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Midnight Burger
Chapter 2: Planet Straightforward.
SOng: White House Blues by charlie poole and the north carolina ramblers
Gloria:
Hey, Effie, isn’t that more secular music? I thought you only did that on special occasions?
Effie:
Funny you should ask that, Gloria. It stems from a fascinating conversation between my husband and I.
Zebulon:
The crux of it being, if The Lord is master of all creation from whom all springs, is there any music that cannot praise his name?
Effie:
In the end, there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love.
Gloria:
Cool, let me tell you about a guy named David Bowie some time, then.
Caspar:
Okay, guys, huddle up, what do we think of the new girl?
Leif:
I think she’s great, she says my name right.
Ava:
What are you talking about?
Caspar:
We don’t say your name right?
Leif:
She says “Laef”.
Caspar:
That’s what we’re saying.
Ava:
That’s how we pronounce it.
Caspar:
Leef.
Leif:
Laef.
Caspar:
That’s what I’m saying.
Ava:
That’s what he just said.
Leif:
Laef.
Ava:
Leef. I’m saying it right.
Caspar:
We’re both saying it right.
Leif:
You’re not. Gloria, how do you pronounce my name?
Gloria:
I say Laef but you guys say Leef. Am I saying it wrong?
Caspar:
I heard the same word twice, is that what you heard?
Ava:
Yeah, I think they’re both having a stroke.
Leif:
Maybe you’re both having a stroke.
Ava:
I can’t have a stroke, I’m too powerful.
Caspar:
Hey, Gloria, what are you doing?
Gloria:
Side work.
Caspar:
What is side work?
Gloria:
Side work. Y’know before a shift starts you fill up the sugars, marry the Ketchup bottles, wipe down the tables.
Caspar:
Oh, well, look at us.
Ava:
Fancy.
Caspar:
I don’t know about you but I’m going to drape a white linen over my arm.
Leif:
Gonna go back in the kitchen, make some duck a l'orange.
Ava:
I’m going to put on some high heels and order some Clams Casino.
Zebulon:
I, for one, enjoy the air of finery that Gloria brings to our humble establishment. Honey, I think I’ll put on my good overalls.
Effie:
And I’ll put on my one dress that’s been in my family for a generation and has seen more funerals than an undertaker.
Gloria:
Is this a hazing? You’re making fun of the new girl?
Caspar:
I’m not sure, we’ve never had a new girl before.
Gloria:
Hey, what am I looking at outside the window? It’s incredible.
Ava:
That’s the curvature of space. We’re skirting around the outside of a spatial plane before settling down at a particular location.
Caspar:
Leif and I call that the “Back of the Serpent”.
Ava:
Because they are apparently Norse and 2000 years old.
Zebulon:
My brothers and sisters, we should prepare. I can feel the fibers of creation beginning to settle into place. Our arrival is imminent.
Caspar:
Alright, well I hope everyone’s finished their side work.
Gloria:
Ha ha.
Zebulon:
Effie, what are you feeling in your bones about our new destination?
Effie:
The lord whispers to me of a dense and wondrous land of forests and streams, teeming with life.
Gloria:
That sounds nice.
Effie:
Also something about teeth.
Gloria:
That sounds... sharp.
Zebulon:
To hasten our arrival, let’s hear from the Smith’s Sacred Singers shall we?
song: Smiths Sacred Singers, Life’s Railway to heaven
Caspar:
Okay, you ready for you first shift?
Gloria:
Pretty sure there’s no way I could be ready for this.
Caspar:
That’s the spirit.
Gloria:
How does this usually work?
Caspar:
It’s like any diner. We open the door at six. Then, unlike any diner, once we open we’ll be in one of two situations: Either A) Somone needs to come in and have a seat or B) Something tries to violently kill us.
Gloria:
There’s no third option?
Caspar:
Yes, sometimes it’s both.
Leif:
I’m going to heat up the grill.
Ava:
I’m going to sit at my booth and do nothing at all.
Caspar:
Okay, here we go.
Sfx: Their new reality comes into focus. I promise that makes some sort of sound.
Gloria:
Wow, Effie was right, it’s a forest.
Caspar:
Doesn’t look too threatening. Let’s open up.
Sfx: Door unlocking. Door opening. Sound of the diner fades into the background. SOund of the forest.
Gloria:
It’s really beautiful.
Caspar:
This is looking like more of an “A” situation, so that’s good.
Gloria:
Ow. Hey I tripped on something, hang on.
Sfx: Rummaging through the dirt.
Caspar:
What is it?
Gloria:
It’s a... whoa. Look at that.
Caspar:
Is that a bone?
Gloria:
Oof. It’s heavy. It looks like a jawbone.
Caspar:
Look at the teeth on it.
Gloria:
Effie was right about those too.
Sfx: low growl from the tree line.
Caspar:
Was that your stomach?
Gloria:
I was hoping it was yours.
Caspar:
Any chance we both just imagined that at the same time?
Gloria:
I’m beginning to feel this is not an “A” situation.
Sfx: hungry roar
Caspar:
It’s B. It’s B. Back inside it’s B! B B B B B B!
SFX: door opening. Door locking.
Caspar:
It’s B! B situation.
Ava:
Oh great. What is it?
Gloria:
We didn’t see it, we heard it.
Ava:
Why do you have a huge bone in your hand?
Gloria:
I forgot to drop it!
Leif:
What’s up?
Caspar:
There’s something out there.
Leif:
What is it? Cool bone.
Caspar:
We heard something.
Leif:
What’d you hear?
Sfx: louder roar. It echoes through the forest.
Leif:
Oh yeah. B situation. Is the door locked?
Caspar:
It’s locked.
Leif:
It sounds massive.
Ava:
Maybe we’re on Planet Irony and the creature is actually quite small.
Sfx: huge footsteps lurking outside
Caspar:
Does that sound like Irony to you?
Ava:
Okay, I guess we’re on Planet Straightforward then.
Caspar:
Can anyone see anything?
Gloria:
It’s too dark.
Caspar:
Is the sign on?
Leif:
No.
Caspar:
Leif, first of all we had a whole conversation about how we need to turn the sign on when we open, secondly, turn the sign on please.
Leif:
Okay, okay.
Caspar:
Please don’t be terrifying, please don’t be terrifying.
Leif:
Sign coming on.
Sfx: Buzz of neon lights.
Caspar:
Holy shit.
Gloria:
Really big monster.
Ava:
Zero irony.
Leif:
Oh, that’s a big boy.
Caspar:
Look at it’s teeth.
Ava:
Look at Gloria’s teeth.
Gloria:
What?
Ava:
The huge jaw bone you’re holding in your hands? Look at the teeth.
Gloria:
Oh my God!
Sfx: Jawbone dropping to the floor.
Gloria:
It’s the same teeth.
Ava:
I sincerely hope that’s the bones of one of his enemies and not an old pal of his.
Leif:
It’s like someone put a shark’s head on top of a 12 foot emaciated corpse.
Ava:
Not a darwinian masterpiece for sure.
Sfx: Huge roar
Leif:
Oh. It’s looking right at me.
Gloria:
Is it going to be able to get in here?
Caspar:
Well there was that one time we were literally inside a Red Dwarf so I’m assuming one creature HERE IT COMES!
Sfx: the creature rams the door over and over again.
Caspar:
Okay. Okay the door’s holding.
Ava:
Anyone else think it’s weird that it’s bipedal in a forest biome?
Caspar:
Read the room, Ava.
Sfx: footsteps
Leif:
It’s looking for another way in.
Gloria:
Is there one?
Leif:
I don’t think so.
Caspar:
Unless you forgot to lock the back door again.
Leif:
Shit. Hang on.
Sfx: Back door locking.
Leif:
We’re good.
Sfx: Creature ramming the back door.
Leif:
Whoa! It’s back here now.
Gloria:
Any other place we forgot to lock? Is there a sun porch or something?
Leif:
No, we’re good.
Sfx: Footsteps outside.
Leif:
Wow, it really wants in here.
Caspar:
It’s fine. We’re in here, it’s out there. We’ll wait it out and in the morning we’ll be gone and it’ll be confused then go on with it’s day.
Leif:
Hmm.
Ava:
Yeah. Hmm.
Caspar:
Jesus. What?
Ava:
Nothing.
Leif:
Nothing.
Gloria:
What?
Leif:
It’s just...
Ava:
I mean...
Caspar:
I’m going to kill both of you, what is it?
Leif:
I know Ava was joking about it being Planet Staightforward but I mean...
Ava:
It’s really straightforward.
Leif:
A creature outside trying to get in? That’s it?
Ava:
No spatial distortion, no dimensional rift?
Leif:
It’s very early-oughts horror movie. There’s a thing in the woods and it’s killing people and no one will belive you. That sort of thing.
Ava:
Starring Justin Long.
Leif:
Right, and like, Kate Bosworth.
Caspar:
Who cares?
Zebulon:
I believe what our compatriots are attempting to convey is that our current predicament on its face is the picture of simplicity.
Effie:
And perhaps if we sat with that simplicity for a moment, we would begin to observe complexities within complexities.
Zebulon:
The Mona Lisa is simply a picture of a nice lady. But look closer and there is a universe within.
Gloria:
So what? We’ve got to figure this out or something?
Leif:
Maybe it bears a closer look.
Ava:
Yeah, it’s too boring.
Caspar:
Guys, I would really like a night off.
Ava:
I know, but it’s too booooooring.
Caspar:
Wouldn’t a night off be nice, though?
Gloria:
But it’s my first night.
Caspar:
Ok. Let me counter offer. How about we NOT figure it out and instead Leif makes... Night Breakfast.
Ava:
Oooh. Night Breakfast.
Effie:
The temptation is strong. For Night Breakfast is forbidden.
Zebulon:
Truly food that is syrup-ed belongs in the day. And yet, from time to time, one finds oneself presented with a pile of waffles when the moon is high, a scoop of whipped butter melting atop them.
Gloria:
I’m not going to lie, that sounds straight-up erotic but maybe Leif’s right. Maybe we should figure out what the deal is with this horrific thing outside and THEN have Night Breakfast, as a reward.
Caspar:
Okay. Fine. But then after Night Breakfast we are playing a game of dice in the walk-in.
Ava:
You currently owe me 2800 dollars from dice in the walk in.
Caspar:
Yes but what if this time I’m in the zone?
Leif:
You’re never in the zone.
Gloria:
Guys, focus. I’m hungry now. Ava, do some science, what the deal with this thing?
Ava:
I don’t know, I’m not a Zoologist. You know what we called the Zoologists back in school? Poop-lookers. You want to know why?
Caspar:
Because they looked at a lot of poop?
Ava:
Because they looked at a lot of poop.
Gloria:
Why is everyone being goofy right now?
Caspar:
Because the situation was supposed to be either A: We have customers or B: Something tries to kill us. A: There are no customers, and B: The thing that’s trying to kill us very obviously can’t get in here to kill us. It’s like a snow day.
Leif:
Here, I’ll start it off. There’s a thing outside. It’s huge and ugly. It wants to get in here to eat us.
Ava:
That’s an assumption you’re making.
Leif:
I am making that assumption because it’s mouth is full of teeth and the size of a manhole cover. What else would you use that mouth for?
Ava:
We need an option for comparison. There’s a huge jawbone on the floor that obviously comes from one of the same species, maybe it wants that.
Gloria:
Why would it want that?
Ava:
It would have to be a known unknown - we know that we don’t know it but we know there’s something to know.
Caspar:
But applying Occam’s Razor, what’s the most logical reason why a monster whose mouth looks like it’s full of can-openers wants to get in here?
Ava:
True, but Occam’s razor can quite often be a refuge for bedwetters. Are you a bedwetter, Caspar? Because I have my suspicions.
Caspar:
Are all Physicists mean?
Ava:
Yes.
Gloria:
I don’t know who Occam is but I think you’re saying that the most likely thing has got to be true, but since we’re trying to, y’know, look deeper, maybe we shouldn’t go with the obvious thing.
Ava:
Agreed.
Caspar:
How long are we going to do this for? Can we have a time limit?
SFX: The creature howling and suddenly running off into the trees.
Leif:
Where’s it going? You think it lost interest?
Caspar:
Well I know I have.
Leif:
It is kind of hard to find the nuance here. I think it’s just a creature and this is Planet Straightforward.
Caspar:
That’s what I say. We don’t have to do a full investigation into this. It’s a big monster. Who cares? Sometimes a monster is just a monster.
Effie:
So true. You know who else said that, Husband?
Zebulon:
Who was that, Honey?
Effie:
The Trojans. “Oh, look, a beautiful wooden horse they have given us as a gift. Let’s not look into it too much.”
Zebulon:
“What could possibly go wrong?”
Ava:
You see that, you’re getting sassed by an old-timey radio now.
Caspar:
Do you want Night breakfast or not?
Ava:
You looking like a dummy is the real Night Breakfast.
Sfx: Another creature noise from the treeline. This one is very different.
Gloria:
What is that now?
Leif:
That doesn’t sound like our friend.
Ava:
A challenger appears.
Caspar:
Something’s coming through the trees.
Sfx: Something crashing through the trees and into the clearing.
Gloria:
Oh my God, he’s adorable.
Leif:
Look at that little guy.
Caspar:
Aww.
Ava:
Does it look more like a pig or more like a panda?
Gloria:
Look at his little belly.
Effie:
That does warm the heart, doesn’t it?
Zebulon:
Well he reminds me of my first sow, Pansy. Do you remember Pansy, Honey?
Effie:
Yes, I remember Pansy, dear.
Zebulon:
You remember Pansy used to do that little dance for me in the morning?
Effie:
Yes, dear.
Zebulon:
What more proof of the Lord’s countenance does one need when you set eyes on such creatures?
Gloria:
Aw, look at him, he’s rooting around for truffles or something.
Ava:
Um. Isn’t this bad?
Sfx: The roar of the first creature.
Gloria:
Oh, no.
Ava:
Yeah, it’s bad.
Sfx: The first creature approaching.
Leif:
Oh man, this is going to suck.
Caspar:
Why isn’t it running?
Ava:
Here it comes.
Caspar:
Why are cute things so dumb?!
Gloria:
Oh God, nobody look!
Sfx: Footsteps stop. Second Creature making more cute sounds.
Gloria:
Why isn’t anything happening? Who’s still looking?
Ava:
I’m still looking.
Caspar:
Of course you are.
Ava:
So the Murder-Creature is completely ignoring the Pig-Panda.
Leif:
What? What the hell?
Ava:
So this is either NOT the bloodthirsty creature that we think it is or it’s just incredibly bad at being a bloodthirsty creature.
Zebulon:
What a curious and fortuitous turn of events.
Caspar:
They’re both just standing there like they’re waiting for a bus or something.
Gloria:
Really glad I didn’t have to hear something get eaten.
Leif:
This puts a snag in our “Planet Straightforward” theory, doesn’t it?
Caspar:
Night Breakfast keeps getting further and further away.
Gloria:
So we’ve been saying that the ugly thing just wants to kill things and it’s now standing right next to a very easy-to-kill thing without any killing happening.
Ava:
To sum up.
Gloria:
Well... what the fuck?
Leif:
Right?
Gloria:
What do we do now?
Leif:
Maybe the Pig-Panda tastes bad? Like an evolutionary defense is that it’s just really bad to eat?
Ava:
Maybe. Maybe it smells?
Leif:
There we go. A defensive musk.
Gloria:
Wouldn’t we smell that though? If it’s that bad?
Leif:
What if we can’t smell it? What if it can only be smelled by the Murder Thing?
Caspar:
AND WHAT IF THEY GREW UP TOGETHER BY A LAKE AND SWORE A VOW THAT THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE FRIENDS NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED?!? WHO CARES?!? NIGHT. BREAKFAST. Can we be done now?
Gloria:
(Sighing) Okay. Fine.
Ava:
Fine.
Leif:
Okay.
Caspar:
Excellent. Before Night Breakfast, a quick game of dice in the walk-in.
Leif:
You’re literally the worst gambler in the Multiverse.
Caspar:
That may have been true in the past but NOW, I hope you two are rubbed in spices because I’m about to SMOKE Y’ALL. Here we go!
Sfx: Caspar, Leif and Ava playing dice in the walk-in
Effie:
Gloria? You’re lingering, Honey.
Gloria:
Yeah.
Zebulon:
What perturbs you?
Gloria:
I was thinking... One time, when I ran a restaurant, I buried a whole pig in the ground with hot coals for 36 hours and then used it to cater a wedding. It was delicious. And the pig that I used did not look half as delicious as the Pig-Panda outside. And it’s not getting eaten.
Effie:
You don’t have to explain to a couple of Arkasawyers the importance of a roasted pig, Gloria.
Zebulon:
Ahh. Sweet Pansy.
Gloria:
Whoa, you ATE Pansy.
Zebulon:
Well, I grew up on a pig farm outside of Bald Knob and on a pig farm the pigs are your friends until... until their solemn duty calls.
Gloria:
Yikes.
Zebulon:
Gloria, I’m afraid we have a confession to make.
Effie:
We can tell you the story of the ravenous creature outside.
Gloria:
You knew this whole time?
Effie:
The Lord had told us its story.
Gloria:
Why didn’t you say anything?
Effie:
Well, Caspar was running around in his pissy-pants.
Zebulon:
And we do so enjoy watching his knickers get very tightly twisted.
Effie:
We had every intention of telling you during Night Breakfast.
Gloria:
Okay. So what’s the story?
Zebulon:
The creature outside is not one of God’s creations. The creature has its own maker.
Gloria:
Someone made that thing?
Effie:
We know not who. It’s creator has long since passed into the beyond, leaving behind an entire race of creatures such as this.
Gloria:
Why were they made?
Zebulon:
You’d think to create creatures such as this one would have to have a sharpened purpose.
Effie:
And yet these creatures were only made because they could be made. A flight of fancy.
Gloria:
It doesn’t look happy.
Effie:
No. It is not. For this terrible creature has an even more terrible curse.
Zebulon:
The reason why our delightful Pig-Panda visitor has not been eaten, is because this creature only craves the flesh of its own kind.
Gloria:
Oh my God. They’re cannibals?
Effie:
Well, now a cannibal has a choice doesn’t he? This creature can eat nothing else.
Gloria:
It spends its life hunting down its own kind?
Effie:
Or being hunted, yes.
Zebulon:
To turn your own kind into your enemy. It is truly a sin.
Gloria:
The jawbone I found. It probably smelled it or something, that’s why it was trying to get in.
Effie:
That’s right, my dear.
Gloria:
What a horrible life it must have.
Zebulon:
It is a life without brotherhood or solidarity. A life of enmity. I would imagine, a life where one prays for an ending, but with no creator to pray to.
Gloria:
This is a type A situation.
Effie:
It is.
Gloria:
What can we possibly do? It must be in Hell.
Effie:
You cannot cure this creature’s ailments, Gloria.
Zebulon:
So the question that remains: What can you do?
Gloria:
“In the end, there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love.”
Effie:
Yes.
Sfx: footsteps to the door. Door unlocking. Door opening.
Sfx: creature’s footsteps approaching. Creature’s heavy breathing.
Gloria:
(Whispering) Can it maybe understand me?
Effie:
(Whispering) We think so.
Gloria:
It’s just a bone. That’s what you smelled. I’m sorry.
Sfx: creature grunts.
Gloria:
Can you... can you sit over there at that booth?
Sfx: creature grunts. Creature’s footsteps walking away.
Gloria:
(Whispering) Are you sure it’s not going to eat me?
Effie:
(Whispering) Yes, Sweetie.
Gloria:
Okay, then.
Sfx: coffee pouring. Slow footsteps. Coffee being placed on the table.
Gloria:
So this is coffee. I know it seems strange but... it’s nice. And it’s warm. And you can hold it in your hands for a while and pretend that the world is not a swirlling mess.
Sfx: creature grunts.
Caspar:
Okay, that went poorly for me but isn’t it great that there are dependable things in this world?
Ava:
Holy shit.
Leif:
Oh, damn.
Caspar:
What the fuck?
Gloria:
The three of you, shush.
Caspar:
The huge murder beast is having a coffee break.
Leif:
I wanted to mention that earlier, Gloria makes really good coffee.
Ava:
It’s true, she does.
Gloria:
Ava. These creatures were made by someone. They run around this planet only eating each other. They can’t eat anything else. How can that change?
Ava:
Hm. Assuming they have some way of reproducing, it’s a closed system so it’d be hard to change. They’re basically chasing each other in a never ending circle around the planet.
Gloria:
Zeb and Effie say they’ve been here a very long time.
Ava:
Okay, so they’re reproducing somehow, probably asexual.
Caspar:
Are you looking at some poop there, Ava?
Ava:
Shut up, I’ll look at poop if I want to look at poop.
Leif:
Y’know, over in the Gilesian system there was this one planet that just had microbes on it until a meteor hit it and now they have, like, five pretty good casinos.
Caspar:
The meteor brought casinos?
Ava:
The meteor spurred life to evolve, Bozo. That’s something. A watershed event. An unusual change. Something would have to insert itself into their continuum.
Gloria:
Something like... a good cup of coffee?
Ava:
Huh. I mean... sure. Why not?
Gloria:
Zebulon?
Zebulon:
Yes?
Gloria:
Maybe a nice song?
Zebulon:
That’s a wonderful sentiment, Gloria. Something to soothe the savage beast.
Song: Deep River by Paul Robeson
Gloria:
This is a good job.
The end