We're currently in beta! If you find any mistakes in the scripts, please copy the link and send it to
issues@podscripts.app so we can fix it.
Young Leif
Part 8: Earth
The hum of the Nancy Sinatra.
Alice:
So. Pirates, huh?
Leif:
I guess so.
Alice:
... So if you’re a pirate now does that mean I’m the equivalent of the little parrot on your shoulder?
Leif:
No, I don’t think so.
Alice:
... It’s confusing because becoming a pirate is inherently funny, but you don’t seem to want to joke about it.
Leif:
... Not right now.
Alice:
... I know I wasn’t there when you were a prisoner but based on what you’ve told me, there was really no other way out of that situation.
Leif:
I know...
Alice:
But I know you care about Verge. I know it couldn’t have been easy.
Leif:
The problem I seem to be having, is that it was easy.
Alice:
Ah.
Leif:
It worries me sometimes. How easy it is for me to walk away from things.
Alice:
... Leif how deep do you want me to dip into psychotherapeutic response protocols right now?
Leif:
Please don’t. I’ll be fine. Verge’ll be fine. Let’s move on.
Alice:
Okay... According to what you’ve told me, we’ve got about 8 days left of this Rumspringa we’re in.
Leif:
Rumspringa?
Alice:
Yeah. It’s an Earth thing. The Amish do it, you’re familiar?
Leif:
Yeah.
Alice:
Before young people come of age they get a small amount of time to go totally nuts and do all of the not-Amish things they can think of. I guess this period of time Minsky gave you is the opposite, you have a few days to do any non-pirate things until you go full pirate.
Leif:
I see.
Alice:
So what’s on the list?
Leif:
What’s the opposite of being a pirate?
Alice:
I don’t know. Something boring, I guess. You want to go be an accountant for a day? Adjust some insurance claims?
Leif:
No.
Alice:
... Leif, is there anyone you need to say goodbye to?
Leif:
... Yes. But I’m trying to avoid it.
Alice:
Let me know how that goes.
Leif:
What’s the date on Earth?
Alice:
It is November 21st, the year 2000.
Leif:
Shit. Okay.
Alice:
What’s the big deal?
Leif:
Nothing.
Alice:
Oh wait... Okay.
Leif:
What?
Alice:
You need to go home.
Leif:
... Maybe.
Alice:
It makes sense.
Leif:
Does it?
Alice:
Yes. I mean, you should probably check in with people back home since you’re about to be walking around with a peg-leg and a hook for a hand.
Leif:
How many bad pirate jokes do you have in your database exactly?
Alice:
Soooooo many. Incoming call from BertBert.
Leif:
Thank God. Put her through.
Bertbert:
... Oh, hello.
Leif:
Hey, Berts. Who’s trying to kill you this time?
Bertbert:
Only my mother.
Leif:
That sounds complicated.
Bertbert:
She’s a little protective, Leif.
Leif:
I got that sense.
Bertbert:
So I’m sure you can imagine the talking to I got when she found out I was almost executed by the Science Priests of Moog.
Leif:
Kinda wish I was there to see it.
Bertbert:
I’m sure.
Leif:
My name come up at all?
Bertbert:
Oh yes it did, Leif. In fact she wants you to know that she has basically adopted you in absentia. You are her favorite person now, I think she’s trying to get you citizenship.
Leif:
How nice.
Bertbert:
I tried to explain to her that in the process of saving me you also killed literally all of the science priests and destroyed their temple, and, oh, the moral back-bends she did perform, my friend.
Leif:
I feel like what our friendship really needed was your mom saying nice things about me.
Bertbert:
Yeah, there’s a whole new level of loathing I have for you now.
Leif:
So you’re essentially calling to let me know that me saving your life has only made you hate me more.
Bertbert:
Correct.
Leif:
Well, thanks for the update.
Bertbert:
Where are you right now?
Leif:
Fuck, I don’t even know. Alice, where are we?
Alice:
Just outside of Garrion.
Bertbert:
Aha. That explains the talking in real time. I just left Sigius.
Leif:
Where are you headed?
Bertbert:
Literally anywhere. The Sigian government put me in protective custody until the Moog bullshit got ironed out. As soon as they lifted the protection I was out the door, but I don’t have any assignments so I’m killing time by yelling at you.
Leif:
Glad I could help.
Bertbert:
I’d ask you what you were up to but that would make me an accessory to a crime.
Leif:
Yeah... hey... actually... do you want to come to Earth with me?
Bertbert:
Really?
Leif:
Yeah, have you ever been?
Bertbert:
No.
Leif:
There’s a holiday I’m going back for.
Bertbert:
What holiday?
Leif:
Thanksgiving.
Bertbert:
This is the one with the bird? There’s a big bird?
Leif:
Yes, the big bird one.
Bertbert:
Hmm. And that’s all you’re going back for?
Leif:
Yes.
Bertbert:
Zero crime?
Leif:
No crime at all, I promise.
Bertbert:
Well... I guess I should go at least once.
Leif:
Sure.
Bertbert:
For research.
Leif:
Of course.
Bertbert:
Deep background stuff.
Leif:
Whatever that means, sure.
Bertbert:
Okay. When?
Leif:
I’m going to change course right now. Can you meet me at Sirius Station?
Bertbert:
Yeah, okay. Sure.
Leif:
Great.
Bertbert:
One thing though.
Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
I still despise you and everything you stand for.
Leif:
Got it. See you soon.
Later. BertBert is now aboard and talks from the bedroom.
Bertbert:
(From the bedroom.) So anyway, going to Earth is not like going to other places, you have to take a bunch of precautions. Luckily I was able to throw things together at the last minute.
Leif:
Like what, you have to get vaccinations or something?
Bertbert:
(Coming out onto the bedroom.) It’s kind of like going to a national park or something. You have to make sure you’re not going to upset the delicate balance.
Leif:
I think we’re upsetting the delicate balance pretty well on our own.
Bertbert:
I have to get screened for viruses so I don’t unleash some unholy plague on the populace. I have to pass a written test to make sure I’m going to respect cultural norms.
Leif:
We have cultural norms?
Bertbert:
Have you been to Charamy( Shar-may)?
Leif:
No.
Bertbert:
On Charamy they greet each other by spitting on the ground. Stuff like that.
Leif:
I see.
Bertbert:
The most important thing is this...
Beeps as a small device powers up.
Leif:
What’s that?
Bertbert:
It’s an Earthsuit.
Leif:
Is that to protect you from pollution or something?
Bertbert:
No, it’s a disguise.
Leif:
Really?
Bertbert:
Leif. Look at me, I’m from another planet. I can’t walk down main street Earth looking like this.
Leif:
Oh, right.
Bertbert:
Are you sure you’re one of the smartest guys on your planet?
Leif:
There may be some gaps in my awareness.
Bertbert:
When you go to Earth you wear one of these, an Earthsuit. You wear it on your wrist and it generates a field that makes you look like a generic Earthling.
Leif:
Fascinated to know what a generic Earthling looks like, fire it up.
Bertbert:
Here we go. Becoming an Earthling. Very excited to burn fossil fuels and worship some sort of sky god.
Bertbert activates the Earthsuit.
Bertbert:
... Okay.
Leif:
Look at you.
Bertbert:
I’m an Earthling.
Leif:
Yes, you are.
Bertbert:
This is so weird.
Leif:
It’s freaking me out.
Bertbert:
I like my hair, it’s very... Hmmm.
Leif:
What?
Bertbert:
Do I look familiar to you?
Leif:
No.
Alice:
Um...
Bertbert:
What?
Alice:
BertBert, where did you get this Earthsuit from?
Bertbert:
Well, like I said I was in a rush so I had to get a refurbished one at Trunder’s Down Under. What?
Alice:
It may have needed a little more refurbishing.
Bertbert:
Goddamnit. What?
Alice:
Bringing up pictures of Julia Roberts.
Several pictures of julia roberts appear on the heads up display.
Bertbert:
Motherfucker.
Alice:
Yeah.
Bertbert:
I look like Julia Roberts.
Alice:
You look like Julia Roberts.
Bertbert:
I look exactly like Julia Roberts.
Leif:
Is this bad? Who is she?
Bertbert:
Would you watch one movie from your planet, please?
Leif:
I did, I watched Blade Runner, was she in Blade Runner?
Bertbert:
Of course it was Blade Runner.
Leif:
What does that mean?
Alice:
Julia Roberts is currently the highest paid actress on Earth.
Leif:
Good for her.
Bertbert:
Yes, congratulations Julia, but this is bad for me, Leif.
Leif:
Is it?
Bertbert:
The point is for me to be incognito. I can’t go down to Earth as the most recognizable woman on the planet.
Leif:
Julia Roberts is the most recognizable woman on the planet?
Bertbert:
Yes!
Alice:
Actually according to metrics that is technically Oprah Winfrey so... dodged that bullet.
Bertbert:
Thanks.
Leif:
Am I the only one who doesn’t understand the fascination with people who act in movies?
Alice:
Sociologists describe it as an inherent desire in former monarchical societies to have a stand in for a royal family that people can admire.
Leif:
That’s interesting.
Alice:
And then after you’re done admiring them, ridiculing them and ruining their lives.
Leif:
Actually. This might be okay.
Bertbert:
How?
Leif:
You’d be in trouble if we were headed to a normal part of Earth but we are decidedly not doing that.
Bertbert:
We’re not?
Leif:
My parents are societal drop-outs. They don’t have a television, they don’t go to the movies. They don’t participate in popular culture. To them you’d be just another person. We’re not going to be walking down main street Earth, we’re going to be deep in the woods.
Bertbert:
So I’m going to walk in the door and nobody’s going to recognize me even though I’m the second most famous woman on the planet?
Leif:
Yes.
Bertbert:
You’re sure?
Leif:
Pretty sure.
Bertbert:
... Okay... Okay... I mean, I look good.
Alice:
You look great.
Bertbert:
This hair is really something. Let me see if I can do that hair toss she does... is it... like that?
Alice:
Oooh, you’re really close. About 10 degrees to the left.
Bertbert:
Okay, let me try again.
Leif:
What is happening?
Bertbert:
Wait.
Leif:
What?
Bertbert:
I bought a second hand Earthsuit.
Leif:
Yes.
Bertbert:
That just happens to look like a famous actress.
Leif:
Right.
Bertbert:
... This was used for a sex thing, wasn’t it?
Alice:
It was absolutely used for a sex thing.
Bertbert:
UGH!...
Alice:
Sorry.
Bertbert:
No!
Alice:
I mean, maybe not!
Bertbert:
I feel like I’m covered in goo now!
Alice:
But you don’t look like you’re covered in goo, and that’s the important part.
Bertbert:
This is the type of dirty that doesn’t wash off.
Alice:
I loved you in the Pelican Brief.
Bertbert:
Alice.
Alice:
Sorry.
Leif:
Think of it this way, at least you’re not a prisoner of the Science Priests of Moog.
Bertbert:
That experience did considerably lower the bar on just about everything.
Leif:
Perspective is a magical thing, isn’t it?
Alice:
We’ve cleared the warp gate. We’re now inbound for Earth.
Bertbert:
... Hey, Leif, do you mind if I ask you something?
Leif:
Go for it.
Bertbert:
How come Verge isn’t standing here looking like Julia Roberts right now?
Leif:
Not really their style, I don’t think.
Bertbert:
Leif.
Leif:
...
Bertbert:
What happened?
Leif:
... One of the first things I learned was Newton’s Law of Motion. I’m a little jealous of Newton. Things were a lot simpler for him. An apple falls on your head, you write a few things about it, and just like that you’re a god of physics... The laws of motion are simple and elegant and, for me, infuriating. In a nutshell the laws of motion say: if you do something, something will happen. And I really hate that. Because I can control wether or not I do something but I have zero control over what happens when I do it. And that very simple, very basic thing, that thing that everyone accepts... It just makes me want to yell at the stars. Why is the designing principle of this universe so fucking terrible? Why does this universe only work if everything is completely out of our control? It’s not a mode of being, it’s a hostage situation.
Bertbert:
Could you maybe say that again but wear a little beret and smoke a cigarette while your doing it?
Leif:
I’m being serious.
Bertbert:
I know. Look... You’re right. My first few years out here in the wider world have really taken a tire iron to my idealism... I believed something really simple: people should know what’s happening in their world. It’ll inform their decisions. I believed in it so much that I almost died for it, as you recall... Lately I’ve reached this point where I’ve been wondering, “Am I doing anything?” “Is any of this having the intended effect?” “Am I, when I do anything, really just spinning some random wheel of results?”
Leif:
And what if that’s all you’re doing?
Bertbert:
You mean what if I put on the beret and smoke the cigarette?
Leif:
Yes.
Bertbert:
... It makes sense to me. What I do makes sense to me, at least. Maybe I don’t focus on the results too much, maybe I focus on the work that I do. The results are never up to me, so I should abandon that fight and focus on what I believe in. And despite my cynicism, I believe in it... So what do you believe in, Leif?
Leif:
... I don’t know.
Bertbert:
Ah. And with that we reach the nougat-y center of your problem, my friend... by the way this is a very weird way to tell me that you two broke up.
Leif:
I know. We did. We broke up. It hasn’t been great.
Bertbert:
I’m sorry... And now you’re going home, and home is complicated, and you need a buffer.
Leif:
I suppose so.
Bertbert:
A buffer in the form of me: world famous actress, Julia Roberts.
Leif:
Yes.
Bertbert:
Okay... Let’s go to Earth, weirdo.
The sound of the forest. In the distance we can hear music and a party. Leif and BertBert walk through the forest.
Bertbert:
Wow. This is remote.
Leif:
Yeah. There’s actually a weed farm there, over there, and right over that ridge.
Bertbert:
Really?
Leif:
They keep the trees high around it so you can only see it from the air. You can see my parents house because they don’t grow weed.
Bertbert:
So, where do they think you’ve been? I’m assuming you didn’t tell them you were leaving the planet.
Leif:
McMurdo Station.
Bertbert:
What is that?
Leif:
It’s a research station in Antarctica. I told them I was building a CMB telescope.
Bertbert:
Is that where those little things are? What do you call them, they look like they’re wearing a tuxedo?
Leif:
Penguins.
Bertbert:
That’s it.
Leif:
Yeah, there’s a lot of them there.
Bertbert:
You’ve been gone for how many years now?
Leif:
About six.
Bertbert:
... And they never checked on you?
Leif:
They don’t have a phone.
Bertbert:
What if they wrote you a letter or something?
Leif:
My father thinks the government reads his mail, he doesn’t trust it.
Bertbert:
Jesus, Leif, is your father a criminal too?
Leif:
No. Just someone who thinks he’s important.
Bertbert:
Oof. That’s quite a description of your own father, Leif.
Leif:
... I liked visiting your parents.
Bertbert:
You did?
Leif:
Yeah. I know they drive you crazy but they’re... It’s not going to be like that in there, okay?
Bertbert:
This is really difficult for you, isn’t it?
Leif:
... Yeah.
Bertbert:
Okay... Look. It’s a party. We’ll go in there, we’ll have a drink, we’ll do a round, we’ll get the fuck out. I know the drill on this.
Leif:
You’re not going to feel obligated to stay longer?
Bertbert:
Hey. I’m Julia Roberts, I do whatever the fuck I want...
They stop walking.
Bertbert:
What’s that? “Cell Phones Here”.
Leif:
That’s new.
Bertbert:
You guys are adorable with your cellular technology, by the way.
Leif:
It’s all the rage these days. This is my mom.
Bertbert:
She doesn’t like cell phones?
Leif:
Electricity in general. She thinks she has something called Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity.
Bertbert:
Alice?
Alice:
Electromagnetic hypersensitivity or EHS is a claimed sensitivity to electromagnetic fields.
Bertbert:
Humans have that?
Leif:
Alice, do humans have that?
Alice:
Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is not an accepted diagnosis on Earth.
Leif:
She heard about it one time and thinks she has it now.
Bertbert:
Seriously?
Leif:
Yeah.
Bertbert:
Leif.
Leif:
What?
Bertbert:
You make things. Things that use electricity. And your father rejects technology and your mother thinks it makes her sick?
Leif:
Yeah.
Bertbert:
Wow... Is there going to be booze here?
Leif:
Yeah. It’ll be homemade but it’ll be there.
Bertbert:
Okay. I’m not going to lie, I was looking forward to watching you twist in the wind a little bit around your parents but this is a bit much.
Leif:
Has to be done.
Bertbert:
Okay, we’re officially a strike team now. Operation: Big Bird. Get in, get out, disappear, right?
Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Alice, keep it quiet in there, you’re going to freak people out.
Alice:
No problem.
Bertbert:
I’m feeling a little dizzy right now, anyone else feeling dizzy?
Leif:
No.
The front door opens.
Bertbert:
I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s do this.
Mom:
Leif?
Leif:
...Hey.
Mom:
Oh my God.
Leif:
Sorry for the surprise. I just happened to be stateside and I looked at the calendar.
Mom:
Come here...
They hug.
Mom:
I can’t believe it.
Leif:
It is kind of hard to keep you updated.
Mom:
I know, you’re right, I’m just so glad to see you.
Leif:
It’s good to see you, too.
Mom:
Who’s you’re friend?
Leif:
Oh, right. Mom this is my friend, uh, Julia.
Bertbert:
Hi there. I’m Julia. You have a lovely home.
Mom:
Oh, well... Yes, thank you... Julia.
Leif:
Let’s go inside.
Mom:
You don’t have one of those terrible cell phones people are getting now, do you?
Alice:
How dare you?
Leif:
Nope.
Mom:
Alright. Oh, Leif, do me a favor and go say hello to your father first.
Leif:
He’s not inside?
Mom:
No, he’s been having trouble with the south fence.
Leif:
Again?
Mom:
Yes, I don’t know what it is, it’s the same old problem over and over again.
Leif:
Great.
Mom:
Maybe you can help him out.
Leif:
Why is he fixing a fence during a party?
Mom:
You know how he is. He’d love to see you. Julia, what don’t you come inside, I’ll get you some Pineapple wine.
Bertbert:
Uhh, Okay? (To Leif.) I was not expecting to fly solo on this one.
Leif:
Typical celebrity, hiding behind your proxies.
Bertbert:
Fuck you, dude.
Leif:
Hopefully this won’t take long.
Bertbert:
Give me Alice, in case I need to look something up.
Leif:
Where’s your Tangle?
Bertbert:
It’s back at the ship.
Leif:
Why is it back at the ship?
Bertbert:
Because my Tangle hates me, okay? Give it to me.
Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Hurry back.
Leif:
Good luck.
Mom:
Come on in!
Bertbert:
Oh, God.
They walk inside the house. The music gets a little louder.
Mom:
Everyone, this is Julia, Leif’s girlfriend!
Bertbert:
I’m not uh, Hello!
Mom:
Come into the kitchen.
Bertbert:
Okay.
Mom is STIRRING a large pitcher.
Mom:
Leif’s father is always coming home with things. Scrap metal or something he found on the side of the road. He thinks we waste too much as a society and we should try and keep things out of all these landfills that are overflowing. Anyway, a few days ago he came home with twenty cans of pineapples. And I didn’t know what to do with them so I just figured: you can make wine out of anything, why not pineapples?
Mom pours her a drink.
Bertbert:
Pineapples? I’m sure that’s something that will not somehow kill me.
Alice:
(Whispering.) You’re fine.
Bertbert:
I’m sure I’ll be fine.
Bertbert drinks.
Bertbert:
... That’s pretty good.
Mom:
So... (Keeping her voice down.) I’m sorry, this is driving me crazy, how in the WORLD did you meet my son?
Bertbert:
What do you mean?
Mom:
I mean you’re... (Lowering her voice.) You’re Julia Roberts.
Bertbert:
Oh, fucking hell.
Mom:
Don’t worry, don’t worry, I won’t say anything, I promise. I know it must be terrible, people recognizing you all day long. I just... I’m such a big fan.
Bertbert:
Well... thank you... it’s always nice meeting a fan.
Mom:
I mean, of ALL the people I thought Leif would come home with.
Bertbert:
You know, Leif assured me that his parents didn’t watch TV or go to the movies.
Mom:
Yes, well... I may have a moment of weakness from time to time when I’m in town.
Bertbert:
You sneaky devil you.
Mom:
I know. I really shouldn’t. I have this condition, I’m supposed to stay away from anything that uses electricity, but when one of your movies comes out I think it’s worth the risk.
Bertbert:
Maybe not all of my movies.
Mom:
I get a massive migraine afterward, I have to rest for two days but it is always worth it.
Bertbert:
Wow. Is it okay to do that?
Mom:
Well it’s probably not okay for us to be drinking this pineapple wine, but here we are!
Bertbert:
Okay.
Mom:
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I can’t believe you’re here.
Bertbert:
Hey, I’m a human being on the planet earth just like you, right? I didn’t come from space or something.
Mom:
I suppose. I loved the last one, about the bride?
Alice:
(Whispering) Runaway Bride.
Bertbert:
Runaway Bride.
Mom:
Yes. That’s it. So great. And what is that man’s name?
Alice:
(Whispering) Richard Geere.
Bertbert:
Richard Geere.
Mom:
Yes! That’s it. What’s he like?
Alice:
(Whispering) Buddhist.
Bertbert:
You know, he’s a Buddhist.
Mom:
No.
Alice:
(Whispering) Yes.
Bertbert:
Yes.
Mom:
You have to tell me everything.
Bertbert:
Well that depends, Mom. How much pineapple wine have you got?
Leif trudges through the back forty of the farm. We hear hammering among the sounds of the forest.
Leif:
Hey, Dad.
Dad:
... You’re here.
Leif:
I’m here.
Dad:
Didn’t know you were coming.
Leif:
You know, you can have a phone at your house and still be an anti-capitalist.
Dad:
Very funny... Staying long?
Leif:
No, I’ve got to get back... I’m starting a new project soon so I wanted to check in beforehand.
Dad:
Check in.
Leif:
Yeah. It’s Thanksgiving, I thought I would check in.
Dad:
Well thanks for checking in...
Leif:
... So, the back fence is still giving you trouble, huh?
Dad:
I don’t know what it is. Joyriders, new neighbors. People have been knocking this fence over for years.
Leif:
Are you sure someone’s knocking it over?
Dad:
You’re going to come back after a few years and tell me what’s going on with my own fence?
Leif:
Okay...
Dad:
... So, how’s life out there?
Leif:
Out there?
Dad:
Where is it again? Alaska?
Leif:
Antarctica.
Dad:
Right. And you’re building a what?
Leif:
CMB Telescope.
Dad:
A telescope. Okay. You know if we spent half the time looking at the stars as we did our own planet-
Leif:
-We wouldn’t have half the problems we have now, yes, I’ve heard this somewhere before.
Dad:
Well I’m sorry if I’m boring you.
Leif:
Dad. Do you need help with the fence?
Dad:
I’m almost done.
Leif:
Okay... Okay well, good talk.
Dad:
Where have you really been, Leif?
Leif:
What do you mean?
Dad:
You know how I feel about the mail. But then your mother confesses to me a few months ago that she’s been writing you letters. She went down to the library, managed to get an address for this place, wherever it is.
Leif:
McMurdo Station.
Dad:
They were all returned. All the letters were coming back, there was no one there to deliver them to... So where have you been?
Leif:
I’m sure you can imagine sending mail to the bottom of the world can be a little tricky.
Dad:
Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot.
Leif:
What do you think I’m trying to get away with?
Dad:
You think I don’t know what the US Government likes to do with young engineers?
Leif:
I’m not working for the government.
Dad:
You’ve worked for the government before.
Leif:
There was some funding from the government, that’s not “working for the government”.
Dad:
That’s how they get you. They offer some pocket change and then take over completely, your mother is the trusting one, not me. I know how things work.
Leif:
Yeah, I imagine you’ve developed a lot of political acumen out here in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Dad:
I observe from the outside. I’m not blinded by the usual shit that jams people up. And don’t call this place the middle of nowhere, the whole world used to look like this, you know.
Leif:
Yes and then time passed. You want everyone in the world to live on a farm?
Dad:
The world would be a better place if they did.
Leif:
But then you’d have no one to complain about, Dad. How would you live?
Dad:
Don’t be a smart ass. The Industrial Revolution was the biggest mistake this civilization ever made.
Leif:
That may be true but it did provide you things like the posts for this fence, the wire for this fence, and also the hammer that you were just using on the fence.
Dad:
So you’re not going to tell me where you’ve been?
Leif:
I’ve already told you where I’ve been, it sounds like you’re upset because I’ve been hanging out with penguins.
Dad:
Ridiculous. You really think we’re idiots, don’t you?
Leif:
Jesus, Dad-
Dad:
You go off and get a college degree while you’re still a teenager and now we’re all idiots.
Leif:
I’ve never said that.
Dad:
Allow me to say a thing or two. Since I’m the dumb one, right? That’s me? Let me say a thing or two about this government job that you definitely don’t have.
Leif:
I really don’t.
Dad:
War is coming back... I saw it in the 60s and I’m seeing it again now.
Leif:
C’mon.
Dad:
What? You think because it’s the year 2000 that we don’t go to war anymore?
Leif:
Go to war with who?
Dad:
Doesn’t matter. We’ll find somebody. Ask yourself if anything you’re working on right now can be dropped on a village somewhere.
Leif:
This is ridiculous. I don’t even need to be here for this conversation.
Dad:
Well then why’d you come back to see me, Leif?
Leif:
I didn’t come back to see you.
Dad:
Fine. Go talk to your mother, then. She always bought your bullshit.
Leif:
Yeah, okay. Good luck with the fence.
Dad:
A man has to live in accordance with his beliefs, kid. That’s what I’m doing. What do you believe?
Leif:
... What I believe is that no one has ever knocked down your fence. Your fence is in an erosion zone and every time it rains the ground slips away and the fence falls down. What I believe is that you can’t seem to exist without designating someone as “the enemy”. Why you decided it should be your son is beyond me... Goodbye, Dad.
Back at the party. Bertbert is a little drunk and has gone “Full Julia”.
Bertbert:
...So we’re on set, it’s been a long morning and we decide to break for lunch. Everyone had always told me “Christopher Walken is always drunk. He shows up drunk, he’s drunk all day, he goes to back to his room drunk. Be ready for it.” But we’d been shooting for two weeks and I hadn’t noticed anything. But we break for lunch that day and in the middle of the lunch area is this huge fountain. Instead of getting anything for lunch, Christopher Walken, still in full costume, climbs into the fountain and lowers himself into the water, keeping just his two eyes above the surface. He sits in the water like that for the entire lunch break and everyone just kind of ignores him so I ignore him too. Lunch break ends, Christopher Walken climbs out of the water, and he’s instantly surrounded by the wardrobe people, they’ve got a hair dryer on him, they’re wrapping him in paper towels. And with a big smile on his face he says to them: “For lunch, I was a alligator.”
Mom:
So he was drunk the whole time and you didn’t know it?
Bertbert:
No clue, and I know what it looks like when someone’s drunk on set, I’ve worked with Nick Nolte.
Leif:
Hey you two.
Bertbert:
There he is!
Mom:
Hey, Sweetie. Did you find him?
Leif:
Yes.
Bertbert:
How’s dad?
Leif:
The same.
Mom:
Well you sit right here, I’m going to get us all some more wine.
Bertbert:
That’s and excellent idea, Mom!
Leif:
Alice, what’s happened to BertBert?
Alice:
Funny story. Turns out when Sigians encounter the higher oxygen content of Earth’s atmosphere, they get a little loopy.
Bertbert:
Lewps.
Alice:
That coupled with whatever prison hooch your mom has whipped up and we are off to the races, my dude.
Bertbert:
(Not totally fine.) You know what, I’ve heard the stories of Sigians getting weird in Earth atmosphere, but guess what? I’m totally fine.
Mom:
Okay, here we go.
Bertbert:
I love pineapples. Why don’t they have pineapples where I’m from? They should. All those islands?
Mom:
Oh, where are you from?
Alice:
(Whispering.) Georgia.
Bertbert:
Georgia. The islands of Georgia. They have them.
Leif:
Mom, we should probably go.
Mom:
But you just got here.
Leif:
Yes but, we have to go swing by Julia’s parent’s place as well.
Mom:
Oh, are they nearby?
Bertbert:
They’re in Georgia.
Mom:
That’s... that’s across the country.
Leif:
Private jet!
Bertbert:
Private Jet is the answer to that question, because I am Julia Roberts, a movie star from Earth.
Mom:
That’s very fancy.
Leif:
Don’t tell Dad, okay?
Mom:
No, no of course. Let me walk you out, okay?
Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Oooh. That means I’m going to have to stand up. That’s a terrifying prospect.
Alice:
You can do it.
Bertbert:
Give me some motivation.
Alice:
You’re rising from your seat to give your Oscar speech.
Bertbert:
Now we’re talking, I can feel it in my hands...
Leif and mom are walking away from the house with Bertbert following far behind.
Mom:
You and your father fought again, didn’t you?
Leif:
We did.
Mom:
I’m sorry. For some reason I think that’s better than not seeing each other at all.
Leif:
He really doesn’t like me, Mom.
Mom:
Honey, that’s not true.
Leif:
You saying it’s not true doesn’t fix it.
Mom:
I know.
Leif:
The man genuinely does not like me.
Mom:
I think he has a hard time letting you be who you are. I think he was expecting someone he could pass down all his knowledge to, and pick up where he left off at the farm. But you... You could not have been more different from your surroundings. It’s like you fell from space... I do wish you hadn’t wanted to leave so quickly. You were so young. I thought I’d have a few more years with you.
Leif:
I know... I make things, Mom. I make things with technology. Electricity, electromagnetism. I use batteries and reactors and irradiated rays of light... And I’m really good at it.
Mom:
I know you are, Honey.
Leif:
And what do you do when the one thing you’re good at makes your father angry and your mom sick?... I had to go.
Mom:
... I’ll work on the technology stuff okay?
Leif:
Don’t worry about it.
Mom:
Maybe I’ll get a blender, I hear those are nice.
Leif:
Mom. It’s fine.
Mom:
... I really like Julia.
Leif:
She’s great.
Bertbert:
I really like you, Mom!
Mom:
I’m not going to see you for a while, am I?
Leif:
It’s going to be a while.
Mom:
I’m so glad you came.
Leif:
Me too.
Mom:
Can you do me a favor?
Leif:
Sure.
Mom:
I worry about all sorts of things, Leif. But with you, the thing I worry about the most is loneliness. No matter where you end up going with this life of yours can you promise... make yourself a home among people. Can you do that for me? Or at least try? I worry about you being alone more than anything.
Leif:
... I’ll try.
The door to the nancy sinatra slides open.
Bertbert:
So the brother she’s engaged to leaves on the train and she’s trying to get out of the station but the soldiers stop her and ask for her papers. Right then Michael Collins, the OTHER brother, comes up to her and says- (Irish accent.) “Lads, lads, Can a man not say goodbye to his wife in peace?” And he KISSES her. The soldiers move on, she pushes him away and says- (Irish accent.) “Where I come from they call it takin’ liberties.” So my question is, what is it about making out with someone that gets you through government checkpoints on Earth?
Leif:
That doesn’t sound like the most historically accurate movie in the world.
Bertbert:
I mean, if her accent is any indication.
Alice:
Congratulations, you two. We have made it through Operation: Big Bird.
Bertbert:
We did it!
Leif:
Thanks for coming with me.
Bertbert:
You know, as a world famous actress, it is hard to find space in my schedule but you have to make time for the little people, you know what I mean?
Leif:
Your fans love that about you.
Bertbert:
I suppose I should turn this Earthsuit off now but... I don’t know, I’m going to miss it. What’s it like dating a movie star?
Leif:
It’s stressful.
Bertbert:
Yes, I know, Leif. My life is complicated, but in the end I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to lover her.
Leif:
This is from a movie?
Alice:
She’s doing Notting Hill.
Leif:
BertBert, seriously, thank you for coming with me.
Bertbert:
You saving me from certain doom, me pretending to be Julia Roberts at your parents’ house. I feel like we’re even.
Leif:
Yeah...
Bertbert:
Things didn’t go too well with Dad?
Leif:
They went how I expected them to. Just had to get it out of the way.
Bertbert:
Leif, look, you’re a criminal and a degenerate.
Leif:
Thanks.
Bertbert:
But there’s no reason for your dad to not love you. That’s his problem, not yours. You’re an easy person to love.
Leif:
... Thanks.
Bertbert:
...
Leif:
...
Bertbert:
Are we supposed to make out right now?
Leif:
I don’t know.
Bertbert:
Neither do I... I’m going to stick a pin in this conversation.
Leif:
Good.
Bertbert:
And by “stick a pin in it” I mean “Go to sleep and probably forget it ever happened.”
Leif:
Even better.
Bertbert:
Okay. I’m going to go pass out.
Leif:
Okay.
Bertbert:
Let me know when we arrive wherever we’re going.
Leif:
I will.
Bertbert:
Goodnight, Alice.
Alice:
Goodnight!
Leif:
Let’s get out of here, Alice.
Alice:
Engaging RADAR jammers. The sky is clear.
Leif:
Goodbye, Earth.
Thruster fire on the Nancy Sinatra.
Leif:
... Alice?
Alice:
Yes?
Leif:
Can I leave a message for BertBert but have it delivered later?
Alice:
Of course.
Leif:
Deliver this message two days from now, okay?
Alice:
Sure.
Leif:
... Hey BertBert... There’s something I need to tell you...
The end