MIDNIGHT BURGER

Interlude: Office Hours

A telephone rings and rings while we hear pencil scribbling. Finally the phone is picked up.
Contents:
Ava
Type:
Action
Unknown:
I heard that no one uses land lines anymore, so what’s going on here?… Oh, hi… With the Dean?… okay, sure. Yeah, I have that free. I’ll see you then. And Sue? You may want to politely remind the Dean that he doesn’t like me and that his day will be a lot more pleasant if he doesn’t meet with me later today, okay? Of course it won’t work, but hope springs eternal. Okay, bye bye.
A knock on Ava’s door.
Ava:
Strongly consider your choices.
Door opens.
Marguerite:
Hey doctor, can we tal k for two hours about how I think the universe is a hologram?
Ava:
Oh fuck you.
Marguerite:
How are things?
Ava:
Since you’re not one of my students things are going better.
Marguerite:
You know there’s a whole group of them that gather by the statue after your class.
Ava:
How do you know they’re mine?
Marguerite:
The permanent tear-streaks on their faces is a dead giveaway.
Ava:
That’s not fair. I’m not mean.
Marguerite:
You’re not, but there are no tough guy scientists anymore.
Ava:
Were there ever tough guy scientists?
Marguerite:
Tycho Brahe.
Ava:
Ah, Old brass nose, himself. The first and last of the science tough guys.
Marguerite:
Kepler got his mom acquitted of witchcraft, that’s pretty tough.
Ava:
That’s not the same as losing your nose in a sword fight.
Marguerite:
Didn’t he also have a pet moose?
Ava:
Elk, as it turns out. He had a pet elk that died when it fell down the stairs after he had gotten it drunk. He also had a court jester named Jepp, that he insisted was clairvoyant. He was also rich and was the first to observe a supernova. What’s a girl to do when she finds out her ideal man died hundreds of years ago?
Marguerite:
Your children would’ve been so beautiful.
Ava:
So, what are you doing here? Don’t you have class right now?
Marguerite:
Sudden schedule change.
Ava:
Good. We can scare away my students together, then. Hey, speaking of sudden, the dean wants to meet with me today all of a sudden.
Marguerite:
Really?
Ava:
Yes. Really looking forward to that. We love each other. Really looking forward to getting stared down by that portrait of Ezra Cornell on his wall.
Marguerite:
I hate that thing. The eyes follow you.
Ava:
So what’s going on?
Marguerite:
I need to… I need to call an emergency meeting of the lady scientists of Cornell University.
Ava:
Well, let’s see, is everyone here? Oh wait, that’s just us.
Marguerite:
We have a quorum.
Ava:
Please proceed.
Marguerite:
…
Ava:
What’s wrong?
Marguerite:
Um… you know that “woman in academia feeling” where you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Ava:
Yes.
Marguerite:
I have uh… been shoe’d.
Ava:
Oh God, what’s happened?
Marguerite:
It’s a funny story.
Ava:
I’m sure it’s hilarious.
Marguerite:
I’m pretty sure your meeting with the dean is about picking up some slack while they find an ad-interim head of astrophysics.
Ava:
They’re FIRING you?!
Marguerite:
Yes. Sort of. I don’t actually know what they’re going to do yet but it’s going to be whatever you do when you fire someone with tenure.
Ava:
You can’t fire someone with tenure.
Marguerite:
Right but they can nail me shut in a pine box academically speaking. They’re going to do whatever they can and they can do a lot.
Ava:
On what fucking grounds?
Marguerite:
I’m sure they’ll say something about my lack of publishing. Something like that.
Ava:
I’ve read all of your publishing.
Marguerite:
You read my drafts.
Ava:
Yes. They’re great.
Marguerite:
Thank you, I think so too.
Ava:
Then what the hell?
Marguerite:
There is that pesky step of actually submitting things for review.
Ava:
Pesky step.
Marguerite:
Yes.
Ava:
How much have you submitted?
Marguerite:
Um, I’m going to say none?
Ava:
None? None.
Marguerite:
Roughly.
Ava:
Zero is a hard number, you can’t say roughly zero.
Marguerite:
It’s zero.
Ava:
Oh my God.
Marguerite:
Yeah.
Ava:
Thats fine. Thants fine. Start the process right now. Start the process and when they try to put you in the pine box you just say you’re in the process-
Marguerite:
I’ve been sleeping with the Dean’s wife.
Ava:
…
Marguerite:
…
Ava:
You…
Marguerite:
…
A drawer opens. A bottle and two glasses emerge. Two glasses are poured. Ava drinks one then fills it again.
Marguerite:
So-
Ava:
I’m going to need you to rewind your story a little bit.
Marguerite:
Right. Right. Well, we met two years ago at a function-
Ava:
Oh no no no. A little further back, please.
Marguerite:
…
Ava:
…
Marguerite:
So, I’m a lesbian.
Ava:
Hi, nice to meet you.
Marguerite:
I’m a private person.
Ava:
I’ve seen you date men.
Marguerite:
Nobody’s perfect.
Ava:
Jesus Christ, Marguerite.
Marguerite:
I apologize.
Ava:
The Dean’s wife?!
Marguerite:
She’s actually a lovely person.
Ava:
I hope so.
Marguerite:
I kept getting curiously invited to functions when the other professors weren’t. She sent the initial signals.
Ava:
Oh you poor thing, you’re an innocent victim.
Marguerite:
I really am, Ava. What should I have done?
Ava:
Not sleep with a married person. Also not sleep with the person married to your boss.
Marguerite:
Marriage doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m French.
Ava:
You’re from Colorado.
Marguerite:
I mean my ancestors.
Ava:
He is going to form a posse and run you out of town.
Marguerite:
I know.
Ava:
He knows everyone in academia.
Marguerite:
Yes.
Ava:
He’s going to ruin you.
Marguerite:
… I know.
Ava:
… fuck… well, drink your drink you total stranger to me.
Marguerite:
Okay.
She drinks.
Marguerite:
Another please.
Glass being poured.
Marguerite:
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.
Ava:
We’ve been working together for seven years.
Marguerite:
Yes.
Ava:
You’re right down the hall. You’re the only person I don’t want to murder.
Marguerite:
It’s an easy thing to miss, we’ve both had our heads down in our work.
Ava:
You’ve had your head down in something.
Marguerite:
You never asked either, by the way.
Ava:
Yes, because asking a colleague their sexual orientation in an academic setting could never cause any problems.
Marguerite:
You could’ve asked leading questions.
Ava:
It’s not my job to Encyclopedia Brown your sexuality.
Marguerite:
Fine, okay.
Ava:
… I can’t believe you didn’t publish any of the things I read.
Marguerite:
I know.
Ava:
It’s not getting published now.
Marguerite:
No. But here’s the thing… there’s a reason why I didn’t publish them. It’s actually the main reason I’m here.
Ava:
What are you talking about?
Marguerite opens her bag and puts something big down on Ava’s desk.
A Va:
What is this?
Marguerite:
Oh, also. These two flash drives.
Pages turning.
Ava:
What is this, I haven’t seen any of this.
Marguerite:
That’s the reason I didn’t publish. That’s what I’ve really been working on… I haven’t been publishing because everything in these notes and those two flash drives disproves everything I would’ve published. In fact it disproves… it disproves most things, Ava.
Ava:
… what are you talking about?
Marguerite:
It wasn’t a Big Bang.
Ava:
… keep talking.
Marguerite:
If you watch the first three acts of Hamlet, it’s about a guy who never does anything but loves to talk about doing something. Not a great story. You really need those last two acts.
Ava:
Ok.
Marguerite:
We’re in act three of the universe. The beginning of act three even. We think we know the end by looking at the beginning, but it’s a more interesting story than that. Who in their right mind would watch the first half of Hamlet and assume he’s just going to keep doing the same thing over and over again?
Ava:
So then… how does it end?
Marguerite:
It doesn’t. The lights fade. The curtain lowers… and then we do it all again tomorrow for a different audience.
Ava:
You’ve been working on The Big Bounce Theory.
Marguerite:
Secretly. On my own. Since college. In quiet moments to myself. You know the quiet moments when you’re post-coital with the Dean’s wife.
Ava:
Are you serious about this?
Marguerite:
Yes. Look I know I’m kind of a goofball most of the time. I forget things, I don’t take things seriously that everyone else does. I miss important parties, I don’t read enough journals, I hardly ever get my oil changed in my car. I kind of blow off most normal human things. You’ve seen it happen. But as it turns out there’s a reason for that. Because everything in those notes and those flash drives tells me that everything we’ve been doing is wrong. How do you take your work seriously when you feel that, at its core, it’s fundamentally flawed.
Ava:
Marguerite, this would change everything.
Marguerite:
I know.
Ava:
If you’re right then people have to know about this.
Marguerite:
They won’t.
Ava:
What?
Marguerite:
Don’t play dumb with me.
Ava:
I’m not.
Marguerite:
No one’s going to listen to me. Maybe 100 years from now someone will find my notes and realize that a nutty professor from Cornell was right all along but it’ll just be a footnote. I’ll just be another “right after the fact” scientist. It’s not enough to be right. People have to believe that you’re the kind of person that CAN be right. Nobody thinks that about me. Not even you, look at you, you think I’m crazy.
Ava:
No I don’t.
Marguerite:
A little bit.
Ava:
Maybe a little bit… you seriously think that the Big Bang didn’t happen?
Marguerite:
No. It happened. It just isn’t what we think it is. We’re not spiraling towards the total heat death of the universe, we’re just halfway through a long and beautiful story. One that will be told over and over again for eternity. Everything in the universe condensed to a single point, and then, boom. The universe is created. Then, after billions of years, it slowly comes back together again and collapses in on itself down to that single point. Then, boom. And we do it all over again.
Ava:
And you’ve proven this.
Marguerite:
I have for me. I have decided to now leave it on your desk and make it your problem.
Ava:
Astrophysics isn’t even my field.
Marguerite:
I know. But I’m not going to give it to one of the fucking idiots down the hall.
Ava:
You’re just going to leave me with a mess.
Marguerite:
No. I’m leaving you with something you’ve been looking for.
Ava:
What do you mean?
Marguerite:
In those notes is a new draft of the universe. In my universe things make sense that didn’t make sense before.
Ava:
Like what?
Marguerite:
Like your big secret, Ava. Like, let’s say you’re a theoretical physicist who keeps telling people that she’s discovered a single point of null entropy in the universe. In the current model of the universe a single point of null entropy is impossible. In my model of the universe, it makes complete sense.
Ava:
And you still didn’t tell me? My world fits perfectly into yours and you said nothing.
Marguerite:
Remember when I first started here and you hated me?
Ava:
Yes.
Marguerite:
I kept saying, let’s go get a drink. I kept saying there’s a free concert on the grass let’s go check it out. Every time you would move your office I would help you move without you asking and it would really annoy you.
Ava:
I remember.
Marguerite:
Considering these new revelations about me, does all of that maybe make a little more sense now?
Ava:
…
Marguerite:
I tried to convince you a while back that our worlds fit together. But you weren’t listening. So I kept it to myself. Maybe a little bit out of spite. And I’m sorry about that, too.
Ava:
…
Marguerite:
I have to go. The Dean’s wife is waiting for me on my couch.
Ava:
Oh my God.
Marguerite:
He thinks she’s staying at her sister’s, but she’s not staying at her sister’s, sister, she’s staying with me.
Ava:
Are you out of you’re mind?
Marguerite:
Hey. I’m not going to be a pariah AND single.
Ava:
Well… tell her I said hi.
Marguerite:
I will. So, will you call me when you’ve gone through all that?
Ava:
Yes, I will, but I don’t know what to do with it all regardless.
Marguerite:
Ava. Look around. It’s our universe, they just don’t know it yet. Call me soon.
Ava:
Ok.
Door shuts. Pages flipping. Ava picks up the phone.
Ava:
Hey, Sue. Listen I know the Dean needs to meet with me but I’m afraid we’re going to have to do it first thing Monday. I know he’ll be upset, but something’s come up. It’s an emergency. I’m sure he’ll get over it… okay.
Ava hangs up. Another drink is poured. Pages flipping. Ava begins taking notes.
The end