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Midnight Burger
Chapter 5: The Ad Man Cometh
Song: she’s coming around the mountain by Henry whitter
Gloria:
Ava, what are you doing over there?
Ava:
Oh, nothing. Just hanging out with my good friends Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain.
Zebulon:
Ava, you seem to be lurking suspiciously close to the radio when you are usually ensconced within your booth.
Ava:
Nice change of pace never hurt anyone.
Effie:
And this has nothing to do with our little outage we had yesterday?
Ava:
I’m going to need air-quotes the size of Mr. Snuffleupagus put around the word “outage”.
Effie:
Dear, sometimes she speaks and I don’t understand a word she’s saying.
Zebulon:
It’s a consequence of ladies attending college.
Gloria:
Um, whoa.
Ava:
We accidentally changed the station on you guys and the diner stopped working, any insight into that?
Effie:
I’m sure we don’t have any light to shed, but I would like to congratulate you.
Ava:
On what?
Effie:
You’ve often said that you don’t understand how this diner of yours works, and now you’ve figured it out, it seems.
Ava:
I have NOT figured it out.
Zebulon:
Well then my curiosity doth rise. If you say you haven’t the foggiest notion how the diner works, well, how then would you know when it is NOT working?
Leif:
(From the kitchen) Ha ha, owned, Ava.
Ava:
Shut up, Leif.
Effie:
Dear...
Zebulon:
We’ll have to continue this conversation at a later time-
Effie:
Dear.
Zebulon:
Yes, my love?
Effie:
Prepare. We are drifting into the nether realms.
Zebulon:
Oh my. Do take heed, my compatriots. The nether realms approach.
Leif:
What’s that? Are we in the nether realms?
Gloria:
Jesus. What is this now?
Leif:
Alternate Earth timeline. They call it the nether realms because they’re fancy.
Gloria:
Wait, is this going to be like “Sliders”?
Leif:
Oh my God, are you a Sliders fan?
Gloria:
Huge Sliders fan.
Leif:
Favorite episode, go.
Gloria:
Um, um, um. Oh! The one where the US is at war with Australia.
Leif:
That one was dope. Guess mine.
Gloria:
Ummmm, the one where Rembrandt is Elvis!
Leif:
Yes! That one was amazing!
Ava:
This isn’t over, you two. I am not dropping this.
Effie:
Well, come back any time sugar, we open at six.
Ava:
Mleh, mem memeem mememee mugh.
Caspar:
Okay, how are we all doing?
Leif:
Quick update-
Caspar:
Yeah, I heard everything. Ava got owned, headed toward the nether realms.
Ava:
I did not get owned.
Caspar:
Quantum Leap, far superior to Sliders, by the way.
Leif:
That’s apples and oranges.
Caspar:
Gloria, alternate timeline Earths can be rough. Try and go with the flow.
Gloria:
What’s so rough about them?
Caspar:
We’ve been to a bunch of alternate Earths at this point and consistently it is always WAY WORSE than the Earth we’re from.
Gloria:
Seriously? That’s depressing.
Leif:
Why, how were things going back home?
Gloria:
Um, poorly.
Leif:
Well this one will be worse.
Gloria:
Always?
Leif:
It’s weird, it’s like the multiverse has generalized anxiety disorder and can’t help but imagine all the different ways that shit can go pear-shaped on Earth.
Caspar:
Here we go.
Sfx: the new world materializes all around them.
Caspar:
Gloria, welcome to another Earth. Did we number this one yet?
Ava:
This is 72, right?
Leif:
73.
Caspar:
Ooh. Wrong again. It is not your day.
Ava:
Don’t try and make this a thing. You’ll regret it.
Leif:
Let’s have a look.
Sfx: Door chime. Sound of a bustling city. Diner fades into the background.
Gloria:
Wow.
Ava:
That’s a lot of billboards.
Caspar:
They’re everywhere, it’s like Times Square but a whole city.
Leif:
(John Rys-Davies impression.) Mr. Mallory, this world seems to be very unlike our own.
Gloria:
I’ll say, Professor. I better go get into another romantic entanglement since people are still seeing me as the fat kid from Stand by Me.
Caspar:
Ok, guys. Not the whole time with the Sliders references.
Ava:
Someone’s coming.
Caspar:
Everyone inside and act casual.
Sfx: door chime.
Caspar:
Effie, Zebulon, time to act like a radio.
Zebulon:
Let our work commence. We begin today with a reading from the Book of Ezekiel...
Sfx: Music.
Zebulon:
And you, son of man, on the day I take away their stronghold, their joy and glory, the delight of their eyes, their heart’s desire, and their sons and daughters as well—on that day a fugitive will come to tell you the news.
Sfx: door chime.
Zebulon:
At that time your mouth will be opened; you will speak with him and will no longer be silent. So you will be a sign to them, and they will know that I am the Lord.
Gloria:
Hey there. Welcome to Midnight Burger.
Mary:
Thanks.
Gloria:
Here’s a menu. Soup of the day is... Damn. Leif, what’s the soup?
Leif:
(From the kitchen) Gazpacho.
Gloria:
Our soup is... Seriously? Gazpacho?
Leif:
(From the kitchen) It’s delicious!
Gloria:
Okay our soup today is Gazpacho because who doesn’t want to eat cold tomato sauce with a spoon?
Leif:
(From the kitchen) I heard that.
Gloria:
Can I get you some coffee?... Ma’am?
Mary:
Oh... yes, please.
Gloria:
Coming right up.
Caspar:
Does she have tin foil wrapped around her neck?
Gloria:
That’s what it looks like. What’s that about?
Caspar:
I don’t know. How’s your night going?
Mary:
Um, fine, thank you.
Caspar:
I’m Caspar. That’s Gloria. Leif’s back in the kitchen. That’s Ava over there, though she probably won’t say much as she’s still recovering from being wrong about something a few minutes ago.
Ava:
Keep digging, Buddy.
Mary:
Where are your ads?
Caspar:
I’m sorry?
Mary:
You just said several sentences without an ad, are you ad-free, you don’t look ad-free. I thought the fees were so high only a select few could afford them. This confused line of questioning is brought to you by Delta. Delta, setting the standard for safer travel.
Ava:
Uhhh.
Caspar:
Oh, my.
Gloria:
Okay, here’s some coffee. Have you decided on anything, or do you need a few minutes? I’d recommend the BLT, mainly because it’s hard to screw up.
Mary:
What’s going on here? Is this some sort of sting operation? I won’t give up my people, no matter what you do, this act of defiance is brought to you by Huggies-
Caspar:
Ma’am, ma’am, ma’am, everything’s okay. Nobody’s going to hurt you. We don’t know what’s going on, though, can you explain to us why you’re upset?
Mary:
No, you first, where are your ads?
Caspar:
We don’t know what you mean by that, okay? We’re not from around here we’re from...
Gloria:
Canada.
Caspar:
Canada. Manitoba, land of...
Ava:
Syrup?
Caspar:
Syrup. Land of syrup so we don’t know what you’re talking about right now.
Mary:
Canada? So it’s true what they say? There’s no mandatory ads in Canada? I thought that was propaganda? This glimmer of hope is brought to you by Doc Martens, now offering free shipping on all orders over 50 dollars.
Gloria:
It’s definitely true, what they say about Canada. In fact, to three people who are very certainly from Canada, you sound a little strange right now.
Mary:
I’m sure I do. I haven’t sounded like myself for several years. But you have to forgive me, I don’t have any way of stopping it. This painful admission is brought to you by Twix.
Zebulon:
And that was Insufficient Sweetie by Ukulele Ike. Folks, it occurs to us that there may be some of you out there that are a bit confused as to where you may find yourself.
Effie:
Indeed. Perhaps you find yourself in a land where folks’ words are not their own. Where they are forced to speak in avaricious tongues to appease a sinful overlord.
Zebulon:
And perhaps The Lord has put you in this land to help them escape their oppressors, if you catch my meaning..
Caspar:
(whispering) Yeah, guys. We got it. Subtle.
Mary:
Your radio doesn’t have ads either.
Caspar:
Right, it’s a... Canadian radio station.
Mary:
They don’t sound Canadian.
Effie:
And some of you may be thinking to yourself, what’s a couple of Arkansawyers doing way up in Canada? It’s a very interesting story.
Zebulon:
It is indeed, Dearest. It began when I was a boy and I had a pet pig named Pansy-
Caspar:
BOY I HOPE THE RADIO PLAYS SOME MUSIC SOON.
Zebulon:
-But that’s a story for another time.
Effie:
Here’s The Westerners with Old Rose Waltz.
Song: Old Rose Waltz by the westerners.
Leif:
Hey, what’s going on?
Caspar:
Another thrilling episode of Sliders.
Gloria:
What’s your name?
Mary:
Mary.
Gloria:
Mary, since we’re from Canada. Right, Leif? That’s where we’re from is Canada?
Leif:
Uh, that’s right. Go Raptors.
Gloria:
We really don’t understand what’s going on. What’s with the tin foil around your neck?
Mary:
It blocks the GPS signal.
Gloria:
Okay. You know what? Why don’t you start from the beginning?
Mary:
Of course. To you I must sound like a crazy person. I’ll start at the beginning. Our economy had begun to fail. With so many jobs being automated, no one could find something to support themselves. Nobody was safe. Jobs you wouldn’t think could be automated suddenly were being done by an algorithm and a robot. I can’t remember the last time a human being took my order at a restaurant. With everyone’s job being replaced, there were protests. Protests turned to riots. Then the corporations who had replaced the workers unveiled their plan to save the working class: Ad space. You could get a direct payment from a corporation if you agreed to put a billboard on your garage door or on the roof of your car. Any empty space would do, the back of your jacket, the side of your purse. It worked for a while, but soon we discovered that the empty spaces on our homes and clothing weren’t enough. People had to take drastic actions. Product-specific tattoos began to fetch a high price. Students were told their college debt would be forgiven if they legally changed their name to Sprite or Boboli Bread Shell. In the end even that wasn’t enough. That’s when they began to offer the chips. They’re embedded into the back of our neck and weave advertisements directly into our conversations without us being able to control it. Before long the chips became mandatory. The ads are everywhere now, even in the words we say to a loved one.I need to apologize in advance. After a lengthy explanation like this, I’ll probably have to do a 15 second spot.Sunlight travels 93 million miles to turn our grapes into Sun Maid raisins, and that’s all we put in. Grapes and sunshine. Sun Maid raisins, nothing but grapes and sunshine.
Caspar:
Ok... Ava could we talk to you over here real quick?
Ava:
Sure. Ava crossing the room is brought to you by Nestle’s Quick-
Caspar:
Just get over here please.
Leif:
What’s up?
Caspar:
I just wanted to have a quick meeting to confirm that this is the stupidest dystopia we’ve ever been to.
Leif:
So bad.
Gloria:
Super dumb.
Ava:
I mean, the other dystopian Earths that we’ve been to, the fashion sense is on-point, very interesting eye makeup ideas-
Leif:
The music rips.
Ava:
But this? Ads everywhere? It’s just depressing.
Gloria:
Yeah, that might’ve been the most depressing story I’ve ever heard just now.
Effie:
(Whispering) Psst. Y’all. We agree. This place is a stinky bog of a place.
Zebulon:
(Whispering) Truly a Sodom in need of smiting.
Sfx: car pulling up outside. Quick blast of cop sirens.
Ava:
Po po.
Mary:
Oh, no. They found me. Can you help me?
Caspar:
What’s happening?
Mary:
The officer outside, he’s been looking for me for days. I’ve managed to avoid him so far but now that’s him outside. Can you hide me somewhere? This desperate plea is brought to you by Arby’s. Arby’s, we have the meats.
Caspar:
Why is he looking for you?
Leif:
We can put her in the walk-in.
Gloria:
Okay, follow me, sweetie.
Caspar:
We’re just saying yes to this?
Mary:
Thank you so much.
Caspar:
We’re not going to ask why she’s on the run from the cops? No?
Sfx: Walk-in door. Door chime.
Caspar:
Evening, officer.
Officer Valvoline:
Evening, folks. Just opened?
Caspar:
Yes. Our first day, as a matter of fact.
Officer Valvoline:
Welcome to the neighborhood. I’m Officer Valvoline from the local sheriff’s office in partnership with Kool Aid. I don’t suppose you’ve seen a woman this evening? Blonde hair? About yea high?
Caspar:
No, we haven’t in fact you’re our first customer this evening, can I get you a cup of coffee?
Officer Valvoline:
I’m sorry?
Caspar:
A cup of coffee? Our new waitress has been making it lately, it comes out really well. I mean, it’s still just coffee grounds and water but there’s something about the way she makes it. Can I get you some?
Officer Valvoline:
Sir, where-
Ava:
I’m sorry, Officer. My husband’s chip has been acting up all week. Sometimes it doesn’t work until I give him a swift smack in the head.
Caspar:
Don’t-
Sfx: Smack.
Caspar:
Ow!... This cup of coffee is brought to you by... y’know... SANKA. Sanka, when you don’t have a coffee machine?
Ava:
We’re having it replaced tomorrow.
Officer Valvoline:
Thanks for staying on top of that.
Ava:
Did you say your name was Officer Valvoline?
Officer Valvoline:
That’s right, Ma’am. When I got out of the academy I was one of the lucky recipients of the Valvoline housing voucher. A simple name change and I was entitled to a two bedroom house in lovely Valvoline Gardens.
Ava:
Sounds lovely.
Caspar:
Sounds viscous.
Ava:
How did Mrs. Valvoline feel about that?
Officer Valvoline:
My previous last name was Kołodziejski.
Ava:
Pretty good, then?
Gloria:
Good evening, officer. Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Officer Valvoline:
I’m afraid our precinct has an exclusive deal with Folger’s, is it Folger’s?
Gloria:
Probably not.
Officer Valvoline:
I’ll have to pass. Is this everyone?
Caspar:
Leif? Come out here and advertise something.
Leif:
Hey there, I’m Leif, I’m the cook and I’m brought to you by Land Rover.
Officer Valvoline:
Nice to meet you. Folks, I don’t mind telling you that the woman I’m looking for this evening is very dangerous. As you know, ads are life, and this woman and the group she belongs to are attempting to subvert this way of life and send this city and this country into total chaos. The Getty Foundation is proud to support this malevolent warning.
Gloria:
Total chaos sounds bad.
Caspar:
Is she a terrorist or something?
Officer Valvoline:
She most certainly is. She belongs to a group known as Free Ad-Free. They believe it’s their human right to be free of advertisements. Her and her compatriots are constantly searching for ways to have their chips removed and deny the community of the valuable revenue that they generate.
Caspar:
How ridiculous.
Officer Valvoline:
Luckily for them, they’ve been largely unsuccessful. As we all know, removing a chip is very dangerous. There’s risk of infection, neurological damage, also it explodes.
Ava:
Whoa, dude.
Leif:
Explodes?
Officer Valvoline:
Oh yes. Takes your head clean off if you do it wrong. You know, for security.
Caspar:
That’s an interesting definition of security.
Gloria:
Also of “terrorism.”
Officer Valvoline:
So it’s... what station is this on your radio right now?
Caspar:
It’s uh...
Officer Valvoline:
It’s gone for a full two minutes without advertisements.
Zebulon:
Aaand that was Brighten the Corner Where You Are by Homer Rodeheaver brought to you by...
Effie:
Burma-Shave!
Zebulon:
Yes!
Effie:
No lady likes to snuggle and dine accompanied by a porcupine.
Zebulon:
Ask your local grocer about Burma-Shave!
Officer Valvoline:
There we go. So it’s imperative that we track these people down. So if you see the woman we’re looking for, call 911, wait for the ad to end, and then report what you’ve seen, okay everyone?
Caspar:
Sure thing, officer.
Leif:
You got it.
Officer Valvoline:
Great. This friendly visit with threatening undertones is brought to you by Schlage. Trust your home to Schlage.
Sfx: door chime.
Ava:
You guys had a Burma-Shave ad just sitting in your back pocket?
Effie:
It’s the only billboard in Toadsuck.
Ava:
Right, Toadsuck. Where you live. Because you’re from Arkansas.
Effie:
You’re getting close to fighting words with me, Lady.
Zebulon:
Honey.
Caspar:
Can we get the fugitive out of the walk-in please?
Sfx: Walk-in door.
Caspar:
Hi there, Mary. Turns out you’re public enemy number one.
Mary:
I’m so sorry about this. I didn’t mean to get anyone in trouble.
Ava:
You’re a fugitive and you said “hide me,” that wasn’t going to come down on us at all?
Mary:
I wasn’t thinking.
Leif:
You have a bomb on your neck. Hard to think clearly.
Caspar:
Yeah, was he serious? That thing on your neck explodes?
Mary:
It does. At first we thought it was propaganda to scare us but then, several heads later...
Ava:
Ouch.
Gloria:
This message brought to you by “Scanners.”
Mary:
They’ve been following me all night. There was a rumor that there was a doctor in this part of town that was removing chips from people so I took the risk and tried to find him. Turns out it was a ruse to lure me out of hiding. I’ve put you in a terrible position, I should go before I get you into more trouble. It’s true what they say, Canadians are very nice. This mournful goodbye is brought to you by Fruit Roll-Ups.
Sfx: Door chime.
Gloria:
Guys, c’mon, is that the best we can do?
Caspar:
What do you want us to do, she’s got a bomb in her head?
Gloria:
I feel like we’re supposed to help her.
Caspar:
Help her how? SHE HAS A BOMB IN HER HEAD.
Gloria:
Wouldn’t a bomb in her head be a clear sign that she needs help?
Caspar:
It’s a clear sign she needs help from someone who can remove a bomb from your head.
Gloria:
Maybe Ava could do it.
Ava:
This isn’t The Hurt Locker, I can’t disarm a bomb.
Caspar:
Wow, all this talk about how smart she is.
Ava:
How about I disarm your face?
Gloria:
Okay, I don’t care how smart or dumb we are, we’re going to try and help her.
Sfx: Door chime. City Noise.
Gloria:
Mary. Hey. Where are you headed now?
Mary:
Honestly, I don’t know. Don’t worry about me, please.
Gloria:
Do they have that show “Sliders” here? It was really popular in uh... Canada.
Mary:
I don’t think so.
Gloria:
See, it was this show about a group of people who travel to all these different alternate realities. There was an Earth where the Nazis won the war, there was an Earth where scientists were treated like celebrities, an Earth where robots have wiped out all the humans. It was great.
Mary:
O..okay.
Gloria:
Thing is, if your world was an episode of Sliders it would really suck. Because honestly, it’s boring. There’s no Lords of the Wasteland, or killer robots, or aliens. In your dystopia, things just got progressively worse in a really mundane way. And I don’t like that. Mainly because... your dystopia is plausible. And I only like to imagine dystopias that can’t happen. We can’t let you go back out into that. So, can you come inside and see if we can help you?
Mary:
You really don’t have to.
Gloria:
You were wandering around feeling lost and afraid, you didn’t know where to turn and then suddenly there was a diner. Right?
Mary:
Yes.
Gloria:
Everyone in there knows that feeling. Come on in.
Sfx: door chime.
Mary:
Hello again.
Caspar:
They say repeat customers are key to a successful business.
Gloria:
Why don’t you sit here in this chair, take the tin foil off your neck and lift your hair up. Ava is a scientist and is going to look at that chip in your neck.
Mary:
Wait, no. You can’t.
Gloria:
Why not?
Mary:
As soon as you take the tin foil off my neck they’ll be able to receive my signal. They’ll be here within minutes.
Gloria:
Well, we’ll just have to work fast, won’t we, Ava?
Ava:
I don’t know anything about neck chips.
Gloria:
You’re the only scientist in the joint. Have a look.
Mary:
Are you sure this is safe?
Gloria:
Totally fine.
Leif:
Let me have a look.
Ava:
This isn’t a patty melt scale situation, Leif.
Leif:
Just let me see.
Mary:
Okay...
Ava:
Oh, Jeez.
Leif:
Wow.
Caspar:
What’s it look like?
Ava:
Kinda gross.
Leif:
It’s pretty Cronenburg back here, man.
Ava:
Were they trying to make it look like a giant insect had latched onto you?
Gloria:
How about a little bedside manner, guys.
Caspar:
Hey, Mary. While they’re doing whatever they’re doing let’s focus on something else.
Mary:
I’d really like that.
Caspar:
Why were you on the run?
Mary:
It was a stupid idea. I heard there was someone in this part of town that could remove my chip. I was going to have my chip removed and then broadcast a speech. I had a shortwave radio and everything. I was going to talk to people without interruption. Without ads. I wanted to be able to remind people what it was like.
Caspar:
That’s not much of a plan.
Mary:
I didn’t know what else to do. Do you have any idea how terrible it is to say something heartfelt to someone you love and have to follow it up with an ad for Heineken? This mention of an ad for Heineken brought to you by Heineken.
Caspar:
Ava, how’s it coming back there?
Ava:
It appears to run on some form of electricity.
Gloria:
Ava, come on.
Ava:
Guys, scientists have fields of study for a reason. We’re not wizards.
Leif:
Are those heat-sinks?
Ava:
Are they what?
Leif:
Those two squares right there, they’re heat-sinks. That means it can overheat.
Ava:
How do you know?
Leif:
I know how to get it off. Mary, I’m sorry for how this question sounds but would you mind if I applied a Crème Brûlée torch to the explosive on the back of your neck?
Gloria:
Hang on.
Ava:
What are you talking about?
Leif:
If it has heat-sinks that means it can overheat. If it overheats it will shut down until it cools off. So I can remove it, but only for a few seconds.
Caspar:
How do you know that?
Leif:
Just trust me. The chip comes off, I throw it out in the street before it explodes.
Ava:
I am not in support of that.
Mary:
No, I have to keep the chip. I have to stand in solidarity with my fellow freedom fighters.
Ava:
Ug. Activists are the worst.
Mary:
I meant to make the speech and then put the chip back on.
Leif:
Well that complicates things.
Gloria:
The chip is one thing. What about the broadcast she wanted to make?
Caspar:
Do we have to give her the whole package? We can’t just take the chip off?
Gloria:
She wants to put it back on.
Leif:
We could maybe do a broadcast from here.
Ava:
Oh really? And how are we going to do that?
Leif:
Well, I’d have to take the radio apart.
Effie:
Uh, come again?
Caspar:
You are absolutely not taking the radio apart.
Zebulon:
I wholeheartedly agree.
Caspar:
Last time we messed with the radio we all almost died.
Ava:
How would you do it?
Effie:
Ava.
Leif:
In an older transistor radio, I might be able to use the local oscillator to transmit a low power AM signal. I might be able to connect the audio amplifier input to be the speaker instead of the detector diode. The audio output might power the local oscillator rather than being directly powered by the battery.
Ava:
How would you modulate the amplitude?
Leif:
Her voice in the local oscillator hopefully.
Ava:
That’d be hard to do without an oscilloscope.
Leif:
Or a circuit map. But radios like that are so old, I could probably just wing it.
Ava:
Have we met?
Leif:
I’m Leif.
Zebulon:
I don’t believe this is any time to be messing about with forces you don’t understand, Leif.
Caspar:
Leif, how do you know all this?
Leif:
I know things.
Mary:
Is the radio talking?
Gloria:
Just go with it, Mary.
Leif:
This is all assuming that when I open up the back of the radio that... there’s a radio in there.
Ava:
I think it’s a great idea.
Effie:
You get behind me, Satan.
Zebulon:
Let us not solve a small problem by creating a larger one.
Leif:
It’d be easy to put it all back together again.
Caspar:
We are absolutely not doing any of that.
Effie:
Thank you, Caspar.
Zebulon:
Let’s not cloud our head with foolish ideas.
Mary:
I’m very confused right now.
Ava:
Oh come on, you two. We’re trying to help someone out. She desperately needs you.
Effie:
We will not be manipulated by you.
Ava:
Well I have to say, I’m surprised. A couple of God-fearing Christians like yourselves and you’re refusing to help a refugee from persecution named Mary. Ironies abound.
Caspar:
Ava, you want to dial it back just a little bit?
Zebulon:
No. She’s right, though I am loath to admit it. If this radio that we speak through can be of help to this troubled lady in her troubled world then we are obliged to offer assistance. Leif, do what you must.
Caspar:
No no. No no no. No. We’re not touching the radio again, not after the black hole.
Mary:
After the what?
Zebulon:
Caspar, you must have faith that the Lord has put us on this path.
Effie:
My husband is right. We must have faith.
Ava:
I LOVE the Lord.
Leif:
Hang on, though. If our plan is to remove her chip so she can make a speech into the radio, we still need to do something with her chip. It’ll blow if it’s off her for... more than five seconds, I’m guessing.
Sfx: police sirens and screeching tires.
Gloria:
Police are here!
Leif:
We need a solution.
Mary:
Everyone, please, I should just turn myself in.
Officer Valvoline:
(On megaphone) Attention everyone in the building. This is Officer Valvoline with the Sheriff’s Department. You are harboring a fugitive. You are hereby ordered to exit the building immediately and submit to questioning. This stern warning is brought to you by Twinkies.
Caspar:
To hell with it, if we’re doing this, we’re doing this. We need to convince them that we’re dangerous so they don’t just charge in here.
Leif:
I’ve got an idea. Ava, where’s the moonshine?
Ava:
Under the counter.
Caspar:
After we do that, Mary, we’re going to remove your chip and we’re going to put it on me.
Ava:
What?!
Caspar:
We have to do something with it. What do you suggest? Leif, would it work?
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
He doesn’t know!
Leif:
Yeah, it will. The technology is Garbage, it just needs a warm body to latch onto.
Mary:
Please, you really don’t have to do this.
Caspar:
We’re doing it. It’s going to be fine. Leif, what are you doing?
Leif:
Everybody clear a path to the door.
Sfx: Molotov cocktail being lit.
Caspar:
Leif, is that-
Leif:
Out of the way. OPEN FLAME!
Gloria:
Oh my God!
Sfx: door chime.
Leif:
This Molotov Cocktail is brought to you by communism!
Sfx: Bottle smashing. Flames spreading. Door chime.
Leif:
Okay, that should do it.
Caspar:
What the hell was that?
Leif:
Fangs out. They think we’re crazy now. They probably have to call a SWAT team or something.
Caspar:
Okay, sure. Why not.
Leif:
Speaking of open flame, I’m going to go get my Cremé Brûlée torch. Mary, get ready to be ad-free.
Mary:
Is all of this really happening right now?
Gloria:
It’s totally okay to say you’re having a nervous breakdown. Whatever gets you through the next few minutes.
Ava:
Caspar, what are you doing? That chip could explode.
Caspar:
Look, I know you’re nervous but I need you to do me a favor. If something goes wrong and I don’t make it... please try and blame yourself. It’ll really take the sting out of getting my head blown off.
Ava:
Is this because I’m being mean to Effie and Zebulon?
Effie:
I sure hope so.
Leif:
(From the kitchen.) Caspar, sit right next to Mary. The less time the chip is off a body, the better.
Caspar:
Okay. Hey Mary, how are you holding up?
Mary:
Who are you people, and why are you doing this?
Caspar:
We run a diner.
Leif:
Okay, I’ve got a Crème Brûlée torch and I’m about to get weird with it. Everybody stand back. Effie, Zebulon how about a prayer?
Sfx: torch lighting up.
Effie:
Lord, please guide our friend’s hand as he applies an open flame to some sort of strange explody device attached to this woman’s head.
Zebulon:
And should the explody device issue forth, we beseech you to carry our friends’ souls into your loving embrace.
Gloria:
Guys, please. Positive thinking.
Mary:
That’s getting really hot.
Leif:
Almost there. Okay it’s off.
Sfx: beeping.
Leif:
Caspar hold still.
Caspar:
Okay.
Leif:
It’s on!
Caspar:
OW! Oh, Jesus Christ that’s terrible! Fucking hell, that sucks, motherfucker! This string of expletives brought to you by Hawaiian Airlines. Hawaiian Airlines, Hawaii starts here. Oh, shit.
Ava:
I changed my mind, this was a great idea.
Mary:
It worked. I’m free. I can feel it. I could talk for an hour without having to advertise anything. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. Leif, thank you so much.
Gloria:
Leif, you’re a genius!
Caspar:
Okay, let’s celebrate later. Leif set up the radio.
Sfx: screwdriver at the back of the radio.
Leif:
Okay. Effie, Zebulon, you guys are going to go dark for a minute, but I swear I’ll get you back. That is assuming I don’t open up the back of the radio and there’s a spatial anomaly in there or something.
Effie:
We trust you, Leif.
Ava:
Anything the two of you would like to say before we open you up? The nature of your existence? How the Diner works?
Effie:
Oh, I’ve got something I’d like to say-
Caspar:
We’ve got enough to worry about without you two fighting with each other, can you please knock it off? This attempt to quell an argument brought to you by Slim Jim, Slim Jim snap into a Slim Jim Jesus Christ this is terrible.
Mary:
I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Question: how is the radio talking, again?
Leif:
I am opening up the radio... Huh. Okay. It looks like a circa 1920s radio on the inside.
Zebulon:
As I’m sure we all expected.
Ava:
Let me see... what the hell?
Sfx: tires screeching to a halt.
Gloria:
Uh, guys? I think the SWAT team just got here.
Leif:
That was fast. I probably shouldn’t have used the word “communism” when I threw the firebomb. It’s one of those words that dives everyone crazy.
Officer Valvoline:
(On megaphone) Attention Communists. You are now in violation of several state laws as well as the federal Anti-Communist Act. Better dead than red, you pinkos. This display of nationalist pride is brought to you by Stolichnaya Vodka. That was an unfortunate ad placement, not a show of sympathy.
Leif:
Okay guys, I’m going to unplug a few things, but don’t worry, we’ll be right back.
Effie:
May the Lord guide your hand, Leif.
Gloria:
The SWAT team is ready to go, what if they charge in here before he’s finished?
Caspar:
Tell them we have a bomb.
Gloria:
What?!
Caspar:
And hostages.
Gloria:
Are you serious?
Caspar:
Just do it. This irrational directive brought to you by Reebok. Reebok, seriously? Just do it is right there.
Sfx: door chime.
Gloria:
We have a bomb! And hostages!
Officer Valvoline:
(On megaphone.) Bomb threat! Bomb threat! Everyone to safe cover, they’re crazy! This panic is brought to you by Cat Chow!
Leif:
Okay. We’re good. We’re sending out a low AM signal and the speakers are now microphones.
Gloria:
Just like that?
Leif:
Just like that.
Gloria:
And you’re sure you can get Zeb and Effie back?
Leif:
Yeah, I just switch everything back.
Effie:
Or maybe you don’t even have to?
Zebulon:
We seem to hear you all just fine!
Leif:
What the hell?
Effie:
Watch your mouth, Leif.
Leif:
They’re speaking out of speakers that aren’t speakers anymore.
Zebulon:
Fear not, Leif.
Ava:
What in the fucking. World.
Effie:
Oh, I’m sorry Ava, are you confused by our continued ability to do the Lord’s work?
Ava:
You know what? You win. None of this makes any sense! I’m going to give my-self up to the police, to hell with it! I’m going to have them slap a chip on me and I’m going to sell Oscar Meyer Weiners or whatever. Where’s the moonshine?
Mary:
Could someone please explain to me what’s going on?
Zebulon:
Mary.
Sfx: Gospel organ music.
Zebulon:
Fear not. You are a just woman in a land where injustice abounds. In your time of crisis the lord has reached out and brought us to you.
Effie:
Amen.
Zebulon:
As in the book of Matthew, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for a righteous cause, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Effie:
Hallelujah.
Zebulon:
Mary. Step forth and speak your truth unto us so that it may reach into the hearts of the troubled masses.
Effie:
I don’t even know if anyone’s listening.
Zebulon:
It matters not.
Gloria:
Wait. Hey, Leif, what station are we on?
Leif:
Uh, AM 630.
Gloria:
Hang on.
Sfx: door chime.
Gloria:
Hey! We will be broadcasting our demands on AM 630. Listen closely, Capitalist pigs!
Sfx: Door chime.
Gloria:
Okay, you’ve got an audience.
Zebulon:
Mary. Fear not. Step forward and speak.
Mary:
Okay... Hello. My name is Mary. I... I studied anthropology in school. In Boston. At first I didn’t even know why, I just felt like I should. I think I wanted to know... I wanted to know how we got here. How did we go from strange, confused apes to this? It was a question I had always asked myself and was always confused why more people didn’t ask it. How do people walk around in their lives and not ask how they got there? I thought it made me weird but my dad said to me “It doesn’t make you weird, it makes you an anthropologist.”I... I don’t know why I brought that up. I think it’s because... That was the first thing I asked my professor my freshman year: “How did we get here?” And I suppose I was expecting an hour-long speech or something but she just said... She just said, “we started living together.” And then she gestured to the Boston skyline and said, “And that led to all of this.”The thing is... I don’t think this is what we meant to do. All of this. When we huddled together for warmth thousands of years ago I don’t think this was where we were trying to get to. I think we meant to do something else. I don’t know what we meant to do, but let me ask you something? When you look around, do you see something done right, or something done wrong? I know what that answer is for me. I think you owe it to yourselves to find your answer. You won’t hear from me again. But try and think of me from time to time, if you can.
Gloria:
That was lovely, Mary.
Zebulon:
A sermon for the ages, to be sure.
Mary:
Leif, thank you so much. But Caspar looks miserable. I think you should put my chip back on.
Caspar:
Mary, if you like I can keep wearing this chip until Leif figures out what to do with it, you can at least have some time without ads being piped into your brain. This selfless offer is brought to you by Clorox Clean-up holy fucking shit I hate this thing.
Mary:
It’s fine. They’ll just put another one on me anyway. That chip and I have been through a lot together.
Caspar:
Okay. Fire it up, Leif.
Sfx: torch.
Leif:
Here we go.
Effie:
Ava, I don’t think The Lord meant for us to fight, darling.
Ava:
I don’t like not knowing things.
Effie:
Don’t I know it. But you keep on thinking I’ve got something I’m not telling you. What makes you think I know any more than you do?
Ava:
I suppose that’s fair.
Sfx: beeping.
Leif:
Here we go here we go here we go aaaand ON.
Mary:
Ouch.
Caspar:
Oh my God. That was terrible.
Gloria:
Are you sure you want to do this, Mary?
Mary:
This is actually the best I’ve felt in a very long time.
Gloria:
I feel like we could’ve done more.
Mary:
No, you’ve done so much. Thank you.
Leif:
They’re not going to put you in a gulag or something are they?
Mary:
The irony is, they need me walking around free... for the ad time.
Ava:
That’s hilarious.
Mary:
You know, I still have no idea what happened here tonight.
Gloria:
Been there.
Mary:
I have so many questions, but if I talk longer than a sentence the chip will attach an ad.
Caspar:
We understand.
Mary:
Who are you all?
Caspar:
Um... “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid”, that’s the old saying, right? Sometimes mighty forces look pretty fucking weird.
Mary:
Thank you. All of you.
Zebulon:
Farewell, Mary.
Sfx: door chime.
Officer Valvoline:
(On megaphone.) She’s coming out!
Caspar:
Leif, look at you. You saved the day.
Leif:
Yep, just floating through the cosmos, righting wrongs, just me and my trusty Crème Brûlée torch.
Ava:
Where’d you go to school, Leif?
Leif:
What do you mean?
Ava:
“Building down a processor”? “Heat-sinks”? Turning a radio into a broadcaster? You didn’t pick that up being an intergalactic fry-cook.
Leif:
School of hard knocks, Baby.
Ava:
Uh-huh.
Gloria:
We’re still surrounded by police, by the way.
Leif:
They’re going to lose their shit when we vaporize in a few hours.
Caspar:
Yeah, looks like the rest of this shift is going to be a stand-off with the ad-cops. Hey. Are we still broadcasting?
Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Well then. Effie, Zebulon. Let’s give them a radio show. Ad-free.
Zebulon:
Hello and welcome to all who hear my voice. My name is Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.
Effie:
Hi, y’all.
Zebulon:
We know not if we find you lonely, we know not if we find you afeared. All we know is that we have found you, and we thank The Lord for that.
Effie:
And if you’re a weary soul, don’t you worry about a thing, because weary souls are the bread to our butter.
Zebulon:
Remove the oddly-fitted coat of your burdens, lay them down into the stream. Be at peace as they float into the distance.
Effie:
The Lord hath made you perfect. You just done forgot...
Song: Were you there when they crucified my lord? by Paul Robeson
The end