Midnight Burger
Chapter 56: Party at the Sheep’s Eye
We fade in slowly on a strange vessel traveling through the stars. Leif wakes up, looks around, and then realizes he’s got a new arm.
Leif:
What the fuck?... Hello?... Hello?... What did you do to my arm?... What is this?... Hello?
Lief cautiously gets up and begins walking through the ship.
Leif:
Hello?
Leif walks into a larger room. Someone is working in a workshop unlike anything he’s ever seen.
Leif:
Who are you?
The man continues working while he talks to leif.
The Man:
Hello! How’s the arm?
Leif:
Did you do this?
The Man:
Yes, I apologize, sometimes I can’t help myself. The other one was... well it was quite bad, wasn’t it? Very ugly. Couldn’t have been comfortable, was it comfortable?
Leif:
No.
The Man:
Good to be rid of it then. Such a rudimentary lesson to understand the sameness between organics and synthetics, I’m not sure why people have so much trouble. I’m sure they’ll catch on eventually.
Leif:
Who are you?
The Man:
... Oh... we haven’t met?
Leif:
No.
The Man:
I apologize. I have a tenuous relationship with the things that you cling to. We’ve met many times, you and I, I didn’t realize this was the first time for you. I’ll take a step back. My name is Meesock.
Leif:
... Meesock?
Meesock:
Yes.
Leif:
You... you’re supposed to be dead.
Meesock:
Am I?
Leif:
Yes.
Meesock:
Dead?
Leif:
Yes.
Meesock:
... How did I manage that?
Leif:
How did you... There’s no propulsion vibrations in this ship.
Meesock:
There shouldn’t be.
Leif:
... This is Meesock’s Chariot.
Meesock:
It is. How do you like it?
Leif:
It’s... you’re Meesock.
Meesock:
Nice to meet you again, Leif.
Leif:
... How is this happening? What am I doing here?
Meesock:
Well, I was going about my business and I heard something very familiar. A particular signal I hadn’t heard in quite some time. Turns out it was coming from this.
Meesock has leif’s space pager. He activates it.
Meesock:
Not what I was expecting. Very interesting idea to make a signal repeater. Did you make it?
Leif:
Uh, kind of.
Meesock:
It’s very cute.
Leif:
How did you know that signal, that’s the diner’s signal.
Meesock:
The diner?
Leif:
Yes.
Meesock:
Is that what it’s called?
Leif:
Yes. Midnight Burger.
Meesock:
Oooh. Midnight Burger, that sounds fun. How’s it been going with “Midnight Burger?”
Leif:
Wait, how did you know the signal but not know what the signal was from?
Meesock:
Oh, I don’t decide what form they take, Leif I just sort of... Set them free.
Leif:
Set them free...
Meesock:
Come over here, I’ll show you.
Messock approaches a glowing point of light on the other end of the workshop.
Meesock:
I think this one’s about ready.
Leif:
... What is it?
Meesock:
Now now, work a little harder, Leif.
Leif:
Work a little harder?
Meesock:
Take it all in... Tell me what you see.
Leif:
A single point of light.
Meesock:
Yes. Which must mean...
Leif:
... You collapse the properties into it dimensionally.
Meesock:
Good.
Leif:
... So that the whole thing only takes up one single point in space/time.
Meesock:
There we go.
Leif:
Each one unique, each one borrowing from the last.
Meesock:
I thought I’d try putting a river in this one.
Leif:
... A river?
Meesock:
I think it’s ready, what do you think?
Leif:
Ready for what?
Meesock:
Here we go!
The single point of light is encased in a tube. The tube is then loaded into a launcher.
Meesock:
Good luck out there!
The tube is launched into space.
Leif:
... You made the diner... And the Paradise, and the Stone Fox and... The Bingo Hall... It was all you.
Meesock:
I suppose, by the transitive property, I made them. But as I said, once they leave me I have no control over what they become. They fall where they may.
Leif:
... Holy shit...
Meesock:
You know, every time I explain this to you, you have the same reaction... Dumbfounded... But then you can’t help yourself, so you try and figure it out.
Leif:
So, it’s a loose framework of properties.
Meesock:
That’s right.
Leif:
All the properties are folded dimensionally into a single point in space/time.
Meesock:
As you said.
Leif:
Then, when they find a home they... they unfold.
Meesock:
You’ve got it.
Leif:
But they can’t unfold anywhere.
Meesock:
No.
Leif:
They have to be... What? Someplace that invites people in?
Meesock:
Correct.
Leif:
That seems so random. Why?
Meesock:
Well, they’re meant to be change agents, aren’t they? Agitants— there to shake things up. I’ve discovered that change needs to be authentic, Leif. It needs to come from within. It can’t come from me because, well, I’m not from here, am I? I was born before the universe was born. How can I truly know what it needs? My place will always be on the outside looking in. Only those who are a part of it can move it forward.
Leif:
But... Why?... What’s it all for?
Meesock:
Ah... You know that answer as well as I, Leif... Why do we make things?
Leif:
... Because we can see them but they’re not there.
Meesock:
Yes... But we must be careful with that feeling, must’t we? We must watch ourselves, Leif.
Leif:
... I haven’t been watching myself very well, lately.
Meesock:
Oh, yes, I know. Case in point.
The wall opens and something emerges. Leif’s cowcatcher hovers in front of them.
Meesock:
Here it is.
Leif:
... That’s my cowcatcher.
Meesock:
It is.
Leif:
You... caught it?
Meesock:
Well, I had to Leif. Look at it.
Leif:
...
Meesock:
Leif, it’s horrific.
Leif:
... I know.
Meesock:
We can’t do things like this, Leif.
Leif:
I know.
Meesock:
It’s wrong.
Leif:
... I regretted it as soon as I launched it.
Meesock:
I know you did, Leif. I know, because you forgot to arm it.
Leif:
What?
Meesock:
You forgot to arm it.
Leif:
... No way.
Meesock:
Yes. Let’s have a look inside.
The cowcatcher instantly expands.
Meesock:
See there...? That should go there, and that should go there.
Leif:
... I forgot to arm it.
Meesock:
You did.
Leif:
How could I forget to arm it?
Meesock:
I know, I know. It happens. Do you ever feel like there’s a little old man in your head secretly making you do things?
Leif:
All the fucking time.
Meesock:
Yes, well, looks like that was his work.
Leif:
Well, I’m glad I make a shitty mad scientist.
Meesock:
You must promise me, Leif. Never again.
Leif:
... I promise.
Meesock:
Good. Now. You often like to have something called “Lunch.” Do you need lunch?
Leif:
Lunch? No. I have about a million questions for you.
Meesock:
Oh, alright. Questions are good. Fire away.
Leif:
... I don’t know where to start.
Meesock:
Pick one, go on.
Leif:
The Mucklewains. Did you make the Mucklewains?
Meesock:
Mucklewains, that doesn’t sound familiar.
Leif:
They live in the radio. They’re like... Fuck, how do I describe them? They’re a signal... a waveform... But they’re conscious.
Meesock:
Hmm. That doesn’t sound like me. I try and stay away from temporally locked intelligences.
Leif:
Temporally locked intelligences?
Meesock:
I’ll give you an example. This way.
They walk through a portal into another room that is busy with activity. The room is full of Urts.
Meesock:
Hello, everyone. We have a Leif with us today. Everyone say hello.
Several of the Urts say “greetings” to him.
Leif:
... Hi. Who are they?
Meesock:
These are my colleagues.
Leif:
... They’re all Urts.
Meesock:
Ah. That’s my point, they’re not.
Leif:
What do you mean?
Meesock:
Well... At a certain point I thought it might be nice to have a conversation. Speak things out loud, you know? Have a sounding board. So I made all of them. It’s been lovely. We’ve done so much wonderful work together... However... One day I accidentally left some of them behind on a particular planet and I did not realize I had done so for a very long time. By the time I returned to them, I’m afraid several generations had gone by. And despite my absence, they seemed to be doing just fine. In fact, they’d forgotten all about me. So, I decided to leave them be. And I decided from that day forward, no more temporally locked intelligences. I’m no good at it.
Leif:
You made the Urt civilization... on accident?
Meesock:
I take no credit for their civilization, they created that all on their own. Quite a nice one at that.
Leif:
This is so nuts, man.
An alarm chimes in the room.
Meesock:
Ah, we’re ready!
Leif:
Ready for what?
Meesock:
Everyone to your stations, let’s see how this goes. Over here, Leif.
Leif:
Okay.
Meesock brings up a massive screen.
Meesock:
Here’s our point of interest today. Two black holes: We’re calling this one Mother Grimm and this one Grimm Knight. What do you see?
Leif:
Um... They’re feeding off each other’s plasma jets.
Meesock:
Correct. The plasma ejecta from Mother Grimm flies over ten million lightyears until it reaches Grimm Knight where it’s consumed. Grimm Kight, in turn, sends his plasma jet to her, where it’s consumed. A balance of energy between the two. It’s lovely.
Leif:
Sure.
Meesock:
And, tell me, Leif. What does that create in the point equidistant to the two of them?
Leif:
Uh... a vortex?
Meesock:
Very good. Between the two black holes is a vortex of these plasma streams not unlike two crosswinds creating a dust devil. The difference being, this vortex is constant and stable. And what is constant and stable energy for us?
Leif:
... An opportunity.
Meesock:
And away we go! Let’s deploy the plasma foils!
We hear the opening of a massive construct. It sounds strangely musical.
Meesock:
Let’s watch now. The foils are deployed and begin to harness the energy of the passing plasma streams, each traveling in opposite directions and...
Leif:
It’s spinning.
Meesock:
Excellent work, everyone! Let’s keep monitoring the energy!
Leif:
You made a windmill.
Meesock:
Essentially.
Leif:
What’s the scale of this thing?
Meesock:
I have difficulty with scale. I’d say it’s roughly the size you your home.
Leif:
Earth?
Meesock:
Your home system.
Leif:
You... You made a cosmic windmill the size of my solar system?
Meesock:
We did.
Leif:
... Why?
Meesock:
No idea. An interesting experiment, though. The center of the windmill will begin to harness the energy of the spinning foils, then emanate the energy. Not unlike a star. A star that doesn’t rely on the churn of particle reactions, but rather just the wind of the universe.
Leif:
An artificial, nova-free, star.
Meesock:
Essentially.
Leif:
... So, you just bounce around the cosmos making things?
Meesock:
Well, what do you do?
Leif:
... That’s fair.
Meesock:
Come along, let me give you a tour of the place.
Leif:
Sure.
Meesock:
I’ll be back in a bit, everyone. Remember, a Leif is here, so we will have lunch!
They walk through a door and onto a moving platform. The platform begins to move through the massive ship.
Leif:
Jesus Christ, how big is this ship?
Meesock:
Again, I’m not good with scale. It’s quite large. We just kept adding to it.
Leif:
Amazing... I can’t believe I’m standing here with you.
Meesock:
Here I am!
Leif:
... I made the tabernacle one time.
Meesock:
Did you? How did it go?
Leif:
It saved my life.
Meesock:
Good! That was the intention. Tell me... did you discover its dirty little secret?
Leif:
Yeah.
Meesock:
Good.
Leif:
The coarseness on the outside of the field, right?
Meesock:
Indeed. If you know what you’re doing, you can penetrate the forcefield.
Leif:
Why did you make it that way? It feels unnecessary.
Meesock:
Meesock’s Tabernacle is, in essence, an impenetrable forcefield. Even in the strongest of fortresses it’s best to add a back door. You don’t want people to misuse it. A bit nostalgic to think on it. It was such a simple idea.
Leif:
Speaking of nostalgia... You said you hadn’t heard the signal for the diner in a long time.
Meesock:
It’s true.
Leif:
You’ve made so many of these things, you must hear their signals all the time. What made the diner so special?
Meesock:
Ah. Good question. Let me show you.
Meesock brings the people mover to a stop.
Meesock:
This way.
They enter into a dome-like observatory. It begins to startup with strange noises.
Meesock:
Welcome to Meesock’s Observatory. Here we can view any point in history. It’s not a simulation. It’s the real deal. I want to take you somewhere.
The observatory lurches backward through time.
Leif:
Oh, this fucking rules.
Meesock:
It’s nice isn’t it? I built it because of my tendency to forget so much. Now if I’ve forgotten something I simply travel to the point of inception and observe what I’d forgotten. That was the intention anyway. Sometimes I forget it’s here. I forget how I remember!
The observatory comes to a stop.
Meesock:
Here we are.
Leif:
Where are we?
Meesock:
On a rock. A rock at the beginning of the universe. Shortly after I came into being... Look over there.
Leif:
... That’s you.
Meesock:
There was so much I didn’t know. All I knew is that I needed to create... Look there, between the palms of my hands. Do you see it? A single point of light... see how I fold in the properties dimensionally?... And then when I’m done... I set it free.
Leif:
That point of light was Midnight Burger.
Meesock:
It was my first one... You know how it is with the first one, yes?
Leif:
Crammed full of too many ideas. No clear use case. And even though you made it...
Meesock:
Even you aren’t exactly sure how it works... I made countless others after that. All of them more elegant, more organized, even more powerful.
Leif:
But you never forget the first one.
Meesock:
Never. And it all began here... At the nexus of all things.
Leif:
... Wait... You said this was shortly after you came into being?
Meesock:
In a sense, yes. As I said, I am not a part of this universe. I existed before it began. It all unfolded in front of me.
Leif:
Before that, you existed in a place without time or space.
Meesock:
Yes.
Leif:
I’ve heard that story before.
Meesock:
You have? Oh dear, have I told you all of this before?
Leif:
No. I heard it from someone else. Someone named Krok.
Meesock:
... Oh... Oh dear.
Leif:
He said he came from a time before the universe began. Before time and space.
Meesock:
...
Leif:
What’s going on?
Meesock:
... That’s why you were making that terrible weapon.
Leif:
Yes.
Meesock:
...
Leif:
He tried to kill me and my friends. He’s trying to-
Something shimmers into being outside the dome.
Leif:
What the fuck?... Is that another dome?
Meesock:
What?
Leif:
Look, over there. It looks like another observatory.
Meesock:
... Oh, my.
Leif:
Is there someone in there?
Meesock:
Oh, my.
Leif:
Ava?... Ava, what are you doing in there? Where are you? Ava?... Where are you going?
Meesock:
Why is he building things?
Leif:
Who? What do you mean?
Meesock:
He doesn’t need to build things. Why is he building things?
Leif:
Who are you talking about?... Ava, what—... Ava, what does that say?... “ Ozpinhead?” What the hell does that mean? Ava?
Meesock:
We have to go. We must go right now.
Leif:
Wait, she’s trying to tell me something. Ava!
Meesock shuts down the observatory and the door opens.
Meesock:
This way. We must hurry.
Leif:
Meesock, wait!
Leif follows Meesock into the people mover as it speeds forward.
Meesock:
We’ve gotten his attention now. We’ll have to move quickly.
Leif:
He’s... He’s your brother?... That’s it, isn’t it? It was you and him at the beginning of the universe? That’s... You’re the one he’s scared of.
The people mover has stopped and they move into an open hall. Meesock begins activating many nodes and switches in the room.
Meesock:
I’ll need to send you somewhere.
Leif:
Wait.
Meesock:
There are few places he can’t go— but there is one place.
Leif:
STOP!
Meesock:
... I’m sorry about this. I should’ve known when I saw that terrible weapon of yours.
Leif:
Listen to me. I thought there was something strange about the empire he was creating. The weapons, the defensive measures, all of the precautions he was taking have nothing to do with us. If you want to kill a small group of humans, you need different equipment... The weapons weren’t to defend against us. There’s something else he’s scared of... Obviously, it’s you. He hates these creations of yours. He’s always trying to capture them... He’s scared of you. You’ve got to help us.
Meesock:
I can’t do that, Leif.
Leif:
I know this isn’t the life you want to live. I know you’d rather be out here creating things. But it’s not the life I want either. I’m begging you-
Meesock:
There were three of us... In the beginning, there were three of us... I just wanted to make things... But Krok... Krok fell in love with the universe... He likes to fall in love. But... Then there was Tirok.
Leif:
Tirok?
Meesock:
... The three of us were presented with a new world. I thought it was there for us to play in. But Krok and Tirok, they needed to know more. They needed to know why it had all happened. Why, so suddenly, was there a new world before us? This strange universe? Why was there something instead of nothing?
They made a pact. They would use their immense power to discern the nature of the universe. They would find out why it was all here. They would find out why their existence had become this. Over the ages, Krok fell in love with the universe. But Tirok... Tirok was driven mad by it. To be so powerful, and yet for there to be one thing out of your reach— it can drive you mad. It can make all of your power mean nothing.
In his madness, Tirok created a plan... "If it was meant to be, it shall continue to be. But if all of this was some sick accident, then I will grind us back into nothingness,” he said.
Since the universe would not present to him a reason for its existence, he sees all of us as living in a mistake. A mistake he seeks to correct... I don’t know where he is now. I believe he may dwell in the fringes of the universe— out in the nothingness. He will learn from the nothingness. Then he will consume everything with it. Including himself.
Leif:
Tirok is trying to destroy... everything?
Meesock:
Krok doesn't fear me. To him I'm an annoyance, a hindrance. Tirok is the one he's truly terrified of. Leif, it may seem outlandish, but in his own misguided way, Krok truly is trying to save us. It's not his fault that he's gotten it all wrong.
Leif:
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Meesock:
Krok must still be stopped. Despite his intentions, his attempts to reshape the universe will only make things worse.
Leif:
I can’t stop him.
A strange alarm begins to go off in the ship.
Meesock:
You have to go. I’ll put you somewhere— somewhere that will help.
Leif:
Put me where?
Meesock:
Once upon a time, I thought I would fight back against Krok, so I built something. Then I realized I have no idea how to fight back. That’s where I’ll put you. I think I know where it is. There’s no time to do this safely, it may be very disorienting.
Leif:
What am I supposed to do?
Meesock:
Trust your mind, Leif. Your mind has gotten you this far. I’ll do everything I can to help.
Leif:
This can’t be how this ends.
Meesock:
Leif. I believe in you. What’s that thing you say? That thing you say when you’re about to do something amazing?
Leif:
What?
Meesock:
Showtime!
Meesock presses a button and Leif is teleported away. The sound of meesock’s ship fades into the sound of the astral sea. Trinkett sits on a rock and watches frank’s final moments play out in her memories as libuza emerges from the ocean.
Libuza:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
I’m here.
Libuza:
That took some doing. Running into you on accident was much easier than finding you on purpose.
Trinkett:
How do I learn how to swim in the ocean like that?
Libuza:
I have a lot of things assisting me right now, and it took me a very long time to learn. Also, I can’t recommend it. Plotting future paths is very taxing and... Well, I miss the present, to be honest.
Trinkett:
It sounds pretty good right now.
Libuza:
I’m sure.
Trinkett:
... So, how is this going to work?
Libuza:
I’m going to be your anchor. With me anchoring you here, you should be able to retain most of the memories, like you did for Leif.
Trinkett:
That was pretty hard on me when I did it for Leif.
Libuza:
I know. But like I said, I have a lot of things assisting me right now. I’ll be fine. Honestly, compared to the last few years, it’ll be a walk in the park.
Trinkett:
Okay.
Libuza:
Are you ready?
Trinkett:
... I’m ready. I can see what looks like a lighthouse in the distance. I think that’s where I need to go.
Libuza:
Okay. Good luck, Trinkett.
We move to a lighthouse along the shore. A massive light is constantly scanning the horizon. Trinkett walks up the winding stairs into the top of the lighthouse. Frank is there.
Trinkett:
... There you are.
Frank:
Hey. What are you doing here?
Trinkett:
Looking for you.
Frank:
Okay... you found me.
Trinkett:
I did.
Frank:
Now that you’re here, can you tell me where I am?
Trinkett:
I had this theory a while back. You told me you weren’t sleeping anymore, and I thought you might be existing in the physical world and the astral plane at the same time. Here you are.
Frank:
The astral plane?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Frank:
That doesn’t sound like the type of place I’d enjoy hanging out in.
Trinkett:
I know. But we all do when we dream. You don’t really dream, so there’s a part of you that’s always here.
Frank:
I don’t feel like I’ve been here that long.
Trinkett:
You never will. Time isn’t really a thing around here.
Frank:
Time isn’t really a thing?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Frank:
I feel like the more you explain this to me, the more it’s going to annoy me.
Trinkett:
Probably. We can skip it.
Frank:
Okay.
Trinkett:
Frank, do you remember what happened to you?
Frank:
What do you mean?
Trinkett:
You got separated from us.
Frank:
... Right... Right, there was some sort of battle going on.
Trinkett:
Yeah, it was crazy.
Frank:
Did we win?
Trinkett:
We did.
Frank:
But I didn’t make it.
Trinkett:
You made it... But now we don’t know where you are.
Frank:
So you came here to track me down?
Trinkett:
Kind of. I still don’t know where you are, but at least I know you’re okay. You are okay right?
Frank:
I feel okay.
Trinkett:
You probably can’t tell me where you are, can you?
Frank:
I’m right here.
Trinkett:
I mean the other you. Physical World Frank.
Frank:
Oh. No, I don’t know where I am. Why don’t I know where I am?
Trinkett:
It’s tricky to remember things from one place to another.
Frank:
Well that’s stupid. Why is it like that?
Trinkett:
I don’t know.
Frank:
... I can tell you that I’m okay. I know that. I don’t feel like I’m in danger or anything.
Trinkett:
Good... This is my fault.
Frank:
Why?
Trinkett:
I don’t know.
Frank:
No, it’s not.
Trinkett:
I was always pushing you into places that made you uncomfortable. I was kind of an asshole about it sometimes.
Frank:
No, you weren’t.
Trinkett:
Yes, I was.
Frank:
You were a little bit.
Trinkett:
See?
Frank:
It’s fine.
Trinkett:
It’s not fine.
Frank:
You didn’t make me do anything. What was the thing you made me do?
Trinkett:
I don’t know.
Frank:
I don’t either. You know why? Because apparently it’s tricky to remember things from one place to another.
Trinkett:
See? You don’t know.
Frank:
Trinkett, blaming yourself for this isn’t going to make it make more sense... You’re arguing with me on the astral plane. I feel like that’s not where people are supposed to argue.
Trinkett:
... I know.
Frank:
... Trinkett, what I can tell you about where I am: I’m okay... I’d like it if there were more trees, but I think I’m okay. In fact... I think I’m camping outside a lot. I think it’s nice and quiet.
Trinkett:
It sounds like you don’t want to be found.
Frank:
That’s the thing, Trinkett. I don’t want to be found... And that’s exactly why you have to find me... I’m sure that’s only something I would admit to on the astral plane... There was some kind of battle, right?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Frank:
Did we win?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Frank:
That’s great. Do me a favor then.
Trinkett:
What?
Frank:
Have a party.
Trinkett:
A party?
Frank:
Have a party. Celebrate. You guys deserve it. Then, after that, come and get me. Do you want to finish Star Wars or not?
Trinkett:
... Okay... I don’t know where to start.
Frank:
Well, Trinkett, you’re going to have to commune with the great celestial humpback whale, or whatever. Where are all those gods you’ve been praying to? Get them in here. Light some incense. Rally the toops, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Frank—
Frank:
Party first, though.
Trinkett:
What if I can’t find you?
Frank:
Hey... Help me, Trinkett Coralee... You’re my only hope.
The sound of the ocean gives way to the sound of the vistek powering down.
Libuza:
Nodes 10, 12, and 512 spin down. Begin compartmentalization and roll out new firmware... Caspar?
Caspar:
Hello!
Libuza:
What are you doing here?
Caspar:
I came here to see you.
Libuza:
Okay. Hi.
Caspar:
How did it go?
Libuza:
We found Frank. He’s okay, but we don’t know where he is.
Caspar:
Well, if I made it all the way back— twice— I’m sure he can figure it out.
Libuza:
I hope so. Aren’t there festivities outside or something?
Caspar:
It’s like Burning Man out there. Everyone has opened their doors and fired up their grill. Last night I had some transdimensional Pho. It was delightful.
Libuza:
So, what are you doing here?
Caspar:
You know what I’m doing here, Cassandra.
Libuza:
... Caspar-
Caspar:
I’d like for you to disconnect yourself from that machine now, please.
Libuza:
I will.
Caspar:
Right now, though.
Libuza:
It’s not as simple as that, Caspar. I have to power down-
Caspar:
Yes, that’s fascinating. I would like for you to disconnect yourself from that machine now, please.
Libuza:
I can’t just turn it off. I don’t think you understand-
Caspar:
Yes yes, I can’t possibly understand. I would like for you to disconnect yourself from that machine now, please.
Libuza:
Caspar, even though you insist I should act more like a kid, I’m not one. I have a long list of things I have to do before I can disconnect myself. I’m sorry if that’s frustrating.
Caspar:
I thought you might say that.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
Which is why I’ve brought this axe.
Caspar hefts and axe onto his shoulder.
Libuza:
An axe?
Caspar:
I borrowed it from a man named Tarvok. Tavrok? Whatever. I borrowed his axe.
Libuza:
Why did you borrow his axe?
Caspar:
Because if you don’t disconnect yourself from that machine, I’m going to chop you out of it.
Libuza:
Caspar, that’s ridiculous.
Caspar:
I think you’re forgetting who you’re talking to.
Libuza:
I’m pretty sure the titanium lined cables are axe proof.
Caspar:
Nothing’s axe proof if you work hard enough, Libuza.
Libuza:
Caspar can you let me do this at my own pace—
Caspar:
I would like for you to disconnect yourself from that machine now, please.
Libuza:
...
Caspar:
...
Libuza:
... I can’t.
Caspar:
Why?
Libuza:
I... I don’t remember how to be without it.
Caspar:
I figured.
Libuza:
I’m sure I can figure it out, but for now I think—
Caspar:
I would like. For you. To disconnect yourself. From that machine now, please.
Libuza:
... I’m scared.
Caspar:
It’s going to be okay.
Libuza:
I don’t think I can walk.
Caspar:
I figured. That’s why I enlisted some help.
A door opens and phil comes rolling through.
Caspar:
Libuza, meet Captain Philip Buck of the United States Airforce.
Phil:
Hello, Libuza. I hear you might need some help getting around.
Libuza:
Hello... What am I supposed to do?
Caspar:
Anywhere you need to go today, Phil will take you.
Libuza:
I’m... just going to ride around in his lap?
Caspar:
That’s right.
Libuza:
Caspar, I can just use a glide chair.
Caspar:
No more technology. Preferably never again. Instead you will be carted around by Phil. Look at his chair— it’s a symphony of simple machines.
Phil:
It could use some oil, so it’s a literal symphony right now.
Libuza:
I’m not going to talk you out of this, am I?
Caspar:
I’m a non-college educated man with an axe, Libuza. You’re not going to talk me out of a goddamn thing.
Libuza:
...
Caspar:
C’mon, Libuza. Let’s join the world.
Libuza:
... Get ready to catch me.
Caspar:
I’m ready.
Libuza starts to disconnect herself from the vistek as we move to the diner’s parking lot. Gloria walks out into the parking lot as a dirigible passes overhead.
Steampunk Leif:
(From the dirigible’s loudspeaker.) Attention all souls, dust off your finest dinner jacket and fancy frocks. Tonight we shall celebrate our victory at the Sheep’s Eye Public House upon yon mountain. There shall be libation and dancing for all.
Big leif walks by.
Gloria:
Hey, Big Leif.
Big Leif:
Hey there, Gloria.
Gloria:
Where you headed?
Big Leif:
Big meeting on the other side of the garden. Party at the Sheep’s Eye?
Gloria:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye. I’m bringing tamales.
Big Leif:
Nice. Save about twenty for me, okay?
Gloria:
Okay.
Jeremiah approaches.
Jeremiah:
Hello, hello, hello!
Gloria:
Oh my God! I was wondering if you guys were going to show up for the big showdown.
Jeremiah:
Well, we didn’t have a particle cannon on our roof, so we could only provide moral support. But that’s the sort of thing we excel at over at The Paradise. Looks like things got very interesting for you all after we parted ways.
Gloria:
Interesting is one way of putting it. It’s been insane.
Jeremiah:
Look at all of these Leifs everywhere.
Gloria:
I’m used to a few of them at a time, but this is ridiculous.
Jeremiah:
I’m going to be honest, it’s kind of unnerving.
Gloria:
It really is.
Jeremiah:
I found one of the benefits of Leif is that you can always outnumber him.
Gloria:
Yeah. We don’t want them hanging out with each other for too long, they’ll end up blowing us all up.
Jeremiah:
At least.
Gloria:
Hey... Have you seen any other Jeremiahs out there?
Jeremiah:
That’s actually why I’ve been walking around. Nothing yet, though. You?
Gloria:
Nothing yet... Do we want to meet other versions of ourselves?
Jeremiah:
I don’t actually know. I’ve been coming around every corner looking through my fingers like I’m watching a horror movie.
Gloria:
I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?
Jeremiah:
I’ve been saying that as well. I guess the big fear is that the other me is doing a much better job at being me.
Gloria:
Yeah, what if they’re really crushing it?
Jeremiah:
That’s the fear.
Fiona walks into the parking lot.
Fiona:
Hey Gloria, have you seen Phil?
Gloria:
He’s helping Caspar out with something. Fiona, remember I told you about that movie theater? This is Jeremiah.
Fiona:
Oh, wow.
Jeremiah:
Nice to meet you, Fiona. Gloria, I’m going to keep searching. I think I’ll try over by the mini-golf. Party at the Sheep’s Eye?
Gloria:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye.
Fiona:
I’ve been hiding inside. Do you think that’s normal?
Gloria:
I think we’ve all got some collective anxiety about running into other versions of ourselves.
Canadian leif is passing by.
Canadian Leif:
Gloria, how are ya’ now?
Gloria:
Hey, Canadian Leif.
Fiona:
I guess it’s something we can get used to, right? Leif definitely has.
Gloria:
Yeah. Where is he, by the way?
Fiona:
I haven’t seen him.
Voon exits the diner.
Voon:
Hello, Gloria.
Gloria:
Hey, Voon. Where are you guys headed?
Fiona:
Uh... We were just going to take a walk.
Gloria:
Cool. Hey, let me know if anyone else is doing tacos. I may want to steal some ideas.
Fiona:
Sure.
Voon:
Fiona.
Fiona:
Uh...
Gloria:
What’s wrong?
Voon:
Gloria, we have been in discussion.
Gloria:
What?
Fiona:
... There’s kind of an elephant in the room, Gloria.
Gloria:
What’s the elephant in the room?
Fiona:
Uh. Us?
Gloria:
... Oh.
Voon:
Going over several configurations, there does not seem to be adequate room within the diner for all designated residents.
Gloria:
Well, what about the deep freeze?
Voon:
There is certainly space within the deep freeze. However, the deep freeze is not conducive to long term residence.
Fiona:
It’s pretty cold in there.
Gloria:
... I know.
Voon:
In addition, there are many possibilities for us here.
Fiona:
There are a bunch of abandoned places here. They shouldn’t just sit there, right?
Voon:
The opportunity to study more than one construct over an extended period of time is a unique opportunity.
Fiona:
This place has been my home for a long time. But honestly, it never felt like mine... I think we need to go house hunting.
Gloria:
Well, shit.
Fiona:
I know.
Caspar, phil, and libuza approach.
Caspar:
We have liberated Libuza!
Libuza:
Hi, everyone.
Gloria:
Nice work, Caspar.
Fiona:
Libuza’s looking like Cleopatra riding in Phil’s chair like that.
Gloria:
I didn’t know he offered rides.
Fiona:
So many inappropriate jokes I could make right now.
Caspar:
Hey, where’s Ava?
Gloria:
She said she had an appointment.
Caspar:
An appointment? Is there a transdimensional nail salon or something?
Gloria:
There actually is— it’s called Space Claws. It’s just past Dog Star Hot Dogs.
Fiona:
I don’t think that’s where she was headed though.
Caspar:
Alright, where’s Leif then?
Gloria:
We haven’t seen him.
Caspar:
I’m going to check inside.
Fiona:
Phil, we broke the news to Gloria.
Phil:
Sorry, Gloria. I think we all know it’s for the best.
Gloria:
I guess.
Libuza:
What’s the news?
Phil:
We’re moving on. We’re going to find an abandoned place and make it our own.
Libuza:
Really?
Phil:
It’s a big multiverse out there, somebody’s got to patrol the streets.
Libuza:
That’s kind of exciting. Can I help you look?
Gloria:
I don’t think you have much choice, Libuza.
Libuza:
I hope you don’t mind me sitting in your lap for a while.
Phil:
You’re about 90 pounds soaking wet. I think I can manage.
Libuza:
Uh... You guys said you haven’t seen Leif?
Gloria:
Yeah, why?
Libuza:
Well, okay. Remember how my hearing is a lot better then everyone else’s?
Gloria:
Yeah, what?
Inside the diner, Caspar looks for Leif.
Caspar:
Leif?... Leif where are you?... Where is the young man?
Caspar opens the door to gloria’s room.
Caspar:
Leif— OH GOD!
Leif:
Hey, man.
Caspar:
What the fuck!?
Teta:
Caspar! Are you bringing room service?
Caspar:
Jesus Christ, what ungodly bullshit is going on here!
Leif:
Relax!
Teta:
It’s Krisara.
Caspar:
What?!
Teta:
Leharian post-battle sex.
Leif:
It’s Leharian post battle sex.
Teta:
It’s a Leharian tradition.
Leif:
It’s a Leharian tradition.
Caspar:
I’m going to throw up all the food I’ve ever eaten.
Teta:
Caspar, c’mon. Lighten up, you wuss.
Teta approaches Caspar, fully nude, trying to make him as uncomfortable as possible.
Caspar:
Oh, God, Teta, put some clothes on.
Teta:
Am I making you uncomfortable?
Caspar:
Forever unclean.
Teta:
What are we supposed to do after a battle?
Leif:
It’s part of her culture, Caspar. I’m just trying to help out.
Caspar:
I would rather have walked in on human sacrifice.
Teta:
I mean, it almost was human sacrifice, am I right, Leif?
Leif:
I was hanging on by a thread for a minute there.
Caspar:
Details aren’t appropriate at this time.
Teta:
Caspar, listen. I’m sure you’re jealous because I didn’t pick you. You’re going to have to get over it. You’re too squishy.
Caspar:
Thank you, Space Jesus, for my squishiness.
Teta:
I will allow you to make me breakfast, though.
Caspar:
Absolutely not.
Outside the diner, the Phoenix comes in for a landing nearby.
Gloria:
It’s called what?
Libuza:
Krisara.
Gloria:
And it’s... It’s what I think it is?
Libuza:
It’s what you think it is.
Gloria:
Great.
Fiona:
Yeah, real fucking great.
Caspar exits the diner.
Gloria:
Caspar?
Caspar:
Hello, everyone.
Gloria:
How is it in there?
Caspar:
I quit.
Gloria:
Caspar.
Caspar:
I’ve seen too much, Gloria. I’m going to go apply for a job at the mini golf.
Verge:
Hello, everyone.
Voon:
Greetings, Verge.
Verge:
Hello, Voon.
Libuza:
Hey, Verge.
Verge:
Hey, Libuza.
Phil:
Nice flying up there.
Verge:
You’re Phil?
Phil:
That’s me.
Verge:
Thanks for saving my ass. I owe you a drink.
Phil:
Sounds good. That’s Gloria, that’s Fiona.
Verge:
Hello, everyone. I’m looking for David.
Caspar:
Where is David?
Gloria:
I don’t know.
Caspar:
Verge, I see you’re carrying a gun. Can you shoot me with it please?
Verge:
Depends on the situation.
Libuza:
Caspar has accidentally witnessed the aftermath of Krisara.
Verge:
No. In there?
Libuza:
Yes.
Verge:
Teta?
Libuza:
Yes.
Verge:
Oh, my. Who was on the receiving end of that?
Libuza:
Leif.
Verge:
(Laughing.) That is fucking perfect. Poor bastard. He’ll never recover.
Leif and teta exit the diner.
Leif:
Good morning, everyone.
Teta:
Libby! They’ve unplugged you!
Libuza:
Caspar convinced me, and Phil’s been giving me a ride.
Teta:
Caspar? Good for something?
Libuza:
Surprising, right?
Teta:
Verge. Where are we going for breakfast?
Verge:
I’d love to, but I’m afraid I have to get someone up to the mountain.
Caspar:
What do you need David for?
Verge:
Something called Karaoke?
Caspar:
Ah. On behalf of Earth, I apologize.
David approaches.
Caspar:
Where’s is everybody? Where’s Ava, where’s David?
Leif:
Ava’s at a meeting.
Caspar:
What are these meetings?
Leif:
There’s kind of a convention vibe that’s developed.
Caspar:
Fine. There he is. David, your ride’s here.
Verge:
You’re David?
David:
I am.
Verge:
I’m Verge. I’m supposed to get you up to the mountain.
David:
Okay. Loving you, loving your whole thing.
Verge:
Thank you. Are you ready?
Caspar:
Where were you?
David:
Transdimensional boba.
Leif:
Hey, Teta, I’ve got to go to this meeting. Do you want to hang out later?
Teta:
No.
Leif:
Okay. Kind of feeling like a sex object right now.
Teta:
Good. Go with that feeling. Off you go, sex object.
Leif:
Uh, okay. Bye.
Teta:
(To Verge.) You tap that?
Verge:
Oh, sure.
Teta:
Yeah, you kind of have to right? Hey Leif, I love to watch you go and I love to watch you leave.
Gloria:
Wait, everybody. I know we’ve all have a bunch of stuff to do but, listen. Fiona, Voon, and Phil have decided they’re going to be moving on. They’re going to find a new place here and make it their home. So while everyone’s running around doing things, let’s make sure to give them a proper send off, okay?
Leif:
Damn, you’re leaving?
Fiona:
Yeah.
Phil:
Not too much room left in there.
Caspar:
Where are you going?
Fiona:
I don’t know. We’re going to look at the abandoned places and see what grabs us. I guess we need to cut our own path, right?
Caspar:
... Yeah. Did you know about this?
David:
She told me this morning. I still hate it, Fiona.
Fiona:
I’m sorry.
Leif:
Damn... Okay, well, first things first. Get Peter out here.
Fiona:
Peter. Shadow.
Peter comes running out of the diner.
Leif:
Peter. Administrator access.
Peter:
Administrator access mode.
Leif:
New administrator profile: Fiona.
Peter:
New administrator: Fiona.
Leif:
Unlock learning engine.
Peter:
Learning engine unlock.
Leif:
Administrator profile Leif: Delete.
Peter:
Profile deleted.
Leif:
He’s all yours.
Peter:
Hello, Fiona.
Fiona:
Aw. He’s never said my name before.
Leif:
Also... Voon, I hereby grant you permission to access the systems I have created.
Voon:
Thank you. Knowledge above all.
Leif:
Knowledge above all. Fuck yeah, always wanted to do that.
Fiona:
Thank you, Leif.
Leif:
Okay, I’m going to go to this meeting, and then I’m going to get you guys a nice housewarming present, okay? Voon, are you coming to this meeting?
Voon:
I shall attend.
Leif:
Alright, let’s go.
Voon:
Fiona, I shall attend the meeting and then rendezvous at your location.
Fiona:
Okay.
Gloria:
Caspar. Where did the “ Krisara” happen?
Caspar:
Oh, I think you know where it happened, Gloria.
Gloria:
Uh huh. So I have to burn my bed now.
Caspar:
Oh, at least. I hear there’s a witch up on the mountain. We should get her to do a smudge stick situation. Maybe the Mucklewains can do an exorcism.
Gloria:
Good plan.
Caspar:
Also, where are the Mucklewains?
Gloria:
They are also in a meeting.
Caspar:
What’s up with all the meetings? Why are we in a business park?
Gloria:
I don’t know. Something about an old friend of Zebulon’s.
Kazi:
(In Caspar’s ear.) Caspar.
Caspar:
Yeah?
Kazi:
I’ve allotted ten minutes in my schedule to argue with you.
Caspar:
How gracious. I’ve got to go talk to Kazi.
Gloria:
Go do your thing. I’ve got a bunch of tamales to make for tonight.
David:
Alright. Verge. Take me to the mountain.
Verge:
Right this way.
Caspar:
Phil, if you could make sure Libuza does something young and stupid, that would be great.
Phil:
I’ll see what I can do.
Leif:
I’ll be back in a little bit, Gloria.
Gloria:
Okay.
Fiona:
Us too.
Gloria:
Bye guys.
Ava:
(In Caspar’s ear.) Come in, Schmoopie.
Caspar:
Hey, where are you?
Ava:
I’m going to a meeting.
Caspar:
Yeah, what is this meeting?
Ava:
You don’t have to know my business.
Caspar:
Whatever.
Ava:
I’ve been thinking about it.
Caspar:
... Yeah?
Ava:
Yeah.
Caspar:
And?
Ava:
I think it’s the right thing.
Caspar:
... Yeah. I just don’t want him to take it the wrong way.
Ava:
It’s up to him how he takes it. It’s still the right thing.
Caspar:
Yeah, I guess.
Ava:
Keep in mind that parents giving a shit about their kids is a completely foreign concept to me, so what the fuck do I know? On the other hand, I know a lot of other things, so that’s got to count for something.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ava:
What are you doing now?
Caspar:
I have to go meet with Kazi.
Ava:
Okay. Hey, tell her I’ve made a decision and I’ve decided Jezinka can keep Karl.
Caspar:
Really?
Ava:
Yeah. He likes her and, let’s face it, there’s no way I’m going to be able to compete with someone who always has a lap. Also, what, I’m going to start changing a litter box now?
Caspar:
You’re not going to be changing a litter box now, I’m going to be changing a litter box now.
Ava:
Exactly. And you don’t have time for that with all of the other things you need to do for me.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ava:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye?
Caspar:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye.
Gloria walks back into the diner.
Gloria:
Just you and me, old pal.
Gloria walks back into the kitchen and gets ready to roll tamales. Another gloria walks in the door.
Gloria:
(From the kitchen.) Hello?
Another Gloria:
... Hello?
We hear gloria drop a few pots and pans in the kitchen. SHe walks out into the dining room.
Gloria:
Holy shit.
Another Gloria:
... Holy shit.
Gloria:
... I like your hair.
Another Gloria:
Same here.
Gloria:
... How have you been, Gloria?
Another gloria takes a bottle of tequila out of a bag.
Another Gloria:
I brought a bottle of Patrón.
Gloria:
... Want to make tamales?
Another Gloria:
... Sure.
Up on hood’s pocket, June walks into trinkett’s shop.
Trinkett:
Hey, June.
June:
How are you holding up, Witchy-poo?
Trinkett:
I don’t know. I’m still processing, I guess. How are you?
June:
Well, I’ve done the impossible. I’ve cleaned every room in the Horizon. Which shouldn’t be shocking because that’s always been my job but... Here we are.
Trinkett:
Did it help?
June:
Yes.
Trinkett:
Really?
June:
I realized something.
Trinkett:
What’s that?
June:
... You know, I worry about Frank a lot.
Trinkett:
I know.
June:
For the longest time, I thought he was so uptight that he was going to eventually turn into some kind of immovable stone thing... And then he did.
Trinkett:
He did.
June:
But literally instead of emotionally.
Trinkett:
He had been kind of surprising me lately.
June:
Anyway, there I was cleaning all those rooms, thinking to myself: “God I wish Frank were here.” But then I was like... “Wait, no I don’t.”
Trinkett:
What do you mean?
June:
Well, thanks to your magical powers, we know he’s okay. We don’t know where he is, but we know he’s okay. And... I don’t know... I began to get this sinking feeling that... Maybe this is good for him.
Trinkett:
Really?
June:
Yeah... Is that weird?
Trinkett:
... I don’t know.
June:
He never really left this mountain. Even when he was gone, he was mentally always here. And then when the mountain started moving, I was like “Well, shit, now he’s really never getting off the mountain.”... But it’s like...
Trinkett:
... He’s finally doing what he’s supposed to do.
June:
Yeah... Is that weird?
Trinkett:
Kind of... but I see what you’re saying.
June:
I love it here. This weird little fucked up town has always been my jam, y’know?... But he never really left, and I had this weird feeling like he always needed to.
Trinkett:
There’s something out there for him?
June:
Or something. I don’t know. I guess... I guess I just feel like everything’s going to be okay... We’re going to find him, Trinkett. I don’t know how, but I know we are. In the meantime...
Trinkett:
He’s on a journey.
June:
Yeah, or y’know, fill in the blank with whatever new age thing you want... Look, I’m not going to walk around talking about how great it is that Frank is gone, because it isn’t great. I miss that little idiot. But...
Trinkett:
It’s necessary somehow.
June:
Is that weird?
Trinkett:
No... No, I think you might be right... Still sucks, though.
June:
I know, Trinkett. But sometimes you have have to throw a party because it sucks.
Trinkett:
You do?
June:
Yeah. Or it least you should. Right? Let’s pioneer that tonight. Tonight, we throw a party because it sucks... This may be a new thing, I don’t know if anyone’s ever done this before. The Hood’s Pocket 1st Annual It Sucks Party.
Trinkett:
It Sucks party... Okay. I can get behind that.
June:
Good. Now, there is a whole bar full of sad sacks across the street. Let’s head over there and get them to stop crying in their beers, okay?
Trinkett:
Thank you, June.
June:
Repeat after me: Hooray! It Sucks!
Trinkett:
Hooray! It Sucks!
We move to an underground bunker, kazi is inspecting a massive machine as slabz mcTerpz enters.
Slabz Mcterpz:
It appears that you’ve finally gotten your army.
Kazi:
Slabz McTerpz. I was quite surprised to see you out on the battlefield.
Slabz Mcterpz:
The fates drove me to new lands. Where I and my Beautiful Boyz found ourselves was no place for a soldier of fortune. So, instead we cast aside our former lives and now find ourselves here. Quite a surprise to be suddenly fighting alongside the Death Witch of the Triad.
Kazi:
I never appreciated that name. I’m a scientist not a witch.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Yes. Though Death Scientist of the Triad does not ring out in the same way.
Kazi:
No, I suppose it doesn’t.
Slabz Mcterpz:
It’s a marketing thing.
Kazi:
Yes.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Economy of language and all that.
Kazi:
Slabz. You’re very far from home. What are your plans?
Slabz Mcterpz:
I have yet to decide the fate of the Beautiful Boyz. This galaxy is yours now, no need to conquer it. Not much work to be had for a Mercenary.
Kazi:
Don’t be too sure.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Oh?
Kazi:
Let’s talk later... Much to discuss.
Slabz Mcterpz:
I see... Time for the Witch’s return, then?
Kazi:
Later.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Very well. Up on the mountain there shall be an Earthling ceremony known as Karaoke.
Kazi:
That’s unfortunate.
Slabz Mcterpz:
I shall be singing Alien Ant Farm.
Kazi:
I don’t know what that means.
Slabz Mcterpz:
It means you should learn to celebrate, Kazi. What good is conquest without celebration?
Kazi:
I’ll consider it.
Slabz exits.
Kazi:
Libuza?
Libuza:
(In Kazi’s ear.) Yes?
Kazi:
... Are you outside?
Libuza:
Uh... Yes, I... Caspar convinced me to disconnect myself from the Vistek.
Kazi:
I see... Good.
Libuza:
Good?
Kazi:
You should exercise your legs at some point.
Libuza:
... Okay.
Kazi:
We need to speak later.
Libuza:
Alright.
Kazi:
I’ll find you.
Caspar enters.
Caspar:
Kazi?
Kazi:
I’m here.
Caspar:
I just passed a porcupine guy in the hall and it was a death defying experience.
Kazi:
He’s an old friend.
Caspar:
Sure... What is this thing your looking at?
Kazi:
It’s a boring machine.
Caspar:
Doesn’t seem that boring.
Kazi:
It’s a drill, Caspar.
Caspar:
I see.
Kazi:
But it doesn’t drill through the earth. It drills through the fabric of space. That’s how Krok built the warp tunnels that connect this galaxy. With enough energy, this machine can take us virtually anywhere.
Caspar:
... You’re going back to the Triad, aren’t you?
Kazi:
Someday. Right now there’s much to do in this system. Or rather much to undo. After that...
Caspar:
When does it stop, Kazi?
Kazi:
When people are no longer imprisoned, Caspar.
Caspar:
Okay.
Kazi:
Alright...
Caspar:
What?
Kazi:
Let’s have it.
Caspar:
Have what?
Kazi:
The vitriol, Caspar. You had some strong words for me during the battle. Let’s have it.
Caspar:
Right... Never mind.
Kazi:
Never mind?
Caspar:
I was thinking about what to say on my way over here, and... What’s the point? There’s nothing I can say that’s going to make you into someone else, and vice versa. So what are we doing?... You were there at the very beginning of this bullshit for me. And here we are now. You haven’t changed one bit. And I don’t think I would recognize the guy you met back then. So, what’s the point?... Kazi, you want to change the world, and I understand that. The problem is, I’ve been alive for a long time, and I’ve never seen anyone actually change the world. So it’s a hard thing for me to believe in.
Kazi:
Caspar, when I was born, your people were raising pyramids in the desert. I’ve never seen it happen either, but I still believe in it. I always shall.
Caspar:
Okay... Well, good luck doing exciting things with your boring machine.
Kazi:
Did you come here to say you have nothing to say to me?
Caspar:
No. I came here because I have a demand.
Kazi:
Ah. I know what your demand is.
Caspar:
Do you?
Kazi:
Yes. You needn’t worry. I am, once again, several steps ahead of you.
Caspar:
Really?
Kazi:
Yes. It’s time... Speaking of when we met. I planted a transmitter on your body all those years ago. Would you like me to remove it?
Caspar:
... No, don’t bother.
Kazi:
Really?
Caspar:
No. Whenever I pass through your neighborhood, it’ll be nice for you to get a little reminder that I exist.
Kazi:
... Yes, I think it might.
Caspar:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye?
Kazi:
... Party at the Sheep’s Eye.
We hear a huge steel door slide open and Effie, back in her robot body, is carrying the radio through the halls of a prison.
Effie:
I’ll say it, dear: I admire your commitment to the souls of the lost.
Zebulon:
It may all be for naught, dear. But there’s no use talking a certain way without acting a certain way. I’m expecting no miracles.
Effie:
As you say. I’ll set you down here.
Effie puts the radio down.
Effie:
Now that I’ve got my iron trousers on, I think I’ll stretch my legs, see what’s about.
Zebulon:
You’ll know where to find me.
Effie exits. After a moment another steel door rises to reveal Vodnik, Now imprisoned.
Zebulon:
Good morning to you, my friend. I trust your spirit is not feeling so bound as your body.
Vodnik:
Well I’ll be. So it’s true what they say, you’re just a voice in a box.
Zebulon:
That is all I am, my friend. Though, from a certain perspective, doesn’t that describe all of us?
Vodnik:
Incredible. I’d ask you to explain yourself, but I imagine I’d get some sort of jumble of folk wisdom, wouldn’t I?
Zebulon:
Any man capable of truly explaining himself is a man who is undoubtedly misunderstood by others.
Vodnik:
Yes, exactly like that.
Zebulon:
Despite my inexplicable nature. Here I sit.
Vodnik:
Seems a bit beneath you to come and gloat while I’m imprisoned here, Zebulon.
Zebulon:
I would never. I simply thought to myself, well, if our roles were reversed and there I sat in my prison cell, I wouldn’t be surprised to get a visit from you, my friend.
Vodnik:
Yes, but I’d do it to gloat.
Zebulon:
Perhaps. But not entirely.
Vodnik:
So, does this mean that I can still boast that no man’s ever defeated me?
Zebulon:
I suppose if one narrows their definitions enough.
Vodnik:
Excellent. My legend lives on.
Zebulon:
Are they treating you well, Vodnik?
Vodnik:
As well as can be expected. It’s a punishment, yes. But not a cruel one. If you’re not thrown in prison from time to time, you’re not doing war correctly. I’m glad you’re here, Zebulon. I have a warning for you.
Zebulon:
Oh?
Vodnik:
It’s a very dangerous time for you at this moment. The time after the victory can be insidious. In the void left by the defeated, new forces come in to fill it. Be sure such forces have no purchase.
Zebulon:
I shall take that to heart.
Vodnik:
Such a difficult time, a time of peace. So much more to consider. I much prefer the fog of war to the dawn of peace. The vagaries of peacetime victories can make one forget there are victories at all.
Zebulon:
But mustn’t we move past all that, my friend? Mustn’t we move towards a time of victory for all? To defeat defeat itself?
Vodnik:
Yes, I suppose. But where does that leave poor old me?... What’s this about, Zebulon? Surely you’ve better things to do with your time.
Zebulon:
Merely wanted to drive a point home. As I said during our last meeting, I see all people as my friend. Chance and circumstance may separate us, but I will always hope for a day when we all sit down at a great table together as friends. Chance has changed our circumstances. And so now I sit here as your friend.
Vodnik:
If you’re my friend, how about you let me out of here. As a friend would.
Zebulon:
I'm afraid such things aren't up to me. But it does raise an interesting point. What is the man of war without the trappings of war? Perhaps just a man. As he should be.
Vodnik:
I'm afraid I have no idea who that man is.
Zebulon:
Let us find him. Together.
We move to the council of leifs. A large group of leifs has gathered on a hillside.
Leif:
Okay, guys. Guys guys guys, can we try and come to order here? We’ve got some issues for the whole group.
Big Leif:
Everybody quiet down!
Leif:
Thanks, Big Leif.
Big Leif:
No problem.
Leif:
Okay guys. Amazing opportunity right now. We’re never going to have this opportunity again, so let’s try and knock some things out. I’ve got a list here. First up: are there any Leifs who are doubled up? Anybody in a two Leif situation?
Juggalo Leif:
We are, and it sucks.
Leif:
Okay, great. Guys, now is your opportunity. There are a bunch of abandoned places out there, take your pick. I think it’s safe to say first come, first served, right? Get out there, stake your claim.
Kissaten Leif:
There’s an empty arcade right next to us.
Juggalo Leif:
Good looking out. Thanks, man.
Leif:
Okay, second thing: we want to give a shout out to Big Leif, Pink Leif, Italian Leif, Canadian Leif, and Intense Leif for their particle canons. We would’ve been cooked without them.
Italian Leif:
Prego.
Pink Leif:
No problem.
Intense Leif:
Why does everyone keep calling me Intense Leif?
Leif:
But this has started a conversation. Should we be arming? Are we putting ourselves in a bad position without particle canons on our roofs? I know I kick myself sometimes for dismantling mine.
Ginkgo Leaf Leif:
Can I have the floor on that?
Leif:
Sure, go ahead, man.
Ginkgo Leaf Leif:
Yeah, hey brothers. Ginkgo Leaf Leif here. Fist off, please come on by The Ginkgo Leaf. We’ve got fresh wheat grass shots and a tofu scramble that’ll really start you off right, okay? Now, to my point: I’m not going to intrude on anyone’s situation, but I think if we start building weapons on our roof it puts the wrong vibe out there. We need to be a welcoming place. How are we going to do that if there’s weaponry on the roof? I say we keep it groovy.
Big Leif:
What if we like weaponry on the roof?
Leif:
It’s a valid point, guys. We’re not asking anyone to disarm. But I don’t think we’re ready to call anything mandatory, okay? Let’s move on. As we all know, this is a historic day. We’ve been running into each other here and there for a long time. What we didn’t know was that it’s not just Leifs out there. Let’s acknowledge Hana Mullins, Quellor the Liberator, and Mixmaster Maceo— they’re right over there. They’ve been doing the same work that we’ve been doing over at Quasar Books, Dark Matter BBQ, and The Norfolk and Western 611. Also, let’s not forget about Voon.
Every Leif:
(Like they’re saying “Norm” in an episode of Cheers.) VOON!
Leif:
Voon saved all kinds of asses during the battle. Let’s give it up for Voon.
The leifs clap.
Voon:
Thank you. This is a very enjoyable gathering. I would savor the opportunity to document your various technologies.
Leif:
Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely, Voon. Okay, guys, the one thing that everybody’s talking about is info sharing. Meeting like this is amazing, but is there any way we can keep in touch after we go our separate ways? Nobody seems to have a solution to this. We’re talking about communicating between universes, and I don’t know how we solve that problem.
Big Leif:
Leif. Enough, pal. Tell us about the arm.
Leif:
Okay… Okay let’s get to it… A lot of you have been asking about my arm, so let’s talk about it… Voon, you’re going to want to hear this… A while back, I made a cowcatcher.
Pink Leif:
Whoa, dude.
Leif:
I know. But then something crazy happened…
We move to the council of avas. The avas are all talking amongst themselves. In the Marguerite section, the marguerites are conspiring.
Marguerite:
What do we think? The one with the short hair?
Marguerite 2:
Too easy.
Marguerite:
I know I’m starting with a visual identifier as a way in, but in this situation I feel like that fails us.
Marguerite 2:
Historically, this has been our problem.
Marguerite:
Amen.
Marguerite 3:
Crunching the numbers here. With this many individuals, there should be at least 1.9 of them.
Marguerite:
Right?
Marguerite 2:
Proposition: what if the 1.9% in the positive is actually distributed by degrees among the populace.
Marguerite:
Well, then, we’re screwed, ladies.
Ava:
Hey. What’s going on over here?
Marguerite:
We’re doing statistical analysis to find out which one is the gay one.
Ava:
Seriously?
Marguerite:
What?
Ava:
I really need the Marguerite section to collectively keep it in their pants.
Allegedly Straight Marguerite:
You know, one of us is straight.
Marguerite:
Allegedly.
The marguerites laugh.
Ava:
(Addressing the Avas.) Okay, everyone... Look, this has been amazing. I know there’s a lot to discuss, I just want to say a couple of things. First of all: everyone looks fabulous.
Avas:
You look fabulous.
Ava:
Thanks to all of you who brought cigarettes and pencils. I realize there’s a few ink using Avas out there— I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.
Ink Using Ava:
Ink Avas unite!
Ava:
I want to give a special shout out to Underwood Ava, who’s turned her typewriter into a LaTeX (LAY-tech) editor. So amazing and so unnecessary.
Claps in the audience.
Ava:
Can I also say how fucking ridiculous and terrific it is that we’re all using a different esoteric shorthand? What is wrong with us? Also: nothing is wrong with us. Seriously, Multi-Disciplinary Ava writing in Cuneiform is really the peak of Mount Ridiculous. Okay, there’s one thing that everyone’s been talking about, and that is the problem of information sharing. We don’t like sharing information, because why?
Avas:
Everyone’s dumb.
Ava:
That’s right. Everyone’s dumb. However we’re not dumb, are we? And it would be super-helpful if we could find out a way to share information on a constant basis. West Texas Ava, your group has been working on this?
West Texas Ava:
Yes we have. Hey there, y’all. We have just been gettin’ wound up tighter than my jeans about this particular issue, and it is as complicated as all get out. Here’s what we managed to figure: Can a message be sent between universes? Most likely, heck yes, it can. But here’s why that dog won’t hunt: in order to send a message from one universe to another we’d have to somehow organically forget that we sent the message. And if that ain’t quantum physics being a little asshole, I don’t know what is.
Ava:
Okay, confirmed: quantum physics is a dick. Anyone have some fixes or options for this? Yes, over there...
Swedish Ava:
En bra lösning kan vara att utplacera enheter som kan både sända och ta emot information. Till exempel, varje gång vi når ett mål, skickar vi ut en sond som en annan av oss kan hitta.
Ava:
Interesting. So we could have our Leifs, or what have you, send out probes at various locations that could be a repository of data that could be accessed by any Ava when they arrive at that universe?
Swedish Ava:
Detär värt ett försök, åtminstone.
Ava:
Wow. Okay, that’s a very practical solution. Thank you Swedish Ava.
Caspar approaches.
Caspar:
Hey.
Ava:
Hey, over here.
Caspar:
Well. This is terrifying.
Ava:
Guys, this is Caspar. Everyone boo him.
The avas boo.
Caspar:
Thank you, thank you. Strangely comforting, that sound.
Ava:
What’s up?
Caspar:
Nothing. I just had to see it for myself.
Ava:
You’re procrastinating, aren’t you?
Caspar:
I’m not procrastinating.
Effie:
(In Caspar’s ear.) Caspar?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Effie:
I’m getting the distinct feeling that you are out there lollygagging. Are you lollygagging?
Caspar:
I’m not lollygagging.
Effie:
I’m about to whup Jeremiah’s butt in a game of this miniaturized golf. Get over here and play some holes with us.
Caspar:
I’m fine, Effie.
Effie:
Caspar, they’ve got a castle and a statue of a prehistoric beast. Get on over here and play a few rounds.
Caspar:
Do you want to play some mini golf?
Ava:
We’re headed to the nail salon after this.
Caspar:
Seriously?
Ava:
What? There’s a party tonight.
Caspar:
Uh, okay, fine. Be right there, Effie.
We move to another area of the garden. phil is wheeling libuza through the different constructs.
Libuza:
Your chair really does make some amazing sounds.
Phil:
I’ve never felt the need to sneak up on somebody, so it’s always been fine with me.
Libuza:
I like it. So, why didn’t you have Voon make you something with rockets on it or something? I can get you one that hovers, you know.
Phil:
Yeah, I’m sure... I don’t know. I’ve had this chair for a long time. It’s a reminder of what happened to me, but over the years, it became a reminder of what I’ve done... Anybody who can get used to using one of these things in a land built for people with feet deserves an award. I had a lot of long mornings screaming at it, just trying to get out of bed. I guess I’m a little proud. Proud that I did it. There are easier things out there, but... Somewhere out there, somebody is waking up for the first time having to somehow make it from their bed to the seat of one of these chairs... It looks like a million miles... They need to see other people out there who did it. They need to know it’s possible.
Libuza:
I love that.
Phil:
Also, I got the duct tape just right on the arm rests. I can’t give it up now... Were you always blind?
Libuza:
I’m not totally blind. There isn’t a lot of sunlight where I come from, so vision isn’t as prized as sound. But because we still have our visual receptors in our brains, our ears feed information to that region. So, I can kind of “see” sound.
Phil:
That’s cool.
Libuza:
It can be a lot, though. So, if you ever see me wearing headphones, I’m not being anti-social.
Phil:
Then how do you let people know you’re being anti-social?
Libuza:
I don’t know... I don’t know how I am around people.
Phil:
What do you mean?
Libuza:
I’ve... My sisters and I were freedom fighters back home, and then we came here. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t...
Phil:
At war?
Libuza:
Yes... Caspar was right, wasn’t he?
Phil:
I don’t know about that. But if you want, I can talk to you all day about how to not be at war.
Libuza:
I think I would like that.
Fiona:
Guys! Over here!
Phil:
What the hell is that place?
Fiona:
What the hell is this place?
Phil:
It looks...
Fiona:
It was like there was one place and then they just kept adding to it.
Phil:
Should we go inside?
Fiona:
Yeah, let’s check it out.
Voon:
Hello.
Phil:
Hey, Voon.
Fiona:
Hey Voon, how was the meeting?
Voon:
...
Fiona:
Voon?
Voon:
I am still processing, Fiona.
Fiona:
Okay. Are you okay?
Voon:
I am. I shall debrief you later this evening. Shall I scan the structure?
Fiona:
Sure.
Voon releases Em.
Phil:
Let’s check it out.
They all walk inside the strange building.
Voon:
The other constructs seem to be styled after pre-existing models. This structure appears to be an amalgam of standard architecture with bespoke additions.
Fiona:
There’s something familiar about it.
Phil:
Chairs and tables, like a restaurant.
Libuza:
There’s a second floor.
Fiona:
(In the back of the main room.) There’s a kitchen, but it’s small.
Libuza:
I think it goes back further than the kitchen.
Fiona:
Oh, hey. Don’t worry guys, I can totally make a grilled cheese sandwich back here.
Phil:
Well, thank God.
Em returns to voon.
Voon:
Curious.
Phil:
What’s up?
Voon:
The establishment appears multi-modal. In addition to the dining room, there is a work station for the repair of simple machines, a medical station, a water distiller, and a secondary floor of small sleeping rooms. In the back there also appears to be a station for the repair and replacement of vulcanized rubber.
Phil:
Get your tire fixed, get your body fixed, get your gadgets fixed...
Fiona:
Have a grilled cheese sandwich.
Voon:
In the Triad, you would see buildings such as this in early Colony Candidate planets. It was called a communitary station, or communitary for short. The closest equivalent to something from your planet would be a Caravanserai ( keh-ruh-VAN-suh-rye). Buildings that existed along the Silk Road, where one would stop and take care of many needs while on their way to another location.
Fiona:
But this building isn't from that time period.
Voon:
It is not. In fact, I identified the technology as being slightly ahead of your origin planet, Fiona. But the technology is mostly customized and improvised, suggesting its origins are from a place lacking structured civilization.
Phil:
What the fuck is this place?
Libuza:
Fiona, that cabinet you just opened, I think there’s a piece of paper in it.
Fiona:
Is there?
Fiona opens the cabinet again and finds an envelope.
Fiona:
It’s an envelope.
Phil:
Here we go.
Fiona opens the envelope.
Fiona:
“... Hello, there. My name is Jhony Allen West, and if you're reading this, you might be wondering where the hell you are. The first thing I'll say is, if you have any lingering connections to the world outside of this place, I'd get out now.” The rare warning. What a luxury. “When I see a place like this, I know exactly what it is. But my wife Nameer has impressed upon me that this place might not land somewhere familiar. It might land somewhere where there are no places like this, so just a bit of an explanation. In the world we came from, this place is called a Free. It's called a Free because when you're here, you leave your bullshit at the door— this place is bullshit-free. People come here from all around to get themselves fixed, get their things fixed, have a bite to eat, maybe find some work. I've been around places like this all my life, but the world didn't always have places like this. I can't tell you much about what the world was like before. People forgot to write it down because they were so busy trying to stay alive. What I can tell you is that people talked of a world that was full of great kingdoms. Each one of those kingdoms was building a monster. When those monsters finally came to life, they went to war with each other— forgetting entirely about the people who had created them. They laid waste to the land, then to each other, leaving us to make do in the wreckage.” Whoa... This letter is pages long, this guy was very detailed.
Voon:
Then the origins of this building are post-apocalyptic reconstruction. Their world had died, and this building was part of its rebirth. Most likely, the building was found and repurposed.
Phil:
Oh, shit. I’ve got it.
Fiona:
What?
Phil:
... It’s a Pizza Hut.
Fiona:
... Oh, shit. The roof.
Phil:
The roof, the triangle windows. They just kept adding to it.
Fiona:
A Pizza Hut survived the apocalypse?
Phil:
I mean... nobody out-pizzas The Hut.
Voon:
The base architecture is quite resilient.
Libuza:
What’s a Pizza Hut?
Fiona:
... Oh, my god... Is this it?
Phil:
This is it.
Voon:
The multi-use aspect of the building is quite promising.
Phil:
...
Voon:
...
Fiona:
... This is it.
Phil:
Looks like it’s moving day.
Libuza:
This is exciting.
Phil:
Alright, let’s explore.
Libuza:
Congratulations, guys. Phil, why don’t you let me off here. I should probably exercise my legs.
Phil:
Are you sure?
Libuza:
Yeah. It’s your new home, you should go take a look.
Phil:
Alright.
Fiona:
This place doesn’t have a name. Libuza, can you brainstorm some names for us?
Libuza:
Sure. I’ll be right here.
Phil:
I’m going to check out the tire station. Maybe it’s time for an upgrade.
Phil, voon, and libuza all go off to explore the building. Libuza sits in the silence.
Kazi:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Libuza.
Libuza:
Yes?
Kazi:
I’m outside.
Libuza:
Oh. One second.
Libuza slowly walks outside.
Kazi:
You’re exercising your legs. Good.
Libuza:
It’s all coming back to me.
Kazi:
Good.
Libuza:
What do you need?
Kazi:
Is this the building Fiona and her people have chosen?
Libuza:
Yes.
Kazi:
Interesting.
Libuza:
... Kazi?
Kazi:
I should get them an auto-doctor before they leave. I’m sure we can spare one.
Libuza:
Kazi, why are all my belongings with you?
Kazi:
... All of this has to stop for you, Libuza. This war nearly killed you.
Libuza:
It nearly killed all of us.
Kazi:
Your interface with the Vistek saved us on multiple occasions. But it’s too taxing on you. It has to stop... We’ve won... We’ve won and we don’t have to hide anymore. I believe I have all I need for this next phase, without you having to endanger yourself.
Libuza:
You don’t need me?
Kazi:
I... I do need you, Libuza. Which is why you have to stop.
Libuza:
... Oh.
Kazi:
... You can go anywhere you like in the galaxy. There are many acceptable planets. You didn’t have many possessions, but it’s all there. Your headphones and your data-singer, your clothing—
Libuza:
Kazi—
Kazi:
We may be able to find you a tangle—
Libuza:
Kazi... You’re right... Thank you... I’ll give it some thought and let you know what I decide.
Kazi:
Good... Good. I have several other things to do... Party at the Sheep’s Eye?
Libuza:
... Party at the Sheep’s Eye.
Kazi:
Until then.
Kazi walks off. Libuza ponders basically everything. Around the corner comes Jeremiah and Effie.
Effie:
Hey there, Libuza.
Libuza:
Hey, Effie. Why are you in the robot suit?
Effie:
Well, you know Zebulon. As a pastor, he simply cannot stop a-pastoring. Jeremiah, this little thing is Libuza. She was a passenger of ours for a time. Libuza, this is Jeremiah, . He runs himself a movie theater over yonder.
Jeremiah:
Pleased to meet you.
Libuza:
Hi.
Effie:
Libuza, what are you doing out here?
Libuza:
I am... I don’t know the future.
Effie:
Nor do any of us, dear.
Libuza:
It’s a little harder to make decisions that way.
Effie:
I see. So you’re out here weighing a thing or two.
Libuza:
Yes.
Jeremiah:
Not only that, Effie. There appears to be a stack of her belongings there.
Effie:
Well, my. Libuza are you going train-hopping?
Libuza:
... I don’t know.
Jeremiah:
Goodness. A crossroads.
Effie:
Indeed. Jeremiah, I’ll defer to you on this, being the expert on the talking pictures as you are. If Libuza were in one of your stories, where would we be at right now?
Jeremiah:
Well, that depends entirely on where we are in the movie. Perhaps it’s a break into act two? Our hero has made a decision that will propel her through the remainder of the film. Perhaps we’re at the midpoint. Our hero has achieved what she’s set out to do and has found it lacking— the realization of the false goal. Or, perhaps this is the denouement. All matters settled, all battles won, and a new life begins.
Libuza:
... I don’t know which it is.
Jeremiah:
Well, of course you don’t, Libuza. This isn’t a movie, this is your life. All of us, at any given moment are at the beginning, the middle, and the end of many things simultaneously. That’s why people like movies. Everything so clean and simple.
Effie:
I’ll say this, though. I’d never admit this to her, but Ava said something once that I take to heart quite often: That with each action, a new world is created. And if such a thing is true, then we should take care with our actions, shouldn’t we? We should be careful of the worlds we create. As you stand here, let the question be asked: what world I create will be the most beautiful?
Libuza:
How can I know that?
Effie:
You can’t, dear. The effort to do so is all that’s asked of you. So, have yourself a think. And then make the effort.
Libuza:
Okay.
Jeremiah:
Party at the Sheep’s eye?
Libuza:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye.
Effie:
Onward, Jeremiah. I hear there’s a carnival on the south side.
Jeremiah:
Pleased to meet you, Libuza.
Libuza:
You, too, Jeremiah.
Libuza slowly walks back in to the new building. She stands in the quiet dining room.
Libuza:
... Here I am.
Phil wheels into the dining room.
Phil:
Hey. What was that?
Libuza:
... It’s what I say when I’m getting to know a new place.
Up at the sheep’s eye, we can hear music and laughter inside. Celeste is waiting outside the diner. Her bags are packed. The door flings open and Verge and deidre come stumbling out while verge lights a cigarette.
Verge:
Everyone in the bar is going to be fucking wasted before the first guest shows up.
Deidre:
I know, baby. But you’re forgetting that it’s the first annual It Sucks Day here in Hood’s Pocket.
Verge:
I am forgetting that. I should respect the day.
Deidre:
Hey, Celeste. There you are!
Celeste:
Hey.
Deidre:
We’ve been looking for you. Where have you been?
Celeste:
Uh... Well...
Verge:
Celeste... Are those your suitcases?
Celeste:
Um... Yes. Yes, they are.
Deidre:
Celeste?
Celeste:
... Slabz is staying here to help out that woman— the scary one?
Verge:
Kazi.
Celeste:
Yes, her... He asked me to come with him, and...
Deidre:
Oh, shit.
Verge:
Oh, shit.
Celeste:
... I’ve been out here for twenty minutes. I haven’t had the heart to come in.
Deidre:
Damn, Celeste.
Celeste:
... I don’t know what to say.
Verge:
Well, shit. Celeste. There’s nothing to say.
Deidre:
There’s nothing to say, Celeste. You’re following your heart.
Verge:
Yeah... I mean, Slabz is a solid guy.
Deidre:
He is.
Verge:
Mostly because his skin is armor plated, but also for other reasons.
Deidre:
He makes you really happy.
Celeste:
I know but... With Frank gone.
Deidre:
I know.
June exits the Sheep’s Eye.
June:
Has the party moved out here? Celeste!
Celeste:
Oh, God.
Deidre:
It’s okay, we’ve got you. June. Celeste has some news.
June:
News? What’s going on?
Verge:
June, Celeste is leaving.
June:
What?
Verge:
She’s in love with Slabz Mc Terpz and she’s leaving.
June:
Just like that?
Deidre:
Just like that.
Celeste:
June, I know the timing is terrible—
June:
Shht! You zip it. Come here. Big hugs, come here...
Celeste:
O...kay.
June:
Look at you. And look at you, Deidre. Both of you going out there into the world and banging aliens. I feel like I’ve taught you both so well.
Celeste:
You’re not mad?
June:
Mad? Celeste, I can’t be mad. It’s the Fist Annual Hood’s Pocket It Sucks Day. No one’s allowed to be mad on this day. It’s not your fault you love that spiky bastard— the heart wants what the heart wants. He does have a heart doesn’t he?
Verge:
Five.
June:
Five! Wow. Okay the hearts want what the hearts want, Celeste.
Steve exits the sheep’s eye.
Steve:
What are we doing out here?
Celeste:
Hey, Steve.
June:
It’s alright, I got this. Steve, come here, little buddy.
Steve:
What’s going on?
June:
Steve. Celeste is leaving.
Steve:
What?
June:
She’s in love, Steve. In love with the spiky guy—
Celeste:
Slabz Mc Terpz.
June:
Slabz Mc Terpz is his name. They’re going to go live happily ever after together and have weird little hedgehog babies.
Steve:
She’s just—
June:
AND BECAUSE today is the First Annual Hood’s Pocket It Sucks Day, that means that we push past the shitty feelings and get to the good shit. Okay?
Steve:
... Okay.
June:
Okay?
Steve:
Okay.
June:
Okay. Say something nice to Celeste.
Steve:
Celeste. Slabz Mc Terpz seems like a real cool dude.
Celeste:
Thank you.
Steve:
He looks like one of the action figures I used to play with as a kid. I remember when I was a kid I used to say, “Hey. I really wish I could hang out with these guys in real life.” And now you’re going to spend your life actually doing that, and I think that’s really cool.
Celeste:
Thank you, Steve.
Doug approaches.
Doug:
Hey guys. Sorry I’m late. What are we doing?
June:
Okay, Steve. Pay it forward, here we go.
Steve:
Okay... Doug.
Doug:
Steve?
Steve:
Celeste is leaving.
Doug:
Where’s she going?
Steve:
She’s in love with Slabz Mc Terpz, and they’re going to go, y’know, be together.
Doug:
Oh... Wow, Celeste.
Celeste:
Yeah.
Doug:
Well, congratulations. He seems to make you very happy.
Celeste:
Thank you, he does.
Doug:
Where are you guys going?
Celeste:
Going? Uh, we’re not going anywhere right now. He has a camp near the garden, and I’m just... I’m telling people.
Doug:
Oh. Okay... Because the mountain just got here.
Verge:
Right.
Doug:
And it’ll be here for several months.
Deidre:
Right.
Doug:
And it sounds like Celeste will as well, so... Sounds like we’ve got many more months with Celeste.
June:
... Okay. Maybe all of this was a little premature.
Steve:
Just a little, yeah.
Celeste:
This really helps, guys. Thank you. I still need to tell Trinkett. What do you think she’s going to say?
Trinkett is standing at the sheep’s eye door, she’s been listening the whole time.
Trinkett:
I think she’s going to say, “Celeste, congratulations. I’m so happy for you. And don’t you think for one second that Frank would want anything more than for you to be happy.”
Celeste:
Thank you, Trinkett.
June:
Celeste, you big weirdo. I’m going to miss you.
Doug:
Again, it’s several months until—
June:
I’m just putting it all out there, Doug!
Doug:
Sorry.
June:
Now, come inside and meet David. He’s a fucking hoot.
Inside the SHeep’s eye, david is setting up the karaoke machine.
Caspar:
(In David’s ear.) David?
David:
Hey.
Caspar:
How’s it going up there?
David:
These people are ridiculous.
Caspar:
What do you mean?
David:
One of them went outside and then they all followed each other out like it was a conga line. It’s hilarious.
Caspar:
Have you got the karaoke machine set up?
David:
Yeah. They asked me if I had any DasFonkyBeats? That was a new one.
Caspar:
Hey, when you’re done, do you think you can get a ride back down here?
David:
Yeah, sure. What’s going on?
Caspar:
I want to show you something.
David:
Show me what?
Caspar:
It’s a surprise.
David:
Okay.
Caspar:
It’ll only take a second.
David:
Alright, I’m almost done. I’ll be there soon.
Back at the diner, the glorias prepare tamales.
Another Gloria:
So for me, it wasn't a pandemic. Honestly, I don't know what it was, but at a certain point, things just stopped working. All the things that we depended on, that we assumed were going to be there, just stopped being there. There was this house on my street, and a fire started there. They called the fire department, and then they called again, and they called again, and they just never showed up. We all just stood there watching this house burn, even though we knew there was a fire department. We knew that it existed, but for some reason, things just weren't working anymore. And even though we all knew it— we all knew that we were living inside the shell of something that used to be— people kept doing the same thing over and over again. They would pay their taxes. They would expect police to come when they were called. They'd expect the water to turn on. They'd expect the water to be safe. But it just wasn't anymore. Then, late one night I was coming home, and I was stopped at a red light. I said to myself, "Wait a minute, I don't need to stop for this red light. The world has ended." So I drove through the red light, went home, packed up my knives, and I decided to just start driving until things made sense again... I wound up in Mexicali at one point. The street lights had stopped coming on at night, and a lot of places didn't have electricity anymore, so it was dark. I was driving through really dark streets— but then I saw a light up ahead, and I drove into the parking lot of El Paisano Bar and Grill.
Gloria:
Like it was waiting just for you.
Another Gloria:
Yeah.
Gloria:
So, how has it been?
Another Gloria:
It was a fucking mess at first.
Gloria:
Oh, yeah.
Another Gloria:
First of all, the cook was a Japanese man who never said anything. Now look, could a Japanese man run a Mexican bar and grill? Sure! Could this Japanese man? Absolutely not! The waiter was an art historian. I guess that's no surprise. But then there was a drunk at the bar from Germany— and on top of all that, there was a bird.
Gloria:
A bird?
Another Gloria:
A fucking Paisano. A roadrunner. Just hanging out. So... You know the drill: this thing starts flying around the cosmos, and the revelations come pretty fast. My waiter was not an art historian. My waiter was an art thief. The drunk at the bar won the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1968, and the Japanese man behind the grill? A literal fucking samurai.
Gloria:
A samurai?
Another Gloria:
Walked into the place in medieval Japan and just started winging it.
Gloria:
Holy shit.
Another Gloria:
It took a while, but I finally got them whipped into shape. People keep asking me if I have a Leif— what are they talking about?
Gloria:
You should think about it, they’re pretty handy.
Another Gloria:
I don’t want some guy building a huge gun on top of our place.
Gloria:
He will definitely try and do that. You have to stay on top of him.
Another Gloria:
Although after what happened yesterday, I may need one.
Gloria:
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. In the end I don’t think these places take us anywhere we can’t handle.
Another Gloria:
Yeah... I remember that lesson.
Gloria:
Yeah?
Another Gloria:
... Standing outside Mom and Dad’s house, right?... We had to go in and start packing up all their things. That’s when we said it for the first time.
Gloria:
“If I couldn’t handle it, it wouldn’t be happening.”
Another Gloria:
... Do you think they’re proud of us?
Gloria:
... Didn’t take a lot for them to be proud of us... Do you think they wanted us to marry Ricky?
Another Gloria:
Oh, my God, Ricky! That fucking guy!
Gloria:
I know.
Another Gloria:
One time we landed in a swamp that had huge fucking dinosaur-type things in it. All of them wanted to eat us, it was fucking terrifying. You know what I said?
Gloria:
At least I’m not having Ricky’s babies right now?
Another Gloria:
At least I’m not having Ricky’s fucking babies right now.
Gloria:
... What a life.
Another Gloria:
... What a life... Nobody will ever know, you know?
Gloria:
Well, I mean, on one planet there’s a statue of me, but it’s not a big deal.
Another Gloria:
Oh, well look at this bitch. She’s got a statue.
Gloria:
Hey, it’s ridiculous, but I earned that fucking statue, okay?
Another Gloria:
Now I have to get a statue. I’m getting an inferiority complex from myself.
Gloria:
This’ll make you feel better: You kept your car, didn’t you?
Another Gloria:
You didn’t keep your car?
Gloria:
I didn’t. I left him on a dirt road outside of Phoenix.
Another Gloria:
You abandoned Burrito?
Gloria:
I did.
Another Gloria:
After all you’ve been through together?
Gloria:
I know. I kick myself all the time. But I think it’s like you were saying: nobody will ever know... I wanted to leave something of myself behind. If nobody ever hears from me again, at least there’s a Ford Festiva sitting there in the middle of nowhere to prove I existed.
Another Gloria:
I get that... Of course now you have a statue.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Another Gloria:
So, you could’ve had a statue and a car.
Gloria:
I could have.
Another Gloria:
So, now all I need to do is get a statue and I’m officially winning.
Gloria:
I don’t know... Did you manage to get a hot Scottish boyfriend?
Another Gloria:
Scottish?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Another Gloria:
How hot?
Gloria:
...
Another Gloria:
Seriously? So hot you don’t even have to say how hot?
Gloria:
I mean...
Another Gloria:
Did he have a job?
Gloria:
He raised mushrooms.
Another Gloria:
Get the fuck out of here.
Gloria:
It’s true.
Another Gloria:
That man doesn’t exist.
Gloria:
Infinite universes. Eventually you hit the jackpot.
Another Gloria:
I hate my car now.
Gloria:
Sadly, I had to abandon him too.
Another Gloria:
Oh, so he’s out there somewhere and he’s available.
Gloria:
Go get him.
Another Gloria:
... I don’t know what to do with it all sometimes.
Gloria:
... The world failed us. When the world fails you, you have to make your own world... Here it is... You’re doing great, Gloria.
Another Gloria:
You too, Gloria.
Fiona and peter walk in.
Fiona:
Okay Gloria, there’s no easy way to say this, but I think I need to take the espresso... machine...
Gloria:
Gloria, this is Fiona.
Another Gloria:
Hi, Fiona.
Fiona:
...
Gloria:
Just give her a minute.
The door swings open to the sheep’s eye and Leif walks in.
Deidre:
Hey, Leif.
June:
Leif-a-reeno!
Steve:
There he is!
Leif:
Hey, guys.
Verge:
Hey, Leif, what have you got there?
Leif:
I have a bag full of presents.
Verge:
Or really? Like that guy Satan.
Leif:
Santa.
Verge:
Whatever.
Leif:
Big difference.
June:
They both come bearing gifts, though. Where’s my present. Give me my present. Gimmie gimmie gimmie.
Leif:
Sunglasses from Greedon.
June:
Nice.
Leif:
The tint will change with the light. You can look right at the sun with those.
June:
Excellent. These are my whole personality now.
Leif:
Steve. This is a copy of Funch Brunglin’s Pharmaka. That’s a rundown of all the drugs in the Triad. Now you can avoid another Scrambledegs situation.
Steve:
Leif, you’re just giving me a to-do list, man.
Leif:
Doug, the is Andi Bee’s Field Guide. Most major birds in the Triad should be in there, you’ve got pictures, video, and audio of their calls.
Doug:
Wow... The Cinder Husky, also know as the “What are you Doing Bird.” Let’s hear it.
Bird Guide.:
WHATAREYOUDOING?!
Doug:
Oh, my god!
Leif:
Tinkett. This is The Whoach.
Trinkett:
What is it?
Leif:
It’s kind of like amber, but photo reactive particles are suspended in it. When you turn out the lights it looks like you’re holding a handful of stars.
Trinkett:
It’s beautiful. Thank you, Leif.
Leif:
Celeste, I hear you’re moving on.
Celeste:
I am. It’s kind of sad.
Leif:
Well, it’s going to be an adventurous life, so here’s something for an adventure.
Celeste:
A gun?
Leif:
The Snarkybark double zero. Fits in your pocket and it packs a big punch.
Celeste:
It’s very cute.
Verge:
What are we, chopped liver over here?
Leif:
Okay, okay. Trinkett, can you hang on to these for me?
A book collection thumps down on the table.
Trinkett:
What are they?
Leif:
That’s every issue of Swamp Thing by Alan Moore. For Frank. When he gets back.
Trinkett:
Thank you, Leif.
Leif:
Okay... Verge, Deidre.
Verge:
What do you think he got us?
Deidre:
Maybe it’s a puppy.
Verge:
Don’t make me take care of a puppy, Leif.
Leif:
Here.
Leif opens a wooden box.
Deidre:
What is it?
Eldin:
Leif, is that a Tamimat?
Leif:
Kind of. I described it to Tavrok, showed him what pictures I could find. He did the best he could.
Deidre:
I don’t understand.
Eldin:
It’s a good luck charm, Deidre. It’s akin to earthlings hanging a horseshoe outside their house for good luck. But this one is Vapian.
Deidre:
Oh. That’s really sweet, Leif.
Verge:
It is, Leif. Thank you.
Leif:
... I love you guys.
Deidre:
We love you too, Leif.
Eldin:
Leif, now that that’s done, we’ve some business to conduct across the street before the party gets underway.
Leif:
Okay. Hey Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Is it time?
Leif:
Yeah. I’ve got to go do this meeting, after that... I’m ready to get fucking wasted.
Deidre:
Alright!
We move to a hill overlooking the garden. The dirigible passes overhead.
Steampunk Leif:
Attention all ships at sea, travel to the mountaintop via Dr. Torvaldson’s Fantastic Sky Machine will begin in one hour...
Effie:
(In Caspar’s Ear.) Caspar, you got your ears on?
Caspar:
Yeah, what’s up?
Effie:
There’s a whole carnival on the south end of this garden.
Caspar:
Sounds like fun.
Effie:
Have I told you how adept I am at the ring toss?
Caspar:
You have not.
Effie:
I have won you a stuffed frog.
Caspar:
A frog?
Effie:
I’ve named him Job because he appears to be so downtrodden.
Caspar:
You’ve won me a depressed frog.
Effie:
I think you’ll get along quite nicely.
Caspar:
Thanks, Effie.
Zebulon:
(In Caspar’s ear.) All done over here, dear.
Effie:
Alright, I’ll be there in two shakes dear.
Zebulon:
Caspar, how do you fare?
Caspar:
I’m doing okay.
Zebulon:
In the off chance that the day happens to hang heavy around you Caspar, just a reminder: you need not bear the weight alone.
Caspar:
I appreciate that, Zebulon. I’ll see you tonight.
Zebulon:
Until then.
Caspar:
... Hey, Ex. Family meeting.
Ex appears.
Ex:
Hey.
Caspar:
Where’ve you been?
Ex:
I’ve been all over this place, it’s fun.
Caspar:
Any Caspars out there?
Ex:
Nope, just you.
Caspar:
I’m one of a kind.
Ex:
You and me both... Is it time?
Caspar:
Yeah, I think so.
Ex:
It’ll be okay.
Caspar:
Okay.
David approaches.
David:
There you are.
Ex:
Hey.
David:
What are you guys doing?
Ex:
Family meeting.
David:
Sounds important. What’s up?
Caspar:
If you stand on this hill you can see almost all of the garden. There’s The Paradise all the way over there. The diner’s all the way over there. Apparently Fiona’s crew has found some sort of weird converted Pizza Hut, that’s in here somewhere. There’s a carnival. There’s mini-golf. The Crafty Introvert, Dick Rickels’ All Night Dance Hall, The Waffle Chateau.
David:
It’s a lot.
Caspar:
Yeah... Take your pick.
David:
... What do you mean?
Caspar:
... I spent decades just needing to know that you were okay. That's a long time. It meant a lot to me when you turned up in Pasadena. For a while, I got really wrapped up in the semantics. You're okay, but the David from my universe— is he okay? Does this even count as you being okay? But then I came to the conclusion that I know for a fact that every single version of me in every single universe loves every single version of you. So in the end, it doesn't really matter. I found you, and you were okay. I now know it's possible for you to be okay... So, here we are now. We’re out of danger and I ask myself: what now?
David:
You’re telling me to go?
Caspar:
No, David.
David:
Is this what you want?
Caspar:
David. What I want is to wake up tomorrow to you crying in your crib. You raise your arms up to me and we start the day. That’s what I want... It’s just goodbye and goodbye and goodbye, over and over again. That’s all anything is.
I’m not telling you to go. You’re more than welcome to come back to the diner with your boring dad and make that your life. I would love that. You’re more than welcome to stay here with Kazi and the freedom fighters. I would hate that. But standing here, on this hill, overlooking all of this... I’ll never be able to offer you this again. And I’m your dad. So I have to.
David:
You want me to stay but you’re asking me to go?
Caspar:
Of course I want you to stay. But that would be about me, not you. And it can’t be about me.
David:
I don’t understand this.
Caspar:
I know. I had no idea how to have this conversation.
David:
Then why are you doing it?
Caspar:
Because I have to, David.
David:
Why?
Kazi:
(In Caspar’s ear.) Caspar.
Caspar:
Oh, Jesus. What?
Kazi:
I’d like you at this meeting on the mountain.
Caspar:
I don’t care.
Kazi:
It’s important.
Caspar:
I’m in the middle of something important, Kazi.
Kazi:
I find that hard to believe.
Ex:
Hey, Caspar. Why don’t you go ahead and take that meeting?
Caspar:
What?
Ex:
I think David and I are going to have some sibling time.
David:
Right now?
Ex:
Caspar, go to the meeting.
Caspar:
I don’t want to go to the meeting.
Ex:
Caspar, go to the meeting, or I’m going to teleport you to the meeting.
Caspar:
... We’ll talk later.
David:
Sure.
Caspar walks off.
Ex:
Come on, let’s walk.
David and ex walk through the garden.
Ex:
David, there was no good version of that conversation. But he had to have it anyway.
David:
He didn’t have to have it at all.
Ex:
I know what you’re saying—
David:
He just got back. We’re finally through all of this, and now he’s telling me to go.
Ex:
He’s not telling you to go.
David:
Yes, he is.
Ex:
David, I know that’s all you heard, but that’s not what he told you.
David:
I gave up everything to be here, and he tells me to leave.
Ex:
Okay. Someone in this conversation has forgotten that I can read minds.
David:
What does that have to do with anything—
Ex:
You’re doing this out of guilt, David.
David:
No, I’m not—
Ex:
You ran away from home at the age of 14. And you found out later that it really fucked your dad up. It really did fuck him up, David. Those parts of his mind, those memories, they're very dark. It’s... The diner saved his life... You've been trying to make up for all that.
David:
Why is that so wrong?
Ex:
It's not wrong, David. In fact, it's very sweet. But, do you really want to apologize for all that he went through?
David:
Maybe I do.
Ex:
The best way to do that is to have a great life. And even though there's no way that conversation just now couldn't have been misunderstood, he had it anyway. Because he wants you to have the best life you can.
David:
Why can't that be at the diner?
Ex:
Maybe it could. But I want you to imagine ten years from now... 20? 30? What does it look like then? He can't have this conversation with you ten years from now, because this opportunity is never going to happen again. Trust me, I know. I'm a time traveler.
David:
... I don’t know.
Ex:
Look, there's no wrong decision. There's just a decision. That's all... But whatever you decide, just keep in mind that you've got a goofy, indestructible sister, and she's going to stop by sometimes, and it's going to be amazing.
David:
Okay.
Ex:
Y’know, for most people, the biggest decision they have to make in a day is what to have for lunch. So, count yourself lucky, Space Cowboy.
Elsewhere in the garden, peter slowly carries fiona’s espresso machine to its new home. Cass is watching them pass.
Fiona:
Careful, Peter. It’s an antique.
Cass:
Hey.
Fiona:
Oh, hi. I promise my robot is not stealing this espresso machine.
Cass:
I believe you. He’s pretty cute.
Fiona:
He’s great. Peter, say hello.
Peter:
Hello.
Cass:
Very cute.
Fiona:
He’ll repeat anything. Peter, say spaghetti squash.
Peter:
Spaghetti squash.
Fiona:
It’s not really a conversation, but I like to pretend it is.
Cass:
Fiona, right?
Fiona:
Yeah.
Cass:
I’m Cass.
Fiona:
Oh. You were in my ear yesterday.
Cass:
I was.
Fiona:
Thanks for the help. I am not battlefield-ready.
Cass:
I don’t know about that.
Fiona:
Thank you.
Cass:
So, I think we’re from the same planet.
Fiona:
Are we?
Cass:
2012? Planet Mitt Romney?
Fiona:
Oh. Yeah. How are things going?
Cass:
I’ve been a little busy, but I’m sure they’re fine.
Fiona:
Wow, what are the chances?
Cass:
Right? So why are you stealing an espresso machine?
Fiona:
Well, me and my friends are moving from the diner over to something that used to be a Pizza Hut and is now a whole other thing.
Cass:
That’s exciting.
Fiona:
Yeah, lots to do. Are you going to party later?
Cass:
I’ll be there.
Fiona:
Cool. See you then.
Fiona keeps walking.
Cass:
Hey, Fiona?
Fiona:
Yeah?
Cass:
Can I give you a tour of my ship later?
Fiona:
Oh, that sounds really cool actually, but we kind of need to get our stuff out of the diner before these things start taking off again so—
Cass:
Fiona. Can I give you a tour. Of my ship.
Fiona:
... Oh!
Cass:
Hi.
Fiona:
... A tour.
Cass:
Correct.
Fiona:
Of your ship.
Cass:
Yes.
Fiona:
Got it. Peter, say innuendo.
Peter:
Innuendo.
Fiona:
I... would love a tour of your ship.
Cass:
Great.
Fiona:
It looks like a... great ship.
Cass:
It’s a fantastic ship, Fiona.
Fiona:
That’s... great news for ship lovers.
Cass:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye?
Fiona:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye.
Cass:
See you then.
Cass walks off.
Fiona:
Okay... Back in the saddle again, baby.
Fiona walks into the not-a-pizza-hut.
Fiona:
Everyone. Can I have your attention please. A woman just hit on me. Please lay your laurels at my feet.
Libuza:
Congratulations.
Fiona:
Oh, hey Libuza... Libuza, is that all of your stuff?
We move to trinkett’s shop.
Eldin:
The most confounding thing about this story is the lack of evidence. What I mean by that is: Meesock, for example, left traces of himself all throughout the Triad. You can find bits and pieces of his designs on multiple planets. Not to mention the fact that, according to Leif's story, he was responsible for the creation of the entire Urt civilization. Then there's Krok. Krok was a freedom fighter during the Age of Conquerors and left behind very many children, as some of you know. But this Tirok character, there is no evidence in any database of anyone matching this description: some sort of eternal madman bent on destroying all of existence.
Leif:
I can only tell you what he told me.
Kazi:
Forgive my frankness, but this story has all the hallmarks of a hallucination.
Leif:
The only problem with that is my left arm and my right foot.
Eldin:
Yes, to the uninitiated: Leif's left arm and right foot are unlike anything we've ever seen. They'd be classified as a one-to-one device— something that can completely take the place of an extremity in both function and sensation. There is nothing like that in the Triad, not even in theory.
Voon:
I have done comprehensive scans of Leif's synthetic limbs, and I too am confounded by their technology.
Caspar:
So whoever this Tirok guy is, we don't know what he wants.
Ava:
He wants what a lot of people want: to know why we're here.
Caspar:
And because of all that he wants to destroy everything?
Leif:
Everything.
Ava:
Destroying everything implies wreckage in the aftermath. He doesn't want destruction. He wants... He wants nothingness.
Trinkett:
There may not be any proof that he exists, but there are figures like this in the collective unconscious. All throughout history, you can hear stories of a paradise being created and in the midst of all that is one guy who really, really hates that it happened.
Voon:
Multiple aspects of Leif's story appear to be true. There is evidence that can be cited. The only thing we have no evidence of is the mention of Tirok. I believe it would be foolish of us to discard one part of his story as false while accepting the rest as true.
Kazi:
I’m not prepared to accept any of it as true just yet.
Leif:
Kazi, I know it's a tough pill to swallow— to learn that not only did you have a shitty father, you have a shitty uncle. But your other uncle's great.
Caspar:
Okay guys, what's the point of this Council of Elrond here? News flash: There's a shithead out there. What else is new?
Gloria:
I was the one who wanted to have the meeting. I thought it was important that everybody know what we know. Now that everyone knows, my take on it is this: What the fuck are we supposed to do?
Trinkett:
I agree. We all live our lives on the brink of destruction every day. This being, whoever they are, they’re just another thing that can go wrong. It’s good we know he’s out there. We can all keep a lookout. Until then, we’ve got someone to find. And we’re going to focus on that.
Effie:
I think we’ll side with the sorceress on this one, y’all.
Zebulon:
Seems as though a great evil lurks. One might think the best way to confront such evil is to ride out and face it down. I believe now, as I always have, that evil quite often wants you to get down in the mud with it— when the true way to cast it out is with acts of lawfulness, acts of hope, acts of kindness. Evil cannot dwell in a land of plenty. Fruits born from the fertile ground of joy will be bitter upon evil tongues.
Trinkett:
I’m really loving the radio people, by the way.
Gloria:
Alright, guys. Party at the Sheep’s Eye?
Trinkett:
Party at the Sheep’s Eye.
Leif:
Hey, Voon. How are you holding up?
Voon:
I must admit, the day has been filled with many experiences that I am failing to appropriately categorize.
Leif:
Yeah, it’s been a wild one, huh?
Voon:
Referring to your story of Meesock. Allegedly my people were created because... because of a mistake.
Leif:
Sounds like it, yeah. But, so was everybody else. Listen, I know it’s time for the party but, could you help me out with something?
Voon:
Of course.
Leif:
Alright, let’s take a walk.
Across the street at the Sheep’s Eye, the party has begun.
Pants darts has commenced.
June:
Alright, step right up, Losers. Teta has five pairs of pants and she’s not stopping there.
Teta:
This game rules! Get up here losers! I’m taking your pants, I’m taking your pants, and I’m taking your fucking pants!
Phil steps up to the plate.
Phil:
Ma’am, my name is Captain Philp Buck, and I’m about to win those pants right off your ass.
Teta:
Woo! Now we’re talking!
June:
Let’s get ready to rumble!
Trinkett talks with the mucklewains.
Trinkett:
I would never say I’m chosen, because that puts me above other people. But I’m on a path. I’m locked into something.
Zebulon:
As though the dark path through the valley suddenly becomes lamp-lit.
Trinkett:
Exactly. It’s a very real feeling.
Effie:
Let me ask you this, Trinkett. Do you ever have notions coming up in your knees?
Trinkett:
Oh, my god, mine are in my elbows!
Deidre is behind the bar.
Deidre:
You know, I usually don’t let people smoke in here.
Ava:
That’s fascism.
Verge:
It’s just this one time, Baby, I promise.
Ava:
This is the finest rolled cigarette I’ve ever had in my life.
Verge:
It’s the extra arms.
Ava:
I need to get me some of those.
Deidre:
The bottom arms are always trying to take my pants off.
Verge:
They have a mind of their own, honey.
Deidre:
Sure.
Verge:
It’s always a negotiation.
Ava:
Hey, I wanted to say: I really admire the way your people turned their planet into a black hole. Such a baller move.
Verge:
Thank you?
Deidre:
Ava, where’s your guy?
Ava:
He’s over there talking about birds like a dork.
Caspar is talking about birds like a dork.
Caspar:
And then, there it was: the Stephens Island wren.
Doug:
No.
Caspar:
In this universe, it never went extinct.
Doug:
Did you get a picture?
Caspar:
I didn’t have a camera. But listen, there are so many bird opportunities out there, you’re going to love it. My life list is crazy.
Doug:
You know, we have Wallcreepers here.
Caspar:
Get the fuck out of here, Doug!
Steve and gloria talk business.
Steve:
Every time someone comes in the door, I’ve got to know their name and where they’re from.
Gloria:
People don’t understand how far that goes.
Steve:
When I walk into a place and someone’s like, “Hey Steve, how’re you doing?” It’s like the room warms up, right?
Gloria:
There are too many strangers out there, Steve.
Steve:
That’s how I was as a drug dealer, that’s how I am now.
Gloria:
As a what?
We move to the forest. Leif and voon walk into the glade of starlings.
Leif:
This way.
Voon:
It’s quite lovely here.
Leif:
Yeah, I’m going to miss it. But my command center on the roof is like a part of me. I’ve got to get back to it.
Voon:
Why have you brought me here?
Leif:
When we go back to the party, you should scan the Sheep’s Eye. It’s built around an arvium frame.
Voon:
Arvium?
Leif:
Not many civilizations that can manipulate arvium like that, so it was obviously an Urt.
Voon:
I see... Leif, you have been traveling on these constructs for a considerable amount of time.
Leif:
Yeah.
Voon:
Are you aware for how long?
Leif:
No, I lost track a long time ago.
Voon:
Along your journey, have you begun to question your place in existence? Have you questioned your relationship to existence itself?
Leif:
Sure.
Voon:
How does one maintain a sense of self while the foundation upon which you have forged that concept begins to shift?
Leif:
It’s a tough one, right?
Voon:
It is.
Leif:
Let me play you something. Eldin, play that audio.
Eldin plays the audio of the starlings singing.
Leif:
The birds in this glade are starlings. They can perfectly imitate sounds. They hear a sound, imitate it, and then incorporate it into their songs. They take bits and pieces of songs from each other like collectible pins and they pass them on to younger generations. Eldin, eliminate everything but the designated frequency.
The sound of the starlings is stripped away to only one of the sounds they make. It now sounds like bits and pieces of data.
Leif:
What does that sound like to you?
Voon:
That is compressed Urt data.
Leif:
It is.
Voon:
The birds... they were used to store data?
Leif:
Eldin, connect the data fragments.
The bits of data are transformed into one continuous stream.
Leif:
Now unpack the data and play the file.
The data transforms into an audio message.
O-Tan:
(In Leif’s phone.) Greetings sourcer. I am O-Tahn, Sourcer ID 3556 Binary. Please forgive the unconventional delivery of this message. I was seeking a form of delivery that would not degrade over time, and I became fascinated with these passerine birds and their exceptional mimicry. My thought was to teach them the sound of a stream of data that could then be decompressed and accessed. Thank you for being the recipient of this experiment. My motivation for investigating this avenue of experimentation was a desire to establish an asymmetric form of communication. I wished to speak not with the home world, but with those of us out here at the fringes of the cosmos. Hello, my friend. How have you fared? I have something I wish to pass on to you. We are told: keep Urt within you, and I always have. But I wish to say that there is room within us for so much more. That sacred community upon which our civilization was founded does not have a locus. It is not fixed. Keep Urt within you, sorcerer, but also, Urt is everywhere.
The message ends.
Voon:
Fascinating.
Leif:
It's really something, isn't it?
Voon:
What do you suppose was the need for delivering this message?
Leif:
You asked me how I keep my head screwed on straight. We’re engineers, Voon. We stick with what works. There’s a bar full of people back there. That’s what works for me.
Voon:
... Urt is everywhere.
Leif:
Urt is everywhere.
We move back to outside the Sheep’s Eye. Fiona approaches as David sits on the steps.
Fiona:
Hello, there.
David:
Hello.
Fiona:
... It’s a truly lovely evening isn’t it, David?
David:
Oh. What’s this vibe?
Fiona:
Moi? A vibe?
David:
What is happening?
Fiona:
I think you know what’s happening.
David:
... Really?
Fiona:
Oh, yes.
David:
Look at you.
Fiona:
Look at me.
David:
Let me guess... Major Cass?
Fiona:
Major Cass, David.
David:
How was that?
Fiona:
It was Major, David. That’s how it was.
David:
Welcome back to the land of the living.
Fiona:
Thank you, my fellow sex-haver. What are you doing out here on the steps?
David:
I was thinking.
Fiona:
What about?
David:
How’s the new place?
Fiona:
It’s great so far. No secret portals to frozen worlds yet but the night is young.
David:
It’s a Pizza Hut?
Fiona:
Technically it’s a Pizza Hut that survived an apocalypse and then became some sort of post-apocalyptic oasis.
David:
Great.
Fiona:
Come inside, I’ll tell you all about it.
David:
Um...
Fiona:
... What’s up?
David:
...
Fiona:
David?
David:
... Have you got room for one more?
Fiona:
Really?
David:
If you don’t, I understand—
Fiona:
David. I’ll knock down a fucking wall if I have to. Come inside, tell me everything.
David:
Okay.
They enter the sheep’s eye where the party is still going.
Teta:
So, you're really going to climb aboard one of those things, huh?
Libuza:
I was surprised too.
Teta:
Do you need a gun? Let me get you a gun.
Libuza:
No, thank you, Teta.
Teta:
Just a small one.
Kazi:
Are you sure this is what you want, Libuza?
Libuza:
Yes, I think so. It feels like the right thing. Sometimes it's just time to go.
Teta:
I'm sure we'll see you again. Casper keeps coming back, the poor bastard. He can’t get over me.
Libuza:
I'll worry about you two. Are you sure you'll be all right without me?
Teta:
We’ve got plenty to do.
Kazi:
That’s correct. We still need to get Cryptessia in order, and then after that we'll decide what to do about the Triad. But before all that... I have a date.
Teta literally spit-takes her beer.
Libuza:
What?
Teta:
What?
Kazi:
... What?
Ava:
So, I believe we discussed a vacation.
Caspar:
I remember that, yes. How would that work exactly?
Ava:
No idea, but it's out there somewhere. I can feel it.
Caspar:
Okay... Hey.
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
I love you.
Ava:
I know... It’d be weird if you put up with this much abuse and didn’t, right?
Caspar:
Right.
Ava:
... I reiterate my previous point.
Caspar:
Which was?
Ava:
... Don’t go.
Caspar:
... And I reiterate my response.
Ava:
Good.
Gloria gets up to address the crowd.
Gloria:
Everyone, hello. Can I have your attention, please? Thank you. First of all, I want to say thank you to Hood’s Pocket for this amazing party. This has been so great, and thank you for taking care of Leif for us. Secondly, I just wanted to say something really quick. I know that pretty soon here, all of us are going to be going our separate ways, and that will be very sad because you're all so wonderful. That's made me think of something that an old man told me one time: "I live forever in every moment I've existed." That means no matter where we go and no matter what we do after this— this moment right here, where we're all together, will last forever. I'll take that with me when I go.
Celeste enters.
Celeste:
Hey, everyone. Are we ready for the group photo?
We transition outside. Everyone is getting ARRANGED for the group photo. We hear the sound of the Ashlesaurus.
June:
Pretty big move to put your girlfriend in the picture, Doug. Are you sure you’re ready for that step?
Doug:
Oh, come on.
Tavrok:
I do not like photographs.
June:
I know, babe. I really appreciate you taking your shirt off though.
Ex teleports in.
Ex:
Okay, I’m ready.
David:
Ex, come here.
Ex:
We’re doing the picture.
David:
Dad, come here.
Caspar:
It’s picture time.
David:
Come here!
Caspar:
Okay!
Ex:
David what is it?
Caspar:
What’s going on?
David:
It’s Christmas.
Caspar:
... What?
Ex:
What are you talking about?
David:
Today is Christmas day.
Ex:
I don’t understand.
Caspar:
I don’t think we know what day it is I can ask that computer box thing what day it is-
David:
Listen to me. Today is Christmas we are saying today is Christmas.
Ex:
Why are we doing that?
David:
Because tomorrow, Ex is going to count 364 days, and then she’s going to get in the Boom Cube, come get us, and we’re doing Christmas.
Caspar:
... Oh.
Ex:
That’s actually a great idea.
Caspar:
That’s a great idea because we have the Boom Cube.
Ex:
We have the cube now.
David:
Okay?
Caspar:
... Okay but where are we having Christmas?
Ex:
I don’t know.
Caspar:
We have snow so that’s a point for us.
Ex:
I have kids though. I mean, they’re trees but they’re still kids.
Caspar:
Question: can we decorate the children with Christmas ornaments?
Ex:
No!
David:
We can figure this out later... We’re doing this, okay?
Ex:
I think it’s great.
Caspar:
... It’s great, David.
Effie:
Y’all want to hop to for the photography?!
Caspar:
Sorry sorry sorry.
David:
Okay, Mucklewains, I’ve got you.
Effie:
Dear, why are you putting on a tie? You know they can’t see us.
Zebulon:
It’s the spirit of the moment, dear.
Steve:
I’m going to hold up some molotov cocktails, what do y’all think?
Verge:
You know, hanging Leif’s gift above the door kind of means we’re married now.
Deidre:
Oh, yeah? Well, I demand you change your last name to Peppercorns.
Verge:
Done.
Trinkett:
Is my sign blocking anyone?
Celeste:
What does it say?
Trinkett:
“We love you, Frank!”
Celeste:
Sweetie, do I look okay?
Slabz Mcterpz:
You are a vision.
Ava:
I am not holding your hand for the picture.
Caspar:
Who said I wanted to hold your hand?
Ava:
You wish you could hold my hand.
Gloria:
I would like copies of this photo, please!
Leif:
Hey Slabz, what kind of camera are you using!?
Fiona:
Tell me when you’re going to take the picture. I’m going to throw Peter in the air!
Voon:
How shall I pose for the picture?
Phil:
Just wave to the camera, Voon. How’s my hair looking?
Libuza:
A date?
Teta:
Like, with a person?
Kazi:
Please, I’m trying to stand still for the photograph.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Prepare yourselves! 5...4...3...2...
The camera goes off with a flash. We begin to hear the sound of the diner traveling. We then hear fiona, continuing to read from the instructions left behind in the not-a-pizza-hut.
Fiona:
So, that's what this place is, but what is this place really?... I heard in the old world there were billions of people, which would make you think we were always together. How could we not be? Turns out, the more of us there were, the less time we spent with each other. Not sure how that happened.I can tell you how it was for us. For us, at first, the world was dark, and you were suspicious of every noise you heard. You'd make your way through this dark land, hoping one day the sun would come up, not knowing if it ever would. You put one foot in front of the other and you just hoped. Hoped that one day it would all make sense. Hoped that one day you actually had a reason to survive.As you trudged along that road, one foot in front of the other, if you did it long enough, eventually there was a light up ahead. The closer you got, the brighter it got. And there was a door there, and a room, and people, and a place to be. "Thank god I kept going," you would say to yourself. "Thank god I'm here."
Right now, as you're reading this, there's someone out there on a dark road, and they don't know where they're going. But they keep going anyway, in the hope that one day there’ll be a reason.They're desperate for the world to show them why they continue. This place is the reason why. That warm place in the cold. The light just up ahead. They're looking for you right now. I hope you get there in time.
They’re out there. Somewhere. Looking for you.
Post credits scene
Somewhere out there, the not-a-pizza-hut sits quietly on the landscape. A car comes screeching around the corner and tries to come to a stop, but lightly hits a fire hydrant.
Phil:
(From inside the car.) Goddamnit!
The doors open and the crew gets out.
Phil:
Somebody in this crew needs to learn how to drive!
Libuza:
I don’t think my feet will reach the pedals.
Voon:
And I believe my legs are too long.
David:
I’m a creature of public transportation.
Fiona:
Same here!
David:
I think we did fine. We didn’t know how to rob a bank either, but we did alright.
Fiona:
Who knew Nyxites were such good safe crackers?
Voon:
We appear to have evaded the authorities.
Phil:
That’s a miracle.
Libuza:
I had fun.
Phil:
We did okay, but seriously, a learner’s permit? Something? This is not the last car we’ll need to drive.
David:
I’ll think about it. I need a good pair of driving gloves first.
Fiona:
Yes, that is essential.
David’s phone chimes.
Fiona:
What was that?
David:
Was that my phone?
Fiona:
How would your phone be working?
David:
Leif said he did something to it... I have a voicemail.
Fiona:
Really?
Christina:
(In David’s phone.) Hey David, it’s Christina. You know, your friendly neighborhood teleporting lawyer?
David:
Oh, shit.
Fiona:
What?
Christina:
You really left me with a mess, David. Things here have been completely insane. Considering what happened to you, I imagine there's no way this message will ever get to you, but here I am leaving it anyway... David... There’s something out there... And I think it may be looking for you guys.
End of season five.
No next episode