Welcome to the Horizon
Season 2, Part 3: Two Humans Walk into a Bar
A tranquil Morning in Hood’s pocket except for the spaceships flying overhead. DOug emerges from his house into his backyard.
Doug:
Hey, Eldin?
Eldin:
(In Doug’s phone.) Yes, Doug?
Doug:
Leif is coming over today to make a pond for the uh... the thing?
Eldin:
Ashlesaurus.
Doug:
Right, does he need me to get anything at the hardware store before we get started?
Eldin:
Ah. Doug, about that-
Deidre:
(In Doug’s phone.) Hey, Eldin, is Frank around?
Eldin:
I don’t-
Frank:
(In Doug’s phone.) What’s up Deidre?
Deidre:
Hey, thank you so much for fixing the refrigerator. I am no longer worried about the raw chicken.
Frank:
I didn’t fix the refrigerator.
Deidre:
You didn’t?
June:
(In Doug’s phone.) Hey, guys, is it morning group chat time? Where’s Frank?
Frank:
Hi, I’m literally thirty feet away from you.
June:
Way to fix the ice machine! I’m like Sonje Henie over here.
Frank:
I didn’t fix that either.
June:
Well, I didn’t fix it.
Frank:
What is happening?
June:
Well whatever. It’s great though, the Truskans are having a BBQ tonight.
We hear the splash of the ashlesaurus jumping in the water.
Doug:
Oh... Well look at that.
June:
Doug, did you get a pool?
Doug:
Eldin, the pond is already done I guess... I guess he did it early this morning, I didn’t even hear him back here.
Deidre:
Okay, who’s going around town fixing things?
Frank:
Let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth.
Steve:
(In Doug’s phone.) Hey, ya’ll. Somebody fixed our traffic light. I ran it twice this morning—you know y’all are just making me cooler, right?
Deidre:
Hang on, Verge wants to say something.
Verge:
Eldin. What happened last night?
Eldin:
... You should come over to the Horizon. There have been some developments.
We move to the sheep’s eye. Deidre and Steve are looking at the morning crowd of aliens.
Deidre:
You know what’s funny?
Steve:
What’s that?
Deidre:
It’s kind of the same, isn’t it?
Steve:
What do you mean?
Deidre:
There’s a morning crowd, an afternoon crowd, happy hour, and the night shift.
Steve:
Right.
Deidre:
But it’s aliens.
Steve:
Yeah. You know what’s different? No customers.
Deidre:
We have all kinds of customers.
Steve:
No customers for me.
Deidre:
Oh. Do aliens not smoke weed?
Steve:
I guess not, I mean, I’ve put the word out there, but there’s no takers.
Deidre:
Well, it’s not like you don’t have customers here in town.
Steve:
You know what this means?
Deidre:
What?
Steve:
It means they’re into something else around here.
Deidre:
Steve.
Steve:
I’ve got to get in on that action, Deidre.
Deidre:
No, you don’t.
Steve:
Deidre, I’m a business men.
Deidre:
Steve, we’ve told you this many times: No you’re not.
Steve:
There’s got to be somebody around here with a hookup, right? I need to put some feelers out.
Deidre:
Please don’t put feelers out.
Steve:
I can’t leave money sitting on the table.
Deidre:
We stopped using money.
Steve:
I can’t let that stop me.
Deidre:
You can.
Verge:
(In Deidre’s phone.) Deidre?
Deidre:
Hey, baby.
Verge:
Is Leif there?
Deidre:
No, I haven’t seen him.
Verge:
Okay. Can you do me a favor? Trinkett’s got her damn phone off the hook, can you go over there?
Deidre:
Sure. Steve, can you watch the bar?
Steve:
Sure thing.
Deidre:
What’s going on?
Verge:
See, one of the problems with being here in The Triad is that I feel like I’m getting my life all over you.
Deidre:
I think that sounds sexier than you meant it to.
Verge:
Sorry, force of habit.
Steve:
(To the entire bar.) Hey, do any of y’all have drugs?!
Deidre walks outside and walks and talks to Trinkett’s.
Verge:
What the fuck is Steve doing?
Deidre:
How about we choose to ignore it?
Verge:
Sounds good.
Deidre:
So, you’re getting your life all over me.
Verge:
Remember I told you about Låfftrax?
Deidre:
Yes. That would be the Al Capone/Blackbeard the Pirate of the whole damn place.
Verge:
Yes.
Eldin:
And Deidre, remember how we explained that this world may be similar to ours but we are now moving through the multiverse where universes can be similar with key differences?
Deidre:
It’s like Sliders right?
Eldin:
Sliders. The Earth television program?
Deidre:
Yes.
Eldin:
Yes, that’s not bad, it’s like that.
Deidre:
Okay.
Eldin:
We’ve now learned that, in this universe, there isn’t a Låfftrax anymore.
Deidre:
Okay, that’s good right?
Verge:
No. In this universe it’s Leif.
Deidre:
Wait, what?
Verge:
The Leif in this universe isn’t just a criminal. He’s THE criminal.
Deidre:
Whoa. And he knows this?
Verge:
He knows this and his reaction has been to leave his phone at the Horizon and just go around fixing things.
Deidre:
Wow. Okay. Someone should talk to him.
Verge:
Which is why you’re heading over to Trinkett’s.
Deidre:
Got it. I’ll call you back.
Deidre walks inside Trinkett’s shop. We move to Trinkett’s POV. She is deep in a meditative state on the roof. we hear strange sounds rushing all around her. Deidre’s voice slowly fades in.
Deidre:
Trinkett?... Trinkett?... Trinkett how it going in there?
Trinkett:
Hey.
Deidre:
Your phone was off the hook.
Trinkett:
Right... sorry.
Deidre:
Everything okay?
Trinkett:
I’m still trying to get a handle on things.
Deidre:
On what things?
Trinkett:
The things going on in my head.
Deidre:
Yeah. What is going on in your head?
Trinkett:
Deidre, I have no damn idea.
Deidre:
You seem to know a lot of things, though.
Trinkett:
I know. It’s a lot.
Deidre:
You kind of freak people out.
Trinkett:
Yeah. That part’s kind of fun. Not you, though.
Deidre:
No, I like it. You’re right, it is fun.
Trinkett:
So, right now I know that Frank is happier than normal. So is Doug. Celeste is taking that day off and is feeling guilty about it. But I don’t know these things. I’m kind of... told these things.
Deidre:
Told by who?
Trinkett:
I don’t know. Also I feel like there’s this whole other part that I’m missing. Like, I’m reading a book, but only getting every fourth word.
Deidre:
That’s so weird.
Trinkett:
It’s so weird. Anyway. Something’s going on with Leif.
Deidre:
Yeah, he’s going around town fixing everything but nobody knows where he is, he ditched his phone.
Trinkett:
Right.
Deidre:
So Eldin and Verge are thinking that this may be in your wheelhouse, he really enjoyed that little bike ride you guys took.
Trinkett:
Yeah... No, I think he needs to talk to someone else.
Deidre:
Okay.
Trinkett:
This’ll be fun. Let’s go down stairs.
Deidre:
Okay.
Trinkett:
Wait.
Deidre:
What?
Trinkett:
How are you doing?
Deidre:
Me?
Trinkett:
Yeah.
Deidre:
Like, for real, how am I doing?
Trinkett:
Like, for real.
Deidre:
I am...
Trinkett:
It’s okay, go ahead and say it.
Deidre:
I am... In. Love.
Trinkett:
Sure.
Deidre:
It’s...
Trinkett:
It’s in every part of your body.
Deidre:
It’s in every part of my body, Trinkett. I’m just...
Trinkett:
Burning up in a good way.
Deidre:
Burning up in a good way—I don’t know what to do with it all. Sometimes I get exhausted for no reason, just from...
Trinkett:
Feeling your feelings all the time?
Deidre:
All the time, I’m feeling my feelings. And you look around and everything is so crazy right now and everyone says, “Look out for all the danger!” But I’m still just walking around like a neon sign and I’m flashing “Love. Love. Love. Love.”
Trinkett:
I can feel it, it’s really great.
Deidre:
It’s a really inconvenient time for me to feel this way, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
I know, but maybe it’s not? Maybe it’s just the right thing.
Deidre:
Okay... Okay wow. I needed to get that out, thank you.
Trinkett:
No problem.
Deidre:
... Okay, what’s the fun thing we’re doing?
Trinkett:
Watch this.
We move to the office of the horizon. Frank is having a nice day of not having to fix anything.
June:
(In Frank’s phone.) Hey Frankie.... Frank... Frankfrankfrankfrankfrankfrank.
Frank:
What?
June:
Truskan Barbecue tonight. Are you coming?
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
You love the Truskans.
Frank:
I do.
June:
They’re boring, like you.
Frank:
I’m looking forward to an evening of grilled vegetables and discussions about non-heat-conductive bolts.
June:
See, it’s weird, because that sounds like a joke but it’s 100% true.
Frank:
Remember once upon a time when you did your job?
June:
Doesn’t sound familiar, no.
Frank:
Hey, Eldin.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) What?
Frank:
Do they have sports here?
Eldin:
Uh, they do, but many of them involve bludgeoning someone to death.
Frank:
Okay, any non-death sports?
Eldin:
I suppose you could try CC Carousel.
Frank:
What is that?
Eldin:
Carbon Canon Carousel. It’s not unlike rugby.
Frank:
Okay, and that involves no killing?
Eldin:
I mean, not until the playoffs.
Frank:
Uh huh.
Eldin:
Lovely, I have Trinkett coming through with her ridiculous land line.
Frank:
Okay.
Trinkett:
(In Frank’s phone.) Hey, Frank?
Frank:
Yeah?
Trinkett:
Can you do me a faaaaaaavooooooooor?
We move to the UNOFFICIAL hood’s pocket junk yard. Leif is using a power drill on a refrigerator. He finishes his work and closes the REFRIGERATOR door.
Leif:
Okay, Mr. Frigidaire Imperial. You’re fixed. Go. Be free.
Frank:
(From far off.) Leif?
Leif:
Yeah.
Frank:
How’s it going?
Leif:
Uh... fine.
Frank:
Well, first of all, let me welcome you to the unofficial Hood’s Pocket junkyard.
Leif:
Thanks.
Frank:
We’re not supposed to dump things here, but y’know, broken window theory—one person did it, so everyone started doing it.
Leif:
Uh huh.
Frank:
What are you doing?
Leif:
I’m fixing this refrigerator.
Frank:
Leif, it looks like you’ve fixed about seven refrigerators.
Leif:
I did.
Frank:
We’re standing in Refrigerator Henge right now. If I start chanting, do we summon the Maytag Man?
Leif:
I, uh... I was walking by, and I saw it so... I borrowed your tools.
Frank:
I noticed.
Leif:
... Anybody need a refrigerator?
Frank:
I certainly hope so.
Leif:
... Frank, I get the sense that you’re a solid guy. You have a reputation as a solid guy?
Frank:
Some would say completely solid.
Leif:
I’ve never... I’ve never had that reputation. Nobody’s ever said, “Hey, that Leif?... Solid guy.”
Frank:
Uh huh.
Leif:
In fact it’s been the opposite of that, most of the time. Whatever the opposite of solid is.
Frank:
Squishy?
Leif:
Have you ever been confronted with the worst version of yourself?
Frank:
I don’t know what that means, Leif.
Leif:
I’m a guy who fixes things. I can fix things. I’m that guy... I want to be that guy.
Frank:
I see... So, if you resurrect enough refrigerators...
Leif:
I don’t know. I don’t know, I just started doing stuff.
Frank:
Okay.
Leif:
Look, I’m assuming someone sent you to check on me. You can skip it, okay? I need to... do whatever the fuck I’m doing right now.
Frank:
Sure... Well... You’re in luck, Leif. I have a long history of not asking people what’s going on with them, and that’s a streak I’m very proud of. Let’s go.
Leif:
Where?
Frank:
Sara Murphy retired here five years ago. She has nineteen million cats, a TV that sits on top of a non-functioning TV, and she’s refused to leave her house ever since all of this started. She also has a refrigerator that can’t be trusted. Let’s load one of these up. Come on.
We move to peppercorn’s shop and go as the door slides open and two “Earthlings” walk in.
Doug:
Hey, there, welcome to Peppercorn’s shop and... go.
Bob:
Hi, there.
Doug:
... Hello.
Bob:
I’m Bob.
Doug:
Hello, Bob.
Kim:
Honey, I’m going to go check back there.
Bob:
Sure thing, honey. How are you today?
Doug:
... Good.
Bob:
I’m Bob, that’s my wife Kim.
Doug:
... Okay.
Bob:
Do you have any hot dogs?
Doug:
... Yes.
Bob:
Great.
Doug:
Right over there.
Bob:
Thanks.
Kim:
Excuse me, does this have caffeine in it?
Doug:
Does... That’s Perrier.
Kim:
Yes, sorry, I don’t have my glasses so I can’t read the label.
Doug:
There’s no caffeine in it.
Kim:
Thanks.
Bob:
Okay, I have a hot dog.
Doug:
Just the hot dog?
Bob:
Yes.
Doug:
You’re not going to... put it in a bun?
Bob:
Bun! Right, I forgot about that part.
Kim:
He’s so forgetful.
Doug:
Uh huh.
Bob:
And a bun. Hot dog and a bun.
Doug:
Okay. Enjoy.
Kim:
Could you tell us where the Sheep’s... what was it?
Bob:
Sheep’s Head.
Doug:
Eye? Sheep’s Eye?
Bob:
Yes, that’s it.
Doug:
Just across the street.
Bob:
Thank you.
Kim:
Thanks so much.
Bob and kim walk out.
Doug:
...Eldin?
Eldin:
(In Doug’s phone.) What?
Doug:
I think we have a problem.
Eldin:
Oh, good.
Doug:
Two Earthlings just came in here.
Eldin:
That happens every day. Why is that a problem?
Doug:
I don’t recognize them.
Eldin:
You don’t recognize them.
Doug:
No, and they were acting very strange.
Eldin:
Strange how?
Doug:
Strange like they didn’t know how hot dogs work.
Eldin:
Hm. Where are they headed?
Doug:
The Sheep’s Eye.
Eldin:
Alright. Verge and I will head to the Sheep’s Eye.
Doug:
Are we being invaded?
Eldin:
Yes, Doug. Every day.
We move back to the sheep’s eye. Trinkett, Steve, and Deidre all ponder the pill that steve has just bought from one of the aliens.
Steve:
Okay, there it is.
Trinkett:
There it is.
Deidre:
I can’t believe you just bought alien drugs.
Steve:
It’s just one pill.
Deidre:
It was so fast. How did you get it so fast?
Steve:
That’s how the professionals roll, Deidre.
Trinkett:
What’s it called?
Steve:
Scrambledegs.
Deidre:
I’m not feeling great about people selling drugs here.
Steve:
It wasn’t a sale, I got it for free. It’s a little gratitude from our patrons.
Trinkett:
He literally gave you the first one for free.
Deidre:
We should ask Eldin about this.
Steve:
No, don’t do that. You’ll ruin the adventure.
Deidre:
What if it just kills you?
Steve:
I have yet to meet a drug that can take me down, Deidre. What are you thinking, Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.
Deidre:
Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Look, we all have a teenager inside us telling us to do ill-advised things.
Deidre:
Yes, but Steve’s inner teenager is on the outside of him.
Steve:
We need to learn more about our surroundings, Deidre.
Deidre:
Maybe we can do that by not putting alien things in our mouths.
Steve:
That’s rich coming from you, Deidre. Hey-oooo!
Trinkett:
High five.
Trinkett and Steve high five.
Deidre:
Don’t high five him.
Trinkett:
Deidre, I think you and Verge are a beautiful pairing and the energy is healing and amazing, and also we are always going to make fun of you for banging an alien.
Deidre:
... That’s fair.
Steve:
Alright, enough talk. Let’s do this.
Steve downs the pill with some water. They all wait while doug walks in.
NOTE: from now until the end of the episode, Steve’s voice will gradually go up in pitch. Everyone will be able to hear this except steve.
Trinkett:
... How do you feel?
Steve:
I’d say I feel normal, but what’s normal feel like?
Doug:
Guys.
Deidre:
Hey, Doug.
Steve:
Doug, do I look okay?
Doug:
Uh, yes?
Trinkett:
What’s going on, Doug?
Doug:
Have two humans come in here?
Trinkett:
Often.
Doug:
No, I mean... Two humans came into the Shop and Go but... but they’re not from here.
Deidre:
I don’t like that.
Doug:
Oh. There. They’re by the window.
Trinkett:
... Oh, yeah, they’re not from here.
Deidre:
Where did they come from?
Doug:
I don’t know, but they’re acting weird.
Deidre:
Weird how?
Doug:
Well they didn’t know what Perrier was and they didn’t know how hot dogs work.
June walks in.
Deidre:
Okay.
Steve:
I feel like we’re going to need a little more information than that, Doug.
Doug:
... Steve, are you feeling okay?
Steve:
Yeah, why?
June:
Hey guys, what’s up? Truskan barbecue tonight. Everybody coming? What’s wrong?
Steve:
Looks like there’s a couple of new Earthlings in town, but they’re acting real weird.
June:
... The fuck is wrong with Steve?
Steve:
What are you talking about?
We move to outside sara Murphy’s house. The door opens and we hear tons of cats.
Frank:
Okay, Sara, enjoy the new fridge. Remember to defrost it every six months, okay?
The door closes.
Leif:
I didn’t think it was possible to have this much cat hair on me.
Frank:
Yeah, it’s not great in there.
Leif:
Why didn’t she want us to take the old fridge?
Frank:
There’s some hoarder mentality going on there. We’re all aware of it. We’re working on it.
Leif:
Does she even know she’s on another planet?
Frank:
She does not, you really want to roll out that information right now? She’d have a heart attack, die, and then get eaten by her cat hoarde.
Leif:
Okay... Well, this has been fun.
Frank:
Hang on.
Frank starts to walk across the street and then stops.
Leif:
... What’s up?
Frank:
... When things started to get weird around here, people started leaving in droves. Ryan Burnett packed up a few suitcases and moved to Oceanside.
Leif:
Okay.
Frank:
Why is his door open?
Leif:
... Shit. Have you had any looting?
Frank:
No.
Leif:
Look, this entire planet is basically the Star Wars bar. You’re going to have some looting.
Frank:
Great.
Leif:
I’ll take the back, you take the front?
Frank:
Sure.
They walk across the street, and frank climbs the steps to the front door. We can hear a disturbance inside the house. Frank slowly walks inside to see an alien ransacking the living room.
Frank:
You’re not Ryan Burnett.
The alien freezes.
Alien:
... This your house?
Frank:
It doesn’t matter if it’s my house, it’s not your house.
Alien:
... So, what are you going to do about it?
Frank:
Listen, pal. I’m sure you think you’re stealing something of value right now, but all you have is an armful of Ryan’s old DVDs. You really want to make a fuss over his copy of... Under the Tuscan Sun?
Alien:
... Only one law in Raxius: Who’s got the gun?
The alien takes out a gun.
Leif:
Frank, that’s a weapon. Let’s just back out of here, okay?
Alien:
You heard him, Frank. Why don’t you back out of here?
Frank:
... Put down the DVDs.
Alien:
How about I put you down?
The alien fires three shots.
Leif:
Fuck!
Alien:
... What the fuck?
Leif:
What the fuck?
Frank:
... Ow.
We cut to outside ryan burnett’s house. We hear a melee breaking out and a few more shots fired. Then the front window of ryan’s house shatters and the Alien goes flying onto the sidewalk.
Alien:
What... What are you!?
Frank:
Don’t make me chase you!
The alien runs off. Frank and Leif walk out to the sidewalk. They stand there for a moment.
Frank:
What the fuck was Ryan doing with a copy of Under the Tuscan Sun?
Leif:
... Kind of a delightful movie, actually... Diane Lane, am I right?
Frank:
Uh huh.
Leif:
... Sooooooo, that gun he was using is nicknamed “Tough Luck.”
Frank:
Okay.
Leif:
... Because if you get hit with it...
Frank:
Tough Luck?
Leif:
Yeah.
Frank:
...
Leif:
... He shot you with it three times.
Frank:
Yeah. I really love this shirt, too.
Leif:
... What just happened?
Frank:
Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.
Frank starts to walk to the car.
Leif:
Frank?
Frank:
Let’s go. You can fix Georgia Adams’s washer/dryer next.
Leif:
Frank, hang on.
Frank gets in the car. Leif gets in the passenger seat.
Leif:
Frank, listen-
Frank:
I need to warn you about Georgia, though. She’s a day drinker, but she’s really defensive about it. You won’t even say anything, and she’ll start arguing with you about it.
Leif:
It shoots plasma, Frank. That’s super-heated matter. It can shoot through a Buick.
Frank:
... Clementine.
Leif:
... Oh, shit.
Frank:
Yeah.
Leif:
She made you immortal, too?
Frank:
Too? What do you mean “too”?
Leif:
There’s this guy Terric. She met him in medieval Jerusalem, and he’s like seven hundred years old now.
Frank:
Did she kill him too?
Leif:
Kill him? No...
Frank starts the car and starts to drive.
Frank:
... We got into an argument on the street... She didn’t like what I was saying and she... she shut me up.
Leif:
She killed you?
Frank:
Yeah. And I don’t mean she dropped a piano on me, she... My body was gone, she disintegrated me.
Leif:
Oh, fuck.
Frank:
But she didn’t mean to, so she tried to put me back together.
Leif:
Oh, no.
Frank:
So...
Leif:
Put you back together with what?
Frank:
“Errant particles in the atmosphere.” According to that scientist friend of yours.
Leif:
Errant particles in the atmosphere?
Frank:
Yeah.
Leif:
... So, considering the errant particles in the atmosphere up here... Rocks, trees, and what? Moss?
Frank:
I don’t know.
Leif:
... Fucking Swamp Thing.
Frank:
Jesus Christ. Can someone come up with a different analogy?
Leif:
I’m sorry, man, it’s sitting right there!
Frank:
You know who I am? I’m a guy who lived on a mountain because it was nice and quiet. And right now, all I would like is to watch a sporting event of some kind, okay? That’s who I am.
Leif:
Okay.
Frank:
Okay.
Leif:
Well... Welcome to the “Clementine Almost Killed Me Club,” man. We should get some jackets made.
Frank:
You too?
Leif:
Oh yeah. I threw everything I had at her and it just made her mad.
Frank:
How’d you survive?
Leif:
... Friends.
Back at the SHeep’s eye. Deidre approaches the table of the two new Earthlings.
Deidre:
Hey, there.
Bob:
Hello.
Kim:
Hi.
Deidre:
Welcome to the Sheep’s Eye.
Bob:
Thank you.
Deidre:
I’m Deidre.
Bob:
I’m Bob and this is my wife, Kim.
Deidre:
So, I haven’t seen you two around before.
Bob:
Oh, well-
Kim:
We live on the other side of town. We’ve just never been in before.
Deidre:
Uh huh. Okay. Can I get you something to drink?
Bob:
Um, well. Do you have a soft drink?
Deidre:
Soft drink? Yes, we have those.
Kim:
I’ll have an herbal tea. Is that something that you have?
Deidre:
Yes. Sure. I’ll be right back.
Deidre walks away from the table and back to the group.
Trinkett:
What’d they say?
Deidre:
They ordered a “soft drink” and an herbal tea.
June:
Uh, oh. Mormons.
Doug:
Aren’t we in another galaxy?
June:
They go everywhere.
Deidre:
They’re really giving me a weird vibe, you guys.
Trinkett:
Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on.
Deidre:
They said they live on the other side of town and they’ve just never been in here before.
June:
That’s bullshit.
Deidre:
No kidding.
Steve:
Obviously they’re spies, right? Who’s spying on us?
June:
Okay, is somebody going to tell me what the fuck is going on with Steve?
Steve:
What are you talking about?
Eldin:
(In Deidre’s phone.) Deidre, we’re in the back. Can you and the rest of the Scooby Gang come back here, please?
Deidre:
Come on.
They all walk into the back room where verge and Eldin are waiting.
Verge:
Hi, team. What the fuck is happening?
Deidre:
It’s so strange.
Doug:
So, they walked into the Shop and Go, and they were just acting weird.
June:
They definitely look weird.
Trinkett:
They look like humans.
June:
But weird humans. They look like stock photos.
Deidre:
They said that they were from here in Hood’s Pocket, they had just never been in the Sheep’s Eye before.
Verge:
And how possible is that?
Doug:
Impossible.
June:
Could they be wearing those Earthsuit things like you wear sometimes?
Eldin:
They’re definitely wearing Earthsuits, but why?
June:
That’s your job, Eldin, get your little computer feelers in there.
Eldin:
There are several privacy blocks on an Earthsuit, I’d need to know the manufacturer. There may be a back door, but there’s none on record. Where is Leif?
June:
Maybe they’re big fans. You guys remember Apprehensive Craig?
Trinkett:
Aw, Craig.
Eldin:
Who is Apprehensive Craig?
June:
Very shy guy, but he went through this phase where he wore Spock ears, for what? Two years? Three?
Deidre:
And we never said anything.
Trinkett:
Well, he was obviously going through something.
Doug:
He moved to Olympia. He’s a librarian now.
June:
Oh, yeah? Good for him. Sounds like someone’s living long and prospering, am I right?... No?
Steve:
Eldin, listen, I don’t think we’re taking this as seriously as we should. I think someone’s trying to spy on us.
Eldin:
... What the fuck is wrong with Steve?
Steve:
What is everybody talking about?
Eldin:
Actually, I’ve decided I don’t care. I need Leif here, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
I really think we should wait. He’s doing some very important work with Frank right now. Some important emotional work.
We move to frank and Leif in Frank’s truck. They are watching a game of cc Carousel on Frank’s phone. Leif cracks open another beer for him.
Frank:
Thank you. What is this called again?
Leif:
CC Carousel. Okay, see in the middle of the field, there’s the cannon. It spins around and fires the ball in a random direction. Everybody scrambles for the ball, and then when your team gets possession, you try and push forward.
Frank:
Can they pass?
Leif:
Only laterally.
Frank:
Simple enough.
Leif:
This is a playoff game, though. There’s a timer on the ball, and if you don’t get it into the safe zone in 90 seconds, the ball explodes.
Frank:
Explodes?
Leif:
Yeah.
Frank:
How often does that happen?
Leif:
Very rarely, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Frank:
Okay, here we go...
Leif:
Ball is out, here we go.
Frank:
Okay, let’s go guys. Push forward, come on.
Leif:
Don’t go that way.
Frank:
Don’t go that way.
Leif:
Right there, he’s open.
Frank:
Pass pass pass pass pass, there we go!
Leif:
Oh yeah, wide open.
Frank:
Okay, some defense, come on now.
Leif:
Oh shit, they’re right on top of him.
Both Of Them:
Gogogogogogogogogogogogogo
Leif:
He’s gonna to make it!
We hear a tiny explosion on frank’s phone.
Frank:
Oh....
Leif:
Ah....
Frank:
That’s uh.... Was that what it looked like?
Leif:
Yeah. yeah, that was an explosion.
Frank:
He... he did not make it.
Leif:
No...
Frank:
... Unfortunate.
Leif:
Yeah...
Frank:
... Really adds to the intensity of the game, though.
Leif:
It’s fantastic.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Frank?
Frank:
Uh, yes, Eldin, what is it? We’re very busy.
Eldin:
There’s a situation at the Sheep’s Eye that I could use Leif’s assistance with.
Frank:
How important is this situation, Eldin?
Eldin:
Don’t test me, Swamp Thing.
Frank:
Goddamnit.
Back at the sheep’s eye, Steve is sitting down with the mystery guests trying to intimidate them, which has gotten difficult, because his voice has gotten very high at this point.
Steve:
Listen... I run this town, you understand me? We don’t like people spying on us, trying to get a look at the secret sauce around here.
Kim:
Are you feeling okay?
Steve:
You think we can’t defend ourselves? You really think we’re going to let you make us look ridiculous?
Frank and leif walk in.
Frank:
Steve, whatever you’re doing, stop it.
Steve:
Oh, see, now Frank’s here. Now you’re in trouble.
Frank:
... What the fuck is wrong with you?
Steve:
What do you mean?
Frank:
What do you mean, “What do I mean?” You sound like Stewart Little.
Leif:
He took Scrambledegs.
Frank:
What?
Leif:
It’s a drug. Steve, humans aren’t supposed to take that, man.
Steve:
I feel fine, I don’t know what you guys are talking about.
Frank:
If everything’s so dangerous here, why does it all seem so stupid?
Leif:
It’s always both.
Frank:
Steve, get in the back right now. Deidre, I was gone for a few hours and Steve is taking alien drugs.
Deidre:
I’m only one woman, Frank.
June:
I like the tiny voice. He’s like our little buddy.
Trinkett:
Can we get him to sing Christmas songs?
Frank:
Doug, what’s going on?
Doug:
They came into the store and they were acting weird. They look like humans but there’s something not right about them.
Frank:
Great.
They’ve moved into the back room.
Frank:
Hi. What’s happening?
Eldin:
I don’t know who our new guests are, but we need some information on the Earthsuits they’re obviously wearing. Leif, any insight?
Leif:
Have they disabled remote access?
Eldin:
No.
Leif:
Okay, they’re not pros, then.
Eldin:
We need to discern the manufacturer.
Leif:
No we don’t. You need to make an open request to the device, but you need to make a thousand requests in one second. That’s the skeleton key.
Verge:
Is that true?
Eldin:
Why is that not documented anywhere?
Leif:
Probably so it doesn’t end up on someone’s Tangle database.
Eldin:
Alright, I’ll make the request. Device info will be on my screen... Alright, I’m in.
Leif:
Let me see...
Verge:
... Son of a bitch.
Leif:
Motherfuckers.
Frank:
What is it?
Leif:
I’ll be right back.
Leif walks out into the main area. He grabs two coffee cups and a pot of coffee and crosses to Bob and Kim’s table.
Leif:
Welcome to the Sheep’s Eye.
Bob:
Hello.
Leif puts two coffee cups on the table and fills them with coffee.
Leif:
... Drink up.
Bob:
Uh, we don’t actually drink coffee.
Kim:
Yeah, it make’s my nerves so shot...
Leif:
What it does to you is send your body into shock and kills you within two minutes... Y’know, I wonder sometimes, if coffee wasn’t poisonous to Teds, maybe they would lighten up a little bit and stop being the hugest assholes in The Triad.... I know that you fascists have been trying to get your foot in the door in the Iron Quadrant for who knows how long, and I’m sure you look at this weird Earth town as the opportunity you’ve been waiting for... It’s not.
Bob:
... It’s not what you think.
Leif:
I’ll give you two options right now. You come with me, nice and quiet into the back room, or... drink up.
Bob:
... Please, sit down.
Leif:
Did you hear what I said?
Bob:
Please, sit down. I can explain.
Leif:
Do you have any idea what would happen to the two of you if I told this entire bar full of rogues and criminals there were a couple of Teds in here? Do you have any idea how many people on this planet have had the pleasure of doing hard time in Chemical Ice?
Bob:
Please don’t do that-
Kim:
We wanted to have a child.
Leif:
... What the fuck are you talking about?
Bob:
We’re not spies or something, we... I work in waste recycling.
Kim:
I’m a skybridge driver.
Bob:
We met on her train... We filed cohabitation requests and a few years later we applied for a procreation license... I didn’t have favorable enough genetic profile.
Kim:
Please, sit down.
Leif hesitates and then decides to sit.
Bob:
My name is Dargo.
Kim:
I’m Greeta.
Leif:
What are you doing here? What’s with the Earthsuits?
Kim:
... We got desperate a while ago.
Bob:
We made a plan... In retrospect, it was a pretty stupid plan.
Kim:
We heard there was someone here on Rax Prime that could remove reproductive blocks.
Bob:
But as soon as we arrived, it became clear that we had been conned.
Leif:
You paid up front to an unknown entity? How the fuck did you people conquer three galaxies?
Bob:
I just said it was a stupid plan.
Kim:
We were just sitting ducks there in the city. We were getting a lot of really scary looks from people.
Bob:
But we didn’t know what to do next.
Kim:
We heard about this place, and we still had Earthsuits in our cruiser from a trip we took to Earth.
Bob:
We went to Akron. Have you been? It’s really nice.
Leif:
...
Bob:
Anyway, we decided to come here and try to blend in until we figured out our next move.
Leif:
Uh, huh... Well, I can tell you your next move. Your next move is to get the fuck out of here and never come back.
Kim:
You don’t understand-
Leif:
Look, I’m so sorry that your dream of having a little Ted baby has been smashed, but from my perspective, the last thing the Triad needs is more Teds in the world. Get the fuck out of town and never come back.
Kim:
You don’t understand. They won’t let us live together now.
Leif:
What?
Bob:
A procreation license is hard to get, so there are things they do to scare people off. There are consequences.
Kim:
If a couple with a cohabitation license applies for a procreation license and they’re deemed incompatible genetically...
Bob:
Then we can’t live together.
Kim:
It’s not just that, you’re sent to a relocation specialist and they deliberately split you up.
Bob:
We’d be on opposite sides of the planet.
Kim:
... That sounded like a nightmare.
Bob:
I’m not doing that. I can’t do that, I’m not going to suddenly move on with my life knowing she’s just sitting there on the other side of the planet.
Leif:
How is some renegade Ted baby going to solve that problem?
Kim:
If you’re pregnant without a license, then there’s recourse.
Bob:
It happens sometimes. The procreation blocks fail, so your application gets forced through the system.
Kim:
That was our only chance to stay together.
Leif:
Everything I learn about your planet makes me hate it more.
Bob:
Try living there.
Leif:
Oh, I’m sorry. Is it rough for you? Is it hard up there at the top of the food chain? Oh, the trials of ruling three galaxies with an iron fist.
Bob:
I’m not ruling anything.
Kim:
We’re just people.
Leif:
... What?
Kim:
Look, we’re not stupid okay? We know... we know we’re the bad guys... There’s trillions of us on Ted. You really think every single one of us is evil?... Maybe you like thinking of us that way. Maybe it makes us easier to hate?
Leif:
... Leave. Right now.
Leif walks away from the table. Trinkett stops him.
Trinkett:
Leif.
Leif:
... What?
Trinkett:
... I’m pretty sure you know what.
Leif:
...
Trinkett:
...
Leif walks back to their table.
Leif:
M-Lynn.
Bob:
What?
Leif:
M-Lynn. They can do what you want.
Kim:
Are you sure?
Leif:
I am. They’re no fans of the Ted Empire. They might even do it for free.
Bob:
... Thank you.
Leif:
Get the fuck out of here. You’re going to get yourselves killed.
Kim:
Thank you so much.
Leif:
Go.
Bob and kim leave the sheep’s eye. Leif walks over to the bar. Deidre approaches.
Deidre:
Hey there.
Leif:
Hey.
Deidre:
I’m Deidre.
Leif:
Leif. Nice to meet you.
Deidre:
You, too.
Leif:
Deidre can I get a double shot of Jack Daniels, please?
Deidre:
Hmm. I’m not sure, can you spell Albuquerque?
Leif:
What?
Deidre:
That’s how I’m able to tell if someone’s too drunk, I ask them if they can spell Albuquerque.
Leif:
... I can’t spell Albuquerque sober.
Deidre:
I know, but the drunk people don’t know that.
Leif:
That’s not bad. Would you mind if I got drunk first and then I’ll not spell it for you later?
Deidre:
Sure.
Deidre pour a shot.
Deidre:
So, is everything okay?
Leif:
Yeah.
Deidre:
Who were those guys?
Leif:
... Just people.
Later that night. There is a Truskan barbecue in the parking lot. Leif sits away from the party. Verge approaches.
Verge:
Don’t be the brooding guy away from the party. You’re no longer sexy enough to pull that off.
Leif:
Hey.
Verge:
How was your day?
Leif:
... I don’t know.
Verge:
... It was bound to happen eventually.
Leif:
What?
Verge:
If you keep running into different versions of yourself, eventually you’re going to run into one that made all the wrong choices.
Leif:
...
Verge:
I’m assuming that’s what your little fix-it tour of Hood’s Pocket was about.
Leif:
Yeah, I guess so... I met Deidre. She’s great.
Verge:
She is great... It’s... I don’t know what to do with it all.
Leif:
Yeah... don’t ask me.
Verge:
Oh, I wont.
Leif:
...
Verge:
... He’s not you, Leif... I mean, I have no idea who you are, but I can at least tell you that you’re not the most notorious Pirate in the Triad.
Leif:
... I have no idea who I am.
Verge:
What do you mean?
June:
Leif! Leif get over here and meet the Truskans.
Leif:
Yeah, okay. Sorry about the grilled vegetable party.
Verge:
I convinced them to throw a steak on.
Leif:
Oh, you’re actually cooking your meat now. You really have changed.
Verge:
Shut up.
June:
Leif this is Bolb. Bolb, this is Leif.
Bolb:
How’re doing there, pally?
Leif:
Hey.
Bolb:
I’m Bolb. That’s my brother Nolb, that’s my other brother Jolb.
Leif:
Hey, guys.
Nolb:
Hey, there.
Jolb:
How are ya’?
Bolb:
I hear tell you’re the type of guy who can settle an argument about fusion core containment linings?
Leif:
Magnetic or inertial?
Bolb:
Oh, look at Mr. Fancy Guy over here with the inertial containment.
Leif:
Inertial is always going to be more efficient.
Bolb:
Leif, let me ask you, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Leif:
That’s the hill I’m dying on.
Bolb:
Alright we’re going to go round and round with this all night. Let’s get some roots in ya’, get over here.
Leif:
Okay.
Frank:
Verge?
Verge:
Frank.
Frank:
I think I’d like a debrief tomorrow on whatever this evil twin brother of Leif business is about.
Verge:
Of course. But listen, Eldin assures me that he won’t be able to find us, okay? We’ve covered our tracks.
Frank:
Good.
Steve:
Hey, y’all. I don’t know. I think I’m finally starting to feel something.
Frank:
When is this going to wear off?
Verge:
Hopefully never.
We move from the horizon parking lot to the heart of the galaxy brain, dark leif’s hideout. Leif watches a data stream cascading on a screen in front of him.
Dark Leif:
I am a roving gambler,
I roam from town to town.
Whenever I meet with a deck of cards, I lay my money down-
A chime goes off.
Dark Leif:
Bring them in.
A door slides open and two guards bring in Battlepope and Bugaboo. They’re teeth are chattering like they’re freezing to death.
Dark Leif:
Jesus Christ. Leave us alone.
The guards leave.
Dark Leif:
I hear they picked you up in orbit around Raxius.
Bugaboo:
I t-t-t-t-think first we should exp-p-p-p-press some g-g-g-g-g-gratitude, isn’t that right B-b-b-b-battlepope?
Battlepope:
T-t-t-t-t-that would be the m-m-m-m-mannerful thing to do, B-b-b-b-bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
We were almost g-g-g-g-gone for g-g-g-g-good there, weren’t we B-b-b-b-battlepope?
Battlepope:
Only a c-c-c-c-collection of moments between us and the g-g-g-g-great beyond, Bugaboo.
Bugaboo:
When do you s-s-s-s-suppose the ch-ch-ch-ch-chattering of our t-t-t-teeth’ll come to an end, Battlepope?
Battlepope:
I’m sure I d-d-d-d-don’t know, Bugaboo.
Dark Leif:
For fuck’s sake. You have Permafrost, you idiots. That’s what happens when you float around in the black for as long as you did. You’re going to feel frozen solid for months. Do you know why I’m going to hate that even more than you are? Because it’s going to make this ridiculous southern gothic iambic pentameter of yours even more grating on my nerves. So, if you wouldn’t mind, in as few words as possible, how in the hell did you get your asses handed to you on Raxius?
Bugaboo:
That would require us knowing a th-th-th-th-th-th-thing or two more that we d-d-d-d-do know-
Battlepope:
There are c-c-c-c-certainly some unknown q-q-q-q-q-quantities in this particular s-s-s-s-square dance.
Dark Leif:
Oh, my god. Let me be as clear as I can. Tell me what happened on Raxius, or I put you right back in the black where I found you.
Bugaboo:
V-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-Verge.
Dark Leif:
... What?
The end