MIDNIGHT BURGER

Interlude: How They Sleep at Night.

Sfx: outside the diner, the sound of space-time flying by.
Shel:
Hello?
Gloria:
Oh, hey. How are you feeling?
Shel:
Pretty weird. These lamps aren’t the same thing as the sun.
Gloria:
I know. But we’ll have to make do for a while.
Shel:
I know.
Gloria:
Also, if we show up somewhere and it’s night time, or if we’re not on a planet at all, you’re probably going to have to spend some time under the lamps. You’ll be okay. Leif and Ava did the math.
Shel:
Why does Ava have something on her face?
Ava:
It’s a night mask and that means we’re quiet.
Gloria:
She sleeps in her booth.
Ava:
I theoretically sleep in my booth. It requires much more silence.
Gloria:
Shel, we’re kind of on a learning curve here. We’re all human so we know what to expect from each other. Do you sleep?
Shel:
Yes. I was sleeping just now. I’m sure it’s different from whatever you all do. When I sleep I develop another layer of my body, is that what you do?
Gloria:
No, another layer?
Shel:
Yes. Is that weird?
Ava:
Like a tree?
Shel:
Yeah, sort of.
Gloria:
So, while you were asleep on that counter you got another layer of skin?
Shel:
Not skin exactly. There’s just more me here. I’m a small fraction taller now than I was when I went to sleep.
Gloria:
That’s interesting.
Ava:
Oh, that reminds me. Shel, come here.
Shel:
What’s up?
Ava:
What does that say?
Shel:
“What is life? By Erwin Schrödinger.”
Ava:
Huh. So you absorb written and verbal language.
Shel:
I guess so. What is this?
Ava:
A book. You should read it.
Shel:
Okay. What’s it made of?
Ava:
Don’t ask.
Gloria:
Shel let me show you everything, you my be here a while. There’s a truck stop shower in the bathroom, do you shower?
Shel:
Like, with water falling on you?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Shel:
It sounds nice, but there’s a new layer of me every day, so.
Gloria:
That’s actually super convenient.
Shel:
Maybe I will sometimes though, just for fun. To feel like I’m outside.
Gloria:
Yeah, okay.
Shel:
So Ava, you sleep here?
Ava:
Yes, and no one else ever.
Shel:
And where… where do the box people sleep?
Gloria:
Oh Effie and Zebulon are already asleep. They sleep in their bed.
Shel:
They sleep in…
Gloria:
Come out back.
Sfx: Back door opening.
Shel:
Uh… okay…
Sfx: the flow of space time grows louder. Back door closing.
Gloria:
So this is the back. There’s the dumpster where we throw the garbage, don’t ask me where it goes. And up here…
Sfx: rattling of a ladder.
Gloria:
…Is where Leif sleeps. Come say hi.
Shel:
Up there?
Gloria:
Yeah, come on.
Shel:
Gloria…
Gloria:
Yeah… I hear you. Watching the stars whip past you when you’re used to them sitting still is pretty weird. But, I used to get motion sickness in the car and I got used to this. So you’ll be fine. Come on.
Sfx: climbing ladder.
Shel:
Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.
Gloria:
Hey, Leif.
Leif:
Hey. Oh, hey Shel, how’re you doing?
Shel:
That depends, do I have to let go of this ladder?
Gloria:
Yes.
Shel:
Okay. Feeling not great.
Leif:
Here, have a seat.
Sfx: folding chair.
Shel:
Thanks.
Gloria:
I’m showing Shel where everyone sleeps.
Leif:
Well, this is it. Welcome to Chez Leif. I sleep in that hammock over there. That’s my work bench and you are currently sitting in the living room.
Shel:
It’s nice. And also terrifying.
Gloria:
What are you working on, Leif?
Leif:
Ava wants to try an detect gravity waves for some reason so I’m trying to make a laser interferometer the size of a shoe box.
Gloria:
How big are they usually?
Leif:
The size of an observatory.
Shel:
Leif, I don’t understand. How can you possibly sleep under all this? It’s not terrifying?
Leif:
Oh, no. No way. I spent most of my life out here. It’s funny, any given universe, no matter how much is in it, it’s still mostly nothing. Light-years and light-years of nothing and yet for me? Feels like home.
Gloria:
So, Shel, Leif is a good person to talk to if you need some kind of thing.
Shel:
A thing?
Gloria:
Yeah. If you find yourself saying “you know what would be great, a thing that does this.” Then you should talk to Leif. Like this laser thermometer he’s making for Ava.
Leif:
I’m a thing maker.
Shel:
Nutrients.
Leif:
Come again?
Shel:
Nutrients. Just like there may not be a sun wherever we end up, the ground may be… whatever this stuff is that you guys walk on.
Leif:
Right. Because you don’t eat.
Shel:
I’m still not exactly clear on what eating is, but I’m starting to get a sense of it and I have to say, real disturbing, guys.
Leif:
I hear you. If I didn’t know what eating was and I saw someone eating I would be like “Dude, what are you doing with your face?”
Shel:
Exactly, thank you.
Leif:
So how do you absorb nutrients?
Shel:
My feet.
Leif:
Crazy. So you’re kind of plant adjacent.
Shel:
Sure.
Leif:
Cool cool cool cool. You know what, let’s not over complicate it: socks.
Gloria:
Socks?
Leif:
Yeah. I’ll whip up a batch of liquid fertilizer, you soak the socks in the liquid, then wear them at night. Boom.
Shel:
So, they’re things I wear on my feet?
Leif:
Yes. I’m assuming you need the usual stuff. Phosphorus, nitrogen, potassium?
Shel:
If that works for a plant that you know, it’ll probably work for me.
Leif:
Excellent. Now we just need a catchy name. Footilizer?
Gloria:
We can work on the name later, Leif.
Leif:
Sure.
Gloria:
We can go back down now, Shel.
Shel:
Oh good. Thank you.
Sfx: climbing down ladder.
Leif:
Hey Gloria, can we talk for a minute?
Gloria:
About what?
Leif:
About the fact that you want to go to war with The Teds?
Gloria:
Oh, that. No, we can’t.
Leif:
Gloria.
Gloria:
Remember how you said you had a problem dipping your toe in the water and never fully committing to something?
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
I don’t have that problem. Get some sleep, Leif. Big day tomorrow.
Sfx: climbing down ladder.
Shel:
I’m never going to have to sleep up there, am I?
Gloria:
No, you’re fine.
Shel:
Great.
Sfx: back door opening.
Gloria :
Come this way, I’ll show you where to find me if it’s late. This is the kitchen.
Shel:
Did something just move?
Gloria:
It’s the Parmesan, don’t worry about it.
Sfx: door opening.
Gloria:
This is where I sleep.
Shel:
It’s tiny but, I like it.
Gloria:
I figure this was probably the managers room. You’d use it for bookkeeping and stuff. But when you don’t charge for the food, nobody gets paid, and you don’t have to deal with vendors, there’s not much to do so they put a bed in here. It used to be Caspar’s then he gave it to me.
Shel:
Where did he sleep?
Gloria:
Behind the counter. Though he never really slept much.
Shel:
What’s all this stuff?
Gloria:
I’m a bit of a souvenir person. This is something called a buffalo nickel from 1934, this is a feather from a prehistoric turkey. This here is called a Thegroni Mourning Braid. This is a picture of all of us. This was on a planet called Neeso, apparently booze cruises exist on other planets.
Shel:
So that’s Caspar?
Gloria:
Yeah, that’s him.
Shel:
And who was he?
Gloria:
He hired me. He’s gone now. God knows where.
Shel:
And what’s that a picture of?
Gloria:
Oh, that’s Caesar. He’s my old sous-chef, that’s kind of like family. Those are his one-million kids. They kind of adopted me as their weird aunt.
Shel:
I bet they miss you.
Gloria:
Well, it depends. By the time I make it back to Earth it may be five minutes before I left. Then they wouldn’t miss me at all.
Shel:
I don’t understand.
Gloria:
Never mind. Long story. Anyway, if you ever need me at night, here’s where I’ll be.
Shel:
Okay. I think I need to get back under those lights.
Gloria:
Good idea.
Shel:
Thank you for all this. I’m still really scared but… I’m not alone anymore and that’s certainly an improvement.
Gloria:
I agree.
Shel:
Good night.
Gloria:
Night.
Shel:
Hey… I get really big.
Gloria:
You do?
Shel:
Yeah. That extra layer I add every night, it just keeps happening.
Gloria:
Uh, how fast does it happen?
Shel:
Really slowly. Don’t worry.
Gloria:
Ok. How big do you get?
Shel:
About ten times the size I am now.
Gloria:
Wow. Okay.
Shel:
I heard Leif calling me an “Ent” but I don’t know what that means.
Gloria:
Oh, God.
Shel:
Anyway, I just wanted to say… maybe I can protect you from something someday.
Gloria:
Sure. That sounds great. We could use some muscle around here. All we’ve got is brains.
Shel:
Okay. Goodnight, Gloria.
Gloria:
Goodnight.
Sfx: door closing.
Ava:
Can everyone stop moving around, please?
Shel:
Sorry… Leif’s making me socks.
Ava:
What a guy.
Shel:
…
Ava:
…
Shel:
Reading is interesting.
Ava:
Isn’t it?
Shel:
Do you have any more of it?
Ava:
…Yes.
Shel:
Could I-
Ava:
Here. Read this out load to me. Bertrand Russell alway puts me to sleep.
Shel:
Okay. Start at the first thing?
Ava:
Yes. The first thing.
Shel:
Okay, um… Metaphysics, or the attempt to conceive the world as a whole by means of thought, has been developed, from the first, by the union and conflict of two very different human impulses, the one urging men towards mysticism, the other urging them towards science. Some men have achieved greatness through one of these impulses alone, others through the other alone: in Hume, for example, the scientific impulse reigns quite unchecked, while in Blake a strong hostility to science co-exists with profound mystic insight. But the greatest men who have been philosophers have felt the need both of science and of mysticism: the attempt to harmonize the two was what made their life, and what always must, for all its arduous uncertainty, make philosophy, to some minds, a greater thing than either science or religion.
End.