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Midnight Burger
Chapter 40: Romney for America
We hear the sound of a busy coffee shop.
Fiona:
Here’s your cappuccino.
David:
Thanks. I could’ve come up there.
Fiona:
Oh, it’s no problem. Do you want to hear something funny?
David:
Sure.
Fiona:
We get secret shoppers coming in here from corporate sometimes. They will literally order a cappuccino, then go out to a van where they have equipment that can weigh the amount of foam we’ve put on the cappuccinos.
David:
You’re kidding.
Fiona:
No, it’s so ridiculous. I love your phone screen.
David:
Thanks.
Fiona:
What is that?
David:
It’s mine. It’s a piece a did.
Fiona:
You’re a street artist?
David:
I am.
Fiona:
That’s so cool. I love it.
David:
Thanks.
Fiona:
Wow, what phone is that? Is that the new one?
David:
It is.
Fiona:
Can you believe this, look at my phone, my screen is so fucked.
David:
A cracked screen is a sign of a busy life.
Fiona:
Tell me about it, I just got it last year and already this happened.
David:
Last year?
Fiona:
Yeah. Ridiculous. Are you new to the area, I haven’t seen you in here before, we have a lot of regulars.
David:
Yeah, I... just got here.
Fiona:
Welcome.
David:
Thanks.
Fiona:
Hey, have you heard of Nicki Minaj?
David:
Have I heard of her?
Fiona:
My friends are going to her show tonight and we have an extra ticket. Might be a good way to get to know people if you’re new in town.
David:
Uh, sure, why not?
Fiona:
Cool. Give me your phone, I’ll put in my number.
David:
Okay.
Fiona:
(Typing.) Wow, this phone is so cool, okay, there you go. Fiona.
David:
Got it.
Fiona:
I’m working until six and then my friends are picking me up here.
David:
Sounds like fun.
Fiona:
Great! Anyway, like I said, I’m Fiona.
David:
Uh, Dustin. Dustin Watson
Fiona:
Nice to meet you, Dustin Watson.
David:
Same here.
Fiona walks away.
Leif:
(In David’d earpiece.) Guys, round of applause for David’s first on-the-fly Alias, let’s hear it.
they applaud.
David:
Very funny.
Gloria:
Good job, David. She really bought it.
David:
She did. Such a tragedy, though.
Gloria:
What’s that?
David:
Well, if this were a normal situation, she would stalk me on Instagram, being very careful not to like anything, and then she would finally see my pictures from LA Pride 2018 and her little heart would be crushed.
Gloria:
Thanks for describing my late twenties to me, David.
David:
But this is, of course, not a normal situation.
Gloria:
It’s not.
David:
Tell me. How far are we from Earth right now?
Gloria:
Leif?
Leif:
About 820,000 light years as the crow flies, David.
David:
Uh-huh. Y’all I’m at a Starbucks.
Gloria:
Yeah, it’s pretty weird, David.
David:
You haven’t seen something like this before?
Gloria:
We’ve been to a bunch of different versions of Earth but they’re always where Earth is supposed to be. This place looks like Earth but like Leif said, it’s in the wrong place. We’re trying to figure it out.
Leif:
David, remember we were talking about Cryptessia?
David:
That’s where the Sisters went.
Leif:
Yes. That’s where the diner took us. We didn’t travel through dimensions, we did’t travel through time, we just traveled spatially. And somehow here in Cryptessia is a duplicate of Earth.
David:
Can I say I’m disappointed? I was expecting octopus creatures on Glorbnar-7 or something.
Gloria:
We didn’t know what to expect but we didn’t expect this.
David:
Well, if it is another Earth, it’s from a few years ago.
Gloria:
What do you mean?
David:
Her phone was an older phone but she said she got it last year. That was like an iPhone 5, it still had a button on it. Also, she asked me if I had heard of Nicki Minaj, like her first album had just dropped.
Gloria:
Interesting. Good catch, David.
There’s an alert on david’s phone.
David:
One moment... Oh my.
Gloria:
What?
David:
The audacity.
Gloria:
What’s happening?
David:
A man in this Starbucks has just airdropped a shirtless picture to me.
Gloria:
Whoa.
David:
Not sure how I should respond to that in this situation.
Gloria:
I mean, how does he look?
Caspar:
No hookups on the hostile alien planet, please.
Leif:
Caspar, c’mon. That’s where the best hookups are.
Caspar:
Leif.
Gloria:
David, you’re doing a great job but I don’t think we need you to go that undercover.
David:
I think it’s important to acknowledge that I have had two people hit on me already at this Starbucks, so I may be far from home, but I’m thriving.
Gloria:
Acknowledged.
Caspar:
Okay, can we get him back here please, we’re really pushing it.
Gloria:
Yeah, David, you can come on back.
David:
... Hang on.
Gloria:
... What?
David:
I saw something, Hang on.
Gloria:
Where are you going?
David walks out of the starbucks and onto the busy street.
Caspar:
David, what the hell are you doing?
David:
I’m walking down the street.
Caspar:
Walking down the street towards us, I hope.
David:
This place is trying to convince us that it’s Earth, right?
Gloria:
I don’t know if it’s trying to convince us of anything but, they’ve got Nicki Minaj. That’s a pretty deep detail.
David:
If it’s trying to be Earth then why am I following a woman down the street with green skin right now?
Leif:
Whoa.
Caspar:
Green skin?
Gloria:
Okay. David, look around, is there anyone else who has alien vibes?
David:
No, it’s Earthlings wall to wall.
Gloria:
Is anyone else seeing her?
David:
No, it’s like she perfectly blends in.
Gloria:
Weird. Okay, stay on her, David.
Caspar:
Gloria.
Gloria:
Caspar, we talked about this, these guys may know who we are so we sent David to look around, it’s the best choice.
David:
It’s the best choice.
Leif:
David, can you give me anything other than green?
David:
I can’t see her that well.
Gloria:
Don’t make contact, hang back.
Caspar:
Hang way back, please.
David:
Can we get him some camomile tea?
Gloria:
Yeah, Caspar can you chill out, please?
Caspar:
That’s easy for you to say, my son just volunteered for a life of danger.
David:
This fool thought he could show me a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner and I would just go back to work on Monday.
Caspar:
The quiet life is underrated, David.
David:
Depends on your rating system... Hang on, she stopped.
Gloria:
What’s she doing?
David:
She’s looking around... She looks...
Gloria:
Looks like what?
David:
You know that look people have right before they do something crazy?
Gloria:
I know that look.
David:
She just went into a convenience store, should I follow her?
Caspar:
No.
Leif:
I wouldn’t, David, you might lose her in there.
David:
Okay. I think I saw yellow stripes.
Leif:
Green with yellow stripes, green with yellow stripes. Lemonier?
Caspar:
We’re just as far from there as we are from Earth.
David:
She’s already out... She’s got a gallon of water in her hands.
Gloria:
Weird.
We hear water splashing.
David:
... And she’s pouring it all over herself.
Gloria:
Is anyone noticing her yet?
David:
Kind of. But they’re just walking past her like she’s some weird lady on the street.
Gloria:
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
David:
Uh-oh. Cops.
Leif:
Shit.
David:
Cop car is rolling by slowly... Oh lord, she has picked up a trash can.
We hear a trash can hit the police car. The car blasts its sirens and stops.
David:
And she threw it. She’s getting arrested.
Maloo:
This is a lie! They are lying to you! You are being lied to!
David:
Not sure what she was trying to accomplish but... respect.
Caspar:
I know that voice.
Gloria:
You do?
Caspar:
She’s green?
David:
Yeah.
Caspar:
... Maloo. Her name is Maloo, I think.
David:
(Calling to her.) Maloo!
Caspar:
David, stop it.
Maloo:
... You can see me?
David:
I can see you!
Maloo:
How?
The door to the cop car shuts.
David:
They’ve got her in the car.
Leif:
She was one of the refugees?
Caspar:
Yeah, she was just a kid.
David:
We need to talk to her.
Gloria:
That’s going to be a little hard now.
Caspar:
Okay, David, get back here, we need to figure this out.
Leif:
If she’s here, the others could be here.
David:
Yeah...
Caspar:
... David.
David:
I hope y’all have some cash under the mattress.
Gloria:
What are you doing, David?
David:
I’m going to need bail money.
Caspar:
David.
David:
Trash can seemed to do the trick.
Caspar:
David!
David:
You dropped this!
We hear another trash can hitting the car.
Gloria:
Oh shit!
Caspar:
David, what the fuck!
Later. Inside the cop car. we hear the door open and close. We are now inside the cop car with david and maloo.
David:
Hello there.
Maloo:
How can you see me? Who are you?
David:
Looks like everybody can see you, I’m the only one who sees a green person.
Maloo:
Why?
David:
I don’t know. I’m David. You know my dad, Caspar?
Maloo:
Caspar. He’s here?
David:
He’s here, the diner’s here.
Maloo:
... Libuza was right. She said he would come back. Are the sisters here?
David:
They’re not here?
Maloo:
We were separated.
David:
Maloo, what’s going on?
Maloo:
I don’t know where to start.
David:
Have you been arrested before?
Maloo:
No. Is that what they’re doing?
David:
Yes. We’re going to the precinct and they’re going to process us, after they process us, they’re going to split us up. That’s how much time you have to tell me everything.
The two cops get into the car and start the engine.
David:
Clock’s ticking.
Maloo:
I’ll start at the beginning...
We move to the roof of the diner. David debriefs the team.
David:
(In their earpieces.) So when their colony got attacked, the refugees all got split up, they don’t know where. Maloo says there’s a small group of them being held in a building somewhere. She said it was a building with a picture of a disturbing man on it, that’s all she can give me.
Caspar:
A disturbing man on it?
Gloria:
How did she get out?
David:
The mystery men said to them that if they agreed to try and live peacefully in their society, they could go free. Maloo agreed because she thought if she got out of confinement she could try and find a way out, or a way to contact someone.
Caspar:
David, Lemonians are green amphibians, how come nobody is noticing that about her?
David:
She doesn’t know.
Gloria:
Okay, obviously the diner brought us here for the refugees, right? Fuck, even if it didn’t we’re getting the refugees out.
Leif:
“A building with a disturbing man on the front” isn’t much to go with.
Gloria:
We go with what we’ve got. I don’t know what’s going on with this weird Pleasantville planet we’re on, but let’s focus on the real stuff. We’ve got two problems: we need to get David and this girl out of jail and we need to find this secret prison they’re keeping the refugees in.
Caspar:
We’re doing double jailbreaks now?
Gloria:
No, we’ve got some weird army on our trail, so let’s not attract too much attention.
Caspar:
I can bail them out of jail.
Gloria:
No, I can bail them out of jail.
Caspar:
Gloria.
Gloria:
Caspar, have you ever bailed someone out of jail? I’ve bailed so many sous chefs out of jail that I’m basically a lawyer. I’ll handle jail, I need you to hit the streets and see if you can find a building with a disturbing man on it. Leif, lock up the front door and see if you can find out anything more about this planet.
Leif:
I’m going to try and find out if they’ve got satellites. If they have iPhones there’s got to be GPS. I’ll try and get a bird’s eye view.
Gloria:
Great. David, have you seen anyone using money?
David:
(In earpiece.) Yeah, just looks like regular cash.
Gloria:
Good.
David:
Hey, is this going on my permanent record?
Caspar:
You bet your ass it’s going on your permanent record.
Gloria:
Be a dad later, Caspar. Go find the refugees. David, I’m coming to you.
David:
Bring Top Ramen. It’s like currency in here.
Caspar:
No prison jokes.
Gloria:
Everybody get to work, please?
In the police PRECINCT. David and maloo are handcuffed to a bench.
David:
So, assuming this works like Earth, we’ll be handcuffed to this bench for a few hours while everyone ignores us, then they’ll take us off to holding cells and wait for someone to bail us out.
Maloo:
You’ve done this before?
David:
I had a bit of a misspent youth, yes... You know, you’re my first alien.
Maloo:
What do you mean?
David:
I’ve never met someone from another planet before.
Maloo:
Really?
David:
Yes. You don’t disappoint.
Maloo:
What do you mean?
David:
I mean, look at you. You’re green, you’ve got webbed feet. Pretty cool. Caspar tells me you’re amphibious.
Maloo:
Yes.
David:
So you can breathe underwater?
Maloo:
Only when we’re babies. Then we learn to breathe air.
David:
So, your whole childhood is underwater?
Maloo:
Yes. And we are yellow when we are born and then we turn green.
David:
That is fucking amazing, Maloo.
Maloo:
It does not feel fucking amazing to me.
David:
Yeah, I guess not. What can humans do that you think is amazing?
Maloo:
... Nothing.
David:
Ha! That checks out.
Maloo:
We like your stories.
David:
Our stories?
Maloo:
We like to watch your television stories.
David:
You watch TV from Earth?
Maloo:
Yes.
David:
What’s your favorite one?
Maloo:
The one where there is an island, and they are trying to get off?
David:
Lost?
Maloo:
No. There is a big man and a small man and a smart man.
David:
Gilligan’s Island?
Maloo:
Yes. I like it. It’s funny.
David:
So you’re skipping over prestige TV and just going straight for Gilligan’s island?
Maloo:
They are from different places but they are all together. Like we were in the beginning.
David:
That’s when you met my dad.
Maloo:
Yes. He saved us.
David:
... What was he like back then?
Maloo:
He was mad about things all the time. He was like the big man on Gilligan’s Island.
David:
That sounds about right... Maloo what do you think all this is about? Why do they have you here? What is this place? Why does it look like Earth?
Maloo:
I don’t know. They want us to be like them, to live like them.
David:
And you said “hell no,” and then threw a trash can at a cop car?
Maloo:
I was desperate. I didn’t think you were coming. I made a plan. It was a bad plan.
David:
A plan, what was your plan?
Maloo:
... I found a way out.
We hear the sound of one of the mystery men teleporting into the PRECINCT.
David:
I know that sound.
Maloo:
David, listen to me... When he comes. You must pretend you don’t see him.
David:
What?
Maloo:
I’m sorry, David.
David:
Maloo, what’s happening?
Maloo:
Their weapons don’t kill you. They send you somewhere far away. I thought it was my only way out.
David:
... You became a problem so they’d come and eliminate you.
Maloo:
... I didn’t think you would come. I lost faith.
David:
(Into his earpiece.) Guys, we’ve got a problem. One of the Mystery Men is here at the precinct. We’re in trouble... guys?... Fuck.
Maloo:
You have to look away when he comes. You have to be like the others, the others will not notice him.
David:
Why won’t they notice him?
Maloo:
I don’t know.
David:
Okay, listen to me, I can tell you how to get out of those handcuffs-
Maloo:
David, it doesn’t matter. They can be anywhere they want.
David:
We can’t just sit here.
Maloo:
Tell them to take care of my family if they find them. Tell Libuza I am sorry. I stopped believing.
David:
Maloo-
Maloo:
He’s here. You must be quiet.
We hear the heavy footsteps of a mystery man come around the corner of the PRECINCT hall. No one in the busy office notices him. He walks to Maloo and stands in front of her.
Maloo:
... We make the world.
The mystery man charges up his weapon and fires. Maloo is gone. David struggles to stay silent. The Mystery Man Teleports away.
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) ... David? David I’m trying to talk to you is your earpiece not working?... David?
David:
Gloria.
Gloria:
There you are. I’m almost there, okay.
David:
Gloria, something happened.
Gloria:
What?... What happened?... David, what happened?
We move to caspar walking down the street.
Caspar:
Building with a disturbing man on it... building with a disturbing man on it... Pep Boys?
Leif:
(In earpiece.) That’s three disturbing men.
Caspar:
Right... There’s a brew pub here. “Mr. Bad News,” it’s got a picture of a guy on it... Honestly he looks kind of affable... Michelin man?
Leif:
Pass.
Caspar:
(To people passing him on the street.) Hey folks, just talking to myself on the street, trying to work it out, we’ve all been there... Leif it’s so disturbing that all of this is here.There’s People walking by me, they look totally human, How is there an exact copy of Earth?
Leif:
I’m up on the GPS now. It’s even more disturbing than that.
Caspar:
What do you mean?
Leif:
It’s not Earth.
Caspar:
We know that already.
Leif:
No, I mean... it’s like if Earth had completely different geography. There’s no Europe or anything it’s just... It’s like if Earth happened on a completely different planet. It’s an Earth-like planet but the map is totally different.
Caspar:
Why is that more disturbing?
Leif:
There’s no way an Earth-like planet could’ve developed to be exactly like Earth. They’ve got Starbucks, they’ve got iPhones. Looking down at this planet, this isn’t just one city. There’s cities everywhere, just like Earth. This planet should be completely different from Earth but, it’s looking like everything that’s happened on Earth has happened here too. But it’s not Earth.
Caspar:
How is that possible?
Leif:
It had to be orchestrated somehow.
Caspar:
Like it’s all a front?
Leif:
You can’t set up an entire civilization as a facade. Why would you?
Caspar:
You also can’t orchestrate that a planet develops exactly like Earth, that’s impossible.
Leif:
I know, but here we are. I don’t like it.
Caspar:
I vote we get out of here as soon as possible.
Leif:
Agreed.
Caspar:
Okay, I’ve got a Kentucky Fried Chicken here. What do we think? Colonel Sanders? Disturbing, not disturbing?
Leif:
I don’t know if he’s disturbing but I could really use a Double Down right now.
Caspar:
I’m not taking orders Leif.
Leif:
I think it’s important that we find out if the double down on this fake Earth tastes the same as the real thing.
Caspar:
Leif, can you imagine the ass whooping we would get from Gloria If I walked in the door with a chicken bucket?
Leif:
We’re doing it for science.
Caspar:
Why are you making jokes right now, this isn’t joke time.
Leif:
I would just like to say: I know we’re in a precarious situation right now, but, we’re not in Pasadena.
Caspar:
Uh-huh.
Leif:
You’re about to go into a KFC looking for imprisoned alien refugees, I feel like I’m home again.
Caspar:
I’m glad someone’s enjoying themselves.
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) Guys.
Leif:
What’s up?
Gloria:
Something’s happened...
We move to a meeting room at the precinct. David waits. The door swings open and Gloria enters.
Gloria:
Hey. Act casual, I convinced them that I’m your lawyer... how are you doing?
David:
What the hell did I just witness?
Gloria:
You just had a very close call with danger, David.
David:
I turned off my earpiece, is he freaking out?
Gloria:
Oh yes. I turned mine off too. He’ll be okay.
David:
... She said getting shot by one of those things was a way out. What was she talking about?
Gloria:
Leif says that their weapons don’t kill, they place you in a random place in space and time.
David:
So she could still be alive.
Gloria:
... David, you came along with us as an adult so I’m going to treat you like one okay?
David:
I am an adult.
Gloria:
There are some adults that I don’t speak to like adults, one of them is your dad.... Every universe has a lot of crazy and wonderful and terrifying things in them. But every universe, despite all the things in it—it’s still mostly nothing. The chances of this girl ending up somewhere where she was safe... it’s almost zero... most likely she was teleported into the void of space somewhere.
David:
Who the fuck are these people? What is this place?
Gloria:
I don’t know, David. Whoever they are, they aren’t fucking around.
David:
He shot her right in front of me. Right in front of everybody and nobody did anything.
Gloria:
I know.
David:
Nobody even saw him.
Gloria:
David this place looks exactly like Earth but there’s something really fucked up going on.
David:
It’s like the suburbs.
Gloria:
The suburbs, what do you mean?
David:
There was this thing that happened in LA. Turned out all the surrounding cities were sweeping up the unhoused people and just dumping them in Skid Row downtown, like it was a landfill. Keeping the suburbs clean. They’ve got to be keeping them somewhere.
Gloria:
Jesus Christ. You know I spend so much time dealing with evil empires out here that I sometimes forget about my own back home.
David:
We’ve got to find them.
Gloria:
Caspar’s looking for them right now. He’s checking out a KFC at the moment.
David:
She said to take care of her family. She’s got family somewhere.
Gloria:
We’re going to do everything we can.
David:
... Is it always like this?
Gloria:
No... no, this is different. Your dad wasn’t exaggerating. He was right to freak out that you stowed away with us.
David:
I’m surprised he let me leave the diner.
Gloria:
Me too. But I think he was trying to respect your choices... Regardless, you’re in it now. Anything else you want to tell me before I try and bail you out?
David:
... I think it’s 2012.
Gloria:
2012?
David:
Yeah, we need to find something with a date on it.
Gloria:
Okay. Why 2012?
David:
That barista, her phone was an iPhone 5 I think. Niki Minaj’s first album came out around then, too. Also, that guy that tried to airdrop me a shirtless photo? Let’s just say that airdrop was an over-utilized function when it first came out and it was also around 2012.
Gloria:
Okay. Weird. Good work, David.
David:
What the hell does 2012 have to do with anything?
Gloria:
No clue. Look, your dad is freaking out, we’ve got to turn our earpieces back on.
David:
Oh, that was another thing, when that asshole was nearby I couldn’t hear you guys, my earpiece wouldn’t work.
Gloria:
Okay, well at least we’ll know when they’re coming...
Gloria:
(Into earpiece.) Caspar I’m giving you two minutes to yell. Go nuts.
We move to the roof. We hear leif typing, retro hip-hop in the background, and the sound of peter moving.
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) ... I’d like someone to acknowledge that I was right and it was a terrible idea for him to come with us.
Leif:
He was looking down the barrel of a lifetime working for the city archives, Caspar. I can’t say that I blame him.
Caspar:
This is not the life of adventure that people think it is.
Leif:
Caspar, I totally respect you being freaked out right now, it sounds like it was a scary situation, but I’m sorry, man. This is exactly the life of adventure that people think it is.
Caspar:
They killed that girl right in front of him. He could’ve been killed, Leif.
Leif:
Put yourself in his shoes. How long did you work at the DMV?
Caspar:
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Leif:
How long?
Caspar:
That’s all I really did, I started working there when I was 22.
Leif:
Okay, imagine yourself at, like, year seven of working at the DMV. You don’t have kids you’re not married. A magical diner appears right in front of you, what are you doing?
Caspar:
Shitting in my pants.
Leif:
Sure. How about after that? Are you walking back inside to take driver’s license photos? I think not, my friend.
Caspar:
Leif, I am hard wired to keep him away from danger.
Leif:
And to hear you tell it, it was that hard-wiring of yours that drove him out of the house in the first place.
Caspar:
...
Leif:
You can’t keep him down on the farm, man. This is the choice he’s made, he’s going to see some shit.
Caspar:
I really don’t like it when you make the “yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me” argument.
Leif:
Caspar, this place abducted you and you were forced to live here for over a century. Guess what? You’re better off because of it. Despite everything, are you honestly telling me that you’d like to go back to being the guy you were all those years ago? You’re better off. And in this humble pirate’s opinion? He will be too.
Caspar:
They killed her right in front of him.
Leif:
People die every day. You think nobody dies on Earth? The difference is that right now, he’s out there trying to do something about it. He wouldn’t be able to do that on Earth.
Caspar:
... What is that music?
Leif:
I’m teaching Peter to breakdance.
Caspar:
You’re teaching the robot to breakdance while I’m telling you about my problems?
Leif:
I’m also trying to hack into NORAD while you’re telling me about your problems. I can multitask.
Caspar:
... Oh shit...
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
Didn’t Gloria say something about it being 2012 on this planet?
Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
I fucking found it.
Leif:
The building with the disturbing man on it? What is it?
Caspar:
Romney for America local headquarters.
Leif:
... Holy magical underwear, Batman.
Caspar:
That’s got to be it, right?
Leif:
Is there a big ghoulish picture of Mitt Romney on it?
Caspar:
In all his Stepford Wives glory. Do you see me on the map?
Leif:
Yeah, you’re just a couple of blocks away.
Caspar:
Okay we need to come up with some sort of-
Leif:
... Caspar?... Caspar can you hear me?
Near the diner, we hear the sound of one of the mystery men arriving.
Leif:
Fuck... Peter, silent mode.
Peter stops dancing.
Leif:
(Whispering.) If anyone can hear me, we’ve got a bogey at the diner... anyone?
Mystery Man:
The prime construct has arrived on Project 2012. Alert the nearest Vezna.
Leif:
Okay... Peter... what do you say we get to know our new friend?
We move to Caspar on the street.
Caspar:
... No, Gloria, I’m telling you I was talking to him and he just disappeared.
Gloria:
(In earpiece.) Shit.
David:
(In earpiece.) When one of those guys shows up, our earpieces go out.
Caspar:
Seriously?
David:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Shit, okay I’m not far. I’m going to head back to the diner. You guys just stay put okay?... Guys?... Guys... Oh shit.
Another mystery man appears on the sidewalk in front of Caspar.
Caspar:
... Oh fuck...
The mystery man charges up his weapon and is about to fire. The sound of the charging weapon is replaced by the shriek of the lazer saw. Leif brings the lazer saw down on the mystery man. We hear screaming through his helmet and the lazer saw cutting through metal. The mystery man drops dead to the ground and the lazer saw spins down.
Leif:
... Lazer saw.
Gloria:
Guys? Caspar are you okay?
Leif:
We’re okay, Gloria.
David:
What happened?
Caspar:
... I thought they had impenetrable shields?
Leif:
They do. Turns out they can’t have their shields up while they’re charging their weapon, it’s all the same power system. There’s another dead one back at the diner.
Caspar:
(Hyperventilating a little bit.) Ohfuckjesuschristthatwassostressful.
Gloria:
So everyone’s okay?
Caspar:
JesuschristIthoughthewasgoingtoshootmewithhisthing.
Leif:
Gloria, one of them saw the diner. They know we’re here. We need to pick up the pace.
Caspar:
Veryclosetodeath.
David:
What about the refugees?
Leif:
We think we know where they are. Get this, it’s a Romney for America headquarters.
Gloria:
They even have a Mitt Romney here?
Leif:
I mean, of all the political candidates to be on another planet...
Caspar:
Oh right. Yeah. Because of the Mormon planet thing.
Gloria:
What are you talking about?
Caspar:
Isn’t that a Mormon thing? If they’re good Mormons they get their own planet when they die?
Gloria:
They do?
Caspar:
Wait... is this Mitt Romney’s planet?
Gloria:
His planet?
Caspar:
What if Mitt Romney has died and he’s been put in charge of this planet and now we’re under attack by space mormons?
Gloria:
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Leif:
I think Caspar’s a little delirious because he almost got killed by the time gun.
Caspar:
Ialmostgotkilledbythetimegun.
Leif:
We’re going to get these refugees out of the Romney headquarters and then we can hideout at the diner until it’s time to go.
Gloria:
Great, but we’re stuck at the precinct. This could take hours.
Leif:
I’ve got you covered. Sit tight and be ready to move, okay?
Gloria:
Great. Do I even want to know?
Leif:
It’s going to be fine. Turns out it is a double jailbreak day. Caspar?
Caspar:
Yeah?
Leif:
We’ve got to get into the Mitt Romney headquarters.
Caspar:
Right... right... There’s a local camera crew outside the headquarters.
Leif:
Yeah... you’re thinking Huell Howser?
Caspar:
That’s what I’m thinking.
Leif:
That’s not bad. I’ll go steal a camera.
David:
(In earpiece.) You can’t be serious.
We switch back to the PRECINCT.
Gloria:
Who is Huell Howser?
David:
I can’t believe this is happening.
Gloria:
Is this another one of your crazy plans?
Caspar:
(In earpiece.) Let me just pull one of my responsible plans out of my back pocket.
Gloria:
David, what is about to happen?
David:
I’m guessing you didn’t grow up watching California public television.
Gloria:
No, of course I didn’t.
David:
I can’t believe I’m 820,000 light years from Earth and I still cannot escape this nonsense.
Leif:
(In earpiece.) Okay, I’ve got the camera, let’s roll.
We hear the door open.
Caspar:
(Doing an impression of Southern California Public Television Legend, Huell Howser.) Alright now we’re inside! Well, look at this place hello there, what’s your name?
Charlotte:
Who are you?
Caspar:
Louis, get a shot of this person here. We are inside an actual presidential campaign headquarters, isn’t that right?
Charlotte:
Uh, yes.
Caspar:
What’s your name?
Charlotte:
Charlotte?
Caspar:
Hey there, Charlotte. Louis, get a shot of Charlotte over here in an actual campaign office, So what goes on here?
Charlotte:
We’re... running a campaign for president?
Caspar:
That is really something and how’s it been going?
Charlotte:
Fine?
Caspar:
Look at all this back here. Louis, we’ve got all sorts of people on all sorts of phones now, don’t we?
Charlotte:
Excuse me?
Caspar:
Charlotte, what’s your last name?
Charlotte:
I’m Charlotte Tobiah, I’m a volunteer organizer.
Caspar:
Charlotte I’m looking around here and I’m seeing all sorts of activity. I’m see people mailing things, I’m seeing people on phones. How do you keep your head screwed on straight around here?
Charlotte:
I’m sorry, what is this for?
Caspar:
And what’s this over here? Louis, get a shot of this over here. That there is a picture of a man in a real big hat.
Charlotte:
This is our candidate with a local business owner.
Caspar:
A local business owner, that is really something. What does he do?
Charlotte:
I believe he’s the Donut King?
Gloria:
What is he doing?
Caspar:
The Donut King, Louis, can you believe that?
David:
Huell Howser.
Caspar:
He’s got himself a hat instead of a crown doesn’t he?
David:
He was this public television guy. He loved to do this impression when he picked me up from school.
Caspar:
And here we’ve got what looks like a cardboard cutout of the candidate himself don’t we?
David:
I can’t believe this was his plan.
Gloria:
I can.
Caspar:
Charlotte, be honest with me. Do you ever stand next to this cardboard cutout and see if you’re taller than him? Louis, I’m standing next to him right now, how do I measure up?
Charlotte:
Ok, can you please tell me what this is for?
Caspar:
Charlotte, tell me more about what you’re doing here. What is your life like: are you just working day and night?
We hear a door close through the earpiece.
Leif:
Okay, I’m in.
Gloria:
You’re in? Who’s holding the camera?
Leif:
Trust me, he can keep them going for a half hour, they’re not going to notice I’m gone.
David:
Where are you?
Leif:
Looks like I’m in a storage room... If I were a secret refugee prison where would I be?... That transformer box is in the wrong place...
We hear a door slide open.
Leif:
Bingo...
We hear leif walking down some stairs.
Leif:
Ominous stairway going down. Sure.
Gloria:
Leif be careful, there could be more of them down there.
Leif:
Either that or I already killed them...
We hear the hum of an energy field.
Leif:
Shit.
David:
What?
Leif:
They’re here.
Gloria:
The refugees?
Leif:
Yeah. They’re in some sort of energy field. May take me a minute to find the off switch.
Gloria:
How many are there?
Leif:
Looks like about twenty. Jesus, they look fucking terrified.
Gloria:
Get them out of there, Leif.
Leif:
I will. Time for you guys to get out of there.
Gloria:
Yeah, what is your plan for that again?
Outside gloria and david’s room, we hear Peter run by.
David:
Seriously?
Gloria:
You sent Peter to break us out of prison?
Leif:
Hey, everyone’s doing their part today. Get ready, I’m testing out his jailbreak mode. Get it? Jailbreak mode?
We hear peter’s laser and the door swing open.
Gloria:
Hello, Peter.
We hear a cop down the hall.
Cop:
Hey, what the hell is that thing?
We hear peter fire his laser at the cop.
Cop:
OW! Holy shit!
Peter takes off running after the cop, firing his laser.
Cop:
Jesus Christ it’s a fucking killer robot!
David:
... Let’s go, I guess?
Back at the campaign headquarters.
Caspar:
Charlotte, do you just love every second of your job? It must be so exciting.
Charlotte:
Uh, yeah, it really is, I get to meet a lot of really great people, there’s always something to do—um, where is your camera man?
Leif:
Right here, Huell, just getting some b-roll.
Caspar:
There he is. Louis, do we have everything we need?
Leif:
We could use some shots of the campaign bus.
Caspar:
Charlotte, we would love to get to see that wonderful campaign bus of yours—it looks so luxurious.
Charlotte:
Um, yeah, sure.
Caspar:
I think that would just be a fascinating thing to see. Could you lead the way?
Charlotte:
Right this way.
Caspar:
(To Leif.) What are we doing?
Leif:
Stealing Mitt Romney’s campaign bus.
Caspar:
Sure.
We go back to the police precinct and it is pure chaos. Peter is in a laser/gun fight with the police.
Gloria:
Peter! I feel like this is not the best way to get us out of jail!
David:
Couldn’t we have looked for a back door or something!
Gloria:
Can we... EVERYBODY HOLD THEIR FIRE!
The shooting stops.
Gloria:
Okay... I’m coming out slowly... Hello officers... My name is Gloria and this is my robot, Peter. We’re not here to hurt anyone... though, I see that several of you have, in fact, been hurt. Sorry about that. There’s no need for any more shooting. We’re going to walk out the door and you’ll never see us again. I highly suggest nobody reach for their weapon.
Peter shoots a short laser beam at one of the police. The officer yelps in pain.
Gloria:
Officer. What did I just say?
David:
Let’s go!
Gloria:
Okay, thank you for your service, everyone. Also please go get another job!
Gloria and david run out the front door onto the street.
Gloria:
Head back to the diner!
Another mystery man drops drops down onto the street right in front of them.
Gloria:
Oh fuck.
The mystery man begins to charge his weapon. We suddenly hear honking. mitt romney’s campaign bus comes from out of nowhere, running over the mystery man. It’s a bit GRUESOME.
Gloria:
Whoa!
David:
Holy shit!
The campaign bus comes to a stop. The door opens.
Leif:
Three for three, baybee!
Gloria:
You stole Mitt Romney’s campaign bus?
Caspar:
Gloria, come on, it’s a Republican bus full of refugees. Drink in the irony.
David:
Let’s go!
David, gloria, and Peter climb aboard.
Gloria:
Okay, drive.
Leif pulls the bus away from the curb.
Gloria:
Holy shit. Hello, everyone. Is this all of them?
Caspar:
Not even close. This is twenty, we had over a hundred when they first climbed aboard the diner.
Gloria:
Do they speak English?
Caspar:
Most of them, yeah.
Gloria:
Okay. Everyone. Sit tight, we’re going to be at the diner in a few minutes, we’re going to get you out of here.
The refugees start applauding.
Gloria:
Everyone, please, hold your applause until after the performance. Guys, up here.
They huddle up at the front of the bus.
Gloria:
What the fuck is going on on this planet?
Leif:
No clue.
David:
It’s fucked up, whatever it is.
Caspar:
Anyone feel like we’re in a human zoo? Like they’ve done their best to fake our natural environment?
Leif:
It goes way beyond that. This isn’t a fake town that they use to condition people or something, this is a whole planet, orchestrated to look just like Earth specifically in 2012.
Caspar:
Are we sure the whole planet is like this?
Leif:
I think so. I had a look at global satellite data.
Gloria:
Why 2012?
Leif:
I don’t think that’s the question. I think the question is, whoever they are, how did they manage to do it?
Caspar:
Fuck if I know.
David:
All I know is that we’re leaving.
Caspar:
Leif there’s a couple of scared kids back here, can I show them Peter?
Leif:
Yeah, sure.
They spped down the street for a moment.
Gloria:
... Look at all these people walking down the street. They all just think this is Earth... and this isn’t a simulation?
Leif:
No, this is all real.
Gloria:
None of them could see Maloo... What are they doing to all these people?
Leif:
I don’t know, Gloria.
Gloria:
... Stop here.
Leif:
At the Starbucks?
Gloria:
Stop here!
Leif:
Okay.
The bus comes to a halt.
Leif:
We’re in a stolen campaign bus. We just broke you out of jail. I don’t know how many more mystery men are out there.
Gloria:
Two minutes.
The bus door opens, Gloria crosses the street to the Starbucks and walks inside.
Fiona:
Hey there. You’re just in time, I was about to close up. What can I get you?
Gloria:
Just a black coffee.
Fiona:
Bless you. I had already started cleaning the espresso machine.
Gloria:
I figured. Big plans tonight?
Fiona:
My friends and I are going to a concert.
Gloria:
Fun.
Fiona:
Yeah. You know, I did something crazy today, I invited a random guy that walked into the shop.
Gloria:
Really?
Fiona:
Yeah, I don’t know what came over me, I never do stuff like that. He hasn’t texted me so, whatever. I’m kind of relieved, because if he did show up then I’d have to try and be attractive all night and I’m just not feeling it today.
Gloria:
I know what you mean.
Fiona:
Cream and sugar are over there.
Gloria:
Thanks... election year again, huh?
Fiona:
Yeah. Seems like it gets longer every year.
Gloria:
Yeah... was it happening last year?
Fiona:
What?
Gloria:
Election season, was it happening last year?
Fiona:
Um, yeah, seems like it.
Gloria:
... What about the yeah before that?
Fiona:
What?
Gloria:
The year before that, was it an election year then too?
Fiona:
I mean, like I said-
Gloria:
What about when you were in high school?
Fiona:
...
Gloria:
What’s your name?
Fiona:
... Fiona.
Gloria:
Fiona, has Mitt Romney always been running for president? For as long as you can remember?
Fiona:
...
Gloria:
Has it always been 2012?
Fiona:
...
Gloria:
...
Fiona:
(As if she’s trying to speak, but the words won’t come out.) I... I... I-
Gloria:
You know what? It’s alright. Thanks for the coffee, Fiona.
Fiona:
Oh... yeah... Yeah no problem.
Gloria:
Are you okay?
Fiona:
Yeah, I just got a really bad headache all of a sudden.
Gloria:
Try drinking some water. Whenever I get a headache it’s because I’m not drinking enough water.
Fiona:
Yeah, good idea.
Gloria:
Enjoy the concert.
Fiona:
Yeah, thanks...
Gloria walks out the door, crosses the street and gets into the bus.
Leif:
What’s up?
Gloria:
...
Leif:
Gloria?
Gloria:
... That thing you have that shocks people, do you have it on you?
Leif:
The secret handshake?
Gloria:
Yes.
Leif:
Yeah, I always have it on me.
Gloria:
...
Leif:
... Gloria?
Gloria:
Go get me the Barista.
Leif:
What?
Gloria:
Go get me the barista.
Leif:
... We’re taking hostages now?
Gloria:
Everyone on this planet is a hostage. Go get me the barista.
Leif:
Shit. Alright. Hardcore. Let’s do this.
The door to the bus opens and Leif exits. Caspar walks to the front.
Caspar:
Gloria, we need to get moving, what’s the holdup?
Gloria:
Get in the drivers seat, you’re driving back to the diner.
Caspar:
I don’t know how to drive this thing.
Gloria:
You don’t need to pass a driver’s test, get in the seat.
Caspar:
Okay.
Caspar gets in the driver’s seat.
Caspar:
... I could’ve been a bus driver, right? One of the nice ones, the one who chats you up on the way to work, right? Huge thermos of coffee, beat up copy of Breakfast of Champions.
Gloria:
Sure, Caspar.
Caspar:
... Is Leif taking coffee orders because I’m sitting here, nobody’s taken my order, a latte would be nice.
Gloria:
Shh.
Caspar:
... Gloria?
Gloria:
Don’t worry about it.
Caspar:
Why is Leif carrying an unconscious woman?
The bus door opens, Leif walks in carrying Fiona.
Leif:
Someone order a barista?
Gloria:
Caspar, drive!
Caspar:
Holy shit.
The bus speeds away. Later at the diner. Leif keeps watch on the roof. Gloria exits into the parking lot.
Gloria:
Anything, Leif?
Leif:
All’s quiet. I’m assuming the three we met were the ones in charge of the refugees. Definitely more on the way though. That one that Peter lazered was about where you’re standing. I guess the body got teleported away. Really wanted a look at that tech.
Gloria:
Any way you can see them coming?
Leif:
I don’t know. That’s a tough one. These guys are lightyears ahead of the Teds. I don’t even know how their tech works yet, I just know what it does. How are things down there?
Gloria:
We’re getting the refugees situated. I think they’re going to be pretty on edge until we take off, which is when?
Leif:
Just a few minutes.
Gloria:
The diner’s going to take us to all the refugees.
Leif:
I think you’re right.
Gloria:
We’re getting them all, Leif.
Leif:
I know... And what about the unconscious barista in the walk-in?
Gloria:
I’m working on it.
Leif:
Okay.
Gloria walks inside. Caspar is talking to the refugees.
Caspar:
... Regardless, it’s great to see all your faces again. Brings back a lot of memories... I’m sorry we couldn’t save Maloo. She was just trying to find a way out to get help... The rest of her family isn’t here, I see. But we’re...
Gloria:
We’re going to find them. We’re going to find all of them.
Caspar:
Everyone, this is Gloria. She runs the place now. I think you all probably remember what a bad job I was doing of running the place, I was glad when she showed up.
Gloria:
Hi, everyone. We’re going to get underway any minute now. We’ve got plenty of room, so spread out, grab a booth—just not that one over there. These next few days are going to be tough, but I imagine you’re used that by now... Everyone here understands what it’s like to not have a place in the world. So, while you’re here, it may not be home, but it’ll be the next best thing until we get you where you need to go. Until then, the good news is that Caspar’s not going to be cooking anymore.
The group of refugees laughs a little.
Gloria:
Right? You remember how it was. Lots of white bread and bologna with mayonnaise, right? Okay, everyone get comfortable, it’s enchilada time.
Caspar walks out into the parking lot.
Caspar:
Hey.
David:
Hey.
Caspar:
You doing okay?
David:
Yeah...
Caspar:
...
David:
... I cannot believe you rolled out that goddamn Huell Howser impression.
Caspar:
Hey, Huell’s gotten us out of a lot of jams, David. I stand by it. There’s something about his personality, you just want to let him in... You know who else has come in handy a couple of times?
David:
... No.
Caspar:
Oh, yes.
David:
Julius Bohannon.
Caspar:
Of the the Shreveport Bohannons.
David:
No.
Caspar:
Some have called me a ne’er do well riverboat gambler but I stand before my creator to say that I am but a simple country lawyer.
David:
Leif can make laser robots, Gloria runs the kitchen, Ava’s a genius and then...
Caspar:
And then... It’s funny, all of the useless shit that I was was able to do on Earth, those stupid things that had no purpose whatsoever, they all eventually come in handy out here. So there’s that...
David:
...
Caspar:
... I’m sorry about Maloo.
David:
... Did you know her?
Caspar:
No, not really. I just recognized her voice because she was always yelling at her little brother. Her little brother would always take salt and pepper shakers and ketchup bottles and napkin holders and make a model of the house he was going to live in when they got to their planet...
David:
She talked about you like you were their savior.
Caspar:
David, this place means a lot to a lot of people but I never meant for it to mean anything to anybody. I was just trying to stay alive. I went from processing people’s application for a license plate for their boat... to this. I never feel good enough for it. I never feel like it was supposed to be me.
David:
I know you’re mad that I snuck aboard.
Caspar:
David, there is a very strong part of me that wants you to wrap yourself in bubble wrap and be a librarian, of course I’m mad... But I’m glad you’re here... I’m glad you chose to be here. I’m glad you’re the kind of person who makes choices. I’m glad that you’re bold about it. I also hate every single bit of it... Okay?
David:
Okay... Why did we steal a barista?
Caspar:
Yeah... yeah, I don’t think Gloria even knows yet. In situations like this she acts a little impulsively. Like the last time we went to war with an intergalactic empire. I would love to say that hostages are a new thing but, there was this guy Ted one time... I’ll tell you about it later- OW!
David:
What?
Ava:
(In Caspar’s head.) Hey Schmoopie. How’re you doing? Did I get captured by the bad guys in the off chance that I’d be able to talk directly into your head like this?... Maybe.
David:
What’s happening?
Caspar:
It’s Ava.
Ava:
Hope you guys haven’t been murdered! The bad guys tried to imprison us but guess who got Mucklewain’d? We have one of their ships now.
Teta:
(In Caspar’s head.) Hey, give me the phone... hey Caspar. Quick question, How’s being a gigantic douche working out for you?
Ava:
Anyway, we’ve got the diner signal up on the navigation thingee and we’re heading in your direction. Now, listen, I know that these few hours away from me have been very difficult for you, dummy, but don’t worry. Very soon now we can get back to our usual routine of me ignoring you and you bringing me things. Get excited! Okay, going through a wormhole, bye!
Leif:
Caspar, what’s going on?
Caspar:
Ava’s talking into my head now.
Leif:
Really?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Leif:
I bet you must love that.
Caspar:
Yeah. They found the sisters. They stole a ship and they’re meeting us at our next stop.
Leif:
Cool.
Caspar:
I gotta go tell Gloria.
Caspar walks inside.
Leif:
He does actually love that.
David:
Oh, I know.
Three of the mystery men suddenly teleport outside the parking lot.
David:
Leif!
Leif:
We’re okay! Five seconds!
David:
Are you sure?!
Leif:
Yeah!
David:
(To the mystery men.) ... Your move, Bitch.
There is a crack in the air and the diner is traveling.
Leif:
Nice.
David:
This is a good job.
Leif:
Right?
The end.