Welcome to the Horizon
Part 2.6: Scorpion Bowl
We hear the strange sounds of the inside of trinkett’s head. The sound gets louder and louder and then gives way to the sound of a calm ocean. We hear footsteps on the sand.
Trinkett:
Hello?
Trinkett’s voice seems to echo for miles.
Trinkett:
Whoa.
As trinkett walks along the beach, we see several scenes play out as she passes: her return to hood’s pocket, her encounter at the mushroom house, camping with frank, drinking the space foot.
Trinkett:
Where am I... Hello?
Something shimmers into being nearby.
Trinkett:
Hello?... Hello, is someone there?
Libuza:
... Hello?
Trinkett:
Hello... Where am I?
Libuza:
Where?
Trinkett:
What is this place?
Libuza:
You see a place?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Libuza:
What’s your name?
Trinkett:
Trinkett.
Libuza:
I like that name. I’m Libuza.
Trinkett:
Hello, Libuza... where am I?
Libuza:
Can you tell me what you’re seeing?
Trinkett:
I’m on the shore of an ocean, can you not see it?
Libuza:
I don’t really see things. Can you tell me more?
Trinkett:
Uh... an ocean... it’s dark, like the sun is either about to come up or has just gone down.
Libuza:
That sounds nice.
Trinkett:
Can you tell me what’s happening?
Libuza:
... Where are you from, Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Oregon.
Libuza:
What is that?
Trinkett:
I mean... Earth.
Libuza:
You’re an Earthling?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Libuza:
It’s rare for you to be where you are.
Trinkett:
And where is that?
Libuza:
... I’m not sure how to explain it.
Trinkett:
Give it a shot.
Libuza:
On earth you like to race cars.
Trinkett:
I guess?
Libuza:
When you’re in the car, you look forward at what’s right in front of you as you travel along the road.
Trinkett:
Right.
Libuza:
But now imagine you’re in the middle of the track. You can watch from the outside, seeing the cars trying to navigate the turns.
Trinkett:
Okay. I think I get it.
Libuza:
You’re outside of time and space right now.
Trinkett:
Holy shit... Libuza am I on the astral plane right now?
Libuza:
I’m not sure what Earthlings call it. People where I’m from would call it... I’m sorry it’s been a while since I’ve spoken my native language... The Ushpanad.
Trinkett:
So you’re not... you’re not like a spirit guiding me or something.
Libuza:
No. I’m another mind, like you.
Trinkett:
And we’re meeting here on the Astral plane?
Libuza:
That’s not a bad way of looking at it.
Trinkett:
... As I walked along the beach I could see moments from my life.
Libuza:
Yes. You’re on the outside looking in right now, so you can walk through your past like it’s a museum.
Trinkett:
That’s wild.
Libuza:
It is.
Trinkett:
And if I keep walking along the beach do I see my future?
Libuza:
No, I don’t think so... Every mind sees this place differently. To you it’s the shore of an ocean. The shore is your life from the past to the present. But if you look out onto that dark ocean, that’s the future.
Trinkett:
That looks pretty foreboding.
Libuza:
That’s on purpose. It’s very dangerous to travel into the future.
Trinkett:
Why?
Libuza:
The future has infinite paths. Behind you is your single path. You can get lost very easily.
Trinkett:
... This is a pretty big deal for me, Libuza.
Libuza:
Really?
Trinkett:
Oh, yeah. People like me work our whole lives for a glimpse of a place like this. This is kind of the olympics for me.
Libuza:
Olympics?
Trinkett:
Never mind.
Libuza:
Are you some sort of shaman on Earth?
Trinkett:
Yeah, that’s one way of looking at it.
Libuza:
Can you tell me more about what you see? Before I discovered how to reach this place I used to study people like you.
Trinkett:
Well... I can’t see where the sun is but, there’s this other light too. Far off that way, like a lighthouse.
Libuza:
Tell me what a lighthouse is.
Trinkett:
It’s like a tower on the shore. It shines a light so that ships won’t run aground. But it... I think it’s moving.
Libuza:
It may be another mind like yours.
Trinkett:
It feels familiar, though. I should go there. I should see what it is, right?
Libuza:
Can I give you some advice?
Trinkett:
Sure.
Libuza:
I wouldn’t spend too much time here at first. It’s easy to get lost.
Trinkett:
... Okay.
Libuza:
Speaking of which. I should go.
Trinkett:
Wait, I have so many questions.
Libuza:
I know. Where are you now?
Trinkett:
Right now? I’m sitting on the floor of my shop.
Libuza:
And I’m on a starship. Very far away from you, in a very dangerous place. I have a lot of work to do when I come here.
Trinkett:
What are you doing?
Libuza:
I have to go into the ocean.
Trinkett:
You just told me that was dangerous.
Libuza:
It is. But over time I’ve learned how to navigate it.
Trinkett:
Are you going to be alright?
Libuza:
I will. But don’t worry about me. You should probably head back.
Trinkett:
Any other advice before you go?
Libuza:
I don’t know. Like I said, it’s strange for an Earthling to be here. For now I’d just work on remembering things.
Trinkett:
Remembering things?
Libuza:
Yes. When you get back this will feel like a dream, you’ll have a hard time recalling anything. Try and hold onto as much as you can. Write things down as soon as you wake up.
Trinkett:
Okay. Okay, I will.
Libuza:
It’s nice to meet you, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
You too, Libuza. Be careful.
Libuza:
I will be. Maybe we’ll meet again.
Trinkett:
I hope so.
Libuza walks into the water, out into the tide and disappears. We hear Trinkett’s phone ringing and she suddenly wakes up.
Trinkett:
Whoa.
Trinkett hurries over to her phone and answers.
Trinkett:
Hello.
Eldin:
I hate this goddamn phone so much.
Trinkett:
Hi, Eldin.
Eldin:
Calling to check in. You’ll need to keep an eye on things in town.
Trinkett:
I know.
Eldin:
Let me go over the plan one more time.
Trinkett:
Okay. One second though, I have to write down this crazy dream I just had.
Eldin:
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
We are in Minsky’s command center in Raxius. Minsky walks in with Sluggo and Francis.
Minsky:
Alright, Boys. I think today is the day.
Sluggo:
The day for what, Boss?
Francis:
Please enlighten us.
Minsky:
Are our unfortunate guests here yet?
Sluggo:
They just arrived.
Minsky:
Wonderful.
The door slides open and battlepope and bugaboo walk in.
Bugaboo:
Salutations!
Battlepope:
Our apologies for any tardiness.
Minsky:
Well, well, well, Freezerpop and Jerkychew, welcome back. I trust you’ve gotten all the ice out of your veins?
Battlepope:
It was touch and go for a minute there, I don’t mind saying.
Bugaboo:
We were hard pressed to get warm, standing in a drive plume.
Minsky:
Whatever. Against my protestations our employer has allowed you two to go on a little redemption tour. My vote was to send you back to wherever the hell it was you came from, but the boss’s word is the boss’s word.
Battlepope:
We appreciate the opportunity to put a little shine back on our names.
Bugaboo:
Ain’t no way we’ll be caught unawares again.
Minsky:
Only time will tell.
The door slides open and GeeGaa walks in.
Geegaa:
Morning boss!
Minsky:
Geegaa.
Geegaa:
Oh shit! Rocketpop and Freezerpoo, surprised you guys are showing your faces on Raxius again.
Minsky:
They’ve been given the rare second chance by our employer.
Geegaa:
Congratulations, boys. I’m sure you’ll fuck it up somehow.
Minsky:
That’s the spirit.
Geegaa:
Where do you need me?
Minsky:
I need you on tactical today. Keep an eye on all the feeds.
Geegaa:
Got it.
Battlepope:
If you don’t mind us asking-
Bugaboo:
Seeing as how we’re the low rung on on various poles-
Battlepope:
-To what task are we tilting towards today?
Minsky:
I’m glad you asked. It’s a very important day today, people. Please bring your A game. Today... Someone’s going to try and kill me.
We hear the sound of two hammers RHYTHMICALLY hitting metal.
Leif:
Almost there.
Tavrok:
Three more... now!
We hear the sound of hot metal being plunged into water.
Leif:
Nice!
Tavrok:
Now I reduce the flame and we temper the blade.
Leif:
This shit’s phenomenal, Tavrok. I haven’t gotten back to basics like this in a long time.
Verge:
I’m beginning to understand the Earthling concept of hell.
Leif:
Good morning.
Verge:
Is there some rule that says sword making can’t happen in the afternoon?
Tavrok:
You must work when your arm is the strongest.
Leif:
Tavrok didn’t know what he was sitting on. That meteor shower that almost killed you guys brought in stuff from all over the system. He’s got a pile of ore back there with much better carbon levels than anything on Earth.
Tavrok:
The sky has given me a great gift.
Verge:
Guys, I don’t care. What’s for breakfast?
Tavrok:
I slew a deer with the sunrise.
Leif:
Look at that. I love this guy. He slew a deer with the sunrise.
Verge:
At least the menu’s better out here.
Tavrok:
It hangs on the spit by the wood pile.
Verge:
Thank you. Sorry to disturb your hammering.
Verge walks around the outside of the cabin as deidre calls.
Deidre:
(In Verge’s Tangle.) Good morning.
Verge:
Hey, baby.
Deidre:
How are you holding up out there?
Verge:
Every morning I wake up to them banging on their fucking swords. Seriously, how many swords does one guy need?
Deidre:
How many knives do you have again?
Verge:
Touché.
Deidre:
I miss you.
Verge:
I miss you. This is stupid.
Deidre:
It is stupid, but I get it.
Eldin:
We’ve discussed this about five thousand times, this all for the best.
Deidre:
We can discuss it five thousand and one if you want to.
Eldin:
With either you or Leif being Minsky’s target, it’s important that you be removed from the general populace for the time being. It keeps any prying eyes from seeing you, and it keeps the townspeople from catching a stray plasma blast.
Verge:
I get it, okay? Why do I have to be trapped out here with Leif?
Deidre:
Because I don’t want you to be by yourself.
Verge:
Fine... Fine... When are we making a move on this fucker?
Eldin:
... Tomorrow.
Verge:
Tomorrow?
Eldin:
Yes.
Verge:
Does anyone want to let me in on the plan? What the fuck?
Deidre:
I’m going to hang up and let you two talk. I love you, Verge.
Verge:
I love you, too... Eldin?
Eldin:
... You can’t be a part of the plan.
Verge:
What?
Eldin:
It’s for the best.
Verge:
Says who?
Eldin:
Says me.
Verge:
Who the fuck are you to decide?
Eldin:
I’m the one who can run one thousand simulations per second. I’ve gamed out every possible iteration of this plan.
Verge:
And?
Eldin:
And you being part of the rescue operation puts you at too great a risk.
Verge:
It’s putting everybody at risk, Eldin.
Eldin:
Minsky’s target is either you or Leif. Leif is already remaining there to run tactical operations with me. You should do the same.
Verge:
Everybody’s putting themself in danger and you want me to just sit here?
Eldin:
Yes.
Verge:
No.
Eldin:
Verge.
Verge:
How the fuck did you come to this conclusion?
Eldin:
Honestly, it wasn’t my idea.
Verge:
What?... Deidre.
Eldin:
She’s very concerned for you safety.
Verge:
I’m concerned for her fucking safety!
Eldin:
In what world has you raising your voice done anything to change what I say?
Verge:
I can’t believe this.
Eldin:
She asked me about the possibility of completing this mission without you. I ran thousands of simulations, and I have to say, the prospects look good.
Verge:
How is that possible?
Eldin:
Well, it’s a very complicated calculation. I wouldn’t want to bore you.
Verge:
I’m going to toss you in this fire and never look back.
Eldin:
You’re one of the most dangerous beings in the Triad, Verge. As it turns out the more dangerous people you add to a scenario, the more dangerous that scenario becomes for all parties. So when we have a scenario that only involves a small group of earthlings, the simulations return some very promising data.
Verge:
And you thought this talk of math and simulations was going to make me feel better?
Eldin:
Then how about this: if, heaven fore-fend, something goes wrong, you will be available to pull everyone’s rear end from the fire. Don’t think of yourself as being excluded, just think of yourself as a fire extinguisher in a little glass case.
Verge:
This doesn’t make any sense to me.
Eldin:
Which is why you have me. To make sense of things.
Verge:
... So, she hung up so that you could break the bad news.
Eldin:
Yes. And she and June are pulling up to the cabin right now to apologize.
June:
(From far off.) Hello! We have come to start the party!
Verge:
You better be right about this, Eldin.
Eldin:
Let’s not forget that it was your idea to put us in this situation, Verge. I’m working very hard to avoid total disaster.
Verge:
I still don’t like it.
Eldin:
Well, welcome to the wonderful world of doing the right thing. It’s often painful.
June:
I have brought beers and whiskey. I have also brought whatever these fish are that Frank pulled out of Burnt Lake. Oh, also, Verge, look, I found you a girlfriend!
Deidre:
Hey.
Verge:
Thank you, June.
June:
Leif, how are you liking it out here?
Leif:
It’s pretty great. We’re making a sword.
June:
A SWORD?! Tavrok. YOU?! Making a SWORD?!
Tavrok:
What would you have me do?
June:
I don’t know. You ever just make some knives and forks or something?
Tavrok:
I did so yesterday.
June:
Oh. Well, look at me being an asshole.
Tavrok:
You are perfect.
June:
That’s what I like to hear. Look, I have fish.
Tavrok:
We should salt them.
June:
Okay. Leif, we’re going to go inside and salt the fish, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Leif:
Okay.
Deidre:
Are we in a fight?
Verge:
How do you expect me to feel about this?
Deidre:
I think you should feel like I’m doing what’s best for everyone.
Verge:
Are you?
Deidre:
You can’t step in front of every bullet, Verge. We’re all doing this together.
Verge:
...
Deidre:
Let’s go for a walk... Come on, I hardly ever get out here.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
Hi, Leif! We’re going for a walk.
Leif:
Okay... I will just... stand out here by myself...
Lucian slowly trudges out of the trees chewing on pinecones.
Leif:
Hey, Lucian. Looks like it’s just you and me. What are we doing today?
Eldin:
Leif?
Leif:
Did you find it?
Eldin:
Yes. What the hell were you doing with a shadow server on Carma Carma Camillion?
Leif:
Casinos need massive data storage and they’re always hiding things from the authorities. It’s a great place to hide stuff.
Eldin:
Luckily, Dark Leif felt the same way.
Leif:
Pretty hilarious. This guy runs the whole Triad but he’s still got bug out bags all over the place.
Eldin:
There’s a whole host of horrors on this server. Am I correct in thinking that “ djkdjk” is the protocol you used to disrupt the old ice road?
Leif:
Yeah, that’s the one.
Eldin:
Is this everything? Your entire bag of tricks?
Leif:
There’s one missing. The Ted Slayer is still in a lock box at Red’s Rectangle. You can’t access it remotely.
Eldin:
Seems an odd place for it.
Leif:
There’s no good place for it. It used to be on a networked server, but that made me nervous.
Eldin:
You could’ve just destroyed it.
Leif:
Yeah, I know. Something told me to hang onto it.
Eldin:
Have you ever made anything that doesn’t destroy things?
Leif:
Can you call me a piece of shit some other time, please?
Eldin:
Any time you like.
Leif:
You’ve got it all downloaded to your server?
Eldin:
I do.
Leif:
Okay... then we’re ready.
Eldin:
Tomorrow, then.
Leif:
... Okay.
We move back to Minsky’s command center.
Minsky:
Alright, everyone, here’s how this is going to work. We are currently one floor above The Mermaid of the Dark Seas, what has to be the worst casino on Rax Prime. It is a total disaster down on the casino floor, but luckily for us the building could not be more poorly designed.
Geegaa:
Why is that good for us?
Francis:
Because there’s no way to get to us without going through the casino.
Minsky:
Very good, Francis. Gold star. If you want to get to me, you will have to through the casino. And Geegaa is now hacked into their security feeds, aren’t you, Geegaa?
Geegaa:
Yeah. They even have video feeds in the bathrooms, which is... real gross, boss.
Minsky:
It would be against the law if there were things like laws around here. But all of this is good for us.
Sluggo:
The more video feeds, the better?
Minsky:
The more video feeds, the better. Thank you, Sluggo.
Battlepope:
So, your intention is to get wind of Verge before they’ve made it to you?
Bugaboo:
In the hopes that will spring this trap of yours more readily?
Minsky:
That is correct. I made a big show with one of Verge’s associates, based on the assumption that Verge would then come after me. I am the bait in the trap.
Battlepope:
Seems as though that’s awful dangerous for yourself there, boss.
Bugaboo:
Ain’t we better served getting Verge where they live? If we know where they’re at, why not scoop them up where they reside?
Minsky:
And how well did that go for you two? I seem to recall that ended up with the two of you on the space junk highway.
Battlepope:
I’m not making no excuses for our various failures, but our endeavors would have been a success, were it not for...
Bugaboo:
For all the failure.
Battlepope:
Indeed. Seems to me if we omit the failures, we come up with a spot free record.
Minsky:
What the fuck are you talking about?
Geegaa:
You guys sure you’re fully thawed? I’m sensing a little ice on the brain.
Minsky:
Never go hunting for a serpent in the serpent’s den, boys. Always find a way to flush it out. I’m the only one that Verge is going to make a special trip for. They do despise me to an unhealthy degree. It’s hard to get a Vapian to make an unsafe move. The bait for this trap needs to be exceptional. And I’m nothing if not exceptional.
Geegaa:
So we just sit here and wait?
Minsky:
The first sign of Verge and it will be up to all of you to keep me from getting dead. Don’t fuck it up, everyone.
Battlepope:
Seein’ as how Vapians are so good at avoiding our seeing them.
Bugaboo:
Ain’t they going to just figure a way past your watchful eyes?
Minsky:
They absolutely are. I predict Verge will attempt a distraction. They will orchestrate some sort of incident in the casino meant to point our eyes in a particular direction and slip by unnoticed as we’re looking the other way.
Sluggo:
How do we defend against that?
Minsky:
By having an ace up our sleeve. Everybody gather around Geegaa and the video feeds.
They all move to the video monitors.
Minsky:
As you can see here, we have eyes on every inch of the casino. Look at that mass of people. Now, Geegaa, please press that little red button.
Geegaa:
Okay...
Geegaa presses a button and the video feed changes.
Geegaa:
Whoa.
Francis:
What’s all this, boss?
Minsky:
That, my friends, is experimental surveillance technology that we managed to get our hands on... It’s called a DNA Dog. The video feed is now able to highlight the specific race of everyone it sets its eyes on. Now, all we have to do is set an alarm for Vapian DNA and wait.
Sluggo:
What if another Vapian shows up?
Geegaa:
There are hardly any Vapians left, the chances of two showing up in the same place is almost zero.
Minsky:
Verge will enter the casino, thinking they’re invisible. But they will stand out like a house fire.
Battlepope:
Simple as cake.
Bugaboo:
Easy as pie.
Geegaa:
Have you guys ever made a pie? It’s actually really hard.
Minsky:
Geegaa, keep an eye on the monitors. Let us know if you see anything odd. Everyone else... smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.
Francis:
Anyone want to do a puzzle?!
Battlepope:
Pardon us, Boss.
Minsky:
What is it, boys?
Bugaboo:
Seeing as how we’re on a bit of a break.
Battlepope:
We were wanting to inquire as to the particular curiosities of our current sojourn.
Bugaboo:
This here will be our second go round on this here planet trying to reel in this fish.
Battlepope:
We found ourselves out in the drink for it.
Bugaboo:
And seein’ as how our big boss man has got himself a whole mess of land to keep a handle on-
Battlepope:
-We were wondering as to why this particular fish in this particular river.
Bugaboo:
Awful lot of work put into this here operation.
Battlepope:
And to what end, we are prone to wonder.
Minsky:
Jesus, that took forever. Can you two please come up with a faster way to ask a question?
Battlepope:
We realize-
Minsky:
Please God, don’t answer that. I don’t have all night. Listen, everyone... I realize that it may seem like a lot of work to bring in one person, but our benevolent employer, he moves in mysterious ways. We all remember what the days were like with Låfftrax. Lucrative? Certainly. But they were very chaotic. And with this new regime we find ourselves in, we’re able to do so much more now that we have a leader with an actual attention span. But what comes along with that? Well, it’s the odd obsession from time to time. Ours is not to ask why, ours is to not fuck up and find ourselves floating in deep space. You understand.
Geegaa:
Hey boss?
Minsky:
Yes?
Geegaa:
Do you want to know about anything weird or just the Vapian-related stuff?
Minsky:
What have you got?
Geegaa:
Earthlings.
Minsky:
... Earthlings?
Geegaa:
Yeah. Sensors are telling me the makeup of the casino floor is 0.1% Earthling.
Minsky:
Well... what the fuck is that about?
Sluggo:
I thought there was a whole town full of Earthlings up in the mountains.
Geegaa:
Well, yeah, but they’re not real Earthlings. They’re all wearing Earthsuits up there... aren’t they?
Battlepope:
That was certainly how we discerned it.
Bugaboo:
Real close to the real thing in our eyes but ain’t no way they could be the real thing.
Geegaa:
Yeah, I mean, how could an entire town of actual Earthlings get all the way out here?... Boss?
Minsky:
My entire life I’ve only met one Earthling. An entire town of them would be impossible.
Geegaa:
What about that one you met with? Steve?
Minsky:
... He kept his Earthsuit activated the whole time.
Geegaa:
What? He stays in character the whole time?
Minsky:
I assumed.
Battlepope:
We’d make that assumption as well.
Bugaboo:
Seein’ as how the alternative would be next to nuts.
Minsky:
... Bring them up on the monitors.
Geegaa:
I’m already scanning for Vapians. I’d have to stop to look for Earthlings.
Minsky:
Right... Right... Probably nothing. Geegaa, keep your eyes on the monitors. Let us know if you see anyone from Earthland on the casino floor.
Geegaa:
Oh, I already do.
Minsky:
You do? Where?
Geegaa:
There’s one of them right there. She’s sitting at the Bubberduckle table.
June:
(In the monitors.) Well, here’s a table of suckers. All right, before I take everyone’s money, I guess I need to know how to play this game.
Geegaa:
I think her name is June.
June:
Who’s got a cigarette?
Minsky:
Boys, do you remember this woman?
Battlepope:
If we’re being as honest as possible, our memories of our time on the mountain are about as fuzzy as a cottonwood in springtime.
Bugaboo:
Seems as though our time being frozen has made our brainpans a little leaky.
Geegaa:
Wow, so you’re even less helpful now.
Francis:
I didn’t think it was possible!
Minsky:
Let’s stay focused, everyone. The earthling thing is weird, but we don’t have time for that right now.
Geegaa:
I’ve got another one.
Minsky:
Where?
Geegaa:
Right there. Feed 3.
Minsky:
Is that... what is that?
Geegaa:
Is it a snack cart?
Doug:
(In the monitor.) Doritos... Fritos... Cheetos... All your earth snacks right here! Who wants an ice cold Yoohoo?
Battlepope:
Ice cold Yoohoo would hit the spot right about now.
Bugaboo:
Yoohoo and a flamin’ hot cheeto is what the doctor ordered.
Geegaa:
Also by the bar.
Celeste:
(Through the monitor, back to being weird Celeste.) Excuse me, bartender, could I get three gin and tonics and twenty scratchers? Thank you.
Frank:
(Through the monitor, being a generic bar asshole.) Look at this lady. Ma’am, are you doomsday prepping with gin and tonics? Look at this, she’s got a gin and tonic for each personality, am I right?! High five, high five, my man! No? Nothing? Hey, put the game on!
Geegaa:
What is happening?
Minsky:
Hm... It looks as though Verge has uncharacteristically made themself some friends. Everybody, keep your eyes on the monitors. This is Verge making their move. Sluggo, head down to the casino floor and keep and eye on things.
Sluggo:
You got it, boss.
Geegaa:
What exactly are they planning on doing?
Minsky:
Remember, the plan is chaos. All of them are going to try and create a distraction of some sort. Head back to the Bubberduckle table. What’s the first one doing?
June:
(In the monitor.) No, it’s called pants darts. You play darts, but you bet your pants. Where’s the dart board around here?
Geegaa:
As long as everyone stays cool at the table, it should be fine.
Snorts Muhghorts:
Dealer! You have not given me the money I won! You are stealing from me!
Geegaa:
Oh, shit.
June:
Shorts!
Snorts Muhghorts:
You again, Kenndadian!
June:
Kenndadiite!!
Minsky:
They’re definitely making their move.
Geegaa:
Still no sign of Vapian DNA.
Minsky:
... Where’s Steve?
We transition to far underground in the refugee camp. Deidre makes her way through the masses.
Eldin:
Deidre, how are you faring?
Deidre:
I’m inside the refugee camp. Should we even call it a camp? It’s just a prison, right?
Eldin:
I suppose it doesn’t really matter what we call it.
Deidre:
It’s really bad in here, Eldin. They’re giving them just enough to survive, looks like. They’re all gathered around campfires, trying to stay warm.
Eldin:
Keeping them in a constant state of desperation is an essential part of the operation.
Deidre:
There are so many of them. How am I supposed to convince everyone to get to the evac point?
Eldin:
There should be a point person to talk to. Not an elected leader per se, but someone who’s gained the trust of the group. A de facto leader, or at least someone who can circulate the plan to everyone there.
Deidre:
How do I find that person?
Eldin:
You don’t. The reason we sent you down there undisguised is so you’ll stick out like a sore thumb. Be patient and wait for someone to approach you. That should be the person to talk to.
Deidre:
Okay. What level of freak-out is Verge at right now?
Verge:
(In earpiece.) I really don’t think I’m the one to worry about right now, Babe.
Deidre:
Hey.
Verge:
Are you okay?
Deidre:
I’m okay... there are so many different types of people down here, Verge.
Verge:
Yeah, they come from all over the place.
Deidre:
After all this is over, I need you to make a serious effort to show me something out here that isn’t terrible, okay?
Verge:
That’s a good idea... I wish I could go back. Do everything over again with you there.
Deidre:
Baby, we should’ve been assigned each other at birth. We should never have had to look for each other. It’s a crime... But according to Leif, there’s an ocean of universes out there. In one of them, I was an awkward kid walking into Freshman year at Hood River Valley High School and there you were. Somehow. I looked up at you, and put my heart into all four of your hands, and I never looked back... Those happy kids are out there somewhere... Just think about all the versions of us that never met... I worry about them all the time.
Maloo:
Who are you?
Deidre:
... Hang on, I think I just hot the jackpot... Hi.
Maloo:
... Earth?
Deidre:
Yes... I’m Deidre.
Maloo:
... You’re on the wrong planet.
Deidre:
I think everyone here is on the wrong planet.
Maloo:
I think you know what I mean.
Deidre:
What’s your name?
Maloo:
...
Deidre:
I promise I’m here to help you.
Maloo:
... Maloo.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Wait, what?
Deidre:
It’s nice to meet you, Maloo.
Leif:
Holy shit.
Eldin:
What?
Leif:
Uh, nothing.
Maloo:
One earthling is weird. But I’ve seen two now. One a few days ago and now you.
Deidre:
Right. Steve. You saw my friend Steve. He told me about all of you. Me and my friends are trying to get everyone out of here.
Maloo:
...
Deidre:
I promise.
Maloo:
The reason why we are all here is because someone said they were going to save us. They were lying. Why should I believe you?
Leif:
Deidre, if you’re talking to someone that’s green with yellow stripes, they’re from a planet called Lemonier. They’re probably there with their younger brothers and sisters.
Deidre:
You’ve got every right to be protective. Are you here with family?
Leif:
Lemonier is mostly wetlands. Everyone there has to work at a water treatment treatment facility. It sucks.
Deidre:
You’re from Lemonier, right? You were trying to get your family away from the water treatment facilities? I don’t blame you for being desperate.
Maloo:
Our parents thought they were saving us.
Deidre:
Maloo, if you’ll trust me, your parents sending you away won’t be in vain.
Maloo:
How are you going to do this?
Deidre:
There’s a ship coming. I need everyone in this encampment to follow me.
Maloo:
...
Deidre:
Suspicion isn’t going to get you out of this place, Maloo. Only trust is going to do that. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s true.
Maloo:
... Show me where. Then I’ll decide.
Deidre:
Okay. Follow me.
We move back to Tavrok’s cabin. Leif waits for word on the next phase of the plan while tavrok sharpens a sword.
Leif:
Anyway, they’re called the Urts. Apparently they were here on this mountain a long time ago, and I don’t know why. There’s this huge structure back in town, but that can’t be everything they left behind.
Tavrok:
Mm. Ancient ones.
Leif:
Yeah, ancient ones. I keep walking around looking for something they may have left behind, but it’s just that one structure. It can’t have just been that building.
Tavrok:
Hammerscale.
Leif:
What?
Tavrok:
You must find hammerscale.
Leif:
What is that?
Tavrok:
When kingdoms fall, they become ruins. The ruins fade into the mountains and hills. But even as the ruins turn to dust, the hammerscale remains.
Leif:
What is it?
Tavrok:
When my hammer strikes the steel, it leaves behind hammerscale. I cannot see it, but it remains forever.
Leif:
Okay... okay, so it’s microscopic iron dust. It disappears into the soil but it’s always there.
Tavrok:
You must look for that which you cannot see.
Leif:
Right. Okay. Traces of them that I can’t see.
Tavrok:
We cannot help but leave traces of ourselves behind. No matter how much we wish to disappear.
Trinkett approaches.
Trinkett:
Hello!
Leif:
Trinkett, what’s up?
Trinkett:
Nothing. I got bored.
Leif:
Bored?
Trinkett:
And a little anxious. Also I think Eldin got a little annoyed that I kept picking up my landline for an update.
Eldin:
Just a little annoyed.
Trinkett:
Where’s Verge?
We hear distant plasma blasts coming from verge’s gun.
Leif:
They’re a little anxious. Trying to work it out with some target practice.
Trinkett:
I see. Any news?
Leif:
How are we doing, Eldin?
Eldin:
Deidre’s made contact with a point person down in the cave. They’re making their way to the access point now. Meanwhile everyone else is putting on quite a show.
Frank:
(In Leif’s phone.) Bartender, you guys got a jukebox?!
Celeste:
(Also in Leif’s phone.) We want to play some Billy Joel.
Frank:
Movin’ Out. You guys got Movin’ Out?
Celeste:
No, Allentown.
Frank:
No no, here’s the proper trajectory. You start with Movin’ Out, then kick it up a notch with Big Shot, then you bring it back down with New York State of Mind, then you bring the heat with You May Be Right. Hey bartender!
Doug:
Okay we are out of Ding Dongs but we are going two for one with Snowballs! Who wants snowballs?
June:
Snowballs over here! Snorts you want a snowball?
Snorts Muhghorts:
I do not want your balls!
Eldin:
Everything seems to be the appropriate level of ridiculous at the moment.
Trinkett:
You think this is really going to work?
Leif:
The whole thing hinges on the fact that Minsky would never expect us to try and free all the people he’s got trapped down there. He thinks no one knows where he’s keeping them. There’s no way he’s going to say, “But what if they have a mushroom witch?” Now all we have to do is keep his attention on the casino and we should be good. This part is the easy part. The hard part will be the completely impossible part that involves a ship that probably doesn’t exist.
Trinkett:
Leif, I’ve got to ask you something.
Leif:
What?
Trinkett:
You’ve been pretty resistant to this ship everyone’s talking about.
Leif:
The True Trans Traveler.
Trinkett:
Yeah. I mean, you really hate this idea.
Leif:
I do.
Trinkett:
Do you think maybe you’ve gotten a little desensitized to... you know... all this?
Leif:
All what?
Trinkett:
Well there’s a space dinosaur over there. Verge has four arms. I’m full of mushrooms. The whole Frank situation, a mountain that travels through the universe, a diner that does the same thing. But with this ship there’s this wall of doubt. You don’t think that’s weird?
Leif:
... Quilandis. That was the name of the planet I was on before I got here... My arm turned black, so did my foot. The only thing that saved me was the frozen shit of a giant walrus-thing that I set on fire to stay warm. I walked for hours in cold that could kill a frigging Inuit... Before that, I had to save us from the bad guy by picking up a gun and shooting my friends, hoping to God that I didn’t kill them... Where was my magical sled to carry me to safety, Trinkett?... I’m not oblivious to all the insane shit that I’ve seen, but if I depend on it, if I just hope that it’s going to be there, I think that’s a good way to get dead.
Trinkett:
... You know, sorry to be a witch about it, but that brain of yours, and the actions you take, AND the magical space ships AND the traveling mountains... The spirits move in all of those things, Leif. For me there’s no difference between them.
Leif:
I don’t know how to calculate for the movements of the spirits, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
I think you do. But I understand you need to call it something else. Try to have a little faith sometimes, Leif. Just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you know everything. Trust me.
Leif:
... Smart person’s disease.
Trinkett:
What?
Leif:
One time a friend of mine told me I have smart person’s disease. Smart people, such as myself, suffer a side effect of our smartness where we think everyone else is stupid, just because we’re smart.
Trinkett:
Exactly.
Leif:
... Hey, I’ve got a question for you.
Trinkett:
Okay.
Leif:
Down in the caves, Deidre just ran into someone I know.
Trinkett:
Really?
Leif:
I knew them in another universe.
Trinkett:
That’s weird.
Leif:
It’s statistically impossible. But it’s not the first time it’s happened. I’ve been to a billion universes at this point, but I keep running into people I know. What’s that about?
Trinkett:
That’s really beautiful.
Leif:
Sure. But what does it mean?
Trinkett:
I don’t know. People become bonded with each other in all sorts of ways that we can never know. Maybe people have a way of sticking together that we can’t really understand.
Leif:
... I hate big questions.
Trinkett:
I know.
Leif:
I’ve got too many of them right now.
Trinkett:
Yeah, there’s a lot going on with you right now. But hey... I think I might be able to help you out with one of those.
Leif:
Oh, yeah?
Trinkett:
You were saying that you were in one place, and then suddenly you woke up here in Hood’s Pocket, right?
Leif:
Yeah.
Trinkett:
You don’t remember how you got here.
Leif:
No.
Trinkett:
I think I can help you with that.
Leif:
How?
Trinkett:
Well, it’s a little, y’know... witchy.
Leif:
You’re going to cast a spell on me or something?
Trinkett:
No, not exactly. But I think I know a way that we can walk you through your memories, like we’re walking along a beach.
Leif:
A beach.
Trinkett:
Yes.
Leif:
How?
Trinkett:
Well, it involves the astral plane.
Leif:
The astral plane?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Leif:
Trinkett-
Trinkett:
Hey. I know. I know how it sounds. But I think it’s possible.
Leif:
Okay. Maybe I deal with all this stuff first?
Trinkett:
Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.
Leif:
Okay... The astral plane.
Trinkett:
That’s right.
Leif:
Sure.
Deidre:
(In Leif’s phone.) Leif?
Leif:
Yeah.
Deidre:
We’re here.
Leif:
Okay. That should be where the rock wall is the thinnest. Remember that ball of goo I gave you?
Deidre:
Yeah.
Leif:
Take it out and stick it to the wall.
Deidre:
Okay... Okay it’s on.
Leif:
Now that other thing I gave you, it looks like a stick with a string sticking out of it?
Deidre:
Yes.
Leif:
Stick it inside the goo. After you pull the string you’ll have ten seconds.
Deidre:
Okay. What is this stuff, Leif?
Leif:
Just a simple mixture of household products, Deidre.
Deidre:
Okay... Okay I’m pulling the string.
Leif:
Ten seconds.
Deidre:
Let’s go.
After a moment we hear an explosion through Leif’s phone.
Deidre:
Holy shit.
Leif:
Nice work.
Deidre:
Household products, huh?
Leif:
Everybody’s got a bomb under their kitchen sink, Deidre. Did you manage to make a hole?
Deidre:
Yeah... Yeah, it worked.
Leif:
Okay. That should lead all the way out to the ocean. Good luck.
Deidre:
Thanks. Verge is okay?
Leif:
Target practice.
Deidre:
Got it.
Trinkett:
Deidre, you’re doing a great job.
Deidre:
Thanks, Trinkett. Kind of wish I was on the casino team right now. That sounds like fun.
Eldin:
It’s about to get less fun, but that’s no concern of yours. Report back to us when you’ve reached the evacuation point.
Deidre:
Okay.
Leif:
What’s up in the casino?
Eldin:
Minsky has sent someone to monitor the casino floor.
Leif:
Who?
Eldin:
Sluggo.
Leif:
Great.
We switch to the casino floor.
Celeste:
It’s called a Scorpion Bowl. It’s gin, rum, tequila, and then dark rum, little splash of pineapple, then a shot of flaming rum in the middle. And a straw. Y’know, scorpion bowl.
Frank:
Don’t forget the cherries.
Sluggo:
Okay, Boss. I’m on the casino floor.
Minsky:
(In Sluggo’s ear.) Good. Wait there until we see someone make a move.
Sluggo:
Sure thing.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Frank?
Frank:
Yeah, what’s up?
Eldin:
Casually look to your right.
Frank:
Okay, casually looking.
Eldin:
Do you see the eight foot purple robot?
Frank:
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that thing?
Eldin:
That’s Sluggo, he’s a thug bot.
Frank:
Gee, I wonder what his job is.
Eldin:
We need to take him off the board.
Frank:
Take him off the board?
Eldin:
That’s right.
Frank:
Okay, how do we do that?
Eldin:
Minsky has sent him down to wait for our next move.
Frank:
What is our next move?
Eldin:
We don’t have one, but Minsky doesn’t know that.
Frank:
So, what do we do, then?
Eldin:
We act like we’re making our next move.
Frank:
By doing what?
Eldin:
Do you see the hallway to your left?
Frank:
Yeah.
Eldin:
Head towards it and act like you’re trying to act casual.
Frank:
How do I act like... Never mind.
Eldin:
You can do it.
Frank:
Pardon me, I’m going to causally walk down this hallway. Be right back.
Eldin:
Amazing work, Frank.
Minsky:
(In Sluggo’s ear.) That one there. Where’s he going?
Sluggo:
Looks like he’s walking toward the freight lift.
Minsky:
Here we go. Follow him.
Sluggo:
Sure thing, Boss.
Sluggo begins to follow frank.
Leif:
(In Doug’s phone.) Doug.
Doug:
Yes. I’m here.
Leif:
See that purple robot heading towards you?
Doug:
Purple... oh my goodness. What do I do?
Leif:
Don’t worry. He’s going to walk right past you.
Doug:
I really hope so.
Leif:
Play it cool.
Doug:
Zagnut... I’ve got Zagnut bars here.
Sluggo walks past doug.
Doug:
Okay, he just passed me.
Leif:
Hit the first switch on your beverage cart.
Doug:
Okay. First switch. Done.
Leif:
That should cut off Sluggo’s comms. He’s all yours.
Eldin:
This should be an interesting experiment.
Leif:
Experiment?
Frank:
Eldin, where am I going?
Eldin:
There should be a freight elevator in front of you.
Frank:
How do I open it?
Eldin:
One moment.
The freight elevator opens.
Eldin:
Get inside.
Frank:
Okay... then what?
Eldin:
Then wait.
Frank:
Wait?
Sluggo comes around the corner and walks into the elevator.
Sluggo:
Evening.
Frank:
Hi.
Sluggo:
Where you headed?
Frank:
Is this not the bathroom?
Sluggo:
It’s the freight elevator.
Frank:
I see. The signage in this place, right? Very confusing.
Sluggo walks further into the elevator.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s earpiece.) So, Frank, like I said, we need to take Sluggo off the board. I’m going to close the door to the elevator in a moment.... Just do whatever comes naturally.
Frank:
Goddamn it, Eldin.
The freight elevator closes as we move to June’s table.
June:
Okay, I have now gotten the hang of this game, which means everyone here is in trouble.
Snorts Muhghorts:
It is your turn.
June:
Snorts, we had a whole conversation about patience. Do you remember?
Eldin:
(In June’s ear.) Hello, June. We need to inject a little more chaos onto the casino floor. Get Snorts to throw one of his little temper tantrums, won’t you?
June:
Twist my arm.
Snorts Muhghorts:
I am not twisting your arm.
June:
I’m not talking to you, Shorts. Jeez!
Snorts Muhghorts:
Who are you talking to?
June:
Excuse me, dealer? I ordered some chicken tenders like a half hour ago. Not sure what kind of place you’re running here.
Snorts Muhghorts:
You have ordered no chicken tenders.
June:
You don’t know!
Snorts Muhghorts:
Take your turn!
June:
Okay, okay fine... here we go... taking my turn...
June starts singing to herself.
June:
Choppin broccoli...
Choppin broccoli...
Choppin broccoli...
Choppin broccoli...
The table thinks she about to take her turn, but then...
June:
We be choppin’ broccoli-
Snorts Muhghorts:
Stop singing that song!
June:
Every time you talk to me I have to start over!
We cut back to minsky’s command center.
Geegaa:
We’ve got a problem.
Minsky:
What?
Geegaa:
Snorts.
Through the monitors we hear snorts totally losing it on the casino floor. He is currently hacking up the poker table with his axe.
Snorts Muhghorts:
(In the monitors.) WHY WILL YOU NOT TAKE YOUR TURN!!!!
Geegaa:
They really need to stop letting him into casinos.
Minsky:
Where is Sluggo?
Geegaa:
Uh... I don’t have him.
Minsky:
He was headed for the freight elevators.
Geegaa:
Okay... the video feed in the elevators has gone dark.
Minsky:
Gone dark how?
Geegaa:
I don’t know how.
Minsky:
... This isn’t Verge... This is something else.
Geegaa:
What is it?
Minsky:
I don’t know. Where is Steve?
Down on the casino floor a total brawl has broken out.
Eldin:
Celeste, what’s your status?
Celeste:
Well, turns out the bartender makes a hell of a scorpion bowl.
Eldin:
Wonderful. What else?
Celeste:
The entire casino floor has somehow turned into a bar brawl.
Eldin:
Hard to not admire June’s ability to create total chaos.
Celeste:
What am I supposed to do?
Eldin:
We’re about to pull the rug out. Frank may need help getting out of the freight elevator.
Celeste:
Okay.
Leif:
Doug, are you ready?
Doug:
Getting pretty crazy down here!
Leif:
Okay. It’s the second switch on your beverage cart.
Doug:
I’m ready.
Leif:
Okay hit it.
Doug:
Here goes.
We hear the entire casino power down followed by everyone on the floor freaking out.
June:
Uh. Guys. The blackout is on purpose, right?
Eldin:
It’s all a part of our fake plan, June.
We hear the sound of the ocean washing into a gigantic cave. Deidre and Maloo make their way to the opening.
Deidre:
Okay... Okay there it is. We’re supposed to wait right here.
Maloo:
All of us?
Deidre:
Yes, we need to get everyone to the mouth of the cave. The ship will be right outside the cave. When it shows up, we all make a run for it. But we don’t have a lot of time
Maloo:
That is hard for me to believe.
Deidre:
I know. I know it is. Have you heard of the True Trans Traveler?
Maloo:
Every desperate person has heard of the True Trans Traveler.
Deidre:
It’s coming. It’s coming soon.
Maloo:
...
Deidre:
Maloo, I know.
Maloo:
The problem is that all of us got stuck in this place because we decided to trust someone we didn’t know.
Deidre:
I know.
Maloo:
You cannot ask someone to do that twice.
Deidre:
I’m asking. I’m asking twice. Maloo, come on. I just blew a hole in the wall, that’s got to mean something.
Maloo:
... Your name is Deidre?
Deidre:
Yes.
Maloo:
We are all very tired, Deidre.
Deidre:
I know.
Maloo:
We were all tired when our journey began. Now we have given up hope. But you are here telling us to have hope again.
Deidre:
That must feel terrible. That must make you feel even more exhausted. People keep telling you to believe in them and they keep letting you down.
Maloo:
Why do so many think that desperate people are like property? You take them, you throw them away when you want. What did we do?
Deidre:
Maloo, you haven’t done anything except live in the world. They made that a crime... Despite all of this, you have to believe that out there somewhere are people who don’t think this is right. People who will try to stop it when they see it.
Maloo:
I don’t want to believe. But I think they are out there, somewhere.
Deidre:
They’re right here, Maloo. It’s me. I can’t let this happen, so I’m here trying to stop it... I need you to believe in people one more time. Just one more time.
Maloo:
... One more time.
We move back to the casino where chaos still ensues.
Eldin:
Celeste, I know it’s dark in there, but have you managed to make it to the freight elevator?
Celeste:
Never fear. I’m guided by the light of my flaming beverage. I’m like Indiana Jones.
Eldin:
That’s very industrious of you. There should be a manual release under the control panel. Do you see it?
Celeste:
I see it.
Eldin:
Push it up and to the left.
Celeste:
Okay.
We hear the door to the freight elevator slide open. Frank is out of breath.
Celeste:
Frank?
Frank:
Celeste, your drink is on fire.
Celeste:
It’s a Scorpion Bowl.
Frank:
Sure.
Celeste:
What is this junk everywhere?
Frank:
... Must’ve been here when I got here.
Celeste:
Is that a robot head?
Frank:
Don’t worry about it. Eldin, what are we doing?
Eldin:
Alright, everyone. Abandon the casino and make your way to the alley. When the lights come up, we’ll be gone. And hopefully Minsky will be very confused.
Doug:
I know I certainly am.
Frank:
Alright, everybody move. Let’s go.
Back in minsky’s control room, everything powers back up.
Geegaa:
Okay, we’re back up. What the hell just happened?
Minsky:
I’m confused.
Geegaa:
About which part?
Minsky:
We just lost power in the casino for several minutes.
Geegaa:
Yeah?
Minsky:
So, in a predictable world, I would be dead when the lights came back up.
Battlepope:
Not to make assumptions, Boss.
Bugaboo:
You appear to be breathing in and out.
Minsky:
I am, in fact... Where’s Sluggo?
Geegaa:
Hang on... Is that?
Minsky:
... What the hell happened to him?
Battlepope:
Looking like he took a trip down the stairs.
Bugaboo:
Yet there he sits in the elevator.
Minsky:
... Where is Steve?
Geegaa:
Steve?
Minsky:
... This is... this is something else... This isn’t Verge making their move. This is something else.
Geegaa:
... What is it?
Minsky:
... No... No, that can’t be it...
Geegaa:
What?
Minsky:
Bring up the video feed for the caves.
Geegaa:
The caves?
Minsky:
Just do it.
Geegaa:
Okay... Oh... who is that?
Minsky:
Patch through audio.
Geegaa:
... You’re live.
Minsky:
... Steve.
Steve:
(In the monitor.) Well... good evening. How’s your night been, Minsky?
Minsky:
What the hell are you up to, Steve?
Steve:
I don’t know what you mean.
Minsky:
What are you doing in the caves, Steve?
Steve:
Well, I was looking for the bathroom.
Minsky:
I showed you my operation down there in confidence, Steve. I thought we had an understanding.
Steve:
I’m pretty sure our understanding was you thinking that I was a fucking idiot.
Minsky:
Steve, what’s the plan here? You had your friends come to the casino and distract me, and now what? You’re going to steal literally thousands of people from me? You think I can’t stop that before it happens? Where are you going to put them?
Steve:
You really expect me to lay out my whole plan for you right now? That really would make me an idiot.
Minsky:
You should think twice before crossing me like this, Steve.
Steve:
And you should think twice before messing with a Coos Bay dirtbag!
The video feed goes dead.
Geegaa:
He cut the feed. What is a Coos Bay Dirtbag?
Minsky:
Fucking Earthlings. Francis?
Francis:
What’s up, boss?
Minsky:
Head down to the caves and deal with Steve, would you?
Francis:
Sure thing, Boss.
We move back to the caves. The masses of people have made their way to the mouth of the cave and the crowd is very restless.
Maloo:
That’s the last of them.
Deidre:
Oh, my God. This is so many people.
Maloo:
I hope you know what you’re doing. We’ve all decided to trust you.
Deidre:
Okay... okay... Everyone can I have your attention?! Everyone?!
Maloo:
Everybody shut the fuck up!!
The crowd goes silent.
Deidre:
Thank you... My name is Deidre. I know so many of you are scared right now. I’m scared too. But I swear to God we have a plan, okay?
Maloo:
I think a lot of them want to know who you are.
Deidre:
Oh. Alright... Apparently you all would like to know who we are. I guess that’s understandable, I kind of came out of nowhere... So who are we... Well, honestly we’re not anyone. We’re not freedom fighters, or anything like that... Honestly, I think we’re just like anyone else. We’re normal people who found ourselves sitting by and watching something terrible happen. And we couldn’t sit by and watch anymore. It’s kind of a weird moment. Your feet just start moving and suddenly you’re in the middle of it... We risked a lot to do this. We didn’t have much of a choice. It was like it chose us... So now... well, now we’ve come to the part of the plan where we just have to cross our fingers and wait. Don’t lose hope, everyone. We’re almost there... Thank you, Maloo.
Maloo:
I’ve decided this is the last time I will ever trust somebody. I hope I don’t regret it.
Deidre:
Honestly... me too.
We begin to hear faint dance music.
Deidre:
Do you hear that?
Maloo:
Is it music?
Deidre:
I think so.
Maloo:
From where?
From out of nowhere the true trans traveler appears, dance music fills the cave and a voice is heard.
True Trans Traveler:
The stars are free and you are made of stardust. You were born free. You will be free again.
Deidre:
Holy shit.
The doors begin to open on the spaceship.
True Trans Traveler:
All aboard, children. Time to get reborn.
Maloo:
I can’t believe it.
Deidre:
Everybody move it!
We move back to the caves. Francis approaches.
Francis:
Oh, Steeeeeeeve? Where are you hiding, pal?
Steve:
Leif?
Leif:
(In Steve’s phone.) Okay, Steve. Don’t panic. You’ve got that thing I gave you?
Steve:
Yeah.
Leif:
Turn it on.
Steve turns on the microwave drill.
Steve:
What do I do with it?
Leif:
It’ll do all the work. It’s a microwave drill. It’ll scramble his insides, but it takes time to work. Give it as much time as you can.
Steve:
He’s got knives for hands, Leif.
Leif:
Better than lasers for hands.
Steve:
Shit.
Francis:
There you are! Great to see you again, Steve-a-reno!
Steve:
Hey, Francis.
Francis:
You know, Steve. I hope you understand that I think you’re a real cool guy. Hate that it has to end this way.
Steve:
You know, the things you say don’t quite match the things you do, Francis.
Francis:
I know. It’s my curse! I would’ve been much better off entertaining kids!
Steve:
I think that’s probably a terrible idea, Francis.
Francis:
Oh well. It’s my lot in life.
Francis begins spinning his blades. He slowly moves toward Steve.
Francis:
You know, I tell people all the time that things will go a lot quicker if they don’t struggle. But nobody ever listens! I’m just trying to look out for them!
Steve:
Francis, wait! I need to tell you something!
Francis:
Okay! Better make it fast!
Steve:
Everything I say is a lie!
Francis:
... Okay.
Steve:
Also, I’m lying!
Francis stops spinning his blades.
Francis:
You’re lying.
Steve:
Yes.
Francis:
But everything you say is a lie.
Steve:
Right.
Francis:
Which means you’re lying about lying.
Steve:
I am.
Francis:
Which means you’re telling the truth.
Steve:
Yes!
Francis:
But you’re always lying.
Steve:
Always.
Francis:
Hey. Wait a minute. Are you trying to logic bomb me?
Steve:
Maybe?
Francis:
Aw, c’mon, Steve! That stuff hasn’t worked for a hundred years!
Steve:
Worth a shot, I guess?
Francis:
A for effort!
Francis starts to spin his blades again.
Steve:
Shit.
Francis:
Think about it this way, Steve. There’s a million ways to kill a guy that’s much faster and easier. But Minsky makes me do it this way! What kind of bananas is that to put into the paper shredder?
Steve:
Uh. What?
Francis:
I said, cut find of pajamas is plat to soot pinto the gaper breader.
Francis’ blades stop spinning.
Steve:
Francis?
Francis:
Blut blind blove blovblanos bliz blat bunto blu blabber bledder...
Steve:
... Leif, I think it worked.
Leif:
That was a close one.
Francis:
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do...
Steve:
Weird that I feel bad now.
Leif:
He was about to kill you, dude.
Steve:
Yeah. Nobody’s perfect. So, what do I do now?
Leif:
Steve... I can’t believe I’m saying this but... we’re in the clear. Head to the evac point.
Steve:
Seriously?
Eldin:
Get back to Hood's pocket Steve, we've got a long night of making fun of Leif ahead of us.
Steve:
Holy shit.
We move back to the mouth of the cave. The remaining refugees are boarding the ship.
True Trans Traveler:
You don’t need a ticket. You don’t need a suitcase. Just bring yourself and the person you long to be.
Deidre:
Are all of your people on board?
Maloo:
I’m the last one.
Deidre:
Okay... I can’t believe this worked.
Maloo:
Where do you think we’re going?
Deidre:
I don’t know, Maloo. I know it’s better than here.
Maloo:
Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? It’s dangerous here.
Deidre:
I already found my magic ship. Go.
Maloo:
I won’t forget you.
Maloo runs onto the ship. The true trans traveler starts to power up.
True Trans Traveler:
The ship is full and we’ve got nothing but green lights. Buckle up children, it’s going to be a bumpy ride in a good way.
The ship rises up, fires its engines and vanishes as quickly as it appeared.
Deidre:
Whoa.
Eldin:
... Well, now I have nothing but questions.
Verge:
No one is ever allowed to doubt me again.
Deidre:
Hey, Baby.
Eldin:
Deidre, we’ve got the door to the cave sealed. Now even Minsky can’t get in. Head out the mouth of the cave onto the beach. Celeste will pick you up there.
Deidre:
On my way.
Deidre heads toward the mouth of the cave. We begin to hear the sound of the ocean.
Deidre:
... I just got us in a lot of trouble, didn’t I?
Verge:
I can’t imagine Minsky being thrilled about this, but we can deal with that tomorrow. Right now, I don’t think he even knows what’s going on.
Deidre:
But he will.
Verge:
Don’t worry about that now, just get back to me. June’s already started the party at the Sheep’s Eye.
Deidre:
Sounds like fun. Private party first though, okay? Just you and me.
Verge:
That’s my favorite kind of party.
We hear two plasma guns activate. Battlepope and bugaboo have been waiting for her outside the cave.
Bugaboo:
A lass of note.
Deidre:
Shit.
Battlepope:
You know what everyone fails to see, Bugaboo?
Bugaboo:
What’s that, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
That we embody the spirit of the underestimated.
Bugaboo:
Just when they done forgot about us, there we are in the clutch.
Battlepope:
Snatching defeat from the mouth of victory. Ma’am, if you would be so kind, our employer would like a word.
We begin to hear minsky speaking through verge’s tangle.
Minsky:
The Bracken System and its Homeworld Wren. That’s where I’m from. Pure chaos. I wish people could understand what it’s like to live in that. People don't know what it's like to fight for your life every day. I was taught a very valuable lesson there. That there must be an order to things. There must be a hand that guides everything. That people, collectively, are idiots. And need to be told what to do. I know that sounds strange, coming from a career criminal. But I've found the rules of crime to be even more strict than those of law and order. The rules in my world are clear, they are severe, and judgment is swift. I know you're out there listening to me. I know we can work together on this. Let's add a little order to the world, shall we?
Verge:
Hello, Minsky.
Minsky:
Well... be still my heart. I'm sure you're worried about Deidre. Please don't worry. She's being treated very well.
Verge:
For your sake, I hope so.
Minsky:
Let's get down to it. It's a tale as old as time.
Verge:
Me for her?
Minsky:
That’s right.
Verge:
... what the fuck does he want with me, Minsky?
Minsky:
To be quite honest with you, Verge, I don't care. I was sent here to do a job. I'm about to complete that job. And then after that, we will be able to return to doing the good work of... well, you know the work we do. Frankly, this whole thing has been an unnecessary distraction. But he moves in strange ways, my employer.
Verge:
... If you’ve hurt her, everyone dies.
Minsky:
Verge, if I don't return with you to The Galaxy Brain, we're all dead. See? I've got skin in the game too. I bear no malice whatsoever towards this woman. Come to me here, we'll put her in your ship and send her back to her little mountain.
Verge:
You realize I'm going to kill you the first chance I get, right?
Minsky:
Of course. I'd expect nothing less. But that's what I'm talking about, Verge... Rules. Clear. Severe. Swift. They come for us all eventually... It’ll be lovely to see you again.
We are back at tarvok’s cabin.
Leif:
... Where are we at?
Eldin:
They’ve just made the trade-off. Deidre is in the Phoenix and I’m flying her back now.
Leif:
... So this is up to us now.
Eldin:
We have one last advantage.
Leif:
What?
Eldin:
We didn’t know if Minsky was here for you or Verge. Now we know. Which means...
Leif:
They have no idea I exist.
Eldin:
That’s right. I hope you remember how to get into the Galaxy Brain.
Leif:
... I remember.
Minsky:
(In Leif’s phone.) Ahem. Testing one, two, three... Looks like Deidre left her phone behind. This message is for the good people of Hood's Pocket. My business with Verge has concluded, but I'm afraid there are one or two action items that need to be addressed before I go. I'm afraid that little town of yours has cost me a lot of money today. Quite ingenious what you did. I'm honestly still not sure how you did it. But regardless, a transgression like this can't go unanswered.
We begin to hear multiple large explosions very far away.
Leif:
What the fuck is that?
Minsky:
The sound you're hearing is the sound of Battlepope and Bugaboo igniting the chemical pits.
Leif:
Oh shit.
Minsky:
You're new in town, so you probably don't know what that is. It's an ocean of toxic chemicals that's deposited right next to Raxius. Everyone is always so worried what would happen if the chemical pits blew, and now we’re going to find out.
Leif:
Motherfucker.
Minsky:
As we speak, a cloud of toxic gas is now making its way across Raxius. Now, Raxius has a way to defend against such things- the buildings seal themselves. I don't imagine you have that same protection up in the mountains. And that is of course where this cloud of poisonous gas is headed next. I'm no expert, but I don't think earthlings fare very well against clouds of toxic gas. You can try and run, of course. But I think you'll be surprised how fast this cloud's going to travel. Most of you will be dead by morning. But you do seem to be quite industrious up there, so just in case I miss a few of you, I will send a clean-up crew to check and make sure all the good work's been done.
Leif:
Clean up crew?
Minsky:
They’re called Eels. I can’t wait for you to meet them.
Leif:
Oh no...
The Phoenix sets down in front of the cabin. Deidre jumps out of the pilot seat.
Deidre:
Leif!
Leif:
I heard!
Deidre:
What is he talking about?... Leif?!
Leif:
... We’re in for a really long night.
The end.