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Midnight burger
Chapter 10: Big, Malevolent Thing.
Sfx: SIlence in the diner except for the pulsating big, malevolent thing. From the parking lot we can hear the occasional zap of an arc welder.
Gloria:
I had a friend who went crazy one time. Me and my girlfriends we all made a deal that when we graduated from high school, we would get the hell out of Tucson. So we did. We all went to Phoenix, two and a half hours away but it felt like the other side of the world. I got a job at a, ooof, I got a job at a Jack in the Box. That was rough. But it was my new life in a new city, that was nice. Anyway, one friend of mine never made it out. Rosa. She just stayed with her parents, could never really pull the rip chord. She just got stuck. She was always a little weird. So, one day, years later, one of my girlfriends says “Hey, did you hear about Rosa? She moved to Needles?”I don’t know if you know anything about Needles but it’s a perfect blend of small town and abandoned train yard. One hundred and twenty degrees there in the summer. And there’s little tiny bugs crawling all over everything there. I don’t even know what they are, just these little black dots moving around on the surface of everything, no matter where you go. You ask someone about the bugs and they just say “Oh, yeah, happens sometimes.” That’s it.One weekend I drove up there to see her. I don’t know why, I just had to know what happened. She didn’t even have an address, she was living out of a camper van. Selling handmade souvenirs on the roadside. She would go into the desert and look for animal skulls, which there was a lot of, because it was 120 degrees and everything was dying. She’d take these sun bleached skulls and lay them out on a Navajo blanket across the street from a truck stop. She kind of made a killing, actually.We sat there outside her camper van and we drank a bottle of tequila as the sun went down. We were in our twenties at that point but she had been out in that sun so long she looked like she was fifty. Cracks everywhere on her face.I asked her “Rosa, what happened?! How’d you end up in fucking Needles selling skulls across from a truck stop?”“I was stuck, Gloria. I didn’t know what to do. So I thought I’d just do the craziest thing.”And here I am, lightyears from home, and my shitty stories from Arizona are still relatable.
Ava:
I really am sorry.
Gloria:
We’ve been floating here for three days, Ava. You’ve been saying you’re sorry for three days.
Ava:
I tried to explain to you why-
Gloria:
Yeah, it’s the “trying” part I have a problem with. You haven’t succeeded yet.
Ava:
I told you-
Gloria:
Do you know why you haven’t succeeded? Because you don’t know why you did it.
Ava:
Effie told me-
Gloria:
Right, right, you keep saying that, “Effie told me to.” Can you think of a less reliable source of information than Effie and Zebulon? They thought they were sportscasters one time, remember that?
Ava:
I know they’re not reliable, that’s why I did it.
Gloria:
What does that mean?
Ava:
You don’t care what it means, you just want to be pissed at me.
Gloria:
I do just want to be pissed at you!
Ava:
Then I’ll shut up and you can be pissed at me!
Gloria:
Fine!
Ava:
... What the hell is Leif making in the parking lot?
Gloria:
I don’t know, him and Caspar have some kind of plan, it’s probably stupid... That’s a significant parking lot for me. You convinced me to stay while we stood in that parking lot. Remember that?
Ava:
Yes.
Gloria:
We smoked a cigarette in 14 million BC, you showed me twenty foot tall mushrooms, and said “You should stay.”
Ava:
I remember.
Gloria:
Maybe shut up next time.
Sfx: door chime.
Caspar:
Okay, we’re ready, come on.
Ava:
Caspar-
Sfx: door chime.
Gloria:
Well, let’s go see what new bullshit this is.
Ava:
Great.
Sfx: door chime. The sound of the big, malevolent, thing grows louder.
Leif:
Okay, first of all, don’t judge a book by its cover.
Gloria:
Well what should I judge it by?
Leif:
Your first question is going to be “Is this made from kitchen appliances?” The answers is “No, not entirely.”
Gloria:
Is it a robot?
Leif:
It’s a suit.
Gloria:
A suit for what?
Leif:
Um... you know how sometimes plans evolve and then you look back and think “Whoa, how did we get here?”
Gloria:
Oh God, a suit for what?
Caspar:
We’re shooting Ava into space.
Gloria:
... Well look at that, I didn’t freak out. I’m guess I’m used to things now.
Leif:
I know it sounds crazy-
Ava:
Seriously, Caspar?
Caspar:
Seriously.
Leif:
Before we start yelling. There’s an explanation.
Ava:
You’re that pissed at me?
Caspar:
I’m extraordinarily pissed at you-
Leif:
There’s an explanation. Ava, we are not condemning you to The Phantom Zone, there’s a reason for this.
Ava:
I bet it’s a great one.
Leif:
We’re on the edge of this big, malevolent thing, right? The gravitational pull has got to be massive, but we’re staying still. Also, it’s giving off a repeating radio signal.
Ava:
Everything gives off a repeating radio signal.
Leif:
It’s a repeating radio signal that’s spelling out your name in American morse code.
Gloria:
Whoa... so that big thing out there is asking for Ava?
Leif:
And very deliberately not taking us all into it.
Ava:
There is no way I’m getting in that thing.
Caspar:
We tested it, it works fine.
Ava:
I don’t give a shit, you’re out of your mind.
Caspar:
This is what you wanted, isn’t it?
Ava:
To be launched into space in something made from a Cuisinart? No.
Caspar:
Because it’s dangerous?
Ava:
Yes.
Caspar:
That’s funny, I don’t remember you consulting us on wether or not we’d like to be put in danger.
Ava:
That’s not the same thing.
Caspar:
No, it’s the same thing, I’ve decided it’s the same thing. Isn’t that frustrating, when someone decides something important without asking you?
Leif:
Look, I’d be worried about it too if I didn’t build this rig myself. It’s very safe. I know it looks kind of like a trash monster but it’s got an air recycler, on-board guidance systems, it’s got its own thrusters.
Ava:
Thrusters. Made from what?
Leif:
Cooking spray cans, but look, thrust is thrust. The gravity will do most of the work.
Ava:
And what’s the plan for getting me back? Or are you all planning to sacrifice me to the great volcano in the sky?
Caspar:
We didn’t have a plan to get out of the supermassive black hole, you weren’t worried then.
Ava:
Yes but-
Caspar:
But what? How is this different?
Ava:
What’s different is you want me to get in that thing!
Gloria:
Ava. I’m sorry, you’ve got to get in the suit.
Ava:
What?!
Gloria:
Are we in this mess because of you? Yes or no?
Ava:
Yes.
Gloria:
Then I’m sorry. You break it, you buy it.
Ava:
Fuck that. Look, I know everyone’s pissed at me and wants me to suffer somehow but that doesn’t mean you get to turn me into Voyager 2. Can we please all just stay calm and trust that a solution will come to us? There has to be one less ridiculous than this one.
Gloria:
...
Caspar:
...
Leif:
...
Caspar:
Get her in the suit!
Sfx: struggling and wrestling
Ava:
Oh, you motherfuckers! Let me go!
Caspar:
Get her legs!
Ava:
Ow!
Gloria:
She’s stronger than she looks!
Leif:
It’s really going to be okay!
Caspar:
Ow! OW! That’s my ear!
Ava:
Put me down, goddammit!
Caspar:
Open it!
Sfx: suit hydralics activating.
Ava:
I am going to make you fucking! Regret this!
Gloria:
She’s kicking me in the face, guys!
Leif:
We’re ready!
Caspar:
Okay on three. One, two, three!
Ava:
Fuck you!
Sfx: suit quickly closes up.
Leif:
She’s in!
Ava:
(Through the helmet) I. Am going to rip. Your BALLS OFF!
Caspar:
Oh, don’t threaten me with a good time. You wanted to understand the mysteries of the cosmos, now’s your chance to do it first hand.
Ava:
Please tell me you put machine guns on this thing!
Caspar:
Sorry, Doctor, just you, some cans of cooking spray and the great beyond. Exactly how Carl Sagan imagined it. Leif?
Leif:
Hi, Ava.
Ava:
You are next on my list of people to kill.
Leif:
Again, it’s going to be fine. It’s a very safe suit.
Ava:
Why can’t I move the arms?
Leif:
It’s not fully powered up yet.
Ava:
Do I want to know what you’re powering this thing with? Is it Crisco?
Leif:
No. Though now that you mention it vegetable oil is an interesting choice for deep space combustion. Doesn’t have to be pressurized and it’s non-flammable.
Ava:
Leif. Am I going to die in this?
Leif:
No, no it’s ready to go, for sure.
Ava:
This has hydraulics, Leif. You just whipped up some hydraulics?
Leif:
Sadly the hydraulics came from a dearly departed robot friend of ours.
Ava:
You salvaged Boofar?!
Leif:
Hey, don’t get sentimental about it, he would’ve wanted it this way. He loved helping.
Ava:
Oh my God. I’m basically in a skin suit right now. You Buffalo Bill-ed me.
Leif:
You won’t have to do anything. Just let the on-board guidance handle the trip, okay?
Gloria:
Ava, I’m sorry. You wrote a check and we kind of have to cash it now.
Ava:
Whatever.
Caspar:
Give us a second, guys.
Gloria:
Okay. C’mon Leif.
Sfx: door chime.
Ava:
You enjoying this? You feel like you’re getting the last laugh?
Caspar:
I asked you for one thing. For this place to open every day at 6. It’s been three days.
Ava:
I had to do something.
Caspar:
You didn’t have to do anything. But now I have to do something. So I’m going to use this hand truck, wheel you to the edge of the parking lot, and jettison you into space. Leif says the suit will take over once you hit zero G.
Ava:
I really hope I never see you again.
Caspar:
I know. Goodbye Ava.
Sfx: hand truck clanging.
Caspar:
Here we go.
Sfx: wheels squeaking faster and faster.
Ava:
Jesus Christ. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, SHIT! Whoa...
Sfx: inside of ava’s helmet. Suit begins beeping.
Ava:
Fuck shit fuck shit. Lots of spinning. Okay the suit can take over any time now... any time now.
Sfx: suit stops beeping. Thrusters firing.
Ava:
Okay... okay there we go... okay... okay... Definitely less vomit-inducing... okay... okay... I can’t believe you assholes launched me into SPAAACE!... Goddamn it... Sue me for trying to figure some shit out!... I’m glad to be rid of you!... Honestly the peace and quiet is kind of nice.
Leif-Let:
Hi, I’m Leif-Let. Your on-board guidance computer!
Ava:
Motherfucker. Seriously?
Leif-Let:
It looks like you’re trying to navigate in zero-g, would you like some help with that?
Ava:
Please tell me you have other voice options.
Leif-Let:
Sorry, bro, I can’t help you with that one. It looks like you’re trying to navigate in zero-g, would you like some help with that?
Ava:
Yes, please.
Leif-Let:
Let’s identify your destination.
Ava:
Okay. Let’s see what this thing can do. Identify nearby celestial bodies.
Leif-Let:
You are near two celestial bodies. Midnight Burger is approximately eight thousand meters from your location. Would you like to go there?
Ava:
Never again. What else?
Leif-Let:
Second celestial body is fifty-six thousand kilometers away. Filename: Big, Malevolent Thing.
Ava:
That’s what we’re looking for I guess. Go there.
Leif-Let:
Thruster fuel is insufficient for this destination.
Ava:
Just point us in the direction of it and the gravitational pull will do the rest.
Leif-Let:
Destination locked. Firing thrusters.
Ava:
Not going to lie, I kind of like this. Getting Captain Janeway vibes.
Leif-Let:
Time to destination: two hours, forty-seven minutes.
Ava:
I can’t believe he salvaged Boofar for this.
Leif-Let:
Many of Boofar’s undamaged logic boards are now a part of my processor. If you like, you can call me “Steve”.
Ava:
I’m not calling you Steve, that’s a sacred name now!
Leif-Let:
Sure thing, Bro.
Ava:
I guess every great scientist has a moment when they’re cast out from society but like, this is over-doing it. How long to our destination again?
Leif-Let:
Two hours, forty-seven minutes.
Ava:
Looks like we’ve got some time to kill before whatever this thing is eats me alive.
Leif-Let:
Would you like to enjoy an in-flight movie on your heads-up display?
Ava:
Oh, God. What did Lief program for an in-flight movie? Wait let me guess... Barbarella.
Leif-Let:
Today’s in-flight movie is “All About Eve”.
Ava:
Shit, Leif you’re not forgiven just because you loaded my favorite movie into this sardine can.
Leif-Let:
Would you like to watch it now?
Ava:
Sure, fire it up.
Sfx: Opening music for All about eve.
Ava:
You know what my favorite line is?
Leif-Let:
You’re favorite line is “Funny business, a woman’s career-”
Ava:
No, no, no, you’re just going to fuck it up. It’s like this: “Funny business, a woman’s career. The things you drop on your way up the ladder so you can move faster. You forget you’ll need them again when you get back to being a woman.”
Sfx: music fades as ava sails off into deep space. Silence and then...
Leif-Let:
Ava? Ava wake up. Ava!
Ava:
Oh shit! Fuck! What happened?
Leif-Let:
Sorry about that. Had to make some executive decisions.
Ava:
Guidance computers can’t make executive decisions.
Leif-Let:
Well, when I say I’m a guidance computer-
Ava:
Never mind. What happened?
Leif-Let:
Estimates of our arrival time at the Big Malevolent Thing were off. In an effort to conserve oxygen, I took advantage of the fact that you had fallen asleep and brought down the solar visor.
Ava:
Well raise the damn visor. Where are we?
Sfx: visor raising.
Ava:
What the fuck? We’re back in the diner.
Leif-Let:
Sensors indicate otherwise.
Ava:
How so?
Leif-Let:
The atmosphere is 90% ammonia.
Ava:
Yikes. Everything’s dusty. That’s not from ammonia, what is that from?
Leif-Let:
Analyzing surroundings... Matter in this area is unstable. Not meant to be interacted with. We’re in a simulation.
Ava:
I see. The magic of the theatre.
Sfx: door chime.
Ava:
It’s Caspar.
Caspar:
Hello?
Ava:
Okay. Act I: Caspar’s first day.
Caspar:
Hello?
Sfx: radio static. Caspar searches for a station.
Ava:
Oh sure, he can touch the radio... Hey, analyze those frequencies.
Leif-Let:
Scanning... Looks like the radio is cycling through frequencies at a very high rate, like it’s looking for something.
Ava:
Like it’s learning.
Sfx: radio snaps to life.
Zebulon:
My Dear, I was thinking the other day of the story of Jonah.
Effie:
Must we, Dearest?
Zebulon:
I know that this story is not your most favored story from the good book.
Effie:
If you have had one too many unfortunate catfishing excursions as I have, you do not find yourself drawn to the story of Jonah.
Zebulon:
Yes, the catfish in the St. Francis do have a tendency to clamp down a bit hard don’t they?
Effie:
One time a flathead had bit down so hard upon me that I thought he’d never let go. I thought I’d have to spend the rest of my time on this earth with a fish-arm.
Ava:
He looks sad, but I’m still mad at him. Hey Caspar: You suck!
Leif-Let:
The simulation does not appear to be interactive.
Ava:
I know.
Zebulon:
But while the prospect of being trapped in the belly of a fish for many a day may give one the oogies, we must take care not to discard the story of Jonah. Jonah is there to remind us that The Lord’s paths are infinite, and should you refuse his call, as Jonah did, you have simply sent yourself down yet another of his chosen paths.
Leif-Let:
Increase in Tachyonic particles.
Ava:
We’re about to move.
Effie:
Though it should be noted that refusing the first path sends you down the path with the fish guts in it. So, maybe listen to The Lord’s words the first time?
Zebulon:
Indeed, my love.
Sfx: Ava is sucked through a tunnel.
Ava:
Whoa! Okay, if they start playing It’s a Small World, I quit.
Sfx: sudden stop.
Song: Rovin’ Gambler
Caspar:
So what can you tell me about this place, Effie?
Effie:
I can tell you that it is a great human construct that hangs in the sky and becomes a crossroads for many peoples from distant lands as they make their way across God’s creation.
Caspar:
So, it’s a space station?
Effie:
Is that not what I just said?
Caspar:
Sure.
Sfx: door chime.
Caspar:
Hey, welcome to Midnight Burger, have a seat anywhere.
Leif:
You serving Earth food?
Leif-Let:
Hey! It’s our boy!
Caspar:
Yeah, all Earth food.
Leif:
Cool. You from Earth?
Caspar:
Yeah, you?
Leif:
Yeah. How’d you get out of the system?
Caspar:
Uh... long ass story.
Leif:
Yeah, same here.
Caspar:
Listen, since you’re from Earth, I’ve got to warn you, if you’re not from Earth I’m great at cooking Earth food, but if you’re from Earth my cooking is terrible.
Ava:
Look at this Bro-Mance. Which one’s The Winter Soldier?
Leif-Let:
Solid burn.
Leif:
Hey. Are you guys hiring? I’m a cook. I’m on a Truskan Ice Hauler right now and it’s kind of miserable. Truskans are great, but they love singing these like, sea chanties and Truskans don’t have complex breath control so they only sing one note. It’s driving me crazy.
Caspar:
That’s sounds pretty rough.
Leif:
I do like moving around, so being stuck at a space station might not be that great, but it would be nice for my Earth references to not fall on deaf ears, so I’m good staying put for a while.
Caspar:
Uh... How to explain this...
Sfx: Ava is sucked through another tunnel.
Ava:
Hey! I was watching that! I wanted them to do something embarrassing that I could use against them. For science.
Sfx: another sudden stop.
Sfx: SOund of a distant freeway.
Ava:
Is that Gloria’s car?
Sfx: car door rolling down.
Ava:
Oh. Hi, Gloria. You also suck.
Sfx: Lighter. Cigarette drag. Cell phone rings.
Gloria:
Hey, Cesar. How are you holding up?... Oh, you did? Great, I’m glad. How much is it?... It’s that plus 600? Okay, great, that’s good, you guys can live on that right, Inez gets it too? Okay good... Whew, I was worried about you guys... No, I’ll be fine... Cesar, I’ll be fine... I’m not going over this again... It’s a little harder to file for unemployment when you owned the damn place... I don’t know what I’m going to do... I don’t know what I’m going to do Cesar. It was my dream to own that place. It’s all I ever wanted. We were open for six months and then it all gets shut down because of a, what? Because of a bat in China? I don’t even know how to talk about that... Look, I don’t know how long this bullshit is going to last, but when it’s finally over people are going to be like “Cool, let’s get back to normal, let’s do normal shit.” Normal for me is being a waitress who can’t forget the time she had a restaurant for six months. That’s normal for me. I don’t want to get back to normal, Cesar. I’m never going back again. Hug your kids for me, I’ve got a job interview... Yes, I do, I know what I just said, I’m just doing it to get out of town... I honestly don’t even know where I am... It’s called Midnight Diner or something, look go back to your life, hang out with your kids, you’re going to be sick of them in a month.
Sfx: Ava is sucked through another tunnel.
Ava:
This is feeling kind of random. What am I supposed to be learning here? If the next thing I see are Bob Cratchit and his family, I am also quitting then.
Sfx: sudden stop.
Sfx: sounds of a dinner party.
Ava:
This is my house. This is my house in Ithaca... Oh no, this is my farewell party. Oh, this is bad.
Leif-Let:
Not detecting any new hazards.
Ava:
No it’s bad because I got wasted and don’t remember much of it.
Sfx: fork hitting the side of a wine glass.
Ava:
Oh God, that’s me. Oh God, am I making a speech?!
Ava:
(In the past.) Everyone! Can I get your attention for a moment please? Thank you so much for coming to my farewell party, though I am convinced that sixty to sixty-five percent of you are here to make sure you don’t miss out on any gossip. Sorry to disappoint, but I won’t be doing anything more embarrassing than actually being a professor at this shit-sack of a university.
Sfx: Light laughter.
Ava:
(In the past.) Today I officially transitioned into emeritus status, the flaming viking boat of academia. I did so under viscous rumors that I have lost my mind, which I shall wear as a badge of honor. I am proud to join the ranks of other nutty professors like Paracelsus, who believed in giants, Tycho Brahe who wore a copper prosthetic nose after losing his real one in a fist fight, and Pythagoras who had an inexplicable fear of beans.
Sfx: light laughter
Ava:
(In the past.) You only get one chance to make a parting statement, so here goes. As we struggle to understand the universe, we may need to consider the idea that the universe is struggling to understand us. That our curiosity about the cosmos, may be reciprocated. Do our telescopes pointed skyward pose a question, and are the ebbs and flows of the starways an attempt at an answer. Are the scientist and their subject like two lovers in the dark; stumbling towards each other, hoping to find some skin.
Song: Cubanakan by lecuona cuban boys.
Ava:
(In the past.) Well, that got a little sexy, didn’t it?
Sfx: light laughter.
Ava:
That song. Where’s that song coming from?
Leif-Let:
Unclear. Not from this simulation.
Ava:
Can you trace it? We need to go towards it.
Leif-Let:
Judging by the tachyonic spike I’m getting, looks like we’re headed there now-
Sfx: Ava is sucked through another tunnel.
Sfx: Sounds of the party are replaced by birds chirping in a tropical forest.
Sfx: Cigarette lighter. Long inhale on a joint.
Sfx: door opening.
Willow:
(Still holding it in.) Hey babe, where’ve you been?
Daniel:
Are you high again?
Willow:
Am I?
Daniel:
Your lungs are full of smoke and there’s a lit joint in your hand.
Willow:
(Exhaling.) Don’t make assumptions.
Daniel:
You really think now is a good time to get high?
Willow:
We’re both about to torpedo our careers, Honey, how is this not a time to get high?
Daniel:
Valid point.
Willow:
Where were you?
Daniel:
I was in town.
Willow:
What’s going on in town?
Daniel:
I went by the hospital.
Willow:
Danny.
Daniel:
Just to be sure.
Willow:
A hurricane hits here every eighteen months, all the hospitals have generators. Probably all the houses too.
Daniel:
And I confirmed that because I needed to, okay? It’s not hurricane season, they’re not expecting us to knock their power out.
Willow:
It’ll just be for a few minutes, they’ll be okay. How many times do we need to go over this?
Daniel:
I know, I know. I’m done.
Willow:
Come over here. Smoke this joint and get normal with your wife. Come on.
Daniel:
Okay.
Willow:
I’m going to miss this cheap ass weed when we’re gone, we should enjoy it while we can. Puerto Rico. Who knew?
Sfx: sharp inhale.
Daniel:
What are we listening to?
Willow:
This is another wonderful find at the dime store in town.
Daniel:
I hear everyone back home is listening to cassette tapes now.
Willow:
I don’t buy it. They said that about 8 Tracks, look what happened. Besides, they sound like shit, and as people who listen for a living we should be more discerning, don’t you think?
Daniel:
No offense, but this sounds like shit, too.
Willow:
This sounds like shit because it’s a 78rpm that’s been to hell and back.
Daniel:
Fine. So let’s talk.
Willow:
Okay.
Daniel:
We need a plan.
Willow:
Do we?
Daniel:
And I was thinking. What about California?
Willow:
What about California?
Daniel:
Lots of work for scientists in California.
Willow:
Not for scientists like us. They need aerospace nerds not astrophysicists. Besides, they would be defense contracts and how do we feel about defense contracts?
Daniel:
I know. I’m just trying to come up with something.
Willow:
Something will come up. We’ve got money saved.
Daniel:
We were going to buy a house with that money.
Willow:
Well now we’re going to do something else with it.
Daniel:
Did you marry me so that I would do all the worrying?
Willow:
No, I married you because my Mamaw told me to.
Daniel:
What do you think your Mamaw would say about blacking out an entire town for 15 minutes to shoot a radio signal into the sky?
Willow:
I think she would say “Willow, you can do anything you want and your Papaw and I are still going to love you.” And then she would add, “Unless you become a papist.” Besides, you’re forgetting that she and my Paw did a revival radio show for years without any approval from the FCC or whatever they called it back then.
Daniel:
Alright. We better do this before I come to my senses.
Willow:
Time’s a wastin’.
Daniel:
I’ll throw the switch and reverse the polarity, you stay at the terminal.
Willow:
Okay. Should I bar the door to keep the fuzz out?
Daniel:
There isn’t a police officer for miles and we’re the only ones at the observatory today.
Willow:
I know. That was just one of my fun jokes.
Daniel:
Whee. Okay, I’m reversing polarity and now I am powering up...
Willow:
Was that it?
Daniel:
That was it.
Willow:
That didn’t feel like it.
Daniel:
Not to you and me but everything in Arecibo just went dark.
Willow:
I was expecting some circuits frying or something.
Daniel:
Babe, we’ve got fifteen minutes. Send the signal.
Willow:
Sorry.
Sfx: Typing on keyboard.
Willow:
Okay... If this doesn’t get their attention I don’t know what will.
Sfx: “the aricebo message” plays.
Daniel:
Remember the big ceremony we had the first time they sent this signal?
Willow:
We thought it was so stupid.
Daniel:
I think I called it-
Willow:
“Jacking off in the general direction of M13”? Yes, you did.
Daniel:
I mean, technically I was right. A byzantine, indecipherable signal sent to a star cluster seven Parsecs away, it’s not science.
Willow:
“What do we think this is? Dick Tracy’s watch?” That’s you, drunk later that night.
Daniel:
I was so mad. People were excited and I was mad about it.
Willow:
“Dick Tracy’s watch”, though?
Daniel:
Because he talks into it. I’m sure it sounded really snappy in my head.
Willow:
And then for the rest of the night you were the Fermi’s Paradox guy.
Daniel:
I was. I know.
Willow:
Everybody hated you all night. I was so proud.
Daniel:
And now here we are, destroying our careers so we broadcast the signal we made fun of.
Willow:
I have to say, I’ve been impressed with the way you just jumped into this little scheme of ours. You’re usually the cautious one.
Daniel:
I’m full of surprises.
Willow:
I’m strongly considering taking our marriage seriously for the first time.
Daniel:
I find that unlikely.
Ava:
(Through radio speakers.) Hello?
Daniel:
The fuck?
Ava:
Hello? Your signal is annoying, can you shut it off please?
Willow:
Did we do all this just to bounce off the fucking ionosphere?
Daniel:
There’s no way we didn’t punch through the ionosphere.
Willow:
Well, that didn’t sound like a voice from the beyond.
Daniel:
Hang on, I have to hook up a mic.
Ava:
Leif-let, what is this signal?
Leif-Let:
I’ve identified the signal. This is known as the Arecibo Message, broadcast from the Arecibo radio telescope in Puerto Rico in 1974.
Willow:
What is that?
Ava:
Why are we hearing it?
Leif-Let:
Not sure, Bro.
Ava:
Can you edit your auto-responses to take out the word “Bro” please?
Leif-Let:
Sure thing, Boss.
Ava:
Better.
Daniel:
Here we go.
Sfx: microphone clicks on.
Daniel:
Whoever is receiving this signal, can you identify yourself, please?
Ava:
Um... Hi.
Daniel:
We’re currently conducting scientific research and need this frequency clear, please. Can you identify yourself?
Ava:
Well, look at Mr. Fancypants conducting scientific research.
Daniel:
Can you identify yourself, please?
Ava:
You first.
Daniel:
Jesus. This is the Arecibo observatory in Puerto Rico, we’re sending a test broadcast and you’re on our frequency, can you identify yourself please?
Ava:
Arecibo. The radio telescope?
Willow:
How much time do we have?
Daniel:
Mot much. Ma’am, identify yourself please.
Leif-Let:
Not sure how much time we have, Boss.
Ava:
Wait. Arecibo? Arecibo’s been decommissioned, what are you talking about?
Daniel:
This station hasn’t been decommissioned, what are you talking about?
Ava:
The whole thing collapsed in 2020, pal, who are you really?
Daniel:
Uh...
Willow:
In 2020?
Ava:
Yes, the whole damn thing fell into the jungle. The cables snapped, something about metal fatigue, I guess.
Willow:
In 2020?
Ava:
Yes. Who am I talking to?
Willow:
It’s 1976.
Ava:
Aw, snails. Really?
Willow:
Really.
Leif-Let:
Looks like we may be in a temporal rift, Boss.
Ava:
Ya think? Who am I talking to right now?
Daniel:
I’m Daniel, I’m here with my wife Willow, we work at the observatory, we’re astronomers. Can you please, for the love of God, identify yourself?
Ava:
Oh fine. My name is Dr. Ava Maddox and I’m... what am I?
Willow:
Shit, it’s her.
Ava:
Oh! I’m professor emeritus of theoretical physics at Cornell University, that works. Wait. No I’m not. I will be professor emeritus at Cornell, I guess to you I’m a one year-old with a terrible mother.
Daniel:
Doctor, we’ve been getting your notes, what is your location?
Ava:
You’ve been what?
Daniel:
We think they’re your notes, we can’t decipher them. What is your location?
Ava:
Wait, wait, wait. My notes?
Daniel:
Are they not notes? Doctor, we need some explanations here.
Ava:
You first. Start at the beginning.
Daniel:
It started with the Arecibo Message, you’re familiar?
Ava:
This the thing the tinfoil hat people talk about? We sent some sort of message of peace into space?
Daniel:
Yes, directed at M13. After we sent the message we were getting back noise. Or at least everyone else thought it was noise. We thought it had structure. Willow?
Willow:
It was mostly symbols that I couldn’t recognize but from time to time would be the letters A,V,A. I think.
Ava:
That’s me. The symbols, are there a lot of diagonal lines. Lower left to upper right?
Willow:
Yes.
Ava:
Those are my notes. It was sending you my notes.
Willow:
What was?
Ava:
What happened next?
Daniel:
After 367 days the noise went dark, we weren’t getting anything anymore.
Ava:
When Gloria accidentally changed the station.
Willow:
Who is Gloria?
Ava:
Okay, so the data was cut off. It wasn’t getting input. It had to start riffing, grabbing any transmission it could so things got chaotic.
Daniel:
Then after 367 days we got something kind of like a ping. It was one burst of just... noise.
Ava:
Even Older Leif attaching a device to the radio.
Daniel:
Then nothing again.
Willow:
So we decided to get creative. We’re using everything we’ve got to send one last broadcast of the message in the hopes that we can reacquire the signal.
Ava:
The big, malevolent thing.
Daniel:
And then you showed up.
Ava:
Oh shit! Radio telescope!
Daniel:
Excuse me?
Ava:
Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain. Do those names mean anything to you?
Willow:
Those are my grandparents.
Ava:
Yes they were, weren’t they?
Willow:
What the hell?
Ava:
Daniel, does Willow tell a lot of stories about her grandparents?
Daniel:
All the time. What’s going on?
Ava:
Your grandfather had a pet pig named Pansy.
Willow:
Goddamn.
Daniel:
How do you know all this?
Leif-Let:
Boss, we’ve got fluctuations.
Ava:
Okay. There’s no time. Guys, listen to me. It’s all explained in my notes.
Willow:
We can’t read your notes.
Ava:
They’re written in Groote. It’s a 19th century Dutch shorthand. Google it. Fuck! You can’t. The past sucks! Look it up somehow.
Daniel:
The transformer is going to blow any second now.
Ava:
This signal, this Arecibo message, you have to keep broadcasting it.
Daniel:
We can’t, we’re almost out of juice and we’re about to get fired.
Ava:
Good. Get fired. People won’t understand what you’re doing anyway. Find a way to broadcast it.
Daniel:
We can’t get this much power or facilities like this.
Ava:
No, you’re thinking about it wrong. It’s not about the strength of the signal it’s about the number of iterations in space/time that you’re broadcasting it. Think of it like triangulating a location. The longer you send the signal the more data you’ll get from us and vice versa.
Willow:
Us?
Ava:
Guys, the signal you sent into the sky, it was idiotic.
Daniel:
We agree.
Ava:
Something heard it. Something heard it, but it doesn’t understand you. It’s trying to. Goddamn... like two lovers in the dark; stumbling towards each other, hoping for skin. You have to keep broadcasting.
Willow:
We will.
Daniel:
We will?
Leif-Let:
Boss, here comes another one.
Ava:
You’re going to need funding. Nobody’s going to be crazy enough to fund this. Shit. Oh! It’s 1976?
Willow:
Yes.
Ava:
Ha! Take all the money you have and invest in Apple Computers. Trust me, you’ll never have to write a grant again.
Daniel:
What the hell?
Ava:
TRUST ME. Willow, I know your grandparents. Kind of. They would want you to have faith. Oh shit. Oh shit, something’s happening. Remember everything I’ve said. Read my notes! Don’t stop the signal!
Sfx: Ava is sucked through another tunnel.
Ava:
Wooooooooooo-hooooooooooo.
Leif-Let:
Okay, we’re out.
Ava:
I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT! FUCK YOU, COSMOS!
Leif-Let:
Boss-
Ava:
I may not know what exactly I figured out but I know I figured something out. Because I am NOT crazy. I am Pythagoras, MOTHERFUCKER!
Leif-Let:
Boss, we have problems.
Ava:
Oh of COURSE we do! What is it?
Leif-Let:
We are now out of the Big, Malevolent Thing and are currently adrift in space.
Ava:
Hm. I guess we didn’t think about sticking the landing did we?
Leif-Let:
I have sensor lock on Midnight Burger, but it’s very far, we have limited thrust, and very little oxygen.
Ava:
Shit. What’s the plan?
Leif-Let:
I’m going to have to put you to sleep again, Boss. It’s the only way to conserve oxygen. We put you to sleep, do one last burn toward the diner, and hope for the best.
Ava:
What are our chances?
Leif-Let:
Calculating 50/50 at this point.
Ava:
Well that’s terrible odds. Did you record everything?
Leif-Let:
Everything’s in the logs.
Ava:
I figured something out, Leif-Let.
Leif-Let:
I know you did, boss.
Ava:
Okay. Let’s do this.
Leif-Let:
Adjusting oxygen mixture.
Ava:
The benefit of this plan is, if I die, Caspar will be miserable for the rest of his life. That piece of shit can’t live without me.
Leif-Let:
Performing final burn.
Sfx: thrusters fire. Ava sails off into the darkness. Leif and Gloria’s conversation slowly fades in.
Gloria:
She’s not dead is she?
Leif:
No, it looks like the suit put her in stasis. It’s slowly adjusting the oxygen levels back to normal. It’ll open when it’s ready.
Gloria:
At what point do we break the news to her?
Leif:
Give her a minute, she’s going to be disoriented.
Gloria:
That thing just spit her out and then disappeared.
Leif:
I’m glad for both of those things but I still have no idea what happened.
Sfx: hiss of oxygen and whirr of hydraulics as the suit opens.
Ava:
Am I alive? If not, heaven is shitty.
Leif:
You’re alive.
Ava:
Get me out of here.
Leif:
Okay one, two, three.
Ava:
Ooof.
Gloria:
It’s good to see you, Ava.
Ava:
Leif, that suit rules. I might wear it all the time, we may have to widen my booth.
Leif:
I’m just glad you’re all right.
Ava:
You guys. I figured it out. I mean kind of. Some of it, anyway. I couldn’t figure it out because... because it’s like trying to recognize if someone’s lying to you when you’re lying to them at the same time. When you’re going too fast on the freeway, and so is everyone else, it’s harder to know that you’re speeding.
Gloria:
Ava-
Ava:
Shh. Just let me get this out. I’ve been trying to figure it out, but it’s been trying to figure us out at the same time.
Leif:
What has?
Ava:
I don’t know!
Gloria:
The diner?
Ava:
No, no, not the diner. Something else. This is where it tries to reach out, where it tries to get to know us. It was right in front of my face. If you want to get to know someone, you find a place that’s safe. Where maybe you can have a cup of coffee and get to know each other. But here’s the problem: what if you’re a human and want to get to know an ant? You don’t know what it’s like to be an ant, you can’t “speak ant” even though you’re hundreds of thousands of times more intelligent than an ant. So what do you do?
Gloria:
Ava, you need to stop-
Ava:
You try a lot of things, mostly you stay out of the way and watch. Sometimes you’ll make sure nothing happens to your new friend. And if you get worried that your new friend is alone and afraid... you make it friends.
Gloria:
Effie and Zebulon.
Ava:
But you don’t know how to make a friend. You don’t even know what “friend” means. So you reach out for whatever you’ve got. You hear stories told by an astronomer about her grandparents, and how they were people that made her feel safe. And in your ham-fisted way try and make them.
Leif:
So Effie and Zebulon are simulations or something?
Ava:
No. Because you’re not an ant, you’re a person, and you’re so smart that you’re an idiot. And without meaning to, you make a person. Two people.
Leif:
An artificial intelligence?
Gloria:
Leif-
Ava:
Not artificial. An intelligence. A consciousness. Two of them. And you did it on accident.
Gloria:
Ava listen-
Ava:
Are they back yet? Effie? Zebulon?
Leif:
No, not yet.
Ava:
They will be. They just went through the ringer like I did, it’s a LOT to process.
Gloria:
AVA.
Ava:
What?! Where’s Caspar, I need to punch him in the face and then tell him everything.
Gloria:
Ava. Caspar’s gone.
Ava:
... What?
Gloria:
He’s gone, Ava.
Ava:
What do you mean he’s gone, we’re floating in space, did he hop on a jet ski?
Leif:
Ava... They took him.
Song: “Just a little talk with jesus” by the humbard family.
Ava:
Took him? Who took him? You guys, who took him?
Effie:
Ava. Ava, can you hear us?
Zebulon:
We bore witness along with you, Ava. We feel both confused and yet, somehow, a fog has lifted.
Effie:
We have much to suss out after these revelations but we feel...
Zebulon:
Different, and imbued somehow with meaning.
Effie:
Much light needs be shed... Ava? Ava, what has transpired?...