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Welcome to the Horizon
Part 1: Town Meeting
We hear sound of The sheep’s eye roadhouse. People are continually filing in as Frank and June sit at the bar.
June:
... So that was fun.
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
Kinda been looking for a category to put that whole experience in.
Frank:
Me too.
June:
All night. I’ve been doing that all night.
Frank:
You didn’t sleep either?
June:
Sleep? Ha! Sure. Sleep.
Frank:
...
June:
It’s like... Everybody has weird shit happen to them, right? They swear they saw a ghost or a UFO or Sasquatch.
Frank:
But that’s easy to understand.
June:
Right. I know what a UFO is or Bigfoot but this...
Frank:
Hard to describe.
June:
“Gather round the campfire, everyone, and let me tell you of the time an entire diner appeared in our parking lot.”
Frank:
“And how right before that, several copies of my mom and dad started arguing in said parking lot.”
June:
“And how some leggy redhead showed up and apparently started unravelling reality.”
Frank:
“And how it was all solved by the... I don’t know... the universe being rebooted or something.”
June:
“And before all that, Frank was disintegrated and then put back together again by that same redhead.”
Frank:
...
June:
Sorry, too soon?
Deidra:
Hey, you two. What can I get you?
June:
Deidra.
Deidra:
Hey.
Frank:
You’re back.
Deidra:
Yeah, I’m back.
June:
I thought you joined the Peace Corp or something.
Deidra:
You did? Why?
June:
I asked TJ where his granddaughter went and he said “She joined the Peace Corp or something.”
Deidra:
Oh. No, I was doing some community organizing in the city.
Frank:
What were you doing?
Deidra:
It was the “Stop the Tram” project?
June:
There’s a tram? What tram are you stopping?
Deidra:
The Mt. Hood Tram?
June:
Am I supposed to know about this?
Frank:
I don’t know anything about this.
Deidra:
They want to build an arial tram that takes people all the way to the top of the mountain.
Frank:
Really?
Deidra:
Yes.
June:
And you stopped it?
Deidra:
(Trying to stay positive.) Nope. They’re totally building it. We totally failed. Months and months of getting the word out and we totally failed. And then I fell into a deep “what the hell am I doing with my life” depression, so I figured I should probably come work for my grandpaw again. So, I am now back, completely humiliated, serving drinks to locals.
June:
That suck, Deidra, I’m sorry. How’re you holding up?
Deidra:
Still super depressed, successfully covering it all up by being chipper.
June:
Atta girl.
Frank:
Hey Deidra, let me ask you something, have you noticed anything weird lately?
Deidra:
Weird?
Frank:
Out of the ordinary.
Deidra:
Does being a grown-ass woman without any direction in life count?
Frank:
Let’s say no.
Deidra:
Then, no.
Frank:
If you notice anything out of the ordinary, could you give me a call? You have my number, right?
Deidra:
Sure. That’s kind of a weird thing to say, Frank.
June:
That is kind of a weird thing to say, Frank.
Frank:
Just give me a call, okay?
Deidra:
Okay. What can I get you?
Frank:
Two IPAs?
Deidra:
Sure.
June:
What are you doing?
Frank:
You heard what they said last night. Things could get weird here, we should keep a lookout.
June:
That was last night.
Frank:
I know I just figured, Clementine was here a few times, maybe... I don’t know.
June:
You’re going to start a neighborhood watch for strangeness?
Frank:
I don’t know.
June:
... Frank, are you maybe a little freaked out right now?
Frank:
Aren’t you?
June:
Yeah... I think I’m still in shock.
Frank:
Let me know when that wears off.
June:
But that scientist lady didn’t tell me that I got... I forget her exact words.
Frank:
She said, “At one point she disintegrated your body... and then she reconstructed your body from ambient molecules in the atmosphere.”
June:
Yeah... that’s not great.
Frank:
No.
June:
But look... look I’m poking you right now.
Frank:
I can see that.
June:
That’s solid Frank, right there. You’re right there.
Frank:
Am I?
June:
Yes.
Frank:
If my truck was destroyed and then someone made a new truck out of thin air that looks like my truck, is that my truck?
June:
I don’t know, did you check the glove compartment for that road flare you keep in there?
Frank:
I’m being serious.
June:
Yeah, I know Frank, but you just brought up some serious philosophical shit just now, I don’t know if we’re going to get that worked out in an afternoon at the Sheep’s Eye Roadhouse.
Frank:
Guess not.
June:
You’re Frank. You’re right there.
Frank:
Okay.
Flat Doug:
Hey, Frank?
Frank:
Flat Doug.
Flat Doug:
... I asked people to stop calling me Flat Doug.
Frank:
Sorry. Doug. Hi.
Flat Doug:
I heard you were asking around about weird shit?
Frank:
You... How did you hear about that already?
Flat Doug:
I don’t know.
Frank:
That was like ninety seconds ago.
Flat Doug:
Look, I heard it, okay?
June:
Are you seeing some weird shit, Doug?
Flat Doug:
No.
June:
Okay.
Frank:
... Okay. What are we talking about then, Doug?
Flat Doug:
I just want to be warned if there’s anything weird going on.
Frank:
I see.
Flat Doug:
I don’t like weird shit, Frank.
June:
We understand.
Flat Doug:
I’ve been hit by two snow plows, I don’t like weird shit. It’s a pattern with me.
Frank:
We get it.
June:
Technically, getting hit by three snow plows would be a pattern. Twice is just a coincidence.
Flat Doug:
Why would you even put that out into the world, June?
June:
I’m sorry.
Flat Doug:
Now I’m freaked out about a third snow plow.
Frank:
She’s really sorry.
June:
It’s currently Spring, so, you’ve got that working for you.
Frank:
We didn’t mean renegade snow plows, we were just talking about... just, if you see anything out of the ordinary give me a call at the Motel, okay?
Flat Doug:
You guy’s have got to tell me if something’s going on.
Frank:
We will, Doug, I promise. Give me a call?
Flat Doug:
Yeah, okay.
June:
Look both ways when you cross the street... I mean, seriously who doesn’t hear a snow plow coming?
Frank:
We have to protect Flat Doug, no one else is going to work at the convenience store, it takes a particular brand of human to do that.
June:
The “plow magnet” brand, apparently.
Celeste:
Frank?
Frank:
Hey, Celeste.
Celeste:
I heard you were looking for weird stuff?
Frank:
Jesus.
June:
See what you did?
Frank:
I was... Sure, Celeste, what have you got?
Celeste:
Well, the raccoons were back at my place again.
Frank:
Celeste, you’ve really got to fix your garbage cans okay?
Celeste:
There were two of them. I heard them back there, they knocked over my trash cans, so I rush out back to shoo them away, and when I hit them with the porch lights, one of them he... instead of running away he just stood up. Like a man. And he stood there with his arms wide, like this... He just stood there like he wanted a hug or something. He stood there like that for five minutes...
June:
You stood there, staring down a raccoon for five minutes?
Celeste:
Well what was I supposed to do?
June:
Discuss current events?
Frank:
I don’t think that’s the kind of weird thing we we’re talking about, Celeste, but you really need some locking trash cans.
Celeste:
Why am I going to spend money on something I put garbage in?
Frank:
We just replaced ours at the motel, I’ll bring a couple of our old ones by your place, okay?
Celeste:
Yeah, okay... Standing there like a man.
Frank:
I understand.
June:
... I would say she needs to quit drinking but I think I’m more scared of a sober Celeste. Oh shit, Edgy Steve alert.
Edgy Steve:
Frank, how’re you doing, pal?
Frank:
Steve.
Edgy Steve:
Listen, I’m hearing rumblings in town about weird shit going on.
Frank:
How does this happen in two minutes?
Edgy Steve:
I’d like to get the inside track on this. I need to know what’s going on at all times. I don’t want any surprises.
Frank:
There’s nothing to tell, Steve. It’s just a question I asked Deidre literally two minutes ago.
Edgy Steve:
I need to stay abreast of these things, Frank.
Frank:
Abreast?
Edgy Steve:
A guy like me? I’m an entrepreneur.
Frank:
You’re a meth dealer.
Edgy Steve:
And as an entrepreneur I need to have my finger on the pulse of the community. I need to be jacked into the nervous system, I need to stay on top of trends.
Frank:
In a town of six hundred people?
Edgy Steve:
I have a lot of projects coming down the pipeline, if there’s weird shit going on, I need to know about it.
June:
What are these projects, Steve?
Edgy Steve:
I can’t talk about it, it’s proprietary.
June:
What does proprietary mean?
Edgy Steve:
Proprietary means I can’t talk about it.
June:
That’s not what proprietary means.
Frank:
Okay, I promise I’ll keep you updated, Steve.
Edgy Steve:
Thanks, man. Hey, are you on Linkedin?
Frank:
Please go away now.
Deidre puts two pints of beer on the bar.
Deidra:
Two IPAs.
Frank:
Thank you.
Deidra:
Hey, Frank, my grandpaw just called, he wants to know why you’re asking around about weird things going on.
Frank:
Your-... Where is your grandfather right now?
Deidra:
Wyoming.
Frank:
How did... Does he have security cameras up in this place or something?
Deidra:
Uh, I don’t know, maybe?
Frank:
Okay. (Addressing the entire bar.) Everybody-can you cut the music for a second Deidra-Everybody listen up. Everybody... Look, I know I just asked Deidra literally a few seconds ago if she’s seen anything weird lately, that doesn’t mean it’s time for people to panic, it was an innocent question it’s not anything to worry about.
Flat Doug:
Did you hear about Celeste’s raccoons?
Celeste:
Standing up like a man.
Frank:
That’s not what I’m talking about at all. Raccoons do weird things, we’ve all seen it, that’s not what I’m talking about.
June:
What are you talking about, though?
Frank:
Are you going to help me here?
June:
This is what happens when you don’t discuss things with me beforehand.
Edgy Steve:
Frank, we all live here, okay? If there’s something you’re not telling us, I feel like we have a right to know what it is.
Flat Doug:
And if it involves snow plows.
Frank:
It doesn’t involve snow plows.
Flat Doug:
Is this about the secret military base?
Frank:
There’s no secret military base.
Flat Doug:
I mean, the very nature of a secret military base is that you don’t know about it.
Celeste:
Their transmissions break into my radio station sometimes.
Frank:
No, they don’t.
June:
I’m with Celeste, I think they’ve got one of those listening stations hidden around the other side of the mountain.
Celeste:
That’s what it is, a listening station.
Frank:
Really? Can either of you tell me what a listening station is?
Celeste:
It’s a...
June:
It’s where they listen to things.
Frank:
No, you can’t. You can’t say it’s nearby if you don’t know what it is.
Celeste:
Agree to disagree.
Flat Doug:
Frank, you can’t start asking about weird shit going on without telling us why.
Frank:
Never mind. Okay? Forget I said anything. I’m not asking about anything, I’m not curious, I’m not suspicious. I’m nothing. Okay? I’m Frank. I’m sitting here at the bar having a beer. That’s it. No weird shit is going on. Everything’s fine. Everything’s normal.
We hear several shots from a revolver echoing outside.
Frank:
What was that?
June:
Were those gunshots?
Frank:
What is that, hunters? Doug, when is hunting season?
Flat Doug:
Not til October.
We hear several more gunshots.
Flat Doug:
Also that’s not a rifle.
Frank walks outside the sheep’s eye. Everyone follows. They all listen.
Frank:
Doug, what do you mean it wasn’t a rifle?
Flat Doug:
Sounded more like a pistol.
June:
(To Frank.) Is Flat Doug a gun person?
Frank:
He is.
June:
A guy with his kind of luck should not be a gun person.
Frank:
You ever tried to get a gun person to not be a gun person?
More shots ring out.
Frank:
Where’s it coming from?
Edgy Steve:
I think it’s that way.
Celeste:
No, it’s the other way, you’re hearing the echo.
Edgy Steve:
I think you’re hearing the echo.
Flat Doug:
That’s definitely a pistol. Colt 45, I think.
June:
It’s getting closer.
Deidra:
Is anybody else hearing a horse?
We begin to hear a horse approaching at full gallop. More shots ring out, getting closer and closer.
Frank:
What the hell?
June:
Oh shit, over there.
The horse gets closer and closer and speeds right past them with a bandit riding it.
Relentless Rick:
You’ll never catch me, Lawman!
Relentless rick rides past them at full clip, firing his colt 45. Halfway down the block, his horse comes to a stop and he leaps off.
June:
What the fuck?
Relentless Rick:
Relentless Rick don’t surrender for nothin’!
He fires more shots.
Frank:
Everybody down!
Flat Doug:
What the hell is happening?
June:
Since when do we have outlaws?
Frank:
Deidra, get down!
Deidra:
That’s Relentless Rick.
Frank:
What?
Deidra:
That’s... He’s a bandit.
We hear breaking glass.
Edgy Steve:
Why is he breaking into the sporting goods store?
Frank:
Deidra, what are you talking about?
Deidra:
Relentless Rick, he... he robbed the cash stores of timber companies.
Frank:
Robbed? Past tense?
Deidra:
In the... 1850s?
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
June:
Hey Frank. I found something weird.
Celeste:
He couldn’t just wait for the store to open?
Frank:
Why is he breaking into the sporting goods store?
June:
Maybe he’s having a sporting goods emergency?
Deidra:
The sporting goods store used to be a holding station for a timber company. They kept the payroll there.
Relentless Rick:
(Inside the store.) Where’s the damn money?!
Frank:
Is there anybody in there?
Flat Doug:
It’s the off season. Jeremiah’s got the place closed up until September.
Edgy Steve:
Is this some kind of historical reenactment thing? Like for tourists? Because I was thinking of doing something like that, that’s my intellectual property in there.
Frank:
That’s not how intellectual property works.
Deidra:
Frank, what’s going on?
Frank:
Uhh...
June:
Okay, everybody listen up. When Frank was asking about weird shit going on, this is what he was talking about. Some sort of wild west character riding a horse through town shooting a gun. Okay? Weird, right? This is what he meant.
Three shots ring out, all of them RICOCHETING off of metal.
Relentless Rick:
(Inside the shop.) Gol durn!
Frank:
What the fuck is he doing now?
June:
I think he’s shooting Jeremiah’s safe.
Flat Doug:
Are we just going to let him go crazy in there?
Frank:
Where is Jeremiah?
Celeste:
He’s a paralegal in Eugene during the off-season.
June:
Jeremiah’s a paralegal?
Celeste:
Helped me file for divorce number two.
Frank:
Okay, can someone get Jeremiah on the phone and tell him what’s happening?
Deidra:
I think we have his number inside.
Edgy Steve:
What are you going to do?
Frank:
I guess I’m going to go talk to him?
Flat Doug:
He’s got a gun, Frank.
Frank:
Well, he hasn’t hit anything yet.
June:
I’m coming with you.
Frank:
No, stay here-
June:
Oh shut up, I’m coming with you.
Frank:
Fine. Everyone else stay here.
Celeste:
Frank. What the hell is going on?
Frank:
Okay... Okay, June’s right, this is the weird shit I was talking about okay. Things may start getting a little weird in town. I can’t really explain why. Just... we’re going to figure this out okay? Stay here. You stay here, June and I are going to talk to him.
Frank and june approach the sporting goods store.
Frank:
Okay, so we’re in agreement that this is not some history nut, that this is the actual guy?
June:
Oh yeah, that’s the guy.
Frank:
What was his name again?
June:
Relentless Rick.
Frank:
For fuck’s sake. This is not the type of weirdness I was expecting.
June:
You know what’s funny? This is not the weirdest thing to happen to us in the last 24 hours.
Frank:
That’s a good way of looking at it.
June:
We’re nowhere near “One Thousand Hyundai Sonatas” territory. Though, I wasn’t expecting any weird shit we saw to be this... rootin’ tootin’.
Frank:
Any idea how to appeal to an outlaw from the 1850s?
June:
I don’t know? Whiskey? Prostitutes? Hand rolled cigarettes?
Frank lightly knocks on the door of the sporting goods store.
Relentless Rick:
(Inside.) Who’s there?
Frank:
Uh, hey there, it’s Rick, right?
Relentless Rick:
That ain’t my name.
Frank:
... Relentless Rick?
Relentless Rick:
That’s me.
Frank:
Okay, Rick there’s not any money in there.
Relentless Rick:
I’m lookin’ at a safe right now, you’re tellin’ me there ain’t no money in it?
Frank:
It’s empty. (to June.) It’s empty, right?
June:
I guess so?
Frank:
It’s empty. They uh... they empty it out in the off season and they take it to a bank in the city.
Relentless Rick:
There ain’t no bank in the city.
Frank:
Shit, really?
June:
Get it together, 1850s Oregon.
Relentless Rick:
Who in the heck are you?
Frank:
I’m Frank. I run the uh... I run the hotel in town.
Relentless Rick:
Hotel?
Frank:
Yeah.
Relentless Rick:
They got a damn hotel in town now?
Frank:
They do.
Relentless Rick:
This place is goin’ straight to hell.
June:
It really is, Rick.
Relentless Rick:
Who’s the lady?
June:
I’m June. Hi. I run the uh... dress shop?
Relentless Rick:
They got a damn Hotel and a damn dress shop now?
June:
Sure do.
Relentless Rick:
That’s a damn shame. Used to be nothin’ but trees around here.
June:
That’s good news for you, Rick, it’s really hard to rob a tree.
Relentless Rick:
(Laughs.) Hell I guess that’s right.
Frank:
Rick, you’ve got a lot of people really scared out here.
Relentless Rick:
They should be, durn it. If I don’t get this safe open I’m going to have to use my last stick of dynamite, and I was saving that for a special occasion.
Frank:
No dynamite, Rick. Really bad idea.
June:
Rick, the safe is empty.
Relentless Rick:
Ma’am I been all over this territory and I ain’t never seen an empty safe. You don’t get yourself a safe so’s it can sit there empty.
June:
That’s a fair point, actually. Also, he called me Ma’am. Very classy.
Frank:
Deidre! Did you get Jeremiah on the phone?
Deidra:
(Taking cover by the Sheep’s Eye.) I’m on with him right now.
Frank:
Tell him we need the combination to his safe.
Deidra:
Why?
Frank:
We need to show him that it’s empty.
Deidra:
Oh... okay...
Frank:
Rick, listen, we’re going to get you the combination to the safe so you can see it’s empty, okay?
Relentless Rick:
You better.
Frank:
No dynamite, Rick.
Relentless Rick:
Y’all better hurry up.
Deidra:
36, 22, 31.
Frank:
Okay Rick, it’s 36, 22, 31.
Relentless Rick:
... I ain’t never opened a safe with the combination before.
June:
Bless his heart.
Frank:
Go right, then left, then right.
Relentless Rick:
... Right.... Left... right...
We hear the safe open.
Relentless Rick:
Well, shit.
Frank:
See?
Relentless Rick:
... What in all hell is this safe doin’ here empty?
Frank:
It’s like you were saying, Rick. The whole town’s going to hell.
Three more shots ring out, he’s shooting the safe again.
June:
Rick! Rick, rick, c’mon, man, you’re just wasting bullets now, I’m sure they’re expensive.
Relentless Rick:
... Shit.
June:
Rick... Rick you sound a little desperate in there. Are you on the run from a... what do they call it?
Frank:
A posse?
June:
A posse! That’s it. Rick are you on the run from a posse? I can almost guarantee they’re not going to find you.
Frank:
Please, God, don’t let a posse start riding through town.
Relentless Rick:
I ain’t runnin’ from no posse.
June:
... Rick, what’s going on? You sound like a sad little cowboy in there.
Relentless Rick:
I ain’t runnin’ from a posse.
June:
What are you running from, Rick?
Relentless Rick:
... Progress.
June:
Progress?
Frank:
Progress... Deidra!
Deidra:
What?
Frank:
When did Oregon become a state?
Deidra:
A state?
Frank:
Yeah.
Deidra:
1859.
Frank:
Ah... progress.
June:
Progress... Hey, Rick... Rick are you worried about the Oregon Territory becoming a state?
Relentless Rick:
Soon as they sign them papers I’m gonna have US Marshalls headed right up my ass.
June:
That’s a striking visual, Rick, but are you sure that’s true?
Relentless Rick:
That’s what happened in California. Soon as they joined up I ran north. You think I want to be up here? I hate the rain.
June:
Yeah, it’s a lot. You try and tell people it rains a lot but they just don’t hear you.
Relentless Rick:
I feel like I ain’t been dry in seven years.
June:
My heart goes out to this guy.
Frank:
How many people has he killed?
June:
Hey. Don’t do that to Rick. He has one skill. Baditry. What’s he supposed to do?
Frank:
Should we talk to him about community college?
June:
So what was the plan, Rick?
Relentless Rick:
Same’s everybody else in my line of work.
June:
Canada?
Relentless Rick:
Canada.
June:
And you needed one last score.
Relentless Rick:
That’s about the size of it.
Frank:
What do you want to do? Start a gofundme for the time traveling cowboy?
June:
How much did you need, Rick?
Relentless Rick:
More than you got on you, Ma’am.
June:
Okay, let’s run some numbers. Let’s see what we can do.
Relentless Rick:
... Seventy five dollars.
June:
... Seventy five dollars?
Relentless Rick:
That’s right.
June:
Seventy five dollars will get you to Canada and get you set up with a new life?
Relentless Rick:
By my estimations.
June:
Goddamn, inflation is real.
Frank:
Everybody come here!
Edgy Steve:
I’m not going over there, he has a gun.
Frank:
I’m pretty sure he used all his bullets on the safe, come here!
June:
What are you doing?
Frank:
Have you got seventy-five dollars on you?
June:
No.
Frank:
How much do you have?
June:
... Eleven.
Frank:
That’s a start, give it here.
June:
We’re giving him the money?
Frank:
We give him the money and he he’ll at least get out of town and be Canada’s problem.
June:
Okay.
Flat Doug:
Frank, what are we doing?
Frank:
We need seventy-five dollars, how much cash do you have?
Flat Doug:
Uh, like eight dollars.
Celeste:
Five.
Deidra:
I could check my tip jar but it’s kind of early in the day.
Frank:
Great. Steve?
Edgy Steve:
I don’t carry cash.
Frank:
You’re a drug dealer.
Edgy Steve:
I am many things, thank you.
Frank:
Steve.
Edgy Steve:
I’m 100% Venmo now.
Frank:
How were you all drinking at the bar just now?
Deidra:
They’re all on a tab.
Frank:
Of course they are. Deidra, can you get seventy-five dollars out of the til. Tell TJ I’ll pay him back.
June:
And a bottle of whiskey. Preferably one with no label and just a cork in it.
Deidra:
O...kay.
June:
Rick, we’re going to try and help you out okay?
Relentless Rick:
This ain’t the typical reaction when I come to town firin’ my gun.
June:
Well, it’s like you said, Rick, the whole town’s going to Hell.
Relentless Rick:
Y’all are gonna pay me to leave town?
June:
We are, but don’t take it personally, Rick.
Deidra:
Okay, here’s the money. We didn’t have any bottles without labels so I got the bottle of Old Grandad because it sounded the old-timey-est.
June:
Great work, Deidra. Give it here.
Frank:
You’re going in there?
June:
Yeah, I’m going to go hang out with the bandit.
Frank:
And then encourage him to leave town?
June:
Of course, Frank.
Frank:
He doesn’t get to crash on your couch.
June:
Oh relax. Rick, I’m coming in.
June opens the door and walks in.
June:
... Hey there, Cowboy.
Relentless Rick:
Ma’am.
June:
Here you go. Seventy-five dollars.
Relentless Rick:
I can’t believe y’all are just giving me money.
June:
Consider it a severance package from America.
Relentless Rick:
A what now?
June:
Never mind. Here, have some whiskey.
Relentless Rick:
Obliged.
Rick drinks the whiskey.
Relentless Rick:
What in Hell is all this?
June:
Skiing gear.
Relentless Rick:
Skiing?
June:
Yeah, it’s uh... See these here? You go to the top of the mountain, strap these to your feet, and then go down the side of the mountain very fast.
Relentless Rick:
That sounds ill advised.
June:
You rob people for a living, Rick.
Relentless Rick:
I suppose I ain’t one to talk, am I?
June:
No, Rick, you’re a bonafide crime-doer.
Relentless Rick:
Skiing... The world keeps changin’ on me. You ever get that feeling?
June:
Oh yeah. All the time. It’s why I live way up here. Seems like big changes happen in the city first and then make their way out here. At least that way I can see them coming, I don’t have to wake up one morning and suddenly everything’s different. My mom worked a lot and my Dad was always out on a fishing boat, so I never really knew what to expect when I woke up in the morning. Living up here gives me a little lead time.
Relentless Rick:
I always knew what to expect of my daddy.
June:
That’s nice.
Relentless Rick:
Expected him to be drunk.
June:
Ah.
Relentless Rick:
Drove me out of the house when I was eleven years old. Figured I knew how to ride a horse and shoot a gun, what else do I need to know?
June:
How to drive stick?
Relentless Rick:
Now look. Everything’s about to be the United States around here. I don’t know how to operate in a land that’s got laws. How’m I supposed to keep track of ‘em all?
June:
There does seem to be a lot of them.
Relentless Rick:
Now I gotta’ figure how to be a gol’ durn Canadian. I ain’t learnin’ no French, that’s for damn sure.
June:
Maybe you’ll like it up there.
Relentless Rick:
I don’t even know what they do up there. What transpires in Canada?
June:
I think it’s mostly beaver hunting and syrup making at this point.
Relentless Rick:
Well that’s just sad.
June:
Yeah, I guess so. Always a white Christmas, though.
Relentless Rick:
Maybe I’ll get one o’ them furry hats.
June:
Sure. Grow a beard. Hunt a moose. Get weird with it, Rick.
Relentless Rick:
Might not be so bad.
June:
That’s the national motto of Canada: “Might not be so bad.”
Relentless Rick:
... Maybe I’ll learn a little French.
June:
Maybe just a word or two. You never know.
Relentless Rick:
... I appreciate y’all helpin’ me out.
June:
Don’t mention it. Come on outside and say hello to everyone before you go.
Relentless Rick:
Yeah, alright.
June opens the front door and they walk into the street.
June:
Everyone, this is Relentless Rick, the soon-to-be-Canadian.
Relentless Rick:
Afternoon all. Sorry about the mess.
Deidra:
Is... is that actually-
Frank:
Yeah. Yes, it is.
Flat Doug:
I’m freaking out over here, Man.
Frank:
Just keep it together, Doug.
Edgy Steve:
I’ve never seen someone wear that much leather.
Celeste:
I have.
Relentless Rick:
I’m all turned around. Which way’s north?
Frank:
That way. Keep the sun on your right in the morning, on your left in the afternoon. Eventually you’ll hit Canada.
Relentless Rick:
Alright y’all.
Relentless rick mounts his horse.
Relentless Rick:
I’d uhh... I’d consider it a personal favor if you wouldn’t tell nobody about this. Mighty embarrassing for an outlaw to be receivin’ charity.
June:
We promise to tell them you robbed us.
Relentless Rick:
Thank you kindly, Ma’am. Let’s ride! HEEEAW!
Rick’s horse takes off down the street. After a few seconds, rick and he horse disappear.
Frank:
...
June:
...
Edgy Steve:
Uhhh.
Frank:
Shit.
Deidra:
He disappeared.
Celeste:
I’m glad everybody else saw that.
Flat Doug:
Oh, what the hell, Frank.
Frank:
Okay, everybody listen.
Edgy Steve:
I want to get out in front of this: I have not dosed anyone. I don’t do that anymore, I’m an adult now.
Frank:
We know, Steve... Look everyone, we’ve got a lot to talk about, so let’s head back inside and we’ll all talk about it, okay? Suffice to say: things may get a little weird for a while. We’re going to be okay. We’ll take it as it comes just like we did today. Let’s go.
Celeste:
So, drinks are on you, then?
Frank:
Yeah, Celeste, sure. C’mon.
We transition to the front desk of the horizon motel. The door opens.
June:
I have brought beers of celebration.
Frank:
Thank you.
June:
Nice work today, cousin.
Frank:
Thank you again.
June:
You handled it like a champ.
Frank:
So did you.
June:
I must say, I really jumped in there, didn’t I? Hanging out with outlaws. Look at me.
Frank:
Look at you.
June:
Remember when we would watch Babylon 5?
Frank:
Yes. “Why can’t that be my life?”
June:
I said that all the time, but now look.
Frank:
Like you’ve been training for this your whole life.
June:
Exactly. It’s the sci-fi nerds that you turn to when the weird shit hits the weird fan. Never forget.
Frank:
I won’t. But still, let’s hope today was it, though. Maybe there was just some residual... something, and now it’s done.
June:
Boring... Oh hey. Here’s an idea. There’s a customer coming up the to the door right now, let’s judge if the weird shit is over by this next customer.
Frank:
Fine. What are they driving?
June:
They appear to be on foot.
Frank:
That doesn’t bode well for me.
June:
It doesn’t.
The door to the office opens.
Frank:
Hey there. Welcome to the Horizon.
Verge:
Thanks.
Frank:
Need a room?
Verge:
I do.
Frank:
Well, we’re in the off-season so you’ve got your pick of all of them. How about room seven?
Verge:
Sure.
June:
It’s our best one.
Verge:
Great.
Frank:
Just tonight? How long are you staying?
Verge:
... Not sure, actually.
Frank:
No problem. Can I get a credit card to keep on file?
Verge:
... Mind if I do the other thing?
Frank:
The other... cash?
Verge:
That’s it.
Frank:
Sure. I’d need a two-hundred dollar deposit, though.
Verge:
Okay.
Verge sets down a steel case and get out a roll of cash.
Verge:
That work?
Frank:
Yeah, that’s fine. Key is in the bedside table, ice machine is between 3 and 4.
Verge:
Thanks.
June:
What’s your name?
Verge:
... Verge.
June:
Nice to meet you. I’m June, that’s Frank.
Verge:
Hi.
Frank:
Enjoy your stay. Let us know if you need anything.
Verge:
Sure. ‘Night.
June:
Bye bye.
The door to the office closes.
Frank:
Okay. See? Totally normal.
The end.