MIDNIGHT BURGER

Interlude: Ted in Exile.

SFX: Hum of a starship.
Voice:
Begin Report.
Ted:
Survey Asset 3649 in the Billius System. We are about to begin scans of Planet 3. Visual scans detect no signs of sentient life so far.
Sfx: scanner buzzes.
Engineer:
So… how do you like the new job?
Ted:
It’s fine.
Engineer:
You get used to it. When I first got my assignment I thought it would suck but, I don’t know, I kind of like it. Lot of downtime. I watch a TON of Earth Portal. Do you watch any Earth Portal?
Ted:
No.
Engineer:
Yeah, I hear you. I’ll admit it’s pretty stupid stuff but I get addicted. The Hilary Clinton show was hilarious, I was so pissed when they cancelled it. I thought for sure it was going to run for a few more seasons.
Ted:
Lot of people did.
Engineer:
What?
Ted:
Nothing. How many probes do we have left?
Engineer:
Uh… three. Should be enough to cover this planet, right?
Ted:
We’ll be fine.
Engineer:
This assignment’s weird right? They already started building the Ted Tube, they’re going to block out the sun before we’re done making sure nobody lives here.
Ted:
It’s a very important assignment. This is a high-priority system because of the star.
Engineer:
What’s the big deal about the star?
Ted:
It’a different kind of star, it’s incredibly powerful. When we block it out and harness its power we’ll be able to build the biggest warp gate we’ve ever built.
Engineer:
Then what?
Ted:
Then… then we’ll have a really big gate. It’s important.
Engineer:
Okay.
Ted:
Launch Probe 1.
Engineer:
Bomb’s away.
Sfx: probe launching.
Engineer:
There are different kinds of stars?
Ted:
Yes. What?
Engineer:
They all look the same to me.
Ted:
How long have you been doing this assignment?
Engineer:
Since I got out of assessment. It’s all I’ve done.
Ted:
And you never noticed that stars are different?
Engineer:
No. In my defense you’re not supposed to look right at them. They told you that right? Not to look at them-
Ted:
They didn’t have to tell me to not look directly at the sun. Everybody knows that.
Engineer:
I mean… I didn’t get the memo. It was a rough first year, I almost went blind.
Ted:
No one in your life has ever told you not to stare at the sun?
Engineer:
Yeah, I guess. I just figured in space it was okay, like it wouldn’t be as bad.
Ted:
It’s way, way worse.
Engineer:
Well, yeah, man. I know that now.
Ted:
Did they tell you to not go outside without a space suit on? You got that memo, right?
Engineer:
Okay, very funny.
Ted:
Launch probe 2.
Engineer:
Bombs away-
Ted:
Can you not say “bomb’s away” please?
Engineer:
Yeah… sorry. Launching Probe 2.
Sfx: probe launching.
Engineer:
I heard a rumor about you… Want to hear what it was?
Ted:
No.
Engineer:
I heard you got reassigned from a top secret mission, is that true?
Ted:
That’s none of your business.
Engineer:
C’mon. We’re going to be out here for a while.
Ted:
If it was a top secret mission, I can’t tell you about it.
Engineer:
If it was a top secret mission, how did I hear about it?
Ted:
…
Engineer:
I heard the whole thing went tits up… Tits up is an Earth term. I heard it a lot in the last season of The Hilary Clinton show-
Ted:
I know what it means.
Engineer:
… Look it’s not a big deal, okay? A lot of people get re-assigned here after they screw up their job, there’s no shame in it.
Ted:
I didn’t screw up my job, okay? And it is a big deal. I was in charge of an entire top secret mission and now I’m in charge of a two man skiff in the middle of nowhere. It’s a big deal.
Engineer:
I knew it! It’s all good, man-
Ted:
No it’s not. It is, in fact, all bad. This is a punishment. I’m being punished. This is the crappiest job in the empire that they reserve for failures and here I am.
Engineer:
Hey, watch it! I’m good at this job.
Ted:
You spent the first year staring into the sun. Doesn’t that give you an idea of the skill level their looking for?
Engineer:
Was your top secret job being dick?!
Ted:
Launch Probe 3!
Engineer:
Bombs away!
Sfx: Probe launching.
Ted:
I’m sorry.
Engineer:
I like my job. I was just telling you I like my job.
Ted:
I know, I’m sorry. I apologize.
Engineer:
We’re going to be out here for a long time, maybe figure out how to not be an asshole.
Ted:
I will, okay?
Engineer:
Do you want to tell me what your top secret project was as a way of apologizing to me?
Ted:
Keeping it a secret is the only part of it that I didn’t screw up, so no.
Engineer:
Bummer.
Ted:
…
Engineer:
…
Ted:
Anything good on Earth Portal these days?
Engineer:
Oh, man, where do I start? I watch everything, right? But I always have that one show that I don’t miss, but they cancelled the Hilary Clinton show so I had to find something else. And then last week I found it: The Elon Musk Show. Hilarious! This one time this guy saved a bunch of kids from drowning and Elon called him a pedophile! Like randomly. For no reason. And everybody was like, “Wow. Look at this guy. So smart.”
Ted:
Yeah, I know who he is.
Engineer:
Aha! So you DO watch Earth Portal! I knew it!
Ted:
I really don’t.
Engineer:
Oh yeah? Then how do you know Elon Musk? What? Were you an Earth Expert in your last gig?
Ted:
…
Engineer:
Oh my God.
Ted:
I can’t talk about it.
Engineer:
You were an Earth Expert? Nobody gets that assignment! I thought it was a myth.
Ted:
It’s not a myth.
Engineer:
Is it a dream? Do you just watch Earth Portal all day?
Ted:
Look, I can’t talk about the specifics, okay? But actually when you’re an Earth Expert you’re not allowed to watch Earth Portal.
Engineer:
Why not?
Ted:
That’s the policy.
Engineer:
Is it not real? Elon Musk isn’t actually like that?
Ted:
No, he definitely is. But we’re not allowed.
Engineer:
I have SO many questions. Can I ask you questions? I promise I won’t ask about the top secret stuff.
Ted:
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Engineer:
Where do I start? Oh, okay, is it true that there’s a place called Illinois and to be the leader of Illinois you have to commit crimes?
Ted:
No, that’s not true. It feels true.
Engineer:
Is it true they used to have slavery, but all the slaves were freed by a giant?
Ted:
What? No, that’s… He was just really tall.
Engineer:
What is the deal with that ceremony where they get together wit a bunch of people they hate, eat a bunch of food and then a month later give those same people a bunch of gifts?
Ted:
That’s two separate holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Engineer:
It’s not part of the same thing?
Ted:
No, again, it feels that way but it’s not.
Engineer:
And how do they make beer out of light?
Ted:
No, that’s not what it is, it’s not made out of light. It’s just lighter beer.
Engineer:
Why do they make it lighter?
Ted:
Because they really like it and they say to themselves, “Hey, if I make this less enjoyable maybe I can drink more of it.”
Engineer:
Why would they drink more of it if it’s less enjoyable?
Ted:
Honestly, I studied the planet my whole life and I still don’t understand it.
Engineer:
It’s so much fun though, man.
Ted:
Yeah, you do a fun thing long enough it just becomes a job.
Engineer:
…
Ted:
…
Engineer:
Was there anything you liked about it?
Ted:
Yeah.
Engineer:
Like what?
Ted:
In the middle of the planet there’s a huge forest. Massive. Like the ones we used to have on Ted. It makes most of the oxygen in the atmosphere. In the middle of that is the biggest river you’ve ever seen. Three million different species of animals live in that one forest. Twenty-five hundred types of trees. There are trees there that, when they get tall enough, they can make their own clouds. Out of thin air. Some of the trees are so big that an animal can spend its whole life in just one tree.
Engineer:
That’s sounds amazing.
Ted:
They’re chopping it all down for fuel. Idiots.
Sfx: alert.
Ted:
What’s that?
Engineer:
Probe 1 has touched down. It’s sending back audio.
Ted:
Let’s hear it.
Sfx: strange, alien sounds.
Engineer:
What the hell is that?
Ted:
Analyze the audio.
Engineer:
Hang on.
Ted:
Sounds like giant crickets.
Engineer:
What’s a cricket?
Ted:
Never mind.
Engineer:
Oh shit.
Ted:
What?
Engineer:
Analysis says it’s sentient.
Ted:
No way.
Engineer:
It’s sentient!
Ted:
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Engineer:
Pattern analysis says “reads as complicated language”.
Ted:
Motherfucker. Are you serious?
Engineer:
I’m serious!
Ted:
Well that’s just great. Fantastic!
Engineer:
It is fantastic!
Ted:
No it’s not, they’re going to have to abandon this entire system. They can’t black out a system that has sentient life, that’s the first protocol! Jesus, what kind of fucking bad luck do I have?!
Engineer:
Buddy, you don’t get it do you?
Ted:
What are you talking about? What’s there to get? I’ve gone from one doomed assignment to another. They’re going to have to shut down this entire project and abandon the system.
Engineer:
Seriously?
Ted:
Yes!
Engineer:
Aw… you’re adorable.
Ted:
What are you talking about?
Engineer:
I’m going to shut of this noise and I’m going to teach you something…
Ted:
What’s happening?
Engineer:
Friend of mine, let me break this down for you. We spend our lives in these tiny ships surveying systems for alien life. And our home planet always hopes we don’t find it, because if we do, then they can’t build a warp gate. But every once and a while they jump the gun and start making a warp gate before we’re done surveying. And when they jump the gun, we secretly wait for the perfect storm.
Ted:
What’s the perfect storm?
Engineer:
The perfect storm is when you find alien life in a system where they’ve already started building.
Ted:
I don’t understand how that’s the perfect storm, they’re going to have to abandon this system after half the work is already done.
Engineer:
You really think our home world is going to waste all the resources it’s spent on this system. You said it yourself, this star is special right?
Ted:
Well then, what are they going to do?
Engineer:
Listen, all we have to do, is our job. We report the alien life to the home world like we always do. And then… we wait.
Ted:
We wait for what?
Engineer:
Reassignment.
Ted:
They’re going to reassign us?
Engineer:
Oh, not just a reassignment, my friend. We’re going to get to choose our assignment.
Ted:
Choose? Nobody get to choose their assignment, that goes against everything.
Engineer:
I know. But they really need a warp gate in this system and they really need us to keep quiet about whatever we just found on that planet. So they’re going to give us whatever we want. I learned about this on Earth Portal, it’s called “Corruption”.
Ted:
But they’re going to destroy this solar system, there could be a whole civilization down there.
Engineer:
Hey, listen, that’s not up to us we’re just doing our job. It’s our job to report any alien life we find. Everything else is up to someone else. That’s the glory of the Ted Empire, man: everything is always someone else’s fault. That’s another thing I learned from Earth Portal, it’s called “Bureaucracy”.
Ted:
This doesn’t sound right to me at all.
Engineer:
I know. But let me ask you this: Your last job, the one you screwed up so bad, don’t you want a chance to go back and do it right?
Sfx: STrange, alien sounds.
Engineer:
You seem to be having a moral dilemma over there, Pal. Here’s the thing, there’s no moral dilemma right now. You know why? ‘Cause we’re Teds. Teds are supposed to just shut up and do our jobs. Most of the time that sucks. But every once and a while… perfect storm.
Ted:
…
Engineer:
…
Voice:
Begin report.
Ted:
This is survey asset 3649. Scans of Planet 3 in the Billius sector have confirmed alien life. Please advise on next steps.
Engineer:
…
Ted:
…
Engineer:
How do you feel?
Ted:
I don’t know.
Engineer:
Don’t worry about it. You’ll get use to it. I think I’ll ask for an assignment at Earth Portal. Do what you love, y’know? That’s what the Earthlings say.
Ted:
Sure.
Engineer:
What about you? Are you going to go back to your old job?
Ted:
Yeah. Yeah, I think I’ll go back.
Sfx: strange, alien sounds.
End