We're currently in beta! If you find any mistakes in the scripts, please copy the link and send it to
issues@podscripts.app so we can fix it.
Midnight burger
Chapter 9: Solitary, Poor, Nasty, Brutish, and Short.
Song: SMith’s sacred singers, life’s railway to heaven.
Leif:
So tell me honestly... what do you think of my cooking?
Gloria:
Ooh, Leif, I don’t know. I mean, how honest do we want to get here?
Leif:
Oh, come on!
Gloria:
I’m kidding, I think you’re a great cook.
Leif:
Thank you.
Gloria:
For an engineer.
Leif:
Goddamn it.
Gloria:
I don’t understand, you’re an engineer, why have you been wandering around the universe working as a cook?
Leif:
It’s the curse of being an Earthling.
Gloria:
What do you mean?
Leif:
I think I mentioned this before, to most spacefaring civilizations Earth is kind of uh....
Gloria:
The other side of the tracks?
Leif:
Yeah. A lot of star cruisers rolling up their windows as they drive past us, if you know what I mean.
Gloria:
That’s hilarious.
Leif:
If you own a spaceship you’re not going to trust your Helical Accelerator to the guy whose entire planet is still fueled by setting shit on fire.
Gloria:
But they trust you to cook?
Leif:
That’s the hilarious part. No matter where I go, people love Earth food.
Gloria:
They do? Why?
Leif:
Because it’s so wildly irresponsible. Think about it, Earth food, it’s really bad for you. How much of what’s on your food even needs to be there?
Gloria:
But that’s how you make it taste good.
Leif:
Which makes sense to you and me, but for most alien races it’s this bizarre, foreign concept.
Gloria:
Get the fuck out of here.
Leif:
Some aliens will take vacations on Earth just for the food.
Gloria:
Even though they think it’s a dumpster fire?
Leif:
Correct.
Gloria:
So is this like when rich people go on vacation and then they would come back and talk about what a mess the whole country was and “ O h my God it’s so dirty” and then they would say, “But the food was amazing!”
Leif:
Exactly. That’s us. That’s Earth. Haven’t you ever wondered why there’s so many weirdos eating at roadside diners?
Gloria:
They’re aliens?
Leif:
Nine times out of ten.
Gloria:
So I was feeding aliens way before I came here.
Leif:
No doubt about it.
Gloria:
HA!
Caspar:
Hey, guys. What’s going on?
Gloria:
Leif was just telling me how we all come from a dumpster fire.
Caspar:
It’s true, Earth is the bar in Roadhouse before Patrick Swayze shows up. Where’s Ava?
Gloria:
Out in the parking lot again.
Leif:
She’s been like this for three days now, maybe we should do something?
Gloria:
How do you think that would go?
Caspar:
We found a dead Russian scientist in the deep freeze, Leif. It kind of spooked her. Just let her be spooked.
Gloria:
On the bright side, Effie and Zebulon have been back to normal for the past few days.
Caspar:
I know, it’s been nice. We should get one of those signs that says “This many days since an accident”.
Leif:
Yeah, except ours would say “This many day since your sentient radio quoted the Egyptian Book of the Dead, switched personalities, or steered you into a supermassive black hole.”
Caspar:
... That’s way too long for a sign, Leif.
Gloria:
Yeah, Leif, that’s way too long.
Leif:
I was kidding.
Zebulon:
My friends, we are growing close to our destination, I trust we are prepared.
Caspar:
Prepared as we can be, Zeb.
Gloria:
Hey, Effie, any visions of our destination?
Zebulon:
Ah... yes, well, actually my wife has fallen quite ill and could not join me at this time.
Gloria:
Oh no.
Caspar:
What?
Zebulon:
Yes, she has quite the fever at the moment. She has yet to be freed from it.
Leif:
That sounds serious.
Gloria:
Does she need to see a doctor?
Zebulon:
I’m afraid the nearest doctor is many miles away. It may be unwise in her infirmed state to take her on such a long journey. She’s sleeping now, hopefully when she awakes her fever will have broken.
Gloria:
When I was a kid my mom used to give me really spicy soup to sweat it out of me, do you have anything like that?
Zebulon:
I’m afraid we don’t indulge in such immoderations.
Gloria:
Oh, the whites.
Caspar:
Let us know when she wakes up, Zeb.
Zebulon:
I will indeed, until then we will have to make do with one Mucklewain, though it does feel strange to be sat in front of the microphone without her.
Leif:
I’m sure she’ll be okay.
Caspar:
I’m going to go check on Ava.
Sfx: door chime.
Caspar:
Oh, hey.
Ava:
Almost time?
Caspar:
Yeah, almost time.
Ava:
I’m at my booth.
Leif:
I’m going to go fire up the grill.
Caspar:
How are you?
Ava:
Fine. You?
Caspar:
Effie’s sick, she has a fever.
Ava:
Huh.
Caspar:
That’s never happened before.
Ava:
Nothing a little prayer won’t fix, I’m sure.
Caspar:
Okay. So it’s going to be like this?
Ava:
Like what?
Caspar:
Nothing. Do you want some coffee?
Ava:
I think it’s a “skip straight to moonshine” day for me, thanks. You know where to find me.
Caspar:
And you know where to find the moonshine.
Zebulon:
Lord, may our work in the new world be an instrument of your grace...
Gloria:
Here we go.
Sfx: boom zip. Pow. The new world appears.
Gloria:
Okay... this looks... super normal. This looks like Wyoming or something. I’ve never been to Wyoming. This is how I imagine Wyoming.
Caspar:
Yeah, I imagine Wyoming like this too, although wait, look. See the horizon?
Gloria:
What is that?
Caspar:
It’s a glacier wall. Looks like we’re in the ice-age-ish.
Zebulon:
I’m am getting a strange sense that we have been to this place before.
Caspar:
We’ve been to the ice-age before.
Zebulon:
Yes, but this exact place.
Caspar:
Why do you say that?
Zebulon:
It’s hard to explain. I believe Leif refers to it as “vibes”.
Gloria:
Zebulon, you can’t say “vibes”, it doesn’t sound right.
Zebulon:
Very well, Gloria. Shall I say “perturbations”?
Gloria:
I don’t know what it means, so it’s way better.
Ava:
Someone’s coming... oh shit.
Caspar:
Is that who I think it is?
Ava:
Yes.
Caspar:
Aw, snails.
Zebulon:
Perhaps it’s best that my wife is asleep at this time.
Gloria:
Who’s this chick?
Caspar:
Old friend of Ava’s.
Gloria:
Really?
Caspar:
She’s also the worst.
Sfx: door chime.
Jane:
Well hello there, Midnight Burger!
Caspar:
Welcome back, Jane.
Jane:
Did you miss me?
Caspar:
Sure.
Jane:
Hello, Doctor.
Ava:
Hello, Doctor.
Jane:
Oh, hey. You’re new.
Gloria:
Hi.
Jane:
Help me get this backpack off, would you?
Gloria:
Uh, sure.
Jane:
Oooof!
Sfx: huge backpack hits the floor.
Jane:
Oh my God, that’s a RELEIF!
Caspar:
What brings us to your neighborhood, Jane. Being chased by a woolly rhino?
Jane:
They went extinct about five thousand years ago, Caspar, but thank you so much for playing. Where is my BOYFRIEND!
Leif:
(From the kitchen) Is that Jane?
Jane:
Get out here, you!
Leif:
Holy shit!
Jane:
Well HELlo, Sailor.
Leif:
What the hell?!
Jane:
Leif, I have been studying in the field for six long years and now MAMA WANTS HER BISCUITS!
Leif:
O...kay!
Jane:
Get up on that roof!
Leif:
I’m going!
Jane:
Don’t make me chase you!
Sfx: back door closes.
Jane:
Oh, man. Doctor, I am dying to catch up but if I don’t go bang one out with Leif I think my whole downstairs may crumble to dust!
Ava:
God forbid.
Jane:
I’ll be back!
Ava:
You’re disgusting.
Jane:
I know! Hey, Talking Radio!
Zebulon:
Uh, yes, hello.
Sfx: back door closes.
Ava:
Hurricane Jane is what we called her.
Gloria:
Friend of yours?
Ava:
College roommate.
Caspar:
What is she doing back here?
Ava:
What are we doing back here?
Gloria:
Aren’t these my questions?
Caspar:
She was Ava’s college roommate, she’s a what?
Ava:
Evolutionary biologist.
Caspar:
Right, whatever that is. We picked her up at one point, once she wrapped her mind around what the diner was she thought she would try and hitch a ride back to the stone age to study what?
Ava:
Humans.
Caspar:
Right. She’s uh... She’s a lot.
Gloria:
I can tell.
Caspar:
She was prepared to snap the tether and just spend the rest of her life studying cave men but now, here we are back again.
Gloria:
And her and Leif?
Ava:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Gross.
Ava:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Well... at least it’s not imminent death, am I right?
Ava:
I mean...
Caspar:
Sort of...
Gloria:
Guys, she can’t be that bad.
Caspar:
Like I said. She’s a lot.
Sfx: small transistor radio playing slow jams.
Jane:
Whooo! Thank God you showed up when you did, I really needed that.
Leif:
My pleasure.
Jane:
What’s with this little radio? How are you getting a reception?
Leif:
I made it. It’s my little secret. Whenever we’re on an Earth that has radio stations I have this little pocket radio that captures music and stores it. I listen to it when I’m up here.
Jane:
Does the talking radio downstairs know about this?
Leif:
They do not. I love Effie and Zebulon to death but sometimes you just want to hear some music that was made after the great depression, know what I mean?
Jane:
And you’re adorably playing slow-jams on it for your pre-historical hook-up.
Leif:
That I am.
Jane:
Oh, Leafy. These six years have been amazing. I’ve learned so much.
Leif:
Oh yeah? Give me some highlights.
Jane:
Ummm... Oh, okay. Remember how I had you make me that isotope tracker?
Leif:
Yeah, how’d it work out?
Jane:
Amazing. I was literally able to track food calories as they travelled through their bodies.
Leif:
Sweet, what does that mean?
Jane:
Well, your average office worker back home burns about 2500 calories a day, right? Guess how many calories your average hunter-gatherer burns?
Leif:
Um, a crazy amount, ten-thousand.
Jane:
Nope. Also 2500 calories.
Leif:
What?
Jane:
A hunter-gatherer human burns the exact same amount of calories in a day as an average modern human who works in an office and drives a Prius.
Leif:
How is that possible?
Jane:
How is that possible, Leif?
Leif:
You tell me.
Jane:
No way to know for sure without a lab. It basically means that the human body, whether it sits at a desk or forages in a field, burns 2500 calories no matter what we do. Which means that modern man, not having to burn calories on chasing down wild game, burns it some other way.
Leif:
Like what?
Jane:
My guess? Inflammation, anxiety, auto-immune responses, all of these things are the human body basically putting the pedal to the metal when the car is in park. I guess it spends it there.
Leif:
I think I’d rather spend calories on anxiety than on running away from a saber-toothed tiger.
Jane:
Leif, do you know how rare those are? I’ve been here six years and I never saw one. I saw bison, I saw small critters-
Sfx: roar of distant megafauna.
Jane:
Oh oh oh, AND... I saw those. C’mere.
Leif:
What?
Jane:
See? There’s a herd of them by that creek.
Leif:
Oh... wow. Those things are huge, what are they?
Jane:
Glyptodons.
Leif:
Are they turtles?
Jane:
More like huge armadillos.
Leif:
Those are armadillos, they’re the size of a car!
Jane:
I know, they’re so cute, right? Look while you can, they’ll all be dead soon.
Leif:
Why? There’s not a meteor coming is there?
Jane:
No, my sexy friend, the only meteor headed their way is our distant relatives... We’re on the brink of it right now. The end of the Younger Dryas. Pretty soon humans will figure out that the glaciers are retreating for the last time and it will be open season on anything that moves. The great Holocene extinction will begin. They’ll wipe out their food source, then realize they screwed themselves, then grow bigger brains to figure out how to un-screw themselves, then they’ll start keeping animals, and farming. Once they figure that out their brains will shrink again and before you know it... they’ll be us.
Leif:
Just like that?
Jane:
Just like that. Kind of sad, actually.
Leif:
It’s evolution though, right? It’s your field of study.
Jane:
I guess. You ever wonder if things could be different?
Leif:
How do you mean?
Jane:
I don’t know... Just different.
Leif:
You know a little while ago I got visited by not one, but two future versions of myself.
Jane:
Oh, you did?
Leif:
I did. Since then I have sworn off wondering about how things could be different.
Jane:
(Descending the roof ladder.) That’s the problem with you, Leif. You’re so laid back you never decide to get weird with it.
Leif:
I get plenty weird with it.
Jane:
Come down here, I want to show you something.
Leif:
Okay, sure... uh... Jane? Who are you friends?
Jane:
These are my people, Leif. Come down and say hi.
Sfx: Coffee pouring.
Ava:
I didn’t ask for coffee, I asked for moonshine.
Caspar:
I’m giving you coffee.
Zebulon:
Should it really be acceptable for two unmarried persons to just... go up there and... do such things?
Gloria:
Relax, Zebulon.
Zebulon:
There’s not even a roof above them.
Gloria:
C’mon, you and Effie never did it in the back of a pick-up truck?
Zebulon:
We do not have an automobile!
Gloria:
What does an evolutionary biologist do?
Ava:
Studies the biological processes of evolution. Natural selection, speciation, all that garbage. She’s brilliant in her field, apparently. I’d always see her getting grants and awards.
Gloria:
But wait, if she hitched a ride on Midnight Burger to get back to the ice age, there was no way for her to get back again.
Ava:
Right.
Caspar:
She said something about “growing beyond writing papers and working in a lab”. Wanting to “Be the science”.
Ava:
She’s nuts.
Zebulon:
Evolution, you say?
Gloria:
Uh oh.
Zebulon:
I have deep concerns about this woman. I read in The Gazette about a whole dust up regarding this evolution business. It all happened right across the river in Tennessee.
Caspar:
Zeb, you’ve met her before, this is not news.
Zebulon:
Yes, well, sometimes Effie may do a bit of the listening for me as I am so focused on the scripture.
Gloria:
Scopes Monkey Trial!
Ava:
... What?
Gloria:
Zeb’s talking about the Scopes Money Trial.
Zebulon:
Yes, that was it. It involved a school teacher by the name of Scopes.
Gloria:
Sorry, I get excited when I know things around here.
Zebulon:
Sounded like quite a mess. People came from miles around. I tell you this, I do not know what happens to one’s disposition once they cross east of that Mississippi river. Monkey talk.
Sfx: Back door opens.
Jane:
Well that did the trick.
Caspar:
Where’s Leif?
Jane:
Leif’s going to need a moment. I may have sprained something in him. Could I ask someone to make me some sort of food that isn’t roasted over a campfire?
Caspar:
Gloria, would you mind?
Gloria:
Yeah, fine.
Caspar:
Thanks.
Jane:
Caspar, I don’t suppose you’ve gotten your beer and wine license since last we spoke?
Ava:
There’s a jug of moonshine under the counter, bring it over here.
Jane:
Moonshine?!
Caspar:
What could possibly go wrong?
Jane:
Oh, wow. Where did this come from?
Ava:
Harlan, Kentucky. 1934.
Jane:
Of course. This place is wild.
Caspar:
So, Jane, any idea why the diner came back here? Please tell me it’s not for whatever just happened on the roof.
Jane:
I know exactly why I’m here.
Sfx: jug setting down on the table. Two glasses being poured.
Jane:
I’m here to talk to my old colleague.
Ava:
I can’t be your colleague, we’re not in the same field.
Jane:
Is that how that works?
Ava:
Yes.
Jane:
Okay, fine. I’m here to talk to my old roommate.
Ava:
Oh really? And why is that?
Jane:
The diner hasn’t come for me, Ava. It’s come for you.
Ava:
You don’t say.
Jane:
It’s brought you to me, so that I can sit here and say to you... It’s time to quit.
Ava:
To quit?
Jane:
Yes.
Ava:
Quit what?
Jane:
Science. Research. Notes. The whole shebang. It’s time to quit.
Ava:
Why would I do that?
Jane:
Leif was telling me he got a visitation from a couple of future versions of himself a while back.
Ava:
He did.
Jane:
Well, consider this a visitation from the past. For six years I have been camping out at the very beginnings of our species. I have glimpsed the origins of us. I am here to tell you, with authority... we fucked it all up.
Ava:
We did?
Jane:
Yes.
Ava:
Who, exactly?
Jane:
All of us. Collectively. Like, as a species, we fucked up our species, everything you’ve been doing is pointless, you should stop, I should stop, everybody should stop.
Ava:
Is this an actual conversation we’re having or is this one of those conversations where you say things just to get everyone to look at you?
Jane:
Fair point, fair point. I definitely do that. And I must say it is intoxicating to talk to people that actually understand the words coming out of my mouth after six years in a land of no complex language. BUT. I am serious. This is serious. You have to quit.
Ava:
But I don’t want to quit.
Jane:
Yes you do. I can see it.
Caspar:
Jane, what the hell are you talking about?
Jane:
Sorry. Let me start from the beginning. Six years ago, Midnight Burger dropped me off at the end of the last great Ice Age. Leif had really set me up, I had all kinds of wonderful whizz-bangs and whirly-gigs. I was going to be able to observe early homo-sapiens from afar without them ever knowing I was there. So I did. I found a nice little nomadic tribe of humans making their way across what would one day be central Europe, I think. And as I watched them, over the course of a year, I began to think about Thomas Hobbes. Anyone? Thomas Hobbes?
Caspar:
Who is that?
Zebulon:
I am familiar with the work of Mr. Hobbes.
Jane:
What?! The talking radio? So you’ve actually read something other than the Bible?
Zebulon:
It may surprise you to know that I am quite well read, though I tend to stay with the things that are... my vibe.
Gloria:
(From the kitchen.) Still no, Zeb.
Jane:
Do me a favor. Do you have a copy of “Leviathan”?
Zebulon:
I do.
Jane:
Bring it down off the shelf for me, I want you to read a passage. Chapter eight.
Zebulon:
One moment.
Gloria:
Okay, one plate of food that is not a Mastodon or whatever.
Jane:
That looks amazing.
Gloria:
What’d I miss?
Caspar:
Jane is apparently here to convince Ava to quit being a scientist.
Gloria:
What? Why?
Caspar:
We’re still trying to figure that out.
Gloria:
She’s not going to quit being a scientist.
Jane:
She really should though.
Gloria:
No she shouldn’t. She great at it, you don’t quit something you’re great at.
Jane:
How do you know she’s great at it?
Gloria:
Because when she talks about it I have no idea what she’s saying. That means she’s great at it.
Jane:
I know it feels that way to you-
Gloria:
To me? Oh, to me, it feels that way to me, what’s that mean?
Jane:
No, I’m saying-
Gloria:
You know what, give me that hamburger.
Jane:
No, please don’t, new girl, I’m so sorry.
Gloria:
My name is Gloria and I don’t like what’s going on right now. Who are you, lady?
Jane:
I’m not trying to upset anyone, I just think this is an important conversation for us to have about Ava’s future.
Gloria:
Well, Ava’s a big girl, she can take care of herself. But I don’t like you, so you don’t get a hamburger while you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing.
Jane:
But I’m so hungry.
Gloria:
Oh are you? Are you so hungry, lady who didn’t even ask me my name? I’m going to sit here at this counter and eat your hamburger, and I’m watching you. Get on with your nonsense.
Zebulon:
I have returned.
Gloria:
(To Caspar) Sorry, was that bad customer service?
Caspar:
It was very bad customer service and I am now going to discipline you with this high five.
Sfx: High five sound.
Zebulon:
Chapter eight.
Jane:
So, once upon a time Thomas Hobbes tried to describe the nightmare that life would be if we had no society. Start with the passage “In such condition...”
Zebulon:
In such condition, in such, in such, Ah. Here. “In such condition, there is no place for industry; because the fruit thereof is uncertain: and consequently no culture of the earth; no navigation, nor use of the commodities that may be imported by sea; no commodious building; no instruments of moving, and removing, such things as require much force; no knowledge of the face of the earth; no account of time; no arts; no letters; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear, and danger of violent death; and the life of man-”
Jane:
“- solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” Ava, I watched these people for six years, and all of those things that Hobbes describes... I saw none of it. These people are happy. They have community, they love each other, they protect each other-
Ava:
They check each other for tics.
Jane:
They do. They do that, and you know what? It’s sweet.
Ava:
It’s tics, Jane.
Caspar:
Jane, I don’t think your argument is landing, what are you getting at here? What does this have to do with Ava?
Jane:
It was all a waste. My life’s work, Ava’s life work, our collective life’s work of making the society we live in, it was all a waste. The humans I’ve been studying, they’re happier than us. In some ways healthier than us. They don’t shut themselves off from each other, they draw each other close.
Ava:
Yeah, I don’t want to draw people close.
Jane:
Ava, why do we do this? These scientific endeavors, why do we put ourselves through years of school, navigate the bullshit halls of academia? We convince ourselves that it all moves everything forward towards some sort of glorious end, right? It doesn’t. Over thousands of years all we’ve managed to do is make ourselves more miserable, more alone, sicker. Our only achievement through the centuries appears to be the towering mountain of things we have convinced ourselves of.... I know you feel it too. I can see it in your eyes. Did something happen? Something shake your tree a little bit?
Ava:
... Let’s have another drink.
Jane:
Good.
Gloria:
(To Caspar) This is some bullshit.
Caspar:
(To Gloria) This is definitely some class A bullshit but I feel like Ava’s in kind of a vulnerable place right now, so we should, y’know, knives out.
Gloria:
(To Caspar) Definitely knives out. Zebulon, knives out.
Zebulon:
I don’t know what that means, but I believe I understand the vibe.
Gloria:
... That was better.
Caspar:
Yeah, he’s getting better, keep working on it, Zebulon... Jane. We’re calling bullshit.
Jane:
Okay, then. Come at me, bro.
Caspar:
Jane, here’s the thing. You’re saying that mankind was at it’s purest and happiest when we were hunter-gatherers, right?
Jane:
Yes.
Caspar:
And that Ava should quit her scientific endeavors because moving society ever forward has just made us more miserable?
Jane:
Also true.
Caspar:
Why change? Things moved forward, we started living in houses, we evolved into a world where somehow corn is in all of our food, we invented baseball. If everything was so perfect, why did we evolve past that?
Jane:
Because evolution is bad.
Caspar:
What?
Gloria:
It’s literally your life’s work.
Jane:
Hey, talking radio, what’s the greatest trick the devil ever pulled?
Zebulon:
Convincing us he doesn’t exist.
Jane:
And the greatest trick evolution ever pulled was convincing us that it was good. Well, I shouldn’t say good. Evolution isn’t good or bad, it’s just a force that is completely and totally unconcerned with your happiness. Evolution and progress aren’t the same thing. The goal of evolution isn’t happiness. Evolution has only one goal: more babies. It will make you do anything it can for you to have more babies. Animal husbandry, complex farming, hierarchical societies, land ownership, colonialism, all of these things led to a cascade of unhappiness and a whole heck of a lot of babies.
Gloria:
And a whole heck of a lot of other things too, right, c’mon.
Jane:
Wow, I did not expect an argument for colonialism.
Gloria:
Oh, shut up, I’m not arguing for colonialism, I’m arguing for air conditioning, and hospitals, and antibiotics, and gelato.
Jane:
This is the question that philosophers have been asking since the modern age. Does all of this progress, all of these modern advancements, do they make us intrinsically happier? You can’t truly know unless you were there before the advancements. I was there for six years. The answer is no.
Zebulon:
I agree with her.
Gloria:
Zeb, knives out!
Zebulon:
But her point is well heard. It is not modern advancements that should give us joy but rather the glory of our Lord, and doing good works in his name.
Jane:
Look at that, I’ve got Jesus on my side!
Zebulon:
But I’ve always thought that your most important words should go last. The last words of the Bible: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Surely the most important part. And the last word in Mr. Habbes writing: short. Their lives were short.
Caspar:
Life span!
Jane:
Here we go.
Caspar:
As a straight white male you know one thing about me: I’ve watched a lot of History Channel. And I know for a fact that the farther back you go, the shorter the life span. Surely a longer life is a good enough reason to evolve.
Jane:
Is it?
Caspar:
Yes. A long life is a good thing.
Jane:
Is it though?
Caspar:
Jane.
Jane:
Okay fine, I’ll grant you that. The modern world we’re all from does seem to afford you a longer life. Congratulations.
Caspar:
Okay, point for us.
Jane:
But let me ask you this: How much of that time is yours? This long life of yours, how much of it belongs to you? Odds are your average modern human will spend the majority of their waking hours in an office somewhere or a restaurant working to mostly benefit someone they’ll never meet. They’ll have a few hours with their loved ones at night and then get a few hours of sleep and then do it all over again the next day. Congratulations on a long life. It doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to your boss.
Caspar:
How is that any different from hunting and gathering all day?
Jane:
They work twenty hours a week, Caspar. For them, when you’re good at your job, it’s over sooner. We think that an affluent society is one where you have everything you want, but the real-
Ava:
- but the real affluent society is the one that wants less things. Jane this is the same diatribe that you would bombard frat guys with at parties, all we need are red cups full of Natural Lite.
Jane:
And the only flaw in my argument back then was lack of evidence. We can’t truly know what life was like for early mankind because we weren’t there. I was there.
Ava:
Then go back to the Planck Institute and make your case.
Jane:
And tell them what? I travelled back in time in a magical diner?
Gloria:
You’re like a reverse Cassandra? You know the past but no one will believe you?
Jane:
Exactly, new girl! She’s good, I like her, can I have my hamburger back?
Gloria:
Nope.
Ava:
Jane, what do you expect me to do at this point?
Jane:
Like I said, the diner didn’t come back here for me, it came back here for you.
Ava:
Well, that was a stupid thing for it to do.
Jane:
I’m not going back home, Ava. I’m staying here. And I think you should come with me.
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
(Laughing) That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life.
Gloria:
Oh my God, is she serious?
Caspar:
This was your plan all along? This was your big pitch?
Zebulon:
Ava? Outdoors? Forever?
Ava:
I’m with you, Zebulon. This is a terrible idea. Jane, what are you thinking?
Jane:
You laugh, but I think you’d come to like it.
Gloria:
How come you’re a doctor but you’re saying the stupidest shit right now?
Zebulon:
I am imagining Ava trying to light a campfire and it is very humorous.
Caspar:
Ava, maybe you should hear her out, you do love being the smartest person in the room and DAMN would you be the smartest person in the room.
Zebulon:
It is funny because cave men are not intelligent!
Caspar:
Aw, Jane. What were you thinking? Did you really think this was going to go your way?
Jane:
I thought I’d give it a shot.
Gloria:
... No... No, she couldn’t have known. This is... you knew it would play out like this.
Caspar:
What’s going on?
Gloria:
She’s stalling. Why is she... Caspar, go check the roof.
Caspar:
Oh, shit.
Sfx: back door closes.
Ava:
What’s going on?
Gloria:
Where’s Leif, Jane?
Jane:
... Damn. I thought I could keep you guys going for longer than this.
Sfx: Back door closes.
Caspar:
Leif’s gone, Jane, where’s Leif?
Jane:
I mean, he could be anywhere, maybe he went to buy real estate in The Bay Are while the prices are still low.
Gloria:
Which kitchen knife should I threaten you with right now?
Jane:
Oooh, she’s feisty, isn’t she?
Ava:
Jane, what did you do?
Jane:
See, Ava, all those times in college when I would go on a rant about the madness of man and the original affluent society, you thought I was just riffing. I meant every word. And now I can actually do something.
Caspar:
How about we skip to the part where the evil mad scientist reveals her plan?
Jane:
He really despises a flare for the dramatic doesn’t he?
Ava:
Jane. Right now.
Jane:
Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. This tribe of people I’ve been studying, it’s going to be about four thousand more years until they develop a God concept. Right now it’s just rudimentary symbology and superstition. But their brains aren’t going to essentially change all that much over four thousand years which means that deep in their gray matter is a vacancy. There’s a God shaped hole in their life, guys. So I, essentially, filled that hole.
Ava:
Holy shit, Jane.
Jane:
I’m their God.
Caspar:
What the fuck?
Jane:
It was easy. Leif had given me all these great tools before I left. I had a laser torch to make fire, I had this cloaking device on my belt so I could disappear right in front of their eyes. What more do you need? I would appear suddenly, set something on fire, and the disappear! They were terrified! It was hilarious. So their God concept developed real quick, and suddenly I was running the show. They’ll do whatever I ask them to... With Leif’s help I’m going to remake the world the way it should’ve been. A simpler one. A happier one.
Zebulon:
This is heresy.
Jane:
Oh relax, Padre, you’re not the innocent one here. You know it’s no coincidence that hierarchical religions arose at the same time as hierarchical societies. “Work hard and you’ll be rewarded in the afterlife!” Any of that sound familiar?
Caspar:
We’re actually done with the theoretical debate portion of the day, Jane, so eyes on me please. Bring Leif back right now.
Jane:
No... No, I can’t do that, Caspar. I need him. About a year ago I had everything set up. I was their God, they were building a shrine, it was going well. But I needed to kick it up a notch. I’m really building something here and I need someone with a particular skill set. “What am I to do?” I asked myself. And then suddenly... there was a diner. I could’ve done this much more seamlessly but when you showed up I knew I only had 12 hours, so I had to improvise. I thought I would come in here and distract you as long as I could while my minions carried Leif back to their village. I thought I’d go for the Hail Mary pass and try and convince Ava to come with me, but who am I kidding? She’s still got work to do... You know they’re never going to let you back in, Ava. You can come back with all the evidence in the world and you’re still going to be the crazy lady they pushed into emeritus status.
Gloria:
Okay, I’m thinking a chair, some rope, and I’ll pour hot coffee on her, let’s do some Guantanamo shit.
Jane:
It’s no use, guys. The only thing you can threaten me with is to take me with you. But if you did you’d be leaving Leif all alone on an ancient Earth. And he’s such a creature of the modern age, isn’t he? And then who do you think my followers will blame when their God abandons them? It’s no use, guys. Leif’s mine. You may as well let me go so that at least he’s not by himself... Besides, who among you can stand against a God?
Effie:
(From the bedroom) Zebulon!
Gloria:
Is that Effie?
Zebulon:
My wife has awakened. Let me check on her.
Effie:
No, I’m here. Give me the microphone! I have returned from my fevered state to a sense of great dread. What sort of nonsense transpires?
Caspar:
Jane is back and she’s kidnapped Leif.
Jane:
Hi, radio lady!
Effie:
I have no patience for the likes of you today, Jane. As I passed through the depths of my sickness I was presented with many visions. Dark clouds gather around us, my friends. Enemies both overt and subtle make their way to our shores. Shadowy figures and overwhelming forces. We will need to be ready. But Jane... of all the troubles in my various fevered visions... ain’t none of them you. You are a waste of our time and our time’s gotten scarce, so will you kindly return Leif to us or will I need to treat you like yesterday’s periodicals and line my chicken coop with you?
Jane:
I don’t even know what that means, look, I’m sure all of you have strong feelings right now but no matter how upset you are, I still have the upper hand. You don’t know where Leif is and it’s a great big world out there. I’m holding all the cards.
Effie:
I am not playing cards. I am not playing with you at all. This is your last chance, Jane. Produce Leif or we will have troubles.
Caspar:
(To Gloria) This is getting ominous.
Gloria:
(To Caspar) I’m a little scared.
Jane:
Leif... is mine. We’re going to make a beautiful world together.
Effie:
So be it, then.
Caspar:
Okay, enough, I’m going to go look for Leif, he can’t be far.
Gloria:
I’ll come with you.
Effie:
No.
Sfx: Front door locks. Back door locks.
Effie:
Everyone stay put.
Gloria:
(To Caspar.) Did the doors to the diner just lock?
Caspar:
They did, Effie what in the Amityville Horror is happening right now?
Effie:
Hush up, Caspar. Why is there always someone like you, Jane? One who thinks themself so big that they can take from the course of creation all its wildness? Do you truly believe that you can shape humanity according to your will?
Jane:
Yes. I do. I’ve been preparing my whole life for it.
Effie:
Lord forgive you. Such folly. Towers of Babel over and over again. We truly never do learn, do we?
Caspar:
Effie, I know it’s upsetting but we really do need to find Leif.
Effie:
Never you mind Caspar. I shall find him myself...
Sfx: sound of a campfire and a village.
Leif:
So... you guys do cave paintings at all? I hear those are popular... I tell you what, a lot of artists worry that their work wont make a lasting impression, but the cave paintings... evergreen, you guys. Great stuff... What we eating right now? Is it that armadillo thing? If so, that’s impressive, it’s covered in armor I don’t know how you find the weak spot... The village is nice. I mean, I know it’s temporary but it’s got a really “homey” feel to it. Feels “lived in” y’know?... How often do you guys move? Probably with the seasons, right? Bet that’s a bummer... Hey since Jane’s decided to totally mess with the timeline I should really show you guy the wheel. You’re gonna love wheels, they really change the game... Y’know, since we’re bumping up against a language barrier here, I would like to just admit out loud that I have terrible taste in women. Real bad. Really should take a look at that in the future. If I have one.
Effie:
(Whispering from inside Leif’s pocket radio) Leif? Leif can you hear me?
Leif:
Effie? How did you know about my radio?
Zebulon:
We have always known about it.
Effie:
We didn’t want to intrude.
Zebulon:
And we did enjoy when you would play the Bay City Rollers.
Effie:
But that’s neither here nor there. We must act quickly.
Leif:
I’m not sure what I can do, these guys are huge and fast and for some reason they’re doing whatever Jane tells them to do.
Effie:
It’s because she has used the new-fangled gadgetry you have afforded her to appear to them as a God.
Leif:
She promised me she wouldn’t do that.
Effie:
And are we surprised at this juncture that she deceived you?
Leif:
No, no we’re not.
Zebulon:
We must extract you from your captivity before it is too late, Leif.
Leif:
How?
Effie:
Here is the plan: It gives me no pleasure to say it but I believe we must combat Jane’s idolatry with even more idolatry.
Leif:
Yeah... yeah, I hear you.
Effie:
When Zebulon starts up, just be ready to be impressive.
Leif:
Got it... Be impressive.
Sfx: campfire fades
Jane:
Mind if I sit?
Ava:
Sure, why not?
Jane:
So the sentient radio controls things around here? I didn’t pick up on that last time.
Ava:
That is a very new development. There’s been a lot of those lately.
Jane:
Any closer to the mysteries of the universe?
Ava:
Are you seriously making small talk with me after you kidnapped Leif while pretending to be a primitive Cave God?
Jane:
I feel kind of guilty. I feel like I’ve really discovered something in my field and you may never have a moment like that.
Ava:
That’s true. But I do comfort myself in that fact that you are out of your fucking mind, and I am not.
Jane:
That’s fair. I’m right though, Ava. My evil plans aside, I was right about everything I said. Right here, at this point in history, this is where we started really hurting ourselves.
Ava:
Jane, we’re human beings. We all have third-degree black belts in hurting ourselves. No matter how deeply you study human beings, you’re never going to be able to make them something they’re not.
Gloria:
(To Caspar) What do you think they’re talking about over there?
Caspar:
I don’t know. They’re probably speaking in some sort of science language.
Gloria:
Probably not even words. It probably sounds like a dial-up modem.
Caspar:
Exactly.
Gloria:
Hey, Caspar?
Caspar:
Yeah?
Gloria:
After we get Leif back, I feel like things are about to get weird.
Caspar:
Yeah. I get that sense.
Gloria:
Don’t worry though. When they do I’ll take care of it.
Caspar:
Oh yeah? You’re going to take care of it?
Gloria:
I’ve got it handled. But I’m going to ask for a raise.
Caspar:
A raise? In this economy?
Gloria:
You know what else?
Caspar:
What?
Gloria:
This shift is a total catastrophe. But Leif... he got laid.
Caspar:
He did, didn’t he?
Gloria:
I’ve decided I’m going to work on that.
Caspar:
Oh yeah?
Gloria:
Yeah, my last date was with a dying robot, how much worse could it get?
Caspar:
True. You know what I think would work? Bespar-9 in the Megellanic Clouds.
Gloria:
Okay. What’s going on there?
Caspar:
The whole planet is covered with one hundred foot tall pine trees.
Gloria:
How does that help me?
Caspar:
It’s literally a planet of lumberjacks.
Gloria:
Ooooh. Now were talking. We gotta figure out how to steer this fucking thing.
Caspar:
We really do.
Gloria:
Oh, shit.
Caspar:
What?
Gloria:
We’re surrounded by cave men.
Caspar:
We are? Oh shit. What now?
Gloria:
There’s Leif!
Leif:
(From outside) Behold! I am Leif! The God of the talking box! All will love me and despair!
Zebulon:
(From outside) Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places!
Leif:
Yeah! What he said!
Jane:
Ugh. Look at him. Such a hottie.
Ava:
Gross.
Jane:
Okay, I give up, whoever runs this place, time to unlock the doors and exchange prisoners.
Sfx: doors unlock.
Jane:
Thank you. Goodbye, Doctor.
Ava:
Goodbye, Doctor.
Sfx: door chime. Feet walking on gravel.
Jane:
You make a good God.
Leif:
I was thinking about it on the walk over here, I’d make a pretty good God. No fire or brimstone, just the God of hanging out, right?
Jane:
Exactly. Sorry about the mess.
Leif:
Not the biggest mess I’ve been in.
Jane:
Does having you kidnapped maybe count as a romantic gesture at all?
Leif:
To me it does, and that is absolutely the problem with me.
Jane:
Goodbye, Leafy.
Leif:
Good luck controlling the world.
Sfx: door chime.
Leif:
He is risen!
Gloria:
Leif, if you have a little black book, please burn it.
Leif:
No kidding.
Caspar:
Welcome back, Leif. So if Effie and Zeb were in your radio, where are they now?
Zebulon:
We are now returned to our proper place... though I’ve no idea how, my dear.
Effie:
Yes. I am not so certain myself. Y’all I was deep in my sickness for many an hour. I saw things I do not yet understand and understand things that were once obscured to me. I have emerged a changed woman. There is much to discuss, but first I speak with Ava privately. Could you please give us a moment? Ava, can you come here, please?
Ava:
Sure.
Caspar:
What is this about?
Gloria:
Caspar, come on.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ava:
What’s going on?
Effie:
Ava, while I slept I believe I had a vision of the future. I was flung far forward into time’s narrow valley and there I found myself in a jungle. I have never seen a jungle before, I can only imagine from what I have seen in children’s books, but I believe it was the jungle. I saw someone there amidst the broad leaves. I believe it was my granddaughter. She had my mother’s hair. She had Zebulon’s square chin. Her eyes were my own. She looked up to the vast array of stars but I feel as though she was not looking at them. She was listening. Is that possible Ava? For one to listen to the stars?
Ava:
Yes, it’s called a radio telescope.
Effie:
I see. So she could be a scientist like you, my granddaughter?
Ava:
If she was using a radio telescope that would make her an astronomer, yes. Effie are you... I can’t believe I don’t know this, do you have children?
Zebulon:
The doctor has told us-
Effie:
I know what the doctor has told us, Dearest. I know what my visions have told me.
Zebulon:
Oh... Oh my.
Effie:
Ava, I will need you to be brave now.
Ava:
Okay.
Effie:
I have returned with the notion that there is something in your mind. There is something that you have wanted to do for some time now but you have been afraid to do it for fear of how the others will react. Is that true?
Ava:
Yes.
Effie:
You must do it, Ava. And you must do it now.
Ava:
I can’t.
Effie:
You must.
Ava:
They’ll hate me.
Effie:
They will forgive you. You must, Ava. I’ve seen it.
Ava:
Goddamn it.
Effie:
Watch your mouth, now.
Ava:
Are you sure?
Effie:
I have been sent back from the brink of death with nothing but certainty. Give me your hand, my Love.
Zebulon:
Yes, dear. Go on then, Ava.
Ava:
Goodbye.
Sfx: the radio dial being turned through wave after wave of static.
Caspar:
Ava! Ava Ava, what are you doing?
Gloria:
Ava, stop!
Leif:
Holy shit!
Caspar:
Ava!
Leif:
Oh shit, we’re jumping early, everybody hang onto something!
Sfx: the diner plunges into the currents of space-time. Noise and chaos eventually leads to silence and then to a deep and ressonant pulsating and static from the radio.
Leif:
Everybody okay?
Gloria:
Fine.
Caspar:
Effie? Zebulon?
Ava:
I’m sorry.
Caspar:
What did you do?!
Ava:
I’m sorry!
Caspar:
Where the hell are we?
Gloria:
We’re floating in space again.
Caspar:
Leif, any idea where we are?... Leif?
Leif:
What the hell is that?
Caspar:
What the hell is... holy shit.
Gloria:
That isn’t the supermassive black hole again, is it?
Leif:
Nope.
Gloria:
Then what is it?
Leif:
It’s a big, malevolent, thing.
Gloria:
That’s bigger than the black hole.
Leif:
It’s an entire lightyear wide. At least.
Gloria:
Anyone else getting the feeling that it’s looking at us?
Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Ava, what the fuck did you do?
Ava:
I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...