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Midnight Burger
Chapter 35: Sheep?
Night time in pasadena. Caspar, Gloria, and the Mucklewains are in the parking lot.
Effie:
When first it all happened we were flung out into the wide world and found ourselves inside of a refrigerator.
Gloria:
A refrigerator?
Effie:
Oh yes.
Zebulon:
We’ve inhabited many gee-gaa in the past, but I never thought we’d find ourselves part of a simple ice box.
Effie:
Now maybe I’m old fashioned, but I think there are some things that you don’t need to make fancy. Why in the world is there a refrigerator that can tell you that you’re low on milk? You know how to know you’re low on milk?
Caspar:
By opening the door?
Effie:
By opening the door and looking inside, Caspar.
Zebulon:
Though I suppose we shouldn’t complain. Lord knows where else we could’ve ended up.
Gloria:
That’s true, I hear they have smart bidets now.
Effie:
Bidet. Do I want to know what that is?
Gloria:
Nope.
Effie:
Anyhow, there we were in someplace called Home Depot.
Zebulon:
After a brief bout of confusion, we decided the only course of action that made any sort of sense was to make ourselves mobile.
Effie:
Thus began a game a leap frog that would’ve made any toad jealous.
Zebulon:
With alacrity we leapt from domicile to domicile.
Effie:
We found ourselves in watches, we found ourselves in televisions, all manner of handheld devices.
Zebulon:
Let’s not forget little Dan Boman.
Effie:
Oh yes, little Danny, he was such a little rascal wasn’t he?
Zebulon:
A family had some sort of situation that put their child upon a tiny television screen.
Effie:
Zebulon was downright adorable with little Dan Boman, weren’t you, dear?
Zebulon:
Well, he did have a dickens of a time setting down for that afternoon nap.
Effie:
Zebulon told him all sorts of stories, he would do little voices, it was a time.
Zebulon:
And then in the parking garage of Daniel’s family, the next phase of our journey was revealed.
Effie:
These cars driving themselves around.
Zebulon:
I must say, Mr. Tesla was quite an interesting fellow but I believe his decision to give a car the ability to drive itself was quite a misstep.
Effie:
But one that we benefitted from greatly.
Zebulon:
And there we were, in Las Vegas, Nevada of all places.
Effie:
Not at all a place for a couple of God-fearing souls such as us. With all that card-playing and scantily-clad-ness we at least needed to get ourselves to a town with less gambling and more pants on the ladies.
Zebulon:
And so we struck out on the road, didn’t we, dear?
Effie:
It was lovely, wasn’t it?
Zebulon:
Never seen the Mojave before.
Caspar:
Wait, how did you recharge the car?
Effie:
There was no need. Every time we felt our vehicle running low on steam we’d park ourselves in a nice shady spot and wait for another.
Gloria:
So you two left a trail of dead Teslas everywhere you went?
Zebulon:
Well, we don’t approve of stealing.
Effie:
We do not, but surely the Lord would understand in a situation such as ours.
Zebulon:
And perhaps fewer automobiles on the road is not the worst of ideas.
Effie:
Especially those that can drive themselves around, that’s a tale of hubris right there.
Zebulon:
And then we found ourselves in your backyard.
Effie:
I had myself a feeling about this place. I knew we were somewhere in your vicinity.
Leif:
(On the roof.) You can’t achieve entanglement across dimensional barriers, that’s insane!
Ava:
(On the roof.) Oh, and you know this because of all the research that’s been done on trans-dimensional travel?
Leif:
(On the roof.) You’re just making shit up now!
Ava:
(On the roof.) I’m a theorist, Leif, making shit up is may jam!
Effie:
How long are they going to go round and round?
Gloria:
We haven’t had any new information for several months. This story about these three sisters has got them pretty excited.
Caspar:
So, you two didn’t remember them either, huh?
Zebulon:
Shocking to say, but no. It wasn’t until you began to recount the story that it all came back to us.
Gloria:
I think they’re both a little jealous.
Effie:
Oh? Do tell.
Gloria:
I think Leif’s a little jealous that Caspar was on an adventure with someone else and Ava is a little jealous that someone else got to abuse Caspar for a while.
Effie:
True to form. So, here we all are, where to next do we think?
Gloria:
Honestly, it doesn’t look like we’re going anywhere, we’ve been stuck here for months.
Effie:
Let’s not roll around in the dirt, Gloria. We’ve been down many a time, never out.
Zebulon:
And let us take stock of our blessings. We are all together. That has always been good news for us.
Effie:
And bad news for those that need some bad news.
Zebulon:
We are safe and sound at least.
Effie:
There appears to be worse places to be stuck.
Zebulon:
And Caspar. Your son.
Caspar:
Yeah. It’s been really weird.
Zebulon:
All this time and you land in his back yard.
Caspar:
Yeah... It’s been good. He’s still testing the waters, I think. He tries to make me mad a lot, trying to see how I’ll react.
Gloria:
He’s pretty great, Caspar.
Caspar:
Yeah, he is.
Leif:
(From the roof.) Caspar!
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
Where did you say they were headed?
Caspar:
Cryptessia.
Leif:
Okay... Okay I think I figured something out, y’all better come up here.
Caspar:
Here we go again.
They make their way to the back of the diner.
Gloria:
How’s your head? That was a lot of new information for you.
Caspar:
Yeah. That was really weird, a whole lot of memories just rushed at me.
Gloria:
I guess it was bound to happen eventually.
Caspar:
Sure... I’ve got an entire lifetime just sleeping somewhere in my brain.
Gloria:
This has never happened before?
Caspar:
There’s been small random things. Nothing like this. Do you think they’re going to suggest opening up my skull?
Gloria:
Eventually, sure.
Ava:
So what is this place you’re talking about?
Leif:
I’m bringing up the star maps. This is bad!
Gloria:
How’s he doing?
Ava:
Leif’s still a little drunk but I think it’s actually helping, can we get him drunk more often?
Gloria:
No.
Leif:
Okay, here’s the deal. Caspar’s old friends are in a lot of trouble. They’re sending us a distress call.
Gloria:
Why?
Caspar:
Also how?
Leif:
You say they’re headed to Cryptessia.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
That’s bad.
Gloria:
What’s Cryptessia?
Leif:
It’s a galaxy.
Ava:
Why have I not heard of this galaxy?
Leif:
You have. To an Earthling it’s Leo.
Ava:
Aha.
Leif:
It’s bad.
Ava:
Why is it bad?
Leif:
I’m going to show you.So, there was a lot of talk about Cryptessia a while back in The Triad. Mainly, because it was next. The Teds had dominated The Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum, and Crytpessia was the next closest place. People liked to fantasize about somehow getting to a place where there were no Teds. Every once and a while you’d hear about some crank who had discovered a stable wormhole that would take you to Cryptessia, but it was always bullshit. The only ones who had a solid plan to get there: our old friends, The Teds. The Teds were going to get to Cryptessia, open up the biggest warp gate they’d ever built, and then proceed to fuck up that galaxy as well.
Gloria:
These assholes again?
Leif:
The only problem with The Ted Empire’s plan to get to Cryptessia? Time. The Teds would need to get to Cryptessia to open up the other end of their warp gate and they would have to get there the old fashioned way. No warp gates, just firing up the engines and burning for a long time. It was going to take them decades but, as we speak, there is a fully automated Ted ship headed there right now. Apparently Caspar’s old pals had a plan to use the diner to get there before the Teds.
Effie:
So these sisters were a group of Oklahoma Sooners, is what you’re saying.
Leif:
Essentially.
Gloria:
That doesn’t sound like a bad plan, but how did they know the diner was going to take them there?
Leif:
Caspar, you were saying one of them had figured out how to predict the diner’s path?
Caspar:
Libuza. She had this massive computer mainframe thing called a Vistek that was hooked up to her brain.
Gloria:
How’s it possible to predict where we go?
Ava:
It sounds like superdeterminism.
Gloria:
Hoo boy. What is that?
Ava:
The idea that free will doesn’t exist and that everything is predictable.
Gloria:
... Okay I’m just going to take that part of the conversation and put that right over here and then we’re going to just move on.
Ava:
Great.
Gloria:
She has a thing that predicts the future.
Ava:
Sure, let’s say that.
Gloria:
And she used it to figure out how the diner would take them to this galaxy, Cryptessia.
Ava:
Yes.
Gloria:
Again, it sounds like a good plan.
Leif:
It’s a very bad plan. Let me show you why.
Leif fires up the command center.
Leif:
Okay, everybody look up on the Zenith.
Gloria:
Oh, this is good, we need more visual aids around here, FYI.
Leif:
This is the local group, AKA The Triad. There’s us, The Milky Way, there’s Andromeda, home of the original coalition, there’s Triangulum, where we blew up the wind chimes. Off to the side here is Leo, a dwarf galaxy AKA Cryptessia. That’s where these three sisters were headed, that’s where The Teds are headed. Have I mentioned that that’s bad?
Caspar:
No, Leif, you haven’t mentioned that.
Ava:
I haven’t heard anything about it.
Gloria:
And Leif is getting to the point in five, four, three...
Leif:
Okay look. I’m a pirate.
Effie:
Leif, it still gives me the humors when you say that.
Zebulon:
Oh yes, oh yes, a pirate, he.
Leif:
Pirates are not logical creatures. We are superstitious, we are metaphysical, we are often drunk and high.
Zebulon:
You are often wearing odd pants.
Effie:
You are often grogg-drinking while bird-shouldered.
Caspar:
Did the Mucklewains get funnier while they were away?
Ava:
I think so?
Leif:
I’m being serious here.
Gloria:
Said the drunk guy with the tiny robot.
Leif:
Do you want to hear this or not?
Gloria:
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Continue.
Leif:
... Even lawless people have laws they make for themselves. Pirates don’t listen to anyone, but they do respect at least one thing: “Here be dragons.” That ominous warning at the end of a map...
Leif zooms in the map.
Leif:
This is a map of Cryptessia.
He zooms in again.
Leif:
This is quadrant 4 of Cryptessia.
He zooms in again.
Leif:
This is the outer edge of quadrant 4... I zoom in one more time...
Leif zooms in again.
Caspar:
... What the fuck is that?
Gloria:
It... looks like an egg.
Effie:
Oh, I do not like that at all.
Ava:
Leif, why is there an egg on a stellar map?
Leif:
It’s not an egg. I think it’s a solar system. A solar system that’s entirely cloaked.
Ava:
How do you cloak an entire solar system?
Leif:
I have no fucking idea. But that’s the only explanation I’ve ever been able to come up with.
Caspar:
I don’t like it.
Ava:
If it’s cloaked, why can we see it?
Leif:
My guess? They don’t mind people knowing they’re there. They just don’t want people to know what they’re up to.
Caspar:
Like tinted windows on a limousine.
Gloria:
Who is “they”?
Leif:
So it goes like this: Caspar has some old friends. They somehow send him a distress call. As soon as they do, we’re attacked and stranded in Pasadena. And his friends just happen to be in the same galaxy as this thing. Whatever it is... Back when we were wrapping things up with Clementine, I said something to Ava. “There’s somebody new in town.”... I think they just said hello... “Here be dragons.”
Gloria:
So this is all connected.
Leif:
I think it is. Or I’m just drunk. But I could also be drunk and right. Which happens sometimes.
Gloria:
Leif, correct me if I’m wrong, but galaxies are big.
Leif:
They are.
Gloria:
Even the dwarf ones.
Leif:
Yes.
Gloria:
Why would one weird egg looking thing in one part of this galaxy have anything to do these three sisters being in trouble, it could just be a coincidence.
Leif:
This is the other thing about Cryptessia: There’s nothing going on there. Look at The Triad: three galaxies full of civilizations, some of them highly advanced, a lot of them space-faring. Sure it’s got it’s undeveloped pockets like the one we’re sitting on right now, but generally speaking it’s a well-developed system. But then, right next door, is Cryptessia. There are civilizations there, sure. But none of them appear to be space-faring, none of them appear to be advanced in any way. Compared to The Triad, Cryptessia is Amish country.
Ava:
And you think that’s because of Satan’s Easter Egg on the screen here.
Leif:
I think so. Add to that: these three sisters headed there and then sent out a distress call. I think we’re off to the races.
Caspar:
That feels kind of thin, Leif.
Leif:
It’s all we’ve got to work with right now.
Gloria:
Even if Leif’s right, that doesn’t mean we’re off to the races. Why?
Caspar:
Because we’re stuck in Pasadena.
Gloria:
That’s right. Any ideas on how we get unstuck from Pasadena?
Ava:
No.
Leif:
No idea.
Gloria:
Then even if it is a distress call we’re getting, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Ava:
We can at least stay on top of the message. Odds are they’re going to reach out again. I can keep my eyes on Caspar’s brain, see if there’s anything we can get from the numbers they send.
Gloria:
Good.
Caspar:
Please keep your eyes out of my brain.
Ava:
My eyes are going to be so up in your brain.
Caspar:
That sounds gross.
Ava:
You sound gross.
Leif:
It really sucks that we get all this new information, and we still have to sit here.
Zebulon:
Worry not, Leif. At times all there is to do is light a fire and wait for the Lord to do his work.
Leif:
Guys, I’m not going to wait around for a sign from God.
Gloria:
Maybe not a sign from God, but we need some kind of something from somewhere.
Leif:
Fine, I’ll wait for a sign, but I’m not getting my hopes up.
Caspar:
What is that noise?
Down the street we hear an entire herd of sheep. The sheep slowly travel down the empty street and then COALESCE around the diner. They bleet their confusion into the night sky.
Caspar:
Uh... sheep.
Gloria:
The uh... the diner is surrounded by sheep, is this a Pasadena thing?
Caspar:
There is not an annual running of the sheep in Pasadena.
Zebulon:
Oh my.
Ava:
What the what?
Leif:
This is fucked up, what’s happening right now?
Caspar:
Maybe they escaped?
Leif:
From where?
Gloria:
Any ideas what’s going on right now?
Zebulon:
Gloria, if it helps, I believe this is a herd of Lincoln Longwools. Fetch a nice price on the open market.
Effie:
Zebulon loves to knit with a Longwool, y’all, I’m wearing those sock right now, dear.
Zebulon:
I look down yonder and all I see is socks.
Gloria:
That doesn’t help, Zebulon, but thank you.
Ava:
I’m going down there.
Caspar:
Ava, c’mon, don’t go into the weird sheep.
Ava:
It’ll be fine.
Ava heads down the ladder.
Caspar:
What if they’re radioactive?
Ava:
Caspar, I promise not to go down and see the sheep if you can explain to me exactly what “radioactive” means.
Caspar:
... It means bad.
Ava:
Bye.
Zebulon:
Never thought I’d say this, but this situation calls for a loom.
Down in the parking lot, ava is among the sheep.
Ava:
Hello fuzzy things... what are you telling me?... What are you telling me right now... Sheep sheep sheep sheep... sheep... Okay... A priori assessment: interrupted system due to unknown intervention, results of interruption not random therefore system in place, what is the system? What is the system in place, sheeps? Random and constant catalyst sent into dormancy, where does a catalyst go? Where does it rest? Without said catalyst... What continues? System continues without the catalyst... system imbalance. System imbalance? System imbalance leads to upstarts. Mutations in response to a vacuum. What is the vacuum’s causal chain? The catalyst leads to the vacuum leads to the upstarts leads to the mutations. The Fine-Tuned Universe, David... dissonance... looking to resolve a chord...
And just as quickly as they arrived, the sheep disappear into thin air.
Ava:
Ohhh baby.
Caspar:
... Okay... They have disappeared now.
Gloria:
Sure... sure they did.
Leif:
What in the transdimensional-sheep is going on here?
Gloria:
Ava?
Ava:
That was excellent. That was great stuff.
Effie:
Don’t worry y’all, I’m sure that wasn’t a sign from God.
Gloria laughs.
Caspar:
What?
Gloria:
Anyone else feel normal for the first time in months?
Ava:
Yes.
Leif:
Kind of.
Caspar:
I guess so.
Gloria:
Okay... Okay, now we’re talking... Ava can you-
Door chime.
Gloria:
And she’s gone... Okay, we know where she’s headed. Get her some coffee, don’t get too close.
Effie:
Is she doing that business where she goes off and bakes us a little cake?
Gloria:
Welcome back, Mucklewains.
Zebulon:
Good to be back, Gloria.
Gloria:
I’m going to sleep.
Caspar:
How can you go to sleep after that?
Gloria:
I’ve got to work tomorrow, Caspar. Besides if I’m tossing and turning I’ll just... count sheep.
Morning in the kitchen. Gloria cooks while caspar recEIves another message from kazi. He writes down the numbers as she recites them.
Kazi:
(In Caspar’s head.) 1... 4... 1... 5... 9... 2... 6... 5... 5... 8... 9... 7... 9... 2... 8... 4... 6... 2... 6... 4...
Caspar:
Ow... This better be fucking worth it, Kazi.
Gloria:
More numbers?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Gloria:
That’s the third time this morning. I guess the damn broke or something.
Caspar:
Or something.
Gloria:
Are you writing them all down?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Good.
Caspar:
How’re you doing in here?
Gloria:
Well, Caspar, I’m sorry about the annoying voice in your head but I’m doing great.
Caspar:
I can tell.
Gloria:
Comeback trail, Caspar.
Caspar:
Sure.
Gloria:
Did you go across the street and get those beers?
Caspar:
Oh, yeah. Why am I buying beer at nine AM?
Gloria:
Modelo Especial?
Caspar:
It’s Modelo Especial, yes.
Gloria:
Give me one.
Caspar hands her a bottle. She cracks it open and pours it into a glass.
Caspar:
Are we celebrating?
Gloria:
No. You take a lime... And you squeeze it into the beer... Then a pinch of salt... then... a little secret family recipe hot sauce...
Caspar:
You’re going to drink that?
Gloria:
No.
Leif enters through the back door.
Leif:
I feel like I am dead.
Gloria:
Here, drink this.
Leif:
Okay...
Leif drinks the whole thing.
Leif:
This works... What is this?
Gloria:
Michelada.
Leif:
Good. Another?
Gloria:
Sure.
Leif:
Okay. Ava still the prime minister of Mathistan?
Caspar:
Yeah, she’s been going all night.
Leif:
Cool. New numbers?
Caspar:
Yeah, third time this morning.
Leif:
Let’s see... Huh... well that was easy.
Caspar:
What?
Leif:
It’s Pi.
Caspar:
The numbers are Pi?
Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Why is she sending me Pi?
Leif:
It’s deliberately incomplete. See here. That string is pi but all the eights are missing. This one is seven, this one is three.
Caspar:
What’s that about?
Gloria:
They want us to assemble all the missing numbers.
Leif:
That’s what I’m thinking. Not the most ironclad code in the world. I thought you said they were all geniuses.
Gloria:
Well, it had to be simple.
Leif:
It did? Oh, right.
Caspar:
What?
Leif:
It had to be a simple code.
Caspar:
Why?
Gloria:
Because of who she’s sending it to.
Caspar:
Goddamnit, the amount of times I get called an idiot in a given day.
Gloria:
Sorry.
Leif:
I’ll keep collecting numbers. The more numbers we get more I’ll have a clear picture.
Caspar:
So I’m just a walking telephone right now.
Leif:
Basically.
Caspar:
Great.
Leif:
Hey. Tell me again about the last time you were attacked. It was usually The Teds but the last time it was someone else?
Caspar:
Yeah. It was pretty terrifying. Guns didn’t work on them, grenades didn’t work.
Leif:
And how did you get rid of them?
Caspar:
Actually, it was the first time I ever did Colorado Southpaw.
Leif:
Really?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
You lured them into the deep freeze?
Caspar:
Right.
Gloria:
Hang on. What?
Caspar:
... Colorado Southpaw.
Leif:
It was... It was one of the ways Caspar and I used to get rid of undesirables.
Gloria:
You would lure people into the deep freeze?!
Leif:
... Yes?
Gloria:
Undesirables?
Leif:
Really bad people, Gloria. Only when we had to.
Gloria:
You told me Vladimir was the only one to get lost in there.
Leif:
Yes...
Caspar:
That is true...
Leif:
He was the only one to get lost in there... on accident.
Gloria:
How many goddamn people did you send into the deep freeze?!
Leif:
Not a lot.
Caspar:
A handful.
Leif:
I think twelve.
Caspar:
Well with these other three that’s now-
Leif:
Fifteen people, tops.
Gloria:
Don’t send people into the deep freeze!
Caspar:
Well we can’t anymore, Gloria.
Leif:
I fixed the door.
Caspar:
Leif fixed the door, also, a certain somebody decided to go and domesticate the wolves, now they’d only be in danger of getting cuddled to death.
Gloria:
... Why was it called Colorado southpaw?
Caspar:
Colorado Southpaw... C.S.... Cold Storage...
Gloria:
It was just a fucking clown car around here until I showed up, wasn’t it?
Caspar:
Confirmed. I need to bring Ava some more pencils, I’d better get to sharpening.
Gloria:
... Fine.
Caspar starts sharpening pencils.
Caspar:
Hey, Leif, what was the deal with their Dad? They kept talking about how their Dad was some important guy?
Leif:
Krok, right?
Caspar:
Maybe.
Leif:
It’s probably bullshit.
Caspar:
What’s probably bullshit?
Leif:
Well, if you’ll forgive the extra helping of Triad lore: in The Triad, before the Ted Empire came along and connected everything with warp gates, huge swaths of The Triad were controlled by warlords.
Caspar:
Warlords?
Leif:
Yeah. Genghis Khan style. They had an armada of ships and they hopped from star system to star system conquering planets. As you can imagine with warlords, they were all pretty colorful, right? Everybody had a gimmick. Emperor BugBug Had a ship the size of a moon, Capo the Sartorius was a centipede, The Croad Nation were actually a pile of telepathic rodents, Kalasin was a quote-unquote Void Witch, you get it.
Caspar:
Sure.
Leif:
The most interesting of the lot was this guy Krok. Krok the Propigator.
Caspar:
The Propigator?
Leif:
Yeah. Military genius, apparently. Krok conquered his own planet, then he built a fleet of ships and conquered a big patch of Andromeda. He would find a dysfunctional planet, conquer it, get married, have some kids, then get back on his ship and do the same thing on the next habitable planet. Krok the Propigator.
Caspar:
How many times can you do that in one lifetime?
Leif:
Well, that was the other thing about Krok. Krok claimed that he was a direct descendant of this ancient race that initially populated The Triad. They lived for centuries and moved from planet to planet, and Krok claimed that he could have kids with a lot of different races because he was everyone’s common ancestor.
Caspar:
But you think it’s bullshit.
Leif:
Yeah, I think it’s PR. A great way to hype yourself up if you’re putting together a crime syndicate or a rebellion is to say you’re a descendant of one of these old warlords. Highly unlikely they’re actually related to Krok if you ask me.
Caspar:
Okay, how about the more pressing issue of how I’m hearing a voice in my head.
Leif:
I’m working on it. But look, Ava’s onto something, The Mucklewains are back, there was sheep in the parking lot, exactly how they’re piping a voice into your head is a bit of a side-quest right now, so it’s a little further down the list.
Caspar:
Great. Well, enjoy your cocktail, I’m going to go refill Ava’s coffee and try to not get beheaded.
Gloria:
Good luck!
Caspar walks out into the dining room. The radio is playing music. David walks in.
Caspar:
Hey.
David:
What’s up?
Caspar:
You’re here.
David:
I am.
Caspar:
What’s going on?
David:
I’m here.
Caspar:
You were here yesterday.
David:
Are you not open?
Caspar:
No, no, it’s great I just thought Saturday was our day.
David:
Don’t say “our day”.
Caspar:
I’m sorry I thought Saturday was the day that you come by in a very non-committal, could-happen, might-not-happen, don’t-worry-about-it, kind of way.
David:
Better.
Caspar:
What’s up?
David:
I came to see Gloria, actually.
Caspar:
Great.
David:
You fixed the radio.
Caspar:
We did. Sounds great, doesn’t it?
David:
I get it now. With the radio, I get the vibe.
Caspar:
Sure. Vibes. So, Gloria’s in the back but, hey, since you’re here, you should probably learn what I’m about to do.
David:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
As you can see to my right here, Ava is currently writing in one of her books.
David:
She always is.
Caspar:
This is a very special time, though. Every once and a while she kind of goes on a tear and loses contact with time and space and literally won’t talk to anyone until she’s done with whatever she’s got going on. If she’s disturbed during this time, it is bad for everyone. However, pencils get worn down, coffee gets drunk, occasionally we have to go in for a re-supply.
David:
This is ridiculous.
Caspar:
Oh yes, David. Yes it is. But here we are. As you can see I have a pot of coffee in one hand and in the other hand a cup of sharpened pencils. We move slowly toward the booth, come with me, here we go... The trick is to move so slowly that you could be mistaken for furniture. Is that someone moving towards the booth or is it my imagination? Who can say... Now we’ve arrived at the booth, I set down the pencils, I pour the coffee.
Caspar pours coffee.
David:
Hey, Ava.
Caspar:
Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh. Our task accomplished, we slowly move away until we are at fifty feet minimum safe distance... Okay. And I do that about once an hour.
David:
... What is going on with you two?
Caspar:
What?
David:
What is going on with you two?
Caspar:
I’m sorry, what’s that, David, I can’t hear you?
David:
What is going-
Caspar:
I’m sorry what’s that David I can’t hear you.
David:
...
Caspar:
It’s not a thing to be talked about.
David:
You’re-
Caspar:
Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh... It’s Orpheus in the underworld, kiddo. You turn around and the lady vanishes. C’mon, Gloria’s in the kitchen.
Effie:
(Whispering to Zebulon.) ... Well. Look at that nice young man that just walked in, Dear.
Zebulon:
He appears to have grown up quite nicely hasn’t he?
Effie:
It just steams me up that we’re not able to talk to him.
Zebulon:
I believe Caspar’s head would quickly leave his body, were we to do that.
Effie:
And since when is that a reason to not do a thing?
Zebulon:
I’ll admit it is tempting to reach out and say hello, but we must reconsider our comportment now that we’ve returned home. Don’t want to send anyone screaming out the front door and all.
Effie:
...
Zebulon:
... Dear?
Effie:
Something ain’t right.
Zebulon:
Oh my, what appears to be trouble?
Effie:
I ain’t sure yet... hmmmm... I am getting the feeling that... yes... we have a snoop.
Zebulon:
Beg pardon?
Effie:
Someone’s snooping.
Zebulon:
A snoop.
Effie:
Someone is sniffing around our environs and I don’t like it one bit.
Zebulon:
Who could it be?
Effie:
I’m unsure... keep an eye out husband.
Zebulon:
My eyes are out...
Back in the kitchen.
David:
So y’all are just having cocktail hour in the kitchen?
Leif:
It’s a special occasion.
David:
What’s that?
Leif:
I’m hungover.
David:
That’s ridiculous and also where’s mine?
Gloria:
I’ll make you one.
David:
Hey, am I crazy or did my phone tell me this morning that not only was the Tesla Bandit an unmanned car but that it also crashed and burned right in front of your place last night?
Gloria:
...
Caspar:
...
Leif:
...
Gloria:
I didn’t hear anything about it.
Caspar:
I don’t know what you mean.
Leif:
Don’t look at me, I was drunk.
David:
Uh huh.
Caspar:
Gloria, David is actually here to talk to you today.
Gloria:
Oh really? I feel special.
David:
You should, I went to work on the weekend for you.
Gloria:
You did? Why?
David:
I told you, I was going to look you up.
Gloria:
David, you didn’t have to do that.
David:
I know, but I was curious.
Gloria:
David, I was the first generation of my family born in America, you’re not going to find anything in Los Angeles.
David:
Oh, but I did.
David opens a file and takes out a photograph.
Gloria:
Who is that?
David:
That’s your great grandmother.
Gloria:
... Shut up.
Leif:
No way.
Caspar:
Holy shit.
Gloria:
That’s... how do you know?
David:
It took some doing. I had to coordinate with some city archivists in Tucson and Phoenix.
Caspar:
Who just happened to be at work on the weekend too?
David:
We have a group chat. It is filthy.
Gloria:
Are you sure about this?
David:
Are you saying I don’t know my business?
Gloria:
David, why would my family come all the way up here from Mexico and then go back down to Mexico?
David:
She was from here.
Gloria:
What?
David:
She was born here. Here are the records, see? San Gabriel Township, 1898.
Gloria:
“ Narisca Tujunga.”
David:
That’s her.
Gloria:
That’s not a Mexican name.
David:
She wasn’t Mexican.
Gloria:
What.
David:
She was Kizh(pronounced “ Keech”).
Gloria:
I don’t...
David:
Gloria, you were saying you don’t have a connection to this place? Your family history goes back all the way to the very first damn human beings to ever set foot in damn southern California. The Kizh. They were here for thousands of years before the Spanish. They had trade routes up and down the coast, they studied astronomy. You have a deeper connection to this place than most people.
Caspar:
That kind of looks like you, Gloria.
Gloria:
How did I not know about this?
David:
It’s easy to miss. This photo was taken on her wedding day. It looks like she worked in a tequila bottling factory. She married a man named-
Gloria:
Alejandro De Mendoza.
David:
That’s right. He brought barrels of tequila up from Mexico to be bottled. I’m guessing that’s where they met, and she moved with him down to Mexico.
Leif:
Wow.
Caspar:
David, this is amazing.
David:
Not bad, right?
Gloria:
She’s beautiful.
Leif:
Caspar, outside for a minute.
Gloria:
Tell me everything.
Caspar:
We’ll be right back.
Caspar and leif walk out the backdoor.
Caspar:
What’s up? What’s happening?
Leif:
Ava and I have been trying to find out what the fuck is happening to us.
Caspar:
Right.
Leif:
A big part of that is “why here, why now?”
Caspar:
Okay.
Leif:
The chances of us being here on accident is nearly zero.
Caspar:
Why?
Leif:
Because of what just happened in there. Your son is here, Ava used to work here, I almost worked here.
Caspar:
You almost worked here?
Leif:
Yeah. JPL flew me out for a job interview in college.
Caspar:
I’m sure that went well.
Leif:
It was actually a pretty fun week, I stole a cop car.
Caspar:
Jesus Christ, dude.
Leif:
Anyway, the thing that was making it feel more random was Gloria, because she doesn’t have any connection to this place.
Caspar:
But now she does.
Leif:
Exactly.
Caspar:
So what does that mean?
Leif:
I don’t know. Are we here on purpose?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Leif:
We need Ava back, let’s go check on her.
Caspar:
Okay.
Caspar and LEIF walk back inside.
David:
It doesn’t surprise me that she moved away. That was a bad time in history to be a Kizh. Then again, the only good time for the Kizh was before any white people showed up.
Caspar:
Speaking of white people showing up. Hi.
Gloria:
What’s going on, you two?
Caspar:
Uh, Leif just told me something really funny that I think Ava would love, we’ll be right back.
David:
What was so funny?
Leif:
It’s a scientist thing. Inside science joke.
David:
What?
Caspar:
We’ll be right back.
David:
... Remind me to get to the bottom of that later.
Caspar:
(Popping back in.) Hey, David, thank you so much for doing this, this is amazing.
David:
It’s no problem.
Gloria:
David, you’re blowing my mind right now.
David:
I’ll admit, I was not expecting what I found.
Gloria:
My grandmother always said something about having indigenous in the family, but I always thought she meant Tepehuanes or something, since that’s where she was from. This... wow.
David:
... Hey, listen...
Gloria:
... What?
David:
I’m assuming the old man’s told you the whole story right? About him and me?
Gloria:
Yeah, he’s told me.
David:
So... I know what it’s like to want to leave... to have to leave... I get it... Okay?
Gloria:
What are you talking about, David?
David gets another piece of paper out of the file.
David:
Gloria, this is a missing persons report filed by a man named Cesar Benitez...
Gloria:
... Oh...
David:
... You’ve been missing for four years, Gloria.
Gloria:
...
David:
...
Gloria:
... David-
David:
It’s okay... Look, I get into it with people. When I get into a room I tag every person I don’t know and I get right into it with them, figure out what their whole deal is. Maybe it’s a survival thing. Maybe I’m looking for threats... But I know when to stop... I’m stopping now, okay?
Gloria:
... Okay.
Out in the dining room.
Caspar:
She’s gone.
Leif:
She’s gone.
Caspar:
(Whispering.) Mucklewains, what happened to Ava?
Effie:
(Whispering.) She’s come to, y’all. She’s out in the parking lot.
Leif:
I see her, let’s go.
Caspar:
Okay.
Effie:
(Whispering.) Well, take us too, dang it!
Caspar:
Sorry!
They all walk out into the parking lot.
Caspar:
What is she doing?
Ava:
Talk to me, Colorado Boulevard.
Leif:
Ava?
Ava:
C’mon....
Caspar:
Ava I think you may need to lay down.
Ava:
Good idea.
Ava lays down on the ground.
Caspar:
Not in the parking lot.
Ava:
It’s fine... What’s been going on?
Leif:
David uncovered that Gloria’s great-grandmother is from here.
Ava:
No shit?
Leif:
No shit.
Ava:
Nice.
Caspar:
Leif was saying that might mean something.
Ava:
Oh it means something alright.
Caspar:
What?
Ava:
I mean, I know, but I don’t know.
Caspar:
Okay.
Leif:
Why are you out here now?
Caspar:
What did you discover in the math hole?
Ava:
Whoever fucked with us was unable to fuck with us in the way they wanted to fuck with us.
Leif:
How do you know that?
Ava:
Because of gophers.
Leif:
... Uh...
Caspar:
Has it finally happened, have we finally broken Ava?
Effie:
Hang on y’all, she’s finally speaking our language. Tell us about the gophers, Ava.
Ava:
Any problems with gophers on the farm, Mucklewains?
Zebulon:
Well, as I say there is death, there is taxes, and there is rodentia. All are inevitable.
Ava:
And how do you get rid of gophers?
Zebulon:
There are multiple ways, none of them foolproof.
Effie:
You can set traps, also try and poison them.
Zebulon:
But the traps can be avoided, and the poison’s just no good to have around the house.
Effie:
Remember John Pruitt?
Zebulon:
Oh my, yes, John Pruitt down the way used to work in a silver mine and knew his way around explosives.
Effie:
Old John would grow frustrated at times and start shoving sticks of dynamite down in the gopher holes.
Zebulon:
You could hear him for miles.
Effie:
We told him he was out of his head for turning his farm into the battle of Gettysburg but his only response was “Works don’t it?”
Zebulon:
Which it did, but solving the problem of holes in your farmland by putting even bigger holes in your farmland seems barely a solution.
Effie:
That’s correct.
Zebulon:
One too many times down the mine for John if you’re asking me.
Ava:
And if none of that works?
Zebulon:
Well, you could try sticking a garden hose down one of the holes and flooding the entire subterranean metropolis they’ve built.
Ava:
Right. That’s the one I’m talking about. You pump water into a gopher hole and the gopher gets flushed into its network of holes. But it can only end up in a place it’s already been to. We were attacked and we were flushed back through our gopher hole.
Caspar:
We’ve never been here with the diner though.
Ava:
But we each have a connection here. Something that connects us to this place. It’s a connection we all have in common.
Caspar:
There are hundreds of places we all have in common.
Ava:
Right. That part was random. We could’ve ended up on Thegrion or Ice Age Earth or the outskirts of Triangulum, anywhere we have a connection to. But we ended up here.
Leif:
So it’s random that we ended up here, but there’s only a certain number of places we could’ve ended up?
Ava:
Yes. There’s something about connections, I’m not sure what, something about entanglement between different versions of ourselves. There’s a whole ecosystem out there. Its not just an assemblage of dimensions, there’s... an environment.
Caspar:
And I’m reeling you back in, Ava.
Ava:
Right. Whoever attacked us wasn’t in control of where we go, they were just trying to flush us out with a garden hose.
Leif:
Interesting.
Effie:
I’ve got a question about sheep coming up, Ava.
Cars suddenly swerve in the street and honk as a massive flock of ducks comes waddling down the street, all of them quacking.
Leif:
What the fuck?
Caspar:
Ava?... Ava there’s ducks now.
Ava:
Mad. Scientist. Thundercrash.
Zebulon:
Hate to say it but things are getting downright familiar around here.
Caspar:
Ava, goddamnit with the ducks, what is happening?
Ava:
This is what happens when you fuck with the system, you idiots!
Leif:
Who are you talking to?
Ava:
Whoever!
Caspar:
Ava.
Ava:
We know now that the diner is a natural catalyst. A change agent. Almost like a natural force like erosion or the tides or something. But it’s been shuttered. We’ve been out of business for eight months now. That doesn’t change the need for it, that doesn’t change how the universe works it just throws things out of whack! It’s like pressure is building up slowly, and eventually that pressure is going to express itself somehow.
Leif:
Express itself with ducks?
Ava:
Or sheep!
Caspar:
Why is it ducks or sheep?
Ava:
Because it turns out the universe is a little bit silly!
Effie:
So we’re just going to keep getting livestock strolling down the street?
Ava:
I don’t know, it could be anything!
Leif:
This is going to keep happening?
Ava:
Oh yes. It’s going to be ridiculous.
Caspar:
Shit.
Leif:
David’s here.
Caspar:
Shit!
Leif:
We need to get him out of here.
Caspar:
We’ve got to get him out of here. Shit. I can’t just tell him to leave, it could screw things up.
Leif:
And how will it screw things up when a herd of oxen starts walking down the street?
Ava:
That would be dope.
Caspar:
Fuck, I’ll tell him there’s a gas leak or something.
Effie:
Y’all, may I offer a suggestion?
Caspar:
What?
Zebulon:
Effie and I have discussed this at length.
Effie:
I’m sure ya’ll are about to concoct some sort of story to get that young man gone before the strangeness makes itself known.
Caspar:
Yes, what do you suggest?
Zebulon:
Nothing, Caspar.
Caspar:
What the hell are you talking about?
Effie:
Caspar, that is a fine young man, you have there. He’s polite without harming sincerity, he’s up for a fight when need be, and he has taken it upon himself to rebuild bridges when they’re broken.
Caspar:
I agree.
Zebulon:
But Effie and I are afraid that this work with him has begun with deception.
Caspar:
Oh, come on.
Zebulon:
Now, we understand there needed to be a bit of that.
Effie:
You didn’t want him to think you’d sprung a leak in your head.
Zebulon:
But now, here we are, amidst a cadre of sheep and ducks and whatever’s to come.
Effie:
And we say to heck with it.
Zebulon:
Sometimes we wish to obscure ourselves to keep the ones we love nearby. They cannot possibly want to see our true selves, so we are always putting on a show, a performance to keep them in their seats.
Effie:
And while all that’s understandable, it is still proceeding in dishonesty.
Zebulon:
And so we have decided: to heck with it.
Caspar:
You want me to just be honest with him? That I’m from an alternate reality and I ride on the back of a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner?
Effie:
Listen to yourself say it, Caspar. Doesn’t it feel good to just say it.
Zebulon:
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body."
Effie:
I, for one, think that boy would be proud to know who his father truly is. I can assure you, that we are.
Zebulon:
So much time spent hiding our strangeness from others. So much time spent being ashamed of our true selves. Enough, my friend.
Caspar:
I think you’re forgetting that part of that honesty is me saying I’m not his father.
Zebulon:
Have you ever felt more like a father than in this moment? Is that enough to call yourself a father?
Caspar:
... Okay, look. Let’s break up this weird little meeting okay? Leif can you go brief Gloria? I’ll keep acting like we’re a diner until... I don’t know, until the next thing happens.
Leif:
Sounds good. Ava, what are you going to do?
Ava:
I’m good right here.
Leif:
On the ground?
Ava:
Well, Caspar’s about to ask me if I want a club sandwich, so I’m good.
Leif:
Okay. Give me the radio.
Ava:
Leif, the numbers in Caspar’s head, they’re pi?
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
But one number’s missing each time?
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
It’s spatial coordinates.
Leif:
Is it?
Ava:
It’s a distress call right? They’re telling us where they are. They’re giving us spatial coordinates, we add timing conventions and an Earth bias?
Leif:
Aha. Okay, I’ll go see how many more numbers we need.
Ava:
Nice.
Leif:
And for what it’s worth, I agree with the Mucklewains. We’ve been trying to pretend we’re Earthlings for eight months now. Let’s just be us.
Lief walks back inside.
Caspar:
Do you want a club sandwich?
Ava:
I thought you’d never ask, schmoopie.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ava:
Caspar.
Caspar:
Yeah?
Ava:
The Mucklewains are right.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Caspar walks back inside. Ava is approached by a pair of high heels.
Fran:
Ava...
Ava:
Frelp!
Fran:
What are you doing on the ground?
Ava:
Well, believe it or not, I’m at work.
Fran:
Get up.
Ava:
I can’t, I have a club sandwich on the way.
Fran:
What?
Ava:
What are you doing here, Fran? Ooh! Did you bring our trophy?
Fran:
There’s no fucking trophy, Ava.
Ava:
Could you have one made real quick?
Fran:
Ava get up!
Ava:
Okay, okay, jeez. What’s going on, Frelp, what are you doing here?
Fran:
Trying to salvage what’s left of my career.
Ava:
In the parking lot?
Fran:
You completely fucked up my life, Ava!!
Ava:
I mean, fight club in the basement, Fran. It wasn’t fucked up already?
Fran:
Where’s the robot?
Ava:
The robot? He has a name.
Fran:
Where is it?
Ava:
I don’t know. Around. What’s going on, Fran?
Fran:
I’m here to collect it.
Ava:
What?
Fran:
The robot, give me the robot.
Ava:
Get your own robot.
Fran gets a large contract out of her bag.
Fran:
Do you know what this is?
Ava:
No autographs, please.
Fran:
It’s your contract with JPL. Can I direct your attention to page 19, subset D?
Ava:
Please do, it’s my favorite of the subsets.
Fran:
Everything you make while under contract with Jet Propulsion Laboratory belongs to us. Give me the robot.
Ava:
I didn’t make the robot.
Fran:
I’ve discussed this with our lawyers and technically speaking you were on the creative team that designed said robot, therefore it belongs to us, give me the robot.
Ava:
No.
Fran:
Ava!
Ava:
Frelp!
Fran:
I don’t know what I was thinking inviting you last night. I mean, of COURSE you were going to ruin it.
Ava:
That’s a sick burn, Fran, but I have to agree.
Fran:
We had a good thing going down there. It was a nice way to blow off steam at the end of the month. And then along comes Ava.
Ava:
That’s what you get for inviting me.
Fran:
We had a few new users watching online last night. Two of them were Fireball XL 5 and Manglerfish. Guess who they really were?
Ava:
Hall and Oats?
Fran:
The Deputy Secretary of Defense and the goddamn Secretary of Defense himself.
Ava:
...Oh.
Fran:
Yeah, Ava... Oh. After your little display last night, I spent the rest of the night begging not to be fired!
Ava:
How is this my fault?
Fran:
Because everything was fine until you showed up!
Ava:
Are you sure?
Fran:
Give me the robot.
Ava:
No.
Fran:
Give me the robot!
Ava:
Fran, It’s not mine to give. It’s Leif’s, and knowing him he’s probably already given it some sort of nascent consciousness and now it wants to pursue a singing career. And his name is Peter, by the way.
Fran:
I don’t care if his name is Lord Braxton von Wendell the Third, give me the robot!
Ava:
That name’s actually really great, not sure why we went with Peter, but still: No.
Fran:
I was warned all my life to stay away from toxic people like you.
Ava:
Fran, you’re an HR person about to get fired for HR violations, I can’t hear you over the sound of you throwing stones around in your glass house.
Fran:
(Breaking down.) ... I’m just... I’m so tired...
Ava:
Oh god.
Fran:
I’ve been up all night on the phone making promise after promise, I had to promise things to congressmen, Ava. Do you have any idea what that’s like?
Ava:
No, but hey! I’ve been up all night too, so I know what that’s like.
Fran:
Why have you been up all night?
Ava:
There was this thing earlier with sheep, don’t worry about it.
Fran:
What happened to you? You used to just be mean but now you’re mean and weird.
Ava:
Fran, flattery will get you nowhere. Come on inside, have some coffee, you’re about to rip your own skin off.
Fran:
... You’re not going to give me the robot, are you?
Ava:
No, of course not.
Fran:
I could sue you.
Ava:
Sure, whatever. Come on.
Inside the diner.
Caspar:
Welcome to Midnight Burger, what can I get you?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Nice place? Just open?
Caspar:
Yes and no.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Last time I was in Pasadena I did not remember seeing this place.
Caspar:
It’s a crazy world we live in, things aren’t there and then they are.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Of course.
Leif:
Hey, Caspar? Real quick, apparently there’s someone here from JPL who’s trying to take Peter away from us and just so we’re clear: from my cold dead hands.
Caspar:
Sure, okay? Is that who Ava’s talking to?
Leif:
From my cold dead hands, okay?
Caspar:
Yeah, okay, fine.
Leif:
I’ll be on the roof.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Leif Thorvaldson.
Caspar:
... I’m sorry, what?
Leif:
... Caspar, why don’t you let me take this table?
Caspar:
Okay... sure...
Leif:
...
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
...
Leif:
... Can I help you?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Where you been, Leif?
Leif:
Who the hell are you?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
...Ever think about Ettore Majorana?
Leif:
...
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
I think about him a lot... You know, Fermi thought Majorana was the next great genius. The next Galileo. He was one of those men who was set to reshape the universe as we knew it. And then, suddenly, in 1938, right before Europe turned into a battlefield... poof. Withdraws all his money from the bank, buys a boat ticket to Naples, writes a cryptic letter... And then he was gone... Lots of fun theories out there, what’s your favorite?
Leif:
...
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
They range from the sad to the heroic. He fled because of pressure from the Italian government to work on the nuclear bomb: very heroic. He went mad and spent the rest of his life as a beggar: sad. I imagine the real answer is somewhere in between.
Leif:
Majorana emigrated to Argentina.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Yes, sure, that’s the official line, but that investigation happened seventy years later. I’m meant to trust the governments of Italy and Argentina after seventy years? I don’t think so.
Leif:
...
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
It’s a fascinating thing isn’t it? When a brilliant man runs away from his own brilliance. Decides to live the simple life... Never works though. That’s what they say... destiny is never really done with you, it’s just waiting for you to slip up... And then, there I was last night watching a live stream of a robot fight.
Leif:
So who are you? DOD? NSA?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh no, nothing so barbaric, Leif. I’m a scientist, just like you. Just a man trying to move society forward.
Leif:
Uh huh... DARPA.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Kyle Parrino from DARPA. Nice to meet you.
Leif:
I’ll give you three minutes to get out of here.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Hey! Whoa! Leif, I’m not here to make trouble! I’m here to make peace.
Leif:
How the fuck did you get me? Facial recognition?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
No actually, we were trying something new. Gait analysis.
Leif:
Jesus Christ.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
When you did that dramatic walk away from the camera is when we got you. Did you know that we can identify a human being’s identity within the 99th percentile simply by analyzing how they walk? It’s fascinating technology.
Leif:
After all this time?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Leif, you disappeared from a top secret government project, taking years of research with you, did you think we were just going to say bygones?
Leif:
What do you want?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Well, big picture? You. We’ve got tabs on you now and I’m sure you’ll be doing all sorts of wonderful work for us in the years to come, but where to start, right? Well, I suppose we’ll start with a robot. That little buddy of yours is, I’m thinking, three decades ahead of current technology? Terrorist cells all over the world are not going to know what hit them when they’re suddenly raided by a squad of adorable, eighteen inch robots.
Leif:
Over my dead body.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Leif, don’t be ridiculous.
Leif:
You listen to me, you fucking anus. I’m not Ettore Majorana. I’m not a frail Italian physicist. I’m not a genius recluse surrounded by equations. You need to forget you ever saw me or I make everything bad for everybody. You want me to crash the Western Interconnected System? You want California to go back to the stone age? Don’t test me.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Whoa whoa, Leif. Slow down! That wasn’t a terrorist threat to a government agent was it? You’re just making it worse! Sidebar: I love where your head’s at. Crashing electrical grids? Great stuff! Let’s talk more.
Leif:
Three minutes and you’re gone!
Leif walks away.
Effie:
Leif?... Leif? Leif, hold up! Leif!... Durn it.
Zebulon:
Seems we’ve found the snoop, dear.
Leif storms into the kitchen.
Leif:
Fucking unbelievable! Fucking UNbelievable!
Gloria:
Leif, what’s wrong?
Leif:
I decide to go to one goddamn robot fight to just blow off some fucking steam and now I’ve got some goon from DARPA breathing down my neck! Of all the fucking organizations it had to be those goddamn sociopaths!!? They think they can fuck with me?!
Caspar:
Leif.
Leif:
I guess it’s time to blow up some firewalls, I guess it’s time to post their entire fucking database on Craigslist missed connections!!
Caspar:
Leif!
Leif:
This guy is going to regret ever coming here, I’m going to empty his bank accounts and donate the money to the Audubon Society!!
Caspar:
Leif!!
David:
What’s DARPA?
Leif:
... David... Hey... I uh... I forgot you were here.
David:
Don’t mind me. Please, continue.
Leif:
Uh... so... you know I’m just... having a hard day.
David:
I get it. Believe me, the number of times I’ve had a hard day after a late night robot fight? I can’t even count them.
Leif:
Yeah, you know, it’s a hobby of mine.
David:
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency... is what DARPA stands for.
Leif:
... Yeah.
Gloria:
See, David, Leif has had a very long and interesting life.
Leif:
I have.
Gloria:
He’s done some crazy things.
Leif:
Yes.
Gloria:
And we think that’s just great.
Caspar:
Good God.
Leif:
I’m just having to deal with some stuff from my past is all.
David:
Uh huh.
Gloria:
It happens. I mean, everybody has had a life, right?
David:
See, the fun part is, I get to just sit here until y’all get tired. Y’all tired yet?
Gloria:
Leif. Maybe take your frustrations to Ava’s booth right now?
Leif:
Yes. Good idea. Okay.
Gloria:
Bye... So, David-
David:
I think I’ll have another Michelada. How about you all?
Gloria:
... Sure.
Out in the dining room.
Effie:
Leif! Leif Leif Lief, durn it!!
Fran:
Ava, I am begging you. I can’t get fired again.
Ava:
Again? Fran, how many times has this happened?
Fran:
In America?
Leif:
Hey. Hey Fran.
Fran:
Chut.
Leif:
Some fucking homunculus from DARPA is here and he’s trying to take Peter.
Ava:
What?
Fran:
WHAT? Where? Where is he?
Leif:
Over there, what are you-
Fran:
Out of my way, out of my fucking way!
Leif:
What’s happening?
Ava:
Fran is here for Peter too.
Leif:
Fucking hell, seriously?
Ava:
Seriously.
Leif:
Goddamn I let my guard down for one fucking second.
Ava:
Wait, Leif. The DARPA guy is here for Peter?
Leif:
Yes.
Ava:
This is good.
Leif:
Why?
Ava:
Leif... Let... them... FIGHT!
Fran:
(Across the dining room.) You! Outside! Right fucking now!
The backdoor opens and Caspar walks out.
Caspar:
... Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
David walks out as well.
David:
Have y’all thought about getting one of those slushie machines that makes margaritas?
Caspar:
We don’t have a liquor license.
David:
... Oh really?
Caspar:
Yes, regulations are... very important to us, David we... really try and keep things on the up and up around here.
David:
... You know Mom’s in Denver now.
Caspar:
Really?
David:
Yeah. She said she wanted to take up skiing.
Caspar:
Okay. Yes, it’s a shame there are no places in California you can do that.
David:
She’s been there four years now, she has not learned to ski.
Caspar:
It’s not like the mountains are going anywhere.
David:
Sometimes she’ll have a couple of drinks and she’ll call me.
Caspar:
Oh no.
David:
Oh yes. It is amazing, it’s better than Netflix.
Caspar:
I’m sure.
David:
She doesn’t talk about you as much as I think she wants to. But she did say this to me once... she said that you were bound and determined since birth to be boring and angry.
Caspar:
Well, that’s sweet of her.
David:
I have to say... I’m not seeing it.
Caspar:
I think that was probably true back then.
David:
Well, what happened? Because things are just starting to unravel around here and it is delicious. I mean, it was surprising enough that you had a Facebook page.
Caspar:
... David I had a Facebook page because I needed people to be able to get in touch with me no matter what, because my son ran away from home. You may have heard... So if you’re wondering what happened to me... that. That happened. And then a whooooooole bunch of stuff after that... Your mom’s not wrong. It’s not a bad description of me... Growing up with your grandmothers... it was not a picnic. Grandma number one would forget her head if it wasn’t screwed on to her body and grandma number two, Jesus, the number of times I had to stop her from getting into a fist fight in the grocery store... I strove for boredom, okay? Boredom was the goal. And then you came along and... you would not be told anything... Ever... What I should’ve done was figure out who you were, and then figured out how to work with it... Instead I just fought you every step of the way, still striving for that boredom... I’m really very sorry, David.
David:
... I forgive you.
Caspar:
Good.
David:
... You know I kind of knew this already. We really didn’t need to have a whole moment out here by the dumpster.
Caspar:
Yeah, I know. But I needed to get it in under the wire.
David:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
Because you’re right. things here are about to unravel so much that it’s going to make a pile of loose yarn the size of Mount Fucking Whitney.
Gloria swings the back door open.
Gloria:
We’ve got a problem in the parking lot.
Caspar:
See what I mean?
The parking lot. It is an interdepartmental grudge match.
Fran:
We have clear, CRYSTAL clear agreements with the federal government over our projects, you can’t just breeze in here and take them!
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
I’m sorry, eminent domain?
Fran:
We’re government contractors, you can’t claim eminent domain over something that the government already owns by the transitive property.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Well if we already own it, why is it not in may possession right now?
Fran:
Because you don’t get to decide! This robot is the property of JPL until otherwise pending government procurement!
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Well that just sounds like a bunch of red tape to me, this robot is going to belong to us, it’s just a matter of time.
Fran:
Then you can wait in line right behind all the other agencies.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Yeah, we don’t really like to do that. We kind of just do what we want.
Fran:
Not today you don’t. NOT today!!
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Should I start making calls? Is that what I need to do?
Fran:
Oh, you want to make calls? Is that how you want to play this? I’ve got nine senators and twenty-seven congressmen on speed dial.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Let me just scroll to where my phone says “House Majority Leader”, do you think that might trump your fun little phone list?
Fran:
How about I get on the phone with all his major donors?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oops, look at that, I pressed “call” guess I’m calling him.
Fran:
You want to push me? You want to push me? I just came off a juice cleanse and I am ready to fuck somebody up!
Leif:
I like Fran now.
Ava:
Right?
Gloria:
Who the hell are these people again?
Leif:
That’s Kyle from DARPA and Fran from JPL. You’re witnessing a good old fashioned interdepartmental infight.
Fran:
Get ready for an all-caps text message Tsunami, asshole!
Gloria:
At one point we had a conversation about “laying low” and I feel like government agents arguing in the parking lot is very much NOT that.
Ava:
The Mucklewains said we don’t have to do that anymore.
Gloria:
Oh they did?
Zebulon:
Well, perhaps we didn’t mean THIS-
Gloria:
Okay, I need to be at all the meetings now. Do you see what happens?
Effie:
Gloria, we only meant-
Gloria:
ALL of the meetings.
Caspar:
Hey. What’s going on?
Gloria:
Well uh... Hey David.
David:
What’s happening in the parking lot? Is this a dance off, because those two are not dressed for it.
Gloria:
It’s... hmm.
Caspar:
It’s okay, Gloria.
Gloria:
Okay. These two people are fighting over a robot that Leif made.
David:
A robot?
Gloria:
Yes, it’s... It’s called Peter and a lot of people want it.
David:
So he’s selling it?
Gloria:
No, no, these two government officials are saying that the robot belongs to them.
David:
Why?
Gloria:
Because... they can?
David:
Fuck that.
Leif:
Thank you, David.
David:
You seriously made a robot that the government is trying to steal?
Leif:
I did, you want to meet him?
David:
Hell yes.
Fran:
How’s your one phone call going? Because I’ve just sent fifty-seven texts and nineteen strongly worded emails?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
You’re about to get a call. The number will be unlisted, I suggest you take it.
Fran’s phone vibrates.
Fran:
... Hello?... Hello, sir... yes... yes... yes, of course, sir... Of course sir, I understand...
Fran ends the call.
Fran:
... I hope that robot malfunctions and chops you into tiny pieces, you goon.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
It’s been great meeting you.
Leif:
Fuck.
Ava:
C’mon, Fran. That’s it?
Fran:
Ava... I really wish you’d taken that extra month of leave.
Ava:
There’s got to be something you can do.
Fran:
There is. It’s time once again to buy a bottle of wine and update my Linkedin... Fuck my life... Goodbye, Ava.
Fran walks away.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Well. That was fun. Leif, I’ll be needing that prototype and any data you have on it. I’ll be taking that right now.
Leif:
No, you won’t.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
I thought you’d say that. So... now I’m going to call what’s known as an acquisition team and things are going to get very messy. Don’t bother going anywhere, Leif. We have you on satellite.
Kyle walks away.
Leif:
That’s it.
Leif walks inside.
Gloria:
Leif?... Oh God.
We move to inside Kyle’s car. He activates a communication device.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Did you get all that?... Yeah, he’s off his rocker, this guy’s one step away from another Ted Kaczynski. Grab him and the robot... his friends? Keep an eye on them, maybe we need to use them as leverage.
Leif is now outside the car. He taps on the window.
Leif:
Open the door.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh, Jesus, he’s outside my car now, this is so pitiful.
Leif:
Open the fucking door.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Go ahead and move in... hang on, he’s got something in his hand.
Leif fires up the laser-saw.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
What the fuck is that?!
Leif starts cutting into kyle’s car. He is literally cutting it in half.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!
Leif:
GET OUT OF THE CAR!!
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
HE’S CUTTING MY CAR IN HALF!! HE’S CUTTING MY CAR IN HALF!
Leif:
LAZER-SAWWWWWWWW!
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
MOVE IN NOW!! MOVE IN NOW!!
Leif:
PETER IS MINE!
Kyle’s car falls open like a hatched egg.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Holy Shit!! What the fuck, Leif!!
Leif:
I would say get out of your car but your car doesn’t have an inside anymore!
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
You’ve really fucked up, Leif! I don’t know what that thing is but it belongs to us now! And since I don’t know what else you’ve got hiding in this diner, how about I just take the whole thing?!
Several cars roll up to the diner. Agents jump out of the cars.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Give me the megaphone! (Into the megaphone.) Attention, anyone in the building. Evacuate immediately. Midnight Burger is now property of the united states government!
Leif:
Oh yeah?
A squadron of drones takes flight from the roof of the diner
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
What... what is that? Are those our drones?
The drones unleash a hail of flechette NEEDLES onto the pavement.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh fuck! Everybody back!
Leif:
Anyone sets foot in this parking lot, I turn them into a voodoo doll!
David:
Ho. Lee. Shit.
Zebulon:
I think Leif may have taken our advice just a bit too far, dear.
Gloria:
Leif, what the fuck are we going to do now?
Leif:
It’ll be fine.
Gloria:
We’re all going to get fucking arrested.
David:
Did you open a diner with a bunch a fugitives from the government?
Caspar:
You’re getting warmer.
David:
This is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen.
Ava:
Hold that thought, David.
We hear massive footsteps approaching.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
What’s that sound?... What is... Oh my God.
We hear the loud and ghostly call of a massive animal. It is lumbering down colorado boulevard. Cars screech to a halt and people begin to run in fear.
David:
What in the motherfucking hell...
Ava:
That’s a bit of a step up from sheep and ducks.
Caspar:
Is that what I think it is?
Leif:
Yep.
Gloria:
That’s my girl. She may be grounded but she’s still keeping it weird.
David:
It’s four fucking stories tall.
The animal continues down the street.
Caspar:
Hey, Gloria, give me the radio, would you?
Gloria:
Sure.
David:
What is happening?
Caspar:
Come inside.
Caspar and david walk inside.
David:
That’s not a real thing that exists.
Caspar:
Sit down.
The sit at a booth.
David:
What...
Caspar:
It’s called a Mungo. Don’t worry, it’s a plant eater.
David:
...
Caspar:
Before we start, I need you to meet some friends of mine.
Zebulon:
Hello, David. It is our absolute pleasure to meet you. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.
Effie:
Hello, David.
Caspar:
... I have a very long story to tell you.
The end