Midnight Burger
Chapter 53: Life During Wartime
We hear the sound of the diner traveling outside. The Murder Beast sleeps under a booth while voon watches. Gloria walks in.
Gloria:
Hey, Voon.
Voon:
Good evening, Gloria.
Gloria:
Can’t sleep?
Voon:
An Urt does not sleep in the conventional sense. We have a recumbent period where our mind consolidates the memories of the day in a more organized long-term location in our mind. Humans do the same, but for an Urt it does not require sleep, rather a period of intense meditation.
Gloria:
Sleep sounds better to me.
Voon:
I have noticed this in Earthlings. Many of you long for the period of the day when nothing happens and you are not aware of your surroundings.
Gloria:
That is true.
Voon:
...And yet you are awake.
Gloria:
Yeah. I don’t think I’m on “diner time” yet. Still adjusting... You know, even though you don’t sleep you seem a little sleepless, Voon.
Voon:
... I am wrestling with a dilemma.
Gloria:
What’s up?
Voon:
... Earthlings do not appear to be attached to their planet. I have observed in Fiona and The Captain, an affinity for striking out into the stars and leaving your home behind.
Gloria:
I think maybe you’re observing the more adventurous Earthlings. There are plenty of us who like staying put. My old sous chef was like that. Cesar was born in Phoenix, lived there his whole life, and just fucking loves the place. I personally don’t know how you get really hyped up about Phoenix, but he never wanted to go anywhere.
Voon:
I see. So, I may be working from a skewed sample of Earthlings?
Gloria:
Any Earthling who spends a lot of time here is going to be a non-typical Earthling, I think.
Voon:
And the Earthlings that wish to remain in their place of origin— what is it that binds them to that place?
Gloria:
I don’t know, really. I’m not sure why people feel at home somewhere. I think they feel like they fit. Like they’re a missing piece of the puzzle. Like they fell into place.
Voon:
I see... We Urts love our planet. Our civilization has been a shared project from its most ancient iteration. All of us with a single goal: Knowledge above all. It was only when we began to communicate with other worlds that we had to acquaint ourselves with concepts such as war and competition.
Gloria:
And you had to leave.
Voon:
Yes. To be assigned the role of Sourcer after your period of enlightenment has ended is a great honor and a tremendous responsibility, but it is a somber one. We are told “Keep Urt within you.” And I have.
Gloria:
I’m sensing a “but” coming, Voon.
Voon:
... This creature that we have taken under our care— it has been greatly victimized. Tortured. I believe that Fiona has as well, but Fiona has found a way to escape the victimization and have a life that I feel she is proud of... But this creature will never escape. It is condemned.
Gloria:
I know. I don’t know what to do about it.
Voon:
... To create technology that would do this to another being... It is the greatest of transgressions for us... It cannot stand.
Gloria:
I think you and me and all of our friends are trying to stop it right now, Voon.
Voon:
... This army that we are facing, their armaments are considerable.
Gloria:
We’ve been doing okay so far.
Voon:
Yes, but they are not designed for individual conflict. They are designed to overwhelm. I believe if ever faced them as a unified army, they would be unstoppable.
Gloria:
That’s... not great.
Voon:
As I have said, I carry Urt within me. I carry with me the core values of our people: Knowledge, curiosity, respect.
Gloria:
I think those are good things to be working with.
Voon:
Have you, in your travels, ever had to sacrifice your values for reasons you found to be important?
Gloria:
Well, I don’t think I can think of something off the top of my head but I’m sure I’ve had to. I think everyone does.
Voon:
I have been able to avoid such compromises thus far.
Gloria:
And you’re worried that you may have to compromise something you believe?
Voon:
I am.
Gloria:
Voon, I think it’s important to know what you believe. It sounds like it’s served you well. But there are very few things that are true no matter where you go. Very few things.
Voon:
... As I have mentioned before, it is against our values to violate another being— including the technologies that are an extension of their personhood.
Gloria:
I remember.
Voon:
That being said... If I can forcibly access the systems of this oppressive regime that controls the Cryptessia System, I believe I may be able to deactivate their technology. I can disarm them... All of them.
Gloria starts laughing.
Voon:
Is something humorous?
Gloria:
... Fuckin’ Urts, man.
There is a crack in the air and the diner lands.
Gloria:
Alright, let’s check out our new location and figure out how we’re going to do this.
Voon:
Of course.
Gloria and voon walk outside. We can hear a city in the distance.
Gloria:
Well at least this is familiar.
Em zips by voon’s head and relays data to him.
Voon:
Em reports that the nearby city has an approximate population of eighty thousand, with technological levels equal to that of the late industrial/early information age on earth.
Gloria:
What is that, like, late seventies, early eighties?
Voon:
Approximately.
Gloria:
Okay. So, tell me about this plan of yours.
Voon:
There is a high risk factor involved. It will require complicated scans of the enemy’s technological environment. Em will need to be in close proximity to one of the soldiers for an indeterminate amount of time.
Gloria:
We need to kidnap one of them?
Voon:
No. In taking one of them forcibly, there is the danger of them using their teleportation capabilities. I think it best that our maneuvers be clandestine in nature.
Gloria:
So, we’re going to have to do some spy shit, basically.
Voon:
For the highest probability of success: spy shit.
Gloria:
Okay. Okay, let’s go loop in the others.
Kazi:
(In Gloria’s head.) Gloria, this is Kazi. Don’t be alarmed. Remember that, before we parted, I installed an implant in your head.
Gloria:
Whoa. Hang on.
Voon:
Is everything alright?
Gloria:
Kazi.
Voon:
I’m sorry?
Gloria:
Hang on.
Kazi:
Teta has briefed me on your arrival and I believe we have your signal now. I’m sorry if this is overwhelming, but I have a large amount of information to give you. Please get something to write with.
Gloria:
Oh, shit. Inside.
Voon:
Is something wrong?
Gloria rushes inside the diner.
Gloria:
Pen! Who’s got a pen!
Fiona and phil emerge from the kitchen.
Fiona:
Gloria, what’s wrong?
Gloria:
Kazi in my head!
Fiona:
Oh shit.
Gloria:
Pen!
Phil:
What’s going on?
Fiona:
Here!
Gloria:
Thank you.
Kazi:
Here's the current state of things: Both Caspar and Ava have returned to Cryptessia.
Gloria:
Great!
Kazi:
Still no sign of Leif.
Gloria:
Damn.
Kazi:
Caspar is with us now. Unfortunately Ava has somehow wound up back in Krok's castle
Gloria:
Goddamn it, Ava.
Kazi:
That's turned out to be fortuitous, because she was able to transmit a message to us. The news is not good.
Gloria:
Fantastic.
Kazi:
Krok has been developing a weapon. A weapon capable of destroying the diner.
Gloria:
Fantastic.
Kazi:
He was about to fire this weapon, but then the targeting became confused. We believe the targeting was confused because of Casper. Caspar apparently has on his person some sort of device that mimics the signal of the diner
Gloria:
The space pager.
Kazi:
They are unaware of the existence of this device. They think the error is on their end. This seems to have bought us some time.
Gloria:
Time is good.
Kazi:
But we don't know how much time.
Gloria:
Of course.
Kazi:
This all means: it is time for us to make our move on Krok. It's now or never.
Gloria:
Oh shit.
Fiona:
What?
Gloria:
Kazi’s making her move on Krok.
Fiona:
Oh, God.
Kazi:
I hear you have an Urt with you. That’s excellent news. Write this down: 1011000101101001. Give this code to the Urt; tell him to scan for a frequency with this identifier.
Gloria:
... 1001. Voon!
Voon:
Yes?
Gloria:
This code, she says to scan for a frequency with this identifier.
Voon:
One moment.
Kazi:
Tell him to ask to be connected to high command.
Gloria:
Ask to be connected to high command.
Voon:
I shall.
Kazi:
These next few days will be crucial. On one side of the galaxy, I’ll be consolidating our forces for the assault on Krok’s homeworld, while you will be distracting them on the other side.
Voon:
(Talking to high command.) Greetings. I am Voon. Sourcer ID 5850-Trinary. Please connect me with high command.
Kazi:
This is not at all how I wanted to do this— I needed more time. Luckily with Midnight Burger involved I have an ace or two up my sleeve... The Urt has made contact, I’m switching over.
Kazi:
(In Voon’s earpiece.) Greetings, Sourcer. My name is Kazi. Thank you for making contact.
Voon:
Of course.
Kazi:
Can you connect me with the rest of the group, please?
Voon:
I can. Could everyone activate your comm-dots please?
Gloria:
My what?
Fiona:
It’s the thing we put behind your ear.
Gloria:
Oh, got it.
Everyone activates their communicators.
Voon:
We are connected.
Kazi:
Who am I speaking with?
Gloria:
Kazi it’s me, Fiona, Voon, and Phil.
Kazi:
Hello, everyone. Fiona, I’m glad to see you’re safe.
Fiona:
Right back atcha.
Kazi:
As Gloria will tell you, we are in an urgent phase of the war right now. We are being forced to move before we’re ready, but there is a plan. To buy us some time, we’ll be running interference to keep the enemy confused.
Gloria:
How are you running interference?
Kazi:
It’s a plan that has unfortunately been named Operation: Rodeo Clown. Caspar and David will be constantly moving around the system sending the diner’s signal from as many places as possible. They will do this using a... very odd friend of his.
Gloria:
Odd friend?
Kazi:
They’ve insisted they stop by to say hello but they’ll only have a few seconds.
Gloria:
What do you mean stop by?
Kazi:
They’ll arrive in the parking lot any second now.
Gloria:
The parking lot?
Everyone exits to the parking lot.
Gloria:
I don’t see anyone.
Voon:
There are no inbound ships.
Kazi:
They won’t be in a ship.
Gloria:
What will they-
The cube explodes into the parking lot.
Gloria:
Whoa!
Caspar:
(From inside the cube.) Oh Jesus, I’m still not used to it!
Caspar, david and ex all exit the cube.
Caspar:
Hey!
Gloria:
Oh my God!
David:
Gloria!
Gloria:
David!
Ex:
Hellllo!
Gloria:
Ex?!?! Oh my God!
Caspar:
Okay we can only stay a few seconds!
Gloria:
Okay!
Caspar:
I’m alive!
Gloria:
You’re alive!
Caspar:
Did you hear about Ava?
Gloria:
Yes.
Caspar:
I am going to kill her!
Gloria:
I know.
David:
(To Fiona.) Girl.
Fiona:
David.
David:
Look at you!
Fiona:
Look at you, Space Cowboy!
Caspar:
How do you like the cube?
Gloria:
What is it?
Caspar:
I have no idea.
Ex:
Hi guys, I’m Ex.
Phil:
What’s up?
Voon:
Pardon me, are you an android?
Ex:
Kind of.
Voon:
May I scan you for relevant technologies?
Ex:
You can give it a shot.
Caspar:
No time for scanning, we’ve got to go!
Ex:
Okay!
David:
I love you, you’re amazing.
Fiona:
I love you, YOU’RE amazing.
David:
Okay, I’ll see you after the war. I want to hear everything.
Fiona:
Okay.
Caspar:
Hi, Fiona!
Fiona:
Hi!
Caspar:
We have to go.
Gloria:
Okay.
Caspar:
I can’t believe this worked!
Gloria:
I know!
They all enter the cube.
Caspar:
Okay, we’re just going to criss cross the system and try and stir up as much trouble as we can. You guys stay safe!
Gloria:
Good luck!
Caspar:
KROK SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!
The cube disappears.
Phil:
... What the fuck was that?
Voon:
What a fascinating transportation device.
Fiona:
Who was the girl?
Gloria:
Those were my friends.
Phil:
They fly around in a cube?
Gloria:
I guess they do now.
Kazi:
Now that’s done, this phase of the plan has gone into motion. There’s nothing for you to do at the moment but to stay safe. Now that you’re connected to my network, I can keep you updated.
Gloria:
Actually, Kazi. Voon’s working on something over here, I think we might need to risk going into a nearby city.
Fiona:
Working on something?
Phil:
What are we working on?
Gloria:
I think Voon may be able to give us an edge.
Kazi:
Really? Tell me more.
Voon:
I am uploading our proposed course of action to your network.
Kazi:
Well, that’s a nice change of pace. Nice to be working with someone so organized.
Voon:
I return your sentiment.
Kazi:
I’ll have a look at your proposal. Gloria, good luck.
Gloria:
You too.
Fiona:
What kind of trouble are we getting into?
Phil:
What are we talking about?
Gloria:
Y’all. Voon has a plan.
We move to krok’s castle. A door swings open and ava is pulled into the room by two guards.
Ava:
Hey, hey, enough already, I’m not a carry-on!
Guard:
You will wait here until he arrives.
Ava:
Your voice still sounds stupid in that mask.
Guard:
You will wait here.
Ava:
I bet you sound like Truman Capote under there.
The guards leave.
Ava:
ASSHATS!... Where’s my cat!?
Krok enters the room.
Krok:
Good morning, Doctor.
Ava:
What’s with the rough trade from the Bonehead Brigade?
Krok:
You’ve been a bit too adventurous in your wanderings about the castle.
Ava:
I’m a curious person.
Ava:
(In a recording that echoes through the hall.) Is this thing on? Kazi, listen closely, it’s all bullshit...
Ava:
... Very rude of you to listen to my private phone calls.
Krok:
You are only here due to my benevolence, Doctor.
Ava:
That’s not true.
Krok:
Is it not?
Ava:
No. I’m here because you like me.
Krok:
I was enjoying your company until you decided to use my daughter as part of your machinations.
Ava:
Machinations? Krok. C’mon. Look around, this whole castle is the superbowl of machinations. I can’t join in?
Krok:
Enough.
Ava:
... So, how’d it happen?
Krok:
How did what happen?
Ava:
How did you go from being a space god to... whatever it is you are now?... Yes, I’ve figured it out. Every power you’ve exhibited thus far doesn’t come from you, it comes from something invented by that brilliant daughter of yours you keep locked in the tower.
Krok:
You're so sure that's what's occurred?
Ava:
Yes, Krok. I’m sure.
Krok:
You’ve seen very little to prove this theory of yours. How are you so confidant?
Ava:
You’re at war.
Krok:
I am.
Ava:
If I had mastery over reality the way that you claim to, I wouldn't be at war with anyone. I'd already rule the whole fucking place. So why don't you?... It's kind of funny when you think about it. You display a little bit of power, and you carry yourself with enough confidence, and people will make all sorts of exaggerations about who you are. Look at all your little Boy Scouts running around this castle. They're all terrified of you but in the end, you're not that much different from them, are you?
Krok:
I am exceedingly different from them.
Ava:
And then I started thinking about gods, right? The idea of a god. Someone who can shape reality with only the power of their will. And I have to say, the math just doesn't add up. Shaping reality to your will, that would cost a lot of energy. And that energy's got to come from somewhere. All energy comes from somewhere. I'm just riffing in my head right now but, by my calculations, the energy required to shape reality to your will would actually be more energy than is contained in this universe.
Krok:
I see. You think I’m a fraud.
Ava:
Not exactly. I don't think you're entirely full of shit. I think you were there at the beginning of the universe. I believe that part. I believe that, at the beginning, you probably were as powerful as you say you are now. But something happened. Something changed. And that made more sense to me. Like a star, at first incredibly powerful, losing energy over time. Even Clementine had her limits. We saw that she was drawing energy from... It was Clementine, wasn’t it? That’s what did you in. You put everything you had left into her in the hopes that she would get rid of us all... How close am I?...
Krok:
...
Ava:
This mind of mine is capable of a lot of things, Krok. One of those things? Cognitive dissonance. Holding two opposing ideas in my head at the same time. I’m able to sit here at this table and say that you are a despotic shithead who deserves everything that’s coming to you. I can also sit here at this table and say... I kind of like you, Krok. You’ve got a dry sense of humor and you own a castle... How about, for the first time since the beginning of the universe, you actually talk to someone.
Krok:
...
Ava:
...
Krok:
... The more you love a thing, the less control you have over it. Poetically, the more you love a thing, the more you want to control it. I had come to love this universe, and the more I grew to love it, the faster it slipped from my hands. And in the far distance I could see its imminent destruction. I wished to stop it. And my power to prevent that destruction waned with every moment that passed.
Ava:
So, you did all this?
Krok:
There's a delightful little story from your planet. A story of Adam and Eve. Two innocents from which all of humanity spawned. When they ate of the Tree of Knowledge, your God became angry and flung them from the garden. Which, I must say, is rather petulant. An entire garden, and you expect people to not eat the fruit? But I digress.
Imagine in that garden there was not one forbidden tree, but two: the tree of knowledge and the tree of immortality. And if you ate of both, you would have both knowledge and immortality. What does it make you to have both knowledge and immortality?
Ava:
A god.
Krok:
Yes. Given a long enough timeline, immortality and knowledge leads you to godhood. Though my power had faded over time, I still had immortality. I still had knowledge. And all I needed was a long enough timeline to return myself to the power I once had. I just needed enough time.
Ava:
And there was a whole lot of diners and movie theaters and shitty bars swirling around the multiverse, speeding everything up.
Krok:
Correct. If I couldn't stop you, I wouldn't have enough time.
Ava:
So you create Clementine.
Krok:
With the last shred of power I had left, I created Clementine. And she worked brilliantly again and again and again, until along came you and your friends... I am many things, Doctor. I have been called many things. But above all, I am simply a man that needs more time.
Ava:
Krok... What is the easier thing to do? Spending all of this energy and creating all of this misery in the off chance that you’ll be able to save the universe? Or learning to accept that everything comes to an end?
Krok:
... I wish I was simply a despot, Doctor. I wish I was the villain you see me as. I wish it were so simple. I truly wish it. I truly wish it was a simple matter of me coming to terms with mortality... But I'm afraid it's not so simple... There are worse things than I, out there in the darkness. Much worse things, indeed.
Ava:
What things?
Krok:
... I’ve learned not to speak of them.
Ava:
... I see... A lot of people think that a scientist begins their life with curiosity. That's not how I began my life. I began my life with an admission. I admitted to myself that there are very few things in life that I am in control of. Frighteningly few things. Once I admitted that to myself, I was able to dedicate the rest of my life to figuring out why the fuck that is. Why am I given the power to observe the world, but never effect it? It’s been a good life. And it all began with that admission. The universe played a very dirty trick on you, Krok. It convinced you that you could change it. But it's even bigger than you. And you still won’t admit it. The oligarch’s blues.
Krok:
... Due to your adventurous nature, I’ll need to confine you to your quarters for the remainder of this conflict.
Ava:
Fine... Where’s my fucking cat?
We hear loud club music as we move to a dance club across the galaxy. The music fades into the background as we hear Caspar inside the cube, leafing through the paper.
Caspar:
(Singing.) There’s an old trail, winding o’er the prairie to that old girl of mine.
Caspar takes out his space pager and activates it.
Caspar:
You better not run out of batteries.
Libuza:
(In Caspar’s ear.) Caspar?
Caspar:
... Libuza?
Libuza:
Hi.
Caspar:
Hey Kiddo. How are you doing?
Libuza:
I’m okay. I was doing a lot of work with the Vistek and when I stopped to rest, everyone told me you were back.
Caspar:
I’m back.
Libuza:
I can’t believe it.
Caspar:
Said the woman who can predict the future.
Libuza:
I’m a little preoccupied these days.
Caspar:
I heard. Effie told me you were hooked up to a bunch of tubes and shit.
Libuza:
It’s a constant vigil.
Caspar:
I’m sure you can imagine how I feel about all that.
Libuza:
Unfortunately, it’s necessary.
Caspar:
If you say so. That doesn’t mean I’m going to like the idea.
Libuza:
They told me you had come back with a very interesting friend.
Caspar:
She is very interesting, my friend. She’s indestructible and she can travel through space and time.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
She was created by my ex-wife in another universe.
Libuza:
Uh huh.
Caspar:
For a while she was my enemy, but then she spent several decades at the bottom of a river in Kentucky, and now she's a dear friend.
Libuza:
How do these things happen to you?
Caspar:
Libuza, I’ve been saying that for like, 150 years. Where are you right now?
Libuza:
I’m on my ship.
Caspar:
You get a whole ship just for you, huh?
Libuza:
We have to dedicate an entire ship to the Vistek because of the power demands.
Caspar:
Okay... Libuza you sound really tired.
Libuza:
I am. But it’s not like someone else can do this. The Vistek has kept us out of a lot of trouble. Not all of the trouble, but a lot of it.
Caspar:
You know, props to you for making a terrifying machine that can predict the future. But honestly, I hate all of this for you.
Libuza:
It’s important work.
Caspar:
Libuza, I don’t care. You’re a kid.
Libuza:
Okay, again: I am so much older than you.
Caspar:
I don’t care about that either. Did you ever have a period of your life when you were a kid?
Libuza:
Was I ever younger? Yes, I wasn’t born at this age.
Caspar:
No, I mean, did you ever, like, shake up a can of coke and then hand it to your friend and they open in and it explodes and they’re like “ Nooooo!” And you’re like “Hahahaha!”
Libuza:
No, I’ve never done that. That sounds mean.
Caspar:
Of course it’s mean. Kids are mean.
Libuza:
Caspar, I’m not sure what you’re getting at.
Caspar:
Were you ever a kid? Ever? I imagine you were some sort of brainiac genius ever since you were a child, right?
Libuza:
I suppose.
Caspar:
Well, I guess I still see you as a kid because you were never allowed to be a kid. You never passed through it. I just want you to have a skateboard or something.
Libuza:
A skateboard?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Libuza:
Okay, I’ll put it on the list of things to do after the war.
Caspar:
Okay. Make that a long list, okay?
Libuza:
... How are you doing?
Caspar:
Well, we are currently on one of the many Earths in this galaxy, and Ex and David are inside some dance club.
Libuza:
A dance club?
Caspar:
They insisted. We’re trying to jump every three hours. They wanted to stop for a minute and have some fun.
Libuza:
Why aren’t you inside the dance club?
Caspar:
Oh, I think you know the answer to the question, Libuza.
Libuza:
But how are you doing? I’m assuming you heard about Ava.
Caspar:
I heard about Ava.
Libuza:
Are you okay?
Caspar:
I don’t want to talk about it.
Libuza:
She’s given us a lot of really important information.
Caspar:
I’m sure that’s true, but it doesn’t matter, because I don’t want to talk about it.
Libuza:
It was very brave of her.
Caspar:
Libuza, she didn’t go there to be brave. She went there because she’s... whatever the word is for her.
Libuza:
It sounds like you’re taking it personally.
Caspar:
I can’t possibly take it personally, because I don’t want to talk about it, Libuza... We were supposed to go on vacation.
Libuza:
Vacation?
Caspar:
Yes.
Libuza:
... How would that work exactly?
Caspar:
I don’t know. Words were said. I don’t want to talk about it.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
We need to get through this war. Then I can go on vacation and you can be a kid.
Libuza:
... What’s it like? Being a kid.
Caspar:
Being a kid is a time in your life when you do a lot of stupid things and date the wrong people and maybe you crash a car or something, and you always look back on that period of your life and think, “Hey, thank God that's over.” But even so, it's still a tragedy when that part of your life is taken from you.
Libuza:
Well... As you’re zipping around the galaxy, see if you can find me a skateboard.
Caspar:
I’m literally going to do that.
Ex exits the dance club.
Ex:
Hello!
Caspar:
Hey. Over here.
Ex:
It’s so much fun in there.
Caspar:
I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.
Ex:
Who are you talking to?
Caspar:
Libuza’s calling me.
Ex:
Really? I want to say hi.
Caspar:
Go ahead.
Ex teleports.
Caspar:
Ex?
In caspar’s earpiece, we hear ex teleport into libuza’s room.
Ex:
(In Caspar’s ear.) Hi!
Libuza:
Oh my God!
Caspar:
Ex! Don’t scare people!
Ex:
It’s fine! Hey, I’m Ex.
Libuza:
I’m... Libuza. Hi.
Ex:
It’s so great to meet you. Caspar thinks about you all the time.
Libuza:
Does he?
Ex:
Yes. Caspar, did you tell her the thing about how you worry that she never had the chance to have a childhood?
Caspar:
I did. Thank you.
Ex:
Are you sure?
Caspar:
Yes, I’m sure, would you get back here, please? You’re freaking people out.
Ex:
Hang on! Listen, now that we’re back, everything’s going to be fine. This is going to be a piece of cake. Okay?
Libuza:
A piece of cake?
Caspar:
You’re leaving me vulnerable on the hostile alien planet.
Ex:
You’re fine. It’s not that hostile, we were just at a dance club. Have you been to a dance club? They’re so fun.
Caspar:
Ex.
Ex:
Okay! It’s so great to meet you, Libuza.
Libuza:
You, too.
Ex:
This room is wild, by the way. Okay, bye.
Ex teleports from libuza’s room back to caspar’s location.
Ex:
Okay, I’m back. Relax.
Caspar:
I feel so much safer. Anyway, that’s Ex.
Libuza:
That was very disorienting.
Caspar:
You get used to it. I imagine. We should hit the road. We need to keep moving out here.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
Take care of yourself, Kiddo. I’ll see you at the victory party.
Libuza:
Okay.
Caspar:
Where’s David?
Ex:
He’s still inside.
Caspar:
What’s he doing in there?
Ex:
He’s a young man in a dance club full of young people, you really want me to answer that question?
Caspar:
Never mind.
Ex:
Oh. Libuza asked you about Ava and now you’re a little crankypants.
Caspar:
I don’t want to talk about it.
Ex:
And when I’m around you don’t have to.
Caspar:
Get out of my head.
Ex:
You like it when I’m in there.
Caspar:
No I don’t.
Ex:
Just a little bit.
Caspar:
Ex.
Ex:
Little bit... Oh... You just had a thought.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Ex:
Ava’s at the castle.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Ex:
We’re zipping around the galaxy.
Caspar:
Why not go get her?
Ex:
Why not go get her?
Caspar:
Zip in zip out, it would take less than a minute.
Ex:
Yeah... no.
Caspar:
No?
Ex:
... Huh.
Caspar:
What?
Ex:
I can’t go there.
Caspar:
To Krok’s castle?
Ex:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Why not?
Ex:
I don’t know... It’s like it’s not there.
Caspar:
But it is there.
Ex:
I know, I can see it in your head.
Caspar:
What the fuck is that about?
Ex:
I don’t know.
We hear a ship approaching.
Caspar:
What is that?
An enemy ship quickly appears and begins to hover over them.
Caspar:
Shit.
Ex:
Good guys or bad guys?
Caspar:
Bad guys, I’m assuming.
Two mystery men beam down from the ship, appearing right in front of them.
Caspar:
Hey, guys, welcome to the club. Can I see your IDs please?
Mystery Man 1:
Do not move or we’ll be forced to shoot you.
Caspar:
Okay, did you hear that, Ex? Don’t move.
Ex:
Got it.
Ex teleports.
Mystery Man 1:
What the fuck?
Mystery Man 2:
Where did she go?
Explosions start erupting from the ship overhead.
Mystery Man 1:
Holy shit!
Caspar:
Uh oh. Have you guys been skipping your oil changes? Big boo boo.
Mystery Man 2:
What’s happening?
The ship begins falling out of the sky.
Caspar:
Uh, Ex? The ship is falling towards a warehouse can you drift a little closer to the river there?... Ex?... Ex?!
The ship crash lands into the warehouse.
Caspar:
Oooooooooooh... Well... Well... It’s a shitty part of town, it was probably abandoned, right?
Ex reappears.
Ex:
I hope you guys didn’t leave any of your stuff in there.
Caspar:
You should never leave your vehicle unattended without removing your personal belongings.
Mystery Man 1:
Uh...
Caspar:
Guys, here’s how this is going to work. She just destroyed your ship because she felt like it. How do you think it’s going to go if you try to shoot us?
Mystery Man 2:
Who the fuck are you people?
Caspar:
... We run a diner.
After a moment, the mystery men teleport away. David exits the clurb.
Ex:
... Fun stuff.
Caspar:
Yeah.
David:
What’s on fire?
Caspar:
See what happens? You spend too much time in the clurb and life passes you by. Some bad guys showed up and Ex did a whole thing.
Ex:
These guys are creampuffs.
David:
Sorry I missed it.
Caspar:
We should probably get going, though. They know we’re here.
David:
Alright. This place is dead anyway.
We move to the streets of a city. Fiona is making her way down the sidewalk.
Kazi:
(In Fiona’s ear.) Fiona, what’s your status?
Fiona:
Hey, Kazi. We’ve got the plan in place. I’m making my way downtown to meet Phil.
Kazi:
You’ve located their base?
Fiona:
Yeah, apparently it’s hidden underneath a Subway.
Kazi:
It’s under a train?
Fiona:
No, not an actual Subway. It’s a sandwich place called Subway.
Kazi:
That’s confusing. What’s the plan?
Fiona:
I get into the back room, block their communications, then Gloria moves in.
Kazi:
Good. You seem to have brought a good group of people with you.
Fiona:
Yeah, they’re great, we’ve been through a lot together.
Kazi:
I wanted to mention before we get too deep into this, Teta tells me that you’ve been gone for some time.
Fiona:
Yeah. Eight years.
Kazi:
I see. After all this is over, I’d like to do some tests on you, if you don’t mind.
Fiona:
Uh, okay.
Kazi:
We have a lot of people under our care like you Fiona. Their minds were altered and I’ve had to reverse the effects. You’re the only one who’s been living with those alterations for an extended period of time. I’d like to see if there are any long term effects.
Fiona:
Yeah, sure. It’s not the first time you’ve had to root around in my brain, what’s one more?
Kazi:
Good, let’s make a point of it.
Fiona:
Okay... Is that all you needed?
Kazi:
Yes. Just checking in. Anything else?
Fiona:
Um...
Kazi:
Fiona?
Fiona:
... When I first got here, I was really scared. I didn’t like being back here.
Kazi:
That’s understandable.
Fiona:
And now I’m walking down this street and I’m...
Kazi:
You’re angry.
Fiona:
Yes.
Kazi:
That’s also understandable.
Fiona:
Like, I can feel it in my body.
Kazi:
That’s adrenaline.
Fiona:
I’m surrounded by people right now. All of them going to work, coming back from work... Across the street right now, there’s a hair salon full of people getting their hair done... All them are like me. All of them have been altered and fucked with to serve some purpose that has nothing to do with them. It all has to do with one powerful man that they’ll never meet... I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to shake every single one of them... That, however, would not be a mission critical act.
Kazi:
That anger is important, Fiona. You should be thankful for it.
Fiona:
Should I?
Kazi:
It means you’re alive.
Fiona:
Okay. That’s what I do with the anger, what do I do with the fear?
Kazi:
If you’re dreading an approaching event, make plans for afterward.
Fiona:
Really?
Kazi:
Yes.
Fiona:
That’s all?
Kazi:
Then the event you’re dreading becomes one thing on a list. Take away its power in your mind.
Fiona:
So, we’re about to go to war with a space god, but that’s okay because “Drinks after?”
Kazi:
Yes.
Fiona:
Wait, is that why you want to look at my brain after this is over? You’re just trying to make me feel better?
Kazi:
No, Fiona. That was for me.
Fiona:
... Oh.
Kazi:
Good luck.
Fiona:
Thank you... Okay, Gloria. I’m outside.
Gloria:
(In Fiona’s ear.) Okay. I just wait here at the back?
Fiona:
Yes. Phil and I will do a thing and then I can get the door open.
Gloria:
It’s a pretty big steel door out back, are you going to take his keys or something?
Fiona:
No need. Sit tight, I’ll be right there.
Gloria:
Okay.
We move to inside the Subway. Phil talks with the Subway Sandwich Artist.
Phil:
So let me ask you this: How many meatballs do you put in the large meatball sub?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Three.
Phil:
Uh huh. So if I order the six inch meatball sandwich, what do you do with the other half of the sandwich?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Well we... we don’t make the whole sandwich we only make half of it.
Phil:
And that’s with one point five meatballs?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Uh, no, if it’s a six inch we just use two meatballs in the sandwich.
Phil:
So what you’re telling me is, if I get two six inches instead of one foot long, that I get a whole other meatball out of the equation?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
... Yes but we really don’t want people to do that.
Fiona enters the subway.
Fiona:
Oh, my God, this fucking day. Can you help me? I’m trying to find the train station and the map says to go down 5th street, and I did that, I went alllllll the way down 5th street and I’m not seeing anything, I’m not even hearing a train, am I going the wrong way?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
5th street?
Fiona:
Can I take my backpack off? I’ve been carrying this thing around all over the city.
Fiona puts her backpack down on the counter with a thud.
Fiona:
I tried to read this guide on all the essential things to pack, and the guy who sold this thing to me was, like, “You can pack a week’s worth of stuff in this one bag,” and I was, like, “Great, that’s the one for me,” but now I’m three weeks into my trip and I’m beginning to think that maybe one week for a guy is not the same as one week for a woman, you know what I mean?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Ma’am?
Fiona:
Anyway I am Fuck. Ing. Lost. I think, and I really need your help. Is the train station on 5th street or am I imagining that?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Ma’am there’s no 5th street downtown.
Fiona:
What?
Subway Sandwich Artist:
We don’t have a 5th street.
Phil:
Excuse me?
Fiona:
Look, it’s right here on the map.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Ma’am, that’s a map of New Haven, Connecticut.
Fiona:
I know.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
This is Bloomington, Indiana.
Fiona:
... Whoa.
Phil:
Hey!
Fiona:
I have taken a wrong turn somewhere.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Ya’ think?
Fiona:
I’m going to have to think about this.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
I guess so.
Fiona:
Okay, can I order some food? I need to figure this out.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
I need-
Phil:
I see. I see how it is.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
What?
Phil:
Black guy in wheelchair doesn’t exist in a Subway, I guess. I guess that’s how it is!
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Sir!
Fiona:
I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think.
Phil has exited the Subway.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Sir!
Phil:
(Outside on the sidewalk.) This Subway is racist!
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Oh, my god!
Phil:
A black man doesn’t exist in this Subway!
Subway Sandwich Artist:
Oh, come on!
The sandwich artist runs outside.
Phil:
Turns out racism is five dollars and a foot long!
Fiona:
Okay, Gloria, get ready.
Gloria:
Do you guys name your little schemes like Caspar and Leif do?
Fiona:
Phil calls this one Fear of a Black Sandwich.
Gloria:
Nice.
Fiona unzips her backpack. Peter stands up in the backpack.
Fiona:
Okay, Peter. Skeleton Key.
Peter:
Skeleton Key.
Peter leaps out of fiona’s backpack and runs through the back of the subway, shooting his laser at all the locked doors. Fiona moves into the back room.
Fiona:
Okay, Voon, I’m in the back.
Voon:
(In Fiona’s ear.) Excellent. Place the jamming device in the east wall in the back of the establishment.
Fiona:
Okay.
Fiona attaches a device to the wall and it powers up.
Fiona:
It’s on.
Voon:
Very good. This should sever any communications they may have with their home world. Their hideout appears to be directly underneath where you are currently standing.
Peter runs into the room and shoots a laser at the back door. The door swings open and Gloria is there.
Gloria:
Nice work, Peter.
Fiona:
They’re directly under us.
Gloria:
Okay, there should be a secret stairway or something nearby, right?
Fiona:
Should be.
Voon:
Gloria, do you have my Em unit?
Gloria:
I have your floating ball, Voon.
Voon:
Hold Em above your head so that it may scan for anomalous technologies.
Gloria:
Okay.
Em scans the room.
Voon:
Scan complete. Gloria, on the far wall there should be a calendar called “365 Days of Sandwich.”
Gloria:
I see it.
Voon:
There is a proximity lock behind that calendar. Hold Em to the calendar and the door should reveal itself.
Gloria:
Okay.
Subway Sandwich Artist:
(At the front of the store.) Hello?
Fiona:
Shit. I’m going to go run interference. Peter: sentry mode.
Peter:
Sentry mode.
Fiona:
Good luck.
We move to Ava’s chamber in krok’s castle. Ava is bored.
Ava:
Gather 'round while I sing you of Wernher von Braun A man whose allegianceIs ruled by expedienceCall him a Nazi, he won't even frown"Nazi, Schmazi!" says Wernher von Braun.
The door opens and two guards walk in.
Ava:
I really don’t have time to talk, boys. I’m busy growing my hair long enough to reach Prince Charming all the way on the ground.
Guard:
Please take this animal.
Karl hisses at the guards.
Ava:
Come here, Karl. You know I can stay up here just fine but, Karl’s not going to stand for it. He will come to you in your sleep.
Guard:
We have been instructed to search your premises.
Ava:
That’s a violation of my civil rights.
Guard:
We don’t know what that means.
Ava:
Who does these days?
Guard:
Please stand aside.
Ava:
Fine.
The guards search her quarters.
Ava:
Don't say that he's hypocritical, Say rather that he's apolitical,"Once zee rockets are up, who cares vere zay come down?That's not my department!" says Wernher von Braun.
One of the guards finds Ava’s space pager and activates it.
Guard:
What is this?
Ava:
It’s a gravy boat.
Guard:
I must report this to The Benefactor.
Ava:
That’s fine, but before you do that would you mind shoving it up your butt?
Guard:
... Why would I-
Ava:
Never mind. Get the fuck out of my room before Karl eats you.
The guards leave.
Ava:
(Singing.) You too may be a big hero,
Once you’ve learned to count backwards to zero.
“In German und English, I know how to count down.
And I’m learning Chinese.”
Says Werner von Braun.
We move to the mystery man hideout underneath the subway. A lone mystery man, banto, is trying to contact the home world.
Banto:
Home world, this is Banto, do you read me?... Home world, this is Banto on Earth 122, do you read me?...
There is a knock on the door.
Banto:
What the hell?
There is another knock on the door.
Banto:
Home world, this is Banto. If you can read me, I think my station is under attack. Please respond.
Banto picks up his gun and crosses to the door. He opens it and Gloria is there.
Gloria:
Hi.
Banto:
... Who are you?
Gloria:
I’m Gloria. I think you’re looking for me.
Banto:
I am?
Gloria:
Aren’t you?
Banto:
... You’re that lady from the diner.
Gloria:
That’s me.
Banto:
... What are you doing here?
Gloria:
I’m here to surrender.
Banto:
Surrender?
Gloria:
Yes.
Banto:
To me?
Gloria:
To you.
Banto:
... Why?
Gloria:
Does it matter?
Banto:
... Is this a trap?
Gloria:
How successful do you think you’ll be with that question? Why would I tell you if this was a trap?
Banto:
... Stand over there.
Gloria:
Okay.
Banto walks to the control panel and turns on a force field that surrounds Gloria.
Banto:
Don’t touch that force field, it’ll hurt you.
Gloria:
Okay.
Banto takes off his mask and tries to hail the home world again.
Banto:
Home world, this is Banto, do you read me?... Home world, this is Banto on Earth 122. Do you read me?...
Voon
Contents:
(In Gloria’s ear.)
Type:
Parenthetical
Unknown:
Gloria, we have a good signal. Em is working to analyze his technology. Remain calm and I will inform you when the process is complete.
Gloria:
Your name is Banto?
Banto:
How did you know that?
Gloria:
You just said it into your communicator thing.
Banto:
Oh... Yes, that’s my name.
Gloria:
It’s a fun name.
Banto:
I don’t think I’m supposed to talk to you.
Gloria:
Okay. Thing is, there doesn’t seem to be anyone else here. Is it just you here?
Banto:
I can have more men here anytime I want.
Gloria:
I’m sure.
Banto:
... How are you on this planet?
Gloria:
Well, we tried to escape Krok’s castle and that landed me here. And honestly I’m kind of useless on my own so, I figured I gave it a shot and it didn’t work out. May as well surrender... Big day for you, Banto. You just captured somebody pretty important.
Banto:
I didn’t actually do anything.
Gloria:
Well, we can keep that between us. Whatever heroic story you want to tell, I’ll be sure and back you up.
Banto:
... Why are you being nice to me?
Gloria:
I’m a nice person.
Banto:
You’re the enemy.
Gloria:
Says who.
Banto:
Says everybody.
Gloria:
How do they know?... What do you actually know about me?
Banto:
... I know that you’re like us. But you come from far away and you’re trying to destroy us.
Gloria:
Why would we try and destroy you?
Banto:
... I don’t know. You want to stop us from succeeding.
Gloria:
Succeeding at what?
Banto:
... Succeeding, I don’t know.
Gloria:
It’s okay... Back on my planet I never really know what our leaders are doing either.
Banto:
I know what we’re doing.
Gloria:
Okay.
Banto:
I do.
Gloria:
I believe you... So, is it really just you here, that sounds kind of lonely.
Banto:
I’m fine.
Gloria:
What do you do for fun?
Banto:
... I watch TV.
Gloria:
Oh yeah? What do you watch?
Banto:
Whatever is on.
Gloria:
What’s your favorite?
Banto:
... Alice.
Gloria:
Alice. Like, with “Mel’s Diner,” Alice?
Banto:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Okay.
Banto:
It’s funny.
Gloria:
It is funny.
Banto:
... I like it when the woman with the big hair says to “Kiss her Grits.”
Gloria:
I like that too.
Banto:
... What part of the body is the “grit.”
Gloria:
Oh, it’s not a body part it’s... grits are ground up corn.
Banto:
Corn.
Gloria:
Yeah. It’s called a euphemism.
Banto:
Huh... They work at a diner on Alice.
Gloria:
They do.
Banto:
...Why doesn’t their diner attack people like yours does?
Gloria:
Banto, our diner doesn’t attack people.
Banto:
Our people have been attacked there.
Gloria:
Who attacked who, Banto?
Banto tries communicating again.
Banto:
Home world, this is Banto, do you read me?... Home world, this is Banto on Earth 122. Do you read me?...
Voon:
Gloria, I have been able to access his weapon systems. I am quietly shutting down his offensive and defensive capabilities. Would you like me to deactivate the force field?
Gloria:
Give me some time, Voon.
Voon:
I shall.
Gloria:
Hey, Banto, you’re in a unique position right now. Here I am, I’m the enemy, you can ask me anything you want. Anything you want to know.
Banto:
... Do you know about square dancing?
Gloria:
Square dancing? Sure. I’ve never done it myself, but I have done El Caballo Dorado. Kind of the same thing.
Banto:
What is that?
Gloria:
It’s this dance that everyone does at parties. Anytime there’s a birthday or a quinceañera they start playing this song and everybody has to dance to it.
Banto:
Why do they force you to dance?
Gloria:
They don’t force you to, but there’s always somebody there at the party who will shame you into dancing.
Banto:
Everyone does this?
Gloria:
No, not everyone. Just where I’m from.
Banto:
Where are you from?
Gloria:
I’m from a place called Phoenix.
Banto:
Phoenix.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Banto:
... Alice is in Phoenix.
Gloria:
Oh, right. Yeah it is.
Banto:
Phoenix is real?
Gloria:
Phoenix is real.
Banto:
... On Alice I’ve never seen them do this dance.
Gloria:
Right. Well... There are a lot of different types of people on my planet, and different types of people do different types of things. We have different traditions.
Banto:
That sounds confusing.
Gloria:
It can be, sure. Meeting someone new— you never know what to expect, but that’s part of the fun.
Banto:
Why is that fun for there to be so many different types of people?
Gloria:
It’s fun because... Because when you spend time with someone who’s different from you, it makes you see parts of yourself in a different light. You get to know yourself better when you see how other people live. Sometimes it makes you grateful for what you have. Sometimes it makes you realize you could have more. Mostly it make you realize that the world isn’t just you. That the world is wide. And while you’ve been spending your whole life trying to find the right way to be, you talk to other people and you realize there is no right way to be, there’s a million different ways to be right. But then, in the middle of all this difference, you suddenly spot something familiar. Something that feels like you. So there you are, looking at someone completely different from you, and you see yourself. The world gets bigger and smaller at the same time.
Banto:
That... I would like that.
Gloria:
... Banto, I want you to choose to do something for me.
Banto:
What?
Gloria:
I want you to put your gun down. I want you to turn off this force field. And I want you to come meet some people who are very different from you. I think you need to.
Banto:
Who are they?
Gloria:
... They’re different. But they’re just like you.
Back in Krok’s castle ava is pulled once again into the main hall where krok is waiting.
Ava:
Okay, I’m back. I’m confined to my room, I’m not confined to my room, let’s find some consistency here on Mt. Evil, Krok.
Krok:
Explain this, please.
A video display appears. We hear chaos through the speakers.
Mystery Man 3:
(In the monitor.) Calling for immediate backup! We don’t know how they got in, she just appeared out of nowhere-
Ex:
(In the monitor.) Hey! No calling for help, that’s cheating!
Signal goes dead. Ava begins to maniacally “tee-hee-hee” to herself.
Krok:
I’m happy to see you’re entertained. Who is this woman?
Ava:
Well, that, Krok, is a small preview of your future ass whooping.
Krok:
Oh really?
Ava:
Yes. I can’t wait for you to meet her.
Krok:
Who is she?
Ava:
Don’t worry about it.
Krok:
Doctor.
Ava:
Hey. You lock me in the tower, and then you expect me to help you? No way, dude. I tried to help you this whole time. I tried to help you give up this ridiculous plan of yours, but you won’t listen to me. My work here is done.
Krok:
You tried to help me by alerting your friends to my vulnerabilities.
Ava:
Yes, but I think we can both agree that was for your own good.
Krok:
Enough, doctor.
Krok activates ava’s space pager.
Krok:
Perhaps you are here to help. This is all that I needed. This little device you’ve been hiding from me is all Jezinka will need to to make our weapon functional. The downfall of your friends was hiding in your pocket this entire time. Within the hour, Midnight Burger shall reach the end of its travels... Thank you for your assistance.
Ava:
Krok, do you know what a snow globe is?
Krok:
... Do I want to know what it is?
Ava:
You do. It’s a stupid little thing. It’s a globe and it’s got a little Statue of Liberty in there or something and some fake snow flakes and a bunch of water. You shake it up and ooooh it’s a snowstorm. Right?
You can only fit so much water inside the snow globe. If you try to force more water into the snow globe than the snow globe can handle, the snow globe will crack and shatter. You’re with me, right?
Krok:
Unfortunately.
Ava:
Somehow Jezinka has figured out how to harvest energy from vacuum fluctuations. Adding more and more energy to the universe. More and more water being added to the snow globe. This universe that you’re trying to save? You’re going to destroy it with that big gun of yours.
Krok:
I don’t believe the universe is so fragile, Doctor.
Ava:
It doesn’t matter what you believe. Every time you fire that gun, you’re running the risk of a cosmic imbalance. A cascading effect could ripple through the universe destroying everything.
Krok:
How convenient. The weapon that will win this war for me is the one thing you wish me to avoid. Do you really think me so stupid?
A guard enters rolling a locked container.
Ava:
Krok-
Krok:
Let us speed this confrontation to its inexorable end, shall we?
The container is opened and it contains several of the orbs from Chapter 44.
Krok:
Here they are... New energy. She’s discovered a way to harvest it, contain it within these spheres, and then weaponize it. This will be how I am finally rid of you all. The only thing that will be destroyed is any hope of your compatriots’ success.
Krok removes one sphere from the container.
Krok:
You wished to communicate to my daughters that I am a shell of a man. That I am no longer what I once was. How did you so artfully put it? “It’s all bullshit?”I believe you described me as a star, once burning bright, now fading into nothing... But there is another phase in the life of a star, isn’t there, Doctor? A star begins as a beacon in the darkness, and then, later in life... becomes the darkness itself.
Krok crushes the sphere between his hands. It shatters and energy begins to swirl all around him.
Krok:
I may not have power of my own, but I am an excellent repository for it. With this new energy, I am reborn... You there. What is your name?
Guard:
... R-ran.
Krok:
Goodbye, Ran.
Krok emits a massive burst of energy from his hands. Ran screams and vaporizes.
Krok:
... You have overplayed your hand, Doctor. Your warning has only led them into a trap. Now I will destroy them all.
We move to an empty baseball stadium on another earth. Caspar pretends to call a baseball game.
Caspar:
Folks, it’s the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded. You can cut the tension with a knife here in the stadium, even though it’s the off season and the stadium is completely abandoned. Coming up to the plate is Ex. Ex comes to us from San Francisco where she was formerly a psychotic robot chasing me around the multiverse, and before that was literally just a pile of sand.
Ex:
Silicates aren’t sand.
Caspar:
It’s a beautiful day here at whatever stadium this is. Ex is in the batter’s box now, she’s got a steely look in her eye, now here’s the pitch.
Ex:
Aren’t you supposed to throw this at me?
Caspar:
Well, I would, but we accidentally crushed the pitcher’s mound with the cube.
David:
Also he can’t throw.
Caspar:
There’s also that. Just toss the ball up and swing away.
Ex:
Okay.
Caspar:
Here’s the pitch...
We hear a massive crack as ex hit the ball with a bat.
Caspar:
Oh, she really tattooed that one. It’s going, it’s going, it’s... it’s still going, the ball is still going, it’s not coming down it’s... okay the ball is in space now.
Ex:
That was fun, who’s next?
David:
No athletics, please.
Caspar:
I would get up there and put you to shame but I’m busy doing the color commentary.
Ex:
Hey David, you know what I was thinking?
David:
What?
Ex:
Well, Philomena is kind of the closest thing I have to a mom. Which kind of means...
David:
Oh dear.
Ex:
That I’m kind of your sister.
David:
That’s so terrifying.
Ex:
Why?
Caspar:
Yeah, why? Just because she can show up randomly at any moment without any respect to your personal space and start reading your mind?
Ex:
I would never do that, David.
Caspar:
She’s done that to me many, many times.
Ex:
You love it.
Caspar:
My life happened to be in danger at the time, so I guess I do kind of love it. But hey, speaking of your mom. She says hello.
David:
My super genius mom?
Caspar:
Yes.
David:
It’s so weird to think of her as the smartest woman on the planet, when the last time we spoke I had to walk her through what an Instagram story was.
Caspar:
I know. But I’m sure somewhere out there is the super genius version of me.
Ex:
Caspar, I’ve met millions of versions of you and none of them were super geniuses. Just saying.
Caspar:
Completely uncalled for.
Ex:
Hey, you should tell David about the art opening.
David:
The what?
Caspar:
Oh, yeah. So the other David was showing his stuff at a gallery opening in Baltimore.
David:
Oh, yeah?
Caspar:
Yeah, pretty cool, right?
David:
I’m just thriving in every timeline.
Caspar:
It’s true... But hey, family meeting... How are you doing?
David:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
I mean, you’ve been out here for a while, you had to leave everything behind... How are you feeling?
David:
... Good.
Caspar:
Yeah?
David:
Yeah... Ex was telling me you gave her a little speech one time about things having meaning?
Caspar:
I did?
Ex:
Yeah, on the Ted home world.
Caspar:
Right, yes, Leif’s arm.
David:
Which, by the way, where was this wisdom in my youth? I got none of that from you as a child.
Caspar:
In my defense, I had several decades trapped in a diner to develop that wisdom.
David:
Anyway. Thinking back on Los Angeles... So many people. Maybe most people walk around all day and nothing means anything. There’s no meaning to it all... They don’t have to be out here fighting evil or something, but there has to be meaning to it right? Some sort of purpose? It can’t be just making it to the next day.
Caspar:
I don’t know David, I think for some people making it to the next day is pretty fucking meaningful. Depends on who you are. Who you are is the person who needs something more than that. You need to go out there and to face it. That's who you are, that's how it's meaningful for you. For the longest time, making it to the end of the day was a monumental feat for me. It meant a lot. Mainly because I didn't see the point of doing it, but I kept doing it. I kept doing it until it meant something. Not everybody has to go fight Krok the Propigator. They just have to get out of bed in the morning and that means a lot to them.
David:
... Exactly. That right there. Where was that wisdom?
Caspar:
I just told you-
Kazi:
(In everyone’s earpieces.) Caspar.
Caspar:
What’s up?
Kazi:
We’re detecting an imminent volley of energy from the home world.
Ex:
Is it the gun?
Caspar:
I thought they didn’t know how to use the big gun now!
Kazi:
They must’ve figured something out. Change your location immediately.
Caspar:
Shit.
David:
Let’s go!
Caspar:
Everybody into the cube, let’s go.
They all enter the cube.
Ex:
How much time do we have?
Kazi:
We don’t know yet.
Caspar:
Let’s go!
Ex:
Where am I going?
Caspar:
Anywhere, just put us in deep space.
Ex:
Hang on.
The cube jumps and they are now in space.
Ex:
Okay.
Caspar:
Kazi, we’ve changed locations.
Kazi:
It hasn’t fired yet.
David:
What do we do if it fires?
Caspar:
If it fires at us, we wait here for a minute and then move before it hits us.
David:
And if it doesn’t fire at us?
Caspar:
... Kazi?
Kazi:
... He’s fired the weapon...
Caspar:
... And?
Kazi:
... There’s a single beam of massive energy headed for the diner.
David:
Shit.
Caspar:
I thought they couldn’t do that!
Ex:
How much time do we have?
Kazi:
... Roughly a minute.
Caspar:
What?!
David:
We have to warn them!... Kazi!
Kazi:
... I don’t think I should do that, David.
David:
Why!?
Kazi:
... There’s nowhere for them to hide. This amount of energy being released... It’ll destabilize the whole planet. There’s nowhere they could shelter themselves.
David:
We can’t just sit here!
Kazi:
... I’m sorry, David...
David:
Dad!... Come on, where’s some of that wisdom I was talking about?... Dad!
Caspar:
... Okay, you want wisdom?
David:
Yeah!
Unknown:
It’s no good living your life as the person who watched it happen.
David:
... Okay.
Caspar:
Okay?
David:
... Yeah.
Caspar:
The cube is made of the same stuff you’re made of right?
Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
How indestructible are you?
Ex:
... I don’t know.
Caspar:
... Put us in the path of the gun.
Ex:
Hang on.
The cube jumps again to another location in deep space. We can hear a massive wave of energy headed toward them.
Ex:
Okay. Here it comes.
Caspar:
Jesus Christ.
David:
Holy shit.
Caspar:
... Give me your hands... I love you guys.
The energy beam is almost to them. Caspar closes his eyes.
Caspar:
Fermions and bosons.
The energy beam strikes the cube. Silence.
The end.
No next episode