Midnight Burger
Chapter 55: The Krok Sucks Group Chat.
In the cargo bay of the flagship, the army of the sisters is getting ready for battle. Teta enters and begins to address the troops.
Teta:
Good morning, maggot food!
There are laughs in the crowd.
Teta:
Well, if this isn’t the shittiest army I’ve ever had the pleasure of addressing... Let’s hear it, how many of you puked this morning? C’mon. Don’t be shy.
There’s some applause and laughter in the crowd.
Teta:
There you are. There you are— welcome to the club. If you think the puking is bad, just wait until the part where you shit yourself.
Laughter in the ranks.
Teta:
If this is your first battle, I’ll be real with you: you’re probably going to die. Some may think that’s a terrible thing to say to your soldiers before battle, but hear me out... When you know you’re going to die, you’ve only got one thing to worry about: How are you going to die? Ask yourself, my beautiful little cannon fodder: How are you going to die? Crying? Begging for mercy? Or are you going to do something amazing? Something truly epic. If there was ever a time for a blaze of glory, that time is now. If you would like any advice on planning your blaze of glory, please see me. I’ve thought I was going to die about nineteen times. Turns out, it’s almost impossible to kill me. If only they’d tell my enemies, right?
We hear rumbling and shaking outside the ship.
Teta:
You hear that? We just hit the atmosphere. Any minute now that door’s going to open and all hell’s going to break loose... These are the last moments of your life, my little shitheads. That may make you sad, but honestly... what was so great about your life?
The troops laugh. The bay doors begin to open. We hear the sound of a pitched battle.
Teta:
We make the world!
The army screams and charges into the fray. We begin to hear epic war documentary music. Effie and Zebulon are doing a bit.
Zebulon:
When we speak about the Battle of Cryptessia, we speak about many things. Pain, suffering, sacrifice, heroism.
Effie:
Two great armies, each with their strengths and weaknesses, met each other on the battlefield that day, and no one could’ve expected how the battle was finally won.
Zebulon:
It was a test of wills, a test of technology, and a test of strategy. But mostly, it was a test of the spirit. A test of that ineffable thing within us. It’s not often a battle is won by something so undefined. Making The Battle of Cryptessia one of the truly great confrontations on record.
Effie:
I’m Ziggy Gently.
Zebulon:
And I’m Brusk Diamond.
Effie:
And this is Great Battles of History.
The music swells as we’re taken to inside krok’s castle.
Zebulon:
Deep in the bowels of Krok’s castle, as the forces of the rebellion make landfall, we find the oddest of family reunions.
A hologram of kazi appears and addresses krok.
Kazi:
Hello, father.
Krok:
Good morning, my dear. Beginning the day with a bit of a siege, are we?
Kazi:
I thought I’d give you the opportunity to surrender.
Krok:
Ah, how quaint. What did you expect my response to be?
Kazi:
I expected you to refuse.
Krok:
I’m so predictable.
Kazi:
You’ve spread your forces too thin, father. Half of your armada is across the system and won’t be here in time to stop me.
Krok:
Well, you seem to have outplayed me, haven’t you?
Kazi:
Yes.
Krok:
Surrender or you’ll grind my castle to dust— is that what I’m to expect?
Kazi:
That’s correct.
Krok:
Shall I take this moment to remind you that I am immortal, dear?
Kazi:
Your army isn’t.
Krok:
Armies may be rebuilt.
Kazi:
I don’t need to kill you when I can bury you under the rubble of your own castle. You can spend eternity buried in the substrate of your own planet. How does that sound?
Krok:
Are you certain you have the fortitude, dear? You are of course overlooking the fact that your beloved Doctor Maddox is in this castle as well.
Kazi:
And you are forgetting who you’re dealing with.
Krok:
I see. Very impressive. Willing to do whatever it takes to vanquish your enemy. This is such a proud moment for your dear father.
Kazi:
... Goodbye, father.
We move to the bridge of kazi’s flagship.
Effie:
Kazi wasn’t surprised by her father’s confidence. Kazi had faced despots before, and there was one common trait among them: unearned confidence. While her father laughed at her, she would bring his castle down upon his head. Or at least, that was the plan.
Kazi:
Give me an overview of the battlefield.
The battlefield comes up on a screen.
Cass:
Here’s the castle. It’s surrounded by the garden. The garden is the area full of all the other constructs that Krok has captured. I have to say, it’s a very strange visual. A huge terrifying castle surrounded by a garden of coffee shops, convenience stores, and corner bars is like absurdist art or something.
Kazi:
Stay on task please, Major.
Cass:
Sorry, ma’am. Krok has arranged legions of his forces around the castle. Teta is engaging them on the ground right now. They outnumber us three to one.
Kazi:
Teta will engage their army asymmetrically. That will buy us time, but hopefully they won’t need to engage the enemy for too long. Give me the full fleet.
Cass:
Broadcasting.
Kazi:
(In loudspeakers over their head.) Attention all ships: move into battle formation and prepare to fire on my mark. On my mark, fire all weapons at Krok’s castle.
Cass:
Ma’am, Dr. Maddox is still inside the castle.
Kazi:
There’s no time for a rescue mission. If we don’t take out the castle by the time the rest of Krok’s fleet arrives, we’ll have no chance.
Cass:
Ma’am-
Kazi:
Eyes forward, Major... All ships... Fire.
We hear the ships of kazi’s fleet all open fire.
Zebulon:
On Kazi’s mark, the ships of the rebellion opened fire on Krok’s castle. Scholars would later estimate that this bombardment was equivalent to one hundred nuclear warheads all at once.
The bombardment ends.
Effie:
And yet, as the dust cleared... Krok’s castle was still standing.
Cass:
What the fuck?
Kazi:
How is it still standing?
Cass:
I don’t know.
Kazi:
Scan the target.
Cass:
Scanning.
Krok:
(In Kazi’s comms panel.) Hello, dear. Just popped in to see how the siege is coming along? Have you won the war yet?
Cass:
There’s some sort of force field around the fortress.
Kazi:
No shield exists that could’ve withstood that attack.
Cass:
We’re looking at it right now.
Teta:
(In comms panel.) Kazi, what the hell is happening? I thought we were blowing this shit up.
Kazi:
Teta, hold the line on the ground. We’re going to have to search for alternatives.
Teta:
Search for alternatives? What the fuck does that mean?
Kazi:
... It means... we’ve fallen into a trap.
Teta:
Fucking great.
We move to the diner, traveling through space.
Effie:
Suddenly, what was thought to be a shrewd victory, had turned into a classic blunder. Kazi thought Krok to be over-confident and arrogant. But Krok had every reason to be confident— and now Kazi had every reason to be worried.
Gloria:
What the heck are the Mucklewains doing?
Fiona:
Uh... I’m not sure.
Gloria:
Voon, are you ready up top?
Voon:
I am, Gloria.
Phil:
How is this going to work?
Voon:
When I am within range of the enemy, I can begin to institute the disarmament protocols.
Gloria:
How long will that take?
Voon:
Unknown. It will depend entirely on their numbers and whatever security measures they have in place.
Phil:
So we’ve got to keep them away from you until it’s done?
Voon:
Correct.
Phil:
What if we drop down into about a million bad guys? What do we do then?
Voon:
Improvise?
Zebulon:
Meanwhile, as Midnight Burger sped across the system, they would have no way of knowing the dire circumstances they were wading into.
Fiona:
Guys?
Effie:
If only there was some way that Midnight Burger could have known that the tables had been so suddenly turned to favor Krok and his unstoppable armies.
Gloria:
What’s up, Fiona?
Fiona:
I think we’re in trouble.
Phil:
What do you mean?
We move to a hill far away from the battle.
Zebulon:
Meanwhile, on a hill just outside the battlefield, new players in the day’s events move onto the field.
The boom cube appears on the hill. Ex, David, and Caspar exit.
Effie:
Caspar, his son David, and the unstoppable android known as Ex arrive to the sights and sounds of battle.
Caspar:
Is that the Mucklewains?
Ex:
What are they doing?
David:
What are they ever doing?
Zebulon:
They knew from the beginning that they would be walking into a difficult situation, but they had no idea how hopeless the battle had become.
Caspar:
Hopeless... what are they talking about?
David:
Mucklewains, what are you talking about?
Effie:
Kazi now had an outnumbered army and a center of power she had no way of penetrating. Something in the battle needed to change quickly, or all would be lost.
Ex:
All would be lost?
Caspar:
Why would all be lost?
Ex:
I don’t know.
Caspar:
Mucklewains?
Zebulon:
At this point Caspar desperately needed to make contact with Kazi, didn’t he Ziggy?
Effie:
He definitely did, Brusk.
David:
Ziggy?
Ex:
Brusk?
Effie:
If he didn’t make contact, he would never know about Kazi’s plan to destroy Krok’s castle with Dr. Maddox still in it.
Caspar:
Oh god, they’re doing a bit. Today, guys? Of all days?
Ex:
Wait, Caspar. Listen to what they’re saying.
Caspar:
What did they say?
Ex:
Kazi’s going to destroy the castle with Ava inside.
Caspar:
What?... Kazi? Kazi are you out there? Kazi?
Kazi:
Well, look who’s still alive.
Caspar:
Sorry to disappoint you. What’s this I hear about you blowing up Krok’s castle? Ava’s still in there.
Kazi:
I don’t have time for this, Caspar.
Caspar:
I’m going to have Ex teleport us right onto your bridge, Kazi. What are you doing?
Kazi:
Right now, I’m attempting to stay alive. Our army is outnumbered and Krok’s stronghold is protected by some sort of impenetrable forcefield. If we can’t get past it by the time the rest of his armada arrives, we’re all going to die.
Caspar:
You skipped over the part where you were going to destroy Krok’s castle with Ava still inside it.
Kazi:
That’s what you’re focused on? After what I just told you?
Caspar:
Winning a war against the bad guys doesn’t mean much if you act like the bad guys when you’re doing it!
Kazi:
Don’t be so naive!
Libuza:
Both of you, shut up!
Zebulon:
Ziggy, Caspar and Kazi had a long history of arguing back and forth, didn’t they?
Effie:
They did, Brusk. Luckily, at this moment, a single voice of reason cut through the fray.
Libuza:
What are the Mucklewains doing?
David:
They’re doing a bit, just go with it.
Libuza:
Okay. Everyone listen, when Ex visited me in my room she was automatically scanned by our sensors. I’ve been going over them in my control room.
Ex:
Ooh. I feel so exposed.
Libuza:
Based on her teleportation signature... Ex, the cube operates on the same principles that your, uh, chassis does?
Ex:
Yeah, totally. It’s like I’m throwing them in my backpack.
Libuza:
If that’s the case, there’s a way that you specifically can get through the force field.
Ex:
How?
Libuza:
It’s complicated. You can, uh, read my mind?
Ex:
Okay, yeah, hang on... Okay... Okay... Okay, WOW.
Caspar:
Skip to the end.
Ex:
... Sure, okay, got it. This is going to be WILD. Let’s go.
They get back into the cube.
Caspar:
What are we doing?
Libuza:
Let’s just say that things can get very strange when you get down to the subatomic level.
Caspar:
The subatomic level?
Libuza:
Yes.
David:
Why are we going to the subatomic level?
Libuza:
Ex isn’t just teleporting, Caspar, she’s doing all sorts of things. She’s basically going to do an end run around the laws of physics entirely.
Caspar:
... Libuza. Is Ex about to shrink us?
Libuza:
Essentially.
Caspar:
Libuza, I know I’m always telling you to act more like a kid, but are you taking this opportunity to pull a prank on me?
Libuza:
No.
Caspar:
Because shrinking us sounds ridiculous.
Libuza:
It does, but it’s just a fun byproduct of a workable plan.
Kazi:
We don’t have time for this, Libuza.
Libuza:
If we can get them inside the castle, they can also look for the source of the force field while they’re looking for Ava. Everybody wins.
Kazi:
...Fine.
Caspar:
You and I are going to have some fucking words after this is over, Kazi.
Kazi:
I’ll put it on my schedule.
Libuza:
Enough, both of you. Ex, get going.
Ex:
Okay guys, welcome to Operation: Teeny-Tiny.
David:
Let’s get small.
Caspar:
This is so fucking ridiculous.
The cube fires up, getting smaller and smaller until it disappears with a small pop.
Zebulon:
While our three intrepid adventurers embark on Operation: Teeny-Tiny, across the battlefield, the diner enters the fray.
In another part of the battlefield, the diner cracks into existence in the middle of it all.
Gloria:
Get to work, Voon.
Voon:
(In earpiece.) Beginning calculations.
Fiona:
Kazi, we’re here.
Gloria:
Voon is working on the secret weapon right now.
Kazi:
(In earpiece.) What’s his timeframe?
Gloria:
He doesn’t know. He’s tried it on a few people, but not a whole army.
Kazi:
I’m afraid our position is less than ideal.
Gloria:
Yeah, the Mucklewains told us. Caspar and them are inside the castle?
Kazi:
This is not at all how I wanted this battle to go.
Gloria:
Kazi, I realize that someone like you having to depend on the diner on one end and Caspar in a cube on the other end is pretty hard to take. But I’ve learned that, in the end, the multiverse will always do the funniest thing.
Kazi:
I’m not currently laughing.
Several mystery men drop into the parking lot.
Phil:
We’ve got company.
Fiona:
Shit! Peter, search and destroy.
Peter:
Search and destroy.
Peter runs outside and engages the mystery men in a laser fight.
Gloria:
See, Kazi? Case in point: right now we are being attacked by space men and they are being repelled by a robot that Leif made out of spare parts because he was bored. Hilarious.
Kazi:
I don’t think you’re grasping the severity of the moment, Gloria.
Gloria:
I learned something while I was away, Kazi. I learned that as long as we’re all together, everything’s going to be okay. We’re almost there. There’s only one of us still out there. As soon as Leif’s here, everything’s going to be okay.
Kazi:
If Krok decides to activate his weapon again, the diner is going to be his first target, Gloria.
Gloria:
Yes. That would be bad. But someone’s going to figure it out.
More mystery men drop into the parking lot.
Phil:
We’ve got a lot more bad guys incoming!
Fiona:
Wait, look!
We hear the sound of Teta’s gun outside.
Teta:
(Outside.) Defensive perimeter around the diner!
Teta enters.
Teta:
What the fuck is up with the Urt? Has he figured this shit out yet?
Voon:
(In earpiece.) I am making progress, but I am experiencing complicated security protocols. Please stand by.
Teta:
Whatever. We’re going to make a perimeter around the diner. Try and speed it up okay?
Fiona:
Teta, what do you need?
Teta:
Uh, can I get some fries?
Fiona:
... Fries?
Teta:
Yeah, do you guys have curly fries?
Fiona:
Uh, we don’t.
Teta:
Well, that’s fucking bullshit. Regular fries are fine. I’ve got to go kill these guys, I’ll be right back.
Teta walks back out firing her gun as we move to inside krok’s castle. The boom cube begins as the size of an atom and then quickly inflates to full size in krok’s main hall.
Caspar:
Bad. Don’t like. Was Terrible. I hate it.
They exit the cube.
David:
I am not well.
Caspar:
I thought the usual way was bad. This is way worse.
David:
Ex, are you okay?
Ex:
I’m fine. That was fun.
David:
Where are we?
Caspar:
We’re... Oh shit, we’re in the main hall. This is where we were last time.
David:
Not the most sneaky place to show up.
Krok teleports into the main hall with a thunderclap.
Caspar:
Aw, fuck.
Zebulon:
That was not the most ideal place for them drop down into the castle now was it, Ziggy?
Effie:
Not at all, Brusk. If that castle was a dragon, they had just teleported into it’s gaping maw.
Zebulon:
Nobody likes a gaping maw.
Caspar:
Would you two shut up for a second?
Krok:
Well, if it isn’t the most useless man in the multiverse.
Caspar:
Hello, Krok.
Krok:
Can it be true that you’ve discovered how to breach my impenetrable shield, and the vanguard of your forces are you, your son, and your little artificial friend?
Caspar:
Where’s Ava, Krok?
Krok:
Oh, I see. You’ve come to rescue your compatriot. A daring rescue mission into the heart of darkness?
Caspar:
The location of Ava, please, Krok.
Krok:
You realize that the fate of the galaxy— nay, the universe itself— is being decided outside this castle. You’ve come to save one woman?
Caspar:
Krok, can I opt out of the banter, please? I would like to opt out of the banter. Can I skip it? I'm exhausted. I was in the Sahara Desert yesterday. Kind of. Can I skip it? Can you please, for the love of Space Jesus, just point me in the direction of Ava?
Krok:
I must say, in spite of myself, after all this... after I've destroyed all of you... for the first time, I think I shall actually miss you. It's been a breath of fresh air interacting with such ridiculous people.
Caspar:
Krok, for the first time since the beginning of time, you're actually on to something. I'm no spring chicken myself, and I feel like all I've ever seen are guys trying to grab a hold of the universe and make it do something for them. It never works out, ever, but they keep doing it. It never works. The only thing I've encountered— in all my time steeped in this stupidity— that works? A table. And some chairs. And the right people. Can you direct me towards my people, please?
Krok:
The doctor shall remain with me.
Ex:
Caspar? Why don’t you and David run along. I’ll take it from here.
Caspar:
Ex, listen, this guy isn’t—
Ex:
Caspar. The adults are talking now. Run along.
David:
Uh, okay, this is terrifying. Let’s go.
Caspar:
Be careful, Ex.
Caspar and david run off.
Krok:
The mysterious android. Dr. Maddox seems to think you’ll be the cause of my undoing.
Ex:
I do have that reputation.
Krok:
You realize, of course, that I am an unstoppable force of nature?
Ex:
Well, that’s what they said about Clementine, and I kicked her ass all up and down the capital steps. In case you’re curious about what I’ll do to you.
Krok:
I really am astounded at the circus of unearned confidence of you and your friends.
Ex:
I'm afraid the difference between me and my friends is that my confidence is 100 percent earned. Last chance to give up.
Krok:
How could I? I'm far too curious now.
Ex:
You know what they say about curiosity.
Krok fires energy at ex as she teleports, and we move to karl hissing at the door.
Ava:
When you attend a funeral, It is sad to think that sooner or Later those you love will do the same for you. And you may have thought it tragic, Not to mention other adjec- Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do. But don't you worry. No more ashes, no more sackcloth. And an armband made of black cloth Will some day never more adorn a sleeve. For if the bomb that drops on you Gets your friends and neighbors too,There'll be nobody left behind to grieve.And we will all go together when we go-
Karl is making very grumpy noises.
Ava:
Karl, what’s wrong? Is the battle disturbing your nap?
The door begins to shake as if someone’s trying to open it.
Ava:
What’s all this about, Karl? Did you order takeout without me? Did you remember to order the egg rolls?
The door swings open and Caspar and David are there.
Caspar:
Oh, hi.
Ava:
You’re awfully short for a storm trooper.
Caspar:
Oh would you get the fuck out here, please?!
Karl attacks caspar’s leg.
Caspar:
OW! Goddamn it!
David:
Hi, Ava!
Ava:
Hey, David.
David:
I love your cat.
Ava:
He’s such a little asshole, isn’t he?
Caspar:
Fuck you, cat!
Ava:
What took you guys so long?
David:
There’s a force field around the castle. Kazi can’t get through it.
Caspar:
Which is a good thing, because she was going to destroy this castle with you in it.
Karl attacks him again.
Caspar:
Ow!
David:
Lets get out of here, we’ve still got stuff to do.
Ava:
What are we doing?
David:
We've got to find out where this force field is coming from and shut it down.
Ava:
Cool, cool, cool. One other thing we need to do—
Caspar:
One other thing? We're not doing one other thing.
Ava:
There's a great big gun in this castle. We've got to shut it down. If we don't shut it down, we're all getting effed in the B by the big G.
Caspar:
Fuck. Okay, fine. Can we go, please?
Ava:
And if there's a coffee on the way, that would be great. The room service here—
Caspar:
Start moving now!
A nearby wall explodes as Ex goes flying through it.
David:
Holy shit!
Ex pulls herself up out of the rubble.
Caspar:
Ex?
Ex:
Jesus Christ, Caspar. Who the fuck is this guy?
Caspar:
Look, he’s a bad guy, okay?
Ava:
Apparently he's been juicing with vacuum fluctuation energy, which will make him extra powerful, but the effects are probably temporary. Also, it's super bad for you.
Ex:
Okay, whatever. Hi, Ava.
Ava:
Hi.
Caspar:
Get back in there, Rocky. Our to-do list in this place is getting longer.
Ex:
Just once, I'd like to be involved in the thinky part of the plan and not the wackity-smack-smack part of the plan.
Caspar:
Can we go over this at your next employee review, please?
Ex:
Fine.
Ex teleports away.
David:
Where is this big gun?
Ava:
I have no idea.
Caspar:
What?!
Ava:
This place is huge. I don’t know how to get there from here.
David:
What do we do, just wander around?
Karl grumbles as he TROTS down the hall.
Ava:
Well...
Caspar:
If you say we’re going to follow the cat, I swear to God.
Ava:
We’re going to follow the cat.
Caspar:
I swear to God!
We move back to kazi’s ship.
Cass:
Teta’s formed a perimeter around the diner, but now all of Krok’s forces are coalescing around their location.
Kazi:
They’re in a better position that way. It’s easier for her to fight defensively.
Her ship is suddenly hit by an attack.
Kazi:
What was that?
Cass:
Krok’s deployed a squadron of fighters from the castle.
Kazi:
All ships, evasive maneuvers. Engage the fighters, but do not break from your position.
Cass:
It’s a manageable number of fighters. We should be okay.
Kazi:
Every battle is a race, and we’re not currently winning this one. How far out is the rest of Krok’s armada?
Cass:
... Thirteen minutes, Ma’am.
Kazi:
Caspar, what is your status?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Oh, I really don't think you want a status update right now, Kazi.
Kazi:
Why not?
Caspar:
Well, it involves a cat. Would you like me to explain further?
Ava:
(In earpiece.) Kazi, it’s your sister Jezinka. The gun, the force field— that’s got to be all her. We’re trying to make our way to her lab, but this place is huge. Stand by.
Kazi:
Caspar, in case you're wondering, that's what a status update sounds like.
Caspar:
You're not the boss of me.
Teta:
(In earpiece.) Kazi.
Kazi:
What is it?
Teta:
We need to slow these guys down. Can you give us some suppressing fire from ships two and five?
Kazi:
Confirmed. Two and five. Major, make that happen please.
Cass:
Ships two and five, we need a ten second bombardment around the diner. Teta, fire in the hole.
Teta:
Everybody grab your junk!
Cass:
Can anyone in the diner hear me?
Fiona:
(In earpiece.) This is Fiona.
Cass:
Fiona, there’s going to be heavy fire incoming. You need to take cover.
Fiona:
Oh, shit. Peter, get inside!
Cass:
Here it comes.
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) Everybody down!
There is a massive bombardment outside the diner as WE move to krok’s castle. Ex is out of breath as SHE and krok prepare for round two.
Krok:
You're not the most powerful being I've ever faced, but you are quite adept at taking a beating.
Ex:
Gee, thanks.
Krok:
It's astounding to think that earthlings were capable of making something as powerful as you.
Ex:
Well, you know, earthlings. They're a hot mess, but every once in a while they stumble into a good idea.
Krok:
And it's been a wonderful distraction. I'm simply biding my time here in the castle while I wait for my daughter to come to the realization that she is in a trap and will have no choice but to surrender.
Ex:
Well, I'm glad I could be of service. Before we begin round two here, let me ask you a question.
Krok:
By all means.
Ex:
Would it bother you if I read your mind? I'm not just indestructible, Krok. I've actually got all sorts of talents. And one of those talents is that minds are kind of an open book to me. But I've learned to ask permission first, unless it's Caspar. I'd love to know what makes a guy like you tick. I'm sure you've been trying to be cagey with all the other folks out there, but it's just you and me here right now. Just two god-like entities beating the crap out of each other. Mind if I get a peek at your cards? There's nothing to hide anymore, right? The trap's been sprung. You're just waiting for the end.
Krok:
You may look. If you dare.
Ex:
... Wow... Krok... You’re terrified of him, aren’t you?
Krok:
Do you understand now why I do what I do?
Ex:
Honestly... No.
Krok:
No?
Ex:
This whole plan of yours... You've done it all out of fear. I mean, I can understand that intellectually, but if you're looking for me to sympathize with you, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Krok:
I've never sought anyone's sympathy.
Ex:
No, why would you? We're all just a bunch of little tiny ants to you, aren't we?
Krok:
Anyone put in my position would have done the same.
Ex:
And that's where you really lose me. This much pain and suffering. You really think anyone would do what you’ve done?
Krok:
I do.
Ex:
... You know, I spend a lot of time hanging out with Earthlings. Not just because they made me, but because you can learn a lot from them. They're so fragile, their lives. Compared to you and me, they're as fragile as butterflies. I think if I were that fragile, I would be scared all the time. You'd never get me out of the house. But they manage to get past it. They manage to leave the house, have fun, be happy even. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. They do a lot of stupid things because they're scared, just like you do. But on average, generally speaking, they persevere through the abject fear of their entire existence. They get on with things. They live. Ever forward. I imagine that's pretty hard for you to understand. And for me.
Krok:
Is this heartfelt plea meant to lull me into surrender?
Ex:
No. Because in addition to understanding your fear, I also understand your stubbornness. And any chance of convincing you of the error of your ways faded a long, long time ago... So... The only thing that's left is for me to beat the crap out of you.
Krok unleashes another attack on Ex as she teleports out of the way and we move to the diner in the aftermath of the bombardment from Kazi’s fleet.
Effie:
Brusk, it’s often said in the history of war that no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. Is that why we’ve found ourselves at this point?
Zebulon:
It certainly is, Ziggy. At this point in the Battle of Cryptessia, everyone’s plans are beginning to go out the window. Krok meeting his match with Ex, Caspar and David having to suddenly search through the castle, Kazi finding herself stopped by an impenetrable forcefield.
Effie:
Which is why, no matter which battle you study throughout history, there is always the middle point. The point of pure chaos where the outcome could be anyone’s guess.
Cass:
Midnight Burger, come in. Are you guys alright down there?
Fiona:
Hey. Fiona, again. We’re okay. Are we okay?
Gloria:
I’m okay.
Phil:
I’m good.
Gloria:
Voon, how are you doing up there?
Voon:
(In earpiece.) The work continues.
Teta enters.
Teta:
You guys okay?
Fiona:
We’re okay.
Teta:
What the fuck is up with the Urt?
Voon:
There is active resistance to my protocols. There appears to be someone resisting my challenges... They are very adept.
We move to Jezinka’s laboratory. She is typing new code, trying to adapt to voon’s attacks. Karl enters the room, and jezinka’s chair turns.
Ava:
Hi, Jezinka.
Jezinka:
... I am not allowed to speak with you.
Ava:
I know. But here I am anyway.
Jezinka:
There are others here.
Ava:
Yes, this is Caspar and David.
Jezinka:
Why are they here?
Ava:
They’re my friends.
Jezinka:
I do not have time to speak. My protocols are under attack.
Caspar:
So, this is Krok’s secret weapon?
David:
I guess so.
Caspar:
What are we going to do? Just ask her to stop?
Ava:
Did you have a better idea?
Caspar:
Why can’t we just unplug technology from the wall? Why did we abandon that idea?
Ava:
Jezinka, there’s a forcefield around the whole castle. It’s very impressive.
Jezinka:
It cannot be classified as a force field.
Ava:
Really? What is it?
David:
This is the nicest I’ve ever seen Ava act.
Caspar:
Yeah, it’s disturbing.
Jezinka:
The field collapses the space within. It does not repel attacks but rather makes the target effectively non-existent.
Ava:
Wow. What’s the power source like for something like that?
Jezinka:
Power demands are inconsequential. Scale is the challenge. The field demanded a resonator to match target size.
Ava:
Cool... Where’s the resonator?
Jezinka:
We are within the resonator.
Ava:
... The entire castle is the resonator?
Jezinka:
Correct.
Ava:
... Great... We’re fucked.
Caspar:
Why?
Ava:
The shield isn’t coming from some device in the castle. The castle is the device. The entire castle generates the shield.
David:
Great.
Caspar:
So we’d have to shut down the castle to the shut down the shield?
Ava:
Yes.
Caspar:
How do we shut down the castle?
Ava:
We can’t shut down the castle. The castle is powered by the planet’s core. We’d have to shut down the planet to shut down the castle.
David:
Well, so much for this plan. At least I got a tour of the castle.
Caspar:
Alright, fuck this. Let’s get out of here. Ex?
In caspar’s ear we hear the sound of ex in a pitched battle.
Ex:
(In earpice.) HeeeeeeYAAA!
Caspar:
Shit.
David:
Who’s going to break the news to Kazi?
Zebulon:
Yet another dead end for Kazi's forces.
Effie:
The only saving grace was that David managed to hear guards coming down the hall before they had a chance to get into the room.
David:
I’m sorry, I what?
Caspar:
Managed to hear guards coming down the hall?
David:
Uh. One moment.
David opens the door and sees the guards.
David:
Shit. Hi, guys!
David fires several rounds of his gun at the guards and they take cover.
David:
Great news. We’re pinned down.
Back on kazi’s ship, an alarm starts going off.
Cass:
Ma’am?
Kazi:
What is it?
Cass:
It’s Krok’s armada. They’ve just arrived in orbit.
Kazi:
... How many ships?
Cass:
... I count 30, Ma’am.
Kazi:
... Caspar, it’s now or never... Caspar?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) It’s not going to happen, Kazi... The only way to break down the shield is to break down the castle itself— the castle is the shield generator. And if we could break down the castle, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
Kazi:
... I see.
Caspar:
Kazi, you should pack up and get out of here while you still can.
Kazi:
... No... I’ve run before, I won’t do it again. Tell Ava to figure something out.
Outside the diner, several of krok’s ships descend on the battlefield. Gloria walks outside.
Gloria:
Guys? We’ve got a lot more ships showing up here.
An army of mystery men begin teleporting into the battlefield.
Gloria:
... And a lot more bad guys.
Teta:
Here they come again! Everybody dig in around the diner!
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Gloria, get everybody inside, this is going to get messy. Kazi was outnumbered before. She’s going to be even more outnumbered now.
Kazi:
(In earpiece.) Attention: all ships. Engage the enemy and don’t let up... We fight to the last of us.
Gloria:
Caspar?
Caspar:
Yeah?
Gloria:
... Are we screwed?
Caspar:
...
Zebulon:
You know, Ziggy, it’s at this point that I’m a bit disappointed.
Effie:
Why is that, Brusk?
Zebulon:
In the past, Caspar had quite often described himself as a student of history.
Effie:
That’s true.
Zebulon:
And yet in a moment such as this, he seemed to have forgotten all about it.
Effie:
How so?
Zebulon:
Well... Marathon, Gaugamela, Salamis, The Siege of Malta. How many battles throughout history have been won by outnumbered forces?
Caspar:
The losers had inferior battle tactics.
Effie:
Not just that, Brusk. Let’s not forget about the wind.
Zebulon:
The wind, you say?
Effie:
The Kamikaze wind that blew the Mongol Hordes away from Japan, the Protestant Wind of the English blowing away the Spanish Armada, and the snowy winds of Towton that blew the Lancastrians into their greatest defeat.
Caspar:
Seriously, the wind? Give me a break, guys.
Zebulon:
And I suppose if Caspar were to hear us say this now, he would be up in arms at our hopefulness.
Effie:
That’s true, Brusk. But Caspar was, historically, a big whiny baby.
Caspar:
Goddamn it.
Zebulon:
It is a historical fact that Caspar was, famously, King Baby himself. Often saying, and I quote, “I’m a big baby, stomping around in my big baby pants. Where is my binkie? Baby wants binkie.”
Caspar:
Okay, very funny. We’re sitting here about to die and you guys want me to hope for the wind to blow?
Suddenly, a massive, ghostly sound echoes across the battle field.
Gloria:
What was that?
Kazi:
(In earpiece.) What was that sound?
Cass:
(In earpiece.) I don’t know, ma’am.
Phil and fiona exit the diner.
Fiona:
Did you guys hear that?
Phil:
Uh... Is the ground shaking?
The sound increases and the earth begins to shake
Voon:
Gloria, I am experiencing unexplained seismic activity.
Gloria:
We all are, Voon.
Zebulon:
And then, as if on cue, the wind began to blow.
The sound climaxes to a massive explosion. Suddenly, there is a mountain.
Gloria:
What the fuck?
Fiona:
... Is that a mountain?
Phil:
That’s a mountain.
Voon:
(In earpiece.) Gloria, I believe there is a mountain.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Caspar:
A mountain?
Back in kazi’s ship.
Kazi:
What the hell just happened?
Cass:
Uh...
Kazi:
Major?
Cass:
Ma’am... A mountain has appeared.
Kazi:
Excuse me?
Cass:
A... mountain.
Kazi:
One more time?
Cass:
A big one. 3500 meters.
Kazi:
... It just showed up?
Cass:
Uh... Yes.
Kazi:
Does someone down there want to explain the mountain to me?
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) I don’t think we can, Kazi.
Cass:
Wait. Ma’am, whatever it is... it took out half of Krok’s fleet when it appeared.
Kazi:
It did?
Cass:
They collided with the mountain... We have a fighting chance now. Whatever it is... It’s on our side.
We move back to the parking lot.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Is anyone out there?! It’s Leif! Can you hear me?!
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Show up any time, dick!
Gloria:
Leif!
Leif:
Gloria!
Gloria:
Are you on the mountain?
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
How did you bring a whole mountain here?!
Leif:
Remember the Horizon Motel?
Gloria:
You brought it with you?
Leif:
The whole mountain moves like the diner. I’ll explain later. Can someone give me a rundown?
Effie:
After his many adventures with the denizens of Hood’s Pocket, Leif had arrived on the battlefield ready for anything.
Zebulon:
Partly due to Dr. Maddox’s warning to him when they briefly met at the beginning of the universe.
Ava:
(In earpiece.) You’re welcome.
Caspar:
When they what?
Leif:
What are the Mucklewains doing?
Gloria:
They’re doing a bit.
Kazi:
Leif, whatever you’ve done, you’ve given us a fighting chance, but we’re not out of the woods yet. Teta is still greatly outnumbered on the battlefield.
Leif:
I can definitely help with that.
We hear a massive beam of energy followed by a massive explosion.
Gloria:
WHOA!
The army of slabz mcTerpz and his Beautiful Boyz charges into battle.
Slabz:
Issue forth, my Beautiful Boyz! Today there is naught to drink but blood!
Gloria:
Leif, there’s a porcupine guy.
Kazi:
(In earpiece.) Good lord, is that Slabz McTerpz?
Teta:
(In earpiece.) Oh, hell yeah! I love this guy! What’s up, Slabzy!
Leif:
What else?
Ava:
Leif, there’s some sort of forcefield around the entire castle. We can’t get through it.
Leif:
Okay. Verge, are you up yet?
We move to inside the phoenix. Verge is in the air.
Verge:
Hello, this is Verge, how may I help you?
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Do a pass by that castle. I need to get a better look at it.
Verge:
No problem. Eldin?
Eldin:
Scanning...
Teta:
(In earpiece.) Verge, is that you?
Verge:
Hey, Teta.
Teta:
Damn, they’ll let anybody into this war, won’t they?
Eldin:
Oh dear. Are you seeing this, Leif?
Leif:
That’s impossible.
Eldin:
Apparently not.
Leif:
That’s Meesock’s Tabernacle.
Eldin:
Apparently so.
Leif:
You can’t make it that big.
Eldin:
Apparently you can.
Effie:
Meesock’s Tabernacle, Brusk.
Zebulon:
It had to have been the last thing Leif wanted to see that day.
Effie:
Meesock’s Tabernacle. An impenetrable shield invented by a mysterious ancient engineer named Meesock, had long vexed scientists and engineers alike.
Ava:
(In earpiece.) Leif, Krok’s chief engineer is another one of his daughters. She has crazy brains. The entire castle is the resonator for the field.
Leif:
Whoa. You guys are in there?
Ava:
Yes.
Caspar:
Ex is here. She got us inside with a cube that, well, you made. But that’s another story. Anyway she’s the only thing keeping Krok from killing us right now, so she’s occupied.
Gloria:
Leif, is there any way to get through the forcefield?
Effie:
And almost any engineer would have said no to that question, Brusk.
Zebulon:
They would have. But Leif knew something they didn’t.
Leif:
There’s a way to get through it. But I don’t have what I need.
Gloria:
What do you need?
Leif:
A field that size, I would need my particle cannon.
Gloria:
The one you dismantled.
Leif:
Not just that. I’d need about four of them. Shit.
We move back inside the laboratory. Jezinka’s big gun begins targeting.
Ava:
Whoa, Jezinka, what are you doing?
Jezinka:
Construct of unknown classification detected. I will use it’s presence for a new weapon test.
Ava:
Maybe you should do some more testing. Maybe it’s too soon?
Jezinka:
The time is now.
David:
What’s happening?
Ava:
She’s going to shoot the mountain.
David:
With that thing?
Caspar:
Oh, shit. Leif duck and cover!
Leif:
What?
Jezinka fires the big gun. After a moment...
Leif:
Guys, duck and cover for what?
Ava:
Leif, are you okay?
Leif:
Yeah, what happened?
David:
How did he survive that?
Leif:
How did I survive what?
Jezinka:
The new construct is unaffected by the weapon.
Ava:
Guess it’s not working, Jezinka. I guess you need to go back to the drawing board.
David:
I say scrap it all together.
Caspar:
Me, too.
Leif:
Guys, what’s going on?
Zebulon:
It was right at that moment that Ava’s mind began to race.
Ava:
It was?
Effie:
A thought began to form in her mind like a bolt from the blue.
Ava:
It did?
Zebulon:
A thought so outlandish that everyone would call her insane.
Ava:
They would?
Effie:
But as Ava always said: when they think you’re crazy...
Ava:
... That’s when you’re really onto something.
Leif:
Ava?
Caspar:
Ava?
David:
Ava?
Ava:
... Leif, how many particle cannons did you say you needed?
Leif:
Uh, at least four, but there’s no time for that.
Ava:
Okay... Everybody keep doing what you’re doing. We’re going to work on something up here.
Leif:
Okay.
Caspar:
What are we working on?
Ava:
... I need to think for a minute.
Leif:
Sure, Ava, take your time. Operation: Bury the Witch, you’re a go.
Frank:
(In earpiece.) Roger that.
We move to frank’s truck. He and Trinkett are driving through the battlefield.
Trinkett:
I have to say, I really don’t like the name “Bury the Witch.” It has some historical undertones I really don’t like.
Frank:
Do me a favor. Roll down your window and complain to one of the evil spacemen about your displeasure with the historical undertones.
Trinkett:
I’m just saying.
Frank:
Hang on.
Frank brings the truck to a stop and rolls down the window.
Frank:
Celeste!
Celeste:
Oh, hey guys!
Frank:
How’s the battle going?
Celeste:
It’s going well. We’re gaining some ground.
Frank:
Fantastic. Where’s a good place for me to park Trinkett?
Celeste:
Oh, uh, I think right up there, by that abandoned laundromat.
Frank:
Sure.
Slabz:
(From far off.) Come, my love. We push forward!
Celeste:
Okay! Gotta go. Good luck, guys.
Frank:
You too.
Trinkett:
Have fun storming the castle!
Frank drives on.
Trinkett:
... I think I know why we haven’t finished Star Wars.
Frank:
Oh yeah? Why?
Trinkett:
It’s kind of a snooze compared to this, right?
Frank:
Oh, yeah. I’d like to see Luke Skywalker operate without a space suit.
Trinkett:
Good luck talking to mushrooms, Yoda.
We move to hood’s pocket. Doug is hurrying down the street.
Eldin:
Doug are you there?
Doug:
I’m here.
Eldin:
How are things in town?
Doug:
They’re okay, I think.
Eldin:
Is there any sign of the enemy?
Doug:
No, not yet.
Eldin:
When we arrived on this planet, several enemy ships collided with the mountain. There may be all sorts of survivors wandering around the mountain, and they will most certainly be hostile.
Doug:
Okay. I just walked through the town square and everything seems quiet at this point.
Eldin:
Good.
Doug:
Eldin, I feel a bit strange not helping.
Eldin:
I understand, Doug. But this is a dangerous army and our efforts won’t be helped by your hunting rifle and Steve’s flaming liquor. Best to keep the four of you safe in town.
Doug:
I understand.
Eldin:
Just let me know if you see any enemy combatants.
Doug:
Okay, I will.
doug walks into the Sheep’s eye and we hear square dancing music and people dancing.
Doug:
Uh... Eldin?
Eldin:
Yes?
Doug:
I see enemy combatants.
Steve:
Honor your partner, honor your corner, Circle up left like a wheel on a wagon, Circle up right, now don't be a-draggin',Allemande left with your left hand round,Grand right and left, now swing 'em around!
Doug:
They’re square dancing.
Eldin:
Deidre?
Deidre:
Hey.
Eldin:
What the fuck is happening?
Deidre:
Uh... Well... A bunch of those soldiers showed up, and they were were really scared and really didn’t want to go back into the battle. The first thing they asked for was square dancing.
June plays pants darts with other survivors
June:
Space Pants Darts! Step up and bet your space pants! Who’s next? What’s your name?... What?... My friend I can’t understand a word you’re saying with that stupid helmet on. We’re playing space helmet darts next!
Steve:
Honor your partner, honor your corner, Circle up left like a wheel on a wagon, Circle up right, now don't be a-draggin',Allemande left with your left hand round,Grand right and left, now swing 'em around!
Deidre:
I think we’re going to be okay, Eldin. Stay safe out there.
We move back to the diner parking lot, the battle rages all around.
Gloria:
Leif!
Leif:
(In earpiece.) What’s up?
Gloria:
The bad guys are all pushing toward the diner. Teta can’t keep them all back. I think they’re trying to get to Voon before he hacks them.
Fiona:
We should get inside.
Leif:
Who is Voon?
Gloria:
He’s an Urt and he’s trying to hack into the bad guy systems.
Leif:
You have an Urt in the diner?
Gloria:
Not the time, Leif!
Leif:
What do you need?
Gloria:
Voon, how much of your equipment do you need?
Voon:
I only require Em.
Gloria:
Leif, that plane thing up there, is that yours?
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Let’s get Voon in the air.
Leif:
Okay. Verge?
We move to the cockpit of the phoenix.
Verge:
Go for Verge.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) I need you to pick somebody up. On the roof of the diner is an Urt. I need you to keep him mobile.
Verge:
I can definitely do mobile, moving in now. Eldin, open the vac tube.
Eldin:
Vac tube open.
Verge:
Coming in on target, 3...2...1...
There is a loud sucking noice and voon is suddenly in the cockpit.
Eldin:
Greetings, Sourcer.
Voon:
Hello. The customizations on your ship are very interesting. May I scan for relevant technologies?
Verge:
How about you save the day first, and then you can scan all you want?
Voon:
Of course.
Verge:
Hang on tight.
The phoenix speeds away as we move back to the parking lot.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Okay, he’s on the move.
Kazi:
(In earpiece.) Any new ideas on how we get past that shield?
David:
(In earpiece.) Uhh, Ava’s thinking about something.
Kazi:
Tell her to think faster.
Gloria:
Kazi, since we can’t get through the force field, I think we should focus on the battle we can win. With a little luck, we can at least get the upper hand out here.
Kazi:
Agreed. We need Voon to make progress on his plan.
An enemy ship swoops in close to the diner.
Fiona:
Oh, shit. Gloria get inside.
A whole lot of mystery men begin to show up in the parking lot.
Fiona:
Okay. Come on you fuckers.
They all start moving toward Fiona.
Fiona:
Here we go... Peter: Death Blossom.
Peter:
DEATH BLOSSOM!
Fiona dives inside the diner.
Fiona:
Look out!
Outside the diner we hear the sound of pure laser chaos as we move to jezinka’s laboratory. David iS firing more rounds out the door to keep the guards away.
David:
So... What are we doing?
Caspar:
Ava’s thinking about something.
David:
Okay... How long does that take?
Caspar:
I don’t know. I’m just glad she’s not doing this thing where she starts speaking in tongues.
David:
Speaking in tongues?
Caspar:
Yeah. It’s very disturbing. It’s like a religious ceremony, but just science comes out.
Ava:
Okay... I have an idea.
Caspar:
Okay.
David:
What do we do?
Ava:
This first thing to do is: don’t freak out.
Caspar:
Oh, Jesus.
Ava:
You know those times when I have an idea and it sounds terrible, but it only sounds that way because I’m the smart one?
Caspar:
I hate those times.
Ava:
I know. Just go with it, okay?
David:
I don’t want to just go with it.
Caspar:
Can I opt out of going with it?
Ava:
Jezinka. I don’t think the problem with the gun is a design flaw. I think you need more power. I think you need to load the gun with all the new energy you have and fire it at the mountain again.
Caspar:
Whoa.
David:
What?
Caspar:
No.
David:
No, thank you.
Caspar:
Unsubscribe.
David:
Bad idea party.
Ava:
Shh. Jezinka, what do you say? Let’s turn this shit up to eleven... Jezinka?...
Jezinka:
I accept your proposal. Loading weapon to maximum tolerable energy levels.
Caspar:
Ava!
Ava:
You know what I would do, Jezinka? Maximum capacity, but a constant stream instead of a controlled burst. Then you can monitor the effectiveness in real time.
Jezinka:
Agreed.
Caspar:
Ava!
Ava:
Hi.
Caspar:
What the fuck are you doing?
Ava:
We’ve established that the mountain absorbs the energy.
Caspar:
So why are we pushing our luck?
Ava:
Because I have an idea.
Caspar:
What is your idea?
Ava:
It’s good to see you.
Caspar:
... What?
Ava:
I forgot to say it’s good to see you. I’m glad you’re alive.
Caspar:
Don’t try and distract me by saying nice things to me.
Ava:
But it always works.
Caspar:
No it doesn’t.
David:
Yes, it does.
Caspar:
Hey.
Ava:
Look. You told me one time that you’re the guy who always does the stupid thing. That’s your super power. Well, I’m the person who always does the smart thing.
Caspar:
This doesn’t look smart to me at all.
Ava:
That’s because my shit it so smart... that it looks dumb.
Caspar:
... Where did you get a cat?
Ava:
Late Renaissance Denmark. Where else am I going to get a cat?
Caspar:
... What?
We move to the cockpit of the phoenix.
Voon:
The architect appears to be distracted. I am making progress.
Verge:
Good, because we’ve got company.
Several fighters are now chasing Verge through the sky. They are firing on the ship as verge takes evasive action.
Verge:
Eldin, what are we dealing with?
Eldin:
Six fighters in total. We’re a bit faster than they are, but we have no way of fighting back.
Verge:
Anyone want to get these assholes off my back?
Fiona:
(In earpiece.) Voon, are you okay?
Voon:
We are being fired upon and taking evasive action.
Fiona:
Shit.
We move back to the parking lot.
Effie:
Fiona looked up to the sky to see not only her friend under attack, but their entire plan for victory.
Zebulon:
And it was Fiona’s hallmark quick thinking that launched her into the moment.
Fiona:
Hallmark? That’s not my hallmark. How is that my hallmark?
Effie:
Fiona looked to her left. She looked to her right.
Fiona:
I’m looking to my left. I’m looking to my right.
Zebulon:
And there, just off the parking lot, she saw an abandoned enemy fighting vessel, cast aside in the battle.
Fiona:
Okay, I’m seeing it.
Effie:
That’s when the thought struck her.
Fiona:
A thought struck me. What was the thought that struck me?
Zebulon:
All she needed... was a pilot.
Fiona:
A pi- OH FUCK SHIT. Okay! Uhhh... Hello? Who’s out there?
Cass:
(In earpiece.) Fiona? What’s the problem?
Fiona:
I’m looking at an abandoned ship from the bad guys. Can a person fly this thing?
Cass:
What happened to the bad guys in it?
Fiona:
I have this robot, Peter... It’s a long story. Can someone fly it?
Cass:
Yes, we steal them all the time.
Fiona:
Okay, hang on.
Fiona runs inside the diner.
Fiona:
Phil!
Phil:
What’s up?
Fiona:
Outside, right now.
Phil:
What are we doing?
Fiona and phil exit the diner.
Fiona:
Cass, how do I get someone in there?
Cass:
Do you have a pilot?
Fiona:
Let me introduce you to Captain Philip Buck of the United States Air Force.
Phil:
Fiona?
Cass:
Hello, Captain. Fiona, get him underneath the nose cone.
Fiona:
Okay.
Cass:
Fiona, what the hell’s going on?
Fiona:
They’re trying to kill Voon. You’ve got to get up there.
Phil:
Shit. Alright... Uh, beam me up or whatever?
Cass:
Here we go.
Phil is suddenly sucked up into the cockpit of the enemy ship.
Phil:
Oh, shit!
Cass:
Captain, what’s a plane you’re the most comfortable with?
Phil:
Uh, F-4 Phantom II.
Cass:
Oooh, old school. Okay, the control panel is modular. It’ll start changing right in front of you.
The control panel starts to change.
Phil:
Okay... Okay, this is looking familiar.
Cass:
Get up there, Flyboy.
Phil:
Here goes nothing.
Phil hits the throttle and the ship takes off as we move to a secluded area of the battlefield. Trinkett has buried her feet in the ground and frank keeps watch.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Frank, are you guys in position?
Frank:
I mean, sure.
Leif:
Sure?
Frank:
We’re sitting here on the outskirts of the battle field and Trinkett has her feet buried in the ground. Is that “in position?”
Leif:
I guess that’s up to Trinkett.
Frank:
Trinkett, how’s the ground feeling?
Trinkett:
It’s a very strange planet.
Frank:
It’s a very strange planet, Leif.
Trinkett:
But I think I’ve got a handle on it.
Frank:
She thinks she’s got a handle on it.
Leif:
Trinkett, I’m trying to get Krok’s location. Try and look for the thing that has the worst vibes on the battlefield. There should be all kinds of evil coming off of this guy.
Trinkett:
Oh, yeah... Oh yeah, I’ve got him. He’s inside the castle. Wow.
Leif:
Good. In the middle of the castle, there’s a huge hall. It’s massive. So big you can’t even see the ceiling.
Trinkett:
Okay.
Leif:
There’s a bunch of other things that have to happen first, but when the time is right, I need you to tell me when Krok is in that hall.
Trinkett:
Okay. Okay, I think I can do that.
Leif:
Great.
Frank:
Leif, how’s it going over there? Are we winning or losing?
Leif:
Well, right now everything is a big ball of chaos, and sometimes that leads to us winning.
Frank:
Great.
Leif:
Hang tight, I’ll let you know when it’s time.
Frank:
No problem. So, Leif, all these places I see all around me. Cafes, corner stores... they’re all like the mountain?
Leif:
Yeah. Crazy right?
Frank:
We’re next to a laundromat right now. You’re telling me someone had to travel through the cosmos in a laundromat?
Leif:
Makes that mountain of yours look pretty good, doesn’t it?
Frank:
I guess so... How did we get here?
Trinkett:
What do you mean?
Frank:
Look at us, this is ridiculous.
Trinkett:
Is it ridiculous? Or were our lives before this ridiculous?
Frank:
What are you talking about?
Trinkett:
I don’t know... Remember when I was writing a book? What was I even writing a book about? Remember when your biggest problem was the motel you inherited from your dad? Feels kind of ridiculous to me.
Frank:
I think I prefer that level of ridiculous.
Trinkett:
I know, Frank. Sadly, we’re not the ones in charge.
Frank:
Who the hell is in change, Trinkett? And what’s their deal?
Trinkett:
Shit, Frank. I don’t know. Whoever they are, they’ve decided there will be no quiet life in the mountains for us.
Frank:
Why us and not someone else?
Trinkett:
I don’t know. Maybe somebody else would just fuck it up.
Frank:
I’m going to write a strongly worded email.
Trinkett:
You’ve never written an email in your life.
Back in the phoenix’s cockpit. The wing is grazed by another attack.
Verge:
Shit!
Eldin:
Ohh. We shouldn’t take another hit like that.
Verge:
Little help up here!
Phil opens fire on the enemy fighters and hits two of them.
Verge:
What was that?
Phil:
(In earpiece.) Splash two!
Verge:
My hero.
Cass:
(In earpiece.) Nice shot, Captain. How are you doing up there?
Phil:
This thing flies pretty good. She’s got a fat ass though.
Fiona:
(In earpiece.) First time you’ve ever complained about that, Heyoooo!
Phil:
Very funny.
Verge:
I love this guy already.
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) What the hell is going on in the sky?
Phil:
Who am I talking to up here?
Verge:
Verge.
Phil:
Alright, Verge. Whip around that mountain as fast as you can. You’ll see me coming at you but don’t worry, I won’t hit you. Let’s get the rest of these assholes off your back.
Verge:
Sounds spicy. Voon, we’re about to pull some serious Gs, get ready.
Voon:
Oh, dear.
Verge:
Here we go...
The phoenix starts making a very sharp turn around the mountain. The g forces in the cockpit are very intense.
Deidre:
(In earpiece.) Hey, Baby?
Verge:
Yes... honey...
Deidre:
I think I want to paint the living room.
Verge:
Sweetie, can we... talk about this... later?
Deidre:
I’m just afraid that you’re not going to like the colors and you’re not going to tell me.
Verge:
Just... one more... second... honey...
Phil:
Break left!
The phoenix breaks left, phil opens fire, all four fighters are down.
Phil:
All four down!
Cass:
Nice work!
We move back to jezinka’s laboratory.
Ava:
Hey, Leif?
Leif:
(In earpiece.) What?
Ava:
So... I’m about to do something.
Leif:
Oh, God.
Ava:
When the concentrated beam of energy hits your mountain for an extended period of time: don’t worry about it.
Leif:
What are you doing, Ava?
Ava:
Trying to get you some particle cannons.
Leif:
What? Caspar, what is she doing?
Caspar:
Why in the world would you ask me?
Kazi:
(In earpiece.) Ava, firing the cannon is a bad thing. I thought that was established.
Ava:
Oh, I’m counting on it.
Kazi:
What?
Cass:
(In earpiece.) All ships, steer clear of the castle!
Ava:
Here comes the bullshit!
The big gun fires up and unloads a beam of constant energy at mt. Hood.
Verge:
(In earpiece.) Holy shit!
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) Whoa!
Voon:
(In earpiece.) Fascinating.
David:
Ava, what the fuck is all of this for?
Ava:
The beam is new energy, harvested from vacuum fluctuations.
Caspar:
So what?
Ava:
It’s energy that doesn’t belong in this universe!
David:
So what?
Ava:
It’s a really big problem.
Caspar:
I think we’re aware of that.
The beam shuts down.
Jezinka:
Energy depleted. Gathering data.
Ava:
What happens when there’s a really big problem?
Caspar:
What?
All across the battlefield we begin hearing explosions.
Zebulon:
On that day, Ava exemplified something she’d always believed at her core.
Effie:
That so much of the world we live in is built on assumptions, and to see past them is to transform the world they are built on.
Zebulon:
And on that day, her beliefs turned a beam of deadly, world-killing energy, into a beacon.
David:
What’s that sound?
Phil:
(In earpiece.) Y’all, I’m seeing something weird from up here.
Gloria:
We’re seeing it down here.
Fiona:
(In earpiece.) Oh, my God.
Kazi:
Ava, what am I looking at?
Phil:
More joints keep showing up all over the battlefield.
Kazi:
Joints?
Phil:
I’m seeing The Graveyard Waffle House, The In-Between Cafe, Jade Compass Chinese Takeout, Ray-Gun Tattoo. Oh Shit, mini-golf? A city bus is down there, y’all! They’re all appearing out of nowhere.
David:
Holy shit. You created a big problem so that a bunch of diners would show up?
Ava:
Yep.
Caspar:
Ava, this is very clever, but how does any of this help us?
Ava:
Our Leif dismantled his particle cannon... did ALL of them?
From all over the battlefield, the leifs start calling in. A few stand out in the crowd.
Big Leif:
(In earpiece.) Someone want to tell me what’s going on?
Intense Leif:
(In earpiece.) What fresh hell is this?
Canadian Leif:
(In earpiece.) Hey, what’s all this aboot?
Pink! Leif:
(In earpiece.) This can’t be good news.
Italian Leif:
(In earpiece.) Dove siamo arrivati?
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Holy identity crisis, Batman.
Verge:
(In earpiece.) This is my nightmare.
Ava:
Mad. Scientist. Thundercrash.
Leif:
Ava, what am I supposed to do?
Gloria:
(Shouting over the cacophony of Leifs.) Excuse me! Excuse me, Leifs?! I need all the Leif’s to to shut up please!!
The leif’s calm down.
Gloria:
Look, guys, there’s no time to explain. I need you to sound off if you’ve got a particle cannon on your roof.
Big Leif:
I got mine.
Intense Leif:
I’ve got two of them.
Canadian Leif:
Oh yeah, sure, real nice one.
Pink! Leif:
Mine’s pink.
Italian Leif:
Sì, naturalmente.
Leif:
Okay, listen up Leifs. If you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of a big battle here. That castle is the target, and the whole thing is covered with Meesock’s Tabernacle.
Big Leif:
Seriously?
Intense Leif:
That’s impossible.
Canadian Leif:
That’s actually doable, boys.
Pink! Leif:
What are we supposed to do about it?
Italian Leif:
Molto impressionante.
Leif:
If we don’t breach that shield, the guy inside is going to bring down the entire universe. I’ll explain later, I promise. I need everyone to coordinate their particle cannons in the following configuration...
We move to the cockpit of the phoenix.
Voon:
Calculations successful. Attention all parties: I am ready to deploy my protocols.
Fiona:
Do it, Voon!
Voon:
This will come in two waves. Wave number one will deactivate their shields. Deploy tactical dome: full theater.
Voon’s virtual dome covers the entire battlefield.
Texas Leif:
Aw, hell. Did somebody just pop an Urt dome?
Always Up For A Mellow Hang Leif:
Have we got an Urt in the chat?
Xtreme Leif:
Fuck yeah!
Steampunk Leif:
What ho, chaps! May I be of assistance with my fantabulous steam powered automaton?
Big Leif:
What?
Leif:
Jesus Christ, is there a Steampunk Leif in the chat?
Pink! Leif:
Booo!
Intense Leif:
Give me a break.
Leif:
Get the fuck out of the chat!
Steampunk Leif:
I have a dirigible!
Voon:
Protocol implemented. The enemy soldiers’ shields are down.
Teta:
Holy shit. Their shields are down! Everybody push forward!
We hear the sound of teta’s army charging forward as we move back to Frank and Trinkett.
Frank:
Sounds like the tide is turning over there. Leif, what’s the situation? I just saw a used bookstore appear out of nowhere.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) It’s getting weird, that’s for sure. We’re about to make a big move, and then it’ll be Trinkett’s turn.
Trinkett:
I’m ready.
Frank:
She’s ready.
Leif:
Standby.
We hear a group of mystery men approaching frank and trinkett.
Frank:
Shit.
Trinkett:
What?
Frank:
We’ve got a group of bad guys headed for us. I think they’re trying to mount a sneak attack or something.
Trinkett:
What should we do?
Frank:
Uh... Okay, stay here. I’m going to go inside the Laundromat. Just act casual, okay?
Trinkett:
Okay.
Frank runs off as trinkett is approached by three mystery men.
Mystery Man:
Stay where you are.
Trinkett:
I kind of have to, my feet are buried in the ground.
Mystery Man 2:
Why are your feet buried in the ground?
Trinkett:
It’s how I relax.
Mystery Man 3:
It doesn’t look relaxing.
Trinkett:
Have you ever tried it?
Mystery Man:
Who are you?
Trinkett:
I’m Trinkett.
Mystery Man 2:
Do we shoot her?
Mystery Man:
I guess so?
Mystery Man 3:
Look out!
An industrial sized washing machine flies at them and crashes to the ground.
Mystery Man:
Holy shit!!
Mystery Man 2:
What was that?!
Frank:
(Inside the laundromat.) A washing machine. Here, you want another?
Another washing machine flies toward them.
Mystery Man 3:
Get out of the way!
The machine crashes to the ground as they fire their guns at frank.
Frank:
You guys are probably going to need a dryer, right?
A dryer flies through the air and lands next to them. After that, the appliances keep coming.
Mystery Man:
Fall back!
An appliance lands right on top of the mystery man.
Mystery Man:
AHHHHHHHHOOWWWWW! I’m trapped! Help me!
Mystery Man 2:
Let’s get out of there!
The other two mystery men run off.
Mystery Man:
You assholes!
Frank approaches the mystery man that’s pinned under the appliance.
Frank:
Let’s hope these are still under warranty, right?
Mystery Man:
Who are you?
Frank:
I’m Frank. That’s Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Hi.
Mystery Man:
Human beings can’t do what you just did.
Frank:
I don’t know about that. If you believe, you can achieve, right?
Frank doesn’t see the Mystery Man reaching for his gun.
Frank:
That’s what you would say, right Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Frank.
Frank:
When you wish upon a star, and all that.
Trinkett:
Frank!
The mystery man fires his gun and hits frank. Frank is instantly transported to a random point in space/time.
Trinkett:
... Frank?
The ground underneath trinkett begins to rumble.
Trinkett:
FRANK!
Trinkett’s voice rings out as the entire battlefield is rocked by a huge earthquake. We move back to kazi’s ship.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Oh, shit!
Kazi:
What’s happening?
Cass:
Huge seismic event, ma’am.
Kazi:
Is it coming from the castle?
Cass:
Epicenter is somewhere in the battle field.
Leif:
Don’t let that stop you, Leifs! We need to open that shield!
Italian Leif:
Siamo pronti!
Pink! Leif:
I’m in the zone!
Big Leif:
Ready to go!
Intense Leif:
Locked and loaded.
Canadian Leif:
Let’s mess around boys!
Leif:
Three... two... one... fire!
Across the battlefield, several particle cannons fire at the castle shields.
Leif:
Nice! Okay, keep that up! We’re going to need at least ninety seconds! Enough pressure and we should open it up about one millimeter. That’s all the opening I need.
Voon:
(In earpiece.) Activating second wave protocol now. I am deactivating the infantry’s weaponry.
Kazi:
Teta, report. Have they stopped firing their weapons?
Teta:
(In earpiece.) Well, goddamn. Now I’m going to have to do my least favorite thing... take prisoners.
Leif:
Frank, we’re almost ready... Frank?
Eldin:
Frank are you there?
Leif:
What’s his location?
Eldin:
His phone appears to be offline.
Verge:
(In earpiece.) We’ll head down and look for him.
Leif:
We don’t have time to look for him. I need information on the inside. Caspar, where is Ex?
Ex:
(In earpiece.)(Whispering.) Leif, I can hear you.
Leif:
Why are you whispering?
Ex:
Krok and I have been going at it for a while. It’s turned into a little bit of hide and seek.
Leif:
Okay. Listen. I need you to lure him into the main hall. That huge room with the tall ceiling.
Ex:
Okay. Then what?
Leif:
Just let me know when you’re there.
We move to tavrok’s cabin. Leif is outside activating a massive contraption. We hear the call of the mungo.
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) Hey, Leif?
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
It’s good to have you back.
Leif:
... It’s good to be back... Okay, Lucian... Showtime.
Ex:
(In earpiece.) He’s here, Leif.
Leif:
I need him in the exact center of the room. And get ready to teleport away.
Ex:
Got it.
We move to the central hall of krok’s castle. Krok enters.
Krok:
So, we end where we began.
Ex:
Thanks for giving me a tour of the place.
Krok:
You are... exceedingly powerful.
Ex:
Thank you.
Krok:
What do you do with all this power of yours?
Ex:
Well, mostly I raise trees, but every once and a while I like to go on a crazy weekend with my human friends.
Krok:
You’re wasting your potential.
Ex:
I see how you might think that, but I can’t say that I agree.
Krok:
You think you’re meant to engage in this ridiculous charade with your insignificant friends?
Ex:
I think it’s when you say “meant to,” that you lose me. That implies there’s some sort of grand plan out there. Some sort of hero’s journey waiting in the wings... I don’t think I’m meant to do anything. I think the universe just sits there existing, and we tell ourselves a story about it.
Krok:
I’ve never heard something so childish.
Ex:
Well, if you’re looking for maturity, you’ve got the wrong group of people... Do it, Leif.
Ex teleports away. High above at the top of the great hall, the mungo appears. It instantly begins plummeting downward towards krok, howling in confusion.
Krok:
You must be joking.
The mungo lands directly on top of krok with a deafening crash that echoes through the castle. Ex reappears in the aftermath.
Ex:
Oh my god. Leif, what did you do?
Leif:
(In earpiece.) I dropped a Mungo on him.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) You did what?
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) A mungo?!
David:
(In earpiece.) On top of him?
Gloria:
Where the hell did you get a Mungo?
Ava:
(In earpiece.) Is the Mungo okay?
Caspar:
Leif, that’s a weird way to try and end things, but I don’t think that’s going to be enough.
Leif:
That was just the first part.
The mungo howls again, but this time it’s very different. It sounds very very mad.
Gloria:
Oh no, I know that sound.
Caspar:
Me, too.
Ava:
Me, too.
Ex:
He does not sound happy.
Leif:
Ex. Get everybody out of there right now.
Ex:
What’s happening?
Leif:
The Mungo’s about to go Godzilla on the castle.
Ex:
Oh, shit.
Ex fires up the cube and booms away. We move to a hill far away from the castle. In the distance we can hear the castle slowly being demolished by the rampaging mungo. In the cube, ava talks to jezinka. Karl is purring in her lap.
Jezinka:
Where are we?
Ava:
We’re inside the Boom Cube. We use it to move around.
Jezinka:
I would like to stay here.
Ava:
That’s totally fine. Just so you know, we’re far away from the castle on a hill, so there won’t be any unexpected loud noises. Also, I’ve got David’s sunglasses here. I’m going to put these on you because it’s brighter out here than in your laboratory.
Ava puts the sunglasses on her.
Jezinka:
I like the sunglasses.
Ava:
Me, too. It’s a look. So, listen, Jezinka. There’s going to be a lot of changes coming up, okay? I know that’s going to be challenging. But we’ll make sure that you have a schedule for each day, and we’ll get you another laboratory as soon as possible, alright? In the meantime, you’ve got your keyboard here, and I don’t think Karl is going to be leaving your lap anytime soon. Okay?
Jezinka:
How do you know I need this?
Ava:
From working with a lot of scientists. I’m going to go and talk to my friends now. Would you like to come with me?
Jezinka:
I would like to stay in the cube.
Ava:
Okay. I’ll be back.
Ava exits the cube. David, Ex and Caspar are watching the destruction from afar.
David:
That’s the angriest animal I’ve ever seen in my life.
Caspar:
He is going HAM on that castle.
Ava:
Should we do something about the rampaging Mungo?
Ex:
Probably.
Leif approaches.
Leif:
Hey!
Caspar:
There he is!
Leif:
I can’t believe we did it!
Ava:
I can’t believe your solution was a Mungo-drop.
Leif:
I can’t believe yours was The Day of the Doctor.
Ava:
I don’t know what that means.
David:
How many Leifs are out there right now?
Leif:
Guys. Judging by the radio chatter there’s not just a bunch of Leifs out there.
David:
Let’s gather up all the duplicates and have a softball game.
Leif:
That’s not a bad idea. First things first though. Ex. Take this.
Ex:
This is a jar of honey.
Leif:
Yeah. The mungo’s injured and the only way to calm him down is to put honey on the wounds.
Ex:
Aw. Poor bastard. I’ll be right back.
Ex teleports away.
Caspar:
So. A mountain.
Leif:
You guys. I have got about a million stories to tell you.
Ava:
Well, don’t start yet, we’ve got incoming.
Phil’s ship swings down from the sky and drops off gloria. She’s holding the radio.
Gloria:
You guys!
Leif:
Gloria!
Zebulon:
“Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.”
Effie:
Well look at this sight for sore eyes.
Ava:
Y’all, this Mucklewain bit may have been my favorite of the Mucklewain bits.
Effie:
I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Ava.
Gloria:
You guys, that was so stressful.
David:
We had to get shrunk down to the subatomic level.
Caspar:
We were so small.
Gloria:
Leif. What the fuck with the mountain?
Leif:
Pretty great, right?
Caspar:
You had a space ship. You had an army of mercenaries. It was like the end of Time Bandits.
Leif:
Luckily, with a less ambiguous ending.
Gloria:
Leif, who are all these people? I have to thank every single one of them.
Leif:
You’ll have time, trust me. They’re a little occupied at the moment... They’re down a man.
Gloria:
Oh, no.
We move to the battlefield. Verge makes their way through the buildings and rubble to find Trinkett.
Verge:
... I found her.
Verge approaches trinkett and sits down on the ground with her.
Verge:
Hey, Witchy-poo.
Trinkett:
...
Verge:
...
Trinkett:
... All that’s left of the soldier that shot him is that pile of mushrooms... I didn’t mean to do that.
Verge:
I’m sure.
Trinkett:
... Is everyone else okay?
Verge:
We’re okay.
Trinkett:
... He’s gone.
Verge:
... Their guns don't kill you.
Trinkett:
What do you mean?
Verge:
They don't kill you. They send you somewhere— a random place in space and time. To most people, that means death, since the vast majority of space and time is just the void of space. But for our boy Frank...
Trinkett:
He’s still alive?
Eldin:
Almost definitely, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
... But he’s just out there somewhere? What if he needs help?
Verge:
We don't know what to tell you about that. But there is somebody who may know where to start.
Trinkett:
Who?
Libuza:
(In earpiece.) Trinkett? I thought I saw you out on the battlefield. Do you recognize my voice? Do you remember me?
Trinkett:
... Libuza?
Libuza:
I can't tell you where your friend is, but I think there are some things we can figure out. How about you meet me in our special place, and we'll see what we can see?
Trinkett:
Okay... Okay, I’ll be there soon.
Verge:
Trinkett, maybe you should rest first.
Trinkett:
Fuck no. Get me back to my shop.
Verge:
Okay, up we go.
We move to the rubble of Krok’s castle. Teta lifts a huge piece of rubble and tosses it, revealing the broken and barely alive body of Krok.
Teta:
Found him... Hello, dad.
Kazi approaches.
Kazi:
... Father.
Krok:
My dear... I believe you've killed me.
Kazi:
I certainly hope so.
Krok:
I didn’t think it possible... How did you manage it?
Kazi:
“So long as my dream lives, I live.” That's what you said to me... So I killed your dream.
Krok:
Well, I would say that's a poetic ending, but you do hate poetry, don't you?... You realize, with me gone, there'll be no one to protect this universe.
Kazi:
If this is what protection looks like, I choose danger.
Krok:
Remember those words when he comes for you... So, what shall the killing blow be, then? A public hanging? Burned at the stake?
Kazi:
Nothing so clean as that, father.
The murder beast approaches, growling and breathing deep.
Krok:
Really dear?... Like this?
Kazi:
... Who says I hate poetry?
The murder beast howls into the sky, it’s shrieks echoing for miles.
The end.
No next episode