Young Leif

Part One: Bertiluna

The sounds of a sprawling space port.
Voice:
Welcome to Sirius-A, now sponsored by the Ted Empire. Be sure and visit our new Ted Mall, and get outfitted for your new intergalactic adventure.
Young Leif:
Holy shit…
A gigantic alien walks by.
Young Leif:
Uh, hey there. Hey could you tell me-
It grunts in an alien language and continues walking.
Young Leif:
Thanks… Nice to meet you…
Bertbert:
Hey.
Young Leif:
… Hi.
Bertbert:
You from Earth?
Young Leif:
Yeah, how could you tell?
Bertbert:
Because you look like an Earthling and you’re speaking English.
Young Leif:
Yeah. Dead giveaway. I’m Leif.
Bertbert:
Bertiluna. Call me BertBert.
Young Leif:
Nice to meet you BertBert.
Bertbert:
Pretty crazy, huh?
Young Leif:
Yeah, this is a lot.
Bertbert:
First time off world, I’m assuming.
Young Leif:
Yeah, we haven’t really mastered space travel, in fact we haven’t really mastered anything.
Bertbert:
Oh yeah, I know.
Young Leif:
Maybe you can help me, I’m supposed to go to the Ted Mall, some place called Triad Outfitters.
Bertbert:
Oh no. Don’t go there, that place is the worst. What kind of credit do you have?
Young Leif:
I just have this card.
Bertbert:
Ew, TedCreds, gross.
Young Leif:
Is that bad?
Bertbert:
It’s fine. It’s like a gift certificate for a shitty store.
Young Leif:
Oh. Bummer.
Bertbert:
You know what? I think I can help you out.
Young Leif:
Oh yeah?
Bertbert:
How do you feel about shady business transactions?
Young Leif:
Love em.
Bertbert:
Perfect. Follow me, Leif.
Young Leif:
Cool.
They walk.
Young Leif:
You’re speaking English.
Bertbert:
Yeah. A lot of us do out here.
Young Leif:
Really?
Bertbert:
We really like your television. It’s hard not to at least pick up a phrase or two.
Young Leif:
Our television? Really? All the way out here?
Bertbert:
Oh yeah. My favorite’s Murphy Brown, what’s yours?
Young Leif:
I actually don’t watch a lot of television. I didn’t have one when I was a kid, so…
Bertbert:
You don’t watch television? What a waste of being an Earthling.
Young Leif:
I get that a lot. Apparently I can catch up now.
Bertbert:
So where are you headed?
Young Leif:
Fuck. I have no idea.
Bertbert:
That’s not a bad place to be in. I kind of don’t know either.
Young Leif:
Why is that?
Bertbert:
Okay, stop here for a minute.
Young Leif:
What are we doing?
Bertbert:
Acting casual.
Young Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Then we’re looking to the left and to the right without anyone knowing that we’re looking left and right.
Young Leif:
And THEN what are we doing?
Rythmic knocking sound on metal. Door sliding open.
Bertbert:
Welcome to Trunder’s Down Under. Let’s go shopping.
Young Leif:
Sweet.
Music starts playing. People talking in alien languages.
Bertbert:
So there’s a place like this in every major station but you kind of have to look for it. It’s like a trading post. You can’t spend your TedCreds here but you can trade the card for stuff that’s actually useful.
Young Leif:
This place is awesome.
Bertbert:
Let’s get you outfitted for life in the Three Gs, Leif.
Young Leif:
The Three Gs?
Bertbert:
Three galaxies. Milky Way, Andromeda and Triangulum. You call it the uh…
Young Leif:
Local group.
Bertbert:
Local group, right. That’s your home now.
Young Leif:
Wow.
Bertbert:
First things first: You need a Tangle. Here.
Young Leif:
What is this?
Bertbert:
That’s everything. It’s a communicator, a personal computer, all your credits will be on there.
Young Leif:
Okay, is it a good idea for so much stuff to be in one device?
Bertbert:
No, it’s a terrible idea, Leif, but I think you’ll find these three galaxies are full of terrible ideas. Everybody has one so you need to have one, know what I mean?
Young Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
What else?
Young Leif:
Can I buy some music here? I brought some tapes but I’d like to listen to what people listen to out here.
Bertbert:
Buy? Music?
Young Leif:
Yeah.
Bertbert:
Oh right. You use tapes and discs and stuff.
Young Leif:
Well, yeah.
Bertbert:
Your Tangle also does that.
Young Leif:
Seriously?
Bertbert:
Yeah. Pretty much every song ever written on your planet is on there.
Young Leif:
Every song? In this thing?
Bertbert:
Yes.
Young Leif:
That’s amazing and also kind of disappointing. Why is it disappointing?
Bertbert:
Earthlings like things. I know what you mean though, somehow every song you ever wanted to hear magically coming out of nowhere is kind of a, what’s the word? Bummer?
Young Leif:
It is. I guess I like the rattle of a cassette tape. Now I have to get used to… well nothing at all. Music coming out of the air.
Bertbert:
Technically all music comes out of the air.
Young Leif:
Good point. Is there anything this thing can’t do?
Bertbert:
Yes, which is why you need this.
Young Leif:
This is… a sharp knife.
Bertbert:
Yes.
Young Leif:
What will I need this for?
Bertbert:
Sometimes when you’re out there among the stars you need complicated technology and sometimes you just need a pointy thing.
Young Leif:
Okay. Hey, do I get a phaser or a blaster or something like that?
Bertbert:
You really trust yourself with a phaser or a blaster, Leif?
Young Leif:
…No.
Bertbert:
That’s right. I’m going to take your TedCreds and trade them for the Tangle, the knife and then for some currency you can actually spend anywhere you want.
Young Leif:
Okay. You’re not a con artist are you?
Bertbert:
Do I look like a con artist to you?
Young Leif:
No.
Bertbert:
What do I look like?
Young Leif:
...You look great.
Bertbert:
Okay. I’ll be right back.
Young Leif:
… So tell me, Tangle, how do you work?
Tangle:
Hello. Please proceed with biometric sample.
Young Leif:
Whoa.
Tangle:
Biometric sample please.
Bertbert:
Ooop! No. Don’t do that!
Young Leif:
What is it asking for?
Bertbert:
You need to wipe it first.
Young Leif:
What do you mean?
Bertbert:
This has the preloaded Ted OS. You need to scrub it out
Tangle:
Biometric sample pl-
Young Leif:
What’s happening?
Bertbert:
There’s a button on here that they try and hide from you. It gets rid of the bad stuff.
Young Leif:
Bad stuff?
Bertbert:
Tracking ticks. Bio-sampling. Trust me.
Young Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Say something. Say a sentence.
Young Leif:
Uh...In 1970 Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.
Tangle:
Language calibration: Earth. Subgroup: American English. Variation: Northern California.
Young Leif:
Whoa.
Tangle:
What’s up? I’m your Tangle.
Young Leif:
Hi.
Tangle:
This is when you tell me your name.
Young Leif:
Oh. I’m Leif.
Tangle:
Hey Leif. So you can call me Tangle or you can customize my name.
Young Leif:
Oh, cool. Uh…
Tangle:
I know, it’s hard, right?
Young Leif:
Yeah.
Tangle:
If it helps you can customize my voice, too.
Young Leif:
No, this one’s good. How about Alice?
Alice:
Cool. I’ll answer to the name Alice from now on.
Young Leif:
Ok. Are you… always listening?
Alice:
I am.
Young Leif:
Any way I can turn that off?
Alice:
Nope. You’ll get used to it.
Young Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
You now have a Tangle.
Alice:
Is this someone I should know?
Bertbert:
Hi, Alice. Can you put me down as BertBert, subcategory “Leif’s First Space Friend”.
Alice:
Nice to meet you, BertBert.
Bertbert:
Okay, you’ve got your tangle, a knife, and I just got you some money.
Alice:
You just received 10,000 sills from Trunder’s Down Under at Sirius-A.
Young Leif:
What did I just get 10,000 of?
Bertbert:
Sills. It’s money from my planet, you can spend it pretty much anywhere.
Young Leif:
Am I rich?
Bertbert:
No. But you do have what Earthlings would call “Fuck You Money”.
Young Leif:
What does that mean?
Bertbert:
It means you’re good for a while.
Young Leif:
Alright. Thanks so much for doing this, BertBert.
Bertbert:
It’s no problem. How about you use some of that fuck you money and buy me a drink?
Young Leif:
Sure.
The scene shifts to inside an intergalactic bar with strange music playing.
Young Leif:
This is pretty amazing.
Bertbert:
Honestly, this place kind of sucks now. See, the Ted Empire took over control of this station a while back and they sucked all the life out of it, it’s no fun anymore.
Young Leif:
This is a pretty serious fantasy of a lot of Earthlings. “The bar in space”.
Bertbert:
Oh, right. Since that movie, right?
Young Leif:
“That movie”? Star Wars.
Bertbert:
Yeah. Didn’t like it.
Young Leif:
Wow...
Bertbert:
What?
Young Leif:
I’m not on Earth anymore.
Bertbert:
No, you’re not.
Young Leif:
Which means I feel comfortable saying this: I didn’t like Star Wars either.
Bertbert:
Really? Why not?
Young Leif:
It’s problematic.
Bertbert:
Because of the Ewoks?
Young Leif:
No. The robots.
Bertbert:
What about them?
Young Leif:
They’re sentient.
Bertbert:
Sure.
Young Leif:
But they’re forced to do jobs.
Bertbert:
...Sure.
Young Leif:
That’s not okay.
Bertbert:
Huh... You’re right.
Young Leif:
They’re slaves.
Bertbert:
I feel like that’s an extreme interpretation on your planet.
Young Leif:
This is why I can finally say it. Why don’t you like it?
Bertbert:
Well, I bet if I made a movie about living on Earth, you’d probably hate it right?
Young Leif:
You don’t know anything about living on Earth.
Bertbert:
Exactly.
Young Leif:
What are you drinking?
Bertbert:
Hippon. It’s from my planet, it’s kind of like wine.
Young Leif:
And what am I drinking?
Bertbert:
Dreg. It’s like beer. It’s from a planet called Trusk.
Young Leif:
So you know a lot about my planet. What about yours?
Bertbert:
Sigius. You should visit some time, it’s nice.
Young Leif:
What’s it like?
Bertbert:
We don’t have any huge land masses like you do. We’re a bunch of tiny islands. Lots of water, lots of volcanoes.
Young Leif:
Why’d you leave?
Bertbert:
I wanted to travel. See what’s out there. I’ll go back soon.
Leif laughs.
Bertbert:
What?
Young Leif:
I’m talking to an alien.
Bertbert:
I’M talking to an alien.
Young Leif:
I’m sitting at a bar having a drink with an alien.
Bertbert:
So are most people at this bar, Leif. There’s no aliens anymore, just a big mess.
Young Leif:
I’m in way over my head.
Bertbert:
I know. You’ll get used to it.
Young Leif:
On earth I was an engineer. A really good one.
Bertbert:
See, you’re a smart guy, you’ll adjust. If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you get here, Leif? There’s no way you got here on an Earth ship, Earth barely even has ships. You showed up at Sirius A with a pocket full of TedCreds so I’m assuming the Teds were involved somehow. Kinda weird.
Young Leif:
I made a deal.
Bertbert:
What was the deal?
Young Leif:
Apparently I’m not supposed to talk about it.
Bertbert:
Top secret, huh?
Young Leif:
I don’t know if it’s TOP secret, but it was part of the deal.
Bertbert:
I’m intrigued.
Young Leif:
I can’t tell you.
Bertbert:
Not even a little?
Young Leif:
No.
Bertbert:
Why not?
Young Leif:
Because I made a deal.
Bertbert:
But we’ve been through so much together.
Young Leif:
I made a deal.
Bertbert:
Fine. Sorry, you were talking about how you feel like an idiot.
Young Leif:
You know what I’ve seen so far?
Bertbert:
Tell me.
Young Leif:
I’ve been on a ship that was going… I don’t even know how fast it was going and I felt nothing. No inertia. I’m sitting in a chair right now being pulled down by gravity. There shouldn’t be any gravity right now because I’m on a space station. I came here through a stable wormhole. I don’t know how any of this works.
Bertbert:
Neither do I.
Young Leif:
But I’m an engineer. And I don’t design car engines, I’m a physics engineer. I solve incredibly complicated problems by building things. I was one of the smartest guys on my planet.
Bertbert:
Look at you.
Young Leif:
And I feel like an idiot now. I feel like I know nothing.
Bertbert:
Well, if you’re such a smart guy then you’re still a smart guy, you just need to play catch up for a while.
Young Leif:
Yeah, I guess so. You said you didn’t know where you were headed either?
Bertbert:
No. I’m on a Sinder.
Young Leif:
What is that?
Bertbert:
When people on my planet reach a certain age sometimes they go on a Sinder. We travel around for a while.
Young Leif:
So backpacking through Europe is a thing even in space, huh?
Bertbert:
Backpacking through Europe... American Werewolf in London?
Young Leif:
That’s right.
Bertbert:
Yeah, it’s a thing. No werewolves though... There aren’t actually any werewolves on Earth, right?
Young Leif:
No.
Bertbert:
I didn’t think so.
Young Leif:
...So you saw me and just decided to take me under your wing, huh?
Bertbert:
You did look pretty out of sorts. You know what? I’m going to go order us some food.
Young Leif:
You’re going to surprise me, aren’t you?
Bertbert:
I am.
Young Leif:
And you’re going to deliberately get me something weird. Something that’s still alive.
Bertbert:
No. Don’t be ridiculous. It will probably be made from some sort of fungus though.
Young Leif:
Great.
Bertbert:
Be right back.
Young Leif:
Okay...
Young Leif:
... Hey Alice?
Alice:
Hi there.
Young Leif:
So, I can ask you things and then you just tell me the answer?
Alice:
Yeah, sure. Within reason. Don’t ask me top secret things, I’m not allowed to know those.
Young Leif:
She said she was from Sigius. Tell me about Sigius.
Alice:
Sigius. A habitable planet in the Galaxy Andromeda. Known throughout The Triad as innovators in geothermal energy and staunch defenders of journalistic integrity.
Young Leif:
That’s an odd combo. What’s going on there?
Alice:
Sigius is one of six planets known as “The Original Coalition”. At the dawning of the intergalactic age six planets established contact with each other. Sigius, Greedon-4, Septsu, Urt, Vapus-10, and Garrion. They didn’t have the technology to travel to each other but did have the technology to talk to one another. It began a period of unparalleled scientific and cultural exchange. To this day, these planets are regarded as... kind of snobs.
Young Leif:
Oh really?
Alice:
Well, I’m dumbing it down a little bit. My protocols don’t have much on humans but what I do know is that you’re kind of dummies and I should keep it simple.
Young Leif:
Your protocols are correct.
Alice:
The Original Coalition are a center of intellectual prowess without much political power. One of those areas of intellectual prowess is journalism.
Young Leif:
So she comes from “Planet Journalism”?
Alice:
More like she comes from “Planet Geothermal Energy” and journalism is what they do with all the free time that unlimited energy affords them.
Young Leif:
Got it...
Alice:
What’s wrong, Leif?
Young Leif:
Sticking with the “Backpacking through Europe” analogy... If I was in a foreign country and an attractive woman came up to me and expressed sudden interest out of the blue, I should maybe beware.
Alice:
Oh, okay. You think she’s a pickpocket or something?
Young Leif:
I don’t know what she is. She said she was on a Sinder, what is that?
Alice:
Well, it’s interesting. To someone from Sigius, a Sinder is a period in young adulthood when one leaves the home planet and travels throughout The Triad to build character.
Young Leif:
And what is it to everyone else?
Alice:
To everyone else it’s the Sigians being nosey. Many people think that a Sinder is actually a long fact-finding mission. When a young Sigian is done with a Sinder, they report their findings to the Sigian Council of Truth and Understanding.
Young Leif:
She’s on the job right now.
Alice:
Maybe? After spending time on a Sinder, Sigians will then transition into being full-fledged journalists who then depend on information brought to them by those on a Sinder.
Young Leif:
She’s an intern at the Washington Post is what you’re telling me.
Alice:
Possibly?
Young Leif:
So there’s always young people from Sigius crawling all over the galaxies, collecting information for their home planet?
Alice:
It is quite common.
Young Leif:
What does she want with me?
Alice:
Hey, don’t ask me, I’m just an algorithm.
Bertbert:
Okay, food’s on the way and you’re going to think it’s gross.
Young Leif:
Great.
Bertbert:
So... we still haven’t solved the problem of what planet you’re going to first.
Young Leif:
I thought I would go to your home planet of Sigius and report my findings to the Sigian Council of Truth and Understanding.
Bertbert:
...
Young Leif:
...
Bertbert:
Shit.
Young Leif:
Yeah.
Bertbert:
I figured you’d find out eventually but I figured I had all kinds of time.
Young Leif:
This is good. You almost convinced me that outer space was a nice place full of nice people.
Bertbert:
I’m sorry.
Young Leif:
See you later, BertBert.
Bertbert:
No, Leif, come on.
Leif starts walking through the space station. Bertbert follows.
Bertbert:
Leif, let me apologize.
Young Leif:
I’m good. Thanks for the knife and the device. I guess I know why I need the knife now.
Bertbert:
Leif, you’re an Earthling. It’s weird that you’re off world, I had to look into it.
Young Leif:
You gave it your best shot.
Bertbert:
C’mon, Leif give me something.
Young Leif:
Why in the world would I do that?
Bertbert:
I don’t know, because you’re nice?
Leif stops.
Young Leif:
Look, no harm no foul. You’re just out here doing your thing. You go out into space, you collect information and you bring it back home. It’s what you do. I mean, it’s weird. It’s kind of mormon-ish but whatever, it’s your thing. But it’s not my thing. So I’m going to hop on the next ship to wherever and probably stop trusting people.
Bertbert:
Leif, you’re not going to last ten seconds out there.
Young Leif:
Oh yeah? Why is that?
Bertbert:
You don’t know what it’s like. I promise you you’re not ready for it.
Young Leif:
What makes you so sure?
Bertbert:
I looked up where you’re from when I was ordering the food. Northern California? Leif. It’s trees and the ocean and small towns... It’s nice. But it’s nothing like up here. You’re going to get eaten alive up here, Leif. Trust me. You need a friend.
Young Leif:
Friends don’t lie to each other.
Bertbert:
Yes they do, Leif. All the time... I think maybe you come from a place that’s really nice, so you’re probably expecting everywhere to be nice. And I think you might get hurt because of it... Look, was I investigating you a little bit? Yes. But it’s not because I want you to get hurt it’s because that’s what I do. Where I come from you don’t leave well enough alone. You go in. You investigate. It’s me. Just like this trusting attitude of yours is what you’re all about. It’s you.
Young Leif:
It’s me?
Bertbert:
Yes.
Young Leif:
... Is there anywhere I can smoke weed around here?
Bertbert:
Weed. This is... Marijuana?
Young Leif:
Yes.
Bertbert:
You brought Marijuana with you to space?
Young Leif:
Of course I brought Marijuana with me to space.
Bertbert:
Um...
Young Leif:
C’mon, you want me to trust you.
Bertbert:
Okay... okay follow me.
Scene shifts to an air transfer station. The low rushing of oxygen. A metal door opens.
Young Leif:
What is this place?
Bertbert:
Oxygen viaduct. If you smoke in here it will scrub the air before it gets into the main cabins.
Young Leif:
Nice. What are you doing?
Bertbert:
I’m looking up how Marijuana will effect me.
Young Leif:
You’re smoking with me?
Bertbert:
Yes, I am. Unless you’re going to be rude and not share your weird plant with me.
Young Leif:
Can’t you just ask?
Bertbert:
Yes, yes I can but... I guess I was embarrassed about asking in front of you.
Young Leif:
Alice, how will marijuana effect someone from Sigius?
Alice:
Sorry, no studies available.
Young Leif:
Well, I guess we’re about to conduct one. There’s some information you can take back with you to the mother brain.
Alice:
Council of Truth and Understanding.
Young Leif:
Sure.
Leif lights a joint and inhales.
Young Leif:
Hold it in your lungs for a second like this. Do you have lungs?
Bertbert:
Yes, Leif.
Young Leif:
Here you go.
Bertbert inhales and holds.
Bertbert:
How long?
Young Leif:
For you? Who knows?
Bertbert exhales.
Bertbert:
Now what happens?
Young Leif:
You turn green.
Bertbert:
Seriously, though.
Young Leif:
How would I know?
Bertbert:
...
Young Leif:
The design on this place isn’t great. I’ve been looking around. I have notes.
Bertbert:
It’s a relic. This station is a hundred years old, The Teds will probably replace it soon now that they run the place.
Young Leif:
A hundred years. A hundred years ago humans were calling cars horseless carriages.
Bertbert:
You’re a little behind.
Young Leif:
A bit.
Bertbert:
...Leif, I really am sorry.
Young Leif:
Sorry you got caught or sorry your were being nosey liar?
Bertbert:
... Sorry I was being a nosey liar.
Young Leif:
It’s fine.
Bertbert:
But my concern is genuine, okay? It’s not a movie out here. It’s dangerous. It’s no place for a kid from some forest wonderland.
Young Leif:
It’s funny what people assume.
Bertbert:
What do you mean?
Young Leif:
You looked up where I’m from. Forests? Ocean? Small towns?
Bertbert:
Yeah.
Young Leif:
Let me tell you where I’m really from. I’m from Humboldt County, California. It’s four thousand square miles of dense forests that are filled. And I mean FILLED with illegal, paranoid, violent, pot farmers.
Bertbert:
Seriously?
Young Leif:
I found a dead body when I was thirteen.
Bertbert:
Fuck!
Young Leif:
Seriously. In the middle of the woods. I ran back to tell my parents about it and they said “Don’t tell anyone. It may come back on us.”
Bertbert:
No way.
Young Leif:
My parents weren’t pot farmers. They were just old hippies. But they knew where they lived. And they knew there were some people you just didn’t talk to. I never learned that lesson. I got into some trouble here and there. It’s a lawless place, where I grew up. There’s police, but they know where they live, too. My childhood was spent streamlining the pot drying systems of weird dudes who always had a gun on them. Even when they slept.
Bertbert:
Okay. Well I made some assumptions, didn’t I?
Young Leif:
It’s okay. Everyone on Earth who doesn’t live there makes the same assumption about where I’m from. They just see the trees. Anyway, you’ve been trying to warn me about where I find myself for the last few minutes and all you’ve told me... is that I’ve come home... A lawless place full of weirdos.
Bertbert:
Why am I more worried about you now?
Young Leif:
Don’t be. I’m excited. Let’s go find me a ship.
Bertbert:
Ooooookay.
Transition to transport terminal three. Ships docking and disembarking.
Bertbert:
Turns out marijuana doesn’t affect me.
Young Leif:
Probably for the best. That was the last of it.
Bertbert:
So, what did you decide?
Young Leif:
I like that beer you gave me. So I decided to go there. Trusk.
Bertbert:
Hoo boy.
Young Leif:
What are Truskans like?
Bertbert:
Um. Huge. And intimidating. They’re herbivores though, so they wont eat you.
Young Leif:
Great.
Bertbert:
Y’know, a lot of them, deep down, total sweeties.
Young Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Just don’t ever insult their mother, because then they have to kill you.
Young Leif:
Wow. Okay... What are you reading?
Bertbert:
Breaking news from Earth.
Young Leif:
What’s going on?
Bertbert:
Uh... Somebody named Kurt Cobain just killed himself... why is that breaking news?
Young Leif:
...Fuck.
Bertbert:
I’m sorry. Did you know him?
Young Leif:
No... Nobody did.
Bertbert:
There’s candlelight vigils in a bunch of cities.
Young Leif:
Damn, Kurt... Well, it’s official. There’s nobody cool left on Earth.
Bertbert:
... Hey, you have my ID on your Tangle. If I’m nearby we can talk in real time. If not you can leave me a message and I’ll get it.
Young Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Can I check in on you sometimes? Are we at that level?
Young Leif:
We can be at that level. Sure.
Bertbert:
Good... I really am sorry about the lying, Leif.
Young Leif:
Don’t be. You were just doing your thing. I’m going to go do my thing for a while.
Bertbert:
Don’t do it too hard.
Young Leif:
It’s good to meet you, BertBert. I wont be a stranger.
Bertbert:
Goodbye, leif.
Leif walks off into the chaos.
End of part one.