This is BertBert broadcasting on The Undersignal. I am… safe. It’s hard to describe to you where I’ve been these past few cycles. At this point I don’t even know how long I’ve been gone. I promise a full explanation just as soon as, well, as soon as I have one myself… I’ve returned to the world both encouraged and frightened by recent events. I now count nine systems in open revolt against the Ted Empire, and while I feel this is long overdue, I do worry for the people of The Triad and I’m deeply concerned for how The Teds will respond to the first challenge to their authority in recent memory. More on that soon.I feel the more pressing issue is this: I am currently on a ship headed for the outer rim of Triangulum, to what I believe is a secret experiment being conducted by The Teds involving Time Crystals. For those of you who don’t remember, a generation ago the people of Vapus10 were conducting very ill-advised experiments with Time Crystals. They were warned repeatedly by the scientific community that these experiments were dangerous but the warnings fell on deaf ears and the entire Vapus system was obliterated by what was the first artificially created black hole. I don’t yet know what The Teds’ intentions are with this very dangerous experiment but whatever it is, it can’t be a benevolent one… and I’m headed right toward it. I’ll have more to report soon, but for the time being if you are traveling anywhere near Triangulum’s outer rim, change your flight plan. Right now. This is BertBert, broadcasting on The Undersignal.

Oh, hi.

Can’t sleep?

Feel like I’ve had plenty. You?

I abandoned my circadian rhythms a long time ago.

Right, I remember. So, the girl… Ex? She’s back there pretending to sleep? She said she’s working on it?

Yeah, she’s a hoot, isn’t she?

Where is she from?

She’s an android.

I’ve never seen one that lifelike before.

She’s not lifelike, she’s alive.

I thought sentient androids were a myth.

Me too.

Where’d you pick her up?

She came with Caspar. They have an interesting history together.

… I remember this feeling. Never knowing where to start with the explanations.

It’s been a pretty inexplicable life, Berts.

… How much time do we have?

About 12 more hours.

…So if you’re from the future does that mean you know how this all plays out?

Afraid it doesn’t work like that. Would be a simpler life if it did. In my world The Teds never built whatever this contraption is that we’re headed towards.

What’s the point of time travel if you don’t know what’s going to happen?

It hasn’t been half bad. Got to check a few things off the list that I never got around to. Remember Menlor?

Oh Jesus, the robot cowboys?

They were real. I told you. I believe you owe me some credits on that one.

I’m a little strapped for cash at the moment.

Also, I got to this timeline and I saw Leif hadn’t busted you out yet. Thought I’d help him out, bat a little clean up.

Your ability to get me into trouble was always perfectly balanced by your ability to get me out of it.

You got me out of plenty of trouble.

Not enough. Fucking pirate.

I know. You couldn’t have stopped me. At that point, they way things were going in The Triad… yo ho, yo ho, the pirate’s life for me.

… I can’t ever forgive you for working for Låfftrax, Leif.

I wasn’t asking you to. If you did, you wouldn’t be you… you call your folks?

Not yet.

They’re going to be worried.

I probably shouldn’t tell them I’m okay until I know that I am. I don’t know what we’re headed for right now, I should probably wait until we all make it through this.

Fair enough. Tell them I said hi.

… it was so infuriating how much they liked you.

I know. I can’t help it, I’m likeable.

What was that horrible music you played for my dad?

The Stooges.

It was terrible. He played it so much after that.

C’mon. It’s not that bad. It’s the music of being pissed off and not know where to go with it all.

That doesn’t describe my dad at all.

We’ve all got a little bit of that in us. Everybody’s at least 1% punk rock.

… It’s so weird talking to you. It’s like I’m talking to you but not really talking to you.

I imagine it’ll be satisfying and disappointing all at the same time.

… She got into my head, that android of yours.

Yeah, she does that.

She said she transformed into my most significant ex.

She does that too. It sucks. Let me guess. She turned into Evon.

Oh fuck you. No.

Well that’s the only one I remember of the long string of Little Lord Fauntleroys that you entertained.

She transformed into you, Leif.

… Really.

Yes. Thing is, we were never in a relationship… not in my world anyway… were we in yours?

No.

Well then why did she do that?

… Sometimes a thing is a thing without you calling it something. I met your parents, that makes it a thing a little bit.

I met your parents.

Oh shit, you did?

Yeah. You didn’t take me to meet your parents?

No, did he?

Yeah, for that holiday. With the big bird.

I took you home for Thanksgiving?

Yeah. What?

That’s a big move.

It is?

Yeah. Bringing a girl home for Thanksgiving, that’s huge.

He didn’t tell me that.

Oh you thought it was some random holiday. Like Flag Day or something.

Why do you have a day for flags?

He snuck one in on you. Did something serious without telling you it was serious.

He was so casual about it. “Yeah no big deal, we just eat a big bird” and have something called a casserole?

He probably got a kick out of you not knowing.

You’re both assholes.

It’s true. What? You taking me to meet your parents, that wasn’t a big move?

It wasn’t exactly on purpose, if you recall.

Right.

You were on the run for pirating an ice hauler.

You know, technically I wasn’t a pirate back then I was just a criminal.

Thank you for making that distinction.

A subtle difference but an important one.

You really think-… what am I doing? You weren’t there, you’re not him, you’re a stand in.

Go ahead, get your frustrations out.

You’re a punching bag in the shape of Leif.

Hey, Berts. You’re not wrong. We could be sailing into certain doom. If you’ve got something to get off your chest, now’s the time.

… I don’t know. I don’t even know what to say, with you suddenly here I’m like the dog that caught the car, but also, it’s the wrong car.

…

…

What was I like in your timeline? How was I different? I didn’t cut bangs did I? I was always tempted but always felt like it was a mistake.

…

What?

I never saved you, Berts. In my timeline you’re still a prisoner of The Teds. I tried and I tried. Turns out what was missing from the equation was an indestructible android and a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles.

I was on your bucket list?

That’s right. You were the last item on the list. Not sure what to do with myself now. Zebulon used to call it “the agony of everything completed”… You want to know what was different about you? Nothing. I’ve been to a lot of different versions of this universe… you’re always the best part in it.

… People shouldn’t have to get to your age to be this honest, Leif.

That’s true. Better late than never.

…

…

I may be more scared of making it through all this than I am of dying.

Why’s that?

Because then what? The Triad’s a mess, people may think I’m a traitor, and if they don’t I’m going to be hunted by The Teds for the rest of my life.

All that’s probably true.

Great.

I have every confidence that you can find a way out of it. And if you can’t, I’m sure there’s some Leif from some timeline somewhere who’ll be willing to get you out of it.

I’m not going to lean too hard on that if that’s alright with you, Leif.

Alright… just remember what I told you about the heart of the Milky Way.

The what?

The heart of the Milky Way.

You’ve never told me anything about the heart of the Milky Way.

You’re kidding me.

I am not.

Goddamn. Your Leif is really falling down on the job, you know that?

What is the heart of the Milky Way?

C’mere.

At the center of the Milky Way is a supermassive black hole. But that’s not it’s heart. This is its heart…

What is that?

A few million years ago a star died. And when it died it left behind a gift for us all: Vela. A Pulsar. It sends out a magnetic pulse into the cosmos more reliable than anything I’ve ever seen. It’s so reliable that you can use it to navigate. So whenever I get lost in the stars, I set my scanners to magnetic and I listen close. She’s always there, leading me wherever I want to go. Vela’s no different from you or me. Just a beating heart sending out a signal to anyone who’ll hear it. You’re never lost as long as she’s there. The Milky Way has a heart, Berts. It beats for you…