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Midnight Burger
Chapter 25: Your Mom.
The sound of gloria scrubbing the grill.
Caspar:
Hey.
Gloria:
Hey.
Caspar:
... You want me to do that?
Gloria:
No, I need to do it.
Caspar:
... So Leif and Ava are still upstairs.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Caspar:
... What do you think they’re talking about?
Gloria:
Even if we knew what they were talking about we wouldn’t know what they were talking about.
Caspar:
True.
Gloria:
I sent them up there with the radio. I told them not to talk to me until the Mucklewains can understand what they’re talking about. They’re going to be a while.
Caspar:
Not a bad idea... So I was gone when you declared war on an intergalactic empire.
Gloria:
We missed you.
Caspar:
I get the feeling that when you made that decision, you acted a little like this.
Gloria:
Like what?
Caspar:
Focused. Focused Gloria.
Gloria:
Yeah, sure.
Caspar:
And now you’ve decided we’re going after Clementine and you’re very grill focused.
Gloria:
Ava has a booth, Leif has a roof, I have a grill. What do you have?
Caspar:
I mean, I keep trying to talk to you about a pinball machine.
Gloria:
Find something else.
Caspar:
Ski ball?
Gloria:
Caspar.
Caspar:
Are you sure this is the right move?
Gloria:
Look, that asteroid yesterday? It may not have even been there until she talked to two people a a bar about asteroids. She got the word “asteroid” in her head, and then accidentally made one. Somebody’s got to do something and there’s nobody else who can. What do you want me to do? Call Jean Claude Van Damme Time Cop?
Caspar:
I’m not saying you should call Jean Claude Van Damme Time Cop, I’m asking if we should be going after this woman without knowing exactly what she’s capable of. According to Ava she made two universes collide.
Gloria:
Well maybe that’s easier than it sounds.
The backdoor swings open.
Leif:
You’re out of your mind.
Ava:
YOU’RE out of YOU’RE mind.
Leif:
Gloria, she’s out of her mind.
Gloria:
Hang on, hang on. Am I going to understand this?
Ava:
The Mucklewains can officially understand what we’re talking about.
Zebulon:
We can.
Effie:
And we hate it.
Ava:
You did not say the Mucklewains needed to like it, you said they needed to understand it.
Gloria:
Okay, fine. Let’s hear it.
Leif:
She wants to make wind chimes.
Gloria:
What?
Leif:
You remember our friends The Teds. Remember how they trapped us using a very dangerous experiment with Time Crystals?
Gloria:
Yes.
Leif:
Ava wants to do the same thing.
Ava:
There’s some kind of relationship between Clementine and the damage to the fabric of space time that we’ve been seeing. I don’t know what it is, though.
Caspar:
By the way, can we come up with a term for the damage to the fabric of space time? I feel like there should be a term for it.
Ava:
We’ve seen the diner be able to fix the damage. The shopzies were all trapped inside the diner and they were fixed.
Gloria:
We’re not calling them that.
Caspar:
But yesterday I pulled a whole bunch of the meteor people in here and they were still seeing the meteor.
Ava:
Right. Because in that situation you would have to put literally every person on Earth in the diner for the diner to heal the damage to the fabric of space time.
Caspar:
Is that true?
Ava:
Who knows? ANYWAY. Theoretically if we can keep Clementine here for a while, we may be able to throw water on the witch, if you know what I mean.
Gloria:
She can vanish any time she wants, she’s a little hard to keep here.
Leif:
Can you see where she’s going with this?
Ava:
We zip around through space and time as well. And what did the Teds do to us?
Gloria:
Trapped us in three galaxies.
Ava:
Right!
Gloria:
You want to trap her in three galaxies?
Ava:
No, I want to trap her here.
Caspar:
Wow, I really hate this idea.
Gloria:
The thing The Teds built was huge. We can’t build something like that.
Ava:
We wouldn’t need to. I suspect the Teds’ wind chimes were so big because of scale. They needed to cast a wide net. We don’t need to cast a wide net, we just need her to stay either in here or in the parking lot long enough for the diner to zap her.
Caspar:
Then what? You put her on a slab and dissect her?
Ava:
Preferably.
Gloria:
So, what is the problem with this plan?
Zebulon:
Well, firstly we would be using the tools of our enemy to do our good work.
Effie:
And another, I don’t want this woman within 5 miles of these front doors.
Leif:
And my thing is, it’s impossible to make and also incredibly dangerous.
Ava:
It’s not impossible to make.
Gloria:
Is it incredibly dangerous?
Ava:
It may be incredibly dangerous but it’s not hard to make.
Leif:
Oh really? Because before we make a time crystal we’re going to have to make a quantum computer FROM SCRATCH.
Ava:
Putting photons in a superposition is not hard.
Leif:
No, it’s not hard. Producing entanglement is hard.
Ava:
I’m hearing a lot of “can’t” from you.
Leif:
Single photon emitter, beam splitter, camera detector, KLM protocol, you want me to keep going?
Ava:
Eye of newt?
Leif:
Also NMR isn’t going to do it so you’re going to have to trap ions. Are you going to fabricate components and make a dedicated dilution refrigerator? Are you going to put everything in a vacuum chamber to contain the noise?
Ava:
Will you be inside the vacuum chamber?
Leif:
Oh, and, by the way, everything will have to be kept just slightly above absolute zero so it’ll need comprehensive environmental controls.
Ava:
I think you need comprehensive environmental controls.
Gloria:
Well, it’s a shame you can’t do it, Leif.
Leif:
No reverse psychology!... Of course I can do it. But if I’m just salvaging from whatever Earth we land on, it’s going to take a while before I have everything we need. This is a long list.
Gloria:
Well, it’s the only option we have right now so work as fast as you can.
Leif:
...Fine. Just one final warning. Working with time crystals, like we’re about to, it’s banned in The Triad for a reason. Experiments like this once turned an entire planet into a black hole. I’m sure we don’t want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner.
Ava:
I mean...
Leif:
I’m sure most of us don’t want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner.
Gloria:
Again, it’s the only option we have. If you come up with something else, let me know. Effie, where are we going?
Effie:
I detect a great gateway, Gloria. And great beginnings.
Leif:
Here comes the boom.
The diner sets down on solid ground and we hear the sound of a big musical thud coming from the front of the diner.
Leif:
What was that?
Gloria:
Did that come from the front?
Leif:
Uh... Come out here.
Gloria:
What is it?
Caspar:
What the hell?
Leif:
How...
Zebulon:
Leif, that appears to be a piano in the middle of the dining room.
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Where did it come from?
Leif:
I have no idea.
Effie:
Y’all are we going to have to start looking out for pianos falling on us now?
Zebulon:
Are we not enduring enough?
Gloria:
Caspar?
Caspar:
I had to endure all sorts of things through the years but there was never a sudden piano.
Gloria:
Huh.
Leif:
Huh.
Caspar:
Hmm.
Gloria:
Well, can anyone play the piano?
Caspar:
Ava can.
Gloria:
Really?
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
You can.
Ava:
How did you know that?
Caspar:
You told me.
Ava:
When?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Leif:
When did you learn to play the piano?
Ava:
When I was a kid.
Leif:
Oh, so you can play Jingle Bells or whatever.
Ava:
No, I can play more than that.
Leif:
How much can you play?
Ava:
I feel uncomfortable.
Caspar:
Why?
Ava:
I don’t know. Why did I tell you that?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Effie:
Ava, I had no idea you were a musician, that’s awful nice.
Ava:
I’m not. I’m not a musician. I can play the piano, okay?
Caspar:
Why is this making you so uncomfortable?
Ava:
Because everyone’s looking at me and not looking at the sudden piano. Isn’t the sudden piano weirder than me being able to play it?
Gloria:
... No.
Leif:
You being able to play the piano is somehow weirder that one appearing out of thin air.
Ava:
I think that just makes you the weird one.
Leif:
No, it’s still you.
Gloria:
Okay, whatever. There’s a piano here. Okay.
Leif:
Play something on the piano.
Ava:
No.
Leif:
C’mon.
Ava:
Don’t say c’mon to me.
Gloria:
What kind of piano player were you?
Ava:
There are kinds?
Gloria:
Yeah, like, Jazz or were you one of those genius kids you played the moonlight sonata when the were 4?
Ava:
I took piano lessons, I play the piano, can we stop talking about it?
Leif:
Just play a short thing.
Zebulon:
I would love to hear Ava play the piano.
Effie:
I would too dear, if only because it appears to upset her very much.
Ava:
I’m not playing the piano.
Leif:
C’mon.
Ava:
Stop.
Caspar:
I don’t think this is going to stop until you play something.
Gloria:
How else are we really going to know?
Caspar:
Do you know any Warren Zevon?
Ava:
Jesus fucking-, here, fine. Fine.
Ava slams open the cover of the piano, plays the fastest 16 bars of piano music ever heard, then slams the cover back down again.
Leif:
Wow!
Ava:
I’m having a cigarette.
Door chime.
Effie:
Well that was quite a performance.
Gloria:
Why does she hate knowing how to play the piano?
Zebulon:
I wish I could play the piano.
Leif:
Me too, what’s going on?
Gloria:
We should ask her...
Leif:
...
Effie:
...
Caspar:
What? Oh. That’s my job?
Gloria:
Yes.
Caspar:
Why is it my job?
Gloria:
Because you’re the guy in the self-defense class who puts on the puffy suit and people beat the crap out of.
Caspar:
Am I?
Gloria:
Yes.
Leif:
Put on a helmet and pads and get in there.
Caspar:
Okay fine.
Door chime. We hear the sound of a large city.
Caspar:
Hello. How are things out here?... Any idea where we are?... You know what’s funny? Here we are, the sun is setting, and we show up in places at all times of day but we say “we open at 6”. Which we hardly ever do, so I don’t know where that came from. Then I remember I was here for about a lifetime before you showed up so... probably me?... Ava what’s wrong, why did you get mad at a sudden piano?... Okay... Oh hey, that’s the Gateway Arch, we’re in St. Louis... Oh, we’re in St. Louis... Where you are from.
Ava:
Stop knowing things about me.
Caspar:
Ava, you’ve been here a few years now, I’m going to know things about you.
Ava:
Take the things you know about me out of your head.
Caspar:
Look, if I could take the things I know out of my head, where you were born and your piano skills are low on the list.
Ava:
What else do you know about me?
Caspar:
I don’t know. That’s not how brains work.
Ava:
It’s how mine works.
Caspar:
I mean real brains though, ones that aren’t fueled by coffee, cigarettes, and pure darkness.
Ava:
... Stop knowing things about me.
Caspar:
You know things about me. Do you want to know more things about me? I like birds.
Ava:
... I just... I hate so much that I know that about you now.
Caspar:
I have assigned a bird to everyone in the diner, would you like to know what your bird is?
Ava:
I’d rather have my organs removed... what year do you think it is?
We hear groups of people talking as they walk into the diner.
Caspar:
How would I know? Hi there, folks. Welcome to Midnight Burger... Wow, influx of customers all of a sudden... I’m going to say late seventies judging by the clothes people are wearing.
Ava:
Hm...
Caspar:
Weird being back home?
Ava:
I doubt it’s back home.
Caspar:
Okay... Okay well this has been fun. I love it when we talk. I’ll be inside.
Door chime. The sound of the diner filling up with people.
Caspar:
Hey, lot of people all of a sudden.
Leif:
Yeah, have you got this? I’ve got a ton of work to do now that we’ve decided to make this ill-advised attempt at capturing Clementine.
Caspar:
Yeah, should be fine.
Leif:
Thanks.
Caspar:
... Uh, Mucklewains it’s looking like Saint Louis in the mid 70s, I don’t know how they’re going to react to The Hour of Power but hey you never-
Radio static crackles from the radio.
Caspar:
Oh, jeez.
Zebulon:
It is six-o-five in the PM here in lovely Saint Louis, it’s Friday night and the feeling is right and we want to make sure that you’ve got the sound you need to keep the party going until the break of dawn. This is the Disco Funkslinger and I’m ready to get funked up with you. Up next is OTE with “Sea Lion.”
Caspar:
Who?
Song: OTE, Sea Lion.
Caspar:
Okay, whatever.
Caspar walks into the kitchen.
Caspar:
Hey.
Gloria:
Hey.
Caspar:
Leif is on the roof, Ava’s being weird, and I think the Mucklewains have turned into some sort of 70’s disc jockey situation.
Gloria:
Okay. Kind of a big crowd.
Caspar:
It’s weird, right?
Gloria:
It’s nice. I’d like to do some normal restaurant shit for a second.
Caspar:
Me too, honestly. Not that I’ve ever done that but I’d love to see what it’s like.
Gloria:
Well go on, get me some orders.
Caspar:
Here I go.
Caspar walks into the dining room.
Caspar:
Hey there, welcome to Midnight Burger, what can I get you?
Milly:
I’m actually waiting for someone.
Caspar:
That’s fine. You want to wait?
Milly:
I... Don’t know if they’re coming.
Caspar:
Okay. That sounds...
Milly:
What?
Caspar:
...Nothing. Um... How about this, order some food. The food’s good here. If they don’t show at least you had some food.
Milly:
Okay. Um... Is it weird to have breakfast at night?
Caspar:
It’s five AM somewhere.
Milly:
Great. Okay uh. Pancakes.
Caspar:
Side of strawberry jam?
Milly:
Yes. How did you know?
Caspar:
Lucky guess. I’ll bring it right out.
Radio crackles again.
Effie:
Saint Louis, this is Saren Farbeyondthestars and I am sending out all the love I’ve got tonight. It is Friday I hope you’re headed out, and hey if you’re not headed out that’s fine too, nothing wrong with a night in, watching a little WKRP, why not? In fact, I’m going to start with everyone not going out tonight, I’m going to send this one out to you. Here is Tellsonic with “Rain on a Sunny Day.”
Caspar:
Never heard of ‘em... Hey. Pancakes for table 12. Side of strawberry jam.
Gloria:
What’s that about?
Caspar:
She likes jam in between two pancakes and syrup on the top.
Gloria:
Okay I kind of get that... What else?
Caspar:
It’s my mom... My mom is here.
Gloria:
Shut up.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Let me see... Well look at that, it’s your nose.
Caspar:
There’s my nose.
Gloria:
Did she live in Saint Louis?
Caspar:
No, I don’t know what she’s doing here. Although Effie and Zebulon are playing “the hits” and it’s music that never existed so I think we’re somewhere to the left of our home dimension.
Gloria:
Are you born yet?
Caspar:
I would be. Odds are I’m at a neighbor’s place or something.
Gloria:
Where’s dad?
Caspar:
Never knew him.
Gloria:
Ah. Sorry.
Caspar:
It’s fine. I mean, look at me, I turned out fine, right?
Gloria:
No.
Caspar:
No, I did not. Though I doubt him being around would’ve changed things.
Gloria:
So she’s just here by herself?
Caspar:
She’s meeting somebody.
Gloria:
Oh God, are you going to have to watch your mom go on a date?
Caspar:
Maybe.
Gloria:
I really hope he has a butterfly collar and feathered hair.
Caspar:
I’d bet against that if I were you.
Door chime.
Milly:
Maggie, over here.
Caspar:
Heh... Here we go. I’ll be right back.
Gloria:
Caspar, are you okay?
Caspar:
Yeah... It’s good to see them.
Gloria:
Them?
Radio buzzes again.
Zebulon:
Y’all we’re having some technical difficulties here at the studio but the Funkslinger is back! Let’s get the party back on, here’s Chantrelle with “Carnaby Street.”
Caspar:
Nobody has heard of these people... Hey there you two. I’ve got one order of pancakes in the hopper, what can I get for you?
Maggie:
Breakfast at night again, huh?
Milly:
Can’t help it. Hey, can you guess her order, too?
Caspar:
I’ll give it a shot. Hash browns with fried eggs over the top and a ham steak. Tabasco sauce on the side.
Maggie:
That’s amazing.
Caspar:
Well, you do this long enough you get to know a thing or two.
Maggie:
How long have you been doing it?
Caspar:
173 years. I’ll get that right out to you...
Radio buzzes again.
Effie:
And we are back again.
Caspar:
Y’all, pick a lane.
Effie:
We’re sorry for the technical difficulties everyone, it’s all part of the business of live radio, what are you going to do? Maybe there’s something out there in the air? Radio is mysterious, it can pick up on all sorts of things. Once again this is Saren Farbeyondthesatrs and let’s try and smooth it all out with a little Guy Trevino and Friends, shall we?
Song: “Dandelions” by Guy Trevino and friends.
Caspar:
Ah, yes. This old classic. Can’t get enough of it... Okay, Hash browns, fried eggs on top with a ham steak.
Gloria:
Night breakfast people, I love it. Who’s your mom’s friend?
Caspar:
... That is my mom.
Gloria:
... No.
Caspar:
... Yes.
Gloria:
... Really?
Caspar:
... Yes.
Gloria:
Caspar has two mommies.
Caspar:
Caspar has two mommies.
Gloria:
God, everything I learn about you is just perfect.
Caspar:
Why is that perfect?
Gloria:
I don’t know. I just imagine them being pretty great but also driving you really crazy.
Caspar:
They are pretty great and, yes, they did drive me absolutely fucking bananas.
Gloria:
You should go hang out with them.
Caspar:
Eh, I don’t know. To hear her tell it, it was pretty rocky when they first started out. They might be meeting in neutral territory so they can argue about things.
Gloria:
I can’t believe your parents are here.
Caspar:
I know, right?
Gloria:
This is good. You should enjoy this.
Caspar:
Well, we both know how good I am at that.
Gloria:
Seriously, though.
Caspar:
Is Ava still out in the parking lot?
Gloria:
Yeah, what’s her problem?
Caspar:
She’s from Saint Louis. She may not be having the same trip down memory lane that I am. I’ll go check on her.
Gloria:
Take some orders on your way, please.
Outside. Ava is smoking.
Caspar:
Hey... Ava?
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
What’s going on?
Ava:
Nothing.
Caspar:
There’s about nine cigarette butts at your feet right now.
Ava:
Who died and made you Surgeon General?
Caspar:
I came out here to check on you because you’re being weird. You’re being weird and Effie and Zebulon are being weird.
Ava:
What are they doing?
Caspar:
They’re acting like two 1970s disc jockeys.
Ava:
They’re probably just adapting to the environment.
Caspar:
But it’s weird, it’s two different broadcasts and they’re fighting for position in the radio.
Ava:
Huh.
Caspar:
Yes, “huh,” Ava... Also my mom is here.
Ava:
Your mom is here?
Caspar:
Yes. Both of them. Both of my moms are here.
Ava:
Really?
Caspar:
Yes.
Ava:
You have two moms?
Caspar:
I do.
Ava:
Huh... That makes sense.
Caspar:
... Okay see what I’m doing is being forthcoming and what would be great is if you did the same.
Ava:
I’ve got a lot on my mind, Caspar, I don’t give a shit about whose Mom shows up.
Billie:
Hey, can I bum a cigarette?
Ava:
...
Caspar:
Ava?
Billie:
What’s the problem?
Ava:
...
Billie:
Why is she just staring at me?
Caspar:
Here, here, give me one. Here you go, here’s a cigarette.
Billie:
Thank you. Do you know who the manager is?
Caspar:
Yeah, it’s Gloria she’s in the kitchen. She’s kind of busy though. I work here, is there something I can help you with?
Billie:
Well, I’m performing here tonight.
Ava:
WHAT.
Caspar:
... Ava?
Billie:
...And I can’t find my piano player so I thought I would give her a heads up.
Caspar:
Oh yes, I’m sure she’d love to hear that entire story. She’s all the way in the back.
Billie:
Thanks. Thanks for the cigarette, weirdo.
Caspar:
... So.
Ava:
Shhhhhh.
Caspar:
... Ava?
Ava:
Be very quiet.
Caspar:
Why?
Ava:
Because... Because that... was my mother.
Caspar:
Your mother.
Ava:
Yes.
Caspar:
... How-
Ava:
Shhhhhhhhhhh.
Caspar:
My moms and your mom are here at the same time, that’s nuts.
Ava:
Shh.
Caspar:
What are we supposed to do with this information?
Ava:
Sh.
Caspar:
I guess it makes more sense than my moms, at least you’re from here.
Ava:
Caspar, I am trying to figure out how I can very quickly drink all of the alcohol in Saint Louis right now, I need you to shhhhhhhh.
Caspar:
... Well I guess we know why the piano’s here.
Ava:
How mad do you think Gloria would be if I chopped up the piano and set it on fire in the parking lot?
Caspar:
On a scale of one to ten or-
Ava:
How can I make this not be happening?
Caspar:
Ava, this is kind of minor leagues compared to the usual stuff we deal with isn’t it?
Ava:
How dare you use a sports analogy with me.
Caspar:
She seems fine. She seems a little mean. She does not seem like a mother, there’s no mom energy and I’m an expert because I have two of them.
Ava:
... I may spend the rest of the night in the parking lot.
Caspar:
You realize of course that that’s ridiculous.
Ava:
You realize of course that I am the one who decides what’s ridiculous.
Caspar:
Fine. Have a wonderful night in the parking lot.
Ava:
I will.
Caspar:
Would you like me to bring you a club sandwich or something?
Ava:
... Yes, bring me a club sandwich.
Caspar:
Fine.
Door chime.
Maggie:
-Listen, this is how I live my life. This is how I have to live my life, it doesn’t work for me any other way-
Caspar:
No, no, no. Stop making demands on people that they live by your rules, there needs to be some compromise-
Maggie:
I’m saying, when I was ten-
Caspar:
No, don’t use the story from when you were ten, you always use that as your trump card, you need to listen more, not everybody has to live their life the way you do just because your dad was an asshole about the softball team when you were ten, okay?... Who needs coffee? More coffee? Be right back.
Zebulon:
Holy heck y’all, the Funkslinger is having a dickens of a time making the airwaves work for me today... I wonder if something’s not right out there? Could it be there’s something not so funky in the airwaves? How about y’all give us a call at 555-5555 and let us know you can hear us.
Caspar:
Better write that number down, don’t want to forget.
Billie:
Look, I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve been trying to get a hold of him all day but guess what? Barbara fucking Mandrell is in town and when these big acts come through town they have a tendency to fuck up my life because they soak up all the local talent and now I’m sitting here at a club I’ve never heard of without my piano player. So I’m doing what I can but it’s getting harder and harder for me to perform here tonight.
Gloria:
I’m sorry you’re what?
Billie:
I’m Billie Maddox, I’m performing here. Tonight. You’ve got to be kidding me.
Gloria:
Oh. Piano. Right. We have a piano now and you’re performing here tonight.
Billie:
Why do I know more about this than you do? You’re the manager, right?
Gloria:
Yes, I am. Okay-
Billie:
Also, where is your PA system?
Gloria:
PA system.
Billie:
A microphone. Some speakers. What is happening?
Gloria:
Uhhh.
Billie:
Who is your sound man?
Gloria:
Sound man. Hey. We have a sound man, holy shit do we have a sound man.
Billie:
Great, where is he?
Gloria:
He’ll be right with you, I promise. Why don’t you have a seat and Caspar will bring you some coffee and we’ll have the sound man come and talk to you.
Billie:
Okay. Do you have a phone I can use?
Gloria:
It’s under the counter.
Billie:
Great.
Gloria:
... Someone’s performing here tonight, isn’t that cool?
Caspar:
Yeah, listen-
Gloria:
We’re a nightclub. Maybe someone will get gunned down with a tommy gun or something.
Caspar:
Gloria, listen, that’s Ava’s mom.
Gloria:
... Get the fuck out of here.
Caspar:
It is. This is why Ava is standing in a pile of cigarette butts in the parking lot. She haaaaAAAAAaaaates her mom.
Gloria:
Wow.
Caspar:
And now her mom is here and well...
Gloria:
This is fantastic news.
Caspar:
I know what you’re thinking. The schadenfreude is strong but let’s try and be kind in this moment.
Gloria:
I’m going to try very hard to be sensitive toward Ava in this difficult time.
Caspar:
Great.
Gloria:
And I am going to fail.
Caspar:
Great.
Gloria:
Food’s up for your moms.
Caspar:
Okay. Oh, can you make a club sandwich for Ava?
Gloria:
You’re bringing her a sandwich out there?
Caspar:
Yeah. What?
Gloria:
Nothing.
Back door opens.
Leif:
Gloria, real quick, how would you feel about a very controlled nuclear explosion 500 feet above the diner?
Gloria:
Sure whatever, listen, Ava’s mom is here and she’s performing here tonight.
Leif:
Seriously?
Gloria:
That must be why we have a piano.
Leif:
Like, Ava’s mom pre-Ava?
Gloria:
Yes.
Leif:
That’s crazy.
Caspar:
Also my moms are here pre-me. They are not performing here though, they do a karaoke rendition of Islands in the Stream that is just impossible to endure.
Leif:
Shit, the moms are here?
Gloria:
You knew about the moms?
Leif:
Yeah I knew about the moms, you didn’t know about the moms?
Gloria:
How do we work together and not know each other?
Leif:
We all have problems sharing.
Caspar:
That’s true, we do, it’s not just me!
Leif:
Also it’s hard to fight for your life against an intergalactic empire and then have some nice chit chat.
Caspar:
Also that.
Gloria:
Fine. So can you build a PA system real quick for Ava’s mom?
Leif:
Sure.
Gloria:
Okay, she’s over there, go talk to her. Also, bonus points if you can try and become Ava’s father tonight, know what I mean?
Caspar:
That is not at ALL being sensitive.
Gloria:
Oh shut up Mr. I’ll-Bring-You-a-Sandwich. Go feed your moms.
Billie:
Robbie you told me you were available tonight you little shit, you’re really going to screw me for that fur-lined Stepford Wife?... Don’t-... Oh don’t give me that crap, there are a million piano players in town and the only thing any of them have are their word, Robbie. And you don’t have that anymore because you’re supposed to be here tonight but instead you’re over there. So, do me a favor, the next time you need to be bailed out of jail, and trust me there will be many many more times, go ahead and give Barbara Mandrell a call and see how that works out for you.
She slams the phone down.
Billie:
Shit head.
Leif:
Really seeing the resemblance.
Billie:
Who are you?
Leif:
I’m Leif, I’m the sound man.
Billie:
Great. Where’s the sound, sound man?
Leif:
What are you looking for?
Billie:
A microphone, to start with.
Leif:
Sure, I can do that. I’m thinking 15 to 80 kilohertz response range. A thousand watts of class D power. 120 horizontal coverage, 40 degrees vertical.
Billie:
Well, be still my heart. You can just whip that up?
Leif:
You’d be surprised at the amount of things I can whip up.
Billie:
Well how about I unfurl my golden locks down to the ground so you can climb up the tower prince charming?
Leif:
You’re very mean. It’s making me uncomfortable.
Billie:
Now all I need is a piano player.
Leif:
Good luck with that.
Billie:
I’m going to go bum another cigarette off that weird girl in the parking lot.
Leif:
She’d love that.
Caspar:
Look this is hard stuff. She’s a single mom, you’re a workaholic, not to mention the fact that it’s the mid 70s and there’s very few places you two can go and feel comfortable. Jimmy Swaggart’s out there right now on television, calling people sexual deviants, but trust me in a few years that’s going to play out in a very hilarious way.
Maggie:
So, you just sit down at people’s booths and start poking into their lives?
Caspar:
Not all the time.
Maggie:
Look, I appreciate you all being cool with us and not looking at us funny but it’s not about what happens in safe places. I have the right to hold your hand in public, I have the right to kiss you in public, and I’m ready to fight anybody who’s got problems. You’re not.
Milly:
Just because I don’t want to pick a fight with someone doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you.
Maggie:
I don’t know what you are, though. Are you out here with me or am I secret?
Milly:
A secret from who? My two-year-old?
Maggie:
I need a cigarette.
Door chime.
Milly:
I hate that she smokes.
Caspar:
We both do. Trust me you don’t want to see the alternative.
Milly:
... This is hard.
Caspar:
I know.
Milly:
I hate how hard this is.
Caspar:
I know. Relationships are hard. There’s nothing more complicated than two people who love each other in a relationship. Two people in a relationship who hate each other is actually super simple. You wake up in the morning “Hey, we hate each other. Cool, I’m off to work.”
Milly:
... I really love her.
Caspar:
I know.
Milly:
And I tell her all the time and it doesn’t sink in.
Caspar:
I know, all the time.
Milly:
... I was such an idiot when I met her... I would push my stroller past her house all the time. There was this one house with a huge garden in the front yard, which was already weird, but there was a sign in the yard that said “Maggie’s Yarm.” And I would always wonder what the hell it meant. Then one day I saw her in the yard and we started talking.
Caspar:
“Yard Farm.”
Milly:
Yes. Because she really wanted a farm but could only afford a yard... I remember rolling the stroller away after the first time we talked and just thinking... “God damn I want to buy you that farm so bad.” Took me months to realize why I was feeling that way.
Caspar:
Do you ever tell her that?
Milly:
It’s like trying to break down a brick wall with her.
Caspar:
Yeah, I know. Let me go talk to her.
Milly:
Um, who are you?
Caspar:
I’m your waiter.
Door chime. Radio buzzes.
Effie:
Y’all we are back again but this time I am ready. There are bad vibes out there and Saren is here with you to shoo those vibes away. I have been doing some homework while we were gone, here it is.
Leif:
Oh Man, Effie what are you guys on this time?
Effie:
Does anyone remember the northeast blackout of 1965? I was just a kid here in Saint Louis so I don’t remember it but these outages we keep having got me thinking about when the things we depend on fail us. It was 1965 and around 30 million people in the northeast lost power for 13 hours. From New York all the way up to Toronto. How about those numbers? I wonder how many people had to stay trapped in an elevator for 13 hours, can you imagine? You know what’s funny about this, is the whole northeast lost power but somehow in Maine, the lights stayed on the whole time. Now, I’m not up for conspiracies because I’m a grown woman, but I was thinking. Wouldn’t it be funny if Maine was behind the whole thing... what if something that seems like an interesting little glitch was actually the plan of someone or something you would never expect... Just a thought.
Leif:
Uh oh.
Effie:
We would love for you to give us a call here at the station and tell us what you think is causing all the these outages.
Leif:
Okay.
Effie:
555-5555, give us a call. Until then, Here is Shiver Disk with “By the Way.”
Leif:
Who?
Song: Shiver Disk, “By the Way”.
Leif dials the phone.
Leif:
Five, five, five, Jesus Christ, rotary phones...
Effie:
(In the phone.) Leif!
Leif:
Effie?
Effie:
Thank the lord.
Leif:
What’s happening?
Effie:
Leif, chicanery is about!
Leif:
What do you mean?
Effie:
Suddenly Zebulon and I could only speak through the radio in other voices. I sound like some bohemian lady and Zebulon sounds like some sort of drunkard from the city.
Leif:
You speak in different voices all the time.
Effie:
This is different, Leif. Something is being placed upon us. Luckily I found this here back door in getting you to call me.
Leif:
What do you think is happening?
Effie:
I’m sure I don’t know Leif, I’ve been too busy trying to get somebody’s attention. What goes on?
Leif:
Well, there was suddenly a piano.
Effie:
Yes, but what else?
Leif:
Uh, Caspar’s moms are here and Ava’s mom is here.
Effie:
Hmmm.
Leif:
I mean, it’s weird but it doesn’t seem that weird.
The radio buzzes.
Effie:
Oh, Lord, here comes Zebulon. Keep working on it Leif!
Leif:
Okay.
Zebulon:
That’s right, Saint Louis, party central can’t be stopped, the Funkslinger is back! Ain’t no blackout gonna hold us down, not on a Friday night! Hey, if these blackouts have got you down why don’t you give us a call?
Leif:
Let me guess.
Zebulon:
555-5555, let us know all about it. We’re confused! Now here’s Glove Box with “Boogie Down.”
Leif dials the phone.
Leif:
What is this music?... Zebulon?
Zebulon:
Leif?
Leif:
What’s happening?
Zebulon:
I seem to speak but something else comes out, it isn’t like the other times. We are being mistranslated somehow.
Leif:
That’s disturbing.
Zebulon:
Do you sense anything nefarious?
Leif:
Not really. Honestly it seems like a pretty chill day.
Zebulon:
There is disturbance in the air, Leif. Keep your wits about you and tell the others.
Leif:
Okay, I’ll spread the word.
Leif hangs up the phone.
Leif:
Hey, Caspar’s mom.
Milly:
What?
Door chime, We move into the parking lot.
Caspar:
How’s it going out here?
Maggie:
You’re kind of creeping me out, man.
Caspar:
I know. I just don’t want your eggs to get cold.
Maggie:
Look it’s our business. We’ll handle it, okay?
Caspar:
Okay... Okay... How about the kid?
Maggie:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
Milly’s kid. Is it his business?
Maggie:
Uh... I mean, I guess?
Caspar:
Okay. Then I’m representing him in this conversation.
Maggie:
You can’t just represent him.
Caspar:
Why are you denying Caspar his due process, Maggie, doesn’t he deserve a say?
Maggie:
Man, what the fuck?
Caspar:
Look, I was raised by two women. Just like you two.
Maggie:
Seriously?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Maggie:
How long ago was that?
Caspar:
A long time ago... The boys... had just come home from the war... It was back then.
Maggie:
That must’ve been impossible.
Caspar:
Does it feel all that possible right now?
Maggie:
No.
Caspar:
It was difficult. It took a lot of work... So I saw you two today and I was suddenly very invested, okay?
Maggie:
Okay, fine.
Caspar:
I think you should get back in there and work things out, I think you owe it to yourself.
Maggie:
Why?
Caspar:
Because, shot in the dark here, you are so proud of your self sufficiency that it’s hard for you to factor anyone else into the equation.
Maggie:
... Maybe.
Caspar:
And that’s admirable. Maybe it makes you a little hard to be around.
Maggie:
She’s not exactly easy to be around either.
Caspar:
Oh, I know.
Maggie:
She was so closeted when I met her. She wasn’t even out to herself. She was just REALLY interested in my life and REALLY wanted to hang out. The first time I came over to her house she invited me for dinner and forgot to buy food. There was a moldy loaf of bread in the pantry, that’s it. I called her Moldy Bread Milly for months after that.
Caspar:
God, that’s where it came from.
Maggie:
What?
Caspar:
Nothing. Look, I know. She can be a big mess sometimes. She’s got a two year-old kid, she’s a single mom, she works at a gas station.
Maggie:
... The kid thing kind of freaks me out.
Caspar:
I knew it!
Maggie:
What?
Caspar:
“Loved you from day one” my ass.
Maggie:
What?
Caspar:
Nothing. I know. Kids are scary. But he’ll be fine.
Maggie:
Were you fine?
Caspar:
Absolutely not, Maggie.
Maggie:
Great.
Caspar:
It was hard, okay? I was a little kid, in the midwest, with two moms, in the 80-... a long time ago. Kids made fun of me sometimes. The cruelty of children to other children is its own category of evil. They tried to go to a PTA meeting and people protested and wrote letters. They were asked to not come back. Then one time, one of them had something wrong with their gallbladder or some shit and she had to go to the emergency room, but Mom number two wasn’t allowed in the emergency room because she wasn’t a member of the family, so I had to constantly run back and forth from the emergency room to the waiting room trying to keep both of them calm and I was eight?!
Maggie:
I’m sorry about all that.
Caspar:
It’s okay. I’m fine.
Maggie:
What if he has to go through all of that stuff you went through and he doesn’t even like me?
Caspar:
... He’s going to love you so much.
Maggie:
You think?
Caspar:
You’re grumpy, you chain smoke, you’re emotionally withholding, what’s not to like?
Maggie:
Very funny.
Caspar:
Maggie, get in there. Change your life.
Maggie:
... Fuck it.
Caspar:
There we go!
Door chime.
Leif:
Caspar.
Caspar:
What’s up?
Leif:
Are you playing marriage counselor to your parents?
Caspar:
I know it sounds fucked up but I’m having a blast.
Leif:
Well, sorry to rain on your parade.
Caspar:
Aw snails.
Leif:
The Mucklewains are freaking out.
Caspar:
They’re 70s DJs right now.
Leif:
Not if you call the phone number. If you call the phone number it’s them and they don’t know what’s happening.
Caspar:
Huh.
Leif:
They think something fucked up is going on but I mean...
Caspar:
It seems like a good day.
Leif:
That’s what I said. Where’s the doom?
Caspar:
I don’t see any doom.
Leif:
They’re probably just freaking out for no reason, right?
Caspar:
Yeah, It’s a nice day, there’s going to be music tonight, my moms are here, Ava’s miserable, it’s a good day.
Leif:
Agreed.
Caspar:
... Hang on.
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
Goddamnit.
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
... My moms. Ava’s mom. All living in Saint Louis in the mid 70s and then we show up?
Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Do you want to calculate those odds for me?
Leif:
... I mean, it’s possible.
Caspar:
Yeah, but I’ve got this friend Occam and he has this razor.
Leif:
You think someone’s fucking with us?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Leif:
How, though?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Leif:
Clementine?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Leif:
She can control where we go?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Leif:
That’s impossible.
Caspar:
I know.
Leif:
Hmm...
Caspar:
Okay look. Let’s just keep our antennas out okay?
Leif:
Go tandem? Look for traps?
Caspar:
Yeah... Probably fine.
Leif:
Probably fine.
Caspar:
I’m going to go tell Gloria, you go tell Ava.
Leif:
Okay.
Door chime. We move back into the diner.
Milly:
... I don’t know, I was thinking, maybe we should move north, maybe to Cleveland?
Caspar:
No no no no no no no no no. Nope... More coffee? How are we doing for coffee?
Milly:
Sure.
Caspar:
Okay... Hey Gloria.
Gloria:
It’s been several minutes and Leif has still not put the moves on Ava’s mom, I thought I was the boss around here.
Caspar:
We may have a problem.
Gloria:
... But I don’t want us to have a problem.
Caspar:
I know, I know. Though it’s entirely possible we don’t know how to function anymore without having a problem, so there’s that.
Gloria:
What is it?
Caspar:
The Mucklewains are having a freakout.
Gloria:
I thought they were playing the hits.
Caspar:
Apparently if you call the hotline you can talk to them and they think... I don’t know, they think that there’s some sort of plot happening. My moms, Ava’s mom, instant piano, then we show up. Too much of a coincidence.
Gloria:
Clementine?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Gloria:
She’s fucking with us?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Gloria:
How?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Gloria:
Why?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Gloria:
I don’t like it.
Caspar:
I know.
Gloria:
I don’t understand what she has to gain by a bunch of moms showing up.
Caspar:
It’s early in the shift though, who else is showing up?
Gloria:
... Okay.
Caspar:
Look, there’s nothing to do at this point except keep an eye out so... we’ll do that.
Gloria:
Good.
Radio buzzes.
Caspar:
Shit, hang on.
Effie:
Well, folks here we are, back again, I am getting sick of this, how about you? The chakras are not aligned. Thanks for sticking with me though, if you are still with me. I promise you right now we are going to get to the bottom of whatever’s going on. Until then, let’s get some more music out there to heal whatever is ailing these airwaves, shall we? Here’s Roots and Recognition with “The Limelight.”
Caspar dials the phone.
Effie:
Caspar!
Caspar:
Hey, Effie, long time first time, just wanted to call in to say: turns out soft rock sucks in every timeline.
Effie:
Do I sound like I am in the mood for your alleged witticisms, there, Samuel Clemens?
Caspar:
Effie, can you be a little more specific about whatever this threat is?
Effie:
Caspar, I am a Baptist minister, specifics are not my bread and butter.
Caspar:
That’s true, Jesus always was a “big picture” guy, wasn’t he?
Effie:
I’m assuming there is some sort of plan to free us from this strange prison we find ourselves in.
Caspar:
We don’t understand how this prison works and we also don’t understand how you work, how are we going to make progress on this exactly?
Effie:
Why do I feel like I am not being given the appropriate attention this moment requires, Caspar?
Caspar:
Effie, there’s something weird going on with you two, sure, but there’s no danger out here. We’re having kind of an... I don’t know, a nice day.
Effie:
The best place to hide the poison is in the sweet stuff, Caspar.
Caspar:
Effie, c’mon.
Effie:
You are a dog eating peanut butter with no clue as to the de-worming pill within.
Caspar:
What kind of cockamamie reference... okay fine. We’ll put our heads together and see what we can come up with, until then, you might be stuck in 70s DJ-mode for the rest of the shift. Just try and enjoy it. I’ll be back.
Caspar hangs up. Radio buzzes.
Zebulon:
Don’t walk away just yet folks! The Funkslinger wants to hear from you.
Caspar:
Goddamnit.
Caspar dials the phone.
Zebulon:
Give us a call! Here’s Wanda Shakes with “Ten Toes Deep!”
Caspar:
Five, five, five, five...
Zebulon:
Caspar!
Caspar:
Zebulon, what is it?
Zebulon:
It’s the serpent of the Pharaoh, Caspar!
Caspar:
Okay.
Zebulon:
It was proof that he drew his power not just from his throne but from darker magics, Caspar!
Caspar:
Zeb, are we going a little nutty right now?
Zebulon:
We must leave this place, Caspar!
Caspar:
Okay, I’ll just put some coins in the slot and I’m sure we’ll zip away.
Zebulon:
It is an accursed quagmire!
Caspar:
We’re working on it, Zebulon. We’re working on it and we’re doing what we can. Hang tight.
Caspar hangs up the phone. We move to the parking lot.
Leif:
... So all we have right now are the Mucklewains freaking out but I agree with Caspar, it’s a little too much for a coincidence.
Ava:
It’s not a coincidence.
Leif:
What do you think it is?
Ava:
PUNISHMENT FROM JESUS.
Leif:
Ava-
Ava:
I’m serious. I made one too many Jesus jokes and now here we are.
Leif:
What is the big deal? Your mom wasn’t great, a lot of moms out there are not great moms.
Ava:
Yes, but you’re forgetting I don’t care about other people.
Leif:
I have to say, I can see the resemblance.
Ava:
PLEASE EXPLODE.
Billie:
Hey.
Leif:
It’s a hard thing to hear but it’s true.
Billie:
Guys.
Ava:
That is ridiculous, I am nothing like that woman.
Billie:
Excuse me, Idiots?
Ava:
...
Leif:
Nothing?
Billie:
Hey Sound Man. Where’s my sound, man?
Leif:
It’ll only take a minute to set up. How’s it coming with the piano player?
Billie:
I’m still working on it. There’s always a piano player somewhere.
Leif:
Hmm.
Ava:
... I will murder you in every timeline.
Leif:
You know, Ava plays the piano.
Ava:
Say your goodbyes.
Billie:
Really?
Leif:
She does.
Billie:
A lot of people play the piano, I need someone who Plays the Piano, you know?
Leif:
She’s pretty good. What were you playing earlier? Was it Beethoven?
Ava:
It was Mozart, you rube.
Billie:
Yeah, that’s not what I’m looking for, I need someone who can handle my stuff.
Ava:
Oh really? “Your stuff”? Yes, the complexity of Mozart is nothing compared to Honky Tonk.
Billie:
I don’t sing Honky Tonk, weirdo. I need someone who doesn’t play with stick up their ass.
Leif:
She doesn’t play that way, I’m sure she’d be great.
Ava:
You’re about to be doing everything with a stick up your ass.
Billie:
You can play Jazz? Blues?
Ava:
Yes, I can also spell small words with alphabet blocks.
Billie:
What is your problem with me?
Ava:
I don’t have a problem, you have a problem.
Billie:
I’m trying to make this gig happen, do you mind?
Ava:
I really do mind.
Billie:
Can you handle the music, or not?
Ava:
Of course I can, don’t be ridiculous.
Leif:
Great! Looks like it’s all figured out, Ava come inside in a few minutes for a sound check okay? Have a great time working out the set list, you two.
Door chime.
Billie:
Did a piano fall on your parents when you were a kid?
Ava:
GOD, if only.
Billie:
Give me a cigarette.
Ava:
No.
Billie:
Don’t be ridiculous.
Ava:
Get your own cigarettes.
Billie:
There’s no cigarette machine inside!
Ava:
I know and it’s been very difficult for me!!
Billie:
... We just met today right? I didn’t run over your dog or something?
Ava:
... Here. Maybe this is the one that will kill you.
Billie:
Thank you.
Billie lights a cigarette.
Billie:
... So where’d you learn play?
Ava:
... My mom forced me to take lessons when I was a kid.
Billie:
You hated it that much, huh?
Ava:
I... hated anything that had to do with my mother.
Billie:
Jeez. What’d she do?
Ava:
Not much. I guess that was the problem.
Billie:
I get it. My mom was no picnic, either.
Ava:
Yeah, I know, grandma shot a guy.
Billie:
What?
Ava:
Look, I’m a physicist.
Billie:
Okay.
Ava:
And she... Fucking hell... Music is math. It all fits together like math. When she forced me to learn the piano I suddenly realized that numbers for me, math, it’s... It speaks to me. It stretches out in front of me, it all fits together, I can visualize all of it. It’s like magic... So I was good at music, but it wasn’t enough for me, and she hated that. She wouldn’t put me in any advanced programs, she wouldn’t let me do the Mathlympics at school, which I would’ve crushed at... I’d have to go with her to her gigs and she’d find me at the end of the night doing the manager’s books.
Billie:
So your mom didn’t appreciate you for what you were.
Ava:
No.
Billie:
But also you discovered something important about yourself because of what she forced you to do?
Ava:
... Yeah, I guess.
Billie:
And you’re being shitty to me because I remind you of her.
Ava:
Just a bit, yes.
Billie:
Well... can you get the fuck over it, please?
Ava:
Fine.
Billie:
Thank you... You’re sure you can do this?
Ava:
Yeah, it’s fine.
Billie:
... You really hated playing music?
Ava:
There was one song that I really liked. She always yelled at me when I played it.
Billie:
Which one?
Ava:
Never mind. Let’s go over the set list.
Billie:
Okay.
The kitchen. Gloria is nowhere to be found.
Caspar:
Gloria?
Caspar goes out the back door.
Caspar:
Gloria?
Gloria:
(Up on the roof.) Hey.
Caspar:
Hey. What’s going on?
Gloria:
I just needed a minute.
Caspar:
Okay... Leif has somehow done a reverse psychology on Ava and she is now the piano player for tonight.
Gloria:
Wow. Okay.
Caspar:
Effie and Zebulon are still freaking out but I have no idea what to do about it.
Gloria:
Me neither.
Caspar:
My moms were going to move to Cleveland for a minute there. I think I waved them off.
Gloria:
Good.
Caspar:
... What’s going on, Gloria?
Gloria:
... Who else is coming through the door, Caspar?
Caspar:
... I don’t know.
Gloria:
... My parents died in a car crash... I was 18...
Caspar:
... You’re afraid they’re going to walk through the door.
Gloria:
...
Caspar:
... Gloria, nobody knows what’s happening right now. Effie and Zebulon are saying it’s a conspiracy but nothing is making any sense right now.
Gloria:
I know... People should not be presented with this dilemma.
Caspar:
They should not... When I left, my moms had retired to Reno.
Gloria:
Reno?
Caspar:
Yeah, Maggie became a semi-pro gambler in her later years, it was pretty hilarious... I never said goodbye to them. But I sort of felt like they were out here somewhere, so I’d always get the chance. Jesus, that was, like, a hundred and thirty years ago... It’s okay. To not know how to feel.
Gloria:
It wouldn’t be seeing them again, it would be leaving them again in a few hours.
Caspar:
I understand.
Gloria:
I worked really hard to get past it. I worked really hard to say goodbye.
Caspar:
I’m sure.
Gloria:
I can’t start that over again. I’m scared of hearing the door chime again.
Caspar:
... It’s weird, what can become bad news out here.
Gloria:
It really is... I guess I can’t stay up on the roof for the rest of the shift, can I?
Caspar:
No, because then I would be cooking. Speaking of bad news.
Gloria:
... I’m glad you got to see your moms again.
Caspar:
Me too.
Gloria:
I bet you were a cute kid.
Caspar:
No, I was pretty much like this. Bitter... Look, we’re putting on a show tonight.
Gloria:
We are.
Caspar:
Let’s get in there and enjoy it while we can okay? Isn’t that the gig? Enjoying it as much as we can until the next horror walks through the door?
Gloria:
Yeah, okay. I’m coming down.
Caspar:
It’ll be fun. This could be a whole new door for us. Maybe we get a karaoke machine.
Gloria:
Okay, I’m not coming down.
Caspar:
Kidding!
Later that night. The diner is packed, waiting for Billie.
Zebulon:
Saint Louis, I don’t know if you’ve heard but we’ve got a local favorite performing tonight. That’s right, Billie Maddox herself is playing at a brand new club called Midnight Diner! This gig is officially Funkslinger certified, come check it out!
Mic feedback.
Caspar:
(Into the mic.) Hello hello everyone! Welcome to Midnight Burger, it is show time! This is a rarity for us. We haven’t had a musician in here since Richey Edwards of the Manic Street Preachers swung by. Heady days!
Gloria:
Get off the stage!
Ava:
You suck!
Caspar:
Those would be my co-workers, they’re very mean. But they do make a good point! You didn’t come here to see me tonight. You came here to see the incomparable Billie Maddox!
APPLAUSE.
Caspar:
So let’s just get right to it, shall we? Cats and kittens, put you hands to together for Billie Maddox!
Applause and cheers.
Billie:
(Into the mic.) Well hello there, Midnight Burger. Welcome everyone to the weirdest fucking gig I’ve ever played.
Laughter.
Billie:
You know this show almost didn’t happen tonight. If it were not for the incredibly grumpy weirdo at the piano we’d all be sitting in silence right now. Let’s hear it for Ava!
Applause.
Ava:
Please stop clapping.
Billie:
So... my mom sucked. How about y’all? Make some noise if your mom sucked.
Applause.
Billie:
There you are. There’s my people. Ava’s mom sucked pretty hard as well, isn’t that right, Ava?
Ava:
What are you doing?
Billie:
Did you know that Ava’s mom wouldn’t let her play her favorite song?
Ava:
Please stop doing what you’re doing.
Billie:
Atrocious, isn’t it? What do you think it was? What was Ava’s favorite song?
Gloria:
Tequila!
Leif:
Master of Puppets!
Caspar:
The Thong Song!
Billie:
You know, we have the opportunity to right a great wrong here tonight, don’t we?
Shouts from the crowd.
Billie:
It’s been a while since I’ve had an opening act, maybe it’s time to break the streak, right?
Ava:
Please come over here.
Billie:
Hang on, guys. (Off mic.) Can I help you?
Ava:
What are you doing?
Billie:
I’m doing you a favor.
Ava:
Do you know what favors are?
Billie:
You’re going to sing your song.
Ava:
You don’t even know if I can sing.
Billie:
Can you?... Uh huh... Think of it this way: your mom would really hate it. (Back on the mic.) Let’s hear it for Ava!
The crowd cheers again. Ava awkwardly fumbles around with the mic.
Ava:
Hi... My mother hated this song. And I hope you hate it too.
Song: ava sings “poisoning pigeons in the park” by tom Lehrer.
Ava finishes her song and the crowd goes wild.
Ava:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, someone destined to be a terrible mother herself someday... Billie Maddox!
Song: Billie sings “You’ve gotta see momma every night (or you can’t see momma at all).” by BILLY ROSE AND Con Conrad.
Later on, the crowd is slowly leaving the diner at the end of the show.
Billie:
Goodnight everybody. If you’re driving don’t drink and if you drink don’t drive... You’re good. You should quit all that physics garbage and play piano.
Ava:
I’ll think about it.
Billie:
...
Ava:
...
Billie:
I’m pregnant.
Ava:
Oh GOD.
Billie:
Jesus.
Ava:
That’s TERRIBLE news.
Billie:
Thanks. Thanks for the sympathy.
Ava:
I’m sorry. What’s the appropriate response? Congratulations?
Billie:
I have no goddamn idea... Did you mean what you said at the top of the show? That I was destined to be a bad mother?
Ava:
Yes. Of course I meant it.
Billie:
Thanks.
Ava:
I’m sorry... Look, do you strike me as someone who would make a good mother? No. But... Neither would I. Neither would a lot of people. So maybe I shouldn’t be jerk about it.
Billie:
Fair enough... I gotta go... You’re a strange person Ava... keep it up.
Ava:
Okay, mom.
Billie walks off.
Maggie:
So. This has been weird.
Caspar:
Yes, it has.
Maggie:
It was annoying at first, but I’m a little glad you invaded our privacy tonight.
Caspar:
Anytime.
Maggie:
We’ve got a lot to talk about, obviously.
Milly:
But I’m looking forward to it.
Maggie:
Me too. I’m going to go get the car. What was your name again?
Caspar:
... Jeff.
Maggie:
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
Caspar:
Same here.
Milly:
So, we’ll come back some time and update you on how we’re doing since you seem so invested.
Caspar:
Okay, but restaurants are hard to keep open, I hope we’re still here when you do.
Milly:
She gave me some mandates.
Caspar:
That sounds like her.
Milly:
Caspar isn’t ever allowed to call her aunt, or call her my roommate.
Caspar:
Sounds easy enough.
Milly:
Sorry, Caspar’s my kid.
Caspar:
Yeah, I know.
Milly:
I didn’t name him after the cartoon character.
Caspar:
I know.
Milly:
... Not sure the best way to explain it all to him.
Caspar:
I don’t think he needs much. Almost everything is a bigger deal in our heads.
Milly:
Yeah. You’re good at this, do you have a kid?
Caspar:
... Yeah.
Milly:
Lucky kid.
Maggie honks the horn.
Milly:
I gotta go.
Caspar:
I’ll see you around, Milly.
Effie:
Well, folks, despite our technical difficulties tonight, it has not stopped Saint Louis from being Saint Louis. I’m hearing word that local favorite Billie Maddox played a surprise show at a new place in town called “The Midnight Café.” Apparently Billie didn’t even have a piano player when she got there, she pulled someone right up out of the audience. That’s Billie for you. Up next we’ve got The Flix with “Saturdays.”
Song: “Saturdays” by The Flix.
Gloria:
You thought bringing them out into the parking lot would do something?
Leif:
I don’t even know at this point. I’d try electroshock therapy if I thought it would work.
Gloria:
Well I guess we just wait for them to come back but this music is driving me crazy.
Radio buzzes.
Effie:
Sweet freedom!
Gloria:
There we go.
Zebulon:
Gloria! It is not unlike the halls of Nebuchadnezzar! Are there sorceresses about?
Gloria:
Sorceresses?
Effie:
Gloria, we are being snared in some sort of a deadfall!
Gloria:
What are you talking about?
Leif:
Everything seems to be going okay, y’all.
Effie:
Well that is the whole point of a trap, isn’t it? If it felt like a trap, nobody would wander into it.
Zebulon:
This is the madness of Queen Jezebel!
Gloria:
Okay, Zeb. Calm down.
Caspar:
What are they talking about?
Gloria:
They think we’re in a trap.
Ava:
Trust me, I know what it feels like to be trapped in Saint Louis, this isn’t a trap.
Leif:
It is possible this is all just a coincidence.
Caspar:
If it was all on purpose that would mean... I mean if we’re talking about Clementine, that would mean that she can control where we go. She can’t control where we go.
Gloria:
And if she could, why would she send us to Saint Louis to have a nice time.
Ava:
It doesn’t make any sense.
Leif:
Hang on... Thinking like a criminal for a second... It might make a little sense.
Ava:
Why?
Leif:
Well... If I was going to threaten someone, first they would need to know that I can follow through with the threat. So... I’d show off a little.
Effie:
That’s it exactly, Leif.
Zebulon:
It is the Staff of the Pharaoh cast upon the ground.
Caspar:
Can we ease up on the severity, everyone?
Ava:
We’re going to need a little more evidence.
Gloria:
Yeah, let’s take it easy, let’s talk about a problem when we have a problem.
The air becomes DISTURBED around them.
Leif:
Gloria... We’ve got a problem.
Clementine materializes in the parking lot.
Clementine:
Hi everyone. How was mother’s day?
Gloria:
Everybody stand back.
Effie:
I got about 12 hours of curses built up for you, Clementine.
Zebulon:
What was the meaning of all this, Clementine?
Clementine:
Everybody relax. I’m not going to rain down hellfire on you. Yet.
Gloria:
So this was you?
Clementine:
Just a little fun. I just needed to show you what I was capable of.
Gloria:
And what are we supposed to do with that?
Clementine:
Just listen.
Gloria:
No, you listen to me. You turned a mall full of people into monsters, you made an asteroid appear out of nowhere. Whatever you’re doing, you need to stop it.
Clementine:
There’s a lot of strange things out there, Gloria. How can you be sure it was me?
Ava:
We’re sure it was you.
Clementine:
There are infinite timelines out there and you people are concerned about a mall?
Leif:
A mall and an entire planet, yes.
Caspar:
Not to mention whatever else you’ve done.
Clementine:
I haven’t done anything! ...I have had things done to me.
Gloria:
Which gives you the right to what exactly?
Clementine:
Rights? What are you talking about, Gloria? Are you still talking about your plan? Everyone’s got to stick to Gloria’s plan, right?
Gloria:
You’re hurting people.
Clementine:
You don’t know that. How could you even tell? People are getting hurt every second of every hour of every day, how can you tell the difference between the pain that comes from me or the pain that comes from, I don’t know, the universe being full of hurt! ...I know you’ve all seen it. World after world after world of hurt and pain and loss. And you want to stop me? Because that’ll stop what? People from being hurt?... Oh wait... I get it now... you people have decided that you’re a little band of do-gooders, is that it? Zig-zagging around the stars righting wrongs? Ridiculous... I’m sure Zebulon has convinced you all that I’m some sort of lost little lamb, right? An injured little doe in the woods. A misguided little kid... You’re the ones who are fooling yourselves. There’s no order to things. There are no laws written in the stars... There’s only one thing that rings true to me: I have the power to get what I want. So I’m going to get it.
Zebulon:
Despite what that may take from others?
Clementine:
Don’t talk to me about what I take! ...I could snap my fingers and kill you all... But I’m not here to do that. I’m not here to take anything... I’m here to give you something.
Gloria:
We’re not interested.
Clementine:
Of course you are. I know because you’ve all told me exactly what you’re interested in... And I can give it all to you. I’ve shown you here today. I put you in a world where Ava’s mom and Caspar’s moms all live in Saint Louis. I put you here. I can put you anywhere I want, hell I can put a piano in your dining room... So I’m not here with threats... I’m here with what you want. A world where Leif didn’t throw everything away, a world where every scientist in the world listens to Dr. Ava Maddox... I can give you your son back, Caspar. You deserve to have him back. You’ve suffered enough. You should meet him again... I have.
Gloria:
That’s enough.
Clementine:
And you, Gloria, well it could go one of two ways for you. Which will it be? A world where a virus from across the sea didn’t take your dream from you or shall we go deeper? Should we say a world where, one night, your parents cruised right through that intersection and there was no drunk driver to be found?
Effie:
This is evil, what you’re doing, Clementine.
Clementine:
I’d make an offer to Effie and Zebulon but they already have what they want: to be considered human by all of you.
Gloria:
We’re not interested-
Clementine:
No no no. No. You’re not supposed to answer me right now, Gloria. You have to sit with it a while. You have to let it eat away at you. Like I have. You have to sit there and let a better life look you in the eye while all you have to do is say yes...
The air begins to change around them.
Ava:
What’s happening?
Leif:
Fuck.
Clementine:
I’m going to put you somewhere for a while. Give you some time to think. I’ll come and get you when I feel like you’re ready. I recommend you all figure out how to say yes to me... You don’t want to see the alternative.
The diner vanishes. Clementine walks off into the city of saint louis.
The end