Young Leif Part 2: Nancy - Midnight Burger

Young Leif

Part 2: Nancy

A bar on Trusk. A comms panel rings.

Dez:

Muskie… Yeah I speak English… uh-huh… uh-huh… yeah he’s here… he’s been here for a while, told me to keep it open ended… yeah sure, I can tell him.

A small explosion somewhere in the building.

Dez:

That was an explosion… yeah it happens sometimes, he told us there’d be some noise… honestly not the weirdest thing I’ve heard up there… okay… sure no problem.

Footsteps on the stairs.

Dez:

Hey Leif… Leif you look a little blown up there. I mean, I don’t want to make assumptions but I heard an explosion and now you’ve come down the stairs looking a little sooty so I feel like-

Leif:

Today’s test did not go as planned.

Dez:

Well I hope not because if it was a success then that means you’re making a bomb which is strictly against house rules.

Leif:

I was not making a bomb.

Dez:

Okay, good. What are you making?

Leif:

Just working on some things. Won’t happen again.

Dez:

Hey, my Dad wants to ask you something, hang on… Pashka?

Muffled sounds of Dez’s dad asking a question.

Dez:

Right. Yeah, he wants to know if you think Miles and Daphne are ever going to get together.

Leif:

Who?

Dez:

You don’t watch Frasier?

Leif:

What is Frasier?

Dez:

It’s an Earth show.

Leif:

I don’t watch it.

More muffled questions.

Dez:

He says he wants you to watch it because he wants you to explain what a psychiatrist is.

Leif:

You don’t have psychiatrists on Trusk?

Dez:

I don’t know, what’s a psychiatrist?

Leif:

It’s someone you talk to about your problems.

Dez:

Like a friend?

Leif:

Kind of, but you pay them.

Dez:

What kind of friend charges you to talk about your problems?

Leif:

I know, it’s weird.

Dez:

And why are they on the radio?

Leif:

They’re not all on the radio.

Dez:

How come?

Leif:

I don’t know, some people like to be publicly miserable.

Dez:

Your planet’s weird, man.

Leif:

I know. Can I get a beer?

Dez:

Yeah, Dad’s making Porsk. You want some?

Leif:

What is Porsk?

Dez:

Root pie.

Leif:

How do you guys get so big eating only plants?

Dez:

How big is a cow?

Leif:

Good point.

Dez:

Hey, somebody called for you.

Leif:

What?

Dez:

Somebody named BertBert?

Leif:

Shit.

Alice:

I told you.

Dez:

She said she’s been calling you.

Alice:

She has been calling you and you’re being rude.

Dez:

You should listen to Alice.

Alice:

Thank you, Dez.

Leif:

Alice is an algorithm, I don’t have to listen to her.

Alice:

Hey, I can call myself an algorithm, not you.

Leif:

How the hell did she track me down?

Dez:

I don’t know. Did she know you were on Trusk?

Leif:

Yeah.

Dez:

Guess that’s how. Is that your lady?

Leif:

No, she’s just someone I met.

Dez:

Well, she’s on her way.

Leif:

Great.

Dez:

Do you owe her money or something?

Leif:

No. Do you ever avoid calling someone back until you have good news to talk about?

Dez:

No.

Leif:

Well, that’s what I’m doing.

Dez:

Looks like it didn’t work.

Leif:

She’s from Sigius. Do you know anyone from Sigius?

Dez:

Shit, really?

Leif:

Yeah.

Dez:

I don’t mess with Sigians, man, they make me uncomfortable.

Leif:

Right?

Dez:

It’s like they’re always watching me.

Leif:

Thank you.

Dez:

At the same time, if somebody’s calling you repeatedly, y’know?

Leif:

I know.

Lights buzz and flicker.

Leif:

… Hey… when the lights flicker like that, what does it mean?

Dez:

I thought you were an engineer.

Leif:

Dez, c’mon.

Dez:

Crappy power grid. When the hydro station has to switch over to backup power it get a little wobbly.

Leif:

Shit… shit.

Dez:

What?

Leif:

That’s the problem.

Dez:

I mean, it’s not a big problem.

Leif:

I don’t have a consistent energy source.

Dez:

What?

Leif:

I need a big battery.

Dez:

How big?

Leif:

I don’t know, I don’t know how you measure energy on this planet.

Dez:

Like, size wise?

Leif:

Big. As big as my backpack.

Dez:

You can try around the corner, there’s a scrapper who’s always tearing something apart. He’s got stuff all over the place.

Leif:

Perfect, I’ll be back.

Dez:

What about your friend?

Leif:

Right, when she gets here just show her up to my room, okay?

Dez:

Okay.

Footsteps walking down the hall. Sound of welding can be heard through the door. Knocking on the door. Welding stops.

Bertbert:

Leif?

Door slides open.

Leif:

Hey.

Bertbert:

Hello.

Leif:

Fancy meeting you here.

Bertbert:

Yeah, I’ve been calling you.

Leif:

Sorry, I was in the middle of a project, I get weird in the middle of projects.

Bertbert:

Okay.

Leif:

Just happened to be in the neighborhood, huh?

Bertbert:

Yes. So I thought I would check in.

Leif:

That’s sweet of you. No information gathering anymore?

Bertbert:

Leif, I’m serious, I don’t have an ulterior motive, I was just checking in.

Leif:

I’m sure. Come in.

Bertbert:

Okay… your place is a mess.

Leif:

It is.

Bertbert:

So are you, what’s going on?

Leif:

I told you, I was in the middle of a project.

Bertbert:

Yeah, Leif, I thought you were going to travel around for a while. I thought Trusk was just your first stop.

Leif:

It was going to be.

Bertbert:

What happened? You’ve been here for months.

Leif:

Have I? That’s something I have to figure out. How do you guys keep track of time? If you’re hopping from planet to planet, how do you even know when things are happening? Is there a Greenwich Mean Time for The Triad or something?

Bertbert:

No, we just kind of roll with it.

Leif:

Okay. Well, anyway I’ve been here. Alice, how many Earth months have I been here?

Alice:

Fourteen. Hi, BertBert.

Bertbert:

Hey, Alice.

Leif:

Whoops. I’ve been here over a year. Alice who won the World Series?

Alice:

The Atlanta Braves.

Leif:

Damn, really? Against who?

Alice:

The Cleveland Indians.

Leif:

Oh okay. I didn’t have a dog in that fight.

Bertbert:

Leif-

Leif:

How have you been?

Bertbert:

Fine.

Leif:

How’s the spy game?

Bertbert:

I’m not a spy, I’m a journalist.

Leif:

I feel like if you’re a journalist but you don’t tell people you are when you meet them, that just makes you a spy.

Bertbert:

Agree to disagree. Leif what’s going on in here? It’s a mess and it looks like the room of a psychopath, you have equations written on the wall.

Leif:

As I said, I’ve been in the middle of a project.

Bertbert:

Do I want to know what this project is?

A device clicks on and hums into being. Everything in the room seems to shake for a moment.

Bertbert:

Whoa. What’s happening? What is this?

Leif:

This is 1 G. Earth gravity.

Bertbert:

… You made a gravity simulator?

Leif:

… When I left you on Sirius and got on that ship, I couldn’t stop counting all the things I couldn’t understand. The lack of inertia on the ship, what kind of fuel were they using, were they even using fuel, the wormhole, the life support, the list went on and on. I wanted to see a lot of things in these galaxies of yours but I know how I am. I wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything until I knew how everything worked.

Bertbert:

Everything?

Leif:

Yeah. Luckily you provided me with a magical rectangle that can bring me all the information I need.

Alice:

That’s me!

Leif:

So I got off the ship here on Trusk, rented a room above a bar and I started reading.

Bertbert:

Reading what?

Leif:

Everything... Then after several months of that I needed to build something. So I made this.

Bertbert:

A gravity simulator?

Leif:

Yep.

Bertbert:

From scratch?

Leif:

Wasn't so hard.

Bertbert:

So when you were bragging about being one of the smartest people on your planet…

Leif:

I don’t brag, BertBert… What do you think of Earth gravity?

Bertbert:

It’s… nice. Bouncy.

Leif:

There’s more gravity on your planet?

Bertbert:

Oh yeah. A lot more.

Leif:

That explains that muscular frame of yours.

Bertbert:

What the fuck is “muscular frame” supposed to mean?

Leif:

We should go out tonight. Celebrate. What are you doing tonight?

Bertbert:

I came here because I thought you were dead. I have no other plans.

Leif:

I’ve been here a year and I don’t even know what happens here. What happens on Trusk?

Bertbert:

Uh, shipyards mostly. Truskans are really good at making ships.

Leif:

Ships. I want a ship.

Bertbert:

Leif, you don’t know how to pilot a ship.

Leif:

I figured this out didn’t I?

Bertbert:

Ships are expensive. And a lot of work.

Leif:

But I could give it a cool name.

Bertbert:

Then there’s the licensing and don’t even get me started on the TedTube fees.

Leif:

But I could give it a cool name.

Dez:

Hey Leif?

Leif:

Dez, come in! This is BertBert.

Dez:

Yeah, we met downstairs. Leif, everything in the kitchen is hovering.

Leif:

Oh shit. Sorry. Just a few more minutes okay? Feels like home up here. Hey! Dez, we’re going out tonight.

Dez:

We are?

Leif:

What do Truskans do for fun around here?

Dez:

Uh, there’s a Groogy tonight, we could go to that.

Leif:

What is that?

Dez:

Contestants show up with cannons they make at home. Then there’s eight slabs of marble. Who ever can shoot through the most slabs of marble with their home made canon wins.

Leif:

Oh my God.

Dez:

What?

Leif:

It’s a potato gun contest?

Bertbert:

What’s a potato gun?

Leif:

It’s a homemade gun. It shoots potatoes.

Dez:

Why would anyone do that to a potato?

Leif:

How often does this happen?

Dez:

Any time the scrap center has a prize they can give away.

Leif:

What’s the prize?

Bertbert:

Don’t say it.

Dez:

A ship.

Leif:

… How much time do I have?

A raucous crowd of Truskans. The buzz of a PA system.

Announcer:

(Alien language.)

Dez:

Do you want to know what he’s saying?

Bertbert:

I think I get the gist.

Dez:

This is going to be weird. I don’t think an alien’s ever competed in a Groogy before.

Bertbert:

They don’t do anything bad to the losers do they?

Dez:

We shame them endlessly, I feel like Leif’s going to be okay with that.

Bertbert:

Yeah, he’ll be fine.

Dez:

… So you seem nice.

Bertbert:

Thanks?

Dez:

Sorry. The Sigians I’ve met have all been really intense.

Bertbert:

Yeah, I know. We pride ourselves on being difficult.

Dez:

Yeah, why is that?

Bertbert:

It’s our thing. Building starships is your thing, being difficult is our thing.

Dez:

We build starships because people need starships. Why do people need you to be difficult?

Bertbert:

People don’t need us to be difficult but people need… “The worst things are always hidden.” That’s what we say on Sigius. Truly evil things are rarely obvious, you have to dig them up. So you have to be a pain in the ass. Don’t take things at face value. If you don’t, they can get so deep into your life that you can’t get rid of them.

Dez:

Okay. See, that makes sense. How come Sigians never just say that?

Bertbert:

Because we’re also arrogant pricks.

Dez:

I see.

Bertbert:

So how come you don’t work in the ship yards?

Dez:

There’s two honorable professions on Trusk. Working in the ship yards or working at the place where everyone goes to drink after working in the ship yards.

Bertbert:

I see.

The crowd begins to cheer. We hear huge metal wheels squeaking.

Dez:

Here comes one.

Bertbert:

That is a huge canon.

Dez:

That’s actually average size.

Bertbert:

You make these for fun?

Dez:

It’s tradition.

Announcer:

(Alien language.)

The announcer counts down from three in truskan and then the canon fires a huge round. The crowd goes wild.

Bertbert:

That was so loud!

Dez:

That was a good one, he went through three slabs.

Bertbert:

How do you win?

Dez:

Someone’s got to beat three slabs.

The crowd suddenly goes quiet.

Bertbert:

What’s happening?

Dez:

I think our guy is up.

Small wheels squeak across the floor.

Dez:

There he is.

Bertbert:

That’s what he built?

Dez:

Looks a little on the small end.

Bertbert:

This is ridiculous.

Dez:

No, Leif don’t grab the mic, don’t grab the mic.

Mic feedback.

Leif:

(Into the microphone.) Hey everyone. Great to be here. Thanks for letting me complete tonight. This has been a lot of fun.

The crowd starts laughing at him.

Bertbert:

Oh no.

Dez:

This is a little embarrassing.

Leif:

Okay, here I go.

Leif’s cannon begins to fire up. the power continues to increase exponentially and it begins to transform into a much bigger cannon.

Dez:

What the hell?

Bertbert:

What is that?

Leif’s cannon unleashes a massive beam of energy, obliterating all of the marble slabs. the crowd is stunned.

Dez:

Well, now.

Bertbert:

Holy shit.

Leif:

Did I win?

The crowd goes wild. the sound of the crowd fades out and then we hear the sound of a metal door creaking open and echoing through an empty ship.

Leif:

Okay. Here it is.

Bertbert:

Lovely.

Dez:

I suppose I should’ve mentioned that that ship you win may not be a working ship.

Leif:

It’s fine.

Bertbert:

It’s a total wreck, Leif.

Leif:

It’s a diamond in the rough.

Dez:

In its day this was a really nice light cruiser. They don’t make them like this anymore.

Bertbert:

Yeah, it’s a real marvel of engineering.

Leif:

What should I do first?

Dez:

Not to be anticlimactic but I should probably go get a broom. It’s a mess in here.

Leif:

Good thinking.

Bertbert:

I’m getting a very strong sense that something may be living in here.

Leif:

Something is living in here.

Bertbert:

You can’t live in here.

Leif:

Oh I am definitely living in here.

Bertbert:

Leif.

Leif:

Hey, remember when you told me The Triad was going to eat me alive? How’m I doing? I made gravity today. I won a spaceship in a homemade cannon competition. I feel like I’m doing pretty well.

Bertbert:

… Fine. Take your Tangle and put it in that slot on the control panel.

Leif:

Why?

Bertbert:

Because that’s how it works.

Leif:

Okay.

Parts of the ship slowly come to life.

Alice:

Um. I feel dirty.

Bertbert:

Guess what, Alice? Leif got a new ship.

Alice:

Can we talk about the word “new”?

Leif:

What do you think, Alice?

Alice:

It’s a great ship.

Leif:

See?

Alice:

…Is what they would’ve said 50 years ago about this ship.

Bertbert:

See?

Leif:

Come on. Give me some good news.

Alice:

The good news is, it’s already in a scrap yard so you don’t have to take it to a scrap yard.

Leif:

Alice, can you just tell me what the hell this ship is, please?

Alice:

This WAS a Truskan Selig. A now discontinued class of star cruiser designed for small occupancy and long distances, complete with mini kitchen and small sleeping quarters.

Leif:

Sleeping quarters?! Where?!

Alice:

In the back.

Leif runs to the back.

Leif:

(From the back.) Fuck yes!

Leif:

It’s a camper van. it’s a space faring camper van. This is amazing.

Bertbert:

Leif, you’re taking a hard right into “Space Dirtbag” territory.

Leif:

Nonsense. Alice, give me a work up, how much to get it flying?

Bertbert:

You don’t know how to fly it, Leif.

Leif:

Alice?

Alice:

Well, there are multiple leaks in the hull, the drive core is at 30% and dropping, environmental control is nonexistent, and life support is functioning but definitely needs to be flushed because it will have a smell to it that can only be described as: farts. On top of all that the sensor web is badly damaged so there could be a whole other list of problems that I can’t detect.

Leif:

That sounds like no problem.

Bertbert:

Okay, I give up.

Leif:

It’s going to be great.

Bertbert:

Leif, do you know why they discontinued this class of ship? I mean, aside from the fact that space travel is much more economical in large groups?

Leif:

Why?

Bertbert:

Because it only carries a few people, and when you’re out there in the void, things go wrong. And when things go wrong you need other people around.

Leif:

Okay. You coming with me, then?

Bertbert:

No.

Leif:

Then I guess I’ll just have to make do. Sorry, the potential is just too amazing.

Bertbert:

Okay.

Leif:

Look, I appreciate you stopping by, but I really want to get to work on this so unless you want to hand me tools-

Bertbert:

I think I found someone else from Earth.

Leif:

… What do you mean?

Bertbert:

Darren Delvy.

Leif:

I know that name.

Bertbert:

He’s from a place called New Zealand.

Leif:

Yeah. Aerospace guy, right?

Bertbert:

He was. Now he’s living on a really nice plot of land on Nesso.

Leif:

What’s Nesso?

Bertbert:

Leisure planet. Lots of resorts and spas.

Leif:

An entire planet of resorts and spas?

Bertbert:

There’s a lot of people out there, they all need a vacation. Do you remember what he was working on?

Leif:

A fission rocket, I think. Jesus, did he build it?

Bertbert:

Theres no record of a fission rocket on earth.

Leif:

…huh.

Bertbert:

A fission engine would change everything on Earth.

Leif:

Yeah, would’ve been nice to see one.

Bertbert:

Leif, you just won a fission engine in a contest.

Leif:

Oh. Right. Lucky me.

Bertbert:

… You don’t think it’s a coincidence-

Leif:

Jesus Christ, you’re not here to check in on me on at all, are you?

Dez:

Hey, I found an old bottle of Thoom. What do you call it, when you hit the bottle on the side of the ship?

Bertbert:

I’m going to track him down, why don’t you come with me?

Leif:

Why would I do that?

Bertbert:

You don’t want to talk to another Earthling?

Leif:

I’ve talked to plenty of Earthlings.

Bertbert:

Then do me a favor.

Leif:

Why would I do THAT?

Bertbert:

Because I’m your friend.

Leif:

I’ve met you twice now. Both times you were lying to me. That doesn’t get you in the friend category.

Bertbert:

Leif, what are you doing here? How did you get here? What’s your deal with The Teds? What’s going on?

Leif:

…

Bertbert:

When I track this guy down, he’s going to say the same thing, isn’t he? He has a deal with The Teds that he can’t talk about. How much do you want to bet?

Leif:

…

Bertbert:

Why are The Teds messing with Earth, Leif? What do they have to gain?

Leif:

I don’t care.

Bertbert:

You don’t care that they’re fucking with your planet?

Leif:

No, I don’t care. I don’t live there anymore. I’m up here now… I think you should go.

Bertbert:

Fine. Good luck with your pile of junk.

Leif:

If we ever see each other again, just be honest with me. If you’re not it’s going to be the last time I ever see you.

Bertbert:

Same goes for you. Goodbye, Leif.

Leif:

See ya.

Dez:

… Sigians, man.

Leif:

Right?

Dez:

What was she talking about, with The Teds?

Leif:

Don’t worry about it.

Dez:

You shouldn’t do deals with The Teds, man.

Leif:

Don’t worry about it. I’m fine. Besides, once I get this thing up and running, nobody will be able to catch me.

Dez:

Okay… Well the rule on Trusk is: You buy it, you name it. You got a name for it?

Leif:

(Laughing.) … Yeah, I do.

End of part two.