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Welcome to the Horizon
Part 5: Trinkett’s Trip
morning once again at the SHeep’s eye.
June:
So, here’s something...
Frank:
What?
June:
What are we going to do during skiing season?
Frank:
What do you mean, “what are we going to do?”
June:
I mean what are we going to do?
Frank:
Can you be a little more specific than that?
June:
“Welcome to the Horizon Motel, please let us know if you need more pillows or of your toilet sprouts tentacles and tries to eat you.”
Frank:
Ah... Right.
June:
Right.
Frank:
Honestly, I’m usually a big fan of long term thinking but I don’t think I can see all the way to tourist season right now.
June:
Because of the comet that’s going to hit us and destroy the Earth?
Frank:
A comet is not going to hit the Earth, I wish you would stop saying that.
June:
I wish you’d stop saying that.
Frank:
You’re not listening to what Trinkett told us.
June:
Are you?
Frank:
If anything, a comet is going to pass very close to Earth. It’s not going to hit us.
June:
And when it passes?
Frank:
When it passes it will, quite possibly, shower the Earth with dangerous debris that could have cataclysmic consequences.
June:
Listen to what optimism sounds like these days.
Frank:
I know.
Deidre approaches.
Deidre:
Hey, you two.
Frank:
Hey Deidre.
Deidre:
How are we doing?
June:
Frank’s trying out optimism lately and it’s like he’s wearing a funny hat all the time.
Deidre:
Okay. Well, in keeping with that, I have a few things.
Frank:
Here we go.
June:
Let the games begin.
Deidre:
I am also going to try and stay positive while delivering some stressful news.
June:
Okay, good luck.
Frank:
What’s happening?
Deidre:
We are experiencing a bit of a dip in the population.
Frank:
What do you mean?
Deidre:
People are moving away.
Frank:
They are?
Deidre:
Well, a lot of rental properties are owned by T.J. and I handle a lot of the rent collection and deposits for him. A lot of vacancies are opening up so I started checking into it. Lots of people are leaving town.
June:
How many?
Deidre:
Well, I don’t know the exact number but, Eli the Electrician is gone, Locksmith Andy is gone.
Frank:
Shit.
Deidre:
That’s the only electrician and the only locksmith in town.
June:
Don’t lose your keys, I guess.
Deidre:
Basil is also gone.
Frank:
Basil.
June:
Y’know, Basil and their tea?
Frank:
The tea shop.
Deidre:
Yes. Closed down and moved to Boring, apparently.
June:
A tea shop in Boring. Get it?
Deidre:
I don’t know what happened to Dr. Lattice, but there was a note on her door saying “Living with the raccoons now.”
Frank:
Raccoons?
June:
I have to say, I saw that coming.
Frank:
What was she a doctor of?
June:
Nobody knows.
Deidre:
Also Zivia’s mom and Pepper’s mom.
Frank:
Pepper’s... who?
Deidre:
Embarrassingly, for some people, I only know their dog’s names.
June:
Aha.
Frank:
How many all together?
Deidre:
Again, I don’t know, but I’m guessing about a hundred.
Frank:
Okay.
June:
Can you blame them?
Frank:
I guess not.
Deidre:
Look, I think about getting out too but, I don’t know, I feel like I’d be abandoning people.
Frank:
I get it.
June:
Not everybody’s going to feel that way, Deidre.
Frank:
Honestly, maybe they’re better off. I’m certainly not going to beg anyone to stay. If someone needs basic electrical work done just tell them to call me.
June:
If they loose their keys tell them to go through the window.
Frank:
And if they need tea, tell them to drink coffee.
Deidre:
Okay. Speaking of which, I’ll come back with some coffee.
June:
Thanks, Deidre.
Frank:
Hey Deidre.
Deidre:
Yeah?
Frank:
Thank you for staying.
Deidre:
Sure.
Deidre walks inside.
Frank:
Honestly if I were her age I would’ve left when Relentless Rick showed up.
June:
Oh, I think Deidre’s got a few more reasons to stay than your average Hood’s Pocket citizen.
Frank:
What? Because of T.J.?
June:
... I think Deidre’s got a little thing for our local extra-terrestrial.
Frank:
Deidre’s got a thing for Verge?
June:
I think so. The vibe is out there. Can you feel the vibes?
Frank:
I try not to feel vibes.
June:
They’re out there.
Frank:
So Deidre, our nice local barkeep, has a thing for Verge, the apparently quite dangerous space alien living at our motel.
June:
Correct.
Frank:
Well... that’s not a train wreck waiting to happen at all, is it?
June:
Not at all.
Frank:
Whatever.
June:
I had a prime opportunity to make an alien probe joke right there and I abstained, where is my Peabody Award?
Frank:
A grateful nation thanks you.
June:
Somebody should be getting laid, right? This is the end of the world, shouldn’t people be sleeping with each other? Maybe I should call Tarvok.
Frank:
If you call Tarvok, I’m leaving town. Does he even have a phone? Don’t you have to blow a mystic horn from a mountaintop for him to appear?
June:
Oh, he’s got a horn alright.
Frank:
Desist. Immediately.
June:
Hey here’s something. It’s ten AM and nothing weird has happened yet.
Frank:
... Do you you know what you just did?
June:
I just jinxed it.
Frank:
You just jinxed it.
June:
Somebody had to.
Frank:
No they didn’t... You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go talk to Trinkett.
June:
Why?
Frank:
I don’t know. I think she’s still a little messed up from our mushroom festival the other day, I’m going to go check in, make sure she’s alright.
June:
Normally I’d object, but I think you’re kind of right.
Frank:
Order me some oatmeal when Deidre comes back.
June:
What was that? Chocolate chip pancakes?
Frank:
Oatmeal.
June:
Whipped cream on top?
Frank:
Whatever.
Frank makes his way across the street to Tinkett’s shop.
Flat Doug:
Morning, Frank.
Frank:
Hey Doug.
Flat Doug:
Hey, I heard that Eli left.
Frank:
Yeah, if you need some basic electrical I can probably do it.
Flat Doug:
Okay, he got all his supplies through the store so if you need wires and stuff I can get them.
Frank:
That’s great.
Flat Doug:
Also Locksmith Andy?
Frank:
Yeah.
Flat Doug:
The guy who got me the change machine, he can also get me one of those automatic kiosks that makes keys for you.
Frank:
Really?
Flat Doug:
Might take a couple of weeks.
Frank:
Let’s do that.
Flat Doug:
Okay. I’ll let you know when it’s here.
Frank:
Thank you.
Doug keeps walking.
Frank:
Hey, Doug.
Flat Doug:
Yeah.
Frank:
You seem more relaxed lately, are you doing yoga or something?
Flat Doug:
Uh... honestly I think everyone in town is now at my usual anxiety level, so it just looks like I’ve calmed down.
Frank:
Yeah, that sounds right.
Flat Doug:
See you.
Frank:
Bye.
Frank stops at the door.
Frank:
Okay, we’re going to be nice, we’re going to be supportive, we’re not going to make fun of anything... today. No promises tomorrow.
Frank walks in to trinkett’s shop.
Frank:
Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Hello.
Frank:
How are you doing?
Trinkett:
I’m alright, how are you?
Frank:
I’m good, I’m good. I was just talking to Deidre, apparently we’re seeing some people leaving town.
Trinkett:
I think we expected that.
Frank:
Yeah, so I was thinking, maybe we should get a meeting together over at the Sheep’s Eye? People may want to leave, but won’t be able to, maybe we should try and assure people that they’ll be alright if they stay?
Trinkett:
... I don’t think I can do that today.
Frank:
Trinkett, look. I know the experience at Cameron’s house was rough, but I think you might feel better if you engage with people a little bit, y’know? Get out of your head.
Trinkett:
I’ve just taken some Ayahuasca.
Frank:
...
Trinkett:
Do you know what that is?
Frank:
Of course I know what that is.
Trinkett:
So, I think a town meeting would be bad.
Frank:
Trinkett, what the hell are you doing?
Trinkett:
I’ve done this many times before, Frank.
Frank:
Oh, I’m sure, but you chose right now?
Trinkett:
I need some clarity.
Frank:
Some clarity.
Trinkett:
I’m losing focus and I’m losing vision. I need some guidance so I brewed some this morning and I just drank it. It’s going to be fine.
Frank:
Trinkett, what’s this going to do to you?
Trinkett:
I thought you knew what it was.
Frank:
I know it’s what tech billionaires do at resorts. It’s where they get their great ideas on how to fuck up society.
Trinkett:
That’s a very pessimistic view and I can’t help that it’s being misused.
Frank:
What’s it going to do to you?
Trinkett:
I’m going to experience some visions and probably a bit of euphoria. What I see will be dictated by what I’m seeking.
Frank:
Which is what?
Trinkett:
... I have a particular worldview. Things have begun to happen that are outside that worldview and I need to expand my vision. I need a better understanding of the world as is changes.
Frank:
Right now, you need to do this?
Trinkett:
Absolutely.
Frank:
So while I’m out there dealing with all of the basic services disappearing from town you’re just going to be in here tripping your nuts off and communing with the spirits?
Trinkett:
Essentially, yes.
Frank:
... You told me we were in this together, that the town was going to need both of us.
Trinkett:
I was serious about that.
Frank:
You in here talking to the ghost of Timothy Leary while I’m out there dealing with things is not us “being in this together.”
Trinkett:
Do you want some tea as well? It might help me if we did this together.
Frank:
Trinkett.
Trinkett:
... I’m feeling very lost, Frank... I need to do this... This is what I do when I feel lost. Everybody knows what it means when you disappear up the mountain for a few days. It’s the same thing... please don’t be upset with me.
Frank:
Jesus Christ... Well, okay. Enjoy. If you happen to find the key to your enlightenment, be sure not to lose it, because we don’t have a fucking locksmith anymore.
Trinkett:
Frank.
Frank walks out the door. Doug comes running down the street, full tilt.
Flat Doug:
Oh shit. Oh shit. Excuse me, Frank. Oh shit!
Frank:
... That didn’t last long.
Frank starts walking back across the street. A car drives by, as it passes him the driver yells out the car window.
Guy In Car:
Life is an illusion!
Frank:
What?
The car continues down the street and lightly crashes into a telephone pole. The horn continuously honks.
Frank:
That’s great. Really great. Wonder who’s going to have to clean that up?
Frank sits back down at their table at the SHeep’s eye.
Frank:
Did you see that?
June:
What?
Frank:
Somebody just crashed into the telephone pole.
June:
They did?
Frank:
They’re still sitting there in their car.
June:
They are?
Frank:
... What is this?
June:
What?
Frank:
... Why do I have a turkey sandwich?
June:
What do you mean?
Frank:
Deidre brought me a turkey sandwich.
June:
Ok.
Frank:
... I see, this is a fun joke. This is another one of your oatmeal jokes.
June:
Oatmeal jokes...
Frank:
... Wait, why do you have a turkey sandwich?
June:
What do you mean?
Frank:
You have a turkey sandwich too.
June:
I do?
Frank:
... What the fuck is wrong with you?
June:
I don’t know what you mean.
Deidre:
Frank?
Frank:
Deidre, what are you doing?
Deidre:
I don’t remember who ordered these. Do you remember who ordered these?
Frank:
... Two turkey sandwiches?
Deidre:
I think so.
Frank:
Deidre, it’s nine-thirty in the morning. Nobody in the history of the world has ordered a turkey sandwich at nine-thirty in the morning.
Deidre:
... In the history of the world?
June:
Deidre, I think those are ours.
Frank:
No, they’re not. What are you talking about?!
June:
Are they not ours?
Frank:
We already have two turkey sandwiches that we didn’t order.
Deidre:
I’m sorry, Frank. I must’ve... you know, I don’t really know what happened, let me take your order again.
June:
Two turkey sandwiches.
Deidre:
Got it.
Frank:
No.
Deidre:
Coming right up.
Frank:
Deidre.
Deidre wanders away.
June:
I don’t know about you, but I’m really looking forward to that turkey sandwich.
Frank:
There’s one right in front of you.
June:
There is?... That was fast.
Frank:
... Wait a minute.
June:
What?
Frank:
I know that face.
June:
What face?
Frank:
That’s you’re “I’m trying very hard to conceal the fact that I’m high” face.
June:
I don’t have that face.
Frank:
I’m looking at it right now.
June:
Peshaw.
Frank:
I was gone for five minutes.
June:
Gone? Where did you go, where were you gone to?
Frank:
... Shit.
Frank gets up and walks toward the front door of the sheep’s eye.
June:
Can you get me a turkey sandwich?
Frank:
No.
June:
C’mon...
Frank walks inside the sheep’s eye.
Frank:
Deidre.
Deidre:
Hey Frank, here’s your turkey sandwich.
Frank:
Stop with the... Deidre, the bar is covered in turkey sandwiches, how many have you made?
Deidre:
... Was I supposed to count them?
Frank:
... Why are people laying on the floor right now?
Deidre:
I don’t know. But I get it, do you ever just want to lay down?
Frank:
... So this is what it’s going to be today, huh?
Deidre:
What?
Frank:
Deidre, why don’t you go sit down and have a glass of water, okay?
Deidre:
That sounds great.
Frank:
Don’t drive anywhere and don’t do anything in the kitchen, okay.
Deidre:
Okay.
Frank:
I’ll be back.
Deidre:
Okay. Frank?
Frank:
Yes.
Deidre:
Do you know who made all these turkey sandwiches?
Frank:
I’ll be back. Big glass of water, Diedre.
Deidre:
Okay!
Frank walks back outside and back to his table.
Frank:
You.
June:
You.
Frank:
Don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything.
June:
You don’t go anywhere don’t do anything.
Frank:
Give me your keys.
June:
They’re my favorite keys.
Frank:
Don’t go anywhere.
June:
Have I ever told you that your shoes have little duck faces on them?
Frank:
Goddamn it.
Frank walks away.
June:
Where’d these turkey sandwiches come from?
Frank makes his way back across the street. The car that hit the telephone pole is now backing up. It stops and then travels forward again.
Guy In Car:
Life is an illusion!
He hits the telephone pole again. Frank bursts into Trinkett’s shop.
Frank:
Trinkett!
Trinkett:
(From the back.) What?
Frank:
Come out here please.
Trinkett:
Okay, Frank, look. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you, I know we’re in this together. I’m not good at coordinating so-
Frank:
The whole town is high.
Trinkett:
... What?
Frank:
This ridiculous drug you just took, are you feeling the effects of it?
Trinkett:
... No.
Frank:
Is that strange?
Trinkett:
... Yes.
Frank:
You took a drug and it made everyone else high.
Trinkett:
How is that even-
Frank:
If you ask “How is that even possible?” I swear to God, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
... Hang on.
Trinkett and frank walk outside. The car is pulling back again.
Guy In Car:
Life is an illusion!
He smashes into the telephone pole again.
Trinkett:
Oh, shit.
Frank:
Come on.
They start walking across the street.
Trinkett:
Frank there’s no way I could’ve known this was going to happen.
Frank:
Sure, whatever. We’re going to go ahead and adopt a “you break it, you fix it” policy today. Hi, June.
June:
Trinkett! Trinkett, check it out. Frank’s shoes. Ducks, am I right?
Trinkett:
Shit.
June:
Language!
Frank:
You need to figure out how to snap everyone out of this.
Trinkett:
It’s not a hypnotic trance, Frank, I can’t just snap my fingers.
Frank:
You’ve got to do something.
Trinkett:
They’re just going to have to go through it. It’s not poison, it might be good for them.
Frank:
On an individual level? Sure, whatever. But everyone in town going through it all at the same time.
Trinkett:
We don’t know that it’s everyone in town.
Frank:
I will bet you five thousand dollars that it’s everyone in town.
June:
I’ll take that action! Roll the dice!
Deidre:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Hey, Diedre.
Deidre:
Here’s your turkey sandwich.
Trinkett:
Oh. Sweetie, I’m a vegan, remember?
Deidre:
Oh, that’s right!
Trinkett:
It’s okay.
Deidre:
I want to be vegan so bad, I think it would be so good for me.
Trinkett:
I know.
Deidre:
But then it’s barbecue day.
Trinkett:
That’s okay, Deidre. How about we sit down?
Deidre:
Okay.
Trinkett:
I think you should probably eat this sandwich.
Deidre:
I can do that?
Trinkett:
Yes. I think it’s a good idea. And just sit here, okay?
Deidre:
Right here?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Deidre:
... forever?
Trinkett:
No, Deidre. Just for a little while, okay?
Deidre:
Okay, that sounds good.
Trinkett:
Great.
Frank:
Any ideas how to handle this?
Trinkett:
I think the majority of people in town are going to be fine, but there may be a few who are going to have a bad trip, so we need to check up on as many people as we can.
Frank:
And if they’re having a bad trip, what then?
Trinkett:
I’ve got something I can make back at the shop, it can help keep them centered. It’s going to take me a few minutes.
Frank:
Great. Okay, get to work, I’ll start checking on people.
Trinkett:
Okay. Frank, I’m really sorry.
Frank:
It’s fine, go.
Trinkett walks across the street.
June:
Trinkett, where are going? Can you get me some pork rinds?
Frank:
Hey. You. Listen to me.
June:
I’m listening.
Frank:
Stay here. All day. Right here.
June:
Right here.
Frank:
Okay?
June:
Let’s do it.
Frank:
You promise?
June:
I promise. I’m going to pinkie swear, let’s pinkie swear... which one is my pinkie?
Frank:
Never mind. See you tonight!
June:
Pork rinds.
Deidre:
This sandwich is so good, who made it?
June:
I’m going to the store.
Frank knocks on verge’s door.
Frank:
Verge?
Verge’s door opens.
Verge:
Hey there, Frank. Let me guess, something weird is going on.
Frank:
Please tell me you’re not hallucinating.
Verge:
I don’t know, are you really here talking to me?
Frank:
Yes.
Verge:
Then I guess I’m not. Eldin, am I hallucinating?
Eldin:
How the fuck would I know?
Verge:
Let’s say no.
Frank:
Are your, uh, people, effected by something called ayahuasca?
Verge:
Eldin?
Eldin:
There’s no data available on that, but Vapians are generally not susceptible to hallucinogens.
Frank:
I’m liking your planet more and more, I should visit there.
Verge:
It’s a black hole now.
Frank:
All the more reason.
Verge:
Anything else you need to know, are you just going door to door?
Frank:
I need your help.
Verge:
I’m sensing a pattern.
Frank:
I can explain more later, but everyone in town has been given a powerful hallucinogen.
Verge:
...
Frank:
I know.
Verge:
What the hell are we supposed to do about this, Frank?
Frank:
I need you to help me check on people.
Verge:
Check on people?
Frank:
Yeah, make sure they’re okay.
Verge:
Have they been poisoned or something?
Frank:
No.
Verge:
Why are we checking on them?
Frank:
Because they could be going through a rough time.
Verge:
So?
Frank:
Verge. You have decided, at least for now, to make a home amongst people. That implies certain things. Things like helping them out in a jam and checking on them when they are mysteriously dosed by an Amazonian hallucinogen. Work with me here.
Verge:
Fine. What am I doing?
Frank:
People are just going to be wandering around so we have to track them down somehow.
Verge:
Do they all have phones?
Frank:
Phones? Yes, for the most part.
Verge:
Eldin, locate everyone’s phone and put them up on a map.
Eldin:
Sure.
Verge:
(Showing him the screen.) There you go.
Frank:
Holy shit. This is the whole town.
Verge:
Look Frank, there’s you.
Frank:
This is disturbing.
Verge:
What, that I can instantly pinpoint your location on a map using a device that you assume is completely private? The shock.
Frank:
Okay... okay seeing the map like this makes me realize this is going to be impossible to check on everyone.
Verge:
Great. Then I guess we hang out here. Do you want a drink? I’ve got some Wasabi Loobs Mum from Festen, best champagne in the galaxy.
Frank:
We need to do some triage.
Verge:
I’m beginning to understand why June makes fun of you all the time.
Frank:
There are some people in town that keep the place running more than others, we need to check on them. Without them, the wheels come off the wagon.
Verge:
The wheels are ON the wagon right now?
Frank:
Trinkett’s going to be fine, June’s taken more trips in the woods than a nearsighted lumberjack so I’m not worried about her. Let’s start with Doug and Deidre.
Verge:
The bartender?
Frank:
You wouldn’t think it but this place would be a mess without Deidre. Shit.
Verge:
What?
Frank:
She went home. We told her to stay put and she went home. Okay, I’m going to go check on Doug, you check on Deidre.
Verge:
Okay... how do I do that?
Frank:
How do you do what?
Verge:
Check on someone.
Frank:
You just... You check on them, you make sure they’re okay.
Verge:
But, what do I do?
Frank:
You don’t have to do anything. Make sure she’s not doing anything stupid.
Verge:
ANYTHING stupid?
Frank:
Verge. I get the whole High Plains Drifter thing but I’m not buying that you don’t know how to care about people, alright? Call me if you need anything. Wait, how do I call you, can I call you on that thing?
Verge:
Eldin, grab his phone.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Hello, Frank. I’m in your phone now. It’s terrible in here.
Verge:
Talk into your phone and I’ll hear it.
Frank:
Great.
We move to the corner store. We hear the drone of the refrigerators. June enters.
Flat Doug:
Who’s there?
June:
Who’s there?
Flat Doug:
June?
June:
Flat Doug?
Flat Doug:
What are you doing here?
June:
I’m getting groceries for my Aunt Hilda, what are you doing?
Flat Doug:
I work here.
June:
Right... Work... what do I do for work?
Flat Doug:
You work at the Horizon.
June:
Yes. Yes, I do... So I’m going to do some shopping.
Flat Doug:
Okay.
June:
You’re going to stay hiding behind the counter?
Flat Doug:
Yes. It’s safe here.
June:
Okie dokie.
Frank enters.
Frank:
I thought I told you to stay at the Sheep’s Eye.
June:
I’m shopping.
Frank:
This couldn’t wait until tomorrow?
June:
I’ve decided, no.
Frank:
What could possibly be so important?
June:
I’m taking some groceries to Aunt Hilda’s house.
Frank:
Aunt Hilda?
June:
Yes.
Frank:
Great.
June:
Doug I’m going to take these groceries.
Frank:
Please don’t drive.
June:
It’s right up the street.
Frank:
Uh huh.
June:
Frank. You’re doing a great job.
Frank:
I appreciate it, June. You know Aunt Hilda died five years ago.
June:
Don’t be ridiculous.
June walks out.
Frank:
... Doug?
Flat Doug:
... Frank?
Frank:
Doug, where are you?
Flat Doug:
... Where are you?
Frank:
I’m... I’m right here, I’m at the door.
Flat Doug:
... Were you followed?
Frank:
Followed? By who?
Flat Doug:
.... You know who.
Frank:
No I don’t.
Flat Doug:
I can hear it out there.
Frank:
What?... Doug don’t tell me.
Flat Doug:
A snow plow makes a very distinct sound, Frank. Did you know that?
Frank:
Doug, you’re the only one in town that doesn’t know that.
Flat Doug:
I’ve been hearing it all morning.
Frank:
Yes, I’m sure you have.
Flat Doug:
It can’t get me in here.
Frank:
Yeah, yeah I guess that’s true... So, you’re going to be fine, then?
Flat Doug:
So what do I do? Spend my life in here?
Frank:
You’re not going to feel this way forever, Doug.
Flat Doug:
I feel like I have spent my whole life in here.
Frank:
You haven’t spent your whole life in here, Doug.
Flat Doug:
I haven’t?
Frank:
Doug you go fly fishing twice a year and buck hunting every winter.
Flat Doug:
Yes. Yes I do, but all that time I feel like, mentally, I have always been a resident of Peppercorn’s Shop and Go.
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
Flat Doug:
When will I be set free of this place, Frank?
Frank:
Doug. You’re not a prisoner. You can walk outside any time.
Flat Doug:
The snow plow is out there, Frank, I can feel it.
Frank:
Doug. The Shop and Go is not a prison and there’s no snow plow outside.
Flat Doug:
Not all prisons have bars, Frank.
Frank:
Doug. Get up.
Flat Doug:
What if it sees me?
Frank:
Get up.
Flat Doug:
Fine. Can you hear anything?
Frank:
Nope. C’mon, let’s go.
Flat Doug:
Where are we going?
Frank:
We’re going outside.
Flat Doug:
I can’t go outside.
Frank:
Do you want to spend your life in here?
Flat Doug:
No.
Frank:
Well, occasionally if we want to leave the house we have to face the imaginary snow plows in our heads. Let’s go.
Flat Doug:
They’re very crafty, they can sneak up on you.
Frank:
Okay. Come on.
Frank and doug walk outside. All’s quiet.
Frank:
Okay. Here we are. See? No problem.
Flat Doug:
My god...
Frank:
What?
Flat Doug:
There it is.
Frank:
Doug?
Flat Doug:
It’s been hunting me all morning and there it is.
Frank:
No, Doug, that’s just a car. Someone crashed it into a telephone pole a few times and walked away I guess.
Flat Doug:
Shh. Don’t let it know we’re here.
Frank:
It’s just a car.
Flat Doug:
You know what, Frank? You know what... at a certain point you have to say enough is enough. All my life I’ve felt like there was something waiting for me right outside but I could never see it. But look... thar she blows.
Frank:
It’s just a car.
Flat Doug:
Enough is enough Frank!
Frank:
Doug-
Doug walks back inside.
Eldin:
Pardon me, Frank. I hate to interrupt because of how hilarious this is, but I thought I should alert you that someone you refer to as Edgy Steve has left the town limits and is wandering into the woods north of town.
Frank:
Wonderful. Can you call Trinkett?
Eldin:
Calling Trinkett.
Frank:
... Trinkett, how’s your magic potion coming along?... Uh huh, great. Listen, I’m a little busy with Flat Doug right now and apparently Steve is wandering into the woods north of town, you’re going to have to handle that one... Trinkett, Steve is going to wander right off a cliff or something, can you put your cauldron on “simmer” and go check on him please? I told you, I’m busy with Doug.
Doug re-emerges from the store with a baseball bat.
Frank:
... Who now has a baseball bat and is convinced that a car is a snowplow.
Flat Doug:
Towards thee I roll!
Doug starts hitting the car with the baseball bat.
Frank:
He’s hitting the car with the bat now.
Flat Doug:
Thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee!
Frank:
Yeah, he’s quoting Moby Dick.
Flat Doug:
From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!
Frank:
So, like I was saying, I’m a little busy right now. You’re going to have to handle Edgy Steve.
Frank watches while doug hits the car over and over again.
Frank:
You know, Doug, I hate to say it, but this seems to be working for you. Go ahead and lean into it.
Flat Doug:
I'll chase him round Good Hope, and round the Horn, and round the Norway Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up!
Verge climbs the steps of deidre’s porch and knocks on the front door.
Verge:
... Deidre? Deidre It’s Verge, I’m here to check on you... which is what people do when they live near other people... or something. Are you there?
Deidre throws the door open.
Deidre:
It’s you.
Verge:
Hi-
Deidre suddenly hugs Verge.
Verge:
OH-kay... hugging is fine... hello.
Deidre:
Your body’s so cool.
Verge:
Thanks?
Deidre:
I’m so glad you’re here.
Verge:
Sure. Me too... Deidre do you maybe want to put some pants on?
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
You’re half naked.
Deidre:
Oh... right... yeah... I’m just so hot, do I feel hot? I’m burning up, feel my head, give me your hand... feel... I’m burning up right?
Verge:
You’re very warm.
Deidre:
I don’t know what’s going on, I think I’m going to lay on the floor again.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre lays on the floor.
Deidre:
That’s better.
Verge:
... Okay, well, you seem to be doing fine-
Deidre:
Come in, please, come in. It’s so great that you’re here.
Verge:
Why is that?
Deidre:
I mean it’s also terrifying because, yaaaaaaa! It’s you! You know?
Verge:
I don’t.
Deidre:
Now I feel like I’m going to fall into the ceiling. Can you help me up?
Verge:
Sure.
Deidre:
...What are you doing here?
Verge:
I’m checking on you.
Deidre:
Oh... well that’s very nice of you.
Verge:
It’s no problem.
Deidre:
You’re a very nice person. You seem nice.
Verge:
Thank you.
Deidre:
Also, I mean, what the hell are you doing here?
Verge:
I just said.
Deidre:
No, like, what are you doing heeeeere. In town... You just kind of showed up. And I’m sitting here thinking “ whaaaat is happening?” Who is this person? They’re here in this place? Because you just... you seem so... I don’t know, I don’t know what the word is like you should live in Germany or something? And I can’t concentrate... I mean ever. I have a hard time concentrating ever and then the other day I realized I had been sitting there for five minutes with the water running in the sink just wondering what your deal was.
Verge:
I had no idea I was so distracting.
Deidre:
... Yeah, you did.
Verge:
... Okay maybe a little.
Deidre:
... You’ve got all these colors around you right now. They’re pink and yellow and blue, it’s really beautiful.
Verge:
...
Deidre:
...
Verge:
Deidre-
Deidre:
I think I need to lay on the floor again.
Verge:
Good idea.
Deidre lays back down.
Deidre:
... Apparently everyone in town is high right now.
Verge:
No.
Deidre:
Something in the water, I guess. You’re not though.
Verge:
I’m fine.
Deidre:
Why is that?
Verge:
I usually don’t trust the tap water in a new place.
Deidre:
Okay. Where are you from?
Verge:
Nowhere, really.
Deidre:
Oh please don’t do the mysterious stranger thing, I’m already so confused.
Verge:
I... my family was always moving around... and then after that so was I... hard to say I’m from somewhere.
Deidre:
Wait. Are you Romani? Is that what I’ve been picking up on?
Verge:
I don’t know what that is.
Deidre:
I need to find my phone.
Deidre gets up again.
Deidre:
... Am I hallucinating or is my house a wreck?
Verge:
You’re not hallucinating.
Deidre:
Okay. If I were my phone I would be where? Is it by the door?
Verge:
(To Eldin.) Where’s her phone?
Eldin:
(Whispering.) The windowsill.
Verge:
Here it is.
Deidre:
Great. Great great great I want to show you something... okay everything is spinning I need to show you something on the couch.
Verge:
Okay.
They sit on the couch.
Deidre:
I’ve got it saved, hang on, wow my phone looks so crazy right now... here it is.
We hear some drumming coming from deidre’s phone.
Deidre:
I was in Greece with my family... and there were these street musicians from Africa in this public square, see them?... I started recording them and after a while... There, see them? These three women come up and start dancing to the music... and then more join in... I thought it was so cool... They’re Romani, they’re nomadic, they roam all over Europe and the Middle East... You’re like them?
Verge:
A little. Sure.
Deidre:
... I showed this to my grandfather who is old and a little racist, and he said “Don’t ever go near those people. They can’t be trusted.” I don’t know why he’s like that.
Verge:
... You can trust me.
Deidre:
... I know that I can.
Verge:
...
Deidre:
... I really need to put my head in your lap.
Verge:
Okay.
She does.
Deidre:
This is better. Can you stoke my hair?
Verge:
... Like this.
Deidre:
Yes... that’s great... I feel like I’m going to fall asleep but I’m scared.
Verge:
Just pretend you already are.
Deidre:
... Is this a dream?... I don’t want it to be...
Verge:
... I don’t either...
We move to an empty glade of trees. Trinkett makes her way through the trees.
Trinkett:
Steve?... Steve are you out here?
Edgy Steve:
... Hey...
Trinkett:
There you are. Steve, how are you feeling?
Edgy Steve:
... Fine...
Trinkett:
Something got into the drinking water... I think that’s what were going with... so everyone’s going through a pretty strange time right now. How are you doing?
Edgy Steve:
I’ve been high since I was thirteen years old, Trinkett, it’s kind of just a Tuesday for me.
Trinkett:
Oh... okay...
Edgy Steve:
... You have a name for this place right?
Trinkett:
For this glade? Um, yes, I did. It’s a glade of wishes... I would come here and express things I wanted.
Edgy Steve:
Express them to who?
Trinkett:
To... you really want to talk about this right now, Steve?
Edgy Steve:
Yes.
Trinkett:
... The Triple Goddess and the Great Horned God.
Edgy Steve:
Who are they?
Trinkett:
They are embodiments of the duality of life. That’s the best way to put it, I guess.
Edgy Steve:
Are they real?
Trinkett:
... Steve, I don’t know what’s real anymore.
Edgy Steve:
... Is there really a comet heading for Earth?
Trinkett:
... I don’t know, Steve. Maybe.
Edgy Steve:
... I think, maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much of my life making sure skiers had enough weed and meth, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
... Maybe?
Edgy Steve:
It just kind of happened to me.
Trinkett:
I know the feeling.
Edgy Steve:
Do you ever feel that way? Like your life just kind of happened to you?
Trinkett:
I had to make a lot of conscious decisions to be who I am, Steve. A lot went into the making of Trinkett Coralee, I wasn’t born like this... Then again, my parents travelled with a Renaissance Faire nine months out of the year, so I guess it’s not much of a surprise that their daughter wound up being a witch at the top of a mountain.
Edgy Steve:
... I heard you were a goth in middle school.
Trinkett:
Yeah. Yeah I was.
Edgy Steve:
I bet you were pretty cool.
Trinkett:
Honestly, I was. Cheerleaders were scared of me, it was pretty fun... What were you in middle school?
Edgy Steve:
I never showed up for middle school. So I guess I was that kid that parents told their kids not to hang out with, I guess that was me. Cautionary tale... Trinkett, what if the world comes to an end and that’s all I ever did? I thought I’d have more time than this.
Trinkett:
Steve, I think if you’d spent your whole life being an ideal citizen, then right now you’d be saying “Damn, why didn’t I do more drugs?”
Edgy Steve:
(Laughing.) Yeah... Yeah, I guess.
Trinkett:
That’s the duality of life I was talking about. Always wishing for the other thing. People who kept it simple worry they were too lazy, people who achieve a lot worry they never took the time to slow down. Kind of a no-win situation.
Edgy Steve:
Are you happy with what you’ve done with your life?
Trinkett:
See... that’s the trap, Steve. “Am I happy with what I’ve done? With who I’ve become?” Implying you made mistakes along the path, that there was some right way or some wrong way... Those things are impossible to know. There’s a whole host of spirits out there. They can haunt your dreams and keep you awake at night, rattle the dishes in your cupboard... none of them are as terrifying as the ghost of the life we didn’t lead.
Edgy Steve:
... If those gods of yours were real, is that what they would say to be right now?
Trinkett:
I don’t know what they would say. But I know they put me in this glade with you right now. And I’m thankful for that... Have you eaten anything today?
Edgy Steve:
No, I forgot.
Trinkett:
Well, there’s about nineteen turkey sandwiches back at the Sheep’s Eye. How about we go and get you one?
Edgy Steve:
Okay.
Steve gets up.
Edgy Steve:
We’re in The Wishing Glade. Do you want to make a wish?
Trinkett:
No more wishes. I’ve got everything I need.
We move to the outskirts of town. June finally reaches the top of a hill.
June:
Aunt Hilda!... Aunt Hilda, come on out, I got you some groceries... Hilda, c’mon I climbed to the top of this godforsaken hill, let’s go... Fuck, you’re dead... Shit... Well, at least I don’t have to go grocery shopping.
June makes her way back down the hill. We move back to the sheep’s Eye at sunset. In the distance we can still hear Doug wailing away on the car.
Deidre:
Thanks for checking in on me.
Verge:
It was an experience.
Deidre:
I’ve embarrassed myself quite a few times in my life. I’m sure that’s not a surprise. This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me so it would be great if you could say something that makes it less so.
Verge:
... You have nice legs.
Deidre:
... That’s... Literally the opposite of what I just asked you to do.
Verge:
Sorry.
Deidre:
Verge.
Verge:
It’s no problem at all that you threw up for an hour.
Deidre:
Worse!
Verge:
I’m sorry... this is new for me.
Deidre:
What is?
Verge:
... Any of this.
Deidre:
You’ll get the hang of it.
People have begun to file into the Sheep’s Eye.
Frank:
Welcome back everyone. Hope you enjoyed your trip. Come on inside there’s turkey sandwiches for everyone.
June:
Hello.
Frank:
Oh, hello. How’s Aunt Hilda?
June:
Still dead. But I’m sure she’s flattered that I still think of her. Why is Doug beating a car to death with a baseball bat?
Frank:
I think the drugs have worn off and now he’s just getting it all out.
June:
Good for him. Give ‘em hell, Doug!... You know what’s crazy, I really want a turkey sandwich right now.
Frank:
Then you’ve come to the right place.
June:
Make way, you drug fiends!
Frank:
Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Hello.
Frank:
Looks like we all made it through unscathed.
Trinkett:
I’m glad. I found this one wandering in the woods.
Edgy Steve:
Frank. I’m a drug dealer.
Frank:
I know.
Edgy Steve:
And that’s okay.
Frank:
It’s not.
Edgy Steve:
I’ll see you inside.
Frank:
Okay.
Everyone heads inside. Verge hangs back and lights a cigarette.
Frank:
Coming?
Verge:
You didn’t hallucinate.
Frank:
I know.
Verge:
Why not?
Frank:
Neither did Trinkett.
Verge:
She took the drug though, right?
Frank:
Yes.
Verge:
And everyone got high except for the alien from outer space and you.
Frank:
I’m sure there were other people that weren’t effected.
Verge:
... Okay.
Frank:
Coming in?
Verge:
In a minute.
Frank:
Alright.
Frank heads inside.
Verge:
... I smell something funny with that one.
Eldin:
I’ve been smelling it much longer than you have.
Verge:
Really? Eldin, have you been holding out on me?
Eldin:
I had to do a deep search of several archives in two galaxies, it’s been taking me a while.
Verge:
What were you searching for?
Eldin:
Precedent.
Verge:
And?
Eldin:
Do you remember at the house full of mushrooms when I scanned his lungs for spores?
Verge:
Yes.
Eldin:
There weren’t any.
Verge:
Spores?
Eldin:
Verge. There weren’t any lungs.
Verge:
... My goodness.
Eldin:
I was searching for an explanation. I didn’t find one.
Verge:
... Let’s keep this between us for now.
Eldin:
Excellent idea.
Verge:
... I like it here.
The end.