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Welcome to the Horizon
Part 9: The Mountain
we start in Verge’s room. Eldin lays it all out on the table for frank.
Eldin:
There was a surprising amount of orthodoxy when it came to xenobiology in The Triad. For a very long time, the only version of life scientists were willing to talk about was the same model we’re all used to: organic compounds in, waste out, all of that fueling a centralized neural cluster. Now never mind that there were already examples that contradicted that model. You’re in the same room with one of them right now.
Verge:
Hi there.
Eldin:
Vapians have a central brain like you do but further down the abdomen are two sub-brains that help coordinate the additional appendages and can take on an additional work load in times of high demand. Octopuses on your planet are the same way. But the orthodoxy continued on for many a cycle and any xenobiologist who dared to challenge it was summarily sent to the fringes of the science. It wasn’t until an unauthorized treatise written by a xenobiologist known only as “The Gentleman” began to circulate through the community that minds began to change. In the treatise, it’s proposed that there was a viable alternative to the “organics in, organics out” model. It was called the “energy accumulation” model. Energy is everywhere to be harnessed. It need not be through biological processing that complexity be achieved. It reads “Here we stand, my fellows, with advancements our ancestors could not dream of, and still... life... the simplest thing, the most prevalent, the most mysterious.”
Frank:
Eldin, this is lovely but can we move it along a little?
Eldin:
The Gentleman suggested a life form that was simply an accumulation of energy, no real physical form except for a simple locus around which the energy could coalesce. As the energy accumulates, complexity is achieved, and sentience emerges. It was all theoretical for years, but then one day, in an unexplored arm of Triangulum, there they were. The Orbus. A core of energy surrounded by a crystalline shell. They hovered wherever they went, communicated telepathically, and sustained themselves by absorbing ambient cosmic radiation.
Verge:
Nicest people you’ll ever meet.
Eldin:
Yes, they are quite lovely.
Frank:
They’re... orbs.
Eldin:
Correct. They are a strange race and very rare, but, y’know, that’s Triangulum.
Frank:
What does this have to do with me?
Eldin:
Life, as we know it, takes many forms. All of them valid. It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve been cursed or turned into some sort of abomination by your encounter with this woman Clementine. It sounds as though she, unwittingly, created a new form of life, and placed you inside the prototype.
Frank:
I liked being human.
Eldin:
We all strive toward the familiar, Frank. It’s understandable. But if I may be so bold, I think you’ll come to enjoy this new shape you’re in. You get to test drive a new form of life. It’s a rare privilege.
Frank:
A form of life that was created accidentally.
Eldin:
That describes most forms of life, even your former species. A chain of proteins makes a wrong turn one day in the primordial ooze. Next thing you know they’re walking around having existential crises all day.
Frank:
I don’t want to be an orb, Eldin.
Eldin:
I’m not suggesting you’re an orb, Frank.
Frank:
I eat breakfast in the morning like everyone else.
Eldin:
And I think you should continue to do that. We don’t know exactly how you work yet, it’s going to take some time. We know spores have no effect on you, we know you’re not sleeping, we know you can somehow survive a fall of about a hundred meters—but there’s much more to learn. I’ll monitor you, make notes, it’ll be fun.
Verge:
I think your glee is kind of freaking him out, Eldin.
Eldin:
Yes, I’m sure it is. We’re making history here, Frank. You’re going to appear in journals all over three galaxies. You’re going to be a celebrity.
Verge:
Ooh, don’t think that’s a plus for him, Eldin.
Frank:
It is not.
Eldin:
Very well, I’ll keep it all between us for the time being and I won’t share any data until you say so. Fair enough?
Frank:
... Fair enough.
Verge:
There’s no rulebook for this, Frank. But, look around, there’s no rule book for any of this bullshit.
Frank:
The two of you are acting like I just found out I’m color blind or something, this is a little bigger than that.
Eldin:
We don’t have much to offer you, other than what I’ve said, Frank. Verge is right, there’ no rule book for this, but we do know that all of this hootenanny is related to an encounter with Midnight Burger. We don’t know a lot about Midnight Burger, but it did take up residency in The Triad recently and stirred up all sorts of trouble, so we know more now than we did before. Wherever that thing goes, very strange things happen. You’re one of them. But we’ve yet to see it have a negative effect on anyone it encounters. Pay attention to yourself, take it slow, and we’ll know more every day.
Verge:
But, Frank. You need to tell June.
Eldin:
Yes, speaking of glee that will make you uncomfortable, I do think it’s time to tell June.
Frank:
Yeah... yeah, I know. Where is she right now?
Eldin:
She is... hm.
Frank:
What?
Eldin:
One moment...
Frank:
... Eldin.
Eldin:
June can’t be located.
Frank:
What?
Eldin:
I’m not getting a signal from her phone.
Frank:
Did she forget to charge her phone again?
Eldin:
Fun fact: even when your phone is off I can track you.
Frank:
She just disappeared?
Eldin:
Well. No...
Frank:
Eldin.
Eldin:
Frank this is going to upset you but I have said before that your phones are very insecure.
Frank:
And?
Eldin:
This means... that I am constantly monitoring everyone in town and keeping detailed records on their whereabouts and... all of their conversations.
Frank:
Are you fucking kidding me?
Eldin:
In my defense, this is how Verge and I always operate, I need to be aware of our surroundings at all times.
Verge:
I’m not spying on people, Frank, Eldin’s only allowed to tell me things that effect my personal safety, everything else is in the vault.
Eldin:
That’s correct. Only when it’s a matter of life and death.
Verge:
Or funny.
Eldin:
Yes, there have been some funny bits I’ve shared. Did you know that Edgy Steve enjoys opera?
Frank:
Okay... Eldin we are going to have a very broad conversation about this very soon, but can you tell me what’s going on with June, please?
Eldin:
One moment. Let me compile a narrative from the data... Aha... well...
Frank:
What?
Eldin:
June wanted to cheer up Deidre, so they decided to procure some alcohol and head over to Deidre’s house to come up with some design ideas for when she moves back in.
Frank:
Okay.
Eldin:
This very quickly turned into the two of them becoming inebriated.
Frank:
Expected.
Eldin:
And June unveiling a theory that she knows where the quote “secret military base” is.
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
Eldin:
And the two of them driving to it’s alleged location.
Frank:
Great.
Eldin:
Where they then disappeared.
Verge:
What?
Frank:
Disappeared?
Eldin:
Yes.
Frank:
Disappeared... in an explainable way?
Eldin:
I believe so, yes.
Verge:
What is the explanation, Eldin?
Eldin:
It’s obviously the secret military base.
Frank:
... There’s really a secret military base?
Eldin:
Well, “secret” is a strong word. None of you knew it was there, seriously? It’s right there, Frank.
Frank:
I’ve never seen anything that suggests a secret military base. I grew up here, Eldin.
Eldin:
It’s giving off all sorts of frequencies, you never heard any strange sounds on your radio?
Frank:
Yes, I thought they were just radio sounds.
Eldin:
They are radio sounds, Frank. Radio sounds from the secret military base.
Frank:
Goddamnit. And what, they’re being held there now?
Eldin:
I would imagine so. Their phones have most likely been put in some sort of frequency blocking container.
Frank:
How the hell have they been hiding a military base in town?
Eldin:
It’s not in town, technically. About three kilometers around the mountain.
Frank:
What are they doing there?
Eldin:
I could tell you but I’d have to hack into their mainframe. That sort of thing requires permission.
Frank:
I give you permission.
Eldin:
Not from you.
Verge:
Do it.
Eldin:
One moment. Hello military firewall. Goodbye military firewall, and... Aha. It’s not categorized as a base, but rather a listening station. This nation’s government has them placed in strategic places all over the country, in quote “areas of interest.”
Verge:
What do they do to intruders?
Eldin:
I’m afraid intruders are at the mercy of the United States Military.
Verge:
And that entails?
Eldin:
It depends entirely on what they have and haven’t witnessed there at the station. If they’ve witnessed top secret operations, something is enacted called “Operation: Quick Wash.” Would you like a description?
Verge holsters their pistol and puts on their jacket.
Verge:
Nope. Frank, stay here. Let’s go, Eldin.
Frank:
Where are you going?
Verge:
Stay here!
The door closes.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Hello, Frank. I’m in your phone again. It’s still terrible in here, would you mind if I made some changes to your firmware?
Frank:
Yes, I would mind.
Eldin:
Alright.
We move to trinkett’s shop. Trinkett is asleep and wakes up with a start. AFter She catches her breath, she gets out of bed and picks up the phone. She dials and getS voicemail.
Trinkett:
Hey Frank, call me when you get this. Is anything going on? I just had the strangest dream. Call me.
She hangs up.
Trinkett:
He’s going to love that.
Trinkett walks outside. The town is quiet.
Trinkett:
... What are you telling me?
After a moment, doug comes around the corner.
Doug:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Oh, hey Doug.
Doug:
What are you doing out here?
Trinkett:
... I’m not sure. I had a very strange dream. What are you doing out here?
Doug:
Just closed up shop.
Trinkett:
... Anything going on?
Doug:
Not really. Been a quiet night, it’s been nice. Oh, Haisly Jay came by and bought a bunch of deer repellent. She just said, “I’ve got them on the run.” Whatever that means.
Trinkett:
Okay... I think I need to go to the Glade of Wishes.
Doug:
Okay. Do you need a ride?
Trinkett:
No, I think I need to walk.
Doug:
Okay.
Trinkett:
... Would you come with me?
Doug:
Yeah, sure.
Trinkett:
Thanks.
They start walking. We move to an empty room in the secret military base. Deidre is pacing and June, a little drunk, is sitting at a table.
Deidre:
I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.
June:
I don’t know, Deidre, I’m feeling pretty triumphant right now.
Deidre:
We’re prisoners, June.
June:
Of the secret military base that nobody believed was here. Huge win for us.
Deidre:
I can’t believe you were right about this.
June:
That’s right, Deidre. Like most visionaries, they called me insane. But look at me now!
Deidre:
Exactly. Look at you now. A prisoner.
June:
They can lock me up, but they can’t lock up the TRUTH, Deidre.
Deidre:
June, I think your plan to cheer me up has failed.
June:
Nonsense, you’re having a great time.
Deidre:
I’m not.
June:
You know what we need? We just need a couple of drinky-poos to get us nice and centered. Hey! Where’s the beverage service in here?! What kind of establishment are you running exactly?!
Deidre:
I really thought I was going to have a day where nothing fucked up happened.
June:
I know Deidre, but be honest. If nothing fucked up happened, wouldn’t you be just a little bit bored?
Deidre:
No.
June:
Tiny bit?
Deidre:
No.
June:
Just a little bit?
Deidre:
June.
June:
Deidre, this is going to be great. They’re going to ask us some questions and then let us go. We jumped over a fence, big deal. Damn, I wish Celeste was here to see this. She was the only other one who believed in the military base.
Deidre:
...
June:
...
Deidre:
Celeste.
June:
Celeste.
Deidre:
Who no one has seen for weeks.
June:
Yes.
Deidre:
Who also thought there was a secret military base.
June:
Uh huh.
Deidre:
... Oh my God.
June:
They have Celeste!
Deidre:
She’s been gone for weeks, how long are they going to hold us here!?
June:
We’re not leaving here without Celeste, you bastards!
The door to the room opens. Private Deborah kennedy enters with a clipboard.
Private Kennedy:
Could you both sit down, please?
June:
Who are you, what’s your deal?
Private Kennedy:
My name is Private Deborah Kennedy and you’re both in a lot of trouble. I suggest you sit down.
Deidre:
Oh God.
Deidre sits down.
June:
Listen here, Deborah. You’re the one who’s in a lot of trouble. You can’t just operate a secret military base without telling anybody.
Private Kennedy:
Not telling anybody is the key factor in operating a secret military base.
June:
Don’t get smart with me, Debbie.
Private Kennedy:
Please don’t call me Debbie.
Deidre:
Private, we’re very sorry and we’re going to answer all your questions. I swear we didn’t mean to end up here.
Private Kennedy:
Good.
Deborah sits.
Private Kennedy:
Full names, please?
Deidre:
Deidre Peppercorns.
June laughs.
Deidre:
June.
June:
I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that’s your last name.
Deidre:
That’s always been my last name.
June:
I know, I just... Debbie there’s this guy, he owns half the town and Deidre is his granddaughter and... sorry, sometimes I just forget the connection.
Private Kennedy:
This is one Theo Alex Dean Johansson Peppercorns?
June:
I’m sorry, what?
Deidre:
Yes, that’s his full name.
June:
T.J. is Theo Alex Dean Johansson Peppercorns?
Deidre:
You knew that.
June:
No I didn’t. If I had known that I would’ve been laughing for my entire life. How did it end up being T.J.?
Deidre:
I guess because T.A.D.J. Peppercorns sounds funny.
June:
Anything sounds funny when you put Peppercorns at the end of it.
Deidre:
That’s my name.
June:
And it’s funny.
Private Kennedy:
Excuse me. Your full name?
June:
I’m sorry. C.R. Iptid.
Private Kennedy:
... You’re clearly just spelling the word “ Cryptid.”
June:
Well God forbid somebody have a funny name around here.
Deidre:
Please just tell her your name.
June:
She already knows my name. She took our IDs, remember?
Private Kennedy:
I’m checking for known aliases.
June:
If you have to ask, it’s not a known alias is it, Debbie?
Private Kennedy:
Ladies... this is your one opportunity to convince us you’re not here for nefarious purposes. I suggest you take advantage of it.
Deidre:
We’re very sorry.
June:
I’m not sorry—she doesn’t speak for me. Deidre, c’mon, we’ve got to play hard ball with these people.
Private Kennedy:
You have literally zero bargaining power right now. You were both caught trying to break into a military facility.
Deidre:
I swear that’s not what we were trying to do.
June:
That’s right, we weren’t trying. We succeeded, Debbie! We broke into your little treehouse—just a couple of broads on a bender, how does that feel?
Deidre:
Oh God, I give up.
June:
Where’s Celeste, Debbie?
Deidre:
We’re not holding Celeste.
June:
Oh yeah? Why is that, because you already transferred her to Guantanamo Bay?!
Deidre:
Private, can you please tell us what we can do to fix this? We really didn’t mean any harm.
June:
You know, Celeste was just a misguided little weirdo and you all took her away from us and stowed her god knows where, you should be ashamed of yourself, Private Debbie!
The door opens and celeste walks in. She is wearing a military uniform.
Celeste:
You’re dismissed, Private.
Private kennedy exits.
Deidre:
...Celeste?
Celeste:
Deidre.
Deidre:
Celeste, what are you wearing?
Celeste:
A uniform, Deidre.
Deidre:
... Why?
Celeste:
... Because I’m in the military.
June:
Since when?
Celeste:
Since I was eighteen years old, June.
June:
Celeste, you need to absolutely get the fuck out of here.
Celeste:
I’d prefer Sergeant Major Joos( Yose), if you don’t mind.
June:
I mind!
Deidre:
Celeste, you... you’re in charge of this place?
Celeste:
Yes, I am, Deidre.
Deidre:
But... you were always saying you suspected a secret military base was nearby.
Celeste:
That’s correct.
Deidre:
But... you’ve been running it?
June:
You’ve been a double agent this whole time?! You sneaky little snot! Also: respect. Pretty impressive.
Celeste:
It’s standard psy-ops, Deidre. When you want to discredit an idea you plant someone on the inside that makes the idea look ridiculous. Nobody took me seriously in town, so when I talked about a secret military base they instantly dismissed it.
June:
I didn’t! I didn’t fall for it, Celeste! Look at me now! All your base are belong to me!
Celeste:
That’s true, June. Congratulations.
June:
Thank you.
Celeste:
That did just help me, though. Nobody takes you seriously either.
June:
How dare you?!
Deidre:
Celeste, so... all this time, you living in town has just been a big lie?
Celeste:
I’m afraid so, Deidre.
Deidre:
Celeste I... I helped you paint your living room one time, you... you were a part of this town. You’ve been lying the whole time?
Celeste:
Deidre-
Deidre:
We threw a birthday party for you at the Sheep’s Eye.
Celeste:
... Yes, I understand that-
June:
Celeste, do you see what you’ve done? Do you see how you’ve hurt poor Deidre over here?
Celeste:
Deidre I... I did live there. That was my home. It is. It was just... when you thought I was at home all day watching daytime television, I was just here.
June:
At the secret military base.
Celeste:
At the secret military base.
June:
Being a big fat liar.
Celeste:
It’s a secret military base.
June:
Not anymore.
Deidre:
But you disappeared a few weeks ago, what happened?
Celeste:
I’m afraid I can’t talk about that.
June:
Whatever.
A phone rings in the room.
Celeste:
Hang on.
Celeste answers the phone.
Celeste:
I said to not disturb me in here.
Frank:
(On the phone.) Hey Celeste, I’m over at your house right now, thought I’d check up on you. I brought your mail in, it was really piling up. When do you think you’ll be heading back?
Celeste:
... Frank, what are you doing at my house?
Frank:
Just being a good neighbor. You know I didn’t peg you as a Hummel Figurine collector.
Celeste:
Frank-
Frank:
You know what, I can see that you’re busy, I’ll catch you at the Sheep’s Eye.
Frank hangs up.
Celeste:
What the fuck?
Private Kennedy:
(On Celeste’s radio.) Ma’am.
Celeste:
What is it?
Private Kennedy:
We’re getting several security alerts on the perimeter.
Celeste:
Goddamnit, June. Who else is here?
June:
Nobody.
Celeste:
June.
June:
Maybe it’s raccoons in your garbage cans again, Celeste.
Celeste:
Take a security detail and sweep the perimeter.
Private Kennedy:
Yes, ma’am.
The phone rings again. Celeste picks it up.
Celeste:
Hello?
Frank:
(On the phone.) Hey, Celeste, one more thing. Do you think you’ll be back before the first freeze? I feel like I should leave the water running just a little bit, keep the pipes moving and all that. You don’t want a burst water pipe, water damage is a real killer.
Celeste:
Frank, how did you get this number?
Frank:
You know what, I’ll just go ahead an turn the taps on a little bit, better safe than sorry. Okay. Bye bye.
Frank hangs up.
Celeste:
What the hell is going on?
June:
Celeste, what the hell is all this about? Why the hell is there a military base on this stupid mountain?
Celeste:
I’m afraid I can’t divulge that.
June:
C’mon, we’re all friends here. Or at least we thought we were until we found out you were a big fat liar.
Celeste:
I suggest you stay focused on getting out of the mess you’ve gotten yourself into.
June:
Oh, suggestions? Is there a suggestion box? I’d like to make a suggestion. I suggest that Celeste stop being such a lying fraud.
Celeste:
It’s Sergeant Major Joss.
June:
Celeste, I would rather rewatch The Phantom Menace than call you Sergeant Major.
Deidre:
Wait. She said that she was in town to throw us off the trail?
June:
Yeah.
Deidre:
Which means that everything she said in town about the secret military base was the true thing that she didn’t want us to know.
June:
Deidre, you’re a damn genius. What did she say?
Deidre:
She said it was a listening station.
June:
You did.
Celeste:
You said it was a listening station.
June:
I did?
Deidre:
You agreed with her.
June:
You did?
Deidre:
She did.
June:
You did.
Celeste:
... I can’t divulge what goes on here.
Private Kennedy:
(On radio.) Ma’am?
Celeste:
What is it?
Private Kennedy:
There’s...
Celeste:
What is it?
Private Kennedy:
We’re not seeing anything on the perimeter.
Celeste:
Okay.
Private Kennedy:
But... I think I keep hearing something.
Celeste:
Hearing what?
Private Kennedy:
I don’t know.
Celeste:
Alright... cut the flood lights and switch to night vision goggles.
Private Kennedy:
Yes, ma’am. Cutting flood lights...
The phone rings again. Celeste picks up.
Celeste:
Frank, goddamn it.
Frank:
(On the phone.) Grass is getting a little long over here, Celeste. Do you want me to get our landscaping guy over here? He can take care of it no problem.
Celeste:
Frank, get out of my house.
Frank:
He’s coming by Tuesday, I’ll tell him to take a look.
Frank hangs up.
Private Kennedy:
Night vision goggles on... oh my God.
Over the radio we hear a CACOPHONY of sounds. Men screaming, random sprays of machine gun fire, men running away in fear.
Celeste:
Private. Report.
Private Kennedy:
There’s...
Celeste:
What is happening?
Private Kennedy:
What is that?...
Celeste:
... Private?
Over the radio we hear something approaching private kennedy.
Verge:
(Over the radio.) Give me the radio...
Celeste:
Private?
Verge:
Put Deidre on.
Celeste:
... Who is this?
Verge:
Put Deidre on, or I start getting really creative out here.
Celeste:
Who is this?
Deidre:
Verge, I’m fine. I’m okay.
Verge:
... Are you sure?
Deidre:
They’re just asking us questions. I’m fine.
Verge:
... Okay.
Deidre:
Verge, uh... The guards?
Verge:
They’re okay.
Deidre:
Good.
June:
I’m fine too, by the way.
Celeste:
Who is this and what have you done to my men?... Hello?
June:
... Okay, I’m going to come out and say it, ladies... that was hot. Right? Who’s with me? I feel like it’s book club night and the first 50 shades book just came out. Anybody?
The phone rings again. Celeste picks up the phone.
Celeste:
Frank.
Frank:
(On the phone.) Celeste. Hot water heater. What are we thinking? On? Off? When are you due back in town?
Celeste:
Frank.
Frank:
Hey, also, wanted to let you know I got you some new trash cans.
Celeste:
Frank, how the hell did you get this number?
Frank:
I’m old school, Celeste. I let my fingers do the walking.
Celeste:
We’re doing very sensitive work here, Frank. This isn’t a joke.
Frank:
Celeste, you being in charge of a top secret military base is absolutely a joke. Still working on the punchline, though.
Celeste:
It’s Sergeant Major Joos.
Frank:
There it is.
Celeste:
Do you have any idea how many federal laws you’re breaking right now?
Frank:
I’m breaking some local ones too—breaking and entering for example.
Celeste:
Why the hell are you in my house?
Frank:
Well, you’ve been missing for weeks, Celeste. I wanted make sure you were okay.
Celeste:
I’m fine.
Frank:
Are you sure?
Celeste:
Frank, get out of my house.
Frank:
Here’s what I don’t understand. You live here for years, pretending to be an old kook living up on the mountain. But then, the past few weeks you’ve been gone. Vanished without a trace. What’s up, Celeste?
Celeste:
What part of “very sensitive work” did you not understand?
Frank:
You know what, never mind, I’ll just ask my man here.
Eldin:
(On the phone.) Military Site 2626, codenamed “Happy Goat Station” was recently put under an Order 33—or “hurry up and wait” order—directing all sites to stock provisions and garrison personnel until further notice.
Celeste:
Who was that?
Frank:
Happy Goat Station? What kind of name is that? What happened to cool names like Ice Station Zebra?
Celeste:
Frank, if you are hacking into our databases-
Frank:
What? What’s going to happen? The military is going to come and sweep us up?
Celeste:
You think they won’t?
Frank:
Celeste, if that place you’ve been hiding yourself truly is a “listening station,” then I imagine you’ve been hearing some pretty strange things lately... Chinese parades? Laser gun shootouts? Oh, my new favorite one is the four story plant eater wandering around, what’s it called?
Eldin:
A Mungo.
Frank:
A Mungo. We’ve got a Mungo now.
June:
I can’t believe I missed the Mungo!
Frank:
All of this is happening and not a peep from Uncle Sam. I feel like you guys would’ve shown up already, especially since you’re “listening” right around the corner... What’s going on, Celeste?
Celeste:
... What do you want me to do here, Frank?
Frank:
I want you to load June and Deidre into one of those fun jeeps of yours and meet me in the town square.
Celeste:
I’m under orders here, Frank.
Frank:
When was their last communication from central command?
Eldin:
Their last communication from central command was weeks ago when they received the “hurry up and wait” order. They’ve heard nothing since.
Frank:
That’s odd. Boy, you guys must be going crazy out there... Meet me in the town square in one hour, Celeste. I’m sure we’ve got lots to talk about.
We move to the glade of wishes. Trinkett and Doug move through the grass.
Doug:
So, what are you looking for, Trinkett?
Trinkett:
I don’t know. I usually come here when I need to clear my head or shift my perspective somehow... or just make a wish.
Doug:
Really?
Trinkett:
Sure. I know it seems a little childish. But you need to put your intentions out there. You need to speak them out loud, they can’t stay locked up in your head.
Doug:
So you just stand here and wish something?
Trinkett:
Yeah. You want to give it a try?
Doug:
Uh... I don’t know.
Trinkett:
It’s okay... It’s always here if you need it.
Doug:
Okay... so, what was the dream you had?
Trinkett:
Oh. Honestly it was kind of stupid, it wasn’t some sort of vision from the other side or anything, it was just very vivid. Like I was really there.
Doug:
Where were you?
Trinkett:
... I was in my parents camper van. When I was a little kid, I wasn’t in school much. I was home schooled until middle school. My parents were always on the road with the fair and the only thing close to a classroom for me was Sesame Street. They had a tiny portable television and at 8am every morning I would look around for PBS and there it was: School. That was the dream. It was just me watching sesame street. But it was crystal clear. I can still see it in my head. Dreams fade but it’s still with me right now... I don’t know what to make of it.
Steve pops up from the grass.
Steve:
What episode was it?
Trinkett:
Shit! Steve!
Doug:
Steve, goddamnit!
Steve:
Hey, y’all.
Trinkett:
What are you doing out here?
Steve:
I’m out here all the time now. I love it out here.
Trinkett:
Do I want to know what you’re doing out here?
Steve:
I’m just hanging out. I found a nice flat rock right here to rest my head on, and I just look up at the sky and think. Sometimes I bring headphones.
Trinkett:
And sometimes you bring something else?
Steve:
Hey, it’s a free country. What are y’all doing?
Trinkett:
I had a weird dream. Doug’s trying to help me out.
Steve:
You had a dream about Sesame Street?
Trinkett:
Well, it wasn’t ABOUT Sesame Street, I was watching Sesame Street in the dream.
Steve:
Right, yeah, which episode?
Trinkett:
Steve there’s like a billion episodes of Sesame Street.
Steve:
What was in it?
Trinkett:
What was in it? Uh. The usual stuff... I think they were in Hawaii?
Doug:
Oh.
Steve:
Ohhhhh. Yeah, the Hawaii episode.
Doug:
That was a good one.
Trinkett:
You remember the episode?
Doug:
Yeah, it was a special episode. They filmed the whole thing in Hawaii.
Steve:
Huge moment for Snuffleupagus lore in that episode.
Trinkett:
Steve. Snuffleupagus lore?
Doug:
No, he’s right.
Steve:
Check it out. Snuffleupagus is lonely on Sesame Street, right? He’s wondering where all the other Snuffleupaguses are... Snuffleupagi? Which is it?
Doug:
Well, if Snuffleupagus is a greek root word then it would be Snuffleupaguses-
Trinkett:
Guys.
Steve:
Whatever. Snuffleupagus is lonely and he hears that there’s more Snuffleupaguses in Hawaii, so he goes to look for them.
Doug:
Right, and he looks and looks the entire episode, but he never finds them.
Steve:
But he doesn’t sweat it too much because, in the end, he’s got his family down on Sesame Street, even though none of them think he exists.
Doug:
Yes, we should remember this is a “pre-reveal” episode, so everyone still thought that Snuffleupagus was Big Bird’s imaginary friend.
Steve:
So there we are, at the end of the episode. Snuffleupagus laments, “Oh well, I guess I’ll never find any more of my people.” He walks away, but the camera stays. In those last moments we focus on the volcanic mountain behind him, and we clearly see the mountain behind him is in the exact form of a giant Snuffleupagus the size of a mountain. Like a sleeping giant... what will happen when he awakens one day?
Trinkett:
... Jesus Christ, Steve.
Steve:
Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, it was your dream.
Trinkett:
Okay... Okay, something sleeping in the mountain... I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean.
Steve:
Oh shit. You know, Mt. Hood is an active volcano. What if it’s going to blow.
Doug:
It’s a potentially active volcano but it’s been dormant for a few hundred years. Any eruption would be proceeded by years of earthquake swarms and it’s been quiet out there for a long time.
Steve:
I love it when your paranoia’s informative, man.
Doug:
Thank you, Steve... Steve is this the stone you were resting your head on?
Steve:
Yeah, give it try, it’s a nice little spot.
Trinkett:
What is it, Doug?
Doug:
... Has anything ever been built in this glade?
Trinkett:
I don’t think so, why?
Doug:
... This stone is a square.
Steve:
It is?
Doug:
You didn’t notice?
Steve:
No, I just laid my head down.
Trinkett:
That’s weird.
Steve:
You think something’s underneath?
Doug:
It’s probably left over from some construction a long time ago.
Trinkett:
I’ve been here a million times, I can’t believe I’ve never seen that.
Steve:
I’m turning it over.
Steve turns over the stone.
Steve:
Aha. We’ve discovered worms.
Trinkett:
There’s writing on the back.
Doug:
There is?
Trinkett:
Yeah, do one of you have a light on your phone?
Steve:
Yeah, hang on.
Trinkett starts to brush dirt off of the stone.
Trinkett:
It’s carved into the stone.
Steve:
Here you go.
Steve turns his phone light on.
Doug:
... What language is that?
Later that night in the town square.
Frank:
None of them?
Verge:
None of them.
Frank:
You killed none of the guards?
Verge:
Zero, Frank.
Frank:
...How’d you manage that?
Verge:
I’ve no idea, Frank, you’re all so fragile. Or perhaps I should say, they’re all so fragile.
Frank:
Let’s not start with that.
Verge:
Humans, am I right?
Frank:
That’s enough, thank you.
A car pulls into the town square.
Frank:
Okay, here she comes. Make yourself scarce.
Verge:
I’ll be in the Sheep’s Eye.
The vehicle comes to a stop. Celeste gets out with June and Deidre.
Deidre:
Hi, Frank. Sorry.
June:
Sweet freedom.
Frank:
I’ll say this, June. You did take Deidre’s mind off her problems.
June:
See there. I’m a solution factory over here.
Celeste:
Frank.
Frank:
Sarge.
Celeste:
Their little visit to the base wasn’t officially logged in my report. They got lucky this time.
Frank:
That’s very neighborly of you.
Celeste:
Well they’re... my neighbors.
Frank:
So, this whole time you’ve been pretending to be the town weirdo and then working at a secret military base?
Celeste:
Frank, everyone who lives in this town is the town weirdo.
June:
Hard to argue with.
Frank:
What are you guys even doing there?
Celeste:
That’s classified.
Frank:
Uh huh.
Celeste:
What do you think we’ve been doing, Frank? Look around.
Frank:
You’ve been there for years, Celeste. Way before any of this weird bullshit started going on.
Celeste:
Look, this... this area is of special interest to the united states military. I’m just going to leave it at that.
Frank:
Whatever. Thanks for giving us back Deidre and June.
Celeste:
I kind of had to, Frank. Apparently you’ve employed a hacker and some sort of Ninja.
Frank:
Yeah, about that. There’s been a clown car of nonsense rolling through town constantly, Celeste. Your bosses haven’t said anything to you about it?
Celeste:
... I can’t say.
Frank:
You’re under a “hurry up and wait order,” apparently. You’re supposed to just sit tight and wait for orders?... How long have you been waiting, Celeste?
Celeste:
We haven’t heard from command in... a while.
Frank:
Think they might be otherwise occupied?
Celeste:
With what?
Frank:
I heard the Chilean military has been seizing observatories. Think it has anything to do with that?
June:
Wait, what is this? Frank, how come you haven’t told me about any of this?
Frank:
You were a little too busy getting drunk and jumping over barbed wire fences, June.
June:
There was very little barbed wire.
Trinkett, Steve, and Doug approach.
Trinkett:
What’s going on?
Frank:
Trinkett. Look who we found.
Trinkett:
Celeste?
Doug:
Why is she dressed like that?
Trinkett:
Celeste, where have you been?
Steve:
Is she going to a costume party?
June:
Why does Doug have a big rock?
Doug:
Whose Jeep is that?
Deidre:
Does it have writing on it?
Doug:
Oh, right... can anyone read Chinese?
Verge:
Excuse me. Sounds like everybody’s got a lot of questions. How about somebody open the bar?
Later that night. Eldin scans the writing on the stone. Frank and Celeste sit at the bar.
Eldin:
Angle me a little higher please.
Doug:
What is... going on right now?
June:
Shh.
Eldin:
It’s ancient Chinese, which makes it a bit tricky because of the flexible word functions. Also, whoever carved the characters into this stone was not exactly a craftsman. Essentially, it is a message from a man named Xu Fu.
Steve:
Who the hell is that?
Eldin:
If it’s the same Xu Fu from historical documents, he was a legendary explorer. His emperor deeply feared death and sent him on a quest to find an elixir of immortality whose ingredients could only be found at the top of a legendary mountain named Penglai. This tablet is a message to his emperor. “I will finally return from the mountain, though I have changed as much as the land around me. The mountain will be found again, the mountain will be lost again. Forever.”
June:
... Well, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Deidre approaches verge at the bar.
Deidre:
Hey.
Verge:
Hey. Sorry if that was a little too much tonight. I got worried.
Deidre:
No, I felt... I felt a lot better when I heard your voice on the radio...
Verge:
...
Deidre:
... I want to say something.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
I called you a liar the other day... And, um... I was sitting there in that room tonight with Celeste and she was just totally lying to us the whole time and... I guess putting her in the same category as you felt a little wrong... you were just trying to stay alive. I want you to know that I understand the position you were in.
Verge:
I still don’t feel right about it.
Deidre:
... I don’t have a lot of secrets.
Verge:
I know.
Deidre:
Kind of an open book over here.
Verge:
You are.
Deidre:
I imagine it must be kind of terrifying to tell someone who you really are.
Verge:
... It really is terrifying, Deidre.
Deidre:
... I mean, I should’ve known... Look at you. Of course you fell from the sky.
Frank:
I have to say, I’m having a hard time seeing you as a person in charge of other people.
Celeste:
It’s true, Frank. A lot of people depend on my leadership.
Frank:
Okay, I’m sorry, that just sounds surreal.
Celeste:
I didn’t enjoy it, Frank. I didn’t enjoy lying to all of you.
Frank:
Oh, I think you did a little bit.
Celeste:
You know what, Frank? How long did it take you?
Frank:
What?
Celeste:
To realize I was gone. How long did it take you?
Frank:
...
Celeste:
Uh huh.
Frank:
It took a few weeks, okay?
Celeste:
Okay, so maybe enough with the smart remarks.
Frank:
I’m sorry. We’re all sorry. Yes, you were totally lying to us and apparently spying on all of us, but yes, we were not very attentive to the completely fictional version of you that you created to deceive us all.
Celeste:
Jokes on you, buddy. I’m taking that as an apology.
Frank:
So... what now, Celeste? We all know your secret. What are we going to do about it?
Celeste:
Hell, I don’t know. We’ll just have to keep it a secret that you know our secret.
Frank:
We can do that.
Celeste:
Good.
Private kennedy walks in.
Private Kennedy:
Ma’am?
Celeste:
What is it, Private?
Private Kennedy:
May I speak with you?
Celeste:
Order me another, I’ll be right back.
Frank:
Do you want to take a roadie back for your storm troopers?
Celeste:
I might, Frank. Thanks for thinking of me.
Celeste steps outside with Private Kennedy.
Celeste:
What is it?
Private Kennedy:
We’ve received orders from Western Command.
Celeste:
Finally. Where are they?
Private Kennedy:
I have them on the secure tablet here.
Celeste:
Good.
Private kennedy hands her a tablet. she opens it and reads.
Celeste:
... What the fuck?
Private Kennedy:
Ma’am?
Celeste:
... It’s been a strange night, Private, but I’m afraid it’s going to get even stranger.
Private Kennedy:
What do you mean, ma’am?
Celeste:
Go back to base and tell everyone there’ll be a debrief in one hour.
Private Kennedy:
You’re not coming?
Celeste:
I’ll be along soon. I need to do something.
Private Kennedy:
What?
Celeste:
Follow my instincts.
Celeste walks back inside the bar.
Frank:
Sarge. What’s the news? Planning a big Christmas party?
Celeste:
Tell me something, Frank.
Frank:
What’s that?
Celeste:
Do the words “Wayfaring Stranger” mean anything to you?
The end.