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Contents:
Midnight Burger
Type:
New Act
Chapter 12: Ted, Just Admit It.
Sfx: interior of a starship. Footsteps down a long hallway. A robot walks in the other direction.
Robot Soldier:
Good evening, Commander.
Ted:
Yeah, Hi.
Sfx: beeping.
Computer Voice:
Begin report.
Ted:
About to begin interrogation of asset. Suggested course of action?
Computer Voice:
Anticipate high levels of anxiety. Anxiety levels should produce desired outcome within 5 minutes.
Ted:
Okay, but what do I do?
Computer Voice:
Desired Mem-sim file not complete. Use of secondary file suggested.
Ted:
And then he’s just going to cough up the information?
Computer Voice:
Anxiety levels should produce desired outcome.
Ted:
Okay, if you say so.
Sfx: door sliding open and shut.
Ted:
Hello, Caspar.
Caspar:
…Hi.
Ted:
I’m sure you have a lot of questions, have you watched the orientation message yet?
Caspar:
…The what?
Sfx: beeping. Annoying music.
Voice:
Congratulations, you are are a prisoner of the Ted Empire, the premiere destination for all criminals in the Triad Galactic System. The first day of your incarcerated life begins now. Here in the Ted Empire, you can expect the same level of quality treatment you’ve come to expect from us.
Caspar:
The fuck is this?
Voice:
That’s right, the empire that brought you inter-system hyper-tubes, planetary security systems, and the Ted Entertainment Portal has now incarcerated you. To get started on this amazing journey, please submit to all necessary testing. Non-compliance with testing will result in a trip to deep-cold storage.
Ted:
Okay? We good?
Caspar:
We good?
Ted:
I need you to watch something for me.
Caspar:
Who the fuck are you?
Ted:
We’ll get to that. Watch this please.
Sfx: beeping.
Computer Voice:
Mem-sim, ready. Playing file.
Song:
Caspar:
Guys?
Sfx: record scratch.
Effie:
Caspar! Yes, hello. Good morning.
Caspar:
Hi.
Effie:
How are you?
Caspar:
I’m fine, I talked to you ten minutes ago.
Effie:
Oh course you did. Yes…
Caspar:
Where’s Zebulon?
Zebulon:
I am here. Hello. How have you been?
Caspar:
I just talked-… Were you just playing Jazz music?
Effie:
We were not.
Caspar:
Are you sure?
Effie:
Yes, I don’t know what you mean.
Caspar:
Okay.
Zebulon:
In fact I was just about to put on a bit of “Abide With Me”. Puts a lovely sheen on the morning, wouldn’t you agree, Dear?
Effie:
Yes, it’s very holy.
Zebulon:
Yes.
Sfx: Abide with me - Olive Klein.
Effie:
Caspar, would you like any of my feelings on our new destination?
Caspar:
I think I’m good. Looks like New Brunswick, New Jersey 2018. Not a lot of surprises in New Brunswick in 2018.
Leif:
Hey. Anybody at all?
Caspar:
No, it looks pretty dead.
Leif:
I’m working on a theory about New Jersey.
Caspar:
There are no theories about New Jersey.
Leif:
This is our third time here with no customers. Maybe we set down here when the diner wants to give us a day off.
Caspar:
Cruel for it to be in New Brunswick.
Leif:
Once is an occurrence, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern. This is the third time.
Caspar:
Does this have anything to do with you wanting the day off?
Leif:
It might.
Caspar:
Go ahead, I’m sure I can handle all the nothing that’s currently happening.
Leif:
Sweet.
Caspar:
Effie and Zebulon were listening to Jazz and they don’t want to admit it.
Effie:
Caspar!
Leif:
(From the kitchen) Busted.
Sfx: Door chime.
Caspar:
Lo and behold. Welcome to Midnight Burger, have a seat anywhere… Ma’am?
Ava:
What is this place?
Caspar:
I’m sorry?
Ava:
What is this place?
Caspar:
It’s Midnight Burger. It’s a diner.
Ava:
Okay…
Caspar:
Why don’t you have a seat at that booth?
Ava:
Sure.
Zebulon:
My friends, I wish to speak today on the power of our choices. Though not all be warriors, the Lord hath given us all a sword at birth. A sword to carry with us through our lives. Not for war, not for safety, but a sword that cleaves the path in front of you in twain. A instrument by which one can say “I choose this, and refuse the other”.
Effie:
One who is given this sword of choice may see themselves as an agent of destiny, carving out the world as we know it by choosing. Perhaps you cut away excess, perhaps you pierce the veil of ignorance, perhaps you strike down those that would use their sword against you.
Zebulon:
But at the end of a life of wielding this mighty sword, it may behoove one to ask “Who was it, gave me this sword? And was their will present within it?”
Caspar:
Coffee?
Ava:
Sure.
Caspar:
You live around here?
Ava:
Uh, no. I live in Ithaca.
Caspar:
What brings you to town?
Ava:
Not sure.
Caspar:
Okay.
Leif:
I’m off. Should be back in plenty of time, I’m not going far. Oh. Hello there.
Ava:
Hi.
Leif:
Welcome to Midnight Burger.
Ava:
Yeah, thanks.
Leif:
(Aside) Um, am I still good to-
Caspar:
(Aside) Yeah, go ahead. Does’t look like she’s going to turn into a lava beast or something.
Leif:
Ok, cool. I’m off to Princeton!
Caspar:
Have fun.
Ava:
Who do you know at Princeton?
Leif:
What?
Ava:
I have some friends who work there, who do you know at Princeton?
Leif:
Oh, uh, nobody, just y’know… A janitor.
Ava:
You know a janitor at Princeton?
Leif:
Buddy of mine, from high school.
Ava:
Ok.
Leif:
I’ll be back.
Caspar:
(Aside) Remember what happens if you’re not back, okay?
Leif:
(Aside) Don’t worry about it. If I get stuck in a spot, I’ve got a contingency plan.
Caspar:
(Aside) You do?
Leif:
Don’t worry about it. See you in a few hours.
Sfx: Door chime.
Ava:
Who was that?
Caspar:
That’s the cook.
Ava:
But then who’s going to make my food?
Caspar:
I will.
Ava:
You don’t seem like the cooking type.
Caspar:
I’m not, but I’ve heard that New Brunswick is famous for its incredibly low standards so, when in Rome. What can I get you?
Ava:
A BLT.
Caspar:
Coming right up.
Ava:
Hey, so, help me out with something.
Caspar:
(In the kitchen) What’s that?
Ava:
When I look you up on my phone, you’re not there.
Caspar:
Yeah, uh, that’s not surprising we just opened.
Ava:
Oh yeah?
Caspar:
Yeah, it’s not going well.
Ava:
My phone does say that something else is here?
Caspar:
… Oh yeah?
Ava:
Yes, Elmwood Cemetery.
Sfx: pan dropping in the kitchen.
Ava:
You okay in there?
Caspar:
Yeah. A cemetery huh?
Ava:
Yep.
Caspar:
Looks like your phone might not have the most recent data.
Ava:
Uh-huh. Hey, do me a favor. When my BLT is ready, bring it to me in the parking lot.
Caspar:
The parking lot?
Sfx: door chime.
Caspar:
Ma’am?
Caspar:
Guys. Are we in a cemetery right now?
Zebulon:
We seem to be.
Caspar:
I don’t understand, when I look out the window I just see a street.
Zebulon:
Yes, though to the left and to the right…
Caspar:
Effie, maybe you could’ve given me a heads up about this?
Effie:
The Lord told me of a quiet place of rest and I thought well…
Caspar:
Fucking hell, you guys.
Zebulon:
Our apologies.
Caspar:
She’s just standing out there in the parking lot waiting for me.
Zebulon:
She does appear to be oddly taking it in stride.
Caspar:
Yeah, okay. Fine. Fuck it. Here we go.
Sfx: Door chime. Sound of a nearby city street.
Caspar:
Well, damn. Would you look at that?
Ava:
We’re in a cemetery.
Caspar:
Yes, we are. Have you noticed that the presence of smart phones in our lives has greatly reduced our ability to bullshit with each other?
Ava:
You have a roadside diner in the middle of a cemetery.
Caspar:
You know, when you don’t pay attention to changing zoning laws, things can-
Ava:
You and your friend suffer from whisperers disease.
Caspar:
We suffer from what?
Ava:
Whisperers disease. When you whisper you think it takes away everyone else’s ability to hear… I’m glad to know you don’t think I’m going to turn into a lava beast.
Caspar:
Don’t take that personally.
Ava:
Your friend has a contingency plan in case he doesn’t make it back in time?
Caspar:
Crime in New Brunswick. The sun goes down, things get bad.
Ava:
I’m a theoretical physicist.
Caspar:
Congratulations.
Ava:
I would like to know how one of the particular equations in my head led me here.
Caspar:
Lead you here?
Ava:
How about you finish making me that BLT and we have a nice chat.
Caspar:
Okay.
Sfx: something powering down. The sound of the diner is replaced by the drone of a massive spaceship.
Caspar:
Why are you showing me my memories?
Ted:
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
Caspar:
Who the fuck are you and where the fuck am I?
Ted:
You’re on a starship. You’re a prisoner.
Caspar:
The prisoner part was clear. Who are you?
Ted:
You are currently under arrest by the Ted Empire for operating an unregistered vessel.
Caspar:
Seriously?
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
This is a traffic stop?
Ted:
I’m afraid it’s much more serious than that.
Caspar:
Since you kidnapped me, I certainly hope so.
Ted:
You haven’t been kidnapped, you’re being detained.
Caspar:
What’s the difference?
Ted:
…Honestly not much. What’s the last thing you remember?
Caspar:
We were floating in space. A big ship appeared. There were some storm troopers. I got shot with some sort of ray gun.
Ted:
It was a stun gun, you’ll be fine.
Caspar:
Okay. The Ted Empire?
Ted:
That’s correct.
Caspar:
Your planet is called Ted?
Ted:
That’s right.
Caspar:
And anyone from Ted is called a?
Ted:
Ted.
Caspar:
You’re the Teds.
Ted:
I understand that this is a very common name on Earth and that our name may sound very humorous to you, let me assure you we’ve heard all the jokes.
Caspar:
Oh, I bet I can find some new ones.
Ted:
Can you tell me the whereabouts of a Dr. Ava Maddox?
Caspar:
No.
Ted:
You’re not going to tell me?
Caspar:
I’m new to this but I’m guessing being held captive on a prison barge means that I shouldn’t give up any information.
Ted:
It’s not a prison barge it’s a military vessel.
Caspar:
And you say I’m here why?
Ted:
You’re under arrest for operating an unlicensed warp-capable vessel.
Caspar:
The diner?
Ted:
I know you call it that, but to us it’s a vessel.
Caspar:
It’s really not though.
Ted:
It’s capable of traveling temporally, dimensionally and spatially, is that correct?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Ted:
And how is that not a vessel?
Caspar:
Because there’s a neon sign outside that says “Eat”.
Ted:
Clear that up for me, why do you have a sign outside that says “Eat”?
Caspar:
To let people know we’re a diner and not a vessel.
Ted:
Are you reminding people to eat?
Caspar:
We’re letting people know what we do, for example there should be a neon sign outside this ship saying “Detaining people for bullshit nonsense.”
Ted:
I urge you to take this seriously.
Caspar:
Oh really, Ted? Are you urging me?
Ted:
Don’t call me Ted.
Caspar:
No, I’m calling you Ted, you’re Ted now. Why were you showing me one of my memories, Ted?
Ted:
We’ll get to that in a second. Do you know what happens to people who don’t comply with questioning?
Caspar:
According to the terrifying woman in that video they get put in deep-cold storage, I’m assuming that’s some sort of suspended animation?
Ted:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Well you’re threatening an Earthling with a nap, let me tell you how that’s going to go.
Ted:
Can you tell me what these are?
Sfx: thud of a large stack of notes on the table.
Caspar:
Are those Ava’s notes?
Ted:
These are the notes of Dr. Ava Maddox.
Caspar:
Why do you have them?
Ted:
We need to know where she is.
Caspar:
I would strongly advise against that.
Ted:
Why?
Caspar:
Because you took her notes, and they are the only thing she cares about in the multi-verse, which means that she’s marked your whole civilization for genocide. And if there’s anyone who can pull it off-
Ted:
According to our records she’s been aboard your vessel for some time and yet when we showed up, she was gone.
Caspar:
According to your records?
Ted:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Why do you have records on her?
Ted:
We have extensive records on you, her, Leif, the new girl Gloria, and whatever that talking box of yours is.
Caspar:
You do?
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
Why is that?
Ted:
It’s our mission.
Caspar:
It’s your mission to collect records on us?
Ted:
That’s part of our mission.
Caspar:
Oh, wait I know what this is.
Ted:
You do?
Caspar:
We ran into this robot a while back named Boofar. Boofar said that there were people out there looking for us, that our “vessel” was a kind of “white whale” that a lot of civilizations look for. A “white whale” is a-
Ted:
I know what a white whale is.
Caspar:
So is that what this is? You’re on some sort of science mission? You’re going to tag my ear?
Ted:
This isn’t a science mission it’s a military operation. We’re looking for Dr. Ava Maddox. You need to tell me where she is.
Caspar:
Uh… nope. No, I don’t.
Ted:
You seem unusually calm for someone who’s in so much danger.
Caspar:
This is actually the safest I’ve felt in a long time.
Ted:
I can turn you into an ice cube at the drop of a hat.
Caspar:
Well the jokes on you, because you’re not wearing a hat.
Ted:
Caspar, goddamnit-
Sfx: door sliding open.
Ted:
What is it?!
Robot Soldier:
We have detected a vessel.
Ted:
Good for you!
Robot Soldier:
Shall we set course to intercept?
Ted:
What were the orders I gave you an hour ago?
Robot Soldier:
Intercept all vessels in the quadrant.
Ted:
And we’re having this conversation why?
Robot Soldier:
…
Sfx: door sliding closed.
Caspar:
Lot of robots on board?
Ted:
It’s all robots on board.
Caspar:
You’re a robot?
Ted:
I’m… not me, I’m not a robot, everyone else is.
Caspar:
I see… You’re speaking English.
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
So was the lady in the video. Does everyone speak English on Ted, Ted?
Ted:
Everyone who serves aboard this ship is required to speak English.
Caspar:
You’re the only one who serves on this ship, Ted.
Ted:
I mean, if anyone else were to serve on this ship they would have to speak English.
Caspar:
Do you think about that a lot? Finally having someone else to talk to?
Ted:
I have someone to talk to right now and it sucks. So, no.
Caspar:
Speaking English, that’s a specific requirement.
Ted:
We have a specific mission.
Caspar:
What’s that?
Ted:
Right now it’s finding Dr. Ava Maddox.
Caspar:
Okay. When you were abducting me did you think to look for her between the cushions in the booths, because things get stuck down there.
Ted:
Can we-
Caspar:
Spare change, your favorite pen, an ambassador one time-
Ted:
I was hoping that this interrogation would go smoothly.
Caspar:
Well it’s good to have a dream.
Ted:
Did you think I was kidding about deep cold storage?
Caspar:
I think the problem there is, I have no idea what it is. Describe it to me, really paint a picture that will help me feel the fear you’re going for.
Ted:
We freeze you in a block of chemical ice where you will be semi-conscious, forever, until we decide to thaw you out.
Caspar:
Are meals provided?
Ted:
It’s suspended animation, there are no meals.
Caspar:
Okay, I have a clear picture now but, no, still not doing it for me.
Ted:
I see.
Caspar:
Being semi-conscious doesn’t sound so bad. Some people work their whole lives to get semi-conscious have you even met a Buddhist or an EDM artist?
Ted:
There are other things-
Caspar:
Yes, I’m sure there are other things you can do to me, I’m sure you have a pain stick or something.
Ted:
No, but we can make one.
Caspar:
OR, how about you share some information with me. Maybe it’ll put me in a sharing mood. Make that Stockholm Syndrome kick in. Stockholm Syndrome is a-
Ted:
I know what Stockholm Syndrome is.
Caspar:
Okay. Hey. Start there. You’re an alien from another planet, where’d you get all your Earth knowledge from?
Ted:
It’s my job, I’m an Earth Expert.
Caspar:
An Earth Expert? That sounds like a terrible job.
Ted:
It is.
Caspar:
And how did this become your chosen profession?
Ted:
We don’t choose professions on Ted, we’re assigned professions according to our skill set.
Caspar:
How inspiring. What was the skill that got you this job?
Ted:
A high tolerance for idiocy.
Caspar:
Yeah, you’d definitely need some of that studying Earth. I mean, World War I alone.
Ted:
Actually my favorite is the Bucket War.
Caspar:
The what?
Ted:
In Italy. Two provinces, Modena and Bologna. Modena stole the bucket from the well in Bologna. So they went to war. Two thousand people died.
Caspar:
Wow. You know, I know that sounds ridiculous but when you find a REALLY good bucket-
Ted:
My favorite part is that, to this day, you can still go to Modena and see the bucket displayed as a point of pride. Two-thousand people dead, over a bucket, and they’re bragging about it. That’s what it’s like studying Earth.
Caspar:
You don’t seem too happy with your career placement.
Ted:
It’s better than the alternative.
Caspar:
Doesn’t sound like there is an alternative.
Ted:
Earth, for example. When a child is born on Earth you tell them “When you grow up, you can be anything you want to be.” You don’t tell them that, along with that statement, comes a gigantic obligation to actually be something. So they go out into the world to “be something” and realize that there are multiple barriers standing in the way of them “being” anything at all. And then they beat their head against the wall for a while and finally end up settling for whatever the status quo demands they do. And when they finally do give up, because they were told “you can be whatever you want to be”, it’s then their fault that they didn’t end up being anything. I’ll take my system over yours.
Caspar:
That’s pretty dark, Ted.
Ted:
But the music’s nice on Earth.
Caspar:
That’s true.
Ted:
Some of it.
Caspar:
That’s… true.
Ted:
So, there. I gave you some information, can we get back to the matter at hand?
Caspar:
And what was that again?
Ted:
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
Caspar:
Right. That. The memory you showed me, that’s pretty fancy technology.
Ted:
It’s called a Mem-Sim. We can re-enact most memories.
Caspar:
Mem-Sim? Are we sure about that name?
Ted:
I don’t know, I’m not a naming expert, I’m an Earth expert.
Caspar:
Well why didn’t you just use this unfortunately named technology to get the information out of my head?
Ted:
We’re working on it. The simulations take a while to put together. In the meantime I thought I’d come in here and try and cut to the chase rather than wait.
Caspar:
I see. So the information you want from me, you’re going to get it anyway, but you want to get it faster?
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
Because it’d be more convenient for you.
Ted:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Well, I’m sure I’m going to be very helpful, then.
Ted:
Deep-cold storage, Caspar.
Caspar:
Why did you show me that memory? That was her first day at the diner, why show me that?
Ted:
Why do you think?
Caspar:
Oh, is it quiz time?
Ted:
Sure.
Caspar:
Okay um… um um um um… oh! She found the diner.
Ted:
Using a mathematical equation, she found your vessel. We would like to know that equation.
Caspar:
Her notes aren’t enough?
Ted:
No.
Caspar:
Huh… How fast does this ship go?
Ted:
Caspar.
Caspar:
Just curious.
Ted:
It doesn’t matter how fast it goes.
Caspar:
But it matters to me, Ted. I’m trying to make a point.
Ted:
Like most ships in The Triad we travel mostly through tubes.
Caspar:
Tubes?
Ted:
Warp tubes. They’re set up throughout the three systems. You fly through a tube it sends you from one place to another through spatial distortion. Like a highway.
Caspar:
And you said “The Triad”?
Ted:
Playing dumb isn’t going to get you anywhere, Caspar.
Caspar:
I don’t know what The Triad is.
Ted:
It’s my understanding you’ve been aboard your vessel for quite some time, you have no idea what The Triad is?
Caspar:
I may zip all around the cosmos but ironically I don’t get out much.
Ted:
Three galaxies. The Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum. They’re all connected through a series of several thousand warp tubes.
Caspar:
Like a highway.
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
And who built this highway?
Ted:
We did.
Caspar:
Aha. So if anyone in these three galaxies wants to go anywhere, they have to talk to you?
Ted:
That’s right.
Caspar:
I imagine that gives the Ted Empire quite a lot of power.
Ted:
It does.
Caspar:
And it must be very frustrating for you when you encounter something that can travel without using one of your tubes.
Ted:
…Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
Caspar:
Y’know, it’s funny. You’re an advanced civilization with deep-cold storage and spaceships and Mem-sims and intergalactic highways and you are desperate to find a scientist from a planet who’s greatest technological achievement is a phone with a camera on it. That’s odd, isn’t it?
Ted:
Okay… we’re done for for now, please enjoy several hours of Ted Empire propaganda.
Caspar:
Is there popcorn?
Sfx: door slides open and closed. Annoying music plays again.
Voice:
The Ted Empire, we’re not just the empire that carries your friends and family across The three galaxies, we’re also the empire that keeps your planet safe when you’ve finally come home with our new and improved orbital plasma cannons…
Sfx: beeping.
Computer Voice:
Begin report.
Ted:
About to begin second interrogation session. Remember when you said heightened anxiety levels would produce the desired outcome? That was fun.
Computer Voice:
Please reduce sarcasm levels.
Ted:
What are your suggestions?
Computer Voice:
Psychological profile suggests using a forceful tone.
Ted:
A forceful tone? I threatened to freeze him in a block of chemical ice, but a forceful tone is going to do it?
Computer Voice:
According to psychological profile.
Ted:
Is this the same psychological profile that said this would be over in five minutes?
Computer Voice:
Daily sarcasm allowance exceeded.
Ted:
Oh, to hell with it. Fine. Forceful tone.
Sfx: voice fades back in again as well as the sound of Caspar snoring.
Voice:
… And soon, when the Billius sector Dyson Sphere is complete, we’ll be able to construct a next generation Ubertube™ that will be able to send your starships to several luxurious and highly profitable sectors in ports outside The Triad-
Sfx: door slides open and closed.
Ted:
Rise and shine.
Caspar:
Heeeeeeey!
Ted:
I’m impressed, we design our propaganda so no one can sleep through it.
Caspar:
I do live to impress you, Ted.
Ted:
Would you like some coffee?
Caspar:
Yeah, I’d love some.
Ted:
Good, we don’t have any.
Caspar:
Well played.
Ted:
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
Sfx: Ava’s notes thump down on the table.
Caspar:
You keep bringing her notes in here, I know you have them, you don’t have to keep bringing them in here.
Ted:
Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind. Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
Caspar:
You don’t have to keep saying her full name, I’m pretty sure I know who you’re talking about.
Ted:
Caspar, where is she, goddamnit!
Caspar:
Why is there yelling now?
Ted:
I made this as easy as I could, now it’s time for yelling!
Caspar:
Okay, then!
Ted:
You want to be our prisoner forever!
Caspar:
I don’t know! What are your prisons like!
Ted:
A block of ice!
Caspar:
I feel like we’ve gone over this before!
Ted:
We have!
Caspar:
Okay!
Ted:
… Fuck this.
Caspar:
… Did you try to come in here guns blazing? Is that what happened, Ted?
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
Your heart wasn’t in it.
Ted:
I know.
Caspar:
A for effort, though.
Ted:
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
Caspar:
Baja California.
Ted:
No, she’s not.
Caspar:
No, she’s not.
Ted:
I know I can get this information from you.
Caspar:
Well, while you’re changing tactics, I’ve been watching your propaganda for several hours, would you like my thoughts?
Ted:
No.
Caspar:
Here are my thoughts. You guys suck. You have your finger in every pie in three galaxies. Transportation, planetary security, banking, agriculture. You guys control all of it.
Ted:
We don’t control anything, we sell very effective products.
Caspar:
Lot of choice in the marketplace, a lot of healthy competition?
Ted:
No, but that’s not our fault.
Caspar:
So, I’m trying to figure out where I fit in to all this, I mean, I’m just a guy. Then I realized, if I controlled everything it would really piss me off if there was suddenly something that I couldn’t control. Like say a diner that can traverse space, time, and dimension.
Ted:
Look at you, you figured it all out.
Caspar:
And this whole ship, your job is to be the Midnight Burger-hunter.
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
Which is why everyone speaks English.
Ted:
Yes, because for some reason the most powerful artifact in existence is completely populated with residents of the most back-water dumbshit-factory in the universe! Fucking Earthlings.
Caspar:
So you’re trying to track down the diner because what? It’s embarrassing?
Ted:
Yes! It’s incredibly embarrassing! You know what we have to do to make one warp gate? We have to harness the power of an entire star. We black out an entire solar system just so we can go a few million light-years. And then YOU assholes go shooting through the system without harnessing anything, doing good deeds, asking people if they’d like to hear the specials!
Caspar:
Where’s the harm in that?
Ted:
Because you make people imagine something better. And that’s bad business for us. So they commissioned this ship to hunt down Midnight Burger, harness its power and if we can’t do that, destroy it!
Caspar:
Wow. An entire empire of hall monitors.
Ted:
Just tell me where she is, Caspar.
Caspar:
Ted. No.
Ted:
Caspar, look. I want to keep your people safe. If you work with me, I can assure that happens.
Caspar:
Safe from what? Not being found?
Sfx: beeping.
Ted:
Do you see this image?
Caspar:
It looks like wind chimes.
Ted:
It’s- I know it looks like wind chimes, it’s not wind chimes.
Caspar:
I mean it REALLY looks like wind chimes-
Ted:
It’s a space station. It just went on line. It’s emanating a field. Brand new technology. As long as this station is emanating its field, the diner is going to be trapped in our territory. It’s only a matter of time before it’s ours.
Caspar:
In your territory?
Ted:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Which is three galaxies?
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
And how many trillions of light years is that?
Ted:
…It’s a lot.
Caspar:
It’s a whole lot.
Ted:
You have to admit, it’s less that’s what it was, though.
Caspar:
So your master plan that spells out imminent doom is that you’ve gone from have no chance of finding us to having what? A .0001% chance of finding us?
Ted:
I hate my job.
Caspar:
Of course you do, Ted. According to you, you’ve been doing it since the day you were born.
Sfx: beeping.
Computer Voice:
Coffee.
Sfx: coffee pouring. Cup being set on table.
Caspar:
Thanks.
Ted:
It tastes terrible apparently, we don’t know how to make it.
Caspar:
Thanks?
Ted:
You’re not acting in accordance with your psychological profile.
Caspar:
I’m noticing that.
Ted:
We thought you’d be wracked with anxiety if you were away from your vessel.
Caspar:
It’s a diner.
Ted:
What’s going on?
Caspar:
I don’t know. Is it possible there’s something comforting about being a prisoner?
Ted:
At first, maybe.
Caspar:
Look, Ted, I know you’re upset, but it’s like you said, your stupidly-named device-
Ted:
Mem-sim.
Caspar:
Right, that one. Any second now it’ll suck the memory out of my head and I’ll be useless to you.
Ted:
We’re having problems with your brain.
Caspar:
Preach, sister.
Ted:
They’re saying it’s because of all the time travel. It’s effected your brain. The older memories are easy to get to but not the newer ones.
Caspar:
Sounds like that’s giving me all sorts of tumors. That’ll be fun one day.
Ted:
So until they figure it out the only choice-
Caspar:
I’m not going to tell you-
Ted:
I know. I know alright? Enough already.
Caspar:
Oof, Ted your coffee’s terrible. Pull up a chair, let’s talk. I’ll talk about anything you want to talk about except for the thing you want to talk about. C’mon, you’ve been chasing the diner around for God knows how long, you’ve got to have questions. Have some terrible coffee.
Ted:
Coffee’s poisonous to a Ted.
Caspar:
It shows.
Ted:
I have a question.
Caspar:
Here we go.
Ted:
Babba Yaga’s Hut.
Caspar:
What?
Ted:
According to my records you made several stops in Eastern Europe, 15th and 16th century?
Caspar:
Oh right. We spent some time there.
Ted:
Doing what?
Caspar:
There were a lot of Jews fleeing the Spanish Inquisition at the time, we gave them coffee and food on their way.
Ted:
That didn’t seem strange to them?
Caspar:
Well, no one was really drinking coffee in Europe at the time so yeah, it was a little strange.
Ted:
I mean for 15th century jews to see a diner along the road.
Caspar:
Yeah, it was strange. So they called it Babba Yaga’s hut. It’s an old folktale. There’s this old witch, she has this hut with giant chicken legs and it can magically take you wherever you want.
Ted:
So they looked at your diner and saw a hut with chicken legs.
Caspar:
Yeah, I guess. They saw what they needed to see.
Ted:
So my question is, how do you know you’re not doing the same thing? How do you know you’re not seeing a diner because that’s what you need to see?
Caspar:
I don’t know, Ted. You’ve been forced from birth to study a planet you hate and you insist that that’s a good thing. How do you know you’re not seeing what you want to see? Travel around the cosmos enough and the most common thing that you’ll see is someone looking at something they can’t explain and seeing something they need to see. So yeah, it’s possible, my question is: what difference does it make?
Ted:
How do you do that? How do you just swim in ambiguity like that? Flying around in a magical diner and you never stop for a second and say “Hey, what the fuck?” You just shrug your shoulders?
Caspar:
Doesn’t every line of questioning eventually lead to shrugging your shoulders. Issac Newton is like “Guys, check it out, gravity.” And everyone’s like “Cool, why’s it there?” Shrug.
Ted:
I think we’ve figured out that particular shrug.
Caspar:
But then there’s another shrug after that, and another shrug and another shrug and another shrug. Turtles all the way down. “Turtles all the way down.” What’s the reference? C’mon, Earth expert.
Ted:
Uh, the Regress Argument in Epistemology.
Caspar:
Boom. You would crush on Jeopardy.
Ted:
My people don’t like the regress argument.
Caspar:
Oh, you mean the argument that says you can never really know anything? That’s because you come from a planet of smartypants knowitalls. Look at you out here. You’re trying to chase down this thing you can’t explain, when you catch it you’re going to try and explain it and if you can’t you’re going to what?
Ted:
Destroy it.
Caspar:
Blow it up, Ted. That’s hilarious. “I can’t explain this thing, so I must destroy it.” Are you sure you’re not human?
Ted:
It says in your file you worked at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Caspar:
Yeah, that’s right.
Ted:
What did you do there?
Caspar:
Y’know, you take a number and come up to the counter. I was that guy.
Ted:
Not a high skilled job.
Caspar:
I don’t know. You’ve got to know what you’re doing.
Ted:
It’s not the kind of job where you would encounter the Regress Argument.
Caspar:
No. But there was a lot of shrugging. “How’re you going to pay that fine?” Shrug. I guess I picked it up somewhere on the diner.
Ted:
How long have you been there?
Caspar:
I don’t remember. I walked in the door one day, turned on the radio and it was all a blur until Leif showed up. Other people made me notice the time. Little did I know you were out there the entire time trying to track us down in your Mystery Machine …Hey, wait a minute. You were there. You found us. You kidnapped me, you took Ava’s notes, why’d you leave? The goal was to catch us, right?
Ted:
Leif.
Caspar:
Leif?
Ted:
We have a bit of history with Leif. He was anticipating us.
Caspar:
Anticipating you how?
Ted:
He had a Purple Nullifier.
Caspar:
What kind of Willy Wonka candy is that?
Ted:
It’s a bomb. A very dangerous one.
Caspar:
Leif had a fucking bomb in the diner? Get the fuck out of here, Leif would never do that.
Ted:
Let me show you one of my memories.
Sfx: Keypad beeping.
Computer Voice:
Mem-sim ready.
Ted:
Roll 212.
Sfx: Mem-Sim powering up.
Robot Soldier:
Please remain calm, no sudden movements.
Sfx: Robots moving into the diner.
Leif:
You fucking people? Are you kidding me?!
Ted:
Leif, I need you to remain calm! We’re not here to hurt anyone!
Leif:
Does that include the one you just put on the ground?!
Gloria:
What did they do to Caspar?
Effie:
What is the meaning of these Jack-Boots!
Zebulon:
Such wanton violence has no place here!
Ted:
Caspar’s going to be fine. Nobody needs to get hurt. Leif, I need you to lead your people out of this diner peacefully-
Leif:
I have a Purple Nullifier.
Ted:
… Leif, stop fucking around.
Leif:
I’ve got my hand on the switch right now.
Ted:
Bullshit.
Leif:
Fine.
Sfx: sound of the purple Nullifier.
Robot Soldier:
Purple Nullifier identified.
Gloria:
Leif, what is that?
Ted:
Leif, stay calm. You use that and you kill all your friends.
Gloria:
Uh, WHAT?! Leif!
Leif:
I know that. But I also know that Teds follow the rules. And what are the rules for a Purple Nullifier?
Ted:
…
Leif:
Come on…
Ted:
Make concessions and fall back.
Leif:
Exactly. So get going.
Gloria:
I don’t remember going over bombs at the STAFF MEETING!
Leif:
Trust me.
Ted:
… Leif.
Leif:
You think I wasn’t expecting you at some point?
Robot Soldier:
There is no sign of the doctor.
Ted:
Fucking goddamnit, Leif.
Leif:
Get out. Now.
Gloria :
…yeah. Get out. He’s not afraid to use whatever that thing is. You think we aren’t afraid to meet our maker, we hang out with a pastor all day.
Zebulon:
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for thou art with me.
Effie:
I’d be might interested to see what Saint Peter has to say about you all. Let’s head up and see him.
Ted:
You people are fucking crazy… Fall back. Grab Caspar and grab the notes. This isn’t over, Leif.
Leif:
It absolutely isn’t over.
Sfx: Mem-sim powering down.
Caspar:
Fucking asshole. He had a fucking bomb in the diner.
Ted:
It’s not just a bomb. When a Purple Nullifier is activated it turns everything in a 500 meter radius into purple goo. Hence the name.
Caspar:
Are you sure he wasn’t making that up? It sounds made up.
Ted:
I’ve seen them. It’s not pretty. And we know that he has one.
Caspar:
So he threatened to take out everyone, you guys included?
Ted:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Who the fuck have I been working with?
Ted:
Leif’s worn a lot of hats since he left Earth. You think he was on board your diner because he liked making hamburgers?
Caspar:
Yes!
Ted:
That says a lot about you. Here, I’ll show you his rap sheet.
Sfx: beeping.
Ted:
Here’s his dossier. This is a list of all his offenses across all systems. It’ll scroll like this for about five minutes.
Caspar:
Oh, come on. “Impersonating a baker”!
Ted:
That’s illegal in three systems.
Caspar:
He told me he was a cook.
Ted:
He was, for a while, but then he started working for someone very dangerous named Låfftrex, that’s where he racked up all these offenses. We thought he had gotten out of the game or had been killed because we hadn’t heard from him for a very long time. Then our intelligence comes back that he found his way on board your vessel. The perfect place to disappear.
Caspar:
But then he left for a while and came back.
Ted:
Yeah. We’re not sure what that was about.
Caspar:
Goddamn.
Ted:
Anyway… when we knew we couldn’t take the diner, we thought taking the doctor and her notes would be a good consolation prize.
Caspar:
But she wasn’t there so you took me instead.
Ted:
Yes.
Caspar:
Well at least you got her notes. Should be good enough, right?
Ted:
…
Caspar:
What?
Ted:
We can’t read her notes.
Caspar:
Whaaaaat? Seriously?
Ted:
They’re written in code. A code we can’t seem to decipher.
Caspar:
No.
Ted:
It’s a code without numerical values, it just looks like squiggly lines.
Caspar:
Wow. Ted. This is a serious own goal for you guys.
Ted:
Not if you tell us where she is.
Caspar:
I mean, you finally catch the thing you’ve been chasing, but you get scared off by a bomb threat that, let’s be real, was probably a lie. THEN you decided you’ll take the scientist, WHO WASNT THERE, and THEN you decide to take her notes WHICH YOU CANT READ. In a panic move you grab me instead who, let’s be real again, is the most worthless member of the Midnight Burger staff. At least Gloria could’ve taught you Spanish.
Ted:
You’re not worthless if you can tell me where she is.
Sfx: Distant explosion.
Caspar:
… What was that?
Ted:
Nothing, I’m sure it’s fine.
Caspar:
An explosion? On a Space ship? You’re sure it’s fine?
Ted:
It’s fine.
Caspar:
… Is it though?
Ted:
I’ll be right back.
Caspar:
Yeah, Check on that.
Sfx: door sliding open and shut.
Computer Voice:
Mem-sim ready.
Caspar:
Oh yeah?… Play file, roll file, show me the file.
Clip: scene between Caspar and Ava right before he shoves her into deep space.
Sfx: mem-sim powering down.
Sfx: beeping.
Computer Voice:
File deleted.
Sfx: door sliding open and shut.
Caspar:
Everything okay? Were you guys trying that Diet Coke and Mentos thing?
Ted:
Nobody’s out there.
Sfx: Beeping.
Ted:
Bridge, what was that sound?
Sfx: static.
Ted:
Bridge?
Caspar:
I have some experience with this. There’s nothing more ominous than static.
Sfx: door slides open. Three robots walking.
Ted:
Hey, you three! What’s going on?
Robot Soldier:
Intruder alert, deck 12.
Ted:
Intruder? Who is it?
Robot Soldier:
Intruder unidentified.
Ted:
Well go find out and report back to me.
Sfx: another distant explosion
Ted:
What the hell?
Robot Soldier:
Please remain inside.
Sfx: door slides shut.
Ted:
Who’s here, Caspar?
Caspar:
I don’t fucking know.
Ted:
Is this a rescue attempt?
Caspar:
Seriously?!
Ted:
What else could it be?!
Caspar:
I don’t know, man. Does anybody know where I am?
Ted:
No.
Caspar:
Well then this is probably a You problem.
Ted:
Is there anyone that wants you dead?
Caspar:
Absolutely. Most things!
Ted:
This wouldn’t be Leif, it’s not his style.
Caspar:
Of course it’s not Leif, I still don’t believe you about him, the guy collects baseball cards.
Ted:
Shit. I know who it could be.
Caspar:
Uh-oh. Who is it? Is it The Mandalorian?
Ted:
Låfftrex.
Caspar:
Låfftrex, who is this Låfftrex?
Ted:
A pirate.
Caspar:
A space pirate, Ted.
Ted:
Yes, a space pirate.
Caspar:
Oh, man. You know it’s never lost on me how dumb it can get out here.
Ted:
Låfftrex is incredibly dangerous.
Caspar:
Well if it is Låfftrex, you’re fine, they’re probably just after your Spanish Gold!
Ted:
We’re leaving, let’s go.
Caspar:
What? Why?
Sfx: door opening.
Ted:
Let’s go.
Caspar:
The robots said stay here.
Ted:
The robots are idiots, let’s go!
Caspar:
Fine.
Sfx: lasers firing.
Caspar:
Oh shit!
Ted:
This way!
Sfx: footsteps in the hallway.
Robot Soldier:
Drop your weapon. Do not come any closer.
Sfx: robot being destroyed by laser.
Ted:
Goddamn it, those things are worthless.
Caspar:
Where are we going!?
Ted:
This way.
Caspar:
We can’t run away on a space ship.
Ted:
In here.
Sfx: airlock.
Caspar:
What’s that?
Ted:
Escape pod, get in.
Caspar:
You really want to spend more time with me?
Ted:
There’s only room for one, get in.
Caspar:
What? Why aren’t there more escape pods?
Ted:
Yeah, let’s put a bunch of escape pods right by the holding cells, great idea.
Caspar:
What are you going to do?
Ted:
Here, take the notes. The pod will send out a beacon and you’ll get picked up by another Ted ship, they’ll figure it out from there.
Caspar:
Ted, no, don’t do this, you’re going to get killed.
Ted:
If you had told me where The Doctor is I wouldn’t have to! Feel bad now?! Good!
Caspar:
Ted.
Ted:
When they find you, I suggest you tell them where the doctor is. The trap’s already been sprung on the diner, Caspar, it’s only a matter of time before we catch it now.
Caspar:
Ted, I tossed her into space.
Ted:
What you are talking about?
Caspar:
I swear. She put the diner in danger so I put her in a space suit and launched her off the edge of the parking lot into deep space. I don’t think she made it back. I think I may have killed her.
Ted:
Why did you just tell me that?
Caspar:
Now you don’t need me. Get in the escape pod, Ted. I’ll be fine.
Ted:
Why did you just tell me that, whoever’s attacking us is going to kill you.
Caspar:
The thing about your life being in danger… What if you think you deserve it?… Keeping the notes though!
Sfx: Ted being shoved into the escape pod.
Ted:
Caspar!
Sfx: airlock closing.
Ted:
(Behind the glass) You motherfucker! Open the airlock!
Caspar:
This is good, Ted. There’s very few things worth sacrificing your life for. How do you launch it? Is it the red button?
Ted:
You piece of shit!
Caspar:
Okay, red button, here we go!
Sfx: escape pod blasting into space.
Caspar:
Nice guy.
Sfx: Laser fire has subsided. High heeled shoes walking around the corner.
Caspar:
Låfftrex the Pirate, huh? How does one walk the plank in space?
Sfx: footsteps approach then stop.
The Ex:
Hello, Caspar.
Caspar:
You?!
The end