Welcome to the Horizon

Part 10: Phoenix

Morning at the sheep’s eye. June and frank wait for the doors to open.
Frank:
... Look, I’m sure that Eldin can give you the full rundown of all this, but that’s the gist of what he told me... I am... I don’t know what I am but... apparently I am still me. It’s still Frank in here, I didn’t really understand his explanation for it, something about quantum physics and some sort of emerging theory about consciousness being, I don’t know, mobile or something... Clementine needed a body to put me in and she just kind of “winged it.”... I still breathe in and out but according to Eldin I don’t- Jesus Christ this sounds so ridiculous- I don’t have lungs. Eldin says that it doesn’t have to be about needing air it can be about maintaining a consistent temperature or sampling the atmosphere or something... But anyway, there I was at the bottom of the cliff, not a scratch on me. I don’t sleep anymore, I still eat and drink but I don’t know if I’m doing that out of force of habit... And of course Trinkett has her theories, too, but I cannot tell you how much I don’t want to talk about those... So there... that’s the whole story...
June:
...
Frank:
... You say something now.
June:
... Swamp Thing.
Frank:
... What?
June:
... You’re Swamp Thing.
Frank:
... June.
June:
Brilliant scientist Alec Holland is thrown into the swamp after a freak accident. His consciousness merges with the swamp and he is reborn as... The Swamp Thing.
Frank:
I was really feeling bad not telling you this. Not feeling bad anymore.
June:
Don’t act like you’re not Swamp Thing.
Frank:
I’m not Swamp Thing, what are you talking about?
June:
Frankie, you were the only kid in America who liked that movie for reasons other than Adrienne Barbeau.
Frank:
This was fun. This was a good talk.
June:
You even liked the sequel.
Frank:
No, I didn’t.
June:
You thought comics were for nerds, but what did you keep under your bed? Your Swamp Thing collection.
Frank:
It wasn’t a collection.
June:
There was supposed to be porn under there, Frank.
Frank:
Did it occur to you that I might need some help right now? That I might need some support? Instead I get Swamp Thing.
June:
Frank. Relax. What did I tell you? When the weird shit starts happening, it’s all the sci-fi and comic book girlies who are going to be ready and should be listened to. Why are you not listening to me?
Frank:
I am listening to you and what you’re saying sounds ridiculous.
June:
Frank. Calm down. I’ve got a whole theory. I’m about to blow your mind.
Frank:
... Okay. Blow my mind.
June:
Come with me on this journey: Clementine, in her dumbness, smashes your body apart like a Dollar Store piñata. But you, like a looney tunes character who has just been shot by Elmer Fudd, still stand there as a ghost. Is it so ridiculous to think that in the brief seconds right before you were put into this new body, that you somehow, deep down, had a bit of a say in what that body would be?
Frank:
...
June:
I mean, why not? It’s your body.
Frank:
You’re saying I did this to myself?
June:
I’m saying, I’m glad you weren’t obsessed with Batman as a kid. You would’ve been transformed into a psychotic rich guy.
Frank:
We can stop talking about it now.
June:
Hey, Alec Holland had to burn alive in a freak accident to become Swamp Thing– at least you didn’t have to do that.
Frank:
I’m not Swamp Thing.
An army jeep approaches.
Frank:
And it wasn’t a freak accident, his lab was fire-bombed by The Conclave.
June:
Ah-HA!
Celeste gets out of the jeep.
Celeste:
Morning.
June:
Sergeant Slaughter.
Celeste:
June, Please. It’s Sergeant Major Slaughter.
June:
Look at the new Celeste, she’s got jokes.
Frank:
Everyone’s waiting inside.
Celeste:
Just a small group?
Frank:
It’s just me, June, Deidre, Trinkett, and Doug. I thought about asking TJ but nobody ever knows where the hell he is.
Celeste:
Okay. Thank you for not inviting Steve.
June:
He’s going to show up anyway, he always shows up.
Celeste:
Well, let’s get a move on, then.
June:
What’s this about, Celeste?
Celeste:
You’ll see.
They walk inside the sheep’s eye.
Celeste:
Good morning, everyone.
Deidre:
Hey guys. I made muffins.
June:
God bless you, Deidre.
Deidre:
Coffee’s over there.
Doug:
What’s this about, guys?
June:
Doug you have been invited to a secret meeting.
Doug:
Really?
June:
Oh, yes.
Doug:
Wow. Thanks, guys. I’ve never been part of a secret society before.
Frank:
It’s not a secret society.
June:
Yes, it is. We need robes and a weird handshake.
Trinkett:
I’ve definitely got robes.
Frank:
Guys, Celeste asked for this meeting. She told me to choose a handful of people and I chose all of you.
June:
Point of order, Mr. Chairman.
Frank:
I’m not the chairman.
June:
I think all of us are still waiting for an apology.
Frank:
From who?
Celeste:
From me. June, I’m not going to apologize for following orders.
June:
Fine. Please tell the joint chiefs to send a letter of apology to my offices.
Celeste:
No.
Deidre:
What’s this about, Celeste?
Frank:
It’s about the comet... June, Trinkett, and I have been talking about this for a while, and assuming the rumor mill is still going strong in this town, I’m sure you’ve all heard about it too. Trinkett?
Trinkett:
I have a friend who works at an observatory in Chile who thinks that there is a very-hard-to-detect comet heading to the vicinity of Earth. I believe the last time this comet visited earth, it was a harbinger of change. This was around the end of the last ice age.
Celeste:
Then, a few weeks ago my base received a “hurry up and wait” order. This is the type of order that we get when we’re getting ready for something big, but we don’t know what.
Frank:
Then a few days ago, Trinkett hears that the observatory she’s been talking to has been seized by the Chilean government.
Trinkett:
Which they would do if they needed to control the information coming out of that observatory.
Celeste:
Which brings us to today, and why I asked Frank to bring you all here... Last night, a protocol was instituted across all US bases in all theaters. Every single one around the world. The protocol is called “Cannonball.” It’s a protocol instituted to prepare for a possible impact with Earth by an extra-terrestrial body.
Trinkett:
...
Frank:
...
June:
...
The door to the sheep’s eye opens and steve walks in.
Steve:
Morning, y’all. Looks like the rain’s about to start— here comes Fall. I gotta get the heat fixed in my place, me and Rambo are going to freeze.
Steve pours himself some coffee.
Steve:
I knew this guy once, Kyle. He thought he was hilarious because he said he was “Kyle from Detroit”, but he was from Detroit Lake, you know, over by Mt. Jefferson? Anyway, his heat was broken and he didn’t have any money to fix it. He said, “It’s fine, I’ll just wear my coat indoors.” So, winter comes and he gets drunk one night and passes out on his couch without his coat on. A few days later, they checked on him... frozen solid on his couch. Half a can of Blue Ribbon in his hand... Hey, muffins!
Frank:
Steve.
Steve:
Deidre, I didn’t know y’all were open this early.
Deidre:
We’re not open.
Frank:
We’re in the middle of a meeting, Steve.
Steve:
A meeting about what?
Frank:
...
Trinkett:
Just tell him, Frank.
Frank:
It’s a... It’s a meeting about the comet.
Steve:
Goddamn, y’all. You’re having a comet meeting without me?
Frank:
Don’t say “comet meeting” like it’s a thing we have all the time.
Steve:
I see how it is. Weird old Steve shut out again.
June:
Steve, I’m sorry. You’re right, we should’ve called you.
Steve:
I live here too, y’all.
Frank:
A lot of people live here. They’re not here either.
Steve:
Oh, I get it. Y’all are the important ones, is that it?
Frank:
I mean...
Steve:
Frank over here thinking he’s the Superman of Hood’s Pocket.
June:
Swamp Thing, actually.
Frank:
June.
Steve:
You know, I don’t know what I have to do to be treated like a member of this community. What do I have to do?
Frank:
Be dependable in any way.
Trinkett:
Frank, stop it. Okay look, Steve, we’re really sorry. We haven’t been treating you like the valued member of the community you are. Can we all stop for a second and say some things that we value in Steve?
Frank:
Right now?
Trinkett:
I’ll start. Steve, you have really great instincts. You may not be aware of your path but it’s always leading you somewhere very interesting.
Steve:
Thank you.
Frank:
Moving on.
June:
I’ll go.
Frank:
Goddamn it.
June:
Steve, an inconvenient truth about Hood’s Pocket is that skiers like to stop here because the drugs are really cheap. That then brings a lot of other business to town, so I would just like to say thank you, Steve, for the cut-rate narcotics you provide.
Steve:
You’re welcome.
Celeste:
Can we move on please?
Steve:
Well, let me get comfortable...
Trinkett:
(To Doug.) Hey. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
Doug:
Uh... I’m actually doing fine.
Trinkett:
Okay. Okay, good.
Steve:
Somebody catch me up.
Frank:
There’s a comet heading for Earth.
Steve:
I knew that part.
Frank:
No, for real. The US military knows. They’re preparing for it right now. That’s what Celeste came here to tell us.
June:
Yeah, way to bring down the room, Celeste.
Celeste:
You’d prefer I not tell you?
June:
Kind of.
Steve:
Why is she bringing it to us? This is top secret stuff, aren’t you going to get court martialed?
Celeste:
If anyone finds out, yes.
Deidre:
Why did you decide to tell us?
Celeste:
Because you’re my neighbors. And because... and because I object to it.
Trinkett:
You object to what?
Celeste:
Generals are pretty tight-lipped. That’s how you get to be a general. It all comes down to how good you are at keeping secrets and towing the line... But everyone else in the military, candidly, is a gossipy little shithead... You hear things. And there are parts of this protocol that I find... repugnant.
Trinkett:
What are they?
Celeste:
Right now, if you check airspace around the world you’re going to find several privately chartered aircraft heading to secret destinations... These planes are full of people who are being flown to shelters deep under the Earth.
June:
Who’s on the planes?
Celeste:
Who do you think is on the planes?
Steve:
... Goddamn Illuminati.
Frank:
Please tell me it’s the best and brightest of the human race?
Steve:
Illuminati.
Celeste:
It is not... This isn’t what I signed up for. We should be informing the public right now.
Steve:
Why don’t we? Let’s do it, I can go live on Instagram right now.
Frank:
So glad Steve is here now.
Celeste:
They would... they would do to you what I’ve been doing to you all for a long time. Make you look like you’re insane... There’s nothing we can do to get the word out about this, but I knew that I could come here and tell all of you. It’s not much but I thought it was important.
Doug:
How big?
Celeste:
How big what?
Doug:
Do they know how big the impact is going to be?
Celeste:
No.
Trinkett:
From what I learned from my friend, the comet isn’t going to hit Earth. But it may shed a lot of debris— and the debris could be pretty huge.
Doug:
Okay... Okay... If something hits the Earth about 500 feet wide, that can kill a city. 1000 feet, that will level a continent. Half a mile long? That’s about 6 million Hiroshima bombs— global cooling, crop failures, mass starvation. It’s also going to depend on what it’s made of. A comet will be ice, which actually helps us in this situation, if it were iron or some other metal we’d be in much more trouble.
Frank:
How do you know this, Doug?
Doug:
Lot of long nights thinking about how many ways the Earth can be destroyed, Frank.
Frank:
Fair point.
Doug:
I’m just saying, these things are survivable. Do we know how much time we have?
Celeste:
We don’t. The Department of Defense is working on it, but nothing so far.
Doug:
We should start getting ready.
Frank:
Get ready how? I doubt we have time to build an underground bunker.
Doug:
No, but we need supplies. Assuming we survive, supply chains are going to be shut down, there may be crop shortages, water shortages. Being up here on the mountain isn’t such a bad place to be, we’ll have fresh water from the snow pack, we’re out of the way of floods. HAM radio will be the way to go in terms of communication— I’ve got a pretty good set up back at the house, but we’ll have to see who else has got one. Really though, the name of the game is going to be pharmaceuticals and dry goods, if we can get a good stockpile of those things I think we may be able to ride this out until the lights come back on.
June:
... Three cheers for Doug’s paranoia, everybody.
Celeste:
We have supplies back at the base but it won’t be enough for the whole town.
Deidre:
We don’t even know who’s in town anymore. People have been leaving in droves. We need a head count.
Trinkett:
And once we do, we need to have a town meeting. We may not be able to warn the whole world but we can at least tell everyone in town.
Frank:
Okay, guys, listen. For a while we’ve been able to say that all this could be a big misunderstanding or something. I don’t think we can do that anymore. Because of a series of weird events, this minuscule town on a mountain knows a lot more than most of the people in the world. Am I still hoping that somehow this was all a big mistake? Sure. But I’m not just going to sit here and cross my fingers. I think the best thing for everyone’s anxiety is to have a job to do— something to focus on. So, right now, everybody head home and focus on your neighbors. Are your neighbors still around? If they are, don’t tell them some crazy story about comets and military bases and the illuminati, just tell them that there’s a meeting tonight at The Sheep’s Eye and it’s very important, Okay?
Celeste:
I’ll head back to base, and when there are any new developments, I will secretly let Frank know.
Frank:
We’re going to be okay, guys. Meeting adjourned.
Steve:
(To Doug.) Hey. I’ve got an idea.
Doug:
O...kay.
Steve:
We should go talk to Eva Grimm.
Doug:
Mmmm, I don’t know, Steve.
Steve:
She’s not so bad.
Doug:
She’s pretty intense.
Steve:
I think she’d be a good one to talk to right now.
June:
What are you buttheads talking about?
Steve:
June, don’t you think we should pay a little visit to Eva Grimm?
June:
Oooo, our local paranoid survivalist.
Steve:
Yeah. I’m mean if we’re talking about stocking up for the meteor winter— right?
June:
Doesn’t she have landmines in her yard?
Doug:
That’s what I heard.
Steve:
That’s just a myth.
Doug:
She comes into the store every six months to refresh her batteries and it’s a terrifying five minutes.
June:
I hate that Steve is right about this— but Steve is right about this. We’ve got to go talk to off-the-grid-Grimm.
Doug:
How about sending her a letter?
Steve:
It’s fine, man. We’ll wave a white flag as we approach.
June:
I’m sure she fires a warning shot first.
Doug:
Oh, God.
Trinkett:
Hey, Celeste.
Celeste:
Trinkett.
Trinkett:
I feel like this was a difficult decision for you. I appreciate you trusting us.
Celeste:
Desperate times, desperate measures.
Trinkett:
How are your migraines?
Celeste:
Oh... they’re uh... pretty bad.
Trinkett:
We were doing pretty well with those, maybe you should come back into the shop?
Celeste:
That would... that would be very helpful, thank you.
Trinkett:
Okay. Do me a favor, though. When you come back in, could bring me a gas mask?
Celeste:
I’m sorry?
Later, in verge’s room.
Verge:
... Where is everybody?
Eldin:
There was some sort of meeting at the Sheep’s Eye.
Verge:
Anything important?
Eldin:
No, not really.
Verge:
... I’m getting that “It’s too quiet.” Feeling.
Eldin:
Are you?
Verge:
Anything going on out there?
Eldin:
I just told you, there was a meeting at the Sheep’s Eye.
Verge:
Not out there, out there.
Eldin:
Nothing too alarming. Moon City appears to be getting an encoded message.
Verge:
That’s weird. Why?
Eldin:
I don’t know, it’s an encoded message.
Verge:
Who from?
Eldin:
The Ted homeworld.
Verge:
... I don’t like it.
Eldin:
Nor do I... could be nothing.
Verge:
Can you decode it?
Eldin:
Not from here, I’d need a direct connection.
Verge:
... Why would Moon City be getting an encoded message from the Ted homeworld?
Eldin:
I don’t know.
Verge:
They’re supposed to just sit there and broadcast Earth television to the rest of The Triad, aren’t they?
Eldin:
They are.
Verge:
... I don’t like it.
Eldin:
Nor do I.
There’s a knock at the door.
Eldin:
Frank is here, by the way.
Verge:
Come in.
The door opens.
Frank:
Hello there.
Verge:
Good morning.
Frank:
Verge, we need to talk.
Verge:
Uh oh.
Eldin:
Sounds very serious, Frank.
Frank:
Yeah, Verge, there’s no easy way to say this but there’s a comet headed for Earth and we need to all start getting ready.
Verge:
A comet.
Frank:
Yes. I know we’ve talked about the possibility of this, but it’s happening. It’s real.
Verge:
Eldin, is there a comet headed for Earth?
Eldin:
There’s not.
Frank:
... What?
Eldin:
There is not a comet headed for Earth.
Frank:
Well... how do you know?
Eldin:
Seriously?
Frank:
The US military is preparing for total disaster and every powerful person on the planet is apparently headed for some sort of underground bunker. So yes, Eldin, seriously, how do you know?
Eldin:
Alright, get out your terrible phone... Look on your screen, That’s a real-time depiction of your solar system.
Frank:
Oh, that’s cool.
Eldin:
I’m going to zoom in now on your inner asteroid belt.... Do you see those three dots? That’s an anti-collision system. If an object is detected heading toward Earth, the system is activated. Rockets are deployed that attach themselves to the object in question and alter its course.
Frank:
How did it get there?
Eldin:
It was set up by the Ted Empire. They have a vested interest in the survival of your planet. As you can see, the system has not been activated.
Verge:
Frank, when you started worrying about a rock falling on you from space, did you think to maybe ask the person who comes from there?
Frank:
... Uh. Well... I suppose we haven’t worked “consulting our alien friend” into our workflow yet, have we?
Verge:
You have not. You have not done that.
Frank:
So you’re telling me there’s no comet heading for Earth?
Eldin:
There’s definitely a celestial body heading in the direction of Earth. I’ll put it on your map... see, there it is. Earth appears to be wrong about the trajectory.
Frank:
Why does everyone on Earth think it’s going to hit us?
Eldin:
Projecting the path of a celestial body is not quite in your skillset on Earth. I’ll give you an example. NOW on your map is an asteroid you refer to as Bennu. An Earth scientist will tell you that in your year 2175, Bennu has a 1 in 2700 chance of hitting Earth. But what I can tell you with the technology available to me is that Bennu will not hit the Earth in 2175.
Verge:
The technology is about 19 generations ahead of your own, Frank. I think you can take our word for it.
Frank:
... Fuck. We just had a whole meeting.
Verge:
I’m so sorry.
Frank:
Deidre made muffins.
Verge:
We apologize for telling you you’re not going to die.
Frank:
Now what do we do?
Verge:
I guess you need to tell people.
Frank:
Goddamn it.
Eldin:
They may be a bit hard to convince. Apologies in advance.
Verge:
You can do it.
Frank:
“Hey, by the way, our space friend says we’re idiots when it comes to space.”
Verge:
When it comes to a few things.
Eldin:
Do you have to tell them?
Frank:
What?
Eldin:
So they go around thinking the sky is going to fall for a while, big deal.
Frank:
That’s a terrible idea.
Eldin:
It may be the moment of self reflection that they need.
Frank:
How would you feel?
Verge:
I’d be pissed.
Frank:
Look, we’ve got to tell people at least. Believing us can come later.
Verge:
Sounds like fun.
Frank:
Jesus, who do I tell first?
Verge:
Please feel free and work this out in my doorway.
Frank:
Eldin, are you absolutely sure about this?
Eldin:
I’m incapable of lying, Frank.
Frank:
Is that true?
Eldin:
No, of course not, but I am telling the truth.
Verge:
Rejoice, Frank. You’re not going to be killed in a fiery maelstrom.
Frank:
At this particular moment, I’m a little disappointed. I have to go.
Eldin:
Godspeed.
Frank shuts the door.
Eldin:
Well, I feel like we’ve done our good deed for the day, how about you?
Verge:
...
Eldin:
Verge?
Verge:
...
Eldin:
What’s going on with your circulatory system right now?
Verge:
Why are the Teds sending an encoded message to Moon City?
Eldin:
Are you still thinking about that?
Verge:
Yes.
Eldin:
They send encoded messages all the time. Everyone does.
Verge:
Not to Moon City. It’s the sleepiest place in the Triad.
Eldin:
That’s true, but I still don’t think it’s anything to get worked up about.
Verge:
I’m not getting worked up.
Eldin:
Yes, you are.
Verge:
... You can’t decode the message from here?
Eldin:
I could, but we’d be detected. I’d have to be close enough to decode it directly.
Verge:
...
Eldin:
... Verge.
Verge:
What?
Eldin:
We’re not going to the moon.
Verge:
Just a quick trip.
Eldin:
No.
Verge:
Like we weren’t even gone.
Eldin:
No.
Verge:
It’ll be fine.
Eldin:
Verge, it is a miracle that our run-in with the science priests hasn’t attracted more attention. Why would you want to push your luck?
Verge:
Eldin, if the Teds are sniffing around, we should know about it, don’t you think? Get ahead of the problem.
Eldin:
... I suppose there’s some wisdom to that.
Verge:
We can do the moon and back in a few hours. Nobody’ll know.
Eldin:
Where’s this coming from?
Verge:
... Earth is convinced that it’s going to be destroyed by a comet when they’re not. Then the Teds, who are notorious for fucking with Earth, start sending an encoded massage to their nearest satellite?
Eldin:
Hm... I’ll start a flight plan.
Verge:
There we go.
Eldin:
Would you like to tell someone before we leave?
Verge:
No, they won’t even know we’re gone. Let’s go.
Verge opens the door. Deidre is there.
Deidre:
Hey.
Verge:
... Hey.
Deidre:
...
Verge:
...
Deidre:
... The world is ending. We had a meeting about it. It was a weird meeting... And it was like my feet started walking without me and they took me here... And now I’m standing here... because the world is ending... And if the world is ending, then I want-
Verge:
Deidre, I get the sense that something really amazing is about to happen but I have to tell you... the world isn’t ending.
Deidre:
... What?
Verge:
It’s not.
Deidre:
But we just had a whole meeting about it.
Verge:
Eldin?
Eldin:
Yes. Hey. Hi, Deidre. Earth doesn’t have all the information. There’s a comet headed in this direction but it’s not passing close enough to Earth to cause any destruction.
Deidre:
... You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Eldin:
No. Sorry. You’ll get a really wonderful view of it from the southern hemisphere but I’m afraid the Wayfaring Stranger is going to sail right past you.
Deidre:
... Oh my God.
Verge:
Anyway, I interrupted you. You were saying?
Deidre:
... I’m going to go get into my car, drive to the Columbia river, and walk in. Excuse me.
Verge:
Deidre.
Deidre:
I have to go tell everyone.
Verge:
I already told Frank, I’m sure he’ll let everyone know.
Deidre:
... I can’t take this shit anymore.
Verge:
... Hey... Want to see a spaceship?
Deidre:
... What?
We hear the sound of ship engines warming up. Deidre and verge make their way into a clearing in the forest.
Deidre:
What’s that sound?
Verge:
That’s her.
Deidre:
Where is it, I can only hear it.
Verge:
Eldin, let’s de-cloak.
Eldin:
De-cloaking.
Verge’s ship shimmers into being.
Deidre:
... Oh my God.
Verge:
There she is.
Deidre:
... Oh my God.
Verge:
It’s not really built to go interstellar but I had a friend make some changes. I have to travel light but it’s not a bad way to travel.
Deidre:
...
Verge:
Are you okay?
Deidre:
... I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
Verge:
Eldin, how do we look?
Eldin:
All systems nominal.
Deidre:
It’s so shiny.
Verge:
It used to be a racing ship. The hull is supposed to give you an extra boost of speed when you come out of a gravity assist but I think that’s just space racer bullshit. I think they just like the look... What do you think?
Deidre:
... It’s beautiful.
Verge:
Yeah.
Deidre:
... What’s it called?
Verge:
Phoenix.
Deidre:
... Can I touch it?
Verge:
Sure.
Deidre:
... It feels so weird.
Verge:
The intertia-sink is warming up. It makes everything vibrate.
Deidre:
... Are you going somewhere?
Verge:
I am, but I’ll be back in a few hours.
Deidre:
Where are you going?
Verge:
The moon.
Deidre:
The moon.
Verge:
Yes.
Deidre:
You’re just going to go to the moon?
Verge:
Yeah.
Deidre:
Why?
Verge:
Something I need to check.
Deidre:
... You’re just going to the moon to check something.
Verge:
Yes.
Deidre:
Do you have a storage space there or something?
Verge:
No... though now that you mention it.
Eldin:
Not a bad idea actually, nobody ever checks there.
Verge:
I’m going to hover about three feet off the surface of the moon and I’m just going to have a listen to some transmissions. Should be simple.
Deidre:
...
Verge:
Want to come?
Deidre:
... What?
Verge:
Do you want to come with me?
Deidre:
... What?
Verge:
Deidre?
Deidre:
I can’t just... I can’t just go to the moon.
Verge:
It’s a two seater.
Deidre:
Verge.
Verge:
What?
Deidre:
No.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
I can’t go to the moon.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
I’m not an astronaut.
Verge:
Neither am I.
Deidre:
I can’t go to the moon.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
... What? I just climb in, and go to the moon?
Verge:
Yes.
Deidre:
... It can’t be that easy.
Verge:
Why not?
Deidre:
Because...
Eldin:
It’s a perfectly safe spacecraft, Deidre.
Deidre:
And you just go to the moon whenever?
Eldin:
I feel like the core concept is not being communicated.
Verge:
Deidre. Right now you have a choice. You can be someone who’s been to the moon, or someone who hasn’t been to the moon. Which would you like to be?
Eldin:
... Weather’s lovely this time of year.
We move to outside Eva Grimm’s house.
Doug:
That’s one, two, three, four, five signs saying “no trespassing.”
June:
It’s as if she’s trying to tell us something.
Doug:
Steve feels comfortable just walking up to the front door?
June:
Eva Grimm appears to be a member of Steve’s clientele.
Doug:
Oh.
June:
Painkillers.
Doug:
Ah.
June:
But you didn’t hear it from me.
Doug:
Okay... if she’s a survivalist who believes that society is on the brink of collapse, how did she plan on maintaining her painkiller habit after it collapses?
June:
I don’t know, Doug, but you should definitely ask her.
Steve approaches.
Steve:
Hey, y’all. She’s gone.
June:
Gone?
Steve:
Yeah.
June:
Maybe she’s asleep, or down in her bunker or something.
Steve:
She left a note.
June:
What’s it say?
Steve:
“Whoever you are, this is yours now. I suddenly don’t know why I did all this. I’m prepared to survive just about anything in here. But I’ve got a daughter in Coeur d'Alene who I haven’t spoken to in ten years... I don’t think I can survive that.
Doug:
Wow.
Steve:
Looks like she heard all the comet rumors.
June:
She just left us her survival compound?
Steve:
I guess so.
June:
Alright, let’s take a look. Hang on. We’re sure the landmines were just a rumor?
Steve:
Oh yeah. Just look out for bear traps.
June:
Great.
They walk inside eva’s house.
Doug:
Whoa.
Steve:
Yeah, it’s pretty intense, right?
June:
I’ve never seen this many guns in one place.
Doug:
Or sacks of beans.
June:
Or protein powder.
Doug:
Or Gummi Bears?
Steve:
She got real weird with it, that’s for sure. But I guess this is all ours now.
June:
I guess so... guys?
Doug:
What?
June:
Just looking around here... Old Eva Grimm was obviously preparing for the worst. Can we make a pact that if society comes crumbling to the ground that we’ll... y’know, keep it mellow?
Steve:
What do you mean?
June:
I don’t know. I just don’t think I can do the post-apocalypse thing. I don’t want to have to wear an eyepatch and football gear and carry a sawed-off shotgun.
Steve:
Could I have an eyepatch?
June:
Sure, Steve.
Doug:
I know what you mean. Looking at this place... I could’ve been like this. I could’ve been one of those guys that fills his house with supplies. Blacks out the windows, waits for the end... I don’t want to be that guy.
June:
If I’m being honest, Doug. I totally thought you were headed in that direction. I thought it was two years tops until you were barricaded in your house.
Steve:
Me too, man. All that talk about snow plows. It wasn’t healthy.
June:
Not to sound like Steve, but that Ayahuasca trip really turned it around for you.
Doug:
Thanks guys. But as long as we’re making rules for the coming post-apocalypse... no fucking snow plows.
June:
Never.
Steve:
Hey, I was just thinking. Who was it said “the meek will inherit the Earth?”
June:
The Bible, I guess.
Steve:
Huh... Turns out, it’s us.
We hear the hum of verge’s ship. We are in orbit.
Verge:
These fucking satellites.
Eldin:
Yes, it’s quite a mess up here.
Verge:
What’s the plan?
Eldin:
I say, on the far side of the planet we hit a shallow orbit, burn hard, then the gravity assist should be enough. We probably won’t have to use the drive too much, should keep us fairly invisible.
Verge:
Sounds good... Deidre, how are you doing?
Deidre:
...
Verge:
... Shit, did she pass out?
Eldin:
She’s fine.
Verge:
... Deidre?
Deidre:
We just passed over every place I’ve ever been in my life... in twenty seconds.
Verge:
We’re going about seventeen thousand miles per hour right now.
Deidre:
... I don’t feel a thing.
Verge:
I know...
Deidre:
... Everything that’s ever happened in every history book... has happened right down there... it looks so small now... it’s beautiful.
Verge:
... There’s a lot of beautiful planets out there, but this one... this one’s not so bad. It grows on you.
Deidre:
... Thank you for this, Verge.
Verge:
It’s my pleasure.
Eldin:
Burning in five seconds.
Verge:
You ready to go to the moon?
Deidre:
... Let’s go to the fucking moon.
Eldin:
Here comes the juice.
The thrusters fire as we move to the sheep’s eye. Frank is on the phone pouring a beer from the tap.
Frank:
You still there?
Celeste:
(On the phone.) Oh, I’m still here.
Frank:
Okay, take your time.
Celeste:
... An extra-terrestrial?
Frank:
That’s correct.
Celeste:
...
Frank:
I know.
Celeste:
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Frank:
Oh, I know.
Celeste:
Your friend, the extra-terrestrial, has told you that the comet isn’t coming?
Frank:
Celeste, if it’s any help I don’t love the words coming out of my mouth either. I feel like I’m in a fucking Micheal Bay movie. The problem is, there’s no non-stupid way of saying this. There’s been an alien in town for a few weeks now and... they have told me that the comet is not coming.
Celeste:
Lots of people out there think that aliens are talking to them, Frank.
Frank:
I am aware of these people.
Celeste:
These are not well people, Frank.
Frank:
I’m aware of that too.
Celeste:
So I’m just supposed to take your word for it?
Frank:
I’d love it if you did. Of course you could also ask yourself “How was Frank, a man who doesn’t own a computer, able to hack into my top secret military base? And who was the mysterious friend of Frank’s, who somehow subdued all my guards the other night?” You could spend some time on that.
Celeste:
... Okay, Frank, benefit of the doubt.
Frank:
Great.
Celeste:
What am I supposed to do with this information?
Frank:
Well, it’s not like you can do anything about it. I’m betting central command will show up with a butterfly net if you tell them, so I guess we just wait for the comet to pass us by and then they’ll eventually catch on.
Celeste:
... I’m deeply skeptical.
Frank:
And I respect that. I just figured, y’know, spirit of transparency and all that.
Celeste:
What are you telling people in town?
Frank:
Honestly, I’m not sure how much of a town we’ve got left. I’m thinking we’re down to a quarter of our population at this point. The Sheep’s Eye is basically self-serve now. I’ll wait for everyone to come back here and then I’ll tell them.
Celeste:
No offense, Frank, but I’m going to operate as if this is all still happening.
Frank:
You do you, Sarge.
Celeste:
Okay, well, this has been illuminating.
Frank:
Hasn’t it?
Celeste:
Goodbye, Frank- Oh, while I’ve got you, can you tell me why Trinkett needed a gas mask?
Frank:
A gas mask?
We move to the moon. The Phoenix descends to just above the surface.
Deidre:
Oh my god...
Eldin:
Welcome to the moon.
Deidre:
I can’t believe this is happening.
Verge:
Are we close enough?
Eldin:
This will do. I’ve got the signal. Decoding now.
Deidre:
... It looks a lot... it looks a lot like Earth, is that weird?
Verge:
It used to be a part of Earth. A long time ago there was a collision that ripped them both apart. The moon was just a ring of dust for a while and then it became this.
Deidre:
I can’t believe I’m here.
Verge:
... This is strange for me.
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
I don’t know. I’ve spent half my life in a ship like this, traveling between one planet or another. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s strange to hear someone experience it for the first time.
Deidre:
I can’t imagine ever getting used to this... I’ve looked up at this moon my whole life and... I’m here.
Verge:
Looks better from afar, I imagine.
Deidre:
No, no, it’s beautiful... What was your moon like?
Verge:
Mine?
Deidre:
From your planet?
Verge:
...
Eldin:
They had nine of them.
Deidre:
Nine?
Eldin:
The Nine Eyes of Rakesh Guha, they called them. Rakesh Guha is the ancient god of the Vapians. As the story goes, Vapains were once two races of people, but one day when the eyes of Rakesh Guha aligned, they were merged into one people. Explaining the four appendages.
Deidre:
... Do you not like talking about your planet?
Verge:
No, not really.
Deidre:
I understand... I think you should, though. You should tell me about it... I want you to tell me everything.
Verge:
... Okay.
Eldin:
I’ve got it. There were three different levels of encryption and...
Verge:
What?
Eldin:
... I’ll put the data on your screen.
The encrypted message appears on Verge’s heads-up display.
Verge:
... Holy shit.
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
... Those motherfuckers.
Deidre:
Verge.
Verge:
Eldin, hard burn for Earth right now.
Eldin:
They’ll see us.
Verge:
Doesn’t matter anymore.
The thrusters fire and the PHOENIX takes off.
Deidre:
Verge, what’s happening?
Verge:
Deidre, we’re going to be going very fast, but then the inertial dampeners will kick in and it’s going to feel pretty strange okay?
Deidre:
Verge, tell me what’s happening?
Verge:
You really want me to tell you everything?
Deidre:
Yes.
Verge:
Okay. Let me start at the beginning. Hundreds of your years ago, a bunch of planets started getting a message of peace from a distant planet. In that message were instructions on how to build a warp gate to connect their two worlds. The message was from a planet called Ted. Building that gate was the worst decision any of those planets ever made...
As the phoenix burns through space we move to outside cameron’s house. Trinkett puts on the gas mask.
Trinkett:
As the Earth holds me. As the Sky sees me. As the Sun rises within me. I step out to greet the Day.
Trinkett walks into cameron’s house. As before, it is teeming with mushroom life.
Trinkett:
When I first decided this was the path I wanted to take in life, I knew I was going to need a teacher. I met a man named Chris Janda, but he insisted I call him Sitting Squirrel. He was a pretty weird guy. I asked him once, what happened to all of us? How did all the other religions of the world explode, but all the practitioners faded into the background? How did one of the oldest traditions in the world get sent to the shadows so quickly?... He told me a story from Greek Mythology. Apollo was in love with a wood nymph named Daphne, but she wanted nothing to do with him. She had sworn a life of celibacy to the god Artemis. Apollo didn’t care, of course, and it all wound up with him chasing Daphne through the forest like a madman. Daphne knew she couldn’t outrun him— she had to do something. So she stood at the edge of a river and asked her father, a river god, to save her... The only way to save her was through transformation. Her skin became bark, her hair turned to leaves, and her feet took root in the ground. She was transformed into a laurel tree. It was the only way to survive what was coming... Is that what you did, Cameron? You saw something coming that you couldn’t survive, so you transformed into this?... If so, thank you. I’m told the mushrooms here can heal people. If that’s true, then we may need them soon. So I am standing here with my basket in one hand and my mushroom knife in the other, and I’m going to try and figure out what you’ve made for us... If this is all a gift, I’ll be sure not to waste it. I promise.
We move to the sheep’s eye. Frank is reading the paper.
Frank:
(Singing.) In the big rock candy mountain, you never change your socks-
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Frank, are you there?
Frank:
Eldin, could you at least have the common decency to make the phone ring before you start talking through it.
Eldin:
Oh, for God’s sake.
Frank’s phone vibrates.
Eldin:
Happy?
Frank:
What is it, Eldin?
Eldin:
I have Verge for you.
Verge:
(In Frank’s phone.) Frank, I don’t have a lot of time, so just listen. I was wrong. The comet is headed for Earth. It’s not going to be a direct hit but it’s going to be pretty bad. In a nutshell, the Ted Empire, AKA the bad guys, are trying to prevent a rebellion so they need a big distraction. All eyes are always on Earth television— so, when a comet started heading for Earth, they deactivated the defense system they have around the planet, and made it look like the comet was going to miss. Now the entire system is going to watch while Earth gets raked over the coals, and the Teds can quietly quell the rebellion while nobody’s looking. We don’t have a lot of time, so, the town meeting you were going to have— keep it on the books. Deidre and I will be there soon and I’ll explain everything. Sorry about this, pal. My bad. See you soon.
Verge hangs up. After a moment, frank folds up his newspaper, walks behind the bar and pours a whiskey. He picks up his phone and dials.
Frank:
... Hey, Celeste. So, funny story...
Verge’s ship has landed in the forest and is powering down. The cockpit slides open.
Verge:
Every time I think these guys couldn’t be any more fucked up, they go and lower the bar about five fucking rungs. Amazing. Sorry I had to ruin your first time in space.
Deidre:
So, it’s all really happening?
Verge:
Yes, Deidre. I’m sorry. I don’t want to believe it myself, but it’s really happening.
Deidre:
Okay.
Verge:
We need to get to the Sheep’s Eye, I’m about to do something really ill advised-
Deidre:
Stay in your seat.
Verge:
What?
Deidre:
Stay in your seat.
Verge:
Why?
Deidre:
Because I’m about to sit on top of you.
Deidre unhooks her safety harness and climbs over Verge’s seat. She straddles verge in the cockpit.
Deidre:
Hi.
Verge:
Hi. Deidre, the world’s ending.
Deidre:
Exactly.
Deidre slides the cockpit shut. We move to inside the sheep’s eye. A crowd of what’s left of the townspeople are all gathered.
Frank:
Hey, everyone. Thanks for being here, I know it’s a little scary to leave the house these days. We’re going to get started in just a minute— I’ve been told to wait.
June:
(From the crowd.) Boo. Boo this man.
Verge and deidre walk in the door.
Deidre:
What are you going to do?
Verge:
Can you hold my jacket for me?
Deidre:
Sure. Verge?
Verge:
I’ll be right back.
Frank:
Okay, Verge is here. You’ve probably seen Verge around town. They’d like to say a few things.
Verge:
Hi.
Frank:
Hey, what are you going to do?
Verge:
You may want to stand back.
Verge presses a button and deactivates their earthsuit. SLowly verge’s disguise unravels in front of the crowd. There are GASPS and audible shock.
Verge:
... Attention, people of Earth... You have one month.
June:
... If anyone forgot their glasses... that’s one, two, three, four arms... Okay?... Sorry, Verge, go ahead.
The end