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Midnight Burger
Chapter 6: Leifs
Sfx: busy diner.
Song: Sweeter as the Years go by by Criterion Quartet
Gloria:
More coffee?
Ava:
Yes, please.
Gloria:
So, right now we are on the planet Thegrion.
Ava:
Yes, I know.
Gloria:
A hundred years ago there was a deadly plague on Thegrion.
Ava:
I also know that.
Gloria:
To keep the plague from spreading, they had to shut down travel for years, staying in small communities all over the planet and never interacting with each other. Eventually they found a cure, BUT-
Ava:
Gloria.
Gloria:
BUT, they had stayed separated for so many years that the isolation became ingrained in their culture. And now-
Ava:
Do I need to be here for this?
Gloria:
AND NOW it’s an entire planet full of small towns that are suspicious of outsiders.
Ava:
Except for-
Gloria:
EXCEPT FOR one day a year when these communities gather together to remember the millions of people that were killed by the plague.
Ava:
And on that day-
Gloria:
AND ON THAT DAY every year, Midnight Burger returns to Thegrion to give some of them a place to sit and talk and drink coffee and remember.
Ava:
That was a lovely recitation of things I already know.
Gloria:
This is very exciting for me, Ava.
Ava:
Do tell.
Gloria:
Midnight Burger is a chaotic place. I never know what to expect. But NOW I learn that there are things it does on a schedule. Now I know that once a year Midnight Burger comes back to Thegrion. I can plan for that. I can build a whole calendar around it.
Ava:
That sounds very comforting.
Gloria:
Right?
Ava:
One problem.
Gloria:
Please don’t.
Ava:
Yes we come back once a year FOR THEM. But guess what we do all the time?
Gloria:
Travel through time.
Ava:
Right. So we do come back every year, but for us a year from now could be tomorrow.
Gloria:
That’s disappointing.
Ava:
Sorry.
Gloria:
I’m sitting down.
Ava:
Don’t spill on my notes.
Leif:
Hey guys. Meeting at Ava’s booth?
Ava:
No.
Leif:
Has the food seemed alright today? It hasn’t seemed too festive has it?
Gloria:
What does festive taste like?
Leif:
I don’t know. It’s a global day of mourning for them and I want the food to be good but not TOO good, like it’s a party.
Gloria:
I haven’t heard any complaints but I also haven’t gotten any compliments.
Leif:
Perfect, that’s the sweet spot. Gloria, your tuna fish salad is up.
Gloria:
I’ll be right there... I’m going to get used to this, right?
Ava:
Nope.
Gloria:
I’m always going to be longing for normalcy?
Ava:
Yep.
Gloria:
And then if I returned to normalcy I would get bored and long for this place?
Ava:
Yep.
Gloria:
No middle ground?
Ava:
Nope.
Gloria:
Great.
Ava:
Hey, speaking of normalcy. Something in the diner is not normal today.
Gloria:
What do you mean?
Ava:
Well, here we are on the planet Thegrion... someone in the diner is not from Thegrion.
Gloria:
Really? Who?
Ava:
Table 12.
Gloria:
Huh. How Can you tell?
Ava:
He’s trying to pass himself off as a local but I can tell.
Gloria:
Should I go scope him out?
Ava:
No.
Gloria:
Why not?
Ava:
You have a terrible poker face.
Gloria:
No I don’t.
Ava:
Yes you do.
Caspar:
Guys, what’s going on?
Gloria:
Ava depressed me so I sat down for a second.
Caspar:
Ava depresses me all the time and I remain standing.
Gloria:
Just one more minute.
Caspar:
Look, we actually do a good job for the Thegronian... Thegreons... What did we decided we we’re calling them?
Ava:
My vote was for Thegronies but I got voted down.
Caspar:
You’re still voted down. Whatever we’re calling them, this is an important day on this planet and it’s one of the few things we do a good job on so let’s not rest on our laurels.
Gloria:
Okay, I’m getting up.
Caspar:
This is good. This is usually the point when one of you tell me we have a problem but we’re doing okay.
Ava:
We have a problem.
Caspar:
Aw, snails... What is it?
Ava:
Someone here is not one of the Thegronies.
Caspar:
Not the name. Who is it?
Ava:
Table 12.
Caspar:
He looks like he’s from Thegrion.
Ava:
He’s trying to blend in. It’s not working.
Caspar:
Alright, I’m going to go check on him. It’s probably nothing.
Ava:
Thegronies.
Caspar:
Nope.
Zebulon:
Greetings and salutations to all of our friends here on Thegrion.
Effie:
As ever, we come to you on your day of mourning to help you through your remembrances.
Zebulon:
It is a day to remember those whom we’ve lost. And though this day of loss may loom long. Remember the psalms. Weeping may last the night, but joy... joy cometh in the morning.
Effie:
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.
Caspar:
Guys.
Effie:
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
Caspar:
Guys, guys. Can you tone it down a little bit? Remember last time there were a few complaints about the sermonizing?
Effie:
We have been put in this place to speak his truth, Caspar.
Caspar:
I know.
Zebulon:
Also, “sermonizing” is not a word.
Caspar:
I don’t know what the word is Zebulon, you know what I mean.
Effie:
I think what you mean is to silence the gospel.
Caspar:
I’m not trying to silence the gospel.
Zebulon:
The Lord’s word transcends the earthly realm.
Caspar:
Yes, okay, sure, but Jesus never made an appearance on Thegrion.
Zebulon:
How do you know?
Caspar:
Zebulon, don’t get L. Ron Hubbard on me, no one here knows what you’re talking about when you talk about The Lord.
Effie:
All the more reason-
Caspar:
Guys. Please. I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Apparently there’s someone at table 12 that isn’t supposed to be here and I’ve got to go deal with that-
Effie:
(Gasping) Table 12.
Caspar:
Effie?
Zebulon:
What is it, my dear?
Effie:
Caspar, you mustn’t go to table 12.
Caspar:
Why not?
Effie:
He is here.
Caspar:
Who?
Effie:
The Devil.
Caspar:
Effie. C’mon.
Effie:
He is clothed in garments not his own. He comes to tempt us.
Caspar:
You guys are really pouring it on thick today, I don’t know what’s going on.
Zebulon:
Caspar, my wife has never lead us astray.
Caspar:
Yes, except for the time she called herself Dr. Barbara and led us into a supermassive black hole. Look, I’m going over to table 12 now and the devil is not going to be there.
Zebulon:
And what if he is there?
Caspar:
Well then I’ll get out my fiddle or something. Look, just put on some music the devil would hate and I’m going to go talk to table 12.
Song: Swing Low Sweet Chariot by Roland Hayes.
Sfx: Footsteps.
Caspar:
Hey there, welcome to Midnight Burger, can I get you some coooooooff-
Old Leif:
Hello, Caspar.
Caspar:
Hello... Leif?
Old Leif:
Been a while.
Caspar:
Not for me. Because you are currently in the kitchen.
Old Leif:
And yet here I am at table 12.
Caspar:
And looking about 20 years older.
Old Leif:
23 years older.
Caspar:
What’s happening right now?
Old Leif:
What’s happening right now is me ordering the Monte Cristo.
Caspar:
I don’t know who you are, but this is an important day for us.
Old Leif:
I’m not going to mess up your annual pity party on Thegrion. As long as you don’t mess up my sandwich. Salad on the side.
Caspar:
Okay... Coming right up.
Sfx: Footsteps.
Effie:
Psst. Caspar. What awaited you at table 12?
Caspar:
Not the devil. Unfortunately.
Sfx: Grill and kitchen sounds.
Caspar:
Hey, Leif.
Leif:
Hey, how’s it going out there?
Caspar:
Fine. Just, fine. Monte Cristo for table 12.
Leif:
Sweet, my favorite.
Caspar:
Side salad.
Leif:
See, why do people do that? Getting a salad is not going to erase the fact that you just ordered a deep fried ham sandwich with powdered sugar on it.
Caspar:
Small problem. You ordered it.
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
You ordered it.
Leif:
Is this some sort of brain teaser?
Caspar:
There’s an older version of you sitting at table 12, he just ordered your favorite sandwich. Looks like you came around on the efficacy of the side salad.
Leif:
Let me see.
Caspar:
Wait, if you see him won’t it make a wormhole or something?
Leif:
Like that’s the weirdest thing that’s happened in this kitchen?
Caspar:
Good point, okay, just be careful don’t make eye contact.
Leif:
Why shouldn’t I make eye contact?
Caspar:
I have no idea.
Leif:
Just let me look... Okay... That’s me.
Caspar:
Yes.
Leif:
Wow. People should not have to see themselves 20 years in the future.
Caspar:
No they shouldn’t.
Leif:
What’s he doing here? What do you think he wants?
Caspar:
I don’t know. He seems mad about something. Like the years have not been kind.
Leif:
I guess I make a time machine at some point?
Caspar:
Yeah, or at some point in the future they’re on sale and you figure “Hey why not?”
Leif:
I guess I’ve got to go talk to him.
Caspar:
I doubt he’s here for the Monte Cristo. But listen, we’re on Thegrion, it’s a solemn occasion, let’s not mess it up for these people.
Leif:
It’ll be fine probably. Man the kitchen for a second.
Caspar:
I don’t know how it works back here.
Leif:
It’s on auto-pilot. I’ll be back.
Caspar:
It’s on... wait. Auto-pilot?
Sfx: Kitchen sounds fade. DIner fades back in.
Leif:
Hey, guys. So have you heard about our table 12 situation?
Zebulon:
We’re of a particular opinion about table 12, Leif.
Effie:
Leif, hear me. Do not trust whomever sits at table 12. They are not to be trusted.
Leif:
It’s me sitting at table 12. From the future.
Effie:
Oh is that right? Why do you think so? Because he says he is? Because he looks like you? Do you know who can change form and speak in many tongues?
Leif:
Okay, I heard you guys were on one today.
Effie:
The DEVIL, Leif. That’s who. The deceiver. Trust no word from his mouth.
Zebulon:
If I may offer an explanation closer to your particular vocabulary, Leif. To many, our establishment looks like a diner but in fact is so much more. So perhaps when we are presented with a entity that both walks and talks like a duck, we should not be so quick to exclaim, “There a duck be.”
Leif:
Okay, sure. I get it. Let’s get this over with.
Effie:
Would that I had holy water to splash.
Zebulon:
Let us pray, Dear.
Leif:
Hello.
Old Leif:
Hello, Leif.
Leif:
Monte Cristo’s coming right up. A little surprised by the side salad, I wouldn’t have made that call.
Old Leif:
Yeah, well. Give it time.
Leif:
Mind if I sit?
Old Leif:
Please.
Leif:
Okay. Let’s get right to it. You’re me.
Old Leif:
That’s right.
Leif:
Twenty years from now?
Old Leif:
Twenty three.
Leif:
Where’d you get the time machine?
Old Leif:
I bought it.
Leif:
Most places I go, time machines are illegal.
Old Leif:
Most places WE go, Leif. But you’d know where to go if you needed one, wouldn’t you?
Leif:
I suppose I would.
Old Leif:
And so, here I am.
Leif:
What’s so important that you had to break the law of some planet somewhere?
Old Leif:
In your experience, why does anyone go back in time to talk to themselves?
Leif:
You’re here to warn me about something.
Old Leif:
I’m here to knock some sense into you.
Leif:
Look, is this about B’Jolanth? I get it, she’s a great girl, I miss her sometimes too-
Old Leif:
I’m not talking about B’Jolanth you idiot, I’m talking about the Gold Mine.
Leif:
What about the Gold Mine?
Old Leif:
You walked away. You could’ve been somebody, Leif but you walked away from everything. I came back here to tell you you made a mistake. It’s time to get your ass back to Earth right now.
Sfx: kitchen sounds.
Gloria:
Hey, Leif can you make something called a “ Smörgås”? Oh.
Caspar:
Hi.
Gloria:
What are you doing back here?
Caspar:
Trying to figure out how the kitchen works. Leif said it was on auto-pilot and I thought that was an actual thing but NOTHING is happening automatically so it looks like that was just a fun joke.
Gloria:
Where is Leif?
Caspar:
Leif is trying to discreetly handle our situation at table 12.
Gloria:
What’s happening at table 12... c’mon, lay it on me.
Caspar:
Take a look.
Gloria:
... No.
Caspar:
Future Leif is at table 12.
Gloria:
That’s so weird.
Caspar:
It’s bizarre.
Gloria:
I can’t look away.
Caspar:
You should though. It’s like looking at an arc-welder, I can’t unsee it.
Gloria:
What is Old Leif doing here?
Caspar:
I don’t know. What would you say to yourself 20 years ago?
Gloria:
That Keanu Reeves will end up being the Johnny Depp you were expecting.
Caspar:
No, I’m serious, though. What could it be?
Gloria:
I don’t know, I don’t know anything about Leif.
Caspar:
Neither do I.
Gloria:
How is that possible?
Caspar:
I mean “before” Leif. Leif in the before times. He’s always very cagey about his life on Earth.
Gloria:
You both are, by the way.
Caspar:
This isn’t a conversation about sharing this is a conversation about the future, being here, at table 12.
Gloria:
It’s also a conversation about you burning that chicken, so give me the spatula.
Caspar:
Here.
Gloria:
It’s got to be a warning, right? Impending doom?
Caspar:
Is there any way it’s not impending doom?
Gloria:
I’m not going back in time to stop anything other than impeding doom. Oh! Hey. Ask Effie, you know how she’s got that weird woo-woo I-feel-the-spirits-are-talking-to-me thing?
Caspar:
I already talked to her, she thinks the devil is sitting at table 12.
Gloria:
Caspar, Jesus. Way to bury the lede.
Caspar:
It’s not actually The Devil.
Gloria:
She’s usually in the ballpark though. Whoever he is, he’s at least devil-adjacent.
Leif:
Hey guys.
Gloria:
Hey Leif.
Caspar:
Hey, what’s going on?
Leif:
Can you guys cover for me? Just for a minute.
Caspar:
Is everything okay?
Leif:
Yeah I just... I need a minute. Gloria, you’re good?
Gloria:
Yeah, just a regular kitchen, right?
Leif:
Until it’s not. Could you hand me my recipe book?
Gloria:
Yeah, is this it?
Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Leif, what’s going on?
Leif:
Nothing just... I need to think about something.
Caspar:
Sure. We’ll be fine. Your future self is sitting at table 12.
Leif:
Don’t worry about it. He was here to talk to me.
Caspar:
Okay, sure.
Sfx: Back door closing.
Gloria:
What the hell was that?
Caspar:
What?
Gloria:
“Hey Leif, what was the warning from the future?”
Caspar:
He’s still processing it.
Gloria:
I would also like to process it because the future, y’know, is coming.
Caspar:
Look I’ve never seen him like this, I’m going to give him some space.
Gloria:
Oh great. Old Leif could be here to warn us about a asteroid headed for the diner but the important thing is Young Leif’s personal space.
Caspar:
If an asteroid was going to destroy the diner, Old Leif wouldn’t be alive to warn us.
Gloria:
He would be if he was successful in warning us, which at this point, he doesn’t seem to be.
Caspar:
But the very presence of Old Leif would mean that he was successful.
Gloria:
Not if he was the only one to survive the asteroid strike that may or may not be happening.
Caspar:
Hm.
Gloria:
I’m doing the cooking. Can you handle the time travel, please?
Caspar:
Okay. Okay, I’m going to go talk to Leif.
Gloria:
Which one?
Caspar:
Uh. Old Leif. I’m going to talk to Old Leif and see if I can get some sort of asteroid warning out of him.
Gloria:
Okay. Also coffee and water the tables.
Caspar:
Right.
Ava:
Guys, the Thegronies are getting restless.
Caspar:
Not the name.
Sfx: Kitchen sounds fade.
Caspar:
Hey, Effie? Do you have any additional information for me on table 12 other than “It’s the Devil”.
Effie:
Oh, I’m sorry, exactly how detailed do my omens need to be other than “It is the Dark Lord, Defiler of Paradise?”
Caspar:
Fine. Fine. Any other portents of doom, like say and asteroid falling out of the sky?
Effie:
Yes, an Asteroid named Satan who fell from the sky when he was cast from heaven-
Caspar:
Okay okay okay. Never mind... I’m going to table 12.
Zebulon:
And The Lord goes with you, Caspar.
Caspar:
Hey, Old Leif.
Old Leif:
Caspar.
Caspar:
Mind if I sit?
Old Leif:
Be my guest.
Caspar:
So, let me ask you this, is there an asteroid headed for the diner right now?
Old Leif:
Why would I go somewhere that’s about to be hit by an asteroid?
Caspar:
To warn us.
Old Leif:
Let’s see, an asteroid hitting the ground. That will be a several-hundred kiloton explosion, I’m guessing.
Caspar:
Okay.
Old Leif:
If I wanted to warn you I imagine I’d just call you on the telephone under the counter rather than risk getting obliterated with everyone else.
Caspar:
Okay. I’ll strike that off the list. Why are you here, then?
Old Leif:
Look. We get to know each other pretty well, you and I. I know how you feel about staying here forever if you have to. But Leif? Leif walked away from a gold mine back on Earth and wound up here. I’ve lived through the consequences of that and I’m not going to let him do it. It’s time for Leif to go home.
Caspar:
Like... a LITERAL gold mine?
Old Leif:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Leif was a... gold miner?
Old Leif:
I’ve said enough. I didn’t come here to talk to you, I came here to talk to him. Now I’m going to sit here and wait for two things. For Leif to get his head right, and for a Monte Cristo sandwich. I know this is a big day for you Caspar, why don’t you get back to taking care of the Thegronies.
Caspar:
God damn. We really went with “ Thegronies”?
Sfx: Kitchen sounds.
Ava:
So 20 years from now Leif gets his hands on a time machine and comes back here to warn himself about something?
Gloria:
Looks like it, yeah.
Ava:
But we don’t know what it is.
Gloria:
No.
Ava:
Well... that’s lame.
Gloria:
It’s lame?
Ava:
Yes, time travel is lame.
Caspar:
Okay. I talked to him. No impending doom.
Gloria:
At all?
Caspar:
No. Apparently he’s here to get Leif to go back to Earth.
Gloria:
Why?
Caspar:
I don’t know. It was weird. Something about walking away from a gold mine.
Gloria:
A gold mine? A literal gold mine or a figurative gold mine?
Caspar:
I think it’s a literal gold mine.
Gloria:
Oh come on. That’s ridiculous. Leif is a gold miner?
Caspar:
I know it sounds ridiculous, but would you put it past him?
Ava:
No I can totally see him with the little hat with the light on it.
Gloria:
Is he going to go?
Caspar:
I don’t know. Have you seen him?
Gloria:
He’s not back yet.
Caspar:
He’s probably in the office.
Gloria:
There’s an office!?
Ava:
It’s just lawn chairs on the roof, they call it the office.
Gloria:
What the hell, guys? I am sick of not knowing things. We’ve got a yearly gig on Thegrion, didn’t know that! Leif’s a gold miner, THERE’S AN OFFICE?!
Caspar:
It’s not really an office.
Gloria:
Oh really? Is it not REALly an office, Caspar? You know I work very hard here.
Caspar:
You really do, things are way better because you’re here.
Gloria:
Well as a way of thanking me can you please figure some shit out! Figure out what’s going on with Leif, because something’s not right. I had a look inside his “recipe book” when I handed it to him. That’s not a recipe book. There’s math in there, and drawings!
Ava:
What kind of math?
Gloria:
I don’t know what the kinds of math are!
Ava:
Like mostly letters or mostly numbers?
Gloria:
Letters, I guess.
Ava:
Any symbols you didn’t recognize?
Gloria:
Yes. What?
Ava:
What did the drawings look like?
Gloria:
I don’t know, um... One looked like a monster face but with one whisker that was like a curly pig’s tail.
Ava:
Ha! Goddamn.
Caspar:
What’s happening?
Ava:
I’m going up to the office. Shit just got real hilarious which means I am now fully invested!
Sfx: Back door closes.
Gloria:
What’s that about?
Caspar:
I have no idea. I’ll be right back.
Sfx: diner sounds fade back in.
Caspar:
Hey, Effie, Zebulon. I know you can only tell me what “The Lord” tells you but do you think “The Lord” could’ve given me a heads up about Leif possibly going back home to Earth?... Guys?
Zebulon:
Caspar, I believe my wife is currently feeling a certain way about you right now.
Caspar:
Really, how’s that?
Zebulon:
The most appropriate word I could use to describe it would be... Miffed.
Caspar:
Miffed. Great. I’m sorry, Effie... Effie?
Zebulon:
I believe she would like you to craft an apology more appropriate to the moment, Caspar.
Caspar:
Oh for God’s.... Effie I want you to know that I’m sorry and that I greatly appreciate the predictions of the future you give us that are so incredibly vague that they are impossible to act on in the moment-
Zebulon:
So when I said “Appropriate to the moment”...
Caspar:
Fine. Fine. Fine. Effie, I should’ve listened to you. Though it is not actually The Devil sitting at table 12 there is definitely a Satan-like quality to him in that he is trying to tempt Leif away from the diner. I promise I will do better in the future to be more respectful of all that you do for us.
Effie:
I’m not sure if I should accept this apology, husband.
Zebulon:
Well it’s the Christian thing to do.
Effie:
Agreed, agreed. I shall prepare myself to forgive you, Caspar.
Caspar:
Thanks so much.
Zebulon:
And how are you feeling, Caspar?
Caspar:
What?
Zebulon:
By your account Leif is considering a return to his home. It may cause YOU to feel a certain way.
Caspar:
It’s not a prison planet, people can leave anytime they want.
Zebulon:
Yes, they can, my friend.
Sfx: Diner sounds fade. Sounds of a tranquil night on an alien world. Sounds of a rickety aluminum ladder.
Ava:
This fucking. Piece of shit. Ladder.
Leif:
Ava? What are you doing?
Ava:
Contracting tetanus probably. This ladder is a death trap.
Leif:
Be careful.
Ava:
I’m being careful. Goddamn it. There. Hello, Leif.
Leif:
What are you doing up here?
Ava:
Give me your recipe book.
Leif:
Why?
Ava:
Because it’s not a recipe book.
Leif:
How do you know?
Ava:
Because there’s calculations in it. Gloria said she saw a drawing of a monster’s face with a single whisker like a curly pig’s tail. But that’s not a drawing of a monster’s face, Leif. That’s a Feynman Diagram. To chart the collision of particles. So you either take your chili recipe very seriously or that’s not a recipe book, that’s an engineering notebook.
Leif:
Here. Take it.
Ava:
Thank you.
Sfx: Pages turning.
Ava:
Well... This is like the Sears catalog, isn’t it?
Leif:
It’s just some ideas.
Ava:
Cold fusion... c’mon, perpetual motion machine?
Leif:
I’ve almost got that one.
Sfx: Book closing.
Ava:
Where’d you go to school, Leif.
Leif:
Berkeley.
Ava:
Oh, YUCK. Dr. Brooks?
Leif:
He’s brilliant.
Ava:
He smells like celery.
Leif:
Look, I used to work at this place. It was called-
Ava:
The Large Underground Xenon experiment. Or “LUX” for short?
Leif:
Shit. How did you know?
Ava:
What do you mean, how did I know? I’m a genius, idiot. Have I not told you lately?
Leif:
You’ve actually told me way more times than an average person should.
Ava:
The other Leif down there kept saying you walked away from a gold mine. The Large Underground Xenon experiment. Conducted at the bottom of an abandoned GOLD MINE in South Dakota... What’d you find down there, Leif?
Leif:
We found what we were looking for.
Ava:
Dark matter.
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Wow. That’s huge, Leif.
Leif:
We found it in week three. It was a two year experiment. So we just kept going. At month six I had captured it. At month eighteen I had made a battery and was powering a halogen bulb with it.
Ava:
You discovered an unlimited source of clean energy on Earth.
Leif:
Yes.
Ava:
And now you’re making brunch for the Thegronies one galaxy over, what happened?
Leif:
No good deed goes unpunished, right? We were getting ready to show the world what we had discovered down at the bottom of that gold mine. We fantasized about a world full of free energy. No pollution, no rolling blackouts. And then one night, we came up from the mine and someone was waiting for us.
Ava:
The government.
Leif:
Yes. But not of Earth.
Ava:
What? You’re saying an alien race came and took your toys away?
Leif:
They were a concerned neighbor.
Ava:
What are you talking about?
Leif:
You know at Christmas time when a neighbor comes over and lets you know that your Christmas lights could possibly burn your house down? Imagine that but on a planetary scale.
Ava:
An alien race said that your experiment was going to destroy everything?
Leif:
They’re called the Teds. They’re like the hall monitors of the Milky Way. They see an emerging civilization about to destroy itself and they politely step in and say “Hey, you’re about to destroy everything, guys.”
Ava:
Seriously, “The Teds”?
Leif:
I don’t know what to tell you, their planet is called Ted. They’re the Teds, it’s a stupid name.
Ava:
How did you take them seriously with a name like The Teds?
Leif:
I took them seriously because they came down in a big glowing space ship, they could’ve been called the Abe Vigodas.
Ava:
Fine. Can you explain to me how in the world an unlimited source of clean energy could destroy anything?
Leif:
You know the end of that thought. Someone was going to turn it into a weapon. Somehow.
Ava:
I find that hard to believe, Leif.
Leif:
Somebody always does. You know Taoist Monks invented gunpowder. They used it for medicine. Look what happened.
Ava:
And this friendly alien neighbor named Ted, you just took their word for it?
Leif:
They made a very convincing argument. What I made down there was going to change the world. But the world has to be ready for change. You know, I’ve got this meat cleaver down in the kitchen. I use it for everything, it’s great. Chopping meat, breaking down a chicken, I can’t live without it. But if I took this incredibly useful tool and put it in the hands of a three-year-old it would just be dangerous. They convinced me that I had invented a meat cleaver on a planet full of three-year-olds. Anyway... they were going to take our research. Leave us with nothing. So I made some demands. One demand. I said if they were going to take away my life’s work, then they had to give me a ride.
Ava:
A ride?
Leif:
They dropped me off at Sirius A. There’s a massive station there. Ships going to every part of the galaxy. I got a job as a cook on a ship. And then another and another. And then...
Ava:
And then suddenly there was a diner.
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Well, origin stories are fun. So what about the Leif downstairs? He says you made a mistake?
Leif:
He says that in twenty years Earth manages to mess itself up anyway. And if that’s the case, why not at least have the fame? Why not at least be one of those guys, Nobel Prize, shapers of the world or whatever.
Ava:
Why not?
Leif:
I can’t stay out here forever can I?
Ava:
You can.
Leif:
Should I?
Ava:
Leif, I don’t know.
Leif:
How long are you going to stay out here?
Ava:
As long as it takes.
Leif:
As long as it takes to do what?
Ava:
Figure it out.
Leif:
Figure what out?
Ava:
Everything.
Leif:
Everything?
Ava:
Yes.
Leif:
Literally all the things, you’re going to figure them out?
Ava:
Correct.
Leif:
That’s a tall order.
Ava:
Yes. But we have a ladder. Look... I didn’t come up here to help you decide, I mainly came up here to brag that I figured out your secret. And now I’m done bragging so I think you should come down from the treehouse and face yourself.
Sfx: Sounds of the diner.
Caspar:
Okay, one Monte Cristo sandwich for the temporal anomaly.
Old Leif:
Thanks.
Caspar:
Anything else?
Old Leif:
Yeah. I’ve got a cruiser in orbit to take us back to Earth. They’re not going to wait forever, can you tell Leif to speed it up back there?
Caspar:
We happen to be in the middle of a brunch service here.
Old Leif:
Brunch service for a planet full of people still crying over something that happened 100 years ago? I can see why that’s important to someone like you, Caspar, but there’s bigger issues at play here.
Caspar:
Okay, it’s becoming clear that I share WAY too much with you in the years to come.
Leif:
Hey, I’m back. Caspar give us a minute, okay?
Caspar:
Sure, sure. Let me know if you need anything.
Leif:
You know, it’s pretty hard for me to look at that side salad.
Old Leif:
Yeah, you’re hilarious. Have you worked out all your little feelings yet? Can we get out of here?
Leif:
What’s the plan exactly?
Old Leif:
The plan is, we get on the ship I booked and go back to Earth. You revive your research and line up investors.
Leif:
What about the Teds?
Old Leif:
I’ll handle the Teds, I know how to deal with them. You focus on erasing your screw ups.
Leif:
You feel this comfortable being an asshole to yourself?
Old Leif:
I feel just fine. Oh, I’m sorry Lief, do you not like me?
Leif:
No. Not at all.
Old Leif:
Then how about you devote the rest of your life to not ending up like me? How’s that sound?
Leif:
Okay. Okay, fine. If that’s what it takes.
Effie:
Caspar, what transpires at table 12?
Caspar:
I don’t know, Leif’s having a conversation with himself.
Zebulon:
We are very concerned about said conversation, Caspar.
Caspar:
Really? I hadn’t noticed.
Effie:
I don’t see how you can let him sit down with such a master of lies.
Caspar:
Effie, it’s not the devil. It’s just Leif. Again. It’s Leif twice.
Ava:
What’s going on down here?
Caspar:
Leif is sitting down with himself and Effie is trying to convince me that it’s not actually another Leif, that’s it’s actually someone else.
Ava:
It is actually someone else.
Effie:
HA!
Caspar:
What?!
Ava:
It is.
Effie:
(Gasps) Dearest!
Zebulon:
What is it, darling?
Effie:
There is another.
Sfx: Door chime. Footsteps.
Even Older Leif:
What’s popping, Thegronies? I’m looking for a couple of Leifs!
Sfx: diner noises stop.
Zebulon:
Even older Leif?
Ava:
Oh, this is getting real dumb.
Even Older Leif:
There they are! Aloha, dickheads!
Old Leif:
What the hell is this?!
Leif:
Is that me again?!
Even Older Leif:
That’s right, Leif. It’s you. FORTY years in the future!
Caspar:
Are you fucking kidding me?
Even Older Leif:
Leif, this older version of you has come from the future to convince you that you’ve made a terrible mistake. Guess what grand-dad’s here to do?
Ava:
Is he going to sing? I hope he sings.
Even Older Leif:
Leif, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the second version of you has turned out to be an intolerable fuck-face. And he is now using that fuck-facery to try and convince you to go back to Earth so that you won’t become him.
Caspar:
I’m going to need a flow-chart for this.
Even Older Leif:
But I’m here to tell you that the next 20 years are different. You spent years wasting your time being as bitter as baker’s chocolate when you could’ve spent all that time making sweet love to all kinds of alien ladies, am I right, Thegronies? Who’s with me?
Caspar:
(On the overhead speaker) Ahem. Attention everyone named Leif, please report to the cash register at this time, thank you. Thegronies, please resume mourning and we are sorry for the disturbance.
Ava:
(Whispering) Ha! Thegronies!
Caspar:
Oh Shut up.
Leif:
Caspar, I’m so sorry about this, I don’t know what’s going on.
Old Leif:
What the hell are you doing here? You really want to fuck up your life again?
Even Older Leif:
One man’s fucked up life is another man’s life of bliss, youngster.
Old Leif:
I can’t believe this. Do you ever learn? Ever!
Even Older Leif:
You know, usually when a person is angry at someone, they’re actually just mad at themselves. But this time it’s literally true!
Old Leif:
We have a notebook full of ideas that can change the world but you just want to stay out here?! Floating in the cosmos like a cork in the ocean?!
Even Older Leif:
Funny thing about changing the world. It just goes and changes again. And again. And again. And at a certain point you say to yourself “Am I changing the world? Or is the world just changing on it’s own and I keep convincing myself it was me that did it?”
Old Leif:
You’re a senile old man, you know that?
Even Older Leif:
I’m not going to lie to you, you could be right. The years have not been kind to this gray matter, but let me ask you this. If you’re in a argument with a senile old man and you’re LOSING, well what does that say about you?
Caspar:
Leifs, this is not the time or the place for this, can we wrap this up somehow?
Old Leif:
Good idea. Leif, pack your shit, let’s get out of here and forgot about this old idiot.
Leif:
I don’t know, he’s making some valid points.
Old Leif:
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Ava:
You know what Leifs? This has been a hoot, but I think I can put an end to this nonsense. Give me a sec.
Caspar:
Where are you going?
Ava:
Relax.
Old Leif:
This is really what you want? Making eggs for a bunch of sad saps on the far end of some galaxy when you can finally be respected for who you are?
Leif:
Who am I?
Gloria:
Ava, what are you doing? I’ve got poached eggs happening-
Ava:
Old Leif, Older Leif, meet Gloria.
Old Leif/Even Older Leif:
Who is that? You don’t know? Stop copying me!
Gloria:
There’s three of them now?
Old Leif/Even Older Leif:
How does she know us? Seriously, stop it!
Ava:
Oh, I’m sorry, don’t you know Gloria our new waitress? You should since you’re two know-it-alls from the future.
Even Older Leif:
Did I know her and then forget I know her?
Old Leif:
I don’t understand, how is this possible?
Leif:
Why don’t they know Gloria?
Ava:
They don’t know her, because time-travel is what Gloria?
Gloria:
Lame?
Ava:
Because time travel is lame.
Caspar:
Can you maybe expand on that-
Ava:
I am going to make a fist. And I am going to punch Caspar in the arm.
Caspar:
Great.
Ava:
And when my fist hits his arm it will spawn infinite timelines within infinite timelines as every action does. In one timeline it somehow kills him, in one timeline I miss his arm completely-
Caspar:
Can I pick, or-
Ava:
In one timeline, I’m somehow Margot Kidder.
Caspar:
Bad dates, Indy.
Ava:
And with infinite timelines upon infinite timelines, you three allegedly smart men still have a simplistic Michael J. Fox-ass concept of time travel.
Even Older Leif:
Well, shit.
Ava:
You didn’t go back in time to talk to Leif. You went back in time to talk to A Leif, of infinite Leifs. So there’s no way to tell how he’s going to end up. Will he be bitter old Leif? Will he be even older zen-like Leif? Could be both, could be none. There’s no way of knowing. So all your attempts to influence Leif are just making more and more infinite timelines that are completely out of your control.
Caspar:
Is there a timeline where I murder you for not mentioning this earlier?
Ava:
No there isn’t, because in every timeline you are a big wuss.
Gloria:
So in their timeline, I don’t work here?
Ava:
Correct.
Gloria:
How did you know that?
Ava:
I didn’t. It was just a hunch.
Old Leif:
How did I not see this?
Even Older Leif:
I mean, I’ve got an excuse because I’m super old and forget things, not sure how you missed it.
Old Leif:
So what am I supposed to do now? Just go back to my old crappy timeline and deal with it’s crappiness?
Caspar:
It’s what all of us do every day, isn’t it?
Old Leif:
This sucks.
Zebulon:
Well this is certainly an astounding turn of events. I must confess, I don’t really understand much of what’s happening but I do know that Old Leif seems to suffer the pains of regret.
Old Leif:
Please not a bible verse.
Effie:
I recall Phillippians-
Old Leif:
For fuck’s sake.
Effie:
Forgetting those things which are behind me, reaching forth unto those that are before me, I press toward the high calling of God.
Old Leif:
Wow! Look at that! Everything’s better now!
Leif:
You know, Old Leif, in a way your plan worked. By just meeting you there is no way I’m going to end up being you, because being you looks really miserable, man. I don’t even have to go back to Earth to do that, I could just, y’know, NOT be you.
Old Leif:
Well that’s great for you but guess what? I’m still me and I’m still miserable.
Even Older Leif:
Look, youngster, I know how you feel. I know how you feel because twenty years ago I was feeling the exact same way you’re feeling right now. So I’ll tell you what? I’m going to offer you what I wished older me would have offered me back when I was you.
Caspar:
I’m so confused right now.
Even Older Leif:
I know for a fact that if there’s anything you excel at it’s beating yourself up. So let’s do this thing for real.
Old Leif:
What are you saying?
Even Older Leif:
I’m saying you and me, out in the parking lot. Just our hatred for ourselves and our own bare knuckles. Fist fight in the parking lot!
Caspar:
Shhhhhhhhhh! No no no no no Tyler Durden! Thegronies. Solemn occasion.
Old Leif:
No. No, I think that’s a good idea. That feels good. I think I would like that.
Ava:
My hand is up, I would like that as well.
Old Leif:
I think I’ve got some pent up aggression. I think that would be good for me.
Even Older Leif:
Now we’re talking.
Gloria:
Oh whatever, I’m going back in the kitchen.
Caspar:
There is not going to be a fist fight in the parking lot while people are mourning, this isn’t Boston!
Even Older Leif:
Caspar, Caspar, chill chill, man. Look, I may be out of my timeline here but I think I know the Thegronies. Watch this... Attention Thegronies.
Sfx: Diner quiets down.
Even Older Leif:
One-hundred years ago something terrible happened on this planet. Millions of people died in a terrible plague. And as I have just learned today, there are no true time machines in life. Even the things we literally call time machines are not actually time machines, it’s complicated I won’t get into it here, but look, you can’t turn back the clock. What’s done is done. For too long the people of this planet have hung their heads in pain and loss. And to what end? How long must the mourning persist. Would those who have passed on want us to say goodbye forever? And if it is forever, is it even a goodbye? Maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time to cast aside our mourning garments, lift up our heads, go out into that parking lot, and watch two grown-ass men beat the crap out of each other, what do you say?
Sfx: Affirmations from the crowd.
Even Older Leif:
Yeah? Are you with me? Let’s shake the dust off Thegrion! Alright, everybody out in the parking lot, the fight starts in 5 minutes!
Sfx: the entire crowd moving out the front door.
Even Older Leif:
Everybody get a good spot!
Old Leif:
I’ve been looking forward to this my whole life and I didn’t even realize it. I’m going out there.
Caspar:
Ava, what are you doing?
Ava:
I’m getting this jug of moonshine and going out in the parking lot to watch a fist fight. Suck on that, Steven Hawking.
Caspar:
This is ridiculous.
Even Older Leif:
Leif, Caspar, listen, I know this whole thing seems a little bananas but Old Leif really needs this right now. He’s got a lot of issues to work out.
Caspar:
Issues? Are you kidding me? He’s going to kill you out there, what are you eighty?
Even Older Leif:
Eighty-three. But listen, just between us, at this point in my life I’m, like, thirty percent cybernetic. He will not be expecting my left hook because it is made of high tensile chromite. Right? You guys coming? It’s going to be a barn burner.
Caspar:
Nope.
Leif:
No thank you.
Even Older Leif:
Fair enough, fair enough.
Caspar:
Leif, why don’t we go back in the kitchen and avoid the psychologically scarring vision of you being the shit out of you.
Leif:
Good call.
Even Older Leif:
Later, boys!
Leif:
Hey, Even Older Leif... are you happy?
Even Older Leif:
Happy? What’s that mean? I am, Leif. I am.
Leif:
Yeah, okay.
Even Older Leif:
Effie, Zebulon, it’s been a treat seeing you two again.
Zebulon:
Even Older Leif, it has been heartening to know that Leif has found some peace in his later years. Though, we must say, we find physical violence to be abhorrent, isn’t that right, my dear?
Effie:
I... yes. It’s, we... Yes. It’s bad.
Zebulon:
Dear?
Effie:
Yes, yes, of course. Our Lord is a God of peace.
Zebulon:
Indeed.
Effie:
Unless you’re a merchant outside the temple, then look out for the chokehold of Jesus.
Zebulon:
Honey!
Effie:
Oh, I’m sorry dear. You know I have a special affinity for fisticuffs ever since-
Even Older Leif:
Ever since your wedding. I remember the story. Your cousin Bobby said something to insult your honor and Zebulon knocked two of his teeth out, isn’t that right, Zeb?
Zebulon:
Well, I was young and impetuous.
Even Older Leif:
I love that story. You know, you two are a couple of the best friends I ever had.
Effie:
That’s heartening to hear, Leif.
Even Older Leif:
In light of that, I should probably tell you why I really came here today.
Effie:
Why you... really came here?
Even Older Leif:
You asked me to, Effie. Many years from now.
Zebulon:
Oh my. Why did she do that?
Even Older Leif:
Well, it’s a little hard to explain to a couple of Arkansawyers in 1925. Let’s put it this way, I’m going to attach a small device to the back of the radio.
Sfx: device activating.
Even Older Leif:
It’s going to make the voice of The Lord a lot easier to hear. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing.
Zebulon:
Take my hand, dear.
Even Older Leif:
There we go. No harm done. Now, when things get weird in the days to come, just remember it’s all part of the plan.
Effie:
But, I am scared of the plan.
Even Older Leif:
No need, Effie. You know exactly what you’re doing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head out to the parking lot and kick my ass. It was good to see you again, guys.
Sfx: Footsteps. Door chime.
Zebulon:
Let’s pray, my dear.
Sfx: kitchen sounds.
Song: Cubanakan by Lecuona Cuban Boys.
Caspar:
Just so you know, if future me ever shows up, I quit.
Leif:
Thanks for taking over, Gloria. Everything go okay?
Gloria:
It did, it was nice to be back in a kitchen. I kept losing the parmesan, though.
Leif:
Yeah, the parmesan doesn’t have spatial permanence, you’re going to have to look for it every time.
Gloria:
Sure.
Caspar:
You doing okay, Leif?
Leif:
Yeah, I’m alright. Weird day.
Caspar:
A bit odd, yeah.
Leif:
Is it weird that I feel normal right now?
Caspar:
Yes.
Gloria:
No.
Leif:
It’s not?
Gloria:
No.
Caspar:
We had visitors from the future, Gloria.
Gloria:
I know. But right now, out in the parking lot there is a fist fight going on between the person Leif could’ve become and the person Leif wound up being. You don’t know who’s winning and you don’t know who to root for. And they’ll fight out there forever if you let them. And that is the most human thing that has happened since I got here.
Caspar:
Look at Gloria. Working the grill, delivering truisms.
Leif:
What is that music?
Gloria:
Is that Latin music?
Caspar:
Are Zeb and Effie playing latin music?
Gloria:
I think they are.
Leif:
Huh.
Gloria:
Huh.
Caspar:
Hmmm.
The end