Welcome to the Horizon
Part 2.10: The Astral Sea.
From the window of a hotel room in raxius we can still hear celebrating on the street below. Bertbert starts broadcasting on her handheld device and she watches the party below her.
Bertbert:
This is BertBert broadcasting on... whatever’s left of the Undersignal. I have no idea if this dispatch is going to reach anybody. For all I know, it could be banked on a comms node and sit there to be discovered one day by some future civilization wondering what the fuck happened to everyone... Last night, the world ended. The network of warp gates that connected thousands of civilizations across three galaxies all of a sudden powered down and were subsequently eaten by stars that used to fuel them... Let’s think out loud about what that means... No more communication between planets. Civilizations that had become completely dependent on imported goods are cut off. It's estimated that roughly 40% of the citizens of the Triad are, at any given time, away from their home planet. Myself included. Wherever you were yesterday, you live there now. As the gates were coming down yesterday, I tried to get some sense of what was happening, but nobody knew anything. thousands of planets were in complete panic and confusion... All except for one.
Where I happened to be yesterday when the world ended was on Rax Prime. I had begun to hear rumors of some strange things going on in the capital city of Raxius and, dutiful little reporter than I am, decided to head out and see what's what.
And last night, when the entire Triad was frantic, last night, while I was sending what may be my very last message to my mother and father... there was partying in the streets.
As far as I can tell, the world that I used to know is gone. But as some sort of weird consolation prize, it has given me a mystery. So, even though I may be a reporter without an audience... I suppose it's time for me to go to work.
This is BertBert broadcasting on the Undersignal. Welcome to the Triad... Or whatever we're calling it now.
We hear the dark ocean of the Astral plane. Trinkett and Leif stand on the beach.
Trinkett:
Are you doing okay?
Leif:
I think so... Where are we?
Trinkett:
The astral plane. There wasn't really an instruction booklet when I showed up, so I'm calling this the shores of memory and that's the Astral Sea
Leif:
Yeah, sure... okay.
Trinkett:
It was really disorienting for me at first, so take your time.
Leif:
It’s dark.
Trinkett:
It’s always like this. Like the sun is just about to come up or go down.
Leif:
What’s that in the distance? It looks like a lighthouse or something.
Trinkett:
I don’t know. I feel like I’m supposed to go towards it, but not yet. It’s definitely not where we’re going today.
Leif:
Where are we going?
Trinkett:
It’s simple. You’re going to take a walk on the beach.
Leif:
That’s all?
Trinkett:
As you walk along the beach, it should walk you through memories. You need to walk long enough to get to the memory you lost.
Leif:
You’re not coming with me?
Trinkett:
Actually, I can’t.
Leif:
Why not?
Trinkett:
Well... You’re not really supposed to be here, Leif.
Leif:
What do you mean?
Trinkett:
Reaching this place isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work and, not to brag, it takes a lot of spiritual soundness. Are you spiritually sound, Leif?
Leif:
Absolutely not.
Trinkett:
Right. Your conscious mind isn’t with you right now — that logical mind that keeps your emotions in check. There’s a danger of that washing over you and removing you from this place.
Leif:
Why isn’t that happening now?
Trinkett:
Because of...
Trinkett needs to stop to breathe.
Leif:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
I’m okay... All of those unchecked emotions, I’m taking all of that on for you right now.
Leif:
Oh, god.
Trinkett:
It’s okay. I’m going to be fine. There’s just... there’s a lot of it, Leif. You’ve had quite a life.
Leif:
You should’ve told me before we did this.
Trinkett:
You would’ve said no. It’s going to be... It’s going to be okay. If I can hold all of this back for you then you’ll be able to function here and... most importantly... you’ll be able to remember everything.
Leif:
Trinkett, if this in dangerous for you, we shouldn’t do it.
Trinkett:
No. No, we should... There’s something really big out there, Leif. I can feel it... There’s something you really need to know... Go.
Leif:
Trinkett-
Trinkett:
Leif. I’ve been doing this work my whole life. This is the big game for me. I’m ready... Go.
Leif:
Okay... Okay I’ll go as fast as I can.
Trinkett:
Time doesn’t actually exit here, Leif, but I appreciate the sentiment... Go.
Leif:
Here I go.
Leif hurries off along the beach as we move to Trinkett’s shop. Trinkett and Leif sit on the floor in an unconscious state. Frank watches over them.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Frank?
Frank:
Yeah.
Eldin:
How are they?
Frank:
I have no idea.
Eldin:
Any change?
Frank:
No, they’re just sitting there on the floor with their eyes closed. It’s really weird.
Eldin:
It’s unconventional, to be sure.
Frank:
So they’re just meditating or something?
Eldin:
Leif’s taken a bit of space foot and, according to her, that allows Trinkett to lead him on some sort of vision quest. Apparently by doing this, she can help him recover his lost memories.
Frank:
Uh huh... Eldin, is this a bunch of bullshit?
Eldin:
Frank, were about nineteen million lightyears away from any sort of provable science, don’t even bother. Regardless, Trinkett asked that we always have someone watching them while they’re doing this, so... Here we are.
Frank:
Alright, fine.
Eldin:
Do you need me to send someone to take over for you?
Frank:
No, I’m fine.
Eldin:
Alright, just let me know. Trinkett left you a note by the cash register, by the way.
Frank:
Okay. Hey, Eldin, have you looked at the calendar, lately?
Eldin:
I have. If our schedule doesn’t change, we’re set to move again in a month.
Frank:
And a bunch of people from the city have moved in here.
Eldin:
They have.
Frank:
I’m assuming we haven’t told them about the whole traveling mountain thing.
Eldin:
How does one break that news exactly?
Frank:
No idea, but we should probably get a plan together.
Eldin:
Agreed.
Frank:
(Reading from Trinkett’s note.) Dear Frank, I set aside some mandrake tea in the pot. Steep it for five minutes then remove the bag. Remember, don’t let anyone touch it. It’s poison, exclamation point.
Eldin:
Sounds like you have a nice quiet evening ahead of you.
Frank:
Sure.
Eldin:
Let me know if you need anything.
Frank:
Uh huh... How the fuck do I boil water in here?
June walks in.
June:
Hello!
Frank:
Hi.
June:
Look at you behind the counter. Could I get some eye of newt, please?
Frank:
We’re fresh out.
June:
What are you doing?
Frank:
Trying to figure out how Trinkett boils water.
June:
Have you tried heating it?
Frank:
Here we go. Wow, electric kettle, I don’t have to go gather kindling in the forest or something.
June:
Wouldn’t it be funny if this was all an act and she has an eighty inch flatscreen in the back?
Frank:
That would be funny. Also, amazing. I’m stuck here for a while and an eighty inch TV would be great.
June:
Look at them. They’re just going to sit on the floor like that?
Frank:
I guess so.
June:
Until when?
Frank:
I don’t know.
June:
Do you think they’re going to start levitating?
Frank:
Wouldn’t surprise me.
June:
... We’re going to put funny hats on them, right?
Frank:
Now you’re talking. Sombrero for Leif?
June:
Yes, but one of the fancy ones that mariachis wear, with the little tassels on it.
Frank:
Okay. What about Trinkett?
June:
A Fez, of course.
Frank:
Of course.
June:
Because she’s so worldly.
Frank:
Great. This has turned into a fun night.
June:
It’s what I do.
Frank:
What are you doing here?
June:
Well I heard you were on... what are we calling this? Trance patrol? So I thought I’d come by and keep you company.
Frank:
That’s very nice of you. Don’t touch the tea.
June:
Don’t touch the tea? Why?
Frank:
It’s poisonous.
June:
Interesting. Can you expand on that for me?
Frank:
She was making me some sort of special tea and I was enjoying it. Turns out it’s made out of something called mandrake and it’s poisonous to anyone who’s not me.
June:
That’s so Catherine De Medici of her.
Frank:
It’s insane. Turns out the tea is pretty good, though.
June:
Well, luckily for you I’ve never touched tea in my life, so don’t worry. Would you like me to run around the corner to the hardware store and get you some anti-freeze? You can shake it with some ice, make yourself a little martini.
Frank:
I’m good with the tea.
June:
Okay. I brought a movie and some popcorn. Do you want popcorn?
Frank:
Sure.
June:
Do you want me to sprinkle some asbestos on your popcorn?
Frank:
How long are you going to go with this joke?
June:
Oh, I’m going all night.
Frank:
What’s the movie?
June:
It’s a classic. One beloved by all. A masterpiece of the cinematic arts.
Frank:
... It’s Swamp Thing, isn’t it?
June:
It’s Swamp Thing. I brought Swamp Thing.
Frank:
And how long will you be going with that joke?
June:
To the grave, Frankie.
Frank:
You know what? It’s been a minute, put it on.
June:
Yeah?
Frank:
Yeah, sure. It’s either that or we stare at two people in a trance all night.
June:
Okay. Frankie, tonight we answer a very important question: Was Adrienne Barbeau actually attractive? Or did she just have big boobs?
Over at the shop and go, bertbert walks in and takes in her surroundings.
Doug:
Hi, there... Can I help you?
Bertbert:
... Pretty impressive.
Doug:
... I’m sorry?
Bertbert:
This is exactly how I would imagine a convenience store on Earth.
Doug:
Oh... Yes, thank you. We’ve... worked very hard to make it look this way.
Bertbert:
Uh huh...
Doug:
... Was there anything in particular you were looking for?
Bertbert:
What’s your name?
Doug:
Doug.
Bertbert:
Doug. Classic earthling.
Doug:
Thanks.
Bertbert:
I am looking for something in particular, Doug.
Doug:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Maybe you haven’t heard since you’re up here in this idyllic little earth town, but three galaxies just collapsed in on themselves and it’s total chaos out there.
Doug:
I’ve heard that... That sounds bad.
Bertbert:
“Bad” is maybe the most reductive term you could possibly use right now, Doug.
Doug:
Yes. Sorry, I’m sure it’s... whatever the right word is. I’m sure it’s that.
Bertbert:
Total catastrophe. That’s where I would start, Doug. Though, even that doesn’t quite capture the magic. And yet... Last night there was partying in the streets. There were fireworks. Raxius became the happiest place I’ve ever seen, when it’s usually described as the “ass end” of the Triad. And I found that odd... I also found it odd that I began to hear rumors. Rumors that all of this— this total catastrophe— had something to do with a weird little town up in the mountains where people are pretending to be Earthlings... Yesterday I was in Raxius on business. Last night I learned that I live here now. And I’ll never be going anywhere again... I was never a big fan of my home world, Doug, but I have to say I am a bit miffed to find that I’ll never be going back there again... So, I suppose the thing in particular that I’m looking for is... an explanation, Doug.
Doug:
... Anything else in particular that you’re looking for?
Bertbert:
... Salt and vinegar chips.
Doug:
Aisle three.
Bertbert:
Thanks.
Doug’s phone starts vibrating.
Doug:
Uh... Hello?
Eldin:
(In Doug’s phone.) Hello, Doug.
Doug:
Why are you calling me? Why aren’t you just talking through my phone?
Eldin:
I’m attempting to be clandestine, Doug. Just act natural.
Doug:
Oh. Ok, I’m acting natural.
Eldin:
Doug, people who are acting natural don’t say so out loud.
Doug:
Sorry.
Eldin:
Try and get her name.
Doug:
Okay... So, I didn’t catch your name.
Bertbert:
Bertiluna... you can call me BertBert.
Eldin:
Well hello there, boss. Doug. Do me a favor and see if you can direct her over to the Sheep’s Eye would you?
Doug:
Sure.
At deidre’s house, verge walks out onto the porch lighting a cigarette.
Eldin:
Verge.
Verge:
Good evening, Eldin.
Eldin:
BertBert is here.
Verge:
... What?
Eldin:
She just walked into the Shop and Go, now she’s headed for The Sheep’s Eye.
Verge:
Leif told us there was no BertBert in this universe.
Eldin:
That appears to be a faulty assumption on his part. I can’t connect to the wider network anymore, but from what I can gather from local databases: this particular BertBert never left home on a Sinder, which is where she would’ve met Leif. This BertBert went straight into working for the Undersignal and has been there for years. A few days ago she showed up on Rax Prime working on a story, and then...
Verge:
And then the entire Triad collapsed.
Eldin:
And now she’s here permanently, and very upset about it. She seems to think that our little town had something to do with the warp gates coming down. Can’t imagine where she got such an idea.
Verge:
Okay... Uh...
Eldin:
Hard to know what to do in this situation, isn’t it?
Verge:
It really is.
Eldin:
We can’t possibly explain the ins and outs of our predicament, she would never believe us.
Verge:
But it’s also BertBert.
Eldin:
Which means she’ll keep digging no matter what.
Verge:
So are you trying to tell me that, because BertBert never met Leif at Sirius Station that one time, that led to Dark Leif?
Eldin:
Certainly emphasizes the importance of keeping your appointments, doesn’t it?
Verge:
What should we do?
Eldin:
Well, it’s entirely possible that this current BertBert knows Leif’s face even though she doesn’t know him. She’d be a poor reporter if she didn’t know the face of the most notorious pirate in the Triad.
Verge:
Oh.
Eldin:
Yes. She may think that we’re harboring the worst of the worst. So, until we come up with a more appropriate course of action, we should at least try and keep her occupied at the Sheep’s Eye so she doesn’t wander into Trinkett’s shop.
Verge:
Okay, sure... At least I know what I’m doing tonight.
Over at the sheep’s eye, Celeste and Steve are having a meeting.
Celeste:
So. After all is said and done I think it’s starting to get ridiculous to house my people in a barracks anymore. I think if we’ve got the room in town, we should find some houses for them.
Steve:
I say that’s no problem. I’ll talk to Doug and find them a place. It’s not like they’re going AWOL.
An alien, Shenzo, approaches them.
Shenzo:
Uh, excuse me. I’m looking for Steve?
Steve:
I’m Steve.
Shenzo:
Hi, um, I’m-
Steve:
Don’t tell me. Shenzo, right?
Shenzo:
Oh. Yeah.
Steve:
You’re from Bacoose.
Shenzo:
Yeah, wow.
Steve:
What can I do for you, Shenzo?
Shenzo:
I would like to audition.
Celeste:
Audition?
Steve:
I’m sorry?
Shenzo:
Do you guys do that here?
Steve:
Do what here, Shenzo?
Shenzo:
I play earth music.
Steve:
Oh.
Celeste:
Earth music.
Steve:
Earth music.
Celeste:
When was the last time we had live music here?
Steve:
TJ banned it, remember? He said live music gave him a headache.
Shenzo:
It’s not loud, I promise. It’s just me and my instrument.
Celeste:
There’s no harm in that.
Steve:
I guess not.
Celeste:
This isn’t the town in Footloose.
Steve:
No, no, I guess not.
Shenzo:
I love Earth music, I’ve been playing it since I was a kid. Let me just play a little bit for you. You can let me know what you think.
Steve:
I mean...
Celeste:
Why not?
Steve:
Why not? Okay, Shenzo, get up there and show us what you’ve got.
Shenzo:
Okay, great! Thank you so much.
Deidre:
Steve, what’s happening?
Steve:
Live music auditions.
Deidre:
Since when?
Steve:
Since right now, I guess.
Deidre:
Steve.
Steve:
What?
Celeste:
It was Steve’s idea, Deidre.
Steve:
Oh, come on.
Deidre:
Steve, what if he gets up there and then suddenly we’ve got people out the door wanting to play music here?
Steve:
That won’t happen.
Celeste:
Deidre, what if he’s really good?
Steve:
What if he’s really good, Deidre?
Shenzo is now up on stage. He starts playing a tuba.
Steve:
Huh.
Celeste:
Huh.
Deidre:
Steve, your guy appears to be playing a tuba.
Steve:
Yeah... Yeah, he’s playing a tuba, isn’t he?
Deidre:
Is this what you had in mind for live music?
Steve:
Uhh...
Celeste:
I don’t think anyone told him that the Tuba is more of a group instrument. Not a lot of soloists out there.
Steve:
That is the problem.
Bertbert enters and sees the tuba player.
Bertbert:
What the fuck?
Deidre:
Hey there, welcome to The Sheep’s Eye. What can I get you?
Bertbert:
Does that guy know you don’t play a tuba by yourself?
Deidre:
Let’s not tell him. He’s having a great time.
Bertbert:
Okay, sure. Nice place.
Deidre:
Thanks... I recognize you from somewhere, don’t I?
Bertbert:
Do you?
Verge:
(In Deidre’s phone.) Deidre?
Deidre:
One second... Hey, baby.
Verge:
Did a blue person just walk in?
Deidre:
Yeah, just now.
Verge:
Remember that video I showed you of my friend? She’s a journalist? BertBert?
Deidre:
Oh, right. That’s where I recognize her.
Verge:
We thought she didn’t exist in this universe, but there she is.
Deidre:
She doesn’t know you though?
Eldin:
Verge met her through Leif, so we’re assuming no.
Deidre:
Okay. Do I need to do something?
Verge:
I’m on my way over. Can you just do that thing where you charm the pants off of people?
Deidre:
I do a thing where I charm the pants off of people?
Verge:
I mean, my pants certainly came off.
Deidre:
Well, they’re not exactly hard to get off, are they?
Eldin:
(In Deidre’s phone.) OH MY GOD.
Deidre:
Sorry sorry sorry. Okay, I’ll keep her busy.
Steve:
Shenzo, that was great stuff, man.
Shenzo:
Thank you.
Steve:
I’ve never heard someone play the tuba like that.
Shenzo:
Well, technically it’s a sousaphone.
Steve:
Sure, sure. Here’s the thing, you’re all alone up there. You need some people around you, right? I think it’s time to get a band together.
Shenzo:
Yeah, I don’t think anyone wants a sousaphone in their band.
Steve:
You say that now, but have you ever experienced the magic that is Earth, Wind, and Fire?
Shenzo:
What’s Earth, Wind, and Fire?
Steve:
Come outside, let’s talk about it.
Deidre:
BertBert.
Bertbert:
That’s... Me.
Deidre:
I thought I recognized you. You’re a journalist, right?
Bertbert:
I am.
Celeste:
Hey, Deidre, can I get a white wine?
Deidre:
Sure.
Bertbert:
Uh, okay, what’s this about? You’re dressed like you’re in the army or something.
Celeste:
I am in the army or something.
Bertbert:
You mean you’re dressed like you’re in the army or something, but you couldn’t possibly be in the army, because this is a town full of people pretending to be Earthlings. Right?
Deidre:
Hey, Celeste, come here for a second.
They move further down the bar as doug enters.
Celeste:
What’s up?
Deidre:
Are we still doing the thing where we’re pretending to be pretending to be Earthlings?
Celeste:
Right. Are we still doing that?
Deidre:
I can’t remember.
Celeste:
Seems like after we beat the bad guys the rules got a little lax around here.
Deidre:
They did.
Celeste:
I mean... Slabz knows.
Deidre:
Obviously.
Steve enters.
Doug:
Hey, guys. Just so you know there’s some sort of reporter here in town and they’re asking a lot of questions.
Deidre:
Doug. Are we still pretending to be aliens pretending to be human?
Doug:
Um... yes.
Celeste:
Yes?
Doug:
No?
Deidre:
We can’t remember.
Doug:
... I feel like people stopped asking.
Celeste:
They did.
Steve:
Hey. I’m a music producer now. Just so y’all know.
Deidre:
Steve, are we still doing the plan?
Steve:
What do you mean?
Celeste:
Where we pretend to be aliens pretending to be Earthlings?
Steve:
Uh... Eldin?
Eldin:
... To be completely honest, I’ve lost track.
Steve:
Eldin, come on. You’re supposed to keep track of everything.
Eldin:
Pobody’s nerfect. Verge is here. Let’s let them do the talking for a while, shall we?
Deidre:
Great idea.
Verge walks in and sits down next to BertBert.
Verge:
Evening.
Bertbert:
... Hi.
Verge:
BertBert, right?
Bertbert:
Yes.
Verge:
I love your work.
Bertbert:
Thank you.
Verge:
I’m Verge.
Bertbert:
... Nice to meet you.
Verge:
You’re staring, BertBert.
Bertbert:
I’m sorry, I’ve never met a Vapian before.
Verge:
Here I am.
Bertbert:
... What the fuck is going on in this town?
Verge:
... Can I buy you a drink?
We move back to Leif’s trip through the astral plane. As he walks along the beach we see him pass by he and caspar’s first meeting at the diner. He suddenly stops walking when he sees a familiar face.
Leif:
I should’ve known you’d be hiding in here somewhere.
Even Older Leif:
Who me? I wasn’t hiding, kiddo, just giving you a little space is all. How’s the trip down memory lane?
Leif:
I can’t find what I’m looking for.
Even Older Leif:
Did you check between the couch cushions?
Leif:
I feel like I’ve cycled through every moment in my life so far, but there’s still one missing.
Even Older Leif:
Why don’t you have a seat for a while? Maybe you’re working too hard. Forest for the trees, and all that.
Leif:
I’m kind of in a hurry.
Even Older Leif:
Buster, how are you in a hurry in a place where time doesn’t exist?
Leif:
... Not a bad point.
Leif sits with even older leif on the beach.
Even Older Leif:
Beautiful place.
Leif:
Yeah.
Even Older Leif:
Reminds me of Dennona. Remember Dennona?
Leif:
Oh yeah. What was that, point three Gs?
Even Older Leif:
Point 2. You walked around, light as a feather. There was always music in the air.
Leif:
Couldn’t stay too long though.
Even Older Leif:
The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.
Leif:
Not unlike the past.
Even Older Leif:
... I forgive you.
Leif:
For what?
Even Older Leif:
You know for what.
Leif:
... I’m sorry I built the cowcatcher.
Even Older Leif:
I forgive you.
Leif:
I don’t know how, but it seemed like the only thing to do.
Even Older Leif:
It’s in our nature, Leif. Fixing problems, that what engineers do. The problem isn’t in fixing problems, the problem is in what you do and don’t call a problem.
Leif:
Krok is definitely a problem.
Even Older Leif:
So is the cowcatcher, Leif. You can’t fix a problem with a problem.
Leif:
Leif, this problem can’t be solved by a page from “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” This problem is too big. If this guy goes unchecked, he could fuck up an entire universe. All I had to work with were some really bad ideas.
Even Older Leif:
That’s not all you had, Leif. You’ve always had more than that.
Leif:
...
Even Older Leif:
Let me give you some advice. The kind of advice that can only be given to you by a dead guy.
Leif:
What?
Even Older Leif:
Everything is always alright.
Leif:
... Really? Everything?
Even Older Leif:
Really sucks the drama out of a moment when you say it, but... Everything.
Leif:
... Well, I’ll keep that in mind.
Even Older Leif:
Good. Now, you better get a move on, kiddo. Time’s not a-wastin’.
Leif:
I don’t know where to go at this point. I feel like I’ve been walking for days.
Even Older Leif:
This place loves to tell you a story. Let it tell you a story.
Leif:
What do you mean?
Even Older Leif:
A story like “A foreboding island, just barely visible on the horizon.”
Leif:
(Looking out on the horizon.) ... Oh come on, what is that place?
Even Older Leif:
Looks like a foreboding island, just barely visible on the horizon. Might be the place you’re looking for.
Leif:
Well, what am I supposed to do? Swim there?
Even Older Leif:
No, you can’t swim there. Remember, the water is what could happen, the shore is what’s already happened. You don’t want to get lost in the sea of possibilities.
Leif:
Then what do I do?
Even Older Leif:
Hark, what’s that I see there? A simple row boat to navigate these troubled waters?
Leif:
(Seeing a row boat.) ... A row boat?
Even Older Leif:
Looks like it.
Leif:
I’m supposed to row all the way out to that island?
Even Older Leif:
You got something better to do?
Leif:
... The astral plane sucks.
Even Older Leif:
It’s not built for wusses, kiddo.
Leif:
... Can’t be any worse than Quilandis, I guess... It’s good to see you again, Old Man.
Even Older Leif:
Bon Voyage.
Leif walks toward the row boat.
Even Older Leif:
Leif?
Leif:
Yeah?
Even Older Leif:
Everything is always alright.
Leif:
Yeah...
Leif climbs into the row boat and begins rowing. As he disappears into the rolling waves We move back to the sheep’s eye. Verge is in the middle of lying their ass off.
Bertbert:
So, I’ll be honest, I thought the whole “four-arms” thing was some sort of racist demonization tactic.
Verge:
Nope. Four arms.
Bertbert:
But I’m assuming you don’t have poisonous teeth, worship a death god, and can turn into a pool of black sludge on command.
Verge:
Those are definitely racist myths. But, hey, if wishing made it so.
Bertbert:
... Everyone is very calm.
Verge:
What do you mean?
Bertbert:
Verge. Do you like it here in this weird little town?
Verge:
I do.
Bertbert:
Good, because you’re stuck here.
Verge:
Right.
Bertbert:
The world of The Triad that we all know and love just disappeared in the blink of an eye.
Verge:
I heard the news.
Bertbert:
I can’t imagine the chaos that’s ensued on other planets. Here?... It’s like it hasn’t even happened. Or it’s like...
Verge:
Like it was a good thing?
Bertbert:
Yes.
Verge:
Maybe to people on Raxius it is. This planet, this whole quadrant has been getting the shitty end of The Triad ever since... Well, ever since my planet turned into a black hole... You’ve been reporting on The Triad your whole life. You know what it’s like out there for planets that get the short end of the stick. Everyone out there worries about the end of the world without asking themselves if the world deserved to exist in the first place. When an empire falls, there’s always an after party somewhere.
Bertbert:
People are going to suffer out there, Verge. It’s the greatest crime ever committed.
Verge:
What’s the crime before the crime?
Bertbert:
... You know what else is strange?... I’m sitting here in this bar with a Vapian, and nobody’s giving you dirty looks. In fact, everyone around here seems to really like you.
Verge:
What’s not to like?
Bertbert:
... What happened to The Triad, Verge?
Verge:
... Let’s have another drink.
three aliens walk into the bar.
Deidre:
Hey y’all. Have a seat anywhere.
Götz:
We have not come to sit.
Bam-Bam:
We wish to speak to the one who is Steve.
Ignatz:
We have an urgent matter we wish to discuss.
Deidre:
Oh. Wow. Okay. Uh, Steve?
Steve:
What’s up?
Deidre:
These people-
Götz:
Greetings to you, Steve. I am Götz. These are my collaborators, Ignatz, and Bam-Bam.
Steve:
Nice to meet y’all. What can I do for you?
Bam-Bam:
We have come here to mark the beginning of the party.
Ignatz:
The party, it must be started.
Götz:
Indeed.
Steve:
Uh... I’m sorry?
Götz:
Steve, our interest in your establishment was aroused when it became known to us that you are seeking musical entertainment.
Steve:
Oh, you’re musicians?
Bam-Bam:
Steve thinks we are musicians.
Ignatz:
We are beyond music.
Bam-Bam:
We are beyond music, Steve.
Steve:
You’re... not musicians?
Götz:
Steve. We are DasFonkyBeats and we have come to ensure that your tracks have the appropriate level of dankness.
Steve:
Dankness?
Bam-Bam:
We will show you our work.
Ignatz:
It shall astound you.
Götz:
Please direct us to the designated area for musical interpretations.
Steve:
Y’all, listen. We just had a guy come in here with a tuba and he wanted to play us some music. We didn’t mean to put the word out there that we were looking for musicians.
Ignatz:
Our work frightens him.
Bam-Bam:
His fear is delicious.
Götz:
Steve, we have no wish to be an imposition, but if you allow DasFonkyBeats to play at your establishment, the roof will be raised in an upward direction.
Steve:
You’ll... raise the roof?
Götz:
That is correct. And I think you will find that each track has been effectively raised to banger status.
Steve:
Uh, yeah, okay. Maybe just one song?
Ignatz:
Steve believes he can only hear one song.
Bam-Bam:
Steve will soon learn that DasFonkyBeats has precisely zero skips.
Götz:
Prepare yourself, Steve.
Steve:
Sure, okay.
Deidre:
How’s it going over there?
Verge:
Listen, I’m no slouch when it comes to lying my ass off, but I happen to be sitting across from the most sensitive bullshit detector in The Triad. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
Deidre:
I mean, maybe you should just tell her.
Verge:
Tell her what? Everything?
Deidre:
Why not?
Verge:
I should tell her we’re on a magical traveling mountain, and we just popped in to bring the world crashing down on her head, and by the way, we’re going to fuck off to another dimension in a month?
Deidre:
Maybe don’t put it exactly like that.
Verge:
She’d never believe me.
Deidre:
Believing it or not is her job. Telling her the truth is yours... Look, I know this isn’t your BertBert, but she’s still your friend. You’d want her to tell you the truth, right?
Verge:
... Why do I want to tear your clothes off even more when you say the kind and wholesome things?
Deidre:
I’m not sure, but we should really explore that with a mental health professional, don’t you think?
Verge:
Should we?
Deidre:
Or a bottle of wine. One of the two.
Dasfonkybeats begins playing a kraftwerk inspired techno song about hover-bikes.
Götz:
Good evening. We are DasFonkyBeats. Please begin to groove to our composition entitled Das Schwebe-Fahrrad Fantastisch.
Dasfonkybeats:
System check.Power source: Active.Magnetic field: Stabilized.Lift: Engaged.Chrome frame.Polished steel.No friction.No wheel.Zero contact.Air gap.Silent motion.Circuit map.Das Schwebe-Fahrrad.The Hover-Bike.Das Schwebe-Fahrrad.The Hover-Bike.I enjoy my hover bike.Glide.Glide.Glide.Magnetic levitation.Linear flow.Urban navigation.Steady glow.Above the asphalt.Above the street.Technology perfected.The circuit complete.Das Schwebe-Fahrrad.The Hover-Bike.Das Schwebe-Fahrrad.The Hover-Bike.Do you enjoy my hover bike?Glide.Glide.Glide.Velocity: Ten.Velocity: Twenty.Velocity: Thirty.Altitude: Constant.Friction: Zero.Resistance: Null.Man.Machine.Hover-Bike.Floating...Floating...Floating...System shutdown.
The crowd goes wild. We move back to trinkett’s shop. Frank and June are watching swamp thing.
Frank:
I’m going to say attractive.
June:
Andrienne Barbeau?
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
Yeah?
Frank:
It’s nice to feel like a woman can open a beer bottle with her teeth.
June:
It is a very impressive jawline, isn’t it?
Eldin:
Frank?
Frank:
What’s up Eldin?
Eldin:
I’m monitoring the vital signs for Leif and Trinkett, and I’m a bit concerned.
June:
What’s wrong?
Eldin:
Leif is fairly stable but Trinkett has an increased heart rate and very chaotic activity in her brain.
Frank:
What should we do?
Eldin:
I don’t have a visual on them, how does she look?
June:
She’s not levitating.
Frank:
Eldin, she’s not levitating.
Eldin:
Yes. Thank you. How is her breathing?
June:
She’s breathing.
Frank:
Eldin, she’s breathing.
Eldin:
Yes, I’m sure she’s breathing. Is her breathing labored at all?
Frank:
I don’t think so.
Eldin:
Alright.
Trinkett:
... Frank.
Frank:
Oh, shit. Eldin, I think she’s coming out of it. Trinkett?
June:
Trinkett, we’re right here.
Trinkett:
Okay... I’m... This is hard. I’m in... two places at once right now... it’s hard to concentrate.
Frank:
Trinkett, Eldin is concerned about your brain or something.
Trinkett:
I think... I think I may be in a little trouble.
Eldin:
Trinkett, what seems to be the problem?
Trinkett:
...
Frank:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
... He was a little kid living the the forest... His parents lived without a lot of things, but he’d find bits and pieces from time to time... A broken coffee machine, an abandoned toy, an old lamp... These things would talk to him... “I can be something so wonderful,” they would say...
Frank:
What is she talking about?
Eldin:
These are Leif’s memories. She’s trying to synthesize them somehow.
Trinkett:
... He had to hide it all from his parents at first. He knew how they would feel... They taught a child that the most beautiful part of him was ugly and wrong. A thing that should be hidden... But it got harder and harder to hide, even though he learned to be ashamed of it... So, he did what every young person does: “This thing you say I should be ashamed of... I’ll embrace it. And I won’t care what you’ll say about it.”... But then... Then his mother got sick... The things he made, they made her sick... He didn’t know why, nobody knew why...
June:
What is she talking about?
Eldin:
Leif’s mother suffered from a psychosomatic condition called Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity. In essence, she believed herself to be allergic to technology.
Trinkett:
... It broke his heart... The one thing he was meant to do was hurting the only person he cared for... In his quietest moments, only to himself, he would admit that he never wanted to leave home... He loved it there in the forest... But he couldn’t hurt his mother anymore...
Frank:
Eldin, what are we supposed to do here?
Trinkett:
He said to himself, “I’ll leave home... And I promise to never be at home... If I ever found another home, it would be betrayal...”
Eldin:
I’m getting a clearer picture now. The amount of neural activity she’s experiencing— she should’ve been killed by a brain hemorrhage an hour ago. But the unusual amount Space Foot coursing through her system is able to repair the damage as it happens. However, even that is getting outstripped at this point. We need to somehow relieve the burden.
June:
I’m going to try something.
Frank:
What?
June:
Trinkett... Trinkett, can you hear me?
Trinkett:
June...
June:
Trinkett, in middle school Frank and I called you Bavmorda.
Frank:
June.
June:
Shh. Bavmorda was the evil witch from the movie Willow, and that’s what we called you. That was mean, Trinkett. And a lot of people made fun of you in middle school, and we shouldn’t have. I’ve always felt bad about that, and I want to say I’m sorry.
Frank:
June, I don’t think that’s what Eldin is talking about.
Eldin:
That... is helping.
June:
Right?
Frank:
You’re kidding me.
Eldin:
I’m not sure why, but it’s bringing some relief to her systems.
June:
Frankie, get in here.
Frank:
What do you mean, get in here?
June:
Come say something.
Frank:
Say what?
June:
I don’t know. Think about it like a hot air balloon. She’s got too much shit in there, and we need to toss some things out of the basket. What have you got? Say something.
Frank:
I don’t know what to say.
June:
Frank. I am going to give you noogies for the rest of your life. Say something.
Frank:
Fine! Fine, uh, okay... Trinkett... I like the tea.
June:
Oh, come on.
Frank:
Hey, back off... I like the tea. I didn’t want to like the tea, I don’t like that I like the tea... But thank you for the tea.
Eldin:
... And somehow, that is helping.
Frank:
What’s going on?
Eldin:
I’m unsure, but apparently an emotional unburdening is helping either Trinkett or the Space Foot. Try it again.
Frank:
Again?
June:
I don’t have another one, do you?
Frank:
I didn’t know I had the last one in me.
Eldin:
She’s still not out of the woods.
June:
Okay. I know what we’re going to do.
We cut back to the sheep’s eye.
June:
(In Verge’s tangle.) VERGE!
Verge:
What the fuck?! June?
June:
All hands on deck at Trinkett’s place! Move it!
Verge:
What’s happening?
June:
Get everybody over here right now!
Verge:
Why?
June:
Verge, get your alien buns over here right now!
Verge:
Okay. Fuck.
Bertbert:
What’s going on?
Verge:
It’s probably nothing. I’ll be right back.
Bertbert:
Okay.
Verge:
Deidre.
Deidre:
What’s going on?
Verge:
We all need to get over to Trinkett’s. Doug, Steve, Celeste, let’s go.
Celeste:
What are we doing?
Doug:
Is everything okay?
Verge:
June wants all of us over at Trinkett’s.
Steve:
Who’s going to watch the bar?
Verge:
Who cares? Come on.
They all exit the bar and make their way across the street.
Deidre:
Did she say what’s happening?
Verge:
She said, “all hands on deck.”
Celeste:
What did she mean by that?
Steve:
Maybe it’s a surprise party.
Doug:
It doesn’t feel like a surprise party.
They open the door and walk into Trinkett’s shop.
Verge:
What’s happening?
Deidre:
What’s wrong?
Doug:
This looks weird.
June:
We’re all going to sit down in a circle and say nice things about Trinkett.
Steve:
This is the emergency?
Verge:
This doesn’t feel like an emergency.
June:
It’s an emergency!
Frank:
Guys, just get in here, okay?
Eldin:
Listen, everyone. Trinkett is in some sort of fugue state brought on by the process she’s taking Leif through. It’s very taxing on her and June has discovered that her symptoms can be relieved through... I don’t even know what the word is.
June:
Guys, you know what I mean. All the woo woo shit that Trinkett loves, we’re going to sit in circle and lay it on her.
Steve:
Even Frank?
Frank:
I already went.
Steve:
We don’t get to hear Frank’s?
Doug:
Could he do it again?
Frank:
Sit down, god damn it.
June:
Okay, who’s going first?
Deidre:
I’ll totally go first.
June:
Go for it, Deidre.
Deidre:
Okay... Trinkett... You were the first person I told that I was in love with Verge. And through the years, any time I was feeling confused or emotional, I always found myself over here, and you always listened to me and then gave me a rock or some tea or something. But it wasn’t about any of that. It was just that you listened to me and you would always believe every word that came out of my mouth. It’s always been really important to me.
June:
Eldin?
Eldin:
I absolutely hate it, but it’s working.
June:
Someone else.
Celeste:
Uh, Trinkett, you always were great to help me with my migraines. Aaaaand you weren’t very judgey when it turned out I was working at a secret military base. Aaand you were very supportive when I began dating a... spikey mercenary.
Steve:
Alright, tag me in... Trinkett. I’m pretty sure that one time your bike got stolen, it was by two guys I had just sold meth to. I’ve always felt really bad about that.
Frank:
Steve, I don’t think that’s what we’re looking for.
Eldin:
No, that’s working.
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
Steve:
Nice. Who’s next?
Deidre:
Baby, say something.
Verge:
Okay, uh... Trinkett, I deliberately don’t learn about my planet. I try not to look back. I hang onto bits and pieces, but... Apparently people like you were very important on my planet. There’s some sort of saying about paths up a mountain, Eldin?
Eldin:
The shaman and the scientist are two paths up the same mountain.
Verge:
That’s it... Anyway, I get it now. You made me understand that.
Doug:
Trinkett, I think what all of us are trying to say is that... When we come in here and see you, we never have to be anything other than ourselves. No matter who we are or how we’re feeling, you always meet us where we are... I, personally don’t know what I’d do without you. I don’t think any of us do.
June:
Fuck yeah, guys. Good shit. Eldin?
Eldin:
She appears to have stabilized.
The door swings open and BertBert enters the shop.
Verge:
BertBert.
Bertbert:
Hi.
Verge:
I’m sure this looks... Fuck me, I have no idea how this looks.
Bertbert:
What the fuck is he doing here?
Verge:
Shit.
Bertbert:
What the fuck is this?
Verge:
I can explain.
Bertbert:
Can you?
Verge:
... Honestly, not really.
Bertbert closes the door and walks away from the shop.
Verge:
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Well, at least there’s no authorities for her to go to. I’m going to go after her.
Deidre:
I’ll come with you.
Verge and deidre exit.
June:
Who’s the blue lady?
Outside on the street, verge and deidre try and stop bertbert from storming off.
Verge:
BertBert!
Bertbert:
No, thank you.
Verge:
I know how it must look.
Bertbert:
Do you? I certainly don’t know how it looks. I just walked in there it was like a drum circle around a man who is literally king of the motherfuckers. What is he doing here?
Verge:
It’s not him.
Bertbert:
Yes, it is.
Deidre:
It kind of is.
Verge:
Honey.
Bertbert:
I’m trying to figure out why three galaxies just shit themselves, and I walk into your little shop-with-an-e over there, and you’re housing the most wanted man in The Triad? Things are adding up.
Verge:
You have no idea how much they aren’t adding up.
Bertbert:
Did you have anything to do with the warp gates coming down? Yes or no?
Verge:
No.
Deidre:
Yes.
Verge:
Deidre.
Deidre:
No, we did... We did. We’re going to tell BertBert the truth.
Verge:
Baby-
Deidre:
BertBert, my name is Deidre. I’m an Earthling. We all are. Except for Verge... I mean, there’s also Frank. What are we calling Frank these days?
Verge:
No idea.
Deidre:
And I guess Trinkett is not exactly a human anymore... Is this too much information up front?
Verge:
Definitely.
Deidre:
Look, never mind that. This mountain is called Mt. Hood. It’s a mountain from Earth. Every few months it moves.
Bertbert:
... Moves.
Deidre:
Yes. It moves. It moves to a random time and place.
Bertbert:
Uh huh.
Deidre:
And a few months ago we showed up here, which is already complicated, but it was even more complicated, because this time Leif was with us. He showed up randomly and he doesn’t remember how. He’s not the Leif from this universe he’s the Leif from another universe.
Bertbert:
It’s so amazing that you think you’re explaining something right now.
Eldin begins playing an old recording from Verge’s tangle.
Bertbert:
(Recording.) That’s what I’ve learned from you. People are too complicated to ever be one thing. You’re a criminal, Leif. And you’re a hero. You’re a genius. And you’re also an idiot. You’re my enemy. You’re my friend. I hate you, Leif. And I love you. All those things are true... You spend a lot of time being torn between this guy and that guy and the other guy... I hope one day you realize, it’s just one guy. All those things are true.
Bertbert:
What the fuck was that?
Eldin:
Hello, BertBert. My name is Eldin. I’m Verge’s tangle.
Bertbert:
... Eldin is the name of Murphy Brown’s house painter.
Eldin:
Yes. You named me. I was given to Verge by you.
Bertbert:
What the fuck is happening?
Eldin:
BertBert, to you we are an assemblage of very odd strangers. But to a few of us you are a very important person. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to take the time to explain to you why. I’ll present you with all the corroborating evidence I can.
Deidre:
... Can I get you a drink?
Late into the evening. In trinkett’s shop, Leif finally wakes up.
Leif:
... Whoa.
Trinkett:
Hey.
Leif:
Hey.
Trinkett:
How are you feeling?
Leif:
... That was wild.
Trinkett:
Right?
Leif:
Are you okay?
Trinkett:
It was touch and go there for a minute, but I’m going to be okay.
Leif:
Good.
Trinkett:
Did you find what you were looking for?
Leif:
I did... It wasn’t what I was expecting.
Trinkett:
What did you learn?
Leif:
... That everything’s always alright.
Trinkett:
I like it... Leif?
Leif:
... Would you happen to know what the word “ Ozpinhead” means?
Trinkett:
Ozpinhead? No, that’s a new one.
Leif:
Okay....
Trinkett:
Take some time. It’ll be a while before you can talk about it.
Leif:
Yeah it’s... It’s a lot.
Trinkett:
In the meantime, a friend of yours stopped by.
Leif:
A friend of mine?
Trinkett:
She’s waiting outside.
Leif gets up and walks outside. BertBert and verge are waiting.
Verge:
Let me play you my favorite one. Eldin, play the one from Moog.
Bertbert:
(From the tangle.) Oh hi. Oh hi, Leif. How are you? Since you’re still ignoring my messages I thought I would just leave you with my LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT since I am about to DIE! To you I leave NOTHING BUT MY SCORN.I am a fucking prisoner awaiting fucking execution!In case you’re wondering if that’s a metaphor for something: IT IS NOT.I am a fucking prisoner of the fucking Science Priests of fucking Moog!They are about to goddamn kill me in some goddamn “cleansing ceremony.”So, if for some reason you have decided to stop being a dickhead and check your messages, this is me saying “Get. Me. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here.” I am temporarily suspending my judgement of your criminal behavior TEMPORARILY. I am temporarily suspending it so that you can, in defiance of however many laws, break into the Temple of Enlightenment on Moog and save me from whatever killing machine I am headed towards. If you have a problem doing that, try pretending I am a huge pile of money and STEAL ME, maybe that will help.
Bertbert:
What the fuck was I doing on Moog?
Verge:
We never asked, but it was a special moment for me. It was where you killed your first bad guy, BertBert.
Bertbert:
Aw, that’s sweet.
Verge:
It warms my hearts.
Leif:
Berts?
Bertbert:
Oh, hi. If it isn’t my best friend in the whole wide world.
Leif:
What are you doing here?
Bertbert:
What are any of you doing here, Leif?
Leif:
Oh, shit... You were on Rax Prime?
Bertbert:
I was.
Leif:
Oh, shit.
Bertbert:
You couldn’t have waited until I was on Nēsso?
Leif:
I’m assuming they let you know that I wasn’t the biggest shit head in the Triad?
Bertbert:
Yes, they’ve informed me that you’re a whole other shithead.
Leif:
Great. How much of that do you believe?
Bertbert:
... I’m not sure how to answer that, Leif. Today I discovered that there are only so many weird things someone can encounter in a given day. Eventually things just start washing over you. But also I’m a little drunk. And it has been a nice distraction from the fact that the entire system has gone dark and I’ll never talk to my friends and family again. Regardless of any of this nonsense, I’m pretty sure I have you to blame for that, don’t I?
Leif:
It might not be dark for long.
Bertbert:
Oh really? Why?
Leif:
You didn’t tell her?
Verge:
No, I saved that for you.
Leif:
Okay. Sun’s coming up. I’ll explain on the way.
Bertbert:
On the way where?
Leif:
Ever seen a Mungo before?
Bertbert:
Excuse me?
We move to the other side of the mountain. We hear the call of the Mungo as it lumbers through the trees.
Leif:
... So the initial probe is just the start. The Truskans are working on another one right now. It should launch in about a week. That one will travel in the opposite direction of the first one, and Geegaa is improving the comms array with every launch. Pretty soon there should be a network of these probes throughout the whole Triad. Ideally, there will always be one nearby. And real time communication was always rare in the Traid anyway.
Bertbert:
That solves the communication problem, but that’s not the whole problem.
Leif:
The Triad is going to figure out faster-than-light travel, it’s just a matter of time. You’re in the perfect place for it now. Before these probes, faster-than-light was a science problem, now it’s just an engineering problem. That’s where you want to be. There’s some great people out there who I think can crack it. The problem is, the Teds effectively banned FTL research because they didn’t want people to have options to a warp gate. There’s a game called Zomcon. All the rogue scientists working on FTL hang out on the game’s message boards. Look for a guy named Sign My Shovel, also Banh Mi Hung, The Slim Reaper, and Scooter, Worshiper of the the Seven Cat Gods. They’ll be the ones to crack it.
Bertbert:
I cannot wait for those names to be in the history books.
Leif:
I know, it’s ridiculous.
Bertbert:
So this is your grand design for the Triad?
Leif:
Did you have a better idea?
Bertbert:
Maybe a plan that doesn’t involve this much rampant destruction? A just version of the Triad wasn’t impossible, Leif. People who want to burn things to the ground never have a plan for after the fires burn out.
Leif:
Look, this was always the argument with you and me. You were always trying to bend the Triad towards justice, and I was always trying to break it... I broke it, Berts. What are you going to do now?
Bertbert:
What do you expect me to do now? What is there to do?
Leif:
Look past the crisis and see the opportunity.
Bertbert:
The opportunity? Jesus Christ.
Leif:
I’m serious.
Bertbert:
There’s too much crisis to look past, Leif. The whole Triad is crisis right now.
Leif:
Alright, this is going to sound a little crazy-
Bertbert:
Oh? This? This one thing?
Leif:
I was in another universe where the Teds were defeated. It was a long and bloody war, but they were defeated. The leader that defeated them?... Bertiluna Restiana, Chancellor of the New Coalition.
Bertbert:
... Fuck you, dude.
Leif:
I’m not kidding... It used to infuriate me how you would go through life as if you could complain to the manager.
Bertbert:
And I’m sure it infuriated me that you had such a childish and reductive opinion of my life.
Leif:
That’s actually exactly how you felt. But the point I’m trying to make is... There’s no manager. Be the manager. If you wait around for someone else to do it, they’re probably going to be the wrong one for the job. What if it’s you? What if we... Goddamnit... What if we make the world?
Bertbert:
So you make a huge mess and I clean it up, is that it?
Leif:
It’s not my fault I excel at one and not the other.
Bertbert:
... I’m going to go feed this Mungo now.
Leif:
Okay. His name is Lucian Thunderstruck.
Bertbert:
I’m not calling him that.
Leif:
Okay. Then what are you going to do?
Bertbert:
... I think you’re mostly full of shit, Leif... But only mostly full of shit.
Leif:
I can work with that.
Bertbert walks off toward the mungo.
Leif:
Hey, do you know what the word “ Ozpinhead” means?
Bertbert:
That’s not a word.
We move back to the sheep’s eye where another band is playing.
June:
These guys are good. Steve, who are these guys?
Steve:
Sub-Arctic Turtle.
Trinkett:
I like the live music, Steve. This was a good idea.
Steve:
Thanks, Trinkett.
Celeste:
You know, I play the theremin.
Doug:
Good news, everyone. We have officially housed all of the aliens looking for a home, as well as all of the people from the military base. Everyone’s got a roof over their head.
Celeste:
Thank you, Doug.
June:
Nice work, Doug.
Frank:
Now we just need to tell them that the entire mountain is going to move in a month.
Doug:
Oh. Right. I’m going to need another list.
Deidre comes over with a tray of drinks.
Deidre:
Okay, drinks for everybody.
Steve:
So, is Leif still hanging out with his blue friend?
Verge:
Yeah, they like to go round and round, those two.
Leif enters the bar.
Leif:
Hey, guys.
Trinkett:
There he is. Where’s your friend, Leif?
Leif:
She had some thinking to do. I appreciate you all handling that situation while I was busy traversing the astral plane.
Deidre:
It was fun.
Verge:
It was fun.
June:
Speaking of which. Spill the beans, Leif. What did you see in your visions? Was Elvis there?
Frank:
Was Caesar there?
June:
Did you commune with the celestial wombat?
Frank:
What did the celestial wombat say, Leif?
June:
Was his voice like the sound of the wind?
Verge:
What the fuck are you two talking about?
Trinkett:
Yeah, guys, shut up. Leif?
Leif:
... Does anyone know what the word “ Ozpinhead” means?
Eldin/Deidre:
It’s from the wizard of Oz.
Deidre:
Sorry.
Eldin:
No, go ahead, Deidre, I have an unfair advantage.
Leif:
It’s from the Wizard of Oz?
Deidre:
The book, not the movie. Let me see if I can remember this: Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs. That was the full name of the Wizard. He said it was funny that his initials spelled out “ Ozpinhead.”
Steve:
It’s so crazy that you know that.
Celeste:
Why is that funny?
Leif:
The wizard?
Deidre:
Yeah... What?
Leif:
... Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Goddamn it, Ava.
Trinkett:
Who’s Ava?
Eldin:
Leif, is there something you’d like to share with us?
Leif:
Yeah. But before all that... Regardless of how I got here, I got dropped into the exact place that I needed to be. With all of you. You know, all of these places— these flying mountains, and traveling diners. They're incredibly powerful. Maybe the most powerful things in any universe. But they're useless without people. You guys have just started this journey and I've been doing this for a really long time. There's lots of adventure and danger and mystery, but it's nothing compared to the people that I've met. Even the people I met that were me. When I look back, I think about the people... Thanks for being my people for a while.
June:
Oh god, skip to the end.
Trinkett:
June.
Frank:
Yeah, that’s very nice, Leif, but get to the good stuff, please.
Leif:
Okay... so there I was on the outskirts of Triangulum, and I had just launched a doomsday device...
Later that night. Verge exits the sheep’s eye lighting a cigarette. BertBert is outside.
Bertbert:
Those are very bad for you, you know.
Verge:
I can’t quit now, I look too cool.
Bertbert:
Agreed.
Verge:
How was your day?
Bertbert:
I fed a Mungo and I met somebody named Tarvok?
Verge:
Oh yeah.
Bertbert:
What is that guy’s deal?
Verge:
I have no idea. He’s a very strange man. Makes incredible knives, though.
Bertbert:
... So, you and I are friends?
Verge:
For the longest time, you were my only friend.
Bertbert:
So we’re just a couple of friends out here talking.
Verge:
Sure.
Bertbert:
So, tell me, friend. What should I do with all this? There was a point about twelve hours ago that I reached my maximum capacity for batshit insanity, and now I’m in a zen-like state, wondering what to do with it all.
Verge:
Well, we’re here for another month or so. You should spend some time with us. It’s going to be a busy month. You’ll learn a lot... Somebody should tell this story. They should know about this place. They should know that places like this exist. Despite how cynical they may be, they should know that the universe, in it’s own strange way, smiles upon them.
Eldin:
Verge. I’ve pinpointed the address.
Bertbert:
Why is it going to be a busy month?
Eldin:
We’re going to war.
Bertbert:
What?
Eldin:
Leif will explain it. I need to make a call.
Verge walks out into the street.
Verge:
Okay, Eldin.
Eldin:
This will take a while. The message will have to hitch a ride on a probe, then get deposited on the right comms node in Triangulum. Then I’ve written protocols to have the message transmitted to the unlisted node.
Verge:
Okay.
Eldin:
Speak whenever you’re ready.
Verge:
... Hey Verge... don't bother trying to find me, I won't be here for long. There's really no way to explain this message to you, so I'm just going to talk and you're just going to listen, and you can do what you like. If you are still out there, the world probably just came down on your head. But if there's anyone who can make it through all that, it's you. There was a point in my life when a friend reached out to me and told me there was something better out there. And it occurs to me that I can't just hope that happens to you, too. I might have to be that voice for you. So here goes... One day, after the dust settles, probably sooner than you think, you're going to be able to travel again. And when you can, you'll probably think to yourself, “Alright, well, where is the next unstable unicorn?” Instead of doing that, though, I think you should give something a try. On Earth, there's a mountain called Mount Hood. A nice big one, like the one you're supposed to be living on. And on that mountain is a strange little town called Hood's Pocket. And in that town is a bar. The kind you like. You should walk inside that bar. Behind that bar might be a friendly face. You might look at that friendly face and see the rest of your life, like I did. You probably don’t know you deserve to be loved. So I thought I’d call you and tell you... Good luck out there... Vapus Vella.
We begin to hear the sound of a lake and waves lapping against the sides of a small boat.
Deidre:
Okay, I’m about to bring up the sail. Are you ready?... Verge?
Verge:
I’m going to be honest with you, I’m freaking out right now.
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
I am.
Deidre:
Because we’re on a boat?
Verge:
I think so.
Deidre:
Verge.
Verge:
I know.
Deidre:
That’s ridiculous.
Verge:
I know.
Deidre:
Are you scared of the water?
Verge:
Maybe?
Deidre:
You didn’t know this about yourself?
Verge:
Obviously not.
Deidre:
You fly spaceships around.
Verge:
Correct.
Deidre:
This is a small sailboat on a very shallow lake.
Verge:
I’m not saying it makes sense.
Deidre:
Okay, I would be concerned for you but it’s way too adorable.
Verge:
Deidre.
Deidre:
Come here.
Verge:
I don’t think I can move.
Deidre:
Okay, just pretend that the six foot deep water is the void of space and you’ll feel much safer.
Verge:
Very funny.
Deidre:
Come here. Come sit between my legs.
Verge:
Fucking hell.
Deidre:
You can do it.
Verge takes a few steps to the back of the boat.
Verge:
Going to die. Going to die.
Verge makes it to the back of the boat and sits between Deidre’s legs.
Deidre:
There you go.
Verge:
That felt like a million miles.
Deidre:
You are now safe.
Verge:
What happens next?
Deidre:
Next, I’m going to pull this rope and that will bring up the sail. Then the wind will pick up and it will carry us across the water. And even though the wind is just taking this tiny sailboat across a small lake... you’re going to feel free. Freer than you’ve ever felt. You’re going to feel like you can go anywhere. It’s just you and the wind and the sky... Are you ready?
Verge:
... I’m ready.
Deidre:
... Here we go.
Deidre pulls the rope as we move forward in time. At the base of the mountain, a crowd has gathered for the “big day”.
Bertbert:
This is BertBert broadcasting on The Undersignal... theoretically. For the last month I have been spending time with the people of Hood’s Pocket, just a couple of hours outside of Raxius, and today is a big day for them. Today is a big day for them for a totally ridiculous reason... Today they are going to disappear. You heard me. Poof, listeners. The people of Hood’s Pocket claim that their mountain moves. Every few months the mountain disappears and reappears out there somewhere in time and space.
Now, my listeners, you are probably thinking to yourself “BertBert, that sounds insane.” And you would be correct. It is fucking nuts, listeners. And yet, here your dutiful reporter is, standing here at the base of the mountain with a large crowd, while we all wait for it to disappear. I’ve been polling the crowd here and the percentage of people who actually believe the mountain is going to disappear is exactly zero. But that hasn’t stopped them from turning it into a little community event. They are selling t-shirts. You can even get a fun cocktail served in a commemorative mountain-shaped cup, which I am absolutely not drinking from right now, because that would be journalistic malpractice.
We hear the sound of a beverage being slurped through a straw.
Bertbert:
So, what am I doing here?... What am I doing here, listeners? Well, I guess my curiosity got the better of me. I’m a logical person. I let my intellect rule my actions. I’m not prone to superstition. But there is this one thing... The mountain that they all claim is about to zip away into the cosmos... It doesn’t appear on any topographical maps... Weird, right? I’m no geologist, but I’m pretty sure that mountains don’t just show up. And then, added to that, are the people who live there. They are very strange people— somehow all Earthlings, except for one. And... Well, they’re very kind, is what they are. Definitely not your typical residents of Rax Prime. Over the past month, I have collected quite a few stories about these people that I will definitely report out to you all in the off chance that this mountain disappears in a few seconds.
But I’m not actually broadcasting right now to talk to you about mountains that will almost surely not disappear, or the odd people who live on this definitely-not-disappearing mountain... I’m here talking to you because the world ended. For all of us. The world that we depended on for generations disappeared in the span of just a few days, leaving us all out here in the darkness. And what I’m sure is beginning all over the Triad is the slow and near-impossible project of putting it all back together again... How do we do that? Where do we start?
Well, as I said, for the past month I have been hanging out in a small town in the mountains. It’s a pretty ridiculous place. Their mayor is a dog. But they care for each other. They’re all very different, everyone’s got a fun eccentricity, but they seem to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night genuinely giving a shit about each other... That part shouldn’t be socking, but it is. It’s almost enough to melt this reporter’s cold, cold heart. And I plan on taking that with me as a lesson, as we try and rebuild our world. Or maybe build it for the first time. So, I’m a little bit inspired by this tiny town. If only they weren’t all terminally insane people who thought they lived on a traveling mountain.
The crowd begins to count down.
Bertbert:
Okay, the countdown has begun. Let’s watch this nonsense.
The crowd counts down to zero. Nothing happens. Then after a moment we begin to hear seismic shifts in the ground and a great buildup of energy.
Bertbert:
... Get the fuck out of here.
There is a thunderous clap of energy. We move several hours in the future. The mountain is traveling and Leif is at Tavrok’s cabin. We can hear the mungo. Leif powers up a huge device.
Leif:
Eldin. How much time?
Eldin:
We’re forty-five seconds out.
Leif:
Okay, everyone. This is it. Stick to the plan and we should be fine.
Frank:
We’re as ready as we can be, Leif.
Leif:
This is fucking insane.
Eldin:
Yes. It most definitely is.
With a swirl of energy, the mountain lands. We are instantly on a battlefield with gunfire everywhere. A damaged spaceship flies overhead and explodes in the nearby trees.
Leif:
Holy shit! Find a common frequency!
Eldin:
I have it. Go.
Leif:
Is anyone out there?! It’s Leif! Can you hear me?!
Caspar:
(In Leif’s phone.) Show up any time, dick!
The end