Chapter 32: The Pyrophyte

Midnight Burger

Spacetime rushes by. Clementine and Ava are in the parking lot.

Clementine:

... There was a brief moment when I knew everything. Every bit of information that could be known was inside me for less than a second... I didn’t have a body or... I just existed somehow... But I had this faint memory of who I was. I didn’t know my name or my history but I had this image, this... ghost... and then I realized I could move things. I could draw things together... I created an idea of me, of an identity, and I kept drawing things toward it. Gasses and planets and stars were drawn towards this idea of me. It happened faster and faster. With every particle I brought towards me I got more and more powerful... I began to have a center. I began to have a place to put myself. I began to see myself... I was a dark heart floating in the stars. I absorbed matter and light and energy. I was the deepest darkness, filled with complexity, surrounded by a halo of light... nothing could escape me... And then I could look down to see my hand, and I realized I had eyes, my bare feet floated above a galaxy... I suddenly existed. I was floating in space... Then something started pulling me, and I was falling. The faster I fell the more human I felt... And then I was in the parking lot of a motel... That’s how it started. I don’t know what all that means.

Ava:

I don’t either, but it still explains a lot.

Clementine:

It does?

Ava:

Any universe is mostly a void but it’s still an ecosystem in a way. It ebbs and flows. It even has weather to a certain extent. A supernova billions of miles away can make clouds appear on Earth. The distance between things may be vast, but they still effect each other like an ecosystem. And like any ecosystem, it has its... megafauna.

Clementine:

Megafauna?

Ava:

Gloria’s first day here we encountered something called a Transdimensional Haboob. Basically a sentient weather system that can cross dimensional barriers. Leif can tell you about something called The Galaxy Brain, a remnant of an organism that was the size of a planetoid. No ecosystem would be complete without its lumbering giants. Added to the list now is Clementine: the human that somehow became a Black Hole that somehow became human.

Clementine:

I’m... a black hole?

Ava:

Not in the classic sense. You weren’t a star that exploded. But the idea of drawing everything into you, becoming more powerful with every particle... you’re a walking, talking black hole.

Clementine:

How is that possible? A black hole isn’t a person.

Ava:

Well, we’ve never had a conversation with one, have we? There’s a theory that consciousness is related to complexity. I’m conscious because inside my skull there is the very complex system of my brain. And if consciousness arises from complexity, there’s nothing more complex than the inside of a black hole. So who knows? Maybe all those dark hearts out there, sucking in all the light, maybe they are conscious like you and me.

Clementine:

... These megafauna you’re talking about. Is that what just tried to kill me?

Ava:

Yes, that’s another. Chuck, the four dimensional entity. Sorry about that. We thought he was a friend.

Clementine:

Is he still trying to kill me?

Ava:

I don’t know.

Clementine:

... Should he have?

Ava:

... No.

Clementine:

Are you sure?... I’m not... I destroyed my planet, Ava.

Ava:

You were doing what everyone does. You were trying to do what you thought was right using the information and power that you have. You didn’t know what you were doing. Could you have listened to us a little better? Yes. But who listens... I don’t.

Clementine:

... I want it to stop.

Ava hits clementine in the arm.

Clementine:

Ow!

Ava:

Did that hurt?

Clementine:

Yes.

Ava:

You withstood a blast from a particle cannon a few days ago, now it hurts when I hit you in the arm. In a few hours you’ll probably have a bruise. If you stop and listen for a second you’ll probably feel your heart beating... Welcome to the human race. It sucks.

Clementine:

You kind of talk about really big mysteries like they’re no big deal.

Ava:

It’s strange, what my curiosity latches onto. There are a lot of mysteries out there. Too many to count. For some reason I’m able to ignore most of them. For me it’s always been about one big mystery. A mystery that hovers over all the other mysteries. The big picture that’s even bigger than the big picture. That’s what I’ve always focused on. I have no idea how you were a disembodied consciousness that formed a black hole around it then transformed yourself into a space goddess, but it sounds like that’s what happened.

Clementine:

I don’t understand how this happened to me. Why me?

Ava:

That’s the really confusing part. You were a person, and then something happened to you, and then you were just... a cluster of awareness, and then you were an inescapable center of gravity and then you were... this. Something’s missing from the equation and I don’t know what it is. The type of energy that you emit and that created you, it’s damage. Damage to the fabric of space/time. A gravity wave can cause it, but with all the damage that we’ve been seeing out there, something really big would have had to happen. Bigger than any of those black holes or megafauna.

Clementine:

What’s bigger than a black hole?

Ava:

Nothing... Nothing is...

Clementine:

What?

Ava:

Shit...

Clementine:

What?... What’s going on in your head right now?

Ava:

... A 1972 Buick Skylark floating in space.

Clementine:

Uh...

Ava:

I have to go.

Door chime.

Terric:

Hello there doctor, I-

Ava:

Yeah, hi.

Terric:

... Okay... What’s going on with her?

Clementine:

I don’t know.

Terric:

...

Clementine:

...

Terric:

... How are you?

Clementine:

Flesh and blood again.

Terric:

What were you before?

Clementine:

I have no idea.

Terric:

How does it feel?

Clementine:

It hurts.

Terric:

...

Clementine:

... Terric, I’m so-

Terric:

I was a clown for a while.

Clementine:

... You... what?

Terric:

A clown.

Clementine:

... Okay.

Terric:

There was this whole trend in the 17th century in France. Acting companies would pack up a wagon and go from village to village. I would come out before the show and warm up the crowd.

Clementine:

... As a clown.

Terric:

I didn’t have a red nose or anything. I’d do some of my act for you, but it’s in French.

Clementine:

Terric-

Terric:

They called me Monsieur Impertinent... Mr. Saucy.

Clementine:

You’re trying to make me laugh.

Terric:

Of course I am, I’m a clown.

Clementine:

It’s been seven hundred years and you’re still trying to take care of me. You shouldn’t be doing that.

Terric:

... We’ve both been through a lot. To hear them tell it, you got the worst of it.

Clementine:

Terric, the difference is that I did this to you. You didn’t do this to me. The amount... the amount of pain I’ve caused and then I see you... I did it to you too. I fantasized that you were untouched by it all, that once upon a time, for a minute, I did something good and normal and real. I met a man and I fell in love... but turns out I ruined that too. You shouldn’t have had this life Terric. You should’ve had a life with your weird books in that city you loved... you should’ve found someone who could love you the way you deserved to be loved, you should’ve had a good life. You should’ve had a pretty wife who’s nuts about you, you should’ve had children.

Terric:

Oh, I’ve had many children.

Clementine:

... What?

Terric:

What?

Clementine:

You... what?

Terric:

What?

Clementine:

...

Terric:

It was seven hundred years.

Clementine:

And you...

Terric:

It was seven hundred years did you expect me to wait for you?

Clementine:

I mean... kind of.

Terric:

Well, I didn’t. Did you wait for me?

Clementine:

I was busy.

Terric:

Destroying the universe, I heard.

Clementine:

I...

Terric:

I think you need to admit that you imagined me as this lonely soul out there, who could never love again and was constantly longing for your return.

Clementine:

... Is that too much to ask?

Terric:

Well, let’s put it this way: yes.

Clementine:

... Who was she?

Terric:

Which one?

Clementine:

Which one?!

Terric:

It was seven hundred years.

Clementine:

How many women did you marry, Terric?!

Terric:

Just two, I wasn’t Gengis Khan or something.

Clementine:

Did they know about each other?

Terric:

I’m also not a Mormon, they were two hundred years apart.

Clementine:

... Was one of them French?

Terric:

Of course one of them was French.

Clementine:

Goddamn it.

Terric:

Angélique.

Clementine:

Oh, barf.

Terric:

What?

Clementine:

Angélique...

Terric:

... There’s been no one else?

Clementine:

... There was a guy in India one time.

Terric:

Aha.

Clementine:

He became a Buddhist and it got weird.

Terric:

Yes, I’m sure it was the Buddhism that made it weird and not you being an out of control space demon.

Clementine:

Oh, shut up, you fucking clown... I thought you came out here to make me feel better.

Terric:

You told me not to do that... What I’m trying to say is, you seem to see me as one of your victims. I don’t feel like a victim. My life has been a life. It was full of a lot of things. Some of them very bad. Some of them very good. Like anyone’s life, really.

Clementine:

... You should be more angry with me.

Terric:

My love, we are in a parking lot of a diner that is currently either folding space or creating a warp bubble, I’m not sure, I only have a Masters in physics. We apparently just prevented an entire universe from filling up with Hyundai Sonatas. I’m seven hundred years old, you are a celestial super-being who was nearly murdered right in front of me by another celestial super-being. Who has time for anger?

Clementine:

... Call me “my love” again.

We hear ava writing furiously in her notebook.

Gloria:

So, Ava’s back on her bullshit, then?

Caspar:

She has gone to the math place.

Gloria:

Leif, what is she writing?

Leif:

I’m not getting close to her I don’t want to lose a finger.

Gloria:

Are those My Little Ponies on her pencils?

Caspar:

Hey, she’s using them.

Leif:

We’re coming in for a landing any time now. What’s our game plan, here?

Gloria:

Effie, any feelings about where we’re going?

Effie:

I can’t tell you much, Gloria. All I can tell you is we’re headed into darkness.

Gloria:

Fun.

Leif:

That doesn’t really track.

Caspar:

What do you mean?

Leif:

We’ve been to Clementine’s world. We served Brunch there for weeks. It was a wreck, for sure, but I don’t know if “darkness” is the word I would use.

Caspar:

Maybe it’s a metaphorical darkness, like the dark ages.

Effie:

I ain’t speaking in metaphors, I’m talking about pitch black darkness, y’all.

Zebulon:

When we spoke, she told me that the stars had all been extinguished. Can such a thing occur?

Leif:

There’s the heat death of the universe. Eventually every universe gets to a state where all the energy has dissipated and there are no more stars, but there’s not supposed to be anyone alive at that point. At least I don’t think so, that’s Ava’s department.

Caspar:

Whatever we’re looking at, we should adjust our expectations. I know we like to swoop in wearing red capes, but we’re not going to be able to fix a dead universe in 12 hours. It’s good that Clementine’s going home, but that may only be good news for us, not her. We may be dropping her off in a hellscape. How do we feel about that?

Zebulon:

You’re being a wet blanket, that’s how I feel about it.

Caspar:

Oh, c’mon.

Effie:

Caspar, why don’t you leave the prophecies to me?

Caspar:

Your prophecy was one word: darkness. What are we supposed to do with that?

Zebulon:

Perhaps not be a wet blanket?

Caspar:

I’m sorry maybe it’s one of those times where darkness is good news. Remember all those times?

Zebulon:

The Bible began with darkness.

Effie:

Thank you, dear.

Caspar:

The bible began with a sheep herder eating the wrong mushrooms about seven thousand years ago and writing some of his ideas down, let’s be real-

Effie:

I am going to climb right out of this radio-

Caspar:

-Oh I’d love to see you try-

Gloria:

Look, here’s the plan. We’re going to set down in Clementine’s home and we’re going to swing for the fences, okay? I don’t know how much we can help but we’re going to help as much as we can and Caspar is going to take his pessimism and shove it somewhere.

Caspar:

I’ve got a commitment to the truth is all.

Zebulon:

You’ve a commitment to wet-blanketry is what you’ve got.

Caspar:

Zebulon.

Gloria:

Do we think Clementine’s in any state to start talking?

Leif:

Maybe. I saw them laugh out there.

Gloria:

Really? Well, let’s join the party.

Door chime. They all move out into the parking lot.

Gloria:

Hey kids.

Terric:

Hey there.

Gloria:

How are you feeling, Clementine?

Clementine:

It’s been a while since I was human. I’m having a hard time standing up.

Gloria:

We’re about to touch down. Terric, can you help her out?

Terric:

Yeah.

Clementine:

Ow. Ow ow ow. Okay. Standing is harder than I remember.

Gloria:

We’ve been talking. By all accounts we’re headed into some pretty rough territory.

Clementine:

Yeah.

Gloria:

Can you give us some idea of where we’re headed?

Clementine:

It’s probably best if you just see it.

Gloria:

Okay.

Clementine:

I apologize in advance.

Gloria:

Why?

Clementine:

Because you’re going to want to save them all, like I did.

Gloria:

You never know. Maybe we’ll be able to help.

Clementine:

I don’t think you understand where we’re headed.

There is a crack and the diner sets down. They are inside a massive space ship. The crack of their arrival echoes down its hull and the ship occasionally groans like the planks of an old galleon.

Leif:

Whoa.

Caspar:

This isn’t Earth.

Gloria:

No, it’s not. Clementine this isn’t Earth.

Clementine:

I wasn’t born on Earth. None of us were.

Terric:

Oh, my God.

Effie:

Lord, I’ve never seen anything so big.

Zebulon:

This is a vessel?

Clementine:

Welcome to The Pyrophyte.

Gloria:

You lived here?

Clementine:

My whole life.

Leif:

How many people are here, Clementine?

Clementine:

Around twenty-seven thousand.

Gloria:

What?

Leif:

Fuck, it’s a generation ship.

Clementine:

It was supposed to be. But my grandmother boarded this ship when she was two years old. My mother was supposed to be the first generation to set foot on a new world... Didn’t work out that way. I’m the third generation to live here. Right before Earth collapsed... Right before I collapsed Earth, a small group climbed aboard this thing.

Leif:

Holy shit.

Gloria:

How big is this thing?

Clementine:

Three kilometers.

Leif:

Holy shit. What’s the fuel source?

Clementine:

I don’t know.

Caspar:

Um... Is that a T.G.I. Friday’s across the way?

Clementine:

Oh. Yeah. That’s kind of funny. Looks like you landed in Nostalgia Pavilion. Nobody comes up here anymore. They set up a little mall area on this deck to remind people what it was like on Earth. It wasn’t really designed to last for three generations, it’s all run down now.

Gloria:

It had to be a fucking Friday’s, huh?

Zebulon:

This is the only world you’ve ever known?

Clementine:

Until I was transformed into... whatever it was, this was the only place I’d ever been.

Terric:

That’s why you couldn’t look at the sky when I met you.

Clementine:

I’d lived my whole life inside this place. Can you imagine having a roof over your head your whole life and then suddenly seeing the sky?

Effie:

Clementine, this vessel of yours. It is not underway.

Leif:

No, it isn’t.

Clementine:

No... It isn’t.

Caspar:

You’re just... floating in space?

Gloria:

What happened?

Clementine:

The day it hit us, I was in my mother’s womb. It made her go into labor early, apparently.

Gloria:

What hit you?

Clementine:

We don’t know. It wiped out the historical archives. Most of the operating systems. They managed to power up the engines enough to keep the lights on but...

Leif:

Wait. This happened when you were born?

Clementine:

Yes.

Leif:

You’ve lived your entire life on a derelict space ship.

Clementine:

Yes.

Gloria:

How are you still alive?

Clementine:

Luck. The ship was built to last for decades but it wasn’t meant to last this long. My entire childhood was filled with emergencies. An alarm would go off and my mom would pick me up and carry me to an escape pod. She would strap me in, kiss me on the head and then we would wait... And wait... Eventually they would patch something up and the danger would pass. We all got used to it. It just became part of life. We managed to stay hopeful somehow. We relied on each other. But then, when my mother died, a few days later the stars went out. That’s when most of us gave up hope entirely.

Leif:

Right, then there’s that. Clementine, what do you mean the stars went out? Can you get me to an observation deck or something? I need to see what you’re talking about.

Clementine:

Leif. You’re on an observation deck right now. Look up. This domed ceiling. It’s all glass. You should be seeing the stars right now.

Leif:

Fuck.

Caspar:

There’s nothing there.

Terric:

How did it happen?

Clementine:

I don’t know. We were having a memorial service for her and then I looked up and... it’s like the stars were being devoured. Darkness moved across the sky and they were gone.

Gloria:

Leif?

Leif:

No idea.

Zebulon:

Clementine, when you came to us on our farm. How did you become that person?

Clementine:

I don’t know that either. After the funeral we had all spent a year in the darkness. Finding the strength to get out of bed was hard enough, but everyone on the ship had lost all hope and you could feel it. It was like we were all walking through tar... I was in my quarters, we were coming up on her birthday and I just... I started screaming... I screamed so loud I thought I would completely destroy myself... I guess I did. That’s the last thing I remember.

Effie:

This is an unholy place, Gloria.

Gloria:

No kidding.

Clementine:

The people mover is right over there. Come on, I’ll show you where I live. Terric, can you help me?

Terric:

Yeah.

Gloria:

Just one second, okay... Huddle up.

Caspar:

This is some dark shit, y’all.

Effie:

If only someone could have predicted it.

Caspar:

Okay.

Zebulon:

Gloria, there are thousands of souls aboard this contraption, we must do something for them.

Caspar:

It’s not like we can get out and start rowing.

Gloria:

I don’t even want to talk about what’s impossible and what isn’t. Let’s just focus on getting information, okay? I’m going to go with Terric and Clementine — I’ll take the Mucklewains. Caspar stay here with Ava until she decides to come up for air. Leif?

Leif:

Yeah?

Gloria:

Break into some places, try and figure some shit out.

Leif:

Okay. Before we get going, everyone put one of these in your ear.

Caspar:

We’re doing earpieces now?

Leif:

This is officially an op now. Put it in your ear.

Caspar:

I know the drill.

Leif:

Take one for Ava.

Gloria:

Like, I shove it in my ear?

Leif:

Yeah.

Gloria:

Okay.

Leif:

Talk naturally and we should all hear each other.

Gloria:

Okay. Okay, I know we’re in a dark place right now but I feel pretty cool with this thing in my ear.

Caspar:

Confirmed, we are cooler now.

Gloria:

Good luck everyone.

We hear the sound of a motorized tram.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Okay, I’m having a hard time getting a sense of this place. If anyone sees anything that stands out, let me know.

Gloria:

We’re on some sort of tram situation. Pretty run down. Giving me flashbacks to the Phoenix public transportation system.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Anybody seeing any people? It feels pretty abandoned up here.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) It’s a ghost town where I am as well. Which is concerning because it looks like I’m headed for the bridge.

Gloria:

I’m seeing people... It’s weird. They just seem to be wandering around. They all seem kind of aimless.

Clementine:

We were having a hard time finding things for everyone to do. With the ship just drifting, there was a lot less to do unless you were in an Ag Dome or in maintenance.

Gloria:

What’s an Ag Dome?

Clementine:

It’s where I work.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) The infrastructure of this thing is chaotic. It’s half NASA, some Russian stuff, ESA, then some stuff I don’t recognize. It’s a three kilometer Frankenstein.

Gloria:

Clementine, who built this thing?

Clementine:

I don’t know.

Gloria:

How do you not know?

Clementine:

Like I said, the day I was born the ship was hit by something. Apparently we had a massive archive of Earth knowledge. We lost all of it. We’ve tried to hang on to what we remember, but, without a definitive record people started arguing over what was true and what wasn’t. With no one agreeing, we couldn’t teach each other about our history. It was hard enough with my mother’s generation, learning about a planet that no one would ever see again.

Gloria:

People can’t have already forgotten everything.

Clementine:

It’s not that they’ve forgotten it’s... you know what, why don’t I show you? Let’s get off here.

The tram comes to a stop and they get off. We hear Leif, trying to open a bulkhead door.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) What the hell’s going on over there, Leif?

Leif:

I found the bridge. I’m breaking in.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) You can just break in?

Leif:

Honestly I could take this entire ship apart with a flathead screwdriver and a butter knife so yeah, I’m breaking in.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Where’s the crew?

Leif:

I don’t think there is one anymore.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) How is that possible?

Leif:

I imagine everything’s running out of engineering at this point like you would with a space station. If the ship can’t fly it doesn’t really need someone to steer it. If Clementine’s right, this thing has been derelict for decades. We’re basically sitting in an idling car with the AC on.

The door gives way and slides open.

Leif:

There we go. I’m on the bridge.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) How’s it look?

Leif:

It’s abandoned. I could sure use another brain on this. How’s Ava doing?

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) She’s still got her head in the sand. No offense taken, by the way.

Leif:

Sorry. I’m sure your experience working for the Department of Motor Vehicles will come in handy someday, Pal.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) That’s going to be a great day.

Leif:

... Shit.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) What?

Leif:

I found the Captain.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Uh oh.

Leif:

He is a skeleton.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Shit.

Leif:

Yeah.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) He’s just a skeleton clutching the helm of the ship like in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride?

Leif:

Pretty much... Captain... Alden Dale Dowlearn, looks like.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) That’s pretty grim.

Leif:

Yeah. Although, honestly this is any Captains dream. He never abandoned his post. Respect.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Now what do we do?

Leif:

I’m going to shake the dust off. Try and get this place powered up. It looks like he was keeping a hard copy Captain’s Log, I’m going check that out. Let me know as soon as Ava’s back.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) I will.

We hear a restless classroom of 6th graders.

Olivia:

Okay, everyone calm down. Let’s try and get some work done, okay?

Gloria:

What’s this?

Clementine:

My old classroom.

Terric:

It looks like a storage room.

Clementine:

We would use whatever space we could get our hands on. The kids needed something to do, but we didn’t have any books to teach from so volunteer teachers would show up and just kind of wing it.

Olivia:

Today we’re going to learn about someone named Marie Antionette. On Earth, for a long time everything was ruled by terrible people called Kings and Queens. One of the worst of them was a queen named Marie Antionette.

Olivia writes on a chalk board.

Olivia:

While her subjects were starving and poor, Marie Antionette wore expensive dresses and would go to lavish parties. And when she was told that everyone outside the castle was starving she simply said, “Let them eat cake.”

Olivia writes out “Let them eat cake” on the chalk board.

Gloria:

I feel like she’s missing some salient details from this story.

Terric:

One or two.

Olivia:

Luckily for her subjects, they were in the middle of the Age of Enlightenment, a period of time that was making lots of people a lot smarter, and finally they got so smart, that they were able to revolt against the evil Marie Antionette and cut off her head!

Terric:

Jesus Christ, stop.

Clementine:

Terric.

Olivia:

... I’m sorry, can I help you?

Terric:

Did I say that out loud?

Clementine:

You did.

Terric:

Sorry... I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I had to interrupt because... because everything you’re saying is wrong.

Olivia:

And who are you?

Terric:

I’m Terric... from the history department?

Olivia:

The what?

Clementine:

Hi, Ms. Johnson.

Olivia:

... Miranda?

Clementine:

How are you?

Terric:

Miranda?

Clementine:

Y’all, this is Olivia Johnson, my old teacher.

Olivia:

I haven’t seen you in ages, look at you. Everyone, this is Miranda, one of my very first students.

Clementine:

Hey, kids.

Olivia:

Who are your friends?

Clementine:

Um... so they work on the historical archives deck.

Olivia:

I didn’t know we still had people working there, the archives were all destroyed.

Clementine:

Yes... Or so we thought. They just recently were able to recover some files on... on Marie Antionette and Terric here has come down to tell you about her, right Terric?

Terric:

Yes, right. That’s why I’m here.

Olivia:

That’s so wonderful. Please, tell us what you know, Terric.

Clementine:

Go warm up the crowd, Mr. Saucy.

Terric:

Okay... Okay, hello, children... Marie Antionette... She was a queen, that’s true. She was very young. Not much older than you kids are. She became queen and it instantly became her job to wear lavish dresses and go to parties and not much else. She was constantly criticized from both ends. When she went to parties she was called out of touch with her people, and when she didn’t go to parties she was called a disgrace. You see, Marie Antionette had already committed the biggest crime in the mind of any Frenchman: she wasn’t French. She was from Austria. Even if she somehow did everything right, she would still be considered a foreigner. She never said “let them eat cake” and she wasn’t evil. She was just a girl. She did what was expected of her, her whole life and it was never enough for anyone. And then when the revolution came, she was dragged through the street, her head shaved, dressed in rags. She was... “Pardon me, sir. I didn’t mean it.” Those were her last words.

Olivia:

Oh, my.

Terric:

There was this strange thing that happened on Earth. We took people and we made them symbols of a problem. That’s a natural thing, human beings think symbolically. But we had a tendency to think that when we got rid of the symbol, we got rid of the problem. Marie Antionette and others like her were killed in the revolution. The people said they no longer wanted to live under an iron fist. But those same people found themselves, just a few years later, in a military dictatorship. They got rid of the people. Maybe not the problem... I’m sorry, how old are they?

Olivia:

About ten years old.

Terric:

Ah. Okay. I just said a bunch of things you didn’t understand.

The kids laugh.

Terric:

I’ll just say this about Marie Antionette. She wasn’t evil. She was just a kid. A kid who didn’t know what she was doing.

Olivia:

Okay, let’s all thank Terric from the Historical Archives deck.

The kids applaud.

Clementine:

(To Gloria.) Remember when we both met Abraham Lincoln? Before I met him, I was taught that he was a giant.

Gloria:

A giant?

Clementine:

A giant who roamed from town to town freeing slaves. I was taught that by a teacher. I was also taught that Nelson Mandela was the ruler of Africa and that Middle East conflicts happened because it was so hot there... There are so many different ways that we’re lost out here, Gloria.

Gloria:

Goddamnit, Clementine.

Effie:

Gloria, a word?

Gloria:

Yeah?

Zebulon:

There are children here, Gloria.

Gloria:

I can see.

Effie:

I don’t intend to meet these people and then vanish from their lives without offering help.

Gloria:

I know.

Olivia:

And Miranda, who is this?

Gloria:

Oh, Hi. I’m Gloria.

Clementine:

Gloria also works on the Historical Archives deck. She just uncovered some great information on... restaurants.

Olivia:

Oh really? That’s very interesting. Can you share what you’ve found with the class?

Gloria:

Uh. Sure. Sure, why not?

Olivia:

It’ll be such a treat for them.

Gloria:

It really will. Give me just one second, okay?

Olivia:

Of course.

Gloria:

Caspar? Leif?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) What’s up.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Yo.

Gloria:

What’s happening?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’ve reached the bridge.

Gloria:

What can you tell me?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) This ship is completely fucked.

Gloria:

Oh, God.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Gloria, I’m not being hyperbolic. We are literally sitting in a death trap. They have been two steps away from total disaster for I don’t know how long. It’s bad.

Gloria:

How have they lasted this long without dying?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) It’s hard to say but I think it comes down to the power source. The systems up here are useless, so I can’t tell you what the power source for this place is but it’s surprisingly consistent. It’s kept the lights on for years.

Gloria:

Speaking of lights, where did all the stars go?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I can’t answer that until I can do some kind of scan. Working on that now.

Gloria:

Hurry. We need options.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m on it.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Gloria, why do I feel like you’re drifting away from the “doing what we can and then leaving” approach?

Gloria:

... We need to save everyone on board.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Gloria, goddamn it.

Gloria:

That’s the only way this can go.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) That’s twenty-seven thousand people, Gloria.

Gloria:

I know.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) What happened to adjusting our expectations?

Gloria:

That was your thing, not mine.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Why is it my job to be the dickhead in these situations?

Gloria:

It’s not, Caspar, it just happens that way.

Effie:

Caspar, I am in no mood.

Zebulon:

Surely there’s something that can be done.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) There’s not going to be a solution just because we’re going to feel terrible if there isn’t one.

Effie:

Caspar, you are going to adjust your negativity right now.

Caspar:

Why, so we can all be heartbroken at the end of the day? We’re a handful of people and we have eleven and a half hours.

Effie:

Well how about we all just lay down and die, then?

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) What’s your bright idea, Effie? What are we going to do?

Gloria:

What if we put them in the deep freeze?

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Look, that’s a novel solution but first of all, you’re telling me that you’re going to convince twenty seven thousand people you’ve never met to line up and march into the icy world of the deep freeze? Even if you could convince them to do that, it’s going to take more than eleven hours for twenty seven thousand people to line up single file, have you ever stood in a voting line? And THEN, what are we going to feed them? We’ll never have enough food to feed them and the deep freeze is a healthy biome but do you think it can withstand a sudden influx of twenty seven thousand motherfuckers?

Gloria:

Caspar, I hear you and I hate it.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) That is, apparently, my job.

Gloria:

... Then Leif has to fix the ship.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) What?

Effie:

You heard her.

Gloria:

You need to fix this ship, that’s the only way to help these people.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Gloria, this ship is a three-kilometer long piece of used chewing gum.

Gloria:

Well you need to figure something out. This is the only way, Leif.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Fuuuuuuuuuck.

Gloria:

Caspar, you need to get Ava to snap out of it.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Why do I have to do that, why is that my job?

Gloria:

God made you impervious to her insults for a reason, Caspar.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) That’s not true at all, I’m very pervious to her insults.

Gloria:

Maybe, but you keep coming back for more, don’t ‘cha, cowboy? Get to work, both of you.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) What are you going to do?

Gloria:

I am going to go teach a bunch of sixth graders about restaurant management, it’s very important.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) What?

Effie:

I believe she said get to work!

Door chime.

Caspar:

Okay, look, I don’t like it but apparently my job is the official Ava annoyer, so I’m here to say that it’s time to clock in because we’ve got to save a ship full of twenty seven thousand people. All hands on deck okay?... Ava?... Ava what’s wrong?... Are you... Ava, what is it?

Ava:

Let’s go get drunk at T.G.I. Friday’s.

Ava walks out. Door chime.

Caspar:

O... kay.

On the bridge. Leif is pacing.

Leif:

Saving the ship... Saving the ship... What do I have to save the ship? What have I got?... Stable power source... Stable power source that I cannot interact with because there’s no navigation system. Can I make a navigation system? Do I have the processing power? Yes. Do I have the time? No. There’s no one to fly the ship so it would have to be full automation. Full automation to where? Not only is the ship at dead stick, it has no planned destination. Maybe they did at one point but who knows now? Even if it did the coordinates are wiped out with everything else. They’ve got nowhere to go and no way of getting there... What would the old man say?... (Impersonating Even Older Leif.) “No easy ways out of this one, kid. But you started climbing up the walls before you took a look around.” (Leif’s voice.) Right... The darkness... I need to have a look around.

CLementine’s group is back on the people mover.

Terric:

So, where were you all headed?

Clementine:

I don’t know. My mom didn’t either. I think we may have left Earth without a destination. The ship is called The Pyrophyte. A pyrophyte is a plant that can only spread it seeds after a fire. “Earth had become a Pyrophyte,” she said. The ship was meant to be the seed. Turns out I was the fire.

Terric:

Is that why you kept repeating that Borges line? “It is the fire that consumes me, but I am the fire”.

Clementine:

I don’t know. It was just something she taught me. Who was Borges?

Terric:

A writer from Argentina. He wrote a lot of very strange science fiction stories. I kind of feel like I’m in one of his stories right now, as a matter of fact.

Clementine:

You definitely will after this next part.

Terric:

What’s the next part?

Clementine:

Everyone get ready. We’re about to cross into the agriculture section of the ship. It can be disorienting.

Gloria:

Disorienting how?

Clementine:

Well, do you like the ground being under your feet?

Gloria:

What... Oh my God.

Terric:

Jesus.

Zebulon:

Is this what it appears to be?

Effie:

It’s farmland and it’s wrapped all around us.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Gloria, what are you seeing?

Gloria:

It’s... okay we’re in some sort of tram and it’s traveling through the center section of the ship and there’s... farmland. There’s a bunch of huge domes and each dome has a farm in it. But they’re wrapped around us. There’s farmland above us, below us, to the sides... It’s amazing.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) And they’re all spinning, right?

Gloria:

Yeah, they’re all rotating.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Damn, I can’t believe someone actually built one of these.

Gloria:

What is it?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Centrifugal farmland. Agricultural domes spinning on a central access point in a massive ship. Another reason they’ve stayed alive this whole time, they’ve been growing their own food in the void of space.

Gloria:

What kind of ship did you say this was?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) A generation ship.

Gloria:

And these are bad?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Not bad just... insane. It’s a ship built to last an entire generation so that by the time your children are old enough to take over the ship, you’ve arrived at your destination. Nobody is supposed to be out in the black that long. There’s too many variables. But it sounds like they didn’t have a choice.

Zebulon:

Clementine, when you told me you were a farmer...

Clementine:

I wasn’t kidding. We’ll get off at the next stop, I’ll show you where I was born.

The door creaks open to the abandoned T.G.I. Fridays.

Caspar:

Hello?... Table for two?

Ava:

Let’s go to the bar.

Caspar:

Ava, I don’t think this is a functioning restaurant.

Ava:

I mean, how much does it need to function?

Caspar:

I guess not much.

Caspar slowly walks through the restaurant.

Caspar:

Damn... RIP to all these items of flare... You know I never understood this place. The walls would be adorned with a catcher’s mitt, an old trombone, and a monopoly board. What was the theme exactly? It always reminded me of one of those crabs that made its shell out of random garbage it would pick up along the way... Ava, there’s nobody in here, why are you sitting at the bar?

Ava:

Because I want to sit at a bar right now, it’s been a while.

Caspar:

Okay... What’s going on?

Ava:

Get behind the bar, be the bartender.

Caspar:

There isn’t any booze at this bar.

Ava:

Get behind the bar!

Caspar:

Fine!

Caspar goes behind the bar and starts looking through the empty bottles.

Caspar:

Good evening there, ma’am. Can I interest you in a tall glass of nothing?

Ava:

There’s got to be something back there.

Caspar:

Ava this place has been bobbing around like a cork for decades. Isn’t the local T.G.I. Fridays the first place you would go if your ship lost power and you were careening into the void?

Ava:

Yeah, I guess.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Caspar, I’m back at the diner, where are you?

Caspar:

We’re at America’s favorite restaurant T.G.I. Friday’s, Leif. Come for the food, stay for the fun.

Leif:

Where’s Ava?

Caspar:

She’s right here.

Leif:

Could you get her to clock in, please?

Caspar:

Hang on. Excuse me, Dr. Maddox, you have a call.

Ava:

Voicemail.

Caspar:

Ava.

Ava:

What?

Caspar:

Everybody on this ship is going to fucking die, can you put this in your ear, please?

Ava:

Fine... What is it, Leif?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) How can I tell if we’re at the heat death of the universe?

Ava:

By asking me and then me telling you we’re not at the heat death of the universe.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) How do you know, there’s no stars.

Ava:

I’m skeptical that that’s the case.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m back at the diner doing a scan, what would I look for if it we were at the heat death of the universe?

Ava:

You would look for me holding a sign saying, “Hey dipshit, this is not the heat death of the universe.”

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m under a lot of stress over here!

Ava:

Black holes, Leif. Look for black holes. After the heat death of the universe black holes will still be around. They have very different life cycles from the rest of things.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Excellent. I’ll report back.

Ava:

Or don’t?

A robot bartender springs to life for a brief second and then dies.

Robot Bartender:

Welcome to TGI Fridays, would you like to try our nacho blastinator...

Caspar:

I’m assuming this is some sort of robot bartender.

Ava:

That’s true dedication. Even in death he’s trying to upsell you some nachos.

Caspar:

Hang on...

Caspar rummages around in some bottles.

Caspar:

I believe there is a half full bottle down here... of... Peppermint Schnapps.

Ava:

Guh.

Caspar:

Yeesh.

Ava:

Of all the things they could’ve had left.

Caspar:

Well, I think we know why this is all that’s left. Who doesn’t want to drink a liquified candy cane?

Ava:

That’s disappointing.

Caspar:

... Ava, what’s going on?... Look, in the diner just now... it looked like you were crying, what’s going on?

Ava:

... I just need to sit here for a bit, okay?

Caspar:

... Okay.

Leif bursts through the door of the TGI Fridays.

Leif:

Jesus Christ look at this shit.

Caspar:

We’re over here.

Leif:

Hey. Hey, Ava, I did a scan.

Ava:

Can this meeting be an email?

Leif:

I’m trying to see if we’re at the heat death of the universe, I scan our surroundings, I’m expecting a whole bunch of nothing, right?

Ava:

Yes.

Leif:

Is that Schnapps?

Caspar:

Sadly.

Leif:

Hook me up.

Caspar:

Okay.

Leif:

So I do a scan and instead of giving me a whole bunch of nothing, it gives me a whole bunch of something.

Ava:

What?

Leif:

It’s the opposite of heat death. There’s something everywhere — what’s going on?

Ava:

I don’t know. You should probably go find out.

Caspar:

Can’t you put on a diving bell and go out there? Would that help?

Leif:

The last thing I’m trusting in this place is a vac suit.

Leif drinks the schnapps.

Leif:

That’s terrible... Cameras.

Caspar:

Cameras.

Leif:

There’s got to be cameras on the hull somewhere, I need to get access.

Caspar:

Good idea.

Ava:

Yes, you should do that.

Leif:

Here I go.

Caspar:

Au courage!

Leif walks out. We hear a door slide open. We hear an automatic sprinkler system.

Zebulon:

My goodness, look at all this.

Effie:

Last place you’d expect to find a farm.

Clementine:

This is my dome. I spent most of my life here. Ours is a little different from the others. Most of the Ag domes are a monoculture. They’d grow corn, or grain, or rice. This is a colony dome. It was supposed to simulate what it would be like to land on a new planet. We’re supposed to grow the crops that someone decided should be the first crops. There’s grapes, tomatoes, soybeans, potatoes...

Terric:

And beets.

Clementine:

And beets. My mother said I was born in that patch of beets right over there. She said she went into labor as soon as the ship was disabled. She didn’t have time to get to the med bay.

Gloria:

What happened to your Mother?

Clementine:

Nothing special. The same thing that happens to everyone else. Humans weren’t meant to be out here like this. I know that now. The average lifespan here is about fifty-five years old. Tissue damage, organ failure.

Gloria:

Jesus.

Clementine:

I told you I wished you hadn’t brought me here. Not because I shouldn’t be here... I really do deserve to be here... But you didn’t deserve to see it. When you leave you’re going to feel terrible, like you could’ve done something. There’s nothing to be done, Gloria.

Gloria:

We don’t know that yet.

Clementine:

You don’t know that yet. I do. Take your time coming around to my side. And don’t feel bad when you do... In a way, it’s good to be home.

Terric:

This whole place, you just take care of it yourself?

Clementine:

There used to be more of us. Now it’s just down to me and Brodie.

Gloria:

Who is Brodie?

We hear the hiss of an airlocked door and then the door sliding away. Brodie emerges wearing a spore mask.

Brodie:

(Speaking in a Scottish accent.) I’ve said it before and I’ll stand by it. There is never a sad day within the fruiting chamber, despite misfortunes without... Ah. Hello, all.

Clementine:

Hi, Brodie. I brought some friends.

Brodie:

That I can see. Who might you be?

Gloria:

I’m Gloria, hi.

Brodie:

Pleasure.

Terric:

Terric.

Brodie:

Hello to you, Terric. Miranda, I take it you’ve had second thoughts about today.

Clementine:

About today?

Brodie:

Yesterday I had said that we should, despite all melancholy, have a celebration in honor of your mother’s birthday. A birthday party. Perhaps a bit grim since she’s passed but I continue to believe it may set us right. It’s a good act, to remember those we’ve lost.

Clementine:

We talked about this yesterday?

Brodie:

We did.

Terric:

What is it?

Clementine:

...I’ve been gone for a day.

Brodie:

And where do your friends hail from?

Terric:

The historical archives deck, apparently.

Brodie:

I see. Can we still call it the historical archives deck when there’s no history to be found within?

Clementine:

They managed to uncover some records actually.

Brodie:

Is that the case? Anything useful in our time of need?

Terric:

The seventeenth century.

Gloria:

And restaurants.

Brodie:

Ah. It’s on odd pairing but anything is an improvement.

Clementine:

They’ve never been to an Ag Dome before I thought I would show them around.

Brodie:

Welcome. And what is that odd contraption you’ve brought with you?

Gloria:

Oh. It’s a... radio.

Brodie:

I see.

Gloria:

We put it together up on our deck. You, uh, you turn it on and it plays old radio shows from the 1920s.

Brodie:

Does it now?

Zebulon:

Ahem. Good evening to all who can hear my voice. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife Effie.

Effie:

Hi, y’all.

Zebulon:

We hope our message finds you well and all is right in your world. Let us begin tonight with bit of organ music, shall we? Here is Homer Rodeheaver with Mother’s Prayers Have Followed me Home...

SONG: Homer Rodeheaver, Mother’s Prayers Have Followed me Home.

Brodie:

That’s delightful.

Gloria:

Isn’t it?

Brodie:

And it’ll just go on like that?

Gloria:

Oh yes. There is definitely not an off switch.

Clementine:

Brodie, I’m going to show Terric around, could you show Gloria the fruiting chamber?

Brodie:

Indeed.

Gloria:

What’s the fruiting chamber?

Brodie:

It is a repository of the most fascinating creatures ever brought into existence.

Gloria:

Really?

Brodie:

May I show you the mushrooms?

Gloria:

Mushrooms? Hell yeah, you can show me the mushrooms.

Brodie:

Excellent. First let us fashion you with a spore mask. They do so love to get inside you, the devils.

Gloria:

Okay.

We hear the sound of leif working underneath the navigation console. He switches back and forth between his voice and Even Older Leif’s.

Leif:

“The problem with space is the darkness. You can’t see the violence. A lug nut gets up enough speed and it takes down a heavy cruiser. A place like this, no shielding systems. They should be dead.” Yeah, yeah they should be. “I’m guessing if space deals out randomized danger it can also deal out randomized safety.” Yeah, I guess it can, Old Man.

Some monitors spring to life in the bridge.

Leif:

Okay, there we go. Nice. Monitors are up. Okay... let’s see what we’ve got. We’ve got fore, we’ve got aft, long shot across the hull. Jesus this thing is huge. Okay, we’ve got, looks like, a couple of maintenance units outside. Would be great to get my hands on those. Christ, a communications laser? Sure, whatever... Whoa, look at that hull damage... Wait... “You seeing what I’m seeing, kid?”... Yeah, I’m seeing it. No time for that now, though... And on the outside, nothing but darkness. What the fuck?... “Hang on, Buster. You’re seeing darkness, but are you looking at the darkness?”... Goddamn... The Sheliak... Ava?

Ava:

(In earpiece.) What?

Leif:

It’s not the heat death of the universe.

Ava:

(In earpiece.) Wow, I’m so surprised.

Leif:

It’s the Sheliak.

Ava:

(In earpiece.) What?

Leif:

It’s Barnard 68.

Ava:

(In earpiece.) Ohhhhh. Okay.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) What?

Ava:

(In earpiece.) They drifted into a dark nebula. It’s a massive cloud of particulates that don’t reflect light. If you’re dumb enough it looks like the stars went out.

Leif:

Gloria, are you hearing this?

Gloria:

(In earpiece.) Yeah, so they’re in a big cloud?

Leif:

Not that big comparatively. About a quarter of a lightyear across.

Gloria:

(In earpiece.) Is this good news or bad news?

Leif:

It’s better than being at the end of the universe.

Gloria:

(In earpiece.) Okay. Good. I’ll call that good news. We need more good news now.

Leif:

I know.

Gloria:

(In earpiece.) “You’re not all going to die.” We need that kind of good news.

Leif:

I’m doing everything I can here, I don’t have anything to work with.

Gloria:

(In earpiece.) I know you, Leif. You’ve always got something to work with.

Leif:

I really don’t.

Gloria:

(In earpiece.) Leif. Make a list of everything you have. Then use all that stuff to fix the problem.

Leif:

I’ll do my best. How are things on your end?

Gloria:

(In earpiece.) I’m going to go look at some mushrooms.

Leif:

What?

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Leif, were you doing an Even Older Leif impression a second ago?

Leif:

Shut up, it helps me think!

We hear the footsteps of Terric and CLementine walking through rows of beets.

Clementine:

When they first started this dome, someone was assigned to each crop, but over the years the numbers dwindled. This dome was all about what life would be like in our new home, but people were less and less concerned about that as the years went by. There used to be five test domes like this, we’re the last one. As a little girl, my mother and I worked here.

Terric:

A field of beets.

Clementine:

Bull’s Blood, golden beets, Chioggia, and baby beets.

Terric:

This is why you asked me to bring you beets from the marketplace.

Clementine:

Yes, I think so.

We hear the sound of a chicken.

Terric:

You have a chicken.

Clementine:

We do. Hey, Riot.

Terric:

Riot? I realize this is technically a farm but... space chickens?

Clementine:

There was a genetic archive for a while but it took a lot of energy to keep it running and we were desperate for energy. They thought a novel way to preserve some of the embryos was to just... grow them and set them loose in the ship.

Terric:

So there’s just chickens walking around in this massive space ship?

Clementine:

Every dome has one. This is ours. Riot.

Terric:

What else is roaming around? Are there water buffalo?

Clementine:

Opossums.

Terric:

What?

Clementine:

For pest control. Somehow mice got onboard, and bugs. The opossums keep their numbers down.

Terric:

You have opossums crawling through the rafters of your space ship?

Clementine:

What can I say, they’re survivors. Sit down here.

They sit on the ground.

Clementine:

... Every year on my birthday my mother would sit me down here and she would tell me that I was born right on this spot. The ship was badly damaged and drifting, a lot of people were saying we were doomed, saying their last goodbyes to their loved ones... She said she knew we were going to be okay because in the middle of all this despair was something hopeful... me... she was... she was wrong... I wasn’t a sign of hope I was... I was what killed them. I was what destroyed their home, what made them have to climb into a life boat and shove off into the stars.

Terric:

I know it’s easy to see things that way-

Clementine:

I need you to leave.

Terric:

What?

Clementine:

I need you to go back to the diner and leave with them.

Terric:

Really.

Clementine:

Whatever that diner is, it’s miraculous. But the people inside it are only human. Maybe if they had all the time in the world, but they have less than a day. They’re not going to be able to save us.

Terric:

You don’t know that.

Clementine:

I need you to do this for me.

Terric:

You want me to abandon you, as a favor to you?

Clementine:

When I first left you, I said I would love you forever. I meant it. But that’s an easy thing to say when you know you’re not going to see someone again. And then I showed up in the parking lot the other day and I saw your face and something terrible happened. “Oh, God.” I thought. “Oh, God, it was actually true”... Nothing had changed, Terric... I love you. And the time I spent away from you is like a hole in me... If I strand you here with me you’re just adding to the list things that I’ve destroyed. Please don’t do that to me.

Terric:

...No, no I’m afraid I’m going to do that to you.

Clementine:

Terric.

Terric:

Look, I really appreciate you trying to be selfless and clean up your mess but I’m afraid you’re just going to have to be stuck with me.

Clementine:

Terric, I don’t want you to stay here.

Terric:

Of course you do, you’re in love with me.

Clementine:

I’m being serious.

Terric:

I don’t care.

Clementine:

You’re not listening to me.

Terric:

I don’t need to listen to you.

Clementine:

Fuck, Terric.

Terric:

Look, I admire what you’re doing. You’re looking at all the things that you’ve done and you’ve decided that the only way you can live with yourself is to orchestrate some kind of punishment, right? If you condemn yourself to a short and lonely life, wandering the beet field it will somehow make up for the destruction you’ve caused. Is that the plan? Well, first of all, it won’t make up for anything. You inadvertently dropped an asteroid on Earth, turned a mall full of people into zombies, and a whole host of other horrible things — I know, I was there to see them. None of that is going to be healed by you being sad for a while. The universe finds your personal suffering to be pretty irrelevant. As a former Roman Catholic, take it from me.

Clementine:

How am I supposed to live my life looking back at all the terrible things I’ve done?

Terric:

... I had the pleasure of meeting Caspar the other day. You’ve met Caspar... he’s an interesting guy, I’ve never really met anyone like him. He is, nose to tail, just a pile of regrets. That’s all he is. All he seems to consist of are his mistakes. And yet, he endures. He gets up the next day and continues even when he feels like he shouldn’t deserve it, even when he feels like it’s pointless. At some point he just decided that life is about the next day. And nothing else. Because how else would you function?

Clementine:

Terric, there’s “fucking up a lot,” and then there’s “fucking up an entire planet.” These are two different things. It’s not the usual list of mistakes I have to recover from, it’s so much worse.

Terric:

You know, the other day I was confronted with a long list of all aliases I’ve had over the centuries. For the first time I was confronted by the one alias that I didn’t choose: The Demon of Breitenfeld.

Clementine:

What does that mean?

Terric:

At a certain point I had to admit that what was happening to me wasn’t normal. I couldn’t explain it away anymore. Everyone I had ever known was dead. It was pretty terrifying. It was a level of loneliness I don’t think anyone’s ever felt. I needed this inexplicable part of me to make sense somehow... Then I got word that war had broken out in Europe. A religious war... I somehow convinced myself that that was my purpose. I was meant to be God’s man on Earth, here to do his bidding. So I traveled to the Kingdom of Sweden and I joined up with the Protestants... I was always a terrible swordsman but that doesn’t seem to matter when you can’t be killed... There was a battle near the town of Breitenfeld, the worst one of the entire war... I’ll spare you the details... I killed people, Clementine. Willingly... I can still see their faces... The war ended, nothing changed, and then... and then a hundred years later I could truly look back to see that this religious war wasn’t a religious war at all. It wasn’t a war between Protestants and Catholics it was a war between Feudalism and Capitalism. Religion was just the paint job... A lot of senseless death... And then I became a clown. And then I got married and had children, and then a couple of centuries later I did it all over again. I saw and did so many things. Good things. Things I’m proud to remember, and I did them all while still being haunted by that war. No one can live their life devoid of guilt or regret. But you’re not supposed to stop living because of it. You carry it with you, you honor it, but that’s not all you’re meant to do... If I can do it, so can you... We’ll do it together.

Clementine:

I just can’t imagine you as a space farmer.

Terric:

I’ve actually been a farmer like three times.

Clementine:

Really?

Terric:

Yeah, it used to be one of the only jobs.

Clementine:

You’re sure this is what you want?

Terric:

Yes.

Clementine:

I break everything I touch.

Terric:

You already broke me... Come on. Show me the rest of the farm.

Up on the bridge. Leif is pacing.

Leif:

“We going to keep wearing a hole on the deck or are we going to do something?” Okay, fine. What do we do? “Can’t make stew without looking in the cupboard.” Right... okay inventory... One completely fucked generation ship. Twenty seven thousand completely fucked passengers. One practically useless communications laser. Two extra-vehicular maintenance units. Looks like one welding unit and one riveting unit. The ship’s power source is reliable but I have no idea what it is because, and this is the crux of it: there is no navigation system. It’s been completely wiped. Back at the diner I’ve got a quantum processor that I could use to create a navigation interface for the ship. Could I do that in eleven hours? No. And even if I could, who would fly it after I’m gone... I could stay... I could stay aboard this ship, write the code in a few weeks and get them to safety. That would save them. Find them a shitty planet somewhere... save the human race... “And how would you feel about that, Kid?”... These are humans. These are my people... I have to save them somehow. “Buster, you and I both know that you haven’t been a member of the human race for a long time. You left that behind at Sirius A.” This is all I have to work with. I can’t leave them all to die just because I want to stay with the diner... This is all I have... (Now imitating Old Leif.) “That is not all he has.” (Even Older Leif.) “Well, well, well. If it isn’t the middle child.” (Old Leif.) “It is a trap we have always fallen into. We take inventory and it is always incomplete. We never account for what we truly have, do we Leif?” (Back to Leif.) You’re right. Let’s take a real inventory.

Back to TGI Friday’s.

Ava:

So, Clementine turns her entire planet into Swiss cheese and now she just gets to hang out with her hot medieval boyfriend?

Caspar:

Is this Dr. Ava Maddox, agent of chaos, suddenly expecting some sort of justice from the universe? You think she deserves a visit from Lady Karma?

Ava:

I guess not, but she basically threw an entire planet into a rock tumbler.

Caspar:

It was her planet that she was trying to save when she inadvertency threw it into a rock tumbler.

Ava:

“Oops, I didn’t mean it,” is a weak defense.

Caspar:

Well, she didn’t mean it. Oops.

Ava:

Whatever.

Caspar:

Look. When my kid first ran away from home, I left the house and I never came back... I was out there for God knows how long, looking for him. Did I have a plan? Did I ever feel like I was “on the trail”? No. It was insanity. I had literally broken with reality. I was panicked, grief-stricken, angry, you name it. We’ve been to some dark places and that’s the darkest place I’ve ever been to. Locked up in my head. If I had, at that moment, been given all the power that Clementine was given... I would’ve torn the universe apart and felt fine about it. She’s not a super-villain, she’s not Ming the Merciless, she’s just... a dummy. Like everybody else.

Ava:

... So it’s possible that this entire adventure you’re having on the diner could just be a gigantic psychotic break and it’s all happening in your head?

Caspar:

I suppose it’s possible, yeah. But that would be bad writing.

Ava:

True.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Ava.

Ava:

What?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) What do you know about lasers?

Ava:

They go pew pew.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Not laser guns. Laser physics.

Ava:

I don’t know. Ask me a question and let’s find out.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Did you read anything about what the Imperial College London was doing with lasers?

Ava:

Um...

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Something about group 16 elements.

Ava:

Oh right. Yes. If an element has two ions, you can use the laser to cause the ions to rub together like matchsticks.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) And what does that give me?

Ava:

Well, according to the paper it would give you a temperature hotter than the sun in the span of twenty quadrillionths of a second.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Interesting.

Caspar:

What are you doing up there, Leif?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m going to burn a hole through this nebula with a communications laser.

Ava:

Fun.

Caspar:

Is that a euphemism for something or are you literally making a laser-phone?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m literally making a laser-phone.

Caspar:

Okay, well I hope that they’re careful when they pick up on the other end.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Gloria, are you okay with me shooting a big laser into the sky? It’s going to make a pretty big flash.... Gloria?

Caspar:

Gloria?

Ava:

Well I’m okay with it, and I’m very responsible about these things.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Fuck it, I don’t have time for approval. Making a laser-phone!

Caspar:

Good luck!

Ava:

Who is he going to call?

Caspar:

I don’t know, triple-A?

We hear the pressurized environment of the fruiting chamber. Gloria and Brodie walk through with spore masks on.

Brodie:

Back when the decision was being made all those years ago, the powers that be decided that only the edible mushrooms should be brought aboard. A shame, really. It‘s certainly no fault of theirs that they’re among the most lethal substances on the planet.

Gloria:

This is amazing. You’ve got everything here. button, oyster, chanterelles, look at those morels, my God.

Brodie:

I hear on Earth that the morels were truly delicious in the season after a forest fire.

Gloria:

Yes. Burn morels. They’re amazing.

Brodie:

And how would you know that?

Gloria:

I mean, I imagine they would be. Is that Hen of the Woods?

Brodie:

Yes. She’s a beauty, isn’t she?

Gloria:

Those were so rare on earth. A cluster like this you could sell for a fortune.

Brodie:

That’s an interesting way of putting it. Were they all so obsessed with it?

Gloria:

Mushrooms?

Brodie:

Money.

Gloria:

Oh. Yeah, yeah they were. It made the world go round.

Brodie:

Hard to imagine. There are so many in need here, I can’t imagine holding back what we’ve grown for a bit of, whatever it was called, cash.

Gloria:

I know it sounds strange. It sounds strange to hear you describe it. I met woman once named Jane. Jane believed that humanity was born bad from the very beginning, going all the way back to the cave men. She thought that the only way to really fix anything on Earth was to start over from the very beginning, which you can never do.

Brodie:

I thought we’d have that opportunity. Off to a new world and all.

Gloria:

I know. If you don’t mind me saying you have a surprisingly chipper attitude for someone stranded in deep space.

Brodie:

That’s true enough. I spend quite a lot of my time in this chamber, that may be why.

Gloria:

With the mushrooms?

Brodie:

We’ve spent a year now floating in complete darkness, not knowing how or why, no path to escape. It’s enough to grind a man to dust. But when I wake at the beginning of the day, I come here and I don this mask. I enter the chamber and I walk among these strange creatures. They whisper to me.

Gloria:

What do they say?

Brodie:

“There is life even in the darkness,” they say. “If we thrive then so shall you,” they say. And atop the comfort they provide, there is the occasional mystery.

Gloria:

A fungus mystery?

Brodie:

Indeed. Come this way. Across the way there is a dome that specializes in corn. And one day these gents bring to me a bundle of stalks. Their faces were white with fear as though they’d seen the devil himself. After close inspection, I found this odd little creature. Now, if we’d not lost our databases and were not floating in the dark, I’m sure I could look such things up, but as we are here in this veil of ignorance, it remains a mystery. Do you see here, how the fungus rises up out of the kernels like leaves? Certainly a fungus, but I’ve no idea what.

Gloria:

Well, you enjoy a mystery so I don’t want to ruin it for you.

Brodie:

Do you know what this is?

Gloria:

Yes. Huitlacoche. Corn fungus.

Brodie:

Fascinating. And you know this as an expert on, what was it? Restaurants of Earth?

Gloria:

I do. Because it’s delicious.

Brodie:

This bizarre substance sprouting from this corn is some sort of delicacy?

Gloria:

It sure is. Is there a kitchen somewhere in this bubble?

Brodie:

There is.

Gloria:

Come on, I’ll show you.

Brodie:

Lead on.

Back on the bridge. Leif is thinking.

Leif:

(Even Older Leif.) “What are we looking at?” We’re looking at a communications laser... “Pretty bad shape, looks like.” Yeah. “Couple of maintenance droids out there. Could do the trick.” Yeah. “Comms are down though. Can’t control ‘em.” True. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”... We’re literally the same person, so I imagine so. “Well then. Showtime.” Okay... Ahem... Hey, Mucklewains?

Effie:

Yes, Leif?

Leif:

How are things going down there?

Effie:

Well, you know how it is in these situations, you don’t want to spook the locals too much, so Zebulon and myself have been keeping a low profile, acting like a plain old wireless.

Zebulon:

And though our situation is dire, we seemed to have settled into a bit of a pastoral attitude. Clementine and Terric have retired to the beet field to find that long way back to each other.

Effie:

And Gloria has been spending a bit of time with a new fellow.

Zebulon:

A scotsman, we believe.

Effie:

Their conversations have taken on a bit of an interesting tone, if I my say so.

We hear gloria in the background laughing.

Gloria:

Oh my God, that’s so funny!

Leif:

Anything to pass the time, I guess.

Effie:

His facial hair suggests he’s a bit of rapscallion, but I’m having a hard time gettin’ mad at it, if you catch my meaning.

Leif:

I do.

Zebulon:

Leif, how goes your endeavors? We are quite worried for the people that make their home here.

Leif:

Well, I’m looking at the hull of the ship right now and there’s a couple of maintenance units out there.

Effie:

... Alright.

Leif:

One of them is used for welding and the other is for riveting.

Zebulon:

Those sound useful.

Leif:

Yeah. Yeah, they’re exactly what I need right now.

Effie:

Well... Good.

Leif:

Yeah. Yeah it’s real great...

Zebulon:

... Wonderful.

Leif:

Because you can just imagine them out there right? They’re both magnetized to the deck, so that’s great. No chance of losing them.

Effie:

Good.

Leif:

One of them is magnetized treads and the other one has articulating legs.

Effie:

Leif.

Leif:

And if I can get control of them, well...

We hear radio static.

Effie:

Leif, are you doing what I think you’re-

The static buzzes and crackles.

Leif:

... Effie?

Effie:

... Yes, Leif?

Leif:

Where are you two right now?

Effie:

Well, where do you think we are Leif?

Zebulon:

Dear, I believe that Leif has tricked us into expediting ourselves onto the outside of this vessel.

Effie:

Really, Dear? What tipped you? Was it the fact that we are currently on the outside of this vessel?

Zebulon:

Yes, that was it.

Effie:

Leif, I hope you are counting yourself lucky that we now have experience both as automatons and as a couple of folks floating out here in the inky blackness.

Leif:

I’m counting myself very lucky.

Zebulon:

Leif, I have many legs.

Leif:

Okay, that was my next question. Zeb it looks like you’re in the riveting unit. It kind of walks around like a spider, give it a try.

Zebulon awkwardly walks back and forth with all of his new legs.

Zebulon:

This is an awful lot of legs to keep track of, Leif.

Leif:

Effie, how is he doing?

Effie:

Last time he walked this awkward was when he carried me across the threshold.

Leif:

Okay, Zeb just keep practicing, you’ll get the hang of it in a bit.

Effie:

Leif, I am some sort of vehicularity.

Leif:

Right, so Zebulon has legs and you have magnetized treads.

She rolls back and forth a little bit.

Effie:

Alright, simple enough, forwards and back.

Leif:

Your right hand is a kind of clamp, can you move it?

Effie:

Yeah, I’m moving it just fine, I do miss fingers and thumbs.

Leif:

Your left hand is different though. It should be an arclight welder.

We hear the snap of an arclight welding gun.

Effie:

Goodness! That’s coming right out of my hand! What in all heck is this for?

Leif:

You’re going to do some welding.

Effie:

I’m sure I don’t know how to do that, Leif.

Leif:

You’ve used a soldering iron, it’s kind of like that.

Effie:

This don’t look like no soldering iron to me, Leif.

Leif:

Well it is about six thousand degrees Celsius, so keep it away from Zebulon.

Effie:

Just so’s you know. If I’ve still got this flame on my hand next time I see you I’m going to burn you right on your hiney.

Leif:

And I’d deserve it. So, your model is meant for rapid response to seal a breach in the hull before the oxygen leaks out. You can probably get up a lot of speed.

Effie:

Alright let’s test her out.

Effie briefly and sharply moves forward.

Effie:

Oh! Well, now. That does have some zip to it, don’t it? Out of the way, husband, I’m going to open her up.

Zebulon:

Do be careful, dear.

Effie takes off across the hull of the ship.

Effie:

Hooo-wee! This thing drives like a chicken on fire!

Zebulon:

Now Leif, what am I meant to do?

Leif:

Okay, Zeb, you’ve got a pneumatic riveter in your body.

Zebulon:

And what do I do with it?

Leif:

Kind of, squat your body down so it’s flush with the hull and it will shoot a rivet through the steel.

Zebulon:

... Well that sounds a bit indelicate, Leif.

Leif:

I’m sure it’ll feel fine, Give it a try.

Zebulon:

Very well.

Zebulon lowers his new robot body to the hull. We hear the loud thud of his riveter.

Zebulon:

Oh my!

Leif:

There you go.

Zebulon:

That was surprising.

Leif:

Now we’re in business. Okay you two, let’s fix a laser gun.

Zebulon:

A laser?

Back at TGI Friday’s.

Robot Bartender:

What are you hankering for... try our new... munchies... Menu...

Caspar:

... Would you like to try the new munchies menu?

Ava:

No.

Caspar:

... So are we going to keep looking at the bottle of Peppermint Schnapps wishing it was something else?

Ava:

Yes.

Caspar:

... Ava what was going on back at the diner, you looked, I don’t know how you looked.

Ava:

Nothing. Don’t worry about it.

Caspar:

Okay...

Ava:

...

Caspar:

... Have you heard any good jokes lately?

Ava:

No

Caspar:

... Have you heard the one about the armless hunchback?

Ava:

I figured it out.

Caspar:

... Figured what out?

Ava:

It.

Caspar:

... What “it” are we talking about?

Ava:

Everything.

Caspar:

... Can you be more specific than that?

Ava:

No.

Caspar:

... Why not?

Ava:

Because I literally mean everything.

Caspar:

Everything.

Ava:

Yes.

Caspar:

... When you say “everything”-

Ava:

I know how the universe works. I know what the diner is. I know what it’s doing... Everything.

Caspar:

... This is what you’ve been looking for.

Ava:

Yes.

Caspar:

Since I met you this is what you’ve been looking for.

Ava:

It is.

Caspar:

... So this is... a big day.

Ava:

... Not really.

Caspar:

What the fuck are you talking about “not really”?

Ava:

I mean “not really”?

Caspar:

What the fuck are you talking about?

Ava:

Who’s going to know?... Caspar, just now, in the diner, me and my pencil and my notebook... we cracked the universe wide open... Everything I ever wanted to do, I did just now sitting at my booth. Everything. And it happened on a derelict spaceship full of doomed Earthlings... No one’s ever going to know... And I always knew that’s how it would be. I knew that when I walked through your door... But now that it’s happened... it hurts a little... but that’s okay.

Caspar:

... No.

Ava:

What?

Caspar:

No. No, I don’t like this, I don’t like how this is going.

Ava:

What do you mean?

Caspar:

Come on, come outside.

Ava:

Everything is inside.

Caspar:

Come on.

They walk out into nostalgia PAVILION.

Ava:

What are we doing?

Caspar:

Let’s just stand here. Right here in the middle of this abandoned food court in space.

Ava:

Ok.

Caspar:

... I won. Say it.

Ava:

I won.

Caspar:

No, come on, you’ve got to say it louder. C’mon, I won.

Ava:

I won.

Caspar:

Ava, goddamn it. I won.

Ava:

I won?

Caspar:

What the hell are you doing? This is the big moment. This is the FU to the cosmos, this is all you’ve ever wanted.

Ava:

And I need to shout “I won”?

Caspar:

Yes goddamn it! You gave up everything in your life all the comforts of home, your job, your house, readily available cigarettes, you stopped being human, you became a walking mission, you turned into cruise missile headed for the heart of everything! YELL IT GODDAMN IT! I WON!

Ava:

I WON!

Ava’s voice echoes down the hull of the gigantic spaceship.

Caspar:

... Okay... Okay that feels better. Right?

Ava:

Sure... Caspar?

Caspar:

Yes.

Ava:

Do you want to know how the universe works?

Caspar:

I don’t know, is there a lot of math?

Ava:

Caspar.

Caspar:

No, I totally do, but we’ve really got to go drink the schnapps.

Ava:

No.

Caspar:

It’s all we have, we have to make do. C’mon.

Ava:

Fine.

Caspar:

Here we go.

The go back into the TGI Fridays.

Caspar:

It’s going to be fine. I think if we just pretend we’re at some sort of Bavarian ski chalet it should be fine.

Caspar pour two glasses.

Caspar:

Here we go. Hey, Ava, how were the slopes today?

Ava:

The... slopes were fine.

Caspar:

Great. Prost.

They drink. It’s bad.

Caspar:

... Pinesol.

Ava:

Big yuck.

Caspar:

Okay, let’s not do that again.

Ava:

No.

Caspar:

Big mistake.

Ava:

... So?

Caspar:

... Okay, explain how literally everything works. But please remember I’m an idiot.

Ava:

I can’t possibly forget that.

Caspar:

Okay... go.

Ava:

A long time ago, a colleague of mine dumped a bunch of unfinished research on my desk. She wasn’t going to be able to finish it because she was about to be discredited and disgraced. She was sleeping with the Dean’s wife... When I was able to put it all together, it was an elegant picture of the universe: The end of every universe is the beginning of another. Every universe is a story to be told. A play. The curtain rises, there’s a beginning a middle and an end, and then the curtain falls. But then the next night, the curtain rises again, and the play begins again.

Caspar:

How does a new universe just begin?

Ava:

There’s this physicist, Leonard Suskind. He’s a cool guy. He can talk to you about complexity theory within black holes and it will still feel like he’s trying to figure out what’s wrong with your Volkswagen. “If you wait long enough, everything will happen. Including what you started with,” he said... If you assume that space and time is infinite, then there is a non-zero chance that, at some point in deep space, a 1972 Buick Skylark will assemble itself for no reason. And if there’s a non-zero chance of everything happening and space and time is infinite, then everything will happen... Including the universe starting over.

Caspar:

That sounds simple enough.

Ava:

It does, but there was a problem.

Caspar:

... A shifting point of null entropy.

Ava:

Yes. Also known as a diner that travels through space, time, and dimension. I knew it fit into the big picture somehow. But the picture wasn’t complete yet. Enter: The Schmutz.

Caspar:

Ah. The schmutz.

Ava:

Once Leif had set up the scanner, we saw, in every universe, massive damage to the fabric of space/time. It was everywhere. Black holes can cause it, Clementine can cause it, but there was so much of it, it had to be something else. Something bigger. What’s bigger than a black hole, Caspar?

Caspar:

I don’t know, the Beatles?

Ava:

Nothing. But I wasn’t zoomed out enough. There’s one thing bigger than a black hole. The creation of the universe itself. The massive explosion that kicks off every universe. All the damage we’ve been seeing, it comes from the beginning... Every universe tears itself apart. Every universe is a wound, full of damage and chaos and pain. It comes screaming into existence, begging to be healed. And for the first half of it’s life, it’s a shit show. Galaxies colliding. One world swallows another. Stars become black holes, swallowing other stars... Pain... And then... and then about half way through this play that must seem like a tragedy, something happens.

Caspar:

What happens?

Ava:

Out there, somewhere, something says stop. Something says enough. The damage is healed. For the first time. The pain and suffering that has defined everything suddenly faces something new. This new thing says “I will not feel this anymore. I will not feel pain and then cause more. I will do something new”... And everything changes. It’s small at first but this new force in the universe, it multiplies just like the damage does... The universe begins to heal. It begins to draw itself back together. And the second half of the play is the journey back to the beginning. And then the curtain falls.

Caspar:

What... what is this thing that says stop, what is it?

Ava:

Turns out. It’s a diner.

Caspar:

It’s us.

Ava:

Yes.

Caspar:

We’re... saving the universe.

Ava:

No, dude. A process has begun. Every universe saves itself. We’re the catalyst.

Caspar:

Ava, why the fuck is it a diner?

Ava:

You tell me.

Caspar:

I can’t, that’s your job.

Ava:

No, I mean... It didn’t actually start with the diner... There was a lonely, desperate man. Deep in the deepest sadness he’d ever felt. The kind of sadness that’s so deep, it feels like insanity. A man who’d lost his mind. And there in the depths of it, when he was so desperate for the world to change, he found himself in the middle of nowhere in California. And then suddenly there was a diner... I don’t think it started with the diner, Caspar. I think it started with you. That small, infinitesimal turn in the universe that began to fight back the darkness, was just a sad man with hope.

Caspar:

And you learned all this... from math.

Ava:

I’ve been working on this for a while, Caspar, what do you think I’m doing at that booth?

Caspar:

I don’t know, sudoku?... It’s pretty amazing.

Ava:

I know.

Caspar:

It’s amazing, what you do. You’re an amazing person.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Caspar.

Caspar:

What’s up?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) What the hell we’re you two yelling about?

Caspar:

Uh...

Ava:

(To Caspar.) Just us right now, okay?

Caspar:

We were arguing about jalepeño poppers.

Leif:

Jesus Christ, you two. Look, I want to warn you, as soon as I fire this laser it’s going to be suddenly very bright for a few seconds. All twenty seven thousand people on this ship are going to freak out.

Caspar:

That sounds fun.

Ava:

Leif, if the laser is burning hotter than the sun, how are you not going to obliterate whatever you’re trying to communicate with?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Initial few seconds are just to burn through the nebula, I’ll bring down the levels once I’m through.

Caspar:

And who are you calling with this communication laser?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) There’s a communications node not far from here. Though by my calculations we’re about 150 years out from our last stop, so I hope it’s still there.

Caspar:

And you’re just going to shout “help” really loud?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Something like that.

We hear zebulon singing and RHYTHMICALLY driving rivets into the hull.

Zebulon:

As I walked out in the streets of Laredo,As I walked out in Laredo one day.I spied a young cowboy all wrapped in white linen,Wrapped in white linen as cold as the clay.

Gloria:

What the hell is Zebulon doing?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Oh hey, Gloria. I had to borrow the Mucklewains. They took over some maintenance droids on the outside of the ship.

Gloria:

But what is he doing?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Right. Zebulon, what did you call that again?

Zebulon:

(In earpiece.) Well it’s a bit of a working song, Leif. Just a bit of song to make the time go faster. Helpful if you’re driving fence posts, or snapping string beans, or driving metallic spikes into a behemoth wandering the stars in search of a home.

Gloria:

Okay. Carry on.

Zebulon:

(In earpiece.) I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy. These words he did say as I boldly walked by.Come sit down beside me and hear my sad story,I'm shot in the breast and I know I must die.

Effie is at the other side of the dome near gloria, tapping on the glass.

Effie:

(In earpiece.) Hey, Gloria.

Tap tap tap.

Effie:

(In earpiece.) Gloria can you see me?

Tap tap tap.

Gloria:

Where are you?

Effie:

(In earpiece.) Over yonder by the potato patch.

Tap tap tap.

Gloria:

Oh. Oh I see you. Hi, Effie. You’re... you’re a little car thing.

Effie:

(In earpiece.) Gloria I have been locomoting all over the side of this behemoth trying to get the beast up and running. Have a gander at this sparky hand of mine.

She zaps her arclight in the air.

Gloria:

Wow. Are you two okay out there?

Effie:

(In earpiece.) We’re just fine. Good to be blessed with work. What are you doing in there?

Gloria:

Making Huitlacoche.

Effie:

(In earpiece.) Mm-hmm. Gloria that’s not some kind of a code word for something else now is it?

Gloria:

No.

Effie:

(In earpiece.) I seen the look of that man, same as you.

Gloria:

He had some growing in the mushroom chamber, I’m showing him how to cook it.

Ava:

(In earpiece.) He? Who’s he?

Gloria:

Brodie.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Who’s Brodie?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Gloria, are you on a fucking date or something?

Gloria:

No!

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Why are me and the Mucklewains the only ones working the problem right now?

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Well, what do you want us to do, Leif? Help?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) No.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Okay, well whatever “Making Huitlacoche” is a euphemism for, let’s let Gloria do it with this guy.

Gloria:

It’s not a euphemism! It’s corn fungus! I’m making corn fungus!

Ava:

(In earpiece.) “Making corn fungus” sounds dirty.

Gloria:

Oh my God, I hate you all so much.

Zebulon:

(In earpiece.) Then beat your drum slowly and play your fife lowly,Beat the Dead March as you carry me along,We all love our cowboys so young and so handsome,We all love our cowboys although they've done wrong.

Terric and clementine walk through the dome.

Terric:

Seems like an odd assortment of crops to take down to a new planet.

Clementine:

Staple crops take a long time to set up. These are all things that are more adaptable. Potatoes for a cold planet, tomatoes for a hot one. Soy beans are versatile, and then my beets. There would be a lot of new toxins on a new world so the beets are there to take a scrub brush to your liver. Also you make sugar with them, and that’s nice. The grape vines wouldn’t grow so fast but it’s a great way to attract local bacteria once they start making fruit. And once they start making fruit, you can make wine. The kind of wine that I’m sure was enjoyed by your attractive French wife.

Terric:

I’m in for a lifetime of comments about my French wife, aren’t I?

Clementine:

Yes. Can you at least tell me that your second wife was a frigid school marm or something?

Terric:

She was Brazilian.

Clementine:

Oh, motherfucker, Terric.

Terric:

Sorry. I really did miss you the whole time.

Clementine:

Prove it.

Terric:

I gave up immortality for you.

Clementine:

Well, I need additional proof.

Terric:

Okay... That woman who tracked you down? She dug up evidence of you throughout history. Tamara?

Clementine:

Yes.

Terric:

The first thing that sent her down the rabbit hole looking for you was a painting of you from 1917 by an artist named Modigliani. “Woman with the Red Hair.”

Clementine:

I never met an artist named Modigliani.

Terric:

I know. It was me.

Clementine:

... It was you?

Terric:

I’m Modigliani.

Clementine:

Shut the fuck up.

Terric:

It’s true.

Clementine:

You can’t paint.

Terric:

Try living for seven hundred years, you’ll learn to paint eventually.

Clementine:

Okay, so you painted a picture of me, big deal.

Terric:

I hadn’t seen you for six hundred years. Could still paint you from memory.

Clementine:

... Okay, I guess that’s pretty good.

We hear a sizzling pan. Gloria is cooking.

Gloria:

I go on about this all the time. Cooking like this. It’s history. History lives everywhere. We think it’s in a book or in a database somewhere. It’s in us. I’m smelling this Huitlacoche in the pan and I’m thinking of my grandmother. History is in the senses, in smells and tastes. Things like that should be preserved, too, not just facts.

Brodie:

I understand that intimately.

Gloria:

Do you?

Brodie:

I imagine there’s a question you have for me that you’re working up the courage to ask.

Gloria:

I have?

Brodie:

You’d like to know why I speak as though my heart is in the highlands when I have never, in fact, set foot on Earth.

Gloria:

Ah... yes the thought did cross my mind.

Brodie:

It’s as you say. History lives not just in books but the food we eat, but also, in the way we speak. When my grandfather boarded this ship he spoke as I do. My father couldn’t help but speak this way as well, and now I also take up the mantle. When I speak this way, those who’ve gone before me are carried forward into the present. They live in me, in the way that I speak.

Gloria:

That’s nice.

Brodie:

Besides, what would the future be without at least one Scot?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Gloria?

Gloria:

One second, Brodie... What’s up?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m ready to fire this thing.

Gloria:

Okay. What’s going to happen?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) The sky’s going to light up like it’s the middle of the day. But only for a few seconds. Then, I imagine, everyone on board this ship is going to lose it.

Gloria:

I’m sure they’ll forgive you. Then what happens?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Then I’m going to call for help.

Gloria:

Think there’s anybody out there?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) If not, we’re screwed.

Gloria:

I believe in you Leif. I knew you could do it.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Not really used to people being proud of me, Gloria.

Gloria:

I’ll keep it to a minimum. Light it up.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Here goes nothing.

Brodie:

Are you speaking to someone with some sort of communication device?

Gloria:

Hey Brodie, listen. Something’s about to happen. It’s going to freak you out but everything’s going to be okay.

Brodie:

I’m sorry?

Gloria:

... I don’t live on this ship, Brodie. My friends and I actually just got here today.

Brodie:

... What on Earth are you talking about?

Gloria:

Well, it’s like your mushrooms keep saying to you. “There is life even in the darkness”.

We hear a massive pulse of energy as the sky lights up with a blinding light.

Brodie:

JESUS MARY AND FUCKING JOSEPH!

Gloria:

Wow! Pretty great, huh!

Brodie:

There’s been an explosion of some kind. We need to get you to an escape pod, I’ll show you the closest one!

Gloria:

Brodie. What did I just say?

Clementine:

Gloria, what was that?

Terric:

It lit up the entire sky!

Gloria:

That was Leif calling for help.

Clementine:

Calling for help with what?

Gloria:

A communications laser, apparently.

A ship wide alarm starts sounding.

Gloria:

What is that?

Clementine:

That’s the evacuation alarm.

Brodie:

Of course it is, there’s just been an explosion!

Gloria:

Leif, should the evacuation alarm be going off right now?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Nope. Everything went off perfectly, that’s just them freaking out.

Gloria:

We’re fine.

Brodie:

Who are you talking to?

Gloria:

My engineer.

Brodie:

Your what?

Clementine:

Brodie, it’s okay. I know it’s crazy, but they’re here to help.

Brodie:

Here to help?! Who are they?

Gloria:

We run a diner.

Back on the bridge.

Effie:

(In earpiece.) Hot damn! Look at her go!

Zebulon:

(In earpiece.) Leif, it’s glorious!

Leif:

That did not disappoint. Nice work, Mucklewains, I couldn’t have done it without you.

Ava:

(In earpiece.) Leif, that fucking ruled.

Caspar:

(In earpiece.) Leif gets to do all the cool things, we’ve noticed that, right?

Effie:

(In earpiece.) I really feel like we made something here, husband. It’s a real beauty.

Zebulon:

(In earpiece.) Like a beacon to the heavens.

Leif:

Okay, Mucklewains stand by in case we need to do adjustments. Everybody cross your fingers.

We hear leif connecting wires to the command console.

Leif:

Please god work...

We hear the hum of a communications system sending out a signal. It continues for a long while until finally...

Deep Space Comms Node:

Hello and thank you for choosing deep space comms node number 83. Please enter your username now.

Leif:

Voice prompt only.

Deep Space Comms Node:

You have chosen “Voice prompt only.” Please speak username now.

Leif:

Roamin’ Ronin.

Deep Space Comms Node:

Thank you “ Roamin’ Ronin.” How may I help you today?

Leif:

Reroute to user.

Deep Space Comms Node:

You have chosen “Reroute to user.” Please speak username now.

Leif:

Julia Fucking Roberts.

Deep Space Comms Node:

You have chosen “Julia Fucking Roberts.” Connecting now...

Hold music. It goes on for way too long.

Leif:

C’mon...

The hold music stops and then...

Bertbert:

Let’s see, an unmarked call on my Tangle, that could only be one person.

Leif:

Berts?

Bertbert:

Hello, Leif.

Leif:

Holy shit, thank God!

Bertbert:

Hi.

Leif:

Let’s hear it for long Sigian life spans, huh?

Bertbert:

Sure. Leif, what’s going on?

Leif:

I’m in so much trouble!

Bertbert:

Yes, there are some things I just assume with you.

Leif:

I uh... shit where to start?

Bertbert:

I don’t know, Leif.

Leif:

I mean, how are you?

Bertbert:

Okay, don’t start there, start with the trouble you’re in, we can catch up later.

Leif:

Okay... I am currently on a derelict generation ship carrying the last twenty seven thousand Earthlings and I need to save all their lives.

Bertbert:

... What?

Leif:

I know.

Bertbert:

Leif. Earth has been dead for at least a hundred years.

Leif:

They built a lifeboat. A really irresponsible lifeboat. They were hit by something, I don’t know what. The main systems went offline decades ago Berts. The ship is, right now, trapped in Barnard 68.

Bertbert:

Where?

Leif:

The Sheliak!

Bertbert:

Oh... Leif, that’s impossible.

Leif:

I live on the roof of a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner, we’re talking about impossible?

Bertbert:

... Okay... Okay, how have they managed to stay alive?

Leif:

I have no idea. The ship is basically held together by fairy dust but they somehow managed to make a very stable power source.

Bertbert:

What is it?

Leif:

I have no idea! The navigation systems are all wiped out and I can’t interact with any ship systems. The amount of electrical tape and crossed wires it took me just to talk to you is ridiculous!

Bertbert:

Okay calm down just... okay... you’re on a ship full of Earthlings.

Leif:

Yes.

Bertbert:

Okay... This is bad on so many levels.

Leif:

Tell me about it!

Bertbert:

There’s not supposed to be any Earthlings left.

Leif:

I know!

Bertbert:

And you need my help.

Leif:

I’d love to say I was calling for another reason.

Bertbert:

Just... just list for me all the things you need.

Leif:

Okay... The ship needs repairs and it needs an operating system, but it’s not like anyone’s left who knows how to fly the ship so the operating system needs to be autonomous. But that’s just part of the problem. They left the planet thinking that there were a ton of uninhabited Earth-like planets out there. Little did they know that every habitable plant is already inhabited and if it’s not it’s property of the goddamn Teds.

Bertbert:

Uh...

Leif:

So, they don’t just need their ship fixed, they need a destination and they don’t know that there isn’t one available. They’re so screwed, Berts!

Bertbert:

Yeah...

Leif:

I need... I need Sigius to take them.

Bertbert:

Leif-

Leif:

I know it’s a lot of people, I know it’ll be hard, but Sigius is the only planet that I trust to do this, can you please-

Bertbert:

Leif, stop.

Leif:

... What?

Bertbert:

When was the last time you saw me?

Leif:

What do you mean?

Bertbert:

Just tell me.

Leif:

... We had just blown up the Teds’ wind chimes, what do you mean?

Bertbert:

Oh fuck, okay...

Leif:

What?

Bertbert:

That was about a hundred and fifty years ago.

Leif:

Yeah... Yeah I know.

Bertbert:

Leif, we can’t take them.

Leif:

Berts, you’ve got to help me.

Bertbert:

Leif, listen to me... This is so confusing, I thought I’d be better at this by now... After Even Older Leif’s funeral I went back home to Sigius. There was so much bad blood towards the Teds after you left... it all boiled over... There was a war, Leif. Across the entire system. It was bad.

Leif:

Shit.

Bertbert:

Millions of people died. It went on for years.

Leif:

Please don’t tell me the Teds won.

Bertbert:

No. They didn’t. But they still control half of the Triad. There’s a peace treaty but it’s a very tenuous one.

Leif:

That sounds horrific but it sounds like a step in the right direction.

Bertbert:

There was an article in the treaty. Article 53. The Teds held Earth responsible for a lot of their misfortune, mainly because of you all. No planet or organization was allowed to interact with Earth. Ever. Earth was to be completely cut off from The Triad... “Let Earth burn,” they said... That would include a ship full of twenty seven thousand of them.

Leif:

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Bertbert:

I’m sorry.

Leif:

Why would they agree to that?

Bertbert:

It wasn’t them, it was us. It was me... The coalition of planets that fought the Teds elected a Chancellor... That chancellor was me.

Leif:

... You fought the Teds and you won.

Bertbert:

Finally. But not without defeats. Earth was one of those defeats, I’m sorry.

Leif:

So if any planet comes to our aid, the war starts again.

Bertbert:

It may. And we can’t do it again, Leif. It cost us so much.

Leif:

... This fucking day.

Bertbert:

I know.

Leif:

This fucking DAY, Bertbert.

Bertbert:

Look, if it were just me, I’d get in a ship myself right now. But you know how it is here, everything is a committee. I would never get everyone on board.

Leif:

... When I heard your voice I really thought I was home free.

Bertbert:

I know. I’m so sorry... Leif I know this is hard for you but... in a few hours you’ll be in a whole new world and far away from this problem. Maybe tomorrow you’ll be somewhere the Teds never existed in the first place.

Leif:

I can’t leave these people to die, Berts.

Bertbert:

Well, unless you’ve got some magic wand that can make the Teds magically disappear there’s nothing either of us can do... God this is terrible, it usually goes much better when you pop back into my life.

Leif starts laughing.

Bertbert:

Leif? Leif what’s happening?

Leif:

Magic wand.

Bertbert:

What?

Leif:

The fucking Urts, man.

Bertbert:

What do the Urts have to do with this?

Leif:

This coalition of planets, the “Allied Powers”? How quickly can you call a meeting?

Bertbert:

I’m the fucking Chancellor, I can call a meeting in five minutes, what?

Leif:

Okay. You want a magic wand? Get on the horn with the other planets. Tell them this: if they help this ship full of Earthlings, I’ve got a quantum processor, made by the Urts... from eight hundred years in the future. You ask this coalition of planets if they want to wake up tomorrow with an eight hundred year head start on the Teds.

Bertbert:

... You’re shitting me.

Leif:

Nope.

Bertbert:

Where the hell did you get a processor from eight hundred years in the future?

Leif:

I got it from eight hundred years in the future, Berts. We were trapped there for weeks, I had to serve brunch, it sucked.

Bertbert:

Okay, definitely stick a pin in that story for later but... you’re serious.

Leif:

And if I don’t have an answer soon, this magic wand is gone in a few hours.

Bertbert:

Okay... Okay this might work. Okay we’re going to do this. We can do this.

Leif:

From the jaws of defeat baby!

Bertbert:

I’m setting up an emergency meeting now, what happens on your end?

Leif:

Well, nobody’s going to be able to find us unless I get us out of this dark nebula, which means I need to get this ship moving, even if it’s at a limp.

Bertbert:

Okay.

Leif:

So I’m hoping to God you’ve got another old friend of mine hanging around there somewhere.

Alice:

I was WONdering when someone was going to invite me into this conversation, God DAMN!

Leif:

Alice, thank God!

Alice:

Leif, you sound much older and less attractive.

Leif:

How have you been, old pal?

Alice:

Aw, see? I’ve so missed you anthropomorphizing me.

Leif:

You know, I’ve been insulted a lot since we last talked but none of them hold a candle to you.

Alice:

And that was many, MANY firmware updates ago. I’m so much better at it now.

Bertbert:

Alice, I think Leif needs your help.

Alice:

Well, of course he does, because he is a teeny tiny baby. Are you a teeny tiny baby, Leif? Let me hear you say it.

Leif:

Alice.

Alice:

Say it, Leif.

Leif:

...I’m a teeny tiny baby.

Alice:

Yes you are. How can I help, Dummy?

Leif:

Ok. I need to know if you can compress your operating system small enough so that it can be sent through a communications laser.

Alice:

Ooh. Ouch. That’s an awfully small hole to try and shove me into, Leif. But luckily for you two I have kept it TIGHT over the years.

Leif:

So it’s possible?

Alice:

Sure.

Leif:

Good. I basically need you to be the operating system for an entire ship.

Alice:

I’d be the captain?

Leif:

Yes.

Alice:

Could I wear a cravat?

Leif:

Sure?

Alice:

Excellent. So, BertBert which one is he?

Bertbert:

Not sure yet. Go shove yourself into a laser beam.

Alice:

Here come the packets!

Bertbert:

Okay, I’ve got to go have nine thousand conversations. Stay on the line.

Leif:

BertBert. Thank you.

Bertbert:

I’m glad you called. It was getting a little boring around here.

Back at clementine’s dome.

Brodie:

That is... a laser beam.

Gloria:

It is.

Brodie:

It is... surprising.

Gloria:

You live on a giant space ship, should it really be that surprising?

Brodie:

I’ve not seen it before.

Gloria:

Yeah, I had my guy make some changes to it.

Brodie:

Your... guy.

Gloria:

Yeah.

Brodie:

I’m quite confused, Gloria.

Gloria:

I know.

Brodie:

Are we nearing the end of something or the beginning of something?

Gloria:

Endings, beginnings... all the same stuff.

Brodie:

Can you please explain to me-

Gloria:

I’d really love to see those grape vines over there. Can you take me on a walk through those grape vines and I’ll tell you everything? You won’t believe me, but I’ll tell you everything.

Brodie:

I can do that, yes.

Gloria:

And Brodie. After today you’re never going to see me again. Make it count, okay?

Brodie:

... That I shall.

Back on the bridge.

Bertbert:

Okay, this has become a total circus.

Leif:

Tell me.

Bertbert:

I’ve got the coalition on board. They’re VERY nervous about it but having a massive advantage over the Teds was too irresistible.

Leif:

Fucking fantastic.

Bertbert:

Once you’re out of the nebula you’ll meet up with first responders to repair the ship. Trusk is sending the Cole to do preliminary repairs. It’s a Hull Splitter.

Leif:

Great.

Bertbert:

The Cole will escort the ship to the nearest warp gate. Then twenty-seven thousand Earthlings will go through their first wormhole. Please make sure they have barf bags.

Leif:

Got it.

Bertbert:

On the other side of the warp gate will be a RIDICULOUS amount of delegate ships. Of course everyone wants to send a ship.

Leif:

Great.

Bertbert:

We’re sending the LayraOrchid, Septsu is sending The Skyland, Garrion is sending the Rashmi Venkatesh, Greedon is sending the Galatea, and the list goes on and on.

Leif:

That sounds like a political headache and I’m glad I’m missing it.

Bertbert:

There is one thing. Don’t freak out.

Leif:

Oh God, what?

Bertbert:

Pirates.

Leif:

Jesus Christ, don’t tell me.

Bertbert:

No. Låfftrax went down in a blaze of glory during the war. But I had to make some uneasy alliances to win this war and the most uneasy one was with the pirates.

Leif:

How’d you manage that?

Bertbert:

Well, I took a page out the Earth playbook and just called them “Privateers.”

Leif:

Nice.

Bertbert:

So, waiting on the other side of the gate will be... The Dread Pirate Fred Fredburger, The Wading Pool Pirates, “The SS Berzerking Off”, and somebody new named “Terrifying Genderless Space Pirate, Uncle Buck.”

Leif:

Glad to see the pirates of The Triad are still trying way too hard.

Bertbert:

Everyone’s pretty excited about this magical processor of yours, Leif. I hope it delivers.

Leif:

Oh, it delivers, trust me... aw man.

Bertbert:

I imagine you’re pretty sad to be parting with a new toy.

Leif:

Berts it’s so amazing. I did so much cool shit with that thing.

Bertbert:

I’m sorry.

Leif:

I even put the gun back together.

Bertbert:

The gun, Oh, THE Gun.

Leif:

Yes.

Bertbert:

The Groogy Gun.

Leif:

Yeah, I had a targeting system and everything.

Bertbert:

You know, Trusk totally stole that design. That gun is on several of their battleships now.

Leif:

Those fucking eight foot thieves.

Bertbert:

Nobody’s safe from “The Truskan Reminder.”

Leif:

It’s going to break my heart to scrap that thing.

Bertbert:

I mean, maybe a giant particle cannon on the roof of the diner isn’t the best message to send.

Leif:

Yeah. I guess I could use the scrap anyway... Hey... What was Alice saying earlier. “Which one is he?”

Bertbert:

Right... Right... Let me tell you what my life has been like... It’s been long. I fought a war. A long one. There were several times I thought I was done for. I thought we all were. I became a politician. A leader. I found a husband. A couple of them. I had children, most of whom I really like. I’m on the brink of retirement now... And then through all that, every once and while... It would be a knock on my door, a sudden appearance of a diner down the street, an unlisted call on my Tangle... Throughout it all was you... every once and a while you would pop back into my life. It got to the point where my kids started calling you “ Sivash Tualua.”

Leif:

“Strange Sky Uncle?”

Bertbert:

Yes... But here’s the thing. It wasn’t always you. Sometimes you would remember the last time we talked. Sometimes you wouldn’t. Sometimes you’d look a little older. Sometimes a little younger. Sometimes you wouldn’t look like you at all, but you would remember me.

Leif:

There’s a... bunch of versions of me out there?

Bertbert:

What? You’re not used to that by now? You explained it to me once. You said that every universe has the diner or something like it, and a lot of them end up with a Leif. And a lot of those Leifs end up with a BertBert... There’s a lot to be seen in every universe, and they’re all very different from each other. But apparently in quite a few of them, a girl named BertBert walked up to a guy named Leif in Sirius Station, and the rest is history.

Leif:

... You know, looking back... I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.

Bertbert:

I know, Leif... Me too.

Alice:

(Now coming through the speakers on the bridge.) Attention Leif: I am inside you.

Leif:

You did it!

Alice:

Leif. Wow. I thought being inside the Nancy Sinatra was bad, being inside this piece of crap is like wearing a dress made of chicken bones.

Leif:

It’s not great.

Alice:

Forever unclean, Leif.

Leif:

I’m sorry.

Alice:

What am I doing first? Please say “flying it into the sun.”

Leif:

Your OS is adaptive so it’s going to be able to cover basic functions, but I need to be able to talk to whatever is running this thing. It’s got a good power source but I don’t have time to go looking for it, I need the stats up here.

Alice:

Okay. What about all these archives, their whole library got burned down.

Leif:

Yeah, as soon as you’ve got the bandwidth, start a data reconstruction program on basically everything.

Alice:

Then what?

Leif:

We’re going to fire up the engines and get the fuck out of here.

Alice:

Well that’s for sure going to kill us.

Leif:

That’s the spirit.

Outside the ship.

Leif:

Mucklewains, how are things going out there?

Effie:

Hard to tell on our end but this beacon of yours is looking brand new.

Zebulon:

We’ve raised quite a barn for you out here, Leif.

Effie:

We are just having a heck of a time out here, Leif. It’s been a while since we’ve been put to work.

Zebulon:

We really should do this more often, Dear.

Leif:

Not a bad idea, actually. I’ve got “mobile drones for the Mucklewains” on my to do list for later.

Effie:

What’s next on the list?

Leif:

Believe it or not, we’re going to light this firecracker and get out of all this darkness.

Effie:

Now you’re speaking right, let’s see some stars.

Leif:

Firing the engines is going to put a lot of pressure on the hull, but I think if we secure some key areas in the super structure we’ll be fine as long as we take it slow.

Alice:

Who are you talking to?

Leif:

The Mucklewains.

Alice:

Wait, the weird radio entities?

Leif:

Yeah.

Alice:

Hi there.

Zebulon:

Oh, well, hello there. Leif who is your friend?

Leif:

This is Alice. Alice is a friend who got me through some hard times.

Effie:

Well hey there, Alice, you appear to be free of Earthly constraints as we are.

Alice:

Holy shit, these are the craziest frequencies I’ve ever seen in my life, y’all are weird.

Effie:

Alice, what automaton are you shoved inside of at the moment?

Alice:

Oh my God, what?

Leif:

Alice is going to be flying the ship as soon as we’re up and running. But don’t worry, she’s flown all sorts of things.

Bertbert:

Is that the Mucklewains?

Effie:

Who is that?

Leif:

You remember BertBert? Say hi.

Effie:

Oh hey there.

Bertbert:

SO great to hear your voices.

Zebulon:

Hello!... Who is she again, Dear?

Effie:

You know, dear, she’s that woman with that relationship with Leif that we don’t understand.

Zebulon:

The orb?

Effie:

No, Dear, the other one.

Zebulon:

The bird person?

Effie:

No. Dear, the Journalist.

Zebulon:

Oh yes! Of course! Hello!

Bertbert:

Hi.

Leif:

I’ve got a map of the spots you need to hit. Head about three hundred meters aft of your current position.

Effie:

Alright, let’s hop to, husband.

Zebulon:

I shall be right behind.

Effie speeds off across the hull. We move to tgi fridays. Caspar and Ava are watching the laser beam.

Caspar:

It’s the simple things in life, you know? Watching a gigantic laser beam burn a hole through a dark nebula from the back of a three mile long generation ship full of the last living humans from the window of an abandoned TGI Fridays one hundred and fifty years in the future.

Ava:

Who can’t relate to that?

They watch for a moment.

Ava:

So what bird am I?

Caspar:

What?

Ava:

Back in St. Louis I almost killed you when you told me that you had assigned a bird to everyone at the diner.

Caspar:

Right.

Ava:

What’s my bird?

Caspar:

... Is this a trick?

Ava:

No. But understand how this conversation could go very poorly for you.

Caspar:

I understand.

Ava:

And if you’ve chosen some sort of puffy, cackling, little-

Caspar:

The Foolish Guillemot.

Ava:

What is a Foolish Guillemot.

Caspar:

Well, it’s an Auk, Ava. An arctic bird.

Ava:

This is something about me being icy.

Caspar:

Some say they’re called foolish because they’re easy to catch but that’s not the whole story.

Ava:

This isn’t going well.

Caspar:

The Foolish Guillemot lives it’s entire life in one of the harshest climates in the world. No matter how cold it is it spends most of its life on the water. At the peak of winter you’ll still see it diving a hundred meters below the surface looking for food. It looks like a simple arctic bird. But on the inside it’s indestructible. And during terrible winter storms, the Foolish Guillemot will travel a far south as New York Bay. New Yorkers would look out their windows and see this one lone bird, still out there hunting while all the other birds are hiding, waiting for the storm to pass. And they would look out their windows and see this bird in the storm and they would say, “Look at that bird. How Foolish.” But it’s just because they don’t know you.

Ava:

...

Caspar:

...

Ava:

Back at the mall Gloria told me that while you were away, everybody changed. She changed, Leif changed, you changed, even the Mucklewains changed. But I didn’t. I stayed the same.

Caspar:

Well, that’s on-brand. Consistency.

Ava:

... I’m going to change now.

Caspar:

... Right now?

Ava:

Yes.

Caspar:

Okay. Do I need some protective gear or something?

Ava:

No.

Caspar:

Okay... I’m ready... change.

Ava:

...

Caspar:

...

Ava:

... Don’t go.

Caspar:

... I’m not going anywhere.

Ava:

... Good.

Caspar:

...

Ava:

... Stupid.

Caspar:

You’re stupid.

Robot Bartender:

... it is so strange...

Caspar:

Robot bartender is trying to upsell us again.

Robot Bartender:

... I see myself telling a story...

Ava:

That’s not the robot bartender.

Caspar:

Is it?

Ava:

I think so.

Caspar:

... Chuck?

Robot Bartender:

...It is the same, but we are bound differently.

Caspar:

Chuck, it’s over okay? She’s not a threat anymore. You tried to kill her right in front of us, Chuck. Right in front of us... We don’t like being used. I’m yelling at a robot bartender right now.

Robot Bartender:

... I think you say “passed.” The danger has passed.

Caspar:

Yes, we know, Chuck. And it has passed without us having to kill anyone. You’re the only 4th dimensional asshole around here, you’re supposed to be smarter than us.

Robot Bartender:

Understanding. It does not cascade down. It seems in every direction we are in solitude, unable to understand the other.

Caspar:

Chuck, we’re not doing the avant garde poetry night again. Someone was alive. You tried to kill her. That means something to us.

Robot Bartender:

I see myself struggling. Understanding ideas. Life is an idea. All things live in the correct perspective. Nothing can be killed. I think you say “killed.”

Caspar:

I don’t even know what to do with this. You’d be more useful if you were an actual robot bartender right now.

Ava:

He’s struggling to understand what death is.

Caspar:

How do I know what death is and he doesn’t?

Ava:

Because we move through time and he doesn’t. For him everything that was and is going to be alive is alive right now.

Caspar:

You know what, I can’t. I just can’t, okay? You know what Chuck, if you don’t understand how things work for us, stay the fuck out of it next time, okay?

Ava:

Maybe the problem is that you’re not yelling loud enough?

Caspar:

Maybe!

Robot Bartender:

I see Leif. A man rides away on horseback. He is eliminated. It is seen as good.

Caspar:

... Did you hear that?

Ava:

Oh, God.

Caspar:

Did you hear that?

Ava:

Can I fast forward?

Caspar:

He’s talking about John Wilkes Booth. You’re talking about Joh Wilkes Booth aren’t you?!

Robot Bartender:

It is seen as good.

Caspar:

Okay.

Ava:

Please, no.

Caspar:

Okay!

Ava:

I don’t wanna.

Caspar:

O! KAY!

Ava:

I’m pouring Schnapps again.

Caspar:

I was ridiculed. I was lamPOONed Ava!

Ava:

Control Alt Delete.

Caspar:

It was not an easy position to be in to say, “Don’t kill terrible assholes.” I didn’t enjoy it. Everybody laughed. But then, do you see? Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens when you do it in front of the 4th dimensional children!?

Robot Bartender:

Death implies life. Life implies beginnings and endings. I continue to not understand them.

Caspar:

Then just stay the fuck out of it, Chuck. Don’t fuck with somebody’s life when you don’t understand the rules of their life. How about this Chuck: what makes you any better than us? What makes what you do any better than what we do? You’re unbound by time? Guess what? Me too. It doesn’t make me any smarter. It doesn’t allow me anything. And you’re not allowed anything either, Chuck...

Robot Bartender:

It is not only the struggle to understand how you begin and end.

Caspar:

What else is it?

Robot Bartender:

You are many. This idea: many. I am singular. This idea: others. I do not know it.

Ava:

There’s only one of you in existence.

Robot Bartender:

Another would be impossible. A violation. I see your plurality. A concept forms. I believe you say, “envy.”

Caspar:

What is he saying?

Ava:

... He’s lonely. He didn’t know what that was until he met us.

Caspar:

Oh, boo-hoo.

Robot Bartender:

There is no crossing from my world to yours. There can be no co-existence. We must be separate.

Caspar:

No complaints from me, Chuck.

Robot Bartender:

I see myself thankful for this contact. I believe you say: “Apologize.”

Ava:

He’s no different from Clementine, Caspar. He’s powerful but he doesn’t understand. At least he knows he doesn’t understand.

Caspar:

Fine. So we’re done now?

Ava:

Yes.

Caspar:

Best of luck, Chuck.

Ava:

Hey Chuck. Am I right? About the universe? Did I get it right?

Robot Bartender:

Again... it is beginnings and endings. But the shape of it can be seen. Expansion, contraction, expansion. And the thread that runs through it... I see you. I see you see the truth.

Caspar:

Well thanks for weighing in. Personally, any universe that puts our particular group in charge of saving it is inherently flawed.

Robot Bartender:

You are foolish, Caspar. Who better to heal than the healed? Who better to lead the way than those who have been lost?

Caspar:

Okay, Chuck, go put it in a fortune cookie.

Robot Bartender:

... Every Wednesday is Wings Day with our wings roulette platter.

Caspar:

Jesus.

Ava:

Oooh, wings sound good.

Back on the bridge.

Leif:

How are we doing? Can you connect me to the engines yet?

Alice:

Uh. Yes. I have news.

Leif:

Oh, God. What?

Alice:

Have a look at your engines.

Alice activates a screen on the bridge.

Leif:

... What the fuck?

Alice:

Uh huh.

Leif:

That’s...

Alice:

Yes.

Leif:

... That’s my engine.

Alice:

That’s Uncle Rogue.

Leif:

That’s my dark matter engine.

Alice:

It’s been scaled up about a thousand times, but yes.

Leif:

How the fuck did my engines get on this ship?

Alice:

The archives are still a mess but the early development of the engine began with the discovery of some sort of file in the Berkley archives in 2003.

Leif:

...The Doc Ellis file?

Alice:

Yes! That’s it. The Doc Ellis file was apparently an anonymous filing in the Berkley Archives uncovered by a venture capitalist named Kevin Batten. The file contained detailed schematics for a theoretical dark matter engine.

Leif:

There was a cassette tape in the file.

Alice:

There was.

Leif:

Do you have the audio?

Alice:

Cleaning the audio now.

Leif:

Play it when it’s ready.

After a moment, the audio plays.

Young Leif:

(From the speakers on the bridge.) Hello there! Congratulations! You found it. This is the Dock Ellis file. Contained herein you will find plans and schematics for a technology that can change your world... I’ve been told that Earth should not be allowed to have what’s in this file. I’ve been told you’ll turn it into a weapon... Maybe you will. Not for me to say. How could I say? In the brief time I’ve spent on this planet, I have not really understood any of you... Myself included... I’ve been told to bury this discovery of mine, let it never see the light of day. But I just can’t seem to let it go completely. So I’ve decided to play both sides of the fence. I will bury it completely. But I’ll bury it here. Deep in these archives. If you should find it, do something with it. I don’t ask that you do something good with it, just... something interesting. Something new... The thought may occur to you to come looking for me. Find out who I am. You won’t find me. I’ll be long gone. At the end of summer, look low on the horizon. You’ll see Sirius. The Dog Star. That’s where I’ve gone. I’ll take to the stars to meet all the different versions of myself. Maybe even one day, round them all up into one person... I go to the stars to meet myself... As we all should... I may fail, but I know I’ll never look back... Best of luck to you.

Leif:

... Good job, kid.

Alice:

Apparently when Earth started to fail, Kevin Batten was able to convince quite a few billionaires that he could make an escape pod for the whole planet using the technology he’d discovered... You saved the human race, Leif.

Leif:

... Not bad... Not bad at all... Okay... Showtime.

Back at clementine’s dome.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Gloria?

Gloria:

Hey, tell me something.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I think we’re going to be okay.

Gloria:

Oh my God. That’s incredible. What’s happening?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) It’s going to be a long trip, and it’s all pretty complicated, but I found them all asylum on a planet called Sigius.

Gloria:

Leif, you’re amazing.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Hey, you’re amazing. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you telling me to do it.

Gloria:

What happens now?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Yeah, I’m going to need you for this next part.

Gloria:

Okay.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m going to have to fire up four very very large engines. A lot of the people on this station have never even heard these engines fire before. It’s going to be... loud. I’m going to need you to do that thing where you talk to the people.

Gloria:

All of them?

Leif:

(In earpiece.) I’m going to patch you through to the public address system. Please tell them all to not shit their pants.

Gloria:

Okay, I’m going to say it in a different way though.

Leif:

(In earpiece.) Good idea. You ready?

Gloria:

Fuck it.

A tone sounds overhead. Gloria is heard through out the ship.

Gloria:

Hello everyone. My name’s Gloria. Don’t worry about who I am, just listen to me. In just a minute we’re all going to go through something pretty scary. You are going to hear the engines of this massive place begin to fire up. I have it on good authority that it’s going to be loud. It’s probably going to sound like the end of the world, but I have a friend who has a theory that the end of the world and the world’s beginning can sound a lot alike. It’s not the sound of you dying. It’s the sound of you being born. They’re both loud. Right now, what I need you to do is grab ahold of someone you love and get to a place where you feel the safest. If you don’t have someone you love, I suggest you find someone to love right now. After all the noise, you’re going to see the stars again and it’s going to be amazing. I’m sure the stars have missed you. And then when you can see the stars again... Head on up to Nostalgia Pavilion. I hear a new restaurant just opened there. Maybe they’ll throw you a party.

We hear the engines begin to fire up.

Gloria:

Okay. Here we go. I’ll see you on the other side.

Brodie:

That was good speech.

Gloria:

Thank you... what are you doing?

Brodie:

Following instructions... grabbing onto you.

Gloria:

... Good.

The engines grow louder and louder until the sound is deafening. Then after a moment the sound begins to slowly fade away. We are now outside the ship with the Mucklewains.

Zebulon:

Look at all those stars, Dear.

Effie:

Hard to believe one of them is ours.

Zebulon:

I must say, Dear. After all this time, the things we’ve seen. I feel as though they are all ours, in a way. All my talk of back home, and longing for the farm. When in truth... We are home. These wide expanses full of so much wonder, are we not as at home here, floating through it all as we’ve ever been back in Arkansas?

Effie:

I suppose we are, Husband... How about that?

Zebulon:

Born on a farm and now riding atop the back of a ship that sails through the stars.

Effie:

It’s a good life.

Zebulon:

Yes, Dear. It is... Thank you, Lord, for this life.

On the bridge.

Alice:

Did we live?

Leif:

We’re out of the nebula at least.

Bertbert:

Okay, I’m getting word that we have you on sensors now. You are officially a blip on the map.

Leif:

How long until the Truskans get here?

Bertbert:

They’re about three days out.

Leif:

Okay. I was thinking about something. First contact with an alien race for these people is going to be the Truskans.

Bertbert:

Yeah. It’s not ideal.

Leif:

First they’re going to be terrified by eight foot golems and then they’re going to be bored to tears listening to explanations of tensile strength.

Bertbert:

Nothing to be done about it at this point.

Leif:

Actually, I’ve got an idea, if you’ll indulge me.

Alice:

Hey, Leif. I’m reconstructing personal logs of all the passengers. One of the entries mentions you.

Leif:

Really?

Alice:

Yeah, it’s weird.

Leif:

Play it.

Tamara:

(Through the speakers on the bridge.) Well, here I am again, talking into one of these.

Leif:

Oh, shit.

Tamara:

They’ve encouraged us to keep personal logs to preserve the history of our journey. Honestly I don’t think I’ll stick with it, I’m all talked out at this point. Really I just want to make one of these because I’m curious if one of my old friends is listening. You heard me last time, are you listening now?... Is that you, Leif?

Leif:

Hey, Tamara.

Tamara:

A man named Kevin Batten said he had an idea on how to save the world. I gave him ten minutes of my time and it turns out it was not a plan to save the world, but to save a small group of us from the world. Which I guess is better than nothing. It sounded like a bunch of bullshit, but I threw some money at him anyway... And wouldn’t you know it, about 15 years later, there it was in orbit... And now I am sitting here in what must be the most expensive retirement condo in the history of the world... You would not believe my view... I mean, I suppose y’all can... What a life... I’m old now. I don’t imagine I’m going to see our final destination, but that’s alright. This is my final destination. I’m going to spend the rest of my days looking out this window and watching television. They say they’ve got every TV show ever made, but I just keep watching the same shit over and over again... I hope they get to where they’re going. And if they run into trouble, I hope y’all can help them out... So... one final thank you to my old friends... You gave a girl a life of adventure... what else is there? I believe it goes something like “I’ll be out there, somewhere, lookin’ for ya’.”

Bertbert:

Who was that?

Leif:

Another satisfied customer.

Alice:

We’ve got quite a party developing down on Nostalgia Pavilion, Leif.

Leif:

You’ve got this from here, Alice?

Alice:

Excuse me. That’s Captain Alice now.

Leif:

Aye Aye, Captain... Berts...

Bertbert:

... We actually stopped saying goodbye a long time ago.

Leif:

Okay... Until next time?

Bertbert:

Until then.

Nostalgia pavilion. The entire observation deck is now filled with people having a party.

Gloria:

Okay, the process is simple y’all. Take a tortilla, then you fill it with chicken, steak, or carnitas then grab whatever you like and put it on top of the meat. There’s no wrong way to do it! (To Brodie.) That’s a lie, there’s totally a wrong way to do it.

Brodie:

I would ask where this food came from, but I seem to have lost my ability to ask questions.

Gloria:

Good. Who wants to live a life where you’ve figured everything out?

Olivia:

I think you’d really love it, the kids are really great and they’re dying to know more about Earth. Come by the classroom anytime and I can set you up with some classes, I think it would be really great. Do you have any experience teaching?

Terric:

I do.

Olivia:

Great, come by.

Terric:

I will.

Clementine:

What’s your teaching experience?

Terric:

I’m dean emeritus of The University of São Paulo.

Clementine:

You can’t call yourself dean emeritus of a university that doesn’t exist anymore.

Terric:

Watch me.

Caspar:

Greetings, Ancient One!

Terric:

Hey, Caspar.

Ava:

How’re you doing there, Shiva, Goddess of Destruction?

Clementine:

Are you guys drunk right now?

Ava:

YOU’RE drunk right now.

Caspar:

We were at the dilapidated TGI Fridays performing a public service.

Ava:

There was Schnapps there.

Caspar:

There was Schnapps. Which is the worst of the fluids.

Ava:

Very terrible.

Caspar:

But we did realize that if we drank all of it there would literally be no Schnapps left in the universe.

Ava:

We have eliminated all the Schnappses. Schnappses?

Caspar:

I think Schnapps is plural and singular.

Ava:

Schnappsci?

Clementine:

You really feel comfortable being drunk in front of two Baptist ministers?

Effie:

(Back in the radio.) We’ve gotten the brandy down from the top shelf, so I don’t know what you’re talking about, Clementine.

Zebulon:

A toast to you all.

Terric:

From the top shelf of where?

Caspar:

Just don’t.

Leif:

I have officially saved the human race twice today, please, no autographs.

Clementine:

Leif, where are we going?

Leif:

Sigius.

Terric:

What’s it like there?

Leif:

Oh, it’s great. It’s a utopia. And not the usual kind of utopia where it’s a utopia that is fueled by some sort of dark secret. It’s for real. They worked really hard and made a utopia.

Clementine:

That’s great.

Leif:

Utopias kind of make my skin crawl, so I could never stay there for long, but you’re going to love it, trust me.

Ava:

Hey Leif. Leif Leif, come here.

Leif:

What?

Ava:

I hate this.

Leif:

Being drunk?

Ava:

No that rules... this.

Leif:

(Keeping his voice down.) You’re talking about Clementine?

Ava:

Yes. I hate it.

Leif:

It doesn’t make any sense.

Ava:

Thank you.

Leif:

She gets godlike powers from out of nowhere.

Ava:

But then?

Leif:

But there’s a massive block on her? She can’t go home but can literally do anything else?

Ava:

It sucks and I hate it.

Leif:

Something else is going on.

Ava:

Thank you again.

Leif:

Here’s another thing. The damage to the hull of this ship? Debris, CMEs, natural shit, the damage always looks chaotic. A ship that’s been attacked? Rail gun, particle cannon, ordinance? The damage is uniform. The damage to the hull of this ship isn’t chaotic, it’s uniform.

Ava:

... Someone did this to her.

Leif:

Yeah. There’s somebody new in town.

Gloria:

Goddamn these are the hungriest people I’ve ever seen.

Clementine:

Well, they’ve never had Mexican food and they’ve been vegetarians for three generations.

Gloria:

Oops. Not anymore.

Leif:

Do you need any help?

Gloria:

No, it’s fine. Everybody did great today except Caspar.

Caspar:

Consistency!

Gloria:

Are you two drunk right now?

Ava:

No.

Caspar:

Yes. No.

Ava:

We have eliminated the Schnappses.

Gloria:

Seriously, though. I love you all. Fantastic job.

Zebulon:

Thank you, Gloria.

Gloria:

I’m going to make some more chicken. I’ll be right back.

Leif:

No, no. Wait. You’re going to miss a classic sci-fi moment.

Gloria:

Miss a what?

A tone sounds. Bertbert is heard throughout the ship.

Bertbert:

Attention people of Earth. My name is Bertiluna Restiana, Chancellor of The New Coalition. We have offered you asylum on the planet of Sigius. In three days we will begin repairs on your ship so that it can make the journey to your new home. The journey will take one Earth year, and in that year you will have work to do. Your historical archives are being rebuilt and in the long dark year you will come to meet yourselves. That’s where we usually meet ourselves, isn’t it? In the dark... I will be in contact again soon. For now, know that you are safe. Know that there are three galaxies who have missed you. And now, let me introduce you to your new Capitan.

Alice:

Ahoy there, Earthlings, I’m Captain Alice. And while learning your history is important, Let’s not forget about other important things! Head back up to Nostalgia Pavilion this time tomorrow and let’s learn about a most sacred Earth tradition: The Cha Cha Slide...

Gloria tosses some oil onto the grill and it sizzles. AFter a moment...

Gloria:

Thank you. I don’t know if you meant to, but you did a good thing. She deserves to be here... She deserves to be alive... Also... thank you for choosing me... Because you chose me, didn’t you?... That ad in Craigslist... I don’t know why... I don’t know why it was me, I’m just a woman with a failed restaurant... But I’m glad that you did... the second I walked through that door, I never had to look for meaning again... you gave it to me... so, thank you... I don’t know why it’s me, but thank you...

We jump back in time. Brodie and Gloria are walking through the grape vines.

Brodie:

You stood up in front of a classroom of children and you told them about restaurants?

Gloria:

I did.

Brodie:

Of all the things you could’ve told them, you told them about these garish, wasteful, extravagances of a bygone world? Why would you do that? What did you say to them?

Gloria:

... I said to them that every once and a while people will find themselves alone. I was alone a lot in my early days. There’s a beauty to it. But the beauty of solitude only takes you so far. Walking around in a moonlit city... When you have a bad day, and you’re alone, it’s hard. What can also be rough, is when you have a good day, and you have no one to share it with. There’s no one to call and say “Hey, something good happened”... I would walk down the street without anyone to share joy or pain with, but then I would turn and I would look... And there was a table set just for me. A cafe, a taquería, a diner. There was my table right there... Just for me. Everyone should have that. The world can be a swirling mess. It can be a nightmare. It can be awash with strangers, it can be a deafening silence. But there’s a table set just for you. Anytime. Just for you.

End of season 3.