We hear the sound of a forest at night.
Gloria:
Does any of this look familiar to you guys?
Fiona:
It just looks like a forest.
Phil:
Could be anywhere.
Em returns to voon and spits out data at him.
Voon:
It is as we expected. We are on an uncharted planet in the Cryptessia galaxy.
Phil:
Is that where we want to be? Or where we don’t want to be?
Fiona:
Both.
Gloria:
It’s weird. I feel like...
Fiona:
What?
Far off, we hear a familiar call. It is the call of the Murder Beast.
Gloria:
... I’ve been here before.
We move back to krok’s castle. Dinner has been served.
Ava:
More ranch dressing!
A mystery man drops into the room and delivers more ranch dressing to the table.
Ava:
Thanks Bosco... You’re not eating.
Krok:
Must I?
Ava:
Hm... that’s a good question actually. Do you eat?
Krok:
I’ve eaten.
Ava:
But, do you need to? See, these are the questions nobody asks about malevolent space gods. How do they bend the laws of physics? Sure, that’s important, but also, what do they have for breakfast in the morning?
Krok:
Playing into your idea of me as a malevolent space god, when I rise in the morning I should... what? Eat an entire planet? Crack it like an egg?
Ava:
Ooh. Can you do that?
Krok:
The answer is no.
Ava:
No? What kind of malevolent space god can’t crack a planet open?
Krok:
No, I don’t eat breakfast.
Ava:
Well, you should. It’s the most important meal of the day, Krok. Maybe you wouldn’t be so malevolent.
Krok:
Why “malevolent?”
Ava:
Why “malevolent?”
Krok:
Yes.
Ava:
Seriously?
Krok:
Yes.
Ava:
Well... you’ve enslaved trillions of people on hundreds of planets.
Krok:
All in service of something greater.
Ava:
Something greater. I’ll generously call that “debatable.”
Krok:
Then let us debate.
Ava:
Okay, sure.
Krok:
Second part first.
Ava:
Alright.
Krok:
Let us assume for a moment that my cause is just. Assume that my dream of an eternal universe is an enviable goal.
Ava:
If you insist.
Krok:
If the entirety of the universe is at stake, is it not worth sacrificing one small galaxy to save it?
Ava:
The trolley problem, Krok? Seriously?
Krok:
I’m sorry if this debate is beneath you, Doctor. Please indulge me.
Ava:
Okay. Do I sacrifice one galaxy to save the universe?
Krok:
Yes.
Ava:
No.
Krok:
Really?
Ava:
Really.
Krok:
Explain.
Ava:
If it’s meant to die, let it die.
Krok:
Meant to?
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
But you have the power to stop it. Not all have this power, but you have. You must abandon passivity. You are, as a scientist, an observer. You observe and discern the intricacies of the universe. But in this little theoretical universe of ours, you are no longer the observer. You are given the power to change the course of the heavens. You are given the choice, so now you must choose.
Ava:
If it’s meant to die. Let it die.
Krok:
So you watch as everything cascades into nothingness.
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
Why?
Ava:
So I can watch.
Krok:
... Why?
Ava:
... Crocs, I think you and I have the same problem.
Krok:
Have we?
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
And what is that?
Ava:
Baryogenesis.
Krok:
I beg your pardon?
Ava:
You stood there at the beginning of the universe and you watched it take shape, right? That’s what you told us.
Krok:
I was there.
Ava:
That shouldn’t have happened. The beginning of the universe shouldn’t have been the beginning of anything. Matter and antimatter should’ve collided, destroyed each other, and been reduced to photons. The universe should’ve been an ocean of light. No Ava, no Krok, no dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. But instead... for every one billion particles of anti-matter there was one billion and one particles of matter. And from that tiny discrepancy came you and me and the nuggets... Why?
Krok:
... I’m unsure.
Ava:
Right... For someone as powerful as you, that’s really got to burn, right? Most scientists on Earth, they have to sit there on Earth and theorize about black holes and how they work. But you, you can just go there. If you want to observe quantum particles you can just shrink yourself down into a teeny tiny Krok and observe them. The universe is always at your fingertips. But this is one thing you can’t know: why is there something instead of nothing.
Krok:
It is elusive to me. Yes.
Ava:
The only way to learn something like that is to observe the universe as it was, as it has become, and as it will be. And if I’m suddenly Ava the malevolent space god and I start messing with the cosmic plumbing, I’m never going to get the answers I’m looking for. You’re building a casino on top of my excavation site, Krok. You should stop messing with things. How can I observe the universe when you’re out here fucking it up?
Krok:
You’re not upset I’ve enslaved trillions of people, you’re upset that I’m ruining your research.
Ava:
They’re the same thing.
Krok:
And if they weren’t?
Ava:
Krok, I like to save my theoretical energy for my physics, not for trying to figure out why you decided to be the multiverse’s biggest shithead.
Krok laughs.
Ava:
What’s funny?
Krok:
... I’m surrounded by sycophants.
Ava:
Oh. I see. Not a lot of people calling you a shithead?
Krok:
There are not.
Ava:
I’ve got plenty worse I could call you. You want me to go for it?
Krok:
I can use my imagination... Allow me to apologize.
Ava:
Apologize?
Krok:
I’m ruining your life’s work with my actions here.
Ava:
You are.
Krok:
And I apologize... How may I heal this rift between us?
Ava:
... Pencils.
Krok:
.... Writing implements.
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
Very well. Anything else?
Ava:
Yes.
Krok:
Name it.
Ava:
... You were there at the beginning of the universe.
Krok:
I was.
Ava:
Tell me what you saw.
Krok:
... I’ll improve upon that.
Ava:
Oh yeah?
Krok:
I shall take you there.
We move back to the diner. Fiona and peter make their way through the forest, talking to gloria and voon with comms devices.
Fiona:
You called it the “Murder Beast?”
Gloria:
(In Fiona’s ear.) Yeah, but don’t worry.
Fiona:
Don’t worry about the Murder Beast?
Gloria:
It’s fine.
Fiona:
How?
Gloria:
That was just what we called it. It wasn’t the most accurate name in the world.
Fiona:
Good.
Gloria:
That’s just how it looks.
Fiona:
So it looks like a murder beast, but it’s actually what?
Gloria:
We never really found out. It’s kind of dark. It was some creature that was engineered to be... cannibalistic.
Fiona:
Whoa.
Gloria:
Yeah. Apparently it could only eat its own kind. That’s how it had to live.
Fiona:
Gross. When was this?
Gloria:
It was my first shift.
Fiona:
Ever?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Fiona:
What did you do?
Gloria:
I, uh... I gave it a cup of coffee.
Fiona:
You did?
Gloria:
I didn’t know what else to do. It eventually left after that.
Fiona:
Okay. Why are we looking for it?
Gloria:
I, uh... I don’t know. My heart really went out to it. I want to see if it’s okay.
Fiona:
Wait... so your very first shift was here? In Cryptessia?
Gloria:
Shit, I didn’t even think about that. We had no way of knowing at the time. It was a long time ago.
Fiona:
Yeah but, Gloria, you guys could’ve been here yesterday.
Gloria:
Shit, that’s right. Fucking time travel.
Fiona:
Right? Phil, are you seeing anything?
Phil:
(In Fiona’s ear.) I’m up on the roof and I’m not seeing anything. What exactly is the plan here, y’all?
Gloria:
Yeah, I don’t really know.
Voon:
If I may. From a data-driven standpoint it would be useful to me to study an organism after it has encountered the diner. It is rare that we return to a planet other than Thegrion. I would enjoy the opportunity to compare these cases.
Phil:
Alright. Something tells me a “Murder Beast” is not going to be as personable as the Thegronis.
Gloria:
It won’t be, but I promise once you get past the terrifying appearance and the mouth full of teeth, it’s just like a little puppy dog.
Phil:
It’s alright. Not the first time we’ve been on a bug hunt.
Gloria:
A bug hunt?
Fiona:
That’s what Phil calls it every time a shift involves a problematic creature of some kind.
Phil:
Remember the enigmatic cat bird?
Fiona:
Oh god, don’t remind me.
Voon:
We assisted an ornithologist to find a bird whose population had been reduced to one.
Fiona:
In acres of thorny bushes.
Phil:
Fiona came back looking like a scratching post.
Fiona:
And after all that, Phil found it with his goddamn binoculars.
Phil:
Work smart, not hard, y’all.
Gloria:
Goddamn, I miss those days. I’d love to just be looking for someone’s missing bird right now... Wait a minute, did I ever have those days?
Voon:
Gloria, may I ask you a question about your time as the diner’s proprietor?
Gloria:
Yeah, sure.
Voon:
In this particular case, of this unclassified creature, a language barrier was obvious. That aside, how often was a linguistic barrier an issue in the operation of the diner?
Gloria:
Linguistic barrier... um... not very often.
Voon:
Interesting. We have had the same experience.
Gloria:
Isn’t the reason why everyone speaks english because they like our movies or something?
Voon:
It’s true. Due to the Triad’s affinity for your arts and culture, your planet’s dominant language has become a Lingua Franca for its three galaxies. That is, however, three galaxies in a universe with a conservative estimate of two trillion galaxies.
Gloria:
I guess I never had time to think about it. Is it only traveling to places that speak English?
Voon:
It’s unclear. But it is possible that, like any ship, its cargo is considered before charting a course.
Gloria:
Weird.
Voon:
It is truly odd.
Gloria:
Guess your home world gave you a pretty strange gig, didn’t they?
Voon:
In my last debrief with the home world, I was told that only two other Urts in history have been given this assignment.
Gloria:
In history?
Voon:
It is very rare.
Gloria:
I guess they must really trust you.
Voon:
I’m afraid it was not a merit-based assignment. I simply happened to be in the right place at the right time. I had only recently left my enlightenment stage before I encountered the diner at a space station.
Gloria:
I don’t think any of us were ready for it, so don’t feel bad. Except maybe Ava.
Voon:
Ava is the scientist who traveled with you?
Gloria:
Yeah. She had figured out some sort of way to find this place.
Voon:
She had?
Gloria:
Yeah, she’s got all kinds of brains going on in her head.
Voon:
I would very much like to speak with her.
Gloria:
Me too, Voon. Ava’s an acquired taste, but I miss my friends.
Voon:
Her notational diaries were left behind, but they are in an unknown language.
Gloria:
Oh, right. Well, with any luck she can tell you about it herself. Hey, speaking of language, you just reminded me of something. The first time we met this creature there actually wasn’t a language barrier.
Voon:
There wasn’t?
Gloria:
No. It could understand me.
Voon:
The creature could understand your language?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Voon:
Curious.
Fiona:
(Whispering.) Oh, shit...
Phil:
Fiona?
Fiona:
... Something’s coming. Oh, shit.
Phil:
Should we freak out about this or not?
Gloria:
Fiona, you’re going to be fine. Like I said it’s super-terrifying to look at, but it’s not going to hurt you.
Fiona:
Horror movies aren’t going to hurt me either, but I still really freak out.
Phil:
Fiona you ran through fire one time, remember that? Voon, remember when she ran through fire?
Voon:
I had to reconstruct your shoes, Fiona.
Fiona:
This is different. It’s the anticipation. I have time to be scared, so I’m scared.
Phil:
Do you want us to distract you with a brain teaser?
Fiona:
Oh, shut up... Here it comes.
Something emerges from the trees. It is adorable and making squeaking noises.
Fiona:
Oh, my god. What?
Gloria:
Oh!
Voon:
Fiona, what are you seeing?
Fiona:
Who is this little guy?
Gloria:
Let me guess it looks like a cross between a pig and a panda?
Fiona:
It totally does, what is it?
Gloria:
It’s, uh... We just called it the Pig Panda.
Fiona:
Hello, little man. Peter, look at this guy.
We suddenly hear the sound of a weapon targeting Voon and Gloria.
Voon:
... Gloria.
Gloria:
What’s up?
Voon:
Stay completely still. We are being targeted with a weapon.
Gloria:
Oh, shit.
Teta:
(From the trees.) Turn around nice and slow, Urt. And don’t put that floating ball of yours in the air. I’ll shoot it down.
Gloria:
Teta?
Teta:
Gloria?
Fiona:
What?
Gloria:
Hi!
Teta:
Holy shit, you’re alive.
Gloria:
Holy shit, YOU’RE alive.
Phil:
Y’all, what’s going on?
Voon:
We have a visitor.
Fiona:
Who?
Gloria:
It’s Teta!
Fiona:
... Oh.
We move back to krok’s castle. We hear the sound of a door opening to a cavernous chamber.
Krok:
Here it is.
Ava:
Are there any small rooms in this castle?
Krok:
There are not.
Ava:
What is this place?
Krok:
Think of it as an observatory. But rather than remaining fixed on the ground, it will take you wherever you would like to go. From here you may observe any point in all of existence, at any point in time.
Ava:
That’s impressive.
Krok:
Thank you.
Ava:
You built this?
Krok:
Of course I built it.
Ava:
Nice work.
Krok:
And where are we off to?
Ava:
Like I said. The beginning.
Krok:
Very well.
The room around them begins to bend and shift. After a large lurch of energy, everything is silent.
Krok:
Observing the beginning is problematic, as you know.
Ava:
This is it?
Krok:
The “Big Bang” as you call it, was not an explosion into space, but an explosion of space itself. Before that, we find ourselves here. Nothing. All of existence compressed to less than the size of an electron. We would observe it, but light does not yet exist. The idea of observation does not yet exist.
Ava:
Nice... this is where you’re from?
Krok:
It is.
Ava:
Without time or space, you were conscious.
Krok:
Yes.
Ava:
What is that like?
Krok:
I couldn’t tell you. Existing without time or space is a concept that cannot be brought into the world.
Ava:
But there you were.
Krok:
Yes.
Ava:
Your entire existence was contained in ten to the negative forty-third seconds.
Krok:
Yes. But without time as a concept, that means nothing. Your people have a name for this.
Ava:
The Planck Epoch. It was a period of time so small you almost can’t measure it.
Krok:
And yet, for me it was an eternity.
Ava:
Keep going.
Everything in the universe goes white hot and molten.
Ava:
Here we go.
Krok:
I don’t have the same words for this as your race. How would you describe what we’re seeing?
Ava:
The universe is expanding and cooling, quarks are binding into protons and neutrons, and then those fuse into the first nuclei. Hydrogen, helium, maybe a little bit of lithium. But the universe is an opaque, blindingly hot plasma. Photons can't travel more than a tiny distance before being absorbed and re-emitted. It looks like I thought it would: the surface of a star in every direction. The temperature is tens of millions of Kelvin. It all happens in a few minutes.
Krok:
And then?
Ava:
Fast forward to about four hundred thousand years.
Krok:
Vey well.
The room shifts and we are in a much quieter era.
Ava:
There it is.
Krok:
What do you see?
Ava:
Recombination. Electrons bond to nuclei, the fog clears, photons are streaming freely. This is the first time the universe could be observed. We’re radiating at a frosty 3,000 Kelvin. Everything is redish-orange. This will cool over billions of years, leaving behind the cosmic microwave background. But first...
Everything goes silent again.
Ava:
We go back to the darkness. For hundreds of millions of years. The Cosmic Dark Ages. The universe would go from a uniform, glowing ember... to absolute blackness in every direction...
We hear points of light begin to flicker on.
Ava:
And then, slowly, individual points of blue-white light flicker on, clustered in filaments and sheets, like a city returning from a blackout.
Krok:
And the rest is fairly predictable. You have now observed what I have observed.
Matter begins to form under Ava’s feet.
Ava:
What’s happening now?
Krok:
You’re observing my first act. As I watched the stars form in the darkness, I tried my hand at it. It was a poor effort. Rather than compressing matter into a star I managed to form a simple rock in the void. It was not as splendid as the stars, but it was mine. I stood upon it as I watched the universe.
Ava:
Lonely Krok, on a rock, looking at the stars.
Krok:
There’s a song in there somewhere.
Ava:
So... you went from being Le Petit Prince standing on a planet, to all of this malevolent space god bullshit.
Krok:
I’m afraid so.
Ava:
How does that happen?
Krok:
I watched the universe create itself. It felt as though it belonged to me. It became something I had to protect from destruction.
Ava:
How can you not see how inevitable that is?
Krok:
You see it as inevitable because of the nature of your existence. You and all the other creatures in the universe, you are born dying. Death is inevitable. For someone like me? Born before time, untouched by time, death seems an inconvenience.
Ava:
An inconvenience baked into every aspect of the universe.
Krok:
Every aspect save my aspect. What is to become of me when the universe fades into oblivion?
Ava:
Jesus Christ. Krok, don’t tell me you’re doing all of this because you’re scared of being alone.
Krok:
I fear nothing.
Ava:
Bullshit.
Krok:
Oh yes?
Ava:
You live in a massive fortress with a huge gun on the top of it. You’re surrounded by an army. You fear nothing?
Krok:
...
Ava:
You know, usually when engineers talk, I don’t listen, because... Well, because who cares? But I was sitting there on the diner and I heard something interesting. Those little time-travel squirt guns you give all your little mystery men? Kind of a weird choice right?
Krok:
They’re very effective.
Ava:
Are they? We’ve offed quite a few of your guys at this point. Something more conventional like your average lazor gun or plasma thingee would actually be a lot more effective against us. But you use the time guns... It’s almost as if, I mean, I’m no engineer, thank God. But it’s almost as if you want your men armed with weapons that work not very well against something that can die... but work very well against something that can’t... Because if something couldn’t die, the best thing you could do would be to fling it to the other side of the multiverse, right?... I’m just spitballing here, I’m no engineer... Thank God.
Krok:
... We have the rest of your life together, doctor. Let’s not waste the connection we’ve already made.
Ava:
... Your scared shitless, aren’t you?
Krok:
Grant me a favor. Stay here for a while. Stay here on this lonely little planet I made for myself all those ages ago, and attempt to see it all through my eyes. I promise it will enlighten you.
Ava:
You promise, huh?
Krok:
I do.
Ava:
... Okay, I’m going to need some more coffee.
Krok:
Whatever you like.
Ava:
... Last chance to level with me, Krok.
Krok:
... I fear nothing.
We hear the sizzle of the grill as We move back to planet straightforward. Everyone else is back at the diner with Teta.
Teta:
So, this planet’s listed as having humans on it, but we can’t see anything from long range scans. So, Kazi sent me over here to make sure we weren’t missing anything. I’ve been humping my ass through the trees for days now and I don’t see anything. I don’t know what the deal is.
Gloria:
So... you guys left and just turned back around and went to war with Krok?
Teta:
Pretty much. I thought it was a stupid move, but it’s actually going okay. We touch down on a planet, drive out whatever unfriendlies are there, take their ships, and then we fix everybody’s brain. Turns out, when you tell earthlings they’ve been duped by the bad guys, a lot of them want to sign up for war. You guys are crazy.
Gloria:
How many planets have you freed?
Teta:
I don’t know. A hundred at this point?
Gloria:
That’s great.
Teta:
So... you’re alive.
Gloria:
I’m alive.
Teta:
Cool. Not sure how that helps us, but... y’know. Welcome back.
Gloria:
Has anyone seen any sign of the others?
Teta:
No, nothing. Honestly, I figured you guys were dead. I thought we were holding out hope just to make David feel better.
Gloria:
How is David?
Teta:
Good. His aim’s getting better.
Gloria:
I mean how is he emotionally?
Teta:
Oh, I have no idea. Where’s that sandwich?!
Fiona:
(From the kitchen.) Almost ready!
Teta:
This place looks different.
Gloria:
Yeah, Fiona’s made some changes. Used to be the smell of tacos and now it’s the smell of Fiona’s grilled cheese sandwiches.
Voon:
Excuse me?
Teta:
What’s up?
Voon:
May I scan your person for relevant technologies.
Teta:
Yeah, fine. Don’t touch my gun.
Voon:
Of course.
Teta:
Friggin Urts, they’re always scanning everything. Where’d he come from?
Gloria:
Fiona picked up some friends along the way. She’s actually been gone a really long time. Apparently, it’s been eight years.
Teta:
Eight years, Jesus.
Gloria:
She kept it running, though.
Teta:
Yeah, she’s a trooper. Fiona, how’s your head?!
Fiona:
(From the kitchen.) Um, it’s fine. Thank you for asking.
Teta:
And there’s a guy on the roof?
Gloria:
Yes, that’s Phil. Hang on... Hey, Phil, are you seeing anything up there?
Phil:
(In Gloria’s ear.) No, I’m not seeing anything.
Gloria:
Okay. Fiona’s making sandwiches, do you want to come down?
Phil:
Be right there.
Gloria:
So, what is Kazi’s plan exactly? Is she really trying to take down Krok?
Teta:
Oh yeah. She is pissed. She’d never admit it, but she spent most of her life studying the guy. She really admired him. Now it turns out he’s King Shithead. She’s either going to kill him, or he’s going to kill her.
Gloria:
Can she really piece together enough of an army to do that?
Teta:
I don’t know. The thing with guerilla warfare, as soon as you get up enough troop density, you’re facing a pretty big reaction from the powers that be. That’s coming anytime now from Krok. We’ll see if we can survive that. I was just about to head back to it when you guys showed up.
Gloria:
Hey, when you were out there in the forest, did you see anything?
Teta:
There’s no humans out there.
Gloria:
Anything else?
Teta:
Like what?
Gloria:
Like a... well, like a really gross looking thing with a big mouth full of teeth.
Teta:
Oh yeah. I saw one of those.
Gloria:
You did?
Teta:
Yeah, gnarly looking.
Gloria:
Do you think you can find it again?
Teta:
Probably, its tracks are all over the place.
Gloria:
Okay. I need a favor before you go.
Teta:
What’s up?
Back in the kitchen, phil comes through the back door.
Phil:
No monsters yet.
Fiona:
Okay.
Phil:
Need any help?
Fiona:
No.
Phil:
Everything okay?
Fiona:
Uh huh.
Phil:
... So, we’ve been working together for a while.
Fiona:
Uh huh.
Phil:
Which means that when something’s wrong I can kinda tell.
Fiona:
It’s fine, it’s fine.
Phil:
It’s fine?
Fiona:
My first crush just walked in the door and it’s fine.
Phil:
First crush?
Fiona:
Yeah.
Phil:
... The huge orange woman with rams horns was your first crush?
Fiona:
It was a long time ago.
Phil:
Okay... aim high.
Fiona:
Aim high? What does that mean, aim high?
Phil:
Fiona you realize that that is far too much woman for you, right?
Fiona:
No, it’s not. Also, it doesn’t matter. Also, mind your business.
Phil:
I know what’s going on.
Fiona:
I know what’s going on.
Phil:
Let me tell you what’s going on.
Fiona:
I’m going to deliberately burn your sandwich.
Phil:
You have been going through, respectfully, a bit of a dry spell.
Fiona:
... I’m not prepared to discuss this with you.
Phil:
A bit of a dry spell.
Fiona:
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a quality woman when I’m going to vanish in twelve hours? We’re a long term relationship people, Phil.
Phil:
A bit of a dry spell.
Fiona:
It’s a historic drought, Phil.
Phil:
And that has been highlighted by the fact that ground zero for your sexual awakening has just walked in the door.
Fiona:
You seem to think that saying this out loud is helping, but it is not helping, Phil.
Phil:
We should get this out in the open.
Fiona:
I don’t want it out in the open, I want to lock it away forever and throw it in the ocean.
Voon enters.
Voon:
Hello. Are we once again discussing Fiona’s lack of sexual stimulation?
Phil:
Yep.
Fiona:
Hey. What do you mean once again?
Phil:
It’s come up.
Fiona:
No it hasn’t.
Voon:
It has been a topic of discussion seventeen times in the past thirty days.
Fiona:
Voon. Stop counting everything.
Phil:
Look, I feel like I should apologize at this point, because it doesn’t help that I have been doing very well out there.
Fiona:
Don’t remind me.
Phil:
It doesn’t help that I am the Transdimensional Delivery Man.
Fiona:
How do you just give yourself nicknames?
Phil:
I’ve explained to you why this is.
Fiona:
This is just cruelty now.
Phil:
Why is it, Voon?
Voon:
Because of your levels of “game,” Captain.
Phil:
Game, Fiona. Voon, what is Fiona’s current level of game?
Voon:
Based on your metric, Captain, Fiona currently has a game rating of zero.
Phil:
No game. No game, Fiona.
Fiona:
Can I explain to the two of you what friends are supposed to do?
Phil:
Be honest, I thought.
Voon:
Honesty is an important cornerstone of friendship.
Fiona:
This isn’t honesty. This is you making fun of me.
Phil:
What friends should do is, they should push all the bullshit out of the way and get down to what’s really going on.
Fiona:
That’s what you’re doing?
Phil:
Yes, because what’s really going on has nothing to do with a fine woman in the dining room, or the fact that you can’t get some lately. That’s not what’s really going on... What’s really going on?
Fiona:
... I’m scared.
Phil:
There we go.
Voon:
Can you share your feelings with us, Fiona?
Fiona:
... This is where it all started for me. This galaxy... We’ve been in a lot of scary situations, I know... I haven’t really been able to shake this one. The work’s been able to distract me, but now...
Voon:
Your feelings are real and appropriate, Fiona. We have returned to the epicenter of your trauma. It is not uncommon to feel as though no time has passed, that you are once again a pawn and a victim of malicious actors.
Fiona:
It’s starting to feel that way a little bit.
Voon:
It is at this time, that we ask you to repeat the Captain’s adage.
Fiona:
...“You’ve lost a lot but what have you got?”
Phil:
What have you got?
Fiona:
I have you two.
Phil:
That’s right.
Voon:
It is important to focus on growth and achievements when you feel emotional regression.
Fiona:
... I really love you guys.
Phil:
We know.
Voon:
You have said so twenty three times in the last thirty days.
Teta enters the kitchen.
Teta:
Hey. We’re taking our sandwiches to go. I gotta go wrestle a monster real quick.
Fiona:
Uh... what?
We move back to krok’s castle. Ava is still in the time observatory writing in a book. She suddenly stops.
Ava:
Son of a bitch.
Karl meows from the corner of the room.
Ava:
Oh. Hello there, Karl. Where have you been? Mouse hunting? How are the mice on this planet?... Welcome to the beginning of the universe. What do you think? I mean, it's not exactly the beginning of the universe, but it's close enough. Karl, you're just in time, because I've just had a dramatic revelation. Would you like to hear it?... Okay. Don't freak out, okay?
Our charming host-slash-jailor brought me down here. And he fired up this machine of his, and he showed me the beginning of the universe. From nothingness to now. It's truly amazing to see it. It's how I imagined it. Is there this part of me that wishes there was something I didn't predict? Sure. But it was a hell of a show. One that would have impressed anybody.
But there is this one question that I asked him... and it stuck with me, and it stuck with me, and it stuck with me, and here I am now. I asked him, “Did you build this?” And he said, “of course I built it.” “Why is that sticking with me?” I asked myself. Why is that sticking with me?... And then it came to me. Why did you build this? Why would you have to? You describe yourself as this person who can manipulate the fabric of the universe, and yet you built something.
You see, Karl, we humans, we make tools. And we make tools when we find the limits of our humanity. “I can't reach that thing so I'm going to make a thing so I can reach that thing.” But we're talking about a God here, Karl. We're talking about a guy who can always reach the thing. If he can always reach the thing, WHY did he build a thing?
The thing about science, Karl? Power is never imagined. It's always measured. In humans though, power is almost always imagined.
The school bully strides through the playground, confident, because he's never really challenged. His power is always imagined. It's a hallmark of being a member of this race of demented monkeys that I unfortunately find myself a member of. Power, almost always, is imagined.
What have we seen this guy do, Karl? We've seen him teleport, that's pretty impressive. Have I, in my travels, encountered people who can make things that teleport? Yes. Time travel. Have I seen people build time machines? I fucking live in one, Karl. ... What have we seen this guy do? He's got little minions that chase us all over the multiverse. He's got a big gun on top of his castle. He's got a magical dome that can show me anything I want to see. What have we seen him do?
Karl meows.
Ava:
That's right Karl. We're back to the Catcher in the Rye. The problem with the world?... Fucking phonies.
Outside the dome we hear something twist into being.
Ava:
What was that, Karl?
Ava walks to the other side of the dome and looks.
Ava:
What the hell?... Karl, come here... Am I seeing things, or is that another dome, just like this one?... Who’s in there? Is someone in there? Is this a paradox, am I seeing myself traveling back to the beginning? No, that’s not right... There’s someone in there... Holy shit. Leif?!
We can hear Leif’s voice calling to Ava but we can’t make out what he’s saying.
Ava:
Leif, what the fuck are you doing in there?... Who is that with you?... Karl, what the fuck is happening?... Leif?!... You know what, fuck it, let’s just go with a hail mary pass. Yes, I know it’s a sports analogy!!
Ava scribbles a very large word on her notebook with her pencil.
Ava:
You better be able to understand this, goddamnit.
Ava stands at the edge of the dome with the notebook over her head.
Ava:
Leif. Leif, look at this. Leif, it’s all bullshit! He’s not a God! He’s just a shithead! Look at this and understand it. Come on. Are you reading it... Understand this, you fucking grease monkey!
The new dome vanishes.
Ava:
... And he’s gone... What the fuck was that?
We move back to planet straightforward. Deep in the woods we hear the murder beast walk into a clearing. It screams at the sky as Teta comes leaping out of the bushes.
Teta:
YAAAAAAAA!
Teta jumps on the murder beast and drags it to the ground. the murder beast roars, and teta and the murder beast are in a wrestling match in the dirt.
Gloria:
Careful! Don’t hurt him!
Teta:
Don’t hurt him?! Look at the claws on this fucker!
Fiona:
Oh my God, Teta be careful!!
Phil:
Give him the atomic elbow smash!
Voon:
The creature’s center of gravity is much higher than yours, use that to your advantage!
Teta:
How?!
Voon:
Can you take it off it’s feet?
Phil:
Sweep the leg!!
Fiona:
FYI, “Murder Beast” was a totally appropriate name!
Teta:
Alright buddy, down we go!
Teta and the murder beast topple to the ground.
Teta:
Now what?!
Gloria:
Try and hold him there, just try and hold him still!
Voon:
You should attempt to pin its arms behind it!
Teta:
Alright you fucking monster. OW! Stop biting! Come here! Come here!
The murder beast screams as Teta traps its arms behind it.
Teta:
Yeah, yeah, cry me a river! Now what?
Gloria:
Okay, just hold him there.
Gloria gets down on the ground in front of the flailing murder beast.
Gloria:
Hey. Hey, it’s me. Hey... can you see me? Do you recognize me?
Teta:
He’s digging his damn claws into my leg!
Gloria:
It’s me... It’s Gloria... Do you recognize me?
The murder beast begins to calm down.
Gloria:
That’s right, it’s me. I gave you a cup of coffee...
Fiona:
I think it’s working.
Gloria:
We’re not going to hurt you. Okay?... Teta, go ahead and let it go.
Teta:
You sure?
Gloria:
Yeah, I think it’ll be fine.
Teta:
Okay.
Teta lets the murder beast go and it steps away from them.
Gloria:
It’s okay... it’s okay... I remember you can understand me... I’m not sure how well you understand me, but I’m just going to talk... You were the first person I ever met out here... It was a long time ago for me, but I don’t know how long it was for you... I tried to help you, but I don’t know if I did... But I wanted to say that you helped me... After I made you that cup of coffee, I said, “this is a good job.” That was when I knew I was in the right place. That I’d done the right thing... I guess, I just wanted to say thank you.
The murder beast turns away from gloria and starts walking toward fiona.
Fiona:
Oh, god. Uh. Guys. It’s moving toward me. Guys.
Gloria:
It’s okay.
Fiona:
Are we 100% on that?
Phil:
What does it want with you?
Fiona:
I have a sparkling personality.
Voon:
Gloria, you mentioned these creatures were engineered to be cannibalistic?
Gloria:
Yes.
Voon:
But it has encountered the diner. A change agent. Perhaps it has overcome it’s engineering and has graduated to another behavior.
Fiona:
We don’t think that new behavior is eating lesbians do we?
Voon:
Fiona, you have brought the sandwiches with you.
Fiona:
... Oh, my God. Oh, my god, okay.
Fiona presents the grilled cheese sandwiches to the murder beast.
Fiona:
Okay... this one is prosciutto and peppers, this one is green apples-
The murder beast takes all of the sandwiches and puts all of them in its mouth at once.
Fiona:
Alright, all of them, sure.
Gloria:
Amazing.
Phil:
That thing is hungry.
Voon:
It may be deeply malnourished. It’s chosen diet may have changed without it knowing how to feed itself.
The murder beast swallows all of the sandwiches and moves back to fiona.
Fiona:
It’s back on me again.
Teta:
It’s probably still hungry.
Gloria:
Let’s get it back to the diner.
We move back to krok’s castle. Ava sits at the dining room table. Karl continuously scratches and meows at a particular part of the wall.
Ava:
Look at this fucking place, Karl. I should’ve known he was a big fat faker when I saw this castle. This is overcompensating. Look how high the ceilings are. I can’t even see them. Disappointed... Karl. What are you doing? You’re doing the “open the door dance” at a wall. Things don’t open just because you meow at them, okay?
The wall opens and karl runs in.
Ava:
What the fuck? Karl, did you just do magic? Karl?... Secret passage, huh? Okay, fine.
We jump back again to the diner. Fiona has covered the grill with grilled cheese sandwiches. Teta enters with a Bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Teta:
Fiona.
Fiona:
Hey. I think I set a new record for grilled cheese sandwiches. That thing just keeps eating them.
Teta:
Cool, what is this?
Fiona:
Hm? Oh, that’s rubbing alcohol. You know, there wasn’t a first aid kit in here and I thought, you know with all of the trouble we get into-
Teta:
Whatever, you put this on wounds, right?
Fiona:
Uh, yeah but it’s-
Teta:
You need to put some on me.
Fiona:
I... what?
Teta:
That thing scratched the fuck out of me. I fixed my leg but I can’t reach the ones on my back.
Fiona:
...
Teta:
Fiona!
Fiona:
Yeah, yes, uh, right. Isn’t that going to really hurt, Teta?
Teta:
Yeah, it would hurt if I was a big weenie. Do I look like a big weenie to you?
Fiona:
No, no you do not.
Teta:
Okay. Here.
Fiona:
Okay.
Teta:
There’s a huge one between my shoulder blades, I’m gonna take my shirt off.
Fiona:
(To herself.) Jesus Christ, seriously?
Teta:
What?
Fiona:
Nothing... Nothing, let me get a clean towel.
Fiona puts alcohol on a towel and applies it to teta’s wound.
Teta:
... You doing alright, Fiona?
Fiona:
I’m okay.
Teta:
You’re scared.
Fiona:
I’m okay.
Teta:
I can smell it on you.
Fiona:
Really? Is it that bad?
Teta:
No, I mean, it’s a Leharian thing, I can literally smell fear.
Fiona:
Oh... I guess it’s not great being back here in Cryptessia.
Teta:
Sure.
Fiona:
Okay, your done.
Teta:
Alright. I’m going to teach you something.
Fiona:
Teach me?
Teta:
Khaprakcha!
Fiona:
Whoa! What is that?
Teta:
It’s Leharian. Try it.
Fiona:
Kha- Khaprakcha.
Teta:
KhaPRAKcha!
Fiona:
KhaPRAKcha.
Teta:
From deep down, Fiona. KhaPRAKcha!
Fiona:
KhaPRAKcha!
Teta:
Good.
Fiona:
What is it?
Teta:
It’s what a Leharian says to death.
Fiona:
What does it mean?
Teta:
It means, “I fucking dare you.”
Fiona:
KhaPRAKcha.
Teta:
Keep working on it.
Fiona:
... Thanks, Teta.
Teta:
Sandwiches are burning.
Fiona:
Oh shit!
Out in the dining room. Gloria is on the floor and the murder beast is asleep in her lap. Phil and voon approach.
Phil:
How’s handsome?
Gloria:
He fell asleep in my lap and I think I’m stuck here for a while.
Phil:
Looks like he needs it.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Phil:
So, listen. Voon and I have been talking.
Gloria:
What’s up?
Phil:
I think you may have freed him from some pretty terrible behavior, but you may have fucked him up a little in the process.
Gloria:
I was thinking the same thing.
Voon:
The creature has no developed behaviors to feed itself, and it is also in a hostile environment where it will be prayed upon by other creatures like it.
Phil:
I think he’s got to come with us for a while. Until we find a good spot for him.
Gloria:
I’m glad you said it, I was just about to ask you.
Phil:
There’s got to be some place out there for him. We know he loves Fiona’s cooking.
Gloria:
You’ve got a weird life ahead of you, Murder Beast.
Voon:
Gloria, my ability to scan biologics is rudimentary, but I am capable of a general overview. However, due to the creature’s inability to consent to such scans, do you think you would be able to stand in as its ward?
Gloria:
Yeah. I think that’s a good idea, Voon.
Voon:
Scanning.
Em begins to scan the murder beast as fiona and teta come from the kitchen.
Fiona:
Well shit, now I have all these sandwiches.
Phil:
Pass them around, I’ll have one.
Teta:
I’ve got to head back to the fleet. Kazi went and got herself injured, apparently, so I’ve got to get back and whip people into shape. I’ll let them know you’re here, and we’ll figure out where to go from there.
Gloria:
Okay. Teta, I don’t know why the diner brought me here without picking up the others, but I guess we just have to keep going regardless.
Teta:
Don’t worry about it too much. Their pretty smart. They can figure something out. Except for Caspar, that guy’s fucked.
Gloria:
Thank you, Teta.
Teta:
Peace in our time, fuckheads.
Teta walks out.
Voon:
Gloria.
Gloria:
What is it, Voon?
Voon:
... This creature is human.
Gloria:
... What?
Voon:
The data is telling me that this creature is a deeply augmented human.
Fiona:
How is that possible?
Voon:
Many changes have been made, but the base DNA sequence is that of an Earthling.
Phil:
Holy shit.
Gloria:
Oh my god.
Fiona:
It’s just another one of Krok’s experiments.
They listen as the murder beast sleeps.
Voon:
This is a perversion... He must be stopped.
We move to a hidden chamber at the top of krok’s castle. As ava walks in we can hear the massive canon power up and fire an immense energy beam into the sky. In the room, jezinka travels from one side of the room to the other in a floating assistive device. She makes changes to consoles, adjusts panels, and performs other fine tuning.
Ava:
That’s my cat in your lap.
Jezinka’s chair stops and slowly turns to ava. We can hear karl purring.
Jezinka:
( Jezinka doesn’t speak, but instead she types quickly into a keyboard and a robotic voice speaks for her.) I don’t know how to remove it.
Ava:
He doesn’t like being removed.
Jezinka’s chair turns and she goes back to work.
Ava:
... This is a pretty big gun you’ve got here.
Jezinka:
“Gun” is a reductive term.
Ava:
What do you call it?
Jezinka:
A weapon.
Ava:
Okay... Did you make this?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
... Who are you?
Jezinka:
Jezinka.
Ava:
Hello, Jezinka. I’m Ava... I’ve been hearing this thing firing up a lot since I’ve been here. What are you shooting at?
Jezinka:
Targets.
Ava:
What are your targets?
Jezinka:
Irrelevant.
Ava:
Uh, huh... Jezinka, do you make things around here? Other things?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
I see... Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Jezinka stops working.
Jezinka:
There is no man behind a curtain.
Ava:
It’s from a movie. Do you watch movies?
Jezinka:
No.
Ava:
Who are you, Jezinka?
Jezinka:
Please narrow your question.
Ava:
Where are you from?
Jezinka:
Wren.
Ava:
Where is that?
Jezinka:
The Bracken System.
Ava:
And where is the Bracken System?
Jezinka:
The Andromeda Galaxy.
Ava:
You’re far from home.
Jezinka:
This is my home.
Ava:
I see.
Jezinka goes back to work.
Ava:
How did you get here?
Jezinka:
A starship.
Ava:
A starship belonging to who?
Jezinka:
My father.
Ava:
Your father, Krok the Propigator.
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
Fucking family business... Jezinka, do you make all of his technology?
Jezinka:
Yes.
Ava:
Why?
Jezinka stops.
Jezinka:
I make things.
Ava:
Yes. Why?
Jezinka:
I have answered you question.
The canon powers up again and fires.
Ava:
... did you hit it?
Jezinka:
Irrelevant.
Ava:
Isn’t the point of a weapon to hit something with it?
Jezinka:
The targets are provided to me to test the weapon.
Ava:
You’re not trying to destroy the targets with this big weapon?
Jezinka:
The destruction of the targets is not one of the weapon’s intended purposes.
Ava:
I see. What are the intended purposes of the weapon?
Jezinka:
There is one purpose.
Ava:
What is it?
Jezinka stops.
Jezinka:
... To destroy the diner.
The weapon powers up and fires.
The end