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MIDNIGHT BURGER
Chapter 20: Do Not Go Quietly Unto Your Grave
Wind through treetops and alien birdsong.
Song:
Leif:
So… there’s this tradition… if you spend a lot of time in space, no matter how old you are, you always plan your funeral. Because space is dangerous. One fried circuit board, one crack in your fuselage and you’re dead. The problem with that is, if you’re someone who spends a lot of time in space you’re also an idiot. And you think you’re never going to die. So when you plan your funeral you do it as a fun joke. This has led to a very long tradition of hilariously shitty spaceman funerals. I happen to know how shitty this particular funeral is supposed to be… because it’s mine… While I want to keep up the tradition of incredibly bad funerals, I’m afraid I just don’t have the heart to do it. Leif didn’t die from a malfunctioning airlock or a leaky core. He died saving us. And I just can’t turn it into a punchline. So I’ve asked Effie and Zebulon to say a few words-
Caspar:
Hang on. I feel like I need to know how funny this was supposed to be.
Gloria:
Absolutely.
Caspar:
Was there a musical number?
The Ex:
Were you loaded into a canon?
Caspar:
Oooh. That’s a good one.
Ava:
A reading from the autobiography of Wade Boggs?
Gloria:
I feel like fireworks were involved, maybe a team of elephants.
Caspar:
These are all good ideas.
Leif:
I really don’t want to talk about it.
Bertbert:
Actually, it’s not even that funny.
Caspar:
Wait, BertBert knows? How come she gets to know?
Shel:
Are all funerals like this?
Ava:
No, but wouldn’t it be great?
Bertbert:
Just tell them the quote from the end.
Leif:
No.
Caspar:
That’s a good compromise, quote from the end.
Gloria:
Is it from Independence Day?
Ava:
Cannonball Run?
The Ex:
Tootsie?
Ava:
Cannonball Run II?
Caspar:
Shaft?
The Ex:
I could just read his mind.
Gloria:
You had to make it weird.
Leif:
Rutger Hauer’s speech from the end of Blade Runner, okay?
Caspar:
Oh, boooooooooo!
Gloria:
Get the fuck out of here.
Caspar:
Disrespectful!
Leif:
It was a cooler choice back then!
Ava:
Not really.
Effie:
Y’all.
Caspar:
… Sorry. Sorry, that’s on me.
Leif:
Like I said. Like a lot of things I did back then, it was a bad choice. So I’m making a good choice now. Mucklewain’s would you mind?
Effie:
Of course, Leif.
Zebulon:
I say to you now, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the transient inherit the eternal.Listen, and I will tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised eternal, and we will be changed.For the transient must adorn itself with eternity, and the mortal with immortality.When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
Effie:
In the land of my birth, there is a hill. And upon that hill is a rock where I have sat and watched a changing world. “This rock will not change” I would say. I’ll pass from this earth but the rock will remain, ever watchful of the land. But my feet kick the dirt beneath me. Were the granules of soil not once like this rock? Is the rock not a collection of their multitudes? Will the rock not return one day to the dirt? And is my path so different? Neither destroyed nor created, but a collection of dust meant to observe a changing world then return to dust. What am I meant to do with this time, Lord, when you have roused me from the dust to observe your creation? Is it only to observe? Perhaps to love. Perhaps to cherish. If it be so, then our dear friend, now returned to you, has fulfilled his purpose. May you accept him into your loving grace.
Caspar and Leif on the roof.
Caspar:
…Where are we right now?
Leif:
I don’t know. I don’t think it’s civilized. It’s nice though, a lot of trees. Reminds me of home.
Caspar:
…
Leif:
…
Caspar:
Where’s the wine from?
Leif:
Festen. We helped them out of jam, they were very appreciative.
Caspar:
Oh, this was during Gloria’s march to the sea?
Leif:
Yeah. Turns out she’s way better at running this place than we were.
Caspar:
We set the bar way low and she went way over it.
Leif:
…
Caspar:
…
Leif:
Sorry I didn’t tell you I was a criminal.
Caspar:
That’s okay… I used to work at the DMV.
Leif:
You did?
Caspar:
Oh yeah. I was a lifer. I had a pension.
Leif:
No offense but that explains a lot.
Caspar:
I know… I’m also 173 years old.
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
How?
Caspar:
Turns out Ava wasn’t kidding about that shifting point of null entropy business.
Leif:
How’d you find out?
Caspar:
Ex.
Leif:
How old am I?
Caspar:
Not nearly as old. Turns out I was here for a really long time before you showed up.
Leif:
You didn’t know it?
Caspar:
No. Turns out when you don’t feel the passage of time you don’t feel the passage of time.
Leif:
Damn.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
…
Caspar:
… So who is BertBert?
Leif:
Fuck…
Caspar:
Sorry.
Leif:
She was my first friend. The Teds dropped me off at Sirius A, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, and she walked right up to me. Introduced herself. Then I spent several years disappointing her. She has a HIGH standard for the company she keeps. I need to talk to her. It’s just always so complicated, you know what I mean?
Caspar:
Do I know what you mean? Remember how I told you about the android with godlike powers that was created by my ex wife from an alternate reality to confront me about leaving her?
Leif:
I still can’t believe that’s where she’s from.
Caspar:
It’s bananas.
Leif:
I like her though.
Caspar:
Me too. She’s a hoot.
Leif:
…
Caspar:
…
Leif:
I just attended my own funeral.
Caspar:
Yeah… yeah that’s a… spicy meatball.
Leif:
Feeling pretty strange about it.
Caspar:
Hey, at least you know how it went. Lot of people don’t get that.
Gloria:
(on the ground.) Hey.
Leif:
Hey, Gloria.
Gloria:
One of you come down here and help me.
Leif:
Here I come.
Caspar:
No, I’ll do it. Why don’t you go talk to BertBert.
Leif:
Okay.
Caspar:
You guys have covered for me in the kitchen long enough.
Leif:
Hey Caspar?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
I mean, if I’m talking to BertBert…
Caspar:
Yeah, I know. Look we went right into funeral planning mode, I haven’t had a chance. I will.
Leif:
Gloria doesn’t let shit go unsaid anymore.
Caspar:
I’ll talk to her.
Caspar and Gloria in the kitchen.
Caspar:
Okay so, hi.
Gloria:
Hi.
Caspar:
It is very well organized back here.
Gloria:
Thank you.
Caspar:
Did you ever catch the Parmesan?
Gloria:
Well, it was a beautiful moment, Caspar. The Parmesan teleports from place to place around the kitchen and I can never find it when I need it. So I decided to stop using Parmesan. And that, I think, is the secret to running a time traveling dimension spanning diner.
Caspar:
That’s very zen.
Gloria:
I made some changes to the menu.
Caspar:
There’s a menu?
Gloria:
There is now.
Caspar:
Ok.
Gloria:
Have you talked to her yet?
Caspar:
Not yet.
Gloria:
How long are you going to do that for?
Caspar:
I’m going to talk to her I haven’t had the chance yet.
Gloria:
Im going to hold you to that. Take that pan out of the oven.
Caspar:
The oven? Did I ever use the oven?
Gloria:
I don’t think so. The first time I tried to use it there was a book about Napoleon in there.
Caspar:
THATS where I put it. What are these?
Gloria:
Pan de Muerto.
Caspar:
They have little skulls on them.
Gloria:
It’s a Day of the Dead thing. Is that weird?
Caspar:
I think the skulls are a little foreboding but I think The Old Man would’ve loved it.
Gloria:
Okay. Put those on a tray.
Caspar:
Hey, speaking of Napoleon, how was your war?
Gloria:
So great. On the brink of death multiple times. How was your vacation?
Caspar:
Oh my God, the same.
Gloria:
Take those out to them.
Caspar:
Okay. Hey uh… I’m looking for a job.
Gloria:
Really? What kind of skills do you have?
Caspar:
As it turns out I don’t have any demonstrable skills, but I do have a real “can don’t” attitude.
Gloria:
Well, I’m looking at a lot of resumes right now, I’ll be making a decision soon.
Caspar:
Great. I promise I’ll let you down…
Kitchen fades.
Caspar:
Hey, you two. I have a plate of cookie type things here and I’m going to bring them outside.
Effie:
Well that sounds lovely, Caspar.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Zebulon:
…So then you should take them outside to the others.
Caspar:
Yes… So how have y’all been? I heard you turned into robots for a second.
Effie:
Yes we did, and then later on went in the other way entirely.
Caspar:
No idea what that means, but it sounds fun.
Zebulon:
You mentioned you met some cowboys.
Caspar:
Yeah. Sort of…
Effie:
Caspar you’re being ridiculous-
Zebulon:
Caspar you appear to be biding your time inside with us so as to avoid going outside.
Caspar:
Why would I want to do that? Also why wouldn’t I want to be in here with you?
Zebulon:
You are of course more than welcome to be here with us. We’ve missed you this long while.
Caspar:
And I’ve missed you guys.
Effie:
Are y’all having a playing dumb contest?
Caspar:
No, I don’t know what you mean.
Effie:
Caspar, just go talk to Ava.
Caspar:
I will. Not right now.
Effie:
Then can you at least deliver those confections that Gloria has made, they’re just sittin there.
Caspar:
Okay, fine. You’re both coming with me though.
Effie:
I’m bout to knit you a security blanket.
Caspar:
Oh shut up.
Door chime. Bertbert, Ava and shel in the parking lot.
Caspar:
Cookies!
Bertbert:
So at one point you began to notice that your sun was getting dimmer?
Shel:
What is the thing you're pointing at me?
Bertbert:
Sorry, it records your voice.
Shel:
Okay. Yes the sun was getting dimmer. I’m sure you can imagine how that’s bad for me.
Bertbert:
And you think this is because of the Teds building a warp gate?
Shel:
How would I know?
Ava:
It definitely was.
Bertbert:
I wish I knew which system it was.
Ava:
It was a huge star. We call it a Wolf- Rayet star. There’s only a few of them out there.
Bertbert:
Wow. This could’ve been Billius.
Shel:
What’s that?
Bertbert:
Your planet, I think. It was a controversial place. Some say it had intelligent life, some didn’t.
Shel:
I feel pretty intelligent.
Bertbert:
You’re obviously an intelligent life form I don’t know how they could’ve questioned it.
Leif:
Classification bingo. The Teds do it all the time. They don’t like a statistic, they change the defining parameters. They didn’t like that Shel’s planet had intelligent life on it so they changed the definition of intelligent life.
Ava:
Which they probably got away with because someone like Shel is so rare.
Leif:
That’s true. I’ve been around more than anybody here, I’ve never seen a race like Shel’s.
Shel:
Is that true?
Leif:
Yeah.
Shel:
I like feeling special but could we maybe tap the breaks on things that make Shel feel isolated and alone?
Leif:
Sorry.
Bertbert:
But plant life is everywhere, how could a race like theirs be so rare?
Ava:
Leif, how do you feel about photons as a power source?
Leif:
Great. Dependable, but it’s mellow, y’know. You’re not going to break any records with it.
Ava:
But on Shel’s planet with it’s powerful star, photosynthetic energy is off the charts, allowing certain life forms to evolve past the norm.
Caspar:
Cookies?
Leif:
Berts could we talk for a second?
Bertbert:
I’m working.
Shel:
That’s okay, you guys talk I want to explore the surroundings a little.
Effie:
Don’t go far, Shel.
Shel:
I won’t!
Ava:
I’m going back inside. BertBert, the effects of the wind chimes have probably worn off. Our next stop probably won’t be in this timeline, so you should probably make arrangements.
Bertbert:
My ride’s on the way. But Ava, I really would like to sit down with you for some questions before I go. I have so many questions.
Ava:
An interview with a journalist? Twist my arm.
Caspar:
Cookie?
Door chime.
Zebulon:
Caspar, perhaps we should go inside and allow Leif and his friend some time-
Caspar:
Where’d Ex get off to? Maybe she wants a cookie, let’s go see.
Zebulon:
Does she eat?
Caspar:
Shut up.
Leif:
…
Bertbert:
…
Leif:
Hi.
Bertbert:
Hello, Leif.
Leif:
I’m glad you’re okay.
Bertbert:
Thank you.
Leif:
If I had known you were a prisoner of The Teds I would’ve-
Bertbert:
I know.
Leif:
I would’ve burned the whole thing to the ground, Berts.
Bertbert:
And probably would’ve been killed in the process. I don’t need heroics, Leif.
Leif:
I understand.
Bertbert:
You know what I need?
Sonic boom in the distance.
Leif:
Wait… did you hear that?
Bertbert:
Hear what?
Leif:
Something just entered the atmosphere.
Bertbert:
Oh come on.
Leif:
I’m serious.
Bertbert:
Leif, you’re not required to talk to me and I’m not going to insist, okay-
Leif:
It was in that direction, come with me.
Bertbert:
I’m fine.
Leif:
Hey. I know we won the battle but all of us are still on the most wanted list. This is probably an uncharted planet, nobody should be stopping by. Come with me.
Bertbert:
Fine.
Inside the diner. Ava and the ex. Ex walks in from the kitchen.
The Ex:
Oh. Hi.
Ava:
Hello.
The Ex:
Gloria gave me a taco. I think to get me out of the kitchen. I don’t eat though, so now I’m just standing here with a taco in my hand, do you want it?
Ava:
You should try it, I thought you were trying to be more human.
The Ex:
Well, I tried a margarita one time and it was fun but… I don’t know where it went, if you know what I mean?
Ava:
Weird.
The Ex:
Yeah.
Ava:
What’s your energy source?
The Ex:
Y’know, just a positive attitude.
Ava:
Seriously, though.
The Ex:
Seriously I… don’t actually know.
Ava:
You can’t do a systems analysis or something?
The Ex:
No. I’m really good at crawling inside other peoples heads but, poetically, I can’t crawl inside my own.
Ava:
Irony of ironies.
The Ex:
I remember my creator saying something about ambient cosmic energy.
Ava:
Your creator. That’s right. Caspar’s ex-wife.
The Ex:
That’s the one.
Ava:
I can’t even imagine what she was like. What kind of a nut bar do you have to be to create something like you just to yell at your ex?
The Ex:
She wasn’t really thinking clearly at the time. She was a very accomplished person. One of those people who could bend the whole world to her will. Always got what she wanted. And when you always get what you want but there’s this one thing that you can’t get, it tends to drive you a little crazy. And when brilliant people go a little crazy they sometimes accidentally create the most powerful android in the universe. Oops.
Ava:
She created an android with godlike powers on a goof?
The Ex:
See, for me it’s more disturbing if she could do it on purpose. If you can make something godlike on purpose, what does that make you?
Ava:
Good point.
The Ex:
You would’ve liked her though.
Ava:
A brilliant nutcase? Of course I would have.
The Ex:
Anyway, I don’t know much about myself but I guess it’s not much more than you know about Effie and Zebulon right?
Ava:
I think I’m starting to figure them out, actually.
The Ex:
Oh yeah? What’s their deal?
Ava:
Can’t you just read my mind?
The Ex:
Yeah, do you want me to?
Ava:
No. I think they’re a collapsing waveform.
The Ex:
That sounds cool.
Ava:
On a quantum level, particles act like waves, but when they’re being observed they act like particles again. A long time ago, Caspar walked into an empty, dust covered diner and the radio came on. Suddenly two people existed. And I think that when no one’s around, they don’t.
The Ex:
You think they only exist when there’s someone else around?
Ava:
Yes. And if no one is around and they do still exist, is it because I’m wrong or is it because they are still, in some way, being observed?
The Ex:
…It is such a bong rip being around you.
Ava:
I know, right?
The Ex:
…
Ava:
Look, just make your case, okay?
The Ex:
What case?
Ava:
You want me to be forgiving or understanding or something. You want to tell me that Caspar’s not such a bad guy.
The Ex:
Well, he’s not such a bad guy, Ava. But I’m not worried about it. Your anger towards him is like a collapsing waveform, it only exists when it’s being observed.
Door chime.
Gloria:
Hey, the foods almost ready, where is everybody?
Ava:
I don’t know, they all started doing their own thing.
Gloria:
Their own thing? What kind of fucking funeral is this?
Ava:
The kind that’s on an alien planet for a dead guy from the future. How much tradition were you expecting exactly?
Gloria:
Did you try the Pan de Muerto?
Ava:
The what?
Gloria:
The cookies.
Ava:
Oh. No, I didn’t.
Gloria:
Is it too weird that they have skulls on them?
Ava:
It rules that they have skulls on them, they were on a tray being held by Caspar so I didn’t have one.
Gloria:
Uh huh. How long do you think I’m going to tolerate that behavior?
Ava:
We’re going to find out.
Gloria:
Whatever. I’m going to go get everyone.
Ava:
Have fun.
Leif and bertbert on the trail.
Leif:
It came from over there, I think.
Bertbert:
Whatever it is could be a thousand miles away, Leif.
Leif:
I just want to make sure there’s nothing nearby. Sorry, all this time back in The Triad has made me a little jumpy.
Bertbert:
Its fine… Did you seriously consider making a time machine to fix things with me?
Leif:
Like I said, I only talked about that when I was drunk.
Bertbert:
Well that’s great, nobody ever says anything true when they’re drunk.
Leif:
When you realize you’ve gone in the wrong direction with your life, sometimes you turn that regret into a person. You convince yourself if you patch things up with them, you can roll back all the mistakes you made. That person for me, was you. And that’s unfair. You’re not a symbol, you’re a person. That’s what the time machine plan was about.
Bertbert:
Okay.
Leif:
Look, just tell me why your mad at me. Not because I don’t know, just to get it all out there. Here we go. Let me have it.
Bertbert:
Fine. I was always mad about your criminal nonsense but tried to look the other way. I was incredibly mad that you joined up with Låfftrax who is a fucking murderer, but I was even more furious when I find out YEARS later that you had actually left the pirate life and were just wandering around as a cook. You’re a terrible cook.
Leif:
I know. In my defense I had to keep a low profile. The Teds AND Låfftrax were looking for me at that point. What if they tried to use you against me? So I kept to the outer rims and didn’t make waves… and then suddenly there was a diner… it was nice not being that guy for a while. Then we got trapped here in The Triad and it all came back to haunt me.
Bertbert:
Maybe that was for the best.
Leif:
Not for the old man, it wasn’t… look this is stupid. I’m sure the sonic boom was nothing, probably just Vapian Roamers like it always is. We can head back.
Bertbert:
Uh. I think we’ve solved the mystery.
Old Leif:
Hello Leif.
Leif:
…Old Leif.
Old Leif:
It’s good to see you.
Bertbert:
How many of you are there?
Old Leif:
Just two now, Berts. It’s good to see you, too.
Bertbert:
Sure… look I’m going to head back to camp so you can catch up with yourself.
Leif:
Berts. I’m glad we talked.
Bertbert:
Me too, Leif.
Leif:
…Look at you.
Old Leif:
Look at me.
Leif:
You’re wearing robes.
Old Leif:
I am.
Leif:
Caspar told me you’re on an Urt Moon now. I didn’t believe him.
Old Leif:
I am. Mrunmayi Salil. It’s been great. A lot of time to think about things, let go of things. It’s beautiful there, and the Urt Monks have created a really beautiful sanctuary.
Leif:
Wow… It’s so hard to imagine myself meditating.
Old Leif:
It was for me too.
Leif:
How did you find us?
Old Leif:
The old man. He still had his end of life beacon on.
Leif:
Of course he did.
Old Leif:
I picked it up on Mrunmayi. So I followed the diner’s pre-print and that brought me here. Thought I’d check in on you.
Leif:
I appreciate it. You just missed the funeral. Our funeral.
Old Leif:
How was it?
Leif:
Good.
Old Leif:
You didn’t do the Blade Runner speech did you?
Leif:
No, thank god. Effie and Zebulon said some really nice bible stuff. Although, what Effie said was almost Buddhist Transcendentalism, it was kind of weird.
Old Leif:
I had no idea what you were getting up these past few months. There’s no news feeds at the monastery. I got into a ship I borrowed and it all hit me at once.
Leif:
Pretty crazy, right?
Old Leif:
I’m really regretting not having a Gloria in my timeline.
Leif:
She’s really something, huh? It’s funny, it all kind of started with her. We show up in Arizona, she walks in the door, after a minute she knocks over the radio. Then Caspar starts getting agitated, then he shoves Ava into deep space, then the Teds show up, then she declares war. It all started with her.
Old Leif:
It’s funny you say that. My entire time in the diner I always felt like it was waiting for something. Like there was a missing piece.
Leif:
I still feel like there’s a missing piece.
Old Leif:
I know what you mean. But with you all I don’t feel that way.
Leif:
Really?
Old Leif:
Yeah. It’s like the pieces are in place but something else is missing.
Leif:
What?
Old Leif:
I’m not sure. I never did much thinking about what the diner was. That was always Ava’s department. But when you’re learning how to meditate at a secluded monastery, the mind does tend to wander. I guess if I had to choose a word it would be… purpose. Purpose seems to be missing. I know you prefer to see the world as a bowl of chaos, Leif. You all do. But I think the next challenge is, “for what purpose”. You’ve struggled to stay together. Now you’re together. So then… what now?
Leif:
We are… different.
Old Leif:
Yes. The cosmos conspired to make all three of us very different. So if you’re spending any time today regarding this funeral as your own… It’s not. It’s just a funeral for an old friend named Leif.
Leif:
You should come up and say hi.
Old Leif:
... Actually... I think this is all I came here to do. This should be a day for you all. I just thought I should come check in on you.
Leif:
I appreciate it. It’s been a weird day. Don’t be a stranger okay?
Old Leif:
You know, I’ve given up all my worldly possessions but I did hang on to a deep scanner. If I see you show up in the neighborhood, I’ll swing by for a Monte Cristo.
Leif:
Sounds good.
Old Leif:
And hey. All the spiritual mumbo jumbo aside. The Old Man died surrounded by people who love him, defeating an old enemy. It’s the dream. Goodbye Leif.
Leif:
I’ll be seeing you.
Caspar, Effie and Zebulon in the woods.
Caspar:
173 years, Mucklewains.
Zebulon:
That’s quite a collection of time.
Caspar:
I am older than all post-Soviet nations. I am older than the Queen of England. I am older than the automobile. I am older than all forms of popular music.
Effie:
Not to diminish your moment Caspar, but you’re still playing in the minor leagues from a biblical perspective.
Zebulon:
This is very true. The son’s of Adam lived for hundreds of years.
Caspar:
All of them?
Zebulon:
Well, the youngest was Enoch, who only lived to the age of 365.
Caspar:
What?
Zebulon:
Then upwards of that Noah lived to the age of 950 and his grandfather, Methuselah, lived to 962.
Caspar:
Boy that Mediterranean diet really is something, isn’t it?
Effie:
You can make fun if you like, Caspar, we’re just trying to let you know you’re in good company.
Caspar:
I don’t know why I’m getting into this because I’m sure the answer is somehow “Jesus” but is there any good reason why everyone in the old school bible lived longer most civilizations?
Effie:
Well, I imagine because they had a whole lot to do, Caspar. They had just left the garden of Eden and had to, over a long period of time, figure things out.
Caspar:
Like what?
Effie:
Like perhaps how to hand out freshly made cookies to one’s friends and not hide in the woods with the whole darn tray.
Caspar:
Very funny. I panicked.
Zebulon:
That was fairly clear, Caspar.
Caspar:
After 173 years I shouldn’t be panicking about anything. Everything should be boring. Even in this place.
Zebulon:
I don’t imagine all those years we spent were quite the same as the one’s we’d spent back home. I imagine they flew by unnoticed as perhaps they did with the sons of Adam. Trudging across the landscape, waiting for a new world to begin.
Caspar:
Have you two just been sitting there for 173 years waiting for me to, I don’t know, snap out of it this whole time?
Zebulon:
I’m sure it may seem that way, Caspar, but we’ve not sat here with secret knowledge all this time. It has been a journey, even for us.
Effie:
It has. We’ve learned many things about ourselves in your absence.
Zebulon:
Yes, we’ve learned that we can, at times, inhabit automatons.
Effie:
Yes. And also at times become two other people entirely.
Caspar:
Yeah I got a taste of that before remember?
Effie:
Well yes, but now we can do it on demand.
Caspar:
That sounds like a fun trick but I don’t ever-
Static buzzing.
Caspar:
Oh god.
Zebulon:
(As Frank.) Doc, coming up next we’ve got Caspar, calling from, it says here, hiding in a glade of trees.
Effie:
(As Dr. Barbara) Well that’s quite a location, isn’t it Frank?
Zebulon:
Definitely a first.
Effie:
Caspar, it says you’re calling from a glade of trees, I’m a little jealous, it sounds nice. How can we help you tonight… Caspar are you there? did we lose him?
Caspar:
Hello, Dr. Barbara.
Effie:
There he is, Caspar I’m sensing some hesitation, not to worry, just try and remember you’re the one who called in tonight.
Caspar:
Oh is that what I did?
Effie:
Caspar, Frank and I are all nestled in here in the studio and we’re very happy to talk to you. Frank, what are you drinking over there?
Zebulon:
Doc it’s a spicy Mexican hot chocolate.
Effie:
Oh, well my goodness. I’m sitting here with my camomile tea feeling like a fool.
Zebulon:
It is pretty great.
Effie:
I’ve got some warm beverage fomo. Is that what they call it Frank? Fomo?
Zebulon:
I think so.
Caspar:
What the fuck is happening?
Effie:
Alright, Caspar, talk to us. How can we help you tonight?
Caspar:
… I spent some time away. I had to take care of some things. And while I was away I learned some things. Now I’m back and there’s people who don’t know I learned these things… and they hate me. Now I have to go back in to all those old feelings and dredge them all up when what I really want is to move on.
Effie:
Caspar it sounds to me that you’ve done some very exciting emotional work for yourself lately, is that fair to say?
Caspar:
… Yeah, okay, sure.
Effie:
It’s nice to be on a journey isn’t it? Doing that hard work and having the wind at your back is quite a feeling, isn’t it?
Zebulon:
I know it is for me, Doc.
Effie:
You know what I like about taking a journey, Caspar? You get to take others with you. And don’t you want to take this person with you on this journey of yours?
Caspar:
… Yes.
Effie:
And listen to that wonderfully honest answer you just gave, wasn’t that wonderful, Frank?
Zebulon:
It was really nice, Doc.
Effie:
I really want you to hang onto that feeling, Caspar. Let it be the North Star of your journey. And just remember that some journeys are smooth sailing and some are all about throwing the jeep into four wheel drive and getting over that rocky terrain. What do you think of that?
Caspar:
Sure, Dr Barbara. Sounds great.
Radio static.
Effie:
(Back to herself.) Wasn’t that somethin’?
Caspar:
Let’s head back.
Gloria and shel in the trees.
Gloria:
Shel?
Shel:
Seriously, I’m just standing here.
Gloria:
Shit. I’m sorry. We keep doing that.
Shel:
It’s okay.
Gloria:
I’m trying to track everybody down, the foods almost ready. I know you’re not going to eat it but you should be there, it’s a special occasion.
Shel:
Sure…
Gloria:
… What is it?
Shel:
… This is the place.
Gloria:
What is… oh… it is?
Shel:
Yeah, I think so.
Gloria:
Here?
Shel:
Here.
Gloria:
How do you know?
Shel:
Um… I don’t actually.
Gloria:
What do you mean?
Shel:
They were all talking about me back there… Apparently I’m really rare. There’s not a lot of things out there like me. I may be one of a kind.
Gloria:
Of course you’re one of a kind.
Shel:
I mean… The only one. It got me thinking. How long am I supposed to search for? I could wait around forever. Get so big that I don’t even fit inside the diner anymore. I’ve got a lot of work to do. Maybe it’s not about me finding it, it’s about me choosing it.
Gloria:
How do you know it has everything you need?
Shel:
I don’t. My sun was different but this planet has two of them, so that could be interesting. The soil is good. There’s a river nearby… Look around. See these huge trees? They’re all connected to each other under the ground. They share water, they share information, if one of them is sick they can send nutrients, they talk to each other. And when I wondered over here they started talking to me too.
Gloria:
What are they saying?
Shel:
“Hello.”
Gloria:
Man, Shel, I’m going to worry about you so much though.
Shel:
I know. But I’ll be okay. I mean, let’s be real, I’ll probably be safer here than in the diner.
Gloria:
Yeah, okay. That’s probably true. Wow… this is a big step, Shel.
Shel:
Gloria, I have to revive an entire race of people. It’s only big steps from now on.
Gloria:
I wish I knew, I would’ve thrown you a going away party.
Shel:
Technically a funeral is a going away party.
Gloria:
Sure, I guess… so how does it work?
Shel:
How does what work?
Gloria:
How do you make a whole race of people?
Shel:
Are you asking me how I make babies?
Gloria:
Well don’t say it like that, it sounds weird.
Shel:
Why do you need to know?
Gloria:
Because I’m not just going to drop you off and say good luck, I need details.
Shel:
Okay. It’s not complicated. I get flowers on my back.
Gloria:
Okay.
Shel:
And then the flowers turn into seeds, and then I take good care of the seeds, and then, if I’m lucky, they turn into something like me.
Gloria:
Are you scared?
Shel:
No. I’m excited. It’ll be nice to do something that doesn’t make me feel out of place.
Gloria:
I guess it’s been kind of rough living with us, huh?
Shel:
No. I learned a lot. More than anyone from my race has ever learned. It’s kind of the reason I’m stopping here. That guy Caspar, he came all that way just to be with his people. I felt that. People need their people. I need some of that. I guess sometimes you find them and sometimes you have to make them from flowers on your back.
Gloria:
We can’t be your people, can we?
Shel:
No. It’s like they’re waiting out there to be born.
Gloria:
I understand… you know I learned something from you, too.
Shel:
What did you learn?
Gloria:
That I’m mad.
Shel:
You’re mad? What are you mad at?
Gloria:
Everything, kind of.
Shel:
You’re not mad at me, are you?
Gloria:
No, no. Not at you… When I left my planet things were NOT going well. It was a mess. And I think when I first climbed aboard the great space coaster over there it was to get away from all that. I was trying to escape. And then I met you, and I saw what The Teds had done to you, and I saw the same old shit that I was trying to get away from. I couldn’t get away from it. I had to face it.
Shel:
That doesn’t sound like any fun.
Gloria:
I had something I really loved back on Earth. It was a restaurant, like the diner but, y’know, it stayed put. Every ounce of myself went into it and then, in an instant it was gone. There was nothing I could do about it. I could only sit there and watch it happen. Sell off the appliances that I had just bought a few months ago, give all the food away to friends. Take the sign out of the window. There was literally nothing I could’ve done.Here’s the thing. Out here, with the diner, I fucking won. We actually beat the bad guys. And that does not happen where I’m from. Where I’m from you duck and cover and hope for the best, hope that the random clouds of destruction that swirl around don’t choose you this time. I could… this shouldn’t be a rare feeling but, I could do something. The world wasn’t a horror show that I had to just sit there and watch. It was like I wasn’t in the audience anymore, I was in the story. And this story could end up however I wanted it to.
Shel:
There’s random clouds of destruction on your planet?
Gloria:
It’s a metaphor. Sometimes. Anyway, I’m going to hang on to that feeling. And I found that feeling because of you.
Shel:
Well… you’re welcome.
Gloria:
You’ve got to come back and say goodbye to everyone, okay?
Shel:
I will. Just give me one more second with my new friends, okay?
Gloria:
Okay… Are you sure you’re going to be okay?
Shel:
I’m going to be okay, I promise.
Gloria:
Okay. The food’s almost ready, which means nothing to you but come on back and we’ll put your feet in some wine.
Shel:
Sounds good. I’ll be right there.
Gloria:
Okay.
Gloria goes and shel sighs heavily.
The Ex:
That was sweet.
Shel:
Oh fuck! Jesus! Shit!
The Ex:
Sorry.
Shel:
So that’s what that’s like.
The Ex:
Did you not know I was here?
Shel:
I didn’t!
The Ex:
Well. Hi.
Shel:
Hi.
The Ex:
I was sitting right here.
Shel:
I… I can kind of sense when they’re around.
The Ex:
How’s that?
Shel:
I’m not sure. I think it’s because of these spores that I emit. They interact with their brains so I can speak their language but it kind of gives me a residual…
The Ex:
Vibe?
Shel:
Sure. Gloria’s over there, Leif is off that way somewhere, Ava’s at her booth. But with you…
The Ex:
Aha.
Shel:
I can’t read you.
The Ex:
That makes sense. I’m just a little bit different from them.
Shel:
Just a little… Do you… not have a brain?
The Ex:
I don’t know tons about myself. But I can tell you that my creator described me as “single structure crystalline adaptive”. I think that means that my brain and my body are the same thing.
Shel:
Weird.
The Ex:
I know right?
Shel:
Somebody made you?
The Ex:
Yeah. She was nuts… so you’re staying here, huh?
Shel:
I am.
The Ex:
Scary, right?
Shel:
No. No I think it’s going to be fine… it’ll be fine.
The Ex:
Uh huh.
Shel:
It’ll be hard. It’ll be hard but I think I can come up with a plan, I think I can figure it out.
The Ex:
Sure… so, another fun fact about me is that I can read minds.
Shel:
Even mine?
The Ex:
Yep.
Shel:
I was hoping I was different.
The Ex:
Nope.
Shel:
So you read my mind?
The Ex:
Just a little bit. Just kind of read the book jacket.
Shel:
The book jacket?
The Ex:
You’re scared out of your mind, Shel.
Shel:
I am. I can’t tell them that.
The Ex:
I know.
Shel:
They won’t understand.
The Ex:
I know.
Shel:
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
The Ex:
I know that too.
Shel:
It’s impossible. I’m just one person. One person shouldn’t have this responsibility. It’s too much. If I… if I fail it’s like my race dies all over again. That’s too much for anybody.
The Ex:
Right again.
Shel:
I’m not prepared for the responsibility. I’m not prepared for the guilt that I’ll feel when I fail.
The Ex:
Way ahead of you.
Shel:
We’re plants, okay? Our lives aren’t supposed to be stressful!
The Ex:
You’re right.
Shel:
Sorry, I guess I’ve been holding that in for a while.
The Ex:
I guess so.
Shel:
This is too much. This is going to be a disaster.
The Ex:
You know what I’ve noticed? There’s this pattern the universe has of giving a lot of work to people with very little power, a very little work to people who are very powerful. Have you noticed that?
Shel:
No, not really.
The Ex:
You’re a four foot tree who has to regrow an entire planet’s worth of people and I am maybe one of the most powerful beings in the universe and all I had to do was track down somebody’s ex-husband. How’s that fair?
Shel:
It’s not.
The Ex:
There should be a partnership don’t you think? Between the powerful and the powerless? They should hang out more.
Shel:
What are you talking about?
The Ex:
I got all my powers back yesterday.
Shel:
You were LESS powerful yesterday?
The Ex:
When we destroyed the wind chimes I got them back. I can see time now. How it twists and turns. I can travel through it if I want. Like the diner does.
Shel:
You can see my future?
The Ex:
All of them, yes.
Shel:
Do I want to know what happens?
The Ex:
In almost every timeline, you fail, Shel. You try your hardest in all of them, but in the end it’s just too much for one person.
Shel:
…Fuck.
The Ex:
Which is why I’m going to stay too.
Shel:
You’re… what?
The Ex:
I’m going to stay here. With you.
Shel:
What… why? Why would you do that?
The Ex:
Because you need help.
Shel:
That’s the only reason?
The Ex:
Does there need to be another reason?
Shel:
I don’t know, is there one?
The Ex:
Yes.
Shel:
What is it?
The Ex:
I think what you’re doing is important. I believe in it. So I want to help.
Shel:
In my limited experience with other beings there’s not a lot of that attitude going around.
The Ex:
I know, but there is with me.
Shel:
Forgive my paranoia but I don’t even know you.
The Ex:
I’m great.
Shel:
Okay, but also terrifying.
The Ex:
Not really, though.
Shel:
You destroyed all those scary metal things.
The Ex:
They’re the bad guys.
Shel:
You only do that to bad guys?
The Ex:
Yes.
Shel:
Who decides who the bad guys are?
The Ex:
Shel. Look, you’d be helping me out, okay?
Shel:
How?
The Ex:
Because… Because I’m immortal. And invincible. And I can travel through space and time. And I’m very, very strong… and I need that to mean something. I have to give it meaning. And I’d like to do that with you.
Shel:
… What does my future look like if you stay?
The Ex:
Honestly? Fucking great.
Shel:
… ok ay… so like… how strong are you?
The Ex:
Real strong.
Shel:
Like, could you pick up that boulder?
The Ex:
Yeah… oh, you want me to pick it up right now?
Shel:
Yeah.
The Ex:
Okay, hang on.
The ex strains as the huge boulder is lifted above her head.
Shel:
Oh my God.
The Ex:
What do you think?
Shel:
Can you throw it?
The Ex:
Where?
Shel:
Over there!
The Ex:
Okay… here… we… go!
Pause as they watch the boulder go sailing. It smashes against nearby rocks.
Shel:
Holy shit!
The Ex:
Cool right?
Sound of a rockslide.
The Ex:
Oh… oops… made a Little Rock slide there. Uninhabited planet right?
Shel:
Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Do you think you could move a river?
The Ex:
I don’t see why not.
Caspar:
Is this the Highland Games? What the hell is happening over here?
Effie:
Did she throw that whole rock all the way over yonder?
The Ex:
I did.
Shel:
Hi everyone!
Zebulon:
Y’all, Caspar is going around seeing if anyone would like cookies and for some reason he has decided to approach the two people who do not eat.
Caspar:
Shut up.
Shel:
Effie, Zebulon, I’ve decided I’m staying here.
Effie:
Really?
Shel:
Yep.
Zebulon:
Are you sure, Shel?
Shel:
Yeah. It’s a nice place, don’t you think?
Effie:
It is lovely. Certainly worse places to make a fresh start.
Zebulon:
Isn’t that wonderful, Caspar?
Caspar:
Sure, yeah. Mazel tov. Welcome to your new civilization. Um, don’t build malls, and, y’know there’s never enough post offices.
Effie:
Oh, you know, that is true, that is a good notion, Caspar.
Zebulon:
Shel are you sure you’ll be alright here by yourself?
The Ex:
They won’t be. I’m staying too.
Effie:
Oh.
Zebulon:
Oh?
Caspar:
What?
Effie:
Hmm.
Zebulon:
Hmmm.
Effie:
Well…
Zebulon:
Well, it’s an odd pairing but…
Effie:
But it feels right, doesn’t it?
Zebulon:
It does.
Caspar:
Hang on.
Zebulon:
And Shel will certainly be safe with someone such as you around.
Effie:
Oh I do not envy the creature that crosses you two.
The Ex:
It’s true.
Caspar:
Shel, can you take the radio please?
Shel:
Sure.
Caspar:
Ex, come here.
The Ex:
I’m sorry can I help you?
Caspar:
Yes, by coming here.
Shel:
Do you think Caspar’s mad that I’m taking his friend?
Effie:
Caspar will be just fine, Shel.
Zebulon:
He gets attached, though he wouldn’t know it.
Effie:
How are you feeling, Dear?
Shel:
I feel good, I think. I wasn’t a second ago but. I don’t know, I saw her throw that rock and I got really excited.
Zebulon:
She’ll be a very useful companion.
Effie:
Certainly more useful than we have been.
Shel:
…Jeez, I have a whole planet.
Zebulon:
You do.
Shel:
What am I going to do with it all?
Effie:
Whatever you like, I imagine.
Shel:
I guess I have to name it. Should I name it something from the Bible?
Effie:
Well that’s a nice sentiment.
Zebulon:
But perhaps… no, Shel. You shouldn’t.
Shel:
No?
Zebulon:
You are forging your own path. Writing your own book, in a way. It should be something that comes from within you. Something that looks forward.It’s a beautiful gift you’ve been given. A fresh start. A chance to do things right without the impediments of evil.
Effie:
And if evil ever comes calling, at least you now have a strange lady that can hurl large stones at them.
Shel:
Absolutely.
Caspar:
What are you doing?
The Ex:
I told you.
Caspar:
What… this doesn’t feel a little random to you?
The Ex:
No, it actually feels really perfect.
Caspar:
What happened to your quest for humanity?
The Ex:
I’m done with it.
Caspar:
You’re just going to toss that aside and start a sentient nursery?
The Ex:
No, I mean, I’m done. I figured it out.
Caspar:
You figured it out.
The Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Humanity?
The Ex:
Nailed it.
Caspar:
Well you’re the first can you share the secret to humanity, please?
The Ex:
The secret is this. What I’m doing with Shel.
Caspar:
What are you talking about?
The Ex:
Look, don’t be mad, but I may have gone rooting around in your head one last time.
Caspar:
Goddamnit.
The Ex:
Just one last time, for old times sake.
Caspar:
I’m assuming “boundaries” aren’t the secret.
The Ex:
The Velveteen Rabbit. It was your favorite. Do you remember that one line? “Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you.”
Caspar:
I remember the line.
The Ex:
Being human is something that happens to you. And what happens to you… is each other. Ava was telling me about Effie and Zebulon, and how she thinks that when no one else is around, Effie and Zebulon don’t exist. A collapsing waveform, she calls it. The thing is, you’re all sort of like that. You come to exist in each other. You’re not in there Caspar.
Gloria :
(Calling from the diner.) Okay, can everyone get their asses back here please? I’ve got a whole taco situation and it’s just sitting here.
The Ex:
You’re in there. So get in there.
Fork hitting a glass several times.
Leif:
Everyone, can I have your attention while we’re all enjoying these amazing tacos that Gloria has prepared?
Bertbert:
Yeah, Gloria, oh my God. I can never eat space Mexican food again, I’m ruined.
Gloria:
That’s what I like to hear.
The Ex:
Should we try eating?
Shel:
Absolutely not, I’ve got my feet in a bucket of wine and that is all I need. I’ll be needing a recipe for wine before I go, by the way.
Leif:
I’ve got one for you… Everyone I just wanted to say a few things. I am Leif. I was born in Northern California to a couple of hippies. I became an engineer. Did some really cool shit. Then, I left Earth and started roaming the galaxies. I bummed around for a while. Learned some things. Then I started doing some crimes here and there, mainly because I thought it was cool. Then wound up turning into way more serious of a criminal than I had meant to be. Then I left the life and became a cook. And then suddenly there was a diner… I’m sorry that I subjected you all to the very slow roll out of who I actually was. But, like Shel not telling us that they were poisonous-
Shel:
-sorry again!
Leif:
-I just wanted you all to like me. I promise that there are no more revelations about this guy right here.
Bertbert:
Except for you thinking that Star Wars is problematic.
Caspar:
Oh, come on.
Leif:
Listen-
Bertbert:
Or that your left thumb had to be regrown in a Truskan med bay.
Gloria:
What?
Ava:
Simultaneously cool and gross.
Leif:
No MAJOR revelations. Okay?
Gloria:
Leif. We love you. Water under the bridge, okay?
Leif:
Okay. Shel, let me give you that recipe.
Shel:
Yesssssssssss.
Zebulon:
Well that was a wonderfully honest speech by Leif, wasn’t it, dear?
Effie:
It was lovely. You know, Husband, it is almost as if it is a time for honesty. A time to bear one’s soul.
Zebulon:
To build bridges from one soul to another.
Caspar:
I’m literally sitting right in front of the radio. And you two are talking like I’m nowhere to be found.
Zebulon:
Oh he’s a sharp one, isn’t he?
Effie:
How in the world were we found out?
Caspar:
Very funny.
Effie:
Caspar, it is time. Step to.
Caspar:
I am eating my tacos right now. I’m enjoying my tacos. Please allow me this taco time.
Zebulon:
Caspar, I’m going to start playing yodeling.
Caspar:
Zebulon, god damn it, don’t you fucking dare-
Yodeling music.
Caspar:
Fucking, shut it off. Shut it off! Shut it the fuck off!
Yodeling stops.
Caspar:
I fucking hate yodeling.
Zebulon:
I have an extensive collection of yodeling, Caspar.
Caspar:
Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fuck it.
Caspar crosses the room.
Caspar:
Mind if I sit?
Ava:
Okay.
Caspar:
… I uh, I got your notes from the Teds when Ex saved me. But they were on board the Nancy Sinatra.
Ava:
Oh well…
Caspar:
… Hey the Teds said they couldn’t read them.
Ava:
They’re written in gröte.
Caspar:
What is that?
Ava:
It’s a dead form of shorthand.
Caspar:
Why were they written in that?
Ava:
To keep people from stealing my shit. Looks like it worked…
Caspar:
…
Ava:
…I see you got back together with your Ex, congratulations.
Caspar:
Well, opposites attract. I breathe, she doesn’t.
Ava:
I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.
Caspar:
No, haven’t you heard? The invincible android and the plant person are going to stay behind and raise kids together, so, take that, Focus on the Family.
Ava:
…
Caspar:
…
Caspar:
I’m sorry… I was a terrible asshole to you and I’m very very sorry. I’d like to-
Ava:
No.
Caspar:
… No?
Ava:
No.
Caspar:
No… no, what?
Ava:
You don’t get to stroll back in here with an apology pinned to your shirt like a kindergartner and just make everything okay.
Caspar:
Well what the fuck else am I supposed to do other than apologize-
Ava:
I don’t know, that’s not my problem. I’m having a cigarette.
Caspar:
Ava, come on.
Door chime.
Yodeling music plays.
Caspar:
Fucking stop it! Okay. Okay fine.
Door chime.
Caspar:
Look if you want to fire up the way back machine and argue like I never left that’s fine.
Ava:
I don’t need anything from you.
Caspar:
Well tough shit, here I am anyway.
Ava:
That’s right, I forgot that everything needs to revolve around your emotional state.
Caspar:
That’s rich coming from someone who has no emotional states.
Ava:
I’ve got all kinds of emotional states, this emotional state is called “I don’t give a shit about your emotional state”.
Caspar:
Oh right, I forgot, because everything is just fermions and bosons right? Nothing matters.
Ava:
All kinds of things matter to me, you’re mad because YOURE thing doesn’t matter to me.
Caspar:
I’m just trying to apologize.
Ava:
And I don’t care.
Caspar:
Oh fuck this.
Door chime.
Yodeling music being played from inside the diner.
Door chime.
Caspar:
Is this how you treated Gloria and Leif? I recall them being there too.
Ava:
I’m sorry, are you referring to when you shoved me off the edge of the parking lot into deep space?
Caspar:
Yes, Ava, that’s what I’m referring to. Leif and Gloria agreed to the plan to give you the old heave ho, I don’t see them getting dragged out here.
Ava:
You can go the fuck back inside any time. You can go back to Earth for all I care.
Caspar:
I’m not going back to Earth, they have the internet there! The rules are different for me?
Ava:
So it took no convincing from you? You didn’t argue with them until they got so exhausted that they just gave up? What’s that like? Being surrounded by people you’ve exhausted into submission?
Caspar:
All I had to do was tell Leif he had to build something. Gloria agreed right on the spot. The rules for me are different?
Ava:
Yes they are.
Caspar:
Could I get a list of all the rules that apply only to me please?
Ava:
I’ll make you a list and shove it right up your ass-
Caspar:
You’re the one who stranded us in deep space in the first place, but I’m the bad guy, how are you any different?!
Ava:
Because I kept us together! And you shoved me away! It’s different for you!
Caspar:
… And I’m trying to apologize-
Ava:
Fuck your apology.
Caspar:
…
Ava:
…
Ava:
Gloria can cook. Leif can build things, Effie and Zebulon can do all sorts of shit and I’m a fucking genius. Then there’s you. You do not for one second, give any thanks for being surrounded by the only people in the cosmos who can tolerate your bullshit. All of us, in one way or another, are grateful to be here. We think it’s amazing. Then there’s you. Why are you like this?… Y’know what? Never mind. I don’t care.
Caspar:
…
Ava:
…
Caspar:
Did anyone named David stop by?
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
Did anyone named David stop by?
Ava:
David? No, what… what are you talking about? Who’s David?
Caspar:
My son…
Ava:
…
Caspar:
It was stupid, I should’ve told you…
Ava:
What the fuck.
Caspar:
I’m going to go ahead and set aside the usual bullshit between us and I’m going to go ahead and say that you care about me… and even though you care about me, I’m also going to say that I bet you can imagine me as a pretty terrible father… because I was… I was just angry all the time. So was he. He was allowed to be though… I kept telling myself I was going to start tomorrow. I was going to be a good father tomorrow, I was going to start tomorrow. Today I’ll just be pissed off about everything, I’ll be a good father tomorrow. And then he was gone. Left a note for his mom. He couldn’t take it anymore. I was furious… when you don’t hit your kid or set them on fire or whatever, its really easy to convince yourself that you’re a great parent. Turns out there’s a universe of ways that you can be bad at it. Really terrible at it… I picked up my keys and I walked out the door and I started looking for him… and I just never came back. Lost my job, lost my marriage… Signed divorce papers in a Super 8 motel in Nevada. And I just kept looking… because I was going to start tomorrow. My car broke down in a part of California that they don’t make postcards about… and there it was. I went in to use the phone.Once I wrapped my mind around what this place was I formed this plan. That if he needs help, eventually the diner would show up, and I’d be able to give him a cup of coffee and tell him I’m sorry…
Ava:
Why didn’t you say anything?
Caspar:
Because it was a stupid plan. I convinced myself I needed to find him so I could make sure he was okay but that’s not true. I was trying to make it never have happened in the first place. Because I was going to start tomorrow. It’s easy to stick to a stupid plan when there’s no one else around. And there was no one else around for a very, very long time. Then Leif showed up. Then you, then Gloria showed up and knocked the radio over. It was getting harder and harder to stick to my plan. And my plan, as ridiculous as it was, was all I had. But then I pushed you off the edge of the parking lot and I realized that wasn’t true, that wasn’t all that I had… I didn’t mean to surround myself with people I care about. I meant to do the opposite. I meant to punish myself. But the cosmos, which seem to me to be nothing more than a giant engine of punishment, this one time said “No. This one, we give him friends.” And I think that’s probably fucked me up more than anything.
Ava:
Caspar. He’s almost certainly never going to walk through the door.
Caspar:
I know. That’s what makes it so stupid. What’s more, even if he did show up, which timeline is he from? Is it the timeline where I did everything right? Is it the timeline where I never existed at all? He’s better off in both of those. You know, none of us really want to admit it, but the only home that any of us have anymore is each other. Or the home we choose for ourselves. I’m choosing now... I thought I had killed you. When I found out I hadn’t, I crawled across three galaxies to get here... I already have one apology I’m never going to be able to make. I can’t let there be two. I’m so sorry.
Door chime.
Gloria:
Y’all. It’s about time for our passengers to get off… is it safe?
Ava:
…We’re okay.
Gloria:
Okay. Come on out, everyone.
Shel:
I’m keeping the wine bucket.
Bertbert:
I’m taking extra tacos.
Leif:
You guys sure you have everything you need? I’ve got a laser saw.
The Ex:
I am a laser saw.
Gloria:
Okay, you three get right past the pavement, there.
Caspar:
Give me just a minute, okay? I’ll be right back.
Door chime. Caspar walks through the diner and opens the walk-in.
Caspar:
Ted!
Ted:
What the fuck am I doing here?
Caspar:
Well, Ted, it’s a funny story.
Ted:
I’m sure it’s not.
Caspar:
There was a bit of an explosion, there Ted. I’m sure you saw.
Ted:
It obliterated my ship.
Caspar:
And it looks like you wound up back in your old friend The Escape Pod.
Ted:
I did?
Caspar:
Perfectly bookending our time together.
Ted:
Then how did I end up here?
Caspar:
Well, your escape pod, in a stinging irony, landed in our parking lot.
Ted:
That’s impossible.
Caspar:
That’s what I said, Ted. That’s impossible. I mean, space, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, is huge. And out of all that nothing out there, your escape pod chose the one place where there was something. Dizzying odds.
Ted:
Any chance of you just putting me back in the escape pod and letting me go?
Caspar:
No, we can’t do that, Leif has already scrapped it for parts, he’s very excited.
Ted:
Great.
Caspar:
We’re looking less and less like a diner every day. Scrap yard by the dumpster, workshop on the roof, Gloria’s making Mexican food, next thing you know, Ava’s going to have a chalkboard.
Ted:
Nothing for you?
Caspar:
I’m hoping for a pinball machine. Fingers crossed.
Ted:
What’s going to happen to me then?
Caspar:
Well, for a while the debate was raging. There are some people out there that, wow, really hate you, Ted. There’s a woman out there named BertBert, basically wants to turn you into a loose meat sandwich.
Ted:
Oh, fuck.
Caspar:
Lot of animosity coming from a four foot plant that’s probably never hated anything in their life, Ted.
Ted:
Well can we just get it over with, please?
Caspar:
I talked them all down. No public executions.
Ted:
Why?
Caspar:
I think you’re a piece of shit, Ted, and you come from a garbage empire, BUT...You interrogated me for hours. Threatened me, tried to reason with me... And in all that time, you never used my son against me. Didn’t offer to find him, didn’t threaten him. Why is that, Ted?
Ted:
...I deleted it from your record.
Caspar:
Why?
Ted:
...Reproductive permits are only given to a few people on my planet... I always thought I would’ve made a good father. I just... I couldn’t do it.
Caspar:
...Damn, and that just drives me crazy, Ted. I just want you to twirl your mustache and be evil and then lose. But you did this one thing. So now... now I have to turn your punishment over to a higher power. Hang on... Effie, Zebulon, meet Ted.
Zebulon:
Theodore.
Effie:
Would that I had an automaton to inhabit.
Caspar:
We felt that Effie and Zebulon would be the most impartial judges for your sentencing.
Zebulon:
A wise choice, Caspar.
Effie:
I don’t know about that.
Zebulon:
Theodore, we have spoken at length regarding your punishment.
Effie:
I had all sorts of wonderful ideas.
Zebulon:
The Bible has within it all sorts of punishments.
Effie:
And some of them are real mean and I got real excited.
Zebulon:
But in the end, God is the final judge of us all.
Effie:
Even thought he is more than welcome to delegate to his most devoted, should he see fit.
Zebulon:
You have served cravenly, Theodore, you have severed an empire of evil and avarice. And we feel that your punishment should be to wander.
Ted:
Wander?
Caspar:
At our next stop, you get off. I don’t know where it’s going to be, I don’t know when it’s going to be, but you’re getting off. There’s not going to be any Ted Empire, there’s not going to be any Tednoughts or chemical ice. It’s just going to be you and the cosmos. It’s going to be rough. Like it is for all of us. Good luck, Ted.
Ted:
You know, my name’s not Ted.
Effie:
Your name can now be whatever you want it to be. Choose wisely.
Walk in door closes.
Caspar:
That was fun.
Effie:
Not nearly as fun as I wanted it to be.
Caspar:
Effie, you have a mean streak in you that has not faded for 173 years, and I admire that.
Effie:
Thank you, Caspar.
Door chime.
Caspar:
Okay, let’s launch this firecracker.
Leif:
Guess I’ve come a long way since that kid you met on Sirius A, huh?
Bertbert:
No, actually, I finally feel like I’m looking at him again. Don’t fuck it up, Leif.
Leif:
I’ll try.
The Ex:
Caspar, I know the separation anxiety is going to be tough for you, but try not to miss me too much.
Caspar:
I think I’ll be okay.
The Ex:
And just remember, no matter where you go in time and space, I can always find you.
Caspar:
So disturbing.
Shel:
Everyone, before we go, I just want to leave you with a thought. Thousands of your years from now a race of creatures that look like trees will tell the story of their founder. Their name was Shel, and they escaped certain doom on their planet by hitching a ride on a strange comet called Midnight Burger. There they met Gloria The Empire Slayer, Leif the Builder, Ava who communed with mysterious beings, a Wooden Box that spoke of an old God, and some guy named Caspar. They carried them across the stars to a place they now call home. And they will be remembered forever. Goodbye everyone.
Gloria:
Goodbye, Shel. We’ll remember you forever too.
In an instant, they are gone. Space and time rushes past the diner.
Leif:
And we’re off.
Gloria:
Damn.
Ava:
No offense, Leif, but The Triad sucks.
Leif:
Where do you think we’re headed now?
Caspar:
Well, as long as it’s not Newark airport during a holiday, I think I’ll be fine... Why is everybody looking at me?
Gloria:
Ava?
Ava:
Hang on...
Caspar:
Okay, huge fans of Newark Airport, didn’t realize. No offense guys but it’s basically like a bus station except the busses are flying... What is the problem?
Effie:
I’m unsure, Caspar, but perhaps the remedy is not you talking.
Caspar:
Okay, fine.
Ava:
Everybody inside.
Caspar:
I feel like the party vibe is gone, where’s the party vibe?
Door chime.
Ava:
Sit here.
Caspar:
Okay. What’s going on? Is that Vladimir’s tape recorder?
Ava:
Stop talking... When you shoved me into deep space I made contact with an entity. It’s a friend, I think. Then, later on, right before we got sent into the battle with the Teds it tried to make contact again. I need you to say exactly what you just said outside.
Caspar:
Why?
Ava:
Just do it.
Caspar:
Fine... as long as it’s not Newark airport during a holiday, I think I’ll be fine.
Ava presses play on the tape recorder.
The Voice:
It may be Newark Airport.
Caspar:
Why did the tape recorder just respond to me?
Ava:
It’s a 4th dimensional being. It doesn’t move through time like we do so it’s hard to communicate, it doesn’t understand time. It reached out to us but I didn’t understand what it was saying. I think that’s because it wasn’t talking to me then, it was actually talking to you right now. Luckily we recorded it.
Caspar:
Okay... I have several questions but it feels like I should just jump into this conversation with the tape recorder.
Ava:
Good boy.
Caspar:
Who are you?
The Voice :
A friend. Like you I found this place.
Caspar:
What’s your name?
The Voice:
I don’t have identity like you do. Call me what you like.
Caspar:
Okay, do we want to crowdsource the name of the transdimensional being right now?
Leif:
Chuck.
Caspar:
What?
Leif:
Does it matter? Chuck.
Gloria:
Just go with Chuck!
Caspar:
Fine! I guess we’ll go with Chuck.
Chuck:
Names are strange. They don’t mean anything.
Caspar:
Chuck, what are we doing here? Why are you contacting us?
Chuck:
I see myself finding this place. Like all of you, through chance and circumstance. I see you. Alone. The tables covered in dust. I see myself not wanting you to be alone. Somewhere else I see a man and a woman. She talks of her grandmother and grandfather. I make them for you. Put their voices in a wooden box. I thought you shouldn’t be alone.
Caspar:
Yeah. You’re right. So you can just make people?
Chuck:
You too can make people.
Caspar:
I guess that’s technically true. Why are you contacting us, Chuck?
Chuck:
I see Ava in a field. She tells a story of dogs and humans. She is right. We need each other.
Caspar:
Why do we need each other?
Chuck:
Things need each other. You can see it in the stars. Gravity is not a mindless force, it is an intention. A prayer. Things drawn together.
Caspar:
That’s beautiful, Chuck, but I get the sense that something else is going on.
Chuck:
Something is wrong.
Ava:
That’s where it ended for us.
Caspar:
Okay, well that wasn’t much, was it.
Ava:
But that’s not where it ended for you. Ask another question.
Caspar:
What’s wrong, Chuck?
Chuck:
I don’t know. Existence. You say “cosmos”. It is fragile. Irresistible and fragile. I see Ava. She is in a place called Bruges. Violent waves across spacetime. I see a friend of Ava’s. She speaks of a universe where a curtain rises and falls. I see you. A place of null entropy. It is all connected.
Caspar:
Chuck is so high right now you guys.
Ava:
It’s talking about a speech I made in Bruges. About gravity waves.
Caspar:
What’s a gravity wave?
Ava:
If something big happens in the universe it sends out a wave of gravity. I proved that a gravity wave, if it’s big enough can permanently damage the fabric of spacetime. Maybe that’s what it’s talking about. Ask it what we do next.
Caspar:
What are we supposed to do with all that information, Chuck?
Chuck:
I propose an experiment.
Caspar:
Oh boy. Y’all how do we feel about a transdimensional being conducting an experiment on us?
Gloria:
Put me in the “No” column.
Leif:
Ambiguous at best.
Ava:
It’s not an experiment ON us it’s an experiment WITH us.
Caspar:
I think I’d like some clarification on that from the tape recorder person.
Ava:
Go ahead.
Caspar:
What kind of experiment?
Chuck:
You are chasing something.
Caspar:
Chasing something, what are we chasing?
Chuck:
Unknown. A strange attractor. You are always one step behind.
Caspar:
Help me out here.
Leif:
It’s chaos theory.
Ava:
Right, a strange attractor is a point in a chaotic system that everything seems to magically coalesce around.
Caspar:
It’s saying the diner is magically coalescing around something?
Gloria:
Why can’t it be buried treasure? Can it just be we have a treasure map and we’re looking for buried treasure?
Zebulon:
Agreed, Gloria.
Leif:
It kind of is. I think what it’s saying is that the diner is searching for something. It’s kind of on a treasure hunt. If the treasure was a mysterious and unknowable cosmic anomaly.
Effie:
Leif, We don’t know that it’s any of those things.
Leif:
Well it’s not looking for it’s car keys.
Caspar:
I’m going back to Chuck. Chuck, what kind of experiment?
Chuck:
You must be the Strange Attractor. You must be the center of chaos so that it becomes drawn to you.
Caspar:
Translation, please?
Leif:
There’s something really big out there and we need to get it’s attention.
Gloria:
I don’t want to get the attention of a big thing.
Caspar:
I don’t want to get the attention of a small thing.
Gloria:
Zero things would be my choice.
Caspar:
Zero things sounds ideal. Chuck why do we need to find this thing?
Chuck:
It should not exist. There are cracks in the cosmos, Caspar. Things I cannot explain. And you have been traveling to the broken places. We can only find out together.
Gloria:
I want to talk to it.
Caspar:
Go for it.
Gloria:
“Cracks.” Things you can’t explain. Is there something... something broken?
Chuck:
Do you not feel that way, Gloria? Walking through a world of shattered glass? Of disconnected roads? Gaps too far to jump? Lives wasted? I see a woman. She stands in your diner. “Look around you. Do you see a thing done right or a thing done wrong?” Are you not, every day, living a tragedy?
Caspar:
Boy, Chuck is terrible at parties.
Gloria:
I did feel that way once. It’s different now.
Chuck:
Precisely. A field was applied. The unchangeable changed. There is a trail of these moments behind you. Now you chase another.
Gloria:
Something that needs to be changed.
Chuck:
Perhaps. But it is... formidable. Powerful. I do not know what will happen. I cannot find the outcome.
Zebulon:
My friends, I spoke before of how I feel we had been drawn together for a purpose.
Effie:
I believe we’ve all felt the wind blowing us in this direction for some time.
Leif:
What direction is that, exactly? What exactly are we talking about here?
Gloria:
We’re talking about Chuck’s plan.
Leif:
Chuck doesn’t have a plan.
Ava:
You said it yourself. There’s something big out there, we need to find it.
Leif:
How?
Ava:
Let’s ask Chuck.
Caspar:
Chuck, what’s the plan?
Caspar:
...
Caspar:
Chuck?
Caspar:
...
Caspar:
Chuck? Of course.
Gloria:
That’s it?
Leif:
What are supposed to do?
Ava:
That’s hilarious.
Ava starts writing notes.
Leif:
Chuck takes us all this way and then vaporizes?
Caspar:
Now that he’s gone, are we sure about the name Chuck?
Leif:
I feel like we just slipped on an unknowable banana peel into a ball pit of ambiguities.
Caspar:
You’re forgetting how fun ball pits are.
Effie:
What is a ball pit exactly?
Caspar:
It’s like it sounds, its a pit full of fun multicolored balls.
Effie:
Oh, that does sound fun.
Gloria:
Ava, what are you writing?
Ava:
(As she writes.) After a while — not long — you will no longer exist... and the woods and rocks and sky will continue, unchanged, for thousands of years after you... What is it that has called you so suddenly out of nothingness to enjoy for a brief while... a spectacle which remains quite indifferent to you?
Gloria:
What is that?
Ava:
Something I say to myself before I start a new project. Listen... we’re doing Chuck’s plan. I don’t know what it is but that just means that the first step of the plan is to figure out the plan. I just learned more in the past few minutes than I have in my entire life. I’m not stopping here. We’re doing Chuck’s plan.
Zebulon:
We are being called toward the mysteries. I believe we are on a path in a way we never have been before. We have been disparate. Desperate. Had our vision clouded by many distractions. But I feel our purpose sharpened now. I feel we are on our way.
Effie:
As do I. And for our thoughts to be well inline with Ava’s is either a sign of the end times, or proof of God’s calling.
Gloria:
Okay. Okay I’m in.
Leif:
I’m sorry, I guess it’s the engineer in me but I need something more than “3,2,1, TEAM!”
Ava:
Leif, the gravity wave detector I asked you to build, is it done?
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Okay. I want to be able to do a sky scan, the way the Planck does?
Leif:
Okay... Okay I’m going to need a few more parts but I can make that happen.
Ava:
Okay. So you’re in.
Leif:
Yeah, yeah I guess I am. You know what? Let me go look at the scrap. I need to do some inventory.
Ava:
Good.
Gloria:
What else do you need, Ava?
Ava:
I have a glass of wine, a pencil and a notebook. That’s all I need right now.
Gloria:
It starts like that?
Ava:
It’s how everything starts.
Gloria:
Okay. I’m going to go clean up the kitchen. Let me know when the mysteries of the universe have been unraveled.
Ava:
I will.
Gloria:
How about some music, Zeb?
Zebulon:
Wonderful idea.
Caspar:
...What are you doing?
Ava:
Making notes.
Caspar:
...Are You writing in Grote?
Ava:
No, I’m writing in math.
Caspar:
...What was that thing you were saying?
Ava:
It’s Schrodinger.
Caspar:
Is that the cat guy?
Ava:
Yes, Caspar. He’s one of the most brilliant physicists in history but let’s call him “the cat guy”.
Caspar:
I’m just saying, if you want to be known for your physics, don’t put a cat in one of your things, cause then you’ll just be the cat guy.
Ava:
...You are the only one who has not agreed to the plan.
Caspar:
Did I not?
Ava:
No.
Caspar:
...We can do whatever you want.
Ava:
...I may not like this new agreeable version of you.
Caspar:
It’ll fade.
Ava:
Good.
The sound of the rushing of space time swells.
Bertbert:
(Being recorded.) I’m trying to wrap my head around this. You climb aboard this diner, you see these amazing things, go to amazing places but, in doing so you have to leave your entire life behind, perhaps never to see it again. A lot of people wouldn’t do that, it would be too much to bear. Why do you?
Ava:
(Being recorded.) Because I was born in St. Louis.
Bertbert:
I don’t understand.
Ava:
Against my will, I was born in St. Louis. Against my will, I was born to my mother. I did not choose the atoms of my body, I did not choose the neurons in my brain, I did not choose the year I was born, I did not choose the world I was born into.In this life there is such a narrow valley of things that are my own choosing, and it makes me furious. It means the things I can choose are the most important things. So I choose this. In an act of rebellion against an existence that chooses so much for me against my will, I choose to pull up the skirt of the cosmos and give everybody a free show.We will know the secrets of existence. We will know the code of the cosmos. People will look up into the stars and will feel wonder without fear. We will know the nature of all things, and we will be at peace. And on that day, and that day alone... I will finally have had my revenge...
Midnight burger shoots off into the cosmos and the music swells.
End of season 2.