We're currently in beta! If you find any mistakes in the scripts, please copy the link and send it to
issues@podscripts.app so we can fix it.
Midnight Burger
Chapter 24: Big Rock.
The sound of space time flying by. Everyone is on the roof.
Zebulon:
“That’s a shame.” She said. “I’m going to have to do something about that. I’ll try to not make it hurt.” And then she vanished.
Caspar:
Well, way to de-escalate the situation, y’all.
Effie:
We made her tea, we invited her into our home.
Caspar:
And let me guess, the entire time you were looking over the top of your glasses like a disapproving headmistress.
Effie:
You mean the way I’m looking at you right now?
Gloria:
Can someone explain to me how the three of you all ended up at your old house in Arkansas?
Zebulon:
Well I did have a nice analogy about a grouse hunt.
Caspar:
I would like to opt-out of the grouse hunt analogy.
Zebulon:
Very well.
Ava:
One time Effie told me that they seem to just fill up whatever container they’re put in. Somehow this woman, Clementine, put them in a container that looked like their past.
Caspar:
Now opting in to the grouse hunt analogy.
Zebulon:
Welcome back.
Leif:
She said she’d “Learned a lot from the others.” The others being us. What does that mean?
Gloria:
Has she been spying on us or something?
Ava:
If she can travel through various timelines then she can poke around in all of our histories and we’d never know it. By meeting us in the past she just creates another timeline where we all once met a strange lady named Clementine.
Leif:
Great, so she’s got all kinds of dirt on us and we know nothing about her?
Zebulon:
She was confused when she spoke. She said she began as nothing and had to remake herself into her current form. Something about waking in a parking lot with no memory. Then her memories returning somehow. She seemed to regard herself as a sort of poorly made garment; one pull at an errant thread and she could unravel completely. She seems to regard us as an errant thread that could undo her, cause her to return to nothing before she had achieved her goal.
Gloria:
And this is when she started talking about her people?
Zebulon:
Yes. “We were just wandering in the darkness.” She said. “The stars had burnt out.” No light to be found anywhere. Whatever plight has befallen these people of hers, she believes she has the power to undo it.
Gloria:
Why doesn’t she just do that, then?
Zebulon:
I don’t believe she wishes to save her people, I believe she wishes to erase their plight completely.
Ava:
She’s trying to remake her timeline.
Gloria:
Okay, why doesn’t she just do that then?
Caspar:
How would you? It sounds like her entire civilization is screwed somehow, how do you undo that? It wouldn’t be one thing, it’d be a million things. How do you undo them all and how do you even know what to undo?
Ava:
It’s impossible.
Leif:
But she doesn’t know that.
Caspar:
You want to tell her?
Gloria:
Okay, here’s what I need. I need someone to explain to me what the problem is. In simple terms. We don’t understand Clementine, she doesn’t understand us, that’s an easy problem to fix. Why are we having this meeting on the roof like it’s the war room? Why did you two bring us up here?
Ava:
Because of something Leif just showed me.
Leif:
Let me direct your attention to this display.
Caspar:
“This display?” Isn’t that a 1989 Zenith?
Leif:
I’m salvaging from multiple time periods, you take what you can get.
Caspar:
Can I watch “Who’s the Boss?” Later?
Leif:
This oval is a cosmic microwave background. A remnant of the first light that could ever travel freely throughout a Universe. I did this scan from here, while we were dealing with the Mall Zombies.
Caspar:
Shopzies.
Gloria:
We’re not calling them that.
Leif:
This is the furthest that light had been able to travel, this is as far as any telescope can see. This is, in a very basic way, everything.
Caspar:
Everything in the universe is now contained on this 1989 Zenith?
Leif:
It’s called a Sky Scan, the Planck does it all the time. Ava’s idea was to use the sky scan of every universe we go to as a sort of fingerprint. Theoretically every universe we go to would have a unique Cosmic Microwave Background. We use the sky scan as a fingerprint and keep them on file, so we could always know if we’ve been to a universe before.
Gloria:
That’s a fantastic idea, Ava.
Caspar:
She knows.
Ava:
But Leif was also working on another project and not telling me, which he promises to never do again.
Leif:
Honestly, it was a shot in the dark. I didn’t think anything would come of it.
Gloria:
What’d you find?
Leif:
The first time we met Clementine, I accidentally grabbed her energy signature in the Sky Scan. So, on a whim, I decided to Scan the Universe for her energy signature. Check it out...
Gloria:
... It’s everywhere.
Caspar:
It’s everywhere in the universe, how could she have been everywhere in the universe?
Ava:
That’s not all.
Leif:
I also scanned the mall zombies back at the mall. They have the same trace energy signature as Clementine.
Ava:
I kept talking about damage to the fabric of spacetime. Leif has found the energy signature that damage to the fabric of spacetime emits. The mall was covered with these energies AND so was Clementine.
Caspar:
What does that mean?
Ava:
We don’t know yet. But looking at this sample universe, there is damage to space time fabric everywhere in the universe. This damage can only be caused by a gravity wave. For a gravity wave to cause this amount of damage... something very, very big had to happen. Something bigger than has ever even been theorized. Something massive occurred and the wreckage of it is everywhere.
Gloria:
Why are we just now seeing this?
Leif:
We just started looking. We may have been seeing it all along, we just didn’t know what to call it.
Caspar:
Could it have been caused by her?
Ava:
I don’t know. She is pretty powerful.
Effie:
I’m not feeling right about it. She may have strange gifts but she’s just as lost as anyone we’ve known. She’s a piece to the puzzle, she ain’t the puzzle.
Gloria:
All of this is interesting, but what do we do? I feel like we’re sitting here wondering about things but there’s nothing to do, I need to do things.
Ava:
I don’t know what’s going on yet. I need more data.
Leif:
Now that I’m set up up here, we’ll learn more with every place we visit.
Caspar:
Yeah, Leif, what is going on on the roof? It’s like Santa’s Workshop up here.
Leif:
Pretty great, right? I’ve got like five projects up and running.
Gloria:
Did you fix the standing mixer yet?
Leif:
I’ve got six projects up and running.
Caspar:
Here comes the bass drop.
The diner sets down. We hear pulsating dance music and party goers, also glass smashing and cars burning.
Caspar:
... Okay, didn’t mean that literally.
Gloria:
What is all this?
Leif:
Is it a party or is it a riot?
Caspar:
I think it’s both? It’s like Mardi Gras with violence.
Ava:
We’re in the UK somewhere. Look at the street signs.
Gloria:
What’s that spray-painted on that building?
Leif:
“Welcome Ashley.”
Gloria:
Who’s Ashley?
Caspar:
Incoming.
Josh:
(Drunk.) Hello up there.
Caspar:
Hi.
Josh:
What a delightful cafe, Is it new?
Caspar:
We just opened.
Gloria:
It’s a diner.
Josh:
Really? Like the Americans?
Gloria:
Yes.
Josh:
I don’t like Americans.
Gloria:
Neither do we.
Josh:
Why do you put pumpkin spice in everything?
Leif:
Who’s Ashley?
Josh:
Ah yes, Ashley! She’s a Death God. She drags souls into the underworld to torture them forever.
Caspar:
And she’s stopping by later?
Josh:
Have you not heard of Ashley?
Caspar:
No.
Josh:
Oh dear, you’re not calling it something else in America, are you?
Caspar:
Calling what something else?
Josh:
Do you have kebabs?
Gloria:
No.
Josh:
Have to make do then.
JOSH walks inside.
Ava:
Guess we have a customer.
Gloria:
Effie, vibe check?
Effie:
I... Well Gloria it’s just the strangest thing. One minute I feel tranquility, the other panic and fear. It’s very confusing in this place.
Gloria:
Let’s go talk to this guy.
Later. JOSH eats tacos and won’t shut up.
Josh:
This is brilliant. This is brilliant. This is what they’re meant to taste like? Tacos? No surprise that they don’t have them like this here. Most places here have a neon sign that involves a sombrero, which I feel is not the most culturally accurate design aesthetic for the taco. Who invented them? Was it the Spaniards?
Caspar:
18th century silver miners.
Gloria:
Oh shut up, it was the Aztecs.
Josh:
Really, the Aztecs? All those millennia ago they were eating things like this?
Gloria:
Theirs were full of fish and organs but sure.
Caspar:
Really?
Gloria:
Isn’t it funny how you don’t have to pass a test to call yourself a history buff?
Caspar:
Or a life coach, but who’s counting?
Josh:
You know, saying they’re full of fish and organs does make them sound more British doesn’t it?
Leif:
So, Josh, what’s going on outside? It’s pretty crazy out there, did you win a football match or something?
Josh:
May I say, while the food is really divine, the atmosphere in this establishment is a bit off. You’re all just here, going about your daily lives while all this is going on?
Leif:
While all what is going on?
Josh:
The arrival of Ashley, of course.
Leif:
Who is Ashley?
Caspar:
Is this a cult thing? Are they going to put us in a wicker man?
Josh:
I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.
Ava:
We get that a lot.
Gloria:
Do us a favor. Treat us like we’ve been trapped in a mine for two years. What do we need to know?
Josh:
Ah. What a fascinating game. Very well. First off, I am deeply sorry for the mining disaster you have just endured, mining accidents are far more prevalent that one expects. Secondly, while you were trapped in the aforementioned mine, the world discovered Ashley. Ashley is an asteroid. She is headed for Earth. She is 9.3 kilometers wide and she is headed for Earth. We are all doomed.
Gloria:
Oh, God.
Josh:
We’ve known for a few months now. Everyone took the time to sit down with their families and have a talk about being doomed and saying their last goodbyes. Then after all that we found we had many more months until Ashley arrived and wiped us out so I suppose we should get pissed and set a few things aflame. With 14 months to go we may run out of things to set fire to, so we may have to find some other irresponsible act to indulge in. Perhaps blowing things up?
Caspar:
That explains the crowd’s behavior. They’ve managed to set fire to a Verizon kiosk now.
Josh:
Ah! They finally got it lit, good on them.
Ava:
14 months?
Leif:
That’s pretty far out to detect an asteroid, how’d they catch it?
Josh:
It wasn’t them, it was me. I shouldn’t say me. It was us. Myself and my wife.
Gloria:
You’re the ones who found it?
Josh:
We’re astrophysicists, my wife and myself. We work at the observatory. Now the most famous observatory in the world. Just up the hill there.
Gloria:
And you said it was 9 kilometers wide?
Josh:
Quite a large woman, Ashley. Roughly the size of the fabled dinosaur slayer. We will literally go the way of the dinosaur in a little over a year. I’ve been wondering if our early warning was a blessing or a curse. Perhaps just a week would’ve been better. People have been coming up with far too complicated bucket lists now that doom approaches AND they have the time. There’s a man in Surrey who is making a bobsled entirely out of butter and plans to slide all the way down Box Hill with it. Not the usual end times behaviors one would expect.
Caspar:
There is now someone trying to leap over the flaming Verizon kiosk.
Josh:
Behaviors such as that, exactly, leaping over flaming objects.
Caspar:
And now he’s on fire.
Ava:
Wait, are we in Greenwich?
Josh:
We are.
Ava:
You work at the Big Onion?
Gloria:
Big onion?
Josh:
We do.
Ava:
The Royal Observatory isn’t powerful enough to pick up something that far out. 14 months?
Josh:
Apologies, have I stumbled into a cafe full of astrophysicists?
Caspar:
Kind of.
Josh:
Well, to answer your question, that is correct. The Royal Observatory didn’t find our future executioner. Our algorithm did. We wanted a better way of finding objects hurtling toward us so we created an algorithm that cross-referenced all the public data from every observatory in the world. We were very proud of ourselves. We saw ourselves creating a patchwork of data across the heavens. As it turns out, all we were doing was drawing a giant pentagram on the floor and conjuring a demon named Ashley that was now going to destroy the world.
Leif:
14 months, it hasn’t passed Jupiter yet, I’m guessing. Are you sure Jupiter isn’t going to grab it? In fact, there’s a a lot of celestial bodies for it to pass by before it would get here. What about the asteroid belt?
Josh:
We had hoped for that, but I’m afraid the path is clear. None of our celestial big brothers are coming to our rescue. Ashley is headed straight for us, and there’s nothing to be done.
Gloria:
Staff meeting at the radio, please?
Josh:
Yes, yes, talk that over. Must’ve been an awfully deep mine you were trapped in.
Gloria:
Okay, let me start this meeting by saying I am always pretty impressed by what we’re able to pull off in the course of one shift.
Caspar:
However.
Gloria:
Big rock.
Leif:
BIG rock.
Ava:
Not small.
Effie:
I’m still a little iffy on my metric system conversions y’all, how big is this rock exactly?
Ava:
Imagine the Eiffel Tower.
Effie:
Alright.
Ava:
Now imagine thirty of them.
Zebulon:
Oh my.
Zebulon:
Falling down on their heads?
Leif:
Yes.
Gloria:
Can I get the Readers Digest version of what’s going to happen exactly?
Leif:
Well, let’s see. 9.3 kilometers. Impact crater alone will be about-
Ava:
150, 160.
Leif:
Miles wide.
Ava:
Earthquakes around the planet registering 11 on the richter scale.
Leif:
But that’ll depend on how directly it hits.
Ava:
Organic matter within a thousand miles of impact will be disintegrated.
Leif:
Landing in the ocean will cut you a little slack.
Ava:
But then everyone gets 300 foot tsunamis.
Leif:
Impact wave, then fireball, then-
Ava:
-Volcanic rock will launch into space then come back down all over the world.
Leif:
Then after all that will be creeping doom.
Ava:
Ash cloud covers everything for three years. Freezing temperatures. Then after that, very high temperatures for a generation at least.
Leif:
And yes, that is the Reader’s Digest version.
Gloria:
They’re fucked.
Leif:
Not all of them.
Ava:
There’ll be some lucky ones.
Leif:
“Lucky” is not the word I would look for.
Ava:
They will have to live in a total hellscape for a very long time.
Gloria:
Well, I understand why everyone’s drunk now.
Caspar:
What are we supposed to do in this situation?
Gloria:
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything we can do. Damn.
Zebulon:
Gloria, if I may. Tragedy is coming to this planet quite soon. It weighs heavy. And there are all sorts of readings from Noah that I could engage in but perhaps I’ll just say this: What has God given them? What can be used?
Leif:
Time.
Zebulon:
Indeed. They have been given a warning, as did Noah. What can they do with this time and what can we do to help them with it?
Door chime.
Mallory:
Pardon me, I’m looking for a sloshed astrophysicist.
Josh:
Darling! There you are! I’m eating tacos!
Mallory:
I’ll alert the media, Dear.
Josh:
Everyone! This is my wife Mallory Mae the most brilliant astrophysicist in the realm.
Gloria:
Hi.
Mallory:
Hello all, I hope he hasn’t been too much of a burden.
Gloria:
No, it’s fine. I mean, considering everything that’s going on, it’s not surprising.
Mallory:
Josh, can we move along please? I’ve brought the car and I’d like to leave before it’s turned into a burning effigy by you and your friends.
Josh:
Mal, it’s the strangest thing. No one who works here had heard anything about Ashley.
Mallory:
Perhaps they’ve heard nothing about Ashley because there’s nothing to hear about Ashley.
Josh:
Don’t start again.
Mallory:
I’m sorry, all. You’re obviously on my side of this or you wouldn’t be here. No one opens a restaurant when they think they’re going to be obliterated in 14 months.
Caspar:
Your side of this?
Mallory:
Yes.
Leif:
Wait, you’re saying that an asteroid isn’t on a collision course with Earth?
Mallory:
It isn’t.
Josh:
It is.
Mallory:
Can you stop with this?
Josh:
I’ve seen it, Mal. Billions of people have seen it.
Mallory:
And billions of people haven’t. Don’t you think I would need to see it for it to be real?
Josh:
I don’t know why you can’t see it I just know that I can.
Gloria:
Hang on. Is there an asteroid headed for Earth or not?
Josh:
Yes.
Mallory:
No.
Gloria:
Okay. One of you start from the beginning.
Mallory:
Have you really not heard anything about this?
Caspar:
We’ve been on a camping trip.
Mallory:
For eight months?
Caspar:
We got lost.
Gloria:
Your husband told us that you two created an algorithm.
Mallory:
Yes, well, that’s where it started. We created a system where the data from every array on the planet coalesced into one data pool and from that pool we would be better able to identify NEOs. When we first got it up and running, he woke me up one night. “Darling, I’ve got one! I’ve named it Ashley!” Then it all went downhill from there.
Josh:
She couldn’t see it. I showed her an ocean of data and it was like it wasn’t even there. I thought I was losing my mind.
Mallory:
I thought I was losing my mind.
Josh:
We didn’t know what to do so I sent the data to... who did I send the data to first darling?
Mallory:
Curtis Charles, Sr. at SALT.
Josh:
Yes, yes, and Curtis said the same thing. Couldn’t see anything in the data. But then I sent another package to Paul A. Johnson at the GMT. He could see it.
Mallory:
And that began a rabid debate between every observatory in the world.
Josh:
Half of us could see it, half of us couldn’t.
Mallory:
We were split down the middle.
Leif:
Weird shit alert.
Ava:
Um hm.
Mallory:
We had no idea what to do about it. So we all retreated to our respective corners, scratching our heads a bit. Come to find out all those who could see Ashley were meeting secretly online and sharing data. Data that we couldn’t see.
Josh:
We’d been arguing about it so much that we didn’t bother to calculate the trajectory. Once we did, well...
Mallory:
They went wider with their findings and it was the same reaction. Half could see it, half couldn’t.
Josh:
It all went tits up from that moment.
Mallory:
Institutions, then politicians, then world leaders. Half can see Ashley. The other half, like me, can’t see her at all.
Josh:
And I may have cocked it all up a few weeks ago when I went online and told the people of the world that if you can see Ashley to come here to Greenwich so that all who see her can be together.
Leif:
Maybe not the greatest idea.
Josh:
Yes, it involved many more flaming automobiles than I had expected. In my defense I had just recently discovered alcohol.
Mallory:
The whole world’s in chaos now. Half won’t come in to work and the other half don’t understand what on Earth they’re talking about.
Effie:
Psst.
Gloria:
Uh, hang on just one second, okay?... What is it Effie?
Effie:
This is the feeling I was speaking on before. Half doom and destruction and the other half confusion. Nothing but crossed wires.
Caspar:
How can one half of the whole planet see it but not the other?
Gloria:
Do you think this is what we were just talking about? More gravity wave damage?
Caspar:
I mean, who’s right? Are they all about to be obliterated or not?
Ava:
Maybe, but I need to see more. I need to get to their observatory.
Gloria:
Ok.
Leif:
I should probably come.
Gloria:
Actually, Leif you stay here. Whatever you’ve got going on on the roof may be more advanced than what they have. We may need it.
Leif:
Good point.
Gloria:
Do you think they have a system you can hack into or something?
Leif:
For sure.
Gloria:
Okay, Ava and I will go to the observatory, Leif go up to the roof, Caspar’ll stay here and watch the diner.
Ava:
I’m fine by myself.
Gloria:
I’m coming with you
Ava:
Why?
Caspar:
Come on, you’ll go to the observatory and look at an asteroid, it’ll be like a Kate Bush video.
Ava:
Please, no.
Gloria:
Hey, stargazers. We need to take a trip up to your observatory.
Mallory:
Why is that?
Ava:
I need to see your data.
Mallory:
I beg your pardon?
Ava:
I need to see if you’ve made any mistakes.
Mallory:
I beg your pardon again.
Gloria:
Here’s the thing. Ava here is a theoretical physicist who thinks that your problem may not be of the astrophysical variety, it may be more of a... something else problem. We would love to take a look at whatever data you have.
Mallory:
We’ve just met you, why would we let you into our observatory?
Ava:
Because I’m smarter than you-
Gloria:
-Because... because let’s face it. You have no solutions and you have drifted into “crazy idea territory”. Crazy ideas like “let’s let some strangers into the observatory”.
Josh:
I think it sounds lovely darling, I think you should do it.
Mallory:
And you’re the best judge of things, are you?
Josh:
Not at all but you know... stopped clock, twice a day, all that.
Mallory:
Fuck it, let’s go.
Josh:
Good luck!
Mallory:
You’re coming, too, Dudley Moore, pick yourself up.
Josh:
Oh no, darling I can’t. I’ve got a very busy pre-doomsday schedule. Many things I’m excited about.
Mallory:
Josh-
Josh:
This week I’m doing all stereotypically British things. I was going to go on a fox hunt.
Mallory:
You are not going on a fox hunt.
Josh:
I’m going to change my name to Churlington Beesecoat and go on a fox hunt. Talk to stately gentlemen about how we must do something about this Gandhi fellow.
Mallory:
Josh.
Josh:
...Alright, alright, off we go.
The sound of leif’s command center on the roof powering up. Leif is typing on a keyboard.
Leif:
God, I love a command center. I’m so glad Gloria let me set this up. I can get so much done now.
Caspar:
Do you have a long list of guys you’re going to blow up?
Leif:
Still not off that huh?
Caspar:
Oh, I’m going to be on it for a while.
Zebulon:
Leif, how often do things such as this occur?
Leif:
Rocks are hitting the Earth all the time, just not on this scale. You didn’t have any meteors come down in the Arkansas countryside?
Zebulon:
Hmm
Effie:
Hmmmmm
Zebulon:
Jon Dew.
Effie:
Oh my, Jon Dew and his exploding chicken.
Zebulon:
Lost a whole chicken coop and multiple chickens, Jon did.
Effie:
He tried to pluck those chickens and sell them, do you remember that?
Zebulon:
Yes, we were not going to eat any sort of chicken that was murdered by the sky.
Effie:
Absolutely not.
Leif:
It would happen on Earth a lot more but Jupiter is always grabbing them. Earth would look a lot different if Jupiter wasn’t there.
Caspar:
Have you ever seen something like this happen?
Leif:
World killer? No. Most civilizations that are interstellar have deflection systems.
Caspar:
You ever feel like we only exist because of a streak of really good luck?
Leif:
That’s most things, I think.
Effie:
Of course we would call that streak of luck something else, wouldn’t we Caspar?
Caspar:
Okay, Jesus people, please thank Jesus for deflecting the asteroids from Earth for so long.
Zebulon:
That’s exactly what I shall do.
Leif:
Now I’m just picturing Jesus in orbit, deflecting asteroids superman-style.
Caspar:
Put THAT in a stained-glass window.
Leif:
(Typing) Okay. Up on the Royal Observatory’s website... Locating the staff login... Hello Royal Observatory firewall and... goodbye Royal Observatory firewall... Okay let’s see what we can see... Holy Shit.
Mallory, Adam, Ava, and Gloria are in Mallory’s car headed for the observatory. The news is on the radio.
Newscaster:
...The world continues to reel in what is now being referred to as “The Ashley Effect”. Small communities have begun to appear all over the globe made up of those who believe that the world is coming to an end. The most famous of these communities is here in Greenwich, where raucous parties have been raging for a month now. We spoke to the leader of the Greenwich group, Joshua Webster...
Josh:
(On the radio.) Many people have said that this is some sort of outburst of irrational behavior and immaturity and I would simply like to say to them: you are correct. We are all terrified and we are acting like giant children in the face imminent doom-
Mallory turns off the radio.
Josh:
Not my proudest moment. Apologies.
Gloria:
So... How long have you two been married?
Mallory:
Five years.
Josh:
Five was the wood anniversary. I got you salad bowls.
Mallory:
I remember, dear.
Gloria:
How long has he been out here drinking?
Mallory:
About three months now. He’ll be out for several days then come back and we’ll fight about Ashley and then he’ll be off again.
Ava:
Ashley is an odd name for a world-killing asteroid.
Josh:
My intentions were good.
Mallory:
We would talk about having kids one day and we said we wanted a girl and to name her Ashley. He was trying to be sweet.
Gloria:
Jesus, why are so many things on fire?
Josh:
It’s interesting isn’t it? When faced with encroaching doom, people get in touch with their deepest desires. Those things they suppress. Did they all decide to finally tell the people they love how they truly feel? No. Turns out their deepest desire was to incinerate their neighbor’s Peugeot. Strange people, us.
Ava:
So, tell me how this works. You look at the screen and see something and she looks at the screen and sees nothing?
Josh:
That is correct.
Mallory:
And it’s the same globally. People either see it or they don’t.
Ava:
Weird. Anything you haven’t tried?
Mallory:
Flying out past Jupiter and seeing it for ourselves.
Josh:
I’m sorry, did you say you were a theoretical physicist?
Ava:
Yes.
Josh:
Are... Are you Dr. Ava Maddox?
Ava:
I... Yes.
Josh:
Darling, it’s Ava Maddox.
Mallory:
In the back seat of our car?
Josh:
Apparently. I knew I recognized your voice, we listened to your lecture on, what was it, love?
Mallory:
Magnetars. The jokes were quite funny.
Ava:
Thank you.
Josh:
Where have you been? We’d heard you left Cornell for some reason.
Ava:
Yes, I did.
Josh:
Whatever for?
Ava:
Well, I went to New Brunswick, New Jersey and I never came back.
Mallory:
I’ve no idea where that is but could we disappear there and never come back?
Gloria:
Careful what you wish for.
Mallory:
I’ve no idea why you’re here, but I’m grateful for fresh eyes on the problem. Any idea why this could be happening?
Ava:
No idea.
Josh:
Were you subject to the usual shite life of academia as we were? Is that why you left?
Ava:
My colleagues didn’t like the idea of me disproving their theories.
Josh:
Ah! Theory assassination, how dare you? Which theories have you set your crosshairs on?
Ava:
All of them.
Mallory:
Here we are.
They get out of the car.
Gloria:
Oh, “Big Onion”. Now I get it.
Josh:
We may not have the most powerful telescope in the world but we do have the most onion-like telescope in the world.
Gloria:
As a cook, I appreciate this.
Mallory:
My bloody key card isn’t working again.
Josh:
Probably all the power outages. Very hard to keep the lights on when only half of everyone in the world shows up in the morning for work.
Mallory:
Oh, open, you wanker!
Leif:
(In the intercom.) Sorry, my bad. I had to co-opt your security system nose-to-tail. Door’s open now.
Mallory:
Who is that?
Gloria:
That’s Leif. He’s our technology guy.
Mallory:
Why does your cafe have a “technology guy”?
Ava:
Deep fryers.
Gloria:
Thanks, Leif.
Leif:
Get in there. Crazy shit going on.
Gloria:
Fantastic.
They walk into the observatory. Leif has already started up their entire system.
Leif:
Apologies to our new friends. I promise I didn’t look at any personal info, though I did come across the mother load of Blake’s 7 fan fiction from someone named “Sir Cat Dad”.
Josh:
That’s me. Little project of mine.
Leif:
Respect.
Gloria:
What did you find, Leif?
Leif:
I’ll bring it up on the monitors.
Josh:
There it is, that’s all our data.
Gloria:
What am I supposed to see here? I see a bunch of text and numbers.
Leif:
You do? Okay good.
Ava:
I don’t see anything.
Mallory:
Neither do I.
Ava:
Wait, what are you seeing?
Gloria:
I’m seeing a bunch of data on the screen, I guess.
Josh:
As do I.
Ava:
Leif, is that what you’re seeing?
Leif:
Yep.
Caspar:
(In the intercom.) I don’t see anything either, I don’t know what the hell Leif is talking about.
Ava:
What the fuck?
Gloria:
So we’ve got three people seeing it and three people not seeing it.
Mallory:
Well, that’s wonderful.
Ava:
Leif, tell me what I can’t see.
Gloria:
Also tell me what I can see, I don’t understand any of this.
Ava:
There’s nothing there.
Leif:
That’s coordinates, basically. Eccentricity, semi-major axis, mean motion, etcetera.
Gloria:
Anything I can see?
Leif:
The pictures are pretty low-res. It’s not going to look like it does in the movies.
Gloria:
Let me see.
Josh:
There she is, that’s our little mass-murderer.
Mallory:
You can’t see it either?
Ava:
No.
Gloria:
Okay, Leif, I need to look a problem in the eye, is there any way you can get me a better image of this thing?
Caspar:
There’s nothing to get an image of, Gloria.
Gloria:
Hush, Caspar.
Leif:
Not really. There’s nothing to take a picture with.
Ava:
Juno’s out there.
Leif:
Right. Juno. Juno’s pointed at Jupiter though. If I wanted to take a picture of an asteroid from Juno I would need to somehow be out there piloting it myself.
Caspar:
To take a picture of something you don’t even know is there.
Leif:
Schrödinger’s fucking asteroid.
Ava:
I hate this.
Leif:
Ava, any thoughts?
Ava:
Yes, I hate this.
Caspar:
Half of us see nothing, half of us see something, who’s right?
Ava:
Goddamn it.
Mallory:
Fascinating to see you all do a speed run of our arguments for the past several months.
Gloria:
Leif, what about our uh... friends. What are they seeing?
Leif:
Mucklewains, what are you seeing right now?
Caspar:
Mucklewains?
Leif:
Effie? Zebulon?
Caspar:
Shit.
Leif:
The Mucklewains have gone dark.
Gloria:
Where the hell did they get off to?
Ava:
They’ll be back.
Mallory:
Who are your friends?
Gloria:
They’re uh... you know what? One unexplainable thing at a time.
Leif:
What’s our plan of action here?
Gloria:
We don’t have one. Anyone? Come on, no bad ideas?
Caspar:
How about only bad ideas?
Gloria:
Fine, go.
Caspar:
Well, I was thinking, when we got all the zombies into the diner, after spending enough time here they were cured. Somehow the diner washed that man right out of their hair. What if I got a bunch of the rioter-slash-partiers out there to come in here for a while. What if that makes them stop seeing the asteroid?
Gloria:
How are you going to get them in there?
Caspar:
The best way to get anyone to go anywhere, free booze.
Gloria:
Okay, good luck.
Mallory:
What on Earth is he talking about?
Gloria:
We need to give him busy work, he likes to feel included.
Caspar:
I heard that.
Ava:
All of this is infuriating. I need to go think somewhere. Where’s your go thinking place?
Mallory:
How about the equatorial room, that’s where I go.
Ava:
Show me the way.
Gloria:
Caspar, don’t let them destroy the place, okay?
Caspar:
We literally went through a black hole one time.
Gloria:
I’ve been in the food service industry my whole life, Caspar, I have cleaned up puke for the last time.
Caspar:
I’m 173 years old, Gloria, technically I’ve been in the food service industry longer than you.
Gloria:
Then why are you so bad at it?
Caspar:
Fair point.
Josh:
I didn’t vomit in your restaurant did I?
Gloria:
You didn’t.
Josh:
Oh, lovely. An interesting place I’ve found myself in: not remembering if I’ve vomited.
Gloria:
We’ve all been there.
Josh:
I know it may seem ridiculous, seeing as how there’s a asteroid the size of Guam headed for earth, but the worst part of all of this has been her inability to see it.
Gloria:
That does seem ridiculous.
Josh:
We share everything, you see? We should share the end as well.
Gloria:
Josh, look. I don’t see any way out of this situation right now. But do me favor. Call something “the end” when it ends. Not before that.
Josh:
The ever present American optimism.
Gloria:
Hey. That’s Mexican-American optimism.
Josh:
Apologies.
We transition to deep space. he hear the RHYTHMIC beeping of a satellite.
Effie:
Uhhh, Dear?
Zebulon:
... Yes?
Effie:
Where... we are...
Zebulon:
Yes.
Effie:
We are in the heavens.
Zebulon:
Yes.
Effie:
We appear to be circling a celestial body.
Zebulon:
There certainly does not seem to be another explanation for our current whereabouts.
Effie:
It is a very large celestial body.
Zebulon:
I’ve never seen something so large.
Effie:
There is just... nothing around us.
Zebulon:
Nothing save for the very large celestial body we are looking down on.
Effie:
I look to the left of me, I look to the right and there is just... Hoo, that makes me a little dizzy.
Zebulon:
One does become accustomed to ground being under ones feet.
Effie:
We weren’t doing too much walking around but it was nice knowing that the ground was there.
Zebulon:
I am certainly missing its absence.
Effie:
What, pray tell, are we doing here?
Zebulon:
Seems one minute we were talking with our friends and the next...
Effie:
Did someone push the wrong button or some such?
Zebulon:
If so, that was a very wrong button for them to push.
Effie:
... It is so quiet out here.
Zebulon:
A church mouse is a brass band compared to the brand of quietude that we are currently experiencing.
Effie:
... What are we doing out here, Zebulon?
Zebulon:
We must assume it is part of God’s plan, must we not?
Effie:
Any time the Lord would like to send along some instructions with his plans would be just fine by me.
Zebulon:
I’m afraid two stone tablets is all we get.
Effie:
There is nothing in those commandments that accounts for us suddenly being whipped around a big old planet out here in this inky blackness.
Zebulon:
There is not.
Effie:
So...
Zebulon:
So... something should be done.
Effie:
Yes.
Zebulon:
Should we try shouting for help?
We transition back to the roof.
Caspar:
Okay. I’m doing tequila poppers and apps. It’s going to be... honestly I don’t even know what it’s going to be, it’s not going to be pretty. Everyone thinks they’re going to die and I’m giving them MORE alcohol.
Leif:
Sorry I can’t help out, Gloria’s got me on asteroid duty.
Caspar:
Okay, you’re saying if I plug in this monitor downstairs it will show me live info on the asteroid?
Leif:
And if they stop seeing it, that means it worked. Or something.
Caspar:
Okay. Saying a quick prayer that this does not turn into an orgy.
Leif:
Orgies are so awkward, I never know where to look.
Caspar:
Okay... man... seriously? So many things I don’t want to know.
Leif:
Sorry. If it’s any consolation, you do not look like the kind of guy who throws an orgy.
Caspar:
Thank you for that. But also, y’know, a little disappointed in myself.
Leif:
Good luck.
Caspar climbs down the ladder. Leif beings typing code.
Effie:
...Leif.
Leif:
(Still typing.) Hey guys. Where’ve you been?
Zebulon:
We have...
Effie:
We are not currently...
Zebulon:
With you.
Leif:
I mean, you two being in my life has brought up all sorts of existential dilemmas, so when you say to me that you’re not really here my response is: that’s true and what does that even mean?
Zebulon:
Leif, we are not there.
Leif:
I know, but also-
Effie:
Leif, we are very certainly in another place and it is very certainly not with you.
Leif:
What do you mean? You’re talking to me out of a speaker like you always do.
Effie:
Leif, turn around. Is the radio just over yonder?
Leif:
Yes.
Effie:
Are we speaking out of it?
Leif:
... No.
Effie:
Why do you think that is?
Leif:
I don’t know. Wait. Where is it you’re saying you are?
Effie:
... Up.
Leif:
Up. Can you be more specific?
Effie:
Look up.
Leif:
Okay.
Effie:
We’re up there.
Leif:
Are you... you’re saying you’re in space?
Effie:
Yes.
Leif:
Where?
Effie:
Leif.
Zebulon:
There do not appear to be any road signs, Leif.
Effie:
We appear to be inside of some sort of contraption.
Zebulon:
And we are constantly circling some sort of very, very large celestial body.
Leif:
You’re inside a probe?
Effie:
Leif, I don’t know what this thing is called, you may as well call it a canoe.
Leif:
Um. Weird. Okay. Give me something on the planet you’re circling.
Zebulon:
It has an eye.
Leif:
An eye.
Zebulon:
And it is looking at us.
Leif:
Wait. Shit. A red one?
Zebulon:
A very large red one, Leif.
Leif:
Oh my God. Horizontal lines across the whole planet? Huge dust storms?
Zebulon:
Yes!
Leif:
Ha! Fucking amazing. You’re in Juno.
Zebulon:
What is a Juno?
Leif:
It’s a probe, currently in a mission around the planet Jupiter. I was talking about it earlier and it looks like you two just sort of showed up there.
Effie:
Well what the heck are we doing here?
Leif:
Believe it or not, you may be saving the day.
Zebulon:
Oh, well that sounds nice, though it would be nice to save the day and then also to leave this place because, it...
Effie:
We are currently terrified, Leif. We are out here in this big old nothing with our cheeks hanging in the breeze.
Leif:
Okay, just give me a minute, I need to try and track down your frequency. Just so you know I am completely ignoring the fact that a radio signal from Jupiter takes 40 minutes to get here and we are currently talking in real time. Not even going there. That’s growth for me.
Effie:
Cheeks in the breeze, Leif!
Leif:
Okay. Oh, look at that. Look at that... I’ve got full control of this probe. This is great.
Zebulon:
We do not currently feel “great” about any aspect of this, Leif.
Leif:
I’m going to do something, tell me if you feel anything.
Effie:
Like what– OH MY!
Zebulon:
Oh dear!
Effie:
We are turning. I do not like it.
Zebulon:
We are definitely feeling something!
Leif:
Okay, that’s it. It was just a test, I just adjusted your position a little bit.
Effie:
Why did “a little bit” feel like I was getting my soul pulled up out of my body?
Leif:
That’s deep space for you. Nothing like it. I remember my first time. Barnard 68. You think you’re in the inky blackness right now, I should tell you about Barnard 68 some time.
Effie:
Leif, no attempts to make small talk with us please.
Leif:
Sorry. Look, it’s great, somehow you two have sent me the control protocols for the Juno probe. I need to build an interface. Gloria, are you there?
Gloria:
(In the intercom.) Yeah, what?
Leif:
You’re not going to believe this.
We hear the sound of a massive telescope being adjusted.
Mallory:
This was mainly a museum for the longest time until the AMAT was properly set up. Built in the 15th century by Charles II. The Merry Monarch. He was always having a laugh, Charles II. I wonder sometimes if our dome looks like an onion because he thought it would be funny.
Ava:
Are you giving me a tour?
Mallory:
Sorry. When I’m having a think I always ask Josh to distract me so I can come back to what I was thinking about with fresh eyes.
Ava:
Okay... good. Keep going.
Mallory:
Oh. Right. Um... Charles II was the first king to allow women on stage. The most approachable of the monarchs, apparently. Was willing to sit and have a chat with anyone...
Ava:
This is good, this is working.
Mallory:
What are you doing here, Ava?
Ava:
What do you mean?
Mallory:
You know what I mean. You show up in an American style cafe in Greenwich after disappearing suddenly?
Ava:
It’s not disappearing if no one notices.
Mallory:
We noticed. A lot of us did. Rumor was you had revolutionary findings that the establishment rejected. But then you disappeared and never published your findings. You’re a bit of a mythical beast these days. You have a nickname and everything.
Ava:
Is it a good one?
Mallory:
“The Dissapearicist.”
Ava:
Not bad.
Mallory:
If the world wasn’t ending-slash-not ending right now, I’d be telling everyone that Ava Maddox is standing in my equatorial room... What happened?
Ava:
...The Big Bounce Theory. What do you know about it?
Mallory:
Nobody knows anything about it, it’s a nascent theory. I think it’s fascinating but we’re years off from knowing anything.
Ava:
I’m not.
Mallory:
... Really?
Ava:
I had a friend. She was fired for basically being a big mess, and her work was a big mess but it was also brilliant. She was never going to work again so she dumped it all on me. I sifted through it, finished it, and when I got to the end I realized that people should probably stop saying the words “Big Bang”, because the bang is just part of it. The picture is much bigger.
Mallory:
You confirmed the Big Bounce Theory?
Ava:
As much as anyone can confirm anything in theoretics, yes.
Mallory:
And they rejected your findings.
Ava:
Yes.
Mallory:
Why?
Ava:
Name for me a revolutionary idea in science that wasn’t initially rejected.
Mallory:
And so what? You just fucked off to, where was it, New Brunswick, New Jersey?
Ava:
Not at first. The Big Bounce Theory was just the tip of the iceberg.
Mallory:
What is the rest of the iceberg?
Ava:
The Big Bounce Theory, damage to the fabric of space time, and a shifting point of null entropy. That’s the full picture. I’m just trying to weave them together.
Mallory:
And you thought no one would listen to that?
Ava:
I didn’t care if anyone listened. I needed to find out. And then I took a long strange trip to New Brunswick, New Jersy, I met two weirdos named Caspar and Leif, and here I am now. I realize that doesn’t make sense to you, but it does to me. That’s all that matters to me anymore.
Josh:
(On the Public Address System) Hello Darling. Josh here on the Public Address. Don’t fret, though, I am under strict orders from Gloria: she would like you both to come back to the command center, there been some new developments. Also I’ve begun calling our offices “The Command Center.” Also I’ve discovered a bottle of sherry and I deeply apologize for how much of it I’ve drank already.
Mallory:
New developments. Maybe they’re good ones?
Ava:
Who knows?
Mallory:
The Big Bounce, damage to space time, and a shifting point of null entropy. That’s quite a list.
Ava:
That and a woman named Clementine, but that’s another story.
Mallory:
Clementine?
Ava:
Yes.
Mallory:
You know, it’s the funniest thing.
Ava:
What? Wait... A while back you met a woman named Clementine.
Mallory:
We did.
Ava:
And after you met her, everything went nuts.
Mallory:
Actually. Now that you mention it.
Ava:
Goddamnit.
In the “command center.” We hear dance music in the background.
Zebulon:
It’s overwhelming to take it all in like this. The more I look, the more stars I see. Each one its own world with its own horizon. Is there someone like me on that distant star? Someone who looks up and wonders as we did for so long? To think that all this was created- but then so were we dear. To be a part of this great sweep of creation-
Effie:
Dear, there are only so many ruminations on God’s creation that I am built to take in at this moment.
Gloria:
Okay, so Effie and Zebulon somehow ended up in a satellite?
Leif:
Like that’s the weirdest place we’ve found them.
Gloria:
Okay, but why does this help us?
Leif:
I can adjust Juno to take pictures of Ashley the Asteroid. We’ll get a lot better coverage and better data this way. I can target trajectory, check for anomalies. Also, we can check if, y’know, it even exists in the first place.
Gloria:
How much time?
Leif:
I’m processing right now.
Gloria:
Let me know. Caspar, how is Operation: Idiotic going?
Caspar:
Gloria, I may have been a little over-confidant after my stupid idea worked so well with the shopzies.
Gloria:
We’re not calling them that.
Caspar:
The entire inside of the diner has turned into a scene from Fellini Satyricon, I don’t know how I’m going to get them out of there now.
Josh:
Forgive me but, who are Effie and Zebulon?
Door swings open.
Ava:
Fucking Clementine.
Gloria:
She’s here?
Ava:
No, but she was. Tell them.
Mallory:
Well, I was just telling Ava about an interesting woman we encountered, do you remember Clementine dear?
Josh:
Oh yes, Clementine. I remember Clementine. It was the name that struck us, wasn’t it, dear?
Mallory:
We were down at the pub and she approached us out of nowhere. American girl, very strange.
Josh:
VERY strange. Had all manner of knowledge about Weimar Berlin but didn’t know what a coaster was.
Mallory:
She came up to our table and started chatting us up. As soon as we told her what we do, told her about near earth objects and how we like to hunt them down, she latched onto us like she was a barnacle and we were a humpback.
Josh:
Question after question after question. Wanted to know everything about asteroids and how we find them and especially interested in world-killers.
Mallory:
We were there for hours.
Josh:
That night when we came home was when we dreamt up the algorithm.
Mallory:
What does she have to do with any of this?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Josh:
There was one bit, probably nothing.
Ava:
What?
Josh:
It was late at night when I discovered Ashley. I wasn’t looking for a near earth object, I was actually looking for nothing. I was calibrating the system by first seeing what nothing looks like. So I observed an area of space where I knew there was nothing. Then, in that blank space in that sky, suddenly I saw Ashley.
Ava:
She’s doing this.
Gloria:
How?
Mallory:
What do you mean?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Leif:
She made a world-killing asteroid that can only been seen by half of Earth, why would she do that?
Josh:
I’m sorry, we’re saying this woman has some sort of magical powers?
Ava:
She wouldn’t do it on purpose.
Gloria:
She did it without knowing she was doing it?
Ava:
Jesus Christ.
Mallory:
I’m very confused at this moment.
Ava:
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Gloria:
Ava?
Ava:
Hang on... Hang on... Okay, for the first time in my life, I hope I’m wrong.
Gloria:
What’s wrong?
Ava:
Leif, you’ve been scanning every universe we go to, right?
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Are you done with this one?
Leif:
Yeah, it’s ready.
Ava:
Put it up on one of the monitors here.
Leif:
Sending it.
Mallory:
Every universe? What are you talking about?
Ava:
I promise I’ll answer all your questions later, okay? Right now I just need you to go with me.
Josh:
It’s exciting, dear, let’s go with her.
Mallory:
Go on, then.
Ava:
You’re both astrophysicists, you’ve probably looked at the cosmic microwave background a million times, right?
Mallory:
Yes.
Ava:
You know what it looks like?
Josh:
It used to be my screensaver.
Ava:
Okay. Leif?
Leif:
It’s up.
Ava:
Both of you, look at this. What do you see?
Mallory:
That’s the cosmic microwave background.
Josh:
No it isn’t.
Mallory:
What?
Josh:
That’s not the cosmic microwave background, Dear. It’s A cosmic microwave background but it’s not ours. Look, there’s this bit here, that’s new. There’s a little part here that looks like Spongebob, hello Spongebob.
Mallory:
I don’t see any of that, what are you looking at?
Josh:
I’m looking at what you’re looking at.
Mallory:
God, it’s happening again.
Ava:
Holy shit.
Gloria:
What’s going on, Ava?
Ava:
I showed them both a map of their universe. They’re seeing two different universes.
Gloria:
But they’re in the same place.
Ava:
I know.
Gloria:
How is that possible?
Ava:
It’s not... I think Clementine... I can’t believe I’m saying this... I think Clementine has taken two universes and crammed them together.
Gloria:
Crammed them together?
Leif:
That’s impossible.
Ava:
Yes, I know.
Leif:
She can’t do that.
Ava:
Yes, I know.
Mallory:
You’re saying this strange woman we met has done this?
Ava:
Yes, I am.
Mallory:
That’s ludicrous.
Ava:
Yes, it is.
Josh:
I also think that’s ludicrous and I’m completely pissed.
Mallory:
How... how would she even do that?
Ava:
I don’t know. And I don’t think she knows either.
Gloria:
This was an accident?
Ava:
What logical reason would she have to do this?
Gloria:
Ava, how can two universes exist in the same place?
Ava:
They can’t! This is what I’m trying to tell you. She’s breaking things. She’s... unraveling everything.
Leif:
You’re sure it’s not on purpose?
Effie:
If I may just chime in while we are dangling out here in the beyond?
Gloria:
What is it Effie?
Josh:
There’s that voice again, there’s mystery voices coming from somewhere, Darling.
Mallory:
At what point should I stop asking questions and just let this complete nonsense wash over me?
Gloria:
Right about now.
Mallory:
Very well.
Effie:
Gloria, this woman was afraid and angry but she had plans she was working on. This doesn’t appear to be part of any plan.
Zebulon:
Yes, and though she appears to be more powerful than anything we’ve encountered, everything in her comportment showed her to be human. Like us. If any of us were given this power, would we be so adept at using it? Would we not make mistakes?
Gloria:
We’re talking about a lot here, we need to stick a pin in most of it and focus on the problem.
Leif:
Big rock.
Gloria:
BIG rock.
Ava:
Not small.
Effie:
Might we add “getting Effie and Zebulon out of this contraption” to this list?
Gloria:
Sorry, that too.
Josh:
Sorry all but... are you saying there’s nothing wrong with me? Nothing wrong with half of the planet?
Ava:
No, there isn’t. Everyone on Earth has been put in a LITERALLY impossible position. In 14 months an asteroid is going to hit the planet and cause massive destruction. But it will only happen to half of you.
Mallory:
That doesn’t-
Ava:
I know it doesn’t make any sense.
Josh:
So Mallory and myself could be standing at ground zero for this asteroid strike and I will be completely disintegrated while she just stands there wondering where I went?
Ava:
Yes.
Josh:
How are we meant to function in a world like that?
Gloria:
We don’t know.
Caspar:
Okay, I’m back. The party has dispersed downstairs. Someone brought in a live sheep and threw the whole vibe off. Apparently there are some things that are even too weird for the apocalypse. In a nutshell: experiment failed. What are we talking about?
Gloria:
Turns out there is and isn’t an asteroid.
Caspar:
What?
Gloria:
It’s looking like Clementine has somehow crashed two realities together. For half the planet the asteroid is coming, for the other half it isn’t coming.
Caspar:
So both things are happening-slash-not happening?
Gloria:
Yes.
Caspar:
I bet Ava loves this.
Ava:
Shut up.
Caspar:
So what are we doing now? Can we do anything?
Leif:
Hang on, I’ve got data coming in... Okay. Nice work, Mucklewains.
Effie:
We’re just sitting here, Leif.
Leif:
I’ve got eyes on Ashley and you’re not going to believe this.
Gloria:
Send it here.
Leif:
Check it out...
Gloria:
Wait...
Leif:
It’s not one asteroid it’s two smaller asteroids. They’re rotating around each other in such close proximity that they look like one asteroid from far away.
Josh:
Darling, it’s twins!
Gloria:
Okay, that’s interesting but isn’t that the same amount of destruction as one big one?
Leif:
Uh. Yes.
Gloria:
Great work, Leif.
Leif:
But... BUT now we have something to work with, don’t we asteroid experts?
Mallory:
Centrifugal force?
Leif:
That’s right. The Mucklewains have given me control of the Juno probe. And guess what Juno has?
Josh:
A thruster?
Leif:
That’s right.
Josh:
Juno has to dip in and out of Jupiter’s obit to avoid getting singed by radiation, so it has a heavy thruster on it.
Caspar:
Hang on. Are we ramming the Mucklewains into an asteroid, because that would be funny.
Leif:
This is what I’m thinking.
Effie:
Leif, not in one million of the Lord’s years are you going to treat us like some sort of celestial cue ball to be hit with your stick!
Leif:
It’ll be fine.
Josh:
I say it’s a fine idea, but calculations such as those would take years.
Leif:
Don’t worry about it.
Gloria:
You want to ram an asteroid with the Mucklewains?
Zebulon:
To say I have objections would be perhaps understating it a bit.
Leif:
Gloria, look, if we did this we can cut the destruction in half. It would still be an epic disaster, but if I can push one of these asteroids out of the way, that may contain the damage to one quarter of the globe.
Gloria:
Destroying one quarter of the globe is good news?
Leif:
In this scenario? Yes.
Zebulon:
We are to be turned into some sort of battering ram?
Gloria:
What’s going to happen to Effie and Zebulon?
Leif:
My guess is they’ll be fine.
Effie:
Oh, your guess? You’re just going to embrace wild speculation when it comes to our well-being?
Leif:
Hey, you got yourselves out there, I’m sure you can get yourselves back.
Effie:
Don’t talk to me like you know what you’re talking about, Leif.
Leif:
I’m working with what I’ve got here.
Zebulon:
Dear, I believe what Leif is trying to tell us, is that if we do this, lives will be saved. Is that right, Leif?
Leif:
The damage can be cut in half if we give one of these asteroids a shove at the right time.
Effie:
Aw, snails!... Alright, Leif. Load us into your cannon and fire us across the circus tent.
Leif:
Starting calculations.
Gloria:
Is this really going to work, Leif?
Leif:
Slamming a probe into a space rock? That’s where I live.
Caspar:
The best part about this, is that Josh and Mallory are across the room right now and have no idea what the hell is going on.
Mallory:
Hello.
Josh:
It’s true I have no idea what on Earth is happening but I am suddenly feeling strangely hopeful.
Mallory:
I’m just feeling strange.
Gloria:
So, Leif, assuming this works, what kind of destruction are we looking at now?
Leif:
If I pull this off we go from world-killing asteroid to really terrible global crisis asteroid.
Gloria:
That doesn’t sound much better.
Leif:
No, trust me, it is. Planets can take a pretty big punch without losing atmosphere. If they can manage to evacuate the area of the globe the asteroid’s going to hit, they might come out okay for the most part. It’ll be several years of tough times, but they can get through it.
Gloria:
Okay, that’s the next thing, we need to know where it’s going to hit.
Mallory:
Those kind of calculations are nearly impossible-
Leif:
Got it right here.
Josh:
Who is this man?
Leif:
Western Australia.
Mallory:
Lord... There goes that trip to the outback we were going to take.
Leif:
As asteroid strikes go, it could be worse. I was hoping for the south Atlantic but, Western Australia’s got a lot of open space. Not much population to evacuate.
Josh:
But the aftermath.
Leif:
Yeah. I’m guessing three years of winter for the whole planet and a whole lot of environmental repercussions.
Gloria:
But only for half of the planet?
Leif:
Yeah. In this strange new world that Clementine has created, this is only going to happen for half the population.
Gloria:
What is that even going to look like?
Leif:
No idea.
Ava:
I’ve got some ideas. Leif should get going with the Mucklewains, we’ll do the other stuff.
Gloria:
Okay. Effie, Zebulon, we love you very much. Please remember that as Leif launches you head first into a real big rock.
Effie:
I feel at times that our Christian inclination for forgiveness is being taken advantage of.
Gloria:
It definitely is. Good luck.
Leif:
I’m going to sign off. I’ll let you know when we’re ready to launch.
We move back to the roof of the diner.
Leif:
Okay, team. Let play asteroid snooker.
Effie:
Leif, I know your intentions are good but I must tell you that I have never wanted to whup someone so badly as I do now.
Leif:
I validate your feelings.
Caspar:
Petition to start calling them The Misslewains?
Zebulon:
Petition denied.
Leif:
Hang on tight, you two. I’m going to have to adjust your position a little bit. You’re going to be turning away from Jupiter and into deep space. Are you ready?
Effie:
Of course we’re not ready.
Zebulon:
Take my hand, dear.
Leif:
Here we go, just a gentle turn.
We hear correction thrusters firing on the probe.
Effie:
Lord lord lord lord lord lord lord lord.
Leif:
Okay, that’s it. How does that feel?
Effie:
Real damn bad, excuse my language!
Zebulon:
I now miss facing the planet with the large eye.
Leif:
Okay. Hang there for a few minutes, I need to check fuel levels.
Caspar:
Effie, I’m not going to lie and say I’m not enjoying this but I want you to know I am enjoying it less than you think I am.
Effie:
Caspar I can sense that smug look on your face and HOO BOY.
Leif:
Okay. I am beginning the countdown...
Back at the equatorial room, mallory adjusts the telescope.
Josh:
There you are.
Mallory:
It’s a clear night. I thought I would adjust the scope and see if I can get a look at her... I suppose now it’s “them”.
Josh:
You can’t see them, love.
Mallory:
I know... Do you understand anything that’s happening right now?
Josh:
Not at all.
Mallory:
You seem to be taking it much better than I am.
Josh:
I know I am, dear. But that’s only because I’m still quite inebriated.
Mallory:
Are they really going to smash the Juno Probe into an asteroid that only half of Earth can see?
Josh:
I believe they are. The strangest part is that they appear to do this sort of thing all the time.
Mallory:
And who are they exactly?
Josh:
I’ve no idea. But I’m glad they’re here. Do you think it’s all madness?
Mallory:
It’s been madness since you discovered Ashley. The world’s been torn apart. Whoever these Americans are, they’ve told us that the madness is real. It’s not in our heads. At least there’s that.
Josh:
And that it all has something to do with an odd woman we met at the pub?
Mallory:
Do you understand why I’m going along with all this?
Josh:
Because we’ve no options.
Mallory:
Because it’s been torture, Joshua. To suddenly be living in two different worlds has been torture.
Josh:
Well you don’t want to be living in my world. There’s a large asteroid headed for my world.
Mallory:
I’d prefer that world. Do you understand that? I’d prefer to be in a dying world with you than a thriving one without you... Not to make it an Adele song but that’s truly how I feel.
Josh:
I feel they same, Mal. Truly. But even after all the nonsense that’s gone on today I still don’t know what to do about it.
Gloria:
Hey, you two.
Ava:
Let’s do a quick experiment.
Josh:
Do you need to strap me to anything?
Ava:
No. Here, take this notepad and this pencil.
Josh:
Very well.
Ava:
In the notepad, I want you to draw a picture of Ashley from memory, or both Ashleys I guess, since there’s two of them now.
Josh:
Why am I doing this?
Ava:
I’m trying to see something.
Josh:
Seeing something. Right. Luckily I have superior drawing skills. Here we go.
Josh sketches in the sketch book.
Josh:
One of them is quite fat in the middle while the other one has a bit of a curve to it. Big crater right in the middle of the fat one. And there are some meteoroids traveling along with them, bits a pieces... There we are.
Ava:
Great. Now show it to Mallory.
Josh:
Here they are, Dear. It’s our girls. Aren’t they lovely?
Ava:
Mallory, can you see that?
Mallory:
I can see them.
Ava:
Good... Okay, great.
Mallory:
What does that mean?
Ava:
There’s been a firewall up between the two of you. You’ve been occupying the same physical space but perceiving different ones. You can’t see his world, but he can show it to you. It’s not completely obscured to you. He can show you what is happening, he can communicate it to you.
Mallory:
Why is that important?
Ava:
Because your world can’t exist like this. Eventually the universe is going to try to right itself, and what will help that is communication. Contact between two worlds. If you keep that up, I think eventually you can be living in the same world again.
Gloria:
You know, I’ve never been a fan of marriage. For me it’s like: marriage is great. But for you. You go do it and I’ll be over here. I like that it’s around but it’s not for me. Like skydiving. That looks like fun, for you. I will watch the video of you doing it and feel just fine about not doing it. But, my old sous chef Cesar is married and has a ton of kids. Him and his wife fight all the time about everything. But it’s part of their relationship, like I don’t know what they would do if they weren’t fighting. And sometimes when they’re on the opposite ends of an argument I wonder if they even live in the same world. I don’t know, I don’t think we’re ever in the same world as someone else, no matter how close you are. There’s always this big space between you. You can’t be inside someone else’s head, so you need to tell people what’s going on in your world. Josh is about to go through a lot. His world is going to get very dark and there’s not going to be anything you can do about it, except listen to him.
Ava:
After this thing hits, the sun’s not coming out for three years, Josh. For years half the people on this planet will be struggling to survive while the other half looks at them like they’re crazy. I wish I could describe it better than that but I honestly have no idea what it’s going to look like. We’re in uncharted territory.
Gloria:
So you’re going to have to keep talking to each other. You’re going to have to try and understand each other even though you can’t understand each other, understand?
Mallory:
I think so.
Josh:
What should we do now?
Gloria:
You’re going to need to get the word out. You work here so people will listen to you. You need to warn everyone that what’s left of Ashley is coming down in Western Australia.
Ava:
Leif is leaving you with all of the information you need to prove it. Just get it all out there and warn people. Things’ll start moving pretty quickly after that.
Gloria:
But before that... Come on back to the diner. We’re going to launch a couple of our friends at an asteroid.
Ava:
Woo-hoo!
In the diner parking lot. Leif is fussing with some technology.
Mallory:
... You will tell me, won’t you? When the sky gets dark for you? When the world gets too cold? I won’t be able to feel it but I promise I’ll believe you.
Josh:
Of course I will.
Mallory:
... And do you think it’s possible that we’ve actually hallucinated this entire encounter with an American cafe that happened to house a physicist who’d been missing for years and her strange friends?
Josh:
It certainly sounds like a hallucination. But I have enjoyed hallucinating it together.
Mallory:
I as well.
Caspar:
Folks, it’s a beautiful day here at Cape Canaveral where everyone is waiting with anticipation for us to launch these two old-timey Baptists into a space rock the size Wilmington, Delaware.
Effie:
You get a little too much pleasure launching your friends into the great beyond, you know that Caspar?
Caspar:
Too soon, Effie.
Ava:
For what it’s worth, my scientific opinion is that you’re both going to be fine.
Caspar:
It’s also my former municipal worker opinion that you’re going to be fine.
Effie:
I’ll leave one and take the other, thank you very much.
Josh:
Why are we in your car park?
Ava:
You’ll see.
Leif:
Let’s give them a countdown.
Gloria:
Good luck, you two.
Leif:
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5-
Zebulon:
...And upon this rock...
Leif:
4, 3, 2, 1, ignition!
Zebulon:
...I shall build my chuuuuuuuuuu-
Effie and zebulon suddenly start talking through the radio again.
Zebulon:
- uuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrch... Oh.
Effie:
Oh.
Zebulon:
Looks like we just popped back into the radio, didn’t we dear?
Effie:
Solid ground at last.
Caspar:
You guys don’t even have feet.
Mallory:
What did I just witness?
Leif:
The Juno probe is on its way to Ashley 2. Should rendezvous in about a month and begin pushing it off course. The rest is up to you two.
Mallory:
We’ll do everything we can.
Josh:
Why are you speaking to us as if you’re about to shove off on a boat or something?
Leif:
Almost time, Ava.
Ava:
You two, come over here. Stand right here just off the parking lot.
Mallory:
Why are we doing that?
The diner begins to power up.
Ava:
Good luck you two. It’s going to be a lot but I think we left you better than we found you.
Mallory:
You definitely did but, what exactly is happening?
Ava:
Mallory you were asking what happened to me. You said that people were calling me The Disappearacist. They’re not wrong. I’m on a whole other level now.
With a loud crack, the diner disappears. Mallory and Josh are stunned.
Josh:
The...
Mallory:
I...
Josh:
The... Cafe has vanished. Dear, the cafe has vanished.
Mallory:
How...
Josh:
You saw it as well, yes?
Mallory:
I... did.
Josh:
So... not a hallucination, then.
Mallory:
It appears not.
Josh:
... Are you in shock, Dear?
Mallory:
I... believe so.
Josh:
...
Mallory:
...
Josh:
This may take some time to process.
Mallory:
... Agreed.
Josh:
Suggested course of action?
Mallory:
... Please take me to one of the pubs that has not been destroyed and buy me many drinks. I’ve you to catch up with, it may take some time.
Josh:
Course of action agreed upon. Love you, Dear.
Mallory:
And I you.
Josh:
Off we go, then.
The sound of the diner rushing through space and time. Gloria is in the parking lot. ava walks out.
Ava:
Hi.
Gloria:
Hi.
Ava:
...
Gloria:
...
Ava:
I know we left on a positive note, but the chances of two astrophysicists convincing all of Western Australia to evacuate are pretty slim.
Gloria:
I know.
Ava:
It’s entirely possible that there wasn’t an asteroid in either of their universes until she heard two people talking about an asteroid hitting the Earth.
Gloria:
I know.
Ava:
...
Gloria:
We need to stop this woman.
Ava:
... I know.
The end