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Midnight Burger
Chapter 45: The Builder
In the silence we hear libuza again.
Libuza:
Once upon a time, there was a builder.
We hear the howling winds of an icy planet and footsteps slowly approaching.
Libuza:
The Builder had lost his workshop, lost his tools, lost his way. He wandered on icy plains on a distant planet.
Leif:
Had to be a fucking ice giant, huh?
Libuza:
There is death by fire and death by ice. Both are merciless, but at least fire is quick. Ice takes its time. Ice slowly creeps in. Ice gives you time. Time to regret, time to fear, and the worst of it: time to hope. The builder had no choice but to hope.
Leif:
Okay Leif. At least get out of the wind.
Leif keeps walking.
Libuza:
It was a strange magic that brought him to this frozen land. He had been banished but his banishment could only occur in a place he had touched in the past. For all of us, how many places could that be? So few of us move from place to place all our lives. But for the builder, there were few stars in the sky he hadn’t touched at least once. As far as he knew, he could be anywhere.
We hear the shores of an icy ocean.
Libuza:
The Builder took shelter in the shadow of a cliff by an icy sea. Shelter from the wind would postpone his death but extend his misery.
Leif:
Really regretting my decision to have visited so many shitty planets over the course of my life... Caspar probably landed in Bakersfield... I’d give my right lung to be in fucking Bakersfield right now... okay... okay, where are we, Leif? Let’s think back... Ice giants I have known... Castriff... Celestiani...
Libuza:
You’re only as lost as your mind allows you. The Builder had spent a life among the stars and knew clusters of dust like one would a curve in an ancient road. He searched the night sky to see what it could tell him.
Leif:
... Quilandis... Of course it’s Quilandis, it wouldn’t be poetic if it wasn’t Quilandis... I hate poetry...
Libuza:
The Builder realized he had once made his home here. A long time ago, when all hope was lost, he crawled into a hole between two mountains and waited for the end to come. When he finally left, he hoped he’d never see it again.
Leif:
Alright... there’s only one ocean on Quilandis... I lived about thirty kilometers away from it...
Leif walks around to get a better sense of the landscape.
Leif:
... There... if my hideout’s here it’ll be between those two mountains... thirty kilometers... if I try to walk thirty kilometers... I’ll die... if I stay here I’ll die... Fuck.
Libuza:
What is a Knight without his sword? What is a farmer without his field? What is a builder without his tools? The builder tried to remind himself of the first rule he ever learned...
Leif:
... There is only one tool... inventory... H20. Matter state: solid... H2O mixed with NaCl. Matter state: liquid... Water and saltwater, that’s all I’ve got to work with... that is not going to do it... I’m fucked... maybe I try and huff it... I did 35 seconds in the void of space one time, I could do thirty kilometers in, I’m guessing, negative 10 Celsius without any protective clothing.... sure... sure I could... No, I can’t. Fuck!
Libuza:
Tools are irrelevant without materials. The builder had taken stock of his materials and as far as his eyes could see he only saw ice, water, and salt. It wasn’t enough.
Leif turns on his pager.
Leif:
What can I do with you?... Nothing... You saved my life and you’re totally useless right now... I hope it’s going better for you guys out there... Where’d you wind up, Gloria? Back at Jack in the Box? Ava, you probably landed in some high-armed leather chair surrounded by dudes with elbow pads... not me... no, I get the fucking ice planet.
A massive seal-like creature explodes up out of the water.
Leif:
Oh shit!
The massive creature pulls itself up onto the icy beach, belching and roaring.
Leif:
Jesus... Well... hello there... Nice to have some company... what’s your name?... I’m Leif... I’m going to be dead soon... of course I could try and kill you and live inside your body Han Solo-style... But you are twelve feet of blubber and I just have a space pager... wait...
Leif rifles through his pockets and finds the secret handshake.
Leif:
Secret handshake... fifty thousand volts is just going to make you mad, isn’t it?... Fuck... well, nice to meet you anyway.
The creature roars and takes a gigantic shit on the beach.
Leif:
Oh my GOD! ... ugh... Seriously?
The creature turns and crawls its way back into the water.
Leif:
Come on, man... Oh my God, the smell... So excited that this will be the last thing I ever smell...
Libuza:
It’s odd, The Builder thought, how anything can be a gift if it’s given at the right time...
Leif:
... Hang on... H2O, NaCl, and now... CH4... iron, copper, depending on what you ate today... Methane gas could ignite... it’ll ignite sure but that’s one big flash... high moisture content of the fuel source makes a continuous burn pretty tricky...
Leif starts laughing.
Leif:
You’re really missing out guys. I’m trying to save my life by lighting a gigantic pile of shit on fire... there’s a metaphor in there somewhere... Okay, humungous shit pile, how do I light you on fire?... In one hand I have a space pager... looks like Paradise Leif made this thing pretty efficient so I won’t get much juice out of it. In the other hand I have the Secret Handshake. Can deliver a quick burst of fifty thousand volts BUT... low wattage... I’m going to need sustained heat... Environmental concerns: fuel source, AKA shit pile is steaming right now but I imagine will be frozen within an hour. Whatever I do I’ll need to be ready to do it by the time the next guy wants to take a dump on the beach... Sustained heat... sustained heat...
Libuza:
When the solution finally came to him, it didn’t arrive as good tidings. Like any escape from certain death, this solution would require a sacrifice.
Leif:
Sunrise in about four hours... let’s get to work...
We hear the sound of leif kicking at the solid ice of the cliff wall. Bits and pieces of ice chip off and land on the ground. In bigger and bigger pieces.
Libuza:
The Builder needed one tool to live, but that tool was buried in the wall of ice before him. He kicked and kicked at the wall as the shards of ice fell around him. He was finally surround by fragments of ice, large and small.
Leif:
(Out of breath.) Okay... several hunks of ice... Which one of you is the lucky winner?... I need you to be the size of a dinner plate... any takers?... You there... you look like you’re up for the job.
Leif picks up a large piece of ice.
Leif:
Okay, big piece of ice, I’m about to turn you into something beautiful... it’s going to cost me, but all beauty comes at a price, am I right?
Libuza:
All beauty comes at a price. The sculptor blinded by marble dust, the painter driven mad by the poison in their paint, and now The Builder. Using the warmth of his hand he would slowly melt and shape the fragment of ice. He was careful to only use his left hand, then after his hand was too cold, his left arm, then back again to his hand. Over and over again, smoothing the edges, slowly shaping it into the only tool that could save him.
Leif:
Mr. Thorvladson, I’ve dealt with prodigies before, and I will say to you what I’ve said to all of them... No amount of intelligence will make up for flawed optics... clean your optics every morning, Mr. Thorvaldson. FUCK, that’s cold... Goddamn it... keep going, Leif.
Libuza:
Into the morning he shaped the ice to his will. As the sun rose it offered little comfort, the star was distant and cold, but he did not need the sun for its warmth.
Leif:
(Out of breath.) Okay... ideal angle is 17 degrees above the horizon... Leif... you’re going to need both of your arms for this part... You can’t feel one of your arms right now but it’ll still respond... I think two minutes will do the trick. Two minutes is all we need okay... Just waiting for the guest of honor now.
Libuza:
He waited in the frigid morning for the last phase of his plan. One arm numb, the rest of him not far off. The only thing left was a little bit of luck.
Another massive seal explodes up out of the water and pulls itself up onto the shore.
Leif:
Hello, gorgeous... come on... come on you know that’s why you came here...
The seal takes an enormous crap on the beach.
Leif:
Great work, pal.
The seal pulls itself back into the water.
Leif:
Two minutes, Leif!
Leif Yells in pain as he lifts something above his head.
Libuza:
The Builder raised his new creation above his head. It was a massive lens. All night long he had used his own hands to make a lens made entirely of the ice that was trying to kill him. The lens would gather the rays of the sun into a beam. And with enough time... The Builder would make fire from ice.
Leif:
Come on... come on... hold it steady...
The enormous pile of shit on the beach suddenly bursts into flames and continues to burn.
Leif:
Ah!! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Hahahahahahahaha! Fucking fire, baby!
Leif gets close to the fire.
Leif:
Oh my god that smells like a chemical plant but the heat is glorious... FUCK YOU I MADE FIRE!... You’re still sucking in air, Leif... somehow...
Libuza:
The Builder fell into a deep sleep next to his fire made from ice. His dreams were strange dreams of warmth... an endless celebration by a crystalline ocean, an argument with a friend on a train. A warm body in a warm bed. Bright, white, sharp teeth in the darkness whispering “I love you”.
Leif wakes up with a start. the huge seal creature is laying around the fire with him.
Leif:
... Oh... Hey there.
The seal grunts at him.
Leif:
Pretty great right? It’s fire. It’s one of the things that separates me from you... One of the many things... I uh... I have no idea what your kind is called so I’m just going to call you J Shmoe, okay?... Ow! Fuck... Mr. Shmoe if you could remind me not to touch my left arm, I’d really appreciate it... Jesus Christ I can’t believe I lived... Barely... Sadly this isn’t going to do it, J... this is a temporary situation... Thirty kilometers... thirty kilometers inland, that’s the next step... How am I going to pull that off?... Sun’s going down... if I don’t have a plan by tomorrow I’m dead... know any campfire songs?...
Libuza:
All through the night The Builder tried to convince himself that he didn’t already know the plan. The plan came to him almost instantly as soon as he awoke. All through the night he tried to think of any other plan. Anything that could keep him from doing what he would have to do next... nothing came.
The next morning we hear leif walking around the campsite. The seal barks at him.
Leif:
What? Oh, all this? Well, believe it or not my blubbery friend, this is the plan. I have here in my arms, several pieces of your frozen shit. I will now sit down by the fire and take my boots off.
The seal barks at him again.
Leif:
You’re right, it does sound crazy. But I’m afraid that’s all we’re left with.
Leif takes his boots off.
Leif:
I take a moment and warm my feet by the fire and then... I take my right boot and fill it with frozen pieces of your incredibly stinktastic shit, Mr. J. Shmoe... I fill it all the way to the top of my boot. I now have one boot full of shit, one empty boot and two socks... I take two socks and put them... on my right foot, and then I take the empty boot and put it on my left foot. I lean the shit boot up against the fire and I wait for it to thaw enough that it catches on fire... I knew this guy back home... Lenny. Lenny Harris... Cool guy... I was packing up my stuff, heading off to Berkley. I told him I would fix his bike for him so of course I added a motor to it because I can’t fucking help myself... “I’m finally going to get out of here,” he said... “Oh yeah? Where you going, Lenny?”... He said “Micronesia.” “Micronesia? What the hell for?”... “They’ll never find me there,” he said. This was a seventeen year old kid talking like he was on the run from the feds... “You know, Lenny, the problem with nobody being able to find you is that nobody’s able to find you.”... Should’ve taken my own advice.
The top of leif’s boot catches fire.
Leif:
Here we go... I have turned my boot into a torch. The fire will burn at the top and slowly thaw the fuel underneath and then use that to keep burning. That should be enough heat to keep me from dying at least.
Leif gets to his feet.
Leif:
Time’s a wasting... J Shmoe, my friend, enjoy the fire. Theoretically if you keep coming ashore and shitting on it, you can always have a fire up here. An eternal flame... a memorial... thirty kilometers... piece of cake.
Libuza:
With a torch and only one boot on, The Builder made his way across the land of ice. The wind was constant and relentless, even when the sun was at it’s highest, it was as though it burned cold. It wasn’t long into the journey that time became irrelevant. He could’ve been walking for minutes, he could’ve been walking for years. There was only one way he found to motivate himself. He thought of his death. If he were to die here, his body would never decompose and become part of the Earth. He would be frozen. Trapped forever. Wide, dead eyes gazing at the sunrise for eons until even the sun burned out. If he died he would never be free.
Inside leif’s old hideout. we can hear the wind howling outside. After a moment the door bursts open and Leif stumbles in, he is breathing heavily and knocking things over as he crosses the room. When he reaches the far wall he presses buttons on it and an emergency bed deploys.
Med-Bed:
Emergency medical bed deployed.
Leif lays down on the medical bed. It’s very painful.
Leif:
Fuck!
Med-Bed:
Diagnosis request?
Leif:
Full body scan.
Med-Bed:
Conducting full scan. Please remain still.
The med-bed starts to scan him.
Med-Bed:
Dehydration Level 4. Please remain still for electrolyte injection.
The med-bed injects Leif with electrolytes and continues its scan.
Med-Bed:
Triage report available.
Leif:
Go.
Med-Bed:
Upper left appendage and lower right extremity experiencing level 7 necrosis.
Leif:
Treatment recommendation?
Libuza:
He was careful to only use his left hand.
Med-Bed:
Field amputation. Removal of upper left appendage and lower right extremity.
Leif:
... Do it.
Med-Bed:
Administering anesthesia. Procedure will commence in two minutes.
Libuza:
As he waited there for the machine to change his body forever. He heard an old, familiar voice...
Even Older Leif:
So... Losing your arm in the Justine Burbank system, huh? Sounds a little familiar to me.
Leif:
I’m aware.
Even Older Leif:
I’d watch yourself, Buster. Everybody loves the freewheeling old man... but all I was ever meant to be was a cautionary tale.
Leif:
... I’m aware.
Libuza:
With certain death narrowly avoided, The Builder changed his focus as the chemicals seeped into his body. He thought of those that sent him here. His enemies. The ones that took his friends from him, the ones that condemned him to an icy death. As he thought of them he issued a promise the empty air...
Leif:
... I’m going to kill every single fucking one of you.
Libuza:
The Builder had become The Destroyer. As every builder does from time to time. The key is knowing when the destruction must stop. Sometimes it never feels like enough.
We hear another storm howling outside Leif’s hideout. We hear the med-bed beeping.
Med-Bed:
Reviving patient in five, four, three, two...
Leif inhales deeply.
Leif:
Report.
Med-Bed:
All procedures successful. Recommend replacement of removed appendages with cybernetics or live-grafts. Would you like me to connect you with local vendors?
Leif:
No.
Med-Bed:
Would you like a debrief regarding psychological trauma or PLP?
Leif:
No.
Med-Bed:
Remember, nearly all patients who have an amputation performed have some form of phantom pain or discomfort-
Leif:
Would you shut up please?
Med-Bed:
Deploying assistive device.
Leif DETACHES a crutch from the wall and awkwardly rises from the bed.
Even Older Leif:
Home sweet home.
Leif:
Yeah.
Leif makes his way over to the wall. A door slides away and we hear the bridge of the nancy sinatra begin to power up.
Leif:
Hello, Nancy.
Even Older Leif:
At least you won’t have to walk out of here.
Leif presses a few buttons on the control panel.
Leif:
Looks like she’s in pretty good shape...
Even Older Leif:
... One problem though...
Leif:
... If my ship’s here... where am I?
We move to outside the hideout. Leif hobbles across the ice and comes to a stop.
Libuza:
The Builder stood over his own slain body. An echo of himself, gunned down and left for dead, a sheen of ice covering his skin. So may of us are plagued by the road not taken. Few of us come face to face with it.
Leif:
... Who do you think got him?
Even Older Leif:
The Teds would’ve captured you. A few different plasma burns on the rocks. Looks like some Rim Runners that just got lucky, caught you unawares. So... effective reminder that it could be worse.
Leif:
... Yeah... Sorry, Leif... Let’s get the fuck out of here.
We hear music and a crowd of rowdy aliens. After a bit the door swings open and leif walks in, walking on a crutch. He sit at the bar and is approached by the bartender.
Brielzebub:
Welcome to the Unselling Wizard. What can I get you?... Leif?
Leif:
Brielzebub.
Brielzebub:
... I thought... you’re supposed to be dead.
Leif:
Surprise.
Brielzebub:
... You can’t be here right now.
Leif:
I’m exactly where I want to be.
Leif is approached by two thugs, Battlepope and Bugaboo.
Battlepope:
Well, what do we have here, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
Do my eyes deceive me, Battlepope.
Battlepope:
We’re looking at a dead man, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
Or at least he looks like one, Battlepope.
Leif:
Battlepope and Bugaboo. Is there a shitty criminals conference in town or something?
Battlepope:
What was I saying just the other day, Bugaboo?
Bugaboo:
I believe you were saying you wish we had killed him, Battlepope.
Battlepope:
And now here we are, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
You know, they swore to us up and down, Battlepope.
Battlepope:
Never trust the word of a Rim Runner, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
So what’s worse, Leif? Being dead or knowing you’re about to be killed?
Leif:
Talking to you two is worse than both.
Battlepope:
What kind of idiot escapes getting deleted and then walks into The Unselling Wizard like it’s nothing, Bugaboo?
Bugaboo:
This kind of idiot, Battlepope.
Battlepope:
Well, if you want something done right, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo draws his gun.
Leif:
Guys guys guys, listen. I realize there a bit of bad blood between the three of us, but trust me, I’m here to make amends.
Battlepope:
Is that right?
Leif:
Of course! Here...
Leif reaches into his bag.
Leif:
Take these. This is my way of saying I’m sorry.
Bugaboo:
What the hell are these, Battlepope?
We suddenly hear electricity shoot through the bodies of battlepope and bugaboo. After a few seconds of them being shocked, they fall to the ground.
Brielzebub:
Oh, fuck.
Leif:
It’s crazy, right? I hand them to people and they just take them. So trusting.
The music has stopped and everyone in the bar is looking at Leif.
Leif:
Hey guys... long time no see. Let me guess, you thought I was dead? Right? Honestly, me too so don’t feel bad.
Everyone in the bar draws a gun on Leif.
Leif:
Uh oh. You know I thought a couple of secret handshakes might not be enough for a situation like this. So of course I made more.
Leif dumps out his bag and twenty secret handshakes roll across the floor. Nobody moves.
Leif:
I’d like some credit for developing non-lethal technology in a hostile marketplace.
Electricity courses through the entire bar crowd. They all yell in pain and falls to the ground.
Brielzebub:
... Oh shit.
Leif:
Hey, Brielzebub, what’s that drink you make that I like so much?
Brielzebub:
... A Barbarian Bloodbath?
Leif:
That’s the one, I’ll have one of those.
Brielzebub slowly starts making a cocktail.
Leif:
You know... once upon a time I wanted to be that guy who walks into a bar and everybody notices. But now that that’s happened, I don’t know... not all it’s cracked up to be.
Brielzebub:
W-what happened to the arm?
Leif:
Slipped on a banana peel.
Brielzebub:
... Leif, I’m just a bartender, okay?
Leif:
Nobody’s ever one thing, Brielzebub.
Brielzebub:
Leif, I swear I just-
Leif:
Stop talking, Brielzebub.
Leif take a drink of his cocktail.
Leif:
Now, you’re going to walk me into the back and you’re going to get me in to see the Potion Maestro. If you don’t, I’ll show you what else I have in this bag of mine.
We move to the lab of the potion maestro. Several devices hum and whurr, as he uses a micro-welder on a small device. An Electronic bell rings.
Potion Maestro:
Who is it?
Brielzebub:
(In intercom.) You have a new patient.
Potion Maestro:
I don’t have a patient on my schedule.
Brielzebub:
It’s uh... it’s urgent.
Potion Maestro:
Very well.
There is a chime and the door slides open. The potion maestro continues to work.
Potion Maestro:
This had better be an emergency.
Leif:
It is for me but, y’know, everything’s relative.
Potion Maestro:
... Leif.
Leif:
Yeah, yeah, you thought I was dead. Do me a favor and don’t make any sudden movements, Maestro, I’ve managed to go all day without killing anyone. Respect the streak.
Leif attaches a device to the wall.
Potion Maestro:
I saw your body, the image was locked it couldn’t have been faked.
Leif:
This is a missed opportunity on my part. I could make up a great story about how I avoided death, huge myth-making opportunity... How about this?... There’s infinite Leifs out there. You can kill one of us, but another one’s just going to show up to take his place, we’re like fucking herpes... pretty good right? People love a good story. Like the story you told me one time, about how 60% of your body is metallic.
Potion Maestro:
What did you just put on my wall?
Leif:
Don’t worry, it’s not a bomb.
Leif activates the device on the wall and we hear warping metal. The potion maestro yells as he is flung across the room and magnetized to the wall.
Potion Maestro:
What... are you... doing?
Leif:
I’ve just magnetized you to the wall. Convincing metal to act like a magnet is much easier than you would think.
Potion Maestro:
What do you... want?
Leif:
Do I have your undivided attention, Maestro?
Potion Maestro:
... yes.
Leif:
Great. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’m missing one arm and one foot. I’m going to need you to look through your godforsaken inventory and find me a replacement.
Potion Maestro:
Of course... Of course, no problem. I just got a shipment of Sherbear17890’s.
Leif:
You and I both know Sherbears can be tracked.
Potion Maestro:
Okay okay, no problem... uh...
Leif:
Maestro this magnet’s about to crush your pseudoskeleton, I’d think a little quicker if I were you.
Potion Maestro:
Daveyboys! I’ve got Daveyboy711s in the back.
Leif:
Fantastic.
Potion Maestro:
Can you turn off the magnet now, please?
Leif:
One more second.
Leif attaches something to the potion maestro’s arm.
Leif:
I’m attaching a bomb to your arm. Your real arm, not the one you can remove. I’m going to set the timer for two hours. So, if I’m not awake with my new arm in two hours then Bippity Boppity Boom, they’re going to be cleaning your guts and parts off of this room for weeks. Not that you do a lot of cleaning around here. Are we clear?
Potion Maestro:
Yes.
Leif:
Okay.
Leif turns off the magnet and the potion maestro falls to the ground.
Leif:
I look forward to working with you.
We hear the hum of the Nancy Sinatra and Leif working on the navigation console.
Libuza:
We’re never truly done with the darkness in us. You can come to terms with it, hide it away, even send it into a life-long slumber. But it’s never eliminated. The darkness never leaves you. And at times when you’re backed against a wall by your circumstances, you can reach deep down into yourself and rouse it back to life. You can use the darkness within you to survive. But there’s a trick to it. If you use the darkness, the darkness may use you. You may never get control again if you let it out.
Even Older Leif:
Seems like changes to the laser torch isn’t a priority right now.
Leif:
I don’t know what universe I’m in. I need to do a CMB scan and I don’t want to spend time making another interferometer so... We are parked on the outskirts of The Harbinger Pulsar where there are a group of decommissioned mirror satellites. I use the laser on the mirrors and bounce the signal back to me. I use the interference to make the CMB map.
Even Older Leif:
Nice. Doing it in space cuts out the atmospheric interference. So... you figure out where you are in the multiverse and then what?
Leif:
I don’t know. I figured getting my bearings was the next step after getting all my appendages back.
Even Older Leif:
How’s the new arm?
Leif:
It’s a piece of shit but It’ll do... What was yours again?
Even Older Leif:
A Noble Barrel but I made some changes to it.
Leif:
Okay, were good.
We hear the laser begin to fire up outside the Nancy Sinatra.
Leif:
We’ll give that a few minutes. In the meantime, let’s see what Dead Leif has left us with.
Leif slides open a few doors on storage compartments.
Leif:
A pack of Scrizzles... Leopard Donuts, Jesus, I was not taking care of myself... An Errant Popsicle Stick, thanks Dead Lief.
He opens one last compartment.
Leif:
Hey... now we’re talking... bladeless drones. Silent but deadly, these’ll come in handy, let’s get these charged up.
Leif begins to charge up the drones. After a moment the navigation console beeps.
Leif:
Here we go.
Leif checks the monitor.
Leif:
... Holy shit... I’m still in the same universe... I didn’t change universes I’m still where I was when I shot myself. I’m in Krok’s universe.
Even Older Leif:
Still where you were?
Leif:
Yeah.
Even Older Leif:
Only several years in the past and 2.5 Million light years away.
Leif:
Hey, it could be farther.
Even Older Leif:
A distance like that you might as well be nine universe to the left.
Leif:
Maybe...
Even Older Leif:
... I know you hate this, kid.
Leif:
... What are you talking about?
Even Older Leif:
That mind of ours... how it acts in times like this.
Leif:
...
Even Older Leif:
Most people, when they hit the skids, they’ve got to practice a healthy dose of acceptance. There’s only so much they can do about the situation that they’re in... Your mind, on the other hand. It gives you a few more options than the average bear.
Leif:
What’s wrong with that?
Even Older Leif:
The options that your brain gives you in times like these are pretty fucking dark, Buster.
Leif:
...
Even Older Leif:
You’re thinking about building it again.
Leif:
...
Even Older Leif:
You promised you wouldn’t.
Leif:
What do you want me to do, wave a white flag?
Even Older Leif:
You’ve got more options than waving a white flag.
Leif:
This isn’t Clementine. This isn’t going to be solved with a heartfelt talking to.
Even Older Leif:
Don’t do it, Leif.
Leif:
I’m several years and several million lightyears away. Can you think of another option?
Even Older Leif:
You can think of another option.
Leif:
Yeah, well, I just lost an arm, a foot, and my friends. I’m exploring any option I can right now.
Even Older Leif:
This wasn’t Gloria’s plan.
Leif:
It wasn’t a plan it was a panic button. Building a weapon and using it against the bad guys? That’s a plan.
Even Older Leif:
Kid. You promised you’d never make it.
Leif:
... What if we can’t stop him? What if we can’t stop him because nobody’s willing to make a tough call?
Even Older Leif:
I’m not here to be the Einstein to your Oppenheimer, Buster.
Leif:
Well why the hell are you here?
Even Older Leif:
... I’m not, Leif... It’s just you...
We move to a grove of trees on a distant planet. We can hear the sound of a small droid laying on it’s side, trying over and over again to right itself but it’s stuck. Someone comes walking through the trees.
Hannes:
(Talking into a communicator.) Hey, Hon?
Katkat:
(In communicator.) Yeah?
Hannes:
I found that missing harvest droid.
Katkat:
Uh oh. How’s it doing?
Hannes:
It’s trying it’s best but it’s best is not enough.
Katkat:
Be sure and give it high marks for effort.
Hannes:
You need to stop treating the droids like they’re our children.
Katkat:
But they’re trying so hard, Honey.
Hannes:
Well, I’m about to take this child of ours into my workshop and take it apart piece by piece, how do you feel about that?
Katkat:
Yeah, the analogy kind of breaks down at that point, doesn’t it?
Hannes:
It does. How are you guys doing up there?
Katkat:
She still hates the new visor.
Hannes:
Does she understand that her only other option is blindness?
Katkat:
She does. That doesn’t keep her from complaining about it.
Hannes:
Has she tried to make you a deal yet?
Katkat:
Of course she has, she says she’ll double her chores if she can wear her old visor.
Hannes:
Her old visor doesn’t even fit her.
Katkat:
She doesn’t seem to care.
Hannes:
Suddenly repairing this droid all afternoon doesn’t sound so bad.
Katkat:
She’s a menace, this daughter of yours.
Hannes:
Why is she called “my daughter” when she’s being a menace?
Katkat:
You’re the scientist, do the math.
Hannes:
We’re both scientists.
Katkat:
Doesn’t feel like it right now.
Hannes:
I promise tomorrow I’ll let you do robot repair all day long while I negotiate with the menace.
Katkat:
Thank you.
A small drone hovers past hannes.
Hannes:
... Hon?
Katkat:
Yeah?
Hannes:
Have you seen any weird drones lately?
Katkat:
Weird how?
Hannes:
Wierd like you’ve never seen them before.
Katkat:
No. Is our neighbor being weird again?
Hannes:
Maybe. See you in a bit.
Katkat:
Okay.
Another drone buzzes past hannes, then another. Then all three of them over over his head for a moment and then zip away.
Hannes:
What the hell?
Leif:
(From the other side of the fence.) Hello?
Hannes:
Hello?
Leif:
Sorry about the drones. It’s my first time on this planet, I don’t know where I’m going.
Hannes:
No problem. Can I point you in the right direction?
Leif:
Um... town?
Hannes:
Town? You’re on a colony candidate right now you’re not going to find a lot of towns.
Leif:
Oh yeah?
Hannes:
If you’re looking for a town you may want to wait a generation or two.
Leif:
Okay. Sorry to trouble you.
Hannes:
Excuse me? Are you an Earthling?
Leif:
Oh. Yeah, I am. I know, weird right?
Hannes:
I’ve never met an Earthling before. How did you get all the way out here?
Leif:
Long story. Where am I?
Hannes:
You’re on Dariel(Dah-re-ELLE), it’s a colony candidate in the edge of Triangulum.
Leif:
Okay.
Hannes:
You’re just doing some sightseeing?
Leif:
Uh... I’m actually trying to finish a game of Zomcon.
Hannes:
... Zomcon?
Leif:
Yeah, I started one with a friend a while back and then we lost touch...
Hannes:
...
Leif:
Is that you, SignMyShovel?
Hannes:
... TwoPolarCat?
Leif:
Surprise.
Hannes:
You’re an Earthling?
Leif:
I am.
Hannes:
How the hell did you find me?
Leif:
Chat threads on Tangle games are not nearly as anonymous as you think they are.
Hannes:
... It’s really you.
Leif:
It’s really me.
Hannes:
What happened to you? It’s been ages.
Leif:
I got a little side-tracked. Y’know, life stuff.
Hannes:
And you just decided to show up at my farm all of a sudden?
Leif:
... Are you still working on it?
Hannes:
... I am... you?
Leif:
Yeah. In fact, I think I solved one of our biggest problems. That’s why I’m here in person, actually. Anything from this point on shouldn’t have a text thread attached to it.
Hannes:
Wow. You’re serious?
Leif:
Yeah.
Hannes:
Alright... An Earthling?
Leif:
An Earthling.
Hannes:
Well it’s nice to meet you finally.
Leif:
You too.
Hannes:
You better come inside.
The gate to the farm buzzes and opens as we move to the farmhouse. KATkat is at her wit’s end.
Katkat:
Terrwyn?... Terrwyn, come eat food please.
Terrwyn:
(From her room.) I’m not hungry!
Katkat:
Sure you are.
Terrwyn:
I’m not.
Katkat:
Sweetie, a hunger strike is not going to get me to change my mind about the visor.
Terrwyn:
... I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Katkat:
Okay.
The front door opens.
Hannes:
Hello?
Katkat:
Aren’t you supposed to be fixing a robot?
Hannes:
You’re not going to believe this but, we’ve got company.
Katkat:
Company?
Hannes:
Yes.
Katkat:
You mean I’m going to actually have a conversation with someone who’s not my husband or my daughter?
Hannes:
Can you believe it?
Katkat:
Hello there.
Leif:
Hey.
Hannes:
This is... holy shit I don’t know you’re real name.
Leif:
Right, I don’t know yours either. I’m Jeremy, Jeremy Impson.
Hannes:
I’m Hannes. This is Katkat.
Leif:
Hi.
Katkat:
Wait, what’s going on?
Hannes:
Honey, this is... this is TwoPolarCat.
Katkat:
Holy shit, really?
Hannes:
Yeah.
Katkat:
How the hell did you find us?
Leif:
Uh...
Hannes:
It’s okay, she knows everything.
Leif:
Me and your husband were comparing notes back and forth on the chat thread for a private game of Zomcon.
Katkat:
Right.
Leif:
It’s a cheap and dirty way to have a private conversation through a comms node but it gets to a point when you’ve got to take the next step.
Katkat:
I see. And this is the next step?
Leif:
It is.
Katkat:
... You’re an earthling?
Leif:
I am.
Katkat:
So...
Leif:
I know.
Katkat:
You’re telling me that you and my husband are on the brink of a scientific breakthrough.
Leif:
I think so, yes.
Katkat:
And you’re an Earthling.
Leif:
We’re not known for our scientific breakthroughs.
Katkat:
You’re not.
Leif:
I’m a bit of an outlier.
Katkat:
In several ways.
Leif:
In several ways.
Katkat:
(To Hannes.) ... I told you you could be tracked through those games.
Hannes:
I know you did.
Katkat:
We could’ve had someone much worse than Jeremy showing up at our door.
Hannes:
I know that now.
Terrwyn:
(In her room.) Who’s out there?
Katkat:
Terrwyn we’ve got company, why don’t you come out of your room?
Terrwyn:
Who is it?
Katkat:
I’m not having a conversation through a door.
Terrwyn:
Give me a hint.
Katkat:
That’s our daughter Terrwyn, she’s going to be the president of something one day but right now she’s just a pain in the ass.
Terrwyn opens her door and walks out.
Katkat:
Hello there.
Terrwyn:
Hello, I’m Terrwyn.
Leif:
Hey, I’m Jeremy.
Terrwyn:
It’s nice to meet you, Jeremy. Jeremy don’t you agree that this visor I’m wearing is too big for my face and makes me look ridiculous?
Leif:
I’m sure you’ll grow into it.
Terrwyn:
But Jeremy, don’t you agree that it makes more sense for me to wear my adolescent visor which fits me much better.
Leif:
I think you should probably do whatever your mom says, Terrwyn.
Terrwyn:
I’m going to need a better answer than that, Jeremy.
Leif:
Okay. How about the fact that, you appear to be a Crimson Nyxite, and if you don’t wear that visor you’ll be blind.
Terrwyn:
Granted, but I offer a counterpoint.
Leif:
How old are you?
Terrwyn:
My adolescent visor fits me much better, why should I be forced to wear the visor I don’t like?
Leif:
Because your parents told you to.
Terrwyn:
I see. So we’re to be enemies, you and I?
Leif:
Wow.
Hannes:
Terrwyn, don’t drag Jeremy into your personal crusades, please.
Terrwyn:
I look like I’m wearing a spacecraft on my face, dad.
Hannes:
You don’t look like that at all.
Terrwyn:
Jeremy, you’re an Earthling.
Leif:
Yep.
Terrwyn:
How did you get here?
Leif:
It’s a very long story.
Terrwyn:
Really?
Leif:
Yes.
Terrwyn:
Well, you’re in luck, Jeremy.
Leif:
Why is that?
Terrwyn:
Because when my parents informed me that I was going to have to wear a visor on my face that was roughly the size of a planetoid, they also told me that I was now going to be spoken to like an adult in the house. Mom, can you confirm that, please?
Katkat:
I did say that, yes.
Terrwyn:
Okay then. Let’s hear it, Jeremy.
Katkat:
Actually, Winnie, I think we all want to hear this story. How about we set up the table for all of us and Jeremy can tell us a story?
Terrwyn:
Okay.
Katkat:
Hannes, can you put some music on please?
Hannes:
Sure.
Music plays as we move to later in the afternoon. Leif tells his story.
Leif:
... Anyway, so there we were at the top of the mine with a cadre of Teds waiting for us. They said what we created was too much too soon for the human race and that they would like to make us all a deal.
Hannes:
A deal?
Leif:
Yeah.
Katkat:
In exchange for what?
Leif:
In exchange for pretending like we didn’t discover something.
Katkat:
Get the fuck out of here.
Leif:
No, it’s true.
Hannes:
What did you discover?
Leif:
Dark matter.
Hannes:
Earthlings haven’t discovered dark matter?
Leif:
This Earthling did.
Katkat:
But they wanted you to keep it a secret?
Leif:
They did.
Katkat:
And you just said okay?
Leif:
I mean... it was a long time ago. I was a kid, and suddenly I’m confronted by, not just an alien race but confirmation that there were aliens to begin with.
Hannes:
A discovery like that would’ve transformed your planet.
Leif:
Would it have?
Hannes:
An unlimited energy source for a planet that’s still primarily run by hydrocarbons? Of course it would have.
Leif:
Has it changed anything out here? It’s not like once you leave Earth there’s suddenly no crime or poverty or injustice right? The Teds still exist, there’s still pirates, The Iron Quadrant is still poor, the Original Coalition is still rich... I guess I’ve never seen technology change people. People change or they don’t wether they’re holding a tangle or a club.
Terrwyn:
Can I get a Tangle?
Hannes:
No.
Katkat:
How long have the Teds been doing things like this?
Hannes:
The Teds messing with Earth is one of the worst kept secrets in the Triad.
Leif:
Yeah, I don’t think it would come as a surprise to anyone.
Katkat:
Do they do this with other planets?
Leif:
Just us.
Katkat:
That’s curious.
Leif:
It is a little curious, but, another Earthling I met out here was this Australian guy, Australia’s a part of Earth.
Terrwyn:
Kangaroos.
Leif:
That’s right, that’s where Kangaroos are. He had this theory that’s always stuck in my head. He said that if any group has cultural power, there will be a concerted effort to keep them away from political power. Because a combination of political power and cultural power would be unstoppable... What are we listening to right now?
Katkat:
It’s Mozart.
Leif:
Right. A piece of music written hundreds of years ago on my planet is being played lightyears away. If that’s not cultural dominance I don’t know what is. We’re speaking English right now, from my planet. Because everyone loves our movies and tv and books. If you somehow added technology and some political power to that, the Teds would be cooked... So they try and keep us as dumb as they can... Terrwyn, how am I doing? Do you feel like I’m talking to you like an adult?
Terrwyn:
What happened to your arm?
Katkat:
Winnie.
Leif:
No, it’s fine. I was working in core design for a while. One of the drives became unstable and there was an explosion.
Terrwyn:
Did it hurt?
Leif:
Mercifully, I don’t remember it happening, I just woke up in post op.
Terrwyn:
What does it feel like?
Leif:
It takes some getting used to. It’s better than having no arm but it’s no replacement for the real thing.
Terrwyn:
If I poke you will you feel it?
Leif:
Kind of.
Katkat:
Okay, we’re bombarding Jeremy with questions. Jeremy, it’s your turn.
Leif:
Okay. Well, Hannes you’re from Septsu I’m assuming.
Hannes:
That’s right. Septsu si-hai.
Leif:
KatKat you’re from Sigius obviously. And you, with the brand new visor, you’re a Crimson Nyxite.
Terrwyn:
I am.
Leif:
One family, three races. What’s going on there?
Katkat:
There’s an adoption lottery on my planet for couples who aren’t genetically compatible. That’s how we got Terrwyn.
Terrwyn:
Nobody wants kids from my planet but they adopted me anyway.
Hannes:
Terrwyn, don’t say things like that.
Terrwyn:
It’s true, Jeremy. Nobody wants to deal with a kid who has to wear a red visor everywhere. Frankly I know how they feel right now.
Katkat:
Where do you hear these things?
Terrwyn:
One of my study partners told me.
Hannes:
Well your study partner is an idiot.
Terrwyn:
You can’t say that about other kids, Dad.
Hannes:
Sure I can. Call him right now, I’ll tell him to his face.
Terrwyn:
I can’t call him, I don’t have a tangle.
Leif:
I have a friend from Nyx, she one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.
Terrwyn:
Really?
Leif:
Yes, her name’s Libuza, she’s a Flaxian Nyxite and she’s a frigging genius. You should tell your friend.
A chime goes off in the house.
Katkat:
Uh oh. Lunch break is over. Back to school.
Terrwyn:
You can’t call it school if it’s just my room.
Katkat:
It’s the closest thing we’ve got out here in the Cee-Cees kiddo, get in there.
Terrwyn:
How long are you staying, Jeremy?
Leif:
I’m not sure yet.
Terrwyn:
Well, it would be rude of you to leave without saying goodbye.
Leif:
I’ll be sure and say goodbye then.
Terrwyn:
Thank you. Mom, I’m about to be laughed at by other children because I’m wearing a grain silo on my face, how do you feel about that?
Katkat:
I’d feel worse about it if I didn’t know you were exaggerating for effect.
Terrwyn:
Goodbye.
Katkat:
See you at dinner.
Terrwyn exits to her room.
Leif:
She’s great.
Katkat:
I feel like Hannes and I are doing a great job, but she has the distinct ability to make it feel like we’re constantly failing her.
Leif:
Take it from me, you guys are doing great. I wanted to leave home so bad I left the planet and the galaxy.
Katkat:
Yeah, how does that work, exactly? You can’t really tell mom and dad you’ve gone to space, right?
Leif:
For me it wasn’t such an issue. Some people on Earth decide to leave society behind and go live in the woods. My parents were those people. My dad hates technology and my mother is literally allergic to it, so it’s not like I’d be able to call them. Last they heard from me I was on a research station on the other side of the planet.
Katkat:
Wait, humans can be allergic to technology?
Leif:
Uh, no, actually. Some of them think that electromagnetic fields make them sick. There’s no proof that’s true, but that doesn’t stop some Earthlings from feeling that way.
Katkat:
But, you’re an engineer.
Leif:
Yeah.
Katkat:
So, the things you would make, made your mom sick?
Leif:
... Yeah, it wasn’t great. That on top of having a dad who was a pretty big asshole, made leaving pretty easy. So, like I said, you guys are doing a great job.
Katkat:
Okay, well, onto other business. I’m going to open up a bottle of Festen-Lye.
Hannes:
Really? What’s the special occasion?
Katkat:
We’re all going to have a glass and you two are going to tell me what the fuck is going on.
Hannes:
I see.
Leif:
I hope I haven’t gotten anyone into trouble.
Hannes:
You haven’t.
Katkat:
I’ll be the judge of that.
Leif:
Why don’t you tell me what you know and I’ll fill in the rest.
Katkat:
Okay. I know that we had to leave the coalition planets so that Hannes could continue his research. I know that he had an anonymous little helper that up and vanished a while back. I now know that that little anonymous helper is somehow an Earthling.
Leif:
... And you know what his research is about, I’m assuming?
Hannes:
She knows.
Katkat:
I know. When we first started seeing each other, and he finally confessed to me that his pet project was a doomsday device, I strongly questioned my taste in potential partners.
Leif:
Understandable.
Katkat:
But then he finally convinced me that he was researching it, so that he could prevent it from ever being built.
Leif:
Well, the idea was, if we can come up with a viable model for this doomsday device, it meant someone else could too. Which would mean someone needs to come up with a way to defend against it.
Hannes:
Our home planets want nothing to do with this research, which is why we had to leave, so I could keep working.
Leif:
What else would you like to know?
Hannes:
This is actually when she decides she doesn’t want to hear any more about it. Which I get.
Katkat:
He told me you had a cute little name for this thing.
Leif:
... A Cowcatcher.
Katkat:
Uh huh... how does it work?
Hannes:
You’re sure you want to know this, Kat?
Katkat:
Sweetie, Jeremy hasn’t shown up because he’s on vacation. You’ve had a breakthrough I’m assuming?
Leif:
Yeah, I have.
Katkat:
So... how does it work?
Leif:
Okay... Imagine a missile that travels faster than the speed of light. If you’re traveling faster than light, one of your many potential problems is photon collection. You’re now traveling faster than photons, which means some of them may collect on your hull. A Cowcatcher is designed to collect as many photons as possible as it travels faster than light. When a Cowcatcher arrives at it’s target, it doesn’t blow up or anything, it just stops.
Hannes:
And every single photon it’s collected is suddenly released at the speed of light.
Leif:
If you’ve traveled faster than the speed of light for long enough, when a Cowcatcher stops it could potentially release enough energy to obliterate an entire solar system.
Katkat:
... Fuck.
Leif:
Yeah.
Hannes:
It’s like dropping a supernova in your enemies’ backyard.
Katkat:
... Feeling pretty justified in not asking about your work, honey.
Hannes:
I know. I’m sorry.
Katkat:
So... What’s the verdict? Am I going to be staying up nights afraid that we’re suddenly going to atomized?
Leif:
I was hoping at some point your husband and I could compare notes so we could see how much sleep you have to lose.
Katkat:
Well, I’m glad I started drinking early.
We move to hannes’ study. A display hums in front of them as he explains.
Hannes:
So here’s the visualization of the warp bubble. As you can see, in the front of the bubble spacetime contracts and at the back of the bubble it expands. The weapon technically stays still, while the warp bubble it’s contained in travels faster than light. The most unexpected thing I found is that, assuming the power source is consistent, acceleration can be infinite.
Leif:
Really?
Hannes:
Yeah, so not only would this theoretically go faster than light, it can go several times faster.
Leif:
Nice.
Hannes:
As you might be able to tell, I just took the basic ideas from an inertial dampener and I kept expanding the idea. It was way too unruly at first but If I modify the bubble geometry to make the walls of the bubble thicker it gets much more stable.
We hear the sound of the hologram contracting and then consistently humming.
Leif:
Okay... There it is.
Hannes:
Yeah. It’s possible, for sure. And I think with this new bubble construction it’ll require a lot less power. But it will still need a very powerful engine. Something more powerful than anything out there.
Leif:
And that’s where I come in.
Hannes:
How have things been going on your end?
Leif:
Hang on, let me connect to my ship’s drive.
Hannes:
... Can you imagine if the Teds got a hold of something like this? They could end a rebellion at the drop of a hat with one of these.
Leif:
They could, but The Teds are just as dependent on the Traid as we are on them. They start blowing up star systems and they’re ending their lifeline of natural resources. Also, they religiously ban any research on faster than light travel since it would be a direct competitor to their warp gates. I don’t worry about the Teds, I worry about bad actors. I worry about pirates, terrorists. Then past that I worry about proliferation. Suddenly we’re living in a world where three galaxies all have a gun pointed at each other.
The hologram in front of them changes.
Leif:
Okay. This is Uncle Rogue. It’s a dark matter engine. A dark matter engine isn’t the kind of power signature we’re looking for but if I keep the basic idea intact but flip it on it’s head, it can harvest dark energy instead of dark matter.
Hannes:
So the fuel source has negative energy density.
Leif:
Exactly. So I’ve got my simulation now plugged into your simulation. Let’s see what happens.
Leif activates the simulation and the whole thing comes to life.
Hannes:
... Holy shit... It works...
Leif:
... Hammer of the fucking gods.
Hannes:
How fast is it going?
Leif:
1.3 Times the speed of light. But watch what happens when I speed up the time line.
The hologram moves faster.
Hannes:
1.4... 1.5, It’s getting faster.
Leif:
Just like you said. Looks like, forgive the Earth metric, but after traveling for a year it’ll be going 5.7 Times faster than the speed of light.
Hannes:
And it’ll just keep going.
Leif:
Until it hits it’s target.
Hannes:
... This is amazing.
Leif:
Yes.
Hannes:
It’s also very bad.
Leif:
Also that.
Hannes:
... This is a very strange feeling.
Leif:
Because it’s an amazing breakthrough and also the most destructive weapon ever created?
Hannes:
Yes.
Leif:
This may help...
Leif changes the hologram.
Leif:
Okay, I’ve zoomed out on the simulation. Look at the energy wake.
Hannes:
... It’s emitting something.
Leif:
Yeah.
Hannes:
It’s emitting waves forward.
Leif:
It is.
Hannes:
... How can it send anything forward when it’s going faster than anything in the universe?
Leif:
Those are gravity waves. And because of the gravitational distortion...
Hannes:
It’s sending gravity waves forward in time.
Leif:
That’s right. If you can keep an eye out for this very specific frequency of gravity waves, conceivably you can detect this thing before it’s even launched.
Hannes:
... I know I’ve studied this my entire life but... physics is so fucked up, man.
Leif:
Right?
Hannes:
So yes, this is the most dangerous weapon ever created, but it’s got an early warning system built into it.
Leif:
Yes. Which, look, it would be great if it didn’t work at all, but at least you can see it coming. If you can see it coming you can figure out how to stop it. But only if people know about it.
Hannes:
We need to tell someone.
Leif:
Yes.
Hannes:
Even making this simulation is highly illegal, who do we tell?
Leif:
There’s someone on Sigius you can talk to, her name’s Whela, she’s the mom of a friend of mine. She’ll know what to do.
Hannes:
... Okay...
Leif:
There’s something we have to do first.
Hannes:
What?
Leif:
Get real drunk.
Hannes:
Fuck yeah, we do.
Later that night. Leif has his bag packed and is attempting to sneak out. He activates a comms device.
Leif:
Engines on. Flight path calculation parameters: quadrant search for Unstable Unicorn.
Terrwyn:
Hi.
Leif:
Oh shit... hey, Terrwyn.
Terrwyn:
... I said leaving without saying goodbye would be very rude.
Leif:
You did say that, I’m sorry.
Terrwyn:
Where are you going?
Leif:
I’ve got some work to do.
Terrwyn:
What kind of work?
Leif:
I’m a freelance engineer, so I go where the work is.
Terrwyn:
Your work is on an Unstable Unicorn?
Leif:
Ah. Kind of. Uh... what I’m doing is called a build order. I’m making something from the ground up, so it’s nice to have enough space. I have a tendency to settle down on an Unstable Unicorn for a while and do most of the work there. No distractions, no danger of setting the neighbors house on fire.
Terrwyn:
What are you building?
Leif:
Nothing too exciting. Water harvester for a dry planet.
Terrwyn:
Okay...
Leif:
... So it’s just you and your folks out here, huh?
Terrwyn:
Yeah.
Leif:
You don’t get to hang out with kids your age?
Terrwyn:
School is just a monitor screen for me. Once a month we all take a field trip together.
Leif:
That must be fun.
Terrwyn:
Kids my age are pretty annoying.
Leif:
Okay.
Terrwyn:
But they’re fine... how did you know you wanted to be an engineer?
Leif:
I couldn’t help myself, really. Even when I was younger than you, I kept making stuff, taking stuff apart, putting it back together. How about you, what do you want to be?
Terrwyn:
I don’t know... Is it true that everyone on my planet is a lawyer?
Leif:
Nyx? On the crimson side of the planet, sure. Lawyers, dealmakers. Usually if there’s a deal to be made in The Triad, there’s a Crimson Nyxite involved somehow.
Terrwyn:
But not on the other side?
Leif:
No, on the Flaxian side you’ll find a lot of astronomers and musicians.
Terrwyn:
Okay... I don’t think I want to do any of that.
Leif:
That’s fine.
Terrwyn:
... I don’t know how to figure out what to do with my life.
Leif:
Are you asking me for life advice, Terrwyn?
Terrwyn:
I don’t talk to a lot of adults other than my parents, I’m taking advantage of the situation.
Leif:
I see... Any time now, you’re going to do something, and for some inexplicable reason you’re going to be better at it than the other kids. Listen to those moments.
Terrwyn:
... That’s pretty vague.
Leif:
Sorry.
Terrwyn:
Crap. Don’t tell my mom.
Leif:
What?
Terrwyn runs off and hides. Katkat emerges from the bedroom.
Katkat:
Oh. Hey.
Leif:
Hey.
Katkat:
Judging by how drunk Hannes was when he went to sleep, the two of you had a pretty big night.
Leif:
Yeah. Yeah we did.
Katkat:
Really?
Leif:
Really.
Katkat:
... I’m going to have a drink.
Leif:
Okay.
Katkat:
You?
Leif:
No, I’m good.
Katkat crosses to the kitchen and starts pouring a drink.
Katkat:
You know, two guys coming up with a working model for a doomsday device does not seem like a good reason to do some heavy drinking. Or maybe it does. Depending on your perspective.
Leif:
I’m sure it seems pretty weird, but it was a serious breakthrough.
Katkat:
... So he’s going to be able to go to Sigius and show them this doomsday device, and they’ll start to take it seriously?
Leif:
Absolutely.
Katkat:
... It can really destroy an entire solar system?
Leif:
Yeah... yeah it can.
Katkat:
... I’m a scientist too, y’know?
Leif:
Oh yeah?
Katkat:
It’s not as fancy as a theoretical physicist. I think Earthlings call me a Limnologist?
Leif:
I’m not familiar.
Katkat:
Lakes and rivers. Freshwater systems.
Leif:
That’s cool.
Katkat:
You know what, Jeremy. It is cool. Thank you for saying so... I convinced Hannes that we should come out here to the Colony Candidates so that I could study the freshwater systems of all these untouched planets. But really... things were getting a little scary in the Triad, have you noticed that?
Leif:
Sure.
Katkat:
I wanted to get away from it all. Go somewhere where I didn’t have to worry about inter-system politics or The Teds or...
Leif:
Doomsday machines?
Katkat:
Yes.
Leif:
I really do mean it when I call this good news. Sigius is an amazing place and it’s an amazing example to other planets, but they’ve got to get their heads out of the sand on this.
Katkat:
... Their heads out of the sand?
Leif:
Sorry, it’s an Earth thing, there’s this bird called an ostrich, never mind... It’s not enough for Sigius to just take care of it’s own business. It’s got to take the lead on things like this.
Katkat:
I know...
Leif:
... I know where you’re coming from. The desire to escape is something I’m very familiar with... But it always comes for you. In the end, there’s no safe place.
Katkat:
... And on that tranquil note, I’m off to bed.
Leif:
Sorry.
Katkat:
It’s okay. I understand where you’re coming from, Jeremy. I’m glad you showed up, he was starting to consider taking farming more seriously.
Leif:
Gross.
Katkat:
Right?
Katkat exits to the bedroom. Terrwyn sneaks back out when the coast is clear.
Terrwyn:
Thanks for not saying anything.
Leif:
So you get spoken to like an adult but you still have a mandatory bed time?
Terrwyn:
It’s a little contradictory around here, Jeremy.
Leif:
Okay.
Terrwyn:
... You lied to us earlier.
Leif:
... I did?
Terrwyn:
You said that you knew someone from my planet named Libuza.
Leif:
That’s right.
Terrwyn:
I don’t remember my planet, so I read about it sometimes. No one’s allowed to be named that on my planet. It’s a sacred name.
Leif:
Really?
Terrwyn:
A long time ago there was someone named Libuza on my planet. She’s famous for being the daughter of some warlord guy. So unless you were alive a long time ago, you were lying to us.
Leif:
Sorry. I must’ve heard the name somewhere, and I guess I was just trying to make you feel better.
Terrwyn:
You don’t have to do that.
Leif:
Okay.
Terrwyn:
... I hate this visor, Jeremy.
Leif:
Really, I hadn’t heard.
Terrwyn:
I’m the only kid in my class that has one.
Leif:
That’s doesn’t make you feel cool?
Terrwyn:
Do I look cool to you?
Leif:
Kind of.
Terrwyn:
I look like a Raxian Riot Cop.
Leif:
I’ll tell you what. I can make that visor cool real quick but you can’t tell your parents.
Terrwyn:
How?
Leif:
Can you give it to me?
Terrwyn:
... Okay.
Terrwyn removes her visor and give it to Leif.
Leif:
Thank you.
Terrwyn:
What are you doing?
Leif:
Don’t panic, but the sound you’re about to hear is the sound of me cracking open the data center for your visor.
Terrwyn:
I don’t think you’re supposed to do that.
Leif:
I’m definitely not. Hang on... See... They wanted to sell visors with upgrades on them, but they found it was cheaper to sell everyone the same visor with the upgrades locked away, and you can pay to have them unlocked.
Terrwyn:
Upgrades?
Leif:
... There we go... Okay put it back on.
Terrwyn:
Okay... it looks the same.
Leif:
So, that button on the side that doesn’t do anything, give it a try.
Terrwyn pushes the button.
Terrwyn:
Whoa.
Leif:
That’s a low light filter.
Terrwyn:
It looks like it’s the middle of the day.
Leif:
I know.
Terrwyn:
That is... cool.
Leif:
What did I tell you? Press it again.
Terrwyn:
Okay, what is this?
Leif:
That’s the ranger setting. It’ll give you a compass, sunrise/sunset, topographical map in the corner.
Terrwyn:
Can I see through walls?
Leif:
Kind of. Press it again.
Terrwyn:
... You’re a big red blob.
Leif:
Thermal imaging. Look at that wall.
Terrwyn:
... There are two more red blobs.
Leif:
That’s your parents sleeping in the next room.
Terrwyn:
Whoa... This is amazing.
Leif:
See?
Terrwyn:
I’m going to use this all the time.
Leif:
Good, just don’t get me in trouble.
Terrwyn:
Look at them, I see them sleeping through the wall.
Leif:
You’re always going to know where they are, and they’re really going to hate that.
Terrwyn:
My parents are now a couple of blobs... Did you know your parents?
Leif:
My parents? Yeah, I did. I do.
Terrwyn:
... Do you still talk to them?
Leif:
No it’s uh... it’s a little hard to stay in contact when I’m out here.
Terrwyn:
... Do you think they miss you?
Leif:
I think my mom probably does. My dad... that’s a little more complicated.
Terrwyn:
... Are you glad you knew them?
Leif:
... Yeah, I am.
Terrwyn:
...
Leif:
... Family is a funny word, Terrwyn.
Terrwyn:
Why is it a funny word?
Leif:
Family is the word you use for the people that give birth to you, and who were born with you. That’s how most people use that word... And then one day you find yourself thrown together with a bunch of people you didn’t choose and didn’t choose you... and after a while you turn around one day and you realize, this collection of strangers you’ve stumbled into, that if anyone tried to hurt them or take them away from you, that you’d burn the whole world down to stop them... but you’re not supposed to call them family.
Terrwyn:
What do you call them?
Leif:
... There’s not a word for it in my language... Your dad had a big day today Terrwyn, you should be proud of him. They’re proud of you too.
Terrwyn:
How do you know?
Leif:
Because I know what it looks like when parents are disappointed.
Terrwyn:
... Earthlings are interesting.
Leif:
Thanks.
Terrwyn:
I wish you didn’t have to go.
Leif:
... me too. But there’s something I have to do.
Terrwyn:
Okay... Can I tell my parents about the visor?
Leif:
Yes, but you have to wait until I’m gone.
Terrwyn:
Okay... Goodbye, Jeremy.
Leif:
Goodbye.
After terrwyn is well out of sight, Leif activates his comms device again.
Leif:
Begin pre-flight. Let’s get out of here.
We slowly transition to the nancy sinatra mid-flight.
Libuza:
It would take a full turn around a star, but The Builder would finally make his weapon. A weapon that used dark ideas to harness dark forces... The Builder faced a cursed God, and the weapon he would use to defeat him would be equally cursed. The ones he loved would find it abhorrent, but the ones he loved were nowhere to be found. The Builder was alone, and when we are alone we go to the darkest places.
Leif emerges from the back room reattaching his arm.
Leif:
Status.
Ship’S Computer:
Fuel enrichment at 95%.
Leif:
Alert me at 100%... Work’s almost done, old man... It’s mounted on the hull and it’ll be ready to launch any minute now... Fine.
Leif uncorks a bottle, pours, and drinks. He walks to the coms panel and presses a few buttons. We hear Leif’s comms system trying to connect. He then hear Hannes’ recorded voice.
Hannes:
Hello, this is Hannes il Mulzakia, you’ve reached my comms node. I am currently residing in the Sigius Colony Candidates and these messages may take a while to reach me. Please be patient.
We hear a tone.
Leif:
... Hey Hannes... I imagine after I disappeared on you, you got real worried that I had some nefarious purposes. I wanted to leave you this message to let you know that I don’t have any dark designs, okay?... Playing this out in my head, you probably approached Sigius with our design and they probably had a nice big Sigian freak out... If there was one particular Sigian involved in the conversation it may have been revealed who it really was that visited your house a while back... So, my name is Leif. If you check the Teds’ top ten most wanted list... actually you won’t find me there because they think I’m dead... I am dead... but also not... it’s complicated... Full disclosure, Hannes... I built it. There is currently a fully operational Cow Catcher attached to the hull of my ship right now and it’s almost at full fuel enrichment... And yes I am going to fire it... But my target isn’t in the Triad... it’s much farther away... It’s headed toward Cryptessia. A place called The Egg. Ask a pirate, they’ll tell you all about it. I’ll launch it in just a few minutes, it will travel up out of the system and head towards Cryptessia. It’ll reach the speed of light within the first day of travel. After that it will increase it’s speed for years. By my estimation it’ll take about six and a half earth years to get there. By the time it reaches it’s target... it will be going faster than maybe anything in the universe has ever traveled... Pretty amazing accomplishment... Too bad it’s a weapon... I’m not going to attempt to tell you why I’m doing this... you’re going to have to trust me... yes I realize how laughable that is... you’ve got a great family, Hannes... I’m trying to protect them...
Leif presses a button and ends the message.
Ship’S Computer:
Fuel enrichment at 100%.
Leif:
Okay... showtime... Launch.
Ship’S Computer:
Beginning launch sequence...
We hear the cow catcher power up on the hull of the nancy sinatra. There is a massive swell of energy and then it is gone in a fraction of a second.
Ship’S Computer:
Launch successful.
Leif:
... Eat shit, Krok... I’m going to drink myself to sleep. Set a proximity alarm at point five parsecs.
Ship’S Computer:
Proximity alarm at point 5 parsecs.
Libuza:
His creation unleashed, The Builder dwelt in darkness now. There is comfort there, in the darkest places. Despite the absence of light, we know our dark places well. They are with us always, tempting us away from the sunrise, away from the laughter, away from what could be.
We slowly fade into silence. AFter a moment we fade back up with Leif’s proximity alarm going off. Leif slowly wakes up.
Leif:
Jesus christ, what?
Leif gets up, knocking ofer his empty glass and bottle.
Leif:
Fuck!
Leif stumbles over to the console and shuts off the proximity alarm.
Leif:
Identify ship in proximity boundary.
Ship’S Computer:
No ships in proximity boundary.
Leif:
Great. Nice work. I’m going back to sleep.
We begin to hear a very strange sound. It grows louder and louder.
Leif:
The fuck is that?... Full range scan for vessels.
Ship’S Computer:
Full range scan... no vessels detected.
Leif:
Then what is that sound?... Bring up external cameras...
Several screens come to life.
Leif:
Nothing... the fuck is that sound... I don’t recognize that sound...
The sound is almost deafening.
Leif:
Vent plasma from thrusters two and four.
Ship’S Computer:
Venting plasma.
Leif can see it now.
Leif:
... What the fuck?
We slowly fade on the sound until silence. The silence is broken by a struck match and a pull on a cigarette. We are back in Hood’s Pocket.
Verge:
How’d he lose the arm?
Eldin:
Honestly he hasn’t been coherent since the gate shock set in.
Verge:
He doesn’t get gate shock, that doesn’t make any sense.
Eldin:
Gate shock is the only term I have for what he’s going through, I don’t really know what’s happened to him.
Verge:
His foot too?
Eldin:
Arm and foot, but it’s curious, I have no idea where they came from. I can’t identify the manufacturer or the technology, they’re more elegant than anything available in the Triad.
Verge:
Could he have made them himself?
Eldin:
Doubtful, he always had an aversion to biological interfaces.
The door to the bathroom opens and Leif emerges.
Verge:
...
Leif:
...
Verge:
Rough crossing?
Leif:
... How did I get here?
Verge:
... Sit down.
Leif sits in a chair across the room.
Verge:
... A long time ago I get a message from you. At least I think it was you. You told me about a nice quiet place on a mountain... I thought to myself “This is not the man I knew. Who is this person?”... I ignore it at first, not sure what to do. And my life is complicated, I don’t have time for mysteries, so I get on with things and it sits there in my inbox for a very long time... And then one day news breaks across The Triad, something called Midnight Burger, criss-crossing the Triad, riling up the locals... And there you are... “This is also not the man I knew,” I said... It wasn’t the man in the message it wasn’t the man... Who am I talking to?
Leif:
... It’s me.
Verge:
I know it’s you, idiot... But who are you?
Leif:
... I can’t stay on Earth, that’ll just make it worse. I’ll get out of here and hitch a ride somehow, I didn’t come here on purpose.
Verge:
... Earth?
Leif:
Yes.
Verge laughs to themself.
Leif:
What?
Verge:
Come outside.
Leif:
Why?
Verge:
Get up and come outside.
We move to outside the parking lot. They walk out into the middle of parking lot.
Leif:
... What are we doing?
Verge:
Remember that sexy thing you used to do where you’d look up at the sky and you could tell exactly where you were just by looking at the stars. No instruments or anything, just that brain of yours?
Leif:
I guess.
Verge:
... Look up.
Leif:
... What?
Leif looks up.
Leif:
... What the fuck?
A massive spacecraft passes over their heads.
Leif:
... Where the fuck am I?
Verge:
Welcome to the Horizon.
We begin to hear square dancing music. The music changes and now we’re hearing it through speakers. We begin to hear the hum of a starship. After a moment, a door slides open and the music is shut off.
Mystery Man 1:
What were you listening to?
Mystery Man 2:
Nothing.
Mystery Man 1:
... Were you listening to that music again?
Mystery Man 2:
No.
Mystery Man 1:
We’re forbidden from listening to Square Dancing.
Mystery Man 2:
I wasn’t listening to Square Dancing.
Mystery Man 1:
... Anything on the scans?
Mystery Man 2:
No, not yet.
Mystery Man 1:
They told us the ship disappeared in this nebula, it has to be here somewhere.
Mystery Man 2:
Maybe we’re in the wrong nebula.
Mystery Man 1:
Is it the KylerRen Nebula?
Mystery Man 2:
It’s the KylerRen Nebula.
Mystery Man 1:
Then we’re in the right Nebula.
Mystery Man 2:
... It just looks like purple mist everywhere.
Mystery Man 1:
We’ll find it.
Mystery Man 2:
Our sensors don’t work very well here.
Mystery Man 1:
Then let’s go home and tell them we gave up. Would you like to do that?
Mystery Man 2:
I’m just saying it’s going to take a long time.
Mystery Man 1:
Then it takes a long time, these are our orders.
Mystery Man 2:
Okay, fine.
Mystery Man 1:
... Were you listening to square dancing?
Mystery Man 2:
... Yes.
Mystery Man 1:
You’re going to get both of us sent back to processing.
Mystery Man 2:
I can’t help it.
Mystery Man 1:
You can help it.
Mystery Man 2:
... Do you want to hear it?
Mystery Man 1:
... Okay, put it on.
Square dancing music plays again. After a few moments, the sensors in the ship start going off.
Mystery Man 1 :
Oh crap. Turn it off, turn it off!
The music shuts off.
Mystery Man 1:
... There.
Mystery Man 2:
I can see it.
Mystery Man 1:
There’s our missing ship. Hail it.
Mystery Man 2:
Their comms aren’t working... It looks like it’s drifting.
Mystery Man 1:
Get closer.
Mystery Man 2:
Okay.
The thrusters fire on their ship and they get closer to the derelict.
Mystery Man 2:
It’s definitely drifting. What do you think happened to them?
Mystery Man 1:
Is that... Is something written on the side of the hull?
Mystery Man 2:
Written?
Mystery Man 1:
Zoom in.
Mystery Man 2:
Okay...
Mystery Man 1:
... “Your dog hates their clothes.”... What does that mean?
We hear something huge hit the side of their ship.
Mystery Man 2:
What was that?
Mystery Man 1:
We’re being boarded!
Zebulon:
(Coming through their speakers.) Some went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. They saw the works of the Lord, his wonderful deeds in the deep.
Mystery Man 1:
We need to get to the armory!
Two huge thumps are heard on the doors to the cockpit.
Mystery Man 2:
What was that?
Mystery Man 1:
Oh no.
The doors are pulled open and a large robot walks into the cockpit.
Effie:
(In the robot.) Evening, gents. How about I give y’all a half a minute to repent your sins?
The end