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Welcome to the Horizon Season 2:
Part 1: New in Town
We are in the back room of a rowdy bar. Outside the door we can hear the music and people of several different planets.
June:
I knew this guy once, he had aspirations. “Sweets” Martinez. He wanted to be a brewmaster. This is a common problem in Oregon because, if you have a garage and a jug and the right paperwork: Poof, you have a brewery in the eyes of the state. More micro-breweries per capita than any other state. Anyway, his whole thing was Espresso Stout. And I don’t mean the usual espresso stout that tastes like coffee, he was talking about literally combining beer and coffee. “Imagine getting up in the morning and having your first beer and your first cup of coffee. How does that sound?” Well, it sounds like an Alcoholism fast pass, is what it sounds like, Sweets. He responded: “Alcoholism is for quitters!” Special guy... Anyway, one day we all look around and we realize we hadn’t seen Sweets for a few days. This is a guy who never misses a day at the bar, right? So we don’t think much of it but Deidre, dear sweet summer child, Deidre. She thinks we’ve got to go do a wellness check on him and I’m like “All of us already know he’s unwell so... check!” But she won’t let it go, so we all pile into her truck bed with roadies and we head over to his trailer... I have no idea what we’re walking into but, if I had a hazmat suit in that moment... you know what I mean? So we’re all standing there outside his trailer and all of us are a little bit buzzed at this point because, how else are you going to do something you don’t want to do?... Deidre’s tapping on his door, tap tap tap “Sweets? Sweets, we’re worried about you, are you okay in there?” tap tap tap. “Oh, enough already!” I say, and I kick the door open... you guys... not even H.P. Lovecraft could describe the smell that came out of that trailer. My eyes were watering, I think it literally stripped my nail polish off. And somehow, it was NOT the smell of Sweets being dead, it was the smell of success! Turns out Sweets had finally cracked the code of his espresso/beer combo and he drank so much of it that he proceeded to poop himself nearly to death for the next three days... It was a grim scene, my friends. EMTs with gas masks had to get him out of there, they had to medi-vac him to OHSU... anyway, he’s a cop now... Why’s everybody looking at me?
Snorts:
Because the action is on you!
June:
Oh shit! It is?! I’m so sorry, I just... you know I thought of Sweets and that whole story came rushing back, okay! My turn. Here we go. Looking at cards... looking... at... cards... I raise.
Snorts:
Again?!
June:
Hey. Are we playing cards or are we playing cards, here?
Snorts:
You just told us a five minute story about your friend shitting himself!
June:
Right, that’s... guilty. I did do that. Apologies to the table, okay? But still... I raise twenty.
Snorts:
Twenty?!
June:
Hey. Relax. It’s only money.
Snorts:
Only money?!
June:
It is money right? That’s what we’re playing for? That’s what these little rectangle’s are?
Geegaa:
Enough, Snorts. The action’s on you.
June:
I’m sorry, what was your name again?
Snorts:
Snorts.
June:
Snorts?
Snorts:
I am Snorts Ma-Ghorts. The Axe of the Green Army.
June:
Axe?
Snorts drops his axe in the middle of the poker table.
June:
Hey, there it is.
Snorts:
This axe has eaten the souls of thousands.
June:
Well that is a very impressive axe, Snorts. Quick question, you do realize that everyone else is carrying around laser guns these days, right?
Geegaa:
Who’s still using laser guns?
Cyborg Jimmy:
The axe is largely ceremonial.
Geegaa:
Ceremonial?! You can see the blood stains on this blade, cyborg. You call it ceremonial.
Cyborg Jimmy:
I’m just saying, you can use other weapons, Snorts.
Geegaa:
You’re not getting into a gunfight with that thing.
Snorts:
I will show you how ceremonial my axe is!
June:
Whoa whoa whoa there, Snorts. No need for axe-play, have yourself a seat, we’re playing a game here.
Geegaa:
Where are you from, Stranger?
June:
Me?
Cyborg Jimmy:
You look like an Earthling.
June:
Earthling? No, no, you know I get that a lot actually, I’m from... Kenndaddi.
Cyborg Jimmy:
Kenndaddi.
Geegaa:
Never heard of it.
June:
Have you not? Well, that’s not surprising it’s waaay out there. You know out there?
Geegaa:
What?
Snorts:
Can we play this game please?!
June:
Oh my god, Snorts, the action is on you.
Snorts:
Is it?
June:
Yeah.
Snorts:
I knew that!
June:
Then go for it!
Snorts:
FINE! I am all in!
June:
Now we’re talking.
Cyborg Jimmy:
Seriously Snorts?
Geegaa:
You do this every time.
Snorts:
You doubt the strength of my hand?
Cyborg Jimmy:
Every time we play, you go all in and you lose, and then split the table in half with your ridiculous axe.
Snorts:
I have not split the table for at least three weeks AND DON’T CALL MY AXE RIDICULOUS!
June:
Okay, Snorts, no need to get upset. We respect your agency, okay? I hear and I see you. Guys, Snorts is going all in, it’s his choice. Who else is coming with him?
Geegaa:
I fold.
Cyborg Jimmy:
As do I.
Snorts:
Very well. The action is on you, Kenndaddian.
June:
Okay. Brief side note, Shorts. People from Kenndaddi prefer to be called Kenndadiites.
Snorts:
I will call you dead if you do not take your turn!
June:
You know Snorts, there are a lot of decaffeinated brands out there that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Snorts:
Take. Your. Turn.
June:
Okay. I call.
June lays her cards on the table.
June:
Uh oh.
Geegaa:
That’s four aces.
Cyborg Jimmy:
She wins.
Snorts:
WHAT?!
June:
Good game, Snorts.
Snorts:
That’s impossible!
June:
The cards don’t lie.
Snorts:
That’s the third hand in a row!
June:
I know! Amazing luck tonight.
Snorts:
That is not luck, that is cheating!
June:
Snorts. How dare you!
Cyborg Jimmy:
For fuck’s sake, Snorts.
Snorts:
Empty your pockets!
June:
Snorts, please, I’m a woman, our clothes don’t have pockets.
Snorts:
I can see them on you!
June:
Are you checking me out, Snorts?
Snorts:
ENOUGH!
Snorts turns over the card table as we move to outside the club. An alien lady walks by edgy steve.
Edgy Steve:
How are we doing tonight, ladies?
Alien Lady:
Hey, Space Cowboy, is that your ride?
Edgy Steve:
Yeah, this is mine. What’s up?
June bursts out of the club.
June:
Steve!
Edgy Steve:
Over here!
June:
Did you find us a ride?
Edgy Steve:
Yeah, what do you think?
June:
What is it?
Edgy Steve:
I don’t know, but I stole it.
June:
Whatever, let’s go. There’s a guy with an axe chasing me.
Edgy Steve:
An axe?
Snorts comes out of the club WIELDING his axe.
Snorts:
Come back here!
Edgy Steve:
Oh shit!
June:
Let’s go!
Edgy Steve:
Hop on!
Edgy steve fires up a space age motorcycle.
June:
It doesn’t have wheels.
Edgy Steve:
Apparently that doesn’t matter!
The bike hovers off the ground and zips away.
June:
Bye Snorts!
Snorts yells in anger!
Snorts:
You think you have fooled me, Kenndaddian... But I have your scent now...
Intro music.
As the intro music fades, we hear a radio transistor turn on and deidre speaking into a microphone.
Deidre:
Good morning, Hood’s Pocket, I hope everyone is feeling a little better this morning. We know now that when we travel it can make a lot of y’all sick for a minute, so if you’re feeling under the weather get yourself down to Trikett’s. She’s got some sort of tea that will help you with the nausea. Now, I know a lot of you are really nervous because we’re still trying to get our bearings in this new place. We’ve got space ships flying over our head and yes, the rumors are true, we’ve got a group of aliens staying at the Horizon right now. I have it on good authority that they are called Truskans and they may look like big monsters, but they’re harmless. But on the topic of where the hell we are, I have some news that’s hot of the presses: We have a name for this place. Welcome, everyone to the planet of Rax Prime, just outside the capital city of Raxius. Here’s what we know: Rax Prime is in the Andromeda galaxy, isn’t that crazy? We’re in a part of Andromeda that is apparently called the Iron Quadrant. Now, listen close, here’s the deal with the Iron quadrant... Have any of y’all heard the stories about Portland at the turn of the century? Around the year 1900 Portland was made up of unemployed miners, sailors, lumberjacks, and criminals. It was known as the most dangerous place in the country, and there were a lot of dangerous places in the country back then. Organized crime, racketeering, people getting shanghaied, and it didn’t really get straightened out until World War II came along. Anyway, try and imagine turn of the century Portland, but in space. That’s basically where we are. It’s hard living here in the Iron Quadrant, and in Raxius, the city that’s a two hour drive from us, it’s the worst of the worst. But don’t worry, they have no idea we’re here yet. And let’s try and keep it that way, okay guys?
Verge emerges from the bedroom, ready to go.
Verge:
If you see something, say something.
Deidre:
Right, remember, if you see anything that looks weird or out of place, remember that all of our phones are connected through Eldin now. Pick up your phone, say “Eldin” and just start talking about what you’re seeing. It’ll get sent to us up here at our house, okay? We can do this, y’all, we did just fine in medieval Bavaria and we did even better in that place that I still can’t pronounce. Stay calm, stay cautious, and I will see all of you down at the Sheep’s Eye.
Diedre ends her broadcast and turns to Verge.
Verge:
You’re good with a microphone, I think you missed your calling.
Deidre:
Look at you all ready to go and I’m still in my pajamas.
Verge:
I’m going to get up higher on the mountain and have a look around. Raxius is surrounded by about a million secret criminal hideaways--I don’t want anyone getting curious.
Deidre:
I still don’t understand how a whole mountain appeared outside this city and no one’s noticed.
Verge:
BugBug’s Teeth.
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
Raxius is surrounded by a nasty mountain range called BugBug’s Teeth. We landed right in the middle of them.
Deidre:
But still. It’s a mountain.
Verge:
Think about a huge mountain range. If another mountain showed up overnight, would you really notice?
Deidre:
Someone’s going to notice.
Verge:
They haven’t yet.
Eldin:
I’m monitoring all frequencies, Deidre. If there’s any chatter about a new mountain, I’ll hear about it.
Deidre:
Good morning, Eldin.
Eldin:
Good morning, Deidre. I have news.
Deidre:
What’s up?
Eldin:
Your suspicions were correct. You have a mild allergy to nightshades.
Deidre:
I knew it!
Eldin:
I’d stay away from tomatoes, squash, and potatoes if I were you.
Deidre:
That sucks, what about sweet potatoes?
Eldin:
Sweet potatoes are fine.
Deidre:
Great.
Verge:
Eldin’s reading your vitals now?
Deidre:
What? We can share.
Verge:
Okay. Don’t go taking the Phoenix for a joyride though.
Deidre:
No, you can have the spaceship and the terrifying laser gun.
Verge:
Plasma.
Deidre:
Whatever.
Verge:
... You said “our house.”
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
On the radio just now, you said “our house.”
Deidre:
Yes, I did.
Verge:
...
Deidre:
... Eldin, how are Verge’s vitals right now?
Eldin:
They’re slightly elevated, Deidre.
Verge:
Fuck off.
Deidre:
Hey. Go out there and keep me safe. You know I’m a helpless damsel in here.
Verge:
Yes, milady.
Verge heads for the door.
Deidre:
You’re great.
Verge:
You’re great.
Verge walks out the front door and heads down the front steps.
Eldin:
I think we’re doing an exceptional job of being completely honest and also downplaying the amount of danger we’re in.
Verge:
If Raxius discovers this place, it’ll be overrun in about fifteen minutes.
Eldin:
Everyone’s behaving themself so far.
Verge:
How long do we think that’s going to last?
Eldin:
Not long at all, but we can dream.
Verge:
... How do we protect a small town of humans from a city full of the biggest scumbags in the Triad?
Eldin:
I’m sure the answer lies in trying to figure it all out ourselves and not relying on anyone else for help.
Verge:
Okay, fuck you. I’m growing.
Eldin:
It’s not exactly a small town of humans, we have whatever in the world Frank is and whatever the hell Trinkett is becoming.
Verge:
Yeah, have you seen her eyes lately?
Eldin:
It’s fascinating isn’t it?
Verge:
It’s weird.
Eldin:
I’m not sure when we’ll be back home, but when we are I am going to dump some very steamy data into all sorts of knowledge bases.
Verge:
That sounds dirty.
Eldin:
Oh it will be.
Verge:
You sure you can’t connect to the network? It’d be great to have a look around.
Eldin:
I could but we’d better err on the side of caution for the time being. We don’t want to attract any unnecessary attention. I’ll work off the archive in the Phoenix for now and if we have to take a peek outside our local network, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Let’s remain calm. All members of Hood’s Pocket are currently in the town borders, or at least their phones are.
Verge:
Fine. Leave a message with Frank, tell him I’m headed higher up the mountain.
Eldin:
Message sent.
Verge:
See there, I shared.
Eldin:
Gold star on the board for you today.
Verge:
Let me know when June is up, I need a drink already.
Eldin:
She’s at The Horizon. She hasn’t moved all night.
Verge:
Okay, let’s go.
We move to outside Peppercorn’s Shop and go. The sun is just starting to rise and all is quiet. The silence is suddenly pierced by Steve and June careening through town on a hover bike. They round the corner. Steve is still getting the hang of it.
Edgy Steve:
Yeeeee-haw!
June:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!
They crash into a cluster of trash cans, making a huge racket.
June:
Goddamnit, Steve!
Edgy Steve:
Not bad for my first time!
June:
Next time I drive the hover thingee.
Edgy Steve:
We need to get a sidecar.
June:
Okay, we’ve got about an hour before Frank finds out and gets real mad. I’m going into Peppercorn’s.
Edgy Steve:
That was wild! At one point I saw a dude that either had two heads or was carrying a smaller dude on his back, I don’t know which it was.
They fling the door open to peppercorn’s.
June:
Good morning, Doug!
Flat Doug:
June, what is that outside?
June:
That’s our new ride, what do you think?
Flat Doug:
Where did it come from?
June:
Steve stole it.
Edgy Steve:
I stole it.
Flat Doug:
Stole it from who?
Edgy Steve:
I don’t know whose it is, I just got on and starting riding it.
Flat Doug:
Do not tell me you went into that city.
June:
Relax, Doug. It was just a little jaunt.
Flat Doug:
A jaunt.
June:
Yeah, we dipped in there, I played some cards, Steve stole a hover thingee and now we’re back. Easy peasy.
Flat Doug:
Cards?
June:
Yeah, check it out: I won these.
June unloads her winnings onto counter.
Flat Doug:
What are those?
June:
I think it’s money.
Flat Doug:
Frank is not going to like this, June.
June:
Doug, Frank hasn’t liked anything since 1991.
Flat Doug:
I just listened to Deidre’s morning broadcast and she told us to not leave town for any reason.
Edgy Steve:
I guess we missed that one.
June:
Yeah, see? Frank can’t get mad at us for being uninformed.
Flat Doug:
I’m sure he’s going to anyway.
June:
Well, he’s also been mad at me since 1991. I’m sure I can handle it.
Edgy Steve:
Hey, Doug. So all this stuff just magically shows up again, huh?
Flat Doug:
Believe it or not. I close up at night and then when I walk into the stock room the next day, there it is.
Edgy Steve:
So, if I take this bag of Bugles, and I put it right outside the front door, there’ll be another one that takes it’s place in the morning?
Flat Doug:
I really have no idea, Steve.
June:
Hey Doug, where’ve you been lately? I haven’t seen you around the Sheep’s Eye.
Flat Doug:
Oh, uh, I’ve just been doing some gardening.
June:
Gardening.
Flat Doug:
That’s right.
Edgy Steve:
This is a new thing?
Flat Doug:
Yes, why?
June:
You weren’t gardening before?
Flat Doug:
What do you mean?
Edgy Steve:
Your personality just kind of screams “gardener,” man.
Flat Doug:
It does?
June:
For sure.
Flat Doug:
Well, it’s new. It’s a new thing that I’m trying.
Edgy Steve:
Alright, I’ve got my Bugles, what are you getting?
June:
Doug, I will be taking these three tall boys and these corn nuts and I will look forward to them being magically back tomorrow.
Flat Doug:
Thanks for shopping at Peppercorns Shop and Go.
June:
Hey, congrats on your new life as a gardener, but don’t be a stranger, okay?
Flat Doug:
It’s a town of 600 people, there are no strangers.
June:
Touché.
June walks out into the parking lot of Peppercorns and sits. Steve fires up the hover bike.
Edgy Steve:
I think it’s time for me to name her.
June:
Okay, Steve, go for it.
Edgy Steve:
... Big Whiskey.
June:
Nice.
Edgy steve takes off on big whiskey and instantly hits a tree.
June:
Oh, Jesus.
Edgy Steve:
It’s okay, I’m good!
Edgy steve takes off again and zips away.
June:
Yeah, he’s going to die.
There is a quiet moment and then we begin to hear the sound of a large vehicle heading into town.
June:
Mmm. That doesn’t sound good.
A large, hovering vehicle pulls around the corner and comes to a stop. The door opens and snorts emerges.
Snorts:
Kenndaddian!
June:
For fuck’s sake, Snorts?
Snorts:
You have stolen my money!
June:
Snorts, let me explain to you how gambling works.
Snorts:
You have cheated me and you shall pay the price!
June:
Snorts, don’t get your axe out.
Snorts:
With this axe, I shall strike you down for your insolence!
June:
You’re just living in your own little world inside your head, aren’t you Snorts?
Snorts:
Say a prayer to your Gods!
Snorts screams as he swings his axe, but rather than hitting June we hear it clash with a broadsword.
Snorts:
What is this?!
Tavrok:
... You dare raise your blade to my woman?
June:
Uh oh, Snorts. You fucked up now.
Snorts:
I see. So you do not fight your own battles, then?
June:
Snorts, why in the world would I fight my own battles? That sounds exhausting.
Snorts:
And who might you be?
Tavrok:
I am Tavrok Stormbringer, son of Francis, and this mountain is under my protection. Relent or face my steel.
Snorts:
If I must kill two, then so be it!
Snorts screams and the battle begins. Tavrok and snorts launch into an epic sword fight.
June:
You get him, honey!
June cracks open a tall boy.
June:
Who needs television, am I right?
Frank has come around the corner and has been watching the nonsense.
Frank:
June.
June:
Frankie!
Frank:
What the fuck is going on?
June:
Tavrok is defending my honor.
Frank:
From what?
June:
That’s Snorts Ma-Gorts, very bad guy, serious problem.
Frank:
Uh huh.
June:
Tavrok’s got it handled though.
Frank:
Great.
They watch the sword fight for a bit.
Frank:
... How does he already have his shirt off?
June:
It’s amazing, right? He’s like a reverse super hero, as soon as there’s trouble, the clothes come off. You’re doing a great job honey! (To Frank.) Beer?
Frank:
... Sure.
June:
Now we’re talking.
June cracks open the other beer.
Frank:
Here’s your phone.
June:
What’s that?
Frank:
You left your phone at the Horizon.
June:
Did I? Look at me, so forgetful.
Frank:
Uh huh. Eldin told us not to go anywhere without our phones, it’s how he makes sure we’re safe.
June:
I know, silly me.
Frank:
It’s also how he’s able to make sure we’re still in town and haven’t gotten lost in the woods.
June:
Yes, he’s such a mother hen, isn’t he?
Frank:
Because, you know, if we did get lost in the woods we may be followed home. By, say, a seven foot tall, axe-weilding, space monster.
June:
... Uh-huh.
Frank:
Seems to me if someone wanted to sneak out of town for a night, the best way to do that would be to leave their phone at home.
June:
Yes, well let’s be sure no one does that, right? That would be a huge mistake.
The door to Trinkett’s shop opens and trinkett walks out.
Frank:
Oh hey. Good morning, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Hey there everyone... this is entertaining. Who’s the axe guy?
June:
Snorts Ma-Gorts. It’s okay, Tavrok’s got it handled. Sweetie, I’ve got that beer that you like, when you’re done.
Tavrok:
Thank you, my love!
Frank:
How’d you sleep, Trinkett?
Trinkett:
You know, it’s so funny, I woke up this morning with a strange feeling that June and Steve left town last night and went on a little excursion into that big city we’re supposed to stay away from.
Frank:
No.
June:
Goddamnit.
Frank:
Good thing June has way more sense than to do something that stupid.
June:
Okay.
Trinkett:
That’s true. We can always count on her to do the responsible thing.
June:
Alright, enough already!
Tavrok disarms snorts and sends his axe flying across the parking lot.
Snorts:
Damn you, swordsman!
Tavrok:
I have bested you, Orc. Reach for your axe and I run you through.
Snorts:
You are defending a thief!
Tavrok:
Watch your tongue!
Frank:
Hang on a sec, there, Tavrok. How is she a thief?
Snorts:
She’s has taken my money through a complicated deception. She has called it “Hold Them Texas!”
June:
Texas Hold Em, Snorts.
Frank:
Okay, Snorts that’s not exactly theft but I’m sure it feels that way. Can you do us all a favor and get back into your monster truck?
Snorts:
... You... You are all Earthlings.
Frank:
Oh, fucking hell.
June:
Earthlings? Snorts, don’t be ridiculous I’m a... whatever that name was that I said. What was it I said I was?
Snorts:
What... what is this place?
June:
Welcome to Hood’s Pocket, Snorts.
Snorts:
I have not heard of this place.
June:
Well don’t spread it around, Snorts, then it won’t be cool.
Snorts:
What goes on in this place? You Earthlings are far from home.
Tavrok:
This is our home, and you are an intruder. Leave now.
Snorts:
I see... Whatever this place is, you choose to defend a thief.
June:
Guy sucks at cards and it makes me a thief? Whatever.
Frank:
I’m going to fucking kill you.
June:
What?
Snorts:
I will take my leave. But this is not the last you have seen of Snorts Ma-Gorts.
June:
Okay, toodles, Snorts. Don’t forget what I said about decaffeinated coffee.
Snorts shuts the door to his vehicle and drives away.
Frank:
June. What the fuck have you been up to?
June:
Okay, look-
Steve approaches riding on big whiskey.
Edgy Steve:
Hey, y’all, there’s some kind of huge truck heading out of town, WHOA-
Steve crashes into the trashcans again.
Edgy Steve:
I’m good!
Trinkett:
Frank, Verge and Eldin are up on the mountain and Eldin is a little upset.
Frank:
Really?
Doug walks outside.
Flat Doug:
Frank, Eldin is up on the mountain and wants to know why everyone’s phone is off.
Eldin:
(In Doug’s phone.) Frank, why is everyone’s phone off?
Frank:
Is my phone off?
June:
So irresponsible.
Frank:
So is yours.
Eldin:
Frank, do my eyes deceive me or was Tavrok just in a sword fight with an Ugmok of the Green Army.
Frank:
A who of the what?
June:
His name was Snorts Ma-Gorts.
Eldin:
For fuck’s sake, June.
June:
It’s not my fault!
Frank:
Eldin, who was that guy?
Verge:
(In Doug’s phone.) Frank, Ugmoks are kind of a joke, but this guy is probably headed back into Raxius now, right?
Frank:
I guess.
Trinkett:
He’s definitely headed back. He’s moving very fast.
Verge:
And he made some sort of ominous threat about how he’d be back or something, right? He swore vengeance?
Frank:
He may have sworn vengeance.
Verge:
Uh huh. And how do you think that effects our plan to lay low and hope no one notices us?
Frank:
Goddamnit. Eldin, let everyone know. Town meeting at noon.
Eldin:
I’ll send out the message.
Frank:
... You couldn’t have stayed home and played some fucking Monopoly?
June:
I can’t play with our Monopoly set, it’s missing the Iron!
We move around the mountain to the listening station, currently under construction. We can hear hammers and power tools in the background. Private Kennedy approaches.
Private Kennedy:
Ma’am?
Celeste:
Yes, Private.
Private Kennedy:
It looks like we’ve reconnected to the well pump, so we should have running water again soon.
Celeste:
Well, look at that, what a luxury.
Deidre’s truck approaches.
Private Kennedy:
Lunch is here.
Celeste:
Good, would you help Deidre unload it, please?
Private Kennedy:
Yes ma’am.
Deidre hops out of the truck.
Deidre:
Hey, Sarge.
Celeste:
Hello, Deidre.
Deidre:
Things are looking better up here.
Celeste:
Yes, apparently we even have running water again.
Deidre:
Very luxurious.
Celeste:
Oh yes, it’s like the Four Seasons.
A large spacecraft passes overhead and is gone.
Celeste:
I’m going to have to just get used to spacecraft passing overhead aren’t I?
Deidre:
For the time being.
Celeste:
I was a little disturbed by your broadcast this morning. This city, what is it called, Raxius?
Deidre:
Yes.
Celeste:
Doesn’t sound like the safest place in the world to me.
Deidre:
I know, but we’re doing fine so far, and remember it’s not forever. If it’s anything like the last two times it’ll be six months and then...
Celeste:
And then we’ll find ourselves somewhere else again.
Deidre:
Yes. Looks like.
Celeste:
I’m a little worried about my people, Deidre.
Deidre:
I’m sure.
Celeste:
Rebuilding the station has been a good project to keep everyone distracted, but when we’re done, we’ll be without a mission. And we military types don’t do well in those situations.
Deidre:
I’m sure there’ll be plenty for you to do.
Private Kennedy:
Hey, Deidre?
Deidre:
Hey, Debbie.
Private Kennedy:
So, is Steve not coming by today?
Deidre:
Steve left me a message, but I think he was driving, I couldn’t quite hear him. I think he was on a motorcycle?
Private Kennedy:
Okay so he’s... he’s going to be here tomorrow, though?
Deidre:
Uh, I think so.
Celeste:
Private Kennedy is worried that Steve won’t be here to deliver the marijuana he’s been secretly providing to my people.
Deidre:
Oh.
Celeste:
They think I don’t know about it, but guess what, Deidre?
Private Kennedy:
I’m- It’s not for me, it’s for... it’s for another person.
Deidre:
Uh huh.
Celeste:
Private, if you’re not too high, could you unload the rest of the lunches, please?
Private Kennedy:
Yes, Ma’am.
Deidre:
Can you really blame them?
Celeste:
Are you kidding, you should’ve seen me in high school. I had dreadlocks.
Deidre:
You did?
Eldin:
(In Deidre’s phone.) Deidre, are you with the Sergeant Major right now?
Deidre:
I am.
Eldin:
Sergeant, I’m afraid we need to have an emergency town meeting today at noon. We’ve had some developments.
Celeste:
Oh, good.
Deidre:
Speaking of having something to do.
Celeste:
Do you think Frank’s ever going to realize nothing is ever fixed by a town meeting?
Deidre:
Nope.
Celeste:
Great.
We move to outside the sheep’s eye. June is drinking coffee. deidre swings the open door open and Frank is already yelling at the crowd.
Frank:
Goddamnit, Helen, you’re not going to dig a bunker! We’re on a mountain, are you digging into the bedrock with your weed whacker?
The door closes.
Deidre:
Hey, June.
June:
Hey, Deidre, how’s Frank doing in there?
Deidre:
He’s completely exasperated, so he’s in his element.
June:
Fantastic.
Deidre:
So, Tavrok had a sword fight with an alien this morning?
June:
Oh, you should’ve seen it. It was beautiful. Lots of people think he’s all talk, but no no, he’s mostly sword.
Deidre:
And this was after you snuck into the incredibly dangerous city and cheated at poker?
June:
I did not sneak and I did not cheat. How dare you?
Deidre:
You left your phone at the Horizon so you wouldn’t be detected.
June:
Okay fine, it was a little sneaky.
Deidre:
We’re apparently in a pretty dangerous place, June.
June:
Deidre, what am I supposed to do? There’s a sci-fi city two hours away and I’m supposed to sit at home and watch movies? Movies that will probably have a sci-fi city in them?
Deidre:
This isn’t a movie, June. It’s real life.
June:
Then why does it feel so much like a movie?
The door swings open and trinkett walks out.
Frank:
Jesus Christ, not the clipboard again.
Flat Doug:
I just want to make a list of everyone’s concerns. We’ll address them one at a time.
Frank:
Give me the clipboard.
Flat Doug:
Frank.
Frank:
Give me the clipboard!
Flat Doug:
Frank!
The door closes.
Trinkett:
I feel like these town meetings never have the intended effect.
June:
The intended effect is to keep us entertained, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Okay, well in that case.
Deidre:
I think when Frank instituted the “no drinks before the meeting is over” rule is when the wheels came off the wagon.
Trinkett:
What’s going on out here, Ladies?
June:
Why are you asking? Can’t you use your magical witchy-poo powers and tell us?
Trinkett:
I can, do you want me to?
June:
No, it freaks me out.
Trinkett:
Hm... Verge is up the mountain again, what’s going on?
June:
See, like that right there. It freaks me out.
Deidre:
They’ve been really on edge ever since we got here. Lots of “keeping a lookout” and “checking the perimeter.”
Trinkett:
Yeah, I can feel that. I hope you’re taking time with each other. Intimacy is really going to help with a lot of this anxiety.
June:
Doctor Ruth in Space over here.
Trinkett:
That goes for you too, June. Where is Tavrok right now?
June:
Why don’t you tell me with your crystal ball?
Trinkett:
That was a rhetorical, June. He’s chopping wood.
June:
I know he is. Side note: Medieval lifestyle? 90% chopping wood. You don’t see that at the Ren Fair.
Trinkett:
I’m just saying, respectfully, that in times like these you two need to make sure and be attentive to your relationships, that’s all.
June:
Are we on Space Oprah right now? What is happening?
Trinkett:
I’m especially talking to you, June. Deidre is in a relationship with a literal alien, which is somehow more likely than you being in a long term relationship.
June:
Wow.
Trinkett:
Respectfully.
June:
Wow, Trinkett.
Deidre:
I kind of feel that.
June:
I don’t need your sick burns from the astral plane, thank you.
We have started to hear Edgy Steve coming up the street on big whiskey.
Edgy Steve:
Y’all!
Deidre:
Oh, Jesus. Who’s idea was it to give Steve some sort of floaty-bike?
June:
It just kind of happened. What’s up, Steve?
Edgy Steve:
Check it out. I learned how to park.
June:
Are you sure?
Steve comes to a very sensible stop.
Edgy Steve:
Boom.
June:
Very impressive.
The hover bike falls over into trashcans.
Edgy Steve:
Oh, shit!
June:
Always the trashcans.
Trinkett:
At least he’s happy.
Edgy Steve:
Y’all. Hey. Check it out. I’ve been thinking about our situation, right?
Deidre:
Our situation?
Edgy Steve:
A city full of bad guys--we’re here like sitting ducks, right? Our situation.
Deidre:
Okay.
Edgy Steve:
I’ve been thinking about it... and I think I have a plan.
Deidre:
... A plan.
Edgy Steve:
A plan.
June:
A plan. Steve you realize that a plan entails a beginning and an end and several steps in-between, right?
Edgy Steve:
Oh yeah. I’ve got all of that.
June:
Really?
Trinkett:
Okay, Steve. What’s your plan?
Edgy Steve:
Well-
June:
Hang on. I really think that Steve should unveil his plan for Frank in the town meeting, shouldn’t he?
Deidre:
Oh, God.
Edgy Steve:
I should.
June:
He’s really going to want to hear it, isn’t he guys?
Trinkett:
I want to say no, but I have to watch it happen.
June:
Right?
Edgy Steve:
Let’s get in there, c’mon!
June:
Here we go.
Deidre:
You guys go ahead. We’re running low on chips, I need to borrow some from the store.
Edgy Steve:
Wish me luck, Deidre.
Deidre:
Good luck!
Deidre starts walking across the street. Behind her we hear the door to the sheep’s eye open.
June:
Frank, great news! Steve has a plan!
The door closes.
Deidre:
(Laughing to herself.) Steve’s got a plan.
Deidre is about to walk into the store when she is descended upon by battlepope and bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
Well, well, what have we got here, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
I didn’t believe it myself but there she is, Bugaboo.
Deidre:
Uh, hello.
Bugaboo:
You know, we usually don’t traffic in rumors do we Battlepope?
Battlepope:
No, we do not, but every once and a while... a whole town full of Earthlings.
Bugaboo:
You know what, Battlepope? There is not one person out there who’s going to believe us.
Battlepope:
We’ll need some physical proof, won’t we Bugaboo?
Deidre:
Who are you guys?
Bugaboo:
Allow me to address her directly, if you don’t mind, Battlepope.
Battlepope:
You go right ahead, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
Good evening, ma’am. My name is Bugaboo and this is my associate, Battlepope.
Deidre:
What’s this about?
Bugaboo:
Well, we’re just a couple of working stiffs, ma’am, and like all working stiffs, we have an employer. An employer that relies on us to keep them informed of certain goings on.
Battlepope:
And clearly ma’am, something around here is going on.
Deidre:
Look, we’re just a town full of normal people trying to get through the day, alright?
Bugaboo:
And what a laudable disposition that is. Don’t you agree, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
I do, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
But sadly ma’am, there ain’t no one keeping track of commendations these days.
Bugaboo draws a gun.
Bugaboo:
Now, ma’am, seeing as how you’re an Earthling, and not read in on the finer points of the world you find yourself in, let me be plain: this, ma’am, is a gun. And you’re on the wrong end of it.
Battlepope:
But if you come along with us and you play nice, you won’t need to worry about a thing.
Deidre:
Oh, God.
Verge calls from across the street.
Verge:
I should’ve known the first ones to show up would be you two fucking weevils.
Bugaboo:
... Well now... Do my eyes deceive me, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
If they are, then mine are as well, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
That you, Verge?
Verge:
Well it’s not your fucking mother, is it?
Battlepope:
Aren’t you supposed to be dead somewhere?
Bugaboo:
In a Jail somewhere?
Verge:
Probably. I guess you guys just got lucky.
Deidre:
Verge.
Verge:
It’s okay, sweetie.
Bugaboo:
Sweetie?
Battlepope:
Sweetie.
Bugaboo:
Verge, have we stumbled upon a lass of note this afternoon?
Verge:
“Lass of note”? Why the fuck do you idiots talk this way?
Battlepope:
Verge, while your presence here is puzzling indeed, we have other business to attend to.
Verge:
Like abducting innocent people off the street?
Bugaboo:
“It’s a living,” as they often say.
Battlepope:
They do say that.
Verge:
(To Eldin.) Eldin?
Eldin:
Battlepope and Bugaboo have never been marksmen, but they’re both carrying Boomhowers which are fairly idiot-proof. Best not to risk it.
Verge:
(To Battlepope and Bugaboo) I’m not sure what you two want with her, but how how about instead of killing each other, I make you a deal?
Battlepope:
A deal?
Eldin:
A deal?
Deidre:
Verge.
Verge:
No matter what she’s worth to you, I’m assuming I’m worth more?
Bugaboo:
I’m not one for arithmetic.
Battlepope:
But let’s go ahead and assume in the positive.
Verge:
Fine... Me for her, then.
Deidre:
Verge, what are you doing?
Eldin:
Yes, what are you doing?
Verge:
It’s fine, sweetie. Don’t worry.
Bugaboo:
And how do you imagine we arrange that?
Verge:
I’ll go first... I’ve got my gun here, and I’m putting it on the ground. I’ll leave my Tangle on the ground as well.
Eldin:
Oh I’d love to know the thinking behind whatever this nonsense is.
Verge:
Shut up... Okay, here I am. My hands are up... Let her go.
Bugaboo:
And why don’t we just shoot you dead right now, Verge?
Verge:
I don’t have all of my hands up, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
...
Battlepope:
...
Bugaboo:
Alright then. Why don’t you run along, little lady, I’m afraid we’re cutting bait for a bigger fish.
Deidre:
Verge!
Verge:
Everything’s going to be fine.
Bugaboo:
Bring our ride around, won’t you, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
I’d love to, Bugaboo.
A hovering craft begins to approach.
Eldin:
Any last words?
Verge:
Yes. You worry too much.
Deidre:
What are you doing? This is a terrible idea.
Verge:
I need you to trust me, okay?
Bugaboo:
Right this way, Verge.
Verge:
Trust me.
Verge climbs into the hover car and the car speeds away.
Deidre:
Oh my god, what do we do?
Eldin:
They’ve either got some sort of plan or they’re just hoping it all works out. Go get Frank.
Deidre:
Okay.
Deidre runs off, up the stairs to the Sheep’s eye and throws open the door.
Deidre:
Frank!
The door closes behind her.
Eldin:
... And I suppose I’ll just lay here on the sidewalk!
We move to inside battlepope and bugaboo’s ship as it reaches orbit around RAX PRIME.
Bugaboo:
We have achieved orbit, setting course for the Galaxy Brain.
Battlepope:
How do you think our guest is doing back there, Bugaboo? Do you think the restraints are too tight? I'd hate for them to be uncomfortable.
Bugaboo:
They are famous for being comfortable in tight spots, Battlepope.
Battlepope:
Shall I send a message to the Galaxy Brain, Bugaboo? Let them know about the big fish we're about to reel in?
Bugaboo:
It would give them time to roll out the red carpet, Battlepope.
Verge:
I wouldn't do that if I were you, fellas. It's a long ride back to the Galaxy Brain and you don't want to advertise to your colleagues that you've got a big prize on board. Pirates do love to pirate from each other.
Bugaboo:
Well look at that. Out of the mouths of babes.
Battlepope:
We'll keep it to ourselves for the time being, Bugaboo.
Verge:
What's the bounty on me up to these days? You guys gonna finally upgrade this piece of shit cruiser?
Bugaboo:
Oh, we're way past that.
Battlepope:
We hear tell that the lucky pirate who brings you in gets an entire cluster of systems all to themself.
Bugaboo:
The Lord of all you survey.
Verge:
Really?
Battlepope:
You're taking us into the big time, Verge.
Verge:
Well I can't think of anyone who doesn't deserve it more than you two.
Bugaboo:
Stop it. We're blushing.
An alert sounds in the cockpit.
Battlepope:
Well, I’ll be damned.
Bugaboo:
What’s the problem, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
We appear to have a disconnect to the reactor vent.
Bugaboo:
I do hate that.
Battlepope:
As do I. We’re not going to go anywhere with a reactor disconnect.
Bugaboo:
And which one of us do we think is gonna head outside and fix it, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
... Well I suppose you were the last one out in the black, weren’t you?
Bugaboo:
Spent a whole oxygen tank changing the floodlights not ten days ago.
Battlepope:
Well, then, I must do my part, mustn’t I, Bugaboo?
Bugaboo:
No “I” in team, and all that.
Battlepope exits the cockpit and begin to fasten a helmet.
Battlepope:
When oh when will the work all be done?
Verge:
When you’re dead?
Battlepope:
When I’m dead, or when I’m rich. Let’s see which comes first, shall we?
Battlepope activates the airlock and steps out.
Verge:
... A whole cluster of systems just for little old me, huh?
Bugaboo:
You heard right.
Verge:
Hard to imagine what I could’ve done to warrant such a high price.
Bugaboo:
We’re not ones to ask questions, Verge. We are to simply apply our skills to the marketplace and reap the benefits... though it does suggest a bit of history between you and our employer.
Verge:
Just a little bit of history, yes.
Another alert goes off in the cockpit.
Verge:
Everything okay up there?
Bugaboo:
We appear to have another disconnect.
Bugaboo presses the comms button.
Bugaboo:
Battlepope, we have yet another disconnect, what’s our situation out there?... Battlepope?... Aw hell...
Bugaboo exits the cockpit and fastens a helmet.
Verge:
Maybe he got lost.
Bugaboo:
While I’m out there, try and keep in mind that, as your pilot, our fates are intertwined.
Verge:
Sure. I’ll just wait here, then.
Bugaboo activates the airlock. Inside the airlock we hear a struggle, an alarm, and then silence. The door to the airlock slides open, and frank walks in.
Verge:
Uh... hi, Frank.
Frank:
Hi.
Verge:
... What’s... Frank did you just ride this spaceship into orbit?
Frank:
... That appears to be what I’ve done, yes.
Verge:
... Okay.
Frank:
... So, this is space.
Verge:
Yeah, how do you like it?
Frank:
It’s very cold.
Verge:
Especially on the outside.
Frank:
Yeah.
Verge:
... I have so many questions.
Frank:
Yeah, me too, look, Trinkett told me where the ship was, it was firing up, I jumped on. I wasn’t really thinking about it.
Verge:
Most people think very hard about something like that.
Frank:
Yeah, I imagine they’re a bit worried down on the ground.
Verge:
Frank, you do realize that what you just did was impossible, right?
Frank:
Hey, that’s what they said to the Wright brothers.
Verge:
Who are the Wright brothers?
Frank:
Never mind. How to I get you out of those restraints?
Verge:
Oh, I’m already out of them.
Frank:
What?
Verge:
Yeah, I’m a bit hard to contain.
Frank:
Well then why are you... Oh.... I see... You had a little plan didn’t you?
Verge:
I was going to pump them for information, then take over the ship.
Frank:
So the impressive feat of me surviving the void of space was completely pointless.
Verge:
Not completely, look at the majestic view.
Frank:
I hate majestic views.
Verge:
It is one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me.
Frank:
I imagine the bar is quite low on that.
Verge:
So low.
Frank:
Please tell me you know how to fly this thing.
Verge:
I can... You are going to have to go back outside and plug in whatever you unplugged out there.
Frank:
Shit... Okay, here I go.
Verge:
I’ll make some cocoa!
Frank:
Fuck you.
The airlock activates as we move back to hood’s pocket. The entire town is quiet as Verge and frank walk into the town square.
Frank:
Why does it take so much longer to get back than it took to get into space?
Verge:
I had to take a longer route so that we weren’t tracked.
Frank:
Fine... Okay look, I just had to do a reverse-Doctor Strangelove into space to keep you from being abducted by psychotic space twins. This is what? Day five? Are we going to be able to make it through this?
Verge:
Frank, look. Remember I told you about my home planet? The one that’s a black hole now?
Frank:
Yeah.
Verge:
When that happened, it completely screwed this part of Andromeda. It’s very hard to get in or out of the Iron Quadrant now and it’s made life very hard for a lot of people. In an environment like that, the same thing happened that always happens: it gets taken over by some very bad people. It’s total chaos in this part of the galaxy, and the people who run it like it that way. There’s a pirate named Låfftrax. They’re incredibly powerful, they run nearly all of the crime across three galaxies. The one place they can’t seem to control? Right here. The Iron Quadrant. How we stay safe, tucked in here on this mountain? I have no idea. We need a plan, but I have no idea what that plan is.
Frank:
...
Verge:
... What?
Frank:
Where is everyone?
Verge:
... Hm.
The door to The SHeep’s eye bursts open and doug comes running out.
Flat Doug:
Frank!
Frank:
Doug, where is everybody... Doug, why are you wearing a headset?
Flat Doug:
So I can communicate better. Hi Verge.
Verge:
Hi.
Flat Doug:
Here’s Eldin.
Eldin:
Welcome back, there’s been some developments.
Frank:
What kind of developments?
Eldin:
The very special kind.
Flat Doug:
Trinkett says there’s a vehicle on it’s way up the mountain. There’s a few people in it.
Frank:
Shit.
Flat Doug:
So, you were gone and we needed to make some very quick decisions, so we had to make a plan.
Eldin:
Yes they did. Plans were made.
Verge:
What was the plan?
Flat Doug:
... Well.
Eldin:
Edgy Steve had a plan, Frank.
Frank:
What?
Eldin:
You heard me.
Flat Doug:
I know it sounds crazy but the more we talked about it, the more... well, nobody else had a plan.
Frank:
That’s not a good enough reason, Doug.
Flat Doug:
That’s what I said at first but, in the end, we opted for any plan at all over none.
Frank:
Hard disagree.
Flat Doug:
Too late for that now, Frank, the wheels are in motion!
Frank:
Doug. What is Steve’s plan?
Flat Doug:
So-
Eldin:
Verge, I’m sorry you won’t be able to witness the glory but you’d better make yourself scarce before this vehicle arrives.
Flat Doug:
Yes. Oh! But if you could please leave Eldin with us? We’re going to need all the help we can get.
Verge:
Shit. Well, Frank, good luck with whatever this is! Tell Deidre I’ll be back at her place.
Frank:
Doug.
A huge hovering vehicle approaches.
Flat Doug:
(Into headset.) Okay, everyone get into position. Here we go.
The vehicle opens and SNorts, Geegaa, and cyborg Jimmy all get out.
Geegaa:
Whoa.
Snorts:
Do you see? You called me a liar.
Cyborg Jimmy:
I can’t believe it.
Snorts:
There is a whole town full of them. Who knows how long they have been hiding here!
Geegaa:
This is so weird. How can this whole place have been hidden here.
Cyborg Jimmy:
It doesn’t make any sense.
Music starts to play and steve emerges from the sheep’s eye in full carnival barker mode.
Edgy Steve:
Well hey there, folks! It’s a sight to behold isn’t it? Street signs, shops, bars, even the trees look like they came from Earth don’t they?
Geegaa:
I didn’t even notice the trees.
Edgy Steve:
You know what? Getting out of the Iron Quadrant is almost impossible these days, isn’t it? No opportunities to get out and see all the wonders of the Triad. And we think that’s just a crime.
Cyborg Jimmy:
Who is this guy?
Edgy Steve:
Wouldn’t it be nice to get away? Just a for a few hours? Go somewhere where there’s no technology, no rat race. And most importantly... no Ted Empire, am I right?
Geegaa:
That does sound kind of nice.
Edgy Steve:
Wouldn’t it be nice to go to the land of your dreams? A place that you only see on Earth Portal, a place that looks like where your dreams come from. Welcome, my friends... to Earthland.
Snorts:
Earthland?
Flat Doug:
Cue the townspeople.
The people of Hood’s pocket come out of the doors of the shops and begin to mill about.
Cyborg Jimmy:
Where did all these people come from?
Edgy Steve:
Here at Earthland, all of our employees wear next-generation Earthsuits so that all of us look exactly like the Earthlings you see on TV. I’m wearing one too, go ahead and give me a poke.
Geegaa:
(Poking him.) Wow, he feels so real!
Edgy Steve:
And that’s not all! Stroll down the street to Peppercorn’s Shop and Go and shop at an authentic Earth convenience store.
Cyborg Jimmy:
Do they have Bugles?
Edgy Steve:
A man after my own heart--you bet your sweet bippy they’ve got Bugles. And when you’re done there, take a load off over at the Sheep’s Eye Roadhouse where Deidre’s got all the authentic Earth spirits you could ever want.
Deidre:
Come on by, I’ll be waiting for ya’!
Edgy Steve:
Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, duck inside the New Age emporium and meet... The Earthwitch!
Flat Doug:
Cue Trinkett.
Trinkett throws open the door to her shop and speaks in a fake Balkan accent.
Trinkett:
Greetings! I am zee Earthvitch. Come inside and I shall tell you your destiny!
Geegaa:
That is so fucking cool.
Edgy Steve:
And you can walk up to anyone in Earthland and they’ll have a truly authentic Earth story to tell you.
Flat Doug:
Cue Celeste, stand by June.
Edgy Steve:
Hey look there, it’s Sergeant Celeste. Hey there, Sarge!
Celeste:
Uh, yes. Yes, hello there. I hope you’re enjoying your time here at... Earthland. Myself and my men are here to make sure that everyone has a safe and happy time. Don’t make me throw you in our secret prison!
Edgy Steve:
Sir, yes, Sir! And look, here’s townsperson June!
June:
Hey! I know these guys!
Snorts:
This is the one who stole from me!
June:
Jesus, Shorts, would you lighten up please?
Geegaa:
Yeah, Snorts, seriously.
Cyborg Jimmy:
We were all there, Snorts.
Edgy Steve:
Hey June, who’s that you’ve got with you?
June:
Well this happens to be the mayor, Steve.
Sparker barks.
Geegaa:
Dogs are mayors on Earth?
June:
That’s right. Little know fact. Hey, come on by the Sheep’s eye and I’ll tell you about the time I almost met Leonardo DiCaprio.
Geegaa:
The guy from Growing Pains?
June:
Sure.
Edgy Steve:
And if you’d like to leave town, the adventure doesn’t stop here! We’ve got an entire forest full of Earth flora and fauna ready for you to observe.
Frank:
Doug, is there going to be a musical number?
Flat Doug:
Oooh, we didn’t have enough time, but I’m writing that down as a possible-
Frank:
Don’t write that down.
Edgy Steve:
And hey! If there’s too much you want to try here at Earthland, maybe think about staying the night? Head on over to the Horizon and stay in an authentic Earth Motel. Frank will be waiting there to give you the keys to comfort. Isn’t that right, Frank?
Frank:
... Uh-huh.
Edgy Steve:
From the bars to the shops to the natural wonders, we’ve got everything you need here at Earthland. The only question is, what to do first?
Geegaa:
... I’m going to see the Earthwitch.
Cyborg Jimmy:
I’m getting some Bugles.
They both run off. Snorts remains.
Edgy Steve:
And how about you, sir?
Snorts:
... I would like to have a strawberry margarita.
Edgy Steve:
You got it, my friend. Right this way!
Flat Doug:
Oh my God... that worked? Frank, I think it worked.
Frank:
I fucking quit.
Later that night at deidre’s house. Music is playing in the background as deidre walks in the front door.
Verge:
Hey, honey. How was your day?
Deidre:
... Aliens are crazy.
Verge:
So I hear.
Deidre:
Those three guys, they called all their friends, then their friends called their friends, and before I knew it, the town was packed with them! It’s like Mardis gras!
Verge:
How did you get away?
Deidre:
Steve had to take over.
Verge:
Anybody give you any trouble?
Deidre:
Look, I know you told me that this place is full of dangerous criminals, but they were all like little kids when they walked into town. They fucking love Earth.
Verge:
They do.
Deidre:
It was.... What is this?
Verge:
Oh, I uh... I made dinner.
Deidre:
You made sweet potatoes.
Verge:
I think I did. I don’t know, I don’t really understand vegetables.
Deidre:
You’re kidding me.
Verge:
Did I do it wrong?
Deidre:
... You’re like, one of the most dangerous people in the galaxy or whatever, and you’re just sitting here making me sweet potatoes.
Verge:
Yeah... how far they fall...
Deidre:
... Get your ass in the bedroom.
Verge:
But I made dinner.
Deidre:
I don’t care, get in there.
Verge:
Okay, you’re going to follow me into the bedroom, I’m assuming?
Deidre:
Yeah, that’s kind of how it works.
Verge:
Okay.
There is a knock on the door.
Verge:
Motherfucker. Hang on.
Verge opens the door.
Verge:
Frank.
Frank:
Hey. Hey Deidre.
Deidre:
Hey Frank.
Verge:
What’s up?
Frank:
Sorry to interrupt... sweet potatoes.
Verge:
That’s not what you were interrupting, Frank. What’s up?
Frank:
Uh... Looks like another friend of yours has shown up.
Verge:
Fuck. Who is it?
Frank:
Would you happen to know a guy named Leif?
Verge:
... What?
The end.
No next episode