We're currently in beta! If you find any mistakes in the scripts, please copy the link and send it to
issues@podscripts.app so we can fix it.
MIDNIGHT BURGER
Chapter 19: Battle Without Honor or Humanity.
Sound of a massive battle in deep space. Yes, I know there’s no sound in space. Shut up.
Caspar:
… And that’s how we wound up here.
Gloria:
Robot cowboys?
Zebulon:
Bethany Elliot?
Shel:
So who are these guys?
Everyone Else:
Aaah!
Caspar:
Who’s the ficus?
Gloria:
What, we’re not allowed to make friends?
Leif:
Wait, who were you breaking out of the Ted Homeworld?
Caspar:
Where is-
Bertbert:
(Inside the ship.) I can recall several arguments about adding seat belts… oh. Hello everyone.
Leif:
Berts?
Bertbert:
Hey Leif. Still a fucking asshole?
Ava:
Can confirm.
Even Older Leif:
Listen up, folks. The gang’s all here. We can get caught up later.
Shel:
Leif, is that your dad?
Bertbert:
No.
Caspar:
Why the hell did the diner drop you in the middle of a fire fight?
Gloria:
We don’t know. Another long story.
The Ex:
We’re in between two ships trying to destroy each other, should we be doing this in the parking lot?
Gloria:
You are NOT coming inside.
The Ex:
Gloria, come on, I’m nice now.
Effie:
That’s what Satan would say.
Ted:
(In the radio.) Welcome to the party Nancy Sinatra. All the fish are just jumping into my boat now, aren’t they?
Caspar:
How is he talking through the radio?
Effie:
We don’t know but we know it ain’t right.
Caspar:
Ted, is that you?
Ted:
Jesus Christ.
Caspar:
Ted! You’re okay!
Ted:
I cannot fucking believe this.
Caspar:
I know! What a world! How was the escape pod?
Ted:
Oh, super comfortable, thanks. You know what else will be super comfortable? The block of chemical ice I’m going to freeze you in!
Caspar:
Ted, I feel like you haven’t mellowed, I feel like you’ve learned nothing since we last spoke, where’s the growth, Ted?
Ted:
Let’s have a nice, long conversation about it while I target your parking lot with a Void Torpedo!
Effie:
Sir, you are not welcome in this radio!
Ted:
I’ll decide-
Static crackles
Effie:
Well I’ll be, I think that did it.
Caspar:
Okay, everyone inside, here we go.
Door chime.
Shel:
Are we going to be any safer inside?
Caspar:
That thing’s going to freak me out the whole time, isn’t it?
Gloria:
They’re name is Shel.
Zebulon:
They are a tree.
Caspar:
Okay, whatever. I know that’s a Ted ship, what is it fighting with?
Leif:
Låfftrax.
Caspar:
The space pirate? Seriously?
The Ex:
Looks like the pirates are saving our asses at the moment, I wouldn’t complain too much.
Gloria:
Can she not talk? It’s freaking me out.
The Ex:
Hey.
Caspar:
What does the friggin Space Pirate want with us?
Gloria:
They want our doomsday device.
Bertbert:
Doomsday device?
Caspar:
There’s a doomsday device now?
Gloria:
We may have picked up a doomsday device along the way.
Caspar:
Where in the- oh wait, don’t tell me, from the secret hardened criminal.
Leif:
Listen-
Caspar:
Is this the purple thing?
Gloria:
That’s the Purple Nullifier. There’s also a doomsday device.
Leif:
How’d you know about the Purple Nullifier?
Caspar:
There’s two doomsday devices?
Leif:
The Purple Nullifier isn’t a doomsday device it’s just a bomb.
Caspar:
Leif, I swear to God the words “Just a bomb” came out of your mouth. How does that feel?
Even Older Leif:
Is this the Ted Slayer?
Leif:
Yeah.
Even Older Leif:
Nice, you actually built it, huh?
Caspar:
No shop talk. What is the Ted Slayer?
Gloria:
Seriously, you called it the Ted Slayer?
Leif:
Well that’s what it does.
Caspar:
What are you talking about?
Leif:
It’s a computer virus, it unravels the Ted Empire from the inside out.
Gloria:
But we talked about it a lot and we decided that we shouldn’t use it.
Caspar:
You shouldn’t use it?
Gloria:
No.
Caspar:
Okay, I need you to focus on this next question very carefully: What?
Zebulon:
It’s awful nice to have everyone back together again, isn’t it dear?
Effie:
Its real nice, Husband.
Gloria:
The negatives outweigh the positives.
Caspar:
How heavy are these negatives exactly?
Gloria:
Mass starvation. Plague.
Caspar:
Okay, that sounds bad, but there’s a very big ship floating outside, Gloria.
Gloria:
I can see the ship.
Caspar:
It’s the size of Sri Lanka, Gloria.
Gloria:
Caspar-
Caspar:
And let me tell you about this thing, you may have heard of it, it’s called chemical ice.
Gloria:
I’ve heard of it.
Caspar:
Leif, you’re a criminal, have you ever been frozen in Chemical Ice?
Leif:
Twice.
Caspar:
Twice!
Even Older Leif:
Six times.
Caspar:
Six times over there. Would we recommend being frozen in chemical ice?
Leif:
No.
Even Older Leif:
It’s not great.
Caspar:
So we’re all on the brink of being frozen in chemical ice and we have the thing that can stop that but we’re not using it?
Gloria:
Yes.
Caspar:
I would like to fill out a comment card, please.
Gloria:
It wouldn’t just fuck the Teds, Caspar it would fuck everybody. If the warp gates shut down, everybody suffers. We talked about it, we argued about it, this is what we decided.
Caspar:
… Okay.
Gloria:
Okay?
Caspar:
Okay. Okay, if that’s the way it is, then okay. We’ll figure something else out.
Gloria:
Seriously?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Låfftrax:
(In the radio.) Hey Leif. Look at all the cannons I’m firing right now. I think it’s all-… is it all the cannons?… Yeah, it’s all of them, isn’t it crazy?… Leif? Leif are you there? C’mon don’t be like that, it’s your old pal Låfftrax.
Effie:
We have invited exactly zero people into this radio with us.
Zebulon:
All of a sudden it’s like the town hall.
Gloria:
Leif, please talk to the Space Pirate.
Leif:
Låfftrax, I’m not giving you the Ted Slayer.
Låfftrax:
Are you sure? It kinda feels like you’re gonna give it to me.
Leif:
I’m not.
Låfftrax:
But you are though.
Leif:
Nobody is getting it, Låfftrax.
Låfftrax:
Let me do some math. I want the boom boom device. I’m the only thing standing between you and the Teds turning you into a popsicle. Sounds like I get whatever I want right now.
Leif:
I’m not going to watch you plunge three galaxies into chaos, Låfftrax.
Låfftrax:
Okay but counterpoint: I’m going to kill all your friends.
Leif:
Minsky already tried that, it didn’t work.
Låfftrax:
Right. Let’s get him in here, guys where’s Minsky?… Oh, I killed him? Apparently I killed him. How did I kill him?… Meat grinder? Wow. I guess I threw him in the meat grinder… Did I kill him first and throw him in there? No? Just shoved him in there alive, huh? Damn. Dark, guys. Dark. Okay, never mind on that.
Leif:
Låfftrax, listen. I’m not giving you the Ted Slayer, but if you can get us out of this jam I will come back and work for you.
Låfftrax:
Oh yeah?
Caspar:
Whoa.
Effie:
You most certainly will not.
Gloria:
Leif, what the fuck?
Leif:
We need some way out of this.
Shel:
Leif, I don’t know what a pirate is but I’m pretty sure I don’t want you to be one.
Zebulon:
I do not approve this plan.
Caspar:
Zebulon does not approve this plan, Leif.
Bertbert:
Leif, absolutely not.
Leif:
Am I the only one who knows how fucked we are right now? Two ships out there. Both of them filled with the worst of The Triad. One ship wants to kill us, the other one will if we don’t meet it’s demands. This is the most fucked we’ve ever been.
Zebulon:
Leif, I’ve read many a pirate story in my youth and I feel as though these pirates are not the sort to go adventuring for buried treasure.
Effie:
All while adorned with a colorful bird of some kind.
Zebulon:
They appear to have eliminated those delightful aspects.
Effie:
But kept all of the killin’.
Gloria:
Even Older Leif can you talk some sense into him please?
Even Older Leif:
I’d give it a shot, Gloria, but I’m not getting through to him. See, the young man has himself a little theory, don’t you, Buster?
Caspar:
What is he talking about?
Leif:
… I think I’m the reason that The Teds know about the diner.
Gloria:
What do you mean?
Leif:
Way back when, right before I came here. I had just quit working for Låfftrax. I think The Teds were following me, hoping that I would lead them back to Låfftrax. All the pirates in the system were looking for me. I was on the run.
Ava:
And then suddenly there was a diner.
Leif:
Yes… I think the Teds were watching me the first time I ever walked in here. Which means they saw the diner disappear and I’m sure it all started from there. Guys all of this could be my fault. All of it. It makes me sick to think I’ve gotten you all into this mess… I wanted to be someone else, so when I got here I just started acting like the guy that I wanted to be. But I guess that’s just not how things work.
Ted:
(In the radio.) And I’m back. Hey, just caught the tail end of that. Wanted to jump in here real quick guys. Leif is totally right. We know about the diner because of him. He’s the only reason it’s even a thing for us. That’s a pretty big ouch, Leif. Does it burn?
Gloria:
Leif-
Leif:
Look, it’s fine. I’ve worked for Låfftrax before, I can do it again. At least with the pirates I won’t have to act like someone I’m not. I guess that’s all I was doing around here anyway.
Effie:
Leif, we are not letting you go.
Even Older Leif:
Doesn’t matter, Effie. Låfftrax isn’t going to go for it anyway.
Låfftrax:
Yeah, Leif, I’ve decided, no.
Leif:
Fuck.
Låfftrax:
Look, Honeybear, I miss the crap out of you. We had a lot of fun. Remember that time you flooded an entire city?
Ava:
Jesus, Leif.
Leif:
Goddamn it.
Ted:
I remember that. Wiped out several neighborhoods just to rob a bank. What a guy!
Låfftrax:
Good times all around. But the thing is, I’m really excited about all this chaos I’m going to create when you give me the boom boom box, it’s really going to elevate my piracy game.
Ted:
What is this box again?
Låfftrax:
Hey! I’m talking here! Y’know what? Y’know what I’m going to do? Remember that beamy-downy thing you told me not to buy because it was too dangerous? Well… oops, I bought it! I’m going to beam down there.
Leif:
No, don’t do that.
Låfftrax:
Really excited to meet your new friends.
Leif:
Låfftrax!
Ted:
Oh, man. This is perfect. Literally every criminal I want to capture is about to be in the same place. Did I win a sweepstakes? Do you guys have a comically large check for me?
Gloria:
Alright, everybody over to Ava’s booth, I’m sick of shithead listening to us.
Effie:
Sir. I do not appreciate you speaking out of our radio, We consider it a violation.
Ted:
Oh no. A violation? How many demerits?
Zebulon:
Those who impede a holy path never fair well, Theodore.
Ted:
Oh yeah? What have you got for me? Locusts? Frogs? None of those work in space, you hayseeds.
Effie:
Oh we’re going to come up with something, just you wait.
Ted:
Yeah, sorry, you’re not going to be able to loaves and fishes your way out of this problem.
Beeping
Bertbert:
This is BertBert broadcasting on The Undersignal. I am currently onboard Midnight Burger on the outer rim of Triangulum. We appear to be caught in a naval battle between a Ted Battle cruiser and the dreaded Alex P Keaton, the flagship of the pirate Låfftrax. Despite our precarious situation, the true danger lies beyond us. For as long this reporter can remember The Ted Empire has denied conducting experiments with time crystals, the same objects responsible for the implosion and destruction of Vapus10 in Andromeda. Vapian refugees still to this day recall with horror the destruction of their planet from the volatile time crystals and science councils across The Triad have banned their use. Despite all that, here I stand looking upon a gargantuan construction that is allegedly fueled by these dangerous objects.
Caspar:
… So, what do pirates like to eat?
The Ex:
Wait, this is good, actually. When the space pirate gets here I can threaten them, y’know, physically.
Gloria:
You can?
Caspar:
Yeah, quick update, guys, Ex is actually incredibly powerful to the point that it’s fucking terrifying but none of that matters.
The Ex:
It doesn’t?
Caspar:
No. What are you going to do? Kill Låfftrax?
The Ex:
No, but they don’t know that.
Caspar:
They’re just going to call your bluff. If you killed Låfftrax then the pirate ship and the Ted ship would want to kill us.
The Ex:
Being powerful should be more fun.
Ava:
I think we need to start getting in a headspace where can give the doomsday device to the Space Pirate, guys.
The Ex:
I think you’re right, Ava.
Ava:
Don’t talk to me, Uncanny Valley.
The Ex:
Jeez!
Gloria:
Okay look, regardless of what’s going on outside, we’re about to have a customer. Can someone please tell me anything about Låfftrax?
Bertbert:
They’re a mass murderer.
Gloria:
Great.
Bertbert:
The best Earth equivalent would be a cross between Tony Montana, Mama Rose, and Genghis Khan.
Gloria:
Even better.
Bertbert:
Every ounce of crime in the Triad goes through Låfftrax, they’re the only thing more terrifying than The Teds.
Leif:
And don’t be distracted by the laughter.
Caspar:
The laughter?
Leif:
They’re obsessed with American sitcoms. They had me make them a device that plays automatic audience reactions.
Door chime.
Låfftrax:
What’s up everybody?
The crowd goes wild.
Låfftrax:
This looks like a fun group. What are you guys talking about? Is it me? I bet it’s me. Is it me?
Laughter.
Leif:
Låfftrax, listen-
Låfftrax:
There he is! Leif you big asshole! Come over here I’m gonna smack you on your Fanny!
Laughter.
Leif:
Låfftrax we’ve gotta talk about this.
Låfftrax:
Well hang on there, schnuckums. Aren’t you going to introduce me to you friends? Let’s go around the room here. Who’s the Begonia?
Shel:
Hi.
Låfftrax:
Oh, shit, it talks.
Laughter.
Låfftrax:
Boy, plants really do liven up the place don’t they?
More laughter.
Låfftrax:
Who’s next?
Gloria:
Can we skip to the part where you threaten us please?
Låfftrax:
Oh hey. I know you, you’re the one whose been turning the system into a spicy fiesta.
Laughter.
Gloria:
Jesus christ.
Låfftrax:
Hey since you’re in charge around here how about you make Leif give me my boom boom box back.
Ted:
Is it a jewelry box? What’s in the box?
Låfftrax:
Hey. Shut up you. Go win a battle.
Laughter.
Caspar:
He can’t give it to you.
Låfftrax:
Who are you?
Caspar:
Caspar.
Låfftrax:
What do you do around here?
Caspar:
Never been sure exactly.
Låfftrax:
Seems to me it’s pretty clear, Jasper. Låfftrax wants box. Leif gives Låfftrax box.
Caspar:
I understand that but unfortunately you’ve created a situation where it’s in our best interests to not give you the box.
Låfftrax:
I’ve what now?
Caspar:
If we give you the box then you leave, right?
Låfftrax:
True.
Caspar:
And if you leave then there’s no one to stop the Teds from coming to get us.
Låfftrax:
I’m listening.
Caspar:
So then we can’t give you the box because you’re the only person keeping us alive. And you can’t threaten it out of us because you tried that already? Is that correct?
Leif:
Yes.
Caspar:
You tried that already.
Låfftrax:
Huh. Are you SURE I can’t threaten it out of you?
Leif:
No.
Låfftrax:
What if my threats are really REALLY terrifying?
Laughter.
Zebulon:
Captain Låfftrax, we have already weathered the storm of threats upon our lives over this box you speak of. We may not be much to speak of but our position is unwavering.
Ted:
The suspense is killing me, guys. What’s in the box, is it beanie babies?
Effie:
WILL. YOU. GET. GONE.
Static buzz.
Effie:
I believe I’ve banished him again.
Gloria:
Låfftrax, you can threaten us all you want. We’re not going to let other people suffer just to save our asses.
Låfftrax:
Huh. Well now I’m bored. Kind of regretting killing my lawyer right now.
Gloria:
No, that was the right call.
Låfftrax:
Alright, Låfftrax needs to have a think. Who’s the old guy.
Even Older Leif:
It’s me, Låfftrax.
Låfftrax:
Me who? Wait… no.
Even Older Leif:
Yep.
Låfftrax:
Leif?
Even Older Leif:
Yep.
Låfftrax:
But you’re over there too.
Even Older Leif:
I am.
Låfftrax:
Did you go back in time?
Even Older Leif:
I’m afraid I did.
Låfftrax:
Leif, you adorable little dumbass!
Even Older Leif:
You always told me.
Låfftrax:
I did. I always did. What did I always say about time travel?
Even Older Leif:
“What’s wrong with right now?”
Låfftrax:
What’s wrong with right now. Exactly. Right now is great! I mean, not for any of you, you’re probably all screwed but for me it’s great! What’s the point of going back in time to try and patch things up with your girlfriend?
Leif:
That’s not… she wasn’t my girlfriend.
Bertbert:
Wait, what?
Låfftrax:
Uh oh. Awkward.
Bertbert:
What are they talking about?
Låfftrax:
You know how when people get drunk there’s that one thing they can’t shut up about?
Leif:
Please stop.
Låfftrax:
For Leif it was his master plan to build a time machine so he could go back and patch things up with a certain someone.
Ooooooooooooooooh.
Bertbert:
You’re kidding me.
Låfftrax:
Låfftrax is, famously, historically, not a gossip but I can tell you that her name started with a “Bert” and ended with a “Bert”.
Laughter.
Bertbert:
Amazing.
Leif:
I was drunk.
Effie:
That actually sounds a little sweet, doesn’t it dear?
Zebulon:
Could he not have patched things up in the present?
Bertbert:
No, he couldn’t have because that would mean taking responsibility for his actions, and I think we all know how he is with that, don’t we?
Leif:
Berts come on.
Bertbert:
I’m not talking to you I’m talking to the radio people!
Zebulon:
I appear to have stepped in an anthill on this one.
Effie:
Multiple stings upon your toes.
Låfftrax:
Wow, look at this old bastard. Leif, you do not age well.
Leif:
Thanks.
Even Older Leif:
There may be some chips on the paint, but the engine’s running just fine.
Låfftrax:
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Mind if I sit?
Even Older Leif:
Please.
Låfftrax:
So, you came back in time and just decided to stay huh? Relive your glory days?
Even Older Leif:
Yeah, I thought I’d check in, see how things were going in this timeline. You know, I finally went to Menlor.
Låfftrax:
You did?
Even Older Leif:
Yep.
Låfftrax :
The robot cowboys?
Even Older Leif:
Yep.
Låfftrax :
How did it go?
Even Older Leif:
Not the way you’d expect.
Låfftrax:
Damn. That would’ve been a thing. Space Pirate Cowboys. You know I love a good cultural mashup.
Even Older Leif:
I know that you do.
Låfftrax:
Well, Antique Leif. Låfftrax is in a bit of a pickle.
Even Older Leif:
Seems that way.
Låfftrax :
He’s not going to give me the box is he?
Even Older Leif:
Nope.
Låfftrax:
And he’s got to say the magic words to make the box open, right?
Even Older Leif:
It’s true.
Låfftrax:
What kind of a world are we living in where threats of violence don’t do the trick any more?
Even Older Leif:
It’s a tragedy.
Caspar:
(Under his breath.) While Låfftrax is distracted we need a plan B.
Gloria:
There was no plan A.
Leif:
Theres two battleships fighting outside our doors, something’s going to give any second now.
Caspar:
BertBert is there anyone in the area you can contact? Anyone who can help us out?
Bertbert:
We’re on the outer rim of Triangulum there’s nothing out here.
Shel:
Gloria?
The Ex:
Are we making secret plans?
Gloria:
Still too soon with you okay?
The Ex:
I was an android obeying my programming.
Gloria:
Stand over there.
Shel:
Gloria?
Gloria:
What is it, Shel?
Shel:
If the pirate wants something that we don’t want to give them, is there maybe something else it wants?
Leif:
I tried offering myself.
Bertbert:
Not an even trade.
Leif:
Oh, come on.
Caspar:
Can we resolve personal beefs after we escape the evil empire, please? Fern here has a point.
Shel:
Shel.
Caspar:
Maybe there’s a third thing?
Shel:
What about the third thing outside?
Caspar:
What?
Shel:
There are the two big things outside shooting at each other and then the third thing.
Caspar:
The wind chimes.
Gloria:
Anybody know what it is?
Effie:
I myself am feeling a certain way about that ghostly construct in the distance. Nothin about it feels right.
Caspar:
When I was captured by Ted, he told me that that thing out there is what’s keeping the diner trapped in the present. Do you think there’s any way we can. I don’t know, knock it off line, or something? Maybe if we can destroy it we’ll just zip out of here, leave them to kill each other. BertBert do you know anything about it?
Bertbert:
It’s a massive secret. Something to do with time crystals.
Gloria:
What kind of Masters of the Universe bullshit?
Leif:
It’s a theoretical thing, I don’t do theoretical things.
Ava:
Waiting patiently over here at my booth.
Gloria:
What the hell is it?
Ava:
It’s not a crystal, first of all.
Gloria:
Crystal is right there in the title.
Ava:
A crystal, like the kind idiots wear around their neck, that’s an organized arrangement of atoms. A time crystal is an organized arrangement of time.
Gloria:
Okay, the universe is just making shit up now.
Ava:
Imagine a rocking chair. You push it and it rocks back and forth and then stops. If that rocking chair were a time crystal it’s natural state would be rocking back and forth.
Gloria:
How?
Ava:
You really want me to-
Gloria:
Never mind. Any chance we can get Låfftrax interested in that instead of the doomsday device? Is it dangerous? Can it kill people? That might be a good sell.
Bertbert:
It’s incredibly dangerous, it could be catastrophic.
Gloria:
That’s great.
Caspar:
Yeah, that might work actually.
Bertbert:
Did you hear what I just said?
Leif:
Låfftrax isn’t going to go for it, they’ve been obsessed with the Ted Slayer ever since I left.
Caspar:
Of course they are, plunging three galaxies into total chaos, that’s like Space Pirate Coachella.
Gloria:
We need to get Låfftrax off of the doomsday device and onto the time crystal thing. We need to convince them to destroy it.
Caspar:
How do we do that?
Gloria:
The Ted Slayer is great for Space Pirates. What we need is someone who is really good at taking a good thing and turning it into something bad…
Caspar:
…
Caspar:
Everyone appears to be looking at me.
The Ex:
Oh yeah, Buddy.
Zebulon:
You do have a tendency to turn a wedding into a wake, Caspar.
Caspar:
Okay, okay everyone, harsh but fair. Here I go. Pardon me, Låfftrax?
Låfftrax:
Jasper!
Laughter.
Caspar:
So, this doomsday device?
Låfftrax:
Oh? Has there been a change of heart?
Caspar:
No. But you’re going to have one.
Låfftrax:
Oh yeah? This sounds like a waste of time, I’m into it.
Caspar:
Just to make sure we’re on the same page, if someone uses this device then the entire Ted Empire unravels.
Låfftrax:
Sounds great right?
Caspar:
It really does, but then also, when the Teds unravel, so does The Triad, right?
Låfftrax:
Oh yeah.
Caspar:
Three galaxies full of chaos.
Låfftrax:
Just talking about it gets me excited.
Caspar:
Yeah, I don’t think you want that.
Låfftrax:
I don’t?
Caspar:
No. See, there was this guy on Earth. His name was Al Capone.
Låfftrax:
Okay.
Caspar:
He was a murderous psychopath who was riddled with syphilis.
Låfftrax:
Ooh. Swipe right.
Laughter.
Caspar:
He became incredibly powerful when America decided that it would be a great idea to ban alcohol. Did that stop people from drinking? No. All it did was create a lot of work for people who were good at skirting the law. With alcohol being illegal, Al Capone was able to create a criminal empire larger than anything anyone had ever seen.
Låfftrax:
You watch a lot of history shows right?
Caspar:
It’s true. See, Al Capone was only able to become Al Capone because he had laws to break. If you use this doomsday device then you win. No more Teds. You’d be the ruler of the triad.
Låfftrax:
I love this story.
Caspar:
What are you going to do with all the starving people?
Låfftrax:
What do you mean what am I going to do?
Caspar:
The Teds are pretty smart, Låfftrax. They suck, they’re the worst, everybody hates them. But they’ve insinuated themselves into peoples lives so deeply, that people can no longer function without them. So now, the way anyone feels about them is totally pointless. People are forced to just sit there and take it, because they have no other choice.
Låfftrax:
And this is an argument AGAINST destroying them?
Caspar:
It is. Because I say again, what are you going to do with all the starving people?
Låfftrax:
The fuck do I care?
Caspar:
Let ‘em starve, right?
Låfftrax:
Sure!
Caspar:
And there you are, you’re they ruler of an empire where everyone is dying. Does that sound like any fun to you?
Låfftrax:
No.
Caspar:
This is what I’m talking about.
Låfftrax:
Okay, fine. Uh... I turn on the warp gate for the planets that have the food and I let them sell it to me for a jacked up price. Now if you want to eat, you go through me.
Caspar:
Great. Let’s look at one of those planets as an example.
Låfftrax:
This is boring.
Caspar:
Stick with me. What’s that planet with all the fields?
Leif:
Menite?
Caspar:
Menite! A planet full of rolling fields of grain. Planet gluten, we used to call it. You turn on their warp gate so they can get you all the grain you want and then you turn around and sell it for, I’m thinking, a 500% price increase. In an effort to provide you with all the food that you demand, now everybody on Menite is a farmer. And when everybody’s a farmer, nobody does anything else. When people get sick there’s no doctors, when children are born, they’re born idiots because there are no more schools because everyone is out in the fields all day. You have now created a planet full of sick idiots in charge of feeding millions. When their machines break down, nobody can fix them, when plagues hit, there’s no one to heal them.
Låfftrax:
Fine, I’ll put some schools there or whatever and I’ll send them some doctors.
Caspar:
Great. Fantastic. Are you hiring the teachers?
Låfftrax:
No.
Caspar:
Right. Best to delegate. Ooof, that’s a big planet though, you’re going to need a lot of teachers and those teachers are going to need some organizational support so you’re going to have to create some sort of department of education. You’re cool with that, right?
Låfftrax:
Whatever.
Caspar:
Lot of people to take care of too. I mean we’re not talking about a handful of doctors we’re talking about thousands.
Låfftrax:
Okay.
Caspar:
I’m assuming you’re not going to hire them either which means you’ll have to delegate the responsibility of hiring the farmers, the doctors, and the teachers. But you know what? Who hires the person that hires the doctors and the teachers, is that you?
Låfftrax :
Still no.
Caspar:
Okay, then there’s going to need to be someone above the teachers and the doctors and the people who hire the teachers and the doctors.
Låfftrax:
Who the hell is that guy?
Caspar:
I’m thinking a prime minister. Someone to be in charge of the whole planet, someone who answers directly to you.
Låfftrax:
Fine. There, it’s handled.
Caspar:
One problem.
Låfftrax:
One, huh?
Caspar:
You see, what you don’t know is that on Menite, there’s a small faction of isolationists. They hated the Teds when they were in charge and now they hate you too. They work against you in the background, trying to convince people that you, a murderous Space Pirate, have no business taking the fruits of their hard work and leaving them with nothing. They hold late night meetings, then protests, then walkouts, then they are burning straw effigies if you in the town square! What do they call themselves, Leif?
Leif:
The Brotherhood of the Scythe.
Caspar:
The Brotherhood of the Scythe. I think we can both agree that a name like that is a marketing slam dunk, can’t we?
Låfftrax:
Then I have them killed.
Caspar:
How? You can’t find them. You don’t know anyone on this planet, they all look the same to you. You really want to spend your time rooting out rebellion on the wheat fields?
Låfftrax:
No.
Caspar:
Then what do you do, Låfftrax?
Låfftrax:
… Form a police force.
Caspar:
That’s right. Låfftrax the Pirate, career criminal, is hiring cops.
Låfftrax:
But I don’t want to hire cops.
Caspar:
Nobody does! But you don’t have a choice because there are people out there starving, and nobody wants to rule over a starving empire.
Låfftrax:
Fine. I’ll hire some cops.
Caspar:
Unfortunately they’ve just formed a union.
Låfftrax:
Already?!
Caspar:
Oh yes. Because they’re risking their lives every day and they feel that they deserve more pay than your giving them. Uh-oh, the teachers just found out about the police union. Now they’re unionizing too. They insist that they’re job is as important as the police.
Låfftrax:
It’s not though!
Caspar:
Try telling them that, Låfftrax, the children are the future!
Låfftrax:
No, they’re not!
Caspar:
Now the teachers aren’t teaching, the police aren’t policing, now the FARMERS have heard about the teachers and the police and now THEY’VE decided to get in on the actions, and you know what they say about farmers, Låfftrax, they’re ALLLLLLL fucking communists! Nobody’s teaching, nobody’s policing, nobody’s farming, and WHO in this time of chaos emerges from the wheat field, Låfftrax?
Leif:
The Brotherhood of the Scythe.
Caspar:
The Brotherhood of the Scythe! They’ve announced that they’re forming a legitimate political party!
Låfftrax:
How the hell did we get political parties?!
Caspar:
How the hell do we ever get political parties, Låfftrax!? They’re asking for free and fair elections.
Låfftrax:
Oh, gross.
Caspar:
They’re asking for a neutral third party to observe the free and fair elections!
Låfftrax:
No, dude!
Caspar:
They are asking… for paid vacation.
Låfftrax:
Oh God!
Caspar:
That’s right. A planet that you thought was going to be a cash cow has now become a cow that you can’t eat and can’t milk. You know what you call a cow that you can’t eat and can’t milk?
Låfftrax:
Nothing?
Caspar:
Nothing at all, Låfftrax. Just a big thing sitting there mooing. Annoying the shit out of you. You get all this from one planet. And you’ve just inherited millions of them. Millions of planets have gone from fearing you, to hating you. You used to be the most feared person in three galaxies and now? Now you’re just the boss, telling everyone you can’t afford Christmas bonuses this year. And you got all of this… because you won.
Bertbert:
Amazing.
Gloria:
It’s like he’s an artist and his canvas is misery.
Låfftrax:
Winning sucks.
Caspar:
It really does.
Låfftrax:
This restaurant is terrible.
Caspar:
Zero stars, for sure.
Låfftrax:
Well now what am I supposed to do?
Caspar:
Hear me out. See that big thing way out there?
Låfftrax:
It looks like wind chimes.
Caspar:
Yes. The Teds love that thing, Låfftrax. It’s their baby. It’s a top secret project that they’ve been working on for years. Let’s blow it up.
Låfftrax:
I like blowing things up.
Caspar:
Who doesn’t? I say you aim one of your big guns at that thing and really give The Teds a bad day.
Leif:
80 ton rail gun would do the trick.
Caspar:
80 ton rail gun? That sounds like a hum dinger.
Låfftrax:
Oooh. I never get to use the rail gun.
Caspar:
I’m getting excited just talking about it.
Låfftrax:
So if I blow that thing up, The Teds will hate it?
Caspar:
Oh yes.
Låfftrax:
Like, a LOT, hate it?
Caspar:
Absolutely.
Låfftrax:
… Look at you.
Caspar:
Me?
Låfftrax:
Let me tell you my favorite joke.
Even Older Leif:
Aw, fuck.
Låfftrax:
Three beekeepers walk into a bar. The first beekeeper says, “I have one hundred thousand bees and ten hives.” The second bee keeper says, “That’s impressive, but I have five hundred thousand bees, and twenty hives.” They turn to the third beekeeper and ask “How many bees do you have?”. “Oh, me?”, he says. “Well I have one million bees.” “One million bees?” They say. “That is very impressive. How many hives do you have?” And the third beekeeper says to them. “I have one hive.” “One hive?!” They say. “You have one million bees but only one hive?” And the third beekeeper says, “Yeah… fuck ‘em.”
Laughter.
Caspar:
I don’t-
Låfftrax:
I appreciate you trying to appeal to my common sense or whatever. That was fun. But here’s the deal… I’m a Space Pirate, cupcake. And I don’t give a shit. Leif gives me the boom boom box. This is not a negotiation.
Radio buzzing.
Ted:
And I’m back. FYI I can keep doing this, Effie.
Effie:
Aw snails!
Caspar:
Ted, you can’t keep this up forever.
Ted:
You’re right, how about I speed things up with a boarding party!
Ted bots crash down in the diner parking lot.
Ted:
You’re being evicted, dickwads!
Gloria:
Oh shit!
Låfftrax:
That’s cheating!
Leif:
Lock the doors!
Caspar:
Ex?
The Ex:
Yeah, I got it, hang on.
Door chime.
The Ex:
(Outside.) Aloha!
Tedbot:
Do not move.
The ex goes to town on the bots, ripping them to shreds.
Gloria:
Whoa.
Leif:
Oh my God.
Ava:
Heh. She’s got that one in a headlock.
Effie:
This is very enjoyable.
Zebulon:
She’s using the leg of one to beat the other ones.
Shel:
I like and am also scared of her.
Door chime.
The Ex:
Okay, we’re good.
Ted:
Wh… What the fuck was that? What the fuck just happened?
Caspar:
It’s kind of hard to explain, Ted. Suffice to say, it’s important to always end your relationships responsibly so that everyone gets the closure they need.
Ted:
What?
The Ex:
You. Space Pirate. Enough is enough.
Plasma gun powering up.
Låfftrax:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, there.
Gloria:
Gun!
Zebulon:
Oh my!
Låfftrax:
Back it up, Lizzie Borden-bot.
The Ex:
You know, whatever you’re pointing at me probably can’t kill me.
Låfftrax:
You come at me and I start killing your friends. Leif’s the only one I need alive. Leif, am I a pretty good shot with this thing?
Leif:
You’re the best.
Låfftrax:
That’s right. I can even do those fancy no-look trick shots. Wanna see?
Gloria:
Nobody wants to see. We all believe you.
Caspar:
Ex, stand down.
Låfftrax:
I’m keeping my eye on you.
The Ex:
Caspar, somebody has to do something.
Caspar:
I know. But nobody can. Ted, we’ve got a problem.
Ted:
I’m sorry, we? I don’t actually have a problem.
Caspar:
Yes you do, Ted. You saw what just happened to your boarding party. That’s going to happen to anyone who tries to get in here, because we have a secret weapon, hey Boo.
The Ex:
Hey.
Caspar:
So you can’t get in here, Låfftrax won’t leave and your two ships are just sitting out there shooting at each other. Here we all are, Ted. Locked up in each other’s bullshit. Nobody giving an inch, all of us getting nowhere. And we’ll grind away like this, convincing ourselves that we’re making progress but we’ll always just be right here. Until we all stop caring all at the same time.
Ted:
Are you making a personal appeal right now?
Caspar:
Yes.
Ted:
To whom? Me? Do you think I have any choice in what’s going on right now? Nobody makes choices in my world Buddy. The directives come through and we just do what we’re told.
Caspar:
Ted if this goes on long enough, we’re just going to jump away again. Then it starts again. You chasing us, us narrowly escaping. It could go on forever.
Ted:
No, it won’t go on forever. It’ll go like this: you keep running and we are always there, around every corner, slowly grinding you down. I don’t care what kind of secret weapon you have, you’ll all fuck up eventually. And we will pick you off one by one, until it’s down to just you again, Caspar. And then we’ll grab you too. And then it will just be an empty diner criss crossing the triad. And nobody will care. It won’t be dramatic. It’ll just be another thing decided for us. That’s how this ends.
Caspar:
Even your malevolence is boring, Ted.
Ted:
Boring but effective. That’s how we rule the cosmos. What’d you think? That this was some sort of final showdown? No such thing in my world. It all just keeps grinding on.
Caspar:
… These guys are the fucking worst.
Gloria:
Anybody have any other ideas?
Låfftrax:
Excuse me, waiter. Looks like we’re going to be a while. I’d like to order.
The Ex:
Leif, can your ship get me over to the Ted Ship.
Leif:
They’d see you coming.
The Ex:
But there’s a cloaking device right?
Leif:
The cloaking device is optical. They can still pick you up on scanners. You’d get blown out of the sky.
The Ex:
I really don’t like feeling helpless.
Caspar:
You wanted to learn about being human. Helplessness is really the first lesson.
Låfftrax:
Hello?
Shel:
Gloria, I’m going to go take Låfftrax’s order.
Gloria:
Why?
Shel:
Nothing is working, maybe being nice will work.
Gloria:
Sure. Sure, okay.
Caspar:
We should try anything at this point.
Shel:
Okay.
Bertbert:
This is not a bad situation to be in, right? We’re essentially in a stalemate with everyone. It beats the alternative.
Caspar:
The thought of having to run from the Teds for the rest of our lives sounds miserable.
Bertbert:
Yeah, well, welcome to The Triad, Buddy.
Shel:
Excuse me, Låfftrax, what would you like?
Låfftrax:
Hey, look at this, Baby Swamp Thing’s trying to take my order.
Laughter.
Even Older Leif:
Every restaurant needs a gimmick.
Låfftrax:
Do they have to prune you back in the winter time?
Shel:
I don’t know what that means.
Låfftrax:
“I don’t know what that means.” It’s adorable! Look at you, I want to wrap a string of popcorn around you and put an angel on your head.
Shel:
Can I please take your order?
Låfftrax:
Alright, calm down there, you little Kebler Tree, what’s good here?
Even Older Leif:
Can’t go wrong with the Monte Cristo.
Låfftrax:
Ooh. Sounds good. Two Monte Cristos please.
Shel:
Would you like coffee?
Låfftrax:
Well, sure. I hear the coffee is great here.
Shel:
Coming right up.
Låfftrax:
Should I not have ordered you a Monte Cristo? It’s not going to be too hard on your arteries, is it old timer?
Even Older Leif:
Would’ve been. Most of my arteries are gortex grafts at this point.
Låfftrax:
You know, I thought you’d had some work done. Where did you go?
Even Older Leif:
Zakynat.
Låfftrax:
I hear they’re great. I thought about getting a little nip and tuck here and there but I’m already such a Supertramp, right? How do you improve on perfection?
Even Older Leif:
So true.
Låfftrax :
We used to get around, you and I. You remember.
Even Older Leif:
I remember.
Låfftrax:
There was that bird lady. What was her name?
Even Older Leif:
B’jolanth.
Låfftrax:
She was a lot.
Even Older Leif:
I know.
Låfftrax:
You were with two Keets, at the same time, and didn’t know it.
Even Older Leif:
They all look alike.
Låfftrax:
Then the one with the poofy tail.
Even Older Leif:
Emma the Neko Queen.
Bertbert:
This is disgusting.
Leif:
I’m in hell.
Låfftrax:
She almost killed you, didn’t she? With a lamp?
Even Older Leif:
Yeah, but you can’t blame her. She was a good person we just couldn’t get on the same… frequency…
Låfftrax:
Uh oh. Did we lose him? Grampaw is the dementia kicking in?
Laughter.
Even Older Leif:
Excuse me for just one second boss.
Låfftrax:
Okay, come back soon, when I get bored I kill things.
Coffee pouring.
Effie:
Shel?
Shel:
Yes?
Effie:
Why am I smelling a scheme on you right now?
Shel:
It’s going to be fine.
The Ex:
Are you having a good time yucking it up with the pirate holding us all hostage?
Even Older Leif:
Sorry, am I impeding the incredible progress you’re all making in our predicament?
Caspar:
You’re not wrong.
Shel:
Here’s you’re coffee, Låfftrax.
Låfftrax:
Thanks, O, Tannenbaum.
Laughter.
Even Older Leif:
Hey, Doc. Mind if I have a seat?
Ava:
Sure.
Even Older Leif:
Good to see you again.
Ava:
Are you making small talk with me while we’re caught in the middle of a deep space naval battle?
Even Older Leif:
I’m shopping around for a theory.
Caspar:
Is it a theory that can get us out of this mess?
Even Older Leif:
I’m talking to my friend, here.
Caspar:
Jesus Christ.
Ava:
Don’t try and talk physics with me, Leif. You always embarrass yourself.
Even Older Leif:
Time crystals. They can’t be the power source for that thing out there.
Ava:
No, they can’t. Why is that Leif?
Even Older Leif:
Because you can’t gain any new energy from a time crystal.
Ava:
That’s right. And why is that?
Even Older Leif:
Because then you would be creating new energy. And you can’t create new energy in the universe, you can only move it from one place to another.
Ava:
In a universe set to infinity, you can’t add to infinity.
Even Older Leif:
Making infinity, in its way, finite.
Ava:
Well, look who’s still sucking in oxygen. Why are we talking about this?
Even Older Leif:
I think I have, unfortunately, figured it out.
Shel:
Låfftrax?
Låfftrax:
You’re hovering, there, Miracle Grow, I don’t like it when people hover.
Shel:
Låfftrax, that big gun that Leif was talking about, I need you to point it at the other big thing out there, just like Caspar said.
Låfftrax:
Oh, is that what you need?
Shel:
Yes.
Låfftrax:
And what makes you think I’m going to-
Shel:
BECAUSEIJUSTPOISONEDYOU.
Ghasps.
Gloria:
…
Leif:
…
Caspar:
…
Gloria:
What?
Leif:
What?
Ava:
What?
Låfftrax:
What the fuck did you just say to me?
Shel:
I just… poisoned you. Your coffee was poisoned.
Gloria:
Oh my god.
Låfftrax:
Poisoned. With. What?
Shel:
With me. I’m poisonous.
Ava:
What?
Gloria:
What?
Caspar:
Seriously?
Shel:
At the bottom of your coffee cup you’ll see a small piece of my outer carapace. It’s poisonous.
Coffee cup being turned over.
Låfftrax:
I feel fine.
Shel:
Are you sure, you’re sweating a lot.
Låfftrax:
Shut up, I am not.
Even Older Leif:
You actually are, Boss.
Låfftrax:
EVERYBODY SHUT UP.
Shel:
Numbness will start in your extremities and slowly move to your heart, or hearts depending.
Låfftrax:
Bullshit.
Shel:
How are your hands feeling?
Låfftrax:
…
Låfftrax:
You little mulch pellet!
Tables knocked over as Låfftrax lunges for shel.
Shel:
Don’t over exert yourself, your just going to speed up the poison!
Låfftrax:
There’s no way this hurts me MY LIVER IS THE SIZE OF A HAVALINA!
Shel:
It can kill something the size of that ship in the parking lot… you don’t have a lot of time, you have to do what I say.
Ava:
Dark fucking horse.
Plasma gun powering up.
Låfftrax:
I’m gonna kill you!
Leif:
Oh fuck!
Gloria:
Shel get behind me!
Låfftrax:
Everybody out of the way, it’s time for some herbicide!
Shel:
If you shoot me you won’t get the antidote!
Gloria:
Shel, what the fuck!?
Shel:
I’m sorry, somebody had to do something!
Låfftrax:
Okay FINE! Everybody dies, then!
Caspar:
Ex!
Shots ring out, everyone ducks for cover.
The Ex:
C’MERE!
Låfftrax:
WHOA! OOF!
A thud as the ex pins Låfftrax to the ground.
The Ex:
Now you stay down!
Låfftrax:
Get off me you TITANIUM HOOKER!
The Ex:
Don’t test me, I’ll pop off your arms like a Ken Doll!
Låfftrax:
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE!
Ava:
We run a diner.
Gloria:
Shel!?
Shel:
Just trust me, okay?… Only a couple of minutes left, Låfftrax.
Låfftrax:
I hope you get eaten by beavers you little shrub demon!
Shel:
Leif, what is it called?
Leif:
80 ton rail gun.
Shel:
Point your 80 ton rail gun at the big thing out there. It’s the only way you live.
Låfftrax:
… Fine. Antidote first!
Shel:
Nope.
Låfftrax:
Rrrrrrrrrrrrfine!
Shel:
How do they talk to the ship?
Leif:
Communicator. Right front pocket.
Shel:
Okay. Låfftrax, do I have permission to reach into your pocket?
Låfftrax:
I’m going chop you up and put you in my closet to repel moths!
Shel:
Taking that as a yes… okay.
Communicator beeps.
Shel:
Talk.
Låfftrax:
…Ryanabbi…
Ryanabbi :
(In communicator.) Hey boss.
Låfftrax:
Point the rail gun at that big thing out there and fire…
Ryanabbi:
Gonna take a minute.
Låfftrax:
I don’t care, just do it!
Ryanabbi:
Targeting now.
Låfftrax:
There. Now give me the fucking antidote.
Shel:
Okay. Don’t let them up, okay?
The Ex:
They’re not going anywhere.
Shel:
I’m Shel, by the way.
The Ex:
I’m Ex, it’s nice to meet you.
Shel:
I’m sorry everyone was so rude to you earlier.
The Ex:
You know, it’s a lot of old business-
Gloria:
Shel!
Shel:
Sorry, Gloria I need your help making the antidote.
Gloria:
Fine.
Effie:
I am rearranging my opinion of this strange lady, Dear.
Zebulon:
I do feel much safer.
The Ex:
Thanks, Guys.
Effie:
Don’t push it, though.
The Ex:
Oh, whatever.
Shel:
Get a really sharp knife.
Låfftrax:
Hurry up!
Gloria:
What am I doing with it?
Shel:
Just get it.
Gloria:
Okay.
Rummaging through kitchen knives.
Gloria:
Seriously, Shel? Poisonous?
Shel:
Sorry. I wanted you all to like me.
Gloria:
We all like Caspar, he’s emotionally poisonous.
Caspar:
Okay.
Gloria:
I have a knife, what now?
Shel:
I need you to cut into me a little bit.
Gloria:
I don’t want to do that.
Shel:
It’s okay.
Gloria:
Isn’t that going to hurt you?
Shel:
Of course it’s going to hurt me, you’re cutting into me.
Gloria:
I don’t want to hurt you.
Shel:
Not too deep, see on my side here, the skin is like bark, right? I need you to pry it open a little.
Gloria:
Oh god.
Shel:
It’ll heal. It’s like Proverbs 27, right Zeb? “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than kisses from an enemy.”
Zebulon:
That’s right, Shel.
Gloria:
Okay. Okay. Oh god oh god oh god okay.
Shel’s skin cracks like the bark of a tree.
Shel:
Owowowowowowowow-
Gloria:
I’m sorry!
Shel:
It’s okay, it’s okay-
Gloria:
What do I do now?
Shel:
See that white fuzzy stuff?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Shel:
That’s it. Grab a little bit.
Gloria:
Okay, I’ve got it.
Shel:
Okay, you can take the knife out.
Gloria:
Okay, I’m taking it out.
Shel:
OW!
Gloria:
I’m sorry again!
Shel:
It’s okay.
Gloria:
What now?
Shel:
Låfftrax has to eat it.
Låfftrax:
Gimmie it!
Gloria:
Okay. Don’t let them up yet.
The Ex:
I won’t.
Gloria:
Open your mouth.
Låfftrax:
Ahhhhhhh. Ooof! Oh that tastes like ashtray water!
Gloria:
Keep chewing! Leif, make sure the pirate ship is doing what it’s supposed to.
Leif:
Let’s watch some fucking fireworks, y’all. Everyone outside.
Door chime.
Gloria:
Bring the pirate outside.
The Ex:
Up we go!
Låfftrax:
Ow! Hey! Can I have my gun back?
The Ex:
Absolutely not.
Shel:
C’mon Mucklewains. We might actually be out of the woods.
Zebulon:
That was quite a brave thing you did, Shel.
Shel:
I know, right? It was kind of biblical, huh? A wound in my side and everything.
Door chime then silence.
Ava:
You don’t look happy.
Even Older Leif:
No.
Ava:
Tell me.
Even Older Leif:
The reason it looks like wind chimes is because it’s constantly borrowing and giving back energy from different vibrational states. It creates a current from energy flowing back and forth between several universes at once.
Ava:
And that energy flows through the time crystals. Creating a field across three galaxies.
Even Older Leif:
Somehow. But here’s the kicker-
Ava:
If your particles aren’t vibrating at the same frequency as the wind chimes, you can’t interact with it.
Even Older Leif:
It’ll be like a ghost. Nothing can touch it.
Ava:
The rail gun is going to shoot straight through it like it’s not even there.
Even Older Leif:
Correct.
Ava:
Why didn’t you say anything?
Even Older Leif:
What if I’m wrong?
Ava:
You’re not wrong.
Even Older Leif:
No. I’m not.
Ava:
… So we’re screwed.
Even Older Leif:
It’s good to see you again, Doc. You know, I’ve seen a lot of things. Never saw a man crawl across three galaxies just to say he’s sorry. For what it’s worth.
Ava:
Leif, where are you going?
Even Older Leif:
Showtime.
Door chime. Sound of the space battle intensifies.
Ryanabbi:
Targeting engaged. Loading R1.
Leif:
See it there. You can see it turning.
Caspar:
Jesus, its the size of the Brooklyn Bridge.
Gloria:
That’s going to shoot something?
Leif:
Super-heated plasma, void torpedos, Purple Nullifiers, they’re all great. But in the end nothing comes close to a huge rail launching a 80 ton hunk of metal at something else.
Bertbert:
Shouldn’t they be shooting that at The Teds?
Leif:
Too slow. You can’t shoot it at something that can get out of the way. It’s a city killer.
Bertbert:
You’ve really kept the worst company, you know that?
Gloria:
Hey. He’s gotten better.
Ryanabbi:
Target locked.
Leif:
Here we go. Eat shit, Teds.
Ryanabbi:
Launching in 3, 2, 1, projectile away.
Leif:
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…
Leif:
…
Caspar:
…
Gloria:
…
Bertbert:
Why isn’t anything happening?
Låfftrax:
Did you fucking idiots miss?
Ryanabbi:
No, boss. Targeting was right on. Projectile passed right through it.
Låfftrax:
Passed through it?
Leif:
How’s that possible?
Ava:
We can’t touch it.
Gloria:
What? Why?
Ted:
(In the radio.) Hey guys. whatcha up to? Did you somehow get Låfftrax to fire their rail gun at my wind chimes? how’d it go? Are you winning the battle?
Ava:
It cycles between vibrational states. We can’t touch it because it only exists in our universe in random intervals.
Leif:
Thats impossible.
Ava:
That’s how it generates energy. Do the math, Leif.
Låfftrax:
This place sucks. Fuck you people and your math. Ryanabbi, beam me the fuck up and let’s get out of here. I hate this place. Let’s go pillage something.
Boooooooooooo.
Låfftrax beams up.
Gloria:
Were you going to tell us this?
Ava:
I didn’t know. Even Older Leif just told me.
Caspar:
The pirate ship is leaving. There goes our cover.
Ted:
Hey Caspar, quick question. Was trying to work with pirates your WORST idea yet, or was it just maybe top five?
Caspar:
Well at least we’ll be reunited once again old pal.
Ted:
I’m going to freeze you in a block of ice and put you in my quarters like a taxidermied elk you fucking chimp. Prepare to be boarded, Midnight Burger.
The Ex:
I’m going to eat all your bots alive, Ted.
Ted:
Yeah, I don’t know who you are lady, but there’s one of you and I’ve got 500 bots. Let’s see what happens.
Leif:
Where’s Leif?
Thrusters of the Nancy Sinatra fire up and take off.
Gloria:
Where’s he going?
The Ex:
Is he leaving us?
Ava:
No.
Ted:
Hey, hey, hey. Who’s trying to escape? Are you kidding me? Would you prefer I shoot you down or hit you with the tractor beam? I’m on the fence.
Even Older Leif:
(On the radio.) Hell, why not both?
Ted:
Who is this?
Even Older Leif:
This is Leif.
Leif:
Leif, what are you doing?
Ted:
Well then who the fuck is that?
Even Older Leif:
That’s also Leif.
Ted:
Oh whatever, I’m so sick of this shit. Whoever you are surrender your vessel or be destroyed.
Even Older Leif:
Sorry, pal. I’ve got a date with your contraption out there.
Ted:
Oh, this is heroism? That’s adorable. Buddy, didn’t you just watch an 80 ton projectile pass through my contraption.
Even Older Leif:
Nothing’s untouchable, Tediots. Especially not to a guy who knows how to get his drive core to mimic a vibrational pattern.
Ted:
Wait, what?
Even Older Leif:
Let’s pause while I analyze your vibrational oscillations and you slowly realize how I’m about to blow your shit up.
Leif:
Leif, what are you doing?
Even Older Leif:
You know what I’m doing, kiddo.
Leif:
Oscillations like that are going to irradiate your entire ship.
Even Older Leif:
Not really thinking in the long term right now.
Caspar:
What is he doing?
Leif:
Leif, this isn’t the way, we can figure something else out.
Even Older Leif:
Hey, relax. If I’m being honest, all I’ve been doing these days is looking for a fancy exit. This one’s as good as they come.
Ted:
Shoot him down. SHOOT HIM DOWN RIGHT NOW.
The Tednought opens fire on The Nancy Sinatra.
Even Older Leif:
Not very good at shooting small targets are you?
Ted:
Fire everything! Are we firing everything?
Several explosions are heard over the radio.
Even Older Leif:
Sure could use a prayer right now Mucklewains.
Effie:
Ephesians, dear.
Zebulon:
Take my hand… Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flash and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness in this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places!
Static crackles in the radio and the Tednought stops firing.
Song: What a friend we have in Jesus by the criterion quartet.
Ted:
What the hells happening? What is that music? WHY ARENT WE FIRING!?!
Even Older Leif:
Well would you look at that.
Effie:
The path is clear, old man. Godspeed.
Even Older Leif:
I’ll be damned. Saved by the power of Jesus. How’s that for some fucking irony.
Caspar:
Leif, what is he doing?
Leif:
He’s going to ram it.
Caspar:
I thought we couldn’t touch it.
Leif:
He’s overcharging his core and using the excess energy to alter his vibrational pattern. If he matches the vibrational pattern of the wind chimes then it’s just as vulnerable as anything else.
Ava:
It’s brilliant.
Leif:
Leif, we could’ve talked about this.
Even Older Leif:
No time, Buster. Listen close… this is going to be your speech someday… I am Leif… I live forever in every moment I’ve existed… I swear to every star in the cosmos… I never forgot it was a gift… not for one second…
Even older leif cuts out. Alarms blaring on the tednought. A massive explosion rushes outward.
Ted:
Oh fuck. Oh FUCK! ALL POWER TO THE SHEILDS RIGHT-
The tednought cuts out.
Caspar:
He saved us.
Gloria:
We’re free.
Bertbert:
Leif. Are you okay?
Leif:
…Debris field.
Bertbert:
What?
Leif:
Debris field. There’s going to be a debris field. Everybody needs to get inside right now.
Caspar:
Okay, let’s go everybody, inside.
Door chime.
Shel:
What’s happening?
Gloria:
We need to get to a safe place.
Shel:
We’ll be safe in here?
Leif:
I know the diner’s been through a lot, but everybody get under a booth, just to be safe, I don’t know what’s coming at us right now.
Gloria:
Shel, under here.
Shel:
Okay.
Leif:
We’ll be fine… we’ll be fine…
Bertbert:
Leif, you too. Get down.
Leif:
Yeah, okay.
Atomized debris begins to hit the diner like larger and larger hailstones.
Caspar:
…Hi.
Ava:
…Hi.
The hail of debris is deafening and then fades out.
The end.