We're currently in beta! If you find any mistakes in the scripts, please copy the link and send it to
issues@podscripts.app so we can fix it.
Welcome to the Horizon
Part 11: Big Day.
The final morning in hood’s pocket.
Verge and deidre are in bed. Deidre is still asleep.
Verge:
Anything yet?
Eldin:
There’s chatter that it’s about to break, but I’ve heard that before.
Verge:
What’s the holdup?
Eldin:
The Teds are actively trying to stop the story from breaking. They’ve been successful so far, I’ll let you know when I hear something.
Verge:
Why doesn’t the universe want to give me nice things, Eldin?
Eldin:
Verge, would you like to have a conversation about your neuro-chemical environment in the past month?
Verge:
Point taken.
Deidre:
(Waking up.) What are you two talking about?
Verge:
My neuro-chemistry.
Deidre:
This is what you two talk about in the morning?
Verge:
I’m also waiting for some news.
Deidre:
What kind of news?
Verge:
I don’t know yet, I’m still waiting.
Deidre:
...
Verge:
...
Deidre:
Big day.
Verge:
Big day.
Deidre:
... I should get up, I need to get to the Sheep’s Eye for the big meeting.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
... But I don’t want to.
Verge:
I don’t want you to.
Deidre:
... You think Frank’s made coffee?
Verge:
I don’t know. How about I go check?
Deidre:
Okay. Can you simultaneously go get me some coffee and stay in bed with me?
Verge:
I’m afraid not.
Deidre:
That’s unfortunate... None of this feels real yet.
Verge:
I know.
Deidre:
I wish we knew more. Eldin, do you know anything more?
Eldin:
I’m afraid not, Deidre. The Teds have a tight control over the data, and the Teds can’t be trusted, which means I only have data from your planet to rely on, and that data is a bit byzantine. We know the impact is tonight. We have no way of knowing where yet.
Verge:
Make me a deal?
Deidre:
Okay.
Verge:
Let’s not think about it until after you’ve had a cup of coffee.
Deidre:
That’s a good deal. I’ll take it...
Verge:
... What?
Deidre:
Your face in the morning...
Verge:
What about it?
Deidre:
... Nothing. Go get me coffee.
Verge:
Here I go.
Verge walks out into the parking lot and down to the office. They open the door and frank is listening to the news.
Radio Reporter:
Good morning, this is Chris Janda reporting live from the Global Crisis Center in Geneva. In what scientists are calling an unprecedented astronomical event, humanity stands united yet uncertain as we count down the final hours before impact. The Wayfaring Stranger – a name that has become synonymous with both dread and determination – continues its inexorable journey toward Earth. World leaders have gathered in emergency sessions, while citizens from Tokyo to Toronto hunker down in designated shelters. The question on everyone's minds isn't if our world will change, but how profoundly. With just hours remaining before the first fragment enters our atmosphere, this reporter can only marvel at the extraordinary sight of nations setting aside their differences to face what may be humanity's greatest challenge.
Verge:
... Frank?
Radio Reporter:
Stay tuned to this station for continuous coverage of this historic event.
Frank:
Yeah?
Verge:
What are you doing?
Frank:
Thinking.
Verge:
Uh huh... Frank, I could swear you’re looking at three huge bars of gold right now.
Frank:
Yeah.
Verge:
... Why?
Frank:
Doug won’t shut up about financial systems collapsing and if they do, these three bad boys could be very useful.
Verge:
I see.
Frank:
Not sure how I make that work for us, though. It’s not like I can take one of these into Fred Meyer and ask for change.
Verge:
Where the hell did they come from?
Frank:
Clementine.
Verge:
Ah.
Eldin:
She gave you three bars of gold?
Frank:
She made them out of thin air.
Eldin:
Oh my.
Frank:
I don’t think she’s coming back for them so I’m calling them an asset.
Verge:
They’re very pretty.
Frank:
But what do I do with them?
Eldin:
Gold is fairly easy to manipulate, Frank. Do you know anyone with metallurgy skills?
Frank:
Actually. Yes I do... That’s funny.
Verge:
What?
Frank:
One of the first things June said was to melt it all down and make it into something. I told her she was crazy... What if June has been right about everything this whole time?
Eldin:
That’s a disturbing thought, Frank.
Frank:
She knew about the military base... Would my life be easier if I just listen to June all the time?
Verge:
That’s impossible.
Frank:
It is, right?
Eldin:
Frank, if I may, discerning how to melt down three bars of gold seems more like a tomorrow problem than a today problem.
Frank:
Yeah. I hear you. I think I’m trying to distract myself.
Verge:
I know how you feel, I’m in here on a coffee run for Deidre.
Frank:
No, I think we can call that a today problem. I just made some over there.
Verge:
Thanks.
Frank:
There is, of course, a coffee machine in every room.
Verge:
I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Frank:
Eldin, do we know anything else?
Eldin:
Not yet.
Frank:
When are we going to?
Eldin:
All I have to rely on is the data from Earth, but as soon as the Wayfaring Stranger is within range of the native sensors on the Phoenix, I’ll be able to give you much more detailed information. When that happens, I’ll let you know.
Frank:
Okay.
Eldin:
I want to stress again that the chances of a direct strike here in town are very small. The real concern will be the global ramifications of a strike happening elsewhere.
Frank:
I know. Is June still out in the woods?
Eldin:
She is.
Frank:
Is she coming back for the meeting?
Eldin:
I’ll check with her.
Verge:
Don’t bother her, Frank. It’s the end of the world, she’s trying to have some fun. We all are.
Frank:
Yeah, I know.
Verge:
What about you? The world’s going to hell and you’re still sitting here in the office.
Frank:
Verge I’ve got a fresh pot of coffee and three bars of gold, what more could a man need?
Verge:
That’s a fair point, Frank. (As the door closes.) But you’re not a man.
Verge walks toward their room.
Eldin:
It’s happening, the news is breaking.
Verge:
Oh shit.
Verge rushes back into their room.
Verge:
Here we go, here we go.
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
The news I was waiting for.
Deidre:
What is it.
Verge:
Eldin, where is it breaking?
Eldin:
Coalition portal, but it should make it’s way out to the rest of the Triad.
Verge:
Who broke the story?
Eldin:
Who do you think?
Alien News Anchor:
(On the Tangle.) ... There is now outrage across the coalition planets as the news was broken regarding The Ted Empire’s manipulation of data on a celestial body now threatening Earth. The news was initially broken by controversial Sigian journalist Bertiluna Restiana broadcasting on The Undersignal...
Bertbert:
(On the Tangle.) You know, every once and a while you get to report on a story that you don’t have to put any spin on, you don’t need to spice it up with some fun language, you don’t have to dumb it down so that everybody gets it.
Verge:
There’s our girl.
Deidre:
Who’s that?
Bertbert:
I get to just stand here and say what happened, and that’s enough. Weird, right?
Deidre:
She’s blue.
Bertbert:
So, here we go... The Ted Empire has allowed Earth to get raked across the coals by a passing comet in an effort to distract from non-stop rebellions and protests across The Triad. They’ve deactivated the impact security perimeter around the planet and falsified reports saying that the comet currently approaching the planet is harmless. We are about to watch Earth, a planet beloved by the entire Triad, go through hell due to a completely preventable celestial event. It is disgusting and it is emblematic of this empire’s insidious ruthlessness. They will attempt to deny this, but I have the data from an anonymous source, and it is embedded in the broadcast. See for yourself.
Verge:
That’s us, we’re the anonymous source.
Bertbert:
Now, some of you will say, “Hey BertBert, if this is so important, why aren’t you going through official channels? Why are you broadcasting on The Undersignal?” Well, I’ll tell you why. I am currently broadcasting on The Undersignal for one reason and one reason alone— so that I can say the following... Get fucked, Ted Empire.
Verge:
Hoo baby.
Bertbert:
This is BertBert broadcasting on The Undersignal. Welcome to the fucking Triad.
Verge:
Holy shit, Berts!
Deidre:
Who was that?
Verge:
That is the biggest thorn in the side of the Ted Empire, and one of the few people I’ve ever called my friend.
Deidre:
So- I’m sorry, I’m still trying to wrap my head around this- what just happened?
Verge:
It’s a small victory but I’ll take it. The ones to blame for Earth’s impending doom are called the Teds.
Deidre:
Right. “Teds bad.” I remember that.
Verge:
And we just broke the story that all of this is their fault. Now we wait to see how much trouble this makes for them.
Deidre:
Okay. And that’s good?
Verge:
It’s great!
Deidre:
I’m sorry, when you talk about all the space stuff, I still have no idea what we’re talking about.
Verge:
I know. Sorry about that.
Eldin:
Allow me, Deidre. Railroad monopolists of the 19th century.
Deidre:
Okay, I’m listening.
Eldin:
They were a small group of men who controlled all of the transportation in your country. And they used this power to extract inordinate amounts of capital from the general populace.
Deidre:
Right.
Eldin:
That’s the Ted Empire. They control all high-speed transit in three galaxies and use that power to put the screws to literally everyone.
Deidre:
Oh. Well, that sucks. Okay, I get that. And then, who was just talking?
Eldin:
That’s BertBert. She’s from a planet called Sigius. The closest equivalent to Sigius would be... did you have a class president in high school?
Deidre:
Oh yeah. Giovanni Salinas, he was a huge nerd.
Eldin:
Yes. Imagine an entire planet of class presidents.
Deidre:
Okay, sure. I’m getting it now.
Verge:
Who would I be in high school?
Eldin:
I don’t know if we can carry the metaphor out that far-
Deidre:
Oh no, I know who you’d be.
Verge:
Who?
Deidre:
You’d be the one who smokes out behind the gym and listens to music I’ve never heard of... and you think about them a lot, but... you’re too much of a chicken to talk to them.
Verge:
But here you are.
Deidre:
Here I am.
Verge:
...
Deidre:
...
Eldin:
Deidre, I hate to break this up, but you asked me to remind you about the meeting at The Sheep’s Eye.
Deidre:
Yes... Big Day.
Eldin:
Big Day.
Deidre:
... So, that blue person is a friend of yours?
Verge:
She is.
Deidre:
...do you think maybe you could stay with her?
Verge:
... What are you talking about?
Deidre:
Big Day, Verge... This planet’s not going to be a great place to live after today, I think if you need to go-
Verge:
I thought we were done talking about this-
Deidre:
-I don’t like worrying about you and if you have a friend out there-
Verge:
Why are you trying to get rid of me?
Deidre throws a pillow at verge.
Verge:
... Don’t throw a fucking pillow at me.
Deidre:
Don’t you suggest for one second that me wanting you to be safe has anything to do with me not wanting to be with you!
Verge:
...
Deidre:
... This has been the greatest month of my life.
Verge:
Me, too.
Deidre:
What would you do? To keep me safe?
Verge:
Anything.
Deidre:
Me too, dummy. That’s all I’m doing.
Verge:
Then I’ll say what I said to you last time. My ship seats two...
Deidre:
... I can’t leave, Verge... I can’t be the person who leaves.
Verge:
... Then I can’t either.
Eldin:
Let me step in here. We still don’t know the level of destruction we’re going to experience. I should have much more information in a few hours. Let’s make decisions based on things we know and not on things that could happen.
Deidre:
... Okay.
The phone rings.
Deidre:
Who the hell calls you on the room phone?
Verge:
Only one person.
Verge picks up the phone.
Verge:
Hello, Trinkett.
We hear the call of the mungo as we move to tavrok’s cabin in the woods. Lucian is lumbering past the cabin. june sits drinking coffee.
June:
Good morning, Lucian, you magnificent bastard, look at you... What’s on your agenda today, Lucian?
Lucian begins eating pinecones.
June:
Eating some pinecones? Sure. Sounds good... That’s seriously it? Just pine cones? That’s not rough on the stomach?... Lots of fiber, I guess. You must be the most regular space dinosaur in the universe... Speaking of which, I haven’t seen you poop yet, Lucian, but it’s going to be amazing, I can already feel it. Like an art installation.
Tavrok emerges from his workshop.
Tavrok:
Good morn, my love.
June:
And speaking of magnificent bastards. Good morn to you, sir.
Tavrok:
How does the day greet you?
June:
The day greets me just fine. I must say, for a man that has no electricity, you make an excellent cup of coffee.
Tavrok:
I’m glad it pleases you.
June:
You’re usually banging on some metal in the morning, what have you got going on in there?
Tavrok:
Leather working.
June:
Are you making a wallet that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on it?
Tavrok:
I’m making a saddle.
June:
Oooh. Kinky. Okay, who wears the saddle, me or you?
Tavrok:
It is for Lucian.
June:
Even kinkier.
Tavrok:
I shall learn to ride him so that we may traverse the wilds together.
June:
I like it. I can’t wait to do my Debra Winger impression on it.
Eldin:
(In June’s phone.) Excuse me, June.
June:
Eldin, I’m having coffee.
Eldin:
Big Day, June.
June:
... Yeah, alright.
Eldin:
I need to speak with The Beastmaster.
June:
Oh yeah? Tavrok, Eldin needs to speak to you.
Tavrok:
...
June:
He doesn’t like you, Eldin.
Eldin:
Can’t you tell him I’m an enchanted mirror or something?
June:
That may work. Hey sweetie, just pretend it’s an enchanted evil thing, okay?
Tavrok:
... Speak.
Eldin:
Hello Tavrok. Frank needs your assistance in turning three bars of gold into more manageable portions, I trust you’d be able to handle something like that?
Tavrok:
Into baubles? Perhaps rings?
Eldin:
I was thinking a coin.
Tavrok:
Yes. A set of coins. A great treasure.
Eldin:
That’s the spirit. You’ll get to work on making the mold?
Tavrok:
I shall. Do not trouble me again.
Eldin:
It’s the last you’ll hear of it from me.
June:
What else, Eldin?
Eldin:
You should probably get a move on, June. Big Day, big meeting.
June:
Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there.
Tavrok:
A great meeting back at the village?
June:
Yeah, it’s just going to be a bunch of the friggin’ townsfolk freaking out about a bunch of shit they can’t control. Kind of a waste of time, if you ask me... Maybe I’ll skip it. What do you think? Want to spend the last day on Earth teaching me how to make a saddle?
Tavrok:
... June... since you’ve returned to me I have been filled with elation. But I have approached you as one would a mythic creature in the forest: slowly, so as not to frighten you away. But I feel now I must speak.
June:
Baby, the speaking is my least favorite part, though.
Tavrok:
You should go.
June:
I should?
Tavrok:
I want nothing more than for you to stay and sit with me as we watch the sky fall together. But I believe now is the time for you to be with your people.
June:
But can’t I just stay here and have you bring me things?
Tavrok:
I recall your ancestor. Aunt Hilda.
June:
Aunt Hilda, what about Aunt Hilda?
Tavrok:
She was a fine woman. I constructed for her, a loom. And in return she provided me with a meal of lamb shanks and mint jelly the color of emeralds.
June:
She did make a good lamb.
Tavrok:
You confided in me, in your most private moments, that you feared you would one day become like Hilda.
June:
I did?
Tavrok:
You said unto me, “I don’t want to end up the weird old lady up the mountain.”
June:
Wow, I did say that, didn’t I?
Tavrok:
And despite this fear, it is on the mountain that you remain. And though you remain here, you still do not see yourself as a denizen of the mountain. You wish to see yourself as apart from it. As though you fear that it will seal your fate to swear fealty to this place. But I believe that time has come, June.
June:
Tavi, the world is ending. What difference does it make if I go to a meeting or not?
Tavrok:
When we first parted, my world came to an end. I believe you will be struck to find that, after the eve of the apocalypse, the sun cometh in the morn.
June:
... Okay, fine... Thanks for letting me hide out in the woods for a while.
Tavrok:
Wherever I raise a roof, you shall always find a home ‘neath it. Your home is here. Your home is in my heart. And in your absence I shall burn for you in the night.
June:
Oh, Tavi. The things you say to me are so hot and so terrifying at the same time. And then I ask myself, “are they hot because they’re terrifying?” And then then answer comes back “yes,” and then I do a whole thing in my head... Okay, here I go!
We move to Tinkett’s shop. Verge walks in.
Verge:
Hello?
Trinkett:
(From the back.) Hello! One second.
Eldin:
I hate it here.
Verge:
Why?
Eldin:
It’s very analog.
Trinkett:
(Emerging from the back.) You’re just in time... I have been working on this for weeks now.
Trinkett sets a bottle down on the counter.
Trinkett:
What do you think?
Verge:
What’s in the bottle, Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Well, do you remember the mushroom you were telling me about?
Verge:
The Space Foot?
Trinkett:
Yes. I got a gas mask from Celeste and I went into Cameron’s house and I... I got to work. I dried out the mushrooms, turned them into a powder and I managed to turn the powder into what I think is a stable infusion.
Verge:
Trinkett. You literally made a magic potion.
Trinkett:
Well, I don’t know what I made. I don’t have a basis of comparison for this particular mushroom so...
Verge:
So...
Trinkett:
So I was wondering if I could ask the opinion of your little person.
Verge:
My little person.
Trinkett:
Yes, do you have him with you?
Eldin:
Greetings, Bavmorda.
Trinkett:
Hello, there.
Eldin:
How can I help?
Trinkett:
You can look at things right? Does he have eyes?
Eldin:
You’d like me to scan your mushroom juice.
Trinkett:
I would.
Eldin:
I’d be happy to. I do need to warn you, though. Transforming the Space Foot, an extraterrestrial fungus, into a usable medicinal substance is a very complicated process that’s never been achieved without superior technology.
Trinkett:
I understand. Have a look.
Eldin:
Very well.
Trinkett:
... So, Big Day.
Verge:
Big Day.
Trinkett:
I wanted you to know that I’ve been working really hard to get a sense of your aura.
Verge:
Thanks?
Trinkett:
It’s very complicated.
Verge:
Tell me about it.
Trinkett:
I think the problem at first was with your chakras. I was assuming you had the same energistic centers as a human, but you’re another being all together, so I had to really start from scratch.
Verge:
I don’t know what any of that means.
Trinkett:
Anyway, you’ve been giving off a lot of very positive energy these past few weeks. Are you and Deidre making love consistently?
Verge:
... uhh-
Trinkett:
None of my business. I’m just saying, whatever you’re doing, it’s working for you.
Verge:
Okay.
Eldin:
You know Trinkett, this is actually not bad at all.
Trinkett:
Really?
Eldin:
Yes. I have no idea how but in theory, this would be a usable agent.
Trinkett:
That’s fantastic.
Eldin:
It’s highly unusual that Space Foot could be processed like this.
Trinkett:
You think it might be helpful?
Eldin:
Well, I don’t want to go that far. If you don’t mind I’d like to set up several testing regimens but we don’t have the necessary equipment so we’ll have to improvise. If all goes according to plan, we could have a a very powerful medicine in about a year or so.
Trinkett:
A year?
Eldin:
Maybe two.
Trinkett:
Two years?
Eldin:
You don’t want to rush things like this, this is a very powerful compound.
Trinkett:
We might need this very soon, though.
Eldin:
I understand, but without all the proper testing infrastructure we’re going to need to take our time to do this responsibly.
Trinkett:
Yeah, but... Big Day.
Verge:
Trinkett.
Trinkett uncorks the bottle.
Eldin:
Trinkett Trinkett Trinkett!
Trinkett drinks the entire bottle.
Trinkett:
Oh... That is not a good taste at all... that tastes... that tastes how I think a cave would taste.
Verge:
...
Eldin:
...
Trinkett:
It’s going to be fine.
Verge:
... Eldin. What would be the recommended dosage for something like that?
Eldin:
... One drop in a glass of water.
Verge:
One drop? And she just drank?
Eldin:
Roughly four ounces.
Verge:
Okay...
Trinkett:
One drop?
Eldin:
Yes.
Trinkett:
Huh... What do we think that is going to do to me?
Eldin:
Welllllll, no one has ever ingested this much Space Foot in history so we’re in new territory here.
Trinkett:
Look, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. I’ve ingested some very strange things in my time, okay? Jimsonweed? That was a long forty-eight hours.
Eldin:
... Sure.
Trinkett:
Tell me more about this stuff, what did I just drink?
Eldin:
The questions, of course, should’ve come before the drinking.
Trinkett:
I realize that.
Eldin:
It has many healing properties.
Trinkett:
Great.
Verge:
Some cultures call it The Passenger.
Trinkett:
The Passenger? Why is that?
Eldin:
Welllllll-
Trinkett:
I feel like we’re tiptoe-ing around it. How about you just tell me.
Eldin:
Alright. It’s called The Passenger because it never leaves your system.
Trinkett:
...ever?
Eldin:
No, you see, Space Foot is an incredibly resilient fungus. So even though you have dried it out and powdered it and emulsified it, it is still considered a live... thing.
Trinkett:
So I have... living fungus inside my body right now?
Eldin:
That... that is correct.
Trinkett:
... Let’s jump to the end real quick, am I going to turn into a giant mushroom?
Verge:
No.
Eldin:
No.
Verge:
No.
Eldin:
... No?
Trinkett:
Good... I mean, the day was going to be weird anyway, right?
Eldin:
Sure.
Trinkett:
... What kind of side effects am I looking at?
Eldin:
Um... all of them?
We move back to the horizon. Frank emerges from the office heading for his truck. Deidre exits verge’s room and stops him.
Deidre:
Hey Frank?
Frank:
Yeah, what’s up?
Deidre:
I’ve got a text for you from my grandpa.
Frank:
Why is TJ sending a message for me to your phone?
Deidre:
I don’t know why he does most things.
Frank:
Fine. What is it?
Deidre:
“You should tell Frank, if things get bad, have everyone shelter in the Sheep’s Eye.”
Frank:
The Sheep’s Eye looks like it could get knocked over by a high wind, why would we take shelter there?
Deidre:
I don’t know.
Frank:
Ask him.
Deidre:
Right. Okay. (typing.) Why... would... we... do... that?... He’s a slow texter.
Frank:
Sure.
Deidre:
He still has a flip phone.
Frank:
Isn’t he a millionaire?
Deidre:
Oh no, I think we’re talking about the “B word” with him.
Frank:
Seriously?
Deidre:
He has a plane.
Frank:
A WWI bi-plane, I’m assuming.
Deidre:
No, it’s really fancy. He took us to Puerto Rico on it once.
Frank:
I can’t imagine your grandfather in Puerto Rico.
Deidre:
He was there on a business trip. Something about a telescope?
Frank:
Whatever.
Deidre:
Okay, he says... “It’s got really great bones.”
Frank:
... Your grandfather’s a fucking maniac, Deidre.
Deidre:
I know.
Frank:
You coming?
Deidre:
I’m right behind you.
We move to the sheep’s eye for the big meeting. The bar is filled with people.
Frank:
Okay, everybody, let’s settle down. We can get this part over with and you can all get back to freaking out.
The crowd quiets down.
Frank:
Thank you. Okay, everyone. Big Day. Thank you for taking the time out to be here, I know all of us are really nervous, but let’s count our blessings. The news about the comet broke about two weeks ago for the whole world— but it broke for Hood’s Pocket about a month ago, so we got a head start on everything. Doug, you’ve been amazing getting everything organized, can you give us an update?
Doug:
Hey, everyone. We’ve been working like crazy to get the old church converted over to storage and I have been stocking it like crazy for a month now. We’ve got dry goods, canned goods, and medical supplies that should last us for quite a while. Now, the question that’s been hanging over all of us has been a very tricky one. If we’re talking about a worst case scenario, who gets what? This is a small town and it always has been. I’ve been here my whole life and for whatever reason this town just does not want to get any bigger or any smaller— but that doesn’t mean we’re all in the same situation. We’ve got people who have retired here up on Pine Ridge, all the way down to the colorful folks on trailer park lane. Lots of people took all sorts of winding paths to end up here. Everybody’s valid here, not because they made a bunch of money or because they work real hard, you’re valid because you exist. That’s all. Which is why we’ve decided that none of the goods that we’ve been stockpiling in the church are going to be available for purchase.
There’s some unrest in the crowd.
Frank:
Okay, everybody calm the fuck down... It’s called the... what is it called, Doug?
Doug:
The tragedy of the commons. People get scared and they act out of self-interest and end up depleting public resources. We’ve got a big stack of empty milk crates outside. Everybody in town gets a crate and you can fill it up once a week with whatever you need from the old church. And look, this isn’t a new idea. Lots of us here do some hunting and some fishing every year, and every season we get our tags from the state that tell us how much we can take home. There’s a reason for that, it’s not a conspiracy. If we want to maintain our resources, we have to do it in a way that is, I’ll be honest, a little frustrating... you don’t find yourself living in a small town on the side of a mountain because you particularly like being told what to do. But the fact of the matter is, we’re all in this together.
Frank:
And look, if you’re irked by this, I get it. I really do. Some of you may have remarked that I’m not the most agreeable person on the planet.
Some laughter in the crowd.
Frank:
Yes. Shocking, I know. But, believe it or not, over the course of this year I’ve come to find that one’s desire for solitude will always be overcome by... by the idea that no worthwhile endeavor was ever created in solitude. It’s always been us. Making something together. So, with that said-
Steve:
Frank, I’d like to say a few things.
Frank:
... Sure, Steve. Sure, go ahead.
Steve:
Morning, all. Big Day. In light of everything Frank and Doug just said, I think it’s important that I give a report on the state of our town’s current weed stockpile.
Frank:
Steve, I don’t think we need to talk about this right now-
The entire crowd yells at Frank to shut up.
Frank:
Okay, wow, excuse me. Steve, go right ahead.
Steve:
Thank you, Frank. Now, as we all know, you don’t need a guy like me anymore to partake in a bit of herbal supplementation. However in the past few weeks y’all have remarked that supplies have begun to dwindle. Lots of nervous folks out there right now and they’re all stocking up. So I took it upon myself to engage and old supplier of mine, K. Narcotics. A supplier that, shall we say, is not officially licensed by the state.
Frank:
Steve, I’m sorry, your drug supplier is named K. Narcotics?
Steve:
They like to engage a “hide in plain sight” mentality, Frank. Who would suspect someone with the last name “Narcotics” to be a drug dealer?
Frank:
Everyone.
Steve:
Anyway, I’m proud to report that our reserves are higher than they’ve ever been.
The crowd applauds.
Frank:
Okay, that’s great, Steve, thank you-
Steve:
If you’ll allow me, I have a full report on our supply and how it will be distributed in the coming months.
A slide machine suddenly whirs into life and steve goes to the first slide.
Steve:
Slide one: As you can see on this chart I have our current reserves divided into strains from loud all the way down to mellow.
Frank:
Where did the slide machine come from?
Outside the sheep’s eye verge and trinkett sit while verge smokes.
Verge:
Still feeling okay?
Trinkett:
Still feeling okay.
Eldin:
Any blurred vision, or perhaps the feeling like you’re about to die?
Trinkett:
Nope.
Eldin:
That’s good.
Trinkett:
Honestly, I’m feeling kind of great. Should I be feeling great?
Eldin:
I’m not sure, Trinkett, you’re the first person to do something this foolhardy in the history of three galaxies.
Trinkett:
It’s not my fault they’re all wusses.
Eldin:
I’m sorry what?
June approaches.
Verge:
Well well, look who’s returned from the frontier.
June:
What are we doing? Is this the cool kids table outside the meeting?
Verge:
It is.
Eldin:
Hello June, Trinkett may be dying.
Trinkett:
It’s true.
June:
Really? Is this an actual death, Trinkett, or is this one of your metaphorical deaths like on your tarot cards?
Trinkett:
Too early to tell.
Verge:
I’m surprised to see you, June. I thought you’d left us forever for the land of sword and sorcery.
June:
You know me, I go where the action is.
Trinkett:
You’re one to talk, Verge. You and Deidre have barely left your room at the Horizon.
June:
Oh Verge, you dirty little Earthling fucker.
Verge:
Well, I do have a history.
June:
Can I just say, look at us. The amount of sex Verge and I have fit into this, our last month of existence has been award winning. Our names should be on a plaque somewhere.
Verge:
June.
June:
Shhh, don’t be modest. Embrace it. We need to fill these last fleeting moments of Earth with unnecessary sexual braggadocio. We are both nailing and getting nailed by the end of the world right now.
Trinkett:
I’m very proud of you both. I think the energies of your current partners are very complimentary and the fact that Tavrok said that you should come back to town for the meeting showed real growth on his part.
June:
It did. He’s really coming into his own, that little... How did you know that?
Trinkett:
What?
June:
How did you know he said that to me?
Trinkett:
How did I what?
June:
He told me to come back to town for the meeting but he said that to me an hour ago. Eldin, did you tell her?
Eldin:
I didn’t.
Trinkett:
... But I totally knew that.
June:
Yeah, you did.
Trinkett:
How did I know that?
Verge:
Eldin?
Eldin:
No unusual brain activity.
Trinkett:
Hang on. Let me think... He told you to come back for the meeting, he told you that right after he told you he was making a saddle for the Mungo.
Celeste pulls up in a jeep.
June:
How did you know about the mungo saddle?
Trinkett:
How do I know about the mungo saddle?
June:
You’re freaking me out, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
I’m freaking myself out.
Celeste:
Hello, everyone.
June:
Seargent!
Celeste:
How was the meeting?
June:
It’s still going.
Celeste:
What are you all doing out here?
June:
This is where the cool people hang out outside the meeting. So, why don’t you head inside, Celeste?
Celeste:
There’s about to be a global catastrophe and you’re all acting like teenagers?
June:
Cool teenagers.
Celeste:
What was the point of me giving everyone an early warning if you’re just going to act this way?
Trinkett:
Celeste, c’mon. You’re letting everyone on the base have a picnic right now.
June:
A picnic?
Celeste:
A brief one, to relieve stress. How did you know that?
Trinkett:
How did I know that?
The meeting is over and everyone begins spilling onto the street.
Frank:
Okay, good meeting, everyone. Stay at home if you can, don’t panic, and stay in touch. Call me, call Doug-
Steve:
Call me.
Frank:
Call Steve if you absolutely cannot get ahold of anyone else, okay?
Deidre:
Hey, guys.
June:
Deidre, we decided we were too cool for the meeting.
Verge:
Also most of them are afraid of me.
Deidre:
It’s fine. It was just a “don’t panic” meeting anyway.
Doug:
Hey, everyone.
June:
Doug, you have a clipboard.
Doug:
Just need to check a few things. Is everyone’s phone charged?
Frank:
Phone is charged.
Deidre:
Mine is.
Steve:
I’m at a very healthy 89%.
Doug:
This question is aimed at June, specifically.
June:
Hey.
Doug:
June. Big Day. Your phone is never charged.
June:
It will be charged.
Doug:
I see.
June:
I’ve been out in the sex-woods for weeks now, it’s very hard to charge your phone when you’re in the sex-woods.
Eldin:
You’ve posted to instagram 17 times in past 48 hours.
June:
You little snitch.
Eldin:
They’re all videos of Tavrok chopping wood.
June:
Those posts are doing amazing numbers right now.
Deidre:
June.
June:
It’s not my fault that everyone wants to look at my boyfriend when the end of the world is coming.
Deidre:
Boyfriend?
June:
Shut up, Deidre.
Celeste:
I’ll admit, they are compelling. I’ve watched all of them. My “For You” page is ruined.
Frank:
Hey, guess what, I hate every part of this conversation. Doug, is there anything else?
Doug:
No. I’m afraid it’s all a waiting game now. If you’re interested, I do have a list of non-emergency items to make the time go faster.
Eldin:
Verge. A word.
Verge:
I’ll be right back.
Frank:
Let’s hear it.
Doug:
Well, all of our supplies are secured in the old church, but I’m worried that in the future people may panic or become desperate and maybe try to break in.
Celeste:
It wouldn’t surprise me.
Frank:
What should we do about that?
Celeste:
I could post some guards.
Frank:
I really don’t want guards outside the church.
Doug:
I think someone should try and break in.
Frank:
To the church?
Steve:
Put me in, coach.
Frank:
Of course. Fine. Steve go try and break into the church.
Verge:
(To Eldin.) What’s up?
Eldin:
...
Verge:
Eldin.
Eldin:
I think I should make us a flight plan.
Verge:
Why?
Eldin:
... Verge I want you to know that it’s admirable that you have managed to become a member of this community. That’s a veritable impossibility for any Vapian, you especially.
Verge:
Why are you telling me this?
Eldin:
My first priority is always your safety.
Verge:
Eldin.
Eldin:
... The Wayfaring Stranger is now within range of the sensors onboard the Phoenix... They’re fucked, Verge.
Verge:
I thought you said today wasn’t going to be a problem.
Eldin:
I said it was a very small chance. Looks like they got lucky... If we leave in the next few hours-
Verge:
I’m not leaving.
Eldin:
... Very well. Then it looks like the meeting’s not over.
Trinkett:
Everyone. We need to go back inside. Verge has some bad news for us.
We move back inside the SHeep’s Eye. Music is playing.
Eldin:
Deidre, would you mind shutting off the music, please?
Deidre:
Okay.
She shuts off the music.
Eldin:
Everyone get out your phone and look at your screen. Trinkett have a look at my screen.
Trinkett:
Okay.
Eldin:
The Wayfaring Stranger is now within range of the sensors onboard The Phoenix. As you can see from the mockup on your phone, the situation has gotten very complicated. The main body of The Wayfaring Stranger will continue past Earth but as it passes, Earth’s gravity will tear off a sizeable chunk and pull it into Earth’s gravity well. That fragment of the wayfaring stranger will then begin to break apart as it approaches. There will be several strikes on Earth. Those strikes will travel in a line up the Pacific Coast of North and South America. The first strike will be Antarctica, there will be minimal casualties for that one, but the heat generated will cause all sorts of changes to the environment and increased glacial runoff is not exactly what your planet needs right now. The second strike will be off the coast of Lima, Peru. It wont be a direct strike, but Lima will be in the blast radius and there will also be massive tsunamis all along the coast for hundreds of miles. Much the same will be Monterey, California, British Columbia and the Yukon Territory.
Frank:
So, they’re going to miss us?
Eldin:
Yes. But the real concern of ours is this: accompanying those four major strikes will be literally thousands of smaller strikes from Antarctica all the way to Canada. Smaller pieces of the Wayfaring Stranger will rain down everywhere. These fragments wont be able to create tsunamis or melt glaciers, but they will be able to lay waste to farmland, burn forests, and destroy buildings.
Frank:
And those aren’t going to miss us.
Eldin:
It’s a statistical impossibility that they would.
June:
Well, fuck.
Celeste:
We should get everyone to the base, we can shelter there.
Eldin:
It’s not a terrible idea, Sergeant Major, but your base doesn’t have any underground structures and the building won’t provide that much more cover. Also, the time it would take to organize that amount of people getting all the way around the mountain would definitely leave people out in the open and right now it’s best that everyone be inside a structure of some kind... The only thing you can do right now is inform the town, and hope for the best.
June:
Guess it’s okay that I skipped the meeting, then.
Eldin:
Right now I’m linking all of your phones to me. Should the cellular network go down we’ll still be able to communicate through the network I’m creating. Verge, if you don’t mind, I think you should leave me with Trinkett for the time being.
Verge:
Sure.
Frank:
Alright guys, no speeches, let’s work the problem. Deidre, can you start making calls?
Deidre:
Yeah.
Frank:
Doug, can you post all the information on that online forum thing you set up?
Doug:
Yes.
Frank:
Celeste, I’m assuming you need to brief the troops or whatever?
Celeste:
Yes. If things start burning, get to the other side of the mountain, we’ll be waiting.
Frank:
Okay. June, there’s a handful of people in town who aren’t online and don’t answer their phone, let’s go knock on their door.
June:
Dummy patrol, got it.
Frank:
Eldin, how much time do we have?
Eldin:
Three hours.
Frank:
Okay, let’s move everyone.
Doug:
Frank.
Frank:
Yeah?
Doug:
I think in light of this, I should get higher up on the mountain.
Frank:
Why?
Doug:
If I get up high enough I’ll be able to see the whole town. If someone’s house gets hit I’ll be able to see it and let you know.
Frank:
Okay, that’s not a bad idea, get up there.
Steve:
Hey, Frank.
Frank:
Yeah.
Steve:
If you don’t mind, I’d like to stick with the whole breaking into the church idea. I know it won’t help right now, but breaking the law helps me relax.
Frank:
Sure, Steve. Go for it.
Verge:
Deidre.
Deidre:
... I’m not going.
Verge:
Anybody here would tell you to go if you can.
Deidre:
I know. I would tell me to go, but I’m not doing it, Verge. I can’t... I kind of wish there were still two of me. One could go and the other could stay.
Verge:
Deidre, I’ve seen things like this happen. It’s much worse than you think it’s going to be.
Deidre:
I’m staying.
Verge:
... Okay.
Deidre:
Listen to me... I know I can’t convince you to go, but I want so bad to convince you that... if you left now, it would be an act of love, Verge. If I knew you were safe it would mean the world to me right now.
Verge:
I can’t leave you.
Deidre:
And I couldn’t leave you. I’m asking you to do the impossible. But I don’t know what else to do. I had to ask... I love you.
Verge:
... I love you, too.
Deidre:
... The world’s ending... I have to tell everyone...
Deidre dials the phone.
Deidre:
Rocky G, hey it’s Deidre, listen, I’ve got some bad news...
Verge:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Hey, Verge.
Verge:
Can you do something for me?
Trinkett:
Of course.
Verge:
If anything happens to me, I need you to give Eldin to Deidre, okay?
Eldin:
Verge.
Verge:
Quiet, Eldin.
Trinkett:
... I can do that.
Eldin:
Verge, I object to you making any plans right now-
Verge:
Activate legacy protocol. Recipient ID: Deidre Peppercorns.
Eldin:
... Legacy protocol acknowledged.
Verge:
... I’ll be right back.
Eldin:
Verge.
Trinkett:
Eldin, Shhhh. Verge is on a path right now, we need to respect that path.
Eldin:
I’m afraid that’s not in my programming.
Trinkett:
Well, we’re all going to have to reach outside of ourselves today, aren’t we?
Eldin:
I’m suspicious of your level of calm right now.
Trinkett:
Yes... Yes, I am feeling strangely good right now. I shouldn’t be, right?
Eldin:
You absolutely should not be. You have a ridiculous amount of alien mushrooms in your bloodstream.
Trinkett:
But I feel great. I feel awake, you know?
Eldin:
Thousands of space rocks are about to rain down on our heads.
Trinkett:
Right... You know what? Let’s take a walk.
Eldin:
No.
Trinkett:
Shhh. It’s fine.
Trinkett walks out of the sheep’s eye. As soon as the door swings open, trinkett finds herself in a deep forest and the sheep’s eye is gone.
Trinkett:
... Uh oh.
Eldin:
What?... Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Where am I right now?
Eldin:
You’re standing outside the Sheep’s Eye.
Trinkett:
No... no I’m not.
Eldin:
What?
Trinkett:
(Taking deep breaths.) I am a human being on the planet Earth. My feet are planted on the ground. I am human being on the planet Earth. My feet are planted on the ground.
Eldin:
Trinkett.
Trinkett:
I’m hallucinating, Eldin.
Eldin:
Wonderful.
Trinkett:
It’s very vivid.
Eldin:
Congratulations.
Trinkett:
I’m in the middle of a forest.
Eldin:
You were already in the middle of a forest.
Trinkett:
Yes, but there’s no town anymore. Just trees everywhere.
Eldin:
We really do not have time for this, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
No no. This is important. Someone’s trying to tell me something.
Eldin:
Who?
Trinkett:
I’m either trying to tell myself something or... someone else is. That’s how hallucinations work.
Eldin:
Would you like me to explain how hallucinations actually work?
Trinkett:
Don’t be a stick in the mud, Eldin. I was feeling a little useless earlier today, but now... now I’m in my element. A little vision quest before the end of the world is just what the doctor ordered... Let’s go for a walk...
Me move to a trail further up the mountain. Doug walks along the trail and then stops and dials his phone.
Doug:
Hey Frank.
Frank:
(In Doug’s phone.) Yeah.
Doug:
I’m up on the ridge, I’ve got the whole town in my sights and I’ve got my high powered binoculars. I’ll let you know when I start seeing something.
Frank:
Okay, stay safe up there.
Doug:
You stay safe down there.
After a moment we begin to hear the call of the mungo very far off.
Doug:
... Jesus Christ.
Eldin:
(In Doug’s phone.) Don’t worry.
Doug:
Jesus Christ!
Eldin:
Apologies, I’ve linked all your phones now so I can speak to all of you.
Doug:
... Is that... Is that what I think it is.
Eldin:
Yes, that’s the Mungo. Have you not seen it yet?
Doug:
No, I just heard people talk about it, that’s... that’s a giant monster.
Eldin:
I know it seems that way, but they’re very docile.
Doug:
And it just... showed up one day?
Eldin:
It did.
Doug:
How?
Eldin:
I was confused about it at first as well, but upon further research it makes a strange kind of sense. The Mungo is a curious creature. They appear to be native to a few planets on record, which shouldn’t happen. It’s fairly impossible for the same species to develop identically on planets thousands of lightyears apart. But then it was discovered that the Mungo emits a faint signature of tachyonic particles, suggesting that their relationship with space and time is perhaps a bit more casual than yours and mine.
Doug:
Do you think it’s happy here?
Eldin:
It seems to greatly enjoy pine cones.
Doug:
... I feel very strange.
Eldin:
It’s been a strange year, Doug.
Doug:
... I should be at home right now hiding under my bed, but I’m not.
Eldin:
Ah. Yes, that’s not surprising.
Doug:
It’s not?
Eldin:
No. Earthlings that suffer from anxiety, as you do, will often find themselves more at peace in times of high stress.
Doug:
Is that right?
Eldin:
Oh yes. I’m sure you’ve found that, as a sufferer of anxiety, it’s those quiet and still moments that are the truly difficult ones.
Doug:
That really is true.
Eldin:
Hardly a quiet and still moment these days.
Trinkett:
(In Doug’s phone.) It’s true, Doug, you’ve really grown a lot this year.
Eldin:
Would you get back to your hallucination, please?
Frank:
(In Doug’s phone.) To her what?
Trinkett:
Don’t worry about it, Frank.
Frank:
What is Eldin talking about?
Trinkett:
Okay, listen...
We move back to trinkett’s HALLUCINATION. She is deep in the woods.
Trinkett:
Yes, I am hallucinating right now, but it’s going to be fine.
Frank:
Today of all days, Trinkett?
Trinkett:
It was an accident.
Frank:
Bullshit.
Eldin:
No, it’s true Frank. Trinkett has accidentally ingested a large amount of alien fungus.
Frank:
Really? She thought it was a bran muffin?
Eldin:
Well, no, she ingested them on purpose, it’s the hallucination that’s the accident.
June:
Trinkett, you ate alien mushrooms and didn’t think it was going to make you hallucinate?
Trinkett:
Mistakes were made. I’ll be the first to admit it, but I think I’m really onto something here.
Frank:
Whatever. Eldin, please make sure Trinkett is inside when hellfire starts raining from the sky.
Eldin:
Will do.
Trinkett:
Everyone quiet, something is happening.
We hear the sound of several people making their way through the woods.
Trinkett:
Eldin, do you hear something?
Eldin:
Of course I don’t hear something, I’m not hallucinating.
Trinkett:
People are coming.
The footsteps through the woods come to an halt.
Trinkett:
There’s a large group of people and they’re all looking at something. I’m going to get a closer look.
Trinkett moves through the woods.
Trinkett:
... Okay there’s a group of... They look like soldiers.
Eldin:
Like the soldiers from the army base?
Trinkett:
No no, they’re wearing armor. They’re all Asian, they have bows and arrows and swords.
Eldin:
Interesting. Try describing their armor.
Trinkett:
Okay it... it looks like a bunch of squares sewn together.
Eldin:
That would be lamellar armor, making them probably Chinese about 2nd century BCE.
Trinkett:
Wait, I can still see the mountain in the background. I’m still on Mt. Hood.
Eldin:
You’re seeing 2nd century BCE Chinese Soldiers on Mt. Hood?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Eldin:
I think you’re basing this hallucination on the tablet that was found in the glade of wishes, the one with the Chinese writing on it. Xu Fu was the man who allegedly wrote it, he was from that time period.
Trinkett:
Okay but why am I seeing this?
Eldin:
You’re seeing this because you’re hallucinating, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Hello?... They can’t see me.
Eldin:
They can’t see you because they’re not really there. You’re hallucinating.
Trinkett:
They’re all looking at something... It’s... they all stopped in front of something. They’re all looking at some sort of structure, some sort of metallic structure. It’s very big... Eldin, where am I standing right now?
Eldin:
You’re standing in the town square.
Trinkett:
And what am I facing?
Eldin:
You’re facing the Sheep’s Eye.
Trinkett:
Okay... I think I’m in the past, on Mt Hood.
Eldin:
That doesn’t make any sense at all, but then again you are hallucinating.
Trinkett:
Would you stop saying that, you’re worse than Frank.
Eldin:
How dare you.
The men in trinkett’s hallucination disappear.
Trinkett:
Oh!
Eldin:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
... They’re gone... I’m alone again.
Frank:
Any idea how we’re going to pull her out of this?
Eldin:
It’s not like she’s gone very far, she’s just standing in the town square like an idiot. If things get dangerous, someone come scoop her up.
Frank:
Fine.
Steve:
If any of y’all would like an update I’m halfway through the window of the church right now.
Frank:
Great work, Steve.
Trinkett:
Celeste? Celeste are you listening right now?
Celeste:
Hello, Trinkett. It’s very busy on my side of the mountain, but your little magical mystery tour has been a wonderful distraction.
Trinkett:
Celeste, why is your base on this mountain?
Celeste:
That’s classified.
Steve:
Oh, come on!
June:
Booo, Celeste!
Steve:
You’re already getting court martialed, just tell us!
June:
Don’t ruin the apocalypse!
Celeste:
There is a particular signal that comes from this area. It’s a very strange signal, we don’t know the origin, and it’s our job to monitor it. That’s all.
June:
... Kinda boring.
Celeste:
Well, that’s my job.
We begin to hear a single person coming through the woods.
Trinkett:
Okay, shh. Someone’s coming.
Celeste:
Is she afraid her hallucinations are going to hear us?
Trinkett:
Okay, this is a different guy. White guy. He looks like he’s from the pioneer days. He’s got one of those old rifles and a horn with gunpowder in it... wait I recognize him... Deidre, are you there?
Deidre:
Hey.
Trinkett:
That painting above the fireplace in the Sheep’s Eye, who is that a painting of?
Deidre:
That is Macon Peppercorns, he’s the founder of Hood’s Pocket.
Trinkett:
That’s who I’m looking at right now.
Deidre:
Really?
Eldin:
And I think we know where this hallucination is coming from.
Trinkett:
Okay, the structure is still there. He’s looking at the structure too. Right where the Sheep’s Eye is supposed to be.
Eldin:
Tell me more about this structure you keep seeing.
Trinkett:
It’s kind of hard to tell, it’s overgrown by trees now. It’s shiny and metallic. I don’t see any rust on it. It’s a couple of stories tall, I think... Deidre, tell me more about this guy.
Deidre:
Um, I don’t know much about Macon Peppercorns. He was a pretty mysterious guy.
Trinkett:
He was the founder of Hood’s Pocket?
Deidre:
Yeah, but he used to say this weird thing to my grandpa. Apparently he used to say “Teddy, I didn’t found Hood’s Pocket... I found it.” Whatever that means.
Trinkett:
Eldin, tell me again what that tablet said. The one we found in the glade of wishes.
Eldin:
“I will finally return from the mountain, though I have changed as much as the land around me. The mountain will be found again, the mountain will be lost again. Forever.”
Trinkett:
... Something’s going on here, Eldin.
Eldin:
... You may be right.
Steve:
And I am inside the church, baby!
Eldin:
Proximity alert!
Trinkett:
What?
A fragment of the wayfaring stranger comes screaming out of the sky and strikes the church. Trinkett is knocked to the ground. For a moment all we hear is the ringing in Trinkett’s ears. Eldin’s voice slowly fades in.
Eldin:
Trinkett? Trinkett, are you alright? You were knocked down by the blast but your vital signs are nominal. Can you hear me?
Trinkett:
What happened?
Doug:
Guys?! Guys, we just had a strike at the church. Is Steve still in there?
Deidre runs up to Trinkett.
Deidre:
Trinkett, are you okay?
Trinkett:
What’s happening?
Deidre:
It’s started. A meteor just hit the church. It’s on fire.
Trinkett:
Oh fuck, is Steve in there?
Deidre:
We don’t know, come on.
They run toward the church. We can hear it being engulfed in flames.
June:
Steve?! Steve are you in there?! Steve, come on?!
Frank:
It’s going up like it’s made of fucking matches! We need to get in there, where are the keys?!
Doug:
(In Frank’s phone) Oh my God, I have the keys all the way up here!
Frank:
Fuck!
Eldin:
Frank! Steve has vital signs, he’s unconscious. He has approximately 90 seconds until succumbs to smoke inhalation. He is in the northwest corner of the building.
Frank:
All the doors are locked.
Deidre:
Anyone who goes in there could die too, what do we do?!
Frank:
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is just fucking great.
June:
Frank?
Frank:
Hold my phone.
June:
What? Why?
Frank:
Just do it.
June:
Why- oh. Ohhhhhhh. It’s happening, isn’t it?
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
Look at you, running into the phone booth, doing a quick change.
Frank:
Shut up.
June:
I can hear the theme music.
Frank:
Shut up.
Deidre:
What are you two talking about?!
Doug:
Guys, what’s happening?
Frank:
Everybody move!
Frank kicks down the door of the church and runs into the flaming building.
Deidre:
Oh my God!
June:
He’s fine.
Deidre:
What?!
June:
Don’t worry, Deidre.
Deidre:
Don’t worry?!
Eldin:
This is an exciting field test, actually. I’m recording everything.
Frank:
I’ve got him!
Frank emerges from the flaming church carrying steve.
June:
Look at that, wreathed in flame, cover of issue #1.
Frank:
Jesus Christ, June. Eldin, how’s he looking?
Eldin:
He’s fine. He was knocked unconscious by the blast but he’s fine.
Steve:
...Frank? Frank you saved me.
Frank:
Please don’t be in my debt.
Eldin:
Uh, Frank. You are on fire.
Frank:
What? Oh. June can you?
June:
Yeah, I’ve got you.
June starts patting out the flames on frank.
Frank:
Goddamn it, this was my favorite shirt.
June:
Steve, you owe Frank a shirt.
Deidre:
What just happened?
Doug:
What’s happening, is everyone okay?
Frank:
Yeah, we’re okay Doug. Our supplies are going up in flames, though.
Doug:
I knew we should’ve stored it in more than one place, that’s my bad.
Frank:
I don’t think there’s going to be a safe place, Doug.
Doug:
You’ve got another coming in!
Eldin:
Everybody down!
Another meteor strikes nearby.
Trinkett:
Everyone, listen. We need to get inside the Sheep’s Eye.
Frank:
The Sheep’s Eye isn’t going to protect us from anything.
Trinkett:
Frank. Trust me. I’ve had a vision.
Frank:
You really think that’s going to convince me?
Trinkett:
We could argue about it here in the town square or you could just listen to me for once in your life!
Frank:
Fine! Everybody into the Sheep’s Eye, let’s go!
Steve:
That was crazy. I almost got killed by space, y’all.
They all duck inside the sheep’s eye.
Frank:
We shouldn’t stay here long, we’d be better off in a stone building.
Trinkett:
Deidre, do you still have that tool box behind the bar?
Deidre:
Yeah, why?
Trinkett:
Hang on.
We hear trinkett rifling through a tool box.
June:
Sure, Trinkett, this is a great time for some light carpentry.
Trinkett:
Here we go. Frank, take this.
Frank:
Why are you giving me a hammer?
Trinkett:
I need you to tear a hole in the wall.
Frank:
Why?
Trinkett:
Just do it.
Frank:
Trinkett-
Eldin:
Frank, I think you should do it.
Frank:
Why?
Eldin:
... Frank, I don’t believe this is a bar.
Frank:
Excuse me?
Deidre:
Excuse me?
Eldin:
Frank. Tear a hole in the wall, please.
Frank:
... Fine.
Frank tears into the wood paneling of the wall with the claw of the hammer.
Doug:
Oh shit, it’s really starting to come down now, guys. These things are hitting everywhere. Jesus.
Frank is done tearing into the wall. They all stand there in disbelief.
Eldin:
What in the world?
Frank:
What the fuck is that?
Eldin:
One moment please... It appears to be Arvium. It’s the most resilient metallic compound ever created. Pan me around the room please, Trinkett... The wood of this building is just a facade. We’re completely encased in an incredibly hard metal.
Deidre:
“It’s got really great bones.”
Frank:
Why?
Eldin:
We’ll have to figure that out later. Right now we are in a meteor proof building. We need to get as many people inside this building as possible.
Frank:
Trinkett, what the fuck happened to you?
Trinkett:
I guess I’m just that good, baby.
Frank:
Deidre, get on the phone.
June:
Guys.
Frank:
Steve, you too.
Steve:
Okay, I’m on it.
Frank:
Doug, are you hearing all this, you need to get down here.
Doug:
I don’t know, Frank. It’s going to take me a while to get down there.
Frank:
You’re a sitting duck up there, Doug.
June:
Guys.
Doug:
Yeah, but moving might be worse. Besides...
Frank:
What?
Doug:
I spent my life being afraid of stuff like this. I think I need to look it in the eye.
Frank:
Shit. Okay, stay safe, Doug.
June:
Guys!
Frank:
What?
June:
Where’s Verge?
Frank:
... Deidre?
Deidre:
... It’s okay... I asked them to leave... I wanted them to be safe, so I asked them to leave... I didn’t think they’d listen.
Trinkett:
... Frank?
Frank:
What?
Trinkett:
Something’s wrong at the military base.
Frank:
What?
Trinkett:
I don’t know.
Frank:
How do you know?
Trinkett:
I don’t know.
Frank:
Celeste?... Celeste are you there?... Celeste?
Celeste:
(In Frank’s phone.) I’m here.
Frank:
What’s going on?
Celeste:
We’ve just been hit multiple times. It’s very bad.
Frank:
How bad?
Celeste:
I have to evacuate the base, they’re loading up the vehicles right now.
Frank:
Can you make it to the Sheep’s Eye?
Celeste:
We can try.
Frank:
Okay, believe it or not, we’re apparently safe here. I’ll explain later.
Celeste:
We’re on the move.
Frank:
Doug, how are things looking up there?
Doug:
Not great. Looks like we’ve got three houses on fire. A lot of people are getting the message though, there’s a lot of people heading your way, some on foot, some in their cars. It’s going to get crowded in there.
June:
Deidre. What happened?
Deidre:
... They were staying here for me... It felt terrible... It’s okay... It’s like a part of me escaped.
The door opens to the sheep’s eye and people begin to pour in.
Frank:
Alright, everybody, if you’re injured have a seat, otherwise it’s going to be standing room only in here really quick. Eldin, what happened to Verge?
Eldin:
As I think Trinkett would say, Verge is on a path. We need to respect that.
We move to the glade of wishes. Debris from the wayfaring stranger can be heard hitting the earth far off. Verge walks through the glade.
Verge:
... I hear this glade is where people come to talk to the Gods... I’d talk to my own Gods, but they’re all dead... I guess you’ll have to do, whoever you are... I’ve been running all my life... so long it doesn’t feel like running anymore. In my life I’ve spent more time inside a steel box floating in a void than I have with my feet on the ground... I’ve been doing it so long that standing on solid ground started to feel strange to me. It started to feel unnatural... The things we become to survive... My people were scientists, apparently... They were brilliant and beautiful, maybe a little arrogant... But I had to be this. Carry a gun around, fight for my life, travel light, no attachments... The unnatural became second nature... It’s the most unnatural thing in the world, loneliness... But I adapted. I survived... Vapus Vella... “ Vapus Lives.” If I live, then, somehow, my people still live. That’s been the rule... Is this living? Is this being alive? It’s more than just breathing in and out... It has to be... What a fucking tragedy if living is just breathing in and out... I can’t do this anymore... Staying alive is fucking killing me.
A meteor strikes nearby. There is an explosion and verge is thrown off their feet.
Verge:
Fuck!... You missed... You missed AGAIN!... I’m still here... I’m still here... but it’s not enough. It’s not enough to just be alive anymore. It’s not worth the price... So, you weird old Gods of this planet, you’re going to have to make me a better deal... I’ve played my part all this time and I’ve played it well... It’s time... It’s time for it to end... I would like... I would like to go home now, please... Please... Can I go home?
The meteor strikes in the distance suddenly go silent.
Verge:
What the fuck?
The sky above the mountain begins to bend and crack and make a strange otherworldly sound.
Verge:
Holy shit.
We move to the sheep’s eye. The place is packed full of the townspeople now.
Frank:
Alright everybody, try and stay calm. I know it’s a tight squeeze in here but this is the safest place to be right now, okay?
Trinkett:
Frank.
Frank:
Yeah, what is it?
Trinkett:
Something... something is happening.
Deidre:
Frank, I think the meteors have stopped.
Frank:
Doug? Doug are you still up there, pal? Are we in the clear?... Doug?...
Doug:
(In Frank’s phone.) ... Uhh... Frank you may want to come outside...
Frank:
What’s happening?
Doug:
... The Mountain... It’s moving.
Frank:
What?
Frank throws open the front door of the sheep’s eye. The night sky above appears to be rushing past and making a deep, ghostly sound. Far off we hear the sound of the mungo.
Frank:
Doug, what the fuck am I looking at?
Doug:
It’s like... there’s a cutoff... it’s like... the entire mountain is like an island now but it’s... it’s moving through something very fast, it’s traveling somewhere.
Frank:
Eldin?
Eldin:
I have no fucking idea. There’s spatial distortion to be sure but there’s so much more than that. Whatever we’re experiencing it’s never been documented.
Trinkett:
It’s happened before, though. This has all happened before.
Steve:
Holy Shit y’all. I’ve got vertigo.
Verge:
Deidre.
Deidre:
... Verge?
Verge:
...
Deidre:
... You stayed.
Verge:
... I live here.
Deidre:
What’s happening?
Verge:
... I made a wish.
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
I don’t know.
Deidre:
... Give me your hand.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
Don’t let go.
Verge:
I won’t.
Several jeeps and trucks pull into the town square. Celeste gets out of one of the jeeps.
Celeste:
Frank?
Frank:
Sarge.
Celeste:
So, what the fuck is this, Frank?
Frank:
Your guess is as good as mine.
Steve:
Nice to not have meteors raining down on us at least.
Celeste:
What does the little box say?
Eldin:
This little box has no idea what’s happening. There’s spatial distortion and a very complicated energy signature but... I have no record of something like this.
Steve:
Y’all, have we died? Are headed for the other side?
Trinkett:
I don’t think so, Steve.
Frank:
Doug, what’s the cutoff? How much of... how much of planet Earth is still here?
Doug:
(In Frank’s phone.) It’s hard to say. I think the land cuts off at Ramona Falls, then after that is just... whatever this is.
Celeste:
Well, my training is out the window at this point, anybody got any ideas?
Steve:
Trinkett seems to know everything these days.
Trinkett:
I mean, I know things but I don’t know things.
Frank:
Hey, June.
June:
Yeah.
Frank:
... What’s happening?
June:
It’s pretty clear to me, guys... It’s a Stargate.
Celeste:
A Stargate?
Steve:
Oh shit, Stargate’s my jam.
June:
Richard Dean Anderson, 1997-2007.
Frank:
What does that mean?
June:
It means we’re heading for a new destination. Sarge, go on high alert of you see any Egyptian stuff.
Celeste:
Egyptian stuff?
Doug:
I have it on Blu-Ray if anyone’s interested.
Frank:
Sounds like that’s settled. Stargate. Whatever that means.
Trinkett:
We’re on our way.
Verge:
Hey... Anybody need a drink?
Celeste:
Several.
Frank:
Absolutely.
Steve:
Like I’ve never needed one before.
Deidre:
Okay... well I guess I better open up the bar.
Frank:
Doug, come on down.
Doug:
On my way.
Celeste:
What is Stargate?
June:
Well, Sarge, I’d say you’re going to love it, but... you’re about to live it.
The door to the sheep’s eye closes with everyone inside. For a moment, we listen to the sound of the mountain traveling through the multiverse.
The end.
Post credits scene.
Music is playing in the office of the horizon. Outside we can hear june laughing with a group of truskans. The door opens.
June:
(Laughing) Greeg, you shut your mouth, you walking refrigerator. You’re the worst. Don’t they teach you any manners on your planet?
The door shuts.
June:
These Truskans are a hoot. Have you hung out with these guys?
Frank:
I had a three hour conversation with them yesterday about appropriate iron manipulation techniques.
June:
But you secretly loved it right?
Frank:
What do you mean, “secretly”?
June:
I’m going to take them to see Tavrok tomorrow, they’re going to love his anvil.
Frank:
Wonderful.
June:
... We’re settling in pretty nicely to this new gig, aren’t we?
Frank:
Never a dull moment.
June:
... Oh shit. I forgot to tell you.
Frank:
What?
June:
There’s somebody unconscious in the parking lot again.
Frank:
... What?
June:
Yeah. Don’t worry, it’s not her.
Frank:
... Well, who is it?
June:
I don’t know, some guy.
Frank:
And you just left him there?
June:
I’m on a break, Frank.
Frank:
Jesus Christ, June.
Frank and june walk out into the parking lot and stop at the unconscious man.
Frank:
Okay... well shit. Hello?
June:
Hey buddy, are you awake?
Frank:
Hello?
June:
Let’s show him to Eldin.
Frank:
Fine.
The door opens to Verge’s room. Frank and June carry the unconscious man into the room.
June:
Knock knock.
Frank:
Verge?
Eldin:
Verge is at Deidre’s, Frank. What’s happening?
Frank:
This guy was unconscious in the parking lot.
Eldin:
I see. Wonderful. Place him on the bed and put the nano-surgeon around his left arm. It’s over there on the table.
Frank:
Okay.
June:
I don’t think that’s going to work, Eldin.
Eldin:
Why?
June:
Look at this guy’s arm.
Frank:
Whoa.
Eldin:
I see... he appears to have a cybernetic left arm. Right foot as well, though I can’t pinpoint the manufacturer. Put the surgeon on his right arm, then.
Frank:
Okay... wait a minute. We know this guy.
June:
We do?
Eldin:
June, point your camera at his face, please.
June:
Okay.
Frank:
What was his name? Larry?
June:
Laird?
Eldin:
... Leif.
June:
That’s it.
Eldin:
... I need you both to go to Deidre’s house, please. Bring Verge here, tell them it’s urgent.
Frank:
What’s wrong?
Eldin:
I’m sure everything’s fine, but tell them it’s urgent anyway.
Frank:
Okay... Okay, c’mon June, let’s go.
June:
What’s he doing here?
Eldin:
I’m unsure.
Frank:
Let’s go.
The door closes. After a moment Leif wakes up with a start.
Leif:
Hello?
Eldin:
Hello, Leif.
Leif:
... Eldin?
Eldin:
Long time, no see.
Leif:
Where am I?
Eldin:
You’re at the Horizon Motel.
Leif:
I am?
Eldin:
Yes.
Leif:
What the fuck am I doing here?
Eldin:
I have no idea.
Leif:
What are you doing here?
Eldin:
You told us to come here.
Leif:
Us?... Verge got my message?
Eldin:
They did.
Leif:
That actually worked?
Eldin:
It did.
Leif:
... Holy shit... Okay, I don’t have time for that right now, listen... Krok the Propigator, do you know who I’m talking about?
Eldin:
Of course I know who you’re talking about, what does an obscure historical figure have to do with you showing up in the parking lot?
Leif:
Look, this is going to sound crazy but...
Eldin:
Leif?
Leif:
What happened to my arm?
Eldin:
Why are you asking me that?
Leif:
Eldin what the fuck happened to my arm?!
Eldin:
It’s obviously been replaced by a cybernetic.
Leif:
But that’s... I didn’t do this.
Eldin:
What the fuck are you talking about?
Leif:
I don’t remember this.
Eldin:
Hold still, please... How much time have you lost?
Leif:
How would I know?!
Eldin:
Leif, you have the most acute case of Gate Shock I’ve ever seen, that accounts for the memory loss. Any second now you’re going to start 24 hours of crippling nausea.
Leif:
That’s ridiculous, I haven’t had gate shock in... Oh God.
Eldin:
There it is.
Leif:
Oh shit.
Leif takes off running for the bathroom and vomits. Leif calls from the bathroom.
Leif:
Eldin! I have to get back to the diner!
Leif vomits again.
Eldin:
This fucking guy.
The end?