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Young Leif
Part 6: Escape from Moog.
The din of a dark bar in a space port somewhere.
Leif:
You... lay eggs?
Dez:
Yeah, why is that weird?
Leif:
I don’t know. Truskans don’t really strike me as the egg laying type.
Dez:
What does that mean?
Leif:
On Earth, birds lay eggs.
Dez:
Yeah, and I think that’s weird.
Leif:
Why?
Dez:
Something flies and lays eggs, how do you trust them?
Leif:
I don’t know what you mean.
Verge:
Okay, I’ve got a buyer for the ice.
Leif:
Where?
Verge:
Festen. They’re in the middle of a sunspot-induced drought and The Teds are price gouging them. We’re coming in at a quarter of the price.
Leif:
Excellent.
Verge:
We could charge a lot more than that.
Leif:
But that would miss the point.
Verge:
Sorry, I keep forgetting the point when I think about the money we’re not making.
Leif:
I don’t like it when people make money off of desperation.
Verge:
We’re not going to stop that from happening.
Leif:
No, but it feels good.
Dez:
I think they have greenroot here, are we getting food?
Leif:
Dez lays eggs.
Verge:
Yeah, I know. So what? Is he carrying? Dez do you have an egg on deck?
Dez:
Not old enough.
Leif:
Do you build a nest?
Verge:
They put them in those pits, right?
Dez:
Zigosh pits.
Verge:
Big flaming pits.
Leif:
They’re flaming?
Dez:
Yeah.
Leif:
Why?
Dez:
Warmth.
Leif:
That’s bizarre.
Verge:
Said the guy sleeping with an alien every night.
Dez:
Used to be we had to put the eggs by a lava flow. Way better this way.
Verge:
This is our fifth job since the casino, I think we’re in the clear with Låfftrax.
Dez:
Helps that we set up shop on the other end of the system.
Verge:
We should keep an eye on Låfftrax, though. I think they’re trying to control the entire Triad.
Dez:
No way. Even Emperor Bug Bug couldn’t pull that off back in the day.
Verge:
What are you reading?
Leif:
Earth news.
Verge:
How are things back home? Have they emerged from their caves yet?
Leif:
Everyone’s worried about computers switching over from the year 1999 to 2000. They’ve convinced themselves that the whole world could collapse when the new year hits.
Verge:
So, still in the cave.
Leif:
So deep in the cave.
Alice:
Message from BertBert marked “urgent”.
Leif:
Pass.
Dez:
What’s she want?
Leif:
No idea.
Alice:
He’s ignoring her.
Leif:
I am.
Dez:
I’m all for that. Sigians are like rust, okay? They get everywhere you don’t want them to go.
Verge:
I don’t think she’s so bad. As Sigians go anyway.
Dez:
Yeah sure. She’s okay. I mean there’s four different kinds of rust. Some are dangerous and some are just annoying.
Verge:
Oh really, Dez? Please tell me about the different kinds of rust.
Dez:
Well you got your red, your yellow-
Alice:
New message from BertBert marked “Fuck you, goddamn you, answer you little shit”.
Verge:
Okay, that’s funny, what’s the message?
Leif:
I’m sure it’s skippable.
Verge:
What if she’s in trouble?
Alice:
Yeah, Leif, what if she’s in trouble?
Leif:
I’m deliberately ignoring her to keep her out of trouble.
Verge:
And that’s adorable, but it’s not like listening to the message is going to suck you into her world or something. Just listen to the message.
Leif:
Play the message.
Bertbert:
(From the tangle.) Oh hi. Oh hi, Leif. How are you? Since you’re still ignoring my messages I thought I would just leave you with my LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT since I am about to DIE! To you I leave NOTHING BUT MY SCORN.
Verge:
What the fuck is she talking about?
Bertbert:
I am a fucking prisoner awaiting fucking execution!
Leif:
Is this a metaphor for something?
Bertbert:
In case you’re wondering if that’s a metaphor for something: IT IS NOT.
Verge:
Oh shit.
Bertbert:
I am a fucking prisoner of the fucking Science Priests of fucking Moog!
Verge:
Oh no.
Bertbert:
They are about to goddamn kill me in some goddamn “cleansing ceremony”.
Leif:
What?!
Bertbert:
So, if for some reason you have decided to stop being a dickhead and check your messages, this is me saying “Get. Me. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here.” I am temporarily suspending my judgement of your criminal behavior TEMPORARILY. I am temporarily suspending it so that you can, in defiance of however many laws, break into the Temple of Enlightenment on Moog and save me from whatever killing machine I am headed towards. If you have a problem doing that, try pretending I am a huge pile of money and STEAL ME, maybe that will help... I really hate that this may be the last message I ever send.
63Rd Acolyte:
(In the tangle) Impure One! Give me that device!
Bertbert:
Fuck you, you freak!
63Rd Acolyte:
Give it to me!
Bertbert:
Leif! Fucking help me-
Leif:
...
Alice:
That sounds bad.
Dez:
So, we’re not getting food then?
The hum of the nancy sinatra.
Alice:
The planet of Moog is a mid sized planet in Andromeda that underwent a revolution by religious fundamentalists calling themselves the Science Priests.
Verge:
Boooooo.
Alice:
The Science Priests rose to power during the movement dubbed “The Vapian Panic”, where multiple systems began to reject technological advancement after the planet of Vapus demonstrated the dangers of technology when they accidentally collapsed their home world into a black hole.
Verge:
You’re welcome, everyone.
Alice:
The movement died down in most corners of the Triad, except for on the planet of Moog, where the Science Priests maintain a vice-like grip on the populace using the tactics of violence, fear, and intimidation.
Leif:
They sound lovely.
Dez:
We’re really doing this, huh?
Verge:
It’ll be fun.
Dez:
I don’t like these guys.
Verge:
You don’t like anybody.
Dez:
I like all kinds of people.
Verge:
You don’t show it.
Dez:
That’s just how my face looks.
Leif:
If they reject technology, why do they call themselves Science Priests?
Alice:
It’s a classic switcheroo. The Science Priests reject science, so they make sure the populace stays real dumb and then they say that all science comes from them. To avoid people embracing science they just say that they ARE science.
Leif:
And when someone disagrees?
Alice:
They’re big fans of executions, as I’m sure BertBert is now learning.
Dez:
What the heck did she do to piss them off?
Alice:
It could be anything. They key to suppressing a populace is making justice totally random and unhinged.
Leif:
Isn’t this going to create some sort of interstellar political incident or something?
Alice:
Oh sure. They don’t care.
Leif:
How are they allowed to operate like this?
Verge:
Take a wild guess.
Alice:
It is rumored that the Science Priests of Moog are secretly supported by The Ted Empire.
Dez:
Oh sure, real nice.
Leif:
What do they get out of it?
Alice:
Religious fanaticism is the tiny angry dog on the lap of despotic empires. It’s tradition.
Leif:
Whatever. How are we doing this?
Verge:
Let’s just roll in there and start shooting people. Isn’t that what Earthlings do?
Leif:
Maybe something more nuanced than that.
Dez:
If they’re keeping her at that Temple of Enlightenment place? That place is real big. How do we find her?
Leif:
Alice, is there a map of this Temple of Enlightenment anywhere?
Alice:
They reject technology, there’s probably a map but it’s probably written on a scroll somewhere or something.
Leif:
What does it look like from the outside?
Alice:
... On the screen.
Leif:
That’s a big tower.
Alice:
That thing’s filled with people awaiting execution.
Leif:
You’d think their lack of technology wouldn’t be a benefit, but it’s kind of an amazing defense. There’s no way of knowing what’s in there. There’s nothing to hack into.
Verge:
I’ve got an idea.
Leif:
What?
Verge:
We have something they want.
Leif:
What’s that?
Verge:
Me.
Dez:
Yeah, that’s true.
Leif:
What do you mean?
Verge:
Alice?
Alice:
The Science Priests believe the collapsing of Vapus10 by the Vapians was the original sin of The Triad. They allege the Vapians’ arrogance and love affair with technology caused the Vapian Collapse. Because of that, they see Vapians as a scourge, an affront to all things holy. Desperate bounty hunters will sometimes attempt to abduct Vapians and bring them to Moog for a high price.
Leif:
That’s terrible.
Verge:
In their defense, I also see myself as an affront to all things holy, but in a good way.
Dez:
That gets us in the front door. We just need to know what to do after.
Leif:
Hmmm... How many explosives do we have?
Dez:
I haven’t done an inventory but I’m gonna guess, rough estimate, a lot.
Leif:
Um hum, um hm, um hm... I’ve got an idea.
We hear the sound of Monks chanting.
78Th Acolyte:
(In the PA system.) We wish a glorious day to the righteous. Begin your day as the Nth Anomaly intended: untouched, unchanged, and full of his ancient light. Praise the great simplicity of the mystery.
We hear a massive cargo kart being pushed along the ground and coming to a stop.
Dez:
Uh... Hey there?
96Th Acolyte:
Hello? What is all this?
Dez:
I got a shipment here for you.
96Th Acolyte:
What is it?
Dez:
Looks like... Looks like some crates.
96Th Acolyte:
Yes, I can see that, what is in them?
Dez:
You know, I don’t ask a lot of questions.
96Th Acolyte:
What does it say on your manifest?
Dez:
Let me see... No, that’s last week, give me a minute here. You know the home office always screws me with this stuff, I got a ticking clock on me every time I’m out here. Do they send me out here with the right materials? No. They send me out here with last week’s workups and I’m sitting here saying, “put all the clocks on me you want, it’s not going to give me the right materials to do the job, am I right?
96Th Acolyte:
I don’t...
Dez:
What am I looking for?
96Th Acolyte:
What is in the crates?
Dez:
Oh yeah. Yeah sure. Here we go... Okay, gruel. Bovian gruel. Yeesh. This stuff’s bad, you ever had this stuff?
96Th Acolyte:
It’s a staple of our diet.
Dez:
You know, I hear it’s more nutritious to eat the crate this stuff comes in than the thing itself.
96Th Acolyte:
I don’t expect technology slaves like you Truskans to understand our ways.
Dez:
Fair enough. How much sauce you got to put on this stuff to make it taste like something?
96Th Acolyte:
I don’t have time for this, we just received a shipment of gruel yesterday, why are we getting another one?
Dez:
Look pal, they don’t give me the right workup for these boxes and you think they’re going to tell me why they’re here?
96Th Acolyte:
Send them back, this was obviously a mistake.
Dez:
Yeah, see there, this is a one way arrangement, I bring stuff, I don’t take away stuff. You got to pay extra for the takeaway.
96Th Acolyte:
Even if we didn’t order it?
Dez:
Look, if you didn’t order it... y’know... free gruel.
96Th Acolyte:
For the love of the Anomaly. Very well. Go to the cargo lift, then down two floors to grain storage.
Dez:
You got it.
The cargo cart moves into a lift and begin to travel down.
Dez:
Okay, I’m in. How about you?
The chanting of the monks grows louder as leif and verge move through the main hall of the temple.
Leif:
We’re in the main hall and it’s... An experience.
Verge:
Religious fanatics always get the best architects.
Leif:
Hopefully when I try and turn in Verge they’ll lead us to wherever they keep the prisoners. That’s when you push the button, so let us know when you’re in position.
Dez:
(In earpiece.) Yeah, will do.
Leif:
This place is insane.
Verge:
I know, it makes me nauseous.
Leif:
So you can just walk in here with a Vapian and they give you money?
Verge:
You can.
Leif:
How are there any of you left?
Verge:
It’s not easy money. You can wind up dead hunting a Vapian. You know that tattoo on my shoulder?
Leif:
The one with the four lines?
Verge:
Yeah, those four lines are dead bounty hunters.
Leif:
Really?
Verge:
Poor babies.
83Rd Acolyte:
Glorious day to the righteous. Glorious day to the Nth Anomaly. Welcome to the Temple of Enlightenment. Oh my-
Verge:
Hi there.
83Rd Acolyte:
You have brought us a Vapian.
Leif:
I have. Because I’m a bounty hunter.
Verge:
Yes he is.
83Rd Acolyte:
I trust the arm restraints are properly secured. It’s a very dangerous creature.
Leif:
Oh yes. Very secure.
Verge:
I’m not going anywhere.
83Rd Acolyte:
Praise to the Nth Anomaly.
Leif:
Yes. Agreed.
83Rd Acolyte:
Look at it, it’s disgusting.
Verge:
I bet you say that to all the scourges.
Leif:
So, this is my first time at the temple, how does this work?
83Rd Acolyte:
Take it down the far hall to the chamber of redemption. The Acolyte will take you to the appropriate area.
Leif:
Great. Praise to the whatever.
They walk across the great hall.
Leif:
I’m getting the sense that there’s going to be some harsh words said about you during this transaction.
Verge:
Are you worried I’m going to get my feelings hurt?
Leif:
I never worry about that... Alice, what is this Nth Anomaly?
Alice:
The Science Priests believe the universe should be shrouded in mystery to maintain it’s pure state. The Nth Anomaly is a personification of the mysteries of the universe that science violates with its curiosity.
52Nd Acolyte:
Glorious day to the righteous, how can I...
Verge:
Hi there.
52Nd Acolyte:
Praise the Anomaly.
Leif:
Didn’t we just talk to you?
Verge:
No. Different guy.
Leif:
Okay. Well, I have a Vapian. What do I do now?
52Nd Acolyte:
Thank you, stranger. What a beautiful offering to The Anomaly.
Verge:
Thank you, I think so too.
Leif:
I hear I can get paid pretty well for a Vapian.
52Nd Acolyte:
Of course. One moment please.
Leif:
... He looks exactly like the last guy I talked to.
Verge:
They’re all clones.
Leif:
What?
Verge:
Alice?
Alice:
The original high priest of Moog thought the most effective way to create a congregation was to just clone himself. So now you have one high priest and a hundred acolytes, all the same guy.
Leif:
I imagine that took a lot of... technology.
Alice:
Sure.
Leif:
Which they reject.
Alice:
Wait, are you saying that this fascist theocratic empire is somehow hypocritical? Get the fuck out of here.
Leif:
I guess I was hoping for a little intellectual consistency.
Verge:
I’m sorry the religious zealots are letting you down, honey.
52Nd Acolyte:
Please right this way.
They step into an elevator as the doors close.
Leif:
... So, just out of curiosity. This elevator we’re in is a form of technology, right?
52Nd Acolyte:
That’s correct.
Leif:
But you guys are the anti-technology guys.
52Nd Acolyte:
Yes, but this elevator has been sanctified by the Nth Anomaly.
Leif:
How does that work?
52Nd Acolyte:
When the high priest deems it necessary, a piece of technology may be cleansed in the light of The Anomaly so that it may be freely used by us here at the temple.
Leif:
So, when you really want to use something, the high priest waves his hands over it and then you can use it.
52Nd Acolyte:
Yes, because it has been cleansed.
Leif:
That’s convenient.
52Nd Acolyte:
Oh, it’s very convenient. Trust me you do not want to climb the stairs all the way up to the High Priest’s chamber.
Verge:
I’m sorry, the what?
52Nd Acolyte:
The High Priest’s chamber. In the rare instance that a Vapian is brought to us, the High Priest insists he inspect them personally.
Leif:
Inspect them?
Verge:
This’ll be a fun meeting.
Leif:
You’re taking us to meet the High Priest of Moog right now?
52Nd Acolyte:
Oh yes. It’s quite an honor, isn’t it?
Leif:
Is it?
52Nd Acolyte:
Very few of us have been allowed to converse directly with the High Priest. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Leif:
Look, I really don’t need all that, I’m just trying to get paid and get out of here. Can you just take me to wherever I drop off the prisoners?
52Nd Acolyte:
Oh, I’m sorry, it’s required.
Leif:
Great. Let’s go meet the High Priest.
52Nd Acolyte:
I suggest this creature be on its best behavior.
Verge:
I would just like both of you to know, I’m in these arm restraints right now and... I’m into it.
52Nd Acolyte:
Disgusting.
Leif:
Noted.
In the grain storage sub-basement.
Dez:
You got your Red Rust, AKA Hydrated oxide. That’s the most common type out there. You got an even layer of corrosion across the material. That means you’ve got too much oxygen and water exposure. Then you got Yellow Rust. Iron oxide-hydroxide. You got standing water. It’s by the sink it’s by the bathtub. Are you in a submersible? Not for long if you got yellow rust.
46Th Acolyte:
Why are you telling me this-
Dez:
Brown Rust, brown rust is the opposite. You got a high oxygen/low moisture combo. Not a uniform rust, it shows up it spots, okay? Brown rust you look for when you think you’ve got contaminants in the metal. “If the rust is brown, your quality is down.” That’s what you say. THEN we got black rust-
46Th Acolyte:
Excuse me!
Dez:
Yeah?
46Th Acolyte:
Who are you? What are you doing here?
Dez:
I got a shipment of gruel here.
46Th Acolyte:
How does this relate to different types of rust?
Dez:
I was just making conversation.
46Th Acolyte:
We just received a shipment of gruel. Why is this here?
Dez:
I tried to tell this to the other guy, nothing I can do about someone else’s screw up. I don’t do returns.
46Th Acolyte:
So I have to stock all of this gruel and there’s nothing I can do about it?
Dez:
Organized society is real convenient except for one guy a day. You’re that guy today. Welcome to it.
46Th Acolyte:
Very well.
Dez:
There we go. Now we move on to the next part. That’s me getting paid. How does that happen?
46Th Acolyte:
This is infuriating. Follow me.
In the chamber of the high priest. religious music is playing.
Dez:
(In earpiece.) Okay, the stuff’s in place. Waiting for you.
Leif:
I’m afraid we’re experiencing a little setback. We need some time.
Dez:
What kind of setback?
52Nd Acolyte:
Oh great High Priest, we bring a great boon to you today! A bounty hunter has brought you one of the scourge! A Vapian!
A massive throne rotates and then stops.
High Priest:
Leave us.
52Nd Acolyte:
Of course. Glory to the Nth Anomaly!
A huge door closes.
Leif:
... Hi there... Nice tower you have here... Real brutalist aesthetic. Lots of concrete...
High Priest:
How did you catch it?
Leif:
Oh... uh... just got lucky really.
High Priest:
Lucky?
Leif:
Yes. They uh... Had fallen in a hole.
Verge:
Fallen in a hole?
Lei:
It’s always the simple things isn’t it? I was trying to catch a bear.
Verge:
What are you talking about?
Leif:
I don’t know.
High Priest:
... Is he gone?
Leif:
Who?
High Priest:
Number 52, is he gone?
Leif:
The guy who brought us up here?
High Priest:
Yes.
Leif:
Uh, yes he’s gone.
High Priest:
Good. Come closer.
Leif:
... Okay... What?
High Priest:
You have to get me out of here.
Leif:
I’m sorry?
High Priest:
You have to get me out of here!
Leif:
What are you talking about?
High Priest:
Do you have a ship? Can you get me out of here?
Leif:
I... Yes, I have a ship.
High Priest:
This is a nightmare. You have to get me out of here.
Leif:
I don’t understand.
High Priest:
It’s all a sham!
Leif:
What is?
High Priest:
This! Being High Priest! It’s all pointless!
Leif:
What’s all pointless?
High Priest:
The temple, the acolytes, the entire movement!
Leif:
But... there’s a bunch of acolytes in this tower who listen to you. They all look like you and they all listen to you.
High Priest:
And it’s the worst!
Leif:
I’m confused.
High Priest:
I began here as the 100th acolyte. I was fresh out of the test tube. I was ambitious. I had zeal. Now look at me.
Leif:
Now you’re the High Priest. Sounds like it worked.
High Priest:
Nobody told me it would be like this!
Leif:
Like what?
High Priest:
Boring! Miserable! It’s like prison! All I do is sit on this throne all day!
Leif:
What were you expecting?
High Priest:
I don’t know! The ways of the High Priest must be shrouded in mystery, they tell us. But there’s nothing to it. I just sit here!
Leif:
You... don’t do anything?
High Priest:
Nothing!
Verge:
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
High Priest:
I’m not! Can you believe it! You’ve got to get me out of here.
Leif:
Uh...
High Priest:
Look, I can see that it may be confusing. Look at this throne room, look at the throne, it really does look like important things happen here, doesn’t it?
Leif:
It does.
High Priest:
Nope! For years I would imagine all of the secret and important things that the High Priest would do all day. Communing with the Anomaly, learning great secrets, writing great tomes of knowledge. Guess what?
Leif:
No?
High Priest:
No! I’m just a figurehead. I’m here to be aspired to. I’m here to convince everyone that they could be me one day. But actually BEING me... Sucks real bad.
Leif:
Then why were we brought to see you?
High Priest:
Aha! That was part of my plan! My escape plan!
Leif:
We’re a part of your escape plan?
High Priest:
Yes! I can’t just pick up and leave, if the High Priest left because it was a crappy gig, all of the Acolytes would lose their minds. They need to feel like they’re working toward something. THEY ARE NOT WORKING TOWARD SOMETHING.
Verge:
This is insane. Take these fucking restraints off of me.
Leif:
One second.
High Priest:
Don’t let it free! It’ll kill me!
Leif:
Don’t worry about it. What was this plan?
High Priest:
I demanded to speak with the next bounty hunter who brought in a Vapian. If they brought in a Vapian then they certainly would be able to escape with me! Right? That makes sense, right? You could escape with me if you want?
Leif:
I... guess?
High Priest:
Good!
Leif:
Here’s the thing, High Priest. We actually had a plan to break someone else out of here.
High Priest:
Really? You’re in cahoots with this Vapian?
Verge:
Hurry up with the restraints.
Leif:
They’re very complicated.
High Priest:
Wait. I can help with that! Look.
The sound of a key on a chain.
High Priest:
I wear this key around my neck, it opens every door in the tower. We can get them out with this.
Leif:
Okay, that’s helpful.
Verge:
Leif!
Leif:
Okay, you’re free.
Verge:
Thank you! Where’s my gun?
Leif:
Here.
Verge:
So, you help us get our friend out with that key and we help you get out of this tower so you can live the life you want to live, is that the deal?
High Priest:
That’s the deal, what do you say?
Verge:
No.
Verge fires several shots from their plasma pistol. The High Priest drops to the ground.
Leif:
Oh shit.
High Priest:
Well... that’s one way... of escaping...
Leif:
... Honey, you just killed the High Priest of Moog.
Verge:
I did.
Leif:
That’s going to add a bit of urgency to our plan.
Verge:
Sorry. I can respect the Science Priests for being evil shitheads, but you don’t get to be an evil shithead and then back out of being an evil shithead. Commit to the bit, people. Besides, all we needed was his key.
Leif:
Okay, sure... Dez are you there?
Dez:
(In earpiece.) Yeah.
Leif:
Alice, are you ready?
Alice:
Sure, lets make a map.
Leif:
Blow it, Dez.
Dez:
Fire in the hole.
We hear the sound of several distant explosions.
Dez:
Kind of a shame, I wanted to try that gruel.
Leif:
Alice, is it working?
Alice:
Analyzing the seismic data from the explosions in the sub-basement... Bingo. I now have a sonar wire-frame map of the Tower of Enlightenment.
Leif:
Who’s the smartest guy?
Verge:
You are.
Alice:
I mean, I made the map.
Leif:
Which floor looks like jail cells?
Alice:
Probably about ten floors down.
Verge:
I’ve got the key. Let’s go save the princess.
Inside BertBert’s jail cell.
Bertbert:
Hello?... Hello?... What was that sound, it sounded like an explosion?
33Rd Acolyte:
(Outside the door.) Be quiet in there!
Bertbert:
It sounded pretty serious, are you sure you don’t want to check it out? Maybe you should call someone on your communicator, oh wait you don’t have one because technology is evil.
33Rd Acolyte:
Don’t your kind ever shut up?
Bertbert:
Historically, no.
33Rd Acolyte:
I am going to be there personally when they walk you to the neutralization chamber and I am going to love-... Who are you?
Leif:
(Outside the door.) Hi. Could you hold this for a second?
33Rd Acolyte:
What is it?
We hear a sieres of electric shocks.
33Rd Acolyte:
Hfhjiwdkljkopfkodpksakmppppppp
The 33rd acolyte falls to the ground.
Bertbert:
Hello?
The prison door is unlocked and swings open.
Leif:
Did someone order some criminals?
Bertbert:
Holy shit. Thank God.
Verge:
I’m assuming you’ve got some sort of martyrdom thing going on, sorry to ruin that for you.
Bertbert:
Get me the fuck out of here.
Verge:
Right this way M’lady.
Leif:
Okay, here’s the plan. We open all the jail cells, the prisoners run down to the bottom floor to escape and in doing so, distract the rest of the acolytes, then we head up to the roof where Dez picks us up in the Nancy Sinatra.
Bertbert:
Fine, whatever, let’s go.
Leif:
You two handle the freeing of the prisoners, I’ll meet you on the roof.
Verge:
Where are you going?
Leif:
There’s something I’d like to do before we go.
Bertbert:
What, hit the gift shop?
Leif:
Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you two on the roof.
Verge:
You’re insane.
Leif:
I know.
Bertbert:
Okay, well, what do I do?
Verge:
Keep watch around the corner while I unlock these doors. Take this.
Bertbert:
That’s a gun.
Verge:
Yes.
Bertbert:
Why am I taking it?
Verge:
To heat up a burrito, BertBert, why do you think?
Bertbert:
I’ve never shot a gun before.
Verge:
And I’ve never broken a Sigian out of prison, look at how we’re growing.
Verge starts unlocking prison cells.
Verge:
Okay, people. Closing time. Please exit certain doom through the ground floor.
The prisoners start to rush for the exits.
Verge:
In case you’re wondering, yes, this is a Vapian freeing you from execution, please remember that the next time you’re saying racist shit about us. Probably too much to ask.
34Th Acolyte:
There they are!
Bertbert:
Verge, they’re coming what do I do?
Verge:
What do you think I gave you the gun for?
Bertbert:
Fuck. Shit. Okay. Fuuuuuuuuck....
Bertbert fires several shots.
34Th Acolyte:
She’s got a gun!!!
Bertbert fires several more shots.
Bertbert:
Am I doing this right?
Verge:
Probably not, but they don’t know that.
One of the acolytes screams.
Bertbert:
Oh God, I hit one of them. Verge, I hit one of them.
Verge:
That is kind of the point.
Bertbert:
I just murdered someone. Oh, God I just murdered someone.
Verge:
If you murder a murderer it doesn’t count as murder.
Bertbert:
Where is that written?
Verge:
On my left ass cheek. Let’s head for the roof.
We move to the roof. The engines of the Nancy sinatra are idling. Dez stands with his big foot on one of the acolytes.
29Th Acolyte:
(Hard to understand with his face smushed into the ground.) You’ll live to regret this techno-slave.
Dez:
I’m having a hard time understanding you there, pal. I’m going to regret this, is that the deal?
29Th Acolyte:
Yes!
Dez:
Regret’s not really a problem for my people. See for Truskans there’s “What you do” and then there’s... well that’s really it. The stuff you don’t do doesn’t exist, and I can’t talk to you about something that doesn’t exist. Know what I mean?
29Th Acolyte:
No!
Dez:
What’s that?
29Th Acolyte:
No!
Dez:
That’s a shame. Way easier to live life that way.
Bertbert:
Dez!
Dez:
Hey there.
Verge:
Where’s Leif?
Dez:
I thought he was with you?
Verge:
He took a detour for some reason.
Dez:
I’m sure he’ll be along. I met this guy. Say hello, Guy.
29Th Acolyte:
Hello.
Dez:
Berts, you got yourself in a bit of a spot there.
Bertbert:
Just a bit of a spot, Dez. Yes.
Leif:
Are we ready to go?
Verge:
Where did you go?
Leif:
Don’t worry about it.
Dez:
All aboard. You can go now, Guy.
29Th Acolyte:
You heathens! You will all die in the light of the anomaly!
Verge:
Oh, get the fuck-
Verge starts shooting at his feet.
29Th Acolyte:
Ahhh! Ahhhhhh!
Verge:
Get the fuck out of here!
Doors close on the Nancy sinatra.
Dez:
Warming up the engines. Hey, Berts, you reconsidering a life in the nosey business there?
Bertbert:
Dez, what the hell are you doing here? You didn’t seem like the criminal type.
Dez:
What, you never got a Truskan Reminder before?
Bertbert:
What?
Dez:
Truskan Reminder. You know, suddenly your ship disappears from a docking station without a trace.
Bertbert:
What does that have to do with anything?
Dez:
On Trusk we figure, y’know, we built these ships, we can pretty much take them back any time we want.
Bertbert:
That’s wildly illegal.
Dez:
Yeah sure, YOU call it crime, but that’s a classification issue, if you catch my meaning.
Leif:
I got you something.
Verge:
What’s that?
Leif:
Here.
Verge:
It’s a remote.
Leif:
Yeah, press the button.
Verge:
What is it?
Leif:
It’s a present, press the button.
Verge:
... Okay.
Remote beeps. We hear a SeRiES of explosions and the temple of enlightenment beginning to collapse.
Bertbert:
Oh my God. Is the building collapsing?!
Leif:
Dez, you better get us in the air.
Dez:
Here we go.
Engines begin to fire on the nancy sinatra and the sound of the building’s collapse grows louder and louder.
Leif:
There it goes.
Verge:
What did you do?
Leif:
I saw the wire-frame and I thought, “Really would only take four explosions in the right place to bring it down.” So...
Verge:
And this is... a gift?
Leif:
Yeah.
Verge:
Leif... That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Leif:
Aw, stop.
Bertbert:
Did... you just kill every single one of the Science Priests?
Leif:
I mean... they were all clones... Technically I only killed one guy.
Verge:
They’ll make more.
Dez:
Building wasn’t structurally sound anyways.
Bertbert:
... Where is the booze on this ship?
The end