Midnight Burger
Chapter 54: A Diner in the Desert
In the diner, everyone is listening to kazi’s debrief.
Kazi:
I was able to spare a few ships to scan the area, and there doesn’t appear to be any sign of them. But we are talking about three people in the vastness of space.
Gloria:
Could they have teleported away?
Kazi:
Something stopped that beam from hitting the diner, Gloria. I can’t see how they could’ve stopped the attack and somehow gotten away.
Phil:
They jumped in front of the bullet for us.
Gloria:
What does Libuza say?
Kazi:
I think it best that Libuza stay focused on Krok’s planet. They appear to have powered down the weapon for now. It’s likely that they see Caspar’s intervention as some sort of malfunction on their part and are trying to asses what’s happened.
Fiona:
Do you think there’s any way they could’ve survived?
Kazi:
... Not by any conventional wisdom, Fiona. The amount of energy that was heading for the diner was world-killing. It’s astounding they were able to stop it.
Fiona:
But Ava said she saw the weapon tested on Krok’s planet. Why didn’t it destroy his planet?
Voon:
According to Dr. Maddox, the weapon utilizes energy harvested from vacuum fluctuations. Energy such as this dissipates very quickly. The amount of energy required to reach across a galaxy would need to be massive to counteract the energy lost during transit.
Phil:
Look, if there’s any chance they could be out there, you have to keep looking for them. That’s how this works.
Kazi:
I understand that, Captain. But we need to accept certain realities. As of now, the diner is completely vulnerable. If they decide to fire their weapon again, there will be no way of stopping it.
Fiona:
We’re going to jump in a few minutes. We’ll be safe then.
Kazi:
Yes. Which means I have twelve Earth hours to consolidate what ships we have and begin our assault on the home world... I’m unsure what else to do, other than hope.
Fiona:
... Jesus Christ.
Gloria:
... Kazi, we’re going to jump soon. I’m not sure where were going but... If the three of them are still out there somewhere, that’s where we’re headed.
Kazi:
You think so?
Gloria:
You said you don’t understand how they could’ve survived using any conventional wisdom. We don’t really do conventional wisdom around here.
Kazi:
Very well. Then it’s a good thing I’ve sent you some backup.
Gloria:
Backup?
Voon:
Gloria, Em is detecting a ship inbound.
Gloria:
Shit.
Kazi:
Not to worry. They insisted I send them to you.
A ship approaches and hovers over the diner. After a moment it flies away.
Gloria:
What was that?
Phil:
Where’s the backup?
we begin to hear old timey music playing.
Gloria:
Listen...
Fiona:
... No fucking way.
Gloria:
Mucklewains?
Zebulon:
(Back in the radio.) “Return home, you wayward children,” says the Lord, for I am your master. I will bring you back..."
Gloria:
Thank God.
Gloria hugs the radio.
Phil:
Why is she hugging the radio?
Fiona:
The Mucklewains are back.
Phil:
The people who live in the radio?
Fiona:
Yeah.
Phil:
That was real?
Fiona:
That was so real.
Effie:
It. Is. A. Mess. In. This. House.
Zebulon:
Gloria, we have returned.
Gloria:
And I’m so happy.
Zebulon:
Greetings, all. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.
Effie:
(Already in the background sweeping.) Hi, y’all.
Voon:
I am confused.
Zebulon:
Times may be dark, but we are here to cast what light we can, Gloria.
Effie:
Fiona, how do you fare?
Fiona:
I’m good, Effie.
Gloria:
Guys, this is Phil and Voon.
Zebulon:
Tip of the hat to you, gents.
Effie:
(Returning to the mic.) That Mr. Voon has quite a bit of altitude on him, doesn’t he, dear?
Zebulon:
Cloud formations around the top of him, dear.
Voon:
I am detecting no technology.
Gloria:
Don’t worry about it, Voon.
Effie:
Pleased to meet you as well, Philip. Whereabouts do you hail from?
Phil:
Uh, I’m from Tyler, Texas, ma’am.
Zebulon:
Well, now, Philip, where’s that Texas twang?
Phil:
Yeah, that’s the funny thing about Texas. Some people can’t help it and then for other people it’s kind of a choice. George W. Bush was the only guy in that family with a Texas accent, you know what I mean?
Zebulon:
Tyler... We knew someone from Tyler, didn’t we dear?
Effie:
That’d be Natalie Bartlett and her husband Beufort.
Zebulon:
Ah, yes.
Effie:
Traveling salesmen the both of them.
Zebulon:
Encyclopedias.
Effie:
Good ones, too.
Zebulon:
Gilt edged, leather bound.
Effie:
You ever run into either of them, Philip?
Phil:
Uh, no, I must’ve missed them.
Effie:
No surprise, there. Natalie was a peach of a gal but that husband of hers was the type that blended in with the furniture, if you don’t mind me saying.
Zebulon:
Gloria, we have heard the news of our friends.
Effie:
But let’s not call the race before the finish line’s been crossed, y’all.
Fiona:
Guys, Kazi isn’t very optimistic on their chances of survival.
Effie:
Well now, Fiona, is optimism what we’ve come to expect from Kazi?
Fiona:
No.
Zebulon:
There is no choice but to hope in times like these, Fiona.
Fiona:
If you say so.
Effie:
In fact we do, Fiona. Gloria, when are we set to shove off?
Gloria:
Any second now.
Effie:
Very well then. That gives us some time to to clean up the mess in here.
Zebulon:
Looks like we’ve been hit by a tornado or two. Y’all, we have lost souls to find. But first, let’s all grab a broom and make room for good fortune to find us, shall we?
Gloria:
Good idea, guys.
Phil:
I’ll clean the kitchen.
Voon:
I shall continue my research.
Gloria:
I’ll take front of house.
Fiona:
And I’ll go feed the murder beast.
Effie:
Feed the what now?
We hear north african rock music as we move to a car driving through the desert. The car drives on, disappearing into the distance as david watches it go while sitting atop the cube.
David:
Don’t mind me. Just sitting on top of a huge glass cube in the middle of the desert. Carry on.
Caspar approaches.
David:
See anything?
Caspar:
No... I went to the top of both ridges. Nothing for miles. Just one road and desert as far as the eye can see.
David:
Any idea where we are?
Caspar:
Well, there’s one sun and that looks like our moon, so I guess we’re on Earth. The desert’s no joke— we might be in the Sahara.
David:
A car drove by.
Caspar:
It did? Did you try to flag them down?
David:
Should I have?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
David:
We can’t stay out here forever.
Caspar:
... I know.
David:
... What do you think happened?
Caspar:
I don’t know, it’s all kind of a blur.
David:
... Do you think this even worked? Do you think we saved the diner?
Caspar:
... I don’t know.
David:
... I really liked her.
Caspar:
I know. Look, Ex has been down before and she managed to fix herself.
David:
Didn’t you say that took a few decades?
Caspar:
It did. But she was okay eventually.
David:
... Let’s not spend a few decades out here.
Caspar:
I know.
David:
How could she be gone but we’re still here?
Caspar:
I don’t know. We were trying to take the hit for the diner but maybe she decided to take the hit for us somehow. It’s hard for me to figure out what she did when I have no idea how she works... At least we didn’t wake up to pieces of her strewn across the desert.
Another car drives by and stops for a moment.
Caspar:
(To the car.) It’s an art installation.
The car keeps driving.
David:
Uh... so do we live here now?
Caspar:
I don’t know... Do you like flatbread?
David:
Why?
Caspar:
If we’re in the Sahara there’s going to be a lot of flat bread.
David:
Sounds like I’ll have to like it.
Caspar:
Well, there’s always a McDonald’s somewhere.
David:
Have you been here before?
Caspar:
The Sahara?... No, I guess I haven’t. Kind of weird. I feel like I’ve been everywhere at this point.
David:
... Even if she was here we wouldn’t be able to help her.
Caspar:
I know.
David:
... We don’t know how far from civilization we are.
Caspar:
I know.
David:
... What would she want us to do?
Caspar:
... I know... Okay... Okay, which way was the first car driving?
David:
That way.
Caspar:
Same direction as the other car. I guess we follow the flow of traffic. Hopefully we hit a town before night fall.
David:
You don’t want to do this at all, do you?
Caspar:
No, we should... We should...
David:
Dad.
Caspar:
You should probably hide your gun. It’s not great for hitchhiking.
David:
Okay.
Caspar:
... Let’s go.
They begin to walk along the road.
David:
... So, what do you think our new life in the desert is going to be like?
Caspar:
I don’t know. There’s got to be something resembling the DMV around here, right?
David:
You’re going to go from your time-traveling adventures right back into the DMV?
Caspar:
I have a very limited set of skills, David. How about you?
David:
Textiles.
Caspar:
Oh, textiles?
David:
I’ll get a boat and sell rugs to every port city in the Mediterranean.
Caspar:
Rugs are important.
David:
How else are people going to tie the room together?
Caspar:
There’s literally no other way.
Caspar stops walking.
David:
What is it?
Caspar:
You hear that?
On the side of the road, the air cracks and the diner appears.
David:
Well, there goes that dream.
Caspar:
I guess I should expect this by now.
Gloria walks out the front door.
Gloria:
Hey!
Caspar:
Hi, are you open?
Gloria:
I’m sorry we’re not. Can you come back in twelve hours?
Caspar:
We literally can’t.
Gloria:
Get in here.
David:
Hey, Gloria.
Gloria:
You guys had me pretty worried.
Caspar:
We’re okay.
Gloria:
Where’s Ex?
Caspar:
... I don’t know. We can’t find her. When that thing hit us, everything got very strange. By the time either of us could see straight she was nowhere to be found.
Gloria:
Alright... Alright, well let’s get inside and start hoping for the best okay?
Caspar:
Okay.
Gloria:
Thanks for, you know, saving all of our lives and stuff.
Caspar:
Sure.
They walk into the diner. The Mucklewains are playing music. Voon is deep in thought, trying to figure out what the hell the mucklewains are.
Zebulon:
Well, well. Returned are the conquering heroes.
Caspar:
Hey, Zebulon.
Effie:
(Still cleaning.) Did we find them?
Zebulon:
Sure enough, we were brought right to them, dear.
Effie:
(Back at the mic.) Well, look at you, weary traveler.
Caspar:
Hey, Effie.
Effie:
I see you’re missing a member of your party.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Effie:
Alright. Well, you know what they say about hope, Caspar, it springs eternal.
Caspar:
That’s what I hear.
Fiona:
Hey.
David:
Hey.
Fiona:
Hug me.
David:
Okay.
Fiona:
I was really freaking out.
David:
We’re okay.
Fiona:
Where’s your friend?
David:
We don’t know.
Fiona:
Oh, god.
Caspar:
Mucklewains, there’s a very tall person hovering over the radio.
Zebulon:
Yes, that is Mr. Voon.
Effie:
Turns out our presence has Mr. Voon quite confounded. Mr. Voon, say hello.
Voon:
Forgive me. I am Voon.
Caspar:
Hey, Voon.
Voon:
We are deeply indebted to you for saving us.
Caspar:
Don’t mention it.
David:
Sweet Jesus, is that an espresso machine?
Fiona:
It is!
David:
Civilization?
Fiona:
It’s here! Let me make you something.
David:
Please. Bring me anything that makes me look good.
Fiona:
Okay.
Phil:
Hey, I’m Phil.
Caspar:
Hey, Phil. Thanks for picking us up.
Phil:
Thanks for saving our asses.
Effie:
Caspar, you’re looking rode hard and put away wet. Why don’t you go and put your feet up?
Caspar:
Um...
Zebulon:
Caspar, sometimes all there is to do is hope and put one’s feet up.
Caspar:
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Caspar heads to a booth.
Phil:
What’s going on there?
Effie:
They were three and they came back to us two.
Phil:
Aw, shit.
Gloria:
Voon, any idea where we are?
Voon:
One moment.
Em floats through the dining room and out the front door.
David:
A floating ball, an espresso machine— this place is so modern now. Fiona, did you add an HR department?
Fiona:
God, can you imagine?
Phil:
I know I’m getting fired.
David and fiona sit down. David has a fancy coffee.
David:
This place is getting nice. I almost feel like I can hang out here now.
Caspar:
What are you drinking?
Fiona:
It’s a mochaccino.
Caspar:
A mochaccino? It’s very small.
David:
It is.
Caspar:
Have you got any room for coffee in there?
David:
I have room for coffee but no room for your disdain.
Caspar:
There’s no disdain. I support your tiny coffee.
Fiona:
Caspar, I have a special skill where I can match someone to the perfect espresso drink based on vibes alone.
Caspar:
I’m sorry, Fiona, I actually lost my vibes in a car accident one time.
Fiona:
No, seriously, watch.
Caspar:
Okay.
Fiona:
... Damn, all I’m getting from you is black coffee.
Caspar:
See?
Gloria:
Hey, Caspar. I talked to Kazi before we showed up here.
Caspar:
And?
Gloria:
She says that after you guys saved us, they powered down the weapon. They think whatever happened is their fault. It bought us some time.
Caspar:
Good... Time is good.
Gloria:
Kazi’s going to use the time to make a move on Krok. Her ships are headed there as we speak.
Caspar:
Okay... I guess we’re going to be less help than I thought now.
Gloria:
... Yeah.
The murder beast has emerged from underneath a corner booth and moved into the dining room.
David:
Um... Quick question.
Gloria:
What?
Caspar:
What?
Caspar sees the murder beast.
Caspar:
What.
Gloria:
Okay, so... Funny story.
David:
What the fuck is that thing?
Caspar:
Gloria, what the fuck is the murder beast doing here?
Gloria:
We didn’t really have a choice.
Caspar:
Sure you did, Gloria.
Gloria:
Listen-
David:
If this were a video game, that’s a thing I should be shooting.
Gloria:
It’s not a video game.
David:
What the fuck is that thing?
Caspar:
What is it doing here?
Gloria:
We had to bring it with us.
Caspar:
Gloria, how many animals are you going bring aboard the diner? Is a flood coming?
Gloria:
It’s human.
Caspar:
No it’s not.
Voon:
I’m afraid what Gloria says is the truth. It has departed severely from developmental norms, but the creature’s base DNA and organics are that of a human.
Gloria:
We went back to its planet. Turns out when we first touched down there, we were in Cryptessia. That thing was created by Krok.
Caspar:
That thing?
Gloria:
Yes.
Caspar:
Is just another one of Krok’s experiments?
Gloria:
Yes.
David:
I realize he’s a psychotic space god and everything, but why does he have to make it weird?
Fiona:
I know it’s terrifying, but honestly it’s kind of a sweetie.
Caspar:
Well, let’s put a bow on it.
Effie:
We were surprised as well, Caspar. But it appears our be-toothed friend is just another of the many maligned folks in the neighborhood.
Zebulon:
Our hearts have gone out to it, Caspar. He’s not unlike a big old dog who’s had a terrible owner for years.
Phil emerges from the kitchen with an entire chicken.
Phil:
He sleeps under a corner booth most of the time. Only comes out when he’s hungry. So we keep a whole chicken in the oven, and whenever he comes out... Here you go, big man.
The murder beast puts the whole chicken in it’s mouth and eats.
David:
Whoa.
Caspar:
Oof. Bones and all, huh? Wait, I thought it could only eat it’s own kind?
Gloria:
It changed. Apparently after I gave it that cup of coffee, something happened.
The murder beast lumbers back to a booth and crawls underneath it.
Gloria:
We decided it was in danger on its own planet, so... So now it lives under a booth.
Caspar:
O... kay, well I hope we don’t run out of chickens.
Gloria:
It’s safe for now, but we need to find it a permanent home.
Caspar:
It’s not safe here, Gloria. This isn’t a safe place. There were three of us in that cube.
Em re-enters the diner.
Voon:
Em reports we are currently in the northern desert of the African continent, in the nation of Algeria. Information Age societies.
Fiona:
Oh, we’ve been here before.
Phil:
I thought it looked familiar.
Gloria:
Caspar, let me make you something. Can I get you something?
Caspar:
I’m okay. I’m going to... uh, I’m going to go up to the roof, have a look around. Maybe I can see something from there, okay?
Gloria:
Sure.
Caspar heads for the roof.
Gloria:
... How’s he doing?
David:
Gloria, this is going to shock you to hear, but sometimes people say they’re okay when in fact... they aren’t.
Gloria:
What?
David:
It’s true.
Gloria:
You’re kidding.
David:
Can you believe it?
Gloria:
So, he’s being Mr. Holding-It-All-Together right now, huh?
David:
Yeah he’s... I don’t know. He’s pretty shook up.
Gloria:
Y’know... They went on this whole odyssey together, the two of them. Criss-crossed the Triad trying to track us down, when he got separated from the diner. When he got back, he was... He was different, somehow. He was a little bit lighter. She brought something out in him.
Fiona:
Excuse me for a second guys.
Fiona crosses the room to the radio.
Fiona:
Hey, Mucklewains.
Effie:
Fiona, can I ask you, what in all heck happened while we were away? It looks like this house has been turned upside down.
Fiona:
Well, there was one time when an air force pilot being chased by aliens was coming through the speakers.
Effie:
That’ll do it. It does look like an airplane’s been flown right through the library.
Zebulon:
Found the trivet, dear. It was filed among the symphonic works.
Effie:
What do you need, Fiona?
Fiona:
We’re a little worried about Caspar. Would you guys mind if I brought you up to the roof?
Effie:
Hmm.
Zebulon:
Hmm.
Effie:
That’s not a bad inclination, Fiona, but perhaps the wrong tool for the job.
Zebulon:
Yes. Sometimes a friend’s voice can be like an old hat: necessary, yet you hardly notice it anymore.
Effie:
Pardon me there, Philip?
Phil:
What’s up?
Effie:
I know we’ve just met, but you strike me as a man that’s easy to speak with.
Phil:
Thank you.
Zebulon:
At times, a man needs new voices in his head to shake up the mess. Could we trouble you to head upwards and check in our friend?
Phil:
That’s no problem.
Effie:
Now Philip, don’t let him get ornery with you. He is sometimes resistant to a pleasant conversation.
Phil:
I know the type. I’ll be up top.
Fiona:
Thanks, Phil.
Effie:
Mr. Voon, how goes your investigation?
Voon:
I am confounded.
Effie:
Well, how do you like that?
Voon:
Em has scanned the receiver in all ways possible and I have detected no complex technology.
Effie:
We remain a mystery, dear.
Zebulon:
Keeps things interesting- Op! Found the waffle iron, dear.
Effie:
How did it make its way from the kitchen?
Zebulon:
Curiosity, perhaps?
Voon:
To clarify: you are currently speaking to me from what you perceive to be your home?
Effie:
Well I certainly hope it is. Otherwise I’m doing housework for somebody else.
Voon:
And you understand your home to be within this receiver?
Effie:
It’s what we’re speaking out of, but I can’t imagine how we’d fit a whole house inside it, Mr. Voon.
Zebulon:
Would be an easier house to clean, though.
Voon:
I... I am unsure how to proceed.
Zebulon:
Don’t let that dissuade you, Mr. Voon. I’m sure you’ll find a way forward somehow.
Effie:
Let’s read Mr. Voon a little something, dear. I just found old Hildegard’s book under the dresser.
Zebulon:
Haven’t seen that one in an age.
Effie:
Let’s find a good one. Here we are: “Glance at the sun. See the moon and the stars. Gaze at the beauty of the Earth's greenings... Now, think.” How’s that help you?
Voon:
That does not help me at all.
We move to the roof. The lift activates, carrying phil.
Phil:
Coming up.
Phil rolls out onto the roof.
Caspar:
That’s way better than the rusty ladder we used to use.
Phil:
Seeing anything?
Caspar:
No.
Phil:
Sun’s going down soon. Won’t be much to see after that.
Caspar:
... I’m not really looking for anything.
Phil:
... Trying not to be that guy, huh?
Caspar:
What do you mean?
Phil:
People are happy to see each other down there. You’re trying not to ruin it for them.
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Phil:
... You know, before I was in this chair I was a test pilot for the air force.
Caspar:
Oh yeah?
Phil:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Anything cool?
Phil:
The Harrier was pretty cool.
Caspar:
Is that the one that did the vertical takeoff?
Phil:
Yeah. It was cool but, turns out I like taking off. And when you do it vertically you feel more like a helicopter. And I fucking hate helicopters.
Caspar:
Yeah, helicopters have never seemed like a good idea to me.
Phil:
They shouldn’t fly. It’s against God’s plan.
Caspar:
Right.
Phil:
... And then before all that, I flew A-4s in the South China Sea.
Caspar:
When did they pick you up?
Phil:
1981.
Caspar:
... Oh.
Phil:
So if you want to talk about losing people, I can do that all night.
Caspar:
... I’m a little different from the people downstairs.
Phil:
How so?
Caspar:
... Let me guess, you found this place and thought it sounded like an amazing adventure?
Phil:
Something like that.
Caspar:
I walked in to use the phone and it just grabbed me... I didn’t choose any of this.
Phil:
How’s that make you different?
Caspar:
... I don’t know.
Phil:
You didn’t sign up for it.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Phil:
So when you lose somebody, it’s just another thing happening to you.
Caspar:
I guess so.
Phil:
I imagine this whole time other people have felt like they’re doing something, and you’ve been feeling like something’s just happening to you.
Caspar:
For sure.
Phil:
... Well, that’s fucked up, man.
Caspar:
Right? It is.
Phil:
It’s real fucked up.
Caspar:
... Did they send you up here to turn me around or something?
Phil:
They may have, but that’s not what I’m trying to do. I came up here to say: You’re situation’s real fucked up. Like, you got abducted and have been trying to make a life out of it.
Caspar:
That’s literally it.
Phil:
And that’s fucked up.
Caspar:
Thank you.
Phil:
I will say this, though... I was in a coma for nine months after my accident.
Caspar:
Jesus.
Phil:
When I came to, my co-pilot was sitting right there. He said to me that he’d been right at my side the whole time. He’d wake up in the morning, head to the hospital, and sit there, waiting for me to wake up... I said to him, “What’d you do that for? You should be flying.”... What do you think she’d want you to be doing right now?
We begin to hear vehicles approaching on the road.
Caspar:
We’ve got company.
The cars pull over to the side of the road opposite the diner.
Phil:
Oh... This’ll be cool.
Caspar:
What?
Phil:
Hey, Fiona.
Fiona:
(In earpiece.) Yeah?
Phil:
Tuaregs.
Fiona:
Oh yeah?
Phil:
Looks like it.
Fiona:
Awesome.
Caspar:
What’s up?
Phil:
Nomadic types. They live in this part of the world. They set up camp and play music all night.
Caspar:
Oh, okay.
Phil:
It’s going to be a nice night, man. Come on down.
Downstairs fiona is filling up a pitcher of water.
Fiona:
... So there are these little bands of people and they roam all over the desert. It’s really cool. Voon, come here.
Gloria:
Do they want to come in?
Fiona:
They camp outside all night.
Voon:
Do I need to wear the head covering?
Fiona:
Yeah, sit down. I’ve still got that scarf under the counter. The men wear this combo head-scarf-face-covering thing, it’s called a tagelmust. If I put this on Voon he doesn’t have to hide. As long as they don’t look too close he just looks like a really tall guy.
Gloria:
What can I do?
Fiona:
They pretty much take care of themselves. I’m going to bring them a pitcher of water, I’ll be right back.
Gloria:
Okay.
Fiona exits.
Zebulon:
Our young Fiona appears to have made herself quite a home here.
Effie:
She’ll strike you as a bit skittish but she’s got some brass rivets on her, doesn’t she?
David:
Hey, Gloria. Do you guys ever cook outside?
Gloria:
We have, but it’s been a while.
David:
I was just thinking, some kind of activity might be a good idea.
Gloria:
I think that’s a great idea.
Phil and caspar enter from the back door.
Phil:
What’s going on?
Gloria:
We’re going to cook outside tonight.
Caspar:
Cook outside?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Caspar:
There’s a whole kitchen right there.
Gloria:
I know, but it’s inside. It’s going to be a nice night, maybe we could use the fresh air.
Caspar:
I don’t know, what about bugs?
Gloria:
We’re cooking outside is what we’re doing.
Caspar:
Okay. Fine.
Gloria:
Phil, is that okay with you?
Phil:
It’s alright with us. Fiona’s got 36 different kinds of grilled cheese sandwiches at this point, and we’ve had them all.
Caspar:
We’re in the desert. What are we going to burn for the fire?
Voon:
I believe I have a solution for that problem.
Zebulon:
Well, I know I for one am going to need a break from all the mess over here.
Effie:
I as well. My next step is beating out this rug of ours and I am not looking forward to it.
Gloria:
I think that’s great. A break really sounds nice.
Caspar:
It’s not a break. We’re not on a break— this isn’t a vacation, for fuck’s sake.
Gloria:
...
Caspar:
Sorry... Do whatever you need to do, okay?
Later that night. Out in the parking lot gloria is cooking on a grill and chairs have been set up. Across the road the TUAREGS are playing music. Zebulon reads from saint augustine of hippo.
Zebulon:
“Some people, in order to discover the divine, read books. But there is a greater book: the great world spun all around you. Look above you! Look below you! It is the greatest story. What you seek in books lay within pages not writ with ink. A story written with the world itself. Who can ask for a finer work than that?”
Fiona:
What are you reading from, Zebulon?
Zebulon:
Well, Fiona, I thought I’d take advantage of the great reorganization here at the house to dip into some work I’ve not seen in a cow’s age. Saint Augustine of Hippo, born right here in this part of the world, long ago when Rome spanned from ocean to ocean.
Effie:
I’ve been doing the same, but mine’s from a man by the name of Khaldun. “The purpose of this life is not simply worldly delights. This entire world is trifling and futile and can strive toward death and annihilation. The purpose of this life is our soul’s nourishment, leading to happiness in the great beyond.”... I took a liberty or two there.
Zebulon:
I celebrate your interpretation, dear.
Voon:
The first author, he wishes to portray the world as a message. A message from a deity unto it’s disciples?
Zebulon:
He does, Mr. Voon.
Voon:
But the message is not explicit.
Effie:
Thank you very much for saying so, Mr. Voon. It is not. Our lord chooses to obscure the message, which I have remarked time and again is a poorly way to deliver a message.
Voon:
Theology then, for you, is a struggle between interpretations?
Zebulon:
Indeed, Mr. Voon. Lots of folks out there saying they found it, and a whole lot of other folks saying they haven’t.
Voon:
And how does that come to its ultimate resolution?
Zebulon:
That, Mr. Voon is the theologian’s journey. All of us trying to clear away the haze over the message to us all.
Voon:
And this message that your deity delivers to you through the creation of the world— what do you believe this message to be?
Zebulon:
A simple one, Mr. Voon: You are loved.
Effie:
And how is it with you, Mr. Voon? How do y’all discern the great mysteries in your neck of the woods?
Voon:
The Urts do not have a higher deity that we commune with, rather our spiritual life is developed within community. In our oldest language, the word “ Urt” means “Lost,” or rather, “Lost Ones.” We speak of a time eons ago when when we wandered and dwelt in confusion. It was only in each other we were able to find meaning and purpose.
Effie:
Well, that certainly speaks to your comportment, Mr. Voon. You may be the most polite creature we’ve ever happened upon.
Voon:
Thank you. I have enjoyed your politeness as well, and how seamlessly it is infused with a certain frankness. One might find those two things at odds.
Effie:
That’s just called being from Arkansas.
Fiona:
... Anyway, it was really rough for a while. Luckily Phil and Voon got me through it. But damn, I was fucked up for a while. And it’s not like we were married or something, it was just a couple of years.
David:
Yeah, but a couple of years equals ten years in a lesbian relationship.
Fiona:
Right?
David:
At two years you guys have got a mortgage. You’ve got a booth at the farmer’s market.
Fiona:
Five rescue dogs.
David:
At least... First one’s always the toughest. Next time, you’ll be worldly and wizened.
Fiona:
Next time. How do I pull that off? I have kind of a demanding work schedule.
David:
You’ll figure it out.
Fiona:
What about you? I mean I know you’ve been at war and everything, but at least you’ve been staying in the same place.
David:
Oh, I’ve been doing very well.
Fiona:
Of course you have.
David:
You know how they say there’s no atheists in foxholes?
Fiona:
Yeah.
David:
No straight people either.
Fiona:
Wow... I’m kind of excited to go to war now.
David:
Right?
Phil:
Hey, Fiona.
Fiona:
Yeah.
Phil:
Caspar’s just hanging out up on the road. Why don’t you go talk to him.
Fiona:
Me?
Phil:
Yeah. Trust me.
Fiona:
Should I?
David:
I’ve been talking to him and it hasn’t helped. Might as well give it a shot.
Fiona:
I don’t really know him that well.
Phil:
Fiona, trust me.
Fiona:
Okay... Okay, I’ll go talk to him.
Fiona walks toward caspar.
Phil:
... If you talked to him, he would just try and hold it together, you know?
David:
I get it.
Phil:
Alright. Food’s almost ready.
Phil heads back to the grill.
Phil:
I’m not sure how much our talk on the roof helped, so I sent in Fiona. We’ll see if she does any better.
Gloria:
He’s a tough nut to crack but he’s not uncrackable.
Phil:
All in a days work.
Gloria:
So, Phil... You had one look at Voon and thought “This is the place for me,” huh?
Phil:
It took a little more investigation than that, but not much.
Gloria:
You were ready to jump, huh?
Phil:
I had gotten a job offer.
Gloria:
What’d that have to do with anything?
Phil:
I got an offer to join the sales team at Sears... Selling washing machines.
Gloria:
Well that sounds... That sounds exactly how it sounds.
Phil:
Another pilot friend of mine, Marc Scott, he left after two tours, honorable discharge. He went off to sell Chevys in Ft. Lauderdale. Happy as a clam... Nothing wrong with selling washing machines— people need washing machines... There are some things that cut you off from the world, know what I mean?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Phil:
I’m rolling down the street, watching people go to and from work, and I’m just like...
Gloria:
Where is everybody going?
Phil:
Where are they going, Gloria?
Gloria:
I don’t know.
Phil:
So, I was just kind of wandering around. I decided to hit up a VA...
Gloria:
But you stopped by a diner first.
Phil:
I did.
Gloria:
Any regrets?
Phil:
No. You?
Gloria:
Not really. I’ve got a great Scottish boyfriend out there somewhere, but still... I like it out here.
Caspar is up on the road watching a storm that is miles off. Fiona approaches.
Fiona:
Hey.
Caspar:
Hey, Fiona.
Fiona:
Food will be ready soon.
Caspar:
Okay.
Fiona:
... What are you looking at?
Caspar:
Fiona, I really don’t need people to keep checking up on me.
Fiona:
Well, I don’t need a second coffee in the morning, but guess what always happens?
Caspar:
...
Fiona:
What are you looking at?
Caspar:
There’s a storm, but I think it’s moving past us. Can be kind of dangerous in the desert.
Fiona:
... Wow that lightning is crazy.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Fiona:
...
Caspar:
...
Something happens in the sky above the storm.
Fiona:
Whoa!
Caspar:
Wow.
Fiona:
What the fuck was that?
Caspar:
Damn.
Fiona:
It was red.
Caspar:
It’s a... uh... Shit, I can’t remember the name. It’s like lighting but in the upper atmosphere so it looks red.
Fiona:
That was crazy.
Caspar:
It’s really rare... I haven’t seen one of those since I was a kid.
Fiona:
It looked like aliens were attacking, but only for a half a second.
Caspar:
Weird, right?
Fiona:
And that’s really rare?
Caspar:
Really rare. You might not see one ever again.
Fiona:
You saw one when you were a kid?
Caspar:
Yeah, I was...
Caspar laughs.
Fiona:
What?
Caspar:
You’ve seen Close Encounters right?
Fiona:
No.
Caspar:
Fiona, what are you doing with your life? You haven’t seen Close Encounters?
Fiona:
Running from actual aliens?
Caspar:
Okay. Well there’s this scene where a little kid gets abducted by aliens. Right out of his house. So, if you’re a little kid and you see that scene, you’re like “Fuck me, I’m going to get sucked up into the sky at any moment.”
Fiona:
And then one day you see red lightning shooting out of a storm front.
Caspar:
I slept under the bed, Fiona. Under it.
Fiona:
Oh, no.
Caspar:
For a week.
Fiona:
Oh god, for a week?
Caspar:
One of my moms literally dragged me to a community college and tracked down a meteorologist and was like, “Tell him he didn’t see aliens.” So, the very confused meteorologist explained to me what it was and that I was actually very lucky because of how rare it was, and I was like “Fuck you, weather guy. I don’t feel lucky.”
Fiona:
... So, as a child you had an intense fear of being abducted.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Fiona:
And then...
Caspar:
I know. Poetic, right?
Fiona:
... You had two moms?
Caspar:
Yeah, I did.
Fiona:
That makes sense.
Caspar:
I get that a lot.
Fiona:
... You know, you guys literally kidnapped me.
Caspar:
What?
Fiona:
I’m standing there, I’m working in a coffee shop, then I suddenly wake up in your walk-in. Then I escape your walk-in to find I’m on another planet.
Caspar:
... Yeah, I imagine that was pretty rough.
Fiona:
And then an alien ship landed and three aliens got out and one of them performed brain surgery on me in your parking lot.
Caspar:
... You know when you put it all together in one sentence like that-
Fiona:
There were times when I felt a little different from Phil and Voon, because they were able to stand there and say, “Yes. Traveling diner. I choose this.” It’s all just been happening to me... So, maybe don’t feel so alone around me, okay?
Caspar:
... Okay... Sorry we kidnapped you.
Fiona:
It’s okay... My life was in danger.
Caspar:
... Mine was to.
Fiona:
... Hey, do we have a customer?
Caspar:
What?
A backpacker is walking down the road toward the diner.
Caspar:
Is she backpacking through the desert at night?
Fiona:
Maybe it’s cooler?
The backpacker emerges from the darkness. She looks and sounds exactly like Ex, but she’s human.
Ree:
Oh, thank god. Hey are they open?
Caspar:
... What?
Ree:
Are they open?
Caspar:
... Yeah.
Ree:
Amazing.
She walks past them towards the diner.
Caspar:
What the fuck?
Fiona:
Was that...
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Fiona and caspar walk towards the diner.
Fiona:
Why does she look human now?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
They’ve reached the diner. everybody is stunned.
Gloria:
I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
Ree:
I’ve been walking for a long time and I really would love an actual restroom with plumbing and everything. I promise I’ll buy something but could I use your restroom first?
Gloria:
... Sure.
Ree:
Thanks.
Ree walks into the diner.
Gloria:
Caspar?
Caspar:
I’m not seeing things right?
Effie:
That was the darndest thing.
David:
That was her.
Zebulon:
But appeared to be made of flesh and blood.
Phil:
What the hell’s happening?
Fiona:
Voon?
Voon:
The only technology detected is a cellular telephonic device and a receiver for global positioning data.
Gloria:
What the hell is going on?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Gloria:
She didn’t recognize any of us.
David:
Something’s going on.
Fiona:
Something’s definitely going on, but what the hell is going on?
Effie:
Alright, y’all. Something is afoot in this here parking lot, so let’s get ourselves a plan.
Zebulon:
I’ll offer this. Back when Effie and I ran a church, from time to time we’d have a wayward soul passing through— a complete stranger to us all. Effie and I found the best approach to a wondering soul is to not make a fuss and stare. We’ve got ourselves a nice gathering here. We’ll invite the mystery in and then set ourselves to the task of solving it.
Effie:
First off, we’ll need someone who’s finely adept at minding someone else’s business.
Gloria:
David.
Fiona:
That’s David.
David:
Oh, I will get all up in her business.
Effie:
You are duly elected. Y’all make like it’s a party and David will get to nosing around.
Zebulon:
Here she comes, y’all. As you were.
Ree exits the diner.
Phil:
-So then I said to him, “My friend the Rhino says, ‘Be Nice!’”
Everyone fake laughs.
Fiona:
Phil, I love that story that you always tell.
David:
Hey, there.
Ree:
Hi.
David:
I’m David. Come have a seat, are you hungry?
Ree:
I am actually desperate for anything that’s not a Clif bar.
David:
You’ve come to the right place.
Ree:
Judging by my surroundings, I’ve come to the only place.
David:
Which makes it the right one. What’s your name?
Ree:
I’m Ree.
David:
Love your name. This is Gloria, Phil, Fiona, the tall guy is Voon.
Voon:
Greetings.
David:
And that’s Caspar.
Caspar:
Hi.
Ree:
Hey, everyone. This is a wild location for a diner.
David:
People look at us a little weird but they’re always grateful they found us. Where are you headed?
Ree:
China.
David:
... China.
Ree:
Yes. I’ve gotten that look a lot.
David:
Last I checked, we’re in Algeria.
Ree:
We are.
David:
Voon, how far is Algeria from China?
Voon:
Roughly eleven thousand kilometers.
David:
Eleven thousand kilometers, Ree. That’s as the crow flies?
Voon:
The crow?
Fiona:
Yes.
David:
That’s as the crow flies, Ree.
Ree:
I know.
David:
You’re not a crow so that’s going to be even farther.
Ree:
It’s going to be quite a trip. I started in Tangier, I’m going over to Egypt, up into Iraq, through a bunch of countries ending in - stan, then down through India, Sri Lanka, then over to China.
David:
Oh my God. On foot?
Ree:
I’m sure I’ll have to grab a boat or a train from time to time, but yeah. On foot.
David:
Well, that sounds fucking insane, Ree.
Ree:
I know. It does. It really does.
David:
What possesses someone to do that?
Ree:
I don’t know.
David:
Bad break up? Did you read that book “Wild” and then buy some hiking boots?
Ree:
No, nothing like that... Did you ever feel like you were spread out too thin? Like you needed to gather yourself back up again?
David:
Yeah, sure. You know what I do when I feel that way? Go to the beach for the day.
Ree:
Yeah, it’s a little crazy. But I’ve traveled around my whole life anyway, I’m kind of used to it.
David:
Where are you from?
Ree:
Tyler, Texas.
David:
Really? You don’t have an accent.
Ree:
Yeah, that’s the funny thing about Texas. Some people can’t help it and then for other people it’s kind of a choice. George W. Bush was the only guy in that family with a Texas accent, you know what I mean?
David:
Got it.
Ree:
So, who works here and who’s a customer?
David:
We all work here. It’s a slow night. It’s lucky you came along. We would’ve gone out of business.
Effie:
Psst... Caspar.
Caspar:
What?
Effie:
You’re putting too much salt in the soup base there, Caspar.
Caspar:
I’m what?
Zebulon:
Caspar, don’t take offense, but we’re all playing a fine game of cards here and you’re showing your hand a bit.
Caspar:
Can you two say something plainly for once, please?
Effie:
We always speak as plainly as we can, Caspar. You think I’m speaking igpay atinlay?
Zebulon:
My friend, you’ve got a look of concern on your face that runs a bit contrary to the moment.
Caspar:
The look of concern is because I’m concerned.
Effie:
And you’re running the risk of scaring off the grouse before we can get our sights set on it, Caspar.
Caspar:
What do you want me to do?
Zebulon:
Caspar, Effie and myself are no good out here either. Perhaps we should excise ourselves from the situation, let others do the good work.
Effie:
The others are perfectly capable of sussing out the situation, Caspar. Let’s adjourn to the dining room and let the chips fall where they may.
Zebulon:
Some things can’t be done by forcing them, Caspar.
Caspar:
Fine... Hey guys, I’m going to go inside and see if I can fix the radio, okay?
Gloria:
Fix the radio? Right, fix the radio. Okay, Caspar.
Caspar picks up the radio and walks inside the diner.
Caspar:
There. Happy?
Effie:
It’s for the best, Caspar. Let’s let the oddness of the situation breathe for a bit.
Caspar:
Okay... I’m sorry.
Zebulon:
You’ve nothing to apologize for.
Caspar:
... If there’s anyone I shouldn’t be worried about it’s her, I guess, but... It just hit harder than I expected. I didn’t mean to screw anything up.
Effie:
Caspar, we’re not going to sit here and let you beat yourself up.
Zebulon:
As you know, that’s Effie’s job.
Effie:
Don’t take my work away from me, Caspar. I’m too good at it.
Caspar:
Okay, sure... It was just her and me for a while, back when I got separated from the diner... We were wandering around looking for you guys. And the entire time she kept asking me questions about how to be human, and how things worked, and why things were important... I would open my mouth and things would just come out— things that surprised me. Turns out I had feelings about things. I had thoughts about things... I had things to say and I didn’t know it. I guess nobody ever asked.
Zebulon:
Again, that’s not unlike our congregation back home. You sit a man down, you ask him how he feels... Sometimes a whole world emerges when you ask that. All those thoughts they’ve kept to themselves come flooding out like a river in a rainstorm.
Caspar:
There was a lot I didn’t know about myself until she came along. I don’t know, uh... The thought of her not being around...
Effie:
Caspar, you’re slow to make friends. Always have been. In fact you only seem to make them when they’re forced on you... Because of that, it just scares the bejesus out of you to imagine them being gone. It took a miracle to get them into your heart to begin with.
Zebulon:
But, speaking of miracles, let’s make room for one presently, shall we? There she stands, in some form, right outside. Let’s let the good work commence.
Peter walks by pushing a mop and bucket.
Caspar:
Goddamn, they’ve got Peter doing the mopping?
Effie:
These children are too soft.
Outside the diner, ree talks with fiona.
Ree:
So, what a weird job you have.
Fiona:
You have no idea.
Ree:
How’d you end up out here?
Fiona:
Uh... right... Well... I... went through a bad break-up and... Y’know, just had to get out of my life, so I wound up here.
Ree:
That’s so crazy. Me too.
Fiona:
Really?
Ree:
Yeah. It was bad. I’m still kind of messed up over it... Her name was Kathryn, we met in Manchester. We were together for two years but then she just kind of freaked out, you know? After two years just walked out the door.
Fiona:
... Kathryn?
Ree:
She used to say stuff like “You blossom in the winter time. Like a camellia.” How do you say that about someone and then just leave?
Fiona:
...Yeah...
Ree:
I saw there was a shower in the bathroom. Do you think they’d mind if I used it? It’s been a minute since I’ve had running water.
Fiona:
Uh... no, sure... Go ahead.
Ree:
Cool. I’ll be back in a bit.
Ree walks inside the diner.
Ree:
Fix it yet?
Caspar:
What’s that?
Ree:
The radio, did you fix it yet?
Caspar:
No not yet.
Ree:
You should just get a new one.
Caspar:
It’s one of a kind.
Ree:
Okay... Caspar’s a name you don’t hear a lot.
Caspar:
My name? Your name is Ree?
Ree:
I know. I had weird parents. It’s short for Rihla.
Caspar:
Rihla?
Ree:
Yeah. It’s even spelled weird, too. R, I, H, L, A. Thanks, mom and dad.
Caspar:
... Yeah.
Ree:
Anyway, I’m going to go use your shower.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ree exits to the bathroom.
Caspar:
Goddamnit.
Gloria enters from the parking lot.
Gloria:
Hey.
Caspar:
Hey.
Gloria:
So, there’s definitely something weird going on and we need to get to the bottom of it. And I guess we should move fast. We’re not going to be in the Sahara forever.
Caspar:
... We’re not in the Sahara.
Gloria:
... What?
Later that night. Caspar stands in the parking lot and the rest of the group is across the street at the TUAREG camp. Ree exits the diner.
Ree:
Hey. Where is everybody?
Caspar:
They’re across the street. They wanted to say hi to the neighbors.
Ree:
Okay... Are they open all night, would it be weird if I stayed here until the morning?
Caspar:
... How long are we going to do this for, Ex?
Ree:
... What?
Caspar:
Phil is from Tyler, Texas. He has a theory that the Texas accent is actually optional and cites the fact that George W. Bush is the only one in the family that had a Texas accent.
Ree:
That’s... that’s what I say-
Caspar:
Before you arrived, I saw red lighting from the upper atmosphere hit a storm that was passing us. It was a crystal clear memory from when I was a kid... Some of them have been here before. A fond memory of being in the Sahara desert with Tuaregs playing music across the street.
Ree:
I don’t know what’s happening.
Caspar:
Fiona went through a really bad break up with a girl named Kathryn that she met in Manchester... Kathryn said she blossomed in the winter time like a Camellia.
Ree:
...
Caspar:
And I can talk to you all day about a guy named Ibn Battuta who traveled on foot from Tangier to Egypt, up into Iraq, and over to China. It took him thirty years. When he finally returned home he dictated all of his travels to a scholar. The book of his travels is called The Rihla. R, I, H, L, A... I’m not waiting thirty years for you.
Ree:
... What’s happening?
Caspar:
We’re in your head, Ex. You created a little world made of of bits and pieces of our memories. You were coming apart and you reached out and put all of us in your mind. You needed an anchor, you needed real things so that you didn’t forget who you were... I know who you are... Look inside my head, you’ll find yourself there.
Ree:
... Caspar.
Caspar:
Hey.
Ree transforms into ex.
Ex:
... There I am.
Caspar:
You okay?
Ex:
That was rough.
Caspar:
What happened?
Ex:
I thought there was a chance that the beam would destroy the cube, so I tried to stop it myself. If it took me out, you guys might still have a chance of surviving.
Caspar:
How did you stop it?
Ex:
I figured I couldn’t stop it by myself so, for about three milliseconds... there was one hundred of me.
Caspar:
One hundred?
Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
How did you do that?
Ex:
I don’t know, but I shouldn’t do it again. It made me forget who I was and stranded us in the Sahara desert in my head.
Caspar:
Yeah, don’t do that again.
Ex:
I won’t.
Caspar:
Ex. Seriously. Never do that again.
Ex:
I won’t, Caspar.
Caspar:
Okay... I’m glad you can read my mind so I never have to tell you how much you mean to me.
Ex:
Aw. Do you want to do it anyway?
Caspar:
Absolutely not... Can you get rid of all the desert shit, please?
Ex:
Sure.
The desert disappears and is replaced by a desolate planet. Everyone else calls from across the street.
Gloria:
Ex!
David:
There she is.
Ex:
Hey, guys.
Fiona:
That was crazy.
Voon:
Fascinating.
Effie:
We were a little bit worried about you there, darlin’.
Ex:
I’m okay.
Zebulon:
It was a lovely desert.
Ex:
Thank you.
David:
Caspar was pretty worried.
Ex:
You all were. I was in your heads, remember?
Fiona:
There’s the cube.
David:
Does it still work?
Caspar:
It still works. It never got hit, it was all Ex.
Gloria:
Ex, are you okay?
Ex:
It sucked. I think I’ll just let them get killed next time.
Gloria:
Good idea.
Phil:
So, how long have we actually been here?
Ex:
You’ve been here a while, actually. You’re probably going to jump soon.
Gloria:
Shit, okay. Okay, everybody listen. We’re going to jump soon and I’m assuming when we do, the diner is going to take us where the action is... I really don’t know what to expect.
Phil:
How is that different from any other day?
David:
Are you ready to get back in the cube?
Ex:
I’m ready, let’s do this.
Caspar:
Okay. We’ll go in the boom cube... I guess we’ll see you guys on the battle field or something?
Fiona:
It’d be kind of hilarious if we went to Wyoming.
Caspar:
Wyoming sounds nice.
Ex:
Let’s go. I’m mad.
Caspar:
Okay... Good luck, guys.
Zebulon:
Wait, everyone. Before you go...
Caspar:
Zebulon.
Zebulon:
A prayer.
A few people groan.
Effie:
Excuse me. A prayer.
Caspar:
... Fine.
Zebulon:
Lord, we go to battle, and for that we ask your forgiveness. For, in truth, every battle is a failure, for we failed to see each other as you see us. We failed to see the great commonality bestowed upon us all. So grant us your forgiveness, oh Lord. And as with every battle, please let it be the last one. May conflict and strife become a distant memory that our children never know.
Caspar:
And readyyyyyyyy, break. Okay, let’s go kick some ass.
Gloria:
Good luck... Caspar, hang back a second, okay.
Caspar:
Okay. (to David and Ex) I’m right behind you... What’s up?
Gloria:
Hi.
Caspar:
Hi.
Gloria:
I really wanted to cook outside tonight.
Caspar:
Yes. Sorry about that, we were trapped in Ex’s brain.
Gloria:
And now we’re going into battle apparently.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Which is pretty ridiculous.
Caspar:
I agree.
Gloria:
What are we doing?
Caspar:
I have no idea.
Gloria:
After all this is over, I really need the multiverse to chill the fuck out.
Caspar:
Agreed.
Gloria:
If I have to deal with one more fucking Space God.
Caspar:
They ruin everything, the space gods.
Gloria:
I’m a woman who makes tacos.
Caspar:
And I’m a man who makes nothing.
Gloria:
And I would just like to cook outside.
Caspar:
I say, when this is over, you never go inside again.
Gloria:
Great.
Caspar:
Great.
Gloria:
I just needed to say that out loud.
Caspar:
It’s well heard.
Gloria:
... I’m glad you’re okay.
Caspar:
I’m glad you’re okay.
Gloria:
Okay, get out of here.
Caspar:
Here I go.
Caspar runs off to the cube.
Gloria:
... Well, you three, I bet your lives were a lot simpler before we showed up at the door. I really am sorry about that.
Fiona:
Don’t worry about us Gloria.
The cube booms away.
Gloria:
Okay... Well... what now?
Far off, we hear three mystery men drop down to the planet.
Fiona:
... Shit.
Effie:
Looks like our nice day just got ruined.
Phil:
These assholes are relentless.
Fiona:
Let’s get inside, maybe we’ll jump away in time.
Gloria:
Wait... Voon, are you ready?
Voon:
I am, Gloria. A field test of the protocol would be beneficial.
Gloria:
Okay, what do you need?
Voon:
Fiona and Peter should stay with me. The rest should stay inside the diner.
Gloria:
Okay.
Fiona:
Peter.
Peter walks out of the diner while everyone else walks in.
Fiona:
What am I doing, Voon?
Voon:
I believe they are just over that ridge. We must lure them closer.
Fiona:
Okay. Peter: antagonize.
Peter:
Antagonize.
Peter runs off.
Voon:
Are you afraid, Fiona?
Fiona:
Yes. You?
Voon:
I am... But it is irrelevant.
Fiona:
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Over the ridge we hear a few shots of Peter’s laser, a bit of chaos, and then peter running back to the diner parking lot.
Fiona:
Good job, Peter.
The three mystery men drop directly into the parking lot.
Voon:
Deploy tactical dome.
Voon’s virtual dome covers the parking lot.
Mystery Man:
Your weapons are useless against us.
Voon:
... Proceed, then.
The mystery men all pull their triggers and nothing happens. They pull them again and again.
Mystery Man:
What did you do?
Fiona:
Peter: disarm.
Peter:
Disarm.
Peter shoots three times and they all drop their weapons to the ground.
Voon:
It is your weapons that are useless.
The end