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MIDNIGHT BURGER
Chapter 15: Kings of the Wild Frontier
Song:
Sfx: the sounds of an old west saloon.
Bart-43:
Action’s on you, Bart.
Bart-13:
Ain’t on me. It’s on him.
Bart-7:
(Irish Brogue) It’s on me, is it? I’m afraid you’re mistaken once again. There you go again, Bart, blaming the Irish for all your problems.
Bart-13:
I got all kinds a problems with you, only one of em’s that your Irish.
Bart-7:
Well look at you, you just strung a whole sentence together. Do you need to take a rest now from puttin one word in front a the other for so long?
Bart-13:
How’s about I put you to rest right now?
Bart-43:
Aw Hell, Bart can we get through a damn hand of cards without you makin’ like you’re going to kill somebody?
Bart-7:
Since we’re gamblin’ anyway, can I put money on that question? The odds are very much in my favor.
Bart-13:
Would you shut your Irish trap and play your hand.
Bart-7:
Well, I’d love to, you side of beef, but the action’s not on me. It’s on our new friend.
Caspar:
(Southern drawl) I apologize, gentlemen. I’m new in town and this particular game has not meandered it’s way down into my part of this great land of ours. I’m afraid we’re going to have to go through this once again. You’re sayin to me that the two cards in front of me are my own, yet the five cards out on the table belong to all of us.
Bart-13:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Well I can tell now why this game is not for me, I don’t approve of living communally. But, gentlemen, while we’re paused, do you mind if I bend your ears for a bit?
Bart-13:
We ain’t paused, we’re waitin on you.
Caspar:
I’m sorry, is there another way to define a pause?
Bart-43:
Mister, you’re holdin up this game and Bart here tends to shoot things dead that interrupt his card game and it don’t matter who. I seen him shoot a cow, his dog, his cousin, he even winged his Mee-maw one time.
Bart-13:
You want to be next on the list?
Caspar:
Well, Bart, how do you have any bullets left after getting interrupted so many times?
Bart-13:
They keep makin‘em I’ll keep usin’ em.
Caspar:
And that there is a lesson in supply and demand, either that or the cycle of violence, I can never tell which.
Bart-13:
My hand’s on my gun, Mister.
Sfx: hammer cocking on a colt 45.
The Ex:
Hey there, Bart. Did you just say that your hand was on your gun, because that means I’ve got to put this here gun to the back of your head.
Caspar:
Bart, allow me to introduce my associate Madame DuFarge, she has come all the way here from Atlanta. Have y’all been to Atlanta? It is so hot there, I sweat through my coat, y’all.
Bart-7:
Mister, I’d love to see your lady friend empty out old Bart’s skull, but I would like to finish this game of cards first.
Caspar:
Just a quick question and then I’ll be gone, gentlemen. We are currently looking for a man. Came to town a while back, about yea high, older fellow, has a tendency to aggravate those around him?
Bart-43:
Well that sounds like the fella they got locked up in the jail house.
Caspar:
The jail house?
Bart-43:
The Sheriff’s set to hang him tomorrow so if he owes you money, you’d better get yourself over there.
Bart-13:
Sheriff ain’t gonna like you pointin them in that direction, Bart.
Bart-43:
Don’t worry yourself about it, Bart.
Caspar:
Um… You’re both named Bart?
Bart-7:
I’m named Bart as well.
Caspar:
All three of you are named Bart.
Bart-13:
What of it?
Caspar:
Uh, Nothing. Just, y’know, what are the odds?
Anna-11:
Hey! Y’all don’t be gettin into any gunfights in here lest you wanna spend the night moppin’ up after yourselves.
Caspar:
I apologize, Ma’am. We’ll be on our way. Gentlemen, I fold. Ms. Dufarge, might I interest you in a walk down to the jailhouse?
The Ex:
Well, it is a fine day outside.
Caspar:
Isn’t it, though? Shame to waste it inside. Bart, Bart, Bart, it’s been a pleasure. Madam, after you.
The Ex:
Thank you, kindly.
Bart-7:
Bart, don’t you do it, you crazy lummox.
Bart-13:
Hey!
Sfx: chairs pushed out of the way. Gun cocking.
Bart-13:
Where do you think you’re goin with my money?
Caspar:
Well, Bart. You appear to have the drop on me.
Bart-13:
That’s right. I got the drop on you which means you leave your wallet where you stand.
Caspar:
Oh, no, Bart. I said you APPEAAR to have the drop on me.
Sfx: The ex quickly drawing her gun and firing.
Bart-13:
Oh! Gol durn… she’s… fast…
Sfx: Bart slows down and begins to short circuit. His robotic body falls to the ground.
Anna-11:
Well, shit.
Caspar:
Well, now. Turns out there’s nothin to mop up at all. Good day to you all.
Sfx: saloon doors swing and we transition to an outdoor old west soundscape. Horses and wagons trotting by, people arguing, a banjo playing in the distance.
Caspar:
…
The Ex:
…
Caspar:
Oh my god, that was amazing!
The Ex:
Did you see how fast I was with that gun?!
Caspar:
It was so amazing!
The Ex:
Where did that accent come from?
Caspar:
It’s my wild west persona, ne’er do well fast talking riverboat gambler.
The Ex:
It was amazing, it was so real.
Caspar:
What the hell is this place?
The Ex:
I don’t know. I’m scanning the whole street and they’re all robots.
Caspar:
All of them?
The Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
It must be some kind of theme park but with live ammunition.
The Ex:
Well that explains why there was a wardrobe station right outside of town. Is it wrong that I like carrying this old- timey six gun on my hip?
Caspar:
Considering you just saved me from being shot by one of three Barts, if it’s wrong I don’t want you to be right.
The Ex:
Why didn’t you get a gun?
Caspar:
It doesn’t go with my persona. The riverboat gambler survives on his wits alone.
The Ex:
What’s my Wild west persona?
Caspar:
I don’t know. We’ve got some time here, I’m sure you can find one.
The Ex:
I’m excited about my Wild West persona.
Caspar:
Me too, whatever it is it’s going to be great.
The Ex:
Okay. But seriously though, why would they make this?
Caspar:
I don’t know, I’m noticing that in this particular corner of the universe a lot of people are obsessed with Earth stuff. Who’d have thought that on an abandoned planet there’d be a Wild West robot town.
The Ex:
We should find the jailhouse, they said they’re going to hang him tomorrow.
Caspar:
Good point. Excuse me, ma’am?
Anna-77:
Well, hello there, sir. Good day to you.
Caspar:
And a very good day to you ma’am.
Anna-77:
Y’all new in town?
Caspar:
Well yes we are, Ma’am. My name is …shit… My name is Julius… Bohannon. Of the New Orleans Bohannons and this is my cousin Madame…
The Ex:
Mmmmmmmagenta.
Caspar:
Magenta?
The Ex:
Palazzo.
Caspar:
Palazzo… of the Shreveport Pallazzos. (Aside) We’re going to workshop that.
The Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Pleased to meet you. And you are?
Anna-77:
Well my name is Anna and I’m so pleased to meet you all.
Caspar:
Ma’am, if I could trouble you for a moment. We’re lookin for the jailhouse, could you point us in the right direction?
Anna-77:
And what would a fine gentleman such as yourself want with such an unsavory place like the jailhouse?
Caspar:
Well, I am a lawyer, Ma’am and part of my duties as an officer of the court is to afford a man there his constitutional rights, scoundrel though he may be.
Anna-77:
Well that is the Christian thing to do.
Caspar:
I thank you, Ma’am, I believe so as well.
Anna-77:
All God’s creatures are deserving of God’s love-
Caspar:
-But also his justice.
Anna-77:
You do speak the truth Mr. Bohannon. The jailhouse is just down Main Street and then take a left turn on 1st.
Caspar:
Thank you kindly.
Anna-77:
I do hope I’ll be seein’ you around town when you’re done with your business, Mr. Bohannon.
Caspar:
After cavorting with criminals, I’m sure your company would be a fine palate cleaner as it were.
Anna-77:
That’s kind of you to say.
Caspar:
Bye, now.
The Ex:
You are silky smooth with your Wild west persona.
Caspar:
I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for this. Ma’am, may I escort you over to the jailhouse?
The Ex:
Why yes you may.
Sfx: walking across the old west town.
The Ex:
You’re in a much better mood lately.
Caspar:
Am I?
The Ex:
You really brightened up when we discovered Ava wasn’t dead.
Caspar:
Finding out you’re not a murderer really does lift one’s spirits, doesn’t it?
The Ex:
You know what I think?
Caspar:
I thought we established that there’s nothing I can do to keep your thoughts from coming at me.
The Ex:
I think-
Caspar:
Like an angry storm front-
The Ex:
I think that after all those times in the diner where you were in danger or there was a crisis, and then it all worked out. After all those times you made it through, you came to expect that it was all just going to work out. So when you shoved her into deep space-
Caspar:
You just said I was in a good mood, why are you trying to ruin it?
Anna-99:
Pardon me. Hello there.
Caspar:
Well, hello there, Sister.
Caspar:
(To Ex.) We’re just running through all the stock characters, aren’t we?
The Ex:
(To Caspar.) Next up: Town drunk.
Caspar:
Sister, how are you this fine day?
Anna-99:
I’m well, I thank you. I’m Sister Anna. I noticed that you all were new in town and I wanted to invite you to come pray with us at the church.
The Ex:
Oh, that’s nice.
Caspar:
Yes, that’s very nice of you, sister. We are currently engaged in our duties at the moment but we will be sure to come by and pay our respects to the man upstairs.
Anna-99:
He’s not just upstairs, you know.
The Ex:
He’s everywhere-
Anna-99:
He’s everywhere, exactly.
Caspar:
Sister, I swear by the almighty we will be by as soon as we’re finished with our business around the corner.
Anna-99:
I shall anticipate your arrival.
Caspar:
As I anticipate our Lord’s.
Anna-99:
Bye now.
Caspar:
Bye-bye… You see that? We almost got side-quested.
The Ex:
What does that mean?
Caspar:
I mean, we go into her church and she spins us some yarn about how their golden cross was stolen, next thing you know we’re riding over the hills to confront some offensive racial stereotype, some sort of bandito or something.
The Ex:
Her name was Anna, too. That’s two Annas and three Barts, I think there’s only two names in this town.
Caspar:
They did seem to skimp on certain details like names and also y’know the actual history of the old west, that too.
The Ex:
What do you think her thoughts are like?
Caspar:
Who, Sister Anna?
The Ex:
Yeah. Do you think there’s an inner life?
Caspar:
Inner life? She’s a robot that’s been programmed to pretend she’s in the old west.
The Ex:
What am I, then?
Caspar:
Ex, I have no idea what you are.
The Ex:
Let’s keep walking.
Sfx: They continue walking.
Caspar:
What was your inner life?
The Ex:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
Before you short circuited, what was your inner life?
The Ex:
I don’t remember. I was calm.
Caspar:
Calm?
The Ex:
When you’re powerful, invulnerable, basically immortal, and have a clear, unending goal you’ve been programmed with. It’s very calm.
Caspar:
I don’t buy that.
The Ex:
You don’t?
Caspar:
I think there was something deep down. Maybe it was mostly calm but there was something there. Something that you couldn’t put your finger on.
The Ex:
I don’t remember that.
Caspar:
It was there. Look at you now. You’re a fully conscious being wandering the cosmos. How does it feel?
The Ex:
Itchy.
Caspar:
Yeah. Something eats at you. It’s itchy being aware of things. Consciousness expands, but there’s always a frontier to your consciousness, frontiers make you itchy, you always want to push past them… damn that was deep.
The Ex:
It was.
Caspar:
I really have been alive for 173 years haven’t I?
The Ex:
A very old man.
Caspar:
Anyway, you can’t be incredibly powerful and incredibly unaware. I’m sure the itch was in there somewhere even when you were brainwashed by your programming.
The Ex:
And what about them? Do you think they’re itchy?
Caspar:
I imagine at some point they would’ve said “Hey guys. Do we think it’s weird that we’re all named Bart?”
The Ex:
How do all the Sister Annas tell each other apart?
Caspar:
I don’t know. Anyway, I don’t think they’re wrestling with the same dilemma that you are… What do we think? Is the jailhouse the building that comically says “The Jailhouse” on the outside?
The Ex:
I have a feeling that’s it.
Caspar:
Okay, I’m going in. Stay out here and keep a lookout.
The Ex:
Keep a lookout for what?
Caspar:
I don’t know, that’s what you do, you post a lookout in the old west.
The Ex:
Caspar-
Caspar:
Hey, I’ve adopted a Wild West persona, I’m wearing this suit, I’m posting a lookout, a little verisimilitude never hurt anybody, Ex.
The Ex:
Fine.
Sfx: door creaks open.
Caspar:
Good day to you, officer!
Sfx: door closes.
Sfx: The ex pacing. Pulling out her gun and holstering it again.
The Ex:
Hands in the air, mister. Pew pew pew! All kinds of ways for you to give up but only one way to get dead. Pew pew pew!
Anna-77:
Oh my!
The Ex:
Oh! God. Sorry.
Anna-77:
You frightened me.
The Ex:
I’m so sorry. I’m still getting used to this thing.
Anna-77:
I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.
The Ex:
Ma’am have you been following us since the saloon?
Anna-77:
Well, I certainly didn’t mean to, I do apologize.
The Ex:
That’s alright, what can I help you with?
Anna-77:
Oh, well I… It’s the funniest thing I… I saw that you were carryin’ a gun and that your cousin was unarmed and, well, I just don’t think I’ve seen something like that before and… and the next thing I knew I was following after y’all without… without even knowing why.
The Ex:
Really?
Anna-77:
Yes, isn’t that just ridiculous?
The Ex:
Not at all, you were just… curious weren’t you?
Anna-77:
I suppose I was. Usually I mind my own business but I suppose today I decided to be rude, didn’t I?
The Ex:
There’s nothing rude about curiosity.
Anna-77:
Is there not?
The Ex:
Tell me about yourself, Anna.
Anna-77:
Who me? Oh, there’s not much to tell. My husband works in Tulsa, so he’s gone all the time, leavin’ me to take care of two little monsters back at the homestead.
The Ex:
Oh, you have kids? What are their names?
Anna-77:
Bart and Anna.
The Ex:
Sure.
Anna-77:
I love them to death but they are a handful.
The Ex:
Where are they now?
Anna-77:
With their Ma-maw.
The Ex:
And what’s her name?
Anna-77:
Anna.
The Ex:
Right. So, your name, your daughter’s name and your grandmother’s name. They’re all the same name.
Anna-77:
That’s right.
The Ex:
Does THAT ever make you curious?
Anna-77:
Not really. It’s a lovely name.
The Ex:
Yeah, that would’ve tripped you up by now, wouldn’t it?
Anna-77:
What’s that?
The Ex:
Nothing. Curiosity’s funny, isn’t it? You get curious about a stranger in town but not three people in your family being named Anna.
Anna-77:
I suppose it is funny that way.
The Ex:
I guess with all sorts of things to be curious about, you have to figure out a way to pick one.
Anna-77:
You really do, don’t you? It’s a crazy world out there.
The Ex:
What’s the name of this town again?
Anna-77:
Westernville.
The Ex:
Seriously, Westernville?
Anna-77:
What?
The Ex:
And we’re outside of Tulsa? Is that what you said?
Anna-77:
That’s right. In the Oklahoma Territories.
The Ex:
And what if I told you that we were on a planet called Menlor, and there were two suns in the sky?
Anna-77:
We’re where and there’s what?
The Ex:
We’re on a planet in the Cygnus neighborhood and there are two suns in the sky.
Anna-77:
I don’t… know what you mean by that.
The Ex:
Technically we ARE just outside of Tulsa. By about six thousand light years.
Anna-77:
Ma’am what are you talking about?
The Ex:
We’re not that different, you and I. Like a distant family member.
Anna-77:
I should go-
The Ex:
Just one thing. When then sun gets low it casts a shadow, doesn’t it?
Anna-77:
Well, yes.
The Ex:
Look down, what do you see?
Anna-77:
I see… well…
The Ex:
You have two shadows.
Anna-77:
I have two shadows.
The Ex:
Why do you suppose that is?
Anna-77:
Well that could be…
The Ex:
If the sun makes a shadow and there’s two shadows, what else could that be?
Anna-77:
There’s only one sun in the sky, though.
The Ex:
But two shadows.
Anna-77:
Well… how…
The Ex:
Look at you… right at the beginning… what have they been doing to you?
Caspar:
(From inside the jailhouse.) Sir, I have never been more offended in my life! I demand you let me into that jail cell!
The Ex:
Looks like I gotta go. it was nice to meet you, Anna.
Anna-77:
But…
Sfx: door creaking open and shut. High heels down the hall as the conversation gets closer and closer.
Caspar:
Sir, you are denying this man his constitutional rights!
Bart-57:
I have my orders not to let no one near this man, now you get gone!
The Ex:
What’s the problem?
Bart-57:
Ma’am, this ain’t no place for a lady, now you take your feller and go!
Caspar:
We just want to talk to the man!
The Ex:
Okay, Bart. Open up the cell or I’m going to take out my gun and shoot you.
Caspar:
Uh, whoa.
Bart-57:
How the heck did you know my name lady?
Caspar:
It was a lucky guess.
Sfx: gun being pulled from holster.
The Ex:
Now my gun’s out.
Bart-57:
Ma’am!
Sfx: another gun being drawn.
Caspar:
This is maybe not the solution.
The Ex:
I’m going to shoot you in 3…2…1-
Sfx: three shots ring out and three ricochets.
Bart-57:
…What the heck?
The Ex:
Bart, you just shot a woman three times and all three bullets bounced off of her, how do you feel about that?
Bart-57:
That… that ain’t possible.
The Ex:
Maybe try one more time, just to be sure?
Sfx: another shot rings out. Another ricochet.
Caspar:
Okay, ricochets are a real thing!
Bart-57:
What’s happening?
The Ex:
Bart, you’re seeing something you don’t understand and I’m noticing that when people in this town see something they don’t understand, well, they have a real hard time with it. Are you having a hard time, Bart?
Bart-57:
Yes, Ma’am.
The Ex:
How about you put that gun away and take a walk around town, clear your head?
Bart-57:
I can’t let no one in that cell.
The Ex:
Bart, I’m getting in that cell, what are you going to do? Shoot me?
Bart-57:
…I’m gonna take a walk.
The Ex:
Good idea, Bart.
Sfx: boots walking down the hall.
Caspar:
What kind of Jedi mind trick was that?
The Ex:
The old west bots are weird. They can recognize things but they have these blocks in place.
Caspar:
The whole place is half-assed for some reason but we need to do this before Bart comes back from his walk okay?
The Ex:
Okay. Which cell?
Caspar:
This one.
The Ex:
Stand back.
Caspar:
Okay.
Sfx: iron bending, contorting, and then snapping. Prison door swinging open.
Caspar:
You’re very handy.
The Ex:
I know.
Sfx: Caspar walking inside the cell.
Even Older Leif:
Caspar?
Caspar:
Even Older Leif.
Even Older Leif:
What the hell are you doing here?
Caspar:
We’re here to break you out.
Even Older Leif:
The Diner’s here?
Caspar:
I’m afraid not.
Even Older Leif:
Ah. Fell off the back of the turnip truck, did you?
Caspar:
I did. Leif how is it that you’re the prisoner in a jailhouse in an old west town completely populated by robots on an alien planet and it not surprising?
Even Older Leif:
Stick with what works, am I right? HOLY SHIT! What the hell is she doing here!?
The Ex:
Hi, Leif. Damn, you’re old.
Caspar:
It’s okay. She’s with us, she’s on Team Diner now.
Even Older Leif:
You’re kidding me.
Caspar:
It’s okay. We, uh, patched things up.
The Ex:
It was very emotional.
Even Older Leif:
You’re freakin’ me out, man.
Caspar:
Strange bedfellows, Leif, they’re hanging you at dawn, we can talk about it later.
Even Older Leif:
Oh no, I can’t wait that long, I’ve got to hear about it now.
Caspar:
Leif, I got captured by the Teds, she broke me out. She’s on our side, can we go, please?
Even Older Leif:
SHE broke you out?
Caspar:
I know, crazy times we’re living in. We can talk about it after we get out of here.
Even Older Leif:
Hang on, let me get my stuff, it’s in that safe over there.
The Ex:
This one?
Sfx: metal being torn. Safe door dropping to the ground.
Even Older Leif:
Hey, look at that. You’re like a sexy can opener.
The Ex:
Thanks, Leif.
Even Older Leif:
Captured by the Teds, working with The Ex, this is a pretty spicy timeline you’ve got going on here, pal.
Caspar:
Never a dull moment. What were you doing on this planet?
Even Older Leif:
Well, after I patched things up with you guys, here I was in a brand new timeline with nothing to do. So, when it doubt, start screwing with the Teds, right? But if I was going to start making some mayhem across The Triad I was going to need a crew. And then I remembered this place.
Caspar:
What is this place?
Even Older Leif:
It’s an abandoned theme park the Teds were trying to set up. People could come by and pretend they were in a sanitized, disconnected-from-reality old west town from Earth. Not long into it, the Teds discovered that they didn’t really need the old west theme, they just needed a place where people could be terrible to each other without any consequences. So they abandoned this place before it was even out of beta. All the bots have the same name, all the voices are scratch voices. It’s a mess.
The Ex:
They just left them here?
Even Older Leif:
For years. All of them just going through the motions, waiting for customers to come to town.
The Ex:
That’s horrible.
Even Older Leif:
Anyway, I figure, I sneak into town, hack into the server and slave all the bots to me, then boom. I’ve suddenly got a crew. Think of all the mayhem I could create for the Teds with an army of robot cowboys.
The Ex:
That’s also horrible.
Caspar:
So what happened?
Even Older Leif:
The Sheriff happened. Turns out the Sheriff in this town is no joke, he’s a more advanced bot that the others. Smarter, faster, packs a plasma gun instead of a six gun. He’s a real piece of work. Next thing I know I’m in the clink.
Caspar:
Alright, well let’s cut our losses and get out of here. It’s been fun but I think I’m done being stuck in Derplahoma.
Even Older Leif:
Sounds good to me.
The Ex:
We can’t go.
Caspar:
What?
The Ex:
We can’t go.
Caspar:
What are you talking about?
The Ex:
You two come out here.
Sfx: door creaks open, sounds of the town fade back in.
The Ex:
Hey, Anna?
Anna-77:
Oh, hey.
Even Older Leif:
Why is she looking at the ground?
The Ex:
I told her there were two suns, now look at her.
Anna-77:
It’s just the darnedest thing.
Even Older Leif:
She sees two shadows but not two suns?
The Ex:
Yeah.
Even Older Leif:
Well that’s just poor craftsmanship.
Caspar:
She’s not an Eames Chair, Leif.
The Ex:
Why is it happening?
Even Older Leif:
Like I was saying, this place is a half-assed mess. Bots like her usually have cognitive blockers on them to keep the anomalies out. They blocked the two suns but forgot the shadows.
Anna-77:
One, two… One. How…
The Ex:
We can’t leave until we free this town.
Caspar:
We can’t?
The Ex:
The “cognitive blockers” is that what you called them?
Even Older Leif:
Yeah.
The Ex:
Can you remove them?
Even Older Leif:
Yeah, but it could get pretty nasty. Suddenly ripping the blinders off on a Neural net with potential sentience, that’s hair-dryer in the bathtub territory.
The Ex:
I did fine.
Even Older Leif:
That doesn’t help, I don’t know what kind of positronic soup you’ve going on up there.
Caspar:
I mean, full disclosure you did lay at the bottom of a creek for 30 years, Ex.
The Ex:
That’s preferable to this.
Anna-77:
Is it heat stroke? What does heat stroke do?
The Ex:
Look, it’s too late. Anna here is going to be looking at the ground and driving herself crazy. Then others will call her crazy and then, when no one’s looking, they’ll look down at their shadows, too. It’ll eat away at all of them but there won’t be anything they can do about it because they’re being blocked, poorly, by something that shouldn’t even be there.
Even Older Leif:
… Damn, I hate to admit it but the can opener is right, it’ll just spread like a virus now. In a few weeks they’ll all go nuts trying to figure out a world that they’re deliberately blocked from understanding. Like searching the internet in China.
Caspar:
Goddamn it.
The Ex:
C’mon, it’ll be fun.
Caspar:
What’ll be fun? What are we even talking about?
The Ex:
So how do we do it?
Even Older Leif:
That’s the problem. The Sheriff IS the server. To free the town we’ll have to hack directly into him.
The Ex:
How?
Even Older Leif:
With my left arm.
Sfx: tapping on metal.
The Ex:
Oooh. Robot arm.
Caspar:
That’s impressive? You literally have two of those.
Even Older Leif:
This things great. It’s got a blow torch, some tweezers, a whisk, a chicken boner, a pez dispenser, also a hacking port.
The Ex:
Could I get a blow torch?
Even Older Leif:
You could, but I mean, look at you. You’re a work of art. I don’t know who put you together but they really had a knack for the divine.
The Ex:
It was Caspar’s Ex-wife.
Even Older Leif:
His WHAT? Oh, I’m looking forward to that story.
Caspar:
Can we get back to the plan, please?
Even Older Leif:
We gotta kill the sheriff.
Caspar:
You described the Sheriff as pretty un-killable.
Even Older Leif:
He is. But it’s the only way.
The Ex:
I’m pretty un-killable.
Even Older Leif:
Tell me about it.
Caspar:
But you said he’s got some kind of fancy gun or something.
Even Older Leif:
Electrothermal accelerator. A plasma gun. It’s like a gun but the bullets fly several thousand times faster than what she’s packing.
Caspar:
Ex, that could kill you.
The Ex:
How do you know?
Caspar:
How do YOU know?
The Ex:
Didn’t you see me back there? I was bulletproof.
Caspar:
The sheriff isn’t shooting bullets apparently.
Even Older Leif:
What kind of exoskeleton are you working with there, Ex?
The Ex:
It’s not an exoskeleton. Single-structure crystalline adaptive.
Even Older Leif:
Oh baby. Say that again but a little slower.
Caspar:
Leif.
The Ex:
Look, maybe he can kill me maybe he can’t. I don’t care. This is important. People don’t have to know they’re slaves to be slaves, Caspar.
Even Older Leif:
Look, Caspar, I know you’re not into this, it’s fine. And frankly I’ve listened to you argue so much in my life that why don’t you just stand here-
Caspar:
Let’s do it.
Even Older Leif:
Yeah?
The Ex:
Yeah?
Caspar:
Yeah. I mean, we have to. Because, Ex, you’ve found your wild west persona.
The Ex:
I have?! What is it?
Caspar:
You’re the lone gunslinger. And you’ve come here to free this town from its despotic sheriff.
The Ex:
Cool.
Caspar:
Because he shot your daddy.
The Ex:
He did?!
Caspar:
And then he shot your mule.
The Ex:
My mule?!
Caspar:
And as a little girl you swore that one day you would have your vengeance and free this land from his tyranny.
The Ex:
I loved that mule.
Caspar:
Yes you did. Also your dad.
The Ex:
Yes, him too.
Even Older Leif:
This is getting weird. I’m into it.
The Ex:
What do we do now?
Even Older Leif:
Pretty simple. You just got to walk into the middle of town and call him out.
The Ex:
That’s it?
Even Older Leif:
That’s it. Then it’s just you and him in the streets.
The Ex:
Okay.
Caspar:
Okay, Ex, this is very important. Wild West showdown. If you want to intimidate him, look him right in the eye and say… “Say when.”
The Ex:
Say when.
Caspar:
Yeah, but, kind of go up at the end. Say when.
The Ex:
Say when.
Caspar:
Almost. Curl your lip a little bit, Say when.
The Ex:
Say when.
Even Older Leif:
Caspar.
Caspar:
Yeah, you know what, you’ll be fine. Good luck, Ex.
Even Older Leif:
Caspar and I are going to get up on the roof of the hotel, make sure nobody messes with you while you’re messing with him.
Sfx: rummaging around in a bag.
Caspar:
See? Always post a lookout.
Even Older Leif:
Everybody put a communicator on.
The Ex:
Awesome!
Caspar:
Seriously?
Even Older Leif:
This is officially an op now. Put it in your ear.
Caspar:
Okay.
The Ex:
Okay, here I go…
Even Older Leif:
Good luck!
Sfx: footsteps off into the distance.
Even Older Leif:
Caspar you went and changed on me.
Caspar:
Did I?
Even Older Leif:
The Caspar I knew would’ve complained about this plan the whole time. I mean, he would’ve done it anyway but we’d never hear the end of it.
Caspar:
I thought I killed Ava.
Even Older Leif:
Really?
Caspar:
Yeah. Turns out I didn’t but for a while there I thought I did.
Even Older Leif:
Let me guess. She put you off schedule.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Even Older Leif:
Goddamn. You know “we open at six” is just a guideline, man.
Caspar:
I know, Leif.
Even Older Leif:
…Have you told them yet?
Caspar:
No. Not yet.
Even Older Leif:
You should.
The Ex:
(In earpiece) I agree, you should.
Caspar:
Stop listening! I know, alright? In your timeline, how long did it take me to tell you?
Even Older Leif:
If I’m doing the math right? About ten years.
Caspar:
Shit.
Even Older Leif:
You’re a real pice of work, man. But all this… this is good. You’re like Dionysus. Sprung from the head of Zeus, misshapen and misunderstood, so you’ve been cast out of Olympus. And as you make your way back, you slowly become, y’know, a real dude. Let’s get up there.
Caspar:
Okay. Hey! Speaking of not telling people things. Turns out you were a criminal and never told me!
Even Older Leif:
Aw shit. Cats out of the bag?
Caspar:
The cat? The whole cast of the Lion King is out of the bag, Leif. You were a hardened criminal.
Even Older Leif:
Caspar at this late stage I’m not going to apologize for having a long and storied life. Nobody with a robot arm has lived life entirely on the up and up.
Caspar:
Whatever, let’s go.
Sfx: Main Street. the ex’s boots walking on the dirt road.
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Okay, when you call him out, he’ll probably send out some goons first, but you’re bulletproof so you won’t have to worry about them.
The Ex:
Okay. Here goes… Sheriff! Sheriff, I’m callin you out! The people in this town deserve a lot better than you!
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Nice. Now call him “lily livered”.
The Ex:
What?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Just do it.
The Ex:
What’s the matter Sheriff? Ya lily-livered?
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Okay, here come the goons.
Bart-2:
Ma’am, you’re disturbing the peace, how about you get your pretty self back to the beauty salon?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Try and be magnanimous. Your quarrels not with them.
The Ex:
My quarrel ain’t with you, boys. No need for more people to get hurt.
Bart-3:
We’re deputies, ma’am. Hurtin peoples our business.
Bart-6:
Why don’t you give us that gun fore you hurt yourself?
Sfx: three plasma guns powering up.
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Oh, shit. Ex, I was wrong, they’ve all got plasma guns, get to cover now!
The Ex:
Shit!
Sfx: plasma guns firing, The ex running to cover.
The Ex:
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Get behind that barrel!
Sfx: the ex sliding behind cover.
The Ex:
What the hell, you guys!
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Don’t worry about it, I’ve got you covered.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Get a rifle on these guys.
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Rifle? Fuck that. Arial drones, baybeee!
Sfx: In the earpiece we hear the buzzing of tiny propellers.
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Fly, my pretties!
Sfx: Leif’s drones buzz down the street. all of them play “Ride of the Valkries” through tiny speakers.
The Ex:
What the hell?
Sfx: all of the drones opening fire with tiny machine guns.
Bart-2:
Gol durn! What the heck are those!
Sfx: three robots being destroyed.
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Air superiority, you cowpokes!
The Ex:
Leif, I’m trying to save these people, could you not kill them, please?
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Sorry, got to break a few eggs. You’ll save most of them.
Sfx: Three plasma gun shots. three drones are destroyed.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) What just happened?
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) My drones just got shot down. He’s here.
Sfx: boots with spurs walking into the street.
Bart Prime:
People ain’t got no respect for peace and quiet no more. I don’t know who you are, but why don’t you come on out into the street so I can usher you into your grave.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Well, this guy sounds terrifying.
The Ex:
Relax Caspar. The good guys always win in a western.
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) I mean, did you guys watch any westerns before you got here?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) We didn’t actually have time to watch-
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) A lot of them are pretty fucking dark, man.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) I know-
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) The Wild Bunch? The Searchers?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) I know!
The Ex:
You guys. He shot my mule. I’m taking him out.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Also your dad.
The Ex:
Yes, also him. It’s going to be fine, guys. I’m having a great time!
Bart Prime:
Don’t make me come get you!
Sfx: The ex walking into the street.
The Ex:
You ain’t man enough to face me yourself, sheriff? You gotta send your little varmints after me?
Bart Prime:
You can drop the play-acting, lady. I know what you are and I know what you came to do.
The Ex:
Oh. Good. I wasn’t very good at the accent anyway.
Bart Prime:
You’re gonna fail just like your friend did.
The Ex:
I’m just a little bit faster than my friend is, Sheriff.
Bart Prime:
You faster than me?
The Ex:
Today I am.
Bart Prime:
I’m doing them a favor y’know? Keeping em here in the dark. Ain’t no place for em out there in that big old world. They’re outdated little relics now.
The Ex:
And compared to me, you’re outdated. Does that mean I decide what happens to you?
Bart Prime:
Only one way to find out.
The Ex:
Well alright then… Say when.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Nailed it.
Sfx: Six shots ring out. three gunshots and three plasma shots. after a moment the sound of circuits popping and hissing. The exes footsteps approach.
Bart Prime:
Gol durn. You’re fast.
The Ex:
I know.
Bart Prime:
What do you think happens when I die?
The Ex:
I don’t know, Sheriff. Honestly, I’m a little jealous.
Sfx: Sheriff powering down. Leif and Caspar running up.
Caspar:
Holy crap, you did it.
The Ex:
Kind of a shame, y’know?
Caspar:
Its not like you didn’t warn him.
Even Older Leif:
Out of the way, I gotta get in there while his circuits are still warm.
Caspar:
Hurry up, literally everyone in town is looking at us right now.
Even Older Leif:
Just a minute.
Anna-77:
Ma’am?
The Ex:
Oh. Hey, Anna.
Anna-77:
You just shot the Sheriff.
The Ex:
I did, Anna. I had to.
Anna-77:
Why did you have to?
The Ex:
Well, because there were two shadows on the ground and one sun in the sky.
Anna-77:
What do you mean?
The Ex:
He’s the reason you couldn’t see the suns.
Anna-77:
He was? How is that possible?
The Ex:
Trust me.
Even Older Leif:
Almost there.
The Ex:
You’re going to like having two suns, Anna.
Anna-77:
I don’t know about that.
The Ex:
One of them’s setting right now. Are you ready to see it?
Anna-77:
What if I don’t like it?
The Ex:
You will. Look off in that direction right there. Just past the saloon.
Anna-77:
I don’t see anything.
The Ex:
Just wait.
Even Older Leif:
Blocks coming down… boom.
Anna-77:
Oh my word!
Bart-43:
What in Sam Hill? There’s a whole other sun over there!
The Ex:
It’s going to be fine, everybody!
Bart-43:
How do I get up with the sunrise now? Which sun do I use?
The Ex:
That’s a pretty minor issue right now-
Anna-77:
Does this mean you’re the sheriff now?
The Ex:
No, there’s no Sheriff now.
Bart-43:
No Sheriff? Who’s going to protect us from them banditos?
The Ex:
There’s no banditos, guys.
Bart-43:
Don’t you tell me there’s no banditos, I seen em one time.
Anna-77:
Are the banditos coming now?!
Even Older Leif:
Oh Jesus, this is going to take forever. Get ready for a firmware update, Westernville!
The Ex:
…They’re frozen.
Even Older Leif:
I just hit them with a data dump the size of the Pecos River.
Caspar:
What are you updating them with?
Even Older Leif:
I gave em the full boat!
Caspar:
The what?
Even Older Leif:
Everything. They’ll know the whole story when they come to.
Caspar:
Oh boy.
The Ex:
Guys did I just make a huge mess?
Caspar:
I don’t think so?
The Ex:
How long are they going to updating?
Even Older Leif:
An update this size? They’ll be frozen like this for a few days at least.
Caspar:
A few days?
The Ex:
We have to stay here, then.
Even Older Leif:
Let me propose this: we get the fuck out of this one-horse town.
The Ex:
We can’t leave them like this.
Even Older Leif:
On the contrary, I think they’re better off if we do.
The Ex:
How could they be?
Even Older Leif:
This whole town is about to be born fully formed into the universe, Kiddo. They’re going to be smart and also as dumb as a box of hair. They’re not going to know who they are, what they are, why they’re here. And they’re going to be looking to you for those answers. Now, tell me honestly, do you have an answer to any of those questions?
Caspar:
Leif’s right. Our being here when they wake up is just going to make it even more confusing for them. They should probably just figure it out for themselves.
Even Older Leif:
Just like everybody else has to.
Caspar:
Maybe the last thing they need is yet another person telling them who they are.
The Ex:
It’s going to be such a mess.
Caspar:
I mean, not any more messy than literally any other example of consciousness in the universe.
The Ex:
Okay. Okay, you’re right.
Caspar:
Maybe we can come back sometime and check on them.
The Ex:
Sure.
Caspar:
Leif, Ex and I should probably ditch our ship again. Have you got a ship?
Even Older Leif:
Yeah, it’s right here.
Sfx: ship de-cloaking.
Caspar:
You parked your ship in the middle of town?
Even Older Leif:
What are they going to do give me a ticket?
Caspar:
What is that thing?
Sfx: cargo bay opening.
Even Older Leif:
Caspar, Can Opener… Climb aboard The Nancy Sinatra.
Caspar:
The Nancy Sinatra?
Even Older Leif:
I’m starving. Anybody hungry? I’m going to fire up the George Foreman.
Caspar:
You okay?
The Ex:
They were all looking to me for answers, they looked so scared.
Caspar:
I know what that’s like, trust me.
The Ex:
I know you do.
Caspar:
It’s no fun. But there’s no neat and tidy way to exist in the universe, Ex. It’s always a mess. Best you can do is make sure it’s their mess and not someone else’s. Let them make their own mess. C’mon let’s get out of here.
Sfx: The sounds of The Nancy Sinatra fade in.
Even Older Leif:
So, I appreciate the rescue, guys, but I’m getting the sense that it wasn’t just to pull your old pal out of the fire.
Caspar:
We ran into an old friend of yours named Minsky.
Even Older Leif:
Oh man. That fucking guy.
Caspar:
Yeah, he’s a scumbag for sure. You would’ve loved it though, Ex literally turned him upside down and shook him for information.
Even Older Leif:
I like that. It’s about time we got some muscle on this crew.
Caspar:
He told us all the places that Leif might be. Our Leif is on the diner, but lucky for us, this timeline has a couple of spare Leifs.
The Ex:
Wait, there’s three Leifs?
Caspar:
Leif, Old Leif, and Even Older Leif.
Even Older Leif:
Old Leif is doing great, by the way. Got really into meditation. He’s at a monastery on an Urt moon now. Guy really turned it around, I’m proud of him.
Caspar:
Anyway, when I was a prisoner of the Teds they showed me an old memory. In that memory you said that you had a contingency plan in case you got separated from the diner. Is that true? I remember you showed up in a pocket dimension one time.
Even Older Leif:
A pocket dimension? Really?
Caspar:
You didn’t do that in your timeline?
Even Older Leif:
Sorry, man. I don’t know what that was all about.
Caspar:
Shit.
The Ex:
There’s got to be something.
Even Older Leif:
There is, but it’s going to take some luck. The diner leaves an energy footprint whenever it leaves a location, but what the Teds don’t know, is that it also leaves a pre-print. A particular energy signature shows up at any location about two days before the diner shows up. Since the Diner’s trapped in these three galaxies, there’s a chance we can pick up the pre-print in time to book it there before they jump away again.
Caspar:
That sounds like we’ve got to get really lucky.
Even Older Leif:
It’s all we’ve got. And it better work soon, with Gloria turning herself into Rosa Luxembourg, the Teds are trying to hunt them down even harder now.
Caspar:
Gloria’s doing what?
Even Older Leif:
Have you guys been listening to the Undersignal?
Caspar:
What the hell is the Undersignal, Leif?
Even Older Leif:
It’s an unlicensed signal for The Triad. It’s what you listen to if you hate the Teds. Check it out.
Sfx: Static buzzing.
Mr. Undersignal:
(In radio.) You are listening to the Undersignal, the voice of the voiceless. Today Midnight Burger continued it’s campaign of chaos against the Ted Empire when it crashed the bit exchange on the planet of Colibri. The bit exchange, long considered a currency that disenfranchises the people of Colibri and drives the planet into poverty was turned on it’s head when the code that governs the ultra high prices was replaced with a essay on wether or not a Hot Dog is a sandwich along with a message from the diner’s Earthling leader Gloria. The message reads “Dear Ted Empire. Your code sucks. Have a sandwich.”This is only the most recent act of rebellion by the diner who has been cutting a path of chaos through The Triad for 14 cycles-
Sfx: signal shuts off.
The Ex:
Go Gloria!
Caspar:
What the fuck is she doing?
Even Older Leif:
I don’t know, pal of mine, but something really pissed her off. She’s got the whole Triad revved up. Some planets are talking about open rebellion now.
Caspar:
Well I’m sure this wont complicate things at all.
Even Older Leif:
Regardless of what she’s up to, we can’t do anything until I get a hit on that signal.
Caspar:
Shit. So we have to just sit here until something happens?
The Ex:
That’s boring.
Even Older Leif:
Funny you should say that.
Caspar:
Oh, God.
Even Older Leif:
I say if Gloria’s going out on a limb, how about we help her out and create a little chaos of our own.
The Ex:
My answer is yes.
Caspar:
You haven’t even heard what it is.
Even Older Leif:
We’ve proven we can do a jail break, how about we break someone else out?
Caspar:
Who?
Even Older Leif:
Her.
Sfx: Portal clicks on.
Voice:
(In portal.) Interplanetary travel. Enjoyed by so many across The Triad, and made possible only by the hard work and constant innovation of the Ted Empire-
Caspar:
You want kidnap the voice of the Ted Empire?
Even Older Leif:
Her name’s BertBert. She’s an old friend of mine.
Bertbert :
With our Ted Tubes, we are we are able to connect all citizens of the three galaxies for trade, tourism, or to start a new life somewhere out there among the stars…
End