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Midnight Burger
Chapter 31: Welcome to the Horizon.
we hear the sound of the forest. We are back at the horizon motel. Clementine appears in the parking lot.
Clementine:
Frank?
A car drives into the parking lot and parks. Peter and Stephanie get out of the car mid-ARGUMENT.
Peter:
I will not, not in a million years, understand your obsession with starting over.
Stephanie:
I’m not obsessed, that’s completely unfair.
Peter:
No matter what we talk about, no matter what problem we’re having, you always bring it back around to “getting out of this town and starting over.”
Stephanie:
We should get out of this town and start over.
Peter:
But that’s not the solution to everything.
Stephanie:
I never said it was the solution to everything.
Peter:
The kitchen sink backed up and your solution was to get out of town and start over again.
Stephanie:
I wasn’t presenting it as a solution to the sink.
Peter:
Of course you weren’t. But you never hesitate to bring it up do you?
Stephanie:
No, Peter, honestly I don’t. Do you know why? Because we should get out of town and start over again.
Peter:
Our lives are here, our kids go to school here, my sister is here, her kids are here.
Stephanie:
That doesn’t mean we have to stay here.
Peter:
I realize you don’t understand the importance of family because yours was so dysfunctional-
Stephanie:
Whoa!
Peter:
-But it’s important. And it’s important in way that nobody anticipates.
Stephanie:
You’re seriously going to stand there and accuse me of not knowing the importance of family after giving birth to not one, but TWO of your children?
Peter:
That’s not what I’m saying-
Stephanie:
It sounds like that’s what you’re saying.
Peter:
Don’t put words in my mouth.
Stephanie:
I don’t need to put words in your mouth. “You don’t understand the importance of family,” that’s what you said.
Peter:
Stephanie, it’s not just our kids. It’s everyone. My sister, her kids, this town, we rely on these people and they rely on us.
Stephanie:
We don’t rely on these people.
Peter:
Of course we do.
Stephanie:
At least once a day someone from this town comes to you with a problem for you to clean up. Who said that was your job? There’s a reason this town doesn’t have a mayor, Peter. It doesn’t need one.
Peter:
Fine, fine. Let’s hear it. Let’s hear your solution, then.
Stephanie:
What are you talking about?
Peter:
Where are we moving to?
Stephanie:
Peter-
Peter:
No, no, we’re going to sell the motel and then pack up the covered wagon, right? I’m sure you have this all figured out because you can’t stop bringing it up, so what’s the plan?
Stephanie:
We’re supposed to come up with the plan together.
Peter:
Propose something to me. Anything. Pick a city in the Northern Hemisphere. Let’s go.
Stephanie:
I can’t just pick a city-
Peter:
No you can’t. Do you know why? Because this escape plan of yours, starting over in a new town, it completely falls apart when we’re confronted with a little thing called reality.... What would we do there? Could the kids walk to school like they do now? Are there even schools nearby? Can we afford to live there? Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Stephanie:
There are answers to all of those questions.
Peter:
There are answers to all of those questions. I guarantee you this escape plan of yours will collapse in on itself as soon as you get an answer you don’t like... You’re in favor of leaving so long as there are no complications and everything goes our way. When, in the history of the world, has that ever happened?
Stephanie:
... What room are we arguing in?
Peter:
Seven.
Stephanie:
... Let’s go.
Peter and stephanie walk into room seven and close the door.
Clementine:
Sheesh. Frank?
Clementine walks into the office.
Clementine:
Hey, Frank.
Frank:
Clementine.
Clementine:
... How are you?
Frank:
... Just great.
Clementine:
... Okay... There was kind of a crazy scene out there. I think a couple checked in to try and work out their marital problems, do you know them?
Frank:
I do.
Clementine:
... Who are they?
Frank:
That’s Peter and Stephanie Sturgis. My mother and father.
Clementine:
... Your mother and father?
Frank:
Yes.
Clementine:
Frank... Frank didn’t you tell me that your father passed away?
Frank:
... Yes.
Clementine:
Well what... Frank, what’s going on?
Frank:
My parents were very protective. They were very concerned about fighting in front of us. They thought it would be traumatic. So they had this habit... When they needed to have a fight they would get a sitter and then stay here. They would fight all night long and then come back the next day like nothing had happened... I got wise to it when I was twelve... I always wondered what they were fighting about...
Clementine:
That’s... that’s them in that car?
Frank:
What car?
Clementine:
What do you mean what... The car is gone.
Frank:
Just wait.
Outside we hear the same car approach again. We hear Peter and Stephanie get out of the car and repeat the same argument they just had.
Clementine:
... Oh God... How long has this been happening?
Frank:
It started this morning.
June:
(In the bathroom.) Who is that?
Frank:
It’s Clementine.
June:
... What is she doing here?
Frank:
I don’t know. Clementine what are you doing here?
Clementine:
I was just...
Frank:
You know, June has a theory.
Clementine:
What?
Frank:
June, you have a theory?
June:
... You did this, Clementine.
Frank:
As you can imagine, we’re starting to go a little crazy around here.
June:
I’m not crazy, you’re crazy.
Frank:
There was... when we first met you, when you were lying in the parking lot and we took you to the hospital, June and I waited for a while. There was this weird thing that happened. One of the nurses kept calling for Nr. Nate. She did it over and over again. June now thinks that it was-
June:
It was a time loop!
Frank:
She thinks it was a time loop. Which she got from a Star Trek episode.
June:
So what if it’s a Star Trek episode!? Tell her about the car.
Frank:
And there was a car that kept driving by the motel, over and over again, she thinks that was another one. And now...
June:
And now there’s a literal Outer Limits episode happening in our parking lot!
Frank:
And she says it’s because of you.
June:
It all started when you showed up, Clementine.
Frank:
We’ve gone through several stages with this today. Shock, horror, disbelief... Here at the end of the day I think we’ve drifted now into resignation? I think we’re just waiting for it to stop so we can start pretending it never happened.
June:
Why doesn’t she make it stop? She’s the one who made it happen?!
Frank:
June, come out of the bathroom.
June:
No way! Not with her out there!
Frank:
This isn’t her fault, June, You’re being ridiculous.
June:
YOU’RE being ridiculous.
Frank:
You can’t just blame someone because they’re new in town.
June:
You know I’m right, Frank!
Frank:
Nobody knows anything about anything, my dead father is arguing in the parking lot, June!
Clementine:
She’s right.
Frank:
...
Clementine:
... She’s right, Frank.
June:
I am?
Bathroom door opens.
Clementine:
It’s me... I did it.
Frank:
Clementine, you’re a strange person but this is-
Clementine:
A bar of gold, Frank? I just had that on me? I brought beer from Tokyo and didn’t know it was in Japan. I disappeared from the hospital. How did I disappear from the hospital?
Frank:
And these are all strange things but-
Clementine:
Fine, here’s another bar of gold.
Clementine suddenly has a bar of gold in her hand. She tosses it onto the front desk.
Clementine:
Is that not good enough? You want another one?
Another gold bar lands on the desk.
Frank:
...
Clementine:
Still not convinced? I can make my favorite song play out of thin air, how about that?
We hear stella splendens faintly playing from nowhere.
June:
Where is that coming from?
Clementine:
I can do anything I want... Anything I want except for the thing I want to do... It’s terrible.
Frank:
Clementine, look, you may think-
Clementine:
Jesus Christ, do you still not believe me? Fine, there’s a chicken in the bathroom now.
A chicken suddenly clucks from the bathroom.
June:
Oh fuck! Shit, there’s a fucking chicken in here... there’s-
Clementine:
How is that? Is that good enough?... I think I broke Frank.
June:
Is this a living chicken, we just have a chicken now?
Clementine:
Yes. Enjoy... Okay, I’m going to go outside and I’m going to put things right again. And then I’m going to go before I break something else... Or break everything...
June:
What are you going to do?
Frank:
Wait-
Clementine walks outside just as the car is pulling up again.
Clementine:
I really am sorry, you two. (To herself.) Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
Two more of the exact same car pull into the parking lot. Peter and stephanie get out of those cars as well and begin to have the exact same argument they’ve been having. We are now hearing the exact same argument from them overlapped three times.
Clementine:
Oh my God.
June:
What the hell?!
Frank:
Clementine this doesn’t look like “fixing things”.
Clementine:
That’s not supposed to happen.
Frank:
None of this is supposed to happen!
Clementine:
I don’t understand.
June:
There’s three of my aunt and uncle now. There’s not supposed to be any of them.
Clementine:
Okay wait, wait just wait... Let me try again... Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
Three more identical cars pull into the parking lot, Peter and Stephanie emerge from those cars as well. We are now hearing the same conversation six times.
Clementine:
No... no no no.
Frank:
What the fuck?
Clementine:
This isn’t supposed to happen.
June:
What isn’t supposed to happen? What exactly is happening?
Clementine:
I don’t know... I don’t know what’s happening... I can’t control it.
Frank:
Clementine, tell me what you’re doing!
Clementine:
I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t understand any of this, it’s gotten out of my control... I need to get help.
Frank:
What?
June:
From where?
Clementine:
I... I’m going to go. I’m going to go get help. Frank, listen... I’m so sorry... I thought I could control it... I thought I was in control... I’ll be back, I promise.
Clementine vanishes.
June:
What.
Frank:
Oh Jesus.
June:
What.
Frank:
She just vanished.
June:
What.
Frank:
Where the hell did she go?... What’s that sound?
June:
What.
There is a crack in the air and midnight burger suddenly appears in the parking lot.
June:
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?
Frank:
The fuck is that?
Caspar:
Hey there, folks, you must be Frank and June. Strange times, am I right? Give us just one second we’ll be right with you.
Terric:
That was different.
Gloria:
What the fuck is happening here?
Ava:
Whoa.
Leif:
(On the roof.) No such thing as a time loop, huh?
Gloria:
Leif, where are we?
Leif:
New timeline, this isn’t Clementine’s.
Gloria:
Ava?
Ava:
I’m thinking.
Gloria:
Effie?
Effie:
Gloria, even if I had feelings about what I’m seeing I wouldn’t know what to say.
Zebulon:
They all appear to be the same person.
Gloria:
Yes, I can see that, Zeb.
Zebulon:
How are we to know which ones are the real ones?
Ava:
I think they’re all the real ones, that’s the problem.
Zebulon:
I miss the farm.
Ava:
Clementine, tell me exactly what happened.
Clementine:
There was one car, it kept showing up. That’s Frank’s mother and father in the car. His father passed away, this is a scene from their past.
Ava:
And then how did it become six cars?
Clementine:
I tried to fix it, it usually works when I try to fix things.
Ava:
How did you try to fix it?
Clementine:
There’s this thing I say. I say it when I need to focus.
Ava:
What is it?
Clementine:
“Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.”
Ava:
Borges?
Clementine:
What?
Ava:
Jorge Borges. He’s a writer, you were reciting Borges?
Clementine:
I don’t know who that is. It’s something my mother taught me to recite when I was panicking. It seemed to work when I needed to focus on something.
Ava:
Well, guess what, it’s not working.
Frank:
What is happening?
Caspar:
Okay. It’s a lot. Sure. Don’t panic. First of all, let me say that I really love your motel. Very mid-century modern, very Lost Highway.
Frank:
What is happening?!
Caspar:
Okay, let’s just first-paragraph-of-wikipedia this, shall we? We’re Midnight Burger, a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner. We’ve been trying to hunt down a mysterious red-headed woman who has been fucking up the cosmos. Sound familiar?
June:
Clementine?
Caspar:
Yes. Turns out, when she was taking a break from destroying all of existence she liked to hang out here. I mean, why wouldn’t she? It’s lovely. Where are we, Washington?
June:
Oregon.
Caspar:
Great. So, the problem is, Clementine eventually destabilizes everything around her, including this place.
Frank:
Destabilizes how?
Caspar:
Well, you know how things have a tendency to... exist?
June:
We’re aware.
Caspar:
She tends to make them stop doing that.
June:
You guys are going to stop that though, right?
Caspar:
Yes.
Frank:
How is a diner going to stop that?
Caspar:
Well, we don’t know yet, BUT we’ve got two very smart people, a 700 year old man, two baptist ministers and a very competent restaurant manager so the answer’s got to be in there somewhere, right?
June:
What do you do?
Caspar:
You know, I used to work at the DMV and now I’m trying to figure it all out, it’s a process.
Gloria:
Hi there.
Caspar:
Hey, this is Gloria, she’s runs the place.
Gloria:
Nice to meet you. Welcome to the weirdest day of your life.
June:
I mean, I hope it is.
Gloria:
It’s a lot. Sure. But I think you’ll find that your capacity for weird shit is way higher than you think it is.
Frank:
What... what happens now?
Gloria:
Well, we’ve got about a half dozen temporal anomalies don’t we? Who are the two people in these cars?
Frank:
It’s... it’s my mom and dad.
Gloria:
And is this them in the present?
Frank:
No. My dad passed away. My mom lives in New Mexico now.
Gloria:
Okay, so they definitely shouldn’t be here and there definitely shouldn’t be six pairs of them, right?
Frank:
Correct.
Terric:
Clementine.
Clementine:
You’ve got to stay away from me... How are you even here?
Terric:
It’s a long story.
Clementine:
What did I do to you... did I... did I make you American?
Terric:
Clementine, no, I’ve-
Clementine:
It’s the pillars of salt all over again. You’ve got to stay away from me.
Terric:
Wait, listen-
Clementine:
I can’t, Terric, please.
Clementine runs off.
Ava:
Okay. Let’s not make this too complicated. If we get all the Moms and Dads inside the diner, that should solve the problem, as long as we can keep them in there long enough.
Gloria:
It seems like they can’t even see us, though.
Ava:
We’ve got to make them see us. Also, the hard part is, we can’t just drag them in here, we’ve got to convince them to go into the diner.
Gloria:
Why?
Ava:
Just trust me.
Gloria:
Fine. So, mom and dad had some martial problems?
Frank:
Uh, I mean, they never split up but they did fight a lot.
June:
My mom said she never understood their relationship.
Frank:
She did?
June:
Yeah. Did you?
Frank:
No, I guess not.
Gloria:
Okay. We’ve got six rooms. Everybody take a room and try to convince them to have a cup of coffee at the diner that just appeared in the parking lot.
Leif:
Gloria, are you seriously asking this particular group of people to help them work out their marital problems?
Gloria:
Yes.
Leif:
Show of hands, who here feels comfortable being a marriage counselor?
Gloria:
...
Ava:
...
Caspar:
...
Zebulon:
Well, both of our hands are up.
Gloria:
Leif, we’re never the right people for any situation we’re in, we’re just the only ones around.
Leif:
Fair point.
Ava:
I’m going to hate this.
Gloria:
Everybody pick a room. Let’s go.
Terric:
Gloria, I’ll take a room.
Gloria:
You should probably talk to Clementine.
Terric:
She ran off somewhere. I think maybe we should fix whatever problem this is first.
Gloria:
Are you sure, it could get pretty weird in there.
Terric:
Because of the temporal anomalies?
Gloria:
Because you have to help someone with their marriage.
Terric:
I have a degree in Psychology.
Gloria:
You do?
Terric:
I’m a seven hundred year old scholar, Gloria, I’ve got a degree in pretty much everything.
Gloria:
Really?
Terric:
University of Copenhagen, 1932.
Gloria:
1932?
Terric:
It’s been a while, but I’m sure it’ll come back to me.
Gloria:
Okay, uh, lobotomies are bad now.
Terric:
Great, I’m updated.
Gloria:
Get in there.
Caspar:
Hey. I’m about to go help someone with their marriage.
Gloria:
I know.
Caspar:
Which should be the beginning of a joke.
Gloria:
Yes.
Caspar:
But instead it’s a real thing that’s happening.
Gloria:
Caspar, I’m about to get in there as well and the word marriage makes me literally start packing a suitcase for no reason.
Caspar:
This is going to be ridiculous.
Ava:
I’m taking room seven, come do this with me.
Caspar:
What?
Ava:
Terric’s going to help so we can double up.
Caspar:
I’m not going to help your success rate in there.
Ava:
I know but when it goes wrong I can blame you.
Caspar:
Okay.
Gloria:
Frank, June, you can probably be a lot of help here because you actually knew them. I know you think you’re going crazy but we really need you to pick a room and try and make something happen.
Frank:
Uh...
June:
Uncle Pete died not too long ago now, it’s... it’s a lot.
Gloria:
Jesus. Right, um... Well, here’s something that I’ve learned in this completely nuts situation that I’m in... It’s all happening. It’s all happening right now. The past, the future, they’re all just pages in a book. But the whole book is right in front of you. There’s an opportunity here. Because you’ve read the book. Which means you can go back to the beginning and see the story in a completely different way. You get to talk to the past from the future. Maybe since you know the end, you have something to say about the beginning.
June:
... You’re a restaurant manager?
Gloria:
I prefer Taquera, but that’s fine.
Frank:
What if none of this works? Are we going to be stuck like this forever?
Gloria:
I’ve never seen anything last forever. But how about we don’t think about failure right now?
Frank:
Okay.
June:
Which room are we taking?
Frank:
Let’s go with number one, I guess.
Room 9. Terric is in session.
Peter:
This is ridiculous. We’re just going around in circles again.
Terric:
I hear you, Peter, let’s try and start again. Stephanie, you mentioned wanting to move to a new town, and Peter, you have strong ties to this community. Can you both share your perspectives?
Stephanie:
I've been feeling the need for a fresh start. This is a small town. A VERY small town, I can walk across the entire town in an afternoon.
Peter:
That’s not true, the town is much bigger than that-
Terric:
Peter, please, you’ll have your turn, let’s hear from Stephanie right now.
Stephanie:
We’re trying to raise kids. Kids need to be exposed to things. There’s only so many things they can be exposed to in a town that only exists because of an onslaught of skiers every winter.
Terric:
Peter, can you understand her position?
Peter:
Exposing them to things cuts both ways. There’s a lot going on in bigger cities, maybe things we don’t want to expose them to.
Stephanie:
This is what he does, every time we talk about this he imagines we’re moving to some urban hellscape that he saw in a movie one time.
Peter:
We saw Death Wish in the the theater and it was very disturbing.
Stephanie:
It wasn’t a documentary, Peter.
Terric:
Peter, you seem to have deep roots in this community, can you tell me what these roots mean to you?
Peter:
I grew up here, my parents still live here, and I've built strong relationships here. It feels like home, and leaving it behind feels like abandoning a part of myself.
Terric:
And Stephanie, I’m sure you can understand that.
Stephanie:
Sorry, his parents living here is not the selling point he thinks it is.
Peter:
She just doesn’t understand that because she doesn’t get along with her parents.
Stephanie:
Or your parents, but who’s counting?
Terric:
Okay, we’re not going to get anywhere by disqualifying each other’s feelings.
Stephanie:
You’re right, I’m sorry.
Terric:
This is good, though. I feel like we’re moving in the right direction. Now we need to try and look for some common ground, okay?
Stephanie:
(Coming from the neighboring room.)Oh Jesus Christ you’re as rigid as a fucking cadaver!!
Stephanie:
Yikes. Glad we’re not those two.
Peter:
I don’t know who they are but they sound like a mess.
Room seven. Caspar and ava. It’s a mess. Caspar and Ava listen outside the door.
Peter:
Oh really? A cadaver? Well that’s a new one!
Stephanie:
There’s no room to breathe with you!
Peter:
I’m sorry, which one of us isn’t breathing, I thought I was the cadaver.
Caspar:
That was a good one.
Stephanie:
Everything, EVERYTHING Has to be a certain way. From the laundry to the lives of our kids.
Peter:
Well I’m sorry that I don’t want to spend our lives like its unstructured “me time” at some sort of Dutch primary school!
Ava:
What?
Stephanie:
What does that even mean?!
Peter:
I’ve done everything I can to make us a life here! Nothing makes you happy!
Stephanie:
Who could be happy here, Peter? Who in their right mind?
Peter:
I’m happy here.
Stephanie:
Exactly.
Ava:
Ooh, got him.
Caspar:
Nice.
Peter:
So we’ve raised our children in a town that you think is full of idiots.
Stephanie:
Yes. It’s perfect for them because they’re idiots too.
Ava:
Heh. Kids are dumb.
Caspar:
Did my moms talk about me this way?
Ava:
I sure hope so.
Caspar:
How come they’re not noticing each other or noticing a huge diner in the parking lot?
Ava:
The mind does some pretty crazy things to keep operating. I imagine they’re tuning out a lot right now.
Caspar:
They should tune each other out, they sound like they’re about to kill each other.
Ava:
Let’s get in there.
Caspar:
Okay.
They open the door.
Caspar:
Hey there!
Peter:
Excuse me, can I help you?
Caspar:
Sorry, we were next door.
Ava:
We were next door and we couldn’t help but hear the shouting.
Caspar:
Yeah, everything okay over here?
Stephanie:
Does it sound like it’s okay?
Ava:
It sounds hilarious.
Caspar:
It sounds like you’re having some trouble.
Peter:
We’re fine, alright? We just need some privacy.
Caspar:
Hey, when I’m having troubles sometimes I like to have a cup of coffee.
Stephanie:
A what?
Caspar:
A nice cup of coffee. Nothing makes a wrong situation right like a cup of coffee, you know what I mean?
Ava:
Are you doing a Sanka ad?
Caspar:
Maybe you should head over to that diner there and have a cup of coffee?
Peter:
Diner?
Stephanie:
You’re wasting your time, this man has no vices. He’s like a Mormon without the magic underwear.
Peter:
Do you see what I have to put up with?
Caspar:
Look, it looks like a lot.
Ava:
Getting obliterated by your wife is a full time job.
Caspar:
But every marriage has it’s challenges right?
Ava:
Think how challenging it is for her to come up with sick burns all the time.
Caspar:
What I’m saying is... look, you obviously care about each other very much and it’s confusing because she-
Ava:
Is hilarious.
Caspar:
-Has an odd way of showing affection. I mean, you both do, you’re both attacking each other-
Ava:
She’s just better at it, and I’m sure that’s rough for you.
Caspar:
Are we helping or are you having a little comedy festival over there?
Ava:
Both?
Peter:
It’s difficult when this happens. I feel like I’m trying to talk about the issue and she’s just trying to win some sort of contest.
Caspar:
Well I don’t know if that’s entirely fair, Pete, but I hear what you’re saying. I mean, it’s tough. You obviously care about her very much but also she appears to covered in tiny poisonous barbs.
Stephanie:
Excuse me?
Caspar:
Speaking metaphorically. Metaphorical poisonous barbs.
Stephanie:
That’s not much better.
Caspar:
And you get it. Right? Some people cover themselves with a spiky personality to keep the shitheads away but the spikes do not retract, that’s not how tiny poisonous barbs work. They’re always there, which puts you in the position to just keep getting stung, and develop an immunity to the poison spikes.
Stephanie:
Can we get away from the poison spikes analogy?
Caspar:
Because you know you can’t help yourself. You can’t help but reach out to her, you feel compelled to, call that whatever you like. You come to get used to the fact that getting close to her involves a certain amount of injury to yourself.
Ava:
And Stephanie, you’re over there saying “Really? Him? This is the guy?” Because you had already imagined the guy who would keep coming back, and you imagined he would be, I don’t know, better? You’ve created this person in your mind and they’re this great combination of the genius of Marie Curie and the unbridled hotness of Michael Faraday.
Stephanie:
What?
Peter:
Who?
Ava:
But he does keeps coming back... And you admire that a little and then you also hate him because you admire it. And then there’s this other terrible moment where you realize that it’s nice to be wanted. And you also hate THAT. Which makes you even more mad. And it’s made even worse by the fact that he SUCKS. And he has fucked up so many times, especially that one time, you know the time I’m talking about.
Stephanie:
I don’t.
Caspar:
And you’ve apologized, Pete. You really have, you’ve tried to make up for that one time when you fucked up really bad but, y’know, that doesn’t matter because apologizing doesn’t mean that your apology has been accepted. It doesn’t mean that she’s under any obligation to accept your apology, all you can really do is apologize and hope for the best, and try to do better right? That’s how you feel.
Peter:
I’m not sure-
Ava:
You spend a lot of time studying the universe, Stephanie.
Stephanie:
I don’t.
Ava:
And in your studies you’ve come to terms with chaos. You can’t control what the universe brings you. You’re an island. All you have at your disposal are the trees and tiny creatures that live on your island, and whatever the ocean washes up on your shore. What washes up on the shore is mostly garbage, but sometimes it’s useful and sometimes it’s something you didn’t know you needed.
Stephanie:
And I’m not sure if I need this.
Peter:
Are you sure you’re talking about us?
Caspar:
We’re absolutely talking about you.
Ava:
Definitely.
Peter:
Okay.
Stephanie:
Uh...
Peter:
You said there was coffee across the way?
Caspar:
Yes! Go have some.
Ava:
It’s great coffee.
Stephanie:
Maybe they’ll be gone when we get back?
Peter:
Good idea.
Stephanie:
Okay, well, nice to meet you.
Caspar:
You too!
Peter and stephanie walk out.
Caspar:
I feel like we nailed it.
Ava:
God, it must be so hard to be disconnected from reality like that.
Caspar:
Tell me about it, it looks terrible.
Room 3. Leif takes a swing at it.
Peter:
I have tried everything at this point.
Stephanie:
Yes. Everything except one thing. Are you giving up yet?
Peter:
I don’t appreciate how callus you’re being about this.
Stephanie:
I’m at my whit’s end, Pete.
There’s a knock on the door.
Peter:
What is this now?
Door opens.
Peter:
Yes?
Leif:
Hey there.
Peter:
Can I help you?
Leif:
Sorry to disturb you. I’m uh... I’m with the motel staff and we’ve been getting some complaints about the noise.
Peter:
You’re with the motel staff.
Leif:
Yes.
Peter:
I’m the owner of this motel.
Leif:
I’m sorry?
Peter:
I own this place.
Leif:
You do?
Peter:
Yes.
Leif:
Huh. Okay, well I just started, the manager must not have told you.
Peter:
I am also the manager of this motel.
Leif:
Huh.
Stephanie:
What is happening?
Leif:
Look, I was next door and I was hearing a lot of yelling and I thought I would say something before somebody complained.
Peter:
Complained?
Leif:
Yeah.
Peter:
Complained to who?
Leif:
The... manager.
Peter:
Which is who again?
Leif:
... You.
Peter:
I’m trying to have a conversation with my wife.
Leif:
Okay, well, manager or not, that’s not a conversation, that’s a shouting match.
Peter:
Honey, the conversation police are here.
Stephanie:
I’ll hide the contraband.
Leif:
I’m not trying to be the cops, I’m just trying to be a neighbor.
Peter:
Well, howdy, neighbor. How about I head over to your room and tell you how you should be living your life?
Leif:
C’mon man, I’m just letting you know what it sounds like from my perspective.
Peter:
Thanks for letting us know.
Stephanie:
The opinion of some random guy next door really means a lot to us.
Leif:
For fuck’s sake.
Peter:
Are you going door to door?
Stephanie:
How do we rank compared to the other rooms?
Leif:
You’d be surprised how similar it is.
Stephanie:
Okay, well thanks for stopping by, this was fun.
Peter:
Closing the door now.
Leif:
Wait a minute, hey, do you guys want to go grab a cup of coffee?
Stephanie:
Do we what?
Peter:
A cup of coffee?
Stephanie:
Who are you?
Leif:
I’m Leif, I’m you’re neighbor, I’m trying to be neighborly!
Stephanie:
Did we just move into a 1950s housing project? Are you going to bring us a casserole?
Leif:
Jesus Christ, this sucks.
Peter:
It does suck, maybe consider that next time you decide to knock on a stranger’s door and elbow your way into their life.
Stephanie:
Nobody’s named Leif anymore. Were you parents Scandinavian cheese makers?
Leif:
This is your last chance, do you want a cup of coffee?
Peter:
Uh oh. Honey, it’s our last chance for a cup of coffee.
Stephanie:
Forever? There’s no more coffee after this?
Peter:
Apparently.
Leif:
Okay. Fine. You both suck. Could you hold this for me, please?
Peter:
What is it?
We hear the sound of a violent electric shock and the music for a night time radio talk show fades in.
Effie:
Welcome back to “Not Too Late”, I’m Dr. Barbara. Frank it is SUMmertime out there.
Zebulon:
It’s really heating up.
Effie:
Do you have any tips for beating the heat? What’s your secret weapon?
Zebulon:
You know, this time of year I like to make sun tea.
Effie:
Ooh, that sounds nice.
Zebulon:
I make a nice pitcher of sun tea all morning and then it keeps us all nice and cool for the rest of the day.
Effie:
I love it Frank, I love it so much.
Zebulon:
How about you?
Effie:
Well you know, I don’t do air-conditioning.
Zebulon:
That’s right, because of your pores.
Effie:
Because of what it does to my pores. So what I like to do is, early in the morning, after I do my Ashtanga vinyasa, I open up all the doors and windows in the house and I let that morning air in, I release all that stale air that I’ve been breathing all night. It’s wonderful, I breathe in that air and I can smell the mesquite groves all around the house, it’s really a gift.
Zebulon:
It sounds nice, Doc.
Effie:
But speaking of the heat, let’s not keep people heating up by the phone, let’s get to it.
Zebulon:
Alright, I had Pete and Stephanie on the line with marital troubles but we got disconnected, let me see if I can get them back.
Effie:
Let’s track them down.
We hear a phone ringing. Peter answers.
Peter:
Yes, hello?
Effie:
Pete, how are you? You’re on with Dr. Barbara.
Peter:
I’m what with who?
Effie:
Pete, I hear that you and your wife are going through a bit of a time right now, is that safe to say?
Peter:
What? Who is this?
Effie:
You know, Pete, there’s nothing more complicated than a marriage. Nothing in the world. You can talk to me about the human nervous system or weather patterns or particle physics, but no, it’s two people trying to make a life long commitment to each other, that is the final frontier if you ask me.
Peter:
I don’t believe I am asking you.
Effie:
Pete, I’m going to perform a little test. I’m going to ask you what the root problem is with your marriage and you’re going to try and answer, are you ready?
Stephanie:
Who are you talking to?
Peter:
I don’t know, apparently I’m on the radio.
Stephanie:
Why?
Peter:
How would I know?
Effie:
Is that your wife, Pete? She can help with the test if you like.
Stephanie:
What test, what is she talking about?
Peter:
Well, she’s asking me what the root problem is with our marriage.
Stephanie:
Ha! Well, that’s some fun serendipity, isn’t it? What’d you say?
Peter:
I haven’t said anything, I just picked up the phone.
Stephanie:
What’s your answer?
Peter:
I’m not going to answer her question.
Stephanie:
No, go ahead, I’d like to hear this. What’s her name?
Effie:
It’s Dr. Barbara, Stephanie.
Stephanie:
Dr. Barbara. Perfect. Come on, Pete. Let it rip.
Peter:
I will not let it rip.
Effie:
Stephanie, would you like to go first?
Stephanie:
Absolutely not, I want to hear this.
Peter:
Restlessness.
Stephanie:
I’m sorry?
Effie:
Well, then.
Peter:
You heard me.
Effie:
Did you hear what he said, Frank?
Zebulon:
Yeah, I heard him, he said restlessness.
Effie:
That’s so interesting, isn’t it Frank?
Zebulon:
I know I’m interested.
Effie:
Tell us more about that word you chose, Pete. Restlessness.
Peter:
We have a good life here. It may be a small life, it may be in a small town on the side of a large mountain but it’s a good life. Good lives are hard to come by and I think we should be grateful for the one we have rather than leaving it because we think another one might be better.
Effie:
And Stephanie, do you have anything to say to that?
Stephanie:
I think a good life is subjective. I think what’s good for one person is not necessarily good for another. He’s talking about it like it’s this objective truth that I just don’t understand.
Effie:
Okay, do you see what I mean about the complexity, Frank?
Zebulon:
I’ve got a headache just thinking about it.
Effie:
Every human being is a story, kids. Frank, do you remember our first show together?
Zebulon:
I sure do, Doc. You stopped the whole show and said “Frank, what’s your story?”
Effie:
That’s right.
Zebulon:
Somehow it ended with me giving the audience my chili recipe.
Effie:
Oooh I remember that chili, so spicy!
Stephanie:
What’s happening?
Peter:
They’re talking about chili now.
Effie:
Kids, I think the most important thing to remember right now is that all of this fighting is good. Conflict is just a relationship trying to grow, and the longer you talk, the greater the chance of the other person making sense. Everybody makes sense if you listen long enough.
Stephanie:
We can’t seem to do that without it turning into a shouting match.
Effie:
I see, Frank what do I have to say to that?
Zebulon:
Time to take it on the road.
Effie:
That’s right Frank, take this conversation to a public place. Maybe go have a cup of coffee. It’ll be harder to scream at each other if you’re worried about your server calling the police.
Stephanie:
That’s actually not a bad idea.
Peter:
It’s completely unsolicited advice but it’s not bad advice.
Effie:
Good. I’m excited you two. I’m excited what this next phase will bring and I know Frank’s excited too.
Zebulon:
I’m excited.
Effie:
Good luck, kids. Frank, we are on a roll, let’s take another call.
Outside the diner. Gloria has rounded up a couple of anomalies.
Gloria:
Okay, head on inside you two, we’ll get you some coffee, okay?
We hear two unconscious bodies being dragged across the gravel parking lot.
Gloria:
Leif!
Leif:
What?
Gloria:
What the fuck?!
Leif:
What?
Gloria:
They’re unconscious!
Leif:
I had to give them the Secret Handshake.
Gloria:
Goddamn it, the what?
Leif:
It’s an old trick. Ninety nine times out of a hundred if you toss something to somebody, they’ll try and catch it. It’s a steel ball that shocks you when you catch it, AKA, The Secret Handshake.
Gloria:
Leif, Ava told us we have to convince them to come in.
Leif:
Well, sorry. I tried to get in there and... they both reminded me too much of my dad. The Secret Handshake was my only hope.
Gloria:
You can make a force field around the diner but you can’t sit through a marital dispute?
Leif:
Yeah, yeah, oh, the irony. I got them, didn’t I? Don’t tell Ava.
Door chime.
Ava:
Don’t tell Ava what, Leif?
Leif:
Goddamnit.
Caspar:
Leif, what the fuck, man? That’s cheating.
Effie:
Leif, what on God’s green earth are you doing?
Zebulon:
Perhaps he sung them to sleep?
Leif:
I don’t understand, why can’t we just drag them in here?
Ava:
I don’t need to explain my instructions to you.
Caspar:
Leif, you can’t just treat people like cargo; you’re not Southwest Airlines.
Leif:
Whatever. They’re in the parking lot. That’s good enough.
Effie:
Is it, though?
Zebulon:
We managed to round ours up without even going in the room, didn’t we, dear?
Effie:
I’m calling it a personal best, myself. Far and above Mr. Drop Them Off in the Parking Lot over here.
Caspar:
How did Terric do?
Gloria:
Terric was the first one in, that guy’s a machine.
Ava:
Well, look at that, first day at the diner and he’s already pulling his weight, how does that feel Leif?
Leif:
So we’re just forgetting when I saved our asses a couple of days ago?
Ava:
You know what Janet Jackson would say?
Gloria:
What have you done for me lately?
Leif:
You’re all terribly ungrateful and I regret saving any of you.
Caspar:
Are you talking to us or your baseball card collection?
Leif:
Is that everybody?
Gloria:
No. Frank and June are still waiting outside the room. I’m going to give them a hand.
Caspar:
I’m going to go coffee the anomalies.
Gloria crosses the parking lot to frank and june. They are listening at the door.
Gloria:
Hey, you two. How are we doing?
June:
Uh. Frank how’re we doing?
Frank:
I don’t even know how to answer that question.
Gloria:
Yeah... Just to give you an update, it’s going well. We’ve got everyone in the diner except for yours.
Frank:
Ours?
June:
Yeah, it’s my Uncle Pete and Aunt Stephanie and his mom and dad. They’re kind of all “ours.”
Gloria:
I hear you...
Frank:
I can’t go in that room, I can’t do any of this. What are we even doing?
Gloria:
I know. But trust me this is going to work.
June:
What’s going to work?
Gloria:
We’re just trying to make things like they were.
Frank:
You’re asking me to go in there and talk to someone who...
Gloria:
Who died. I know.
June:
I mean, the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to us is when we saw a UFO one time.
Gloria:
Uh huh.
June:
So, this is up a few notches for us.
Gloria:
I see.
June:
And that was just a yellow triangle hovering above the town for a few minutes. I don’t even know what it was.
Leif:
(Calling from the diner.) It’s a Toferian mapping drone. You see them all the time.
Gloria:
Leif.
Leif:
Sorry.
Gloria:
Look, I’ve been exactly where you are right now. I was down on my luck in Phoenix and then I stepped through those doors over there. That was that. Here I am now. I’ve stood in that parking lot and stared down a black hole. I met Space Pirates. I went back to the end of the Ice Age. I think what kept my brain from breaking is... what’s the real thing? What’s the real thing that’s happening? There’s a lot going on right now. A diner’s appeared in your parking lot, but what’s the real thing? Maybe the real thing is, you going in there and saying some things to your dad that you didn’t get to say.
Frank:
I don’t think that’s my dad in there.
Gloria:
And that’s fine too, Frank. Because it’s not actually about him. This is for you. Give it a shot.
June:
Fuck it, Frank, let’s get in there.
Frank:
Fine. Okay.
The door to the motel room opens and peter and stephanie are mid-argument.
Peter:
We’ve been through the options a million times. Charleston, Boston, Madison, Santa Fe, Austin two times.
Stephanie:
You’re just listing the names of cities now, this isn’t helpful.
Peter:
You’re right. None of this has been helpful.
Frank:
Okay, can you two just stop please?
Peter:
Who are you?
Stephanie:
Please, come on in, don’t bother knocking.
June:
This is weird.
Frank:
We can hear you arguing across the parking lot.
Stephanie:
Which isn’t an invitation for you to come on in.
Peter:
Can you give us some privacy, please? Whoever you are.
Frank:
I came in here to say that this is ridiculous and both of you need to just knock it off, okay?
Stephanie:
This is none of your business.
Frank:
You two do this all the time. Why? What are you doing? Do you even know what you’re doing?
Peter:
Again, trying to have a private conversation.
Frank:
It’s not working. I... I stay here at this motel a lot and you two always show up, go into a room, and scream at each other for hours. Just stop it.
Peter:
I think how we choose to spend our time is none of your-
Frank:
You’re stuck with each other. Okay? You come here and you argue all night long about the same thing: Moving out of town or not. But it’s not about that is it? It never was. It’s about getting a divorce.
Stephanie:
That’s not true.
June:
Yes, it is, guys.
Stephanie:
How do you know?
June:
Because everybody knows. We live here in town, everybody knows. Especially your kids.
Frank:
Especially your kids.
June:
Did the two of you know that there’s a running bet down at the Sheep’s Eye? The Pete and Stephanie divorce pool. Like, that’s the official name. There’s an envelope in the cash register that says Sturgis’ Divorce on it. Minimum bet is twenty dollars. They’ve been collecting for years. Who keeps joking about it?
Frank:
Celeste.
June:
Celeste. Celeste Joos keeps saying she’s going to retire as soon as her Sturgis divorce money comes in. She’s in deep actually, we’re a little worried about it.
Stephanie:
Is this true?
Frank:
Yes. It’s true. And it’s ridiculous. Do you want to know why? Because you’re never going to break up.
June:
Yeah, it’s kind of like wondering if your cat is ever going to start talking to you.
Peter:
How do you know anything about us?
Frank:
Guys. When you break into several arguments several times a month at various public places all around town, everyone is going to know everything about you. Your marriage is a spectator sport.
June:
But not like a baseball game where you don’t know who’s going to win. It’s more like pro wrestling. It’s loud and it’s entertaining, but it’s very obviously fake.
Frank:
Because you are never going to break up.
Stephanie:
Do they really talk about us like that?
Peter:
How do you know any of this?
Frank:
There are billions of people in the world, Pete. So many fish in the sea. But I swear to god, no matter how many people are out there, the only one out there for you two weirdos is each other. There is literally no one else on God’s green earth that will put up with your weird bullshit.
Stephanie:
We don’t have weird bullshit.
June:
Stephanie, are you banned from shopping at Fred Meyer?
Stephanie:
... Yes.
June:
Why?
Stephanie:
... Because they were incorporating the weight of their packing material into the price of their meat and seafood, which is illegal.
June:
And that got you banned from all their locations why?
Stephanie:
Because I filed a complaint with their head office.
June:
Uh huh. Keep going.
Stephanie:
And they ignored me.
June:
We’re almost there.
Stephanie:
... So I started stealing salmon from the meat section.
June:
There we go. Super normal reaction.
Stephanie:
They were stealing from us, I can’t steal from them?
June:
Well obviously not, because they had you arrested.
Frank:
Pete, what was it like to get that call? “I’m sorry, you’ve arrested my wife for what?”
June:
Who was in the holding cell with you, some grizzly bears?
Stephanie:
I’ll have you know that the State Attorney General eventually investigated them and they got fined a million dollars.
June:
What’s it like to be married to the Rosa Parks of line-caught salmon, Pete?
Stephanie:
Ok, ha ha, everybody laugh at the fish thief, fine. What’s the point you’re trying to make?
Frank:
The point is, you two didn’t fight about that. He had to bail you out of jail for the most ridiculous crime in the history of the state of Oregon and you didn’t fight about it.
Peter:
Of course we didn’t, she was right.
Stephanie:
I was right.
Frank:
See? You think that’s a typical response? It’s not. You are the only person who would steal fish from a grocery store as some sort of ridiculous social protest and HE’s the only guy who wouldn’t get mad about it.
June:
Okay, let’s do Pete now.
Frank:
Pete, we should probably talk about Boodles.
June:
Oh my God, I forgot about Boodles.
Frank:
You adopted a dog named Boodles, didn’t you Pete?
Peter:
... Yes, I adopted a Dog named Boodles.
Frank:
A fan of dogs, Pete?
Peter:
... I’ve never really been a pet person.
June:
Stephanie, how do you feel about dogs?
Stephanie:
Not really a fan.
Frank:
And yet Pete came home with a dog.
Stephanie:
Yes.
Frank:
What gives, Pete?
Peter:
He was going to be euthanized, he had stayed at the shelter too long.
Frank:
I see, that’s very noble. Can you think of any reason why Boodles had been at the shelter too long?
Peter:
... There was a smell.
Frank:
“There was a smell.”
Stephanie:
Saying that dog had a smell is like saying the Beatles were fairly well known.
June:
You gave him a bath five times, Pete.
Peter:
I did.
Frank:
Did it work?
Peter:
It did not.
Frank:
Now, Boodles was a very old dog. But he did hang in there for three years, didn’t he? All the while stinking up the whole house.
June:
It was the kind of smell that felt like punishment from God or a fairy’s curse or something. It was not a natural smell.
Peter:
It was bad.
Frank:
You had to keep the windows in the house open in the winter time.
Peter:
Not all of the windows.
June:
It was a tough time in the house.
Peter:
It was.
Frank:
And through it all, you never argued about the dog.
Stephanie:
No.
Peter:
... No.
Frank:
The point I’m trying to make here is... Can you knock it off please? Can you stop it with the arguing all the time? All you’re doing is playing around with the idea that you’re going to break up, but you’re never going to. Because you both drive each other crazy, but on the important stuff, on the salmon stealing and the stinky old dog stuff, that’s the stuff you couldn’t find somewhere else... So, stop it.
June:
What we should probably also say is, people really love you guys. They love to gossip about you but, I don’t think they would know what to do without you.
Frank:
Guys. Go home. You don’t have to do this anymore. Go home. Your kids already know you’re here fighting. Go fight in front of them. They already know you’re not breaking up. They might appreciate the honesty.
Peter:
Do you talk to your parents this way?
Frank:
No... but I should have. Go home.
June:
I mean-
Frank:
Oh right. Don’t go home, go over there and have a cup of coffee at that diner.
Peter:
At the what?
June:
Don’t worry about it, here we go!
Up on the roof. Clementine is hiding.
Terric:
Not a bad spot to hide.
Clementine:
... What are you doing here? How did they find you?
Terric:
I’m not sure how they found me. I’m not sure they know either.
Clementine:
Why are you talking like that?
Terric:
...They found me after I’d left Jerusalem.
Clementine:
That doesn’t make any sense... What did I do to you?
Terric:
I don’t think we should talk about that right now.
Clementine:
Terric.
Terric:
... They found me after I left Jerusalem... about seven hundred years after I left Jerusalem.
Clementine:
...
Terric:
Their theory is... That morning when we were in bed. I told you about the elixir of life... and that’s what did it... Time stopped for me, Clementine.
Clementine:
Oh God...
Terric:
Maybe there was a better way to tell you that, I’m not sure.
Clementine:
You’ve been here the whole time?
Terric:
Yes.
Clementine:
You’ve been watching me destroy the world. The whole time.
Terric:
I didn’t know it was you. But yes.
Gloria:
(Down on the ground.) Okay, that’s the last of them.
Leif:
Let’s bag ‘em and tag ‘em.
Gloria:
Don’t say bag ‘em and tag ‘em.
Clementine:
They picked you up because they thought you could convince me to stop?
Terric:
They picked me up because they thought you were about to wave the white flag and would like to see a friendly face.
Clementine:
Terric, do you understand how seeing your face right now has only made it a thousand times worse?
Terric:
The thought crossed my mind.
Clementine:
I destroyed my planet, Terric. Our planet.
Terric:
I know.
Clementine:
Terric, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to.
Terric:
I know that too.
Clementine:
And now you have to be here to see it. You have to see what I turned into.
Terric:
Clementine-
Clementine:
Do you think I wanted you to see me turn into a monster? Why would I want that?
Terric:
Clementine, calm down-
Clementine:
I didn’t mean it, Terric! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it!
Terric:
Just breathe.
Clementine:
I destroy everything I touch!
Terric:
Clementine!
There is a crackle of energy and dozens of cars begin pouring into the parking lot. The cars park and Stephanie and Pete get out of each one of them, playing out the exact same argument again.
Clementine:
Oh God. Oh no.
Meanwhile, on the ground.
Gloria:
Ava?
Ava:
Oh, fuck.
Gloria:
What’s happening?
Ava:
How many are there?
Leif:
I count at least twenty.
Caspar:
They’re backed up all the way to the main highway, though.
Effie:
Ava, I don’t think I’ve got to tell you, I have a bad feeling about this.
Zebulon:
It’s as though a dam has broken but it’s spilled out automobiles instead of water.
Frank:
I thought you were going to fix this?
June:
This is not what fixed looks like.
Ava:
Caspar, go down to the entrance from the highway, see how many cars there are.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ava:
It’s an appreciating anomaly.
Leif:
Oh, fuck.
Gloria:
What does that mean?
Ava:
It’s replicating itself like a virus.
Gloria:
How fast is it replicating?
Caspar:
The entire highway is jammed with the same car! It stretches all the way around the mountain!
Ava:
That was fast.
Gloria:
We can’t get all of them in the diner.
Ava:
No, we can’t. What the hell happened? Where is she? Clementine?!
Terric:
(From the roof.) We’re up here.
Ava:
What happened?
Terric:
She got upset and then all of a sudden we’re standing in a car dealership.
Ava:
Shit.
Gloria:
That’s the opposite of what we wanted you to do, Terric.
Terric:
Sorry.
Leif:
We should get Clementine in here. Eventually the diner will sap her powers.
Gloria:
That’s a good idea.
Ava:
No, it’s not.
Gloria:
Why?
Ava:
We may be able to fix her, but that wont fix the anomaly.
Gloria:
Won’t it just go away?
Ava:
No, it’ll continue.
Gloria:
For how long?
Ava:
Indefinitely. Pete and Stephanie and their shitty car is going to keep replicating itself over and over again. The cars will eventually fill up the entire freeway. Then the entire state, then the country, then the world. Gloria, given a long enough timeline, this entire universe we’re in will be filled with copy after copy of Pete and Stephanie’s Hyundai Sonata.
Gloria:
That’s impossible.
Ava:
Not anymore.
Gloria:
Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do?
Zebulon:
My friends, I fear all that’s left is to solve the problem at it’s source.
Ava:
I just said, that’s not going to work.
Effie:
Perhaps the problem is not for us to fix, Ava. But for somebody to start cleaning up their own messes.
Ava:
... Okay I have an idea.
Gloria:
Great!
Ava:
It’s an idea that will either work perfectly or erase all of existence including us.
Gloria:
... Fantastic.
Caspar:
There’s not a third option?
Leif:
What do we do?
Ava:
Nothing. Terric!
Terric:
Yeah?
Ava:
Is she up there?
Terric:
Yeah.
Ava:
Keep her there, I’m coming to you.
Terric:
Okay.
Gloria:
What are you going to do?
Ava:
The way I see it. Clementine is like heavy artillery. She just needs someone who knows how to aim her. Caspar, if I don’t come back, just remember: I hate you.
Caspar:
I know.
Ava walks toward the motel.
Gloria:
... All of existence, huh?
Caspar:
I mean, really, were we doing that great of a job with existence anyway?
Leif:
An old shake of the Etch-a-Sketch never hurt anybody.
Gloria:
Do we get to pick what we come back as?
Leif:
If so, it’s sixteenth century boatwright for me.
Gloria:
Chocolatier.
Caspar:
Host of Family Feud.
Effie:
Dear, let’s be vintners.
Zebulon:
Wine makers?
Effie:
I want to get into one of those barrels with my bare feet and smash grapes.
Zebulon:
That’s very fancy. I could grow a mustache.
Effie:
No.
June:
Could I play the saxophone?
Frank:
What is wrong with you people?!
Up on the roof.
Clementine:
(Repeating over and over to herself.) Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
Ava:
How’s she doing?
Terric:
She’s repeating this over and over again.
Ava:
Terric, I’m getting the sense that seeing you again was not the instant solution we were hoping it would be.
Terric:
I probably could’ve told you that. What’s happening down there?
Ava:
The universe is filling up with cars.
Terric:
Cars?
Ava:
And to make it worse, it’s all Hyundai Sonatas. Not even a cool car.
Terric:
The entire universe?
Ava:
I know. Here you were thinking “I’m seven hundred years old, I’ve seen it all.” Guess what?
Terric:
Can you do something to fix this, please?
Ava:
Yes. Although what I do may actually obliterate us all so, apologies in advance.
Terric:
What?
Ava:
Clementine? Hey, Clementine. Clementine!
Clementine:
Don’t yell at me, something bad might happen.
Ava:
It might happen? Seriously?
Clementine:
Please make it stop.
Ava:
Okay. Clementine, I have to say, I’ve enjoyed our time together a little bit. I like breaking things. And you’re really good at breaking things. But you’re starting to really fuck with these universes, Lady. And that’s a problem, because these aren’t your universes, Clementine... They’re mine. These are my universes and you’re fucking them up and I don’t like it when people mess with my shit.
Clementine:
Make it stop!
Ava:
Okay. Try and stay calm. This is going to get weird. Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you to, okay?
Clementine:
Okay.
Ava:
Imagine there is a pice of paper in front of you. Let’s make it a really nice piece of paper. I’m talking Japanese calligraphy level quality. The kind of paper that’s so beautiful you almost don’t want to write on it. One person spent hours mulching wood and drying it on a screen so that you could be presented with this beautiful blank sheet. Do you see it?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
Now everything else is going to fade away. Every sound you hear is going to fade into the background until it’s completely gone.
Every sound fades away. There is complete silence.
Clementine:
Where did everything go?
Ava:
Don’t open your eyes.
Clementine:
Where is it?
Ava:
The only thing that exists now is you and me and the sheet of paper in front you.
Clementine:
Why is it all gone?
Ava:
Because we’re starting from scratch. You have an ink brush in your hand. Do you see it?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
It’s wet with ink. Reach out with the brush and make one single dot on the paper. Do you see the dot on the paper?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
That dot is a universe. At its very beginning. Unformed. Everything that could be is in that one dot. Do you see it?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
Reach out to the piece of paper. With your thumb, I want you to smudge the ink. Smear it across the page.
Clementine:
Okay.
Ava:
Did you smear the ink across the page?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
Good. Your universe now has two dimensions. Can you feel it growing?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
We don’t need the paper anymore, do we?
Clementine:
No.
Ava:
I want you to imagine the paper disappearing, but when it disappears the ink spot stays. That trail of ink you made on the paper, your universe, is now floating in front of you. Do you see it?
Clementine:
I see it.
Ava:
Now, with each hand, just your first finger and thumb, I want you to pull the ink spot apart like it’s silly putty. Keep pulling and expanding it until it’s the size of an egg.
Clementine:
Okay.
Ava:
Do you see it?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
You just created a third dimension.
Clementine:
... There’s so much inside it.
Ava:
I know.
Clementine:
It’s beautiful.
Ava:
I know. But we’re not done. A new universe floats in front of you like a cluster of Cottonwood seeds. Reach out with both hands and cradle it in your palms. Everything that exists is in your hands. Now, very gently move the universe from the left side of your vision, to your right, and then slowly bring it back again... Did you do it?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
You just created time. How does it feel?
Clementine:
I love it so much.
Ava:
You created it, of course you do. But now you’ve given it four dimensions, which means it can grow by itself. Is it getting bigger?
Clementine:
Yes.
Ava:
It’s the size of a baseball, then a globe, then a beachball, then a house, a mountain, a planet, a solar system, a galaxy... and then it’s the size of everything. We’re now inside it, floating through it all. We can go anywhere you want. In the long arms of a particular galaxy you can see a familiar blue dot. You float towards it, through the clouds and down towards a small town on a mountainside. You float down onto the roof of a Motel.
The sounds of the forest fade back in. We no longer hear the sound of Pete and Stephanie and the cars.
Leif:
Whoa.
Gloria:
All the cars are gone.
Caspar:
Holy shit, Ava.
Ava:
Open your eyes.
Clementine:
What happened?
Ava:
We started over. Kind of. Are they all gone down there?
Gloria:
Yeah, everyone.
Ava:
Well, I guess I didn’t obliterate us.
Frank:
What the hell just happened?
Caspar:
Okay, for real though, did Ava just do magic?
Clementine:
Thank you.
Ava:
You’re welcome, dummy.
Clementine:
What did you do?
Ava:
I didn’t do much of anything. I just told you what to do.
Clementine:
How did you know what to do?
Ava:
I’m really smart, Clementine. The more power you have the more knowledge you have to have. The more you can do, the more you need to know what you should do. If you don’t you get a universe full of Hyundai Sonatas.
Clementine:
... Is it over?
Ava:
Not yet. The next part is the most important part. You and Terric are going to go down to the diner, sit at a booth and you’re going to drink coffee and eat pancakes until we’ve sucked all the terrible bullshit out of you. It could take a while, you’re full of a lot of bullshit.
Terric:
What’s that going to do to her?
Ava:
Honestly, I’m not sure.
Clementine:
It doesn’t matter. I’ll do it. I have to.
Ava:
Okay. Let’s get off this roof then. You need to go down and apologize to literally everyone.
Clementine:
Okay.
Effie:
Dear, we’ve got to put some music on because that was a whole dang experience.
Zebulon:
Agreed, dear.
Song:
Leif:
... Anyway, you’ll see these triangular yellow drones from Toferius sometimes. They hover for a minute of so, grab some data and then they’re gone, it’s no big deal.
June:
What kind of data are they grabbing?
Leif:
They make maps. They’re nuts about maps, the whole planet, it’s weird.
Clementine:
Hey Leif, do you mind if I talk to Frank and June for a second?
Leif:
No problem. Nice to meet you two.
Frank:
Sure.
Clementine:
Hey, guys.
June:
Hey... So... Apparently Leif used to be a Space Pirate.
Clementine:
Yes.
Frank:
Normal shit.
June:
I mean, it is the most normal thing we’ve heard today.
Frank:
That’s true.
June:
And the radio?
Clementine:
Uh, I don’t think anyone actually knows the story there.
Frank:
They’re telling us that you were just trying to get home.
Clementine:
I was. I could travel anywhere I wanted except back home. So, I kept changing things in my past, hoping it would lead me back there. In the process I... caused all this. Now I’ll never get back there.
Frank:
And home was in the future?
Clementine:
Not your future. Another future of another Earth. It’s hard to explain.
June:
No, I get it.
Frank:
You do?
June:
Yes. Because I watched Star Trek. Who’s laughing now?
Clementine:
I’m so sorry.
Frank:
I guess now I understand why you were never honest with us.
Clementine:
Yeah.
June:
I mean, in a strange way I guess it all makes sense now.
Frank:
I mean, it doesn’t make SENSE sense.
June:
Oh no.
Frank:
But it makes sense.
Clementine:
Thank you both for being so nice to me this whole time. I really did like it here.
Frank:
You know, Clementine, you may not ever get home but that doesn’t mean you’ll never “be home” y’know? You heard my mom, she hated it here, but she made us her home. Sometimes home isn’t a place.
Ava:
Hey there. Mind if I butt in? I need to debrief the motel people before we go.
Clementine:
Yeah. I need to make a bunch of apologies anyway.
June:
Bye Clementine.
Ava:
So. Hi.
June:
So you’re, like, the doctor of the ship right?
Ava:
It’s not a ship.
June:
But you’re like the smart person with the ideas.
Ava:
Sure.
June:
See? Star Trek again. I’m lapping you.
Ava:
I wanted to mention something before we go. Uh... We may have fixed things here but there’s actually no such thing as a fixed thing.
Frank:
What do you mean?
Ava:
Well, some weird shit went down. We fixed it but there may be some... residual effects.
Frank:
Residual effects?
Ava:
Things may still be a little weird around here.
June:
Things are always weird around here.
Ava:
Right. This would be a new category of weird.
Frank:
What exactly does this new category of weird look like?
Ava:
Really no idea. Just keep a look out for that, okay?
June:
...Okay.
Ava:
Oh and, Frank? Clementine told me that at one point she... disintegrated your body... and then she reconstructed your body from ambient molecules in the atmosphere?
Frank:
She... I’m sorry she what now?
Ava:
Reconstructed your body after disintegrating it.
Frank:
Uh huh.
Ava:
But you look like you’re doing great so just... keep a lookout for that as well.
Frank:
... Okay.
Clementine:
Hi.
Terric:
Hi.
Clementine:
Okay. When I look at you I literally feel every human emotion and it’s overwhelming so I just need to say something.
Terric:
Okay.
Clementine:
... Actually I think I already said the thing I needed to say, it was the every human emotion thing. I put the cart before the horse. I guess I’m trying to say-
Terric:
Clementine. I’m going to stand here in this parking lot until this place starts traveling through the space time continuum because it’s really an amazing thing to see. Then you and I are going to go inside and have pancakes. Okay?
Clementine:
... Okay.
Caspar:
This parking lot was full of cars and then you talked to Clementine and all the cars disappeared, what kind of Kriss Angel nonsense is that?
Ava:
I’ve told you for years that I am a sorcerer and you don’t listen to me. But I shouldn’t be surprised because you never listen to me.
Caspar:
I listen to you all the time. It’s not my fault that I only understand thirty percent of the things you say.
Ava:
Thirty percent is generous.
Caspar:
It’s tricky with you physics people because you have these cool names for things that turn out to be super boring like Monstrous Moonshine.
Ava:
Monstrous Moonshine is fascinating.
Caspar:
Does it involve either monsters or moonshine? No, it does not, it’s a total misnomer and I think the physics community should watch itself.
Ava:
Okay, stop for a second.
Caspar:
What?
Ava:
I want to talk to you about something.
Caspar:
Ok.
Ava:
I’m concerned with some things you’ve been saying lately.
Caspar:
What things when?
Ava:
When we were in the deep freeze...
We begin to hear a familiar sound in the distance.
Caspar:
... Ava?... Ava, what’s happening?
Ava:
That sound.
Caspar:
What?
Ava:
Do you hear that?
Caspar:
Uh, maybe. I think I hear something.
Ava:
Leif?
Leif:
I hear it.
Caspar:
What is it?
Gloria:
It’s Chuck.
Caspar:
It’s Chuck? 4th dimensional being Chuck? He has theme music now? Like Foxy Brown?
Ava:
There’s a sound we heard the last time he showed up.
Gloria:
And the time before that.
Caspar:
Okay. Well, he’s the one who sent us on this wild ride looking for Clementine, maybe he wants to congratulate us now. Maybe this is the loot chest at the end of the adventure.
Effie:
Gloria.
Gloria:
What?
Effie:
We must go. Now.
Clementine:
Ow!
Terric:
Clementine?
Clementine:
Ow, FUCK Ow!
Terric:
Clementine, what’s wrong?
Clementine:
I don’t know. OW! Goddamnit!
Gloria:
What’s happening, Terric?
Terric:
I don’t know.
Effie:
Gloria. We’ve been decieved.
Clementine:
(Voice transforming.) OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! Ahh! What’s happening?
Ava:
It’s Chuck.
Caspar:
He’s killing her.
Gloria:
Why? It’s over, we won!
Leif:
The point wasn’t to stop her. He just wanted us to wear her down and then flush her out so he could-
Clementine:
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
Terric:
Do something!
Caspar:
We were his fucking hunting dogs.
Leif:
He’s going to kill her right in front of us.
Clementine:
Terric?! What’s happening?!
Gloria:
Somebody give me some options!
Ava:
Uh... Leif! Go up on the roof and turn on the wind chimes.
Leif:
Why?
Ava:
I think it may distract him, it may buy us some time.
Leif:
Okay, I’m going.
Caspar:
This was his plan the whole goddamn time. We can’t let her just die.
Gloria:
We’re not going to.
Clementine:
FUCKING STOP IT!
Leif:
(On the roof.) Wind chimes are on!
Gloria:
How long until we jump?
Leif:
We’re a ways off.
Gloria:
Fuck. Clementine? Clementine, what’s happening?
Clementine:
(The pain easing off a bit.) I don’t... I don’t know... it’s like I’m having my insides ripped out.
Gloria:
Clementine, you teleported the diner to get us here, can you do it again?
Clementine:
I can’t... I can’t I’m too weak.
Zebulon:
We’ve been pawns this entire time. We must protect her, Gloria.
Gloria:
How?
Zebulon:
I am not asking you to pray, but to find the closest thing you can.
Clementine:
Oh God, it’s starting again. OOOOOW!
Ava:
He’s finding a way through.
Gloria:
I am officially sick of this. Frank, June.
June:
Is she going to be okay?
Frank:
What’s happening?
Gloria:
I’m sorry you two. Best of luck, now get off the parking lot.
Frank:
What?
Gloria:
Leif, can you get more power to the wind chimes?
Leif:
I can try.
Clementine:
Gloria!
Gloria:
Clementine, you’ve got to hang in there, okay?
Clementine:
What’s happening to me?
Terric:
We’ve got to do something, what’s attacking her?
Gloria:
Hang on.
Caspar:
What are we going to do?
Gloria:
Stay out here okay?
Caspar:
What’s happening?
Gloria:
... I’m going to go get mad.
Caspar:
Mad?
Gloria walks inside the diner and makes a b-line for the kitchen. She picks up a spatula and repeatedly bangs it on the grill.
Gloria:
Hey! I’m talking to you!... There’s a girl out there that’s about to be killed while you’re just sitting here. Are you listening to me?!... I know you’re listening to me. I know you listen to us all the time. I know we talk about how this place is random and just pops up in random places, but it doesn’t. You don’t do that do you?... In fact, I’m guessing nothing you do is random... I know you’re listening. I know you’re paying attention. There are guajillo peppers in that walk-in that you put there and I’ll bet my life you didn’t start doing that until I showed up. You’re listening. I’m guessing you have some sort of plan that we’ll never know, some great mystery, right? Well, I’m sick of it. I’m getting batted around by two forces out of my control: Chuck the 4th dimensional asshole... and you... Whatever you are... And frankly, getting batted around by forces out of my control? I had enough of that back home and I’m not doing it again. So here’s the deal. Whatever it is you’re up to? You need me. I know you do. You need all of us. And none of us are going to stand for you letting a girl die in the parking lot... You need us, so you need to start acting like it... Move... Now... Take this girl home.
Outside we hear a crack and the diner is traveling again. Leif comes in through the back door.
Leif:
We jumped early. What happened?
Gloria:
I think I used my get out of jail free card.
Leif:
What do you mean?
Gloria:
You were saying that this place is listening to us right?
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
So I yelled at it.
Leif:
Holy shit.
Gloria:
I’m guessing I get about one of those per lifetime.
Leif:
Nice work.
Gloria:
Let’s check on the problem child.
In the parking lot.
Terric:
How are you feeling?
Clementine:
I’m okay. God that was terrible.
Zebulon:
I’m disappointed in myself that we were deceived.
Effie:
We all are, Zebulon.
Terric:
Deceived by who? Who are you talking about?
Caspar:
Someone sent us after you, Clementine.
Clementine:
Who?
Caspar:
I don’t know how to describe it. An entity. We named him Chuck.
Ava:
We didn’t know he was going to try and kill you.
Caspar:
We did not.
Terric:
Now what happens?
Door chime
Gloria:
Looks like we’re in the clear for now.
Caspar:
How did we jump early?
Leif:
Gloria yelled at the diner.
Caspar:
Yelled at it?
Gloria:
Yes. So, watch yourself.
Clementine:
Gloria, what’s happening?
Gloria:
Looks like we’ve all got a lot of explaining to do, but for now we’re fine. I somehow convinced the diner to take you home, Clementine.
Clementine:
... Oh God... I wish you hadn’t done that.
The end