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Midnight Burger
Chapter 43: Adventure
We hear the sound of a thousand radio frequencies colliding and then slowing COALESCING down to the sound of the echoes of a university hallway. We hear the sharp sounds of high heels walking down the hallway, tentative at first, then picking up speed. A doorway opens and we hear the tail end of a lecture in a lecture hall.
Nell:
The chief problem with the South American Continent when it comes to the work we seek to do is this: erasure. First, there is the erasure of the jungle. Historical structures, even if they were made of stone and not the timber that’s plentiful there, can be swallowed whole by the jungle inside of ten years. That’s a blink of an eye to an archeologist. Second: the erasure of plunder. The continent was raided for plunder so many times during the colonial era that important relics have been scattered across the globe now. You can find them in Arabia, you can find them in Malaysia. I found an Incan idol in the hands of a Russian fur trader one time. So when we cross the equator looking to do the work we intend to do, we must understand that we are looking for sand castles at high tide. With every day that goes by we lose a little more of the story of that entire continent... Alright, that’s all for today.
The class begins to pack up their things.
Nell:
Tomorrow we start on Pachacutec( pah-chah-KOO-tek). It’s going to be a considerable amount to memorize, so I suggest you empty your heads out before class tomorrow. Mr. Davidson, you should have no problem with that.
The class laughs.
Nell:
See you tomorrow, everyone.
Libuza:
Looks like I found her.
Gloria:
(In Libuza’s ear.) This is amazing, Libuza, I can’t believe you pulled this off.
Libuza:
Is Leif’s monitor working? Can you see what I’m seeing?
Gloria:
Yeah, it’s only black and white. It’s kind of like watching an old movie, but I can see what you’re seeing. The black and white is kind of appropriate actually, it looks like you’re somewhere in Earth’s past. Judging by the clothes it’s looking like the nineteen-forties.
Libuza:
This is a University?
Gloria:
Yeah. Hey, Ava? Look at this, can you recognize where she is?
Ava:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Let me see... Oh, that’s fucking Harvard. See the symbol on that guy’s blazer? Pretty old though. You’re right, it’s probably the forties.
Libuza:
What was that like?
Ava:
The forties?
Gloria:
We were at war with the Nazis for most of it. Not sure if that’s where you are right now.
Caspar:
(In Libuza’s ear.) This is definitely during war time. That class should be full of dudes, but there’s only a few of them. They’ve probably been called up. In the forties, you could only defer the draft if you were studying a science. She’s talking about Pachacutec. He was an Incan emperor. That’s not a science class.
Libuza:
Okay... what is all this about? This isn’t what I was expecting.
Ava:
Libuza, The Mucklewains have gone through a long process of figuring out what the hell they are. It all started one day when Gloria accidentally knocked over the radio. They seemed to retreat into these various fantasy worlds— I think it may have been a way of protecting themselves. Then, later on, they figured out how to do it on command. That may be what’s going on right now— protecting themselves from whatever the Benefactor is trying to do to them.
Libuza:
Okay... if they’re trying to protect themselves I shouldn’t try and snap them out of it then.
Gloria:
No, Libuza, I would play along for now, we still need to find Zebulon.
Libuza:
Okay, looks like she’s heading to her office.
Gloria:
Try and get an appointment. See if she recognizes you.
Libuza:
Here I go.
Libuza turns and sees her reflection in a trophy case.
Libuza:
Oh... I don’t think she’s going to recognize me.
Gloria:
Is that your reflection?
Libuza:
I guess so... I’m human.
Ava:
And a very snappy dresser, looks like.
Libuza:
This is weird.
Gloria:
How does it feel?
Libuza:
What’s the point of a sweater this short?
Gloria:
No idea.
Libuza:
And these shoes are very painful. Is this standard?
Gloria:
Yeah, the history of women’s footwear on Earth is a painful history.
Caspar:
Speaking of that, Libuza, I don’t think Harvard was admitting women this early. They started in the forties but it took a while for them to issue their first PhD to a woman. So whatever we’re looking at, it’s going to be evocative of the forties, but there’s going to be some inaccuracies, looks like.
Libuza:
Okay. I’m going to try and track down Effie.
Libuza walks out into the hallway. She passes a group of students gathered around a portable radio.
News Reporter:
Allied forces continue to face fierce resistance from German troops across North Africa, as Field Marshal Erwin Rommel's Afrika Korps pushes eastward through Libya toward Egypt. British and American commanders express grave concern about the potential fall of the vital Suez Canal to Axis control. Meanwhile, on the Eastern Front, Soviet forces are locked in bitter urban combat with German armies in Stalingrad, where street-by-street fighting has turned the city into a bloody battleground...
Kazi:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Libuza, how are you feeling?
Libuza:
I’m feeling okay. This body isn’t mine but I don’t feel too disoriented.
Kazi:
Your bio-signs are still in a nominal range. I need to get a sense of your brain function. When you’re talking to me, do you have to speak out loud there as well?
Libuza:
... Yes, it looks like when I speak to you I also have to speak out loud.
Kazi:
Noted. I think that might be better for your brain function to have two tasks overlap. Right now you’re seeing things visually, like a human would?
Libuza:
Yes.
Kazi:
Interesting. You have an under-developed ocular center— I’m surprised you can see color.
Libuza:
That may explain why you’re getting a grayscale image on your end.
Kazi:
Yes. It’s fascinating, actually. This little stunt of yours is telling me a lot about your brain that I didn’t perviously know.
Libuza:
It’s not a stunt, Kazi.
Kazi:
Of course, that’s not what I meant.
Libuza:
Leif, how is the Vistek?
Leif:
(In Libuza’s ear.) You’re all good. You’ve go a about a dozen nodes to spare right now, looks like whatever you’re doing isn’t tasking it too much.
Libuza:
Okay, make sure you’re rotating tasks through all the nodes to keep the heat down.
Leif:
Got it. This thing is a beast, by the way, really nice work.
Libuza:
Thank you.
Libuza opens the door to an office and walks in.
Nell:
Just because I keep firing my assistants doesn’t mean you get to just walk in. Office hours are tomorrow.
Libuza:
Yes, I know, I uh...
Nell:
... Who are you?
Libuza:
Oh, I’m...
David:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Uh oh, spontaneous alias time.
Caspar:
Drumroll, please.
Everyone does a drumroll on the table.
Libuza:
... Alexis Higgins?
David:
Nice.
Gloria:
Bravo, Alexis!
They all applaud.
Nell:
What can I help you with, Ms. Higgins?
Libuza:
I uh...
David:
You’re her new assistant.
Libuza:
I’m your new assistant.
Nell:
You are?
Libuza:
Yes.
Nell:
You look a bit young to be an assistant. Shouldn’t you be in school yourself?
Libuza:
I uh...
Ava:
You graduated early.
Libuza:
I graduated early.
Ava:
Because of how smart you are.
Libuza:
Because of how smart I am.
Nell:
Oh really? And all that intelligence of yours landed you an assistant’s job?
Gloria:
Smart women should stick together.
Libuza:
Smart women such as us should stick together.
Nell:
Smart women such as we should stick together. Not an english major then?
Libuza:
No.
Ava:
Physics.
Libuza:
Physics.
Nell:
... I see. Come in.
Libuza closes the door.
Nell:
I wasn’t sent your resume.
Libuza:
What would you like to know?
Nell:
How many words per minute?
Caspar:
Go with sixty.
Libuza:
Sixty.
Nell:
Alright.
Teta:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Hey, can she hear me if I just talk to her?
Kazi:
Yes.
Teta:
What does this lady do?
Caspar:
She’s an Archaeologist.
Teta:
Bullshit she is, Libby. Ask her why she’s got a sawed-off shotgun in a holster on her chair.
Gloria:
She does?
Libuza:
Is that a... firearm hanging on your chair?
Nell:
That’s correct.
Libuza:
... Why does an Archaeologist need a gun?
Nell:
You’ll find that I go out in the field more than your average professor.
Libuza:
And the gun is for?
Nell:
Snakes.
Libuza:
Those are some pretty large snakes.
Nell:
Some of them are quite large, yes.
There’s a knock at the door and the door opens. Chairman Chapman walks in.
Chairman Chapman:
Excuse me, Dr. Drake?
Nell:
Chairman Chapman, how can you distract me today?
Caspar:
Wait a minute.
Chairman Chapman:
My office has just received this package addressed to you.
Ava:
Oh my god.
Nell:
Give it here, please.
Caspar:
That’s me.
Chairman Chapman:
The package has arrived from Ecuador.
Nell:
Give it here, please.
Gloria:
What is Caspar doing in there?
Chairman Chapman:
Doctor, I recall us having a lengthy conversation about ceasing this work you’re doing in Ecuador.
Leif:
You’re wearing a bowtie.
Nell:
I can’t stop the mail from coming. Chairman, meet my new assistant. Her name is?
Libuza:
Alexis Higgins.
Nell:
Ms. Higgins.
Chairman Chapman:
Hello Ms. Higgins. I’m Chairman David Chapman, a title I seem to have to repeat when I’m in this office.
Nell:
That package is still not in my hand.
Chairman Chapman:
I haven’t approved a new assistant for you yet.
Nell:
I have no control over the mail, nor my assistants, Mr. Chairman— though, if wishing made it so.
Chairman Chapman:
Ms. Higgins, will you excuse us, please? Dr. Drake and I must have a conversation.
Nell:
No, no. No no no, Mr. Chairman, I need you to give me that package, it’s urgent.
Chairman Chapman:
If you ceased your work in Ecuador, why would you be getting urgent packages?!
Nell suddenly pulls out a large bowie knife and hurls it. It lodges firmly in the wall next to the chairman.
Leif:
Whoa!
Teta:
Nice.
Chairman Chapman:
(Aghast.) You... you just threw a knife at me!
Nell:
I threw a knife at the wall, Mr. Chairman, if I had thrown a knife at you, you’d be running down the hallway right now screaming “Oh my god, there’s a knife in me.”
Chairman Chapman:
Take your blasted package! Tenure won’t protect you from everything, Doctor!
He slams the door.
Teta:
Ice cold.
Ava:
Hehehe. You suck and you’re wearing a bow tie.
Libuza:
What just happened?
Nell:
They’ve been looking for a reason to get rid of me for some time now. I’m doing them a favor. Give me the package please.
Nell starts to open the package.
Libuza:
That’s a very large knife.
Nell:
It’s called a Bowie Knife. It’s very useful.
Nell unrolls a map on her desk.
Nell:
Oh my God.
Caspar:
Libuza, get closer to that map.
Libuza:
What is that a map of?
Caspar:
Gloria, what does that say?
Gloria:
Real Audiencia de Quito... Royal Audience of Quito.
Caspar:
Okay. That’s what Ecuador was called before it was called Ecuador.
Libuza:
Is that Ecuador?
Nell:
Very good, Ms. Higgins. There’s a letter in here. Read this to me, please.
Libuza opens the letter.
Libuza:
It says it’s from a Jose Zetino... Dear Nell, This is either the greatest forgery I’ve ever seen, or this is it. I think you were right about the ruined city...
Nell:
Keep going.
Libuza:
... If this map has made it’s way to you before I have, then I probably didn’t make it. You’ll have to find it on your own. I’m sorry. Good luck, Doc.
Nell:
... God bless you, Jose.
Libuza:
Who is Jose?
Nell:
He’s a partner of mine. Or, according to that note, was a partner of mine.
Libuza:
You think he’s dead?
Nell:
Let’s not be pessimists, Ms. Higgins.
Libuza:
What is the map to?
Nell:
... I often tell my students to never look for treasure maps. They’re a childhood fantasy.
Libuza:
So what is that?
Nell:
It’s a treasure map.
The fire alarm starts going off out in the hallway.
Libuza:
What is that?
Nell:
That’s the fire alarm. Just ignore it. Sit back down, Ms. Higgins.
Libuza:
Okay.
Nell walks over and locks the door.
Libuza:
Did you just lock the door?
Nell:
Ms. Higgins, why are you lying to me?
Libuza:
What?
Nell:
You don’t have a degree in physics.
Libuza:
I don’t?
Nell:
No. If you had a degree in physics you would’ve been snapped up by the Department of Defense. They’re employing every physicist in the country right now. A war effort tends to hoover up all of scientists.
Gloria:
Uh oh.
Libuza:
Oh.
Gloria:
Tell her... tell her you didn’t finish school.
Libuza:
I dropped out.
Nell:
Why?
Libuza:
Why?
Gloria:
You decided it wasn’t for you.
Libuza:
I decided to try something else out. It wasn’t for me.
Nell:
I see, and so you’ve come here?
Libuza:
What’s wrong with here?
Nell:
Don’t answer my questions with questions, Ms. Higgins.
Caspar:
Hang on... Tell her you wanted a life of adventure.
Libuza:
I wanted a life of adventure.
Nell:
A life of Adventure. And you think you’ll find that as my assistant?
Libuza:
I’ve been here five minutes and you’ve already thrown a knife at someone and been delivered a treasure map from a man who may be dead. What do you think? Not to answer your question with a question.
Nell:
Most people who want a life of adventure don’t know what that entails.
Libuza:
... I think I may surprise you.
Nell:
The fire alarm that’s going off? It’s going to stop any second now because nothing’s on fire.
The fire alarm stops.
Libuza:
How did you know that?
Nell:
Because nothing is ever on fire. We just have drills from time to time.
Libuza:
Safety first, I guess.
Nell:
The problem with that is, we just had a fire drill yesterday.
Libuza:
...
Nell:
So why did the fire alarm go off, Ms. Higgins?
Libuza:
... Because someone wants you to vacate the building.
Nell:
Why?
Libuza:
... So they can steal the map.
Nell:
That’s right. The thing about a life of adventure? Very hard to stop, once you’ve made the decision. Last chance to go back to the secretary pool.
Libuza:
... What do we do?
Nell:
I need you to go hide behind that metal cabinet.
Gloria:
Hide behind the cabinet, Libuza.
Libuza:
Okay.
While libuza hides behind the cabinet, nell takes out her sawed off shotgun and loads two shells.
Gloria:
She’s loading the gun, what the hell is going on at this school?
Ava:
FYI Libuza, this is not a standard Harvard experience.
Caspar:
Okay, Libuza, here’s the deal. Zebulon liked to talk about this Magazine he loved to read. It was called Adventure. Adventure Magazine. It was filled with stories of pirates and treasure hunters and cowboys and all that stuff. I think that’s where you are. I think that’s where they’ve put themselves. I guess you’re going to have to go on an adventure.
We hear someone on the other end of the door, trying to open it from the other side.
Nell:
(Whispering.) Don’t move until I tell you to.
After they realize it’s locked they begin to kick at the door to break it down. The door finally flings open, and nell unloads two shotgun shells. We hear a man scream and take off running down the hall.
Libuza:
Who was that?!
Nell:
I’ve got a good idea. Let’s go, we’re going out the window.
Libuza:
The window?
Nell:
You first. Let’s move, Ms. Higgins!
Libuza:
Oh god.
Nell opens the window.
Nell:
We’re heading for the parking lot, the gunshots are going to bring more of them.
Libuza:
More of who?
Nell:
Let’s go!
Outside the building Nell and Libuza drop into the bushes.
Nell:
You’ve got the wrong shoes for this, Ms. Higgins.
Libuza:
I apologize for not dressing for a gun fight!
Nell:
Let’s go. Try and act casually, we don’t want to attract attention.
Libuza:
You have a gun in your hand.
Nell:
Running people attract attention. Walking people are invisible.
A man with a french accent calls to them.
French Thug:
Madam Drake!
The thug fires two shots at them. Libuza screams. Nell returns fire with two shotgun blasts and we hear the man scream.
Nell:
Do you know how to drive?!
Libuza:
No!
Nell:
Of course. Get in the passenger seat!
We hear two doors close, the engine starts and the car peels out of the parking lot.
Nell:
Shells. Gun. Reload it.
Libuza:
How?
Teta:
Libby, look for a button by the trigger guard... There you go, press it and that will crack it open... Good. Take out the shells, they’re going to be hot.
Libuza:
Ow! Owowowo.
Teta:
Pop some new shells in and close it up. Good, you’re ready to go.
Libuza:
Here!
Nell:
Thank you.
They drive for a moment.
Nell:
In the mid sixteenth century the Spanish were at war with the Incan Empire. As you can imagine it wasn’t going well for the Incans. The last man to make a stand against the Spanish was a man named Rumiñahui( roo-mee-nyah-WEE). He burned Quito to the ground so the Spanish couldn’t claim it and, as the legend goes, he hid the gold of the Incan Empire somewhere in the jungle. When the Spanish finally caught Rumiñahui they tortured him until death. He never gave up the location of the gold.
Libuza:
That’s what the map leads to?
Nell:
Well, they’re chasing us aren’t they?
Libuza:
Who’s chasing us?
Nell:
Hang on. Here they come up behind us. Roll down my window.
Libuza reaches across her and rolls down the window.
Nell:
Now duck down.
Libuza:
Oh god.
A car comes speeding up next to them.
Nell:
(To the car.) Au courage, mon amis!
She unloads to shells into the cars tire. We hear the car schreech and eventually tumble and crash.
Nell:
That should be the last of them, but reload anyway.
Libuza:
Where are we going?
Nell:
I hope your passport’s in order, Ms. Higgins. We’re headed for the jungle.
Libuza:
... You were right about needing different shoes.
Nell:
Ha! At least.
The car drives off into the distance as we move to the diner parking lot. The Refugees are being loaded into the Sisters’ ship.
Kazi:
Everyone aboard the ship, there’s plenty of room for all of you. Find a room and get comfortable. Once you’re all aboard, the ship will orbit until we return.
Fiona:
You’re not coming with us?
Kazi:
I’m afraid we can’t, Fiona. We promised we would take these people to a safe place where they could start over and we’ve brought them to a place more dangerous than the one they were in before... In the end, Maloo’s death is our fault. The least we can do is make sure her family is safe.
Fiona:
What can I do?
Kazi:
There are some injured and disabled among the refugees. Make sure they get into a comfortable bed, and then find a place for yourself.
Fiona:
Okay.
Kazi:
I have to get back to Libuza.
Fiona:
What if...
Kazi:
... What if we don’t come back?
Fiona:
...
Kazi:
The ship has several automations that Teta has programmed into it. You won’t be able to do anything complicated, but if you don’t hear from us in, let’s say, three days, you’ll need to get as far away from this place as you can. I suggest you find a place on the outer rim of this galaxy, or, if you’re feeling adventurous, try and make it to a nearby system. The nearest galaxy to this one is Amalgamous Pax, I believe Earthlings call it the Leo Triplet.
Fiona:
Then what?
Kazi:
Then I’m afraid it’s up to you... I apologize, Fiona. You would’ve been safer had no one taken you from your planet.
Fiona:
Believe it or not, I think I prefer this.
Kazi:
I would as well.
We hear the sound of a old and loud propeller plane and the rattling of cargo.
Libuza:
... Anybody out there?
Caspar:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Yeah, hey, I’m here. We’re going to start taking turns sitting with you. The diner is about to take off and there’s a lot going on.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
Are you on a plane now?
Libuza:
I appear to be. How much time has passed for you?
Caspar:
A few minutes.
Libuza:
For me to. We seem to have skipped forward in time.
Caspar:
Right, just like a story would.
Libuza:
This is a terrifying way to travel.
Caspar:
Oh yeah. I hate planes.
Libuza:
It feels like the whole thing’s about to come apart.
Caspar:
If it’s any condolence, that wouldn’t be a good ending to the story, so that’s not going to happen.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
Now, the engine failing and then the two of you having to put on parachutes and jump out and then make your way through the jungle on foot? That could totally happen, that’s a great story.
Libuza:
Great... Adventure Magazine.
Caspar:
Adventure Magazine. I know it all feels pretty ridiculous but that’s how we like to do things around here.
Libuza:
It makes sense. You Earthlings love your stories.
Caspar:
How were you able to do this again?
Libuza:
I could hear a peculiar frequency in the radio. It was dense, like it was multi-layered. I thought if I could repurpose the Vistek to process the signal and then reconnect with it, I could get access to the Mucklewains. I wasn’t expecting this... I hope it works.
Caspar:
If it helps, there’s a lot more to worry about right now, so don’t put pressure on yourself.
Libuza:
Is everyone freaking out?
Caspar:
Uh... maybe a little. The refugees are all aboard your ship now.
Libuza:
I can’t believe I dragged all of you into this, too.
Caspar:
Would you stop it with that? You didn’t make the diner show up, it just shows up.
Libuza:
I know... give me something to do.
Caspar:
What do you mean?
Libuza:
I feel like I’m just a passenger. Whatever the Mucklewain’s are going through, how can I help them?
Caspar:
Keep a lookout for messages.
Libuza:
What kind of messages?
Caspar:
One time when they were in a state like this, they seemed to be sending us coded messages.
Libuza:
Have you noticed anything so far?
Caspar:
Well, Effie appears to be carrying around a Bowie knife.
Libuza:
And?
Caspar:
Another name for a Bowie knife is an Arkansas Toothpick.
Libuza:
I see.
Caspar:
Now that could mean jack shit or that could mean that Effie is saying to us, “Hey there, I’m right here.” No way to know yet.
Libuza:
I’ll keep a lookout.
A parachute pack lands in front of Libuza.
Nell:
Bad news, Ms. Higgins. The engine is failing on the plane and we won’t be able to make it to Bogota. Put on that parachute, we’re going to have to ditch this plane.
Libuza:
Goddamnit, Caspar.
Caspar:
Sorry!
Up on the roof. Leif sends one last message.
Leif:
Hey... It’s me... This is... This is a stupid message to send... I am currently in Cryptessia, believe it or not. And even though this message travels at the speed of light it will take, I’m guessing, 2.4 Million years to reach the nearest comms node... so what am I doing?... I’m sending this because it may be the last time I send a message to someone... I’m in a pretty sticky wicket right now. I’ve been wondering lately when my luck was going to run out, and I may have come right up to the edge of it... I needed to send a message to somebody, so I’m sending it to you, Berts. If somehow you do hear it, it may be kind of a burden to hear. Sorry about that... Couple of things: you should stop investigating Billius. If you don’t, The Teds are going to make you their prisoner. I know you think you can get out of it, but how about you just don’t, okay? Just don’t... There may be one less Leif out there to pull you out of a jam so, could you do me a favor and just skip it?... Oh hey, also, I went about 150 years out from your current situation and you were the chairman of the new Coalition. You beat the Teds in a war. Also you made a home on Sigius for the last Earthlings left in the galaxy... I mean, that was in another universe, but still, it was you and it was really cool. I never did anything that cool... I have a sneaking suspicion that you and Verge have stayed in touch... I’m sure my name’s never come up... If you see them can you tell them I’m sorry... Also if you’ve still got that Julia Roberts costume, could you check in on my mom sometime?... I’d appreciate it... I don’t know how I’m getting out of this one, Berts... Having someone to send this message to has made that a little easier... goodbye...
David has climbed up on the roof.
David:
What’s that about?
Leif:
Hey, David. Just... unfinished business. Never seems to be finished.
David:
You think it’s good for morale for you to be sending out your last will and testament to whoever that was?
Leif:
Come here.
Leif rummages through his work zone.
Leif:
Here, take these.
David:
What is this?
Leif:
Slug fabricator for your gun. Also, this is a plasma exciter. Use this about once a day, depending on how often you use the gun. Also, if you’re using it a lot, please ask yourself what you’re doing with your life.
David:
I don’t need any of this.
Leif:
Get on the ship, David.
David:
No.
Leif:
David.
David:
You’re going to throw me over your shoulder and make me get on the ship?
Leif:
David, I don’t know what’s wrong with Caspar right now— he should be telling you all of this. But since he’s not, I guess it’s my job. Get on the ship.
David:
No.
Leif:
You don’t have anything to gain by being here. There’s nothing to prove. It’s not going to be a fun adventure.
David:
Why am I still waiting around for one of y’all to treat me like I’m not twelve?
Leif:
I remember this part, okay? You treat everything like a game because, hey, you’re not on Earth anymore. It’s a dream come true, nothing can go wrong now, all the bad shit happens on Earth, it’s just fun and games out here. Right?
David:
That’s not how I feel.
Leif:
Look. There was this period of time. After Pirate Leif and before Diner Leif, there was Scared out of His Fucking Mind Leif. I was on the run constantly, always looking over my shoulder, riding the fringes. I had a hideout on an ice giant in the worst fucking system in The Triad. Every weird noise was someone coming to get me. I was literally an insane person... It was a lot of dread and a lot of doom... I haven’t felt that way in a really long time... I feel that way right now... Get on the ship, David.
David:
No.
Leif:
Fuck.
David:
... Leif, I was a teenage runaway. You think I don’t know those feelings you’re talking about?
Leif:
The stakes are just a wee bit higher, David.
David:
Leif. Do you want to know why you felt all that dread and doom back then? Because you were alone... If my choices are safe and alone or in danger with other people, I think I know which one I’m going to pick... I’m not getting on the ship.
Leif:
... You remind me of him.
David:
No, I don’t.
Leif:
No, you do. I know it doesn’t make sense but... I guarantee you that, when you ran away, he wasn’t worried about serial killers or drugs or anything. He was just worried about you being alone. And here you are, saying this to me... You remind me of him.
David:
Okay... cooler, though.
Leif:
Absolutely.
David:
Thank you.
Ava:
(Down on the ground.) Leif.
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Two minute science meeting. Come down here.
Leif:
Okay.
David:
Can I come?
Ava:
You are pretty stupid, David, but sure.
Leif starts to climb down the ladder.
Leif:
Okay go.
Ava:
What’s up with these guys’ weapons?
Leif:
What do you mean?
Ava:
They randomize someone’s place in space, time, and dimension.
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Which is essentially killing them.
Leif:
There’s a non-zero chance of someone surviving, but yeah.
Ava:
Why?
David:
Why what?
Ava:
Why not just use a laser gun or whatever?
Leif:
I don’t know. They’re pretty effective weapons.
David:
Actually... are they?
Leif:
Okay... uh... well... they take a long time to charge.
Ava:
Right.
David:
And they leave the user vulnerable while they do.
Ava:
Right.
They walk into the kitchen.
Ava:
Why all the space/time/dimension business? You don’t actually need it.
Leif:
Hm...
Ava:
Teta?
Teta:
What?
David:
Two minute science meeting.
Teta:
Two minute what?
Ava:
Come here.
Teta:
What is it?
Ava:
What’s a really big gun?
Teta:
What do you mean?
Ava:
Something really big and lunky?
Teta:
Uh... a Kimberderp is pretty big.
Ava:
What’s that like?
Teta:
It’s for shooting down aircraft, you take one shot and you have to change out the whole battery.
David:
I need me one.
Leif:
No.
Ava:
Okay, and then what’s something small?
Teta:
Something small? The Snarkybark double-zero. Short range, you can hide it in your pocket.
Ava:
If you were trying to shoot people, would you use a Kimberderp?
Teta:
No.
Ava:
Why?
Leif:
... Because that’s not what it’s built for.
Ava:
... See what I’m saying?
David:
Their weapons weren’t meant to be used against us.
Ava:
I don’t think so.
Teta:
Well, then what the fuck are they meant for?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Gloria walks into the kitchen.
Gloria:
Guys. We don’t have time to take a break right now.
David:
We’re having a two minute science meeting.
Gloria:
Anything useful?
Leif:
Yeah, but I don’t know what to make of it just yet.
Gloria:
Okay. On that note, I have a thing.
Leif:
What?
Gloria:
Watch this, I’m going to count to twenty.
Leif:
Why?
Gloria:
1, 2, 3, 4...
Gloria opens the door to the deep freeze.
Teta:
What’s happening right now?
Leif:
No idea.
David:
Are we supposed to count?
Teta:
Back to the weapon thing. If their weapons weren’t meant for us, what’s the ideal target for a weapon that randomizes your position in space-time?
Leif:
I don’t know.
The door to the deep freeze opens.
Gloria:
... 19, 20.
Leif:
Hey.
Gloria:
Right?
Ava:
There’s no time dilation in the deep freeze?
Teta:
There was time dilation in the deep freeze?
Ava:
Used to be.
Gloria:
Time used to move faster in there. It doesn’t anymore.
Ava:
I didn’t even notice.
Gloria:
Neither did I. We were too busy. What’s going on?
Leif:
Now that you mention that, has anyone noticed that the diner sounds different when it travels?
Ava:
No.
David:
I have.
Leif:
It’s subtle, but I’m hearing it more and more.
David:
There’s like a shushing noise.
Leif:
And an whispery thing going on.
David:
I think I hear music sometimes.
Ava:
Huh.
Teta:
Huh.
Gloria:
Okay, two minute science meeting over. I need you to put a pin in all of this. Ava, David, you’re with me.
Ava:
Okay.
They walk out into the dining room.
Gloria:
Caspar?
Caspar:
What’s up?
Gloria:
I need you to come with me. Ava, I need you to stay with Libuza.
Ava:
Okay. Hi Libuza. Where are you right now?
Libuza:
Walking through the jungle.
Ava:
Ooh. Sounds like bug city. Watch out for centipedes.
Libuza:
What’s a centipede?
Ava:
The thing that’s probably in your boot right now.
Libuza:
Great. Speaking of my location, where am I right now?
Ava:
What do you mean?
Libuza:
This connection with the Vistek has completely taken over my senses, I can’t feel where my actual body is.
Ava:
Ah. You are laying on the table of my booth.
Libuza:
That’s a weird place to put me.
Ava:
No, no. That’s where all the good mojo is. You are lying on my table and Mr. Monolith is right here next to you. Say hello, Vistek.
Libuza:
So I’m supposed to be looking for clues?
Ava:
Yes.
Libuza:
Caspar wants me to tell you that Effie’s knife that she’s carrying is called an Arkansas Toothpick. Is that a clue?
Ava:
That’s amateur hour, if you ask me. We need numbers. Get her to recite some numbers to you. We need to give her a chance to give you a numeric code.
Libuza:
Okay, Can I get out of the jungle first?
Ava:
I guess.
Gloria walks out into the parking lot with Caspar.
Gloria:
Okay, I need to talk to both of you.
David:
Why?
Gloria:
The diner’s going to leave in a few minutes, we don’t have a lot of time.
David:
A lot of time for what?
Gloria:
You and your dad were about to get into an argument.
David:
We were?
Gloria:
Yes. Because the safest place for you to be right now is on board that ship, but you’re not going to get on it, are you?
David:
No.
Gloria:
And this is what you were going to argue about.
Caspar:
Gloria, I wasn’t-
David:
Well, we can skip it because I’m staying with the diner.
Gloria:
And your dad would of course say, “We’re heading into certain doom, don’t be ridiculous, get on the ship.”
Caspar:
I’m not-
David:
And I would of course say no again.
Gloria:
And the two of you would go round and round like that for however long.
David:
That’s true.
Caspar:
Gloria-
Gloria:
The thing is, David. He’s not arguing with you at all right now. Look at him. This is the quietest I’ve ever seen him. It’s been a long few weeks David, and it’s been treacherous. And he’s hardly freaked out at you at all. I’m kind of impressed, actually. So, this is me, cutting to the chase. David, you’re not getting on the ship. Fine. Can you please acknowledge how hard Caspar is working to be literally the exact opposite of himself right now?... Okay, we’re leaving in a few minutes.
Gloria walks inside.
David:
... Thanks.
Caspar:
I honestly don’t know if it’s any safer on the ship... Welcome to Midnight Burger.
We hear the sound of a cantina deep in the jungle. Nell puts two glasses of whiskey on the table.
Nell:
Here you are, Ms. Higgins.
Libuza:
What is that?
Nell:
It’s whiskey.
Libuza:
Could I just get a glass of water?
Nell:
I’d advise against drinking the water here.
Libuza:
Then why did we even stop here?
Nell:
To make the next leg of our journey, we’re going to need a riverboat, and due to the fact that we are currently being chased, I can’t go through the usual channels. I’ve heard there’s a man here with a boat, so we’ve stopped here.
Libuza:
And now that you’ve taken me deep into the jungle are you going to tell me who is trying to kill us?
Nell:
The Society of Bethanies.
Libuza:
The what?
Nell:
The Society of Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp. Elizabeth, shortened to Beth, Beth Anaïs, Benthanies, do you follow me?
Libuza:
What do they want?
Nell:
The short answer is: Gold. The long answer is: a series of easily manipulatable autocrats in strategic nations around they world. Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp is one of the wealthiest women in Europe, and she is the leader of a secret society that attempts to manipulate global events.
Libuza:
If they’re so rich, why do they need the gold?
Nell:
Money can be traced, gold cannot. Their current project is a particular madman who happens to have an army marching across Europe right now— let’s not mention his name. An army runs on money. They want to make sure he doesn’t run out of it.
Libuza:
Seems like a rather complicated plan just to get their hands on some gold.
Nell:
If the legends are true, it’s a sizable amount of gold, Ms. Higgins. Enough to transform a nation.
Ava:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Come on, Effie, give me something. Make her give you something quantifiable. Maybe the location of the gold?
Libuza:
Maybe we should have a look at the map and commit the location to memory— in case we lose the map or it’s taken from us?
Nell:
That’s not bad. Get the map out, I’ll get us another round.
Libuza:
I didn’t drink my first one.
Ava:
Nice. Okay, Libuza, hang tight. We need to have a pretty important meeting in the real world. I’ll be right back.
We move back to the diner. The diner has started traveling.
Gloria:
Okay, everyone. We’re on our way... I have no idea what we’re headed toward right now. These mystery men have been trying to kill us for weeks now— and then right when they could have, they didn’t. And now we’re headed to their home world. I don’t know what that means... Let’s take some comfort in the fact that we got almost all of the refugees to safety, and with a little luck, maybe they’ll manage to get out of this goddamn system and find the home they were all looking for... We have twelve hours to prepare. But, prepare for what? We have no idea what awaits us the next time we touch down. If we could get some sense of the Benefactor’s plan, that would be something. But right now we’re flying blind. I hate it, but there’s not much we can do about it.
Libuza:
Is anyone there?
Gloria:
Yeah, Libuza, is everything okay?
Libuza:
I think you may want to watch the screen. Something interesting is about to happen.
We move back to the seedy cantina. Nell approaches the table and puts down two glasses.
Nell:
The location we’re looking for is right here. Now, as you can see, this map has no reference points except for this city right here. This is an ancient Incan city. The first explorers from Spain discovered this city. They said it was a thriving city, full of commerce and trade— it was the hub of the entire region. The problem with this discovery is that when the Spanish finally managed to get back there a hundred years later, the city was gone.
Libuza:
It disappeared?
Nell:
It did not. Everyone assumed that the early explorers had been mistaken somehow and that the city didn’t really exist. The problem with explorers, is that they aren’t archeologists. These were explorers on a new continent. What did these explorers bring with them?
Libuza:
Uh... supplies?
Kazi:
Libuza... disease.
Libuza:
... Diseases?
Nell:
That’s right. The explorers didn’t come to conquer yet— that would come later. But even though they didn’t come to conquer, they brought with them the most effective weapon in their arsenal: Diseases that the Incans had no defense against. The explorers show up with diseases, then they leave. Then a hundred years goes by. What happens in that one hundred years, Ms. Higgins?
Libuza:
... They all die.
Nell:
That’s correct. Over a hundred years, the population is decimated by disease, and the jungle takes back the city. It effectively vanishes.
Libuza:
But you know where the city is.
Nell:
In fact, I do.
Ava:
Ask her for the coordinates.
Libuza:
What are the coordinates?
Nell:
It’s here, 2.35711 South, 1.31719 West.
Ava:
Fucking jackpot!
Gloria:
What?
Ava:
Those aren’t coordinates, those are the first 8 prime numbers in order. She’s talking to us.
Gloria:
But what is she saying?
Nell:
The locals call it “Su plan oculto.”
Gloria:
Wait... Libuza get her to repeat that.
Libuza:
Could you say that again?
Nell:
Su Plan Oculto.
Caspar:
What is it?
Gloria:
That’s not the name of a place, that means “His Hidden Plan.”
Caspar:
“His hidden plan?” What are they saying to us?
Leif:
Oh shit.
Ava:
Who do we know that has a hidden plan?
Leif:
Oh shit.
Ava:
The Benefactor.
Leif:
Oh shit!
Gloria:
Leif, what?
Leif:
It’s a hack back.
Caspar:
What is that?
Leif:
When you try to hack someone’s system, you also make yourself vulnerable because your system is connected to theirs now, right? The mystery men showed up with some kind of device that shut down the Mucklewains, but now look. Effie’s on a mission to a place in the jungle called “His Hidden Plan.” This whole adventure isn’t them trying to protect themselves, they’re trying to hack into his systems.
Teta:
They know how to do that?
Leif:
The Mucklewains don’t “know” how to do anything. Everything they do is expressed symbolically. So while we’re seeing some treasure hunting adventure, what’s really happening is a hack into the Benefactor’s systems. Libuza, I’m almost positive that if you can get to that spot in the jungle, we can somehow know the Benefactor’s plan for us.
Gloria:
That would be amazing.
Caspar:
Well, this little adventure just became a lot more important, didn’t it?
Gloria:
Libuza, you’ve got to get to that spot in the jungle. Do everything you can.
Boom Boom:
Buckshot Drake, what the hell are you doing in my bar?
Gloria:
Uhh.
Boom Boom:
I thought I smelled books.
Libuza:
Oh my god.
Caspar:
Gloria, is that you?
Leif:
No way.
Nell:
Boom Boom, long time no see.
Boom boom makes her way across the bar. SHe has a wooden leg.
Boom Boom:
I thought you retired from the treasure hunting business.
Ava:
Do you have a wooden leg?
Nell:
Ms. Higgins, this is Boom Boom, an old colleague of mine. We were in the foreign service together.
Boom Boom:
That’s one way of putting in. That’s how I got this.
Boom boom puts her wooden leg up on the table.
Gloria:
What the fuck?
Caspar:
Wooden leg confirmed.
Boom Boom:
Suriname. 1922. Never get into a fight with a man who keeps alligators.
Libuza:
Your leg was eaten?
Boom Boom:
That’s right. I don’t like to hurt animals, but goddamn it if I didn’t make that little fucker into a pair of boots with a matching valise.
Nell:
We did eat well that night.
Libuza:
I’m sorry about your leg... Boom Boom.
Boom Boom:
Don’t you worry about a thing. My leg may be made of wood but the rest of my body is cast iron. See there? Go ahead, touch it, that’s my bicep. See what I mean? Like I’ve got a coconut up my sleeve.
Nell:
Won an arm wrestling competition in Guadalajara.
Boom Boom:
Nell, it’s good to see you again, partner. Though I reckon if I’m seeing you again, you don’t have time to chat.
Nell:
BB, I hear there’s a riverboat captain who likes to make himself known around your place. I need to go with someone I haven’t worked with before, so I’m just a bit wary.
Boom Boom:
I’ve got one for sure, but I don’t know that he’s the type you want to be associated with.
Nell:
Well, we’re pressed for time so I’m afraid I can’t be particular.
Boom Boom:
If you say so, Buckshot.
Nell:
Where can I find him?
Boom Boom:
I’ll fetch him for you, stay right here. Lupe! Give me that bucket of water.
Gloria:
Okay, everybody start calling me “Boom Boom.”
Leif:
Strangely the wooden leg works for you.
Gloria:
Right?
Caspar:
Anybody wondering where Zebulon is?
Boom Boom:
Soggy!
Boom boom tosses the bucket of water onto soggy.
Soggy:
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy, Morning has broken!
Boom Boom:
Rise and shine, Soggy.
Ava:
There he is.
Caspar:
Oh my God.
Soggy:
Boom Boom, I’d like to take this time to remind you that there are many ways to wake a man up in the morning.
Boom Boom:
Maybe, but there’s only one way to wake him up in the afternoon, which it is.
Soggy:
How am I supposed to know that? My watch has been broken since an unfortunate incident in Paraguay.
Boom Boom:
You’ve got a customer, Soggy. I’m making you coffee.
Soggy:
Much obliged. And if you wouldn’t mind, just a bit of rum in it, also, hold the coffee.
Nell:
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Soggy:
Morning, ladies.
Soggy sits at their table.
Nell:
Afternoon.
Soggy:
That as well. How can I be of assistance?
Nell:
You can’t.
Soggy:
You’re in need of a river boat.
Nell:
You’re in need of a shower.
Soggy:
On the contrary, I bathed mere moments ago in a delightful spray of mop water. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Aloysius J McGillicuddy. Most folks call me Soggy.
Nell:
Are you called Soggy because your boat is always sinking?
Soggy:
On the contrary. I am called Soggy because I am quite often woken up by a bucket of water. But now that you mention it, my boat has sank many times. Do either of you have a light?
Libuza:
Your cigarette is soaking wet.
Soggy:
Ah, so it is. Let’s wait for that to dry shall we?
Nell:
Boom Boom, are you serious?
Boom Boom:
Hey, I’ve got what I’ve got.
Soggy:
Is there a problem?
Nell:
Mr. McGillicuddy you have, in the span of about 20 seconds, informed me that you are a drunk whose boat is always sinking. Why in the world would I entrust you with my safety?
Soggy:
Well, life is interesting here on these rivers. I’ve found that people tend to engage me in various business arrangements, due to the fact that I have the only boat for hire for about three-hundred miles in either direction. So, people are free to shop around, but there’s only one thing for sale up on the shelf, isn’t there? (To Libuza.) That’s economics, is what that is, young lady.
Nell:
I’d rather swim.
Soggy:
The Piranha would prefer that as well.
Nell:
We’ll decline your services at this time, Mr. McGillicuddy.
Soggy:
Now ladies, please understand, I realize my appearance may be a bit shoddy, but it’s not as though we’ve sat down at the ritz together, have we? I’m sure you wish me to be a more sober man but as Yeats once said: “The worst thing about some men is that, when they are not drunk they are sober.”
Nell:
You’ve read Yeats?
Soggy:
Did a stint in a Bolivian prison. I was allowed one book.
Nell:
And you picked Yeats?
Soggy:
I was not allowed to choose which book.
Nell:
... Thank you for your time, Mr. McGillicuddy.
Soggy:
Very well, as it happens I have an empty diary for today, so when you change your mind, I’ll be right over there.
Nell:
Good to know.
Soggy stumbles back across the bar.
Gloria:
Okay, Libuza, this is going to be a challenge, but you’ve got to convince Effie to hire him, okay?
Libuza:
It... it sounds like we may have to hire him, what else are we going to do?
Nell:
I haven’t figured that out yet, but I do know that getting on that man’s boat is a death sentence.
Libuza:
More of a death sentence than being caught by the— who were they again?
Nell:
The Society of Bethanies. I’d rather take my chances with them than with whatever that man’s excuse for a boat is.
The door to the bar swings open and a hush falls over the crowd. FOur Nazi soldiers and their commander walk into the bar.
Ava:
Who is this now?
Gloria:
Oh, come on.
Caspar:
Fucking Nazis, seriously?
Kommandant Blunt:
So sorry to disturb, Gentlemen. Please, continue with your debauchery.
Libuza:
Oh my god.
Caspar:
What?
Ava:
What?
Gloria:
No.
Leif:
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Kommandant Blunt:
My name is Kommandant Blunt of the Third Reich. I wish to know the whereabouts of one Doctor Eleanor Drake. Known to her friends as Nell. Or the more familiar: Buckshot.
Gloria:
Oh my God.
Leif:
I can’t fucking believe this!
Caspar:
(Laughing.) Leif is a Nazi.
Kommandant blunt approaches Nell and Libuza.
Kommandant Blunt:
Frau Drake, I presume?
Nell:
Can I help you?
Caspar:
This is the most Hogan’s Heroes-ass shit I’ve ever seen in my life.
Kommandant Blunt:
May I sit?
Nell:
I’d rather you not.
Kommandant blunt sits.
Kommandant Blunt:
It is a pleasure to meet you Frau Doctor. I have heard many tales of your adventures around the globe.
Nell:
People tend to exaggerate.
Kommandant Blunt:
As a doctor and woman of letters, I would hope that on this day, logic would prevail.
Nell:
Hard to hear about logic from a man wearing black leather in the jungle.
Kommandant Blunt:
I’m sure you understand that the Third Reich has many associates throughout the globe, just as you may. And when those associates find themselves in a particular predicament, we wish to assist them in their endeavors. You are in possession of a map. A map which is the rightful property of our associate. We only ask that you return this map and our business here can be complete.
Nell:
For a nation in such a hurry to conquer the world, you’d think you’d be better at cutting to the chase.
Kommandant Blunt:
Then perhaps you should not waste my time.
Ava:
Vee have vays uff makink you tolk!
Libuza stifles a laugh.
Nell:
... Ms. Higgins?
Gloria:
Oh my god. Libuza, I realize that Leif dressed like a Nazi is the funniest thing that has ever happened in history, but you really can’t laugh right now.
Libuza:
... Forgive me.
Kommandant Blunt:
I do not understand what is funny.
Nell:
I wouldn’t expect a German to understand what’s funny.
Kommandant Blunt:
Oh, I see, yes, you Americans always walking around saying “Ha Ha, look at me I am so humorous.” We shall see who is laughing when our tanks parade through your Capitol!
Caspar:
Nazi Leif is Madt.
Leif:
Shut up.
Ava:
It soundz as zough zomvone did not have his Müsli zis morning.
Libuza stifles another laugh.
Kommandant Blunt:
Cease your laughter! You realize I am only having this conversation because I am attempting to be civil.
Nell:
Really? Well I’m only having this conversation so that Boom Boom has time to load her fifty caliber.
Kommandant Blunt:
Pardon?
We hear the bolt slide back of a fifty caliber machine gun.
Boom Boom:
Let’s make some sauerkraut!!
Boom boom opens fire and everyone hits the deck.
Nell:
Out the back, Ms. Higgins!
Gloria:
Libuza, move it!
Boom Boom:
I’ve got a crate full of bullets and a hankerin’ for dead Nazis!
Kommandant Blunt:
Return fire!!
As a full scale firefight breaks out in the bar, nell and libuza exit through the back door.
Nell:
We need to get away from the river. We’ll have to go into the jungle!
Libuza:
Then what do we do?!
Pulling along side them in the river is Soggy’s run down river boat.
Soggy:
Lovely day for a sojourn on the river, ladies.
Gloria:
Get on the boat!
Libuza:
I think we need to get on the boat.
Nell:
It’s safer back in the bar.
Libuza:
Dr. Drake, I need to get you to that hidden city, and I need it to be with him. Please.
Nell:
... Damn it all. Let’s go.
Soggy:
All aboard!
We move up to the roof. Teta is cleaning Dame Judi. Fiona comes up the ladder. Teta notices her and stop cleaning her gun.
Teta:
... You were supposed to be on the ship.
Fiona:
I know... I’ve been hiding by the dumpster.
Teta goes back to cleaning her gun.
Fiona:
... You’ve fought in a bunch of wars?
Teta:
Some of them were wars. Some of them were just disagreements.
Fiona:
... How do you know when to fight?
Teta:
What do you mean?
Fiona:
Well, it’s called a fight or flight response. How do you know when it’s fight or flight?
Teta:
I don’t really do the “flight” part.
Fiona:
Didn’t the three of you escape some other place though? You were in some other galaxy and then you came here?
Teta:
You’re confusing running away with a tactical retreat.
Fiona:
... I couldn’t get on the ship. I had to know who did this to me. I had to know why.
Teta:
That desire may get you killed.
Fiona:
... I know... Anyway that’s what I’m doing here. Not that you asked.
Teta:
You’re right, I didn’t ask. But I get it... I’d rather live ten seconds looking my fear right in the eye than spend a lifetime running from it. It’s brave.
Fiona:
Right now it just feels stupid.
Teta:
Oh, it’s stupid too. But brave and stupid are often a matching set.
Kazi starts coming up the ladder.
Kazi:
Teta, we need to speak.
Teta:
Sure. We have a stowaway.
Kazi:
We do?... Fiona.
Fiona:
Hi.
Kazi:
What’s this about, Fiona?
Teta:
She has decided to face her fears.
Kazi:
I see... You should’ve consulted with me about this, Fiona.
Fiona:
I think sometimes you have to do something ill-advised. What good would advice do?
Kazi:
Very well. You’re in it, now.
Fiona:
Okay... do I get a tattoo or something?
Kazi:
You don’t. Teta, I need to speak with you.
Teta:
Yeah?
Kazi:
I need you to think back over the past few weeks.
Teta:
So many fond memories.
Kazi:
In all of your skirmishes with our assailants, do you recall a time in which one of them was pointing their weapon at you, trying to kill you specifically?
Teta:
They took a lot of shots at us.
Kazi:
At you specifically.
Teta:
Honestly, I wasn’t paying that much attention to what they wanted. Why?
Kazi:
We haven’t had time to speak. During one of the away missions, one of them declined to kill me. As if they were being ordered not to.
Teta:
Ordered by who?
Kazi:
I’m unsure.
Teta:
Could be they have different plans for us than they do the Earthlings.
Kazi:
What would be the tactical advantage of not killing us? We’re more dangerous than the Earthlings.
Teta:
...Remember when Ava first busted us out of prison? Remember what those two guards called us?
Kazi:
... The Descendants.
Teta:
...
Kazi:
...
Teta:
I don’t like this at all.
Kazi:
We need to refrain from making any assumptions until we have more evidence.
Teta:
In a few hours, we’re going to get a shit ton of evidence.
Kazi:
The more information we can have before we land on their home world, the better. Libuza may be onto something downstairs. Do you have anything else?
Teta:
I was talking to Leif and Ava earlier. They had a theory, and I think I have to agree.
Kazi:
What is it?
Teta:
Their weapons suck.
Kazi:
Their weapons are incredibly powerful.
Teta:
Not in one to one combat. If it’s an overwhelming force, sure they’re powerful. But they’re slow to fire and they’re vulnerable when they are firing. The kind of technology these guys have, they could make something way more effective than what they’re using.
Kazi:
And how do you account for that?
Teta:
Only theory I have? Their weapons are built for a different kind of target.
Kazi:
What kind of target?
Teta:
I’ve been thinking about it all day. The only reason I would make a weapon like that— a weapon that doesn’t kill you but instead flings you across the multiverse? I’d only use that on something I didn’t know how to kill.
Kazi:
... They’re scared of something.
Teta:
Something that isn’t us.
Kazi:
Well, what the hell is it?
Teta:
I don’t know... I’d love to not find out.
Kazi:
Well... that’s not the most helpful information, but any information will do.
Fiona:
Kazi?
Kazi:
Yes, Fiona?
Fiona:
You said you needed information. Is there any way that some information might be... inside me?
Kazi:
I was already able to get some information from you, Fiona.
Fiona:
I was just thinking... You said I was born in some sort of birthing chamber and then had memories implanted in me. Even though I was young, do you think maybe, there are some memories in there... somewhere?
Kazi:
... The human brain can’t create long term memories until roughly its third year... which means for memories to be implanted in you, you would need a brain capable of retaining long term memories... so... I suppose it’s possible that you may have very faint memories of that process taking place.
Fiona:
Well... want to come and get them?
Kazi:
I don’t know if that’s wise, Fiona.
Fiona:
You already put nanobites in my bloodstream, couldn’t you just use those?
Kazi:
I would need to add more, and it would be very invasive.
Fiona:
That’s okay.
Kazi:
It’s not okay, Fiona. It would be very dangerous.
Fiona:
Kazi, if I’m being honest, I’d like to rip every single thing out of my body right now and completely start over anyway. So... so, go nuts.
Kazi:
Alright... let’s begin...
We hear soggy’s boat TRAVELING along the river at night.
Soggy:
Very good, very good. Keep you hands on the wheel or at least within a grabbing distance of the wheel and you’ll be doing just fine.
Libuza:
But I don’t know where I’m going.
Soggy:
Don’t worry. The key to navigating a river is the following: if you see trees ahead, turn.
Libuza:
Which way?
Soggy:
Toward the way without the trees.
Libuza:
Alright.
Soggy:
Call out of you hit anything.
Soggy walks along the bough of the ship where nell is sitting.
Soggy:
My cigarettes have now thoroughly dried out, can I offer you one?
Nell:
Please.
He lights her cigarette.
Soggy:
Rum?
Nell:
As well, thank you.
He pours her a drink.
Soggy:
I’m realizing now that I’ve heard of you.
Nell:
You’ve sobered up, then?
Soggy:
Not at all, no... Buckshot Drake.
Nell:
I spent five years telling people not to call me that and eventually I had to surrender.
Soggy:
That sort of thing tends to happen when you carry a shotgun around.
Nell:
Well, I’m not going to carry a ukulele around.
Soggy:
Yes, Honolulu Drake does not command the same type of attention.
Nell:
It does not.
Soggy:
So what’s all the hubbub then, Doctor? I’ve known you only a few hours and you’ve already ruined my favorite bar.
Nell:
I’m on an expedition.
Soggy:
Oh, really? This isn’t how you vacation?
Nell:
I’m an archaeologist.
Soggy:
I see... Well let me put a few things together here... an archaeologist, being chased by Nazis and the like, heading down river to an undisclosed location. One can only assume there’s a sizable pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.
Nell:
...
Soggy:
... Do you have any idea how many folks like you have come down here looking for that lost Incan treasure?
Nell:
Well, I hear gold is popular.
Soggy:
More so than staying alive, it would seem.
Nell:
Mr. McGillicuddy, are you concerned for my safety?
Soggy:
We’ve been through so much together, I’d hate to lose you now. It’s a rather dangerous road to travel, is all I’m saying.
Nell:
Good for me that I’m traveling by boat, then.
Soggy:
I’ve carried my share of treasure hunters up and down this river. May I ask you the question that always seems to flummox them?
Nell:
Oh, please do.
Soggy:
... Then what?
Nell:
“Then what?”
Soggy:
Once they’re sauced enough, they tell me their plan and how long it’s taken them to put it together. They have it on good authority that the gold is here, they have a map leading to the gold there, etcetera. And after I hear them tell their little tale, that’s when I lay it on them. “Then what?”... It’s at that moment they realize that they’ve been so focused on finding the treasure of a lifetime, they have no idea what they’re going to do once they have it. They think for a long while and then finally come up with something completely embarrassing like “Buy a house.” Why does money always fall into the hands of those incapable of doing anything interesting with it?
Nell:
And what would you do?
Soggy:
Money corrupts the soul, Doctor. That’s why I’ve seen fit to never have any. Though, if you do hit the jackpot I wouldn’t mind a new boat.
Nell:
I’ll consider it.
Soggy:
But in truth... what will you do with it all?
Nell:
Nothing special. Perhaps I’ll have you take me up and down these rivers and I’ll go village by village, handing it out one piece at a time.
Soggy:
Ah, going for folk hero status, then? Pecos Bill, John Henry, and now, Buckshot Drake.
Nell:
Why not?
Soggy:
Well, as folk heroes go, you’re not so bad.
David:
(In Libuza’s ear.) Hey, Libuza.
Libuza:
Hi, David.
David:
Quick question: is there a vibe?
Libuza:
I’m sorry?
Gloria:
Thank you for saying something.
David:
They’re flirting with each other.
Libuza:
They are?
Caspar:
They are?
David:
Oh yes.
Leif:
I’m with David.
Nell:
What’s the status of your hull? Are we going to be a breakfast buffet for the caimans by the morning?
Soggy:
Our current waterline seems to be holding. I think we’ll have a safe night’s sleep.
David:
... Go in, Zebulon.
Gloria:
This feels like a private moment but I can’t look away.
Soggy:
... If you like, you can come down and inspect the hull yourself. Might help you sleep soundly tonight to see it for yourself.
Nell:
...
Soggy:
...
Nell:
... Pour me another drink, Mr. McGillicuddy.
Soggy:
Yes ma’am.
Ava:
Cue the saxophone music.
He pours her another drink.
Nell:
... Lead the way. Bring the bottle.
Soggy:
I always do.
Libuza:
Oh my God.
David:
So much game.
Gloria:
This of course raises the question, are all their personas fucking?
Ava:
Oh, sure.
Caspar:
Frank and Dr. Barbara?
Leif:
Absolutely.
Gloria:
One-hundred percent.
Ava:
I thought we all knew that.
Up on the roof.
Kazi:
I’ll need you to keep your eyes closed through this entire process, Fiona.
Fiona:
Okay.
Kazi:
I’m going to try and access early visual memories so the less stimulus to your optic centers, the better.
Fiona:
Okay.
Kazi:
I’m going to inject more nanites now.
Fiona:
Okay, can I just say, I know I was acting very brave earlier, but I did think I would be unconscious for this.
Kazi injects the nanites.
Fiona:
Ow! Ow ow ow, okay.
Kazi:
I apologize. During certain procedures on the brain the subject needs to stay awake so that I can monitor their speech.
Teta:
You’ll be fine, Fiona. She had to do the same thing to me a couple of times. I don’t know what it is about shrapnel, it just loves to get lodged in my brain.
Fiona:
That didn’t kill you?
Teta:
A Leharian only dies when they get sick of living.
Kazi:
Especially this one.
Fiona:
Why especially Teta? I’m sorry, should I not be talking right now?
Kazi:
No, the talking helps, I need to look out for slurred speech and jumbled words.
Fiona:
Okay. What’s so special about Teta?
Kazi:
Teta, Libuza, and myself are all the children of a very mysterious man who conquered a large part of the Andromeda galaxy a very long time ago. He had lots and lots of children whom he left with several genetic advantages. We’re the last three.
Fiona:
What happened to the others?
Teta:
Killed mostly. Some disappeared, but we think they’re dead too.
Kazi:
We became an inconvenient presence for the powers that be. But I was used to being an inconvenient presence, so I knew how to survive. Libuza survived because she could always anticipate their moves, and Teta lived for obvious reasons.
Teta:
My charm, she’s talking about my charm.
Fiona:
What happened to your father?
Kazi:
Toward the end, he could see that he couldn’t win against a changing galaxy.
Teta:
So he climbed into his ship and he flew it into a star.
Fiona:
Wow... was he a good dad?
Kazi:
None of us knew him. He had always moved on by the time we were grown.
Fiona:
But how many cats were in the newspaper?
Kazi:
... Say that again, Fiona?
Fiona:
But how many cats were in the newspaper?
Kazi:
Okay, I think we’ve reached your speech center, Fiona. Can you say your name for me?
Fiona:
Paul Giamatti.
Kazi:
Excellent, we can begin.
Fiona:
There’s only, like, twelve fries in a Happy Meal.
Kazi:
Fiona, for the next few minutes we’re not going to be able to understand you but you’ll understand us, alright?
Fiona:
Like a parliamentary system?
Teta:
This is funny. You should do this at parties.
Kazi:
I’m going to attempt to mine early visual memories. The nanites are connected to me so I should be able to see the memories myself.
Fiona:
I don’t travel a lot but when I do, I think about Shakira.
Kazi:
Teta, try to keep her talking while I’m doing this.
Teta:
No problem. Hey Fiona, what’s you favorite color?
Fiona:
Eleven.
Teta:
And what’s your favorite number?
Fiona:
Twinkies?
Teta:
And what’s your favorite snack?
Fiona:
The Bronze Age.
Teta:
What’s six plus five?
Fiona:
Twelve.
Teta:
What’s you favorite bedtime story?
Fiona:
The pogo stick was invented in 1919 by German inventor Max Pohlig and German engineer Ernst Gottschall(who combined their names Po-Go for the device). However, modern spring-based pogo sticks were developed and popularized in America by George Hansburg in the 1920s. According to legend, Hansburg was inspired by seeing children in Burma using stilts with rubber springs.
Teta:
Yeah, that’s a good one.
Kazi:
I’ve got it... There you are, Fiona... Just a child in a lab... it looks like they had to keep you conscious the same way I am now. You look no older than three years of age.
Teta:
She remembers that far back?
Kazi:
Luckily for us it was a traumatic memory. The human brain may suppress traumatic memories but it never ever lets go of them... She’s surrounded by technicians. They’re human as well... I don’t recognize the technology they’re using... There... There’s some sort of symbol on the way, if the technicians would just move... Alright I see it...
Teta:
...
Kazi:
...
Teta:
... What is it?
Kazi:
...
Teta:
... Kazi.
Kazi:
... I see... Fiona, time is of the essence, I’m going to have to pull you out of this very quickly.
Fiona:
Late Night with Conan O’Brian.
Teta:
Kazi, what did you see?
Kazi:
... I need to speak with Libuza...
Morning on the river. The boat has docked at a dense part of the jungle. Nell prepares for the journey.
Nell:
Morning, Ms. Higgins.
Libuza:
Morning.
Nell:
Sleep well?
Libuza:
Yes, um... did you sleep in his quarters last night?
Nell:
I did.
Libuza:
I thought you said he disgusted you?
Nell:
Oh, he does. But he was there, I was there, we were on the river. Seemed only natural. Don’t be a prude Ms. Higgins. It’s only the disgusting ones who have learned a thing or two.
Leif:
Vindication at last.
Soggy:
I’m no expert, Doctor, but that does not look like an ancient city to me.
Libuza:
It just looks like the Jungle.
Nell:
It’s there, trust me. The jungle can claim a corpse in two weeks, a vehicle in a month. This jungle has had hundreds of years to make this city disappear. As the legend goes, there’s a hidden vault beneath the city. Shouldn’t be far from here.
Soggy:
I’ve shut off the motor, haven’t I?
Libuza:
Yes.
Soggy:
Then what is that sound?
Three super-fast motor boats are suddenly surrounding soggy’s boat. We hear the sound of several guns being cocked at once.
Soggy:
Morning gentlemen. I realize there’s precious few places to dock on this river, but that’s no need for gunplay.
Libuza:
Who are they?
Nell:
It’s the same people who have been chasing us this whole time... The Society of Bethanies.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
Bonjour à vous, Madame Drake.
David:
Oh, hell yes.
Gloria:
Jesus Christ, Ava.
Leif:
She’s got a riding crop.
Caspar:
Of course.
Nell:
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp. Lovely to finally meet you.
Ava:
Dear Baby Jesus, thank you so much for making me the evil French lady.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
What a time it has been to chase you across zee globe, Madame Drake. But zee time has come to surrender.
Libuza:
Do we run?
Nell:
I count 1,2,3,4,5 long guns, Ms. Higgins, we wouldn’t make it ten yards.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
Please allow me to express Mes remerciements. Zis petite aventure has been in truth l'émotion d'une vie.
David:
Lady, what the hell are you saying?
Ava:
Who cares, it sounds fabulous.
Nell:
You know, Ms. Duchamp, you’ve made a big mistake backing the Third Reich. When you get in bed with fascists, you’re just a frog who thinks they’re a scorpion.
Caspar:
What?
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
(To her henchmen.) What is zis? Can you say? Scorpion? Le grenouille? No matter. Madame you will give zee map to my men or we will be given la tâche malheureuse of killing you and leaving your bodies in zee river... le jeu est terminé, Mademoiselle. The time has come to surrender to me.
Nell:
I’m not giving you the map.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
Then you shall die.
Soggy:
Let’s hold the phone here, ladies. Things are running awful hot here on the river. Now, I realize you’re both very passionate about finding this little pile of treasure off in the Jungle, but I’ve found that the true treasure is a life well lived and a long one at that. So, allow me to be the adult in the room. The map is right here in the bag, allow me to fetch it for you.
Nell:
Mr. McGillicuddy if you reach into that bag-
Soggy:
Do we have a deal, Ms. Drake?
Nell:
What?
Soggy:
I mentioned before. You find your gold, you buy me a boat?
Nell:
... Certainly.
Soggy:
Good, I’ll be needing one.
Soggy takes a stick of DYNAMITE out of the bag.
Gloria:
Oh shit.
Caspar:
That’s not a map.
Soggy:
Here we have it.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
Mon dieu!
Soggy lights the stick of dynamite.
Soggy:
One treasure map.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
Monsieur, zat is a stick of TNT!!
Soggy:
Is it? My goodness, you know, I’m not good until I’ve had my morning rum— what an embarrassing mistake. I’ll just set this down by these gas cans.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
Monsieur!
Nell:
Glorioski.
Soggy:
Into the drink, ladies!
Nell:
Jump, Ms. Higgins!
Libuza:
Oh God!
All three of them jump into the water, leaving the stick of dynamite lit on the gas cans.
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp:
Sacre bleu.
We hear a gigantic explosion. AFter a moment we hear the sounds of a cave. Nell, Soggy, and libuza make their way through the darkness.
Soggy:
I’m thinking when you buy me a new boat I’ll go a step up, really treat myself. Maybe a cruiser this time, up my prices, make a killing. Then again, who needs the extra hullaballoo that comes along with success?
Libuza:
How much deeper do we need to go?
Nell:
We’ve found it.
Libuza:
... What is all this?
Nell:
I’m afraid it’s a puzzle.
Libuza:
There must be a hundred symbols on this wall.
Soggy:
What’s it all mean?
Nell:
Nothing.
Soggy:
Nothing? Seems a lot of trouble for nothing.
Nell:
Together they mean nothing. Every symbol appears to be a panel that we depress. We need to choose the right symbol.
Soggy:
And if we don’t?
Nell:
I’m not completely sure, but it will be something along the lines of poison darts, trap doors, maybe a den of poisonous snakes dropping down on our heads.
Soggy:
Well that’s hardly a friendly doorbell. I’m getting the sense that the owner of this vault doesn’t want us here at all.
Nell:
That’a a shrewd assessment, Soggy.
Soggy:
(To Libuza.) Hear that? She called me Soggy. I believe we’ll be married in the Spring.
Libuza:
I’m happy for you.
Nell:
None of these symbols make any sense. I’ve never seen any of them before... Damn it.
Kazi:
Libuza, can you hear me?
Libuza:
(Staying out of earshot.) Yes, what is it?
Kazi:
What are you looking at right now?
Libuza:
It’s a wall of symbols. We need to press the right one to get access to the vault.
Kazi:
I see... Libuza I need you to look for the Mark of the Visitor.
Libuza:
... Why?
Kazi:
Please just do it, Libuza.
Libuza:
Alright.
Caspar:
Kazi, what’s The Mark of the Visitor?
Libuza:
Wait... it’s here. Can you see it?
Kazi:
I see it.
Gloria:
Kazi, what’s going on?
Kazi:
Press it, Libuza.
Libuza:
Are you sure?
Kazi:
Sadly, I am.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
Kazi. What the hell is the Mark of the Visitor?
Kazi:
It’s the sigil of our father.
Libuza presses the button and a massive stone door begins to slide open.
Soggy:
She’s done it!
Nell:
Nice work, Ms. Higgins.
Soggy:
... Here it comes...
The sliding of the massive stone door slowly gives way to the sound of the Mucklewains’ farm. Libuza stands in the front yard.
Libuza:
Hello?
Libuza slowly walks up the front steps and in through the front door. The kettle is being taken off the burner and a tea pot is being filled. Effie sits in her chair.
Effie:
Hello there, darlin’.
Libuza:
Effie.
Effie:
Libuza, you look exhausted.
Libuza:
Yes... I’m not sure how much longer I can stay here.
Effie:
It’s not a place for the timid, dear.
Libuza:
Effie, what happened?
Effie:
We got what we came for.
Libuza:
You know his plan?
Effie:
I’m afraid we do, yes.
Libuza:
... It’s not good news.
Effie:
It is not, dear.
Libuza:
After all that.
Effie:
Yes, it’s not what we hoped for. But we’re now armed with knowledge which is a better weapon than none at all.
Libuza:
What happens now?
Effie:
Now, you are going to skedattle back to the diner and remove yourself from that contraption of yours. There’s much to discuss, but before all that, Zebulon and I are going to have a moment. You tell Gloria and the rest we’ll be right along.
Libuza:
... Are we going to be okay?
Effie:
I believe we will. So let’s start with that.
Libuza:
Alright... you have a lovely home.
Effie:
It’ll do... It was very brave of you to come along on this little fantasy of ours, dear. You’re quite intrepid for one so young.
Libuza:
I’m very old, Effie.
Effie:
Only on the outside, dear. Now, you go on.
Libuza fades away. Zebulon enters with tea.
Zebulon:
Here we are, dear.
Effie:
Thank you, husband.
Zebulon sits.
Effie:
... Quite a storm we’re headed into, dear.
Zebulon:
Indeed.
Effie:
Then what is that smile about?
Zebulon:
Oh, you know how it is. In the storm, in the calm, with you there? Always an adventure.
Effie:
‘Tis that... Casting yourself as a drunken river rat, I never.
Zebulon:
Not to point fingers dear, but there you were, in the bowels of my ship... out of wedlock?
Effie:
I heard no complaints from you.
Zebulon:
No those were not complaints you heard.
Effie:
Zebulon!
Zebulon:
... Bit of music?
Effie:
Please.
Music plays as we move to the diner. Everyone takes in what the mucklewains have just said to them.
Leif:
Well... all of that sucks.
Effie:
It’s not a bouquet of flowers, Leif, that much is certain.
Ava:
At least we know something now.
David:
What does that get us?
Caspar:
Seriously. Before the Mucklewains’ adventure, we were heading into a no-win situation. Now we’re heading into a no-win situation.
Fiona:
There’s really nothing we can do?
Zebulon:
Hope springs eternal, Fiona.
Caspar:
Oh, goddamn it, Zebulon.
Libuza:
I still can’t believe this is happening.
Teta:
Believe it. It’s happening.
Kazi:
There are still several unknowns. Personally I’m looking forward to some clarity.
Caspar:
Well if Kazi is looking forward to it then I fucking quit.
Ava:
You can’t quit now, Schmoopie, nobody else’ll hire you.
Caspar:
I’m sure there’s a dimension-hopping unemployment office out there somewhere.
Leif:
Maybe we all should’ve ditched. Sent an empty diner to the heart of darkness.
Libuza:
Maloo’s family is there. We can’t leave them.
Leif:
Goddamn this guy absolutely fucked us. It’s like he knows the diner better than we do. I feel like I’m back in The Triad, completely trapped. It’s ridiculous. This place should feel like the freest place in the universe and look at us, we’re a flying jail right now.
Ava:
Food’s better, though.
David:
No matching outfits.
Zebulon:
And escape attempts would most assuredly fail.
Caspar:
I do truly hate, sometimes, our ability to make fun jokes in the face of total motherfucking doom!
Gloria:
Everybody shut up for a second.
Caspar:
...
Leif:
...
David:
...
Gloria:
... Okay... We have a few hours left. I am going to have several questions. And then I am going to have a plan. When you hear this plan, you are going to say I’m out of my mind. And then we’re going to do it anyway...
A kitchen timer goes off.
Gloria:
Enchiladas are done... Everybody ready to get started?
The end.