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MIDNIGHT BURGER
Chapter 17: News of the World.
Sfx: The Hum of the Nancy Sinatra.
Bertbert:
(In speakers.) As you can see from the dilapidated buildings behind me, the draconian trade policies of the Ted Empire have decimated the small cities and towns here on Lemmonier. To keep up with the high fees associated with their active warp gate, every citizen of this planet must work at a water treatment facility for a minimum of 5 years so that they can prepare shipments of fresh water to the Teds as payment for their active warp gate lease. When the lease was fist signed by the Lemmonians a generation ago, it was seen as a great boon to their planet. But now, with their freshwater reserves depleted by 20% globally, and environmental disasters looming, the Lemmonians are desperate to escape their lease with the Teds that is not set to expire for another generation-
Even Older Leif:
Believe it or not, that badass is now this…
Bertbert:
(In speakers.) Coming up next on Earth 2 “The Metaverse”, watch millions of Earthlings convince themselves that it’s gong to be an actual thing-
Caspar:
How did that happen?
Even Older Leif:
Ted Ticks. Nanobots that can grab a hold of your frontal lobe and turn you into a directionless shill. They’re all over the place on Earth by the way, mostly on local news stations.
Caspar:
That explains a lot.
The Ex:
How are we going to rescue her?
Even Older Leif:
Not sure yet. We’re coming up on the Ted home world now, we’re going to sneak in and grab her.
Caspar:
What system is it in?
Even Older Leif:
Bethany Elliot.
Caspar:
Okay.
The Ex:
Wait, what?
Caspar:
The name of the solar system is Bethany Elliot.
The Ex:
The Ted home world is located in a solar system called The Bethany Elliot System?
Caspar:
Yeah.
The Ex:
How?
Even Older Leif:
The international star registry.
Caspar:
Yeah, you know those “Name Your Own Star” kits you can buy on Earth? Where you can name a star after your kid or whatever?
The Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
They’re real. Those names are binding.
Even Older Leif:
And they’re everywhere.
Caspar:
Yeah, they’re all over the place. There’s the Bethany Elliot system, the Ronnie Loves Becky system, The Sara Bergenholtz system, The Happy Graduation Jimbo system.
Even Older Leif:
The worst is Justine Burbank.
Caspar:
Oh God, Justine Burbank is the worst.
Even Older Leif:
That’s where I lost my arm.
The Ex:
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Caspar:
Well, it’s a human thing and you’re trying to become more human so the joke’s on you, Lady.
The Ex:
Whatever, how are we doing this?
Even Older Leif:
She’s a high value target so they move her every couple of weeks. Luckily I have it on good authority that she’s currently at Earth Portal Headquarters and they just moved her there so we’ve got plenty of time to plan.
Sfx: panel beeps.
Even Older Leif:
Shit.
Caspar:
What?
Even Older Leif:
Turns out when I heard they just moved her, what I should of heard was, they’re just ABOUT to move her. They’re moving her in two hours, we’re going to have to wing it. Everybody hang on!
Caspar:
Leif!
Sfx: Thrusters firing.
Sfx: The bustling interior of the Earth portal building.
Bertbert:
Welcome to Earth Portal. The number one source of entertainment in the triad. Be sure and tune in for our newest hit show “Who Did Henry Kissinger Outlive THIS Time?”
Voice:
Gar Dal calling.
Sfx: beep.
Harsteen:
Gar, Boo Boo, here’s the problem. You should be calling me about production wrapping up but you’re not calling to tell me that, are you?… Uh-huh… Uh-h uh… you don’t say?… Gar… G ar… let me just stop you right there. El Salvador just adopted Bitcoin as their national currency, you’re telling me you CAN’T find the humor in that? Because I think it’s hilarious… Sure… Sure… Yes, Gar I understand that it’s sad FOR THEM but what do I always say? If it’s sad on Earth it’s hilarious for the rest of us. Right? Are we together on this? Good. Don’t fuck this up, Gar.
Sfx: Door sliding open.
Assistant Bot:
Good Morning, Sir.
Harsteen:
Good morning, Debra.
Assistant Bot:
Your Hour Nine meeting is in your office.
Harsteen:
I have an hour nine meeting?
Assistant Bot:
Schedule reads hour nine meeting.
Harsteen:
Alright, fine. Everybody wants a piece of me, Debra.
Sfx: door sliding open.
Harsteen:
Good morning! Am I late? So sorry if I am. It’s non stop fun here at Earth Portal. What can I do for you today?
Caspar:
I’m sorry?
Harsteen:
What can I do for you today? I apologize I’m not prepared for this meeting, whatever it is, I didn’t realize you were on my schedule until just now. Are you pitching something?
Caspar:
Uh… Yes. Yes that’s why I’m here.
Harsteen:
Great. Go ahead.
Caspar:
Go ahead with?
Harsteen:
Your pitch, let’s hear it.
Caspar:
What am I pitching?
Harsteen:
Sweetie. How did you get this meeting?
Caspar:
Honestly, I’m not sure.
Harsteen:
Alright, this meeting is obviously some sort of glitch in the system. I apologize for wasting my time. Debra! Can you escort whoever this is out of my office please?
Caspar:
Wait, I’m sorry. I’m just a little confused.
Harsteen:
You and me both, Pal.
Caspar:
I’m from Earth. I’m a little overwhelmed by all this.
Sfx: door slides open.
Assistant Bot:
Please follow me.
Harsteen:
What did you say?
Caspar:
I’m from Earth. I’m still getting used to all this crazy space stuff. I mean, until last week I didn’t even know there were aliens.
Harsteen:
Is this a joke?
Caspar:
I’m sorry?
Assistant Bot:
Please follow me.
Harsteen:
Never mind, Debra.
Sfx: door sliding shut.
Harsteen:
You’re really an Earthling?
Caspar:
I am.
Harsteen:
So if I gave you a cup of coffee, it WOULDN’T kill you?
Caspar:
Nope.
Sfx: beeps. A coffee cup filling up. Coffe cup being set on table.
Caspar:
I’m supposed to drink this, I’m assuming?
Harsteen:
Please.
Sfx: sipping.
Caspar:
Still here.
Harsteen:
Well, look at you.
Caspar:
What do you mean?
Harsteen:
I’m sorry I’ve… I’ve never met an Earthling before.
Caspar:
I’m jealous.
Harsteen:
How’d you get off world?
Caspar:
Is it really that hard?
Harsteen:
It is for Earthlings.
Caspar:
Right. I uh… I made a deal. I made a deal with the Ted Empire.
Harsteen:
Really? We offered you a deal?
Caspar:
Yes. Because I invented something.
Harsteen:
You did?
Caspar:
And they didn’t want Earthlings to have it so they offered me a deal.
Harsteen:
What was the deal?
Caspar:
One-way trip to space. And… And a meeting with you.
Harsteen:
Oh! I see. A top secret thing. No wonder I didn’t know about this meeting.
Caspar:
Yes, sorry about that.
Harsteen:
What’d you invent?
Caspar:
A… flying… car?
Harsteen:
Oh yeah. We’d never let you have one of those.
Caspar:
Right? I mean, why though?
Harsteen:
Well, I’m not in the Earth monitoring department but our approach to scientific advancements on Earth is always: when science advances, make sure it’s also disappointing. We can’t just let you have flying cars, it would be too much fun. We CAN let you have the airline industry, which takes the majesty of flight and turns it into a really miserable experience.
Caspar:
I see.
Harsteen:
The misery of Earthlings is really our bread and butter here at Earth Portal.
Caspar:
And what do you do here?
Harsteen:
Right. Forgive me, I forget you’re starting from scratch. Welcome to Earth Portal, the number one entertainment portal in The Triad. Throughout three galaxies, the number one source of entertainment is your home planet.
Caspar:
You watch our television shows?
Harsteen:
Well, don’t get me wrong, your television shows aren’t that bad. But none of them really come close the true nuclear-grade idiocy that you folks get up to down there.
Caspar:
That’s hard to argue with!
Harsteen:
You know what? It’s all becoming clear to me now. I have been begging to have an Earthling on staff here at Earth Portal and it looks like my begging has paid off! They’ve sent me an Earthling!
Caspar:
Here I am!
Harsteen:
I have to say. Big fan. I love your planet. I love how on-fire everything is all the time.
Caspar:
Everything?
Harsteen:
And I’ve really been watching, okay? I’m not a casual viewer, I’ve been watching since the “Tom Cruise on Oprah’s Couch” days.
Caspar:
Tom cruise on Oprah’s couch, was that you guys?
Harsteen:
Oh, Tom Cruise is all us, baby. You think an Earthling would act that way?
Sfx: alarms blaring.
Harsteen:
Oh, great. What is this now? Debra!
Sfx: door slides open.
Assistant Bot:
Hello boss. There is a high security risk asset entering the building for an exclusive interview. Your presence is required in the lobby.
Harsteen:
Ooh. Haven’t had one of these for a while.
Caspar:
What’s happening?
Harsteen:
Exclusive interview. We’re going to have to go into lock down for a while, we’ll finish this up later. Get comfortable.
Sfx: door sliding shut.
Caspar:
Ex? Ex are you there?
The Ex:
(In earpiece.) Yeah, I’m here.
Caspar:
Are you in position?
The Ex:
(In earpiece.) I mean, I guess so? I thought a rescue attempt would involve more planning than this.
Caspar:
Yeah, I don’t really appreciate the free-jazz improv version of this rescue attempt either but were we really expecting a long thought out plan from Even Older Leif?
The Ex:
(In earpiece.) Are you in position?
Caspar:
Yeah, sure. I don’t know what I do next though. He just said he made me a fake appointment with some guy. Now there’s alarms going off and the guy left. And the door’s locked. What was your job?
Sfx: The Ex Sighs.
Caspar:
What?
The Ex:
Take out the guards.
Caspar:
Okay. That sounds easy, what’s the problem?
The Ex:
I’ve been doing a lot of violence, Caspar.
Caspar:
Yeah, I know.
The Ex:
So, I don’t really like it.
Caspar:
You don’t? You’re incredibly good at it, though.
The Ex:
I know.
Caspar:
So, stop being good at it and people won’t ask you to do it anymore. Nobody’s asking me to take out the guards.
The Ex:
I know.
Caspar:
I’m the “locked in a room for no reason” guy. How many guards are there?
The Ex:
Looks like just two.
Caspar:
Should be fine. Try and go easy on them.
The Ex:
Fine. When do I do it?
Caspar:
He said to wait for the power to go out, but I don’t know how that’s happening.
The Ex:
Maybe I can convince them to lay down their arms peacefully, do you think that’ll work?
Caspar:
Sure, people lay down their arms peacefully all the time.
The Ex:
Okay.
Caspar:
You know what happens before they lay down their arms peacefully?
The Ex:
What?
Caspar:
TONS of violence.
The Ex:
Goddamnit.
Caspar:
Unless you’re the French, am I right everybody?!
The Ex:
Seriously, a French joke?
Caspar:
Always make fun of the French, they’re the last acceptable target.
Sfx: the lobby. Alarms still blaring. Several TedBots march into position.
Harsteen:
Alright everyone, looking good, looking very formidable. Let’s remember, this man is very dangerous, any false moves and just go ahead and shoot him, no complaints from me.
Sfx: cargo bay doors opening. A man in chains slowly approaches.
Harsteen:
Well, well, well. Leif of Midnight Burger. Of all the gin joints in all the world.
Even Older Leif:
Earth Portal. You know, I’ve had dreams about this place.
Harsteen:
Is that right?
Even Older Leif:
Of course, in my dreams I’m blowing it up.
Harsteen:
Leif, as a condition of your surrender you will be granted one interview, live on Earth Portal. After which you will be put into deep-cold storage, your sentence in deep-cold storage will be open ended. You may never be unfrozen. Do you understand these terms?
Even Older Leif:
Sure do.
Harsteen:
Well, then. Are you ready for your close-up?
Even Older Leif:
Oh yeah. It’s showtime.
The Ex:
I mean, what am I doing with myself?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Are we seriously doing this right now?
The Ex:
I’m sorry, are you busy?
Caspar:
… No.
The Ex:
What am I doing?
Caspar:
Can you narrow that down for me a little?
The Ex:
I don’t know. I mean, look at me. I’m indestructible and incredibly powerful, most of the time I can travel through time and space. I’m probably immortal.
Caspar:
True.
The Ex:
And not to be that girl, but I look great while I’m doing it too.
Caspar:
These are all true things.
The Ex:
So what the hell am I doing?
Caspar:
I’m sorry, are you asking for a raise or something?
The Ex:
No I’m just saying-
Caspar:
Wait.
Sfx: scratching noises at the door.
The Ex:
(In earpiece.) What is it?
Caspar:
Someone’s trying to open my door.
The Ex:
Is it Leif?
Caspar:
I don’t know. Hang on. Hello?
Sfx: door sliding open. Robot arm waving.
Caspar:
What the fuck?
The Ex:
What is it?
Caspar:
It’s Leif’s robot arm.
Harsteen:
So, tell me. How’d you lose an arm?
Even Older Leif:
Lost it in a fire fight in the Justine Burbank system.
Harsteen:
Ooh, rough territory in Justine Burbank.
Even Older Leif:
The roughest. This was before the embargo, too.
Harsteen:
Most people would get a prosthetic or a synthetic.
Even Older Leif:
Not me. I prefer to keep it au natruale.
Harsteen:
You’re much older than we expected. Our reports don’t have you this old and they don’t have you with one arm.
Even Older Leif:
You saying I’m an imposter?
Harsteen:
Would you consent to a DNA scan?
Even Older Leif:
Knock yourself out.
Voice:
Scanning DNA.
Sfx: dna scanner.
Voice:
Confirmed. High Value Target 6365. Leif of Midnight Burger. Known aliases: Leafy, Leif-a- reno, The Leif- miester, Jerry. Wanted for 359 violations of galactic and systemic laws. Warning: target highly adept at technological improvisation and deception. Deep connections to organized crime and terrorist organizations throughout The Triad. Loves cats.
Harsteen:
That’s quite a rap sheet. Hearing that, one might think that you turning yourself in is part of some sort of plan.
Even Older Leif:
I admit there’s a frog and the scorpion vibe to all of this, but what are you going to do? Turn me away?
Harsteen:
I suppose we could.
Even Older Leif:
No you couldn’t. It’s against policy. And you and I both know that the Teds follow the rules.
Harsteen:
Nothing wrong with following the rules. The Ted Empire is the most powerful force in The Triad because we follow the rules.
Even Older Leif:
Sounds like you’ve got some “post hoc ergo propter hoc” problems there, Buddy.
Harsteen:
Excuse me?
Even Older Leif:
After it, therefore because of it. Everybody follows the rules and the Ted Empire flourishes and you all say “Well, good thing we followed the rules.” Completely overlooking the fact that the Ted Empire really flourishes because of the draconian stranglehold it’s had on The Triad for generations. But that’s classic empire building for you: Law and order at home, total chaos everywhere else.
Sfx: Leif’s arm scurrying down a hallway.
The Ex:
(In earpiece.) So, his robot arm is autonomous, or something?
Caspar:
It keeps scurrying down the hall and then gesturing for me to follow, so I guess so.
The Ex:
Where are you going?
Caspar:
I don’t know, I don’t speak “arm”. Where are all the guards?
The Ex:
I think I’m seeing Leif’s plan coming together. There’s a monitor up here. I can see him in the lobby. He surrendered to the Teds and he’s giving a live interview. All the guards are on him except for the two up here. He’s the distraction.
Caspar:
Well, how are we going to save him after we save her?
The Ex:
I don’t know dude. Trust the plan, I guess.
Caspar:
Whatever.
The Ex:
If he’s the distraction and I’m getting BertBert, I guess that makes you the “shut off the power” guy.
Caspar:
I guess so. I hope the arm knows where it’s going.
The Ex:
Can we get back to me for a second?
Caspar:
Ex, are you serious?
The Ex:
I’m kind of in crisis here.
Caspar:
Ex, I cannot believe you are doing some sort of “Eat, Pray, Love” bullshit while we’re in the middle a dramatic rescue mission.
The Ex:
Y’know there are like 19 movies about an android trying to become human and you picked a shitty Julia Roberts movie. Sexist much?
Caspar:
I’m sorry, I can’t believe you’re doing some sort of “Ex Machina” bullshit while we’re in the middle of a dramatic rescue mission. Oh hey, “EX” Machina. Look at that.
The Ex:
Very funny.
Caspar:
Hang on.
Sfx: Leif’s arm jumping up an down.
The Ex:
What is it?
Caspar:
Goddamnit the arm is pointing to an air duct. Seriously? We really have to go in there? There’s seriously no other way?
The Ex:
Are you talking to Leif’s arm now?
Caspar:
I am. Let’s never speak of this again.
Harsteen:
So I know what we’re supposed to be doing right now is talking about what a dangerous criminal you are, but can we dish about Earth for a minute?
Even Older Leif:
Why not?
Harsteen:
I’m a big fan. I was raised on Earth Portal.
Even Older Leif:
Oh yeah? What was your first? The show the really hooked you?
Harsteen:
Without a doubt: Florida.
Even Older Leif:
Oh yeah. Great stuff.
Harsteen:
Is it really like that? It seems fake.
Even Older Leif:
It definitely seems fake, but that’s all real. From the mesh t-shirts to the meth labs.
Harsteen:
Amazing.
Even Older Leif:
You’ve got some stuff on Earth that’s completely manufactured by the Teds: Competitive Yacht racing, The Eurovision Song Contest, John Mayer. But Florida is 100% grade A Earth shit.
Harsteen:
It’s funny you mention that. To hear you tell it, you turned to a life of crime after you discovered that that Teds were deliberately manipulating events on Earth, is that right?
Even Older Leif:
No, that’s not quite right.
Harsteen:
Explain.
Even Older Leif:
I discovered that you people were deliberately keeping Earth a hot mess because it made us more entertaining for the rest of The Triad. Not a good day for your boy. My first reaction was “Hey. I gotta tell people. I gotta let them know it’s all a sham!” That’s when it hit me.
Harsteen:
That everybody already knew.
Even Older Leif:
That’s right. The only one who wasn’t in on the joke was me. Three galaxies not caring that one planet was being put through hell on purpose. To everyone out there, the most important thing was to have something to watch at the end of the day. I didn’t just start hating the Ted Empire on that day. I started hating everybody. We were suffering and nobody cared. Actually, I take that back. One person cared.
Sfx: Leif’s arm making it’s way down an air duct with Caspar following.
Caspar:
You know, I’m trying to be more of a yes person these days, but maybe venturing into the heart of darkness to save an old friend of Even Older Leif is a bit beyond the pale.
The Ex:
(In earpiece.) Oh, I’m sorry. Are you discussing your feelings during a rescue attempt? I thought we weren’t supposed to do that?
Caspar:
Oh, Goddamnit. You know what, fine. We’re stopping. Hey, Lefty. Hold up for a minute we have to help Ex with her identity crisis.
Sfx: Leif’s arm stops.
Caspar:
Oh shit, it actually listened. What a team player. Okay. Ex. That’s the problem?
The Ex:
… Well now you’ve put me on the spot, I can’t remember what I was going to say.
Caspar:
Oh my God.
The Ex:
No, I remember… Humans are always at war. With death, with helplessness, with loneliness. And it’s when you go to war that you find yourselves. I can’t die. I can’t imagine a situation where I would be helpless. I… I may be the most powerful person ever created. That can’t be meaningless.
Caspar:
Well… It is. It is meaningless. Power is meaningless. People are born into amazing amounts of power for no reason all the time. They convince them selves that power is purpose, but it’s not. It’s just power. So they use their power to try and get even more power but that’s not purpose, that’s just a game of Hungry Hungry Motherfucking Hippos. Nothing is born with meaning. Nothing. You have to give it meaning.
The Ex:
How do I do that?
Caspar:
Fuck if I know. Look, how about for now it’s this: Someone’s in trouble. Let’s go get them.
The Ex:
Okay. That’ll work for now. Go shut off the power so I can beat the shit out of these guards.
Caspar:
Okay. Lead on, Robot Arm!
Harsteen:
What have you got against the Ted Empire, Leif? I mean I know you just said, you hate everybody, but let’s be honest, you save a lot of your ire for our planet, don’t you?
Even Older Leif:
Oh yeah. You guys are the worst.
Harsteen:
See, but I’m looking around. I’m seeing planets connected to each other in ways they never would be without the TedTubes. We made interstellar travel possible. We paved the roads between planets, we connected three galaxies for trade, diplomacy, and cultural exchange.
Even Older Leif:
“Trade, diplomacy, and cultural exchange.” You know every Ted says that line when you pull on their string.
Harsteen:
Am I wrong?
Even Older Leif:
You know what. Since this is my last hoorah I’ll admit this to you right now: the Ted Empire is not all bad.
Harsteen:
Breaking news.
Even Older Leif:
Interstellar travel is great. I’ve spent my life among those stars, sneaking through one of your warp gates with a cheat code. Look at in the right light, my life wouldn’t have been possible without The Ted Empire.
Harsteen:
You’re welcome.
Even Older Leif:
But here’s where it all comes crashing down. Nothing is ever one thing. The Teds connected three galaxies to each other. People stopped wondering if they were alone in the universe. You gave people freedom. And the only price of freedom was slavery. The slavery of debt, the slavery of scarcity, the slavery of monopoly.
Harsteen:
Well maybe we should just pack up our warp gates and go home then?
Even Older Leif:
You can’t. You and I both know there’s no natural resources left on your home planet. All these star systems where you’ve got your thumb on the scale, I wonder if they have any idea that you need them as much as they need you? I wonder if they know that now, because you idiots decided to broadcast a live interview on your most popular entertainment channel.
Harsteen:
You really think people are going to listen to a criminal like you?
Even Older Leif:
Oh, hell yeah. People love criminals.
Caspar:
Okay, this is going to sound crazy but I think I’m beginning to understand what the arm is saying.
The Ex:
(in earpiece.) What’s it saying?
Caspar:
Well, we’re in some sort of control room. There’s to levers to pull, I think I’m supposed to pull one and Leif’s arm pulls the other.
Sfx: arm jumping up and down.
Caspar:
And now it’s jumping up and down like I just won a round of Pictionary, I’m taking that as confirmation.
The Ex:
Okay, cool. Let’s do this.
Caspar:
Are you in position?
The Ex:
Caspar, I’ve been in position this whole time.
Caspar:
I’m just checking. Okay, let’s do this, Leif’s Arm. 3…2…1… Lights out, Ted Empire.
Sfx: two levers being thrown and the entire building powering down. An alarm starts going off.
Caspar:
Wow. That is serious darkness. Ex, how’s it coming?
Sfx: the sound of the Ex beating the crap out of two tedbots in Caspar’s earpiece.
Caspar:
Is that-
Sfx: more sounds of robot beating.
Caspar:
Are we-
Sfx: just a little bit more robot beating.
Caspar:
How are we doing?
The Ex:
(In earpiece.) We’re good.
Caspar:
Okay!
The Ex:
I’m assuming she’s being held behind these big doors. Looks like it’s can opener time.
Caspar:
How can you see anything, it’s pitch black?
The Ex:
Stop being surprised that I’m an android.
Caspar:
Sorry. I hope Leif is doing okay.
Harsteen:
Hello? Hello can we get the auxiliary power on please? I can’t see a thing.
Sfx: flood lights clicking on.
Voice:
Auxiliary power activated.
Harsteen:
… Where is Leif?
Sfx: plasma rifle powering up.
Even Older Leif:
Showtime.
Harsteen:
He’s got a gun!!
Sfx: in Caspar’s earpiece, the sound of Leif yelling and showering the entire lobby with gunfire.
Caspar:
Okay, Leif’s earpiece is back on and he’s apparently making a John Woo film in the lobby.
Sfx: rhythmic beeping.
The Ex:
Yeah, I can hear.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Where are you?
The Ex:
I found her. I mean, I found a woman with a bunch of tubes sticking out of her so I either found her or the Bride of Frankenstein.
Sfx: high speed scrolling through several pages on a computer screen.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Well unplug her and and throw her over your shoulder. Looks like Leif’s arm is taking me to the roof, I guess that’s our exit strategy.
The Ex:
Yeah, I don’t think I should do that.
Caspar:
Why not?
The Ex:
Because I’m reading the instructions.
Caspar:
Not a lot of time here, Ex.
The Ex:
It’s okay, it’s only a thousand pages.
Sfx: scrolling stops.
The Ex:
Okay, I’m done. We have a problem.
Caspar:
What?
The Ex:
She should’ve woken up when we cut the power. She’s still unconscious.
Caspar:
What does that mean?
The Ex:
It means she doesn’t want to come out of it.
Caspar:
Well, tough shit, bring her anyway.
The Ex:
I can’t, she has to bring herself out or she could have permanent brain damage.
Caspar:
Why?
The Ex:
I don’t know, it says so in the instructions.
Caspar:
Well then what the hell are we supposed to do?
The Ex:
I have an idea, but it’s a little wacky.
Caspar:
All of our lives are in danger so it’s a great time for something wacky.
The Ex:
I’m going to go inside her head.
Caspar:
You can go inside her head?
The Ex:
I’ve been inside your head more times than you’ve been inside a bathroom, of course I can.
Caspar:
What are you going to do in there?
The Ex:
I don’t know. Pull the fire alarm?
Caspar:
Fine. If this is our only move then here we go. I’ll be up on the roof with Leif’s arm. Meet us there.
The Ex:
Okay.
Caspar:
Minds can me messy places, Ex. Don’t get stuck in there.
The Ex:
Don’t worry about me… Okay… Knock knock, BertBert. Anybody home?
Sfx: everything goes silent. We hear the faint sounds of a television.
The Ex:
Hello?
Sfx: the ex walks down a hallway. The television grows louder. We hear liquor being poured onto ice.
The Ex:
BertBert?
Bertbert:
Who are you?
The Ex:
I’m Ex.
Bertbert:
What are you doing here?
The Ex:
I’m here to rescue you.
Bertbert:
I find that hard to believe.
The Ex:
Why is that?
Bertbert:
Because we’re in my head, and that’s not where rescue missions happen.
The Ex:
That’s a fair point.
Bertbert:
So you’re a figment of my imagination or some new torture device from The Teds. That’s what you are.
The Ex:
I promise I’m not that.
Bertbert:
Oh yeah? Dazzle me with your backstory, then. What are you?
The Ex:
Hm.
Bertbert:
What?
The Ex:
I’ve never really had to explain what I am to someone, and I’m realizing now how ridiculous it sounds.
Bertbert:
Really? Well now you have to tell me.
The Ex:
Okay. I’m an android that can crawl inside people’s heads.
Bertbert:
Really? Well that doesn’t sound THAT ridiculous.
The Ex:
I’m also indestructible and can travel through time and space.
Bertbert:
Okay, that’s more ridiculous.
The Ex:
I was created by someone’s ex-wife to track her husband down and confront him about leaving her.
Bertbert:
Okay, yes, that does sound ridiculous.
The Ex:
See?
Bertbert:
Did you ever find him?
The Ex:
Many times, yes.
Bertbert:
And you are somehow here to rescue me.
The Ex:
Which I guess makes it sound even more ridiculous.
Bertbert:
Yep.
The Ex:
I really am though.
Bertbert:
How are you going to rescue me?
The Ex:
I don’t actually know. I kind of just jumped into your brain, I’m making it up as I go along.
Bertbert:
Okay. Good luck.
The Ex:
Where are we right now? Is this your childhood home or something?
Bertbert:
We’re in a scene from a movie.
The Ex:
What movie?
Bertbert:
Broadcast News. It’s an Earth movie.
The Ex:
That feels kind of random.
Bertbert:
It was the first Earth movie I ever saw. It made me want to be a journalist. In this scene, a very qualified journalist is sent home during breaking news because they don’t look good on camera. So they have to sit on their couch, in their robe, drinking, while the world goes on without them. I think because I’m in this weird purgatory, this is how my brain interprets it. The most depressing scene from my favorite movie. Drink?
The Ex:
No thanks.
Bertbert:
More for me, then.
The Ex:
BertBert, you’re not actually in a scene from your favorite movie. You’re a prisoner of the Teds. They're using you to spout propaganda all over the place.
Bertbert:
Yeah, I know.
The Ex:
So… So that’s bad.
Bertbert:
Sure sounds bad.
The Ex:
So… Let’s get out of here.
Bertbert:
Why?
The Ex:
So you can… not be a prisoner anymore, it’s weird that I have to explain this.
Bertbert:
Completely overlooking the fact that you have no idea how to get me out of here. What’s the point?
The Ex:
Freedom is good. Also weird explaining that.
Bertbert:
There’s no freedom out there. I fought against the Teds my whole life, look where it got me. Sounds like a frying pan into the fire situation to me.
The Ex:
You know I heard one of your old broadcasts. You sounded like a very passionate person, not a “drinking in your robe on the couch” person.
Bertbert:
“Drinking in your robe on the couch” comes for us all one day, kiddo.
The Ex:
You know, things are changing outside your head. People are starting to rebel against the Teds. There’s this broadcast called The Undersignal where they talk about it.
Bertbert:
The Undersignal has been around since I was a baby. They never make any difference. It’s the most efficient form of fascism out there. People can say whatever they want and it doesn’t make a difference.
The Ex:
You know, I would kill for the sense of purpose you used to have. I’ve been having a hard time finding that for myself.
Bertbert:
It’s overrated. Trust me. People let you down. Civilizations let you down. Pretty soon you find yourself traveling through a beautiful universe and all you feel is disappointment. It’s better in here. At least I don’t have to face my failures in here. I can just sit here on the couch. Like Charles Grodin in Broadcast News.
The Ex:
Okay. I’m going to go with some tough love now, BertBert.
Bertbert:
Uh oh. I doubt you can make it any worse for me.
The Ex:
I have a really unfortunate skill.
Bertbert:
Juggling?
The Ex:
You may prefer being in stuck in here. But let’s see if you prefer being stuck in here with your most significant Ex-Boyfriend.
Bertbert:
What?
Sfx: The Ex Transforms.
Leif:
Whoa. Really?
Bertbert:
Leif?
Leif:
Oh! “Old friend”. I get it now.
Sfx: bottle smashing against the wall.
Leif:
WHOA!
Bertbert:
You fucking bastard! My most significant Ex?!
Sfx: Glass hitting the wall.
Leif:
Jesus!
Bertbert:
We were never even in a relationship!
Leif:
Well tell that to your brain because here I am!
Bertbert:
Fine! Hold still!
Sfx: Something else being thrown against the wall.
Leif:
Berts, calm down!
Bertbert:
I hate it when you call me “Berts”!
Sfx: Yet another thing thrown.
Leif:
Stop throwing things!
Bertbert:
There is nothing more infuriating that a good person who refuses to be good!
Leif:
So you’re saying I’m a good person.
Bertbert:
Motherfucker!
Sfx: Another thing.
Leif:
Berts! Listen to me! You’ve got to get out of here, you owe it to everybody in the Triad.
Bertbert:
Don’t you lecture me about responsibilities!
Leif:
Look around. Look at this place, this isn’t where you belong.
Bertbert:
“Nobody belongs anywhere”, that’s what you always said. “Corks in the ocean just bobbing around, going with the flow.” That was you. Tell me more about where I belong!
Leif:
I was wrong, Berts. I found a place where I belong. It feels weird to say it, but it’s true. Because of that I can’t leave you someplace where you don’t belong.
Bertbert:
I don’t belong out there. Everything’s moved on without me.
Leif:
That’s bullshit and you know it.
Bertbert:
Years of banging my head against the wall and for what? They turned me into a fucking Weather Girl.
Leif:
BertBert, I know it sucks. Look, forget about all that. Forget about the Teds, forget about The Triad, forget about all of it. The number one reason you need to get out of here is this… You’ve become your worst nightmare: Me.
Bertbert:
… Oh God.
Leif:
That’s right, soak it in.
Bertbert:
What the fuck?
Leif:
Any second now you’re going to start collecting baseball cards.
Bertbert:
I have to get out of here.
Leif:
There we go.
Bertbert:
How do I get out of here!?
Leif:
Honestly…
Sfx: Leif transforms into the ex.
The Ex:
I think you just did.
Sfx: The roof of the earth portal building.
Caspar:
Leif, how’s it going down there?
Even Older Leif:
(In earpiece.) Ted Empire, I am your waiter! It is time to pay the check! I have added gratuity!
Caspar:
… Okay… Y’know what, Leif’s Arm? I know the Teds are the bad guys, but looking out over this metropolis I have to say, they have amazing city planning skills, I mean, look at the flow of traffic, it’s beautiful.
Sfx: roof door being ripped off the hinges.
The Ex:
Caspar!
Caspar:
Yeah, we’re up here!
The Ex:
I’ve got her!
Caspar:
Such an MVP, Ex.
Bertbert:
I don’t feel good at all.
The Ex:
How are we getting out of here?
Caspar:
I don’t know, Leif’s arm just brought me up to the roof.
The Ex:
Why?
Sfx: The Nancy Sinatra de-cloaking.
Caspar:
Oh. Look at that. A ship.
Bertbert:
I know that ship. I hate that ship.
Caspar:
Rescuees can’t be choosers, BertBert. Everybody on board.
Sfx: they run up the gang plank and into the ship.
Caspar:
I cannot believe we’re actually about to pull this off.
The Ex:
Wait, how are we getting Leif?
Bertbert:
Leif’s here?
Caspar:
Not really.
The Ex:
We can’t leave without him.
Bertbert:
Gonna vomit…
Caspar:
Bathroom’s around the corner.
Sfx: Bertbert runs around the corner. Nancy Sinatra lifts off from the roof.
Caspar:
What’s her deal?
The Ex:
Oh my God, there’s like a whole thing going on between them.
Caspar:
Oh my God, seriously?
The Ex:
Wait, where are we going?
Caspar:
I don’t know, The Arm’s driving.
Sfx: thrusters firing.
Caspar:
WHOA!
Sfx: the lobby of earth portal. circuits buzz and things are on fire. even older leif is out of breath as he throws his empty gun to the ground.
Even Older Leif:
Now that was cathartic. This place looks much better when it’s full of holes.
Harsteen:
(Behind a barricade.) You’re out of ammunition, Leif.
Even Older Leif:
Yeah. All good things come to an end.
Harsteen:
So, let’s review. What have you accomplished here today other than destroying our lobby?
Even Older Leif:
I was never one for racking up accomplishments. Just experiences. And this was one hell of an experience.
Harsteen:
I’m glad we could oblige. Any last words before you’re frozen in a block of chemical ice?
Even Older Leif:
I think I’ll pass on deep-cold storage, if you don’t mind… These boots were made for walkin’.
Sfx: the Nancy Sinatra comes crashing through the lobby. Total chaos. Door swings open.
Caspar:
Is this the drive through?
The Ex:
Leif, let’s go!
Even Older Leif:
Looks like my ride’s here. Better luck next time, Teds. Just a parting thought: all empires last roughly 250 years. The Ted Empire built its first warp gate 248 years ago. These next two years are gonna be wild!
Sfx: thrusters fire and the Nancy Sinatra takes off into the sky.
Harsteen:
Oh my goodness. That. Is. FanTAStic television! Alright people, I want to see everyone’s footage in the editing bay. Ratings gold, baby!
Sfx: the hum of the Nancy Sinatra.
The Ex:
He was crawling though the air ducts with your arm!
Even Older Leif:
Amazing.
Caspar:
We were a good team, the arm and I. Leif, I don’t even know who’s running the show anymore. Is it you or the arm?
Even Older Leif:
I don’t even know myself.
The Ex:
So I fell ass backwards into a whole lot of backstory when I was in BertBert’s head, Leif. What’s the hot goss? Who was BertBert?
Even Older Leif:
It’s a long and complicated story.
Caspar:
I’ve got time.
The Ex:
I’m immortal, he’s 173 years old, we’ve got all the time in the world.
Caspar:
Oh, hey, BertBert.
Bertbert:
I’m done throwing up now.
Caspar:
Congratulations.
Bertbert:
Who the fuck are you people?
Caspar:
Right. Well, um, we run a diner.
Bertbert:
What?
Even Older Leif:
Hard to know where to start with this one.
Bertbert:
You’re not Leif.
Even Older Leif:
Uh…
Bertbert:
This is Leif’s ship but you’re not Leif.
Even Older Leif:
I’m his dad.
Bertbert:
His dad?
Even Older Leif:
Leif was a little occupied so he gave me the keys to his ship and me and my crew came and got you.
Bertbert:
Leif’s parents run a food co-op in Eureka, California.
Even Older Leif:
Shit. I forgot about that memory of yours.
Bertbert:
My what?
Caspar:
You know what? Let’s just embrace some honesty here. All we’re doing now is waiting around for a signal from the diner so let’s all gather around the campfire and share some stories.
Sfx: terminal beeps.
Even Older Leif:
Hang on. Avast, I see the great white whale.
Caspar:
Is it the diner?
Even Older Leif:
We found it.
The Ex:
That’s great!
Bertbert:
What are we talking about?
Even Older Leif:
Outer rim of Triangulum, weird. There’s nothing out there.
Caspar:
Doesn’t matter, can we get there in time?
Even Older Leif:
It’s going to be tight but we can make it.
Bertbert:
Did you say, outer rim of Triangulum?
Even Older Leif:
Yeah.
Bertbert:
Let me see… I know where that is.
The Ex:
What’s out there?
Bertbert:
Wind chimes.
Caspar:
Wind chimes?
Bertbert:
Where’s your comms terminal?
Even Older Leif:
It’s-
Bertbert:
Never mind, I know where it is.
Caspar:
What are you doing?
Sfx: very fast typing.
Bertbert:
Filing some breaking fucking news. Leif, or whoever you are, get us to the outer rim of Triangulum. The rest of you start talking.
Caspar:
I can’t believe we actually found it.
Even Older Leif:
Alright, then. Who’s in the mood for a Monte Cristo?
Sfx: the Nancy Sinatra fires her thrusters.
The end