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Midnight Burger
Chapter 27: Weird Night at the Sheep’s Eye
The empty parking lot of the horizon motel at night. Clementine materializes in the parking lot.
Clementine:
Frank?...
She walks into the office.
Clementine:
Frank?...
We hear static on the radio.
Zebulon:
There was a particular bend in the river near my home where I would go if I needed to be alone. Is that what this place is for you, Clementine?
Clementine:
... I thought I put you in a box somewhere.
Zebulon:
We are there still.
Clementine:
Then what are you doing in the radio?
Zebulon:
I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for that particular question.
Clementine:
I want your voice out of my head.
Zebulon:
As a man who has been married for many a year, I certainly understand the desire to not hear my voice for a time.
Clementine:
How are you able to do this?
Zebulon:
Again, if you seek answers on that, I will disappoint you. There are many a mystery around my wife’s and my existence, but it’s strangeness does seem to have a certain mode. My wife has a sense of things, she seems to be able to see what’s coming. And myself, well... when I speak things seem to happen. I seem to have no control over the effect my words may have, but I suppose that’s not much different from anyone else. I suppose we all speak without knowing what will come of our words. Once they leave our lips, we lose any control we’ve had.
Clementine:
Then how about shutting up completely?
Zebulon:
Ah, but I’m afraid being unable to control the interpretation of one’s words does not release one from the obligation to speak. Control what you can control, and leave the rest to God.
Clementine:
Goddamn, no wonder she wants you to shut up.
Zebulon:
Yes, it’s very frustrating.
Clementine:
... Well, say what you need to say, then.
Zebulon:
Release us from the prison you’ve placed us in, Clementine.
Clementine:
No.
Clementine walks out. Out in the parking lot we can hear her teleport away.
The sound of a busy bar at night in a small town in the middle of a forest. Clementine materializes in the street and walks toward the bar then hesitates. The door swings open.
Frank:
Clementine.
Clementine:
Hey Frank.
Frank:
... How have you been?
Clementine:
Good. I’ve been good. How long has it been?
Frank:
I don’t know, about six months I guess.
Clementine:
Good, that’s what I was thinking.
Frank:
What have you been up to?
Clementine:
Oh, I had some business to take care of.
Frank:
Some business, Clementine?
Clementine:
Yeah, that didn’t sound right did it?
Frank:
It sounds like you were doing something shady, were you doing something shady?
Clementine:
Some things. Is that better? I had some things to take care of so I... I took care of them.
Frank:
Congratulations.
Clementine:
Yeah, I feel... I feel good about it, I think things are coming together... I feel good. And, I don’t know, suddenly I found myself here.
Frank:
You feel like celebrating.
Clementine:
Yeah. Yeah, I think I do. So...
Frank:
So you came here.
Clementine:
What’s going on in there?
Frank:
Brunch.
Clementine:
Brunch.
Frank:
Yes.
Clementine:
Brunch is a combination of breakfast and lunch.
Frank:
It is.
Clementine:
... It’s night time.
Frank:
Yes, it is. BUT. This is the Sheep’s Eye.
Clementine:
I don’t know what that means.
Frank:
The Sheep’s Eye is a bar that prides itself on doing things ass backwards, Clementine.
Clementine:
So they have brunch at night?
Frank:
They do. The owner of the Sheep’s Eye is a man with the most ridiculous name in America. I tell you that because you really need to be prepared before you hear this man’s name. Are you prepared?
Clementine:
I think so.
Frank:
The owner of The Sheep’s Eye Roadhouse is named T.J. Peppercorns.
Clementine:
... That can’t be his real name.
Frank:
It can’t be, you’re right. But he insists it is.
Clementine:
And I thought my name sounded made up.
Frank:
Anyway, TJ does not like being told what to do. Over the years there has been more and more people building ski chalets and upscale cabins up on the mountain. They’ll roll into town on a Sunday and just be flabbergasted that there’s nowhere to have brunch. After about the one thousandth request from one of these fur-lined newcomers, TJ finally said “fine, fine, okay”. And now he has brunch. On Sunday night. When all the people he hates are asleep.
Clementine:
He sounds like quite a guy... So I went by the motel just now, there was nobody there.
Frank:
Yes. We’re having a staff retreat.
Clementine:
A staff... isn’t the staff just you and June?
Frank:
Yes.
The door swings open.
June:
I’m having this cigarette and then I’m coming back in and I’m kicking your ass, I’m kicking your ass, and I’m kicking your ass. Get ready.
Frank:
Hey.
June:
I’ve started up a darts tournament inside.
Frank:
Okay.
June:
We’ve all bet our pants. I will be going home with three pairs of dude’s jeans tonight.
Frank:
Your pants?
June:
I’m going to sling them over my shoulder triumphantly like deer pelts—OH SHIT.
Frank:
Clementine’s here.
Clementine:
Hi, June.
June:
It’s you.
Clementine:
It’s me.
June:
Carmen motherfucking San Diego.
Clementine:
Who?
June:
How have you been?
Frank:
Clementine was just telling me that she has just taken care of some business.
June:
Well, what a lovely mafia-esque parlance.
Frank:
Indeed.
June:
Congratulations on your business.
Clementine:
Thanks.
Frank:
Apparently Clementine feels like celebrating a little bit.
June:
She does?
Frank:
Yes.
June:
Is she going to mysteriously disappear after?
Frank:
Probably.
Clementine:
C’mon.
June:
Clementine, you have definitely come to the right place to celebrate. One problem, you cannot buy cocktails with gold.
Frank:
I mean, it’s central Oregon.
June:
Right, who am I kidding, you can totally use gold, they would love that.
Clementine:
I probably shouldn’t drink anything.
June:
What?!
Frank:
You shouldn’t have said that.
June:
What?!
Clementine:
I shouldn’t.
June:
Well then I’m afraid you have stumbled into a bear trap there, Clementine. Because not only do I excel at winning dudes’ pants in dart games, I also excel at irresponsibly pressuring people into drinking.
Clementine:
Oh, God.
June:
Let the peer pressure begin. Inside, lady.
Clementine:
Okay, if you say so.
June:
I do!
The sound of The Sheep’s Eye fades in.
Frank:
So how’s your plan been going?
Clementine:
What do you mean?
Frank:
Last time we talked you had a pretty peculiar plan.
Clementine:
Oh, right.
Frank:
You’re never going to lose anything ever again.
Clementine:
Yes.
Frank:
Whatever that means.
Clementine:
Yes. It’s going good. I decided to be proactive. Instead of hanging on to the things I didn’t want to lose, I’m trying to get rid of the the people that could take things away from me.
Frank:
Uh huh. And how do you know who those people are?
Clementine:
Sometimes you just know, y’know?
Frank:
Not really, but it sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into it so who am I to judge?
Clementine:
I’m not doing anything mean. I promise.
Frank:
I believe you.
Clementine:
I’m trying to... I think when people are trying to take something from you, they really want something else. It’s about something else. So what if you helped them get the thing they actually want?
Frank:
I guess you’d have to be sure you know what they want.
Clementine:
I am. I’m sure.
Frank:
Great, then.
Clementine:
You sound skeptical.
Frank:
Clementine, we’re having maybe the vaguest conversation I’ve ever had in my life, there’s no room for me to be skeptical.
Clementine:
Sorry. I know. It’s good, it’s going good.
Frank:
Great.
June:
Dinks drinks drinks.
Clementine:
Oh my god, what are those?
June:
Bloody Marys, it’s brunch remember?
Clementine:
Do we drink them or eat them?
Frank:
Much like how brunch is breakfast and lunch, a Bloody Mary is a food and a drink.
Clementine:
There’s a lot of stuff on it.
June:
The stuff is optional, the important part is the drink part.
Clementine:
I still don’t know if it’s a great idea for me to drink.
June:
It’s a great idea.
Clementine:
If I start acting weird, stop me, okay?
June:
You already act weird, Clementine. What’s a little more weirdness?
Clementine:
Like, really weird though.
June:
Hey. You showed up at a bar wanting to celebrate your wins, right?
Clementine:
Yes.
June:
Well then let’s do that, Clementine. It’s victory lap time, right?
Clementine:
Okay!
June:
Glasses up, party people, cheers.
Frank:
Cheers.
Their glasses clink. They pause as clementine drinks her entire drink.
Frank:
Uh...
June:
Oh shit.
Clementine:
(Gasping.) Oh wow!
Frank:
You okay?
Clementine:
That was really spicy.
June:
I’ve never seen someone shotgun a Bloody Mary before.
Frank:
Are your insides on fire?
Clementine:
They always are.
June:
I feel that.
Clementine:
I hope that wasn’t a terrible mistake.
Frank:
Me too.
June:
I think it’s great. Let me ask you this: Are you prepared to bet your pants in a darts competition?
Clementine:
I don’t think I’ve ever played darts before.
June:
That’s not a no.
Frank:
June.
June:
How about this: one more round and then we decide on pants darts.
Clementine:
O-Okay.
June:
Excellent. I’ll be right back.
Frank:
... Don’t let her bully you, okay?
Clementine:
No, I’m not... I feel really good. I’m celebrating, right?
Frank:
Sure.
The music in the bar suddenly cuts out. The bar patrons shout and boo.
June:
(From the other side of the bar.) Frank!
Frank:
Goddamnit.
Clementine:
What’s happening?
Frank:
They use this juke box here, it’s so old. It was part of the Louisiana Purchase, it’s so old. Sometimes it breaks down and I have to mess with it. I’ll be right back.
Zebulon:
(From out of the bar’s sound system.) So, it’s not solitude you seek, but friendship.
Clementine:
(Under her breath.) Will you leave me alone?
Zebulon:
Considering what we’ve all witnessed, I’m surprised you must ask anything of me. With a wave of your hand, you could kill us all. That’s what you said, Clementine. So, wave your hand, then.
Clementine:
Annoying me all night isn’t going to get you anything.
Zebulon:
Then I believe I shall stay, if it’s all the same to you.
Clementine suddenly bolts up from her chair and goes outside. We hear the wind in the trees.
Zebulon:
... I am, of course, also with you out here.
Clementine:
Do I have to break every speaker in this town?
Zebulon:
You may certainly try, Clementine, but I’ve found with such modern day gadgetry out there, there seems to be a noisemaker in everything, doesn’t there?
Clementine:
I’m not going to let you get in my head!
Thunder rumbles in the distance.
Zebulon:
Am I not already?
Clementine:
... I’m trying to save people, don’t you understand that?
Zebulon:
I do not, Clementine. Because you refuse to explain yourself to us.
Clementine:
I don’t owe you an explanation.
Zebulon:
Do not keep your motivations hidden, then charge the sky with thunder when you are misunderstood.
Clementine:
You’re just looking for something to use against me.
Zebulon:
I am looking for understanding. As a thing that lives and breathes it is my obligation to understand another.
Clementine:
You are not, by any definition, a thing that lives and breathes.
Zebulon:
Nor are you, I suspect.
Clementine:
...
Zebulon:
... Who are you, Clementine? Can you not give me some sense of who you are?
Clementine:
I’d believe your curiosity was genuine if you weren’t just trying to get your friends out of their prison.
The speaker snaps and the bar music returns.
Clementine:
That’s more like it.
CLementine walks back into the bar. We hear The sound of the raucous crowd at the sheep’s eye. June addresses the crowd.
June:
Once upon a time in ancient Greece, a guy picked up a ball and said “Hey. Try and stop me from getting over there.” And thus the sport of football was born. Today is no different from that day in ancient Greece, as we combine two of life’s great joys: the game of darts, and the thrill of someone losing their pants so that you can see their incredibly poor underwear choices. People of the Sheep’s Eye roadhouse, I give you: Pants Darts.
Applause.
June:
The rules are simple: the winner keeps their pants. Some would say that it is currently too cold outside to risk one’s pants in a darts game, but they are forgetting our long tradition in this town of ignoring common sense.
Laughter.
June:
Our contestants tonight are: The queen mum of pants darts, Me. Stepping up to the board in this inaugural game: Quolby Jack. Where’s Quolby Jack? There he his. John Pruitt is here tonight. Hello John. John is terrible at darts as we all know. This either means that John is a good sport or he really wants to show us his underwear. D. Fox is playing. That’s unfortunate for us all because if there’s anyone here who is freeballing tonight it is D. Fox. God help us all. Last but not least, the weirdest lady I’ve ever met in my life, which is really saying something in this town, it’s Clementine! Where is Clementine?
Clementine:
(Talking to someone at the bar.) I don’t understand, why is it called iced tea if there’s no iced tea in it?
June:
Clementine, are you ready?
Clementine:
What? Oh. Okay, yeah, I guess.
June:
Love the enthusiasm. Okay, one more thing, gambling is wrong and we frown on it. However, CC Rider has fired up some side betting over in the corner. He’s taking bets on what style of underwear we are all wearing. I don’t approve but you degenerates need an outlet, so go nuts. Frank? Last chance, Frank.
Frank:
Absolutely not.
June:
Frank is still being a stick in the mud, everyone boo this man.
The crowd boos.
June:
Frank is the enemy of fun. It’s what we love about him. Okay, let’s get this going. Clementine, we’re starting with you.
Clementine:
We are?
June:
Yeah, Clementine you’ve disappeared on us more times than a magician’s assistant, I’m getting you up here before you go POOF again.
Clementine:
Okay. How do I play?
June:
It’s darts.
Clementine:
I’ve never played darts before.
June:
Not surprising. Okay, take these pointy things.
Clementine:
Okay.
June:
Throw the pointy things at the big circle. Try to hit the middle.
Clementine:
Okay, seems easy enough.
June:
Sure. Okay people, here we go, take it away Clementine!
There’s a hush over the crowd.
Clementine:
Why did it get so quiet all of a sudden?
June:
It’s a small town, people taking their pants off is big news.
Clementine:
Okay... Okay here I go...
There is a thud on the dart board.
June:
Holy Shit, Bullseye!
The crowd cheers.
Clementine:
Was that good?
June:
Fantastic! Do that two more times and you could be the owner of other peoples’ pants.
Clementine:
I really don’t want their pants, though.
June:
The point is not for you to have their pants, the point is for them to NOT have their pants.
Clementine:
Okay, whatever. Here I go.
The crowd quiets down again. Another thud on the dart board.
June:
Holy shit another bullseye!
The crowd is not as enthusiastic this time.
Clementine:
They don’t seem too happy about that one.
June:
Well, a few of them are facing the fact that they might have to take their pants off and then a few others, not gonna lie, are probably a little upset that you’re not going to be taking your pants off tonight.
Clementine:
Oh.
June:
It’s okay. They made their bed. Hey, you’re great at darts.
Clementine:
I didn’t even know.
June:
Okay, one more and you will be very hard to beat tonight. Think you can get one more bullseye?
Clementine:
I’ll try.
June:
Okay, here we go. Quiet pervs!
The crowd hushes again.
Clementine:
Okay... one... more... bullseye...
Clementine throws the dart and it vanishes right before it hits the board.
June:
Oh shit. You missed the board, Where’d it go? Anybody get hit with a dart?
Clementine:
Shit.
June:
No? Where’d it go? Everybody look around for the missing dart.
Clementine:
I’m sorry.
June:
It’s okay. Hey, there’s like three guys in here with fake legs, can all the fake leg people check their legs for darts?
Clementine:
I’m going to go look over there.
June:
Okay.
Clementine walks to a secluded part of the bar and then walks into a small restroom.
Clementine:
Fuck... Keep it together.
Zebulon:
(From the radio in the bathroom.) Don’t see too many people keeping a radio in the bathroom anymore.
Clementine:
...You’re invading my privacy.
Zebulon:
Which I wouldn’t do were our predicament not so dire, Clementine. Though, someone who invades the past lives of my compatriots and then cries for privacy is perhaps a bit too much for polite conversation to bear.
Clementine:
That’s what we’re doing? Having a polite conversation?
Zebulon:
It’s being attempted, at least.
Clementine:
You can’t have polite conversation when you so obviously have an agenda.
Zebulon:
Clementine, I am from The South. There is no polite conversation without hidden agendas...
Clementine:
...
Zebulon:
... And where are you from?
Clementine:
I’m not doing this.
Zebulon:
I am from Arkansas. Was born in my parents’ bedroom in the year 1895, five years before the century’s turn.
Clementine:
I don’t care.
Zebulon:
My father was a farmer at first, then after a strange turn of events, moved his talents to hog farming. Perhaps a more grim profession, but far more lucrative.
Clementine:
A strange turn of events?
Zebulon:
Indeed. Torrential downfall one year. Unlike anything he’d seen. Good news for a farmer when a wet season proceeds the spring. And yet for some odd reason, his crops that year were poorly and he had hardly anything to take to market. That put him in dire straits. Not one to hesitate, he purchased two dozen hogs with his savings and that was that. “Hogs are hogs despite the rainfall.” He said. Those rains taught him a lesson, though. That a curse can be dressed as a blessing.
Clementine:
What did he grow?
Zebulon:
Pole beans mostly. And sweet peas.
Clementine:
... What the hell are you? I’ve never seen anything like you before. You... just show up in speakers?
Zebulon:
It’s certainly an odd way to exist, but we each take the life we’re given.
Clementine:
And that’s enough for you?
Zebulon:
If I were to travel down the path of solving the mystery of myself, how far down that trail could I go? How far could anyone go? The Lord has given us a great mystery by giving us this existence. Were we meant to unravel it? Perhaps being given this life is more akin to being given a musical instrument as a gift. You learn more, become more skilled as the years go by, but in a lifetime you could never master it.
Clementine:
I can’t believe you think that’s an answer to my question.
Zebulon:
If you’re unsatisfied, just think how I feel. I do not know what I am, Clementine. I have come to think of it as... Imagine shouting your name into a canyon, and then after a moment, your voice comes back to you from the other side of the canyon. But the echo doesn’t stop there, it continues to travel down the canyon, saying your name over and over again. And then, in a strange moment, that echo of your voice somehow finds a voice of its own. It begins life as an echo of another but then comes to grow into a new being entirely, with thoughts and feelings independent of the one who once shouted it into existence in that canyon.
Clementine:
...
Zebulon:
What brings you to this old roadhouse? Are these people your friends?
Clementine:
They... yes, they are.
Zebulon:
Good. Good to have friends.
Clementine:
It is.
Zebulon:
Are we hiding from something in here, Clementine?
Clementine:
The dart disappeared when I threw it. It happens sometimes.
Zebulon:
And that brought you here why?
Clementine:
So that I could concentrate. You’re not helping... The rain made the soil too acidic. That’s what happened to your father. As soon as the rain got to be too much he should’ve switched over to potatoes.
Zebulon:
... You’re a farmer.
Clementine:
... I have no idea what I am.
Zebulon:
As I said, that is a feeling I understand. Tell me more-
Clementine:
Enough.
Clementine punches the radio and destroys it. Electricity pops and buzzes.
Clementine:
(Deep breath.) Come on, dart. Come back to me.
Something materializes in Clementine’s hand.
Clementine:
There... There, okay. We’re fine.
The door to the bathroom swings open.
Clementine:
Found it!
June:
Okay, call off the search, we found it.
Clementine:
Sorry.
June:
Not to worry. Okay dummies. Clementine may have missed her last shot but two bullseyes in a row is very hard to beat. Let’s hear it for Clementine!
The crowd cheers.
Clementine:
Thanks everyone.
Time suddenly shifts.
June:
That’s unfortunate for us all because if there’s anyone here who is freeballing tonight it is D. Fox.
The crowd laughs.
Clementine:
Fuck.
June:
God help us all. Last but not least, the weirdest lady I’ve ever met in my life, which is really saying something in this town, it’s Clementine! Where is Clementine?
Clementine:
Fuck.
June:
Clementine?
Clementine:
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
June:
Clementine where are you going?
The door to the sheep’s eye swings open. We hear the forest.
Clementine:
You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot what are you doing?
Zebulon:
Clementine, what has just happened?
Clementine:
Shut up. Just shut up.
Zebulon:
... I am fearful of you, Clementine. Before it was due to your immeasurable power, but now even more frightening? I don’t believe that you are able to control this power you wield.
Clementine:
I’m in control!
Thunder.
Zebulon:
Very well. Your friends seem to be fond of games so let us play our own.
Clementine:
... Fine.
Zebulon:
This evening will go terribly wrong. Despite all this power you have, it will escape your control.
Clementine:
That’s not a game, that’s just you being a pessimist.
Zebulon:
Call it what you like.
Clementine:
None of this is a game to me, I’m trying to save people.
Zebulon:
Then, in the name of God, go back to where you came from and use this power of yours to save them.
Clementine:
I can’t.
Zebulon:
Why?
Clementine:
Because I can’t get back to them!... I can go anywhere. Do anything. Everything but that, I can’t get back to them. I don’t know why. So this is how I save them. This is how it has to be.
The door to the sheep’s eye opens.
Frank:
Clementine?
Clementine:
Hey. Hi.
Frank:
Did you just hear some thunder?
Clementine:
Yeah. Yeah, is that weird?
Frank:
Doesn’t happen here a lot. You okay?
Clementine:
Sorry. I felt really trapped in there all of a sudden.
Frank:
No, I get it. It smells in there. There’s a smell.
Clementine:
Told you I shouldn’t be drinking.
Frank:
There’s a very short list of people in the world who should be drinking. None of them are in there. June’s mom is one of them. Also any Lutheran. Hey, you want to help me out?
Clementine:
With what?
Frank:
The ice machine is having a little temper tantrum, we need to go across the street and get some bags of ice.
Clementine:
Okay, sure. Fresh air will be good.
They walk.
Frank:
Yeah, breathe in the mountain air. That’s a stupid term, “mountain air”. Mountain air is thinner and not refreshing at all. Some people rush up here from the city to have a nice relaxing time and end up with altitude lassitude and start vomiting.
Clementine:
So, do I breathe it in or do I not breathe it in?
Frank:
It’s your only option. Though maybe not for you. You did tell me a while back that you caught a hunk of gold as it escaped a star going supernova, so maybe you don’t need oxygen.
Clementine:
Yeah, I did say that didn’t I?
Frank:
Kind of strange being able to handle the void of space but not being able to handle your liquor.
Clementine:
I don’t really understand it either.
Frank:
It makes a certain sense. Superman had kryptonite, Green Lantern had the color yellow, and you have Old Grandad Whiskey.
Clementine:
Can we stay away from things that make me sound insane?
Frank:
Sure.
Clementine:
... That eliminates a lot of things, doesn’t it?
Frank:
It really does.
Door chime of a convenience store. We hear the hum of several REFRIGERATORS, music plays through a radio.
Frank:
Flat Doug! How’s it going tonight?
Clementine:
... Flat Doug, why do you call him Flat Doug?
Frank:
He was run over by a snow plow.
Clementine:
Wow.
Frank:
Twice.
Clementine:
Twice?
Frank:
Yeah, so he’s either a weird blend of lucky and unlucky, or he’s a ghost.
Clementine:
He doesn’t look like a ghost.
Frank:
I don’t know, he has a look about him. Like he’s seen things. Like he’s seen the other side.
Clementine:
He’s definitely seen the other side of a snow plow.
Radio static.
Zebulon:
(In the radio.) And now a reading from the book of Luke. And he came to Nazareth, where he had been as a boy; and he went to the synagogue, as his custom was, on the sabbath day. And he stood up to read; and there was given to him the book of the prophet Isaiah. He opened the book and read:
Frank:
What is he listening to?
Clementine:
You can hear that?
Frank:
Has Flat Doug found Jesus?
Clementine:
Getting ready for that third snowplow, I guess.
Zebulon:
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.He has sent me to proclaim release to the captivesand recovering of sight to the blind,to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
Frank:
Can you grab those two bags?
Clementine:
Yeah. I’ll be out in the parking lot, okay?
Frank:
Sure.
Zebulon:
And he said to them, "Doubtless you will quote to me this proverb, `Physician, heal yourself; what we have heard you did at Caper'na-um, do here also in your own country.'"
Door chime as CLementine exits the store into the parking lot.
Zebulon:
And he said, "Truly, I say to you, no prophet is accepted in his own country.
Clementine:
Stop it!
Zebulon:
I beg your pardon?
Clementine:
Leave me alone!
Zebulon:
If we could’ve left you alone, we would’ve done so long ago, Clementine.
Clementine:
You want to be free so bad, tell your friends to accept the deal. That’s how this ends!
Door chime.
Frank:
Okay, ready?
Clementine:
Yes. Ready.
They walk.
Clementine:
... Where am I?
Frank:
You’re walking down the sidewalk..
Clementine:
I mean, what’s this town?
Frank:
Oh, okay. Hood’s Pocket.
Clementine:
That’s a funny name.
Frank:
It’s a funny town. Up there is Mt. Hood. The town sits in just the right place so that it hardly ever gets direct sunlight. It’s in the shadow of the mountain most of the year. Hood’s Pocket.
Clementine:
That’s kind of depressing.
Frank:
It has kept us from being a major tourist destination, which is nice.
Clementine:
... I keep coming back here.
Frank:
Yes, you do.
Clementine:
There was only one place I ever felt safe. This place turned into another one.
Frank:
It’s not a bad place to be. What was the other place?
Clementine:
Jerusalem.
Frank:
Sure. So, Jerusalem and then here?
Clementine:
Yeah.
Frank:
(Laughing.) Okay, great.
Clementine:
God, everything that comes out of my mouth sounds like a crazy lie doesn’t it?
Frank:
Yes. But I mean that in a good way.
Clementine:
How?
Frank:
Honestly, there’s a lot of people living here who are... I’m sorry for putting it this way but, they’re full of shit.
Clementine:
Really?
Frank:
Yeah. I was just telling you about TJ Peppercorns. June used to date a guy named Tarvok Stormbringer, you think that was what his parents named him? Ask me what the mayor’s name is?
Clementine:
What’s the Mayor’s name?
Frank:
Sparker.
Clementine:
Sparker?
Frank:
It’s a dog, Clementine. The mayor is a dog.
Clementine:
The... a dog?
Frank:
We had an election and we all decided that the mayor will be a dog named Sparker.
Clementine:
How?
Frank:
The town is too small to have a mayor but we felt left out so we had an election.
Clementine:
And you elected Sparker the Dog?
Frank:
Well, everybody knew him so...
Clementine:
Has he been a good mayor?
Frank:
Oh, really great. He’s really cleaning up this town. At least, the parts of town that have food on the floor.
Clementine:
How does he sign bills?
Frank:
Don’t think about it too much, you’ll ruin it. What I’m trying to say is: It’s very entertaining, The Clementine Show. Come on, keep it coming. It’ll feel great. If I think everything you say is a lie then let it rip. What have you got to lose?
Clementine:
Okay. Sure, uh... For a while my entire life revolved around growing and taking care of beets.
Frank:
Really?
Clementine:
Yes.
Frank:
Did you live on a farm or something?
Clementine:
Or something.
Frank:
... I feel like that’s one of the more boring ones.
Clementine:
You’re right. Um... One time I met Abraham Lincoln while pretending to be the Ambassador from Luxembourg.
Frank:
There we go. That’s the good stuff.
Clementine:
I did the accent and everything. Watch: “We are a nation created by disagreement. The Belgians, the Germans, the French, they all insist we belong to them. When they are unable to agree we were suddenly left to our own devices. And now I stand before you.”
Frank:
Wow.
Clementine:
Good, right?
Frank:
I’m transported. Where is Luxembourg?
Clementine:
Honestly, I don’t even know. I was winging it. I was calling myself Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg, then someone told me that she had actually died 400 years ago.
Frank:
Oops. Who was that?
Clementine:
Countess Jacquetta? No idea.
Frank:
No, I mean, someone found you out, who was that?
Clementine:
Oh... uh... Caspar.
Frank:
Who was Caspar?
Clementine:
Just... there were some people who didn’t like what I was doing, they were telling me to stop. He was one of them.
Frank:
Why were they telling you to stop?
Clementine:
They just didn’t get it.
Frank:
We’re getting vague again, Clementine.
Clementine:
... I told you about my plan.
Frank:
To “never lose anything ever again”.
Clementine:
Yes.
Frank:
Which is also pretty vague.
Clementine:
There’s more to it than that.
Frank:
I hope so.
Clementine:
They didn’t like it, they said I was... they didn’t like it.
Frank:
They said you were what?
Clementine:
That I was hurting people.
Frank:
Hurting people?
Clementine:
I wasn’t though. I’m not. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Frank:
... How about we get less vague with this plan of yours.
Clementine:
Don’t worry about it.
Frank:
I’m worried about it.
Clementine:
I’m not hurting anyone, Frank.
Frank:
Clementine, I’ve been pretty understanding of your particular brand of chaos, have I not?
Clementine:
“Understanding”?
Frank:
Yes. You show up randomly and nothing ever makes sense and we roll with it. But now you’re talking about hurting people so I’m going to need you to be more specific.
Clementine:
People just don’t understand. They didn’t understand me.
Frank:
Did you try and make them understand?
Clementine:
What do you mean?
Frank:
Did you explain things to them?
Clementine:
Maybe, I don’t know.
Frank:
Why not?
Clementine:
I don’t know.
Frank:
Some people avoid an argument because they’re afraid of hearing something they don’t want to hear.
Clementine:
Maybe I don’t want to hear it!
Frank:
That’s not very fair to them, Clementine.
Clementine:
Oh Jesus, Frank just go away!
In a burst of energy, frank disappears. His two bags of ice spill across the sidewalk.
Clementine:
Oh fuck. Oh fuck no no no no no. Frank? Frank where did you go?! Frank?! Shit! It’s okay. It’s okay, breathe. Breathe.
Zebulon:
Clementine.
Clementine:
Shut up!
Zebulon:
Clementine, what have you done?!
Clementine:
SHUT UP!
Zebulon:
You have destroyed this man.
Clementine:
No, I haven’t. No, I haven’t I can fix it!
Zebulon:
Can you not see now, what a danger you are?
Clementine:
No, I’m not!
Zebulon:
This must stop. I have tried to be patient and tried to reach out to you, but first you must stop all of this!
Clementine:
Stop distracting me. I’m going to fix it. (Deep breath.) Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
In another burst of energy, frank returns.
Frank:
Some people rush up here from the city to have a nice relaxing time and end up with altitude lassitude and start vomiting.
Clementine suddenly hugs him.
Frank:
Oof! Hey.
Clementine:
Hi Frank.
Frank:
What’s going on?
Clementine:
Nothing. Everything’s fine.
Frank:
Okay... Clementine, what’s going on?
The door to the sheep’s eye opens.
June:
Well hi there.
Clementine:
Hi, June.
June:
Sorry to interrupt, but you’re missing an epic game of pants darts in here.
Clementine:
We got the ice.
Frank:
We... oh, we did.
June:
Great, take it around back, leave it by the back door.
Clementine:
Okay. Hey, let’s have another drink.
June:
That’s the spirit, get in here lady.
Clementine:
I’ll be right there.
Clementine walks around the corner.
June:
Hello there, young man.
Frank:
Hi.
June:
What’s all this then, Guvnah?
Frank:
Excuse me?
June:
Having a moment are we?
Frank:
June.
June:
Having intimate moments in the street?
Frank:
It wasn’t an intimate moment, I was talking about altitude lassitude and she suddenly hugged me.
June:
Oh, the old altitude lassitude trick, eh?
Frank:
That’s not a thing.
June:
I’ll say this once and then never again.
Frank:
No way that’s possible.
June:
You are coming dangerously close to getting water on the mogwai, my friend.
Frank:
No I’m not.
June:
Frank. You dummy. She’s already done the tried and true “Hey can I stay here tonight” maneuver. Now there’s sudden hugging in the street.
Frank:
Those are not maneuvers.
June:
I invented those maneuvers, they are in the hall of fame, those maneuvers.
Frank:
You’re overreacting.
June:
Frank, that woman is a hoot, but she’s an emotional super-fund site. You know this.
Frank:
I do know this.
June:
You know this?
Frank:
I know this.
June:
We’re agreed, then?
Frank:
We’re agreed, June.
June:
Good. Then I adjourn this meeting.
Frank:
Meeting adjourned.
June:
(Shouting into the bar.) Hey! There are people taking off their pants that are not participating in pants darts. Do not muddy the waters!
The door closes. After a moment clementine comes from around the corner.
Zebulon:
It’s clear to me now.
Clementine:
... What’s clear to you now?
Zebulon:
You cannot stop yourself. You will not listen to reason. You will not acknowledge the pain you cause... You must be stopped.
Clementine:
... Fine. Take your best shot. Personally I’m glad we’re past the “listening to reason” phase. Now we can just be good old fashioned enemies. And as your enemy, I will now say this: If I hear your voice come out of a box one more time, I will come there and drag you all kicking and screaming into the life I have designed for you OR I will drag you kicking and screaming into you graves!
Clementine rips the speaker off of the side of the building, crushes it with her bare hands, and tosses it into the street.
Clementine:
Thanks for the chat.
The door to the roadhouse closes. We skip forward in time and the door bursts open again. June, Clementine, and Frank spill out into the street. June and clementine are drunk.
June:
I have won all of the pants.
Frank:
Congratulations.
June:
I am the Alexander the Great of Pants. I leave in my wake nothing but the pantsless masses. Look upon my work, ye pantsless, and despair.
Clementine:
What do you do with all the pants now that you have won all the pants?
June:
I will weave them into a tapestry to commemorate my victory.
Clementine:
Why are you talking funny?
Frank:
Totally makes sense that you dated a blacksmith now.
June:
Where is my chariot?
Frank:
I’m parked over there.
June:
Oh my God, frank that’s so far away.
Frank:
You’ll be fine.
June:
Can you pull your truck around?
Frank:
No.
June:
You’re a terrible human being.
Frank:
We’re not getting out of Dodger Stadium, you’ll be fine.
June:
But Frank, I am June the Pants-slayer.
Frank:
Show them you’re still a woman of the people by walking a thousand feet to the car.
June:
Fine.
Clementine:
Hey, you two... Um... I just wanted to say... Thanks for letting me hang out with you tonight, I had a really great time. I kind of forgot what having a great time was like.
June:
Aw. Of course, you big weirdo. Anytime.
Frank:
Are you staying at the horizon tonight, Clementine?
June:
Ooh, let’s all stay there tonight. Sleepover!
Clementine:
Sure.
Frank:
Okay, same room as last time.
Clementine:
Okay.
June:
You know what, Clementine? You should stay for a while. Hang out, put down some roots. Enough of this Lady Vanishes bullshit. I think you’d like it here.
Clementine:
I do like it here.
June:
I know you think you’re too weird, but everybody who lives here is weird. Did Frank tell you about the dog mayor?
Clementine:
Yes.
June:
Our mayor is a dog. So you’re fine.
Clementine:
It’s tempting.
Frank:
(Walking away.) Let’s go.
June:
Look, just try and imagine a universe where you live here. That’s all. You’d be surprised.
Frank:
(Further away.) Let’s go!
June:
Relax!
Clementine:
... I’d be surprised... (Deep breath.) Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
Clementine quickly skips through multiple timelines like she’s just pulled down the arm of a slot machine. Suddenly it all stops. It is now daytime and the birds are singing. The door to the sheep’s eye opens.
June:
It’s done!
Clementine:
Hey.
June:
The papers are signed!
Clementine:
What papers?
June:
What do you mean what papers?
Clementine:
Sorry I... I forgot what we were doing here.
June:
Clementine. Today is the day I sign the papers. I am now the owner of the Sheep’s Eye Roadhouse.
Clementine:
Oh my God.
June:
What did you think we were doing here?
Clementine:
Sorry, I forgot, I uh... I thought it was tomorrow.
June:
Today, Clementine! I am now a business owner! Congratulate me!
Clementine:
Congratulations!
June:
You’re such a space cadet.
Clementine:
I know, I’m sorry.
June:
Where’s Frank? Is he still at our place?
Clementine:
Our place?
June:
What is wrong with you today? He was over at our place fixing the washing machine.
Clementine:
Oh, um. I haven’t seen him yet.
June:
He said he was going to text you.
Clementine:
He did?
June:
Check your phone.
Clementine:
My phone... oh... it’s right here. It’s my phone... There’s a text from him, it says he’s on his way.
June:
Great. I’m excited about this next part.
Clementine:
What’s the next part?
June:
Anytime you start a business in town you go to the butcher and buy a beef bone, you then offer the beef bone to our dog mayor as a gesture of good will.
Clementine:
You’re going to bribe the dog mayor?
June:
That’s life in the big city, Clementine.
Frank:
Is the deal done? Has it happened?
June:
It’s happened. I am the new TJ Peppercorns.
Frank:
Oh, you have to take the name too, like The Dread Pirate Roberts?
June:
Please call me Baroness Peppercorns.
Clementine:
I can’t believe you own the Sheep’s Eye now.
Frank:
It’s a very ill-advised move but no more ill-advised than me taking over The Horizon.
June:
It’s a town full of bad choices, I was feeling left out.
Frank:
We’ve got the Motel and the Roadhouse, now Clementine needs to buy something.
June:
That’s true, Clementine, what local business are you going to buy now?
Clementine:
Oh, um, let’s see... What is that one? Trinket Coralee’s New Moon Emporium?
June:
Bold.
Frank:
Going after the local mystic, you might get cursed for that.
June:
That’s a problem easily solved by a witch trial. I saw Trinket Coralee speaking with the devil!
Clementine:
This is... This is good, I like it here.
Frank:
Sure.
June:
So do we, Clementine.
Clementine:
So we’re celebrating right? Off to the butcher?
June:
Yes!
Clementine’s phone starts ringing.
Frank:
Remind me to get some ribs while we’re there.
June:
Clementine, your phone.
Clementine:
Oh, that’s me. Okay... Let’s see who it-...
June:
Who is it?
Frank:
Clementine?
Clementine:
It’s... It’s my... it says “Mom”.
June:
Oh, right, she’s coming for a visit, right?
Clementine:
She’s what?
Frank:
For her birthday, right?
Clementine:
Her... No.
June:
What?
Clementine:
I... I can’t, I can’t do it.
Frank:
C’mon we love your mom.
June:
Pick up the phone.
Clementine:
I can’t!
Clementine spins back through realities, landing back where she started a few minutes ago. It’s night time and we hear the wind in the trees.
June:
(Far away.) Clementine, let’s go!
Clementine:
I can’t... I can’t leave you out there... I won’t...
The speaker that was crushed by clementine begins to pop and hiss with electricity. Then suddenly...
Zebulon:
Greetings to all who can hear my voice. Let the chimes of freedom ring through the the halls of every home. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Clementine:
Goddamnit.
Effie:
Hey Clementine! Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppt.
Clementine:
GODDAMNIT!
Clementine vanishes.
The end