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Midnight burger
Chapter 4: What’s the Frequency, Dearest?
Sfx: Music. Sound of the cosmos flying by.
Gloria:
You’re just going to sit there and watch me fill these ramekins?
Ava:
I like manual labor, it helps me think.
Gloria:
Well then do some.
Ava:
No, watching it helps me think. It’s like watching a line of ants, it’s very relaxing.
Gloria:
Fine. Hey. Speaking of relaxed, do you ever feel like Leif is almost TOO relaxed? He goes with the flow no matter what, it’s weird.
Ava:
Oh yeah? Watch this. Hey, Leif?
Leif:
(In the kitchen) Yeah?
Ava:
I’ve been thinking about it and, I don’t know, I still feel like a hot dog is a sandwich.
Sfx: Pots and pans crashing.
Leif:
(In the kitchen) For fuck’s sake!
Gloria:
Oh my God.
Leif:
I can’t believe we have to go through this again. AGAIN!
Ava:
But it’s in my hand and it’s between two things.
Leif:
It is SURROUND by ONE THING on THREE SIDES. What are you not getting about this?
Ava:
I don’t see how that can’t be a sandwich.
Leif:
You don’t SEE? YOU don’t see?
Gloria:
Leif, oh my God.
Ava:
It seems like you have a very limited definition of a sandwich.
Leif:
That’s the whole- how can-...
Gloria:
What is happening?
Leif:
What was that award you got? The gravity thing?
Ava:
Well, I’ve received many accolades, Leif.
Leif:
You gave some sort of speech in Belgium.
Ava:
The Society of European Physicists? My award winning paper on gravity waves?
Leif:
Exactly. You figured something out that literally no one on Earth had figured out and you can’t WRAP your MIND around HAND FOOD TAXONOMY!
Caspar:
Leif, what are you yelling about?
Gloria:
Sandwiches apparently.
Caspar:
Again, Ava?
Ava:
I’m a scientist, I have a commitment to the truth.
Leif:
I don’t have time for this.
Zebulon:
No, you do not, for we are only two hours from our new destination and Leif has not cleaned the grill yet.
Leif:
Narc.
Caspar:
Gloria, are we ready up here?
Gloria:
Yeah, just let me put out these sugars. Hey Effie, where are we headed?
Effie:
Well I’m certain that I don’t know, Dear.
Caspar:
You’re not doing it right, Gloria.
Gloria:
Right. Effie what does THE LORD tell you about where we’re headed?
Effie:
The lord tells me of a golden city surrounded by-
Gloria:
WHOA-
Sfx: Trip and fall. Radio crashing to the ground. Radio static.
Ava:
Uh-oh.
Gloria:
Oh no.
Caspar:
What happened?
Gloria:
I tripped and I accidentally... I knocked the radio over.
Caspar:
Zeb? Effie? Can you hear us?... Guys?
Gloria:
I think the dial might have moved a little bit. What station was it on?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Gloria:
You don’t know?
Caspar:
I’ve never changed the station before.
Gloria:
Ever?
Caspar:
They always told me not to.
Gloria:
Well, what do we do?
Ava:
Guys. Why are you freaking out? Just search around for the station.
Sfx: diner slowing down and stopping.
Caspar:
Why are we stopping? It’s not time for us to stop.
Gloria:
Did I break the diner?
Caspar:
Ava, where are we?
Ava:
Um... Space.
Caspar:
Can you narrow that down?
Ava:
The bad part?
Caspar:
Ava.
Ava:
Have a look.
Caspar:
What is that?
Ava:
It’s a gazebo, what do you think it is?
Caspar:
That thing you do? That I hate? Where you joke around in a moment of crisis?
Ava:
It’s a supermassive black hole.
Caspar:
Are we heading towards it?
Ava:
Technically everything is.
Leif:
Hey, what’s going on, have we stopped already? Whoa. Is that what I think it is?
Caspar:
That depends, do you think it’s imminent doom?
Leif:
What the hell happened?
Gloria:
I broke the diner.
Caspar:
We don’t know what happened. Gloria accidentally moved the dial on the radio, we lost Zeb and Effie, then everything stopped.
Leif:
We’re not supposed to change the station.
Gloria:
It was an accident.
Leif:
Well let’s get them back.
Caspar:
I don’t know what the station is, do you?
Leif:
I don’t know what the station is, I’ve never changed it.
Caspar:
Well we’re a finely-tuned Swiss watch again, aren’t we?
Ava:
I don’t want to add too much urgency to the situation, but a supermassive black hole has the mass of one million suns and we’re basically swan diving into it right now.
Caspar:
That’s too many suns. Someone should fix that.
Gloria:
We’ll be okay, right? Isn’t this place indestructible or something?
Leif:
It may be, we’re sure as hell not.
Ava:
I’d rather not die by being compressed into a ball of matter the size of a Boba, but I would get some great data right before that.
Gloria:
Okay, I’m just going to start cranking on the dial until I hear someone from Arkansas... Okay... Okay there are no numbers on the dial.
Ava:
Would it matter if there were?
Gloria:
Guess not. Okay, here we go.
Sfx: Static snaps into intro music for sports broadcast.
Effie:
Welcome back sports fans, I’m Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton, the sun is shining, the grass is green, which could only mean it’s time to put some blood on it.
Caspar:
Effie? Effie can you hear us?
Effie:
Today we’ll watch as the Indiana Colts attempt to stampede all over the Miami Dolphins, and though the visual of horses trampling dolphins is a disturbing one, none of that matters because it’s football season!
Sfx: rotary phone dialing
Effie:
That’s right it’s once again time for the greatest athletes in the world to toss around a pig skin while you sit at home tossing around a bag of pig skins because you’re too lazy to walk them across the room to your roommate. Bram?
Caspar:
Leif, what are you doing?
Leif:
Off-Planet Betting, this is going to be a good game.
Gloria:
We have a phone?
Zebulon:
Kitty the championship season is quickly approaching and teams are beginning to drop off the roster faster than you can say Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57 and the Chiefs squeeze past the Ravens 11 to 13, but let’s get to the real news of the day.
Effie:
Let’s do it!
Leif:
Yeah, Gork? It’s Leif, give me 500 on the Colts.
Gloria:
But what is the phone connected to?
Ava:
Guys.
Zebulon:
Teams win or lose but the real news from coast to coast is one name and one name only.
Effie:
That’s right.
Zebulon:
Mister Raynard Lewis.
Effie:
Sweet number 17 himself.
Ava:
Guys! Take it off the station!
Zebulon:
19 touchdowns in his rookie season, ready to go even further this season and very, very popular with the ladies.
Effie:
Oh, I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates, he’s got a brand new KEY TO MY PANTS!
Ava:
Take it off!
Gloria:
Okay!
Sfx: Radio static.
Caspar:
What’s the problem?
Ava:
We’re moving faster. We picked up speed as soon as the station came on.
Gloria:
Does the radio control the diner?
Caspar:
No. I mean, I don’t think so.
Leif:
Since when is there a relationship between Zeb and Effie and the diner’s navigation?
Caspar:
There probably always was, we just never changed the station before.
Gloria:
If only there was a scientist around to figure this out for us.
Ava:
You want me to figure it out right now?
Gloria:
I feel like that’s something you should know.
Leif:
This has definitely never happened before.
Gloria:
Guys, c’mon.
Caspar:
How were we supposed to know?
Gloria:
I have an excuse because I just got here. You mean to tell me it never occurred to anyone to say “Hey, there’s a sentient old-timey radio in this diner. I wonder what that’s all about.”
Caspar:
Um... Ava?
Ava:
I was getting around to it.
Leif:
Isn’t this more of an after-we’re-out-of-danger conversation?
Caspar:
Good point. Ava, how much time do we have?
Ava:
I don’t know, there’s not a speedometer on the diner.
Caspar:
Let’s try another station.
Leif:
That’ll make us go faster won’t it?
Caspar:
Will it?
Gloria:
Can we not “ guestimate” our way into the supermassive black hole?
Caspar:
I’m trying another station, we can’t just sit here. Okay... Here we go...
Sfx: radio static. NPR music.
Effie:
Welcome back to All Things Considered, I’m Lakshmi Noguchi-Tutu. Twenty-three refugees from Syria have been stranded in a rickety boat off the coast of Sicily without any nation offering asylum. For more on this, here’s Habib Westervelt-Fischel.
Zebulon:
For twenty-nine days now these Syrian refugees have been in a living hell right off the coast of paradise.
Ava:
No. No no no. Off.
Sfx: radio static.
Caspar:
Shit.
Ava:
We’re going faster again.
Leif:
What the hell?
Gloria:
If we do nothing we get sucked in; if we do something we get sucked in faster; what the fuck are we supposed to do?
Caspar:
Let’s start paddling.
Ava:
Hang on, hang on... Oh balls.
Leif:
What is it?
Ava:
The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57... squeeze past the Ravens 11 to 13... Number 17... 19 touchdowns... 23 refugees 29 days... goddamnit.
Gloria:
Can we get an invite to the brain party?
Ava:
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.
Caspar:
Are you playing Keno, or something?
Ava:
Prime numbers. All in a row, that can’t be a coincidence.
Gloria:
If it isn’t a coincidence, what IS it?
Ava:
Prime numbers are how you introduce yourself to an intelligent species. It’s kind of a, y’know, “Hey, how are you, we both recognize prime numbers.” They’re getting our attention.
Caspar:
So they can communicate with us?
Ava:
I’m guessing they can, but not directly.
Leif:
Great. Easy things are boring anyway.
Ava:
I need more data.
Gloria:
Okay, I’m a Capricorn-
Ava:
We need to turn the dial again.
Caspar:
I thought turning the dial sends us faster towards our big black friend.
Ava:
Right now our options are a quick death or a slow death. We should probably get some more options.
Caspar:
Okay, fine. Leif, you do it this time, maybe you’ll get lucky.
Leif:
Okay. Okay, yeah I’m feeling lucky. Here we go...
Sfx: Static. “Garden Time” music.
Effie:
Welcome back to Garden Time everyone, Liz here. I’m sitting down with Marv Garvin of the North Forks Community Garden Center. Marv, what should we be looking out for in our gardens right now?
Zebulon:
Well, Liz, as you know it is time for everyone to pull up their turnips.
Effie:
Yes.
Zebulon:
Things are getting very real out there.
Effie:
So real.
Zebulon:
Since late summer, gardeners everywhere have been asking themselves one question “Is my soil loose enough?” and now they’re about to find out.
Effie:
Like nature’s scratch-off lotto ticket.
Zebulon:
Oh my, that’s a good one, Liz.
Effie:
Thanks, Marv, we like to have fun. If you’ve got questions about your turnips, your beets, or whatever else you’re pulling up. Give us a call at 459-018-0360.
Sfx: rotary phone dialing.
Ava:
This is giving me nothing.
Gloria:
I’ve got an idea.
Effie:
Let’s jump right in. Our first caller is Gloria, oh my, all the way from Arizona. How are you today, Gloria.
Gloria:
Hey, Liz, long time first time, thanks so much for taking my call. I’ve got a really big black problem that I’m heading towards... in my garden, hope you can help.
Effie:
We’ll do our darndest, Gloria.
Gloria:
My problem is... What’s a gardening problem?
Caspar:
Blight?
Gloria:
Blight? Is that a thing?
Effie:
Hm.
Zebulon:
Hm.
Ava:
Oh, shit! Shut it off!
Sfx: radio static.
Leif:
What could you have possibly gotten from that?
Ava:
459-018-0360. We’re going to use a Cartesian Coordinate System on the radio dial. 45 degrees, 90 degrees, 180, and 360, that’s how we’re going to find stations on the dial. The dial didn’t have numbers now it has numbers.
Caspar:
So we’re just going to keep doing this decoder-ring bullshit until the black hole squeezes us like a lemon?
Ava:
Said the guy who’s not offering any solutions at all.
Gloria:
This is good, right? We know how to turn the dial now we need to know where. It’s good to have a plan, I like plans.
Caspar:
Everything we do to escape sends us faster into the black hole, I hate this plan.
Ava:
Tough titties.
Caspar:
Leif, what was that thing you did when we were stuck in that nebula?
Leif:
Vent the grease trap?
Caspar:
Yes, do that.
Leif:
Okay, hang on.
Ava:
That’s not going to slow us down at this point.
Caspar:
No, it’s not, Dr. Smartypants but if he vents the grease trap laterally it will give us spin around the black hole creating centrifugal force that will pull away from the center and slow us down at least a little bit. Who’s the scientist now?!
Ava:
Still not you.
Leif:
(From the kitchen) Hang on to something. This is going to be bumpy.
Sfx: grease venting into the void. Diner rattles. Radio static. Commercial music.
Gloria:
The dial moved!
Ava:
Everybody quiet.
Effie:
In today’s modern world, home cooking feels like a thing of the past. Here at Red Pantry, we give you the feeling of cooking for yourself without the burden of actually having to cook for yourself. We’ll deliver a fully prepared meal right to your door, then using our proprietary technology, create digitally altered photos of you shopping for, preparing, and eating your meal at a perfectly set table when really you’re eating it on your couch out of a styrofoam container and getting it on your shirt. We’ll even post the pictures for you to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or whatever bullshit they come up with next.
Zebulon:
Hi. I’m Django Hume, founder and CEO of Red Pantry. Like you, when I think of home cooking I think of having someone do something for me and then bragging like I was the one that did it. At Red Pantry we harness the collective power of over 137 other gig worker apps to bring the miracle of bragging about the food you made, right to your door.
Ava:
137 huh? Okay shut it off!
Sfx: radio static. Diner goes quiet.
Leif:
Okay, I vented all the grease. Hopefully that will bide us some time.
Ava:
Turn the dial to 137 degrees.
Gloria:
Ava.
Ava:
Pretend the dial has a clock face on it. Turn the dial to somewhere between 9 and 10 o’clock.
Gloria:
You can’t be any more specific than that?
Ava:
Just do it.
Gloria:
Okay, okay.
Sfx: radio channel surfing. 1040s radio show music.
Zebulon:
The Willis and Cabbage program, Presented by Lucky Strike. Smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. That’s just how you’ll feel when you light up a Lucky. Because Lucky’s fine tobacco will pick you up when you feel low, calms you down when you’re tense. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.
Leif:
Are you sure this is the right station?
Gloria:
Nobody knows.
Ava:
Damn, now I want a cigarette.
Caspar:
I thought this was supposed to be the right station.
Ava:
Shhh. Just listen.
Zebulon:
Well now, Mrs. Cabbage. What’s with all this feminine nonsense laying around?
Effie:
Oh, Willis, don’t be a pill now. These are the clothes I’m donating to the women’s shelter.
Zebulon:
Ah. Those poor ladies must admire an upper west side lady like yourself.
Effie:
They did. Then they met my husband.
Sfx: Laughter.
Zebulon:
One more remark like that and I’ll leave you on 80th avenue where I found you.
Effie:
Don’t threaten me with a good time, you know that’s where Zabar’s is.
Sfx: laughter.
Leif:
80th!
Ava:
Go to 5 o’clock.
Sfx: channel surfing.
Gloria:
C’mon c’mon c’mon.
Sfx: Static. Late night talk show music.
Effie:
Welcome back to “Not Too Late”, I’m Dr. Barbara.
Caspar:
What the fuck.
Effie:
I hope everyone’s holidays were nice, impecunious, and restful, and if they weren’t restful, I hope you’re glad they’re over. Frank, how were your holidays?
Zebulon:
Y’know, Doctor, my step-mother hit us with the fruitcake again.
Effie:
Oh no, the fruitcake.
Zebulon:
Nobody eats it, we don’t know what to do with it, it’s a problem.
Effie:
Oh, you poor thing.
Zebulon:
Doctor, so much of our holidays are about handling problems.
Effie:
You know, Frank, It’s funny you mention that because that’s what I want to talk about today with our callers. Holiday problems. For some people the holidays are a yearly crisis and they really shouldn’t be.
Caspar:
Okay, I’m done with this, give me the phone.
Sfx: rotary phone dialing.
Effie:
So let’s hear from you about your crisis. Give us a call at 666-338-6570. Frank, who have we got on the line?
Zebulon:
Up first we’ve got Caspar calling in from... this is odd. It just says Supermassive Black Hole.
Effie:
Well that’s weird, we’re going to have to talk to the screeners about that one. Caspar, how are you tonight?
Caspar:
I’m not good Dr. Barbara! I’m heading toward a particular “holiday” right now and it’s about to crush me and all the people I care about.
Effie:
Okay, Caspar, let’s not overreact-
Caspar:
No, I literally mean it! No offense to Frank and his fruitcake, but my particular fruitcake has the gravitational pull of one-million suns! And the two people who are supposed to prevent that are NOWHERE to be found!
Effie:
I know it’s stressful-
Caspar:
Things are supposed to work, Barbara. They’re supposed to work. You’re supposed to be able to rely on them. Not everything. Not everything has to work. But some things. Some things you should be able to rely on. The world is too cruel to not have things to rely on, and when those things go away you end up hurtling toward a supermassive black hole without anything to protect you!
Leif:
Caspar-
Caspar:
Effie, I know that’s you. Zebulon. Come on, you’re not a late night radio shrink, you’re two goddamn yokels in 1925 Arkansas! You know what? I don’t even know if you’re that! I don’t know what you are but I know that I depend on you. One of the few things that I depend on and now you’re gone as we’re all floating towards our doom!
Sfx: radio static.
Caspar:
Hello?!
Sfx: phone slamming down. Front door opens.
Gloria:
Uh, can he go out there?
Ava:
He’s fine in the parking lot.
Gloria:
So, are we screwed?
Leif:
What does impecunious mean?
Ava:
Leif.
Gloria:
It means poor.
Leif:
Really?
Gloria:
Yeah. Word-a-Day Calendar, I buy it every year.
Leif:
She used it wrong. She used it like it meant “relaxing.” It kind of stood out, didn’t it?
Ava:
Hm.
Leif:
What could that mean?
Ava:
Go back to the first station we tried.
Gloria:
We’re really cutting it close here.
Ava:
We don’t have anything to lose at this point.
Gloria:
Okay.
Sfx: CHannel surfing. Crowd cheering.
Zebulon:
Kitty, the bench has cleared and we are looking at an all-out brawl on the fifty yard line! What started off as a friendly game of football is now just another night at Ike Turner’s!
Effie:
Bram, the crowd is noisome!
Sfx: static.
Gloria:
Noisome means smelly.
Ava:
Huh. Try the next one.
Sfx: Channel surfing. NPR music.
Effie:
Later, while speaking from the epistolary in Brazil, the President was quoted as saying “I do what I want. I’m popping.”
Sfx: static.
Gloria:
Epistolary isn’t a place it means “written in a letter.”
Ava:
Oh, God. I think I know where this is going. Try another.
Sfx: channel surfing. Garden Time Music.
Effie:
Marv, it’s time to talk peppers.
Zebulon:
I thought things were getting a little spicy in here.
Effie:
Oh, Marv. You’re obstreperous.
Sfx: Static.
Gloria:
Nope. Obstreperous means stubborn. What’s happening?
Ava:
One more.
Sfx: channel surfing. 1940s music.
Effie:
Willis, can you help me with this?
Zebulon:
Mrs. Cabbage, what is it now?
Effie:
I’m writing a thank you note to Mrs. Tate and I was wondering if you could take a look at it.
Zebulon:
Very well, then, let’s see... Mrs. Cabbage there aren’t any words on this page.
Effie:
Well that’s the first problem.
Sfx: laughter
Zebulon:
What am I supposed to do with this, Mrs. Cabbage?
Effie:
If you could just give me a starting place.
Zebulon:
How about starting with the first letter?
Sfx: Laughter. Static.
Gloria:
It’s gone.
Sfx: Channel surfing.
Gloria:
They’re all gone.
Leif:
What’s happening?
Ava:
“Try starting with the first letter” The first letter of each wrong word. It spells “ Ineo.”
Gloria:
I don’t know that one.
Ava:
It’s Latin. It means “go in.”
Leif:
Go in where?
Gloria:
No way.
Ava:
I think they mean our buddy out there.
Leif:
They want us to go into a supermassive black hole?
Ava:
Unless you can think of something else.
Gloria:
Why would they tell us to do that?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Leif:
That’s bad. I don’t like that at all.
Ava:
And I’m thrilled?
Gloria:
It’s going to kill us.
Ava:
Not necessarily. Honestly no one knows what happens inside one of those. It’s not just a lot of gravity it’s a complete breakdown of the basic forces of the universe. Who knows what happens when you decide to cruise right into it.
Leif:
Well I was going to lose that bet on the Colts anyway, so. Dodged that bullet.
Gloria:
So there’s nothing to be done?
Ava:
I could use a refill on my coffee. Y’know, since you’re up.
Leif:
I’m going to go talk to Caspar.
Sfx: Door chime. Low hum of the Supermassive black hole.
Leif:
Hey.
Caspar:
Hey.
Leif:
So, we have a plan.
Caspar:
No, we don’t.
Leif:
No, we really don’t. Ava thinks the message Zeb and Effie are trying to send is to go into the black hole.
Caspar:
That’s counter-intuitive.
Leif:
You’re telling me.
Caspar:
Okay. Fine. Fuck it.
Leif:
Funny that they look like suns, huh? Black holes? Like a photo negative of a sun.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
You know what else is funny? That we’re standing in a parking lot on the edge of a black hole and we’re like “Sure, whatever.”
Caspar:
Ha! Yeah.
Leif:
I knew this guy, he was a bartender on one of those pleasure cruisers on Neeso?
Caspar:
Oh yeah, those are nice.
Leif:
Neeso’s just paradise right? Most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. Just cruising on clear, calm water all day and night. I said to him “Man, you’ve got the best job. You get the same view as the paying customers and you get paid to be here. And he leaned into me and he said “You know what, Leif? You’d be surprised what can become just another fuckin’ job.”
Caspar:
(Laughing) Yeah, I see what you mean.
Leif:
You seemed pretty freaked out in there, man. Which is understandable. Y’know, supermassive back hole and all.
Caspar:
You know, for a while it was just me and them. Before you showed up, before Ava. A long time ago I walked into what I thought was a diner in... where was I? Bakersfield. I walked into an abandoned diner and suddenly the old-timey radio next to the cash register started talking to me. And I thought, “Okay the radio’s talking to me, my psychotic break has arrived, this’ll be fun.” But then, 24 hours later, I was on Garrion.
Leif:
Oh yeah? Garrion was your first shift?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
Garrion2 or 3?
Caspar:
Two.
Leif:
Two’s way better.
Caspar:
Right?
Leif:
The Chopped Cheese?
Caspar:
It’s the best.
Leif:
People don’t know.
Caspar:
Anyway. I saw some weird shit before you guys showed up. And I was glad that they were there for me. I depended on them. When you literally don’t have ground beneath your feet, other things become the ground. And when those things fail too, where does that leave you? Things are supposed to work. I like it when things work.
Leif:
Hey, for all we know, Ava is right and this is part of their plan. Maybe things keep working, they just don’t work in the way we expect them to.
Caspar:
Yeah, let’s hope. We’re coming up on it, we should get inside.
Leif:
Here we go.
Sfx: door chime.
Gloria:
Last coffee before the supermassive black hole.
Leif:
Cool.
Caspar:
Sure, I’ll have some. Mind if I join you?
Ava:
I don’t normally receive gentleman callers at my booth.
Caspar:
I’m sitting down.
Ava:
I have five theories about what awaits us inside the black hole, would you like to hear them?
Caspar:
I really wouldn’t.
Leif:
Okay, seriously, what’s your secret with the coffee, why is it so good?
Gloria:
It’s complicated, Leif. I put the appropriate amount in the filter and then I don’t let it sit too long on the burner.
Leif:
Interesting.
Caspar:
Did you really get some sort of award in Belgium?
Ava:
I did. But it was bittersweet because I had to share the award with one other scientist.
Caspar:
Bummer.
Ava:
One might say that in Belgium my ego was a bit...
Caspar:
Don’t do it.
Ava:
... Bruges-ed.
Caspar:
How dare you?
Ava:
Here comes imminent doom. Anything to say before we’re all erased?
Caspar:
I’m glad you’re here.
Ava:
I know.
Sfx: The diner plunging into the black hole, then silence. Then...
Song: Rock me in my swanee cradle by vernon dalhart.
Gloria:
... And we’re back?
Caspar:
I guess so.
Ava:
Well that’s lame.
Leif:
Yeah, what the hell?
Caspar:
I guess when you go through a black hole you end up... on the other side of the black hole.
Leif:
It was way better in the movie.
Gloria:
Effie? Zebulon, are you guys there? This sounds like their music.
Effie:
Well, hey there, Gloria.
Zebulon:
We thought we’d lost you for a moment.
Gloria:
Oh, thank God.
Caspar:
Guys, what happened?
Effie:
Well, I’m sure we don’t know.
Zebulon:
It’s a bit stormy here and I suppose the inclement weather interfered with us reaching you.
Ava:
Oh, come on.
Caspar:
Wait, we went through a whole thing over here, to you guys we just cut out for a second?
Effie:
That’s right, one moment you were there, the next you weren’t, and then there you were again.
Leif:
No way.
Caspar:
Nothing about, you know, the Colts versus the Dolphins?
Zebulon:
Well, I’ve never owned a horse, Caspar, but I don’t see what kind of ill will they might have towards a sea creature.
Caspar:
What the hell?
Ava:
I want my money back.
Leif:
We went through a black hole!
Effie:
I can’t say we know anything about that, Leif. But I’m sure that no matter the instance, the Lord had a plan.
Ava:
Tell the Lord his plan blows.
Gloria:
Ava!
Caspar:
You’d prefer we get squished by the black hole?
Ava:
Kind of.
Zebulon:
Now, I wouldn’t speak too harshly on the Lord’s plans, Ava. For it appears that the Lord’s plan for today involves a bit of rest and relaxation.
Effie:
Have a look outside, y’all.
Caspar:
Oh. Hey.
Sfx: Door chime. Diner fades into the background. Sound of a tranquil ocean.
Leif:
Holy shit.
Caspar:
It’s Neeso.
Gloria:
It’s beautiful.
Leif:
This place is the best.
Ava:
You’ve been here before?
Caspar:
Yeah. Been a long time.
Leif:
Not mad about the black hole anymore.
Sfx: distant ship’s horn.
Leif:
Oh hey, a pleasure cruiser’s docking. We’ve got twelve hours, who’s in the mood for a day cruise?
Gloria:
Oh, hell yeah.
Leif:
Follow me.
Caspar:
Sorry you didn’t discover the secrets of the black hole.
Ava:
There’s always tomorrow. Show me around.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ava:
Hang on, though.
Sfx: door chime.
Ava:
Hey. You two. I’ve got questions. Just wanted to let you know.
Effie:
Only the Lord provides answers, Ava.
Ava:
Yeah. Sure. See you in eleven hours and fifty-nine minutes.
Sfx: door chime
Zebulon:
Quite a storm we had, my dear.
Effie:
Indeed, husband. Indeed.
The end